FATHER QUEST: Turn Marker
FATHER QUEST - A Cartoon Network: Villains Victorious CK2-Style Quest Cross Over
- Thread starter HellaCooltricks
- Start date
- Created
- Status
- Ongoing
- Watchers
- 387
- Recent readers
- 0
- Threadmarks
- 83
-
Loading…
-
Statistics (6 threadmarks, 9.8k words)
User Total DaOneInDaCorner 1 weredrago2 3 Made in Heaven 1 Penguinbowler 1 -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
Canon Omakes: Life Without a Purpose
- Location
- Oregon
Life Without a Purpose
---------
Brick was stuck in a funk. Looking just a bit dour as he sat atop one of the tall towers of Townsville; corrupt now with villainy as it was, usually the streets were empty as The Gangreen Gang patrolled the area, heckling and harassing anyone in sight. It wasn't as bad as the Congo's where Brick's dad ruled with a relatively gentle approach (sans the homosapien based slavery conducted there) and the apes there were a sight to behold in their society; but a society based on outdated and primal instincts that many of the intelligent apes in the area operated by still led to a variety of different issues and civil disputes even after Mojo had consolidated his rule and got rid of the more outspoken aggressors and belligerent opposition.
With super vision that allowed him to view the city with the acuity of a bird of prey, Brick watched as a man got pushed around by a few gang members, faces painted green in stark difference to the natural shade of puke green that colored the real Gangreen family. Ace was the only one worth remembering as far as Brick was concerned; he was both the leader, and had gained some attention during a short stint spent as a bassist for some band - that hadn't lasted long, but boy did the guy like to brag about it whenever he could.
"Gonna do somethin' about it?"
Brick didn't react much beyond a grunt at the intrusive voice, gruff and taunting. With a sigh, Butch passed Brick, sidestepping him and stepping onto air where he hovered casually, making a one-eighty to face his brother.
"You're always so moody lately, never wanna have any fun." Butch said with some distaste, rolling his eyes, while Brick let loose a huff of air from his lips. "Like, either go help beat up the one dude, or just wreck the shit outta that loser green bean - nobody here's gonna stop you, just do something though, stop sulking!" Butch's voice had slowly climbed to exasperation as he threw his hands up at the end.
"What for? Nobody ever comes to do anything about it anymore. And if that guy didn't want his ass beat, he shoulda been smart enough to not wander the streets alone. It ain't my job to keep him from making bad life choices."
"So instead you're gonna sit here and be angsty?"
Butch's description had Brick feeling just a flare of anger before he tempered it down, letting out another breath before responding with a shrug.
Narrowing his eyes, Butch clenched his fists, and for a moment Brick thought (hoped) that his brother might swing at him. Instead, he just shook his head. In a flash of green light, Butch was gone, and the spot where the gang member had been beating down on a defenseless civilian, was a a small crater with the now unconscious green painted thug. For fairness' sake, Butch gave a solid kick to the stomach of the other man, letting out a loogie as the man cried out in pain, landing it square on his forehead.
With a malicious type of look, Butch turned to meet eyes with his brother, raising a brow and smirking wildly, raising his fist, tongue darting out to pick up a spot of blood from his knuckles. Brick could pick up his whispered words with his Chemical X enhanced hearing.
"I don't feel bored Brick."
Point made, the most reckless of the Rowdyruff Boys flew off, the ground shattering beneath his feet in a needless show of destruction that fit the teen well. Even with the dramatic theatrics done, Brick could barely muster up the ability to be annoyed with his sibling, instead leaning back in his spot, looking to the sky and dredging up the memory of a trio of colors; pink, blue and green, shooting off through the air. That sparks the first real thrill through Brick that he's managed in the last few weeks, a feeling immediately followed by melancholy and disappointment.
With a groan, Brick collapsed back, running a hand over his face, feeling the nose that had grown on his face with puberty. The facial features and appendages that had sprouted on his hands and feet were new additions that made him feel more human; Chemical X may have made he and his brothers mutants in all respects, but somehow they were still 'human' in some capacity, judging by his bodies desire to match the lower lifeforms that he looked so alike.
Brick had the ability to admit to himself that he was bored. Being a superior being that could curbstomp most all things in existence lent to a sort of desire for a challenge. It was a feeling that Butch didn't share, caring more about dominating others and feeling like the strongest one in a room, and a feeling Boomer didn't have the wherewithal to think about, content with his own existence, occupying his own time with meaningless hobbies or jobs from either of his 'parents'. It left Brick in an existential crisis he couldn't even share with his simpler siblings.
That feeling of discontent and inability to find something to fill that little hole in his motivation made Brick tired, ready to sleep and hope that maybe when he woke up, there'd be a trio of colors ready to match wits and fists with him; it was a feeling Brick felt a good degree of self-loathing for, and one he was self aware enough to realize was absolutely true.
The ginger haired super being cursed himself. Cursed his brothers, cursed HIM, cursed Mojo Jojo. More than anyone else, Brick cursed the Powerpuff Girls for losing.
Sitting up, Brick shook his head, slamming a fist down at his side, the building beneath him wavering and shaking at the attack. Pushing off from the building, he enjoyed freefall for a moment, before pulsing forward, body shooting out in a beam of red light as he disappeared into the skies at speeds faster than the human eye could track.
Brick had no clue where he was going, no idea of what he wanted, but there was a thought in his mind that had stuck, and one he couldn't shake.
'I don't want to feel this way anymore.'
-------
A/N
I was struggling to come up with a solid plot for the Rowdyruff Boys, and decided to give focus on Brick since he's a poormans reflection of Blossom, and she's my absolute favorite of the trio.
I tried to keep things relatively true to the established canon, but how close I can't gauge given our limited view on the setting so far.
Canon Omakes: Pining for Amazement
Pining for Amazement
Sarah G. Lato was not having a very fun year. Ever since Gumball's family left Elmore had gotten a lot more boring. Alan had seemed to take over the classroom, regularly droning on and on about a variety of subjects on being nice and... staying out of trouble. No ones really caught her attention like the Wattersons did, and it was making life almost unbearable.Shrugging to herself, she opened her laptop during the fifth speech Alan gave on the importance of friendship and began transcribing her most recent real person ship fic to her Ramblr blog and a variety of fanfic sites. The more people who see it, the more likely she could find someone willing to ask her about her friends! While on the rather dead Fanficworld.net she discovered something interesting. In the past 8 months or so, the amount of Camp Pining Hearts fanfics on the website had almost tripled. While fanbases for old children's media was hardly anything new, Camp Pining Hearts wasn't a particularly popular show with the fanfic community. Checking it out Sarah wasn't surprised at all when it seemed the vast majority of these fics were made by one person.
ColRegPeri2F5L5XG seemed very, very committed to pushing her favorite ship; and wrote almost 30 different fics on Peirre/Percy alone. She also has half a dozen fics on Gemsonafying the caste (Sarah herself had a few Gemsona fics herself, until Carmen told her that was insensitive to both the people who lost their homes in the Gem Invasion, and probably the Gems themselves). The quality of the fics themselves were… less than good. While the author seemed to have a very good understanding of the show, she seemed to fall flat when it came to writing relationships. A bit too much focus on how they physically compliment each other in the challenges; regularly bashing and killing Paullette as much as possible, and a terrible misunderstanding of Canadian culture. She left a couple scathing comments and contact info in the writers DMs, since even an angry fic writer calling her names was more interesting then watching Banana Joe tell bad jokes for 2 hours. Maybe she can help this newbie writer and bond over their shared hobby!
Shortly after she got home her phone began to ring, with caller ID telling her it was from… East Canada?
"Hello, Sarah G Lato speaking"
"Ok I don't know who you are "Sarah" but I'll have you know that Peirre and Percy compliment each other perfe…"
"ColRegPeri? Uh yeah I guess I diiiiiiiiiid say that my preferred Peirre ship was with Polly… but that's not why I wanted to talk! See I figured that your fics could get a lot more people to read them if you did just a couple of things to improve them."
"Get… people to read my Camp Pining Heart stories?" it sounded a lot less aggressive, but still fairly dismissive of Sarah's opinion and that whoever this was would rather just get this over with.
"Yep, you see the first issue you seem to have is you only post on Fanficworld, most Fanfic writers have migrated to other websites like OurOwnArchive and…" You go on for around 5 minutes just listing the websites you regularly post by order of popularity.
After you finally finish after explaining the fall of Ramblr Peri interrupts.
"I don't really care if other people read it. I don't care whether a bunch of Rubies can see it or not"
"Well yeah, you should write for yourself and all but maybe if your fanfics are good enough it can get enough "rubes" to see it that the original caste and crew might want to make a new season"
"I can get… a new season of Camp Pining Hearts?"
The voice, previously annoyed and dismissive, immediately turned attentive and somewhat desperate.
"Yeah, just improve your fics quality, here are some starting points"
Sarah proceeded to spend the next 4 hours telling Peri about the ins and outs of fanficwriting, with her pupil taking notes all the while. They covered things like how to properly bash a character without getting a million DMs from said characters fan, the importance of tagging every little thing in the fic, how to interact with your fics fans; and of course shipping. Lots and lots of shipping.
"And so if you really wanted to ins and outs of writing a love triangle, my 45,000 word Real Person Dark/Comfort fic Paper and Spines has a good one between Alan, Teri, and Carmen with only a few hints of Lem…"
"Ok, I'll read it in a couple hours but I really got to go "Sarah". Before I do I want to ask 2 things. One, where are you and are you human, two why are you helping me?"
"That's 3 things, but I live in Elmore, I am an ice cream cone, and I'm helping you because…' Sarah paused for the briefest moment. The honest reason was she was bored, life seemed to have jumped the shark where she lived and she didn't know how to react. "...because I saw someone who needed help in showing the true greatness of her favorite show?"
"That's true. Every time I try to talk with Jasper or one of Blue's Court about this I get told "Get back to work" and "We're behind schedule stop watching those stupid cartoons." It's nice just to have someone I can talk about the show to. The only other person who seemed to like it was this weird fat guy named Control Freak."
"Ah yeah he's into a lot of obscure show's, he sometimes comments on my fics. But if you ever need more advice just call me!"
After hanging up the phone Sarah began looking up for a bit. Sure life in Elmore had gotten a bit stale, but there were plenty of people outside of Elmore she could stalk incessantly. Maybe a cross country trip is what she needs to find something fun. She might even find Gumball Again!
Last edited:
Canon Omake: Welcome to Earth Pt. 1
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
Canon Omake: Welcome to Earth, Part 1
The Gem Homeworld ship soared through the pristine void of space to reach its destination. Arrangements of stars and planetary systems became innumerable clusters of light and data that cluttered the ship's view display. The mono-eyed Nephrite at the helm understood all of it, down to the last readout, but to all other members of the stark, geometric vessel, it was visual confusion made manifest.
To anyone looking at them from the outside, they might think it odd that a giant orange high heel was flying in space.
"We're approaching the colony world, Captain Heliodor. Your orders?"
"Exit hyperspace, switch to atmospheric thrusters, and set a course for the Earth colonial outpost," the golden Homeworld Gem said in her crisp, commanding tone.
The sharp, rigid commander cut an impressive figure, with high cheekbones and angular features. Heliodor sat firmly in the center of the bridge, dwarfing the other gems in both size and presence. A shock of red hair plumed out of her head like a jagged swallowtail pennant, announcing to the entire galaxy that she was a trailblazer.
"Yes, Sir. We will be exiting hyperspace shortly."
"Excellent. It was high time that Yellow Diamond assigned a proper gem of status to bring this problem planet back into step."
Heliodor saw no need to elaborate upon the problems she had to deal with to her subordinates, but she mulled over them herself. For too long since Homeworld regained a foothold on this mudball, the process of Earth's colonization had been overseen by a peridot and quartz. An engineer and soldier. She could understand if the quartz in charge was an agate, but it was a jasper. Those were all used to taking orders, not giving them!
Neither gem had any place controlling a colony on their own! It was unprecedented! Once Homeworld lost contact with the Cluster, they were supposed to go back to Plan A: Building new Kindergartens and draining Earth's natural resources dry. The setbacks they were reporting in this routine work were unacceptable, proving exactly why some gems were meant to lead, and others to serve.
She had no idea what kept Yellow Diamond from rectifying this sooner. Such a critical duty was to be reserved for Homeword's finest. Heliodor had colonized dozens of worlds for Yellow Diamond in the past, and this one would be no different.
"A peridot and jasper…" Helidor muttered. At least the gift she received from her Diamond would make the whole exercise worthwhile.
The to-be governor of Earth tightened her grip on her crystalline chair. Perhaps she would have been less irritated if the transition of power was as simple as passing through a warp pad, but those two nitwits had the temerity to let their Galaxy Warp be sabotaged! Their inability to secure the site for repair meant Helidor was forced to take the slow way to Earth. To add insult to injury, the increased demand for warships prevented her from arriving in style. Instead, she was getting there in a shoe shuttle.
A shoe shuttle! Emerald got a fleet of battleships to protect the colonies from pirates, foreign invaders, and insurrectionists; Heliodor got a foot with extra guns welded to the toe. The indignity of it all grated her refined sensibilities. No amount of orange paint could make this scrap pile shine.
"I'll take great pleasure in landing on the surface and wrapping up this sideshow as soon as possible."
One of the rubies assigned to her entourage stood up from their chair and gave a diamond salute. It was the one with a yellow visor and a gem set in her chest.
"Never fear, Sir! We'll keep those fearsome, deceitful Earth beasts at bay!"
Helidor rolled her eyes at this irksome state of affairs. The rubies and their ceaseless enthusiasm were charming in small doses, but she would have preferred quartzes or a pair of topazes as protection in the event of an actual threat to her life. The rest of her forces would be supplied from the world when the Kindergartens were back on track.
"Of course. Yellow Diamond had great… foresight, to assign a squad of experienced rubies to be my protectors."
"She's the best!" another energetic ruby cried in cheer.
"That being said, I found your description of Earth in the mission briefing to be rather far-fetched."
"Far-whaa?" one of the younger, less attentive rubies asked in confusion. This one had her gem on one leg. "What's that mean?"
Heliodor frowned. The task of picking fact from fiction in their recounting of the Earth situation was exhausting.
"Now, now. Don't play coy. I've heard all the rumors. Giant, organic monsters that ate gems by the clawfuls. Horror stories of gems being struck with horrible hexes and coming back to Homeworld as off-colors. The Cursed Planet of Rose Quartz is becoming quite the fairy tale back in gem space, but let's stick to the facts for this mission, shall we?"
The rubies looked at each other with mixed expressions. The one with her gem on one arm and a chip on her shoulder raised her hand. She looked a bit miffed at Heliodor's comments, but remained deferential to her superior.
"We were there when humans overran the Toronto Kindergarten. Sir. The human infestation is stronger than they look."
Heliodor let out a haughty laugh.
"Now you expect me to believe there are humans that could take on the hardiest quartzes in combat? I don't know what a Toronto is, but I do know the local vermin are no match for us. I relieve you of any duty to make excuses for Jasper and Peridot's gross incompetence."
The bashful-looking ruby with her gem on her abdomen raised her hand.
"But we--"
"That's enough! I won't be hearing any more fanciful stories about the biggest impediment to colonization being humans, or magic curses, or--"
The shuttle exited hyperspace. When it did, the bridge was treated to the sight of a green-blue planet and hundreds upon hundreds of laser turrets being pointed their way.
"The moon!?"
There had to be a natural satellite under all of that undeniable firepower, but when did Earth's moon have that? It was unlike anything she'd ever seen, of Homeworld make or otherwise. The bridge turned a deep red with a shower of warning lights.
"Evasive maneuvers!" Heliodor shouted to her crew. "NOW!"
The Nephrite made a desperate effort to guide the ship away from the volley of point-defense weapons, but she was too late. Blinding lights flashed across the screen, as cascading laser beams fired from the ring of moon-mounted orbital guns turned their Era 2 ship into a flightless hunk of metal.
"We're entering the atmosphere!" Nephrite said in a panic. She tapped buttons and tried to steer the rapidly-heating vessel in vain. The viewscreen became a bright orange to match the ship, and a sudden shock left the dashboard as dead as they were all going to be.
"Slow our descent!" ordered Heliodor.
"We've lost our stabilizing slipper! The ship is in freefall!"
"Everybody brace!" one of the more battle-hardened rubies shouted. "Earth has a lot of pointy, rough bits!"
Heliodor stood up in outrage.
"Ruby! Need I remind you that I am the one giving the orders around here?"
The ruby stopped what they were doing and bowed in reverence.
"Apologies for speaking out of turn, Sir!"
"Your impertinence has been forgiven, Ruby. Now, brace for--!"
The spaceship scraped off the tip of a snowy mountain, flipped over, and went into a roll. Everything went dark once the ship's artificial gravity failed and Heliodor was smacked head-first into the ceiling. The gem that stood in for her left eye fell to the floor with a clatter when the body it was attached to went away in a puff of smoke.
Her welcome to Earth was just getting started.
The Gem Homeworld ship soared through the pristine void of space to reach its destination. Arrangements of stars and planetary systems became innumerable clusters of light and data that cluttered the ship's view display. The mono-eyed Nephrite at the helm understood all of it, down to the last readout, but to all other members of the stark, geometric vessel, it was visual confusion made manifest.
To anyone looking at them from the outside, they might think it odd that a giant orange high heel was flying in space.
"We're approaching the colony world, Captain Heliodor. Your orders?"
"Exit hyperspace, switch to atmospheric thrusters, and set a course for the Earth colonial outpost," the golden Homeworld Gem said in her crisp, commanding tone.
The sharp, rigid commander cut an impressive figure, with high cheekbones and angular features. Heliodor sat firmly in the center of the bridge, dwarfing the other gems in both size and presence. A shock of red hair plumed out of her head like a jagged swallowtail pennant, announcing to the entire galaxy that she was a trailblazer.
"Yes, Sir. We will be exiting hyperspace shortly."
"Excellent. It was high time that Yellow Diamond assigned a proper gem of status to bring this problem planet back into step."
Heliodor saw no need to elaborate upon the problems she had to deal with to her subordinates, but she mulled over them herself. For too long since Homeworld regained a foothold on this mudball, the process of Earth's colonization had been overseen by a peridot and quartz. An engineer and soldier. She could understand if the quartz in charge was an agate, but it was a jasper. Those were all used to taking orders, not giving them!
Neither gem had any place controlling a colony on their own! It was unprecedented! Once Homeworld lost contact with the Cluster, they were supposed to go back to Plan A: Building new Kindergartens and draining Earth's natural resources dry. The setbacks they were reporting in this routine work were unacceptable, proving exactly why some gems were meant to lead, and others to serve.
She had no idea what kept Yellow Diamond from rectifying this sooner. Such a critical duty was to be reserved for Homeword's finest. Heliodor had colonized dozens of worlds for Yellow Diamond in the past, and this one would be no different.
"A peridot and jasper…" Helidor muttered. At least the gift she received from her Diamond would make the whole exercise worthwhile.
The to-be governor of Earth tightened her grip on her crystalline chair. Perhaps she would have been less irritated if the transition of power was as simple as passing through a warp pad, but those two nitwits had the temerity to let their Galaxy Warp be sabotaged! Their inability to secure the site for repair meant Helidor was forced to take the slow way to Earth. To add insult to injury, the increased demand for warships prevented her from arriving in style. Instead, she was getting there in a shoe shuttle.
A shoe shuttle! Emerald got a fleet of battleships to protect the colonies from pirates, foreign invaders, and insurrectionists; Heliodor got a foot with extra guns welded to the toe. The indignity of it all grated her refined sensibilities. No amount of orange paint could make this scrap pile shine.
"I'll take great pleasure in landing on the surface and wrapping up this sideshow as soon as possible."
One of the rubies assigned to her entourage stood up from their chair and gave a diamond salute. It was the one with a yellow visor and a gem set in her chest.
"Never fear, Sir! We'll keep those fearsome, deceitful Earth beasts at bay!"
Helidor rolled her eyes at this irksome state of affairs. The rubies and their ceaseless enthusiasm were charming in small doses, but she would have preferred quartzes or a pair of topazes as protection in the event of an actual threat to her life. The rest of her forces would be supplied from the world when the Kindergartens were back on track.
"Of course. Yellow Diamond had great… foresight, to assign a squad of experienced rubies to be my protectors."
"She's the best!" another energetic ruby cried in cheer.
"That being said, I found your description of Earth in the mission briefing to be rather far-fetched."
"Far-whaa?" one of the younger, less attentive rubies asked in confusion. This one had her gem on one leg. "What's that mean?"
Heliodor frowned. The task of picking fact from fiction in their recounting of the Earth situation was exhausting.
"Now, now. Don't play coy. I've heard all the rumors. Giant, organic monsters that ate gems by the clawfuls. Horror stories of gems being struck with horrible hexes and coming back to Homeworld as off-colors. The Cursed Planet of Rose Quartz is becoming quite the fairy tale back in gem space, but let's stick to the facts for this mission, shall we?"
The rubies looked at each other with mixed expressions. The one with her gem on one arm and a chip on her shoulder raised her hand. She looked a bit miffed at Heliodor's comments, but remained deferential to her superior.
"We were there when humans overran the Toronto Kindergarten. Sir. The human infestation is stronger than they look."
Heliodor let out a haughty laugh.
"Now you expect me to believe there are humans that could take on the hardiest quartzes in combat? I don't know what a Toronto is, but I do know the local vermin are no match for us. I relieve you of any duty to make excuses for Jasper and Peridot's gross incompetence."
The bashful-looking ruby with her gem on her abdomen raised her hand.
"But we--"
"That's enough! I won't be hearing any more fanciful stories about the biggest impediment to colonization being humans, or magic curses, or--"
The shuttle exited hyperspace. When it did, the bridge was treated to the sight of a green-blue planet and hundreds upon hundreds of laser turrets being pointed their way.
"The moon!?"
There had to be a natural satellite under all of that undeniable firepower, but when did Earth's moon have that? It was unlike anything she'd ever seen, of Homeworld make or otherwise. The bridge turned a deep red with a shower of warning lights.
"Evasive maneuvers!" Heliodor shouted to her crew. "NOW!"
The Nephrite made a desperate effort to guide the ship away from the volley of point-defense weapons, but she was too late. Blinding lights flashed across the screen, as cascading laser beams fired from the ring of moon-mounted orbital guns turned their Era 2 ship into a flightless hunk of metal.
"We're entering the atmosphere!" Nephrite said in a panic. She tapped buttons and tried to steer the rapidly-heating vessel in vain. The viewscreen became a bright orange to match the ship, and a sudden shock left the dashboard as dead as they were all going to be.
"Slow our descent!" ordered Heliodor.
"We've lost our stabilizing slipper! The ship is in freefall!"
"Everybody brace!" one of the more battle-hardened rubies shouted. "Earth has a lot of pointy, rough bits!"
Heliodor stood up in outrage.
"Ruby! Need I remind you that I am the one giving the orders around here?"
The ruby stopped what they were doing and bowed in reverence.
"Apologies for speaking out of turn, Sir!"
"Your impertinence has been forgiven, Ruby. Now, brace for--!"
The spaceship scraped off the tip of a snowy mountain, flipped over, and went into a roll. Everything went dark once the ship's artificial gravity failed and Heliodor was smacked head-first into the ceiling. The gem that stood in for her left eye fell to the floor with a clatter when the body it was attached to went away in a puff of smoke.
Her welcome to Earth was just getting started.
Canon Omake: Welcome to Earth Pt. 2
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
Canon Omake: Welcome to Earth, Part 2
Captain Helidor's body reformed under the red auxiliary lights of the ship's bridge, which was thrown into disarray by the devastating moon weapon. Her vision returned in spots, her senses acclimating to her reconstituted body.
"Captain!" an indistinct figure called out.
Heliodor normally took great pride in one of her eyes being her gem, but at moments like this she would have preferred two working eyes and depth perception.
The captain-governor let out a pained groan. Weren't gems supposed to feel good as new after being restored? She felt awful. Slowly, Heliodor stood up from the uneven floor, using her crooked command chair to hold herself steady.
"What in the stars…?" Helidor murmured as she rubbed her gem to check for scratches. When her vision cleared, she saw that she was surrounded by rubies. "Status report."
"We were shot down by the moon array three local days ago, Sir!" the visored ruby squad leader said.
"The… moon array?" Heliodor repeated. "Ah, yes. Clearly, that was a trap laid in place by our intergalactic enemies to delay my arrival."
To think, only a few solar cycles ago, the gems thought they were the only intelligent life in the galaxy. Now they were well aware that the galaxy was full of enemies out to subvert and shatter every facet of gemkind. Organic beasts and rogue machines alike. Which one of them dared to try and claim the Earth under the Diamond Authority's collective noses?
"You're so smart, Sir!"
"Thank you, Ruby."
Outrage aside, Heliodor was in a state of shock over the attack. Her confidence in gem shipbuilding was such that even an aging shoe being taken out like that left her shaken. Though unnerved, it would do no good to look weak in front of her soldiers. They had already lost days since the crash, and they were all vulnerable until they reached the planet's colonial outpost. She outwardly regained her composure and addressed her pilot.
"Nephrite! I need a full report of the ship's remaining capabilities. Assuming anything still works on this old boot."
She waited for a response from her pilot. When that response wasn't forthcoming, she reached over to the pilot's seat.
"Nephrite, do you hear me? I want a--"
Heliodor turned the chair around, causing the nephrite's dormant gem to fall to the floor and roll down the slanted hallway towards the cargo hold.
"Oh."
"The pilot hasn't gotten her body back yet," the bashful ruby said. "What do you want us to do now?"
"Were you able to do a security sweep of the surrounding area while I was… indisposed?"
"Yes, sir!" the stern, equally-one-eyed ruby replied. "We scared off the packs of scavengers and pests poking around the crash site while awaiting further orders!"
"That is some good news, I suppose. Secure the perimeter while I get the reactor up and running."
The rubies performed a diamond salute and went about carrying out their orders. While they did so, Helidor climbed down into the engine compartment. It wasn't a job befitting a commander-governor, but the pilot was out of commission for at least a week, and she couldn't exactly trust rubies to handle sensitive equipment. Besides, how hard could fixing a starship reactor be?
As she would soon discover, fixing a starship reactor was not as simple as it looked. While her size made her a mighty warrior, being tall and statuesque left Heliodor cramped in a tiny maintenance tunnel designed for much more compact gems. Her hands fumbled with the tiny toolkit mounted to the wall, with which she tinkered with the ship's power grid until it became clear her attempts to cobble up a solution were hopeless.
"Oh, come on!" she shouted at the unresponsive tech.
The fact that she could really use a peridot right now was left unacknowledged and unsaid.
By the time she crawled out of the tunnel, the rubies had already dragged a spare generator out of the cargo hold and managed to get the ship's computers back online. All it took was trial, error, and blunt force applied to the monitor until it started working again.
Far more comfortable with the ship's user interface than the messy internals, Heliodor got into the pilot's chair and tried to force the engines on with an automatic startup sequence. It seemed to be working for a moment, only for it to be cut off with a loud error message.
"The ship's engines and tracking beacon are both offline," she said grimly.
The naïve ruby saw the dire engineering report and shrugged.
"That's okay, Sir! The heel thruster is too stuck for us to fly anyway!"
"Darn it!" the short-tempered ruby cried. She kicked the wall and immediately regretted it. "Ow!"
Upon returning from her job of retrieving their nephrite, the ditzy ruby poked her head into the bridge.
"Gee, we could sure use a peridot!" she said blithely.
"Like the one in charge of the Earth colony!"
"Yeah!" The rubies were in general agreement. "Why don't we ask her for help?"
Heliodor pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Enough of that! If I can't get this ship online, we'll have to trek to the nearest warp pad by foot!"
Captain Heliodor downloaded the directions to the outpost onto her personal geolocator and shut the terminal down. None of them needed to be peridots to direct the spare robinoids from the cargo hold to carry the nephrite and the captain's gift from Yellow Diamond. The latter even came in a special case, giving the mindless drone who carried it an air of class and prestige.
Once everyone was outside, Heliodor could see that the area where the ship landed was a white field of snow dotted with brown tubes with green frills. She'd seen the former on frigid, glacial worlds before, but the latter left her stumped.
"What on Earth are those?" Heliodor asked.
"Those are trees, Sir!"
"Trees?"
She tested out the word. Examining them further, Heliodor could see several 'trees' were twisted, scorched, or otherwise battle-scarred. Like the ruby described, she could also see that the ship's heel thruster was sunk deep into the mountain beyond any conventional means of recovery. Not even if she melted the ice around it.
"All of you, fan out. I'll need a good vantage point from which I can use the geolocator."
The device was fuzzy and temperamental. It didn't want to state anything more specific than that they were on Earth's Northern Hemisphere, and that there were no other gem vessels around for miles.
"So much for being built to last," Heliodor grumbled.
She was still poking at the display when a faint, dull roar rang out in the distant terrain, stealing away her attention.
"Sounds like they're back," the timid ruby said.
"I thought you said you were scaring off scavengers. Small, weak organisms that pick at the food ignored or left behind by larger ones?"
The inquiry got her a confused look from the rubies.
"What? I've overseen worlds with native life on them before."
It was one of the many reasons she was deemed the perfect gem to take over Earth.
"Really? What kind of worlds did you look at?" another ruby asked.
"Primarily lichenous, aquatic, and desert planets. When the lapis lazulis got lazy or careless, which my assigned pair always did whenever I took my eyes off them, you'd see a few creatures skittering about trying to consume one another. Organics are disgusting, and I wouldn't want to touch one without gloves, but they're nothing a gem has to be afraid of."
"Well, these scavengers were more armed than what you're talking about, but the earthlings were no match for the Ruby Squad!"
"Armed? What kind of beasts are…?"
The roar grew closer; more intense. Helildor could make out multiple sources from the din, and it was clear now that they were dealing with wildlife that was far more severe than the fare she was accustomed to.
A bright orange hilt grew out of Heliodor's gem. With one hand, Heliodor pulled the hilt out and drew forth a massive, glowing flamberge!
Being caught unawares did not mean she forgot how to handle herself in a fight. Heliodor came out of the ground knowing how to use her blade, and she would make sure that whoever this was would regret crossing an agent of Yellow Diamond.
"Rubies! Prepare for battle!"
The rubies formed a defensive line around their leader and the robinoids guarding their items. Right as they did, a pack of armored vehicles broke through the trees and landed in the clearing! Each primitive machine was loaded with heavy projectile weapons, their hoods emblazoned with hot colors and skull decals. The vehicles were all rugged, smoke-belching monstrosities, covered in scuffs and dents from prior skirmishes and their earlier run-in with the Ruby Squad. Heliodor could make out small, helmed creatures driving them.
"Are these humans?" Heliodor whispered.
"I think those are cars?" one ruby said, uncertain.
Heliodor rolled her eye.
"The ones driving the cars, Ruby."
"They're humans alright!" the ruby leader replied. "Say the word and we'll trounce 'em!"
"Hold steady until I give the say," Heliodor commanded.
The savage humans and patriotic gems entered a tense stalemate, neither group making the first move. A broad-shouldered human with a painted skull atop his face and chest stepped out of the frontmost vehicle. His head was adorned with a spiked, orange mohawk, which only accentuated the human's aura of arrogance as he stepped up the Homeworld gems without a shred of fear or trepidation.
"Seems like my bros and you got off on the wrong foot last time."
"Who are you?" Heliodor said to the human. "And what do you think you're doing here?"
"Me? The name's Fistrick, and I'm a businessman in a booming market."
"Such as?" Heliodor asked, keeping the human's minions at bay with her flaming sword.
"You're new in town, so I'll keep it simple for you. The market says Gem technology is worth its weight in taydenite right now, and my bros and me couldn't help but notice you're sitting on the jackpot."
"You expect me, the governor of your own world, to surrender my ship?"
"Lady, I don't care what you and your little rock band call yourselves. We do this song and dance with every ship that crashes on this side of the Rockies, and it ends the same way. Every time. If you were all to buzz off back to your green and orange gal pals now, I'd even throw in a bonus for saving us all the trouble. Deal?"
Heliodor didn't ruminate on the offer for long. Her temper inflamed, the gem warrior lowered her flamberge to the human's chest! The rubies jumped into combat when they saw the signal, attacking the armored vehicles in a mob with heated abandon!
"You dare insult my dignity and right to rule your pitiful planet? As long as I live, you marauders have no right to command anything of me!"
The human spared a casual, curious glance to their endangered minions before turning back to Heliodor with a smile.
"I was hoping you'd say somethin' like that. In that case…"
In a flash, the human drew out a glowing machete from his belt! He parried Heliodor's blade with enough force that she nearly lost her grip!
"What?!"
Heliodor then took the fight seriously. She rushed forward and performed a series of furious, wide sweeps with her blade, forcing Fistrick back when the ice around her slashes became a fresh slush.
"How do you like that, you human pest?"
"Not bad, bro-ette!"
Fistrick circled around her with a wicked laugh. He tossed the machete from one hand to the other with deft skill and an eagerness for carnage. The rubies were keeping the rest of his forces busy as a gargantuan fusion of five, allowing the two warriors to fight mano a gema without any outside interruption.
"Too bad the whole 'life' gimmick you have going on is cutting into my bottom line. Looks like I'll need to take that off your hands, too."
Captain Helidor's body reformed under the red auxiliary lights of the ship's bridge, which was thrown into disarray by the devastating moon weapon. Her vision returned in spots, her senses acclimating to her reconstituted body.
"Captain!" an indistinct figure called out.
Heliodor normally took great pride in one of her eyes being her gem, but at moments like this she would have preferred two working eyes and depth perception.
The captain-governor let out a pained groan. Weren't gems supposed to feel good as new after being restored? She felt awful. Slowly, Heliodor stood up from the uneven floor, using her crooked command chair to hold herself steady.
"What in the stars…?" Helidor murmured as she rubbed her gem to check for scratches. When her vision cleared, she saw that she was surrounded by rubies. "Status report."
"We were shot down by the moon array three local days ago, Sir!" the visored ruby squad leader said.
"The… moon array?" Heliodor repeated. "Ah, yes. Clearly, that was a trap laid in place by our intergalactic enemies to delay my arrival."
To think, only a few solar cycles ago, the gems thought they were the only intelligent life in the galaxy. Now they were well aware that the galaxy was full of enemies out to subvert and shatter every facet of gemkind. Organic beasts and rogue machines alike. Which one of them dared to try and claim the Earth under the Diamond Authority's collective noses?
"You're so smart, Sir!"
"Thank you, Ruby."
Outrage aside, Heliodor was in a state of shock over the attack. Her confidence in gem shipbuilding was such that even an aging shoe being taken out like that left her shaken. Though unnerved, it would do no good to look weak in front of her soldiers. They had already lost days since the crash, and they were all vulnerable until they reached the planet's colonial outpost. She outwardly regained her composure and addressed her pilot.
"Nephrite! I need a full report of the ship's remaining capabilities. Assuming anything still works on this old boot."
She waited for a response from her pilot. When that response wasn't forthcoming, she reached over to the pilot's seat.
"Nephrite, do you hear me? I want a--"
Heliodor turned the chair around, causing the nephrite's dormant gem to fall to the floor and roll down the slanted hallway towards the cargo hold.
"Oh."
"The pilot hasn't gotten her body back yet," the bashful ruby said. "What do you want us to do now?"
"Were you able to do a security sweep of the surrounding area while I was… indisposed?"
"Yes, sir!" the stern, equally-one-eyed ruby replied. "We scared off the packs of scavengers and pests poking around the crash site while awaiting further orders!"
"That is some good news, I suppose. Secure the perimeter while I get the reactor up and running."
The rubies performed a diamond salute and went about carrying out their orders. While they did so, Helidor climbed down into the engine compartment. It wasn't a job befitting a commander-governor, but the pilot was out of commission for at least a week, and she couldn't exactly trust rubies to handle sensitive equipment. Besides, how hard could fixing a starship reactor be?
As she would soon discover, fixing a starship reactor was not as simple as it looked. While her size made her a mighty warrior, being tall and statuesque left Heliodor cramped in a tiny maintenance tunnel designed for much more compact gems. Her hands fumbled with the tiny toolkit mounted to the wall, with which she tinkered with the ship's power grid until it became clear her attempts to cobble up a solution were hopeless.
"Oh, come on!" she shouted at the unresponsive tech.
The fact that she could really use a peridot right now was left unacknowledged and unsaid.
By the time she crawled out of the tunnel, the rubies had already dragged a spare generator out of the cargo hold and managed to get the ship's computers back online. All it took was trial, error, and blunt force applied to the monitor until it started working again.
Far more comfortable with the ship's user interface than the messy internals, Heliodor got into the pilot's chair and tried to force the engines on with an automatic startup sequence. It seemed to be working for a moment, only for it to be cut off with a loud error message.
"The ship's engines and tracking beacon are both offline," she said grimly.
The naïve ruby saw the dire engineering report and shrugged.
"That's okay, Sir! The heel thruster is too stuck for us to fly anyway!"
"Darn it!" the short-tempered ruby cried. She kicked the wall and immediately regretted it. "Ow!"
Upon returning from her job of retrieving their nephrite, the ditzy ruby poked her head into the bridge.
"Gee, we could sure use a peridot!" she said blithely.
"Like the one in charge of the Earth colony!"
"Yeah!" The rubies were in general agreement. "Why don't we ask her for help?"
Heliodor pinched the bridge of her nose.
"Enough of that! If I can't get this ship online, we'll have to trek to the nearest warp pad by foot!"
Captain Heliodor downloaded the directions to the outpost onto her personal geolocator and shut the terminal down. None of them needed to be peridots to direct the spare robinoids from the cargo hold to carry the nephrite and the captain's gift from Yellow Diamond. The latter even came in a special case, giving the mindless drone who carried it an air of class and prestige.
Once everyone was outside, Heliodor could see that the area where the ship landed was a white field of snow dotted with brown tubes with green frills. She'd seen the former on frigid, glacial worlds before, but the latter left her stumped.
"What on Earth are those?" Heliodor asked.
"Those are trees, Sir!"
"Trees?"
She tested out the word. Examining them further, Heliodor could see several 'trees' were twisted, scorched, or otherwise battle-scarred. Like the ruby described, she could also see that the ship's heel thruster was sunk deep into the mountain beyond any conventional means of recovery. Not even if she melted the ice around it.
"All of you, fan out. I'll need a good vantage point from which I can use the geolocator."
The device was fuzzy and temperamental. It didn't want to state anything more specific than that they were on Earth's Northern Hemisphere, and that there were no other gem vessels around for miles.
"So much for being built to last," Heliodor grumbled.
She was still poking at the display when a faint, dull roar rang out in the distant terrain, stealing away her attention.
"Sounds like they're back," the timid ruby said.
"I thought you said you were scaring off scavengers. Small, weak organisms that pick at the food ignored or left behind by larger ones?"
The inquiry got her a confused look from the rubies.
"What? I've overseen worlds with native life on them before."
It was one of the many reasons she was deemed the perfect gem to take over Earth.
"Really? What kind of worlds did you look at?" another ruby asked.
"Primarily lichenous, aquatic, and desert planets. When the lapis lazulis got lazy or careless, which my assigned pair always did whenever I took my eyes off them, you'd see a few creatures skittering about trying to consume one another. Organics are disgusting, and I wouldn't want to touch one without gloves, but they're nothing a gem has to be afraid of."
"Well, these scavengers were more armed than what you're talking about, but the earthlings were no match for the Ruby Squad!"
"Armed? What kind of beasts are…?"
The roar grew closer; more intense. Helildor could make out multiple sources from the din, and it was clear now that they were dealing with wildlife that was far more severe than the fare she was accustomed to.
A bright orange hilt grew out of Heliodor's gem. With one hand, Heliodor pulled the hilt out and drew forth a massive, glowing flamberge!
Being caught unawares did not mean she forgot how to handle herself in a fight. Heliodor came out of the ground knowing how to use her blade, and she would make sure that whoever this was would regret crossing an agent of Yellow Diamond.
"Rubies! Prepare for battle!"
The rubies formed a defensive line around their leader and the robinoids guarding their items. Right as they did, a pack of armored vehicles broke through the trees and landed in the clearing! Each primitive machine was loaded with heavy projectile weapons, their hoods emblazoned with hot colors and skull decals. The vehicles were all rugged, smoke-belching monstrosities, covered in scuffs and dents from prior skirmishes and their earlier run-in with the Ruby Squad. Heliodor could make out small, helmed creatures driving them.
"Are these humans?" Heliodor whispered.
"I think those are cars?" one ruby said, uncertain.
Heliodor rolled her eye.
"The ones driving the cars, Ruby."
"They're humans alright!" the ruby leader replied. "Say the word and we'll trounce 'em!"
"Hold steady until I give the say," Heliodor commanded.
The savage humans and patriotic gems entered a tense stalemate, neither group making the first move. A broad-shouldered human with a painted skull atop his face and chest stepped out of the frontmost vehicle. His head was adorned with a spiked, orange mohawk, which only accentuated the human's aura of arrogance as he stepped up the Homeworld gems without a shred of fear or trepidation.
"Seems like my bros and you got off on the wrong foot last time."
"Who are you?" Heliodor said to the human. "And what do you think you're doing here?"
"Me? The name's Fistrick, and I'm a businessman in a booming market."
"Such as?" Heliodor asked, keeping the human's minions at bay with her flaming sword.
"You're new in town, so I'll keep it simple for you. The market says Gem technology is worth its weight in taydenite right now, and my bros and me couldn't help but notice you're sitting on the jackpot."
"You expect me, the governor of your own world, to surrender my ship?"
"Lady, I don't care what you and your little rock band call yourselves. We do this song and dance with every ship that crashes on this side of the Rockies, and it ends the same way. Every time. If you were all to buzz off back to your green and orange gal pals now, I'd even throw in a bonus for saving us all the trouble. Deal?"
Heliodor didn't ruminate on the offer for long. Her temper inflamed, the gem warrior lowered her flamberge to the human's chest! The rubies jumped into combat when they saw the signal, attacking the armored vehicles in a mob with heated abandon!
"You dare insult my dignity and right to rule your pitiful planet? As long as I live, you marauders have no right to command anything of me!"
The human spared a casual, curious glance to their endangered minions before turning back to Heliodor with a smile.
"I was hoping you'd say somethin' like that. In that case…"
In a flash, the human drew out a glowing machete from his belt! He parried Heliodor's blade with enough force that she nearly lost her grip!
"What?!"
Heliodor then took the fight seriously. She rushed forward and performed a series of furious, wide sweeps with her blade, forcing Fistrick back when the ice around her slashes became a fresh slush.
"How do you like that, you human pest?"
"Not bad, bro-ette!"
Fistrick circled around her with a wicked laugh. He tossed the machete from one hand to the other with deft skill and an eagerness for carnage. The rubies were keeping the rest of his forces busy as a gargantuan fusion of five, allowing the two warriors to fight mano a gema without any outside interruption.
"Too bad the whole 'life' gimmick you have going on is cutting into my bottom line. Looks like I'll need to take that off your hands, too."
Canon Omake: Welcome to Earth Pt. 3
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
Canon Omake: Welcome to Earth, Part 3
Colonial Captain-Governor Heliodor, beleaguered ruler of the Earth, was not having a good week. From the moment she arrived in orbit above this wretched planet, she was the victim of having her shot down, being stranded in the middle of nowhere, suffered from being poofed for days, nearly got stuck in a box, and was gravely insulted by the local human infestation upon first contact. The level of resistance she was facing with this world would have made it one of her most challenging governorships, if you looked past the fact that she had yet to actually start the job.
"I'm really starting to hate this planet!" she shouted as the nimble pest dodged a myriad of stabs and swipes of her glowing sword. The human warrior, Fistrick, should have been a breeze to eliminate. In spite of the odds being against him, he was able to exploit an opening in Helidor's stance and cut her leg with his machete.
"Ugh!"
In hindsight, she shouldn't have been so eager to take on a planet with such a checkered history. This could have easily been a Hessonite or Pyrope problem instead.
"Get back here!"
Heliodor had to reassess her career choices later. While the giant ruby made out of her bodyguard squad punched and kicked their way through Fistrick's soldiers, Heliodor redoubled her efforts to strike the human warrior down. She planted her foot and unleashed a vicious glare in Fistrick's direction. An orange beam of light blasted out of her gem, cutting a distinct line through the cool mountain air and the unprotected wilderness surrounding them.
"Woah." It was all Fistrick could say when he stood up from behind a rock and looked around at the devastation. "Killer laser eye."
"That's exactly my intent!"
Heliodor lunged for his cover, ripping through the stone in a single thrust! Fistrick was sent sliding back, the ground rendered treacherous by the puddles of slush and water around them. As their fight continued, the mountainous arena gradually transformed from a snowy vista to a steaming sauna. Fistrick continued to avoid her attacks, but the gem warrior knew her indomitable stamina would win out over organic frailties. Not even the flashing lights of the battle happening around them could distract her from victory.
"Is that the best you can do, bro? I ain't even--"
Heliodor nicked Fistrick's arm with a wild thrust, causing him to drop his weapon and grasp the injured limb in pain. With the tables turned, Heliodor kicked Fistrick in the chest, shoving him against the cliff side where she raised her sword to the human's neck.
She let out a confident laugh and slid his weapon away with her foot. It floated out of sight down the stream.
"Oh ho ho ho! I see now that we did get off on the wrong foot! Tell me, do you have any last words? Anything that you believe will convince me to spare you?"
Fistrick coughed and muttered something Heliodor couldn't wholly understand.
"Speak up, wastrel. I can't hear you."
Fistrick spat out a tooth.
"I said, are you insulated?"
"Insulated? What kind of last words are…?"
"Hey Captain!" the giant ruby shouted. "We chased them away again!"
Keeping her weapon trained on Fistrick, Heliodor turned her head in the direction of the ruby fusion and the flashing lights. Several of Fistrick's vehicles were toppled over, exposing their power sources to be small, black and yellow creatures shaped like batteries. The giant ruby was standing in a large puddle of water between the smoking piles of machinery, sparks flying out of their containment tubes. The human thugs weren't scared off; they knew a disaster was about to happen.
Realizing the danger they were in, Heliodor ignored the human and ran towards them, her stomps creating more splashes. The whole clearing was soaking wet!
"Ruby! Get away from the water!"
She tried to warn them of what was about to happen, but in that moment, the most scatterbrained, bewildered ruby was at the forefront of their composite personality.
"Huh? But we won, right?"
"No, you don't understand! We're about to be--"
Before she could say anything further, the tubes exploded into glass, ozone, and arcs of high-voltage electricity. All of them were enveloped in sudden, erratic, horrible pain, the force of which brought Heliodor to her knees and made the rubies unfuse into a pile when the intense shock came to an end.
In an instant, they went from powerful to helpless. Heliodor could make out the pair of electric creatures zipping off to the sky, leaving them to their fates. She then saw an untouched Fistrick walking closer towards them.
"Don't mind the Nosedeenians," Fistrick said as he took out the incapacitated rubies with his bare hands. "They keep going, and going, and going like that. It's what they're good for."
When the fight ended, Fistrick's gang tied the weakened Heliodor with steel cables. He had one of his minions pull out an electrified storage box and stored the rubies in them. Another human took the case formerly held by a robinoids and presented it to their boss.
"You wouldn't dare!" the weakened Heliodor shouted in vain. "That is a gift from Yellow Diamond herself!"
"Oh, I dare."
He popped open the case.
"Another one? Looks like it's in mint condition. If you're lucky, Peridot's gonna pick up the phone and pay the ransom for your crew."
"And if I'm not?" Heliodor asked defiantly.
"You already don't look too lucky, dude-ette. Your Homeworld has first dibs, but if they don't want your crew back, then I gotta open up the auction to other buyers."
"I would rather be shattered than be sold into slavery by a human!" Heliodor cried.
Fistrick smiled.
"That works for me. I didn't plan on selling broken merch anyway."
"What are you--?"
The humans pushed Heliodor over, and Fistrick kicked her gem with his insulated boots.
"Ow! Stop doing that!"
He didn't stop kicking.
"Stop it! It hurts!"
With each impact, Heliodor's entire body shuddered and sparked. Her body shuddered, drifting further and further away from clean-cut perfection per hit until she was nearly unrecognizable.
"STOP! PLEASE!"
Fistrick didn't stop until he heard a crack and a terrible scream that persisted. When he was done, he walked away.
"Pack it up, bros! We'll take the gems now and bring in the trucks in for the ship later."
"What about her?" one of the humans asked Fistrick.
He didn't spare a glance to Heliodor, who kept screaming as she held both hands to her gem. As if they could seal the breach in it shut.
"Why is it leaking?"
Drops of plasma dripped out of her gem and to the ground, boiling the earth where they fell. She repeated the last word, over and over again.
"Leaking? Leaking? Leaking?"
"Forget her," he said coldly. "We got what we came for."
They did what he said. The group took most of the gems and whatever they could carry out from the ship, then left.
Fistrick gave Heliodor a final glance before driving away. In a flash of compassion, he decided to leave her with a proper greeting and final word of wisdom.
"Welcome to Earth. And avoid the carbs. They're a killer."
Heliodor ultimately did not take the advice. Not only because she was screaming, but because she didn't feel very welcome at all.
Colonial Captain-Governor Heliodor, beleaguered ruler of the Earth, was not having a good week. From the moment she arrived in orbit above this wretched planet, she was the victim of having her shot down, being stranded in the middle of nowhere, suffered from being poofed for days, nearly got stuck in a box, and was gravely insulted by the local human infestation upon first contact. The level of resistance she was facing with this world would have made it one of her most challenging governorships, if you looked past the fact that she had yet to actually start the job.
"I'm really starting to hate this planet!" she shouted as the nimble pest dodged a myriad of stabs and swipes of her glowing sword. The human warrior, Fistrick, should have been a breeze to eliminate. In spite of the odds being against him, he was able to exploit an opening in Helidor's stance and cut her leg with his machete.
"Ugh!"
In hindsight, she shouldn't have been so eager to take on a planet with such a checkered history. This could have easily been a Hessonite or Pyrope problem instead.
"Get back here!"
Heliodor had to reassess her career choices later. While the giant ruby made out of her bodyguard squad punched and kicked their way through Fistrick's soldiers, Heliodor redoubled her efforts to strike the human warrior down. She planted her foot and unleashed a vicious glare in Fistrick's direction. An orange beam of light blasted out of her gem, cutting a distinct line through the cool mountain air and the unprotected wilderness surrounding them.
"Woah." It was all Fistrick could say when he stood up from behind a rock and looked around at the devastation. "Killer laser eye."
"That's exactly my intent!"
Heliodor lunged for his cover, ripping through the stone in a single thrust! Fistrick was sent sliding back, the ground rendered treacherous by the puddles of slush and water around them. As their fight continued, the mountainous arena gradually transformed from a snowy vista to a steaming sauna. Fistrick continued to avoid her attacks, but the gem warrior knew her indomitable stamina would win out over organic frailties. Not even the flashing lights of the battle happening around them could distract her from victory.
"Is that the best you can do, bro? I ain't even--"
Heliodor nicked Fistrick's arm with a wild thrust, causing him to drop his weapon and grasp the injured limb in pain. With the tables turned, Heliodor kicked Fistrick in the chest, shoving him against the cliff side where she raised her sword to the human's neck.
She let out a confident laugh and slid his weapon away with her foot. It floated out of sight down the stream.
"Oh ho ho ho! I see now that we did get off on the wrong foot! Tell me, do you have any last words? Anything that you believe will convince me to spare you?"
Fistrick coughed and muttered something Heliodor couldn't wholly understand.
"Speak up, wastrel. I can't hear you."
Fistrick spat out a tooth.
"I said, are you insulated?"
"Insulated? What kind of last words are…?"
"Hey Captain!" the giant ruby shouted. "We chased them away again!"
Keeping her weapon trained on Fistrick, Heliodor turned her head in the direction of the ruby fusion and the flashing lights. Several of Fistrick's vehicles were toppled over, exposing their power sources to be small, black and yellow creatures shaped like batteries. The giant ruby was standing in a large puddle of water between the smoking piles of machinery, sparks flying out of their containment tubes. The human thugs weren't scared off; they knew a disaster was about to happen.
Realizing the danger they were in, Heliodor ignored the human and ran towards them, her stomps creating more splashes. The whole clearing was soaking wet!
"Ruby! Get away from the water!"
She tried to warn them of what was about to happen, but in that moment, the most scatterbrained, bewildered ruby was at the forefront of their composite personality.
"Huh? But we won, right?"
"No, you don't understand! We're about to be--"
Before she could say anything further, the tubes exploded into glass, ozone, and arcs of high-voltage electricity. All of them were enveloped in sudden, erratic, horrible pain, the force of which brought Heliodor to her knees and made the rubies unfuse into a pile when the intense shock came to an end.
In an instant, they went from powerful to helpless. Heliodor could make out the pair of electric creatures zipping off to the sky, leaving them to their fates. She then saw an untouched Fistrick walking closer towards them.
"Don't mind the Nosedeenians," Fistrick said as he took out the incapacitated rubies with his bare hands. "They keep going, and going, and going like that. It's what they're good for."
When the fight ended, Fistrick's gang tied the weakened Heliodor with steel cables. He had one of his minions pull out an electrified storage box and stored the rubies in them. Another human took the case formerly held by a robinoids and presented it to their boss.
"You wouldn't dare!" the weakened Heliodor shouted in vain. "That is a gift from Yellow Diamond herself!"
"Oh, I dare."
He popped open the case.
"Another one? Looks like it's in mint condition. If you're lucky, Peridot's gonna pick up the phone and pay the ransom for your crew."
"And if I'm not?" Heliodor asked defiantly.
"You already don't look too lucky, dude-ette. Your Homeworld has first dibs, but if they don't want your crew back, then I gotta open up the auction to other buyers."
"I would rather be shattered than be sold into slavery by a human!" Heliodor cried.
Fistrick smiled.
"That works for me. I didn't plan on selling broken merch anyway."
"What are you--?"
The humans pushed Heliodor over, and Fistrick kicked her gem with his insulated boots.
"Ow! Stop doing that!"
He didn't stop kicking.
"Stop it! It hurts!"
With each impact, Heliodor's entire body shuddered and sparked. Her body shuddered, drifting further and further away from clean-cut perfection per hit until she was nearly unrecognizable.
"STOP! PLEASE!"
Fistrick didn't stop until he heard a crack and a terrible scream that persisted. When he was done, he walked away.
"Pack it up, bros! We'll take the gems now and bring in the trucks in for the ship later."
"What about her?" one of the humans asked Fistrick.
He didn't spare a glance to Heliodor, who kept screaming as she held both hands to her gem. As if they could seal the breach in it shut.
"Why is it leaking?"
Drops of plasma dripped out of her gem and to the ground, boiling the earth where they fell. She repeated the last word, over and over again.
"Leaking? Leaking? Leaking?"
"Forget her," he said coldly. "We got what we came for."
They did what he said. The group took most of the gems and whatever they could carry out from the ship, then left.
Fistrick gave Heliodor a final glance before driving away. In a flash of compassion, he decided to leave her with a proper greeting and final word of wisdom.
"Welcome to Earth. And avoid the carbs. They're a killer."
Heliodor ultimately did not take the advice. Not only because she was screaming, but because she didn't feel very welcome at all.
On Potential Synergistic Interactions of caffeine
- Location
- Pennsylvania
On Potential Synergistic Interactions of caffeine
Abstract
Caffeine is an adenosine A2A receptor antagonist, competitively binding to adenosine receptors in the central nervous system. Antagonism of receptors in the posterior hypothalamus, in conjunction with stimulation of the medullary vagal, vasomotor, and respiratory centers is responsible for the wakefulness-promoting effects. While this is primarily due to the deregulation of adenosine buildup in the neuronal synapse, the increased rate of respiration, decreased heart rate, and vasoconstriction act in the same regard, as does the promotion of the release of monoamines and acetylcholine. Caffeine is metabolized in the liver through the CYP1A2 isozyme resulting in the production of paraxanthine, theobromine, and theophylline, all of which have their own effect on the body. This study investigates potential synergy of other drugs with caffeine to increase the wakefulness-promoting and nootropic effects, as well as other pathways by which CNS stimulation may be achieved, and the downstream effects of adenosine antagonization. Case studies performed will demonstrate that a combination of caffeine with carefully dosed amounts of fluvoxamine and modafinil demonstrate a massive increase in efficacy from all three drugs, making it an ideal choice for commercial applications. Furthermore, earlier stages of the study revealed a combination that is more suited for military use due to the greater effects it has on the body.
Introduction
Fluvoxamine is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) used primarily for the treatment of major depressive disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, functioning by modulating the transport of serotonin into the presynaptic cell via monoamine transporters. With serotonin remaining in the synaptic cleft longer than it normally would, it may act on the synaptic receptors of the recipient cell more than it would have otherwise, playing a role in moderating mood disorders. Fluvoxamine in particular inhibits the function of cytochrome p450 enzyme CYP1A2 which , as the sole mediator in the metabolization of caffeine, increases the bioavailability for up to a 10-fold increase in caffeine levels and subsequent half-life. As seen in U Jeppesen et al, persistent doses of fluvoxamine resulted in consistently elevated caffeine levels present in urine for the aforementioned 10-fold increase. This is statistically significant due to the elimination of caffeine via glomerulal filtration; the majority of caffeine is metabolized in the liver, allowing any remaining in the bloodstream to be excreted- but with CYP1A2 being deactivated by the presence of fluvoxamine, caffeine's plasma concentration is able to remain persistently high. While this does not increase the effect of caffeine on CNS stimulation, it does enhance the duration in which it may act.
As seen above in the experimental protocols dictated by Jeppesen et al, fluvoxamine contributes to the persistence of caffeine and its metabolites for several days following initial consumption, with plasma concentration demonstrating a statistically significant decrease in glomerulal elimination following consumption of fluvoxamine- increasing the half-life from 5 to 31 hours. Jeppesen calls attention to the efficacy of inhibition of CYP1A2 over other substrates such as propranolol, imipramine, and clozapine, eliminating their viability for this project as well as avoiding any potential unwanted side effects of those drugs. Fluvoxamine, therefore, demonstrates viability for use in this indication although further care must be taken to avoid caffeine intoxication.
The mechanism of cocaine is complex and while it has indications involving vasoconstriction and anticoagulant effects, these are unrelated to its potential use in this proposal. Cocaine is a potent CNS simulator, acting primarily on monoamine and reuptake transporters in a similar manner to fluvoxamine- but instead of acting solely on serotonin, cocaine also modulates the concentration of dopamine in the synaptic cleft, leading to the activation of downstream post-synaptic dopamine receptors.Dopaminergic activation of these receptors is involved in the mesolimbic reward pathway that is responsible for habit formation. M Mehta et al examine the synergism of cocaine when administered in conjunction with caffeine, due to their similar yet distinct mechanisms of action in modulating catecholamine release. Caffeine is metabolized primarily in the liver by the cytochrome P450 enzyme, primarily resulting in the release of norepinephrine, while cocaine may act on dopamine and serotonin primarily in preganglionic fibers. (M Mehta et al, 2004) Administration order seems to play a significant role in the demonstrated synergy, due to metabolization rates and affinity for receptors- caffeine may attenuate the effects of cocaine if administered afterwards, but if cocaine is administered following metabolization of caffeine, the synergistic effects may be demonstrated (M Mehta et al, 2004). While this would demonstrate some practical effects in dosing of this combination, the addition of naloxone will decrease the availability of opioid receptors, allowing for the synergy to take place. Naloxone is primarily utilized to counter or reduce the effects of opioid overdose. It is a competitive opioid receptor antagonist, demonstrating a significantly higher binding affinity for the μ-, δ-, and κ-opioid receptors, preventing opioid molecules from continuing their pharmacological effects- and negative side effects such as in the case of respiratory depression (Swerdlow et al, 2005). Oral administration of naloxone results in massively reduced bioavailability compared to intravenous administration due to first-pass metabolism in the liver, resulting in the total amount of available naloxone being insufficient to completely eliminate the effects of the opioid, while still reducing the total amount of opioid metabolization that takes place. This study demonstrates that the presence of naloxone is enough to delay cocaine metabolization after caffeine administration given the half-life of naloxone being shorter than that of cocaine (Handal et al, 1983).
Bubar et al further demonstrate interactions between fluvoxamine and cocaine in mediation of dopamine transmissions in addition to fluvoxamine's effects on serotonin reuptake. Due to the 5-HT serotonin reuptake transporter being modulated by cocaine, this may lead to increased concentrations of serotonin in the synaptic cleft, allowing for SSRIs such as fluvoxamine to potentiate the effects of cocaine (Bubar et al, 2003; Cunningham and Callahan, 1991; Herges and Taylor, 1998; Reith et al., 1991), particularly- and of interest in this study- of the locomotor effects of cocaine. Bubar et al confirms this in their experiment, as was replicated during the experimental phase of this study. It is suggested that this is due to the interaction between 5-HT receptors and their indirect activation by plasma cocaine levels due to fluvoxamine's theorized effect on altering monoamine transporters- " therefore it is plausible that fewer cocaine molecules are able to bind to SERT in the presence of fluoxetine than when cocaine is administered alone, thereby rendering more cocaine available to bind DAT." (Bubar et al, 2003) In essence, this theorizes that the pharmacological activity of cocaine in conjunction with a SSRI like fluvoxamine results in less overall cocaine molecules binding to receptors, thus allowing the effect of cocaine to be modulated by the SSRI, especially in conjunction with the administration of naloxone as previously mentioned. Furthermore, fluvoxamine's inhibition of the P450 3A4 cytochrome (Fleishaker and Hulst, 1994)- the very same mechanism of action by which it synergizes with caffeine- inhibits the breakdown of cocaine, leading to a longer effective half-life of the drug.
The extant possibility of serotonin storm (also known as 'serotonin syndrome') is a possibility with this combination of serotonergic drugs. Serotonin storm is a phenomenon in which synaptic serotonin levels are elevated, causing a wide variety of side effects ranging from an increase in blood pressure to more severe cases such as fever, tremor, and increased sweating (Sternbach 1991). The combination of drugs addressed in this study is unlikely to trigger this phenomenon due to multiple factors as discussed prior- the effects of fluvoxamine and cocaine acting in conjunction, the presence of naloxone decreasing the amount of cocaine binding to opiate receptors- and the lower doses of the SSRI and stimulant, which should reduce the chance to a clinically insignificant 1% of cases (Friedman 2015, Kuribara 1994, Venture et al, 1957). It is unlikely to eliminate the possibility of the phenomenon in its entirety while still utilizing serotonergic drugs, barring the addition of benzodiazepines or serotonin antagonists like cyproheptadine in the case of onset (Friedman 2015). While this would in theory allow us to increase our profits by offering the product ourselves, the risk may be deemed unacceptable for commercial applications despite the lack of risk. There is a noted legal precedent for the lack of liability on companies subcontracted to provide pharmaceuticals to the US Military (United States v. Venture Industries, 1985), leaving this route open to us to pursue. "By providing a black box warning about the appropriate risks of dependence and related symptoms [...] the defendant cannot be held liable for any damages suffered by individual personnel. There is a reasonable degree of competence to be expected in following appropriate dosing directions and management of any resultant side effects." (United States v. Venture Industries, 1985)
This study examines the viability of using armodafinil as an alternative to cocaine in the event that the low risk of serotonin storm is deemed unacceptable for commercial applications. Armodafinil is the R-enantiomer of modafinil, a CNS stimulant that functions on the inhibition of dopamine reuptake. Consequently it has very little effect on the serotonin or norepinephrine receptors (Ishizuka et al, 2012; Schmitt and Reise 2011), instead modulating the effect of the neuropeptide orexin and histamine neurotransmitter pathways, which work in conjunction with dopamine, norepinephrine, and acetylcholine pathways to promote wakefulness as well as stabilizing the need for sleep (Ishizuka et al, 2012). Half-life of the drug is approximately 15 hours in the average Adult body, once again being acted upon by the cytochrome P540 complex (Ninan et al, 2004) providing synergy when administered in conjunction with SSRIs like fluvoxamine due to the ways in which the drugs are metabolized. Most notably, armodafinil's lack of serotonergic activity reduces the possibility of serotonin storm to nonexistent levels when administered in conjunction with caffeine and fluvoxamine (Wisor 2013) given that its only influence on hypothalamic levels of serotonin is the result of a very indirect influence on extracellular dopamine.
Materials and Methods
This study was carried out on a double-blind selection of five hundred Adults who demonstrated no prior heart, liver, or kidney conditions due to clinical investigations, over a period of two months. They consumed no additional drugs nor alcohol over the course of the study, and were subsequently monitored over every step of the procedure, including full panel blood tests, complete urinalysis, EEG, EKG, and physical examination every twenty-four hours. All subjects were told that they were participating in the study but were not informed as to the specifics to avoid any potential placebo contamination.
The following drugs were used: cocaine hydrochloride, fluvoxamine maleate, naloxone hydrochloride, armodafinil, and caffeine. Each was obtained in their purest form from the United States Pharmacopeia, with their purity assured through spectrographic and melting point analysis. Samples were examined and compared to a known baseline and found to be within .05% of the manufacturer's claims, making them suitable for use in the study. All of the drugs were dissolved in sterile 0.9% NaCl saline and administered orally.
The experimental procedures outlined in the study by Jeppesen et al were tested independently to attempt to replicate the results. Subjects were divided randomly into two groups, one of which was monitored on the basis of 200mg caffeine administered over a week, while the experimental group was administered an additional 50mg of fluvoxamine after the first three days, increased to 200mg of fluvoxamine for every subsequent day. Blood plasma and urine samples were collected and analyzed for caffeine metabolites at half hour intervals for the following seventy-two hours. As expected, our own results managed to confirm the protocol dictated by Jeppesen et al, and the experimental protocol could proceed.
Subsequently, the subjects were randomly divided into thirteen groups, as dictated in the following figure:
Strict monitoring of all subjects was a priority to assure both safety and validity of the data; subjects were provided with food over the course of the protocol that lacked in any potential metabolites of caffeine or the other administered drugs. Over the following two week period, subjects were first administered caffeine for five days prior to concurrent administration of the additional drugs. As mentioned previously, plasma and urine were monitored for metabolites of caffeine, as well as a comprehensive monitoring of heart rate, blood pressure, and coronary flow reserve, as dictated in the following:
[CHARTS REDACTED FOR BREVITY, AVAILABLE ON REQUEST. THERE ARE THREE HUNDRED OF THESE THINGS.]
In addition to these physical attributes, the mental effects on test subjects were observed as well, and monitored for any potential deviations from the baseline by means of cognitive tests and interviews. There was a fortunately low occurrence of megalomania within the observed population, with only a grand total of two (2) subjects demonstrating any sort of declaration as to their intent to take on or over the world, while the vast majority of subjects instead displayed increased energy, focus, and efficiency as dictated in the following:
[ANOTHER TWO HUNDRED PAGES OF INTERVIEWS, IT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE HE DID THIS IN TWO MONTHS]
It should be noted that this study breaks from traditional FDA observation in declaring that spontaneous bouts of laughter, maniacal or otherwise, are a well-observed baseline behavior for many functional Adults. Further study is needed to determine why this behavior tends to increase with administration of different formulations, but at present this is far from a problem.
Discussion
Results of the study are extremely promising. As speculated, the coadministration of caffeine with fluvoxamine, cocaine, and naloxone resulted in suppression of the CYP1A2 enzyme due to fluvoxamine's affinity for the substrate, resulting in vastly increased plasma concentrations of caffeine and subsequently lower concentrations of its metabolites over the drastically increased half-life. Caffeine remained in the blood plasma for up to 31 hours with the expected physiological effects of wakefulness, increased plasma catecholamine concentrations, and other CNS effects. Administration of cocaine hydrochloride in conjunction with a decreased dose of naloxone functioned similar to speculation, with [Figure 31-47] demonstrating the altered locomotor activity, heart rate, blood pressure, myocardial oxygen consumption, and stroke volume as Mehta et al demonstrated. This alone is enough to consider the blend as viable for military applications at the very least, and as expected the occurrence of serotonin storm was extremely low. However, the studies with the combination of caffeine, fluvoxamine, and armodafinil were even more promising [Figures 68-112], in that they demonstrated nootropic effects at the cost of the dramatic change in locomotor activity. These armodafinil studies demonstrated not a single case of dangerously increased serotonin concentration, rendering them perfectly safe for commercial applications. My recommendation in moving into clinical trials is proceeding with two different combinations:
Military application [name pending- investigate 'BATTLE COFFEE' in test markets]: 300 mg caffeine/100 mg fluvoxamine maleate/5 mg cocaine hydrochloride/1 mg naloxone hydrochloride
Civilian application ['Patriarch's TRIFECTA Blend'/'Señor Padre's Café']: 200 mg caffeine/50 mg fluvoxamine maleate/150 mg armodafinil
Obviously, the usual contraindications and dosing considerations apply, though we can absolve ourselves of legal liability by providing a black box warning (Hector con Carne v. FDA, 2023; United States v. Venture Industries, 1957). This product is, of course, for Adults only as its use is strictly contraindicated in any and all children. With the initial trials out of the way, we can move on to more important matters such as finding the perfect blend of coffee to obscure the taste of the pharmaceuticals. I recommend a light blend but will ultimately leave it up to focus groups.
References
Bubar MJ, et al. (2003). "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors enhance cocaine-induced locomotor activity and dopamine release in the nucleus accumbens." Neuropharmacology.
Carey RJ, et al. (January 2008). "Cocaine effects on behavioral responding to a novel object placed in a familiar environment". Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behavior.
Fleishaker, J.C., Hulst, L.K., 1994. "A pharmacokinetic and pharmacodynamic evaluation of the combined administration of alprazolam and fluvoxamine." European Journal of Clinical Pharmacology
Friedman, Joseph H. (2015). "Medication-Induced Movement Disorders." Cambridge University Press.
Fujii J, Kuribara H, Tadokoro S. (1989.) "Interaction between caffeine and methamphetamine by means of ambulatory activity in mice. " Yakubutsu Seishin Kodo.
Handal KA, Schauben JL, Salamone FR. (1983) "Naloxone." Ann Emerg Med.
Hector con Carne v. FDA, 771, U.S. 339 (2023)
Ishizuka T, Murotani T, Yamatodani A. (2012) "Action of modafinil through histaminergic and orexinergic neurons." Vitamins and Hormones.
Jeppesen U, et al. (1996). "A fluvoxamine-caffeine interaction study." Pharmacogenetics.
Kuribara H, Uchihashi Y. (1994). "Interactions of opioids with caffeine: evaluation by ambulatory activity in mice." Division for Behavior Analysis, Behavior Research Institute.
Mechner F, Latranyi M. (1963). "Behavioral Effects of Caffeine, Methamphetamine, and Methylphenidate in the Rat." Journal of the Experimental Analysis of Behavior.
Mehta M, et al. (2004). "Effects of cocaine and caffeine alone and in combination on cardiovascular performance." International Journal of Cardiology
Ninan PT, et al. (2004). "Adjunctive modafinil at initiation of treatment with a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor enhances the degree and onset of therapeutic effects in patients with major depressive disorder and fatigue." Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.
Schmitt KC, Reith ME. (2011) "The atypical stimulant and nootropic modafinil interacts with the dopamine transporter in a different manner than classical cocaine-like inhibitors." PLoS One.
Sternbach H (June 1991). "The serotonin syndrome". American Journal of Psychiatry.
Swerdlow N, et al. (1985). "Effects of Naloxone in Heroin-, Amphetamine-, and Caffeine-Stimulated Locomotor Activity in the Rat." Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behavior.
United States v. Venture Industries, 332, U.S. 214. (1985).
Venture J, et al. (1957). "An Examination into Opiate and Amphetamine Use in Improving US Soldier Efficacy." Journal of Military Ethics.
Wisor J. (2013) "Modafinil as a catecholaminergic agent: empirical evidence and unanswered questions." Frontiers in Neurology.
===
"Huh. Let's see. 'On potential synergistic applications of caffeine'." Hank had been waiting for the Professor's report for what felt like months. He didn't know all that much about chemistry, but as CEO it was going to be his responsibility to figure out just what XXXL had been going on about for all this time and to present it to Mr. Father.
"Hmm. This is a respected scientific journal. I'm sure he doesn't mean that kind of cocaine."
===
"BWAAAH!"
Abstract
Caffeine is an adenosine A2A receptor antagonist, competitively binding to adenosine receptors in the central nervous system. Antagonism of receptors in the posterior hypothalamus, in conjunction with stimulation of the medullary vagal, vasomotor, and respiratory centers is responsible for the wakefulness-promoting effects. While this is primarily due to the deregulation of adenosine buildup in the neuronal synapse, the increased rate of respiration, decreased heart rate, and vasoconstriction act in the same regard, as does the promotion of the release of monoamines and acetylcholine. Caffeine is metabolized in the liver through the CYP1A2 isozyme resulting in the production of paraxanthine, theobromine, and theophylline, all of which have their own effect on the body. This study investigates potential synergy of other drugs with caffeine to increase the wakefulness-promoting and nootropic effects, as well as other pathways by which CNS stimulation may be achieved, and the downstream effects of adenosine antagonization. Case studies performed will demonstrate that a combination of caffeine with carefully dosed amounts of fluvoxamine and modafinil demonstrate a massive increase in efficacy from all three drugs, making it an ideal choice for commercial applications. Furthermore, earlier stages of the study revealed a combination that is more suited for military use due to the greater effects it has on the body.
Introduction
Fluvoxamine is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) used primarily for the treatment of major depressive disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, functioning by modulating the transport of serotonin into the presynaptic cell via monoamine transporters. With serotonin remaining in the synaptic cleft longer than it normally would, it may act on the synaptic receptors of the recipient cell more than it would have otherwise, playing a role in moderating mood disorders. Fluvoxamine in particular inhibits the function of cytochrome p450 enzyme CYP1A2 which , as the sole mediator in the metabolization of caffeine, increases the bioavailability for up to a 10-fold increase in caffeine levels and subsequent half-life. As seen in U Jeppesen et al, persistent doses of fluvoxamine resulted in consistently elevated caffeine levels present in urine for the aforementioned 10-fold increase. This is statistically significant due to the elimination of caffeine via glomerulal filtration; the majority of caffeine is metabolized in the liver, allowing any remaining in the bloodstream to be excreted- but with CYP1A2 being deactivated by the presence of fluvoxamine, caffeine's plasma concentration is able to remain persistently high. While this does not increase the effect of caffeine on CNS stimulation, it does enhance the duration in which it may act.
As seen above in the experimental protocols dictated by Jeppesen et al, fluvoxamine contributes to the persistence of caffeine and its metabolites for several days following initial consumption, with plasma concentration demonstrating a statistically significant decrease in glomerulal elimination following consumption of fluvoxamine- increasing the half-life from 5 to 31 hours. Jeppesen calls attention to the efficacy of inhibition of CYP1A2 over other substrates such as propranolol, imipramine, and clozapine, eliminating their viability for this project as well as avoiding any potential unwanted side effects of those drugs. Fluvoxamine, therefore, demonstrates viability for use in this indication although further care must be taken to avoid caffeine intoxication.
The mechanism of cocaine is complex and while it has indications involving vasoconstriction and anticoagulant effects, these are unrelated to its potential use in this proposal. Cocaine is a potent CNS simulator, acting primarily on monoamine and reuptake transporters in a similar manner to fluvoxamine- but instead of acting solely on serotonin, cocaine also modulates the concentration of dopamine in the synaptic cleft, leading to the activation of downstream post-synaptic dopamine receptors.Dopaminergic activation of these receptors is involved in the mesolimbic reward pathway that is responsible for habit formation. M Mehta et al examine the synergism of cocaine when administered in conjunction with caffeine, due to their similar yet distinct mechanisms of action in modulating catecholamine release. Caffeine is metabolized primarily in the liver by the cytochrome P450 enzyme, primarily resulting in the release of norepinephrine, while cocaine may act on dopamine and serotonin primarily in preganglionic fibers. (M Mehta et al, 2004) Administration order seems to play a significant role in the demonstrated synergy, due to metabolization rates and affinity for receptors- caffeine may attenuate the effects of cocaine if administered afterwards, but if cocaine is administered following metabolization of caffeine, the synergistic effects may be demonstrated (M Mehta et al, 2004). While this would demonstrate some practical effects in dosing of this combination, the addition of naloxone will decrease the availability of opioid receptors, allowing for the synergy to take place. Naloxone is primarily utilized to counter or reduce the effects of opioid overdose. It is a competitive opioid receptor antagonist, demonstrating a significantly higher binding affinity for the μ-, δ-, and κ-opioid receptors, preventing opioid molecules from continuing their pharmacological effects- and negative side effects such as in the case of respiratory depression (Swerdlow et al, 2005). Oral administration of naloxone results in massively reduced bioavailability compared to intravenous administration due to first-pass metabolism in the liver, resulting in the total amount of available naloxone being insufficient to completely eliminate the effects of the opioid, while still reducing the total amount of opioid metabolization that takes place. This study demonstrates that the presence of naloxone is enough to delay cocaine metabolization after caffeine administration given the half-life of naloxone being shorter than that of cocaine (Handal et al, 1983).
Bubar et al further demonstrate interactions between fluvoxamine and cocaine in mediation of dopamine transmissions in addition to fluvoxamine's effects on serotonin reuptake. Due to the 5-HT serotonin reuptake transporter being modulated by cocaine, this may lead to increased concentrations of serotonin in the synaptic cleft, allowing for SSRIs such as fluvoxamine to potentiate the effects of cocaine (Bubar et al, 2003; Cunningham and Callahan, 1991; Herges and Taylor, 1998; Reith et al., 1991), particularly- and of interest in this study- of the locomotor effects of cocaine. Bubar et al confirms this in their experiment, as was replicated during the experimental phase of this study. It is suggested that this is due to the interaction between 5-HT receptors and their indirect activation by plasma cocaine levels due to fluvoxamine's theorized effect on altering monoamine transporters- " therefore it is plausible that fewer cocaine molecules are able to bind to SERT in the presence of fluoxetine than when cocaine is administered alone, thereby rendering more cocaine available to bind DAT." (Bubar et al, 2003) In essence, this theorizes that the pharmacological activity of cocaine in conjunction with a SSRI like fluvoxamine results in less overall cocaine molecules binding to receptors, thus allowing the effect of cocaine to be modulated by the SSRI, especially in conjunction with the administration of naloxone as previously mentioned. Furthermore, fluvoxamine's inhibition of the P450 3A4 cytochrome (Fleishaker and Hulst, 1994)- the very same mechanism of action by which it synergizes with caffeine- inhibits the breakdown of cocaine, leading to a longer effective half-life of the drug.
The extant possibility of serotonin storm (also known as 'serotonin syndrome') is a possibility with this combination of serotonergic drugs. Serotonin storm is a phenomenon in which synaptic serotonin levels are elevated, causing a wide variety of side effects ranging from an increase in blood pressure to more severe cases such as fever, tremor, and increased sweating (Sternbach 1991). The combination of drugs addressed in this study is unlikely to trigger this phenomenon due to multiple factors as discussed prior- the effects of fluvoxamine and cocaine acting in conjunction, the presence of naloxone decreasing the amount of cocaine binding to opiate receptors- and the lower doses of the SSRI and stimulant, which should reduce the chance to a clinically insignificant 1% of cases (Friedman 2015, Kuribara 1994, Venture et al, 1957). It is unlikely to eliminate the possibility of the phenomenon in its entirety while still utilizing serotonergic drugs, barring the addition of benzodiazepines or serotonin antagonists like cyproheptadine in the case of onset (Friedman 2015). While this would in theory allow us to increase our profits by offering the product ourselves, the risk may be deemed unacceptable for commercial applications despite the lack of risk. There is a noted legal precedent for the lack of liability on companies subcontracted to provide pharmaceuticals to the US Military (United States v. Venture Industries, 1985), leaving this route open to us to pursue. "By providing a black box warning about the appropriate risks of dependence and related symptoms [...] the defendant cannot be held liable for any damages suffered by individual personnel. There is a reasonable degree of competence to be expected in following appropriate dosing directions and management of any resultant side effects." (United States v. Venture Industries, 1985)
This study examines the viability of using armodafinil as an alternative to cocaine in the event that the low risk of serotonin storm is deemed unacceptable for commercial applications. Armodafinil is the R-enantiomer of modafinil, a CNS stimulant that functions on the inhibition of dopamine reuptake. Consequently it has very little effect on the serotonin or norepinephrine receptors (Ishizuka et al, 2012; Schmitt and Reise 2011), instead modulating the effect of the neuropeptide orexin and histamine neurotransmitter pathways, which work in conjunction with dopamine, norepinephrine, and acetylcholine pathways to promote wakefulness as well as stabilizing the need for sleep (Ishizuka et al, 2012). Half-life of the drug is approximately 15 hours in the average Adult body, once again being acted upon by the cytochrome P540 complex (Ninan et al, 2004) providing synergy when administered in conjunction with SSRIs like fluvoxamine due to the ways in which the drugs are metabolized. Most notably, armodafinil's lack of serotonergic activity reduces the possibility of serotonin storm to nonexistent levels when administered in conjunction with caffeine and fluvoxamine (Wisor 2013) given that its only influence on hypothalamic levels of serotonin is the result of a very indirect influence on extracellular dopamine.
Materials and Methods
This study was carried out on a double-blind selection of five hundred Adults who demonstrated no prior heart, liver, or kidney conditions due to clinical investigations, over a period of two months. They consumed no additional drugs nor alcohol over the course of the study, and were subsequently monitored over every step of the procedure, including full panel blood tests, complete urinalysis, EEG, EKG, and physical examination every twenty-four hours. All subjects were told that they were participating in the study but were not informed as to the specifics to avoid any potential placebo contamination.
The following drugs were used: cocaine hydrochloride, fluvoxamine maleate, naloxone hydrochloride, armodafinil, and caffeine. Each was obtained in their purest form from the United States Pharmacopeia, with their purity assured through spectrographic and melting point analysis. Samples were examined and compared to a known baseline and found to be within .05% of the manufacturer's claims, making them suitable for use in the study. All of the drugs were dissolved in sterile 0.9% NaCl saline and administered orally.
The experimental procedures outlined in the study by Jeppesen et al were tested independently to attempt to replicate the results. Subjects were divided randomly into two groups, one of which was monitored on the basis of 200mg caffeine administered over a week, while the experimental group was administered an additional 50mg of fluvoxamine after the first three days, increased to 200mg of fluvoxamine for every subsequent day. Blood plasma and urine samples were collected and analyzed for caffeine metabolites at half hour intervals for the following seventy-two hours. As expected, our own results managed to confirm the protocol dictated by Jeppesen et al, and the experimental protocol could proceed.
Subsequently, the subjects were randomly divided into thirteen groups, as dictated in the following figure:
Strict monitoring of all subjects was a priority to assure both safety and validity of the data; subjects were provided with food over the course of the protocol that lacked in any potential metabolites of caffeine or the other administered drugs. Over the following two week period, subjects were first administered caffeine for five days prior to concurrent administration of the additional drugs. As mentioned previously, plasma and urine were monitored for metabolites of caffeine, as well as a comprehensive monitoring of heart rate, blood pressure, and coronary flow reserve, as dictated in the following:
[CHARTS REDACTED FOR BREVITY, AVAILABLE ON REQUEST. THERE ARE THREE HUNDRED OF THESE THINGS.]
In addition to these physical attributes, the mental effects on test subjects were observed as well, and monitored for any potential deviations from the baseline by means of cognitive tests and interviews. There was a fortunately low occurrence of megalomania within the observed population, with only a grand total of two (2) subjects demonstrating any sort of declaration as to their intent to take on or over the world, while the vast majority of subjects instead displayed increased energy, focus, and efficiency as dictated in the following:
[ANOTHER TWO HUNDRED PAGES OF INTERVIEWS, IT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE HE DID THIS IN TWO MONTHS]
It should be noted that this study breaks from traditional FDA observation in declaring that spontaneous bouts of laughter, maniacal or otherwise, are a well-observed baseline behavior for many functional Adults. Further study is needed to determine why this behavior tends to increase with administration of different formulations, but at present this is far from a problem.
Discussion
Results of the study are extremely promising. As speculated, the coadministration of caffeine with fluvoxamine, cocaine, and naloxone resulted in suppression of the CYP1A2 enzyme due to fluvoxamine's affinity for the substrate, resulting in vastly increased plasma concentrations of caffeine and subsequently lower concentrations of its metabolites over the drastically increased half-life. Caffeine remained in the blood plasma for up to 31 hours with the expected physiological effects of wakefulness, increased plasma catecholamine concentrations, and other CNS effects. Administration of cocaine hydrochloride in conjunction with a decreased dose of naloxone functioned similar to speculation, with [Figure 31-47] demonstrating the altered locomotor activity, heart rate, blood pressure, myocardial oxygen consumption, and stroke volume as Mehta et al demonstrated. This alone is enough to consider the blend as viable for military applications at the very least, and as expected the occurrence of serotonin storm was extremely low. However, the studies with the combination of caffeine, fluvoxamine, and armodafinil were even more promising [Figures 68-112], in that they demonstrated nootropic effects at the cost of the dramatic change in locomotor activity. These armodafinil studies demonstrated not a single case of dangerously increased serotonin concentration, rendering them perfectly safe for commercial applications. My recommendation in moving into clinical trials is proceeding with two different combinations:
Military application [name pending- investigate 'BATTLE COFFEE' in test markets]: 300 mg caffeine/100 mg fluvoxamine maleate/5 mg cocaine hydrochloride/1 mg naloxone hydrochloride
Civilian application ['Patriarch's TRIFECTA Blend'/'Señor Padre's Café']: 200 mg caffeine/50 mg fluvoxamine maleate/150 mg armodafinil
Obviously, the usual contraindications and dosing considerations apply, though we can absolve ourselves of legal liability by providing a black box warning (Hector con Carne v. FDA, 2023; United States v. Venture Industries, 1957). This product is, of course, for Adults only as its use is strictly contraindicated in any and all children. With the initial trials out of the way, we can move on to more important matters such as finding the perfect blend of coffee to obscure the taste of the pharmaceuticals. I recommend a light blend but will ultimately leave it up to focus groups.
References
Bubar MJ, et al. (2003). "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors enhance cocaine-induced locomotor activity and dopamine release in the nucleus accumbens." Neuropharmacology.
Carey RJ, et al. (January 2008). "Cocaine effects on behavioral responding to a novel object placed in a familiar environment". Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behavior.
Fleishaker, J.C., Hulst, L.K., 1994. "A pharmacokinetic and pharmacodynamic evaluation of the combined administration of alprazolam and fluvoxamine." European Journal of Clinical Pharmacology
Friedman, Joseph H. (2015). "Medication-Induced Movement Disorders." Cambridge University Press.
Fujii J, Kuribara H, Tadokoro S. (1989.) "Interaction between caffeine and methamphetamine by means of ambulatory activity in mice. " Yakubutsu Seishin Kodo.
Handal KA, Schauben JL, Salamone FR. (1983) "Naloxone." Ann Emerg Med.
Hector con Carne v. FDA, 771, U.S. 339 (2023)
Ishizuka T, Murotani T, Yamatodani A. (2012) "Action of modafinil through histaminergic and orexinergic neurons." Vitamins and Hormones.
Jeppesen U, et al. (1996). "A fluvoxamine-caffeine interaction study." Pharmacogenetics.
Kuribara H, Uchihashi Y. (1994). "Interactions of opioids with caffeine: evaluation by ambulatory activity in mice." Division for Behavior Analysis, Behavior Research Institute.
Mechner F, Latranyi M. (1963). "Behavioral Effects of Caffeine, Methamphetamine, and Methylphenidate in the Rat." Journal of the Experimental Analysis of Behavior.
Mehta M, et al. (2004). "Effects of cocaine and caffeine alone and in combination on cardiovascular performance." International Journal of Cardiology
Ninan PT, et al. (2004). "Adjunctive modafinil at initiation of treatment with a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor enhances the degree and onset of therapeutic effects in patients with major depressive disorder and fatigue." Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.
Schmitt KC, Reith ME. (2011) "The atypical stimulant and nootropic modafinil interacts with the dopamine transporter in a different manner than classical cocaine-like inhibitors." PLoS One.
Sternbach H (June 1991). "The serotonin syndrome". American Journal of Psychiatry.
Swerdlow N, et al. (1985). "Effects of Naloxone in Heroin-, Amphetamine-, and Caffeine-Stimulated Locomotor Activity in the Rat." Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behavior.
United States v. Venture Industries, 332, U.S. 214. (1985).
Venture J, et al. (1957). "An Examination into Opiate and Amphetamine Use in Improving US Soldier Efficacy." Journal of Military Ethics.
Wisor J. (2013) "Modafinil as a catecholaminergic agent: empirical evidence and unanswered questions." Frontiers in Neurology.
===
"Huh. Let's see. 'On potential synergistic applications of caffeine'." Hank had been waiting for the Professor's report for what felt like months. He didn't know all that much about chemistry, but as CEO it was going to be his responsibility to figure out just what XXXL had been going on about for all this time and to present it to Mr. Father.
"Hmm. This is a respected scientific journal. I'm sure he doesn't mean that kind of cocaine."
===
"BWAAAH!"