"Before I begin the next chapter I would like to take some time to address a rumour floating around the thread. Some of you have come to believe that I like all this random speculation and theorizing. I wish to
dash these rumours. I do not
like random speculation and theorizing.
"I.
Love. Random speculation and theorizing.
"Through my life I have discovered so many forms of random speculation and theorizing;
"You get up in the morning, you're still half asleep, and a thought about that fic your read before bed hits you so you post it before you finish waking up.
"Wrong thread random speculation and theorizing.
"You're on your break at work, and running out of time to finish typing in your favourite thread so you hit post before you can double check your reply.
"Poorly explained random speculation and theorizing.
"But then you find out that you somehow guessed the major plot twist of the next chapter without actually trying and you get to post that you called it even though you're secretly wondering how that happened.
"Accidentally correct random speculation and theorizing.
"Then in the afternoon you try and expand upon past posts but there's someone just ignoring what you're trying to say, trying to tell you what you really mean, or just making thinly veiled insults.
"Trolling random speculation and theorizing.
"You finally finish everything you need to do for the day and settle into your favourite chair to read the latest chapters of the fics you're following, but the author's are all running that same old song and dance.
"Cliffhanger random speculation and theorizing.
"What I am telling you, my fantastical fanbase of fanatical followers, is that I am a purveyor of random speculation and theorizing. And with your constant complaining, demanding, and complaining over the years I am now at the precipice of my true goal.
"You see, I want some simple random speculation and theorizing. No wrong thread random speculation and theorizing, no poorly explained random speculation and theorizing, no accidentally correct random speculation and theorizing, and
certainly no trolling random speculation and theorizing!
"I swear, every damn thread...
"What I want is random speculation and theorizing that only I can bring. The
true random speculation and theorizing. The
author random speculation and theorizing. The question you've
all been waiting for...
"I! Want! Random! Speculation! And theorizing! About! Whether! The fic! Is dead or not!"
...
Wait. I don't want you wanting that.
You're not
a pudgy vampire Nazi robot, right?