Soldier
It is hard work, living.
How easy the opposite.
She runs. They all run. Her boots stick to the ground, a friendly, companionable shluck, shuh-luk, shluck that is echoed back at her from all sides, a staccato of flying mud accompanying their pursuit, threatening to rip boots from their feet at every turn even as they chase their guiding star. She doesn't care though she knows she should.
She can still hear him, her old drillmaster, Goat-Faced Qin, shouting with that annoying, high-pitched cadence that you were sure would have been excised as a matter of course out of an old silver, that it would come out with the sludge when you burn out the impurities swimming in your veins, but no.
Your boots are your life, he'd say. You're a goddamn soldier, and you're all soft, and no, not soft as gold, you're as soft as tallow, you're as soft as a wet fart, with no hopes and no prospects at anything better and you'd grunt yeah, yeah, we know, shut the fuck up.
So remember this, he'd yell, over the eyeballs rolling, voice rising as he senses he's losing your attention, losing your respect, remember you miserable flakes of rust, you grimy dog-children, you artists of piss and shit, when you're on the march, the first things to go will be your feet. You can lose a lot. That sword you all love, that treasure you're hauling, that talisman you're wearing, and that blood, swirling around your belly. But not your boots.
Because your boots are your spirits-be-damned life.
And man oh man, did they all hate Goat-Faced Qin with his limp and his fake eye and his braying laugh and his face like a goat, cheeks gaunt and near hollow and that little wisp of a beard scrabbling out of his chin, graying with age and how he'd put you down even on the worst day of your life.
But he's dead now and she wasn't there to see whatever coward stabbed him in the back, slashed his good eye and stole his boots. None of them were.
None of them were here for no one and isn't that the bitterest of pills.
Old Man Zhang had a family here, or part of, he's old old, with seeds scattered all over this backwater. She'd played with his grandkid when he was only waist high and last she'd heard he had married a fat, beautiful girl and started his own family, some years back. No talent at all, not for cultivation, but a charmer who had been doing well on the exams, could make something of himself, even as a mortal.
Here Auntie Lu, I made this for you to keep you safe!
A paper charm. He made them for everyone his grandpappy talked about, when he deigned to talk at all to his hack of a no-talent grandchild. She'd lost it, years ago, and now wishes she hadn't. The curse of the memory of an Immortal.
She can see his back, broad and muscular, Old Man Zhang, the only third realm among them, their rock in any fight, near to the end of his second century, or was it third, calm and stoic no matter what the crisis. He'd had a big family. Had being that small, painfully important bone buried in the salad.
He looks like he doesn't care, he's every inch the career soldier, but she saw him at the doorway of a bloodstained house, nothing glamorous, but nice for a mortal family, saw the blood seeping through his fingers as he silently cradled a too-small body, his pipe at his feet.
She herself had a lover. A little dish to the side that she kept to herself.
It wasn't going to go anywhere though he'd wanted it to. He'd wanted children. She hadn't. It should have ended there.
She can see his eyes, so big and soft, like those of a child, and his dark curls that framed his head and his lips whispering
Love you, Lil Lu.
She nearly stops. But everyone's boots are shluck-shuh-luck-shulucking their way through the muck, cuz' they're in this together, cuz' out here there ain't no one that hasn't lost someone to this farce of a tragedy and the white rage so close to black despair is kept on the precipice once more, fuel for their inner fires.
So they run.
Don't become a soldier, her father used to tell her, it's all just rutting, one way or another. You fuck or get fucked and that's no life for a woman.
I like fucking, she'd tell him, amused at how his face would go crimson and how he'd begin to sputter, you can't say that you little harlot.
He was wrong. It's not all fucking. The thickened skin on her hands and feet attest to her training, day in and day out, cultivating the Threefold Way, that incomparable art for mediocre talents, the scars that mar her form give proof to her experience. Army took her apart, brick by brick, and built her back up, stronger, faster, meaner than before.
Don't do it, her father tells her, the day before she runs to see Uncle Xu and join the army, the edges of his long mustache quivering with emotion as he speaks, they will fill your ears and head until it is bursting with righteous indignation and marching songs, but truly, there is no honor in it. Become a potter, become a weaver, become a painter, hell, become a butcher – anything but this wretched magpie vulture existence. It isn't worth a goddamn fiddler's fart. Who needs another soldier? Another pair of eyes to watch the border and get stabbed by barbarians or lured by spirits? There are more than enough in the world already.
You're a soldier, Baba.
So shouldn't I know? It gets to you, all the killing. A soldier never gets to choose. So you'll never know. Never know if it was right or wrong, if the blood on your hands is good or bad or in-between, if it deserves mercy, or if it doesn't.
And it's true. It's true as anything she has ever heard come out of his mouth. They never tell you about the days you're hunting down deserters who just want to go home, scared kids who signed up for glory only to get the gore, or the gang of thieves that hoodwinked an official but never drew a drop of blood, men and women who beg and beg as the noose approaches, sometimes not even for themselves, they know that wouldn't work, but for their student, for their lover, for the stupid dipshit they tricked, yeah, yeah, this was all just a long con I'm the only one that deserves to lose my head, please, please, please, all pathetic with hope, or the barbarians who, yeah, you know in your bones they'll grow up and wanna destroy the empire, but right now, right now they're nothing more than brats and sir, no one would notice if we let them slip away, they're so small, c'mon, sir, we're not monsters, sir, for mother mercy's sake, they cry and bleed and shit just like us and sir, sir, SIR.
Yeah?
I didn't sign up to this gig to kill children.
No one ever does, Lu.
But. On this day, on this one occasion, in this singular moment, she knows. She burns with the knowledge.
Today her enemies deserve everything that is coming for them.