Ship of Fools: A Taylor Varga Omake (Complete)

Alright, so, the Spore Drive.
There is this magic fungus, it has a fancy name that loosely means 'first plant star traveller', the important thing about this fungus is that it primarily lives in subspace, forming a massive multiverse-spanning mushroom ring which pokes little mushroom protrusions into real-space to release spores and reproduce, much like a normal mushroom except in subspace. The Spore Drive works by jumping into the magic subspace fungus dimension and then jumping out back into reality at the desired location. The problem is that the jumping is 'probabilistic' which apparently means that the longer the jump, the greater the number of possible exit points. This is a problem because the network is so fuckin huge that the number of possible exit points becomes incomprehensibly vast and impossible to sift through within milliseconds, and the ships had insufficient computing power to figure out the desired exit point before the native magic subspace fungus ate the invader.
Fortunately, they found a magic alien tardigrade that existed in multiple dimensions at the same time, was probably sentient and had a symbiotic relationship with the magic subspace fungus by just grabbing some fungus DNA and jamming that shit into its own genetic code, which worked because magic alien tardigrade. Because the tardigrade is both magical and multidimensional, it naturally has the innate ability to perceive and navigate through higher dimensional physics, as well as the ability to navigate the magic subspace mushroom ring to teleport around the multiverse at-will. So they jacked the magic alien tardigrade into their computers and used it to do the calculations, boom! Point to point teleportation.
Unfortunately, the magic alien tardigrade didn't take well to this treatment, and it turns out jacking it into computers and forcibly using its mind as a navigation computer was literally destroying its brain with every use. Fortunately, the magic alien tardigrade was able to just jam other creatures DNA into itself, so logically it should be fine to just jam some magic alien tardigrade DNA into a human. So they did that and bam, the human gained the same ability to perceive and navigate higher dimensions as well as the magic subspace mushroom ring, with the minor side effect of progressive neurological damage from having his brain used as a navigation computer and ending up existing slightly outside of conventional space\time, making him a bit loopy. Fortunately the magic subspace mushroom ring can store minds, so when his brain inevitably burned out his mind just hid out in the magic fungus dimension and the crew were able to track him down, fix up his body and shove him back in it A-OK.

In short, the Spore Drive works because of magic subspace fungus and magic alien tardigrade DNA. On the bright side, it has never needed to have its polarity reversed, so that's something.

F**king what?

Somebody was smoking some magic fungus when they came up with that plot device. Let me guess -- Starfleet will eventually kill all the fungus through utter idiocy, hence explaining why nobody in the future uses (or talks about) spore drives. Jay-sus, what a weird one...
 
FYI, I renamed all the chapters and thread-marks because it is really hard to keep track of which one does what when all of the chapter names are quotes from Ship of Fools by World Party. Also, I was running out of lines in the song...
 
F**king what?

Somebody was smoking some magic fungus when they came up with that plot device. Let me guess -- Starfleet will eventually kill all the fungus through utter idiocy, hence explaining why nobody in the future uses (or talks about) spore drives. Jay-sus, what a weird one...
Nah, the alternate universe militarized Starfleet killed all the fungus because instead of making a Spore Drive they made a magic subspace fungus reactor to power a huge super-dreadnaught, with the side effect of murdering the shit out of the magic subspace fungus because it was a consumable resource. (Gasp, fossil fuel analogy!)
In Discovery-verse the magic subspace fungus turned out to be sentient and appeared as a hallucination to one of the crew in an attempt to manipulate her with the goal of kidnapping said crewmember into the magic fungus dimension, because it needed her help to deal with a spreading corruption that was killing it. Said corruption turned out to be the mind of the lover of the guy who injected himself with magic alien tardigrade DNA, who was thought to be dead but ended up in the magic fungus dimension instead and was defending himself against the magic subspace fungus, which was trying to eat him because he was a foreign element. They got him out and made a new body for him, but he was understandably traumatized by the whole thing and so no happily ever afters.

I don't recall if they've used the Spore Drive since then, but given that the problem wasn't the drive itself I don't think there's anything stopping them from doing so again, apart from the aforementioned progressive brain damage and temporal dislocation.


Personally, I'm guessing that as this series involves the Temporal Cold War, Discovery is going to end up accidentally retconning itself and\or certain crew-members into never having existed in the first place, probably while saving the Federation in the process, thus explaining the lack of mention of certain characters and plot devices in the future.
 
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Okay, the Zombie-apocalypse happened, and we know whose brains were the first to be consumed ...
 
Huh? I didn't see any zombies during the "Screw you Xenomorphs" part of the last chapter.

I think the 'zombies' comment was related to the ST: Discovery discussion. To be honest, I only ever watched the pilot episode of that. The pilot was interesting, to be fair. But the rest of the series can only be watched through the streaming service set up by that network (NBC I think). And since the network doesn't have anywhere near enough things I'd want to watch to justify subscribing to the streaming service, I've ignored ST: Discovery's existence.
 
I think the 'zombies' comment was related to the ST: Discovery discussion. To be honest, I only ever watched the pilot episode of that. The pilot was interesting, to be fair. But the rest of the series can only be watched through the streaming service set up by that network (NBC I think). And since the network doesn't have anywhere near enough things I'd want to watch to justify subscribing to the streaming service, I've ignored ST: Discovery's existence.

Thank you for clearing that up. I legit thought I'd missed something.
 
Lets put it this way, Discovery was a Charlie Foxtrot from day one onward - did you see what that idiot did with the Klingons? Not to mention various other things; I've only read summaries and have never even watched the pilot for the series but a retcon would be necessary to bring it into the main timeline at all. It has to be AU because very little FITS in the main timeline at all from the show.

There's a reason they hired Patrick Stewart to reprise his role as Jean-Luc - they need to save the franchise from a plethora of very bad decisions. Not just on the writer/director end, but also on the Network end as a whole. The idea of YASS (Yet Another Streaming Service) did not go over well with the vast majority of people... holding Star Trek hostage didn't help their position either.
 
Lets put it this way, Discovery was a Charlie Foxtrot from day one onward - did you see what that idiot did with the Klingons? Not to mention various other things; I've only read summaries and have never even watched the pilot for the series but a retcon would be necessary to bring it into the main timeline at all. It has to be AU because very little FITS in the main timeline at all from the show.

Supposedly the Klingon justification is that the Klingons we see in Discovery are a fanatical extremist offshoot of the Klingons who are super-dedicated to Kahless and the old traditional Klingon ways. Basically, they're barbaric primitives even by Klingon standards, and they're bald because apparently Klingons shave their hair when they are officially at war, so they have hair again in season 2 as the official war has ended.

But yeah, they're basically the Klingon equivalent of fanatical religious crusaders, and they look different because they rejected the 'modern' Klingon way of life, which I guess involves some degree of genetic engineering to look less like a flat-faced neanderthal with shark teeth.

Aka; they're Klingon ter'rists.


Incidentally, I've been watching it on Netflix.
 
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Supposedly the Klingon justification is that the Klingons we see in Discovery are a fanatical extremist offshoot of the Klingons who are super-dedicated to Kahless and the old traditional Klingon ways. Basically, they're barbaric primitives even by Klingon standards, and they're bald because apparently Klingons shave their hair when they are officially at war, so they have hair again in season 2 as the official war has ended.

But yeah, they're basically the Klingon equivalent of fanatical religious crusaders, and they look different because they rejected the 'modern' Klingon way of life, which I guess involves some degree of genetic engineering to look less like a flat-faced neanderthal with shark teeth.

Aka; they're Klingon ter'rists.


Incidentally, I've been watching it on Netflix.

And yet, according to the pilot nobody has seen a Klingon beyond vulcans in the distant past. Until now that is. And that's despite the fact that Archer and the original Enterprise encountered klingons, and Kirk faced them many times. Discovery is suppose to be set in the Abrams reboot verse, I think.
 
And yet, according to the pilot nobody has seen a Klingon beyond vulcans in the distant past. Until now that is. And that's despite the fact that Archer and the original Enterprise encountered klingons, and Kirk faced them many times. Discovery is suppose to be set in the Abrams reboot verse, I think.
Nope, Discovery is explicitly the original timeline, not the time-traveling Spock timeline.

Note that I'm not trying to claim that the justifications are good, merely that there are justifications. The people making Discovery didn't just make stuff up at random, they pulled justifications out of their arse as well.

Then again, this is Star Trek, and it's not like this is the first time that the Klingons suddenly showed up with entirely different physical features without anyone in-universe noticing that anything was different. I'm fairly sure they end up somewhat redesigned at least half a dozen times across the series timeline. Probably because they can't help themselves from tinkering with their DNA to try and become super-Klingons, or something. Constantly messing with their genetics and accidentally spending half a century missing their forehead ridges as a consequence does sound like something the Klingons would do (and possibly did do), after all. They're not exactly the type for thinking things through, they prefer to just act and then deal with the consequences later. Preferably by blowing them up or stabbing them in the face.
 
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Nope, Discovery is explicitly the original timeline, not the time-traveling Spock timeline.

I consider it a public service to the multiverse that one of the things the Family wants to stop in O'Brien's version of Star Trek is the whole movie reboot sequence. The first film was tolerable, but its biggest sins were against logic, not canon. Things went downhill from there. What's really sad is that the casting is legitimately very good -- filled with actors whose other works I've enjoyed greatly. The writing is Michael Bay-quality, sadly.
 
I consider it a public service to the multiverse that one of the things the Family wants to stop in O'Brien's version of Star Trek is the whole movie reboot sequence. The first film was tolerable, but its biggest sins were against logic, not canon. Things went downhill from there. What's really sad is that the casting is legitimately very good -- filled with actors whose other works I've enjoyed greatly. The writing is Michael Bay-quality, sadly.
Yeah, I really want the movies to be good, because they look awesome and have a bunch of really good scenes and acting, but dear god the actual story is so very Michael Bay.

Which is fine for Transformers when all I want is to see giant robots punching each other in the face while Optimus Prime monologues about how awesome humans are (despite all evidence to the contrary.) But the same style really does not work well for Star Trek.
 
Nope, Discovery is explicitly the original timeline, not the time-traveling Spock timeline.

Note that I'm not trying to claim that the justifications are good, merely that there are justifications. The people making Discovery didn't just make stuff up at random, they pulled justifications out of their arse as well.

Then again, this is Star Trek, and it's not like this is the first time that the Klingons suddenly showed up with entirely different physical features without anyone in-universe noticing that anything was different. I'm fairly sure they end up somewhat redesigned at least half a dozen times across the series timeline. Probably because they can't help themselves from tinkering with their DNA to try and become super-Klingons, or something. Constantly messing with their genetics and accidentally spending half a century missing their forehead ridges as a consequence does sound like something the Klingons would do (and possibly did do), after all. They're not exactly the type for thinking things through, they prefer to just act and then deal with the consequences later. Preferably by blowing them up or stabbing them in the face.

The pilot epsiode's explanation that klingons haven't been seen by anyone in so long that they are a myth is directly contradicted by Enterprise, Star Trek (original series), Star Trek: The New Guys, Star Trek: DS9, Star Trek: Voyager, and every movie set in the main timeline. Especially since I think Discovery is suppose to be set between the original series and Next Gen.

This means either Discovery is set in it's own timeline that's unconnected to the Abramsverse or the main timeline, or something really screwy is going on.
 
The pilot epsiode's explanation that klingons haven't been seen by anyone in so long that they are a myth is directly contradicted by Enterprise, Star Trek (original series), Star Trek: The New Guys, Star Trek: DS9, Star Trek: Voyager, and every movie set in the main timeline. Especially since I think Discovery is suppose to be set between the original series and Next Gen.

This means either Discovery is set in it's own timeline that's unconnected to the Abramsverse or the main timeline, or something really screwy is going on.

The species that triggered the very first mission of the NX-01 Enterprise is mythical? The one that resulted in the enforced peace of the Organians? That's like saying the Ottoman Empire was a mythical realm because they haven't been around for a while. Just because it has ample historical documentation and played a major role in the evolution of modern Europe and was an influence on both Western and Eastern Civilization doesn't mean it actually existed, right?
 
The pilot, as I recall has the vulcan in the command staff as the only one who believes klingons exist, and others on Vulcan (when she contacts them) spout some malarky about how the ship can't be encountering klingons because nobody has seen them in so long. And yet, Kirk was a frequent foe of the Klingon Empire and a major part of why the peace treaty with them occurred. Archer faced off against klingons too. So if Discovery is suppose to be set between Enterprise and the original series, it again ignores canon.

The series MUST be a different timeline then the main set of shows.
 
Chapter 20: Deliberation and Fumigation
...
just because your powers were introduced
...
Should that be 'induced' - introduced doesn't sound quite right...

Nice chapter, good going-over of various time-lines. Nicely done Alien stomp.

Marvel had a supposed reason for the 'anti-mutant' bit, which had to do with a hive intelligence running off bacteria in almost all humans, except those with the X-gene. Look up Sublime. But, whether this applies in Peter's world...
 
The pilot epsiode's explanation that klingons haven't been seen by anyone in so long that they are a myth is directly contradicted by Enterprise, Star Trek (original series), Star Trek: The New Guys, Star Trek: DS9, Star Trek: Voyager, and every movie set in the main timeline. Especially since I think Discovery is suppose to be set between the original series and Next Gen.

This means either Discovery is set in it's own timeline that's unconnected to the Abramsverse or the main timeline, or something really screwy is going on.
Nope, Discovery is set approximately a decade before the original series, putting it between Enterprise and TOS. The Klingon\Federation war depicted is the first one ever, the same one that is referenced multiple times as recent history in TOS.

Specifically, Discovery takes place year ~2256, Kirk entered the academy in 2252, so I think he's still in school during Discovery.
 
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Nope, Discovery is set approximately a decade before the original series, putting it between Enterprise and TOS. The Klingon\Federation war depicted is the first one ever, the same one that is referenced multiple times as recent history in TOS.

Specifically, Discovery takes place year ~2256, Kirk entered the academy in 2252, so I think he's still in school during Discovery.

Then claiming klingons are a myth and nobody's seen one in multiple hundreds of years thus nobody believes they exist is foolish. After all, Archer would have encountered them in 2151.
 
I haven't bothered to watch Discovery. What little I've heard and read about it basically says it wants to be a prequel to the original series, but is ignoring every bit of continuity leading up to that point; the ships use previously unknown super-tech, the Klingons look nothing like Klingons, and the Klingon ships lack any resemblance in design philosophy or capabilities to what Klingon ships of that era should be.

In short, it's a broadcast fanfiction written by people who are slapping the Star Trek name on just to get people to watch. It ignores Enterprise, it barely tries to set up the Original Series, and it does nothing to advance or reinforce the storylines from the later era series.

Am I wrong?
 
Then claiming klingons are a myth and nobody's seen one in multiple hundreds of years thus nobody believes they exist is foolish. After all, Archer would have encountered them in 2151.
True, they haven't been seen in one hundred years, rather than hundreds of years. In fact, the exact words said in 'The Vulcan Hello' are that there have been almost no Klingon encounters in "almost a century", specifically the last major Klingon encounter was back in 2156, just after the final encounter depicted in "Divergence", which actually does kind of make sense as that was right after they figured out how to fix the Augment virus that made their forehead ridges go away.

There were a few raids and whatnot in that period and tensions started ratcheting up by 2223 into active hostilities, but the Klingons involved never communicated with Starfleet, so no-one had actually seen a real live Klingon in ages, only the occasional spaceship moments before it started shooting at them.
 
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Should that be 'induced' - introduced doesn't sound quite right...

Yet that's what Taylor actually said... :)

Nice chapter, good going-over of various time-lines. Nicely done Alien stomp.

Thank you.

Marvel had a supposed reason for the 'anti-mutant' bit, which had to do with a hive intelligence running off bacteria in almost all humans, except those with the X-gene. Look up Sublime. But, whether this applies in Peter's world...

Yeah, nope. That's one of those plots that retcons something in a ridiculous fashion because the writer or editorial staff wanted to add a SHOCKING TWIST. Having sentient bacteria cause anti-mutant hatred makes about as much sense as Spider-Man selling his marriage to the devil.

Other things that don't exist in this fic's Marvel-verse:

1) NFL Superpro (I used to own a copy of the #1 issue of this series).
2) The Punisher turns temporarily black.
3) Scarlet Witch banging her brother like a Lannister.
4) Blob eats the Wasp.
5) Teen-aged Tony Stark.
6) The Iron Man armor falls in love with Tony.

To be fair, there are probably MORE things in the DC comics that aren't in this fic's universe.

Also, Squirrel Girl exists.
 
Wait, Sublime's a name and not a descriptor? I always thought "the Sentient Mold Sublime" was a fake joke villain made up for that one animation.

I guess that's probably the point, though.
 
So, I just read the summary on Wikipedia.

What. The. Fuck.

How did that plotline get greenlit?

Tie-in marketing. How do we get football fans to read more comic books? Create a football themed hero, of course. We're lucky we didn't get a Starbucks-themed hero named Green Barista, who has super-espresso powers.
 
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