Ballad of Howard the Mule and the Terrible Chicken
Howard the Mule was rather misleading name. For one, he was a donkey, not a mule as his name suggests. Secondly, he has no relations to Howard the Actual Mule about three counties over though the two have met before. Howard earned his name for the fact that when most people saw him the first thing they thought was something along the lines of 'Wow! Look at the size of that mule!'
Howard was big, and his owner Kevin Lumberbridge was proud to call him the largest in the states. Course, he gave up on trying to hassle those record book keepers from coming around to measure him and Howard was content on being the counties eight-time record holder whenever the county fair roles around. Between then, Howard spends his time on the Lumberbridge Farm guarding the cows from any pesky predators. More than once has Howard chased off overconfident Coyotes and Cougars, often with a fatal kick to the skull. Not once has Kevin ever lost a cow while Howard has been deputy of the pastures, for the longest time Kevin was certain Howard would live a long life until he was given over to his brother, a breeder, to live any mans dream.
Now, all Kevin could think as he took a video from the relative safety of his house was that his life as a farmer was over, and that Howard the Mule was going to meet an ultimately untimely demise at the hands of some type of Lion-Eagle thing. The herd had bunched up tight together, the bulls on the outside as if that would save them, the cows braying in terror as the avian monster paced around the herd with hunger and murderous intent. Those UN folk he called called it a Griffen or something, but that didn't matter to the farmer. His wife and son were down in the basement and they said the army or whatever would be here in a few hours, but that was a few hours too late. Hell, the only reason he was still up here was to wish farewell to the one gloriously stubborn donkey that had kept his herd safe for the last 15 minutes.
Howard had positioned himself between the herd of cows and the Griffen just like he would for any other predator, matching its pace as it prowled around the livestock looking for a nice place to go in and chow down. Howard had only lived this long because the Griffen was playing with the donkey, like some sort of insult to Howards pride, like he could actually stop the proud creature. But every joke has its punchline and Kevin could tell the Griffen was about to deliver.
It stopped it's pacing to directly phase the protective donkey, and Howard returned a stubborn sidelong glare to compete with the predators hungry look. Farmer Lumbridge held his breath and considered putting the phone down, he didn't want his best friend getting to pieces on record, but like looking at a car crash Kevin made no move to do so. The Griffen crouched down like any large cat, it's muscle flexing with power as it got ready to deliver the killing stroke, and Howard stood stock still, his body completely tense. Then the Griffen pounced with such speed that belied it's size with an open beak ready to tear Howard limb from limb.
Krak!
"SQUAK!"
But not fast enough. It's beak collided with the twin hooves of Howard the Mule, weapons that have slain many a so-called predator before. Though it was too far for the camera to notice, the momentum of the Griffen's charge and the power of Howard's kick caused the iron-sharp beak of the fantasy creature to crack in the two places the hooves made their mark. What Kevin did film, and he would remember this for the rest of his life, was the giant, terrifying form of the Griffen jerking as it's eagle like head snapped back and then collapsing into a heap of feathers and fur before the mighty Mule. Kevin, and the herd, was stunned into silence as Howard looked down upon his defeated foe. Before Kevin could be knocked out of his stupor, the Griffen was moving again. It got up onto its shaky font claws, and it looked backed at Howard in a shocked daze.
Howard began braying at it and for the first time in it's life the Griffen saw a creature it thought was pray, something far smaller than the cows it protected, actually advance upon the flying killing machine. The Griffen stumbled away in fear and bounded away, actually trying to take flight for a few seconds before it collided back with earth too shaken to actually keep it up. It easily outpaced the furious Howard until it stumbled-sprinted through the electric fence and into the woods knocking several trees over in its flight of panic. Kevin was in awe of what he had just witnessed. Howard simply snorted and went back to grazing on the lush green grass.
After checking up with Howard to make sure he was alright (A sprained joint, but nothing permanent), Kevin Lumbridge posted the video online and waited for the UN to show up. Within the hour, it was trending on twitter. After six, the video had nearly hit ten million views on Youtube and was steadily climbing. By the end of the day, "Howard the Mule vs Griffen" memes had flooded every media platform. Howard the Mule became an international celebrity over night, but ultimately he was happy finally getting his rightful place in the World Record book. That, and the fearful gaze he feels from the edge of the woods. Howards not concerned. That thing knows what will happen if it shows its ugly beak on Howards farm again.
