I got caught up in other obligations, so these thoughts aren't as fresh as they could've been, but, hm.
The format of a direct character narrated story of ALV is such that it's commonplace for us to see when it's very obvious when the POV is talking deeply incorrect shit (like C's horrible self-perception), but that also invites readers to take less egregious things at face value.
Things like, despite C having ABYSMAL respect for, C's (can I use "her" at this point? No, because Invidia Bat still thinks this is a boy-faking-girl thing) intelligence, C is under the clear impression that C understands Inessa more than Inessa understands C.
It's kinda pervasive, C talks Inessa up and down and side to side with as much love as spite, and whenever C isn't depressed Inessa became an unimaginably better person while C wasn't looking, C's sure Inessa's inner dimension are as transparent as the heart on her sleeve and doesn't. Really give allowances to Inessa's experience in this friendship being equal.
"We can help you." Inessa didn't ask if I'd been in control, didn't ask if I'd chosen to make monsters, to fight against the Saints. It must have seemed impossible, that poor pathetic little C would do any of those things of his own initiative.
"Let us bring you to Michael. We'll figure it out and keep you safe. I promise, we'll protect you C," I think I might have let her; if she had judged me a little, if she had looked and seen a person who wanted so badly to fall. But no, even now she was only talking at the phantom of a better friend.
Inessa never doubted me, never thought she might need to listen, never saw me as something that might not want to be protected the way I'd once offered to protect her. To her, I would always be nice, safe C: a brother, a font of moral support, a victim. She couldn't see the part of me that needed those dreams.
I think about these lines. About 'if she judged me, I'd accept I needed her help.'
I spent the rest of the morning classes going over what had happened again and again. I hadn't meant to be mean. I'd just felt glad to finally be in on one of the group's in-jokes to the point that I hadn't realized that saying that in front of Lupin it would be different.
But that wasn't an excuse, not really. Insulting Inessa in front of the girl she liked was a low blow, something I should have known better than to do if I wasn't just a big ugly insensitive lug who couldn't keep his foot out of his mouth to save his life. And besides, whatever excuse or motivation I could construct after the fact, I'd hurt Inessa.
So I grabbed a square of lukewarm cafeteria pizza and stumbled toward the usual spot, rehearsing what I had to say to Inessa for the hundredth time.
"Hey," I greeted everyone, earning a hi from Ida and a nod from Temperance. I winced, Temperance hadn't told me she was transgender and I'd accidentally pushed her into revealing that when she wasn't in her right mind. I owed apologies there too.
More importantly, Inessa didn't say anything and, in fact, made a point of looking away from me.
"Umm, Inessa," I knew what I had to say. I'd gone over it enough that I couldn't really mess it up.
She did not respond.
"I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for earlier!" Slowly, Inessa's gaze swung to face me, but her mouth remained pressed in a thin line.
"I really shouldn't have said that and you're not childish. If anything, I'm the childish one who can't do anything. You're really great. I admire you a lot actually and I really shouldn't have joked like that around Lupin as hard as it is for you to talk to her."
A small smile worked its way across Inessa's face before turning into a blush. "H-hey! I'm not that bad!" she flailed.
"And, umm, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know. Again, I'm so so sorry, you shouldn't have to do anything so if you want me to go hang out somewhere else or something, that's okay and…"
"C!" Inessa cut me off, looking a lot more alarmed, "It's okay! I'm not really that angry. Look, I was a little hurt that you just said that in front of Lupin like that, but it's not like it was on purpose or anything and you don't have to make it up to me and we definitely don't want you to leave!"
When this is the last and only time Inessa has had a reaction more severe than pouting at C?
When C takes every bit of criticism personally as fact, no matter how awful or wrong the person is in every other sense, and has consistently signaled to being ready to leave 'for her own good' at the drop of a hat?
Whether it's conscious or instinctive, Inessa has clearly adapted to always needing to say the least negative thing and wholly give off a positive impression lest she finally scares off her best friend, and in hindsight it seems to bleed through into her general 'if I see even the tiniest bit of good in someone I can forgive anything!' magical girl main character attitude, especially with how Avaritia pushes the 'you think you get to hurt my Person you absolute
bastard' button like no one else:
Avaritia pulled it wider, then spun on one heel to knock one of Castitas' fire arrows out of the air.
"Get away from him," Castitas shouted. Her voice was alien, furious in a way I'd never seen her. It wouldn't matter. She was too far away to reach me.
Inessa's eyes widened as she saw me. In reaction, Lupin spun and waved cheerfully, "Hiya C!" She wasted no time in bouncing toward me.
And Inessa did something utterly incomprehensible. Slowly, mournfully, she lifted her bow and raised it at us.
"Get away from em!" She shouted, as angry as I'd ever seen her.
"W-what, sorry, I—" I froze. I couldn't understand. All I could feel was a terrible, sinking sensation.
Fire coalesced around the drawn bow, an arrow aimed straight for me. How had it come to this? Was Inessa mind-controlled again?
"C!" Inessa shouted urgently, "You have to run!"
But just a day later she snaps to 'man no wonder ey were always against us when I kept misgendering em, even though ey's a good person otherwise' in a way that I'm, starting to wonder about:
"It is what it is," I pointed at her, "But, more importantly than that, how are you doing? Yesterday was," I wasn't sure what adjective could be used to describe a day where your crush reacted to an implied confession by ignoring you and asking a friend to hang out and then revealing emself to be a supervillain.
Inessa's face shifted to a look of personal horror.
"C! It's… it's awful," she said quietly.
I forced down the bile that rose to my throat.
Inessa blinked, then shook her head furiously, "N-no, I mean, it's awful I… I've been misgendering em this whole time! Ey probably hate me now and even if ey turns good ey'll never want to date me and…"
She paused, clamping one hand over her mouth, "I-I'm a lesbian, is it transphobic that I have a crush on em?!"
"Inessa," I rubbed the bridge of my nose, "you're kinda amazing, you know?"
She stuck her tongue out at me.
"I mean," she said, the panic dropping from her voice, "I think ey's trying to do the right thing in eir own way, so we'll find a way to get through to Lupin one way or another."
I couldn't help but smile at her. That's right, at the end of it all, Inessa Brandt was a hero. She wouldn't let anything get her down for long. And yet, was it really right to dismiss Avaritia's words that completely?
The way she immediately reacted to the anguish C tried to hide...
It's kinda the inherent irony of A Little Vice being a hypothetical fic of a hypothetic anime's main side character, instead of the revolving door of POVs the episode previews reference, we're solely in C's head, effectively hogging all emotional gravity and nuance, but when you take away the internal monologue that defines the story's mood, what seems like strained but earnest advice from C, and empty platitudes from the Saints, are pretty much exactly the same.
Inessa: C, that's not fair! Here I've been agonized about having to put on a mask and act all mysterious and you've known and been laughing at me this whole time!
C: Inessa, I knew you were silly long before you were a magical girl.
C: You're a hero you know. My hero. To think that little girl I had to protect from bullies would grow up to fight monsters.
Inessa: I'm glad, I've worried that, with so much time doing this and not being able to say anything and that we'd drift apart or stop being friends or….
C: Inessa, you're like my sister; you know, a bratty baby sister that's kind of embarrassing because she won't stop blatantly crushing on every pretty girl at school. I mean.
C: I mean, I said a lot of pretty nasty stuff before I got caught. I want to blame that all on Mr. Noir brainwashing me, but if you don't forgive me or you don't want to see me again or you want me to not be around you in public or anything I'd totally understand. It's what I deserve.
Inessa: Idiot, like whatever you said could be any more embarrassing than that time in fourth grade you said you wanted to grow up to be Princess Sirius.
C: A-anyway, if I'm fine and I have a Castitas approved bill of health, I should probably get home.
Inessa: Nope, not happening.
C: I can't just steal your bed and what will your parents say if they find out I was in your room at night!?
Inessa: Putting you up here tonight was their idea, they were just super insistent that you stay the night after we managed to talk them out of dragging you right to the hospital. They gave me specific orders to stop you from being an idiot and trying to go back to your place and everything.
C: Why?
Inessa: Oh come on, it's not that hard! They've known you since you were tiny and they adore you, honestly probably more than they like me. When I came out, my mom literally said her only regret was that this meant she wouldn't get to have you as a son in law. And, well, you don't talk about home much, but, we know you C.
C: Did they really think there was actually a chance we'd end up together?
Inessa: I know right!
C: W-weren't we planning on getting out of here before your mom comes home anyway? Besides, I promised Temperance ice-cream if she was good, so I was thinking we could try spending the afternoon in the park. I can text Inessa's family and tell them she snuck over pretty early to work on, I don't know a surprise for you or something, but we probably can't get away with having them at anyone's house…
Ida: Actually, that sounds great, but do you think you and Michael could watch them alone?
C: Going to grab some more sleep?
Ida: W-well, I really shouldn't skip lacrosse practice, and if I'm going, I should at least try to get to school for as much of the day as I should.
C: Actually, I'm a bit worried about losing them. You know, or something. Especially if we're going out. Inessa is one thing, but Temperance is, well.
Ida: I guess missing one day is okay. We can just study more to make up for later, Still, I did promise to be at practice.
C: If you don't really rest up, you're not going to be able to fight tonight, so maybe just come with us to the park and relax a little?
Ida: I have responsibilities. I need to stay diligent! Besides, how can I be at my best if I don't practice?
C: Practice is good and all, but if you just keep pushing yourself as hard as you can go, then what happens when something goes wrong? When you need to have a little more time or space or energy and you've already been working yourself to the bone? You'll have nothing extra to throw at an unexpected problem.
Ida: Obviously you need to look after your health. But when things get hard, you just dig deeper and find it in you if it really matters!
C: Anyway, we should get out of here before your mom comes back. I managed to get things mostly cleaned up while you were napping, and we can figure this out after we get these little hellions to the park where they can run through whatever energy they've got before you go fight.
Ida: I guess we should and, umm… Thanks for cleaning up and taking over for a bit? Really C, you're a life-saver.
C: I barely did anything, really!
That's really the whole thing with C, that as C's mental state deteriorates, C more and more resents people treating C as C treats them, without having the wherewithal to consider that if the shoes was on the other foot, would C know how to change tacks without being told?
It honestly rings out loudest with the degree C abhors being a cheerleader in need of protection, because really, genuinely, there's nothing that shows our dude's gone batty more than the way C's decided that being a regular person without superpowers who can't be immune to a rampaging monster is in fact a personal failing as a human being.
Especially in how it feeds into this condemnation of Inessa (which somehow, members of the audience agree with) for becoming different, and using this power to look after C in a way C explicitly compares to how Inessa used to be C's protectorate.
C's on so much macho bullshit with "How could you protect me like I used to do for you, you don't have a clue how pathetic that makes me feel!" and we're supposed to take that?
Our relationship was built on a symbiotic foundation from the start. I stood up to the bullies for Inessa in a way that made my mom worried and my dad cheer (I tried at least). Inessa shared her family with me. I gave her companionship in her many hobbies and fandoms and I got to copy her love of magical girl anime like Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura and Princess Knight Orion in return. Both of us were a bit depressed and aimless and we took solace in sharing that, even if Inessa learned to fake a smile as she got older and the bullies went away.
"You're a hero you know. My hero," I stifled a groan as I forced myself up and patted her gently on the head. "To think that little girl I had to protect from bullies would grow up to fight monsters."
"I'm glad," she hugged me, practically falling onto the bed, "I've worried that, with so much time doing this and not being able to say anything and that we'd drift apart or stop being friends or…."
"C," her voice was strained. "It hasn't been easy for you and you weren't the one shouting. You can rely on me." She flexed one arm, patting a nonexistent bicep. "I'm a hero, you know? It's what I do! Just say the word and we'll get you out."
That should have been reassuring. She was a hero. She was my hero. And yet, I didn't need to run from my problems, to stay weak and protected and be a burden on everyone around me. No, Inessa couldn't understand that. She'd gotten strong, strong enough to face herself in the mirror, strong enough to look after everyone else too. She didn't need me anymore, didn't really understand what it was like to look at yourself and find nothing worth keeping, nothing at all except the bitter thorny darkness. Avaritia had put it in terms I could understand, for all she was obviously in the wrong. I loved Inessa like a sister, I always would, but…
Inessa never doubted me, never thought she might need to listen, never saw me as something that might not want to be protected the way I'd once offered to protect her. To her, I would always be nice, safe C: a brother, a font of moral support, a victim. She couldn't see the part of me that needed those dreams.
"I don't need protection," I said, and in saying so edged ever so much closer to making it true.
We're supposed to say "Inessa is patronizing for wanting to protect C the only way she's ever been able to besides lending her parents and learning to smile better in all the years they've known each other, when she's only able to futilely offer a shoulder to cry on when it comes to the
real problems C won't ask for anyone's help about"?
I don't think so.
I think we're supposed to ask if C and Avaritia know what they're talking about when they dismiss how thin the line between C becoming a Beast and Inessa becoming a Saint was, because, look, C and Inessa are the main mirrors of the story, it's why
C is
Invidia and
Inessa is
Castitas.
The reason there's a recurring sentiment that Inessa is trying to immaturely force her ideals on C is because C has been getting a more and more distorted image of Inessa as she's been living the life C wishes for, without C actually being able to see why Inessa took that step.
They have the same ideal, because they're the same kind of person, but because they have different ideas of each other's capacity to reach it, Invidia chose to wear Castitas as a halloween costume for a chance at clinging to the unattainable, even if it means giving up everything that (hadn't really) belonged to C, and.
"No, I'm sorry, I'm being awful to you," I sighed, "you don't deserve any of this. You're right, things aren't great, it makes everything," was I going to try to justify myself? Make excuses for my bad behavior instead of just owning what I was doing?
"C, I literally just asked you to vent," Inessa said, shaking her head like I was a lost cause. Then she laughed and tried to hug me. I wanted to recoil, but she'd done nothing to deserve that, so I smiled weakly and pretended like I was in on the joke.
"It's fine C, I come to you with my problems all the time," she added, reassuringly.
Inessa is trying to be like C, the friend who gave her hope as a kid.
It's really the little things on the other side of the fence.
Edit:
Why the fuck did the server shutdown right in the middle of me finishing this.
