Omatsuri Island
Cross-Brain AN: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is our take on one of the most… iconic tales ever created in the main One Piece media. Those of you with weak constitutions may want to skip this chapter.
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Still here? MARVELOUS. We hope you enjoy the SBS Horror Show, and yes, it is exactly as bad as it sounds. Good luck getting to sleep tonight… you'll need it…
"Huh? What the—? Hey, guys!"
"What is it, Luffy?"
"Check it out, I found a bottle in the water, and there's something inside it!"
"Really? Cool! What is it?"
"Here, lemme see! Huh, looks like a map, a letter, and… an Eternal Pose? Wonder how they managed that. Hey, Leo, mind cutting it open?"
SHINK!
"Thanks!"
"Wow, it
is a map, of an island! Weird name though, anyone recognize it?"
"Not me."
"Nope."
"Never heard of it."
"What about the letter that came with it?"
"Here, let me, I'll read it. Alright, let's see. Here's what it says:
If you are a pirate among pirates…
Among pirates…
Among pirates…
Then gather your steadfast crew of companions…
And set sail for our island.
The name of the island is…
OMATSURI ISLAND."
"Wow, this place sounds like fun!"
"Yeah, it does… any opinions on it, Cross?"
"Hmm... I'll be honest, I think I might have? But I can't quite… ah, no, wait a second! Yeah,
now I remember! I saw a poster for—
ah… for, for… for an event! Yeah, an event about the place! Never actually saw it so I've got no clue
what to expect, but the poster itself looked pretty cheery! Flowers everywhere, bright and colorful; probably nothing on the island itself to worry about. In my opinion? I'd say that this could turn out to be the most relaxing vacation of our lives."
"
Well, in all fairness, OMATSURI
DOES MEAN FESTIVAL!"
"It all sounds too good! It's a trap, I know it!"
"Well, now, hold on, let's withhold judgement for a bit, hm? Does that letter say anything else?"
"Ah… yeah, it does, let me read the rest. 'Omatsuri Island is the Grand Line's only pleasure island resort. As its name implies, every day is a festival. You will also enjoy our many spas and beauty salons.'"
"Oooh… it
has been awhile since I've had a nice…
anything in that line of treatment…"
"'Your nightlife will be filled with beauties from around the world and a selection of fine beverages.'"
"Beauties? It must be a wonderful island!"
"'Dinner will be a full course of exquisite cuisines.'"
"Hmph… I suppose my interest is a
little piqued…"
"'Our wildlife preserve features all the amazing sights that nature can provide.'"
"Oh, now that sounds inviting, don't you think, Su?"
"After a Marine Base and a godforsaken prairie? Either I get a nice and wild locale or I get pissy!"
"'Our dojo is home to many retired masters of weapons that are always up for a new challenge.'"
"Hmph! An excellent opportunity! Is not clashing with those who have already learned all that the weapons have to teach them, the better to improve one's own craft… a Man's Romance?"
"GO, BOSS, GO!"
"This sounds perfect!"
"It's a trap, I tell you!"
"Oh, who cares if it's a trap? Worst comes to worst, we kick their teeth in, loot their treasure rooms and come away even
richer! For however much that's worth, anyway, considering all the gold we're hauling!"
"
We'll make room… but no need to assume the worst!"
"And why not? When have things ever
not gone horribly wrong?"
"Ya know, he hath a pwetty good point, thewe…"
"Captain, what do you think?…Luffy?…HEY, LUFFY, ARE YOU LISTENING?!"
"…Read the first part again."
"Huh? Oh, okay…'If you are a pirate among pirates among pirates among pirates, then gather your steadfast crew of companions and set sail for our island.'"
"Alright! I've decided. We head for Omatsuri Island! The reason, of course, is that we're pirates!"
"Tsk, should have seen that coming…"
"Do you really have no commentary, Mis—Cross?"
"Hm? Oh, nah, I've only heard the name of the place in passing, I don't know anything about it. We must have just gotten lucky! Personally, I'm with the captain! I mean, sure, this thing screams honeypot and pirate flytrap out the wailing wazoo, but who the heck cares? We're the Strawhat Pirates! I mean…
.
.
.
What's the worst that could happen?"
-o-
It was as peaceful a day as there ever was in the hidden city of Zou, built on the back of the perpetually wandering titanic elephant Zunisha. The inhabitants, the Mink Tribe, were fearsome warriors, yet kind and gentle to any who they knew as friends. Yet aside from bonds forged long ago, it was rare for them to have more acquaintance with any outside of their wandering island than the occasional Mink that left, to end up either joining another's crew… or face the hellish reality of slavery. 700,000 beri for a Mink. Perhaps that's one reason why they engaged in such isolation, and the race as a whole had little to no contact with the outside world.
Or at least, that
was the case, until…
"
Don don don don!"
"Hold everything! It's time for the SBS!" barked Duke Inuarashi. All of the Minks followed his example, moving towards the well-secured canopy where their seldom-used Transponder Snail dwelled, safe from the salt water of Zunisha's daily baths. An agile rabbit-like Mink moved into the chamber where the snail dwelled, and after removing the receiver, all present quieted to listen.
Indeed, the first day that Zou had heard their Transponder Snail making such a sound, it drew the attention of nearly everyone on the island, whether day-dwelling or night-dwelling; the only ones who had the number of their snail would only call in the event of something bad. 'Bad' in this case meaning something along the lines of being in the middle of a losing war. It brought no small amount of relief and confusion when the Minks instead heard the voice of a pirate that they had never heard of, but the tale spun on that very first broadcast drew feelings of empathy from everyone who heard it, and since then they had never missed a broadcast. The messages it broadcast, whether thrilling, horrifying, comedic, or just flat-out strange, were the first thing in years that could make the two Dukes of the island stay awake and tolerate each other simultaneously.
"
And five, and six, and seven, and eight… hmm-hmm-hmm… alright, that'll do it. Hello, everyone! Jeremiah Cross here, and welcome back to the SBS!"
Silence fell immediately on both ends.
"…
Huh. Hey, Soundbite, not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't you have interrupted me?"
"
Yeah,
I SHOULD'VE…
but this island THREW ME FOR A LOOP."
"
What do you mean?"
"I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO PUT IT, BUT... I DUNNO, something just sounds…
off. GOOD OR BAD, I don't… this place is weird."
"This is troubling…" Duke Nekomamushi murmured as Cross gave the vocal equivalent of a shrug.
"
Well, I guess that's not too unexpected. You see, gentle viewers—and combative ones—we were sailing on our merry way to the next island, when a strange invitation came to us, inviting us to a resort, the name of which we will not reveal presently for the sake of our own safety. Now, of course, we do suspect that it's a trap, but we're confident that we can fight it off if it is. And if not… well, then consider this broadcast an advertisement for the glory of this island."
"What's a resort?" Carrot asked.
"I'll, ah, tell you when you're older, Carrot," Wanda hedged uncomfortably.
"…Wanda?"
"…Yes, Carrot?"
"You don't know what it is either, do you?"
Wanda sighed and slumped forwards. "No…"
Her depression was promptly forgotten in favor of trying to chase down the adolescent Mink the second she started laughing her fluffy cottontail-ed ass off.
-o-
"And here I thought he couldn't get any more annoying, but now he turns himself into a salesman," drawled a man in a feathery pink jacket, staring at the snail.
"Behehehehe! Still, Doffy, if he's right, it could be good for business!" a man clad in a cloak pointed out.
Donquixote Doflamingo grinned. "Good point, Trebol."
"
Buuut, right now we're sort of wondering if it was just a prank. I mean, the advertisement had a lot of flowers on the map, and I'm not seeing a single one of those, let alone any sign of civilization. Which is weird, considering how jungles usually have
flowers in them. Believe me, I've had enough experience to know. Still, it sounds like drumbeats are coming from deeper in the island, so here we are wandering through untamed foliage. Not the most exciting thing in the world, even for us."
"You don't say," Diamante said dryly.
"
I do say, I just did."
All four in the room jumped.
"…
And here's hoping that someone
in the world actually said 'You don't say' in response to that."
Pica facepalmed, Diamante growled, and Trebol and Doflamingo both chuckled.
"OK, that was funny," Doflamingo admitted.
"
Wait a minute… is that—? …WOW."
"
Beauty salons and spas~!" crooned the navigator's voice.
"
Exotic beauties~!" came the chef's voice.
"
Exquisite cuisines~!" cried the doctor's voice.
"
Amazing sights~!" chorused the gunner and her pet.
"
Challenging fights!" called the quintet of guards.
"Wow, they've got everything," Pica squeaked.
"
This is everything we'd hoped for!" several voices said in unison.
"Fuffuffuffuffu… this should be interesting," Doflamingo smirked.
-o-
Drumbeats echoed out of the speakers of the snail, and then came Sanji's voice again. "
Ah, the ladies~!" he sang. "
Come into my arms, my finely selected beauties—WHAT THE HELL?!"
"
Transvestites!"
"
And they have leaves growing out of their heads!"
"Shurororororo! Better luck next time, loverboy!" cackled a horned scientist with a robe that looked to be made of gas. "But leaves sprouting from their heads? That's interesting—"
KERBLOOEY!
His musings came to an abrupt end as he snapped his attention back to his experiment, which had boiled over, burst the vessel it was in, and was now eroding the desk. Caesar initially seemed furious before looking thoughtful. "Hmm… so, doing that gives it more corrosive properties, interesting…"
-o-
"
Alright, so it looks like they weren't falsely advertising, this is definitely
a high-end resort. Yet to be seen if we'll actually get to go inside… ah, this must be the master of the island. You don't see people ride in on elephants very often."
"Yeah, why is that? That'd be cool!" Garp remarked.
"I TOLD YOU TO STOP LISTENING TO… oh, whatever, just pass me the damn crackers…" Sengoku sighed, shaking his head. "Trying to stop you just isn't worth the damn headache."
"…
Aaand it seems like plant decor is the thing here; everyone else has leaves on their head, and this guy has a flower on his shoulder. A… smiling flower, at that. Swear to God, Grand Line gets weirder every day…"
"
The only flower we've seen thus far…" the garbled voice of the Strawhats' mystery crewmate mused.
"
Huh? Oh… well, now that you mention it, I can't see any in the town either…"
"
A local custom to denote rank, maybe?" Vivi proposed.
"
Hm…"
"
Pirates!"
Garp's head snapped up, an uncharacteristically serious frown on his face as he listened to the new voice that had bellowed out. "What the—?"
"
Courageous pirates who traverse the Grand Line!"
"
Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!" came Luffy's excited voice.
Sengoku braced for yet another outburst from Garp for his grandson's antics, and was thus deeply surprised when Garp offered no reaction apart from a steely frown.
"
I congratulate you on making it to - Island! My name is Baron Omatsuri!"
"
Baron Omatsuri?" the Strawhats chorused.
"Why do I get the feeling he's not an
actual baron…" Sengoku started to roll his eyes before blinking in confusion when Garp got up and headed towards the door. "Huh? Where are you going?"
"The Archives…" the Hero of the Marines grumbled out. "Get Coby and Helmeppo down there as well. I need to check something."
-o-
"
Yes! I am your host, the master of this island!"
"
IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!" several of the Strawhats sang.
"This sounds like quite the interesting island re-mi-fa-so~! If the next Reverie goes well, we will have to remember it ti-la-so~!" sang Prince Ryuboshi.
"And maybe even if things don't go well, mambo~!" Prince Manboshi twirled in agreement.
"
You have had a long and perilous journey. Please enjoy your well-deserved rest!"
"
IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!" the Strawhats sang again.
"
Ah, is this normal?" Conis asked in confusion.
"
For us? Yes. For the rest of the Blue Seas…" Cross trailed off in a snicker.
"
You may enjoy yourself to your hearts' content!"
"
IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!"
"
But before you do," Omatsuri continued, his tone making it clear he was no longer smiling. "
You must undertake… the Ordeal of Hell!"
There was a moment of stunned silence before the sound of Cross chuckling came over the line. "
Now this, though? This is just plain typical, both for us, and the world in general!"
"
I'm sorry I asked…"
"Of course it was a trap after all," Prince Fukaboshi grumbled.
"Now, now, son," King Neptune rumbled. "I think it's natural that a resort that invites pirates would require
some form of effort, jamon. Earn your relaxation by passing a test, jamon."
"I… suppose you may have a point, Father," Fukaboshi eventually conceded.
"Besides, la-ti-do~!" Ryuboshi spun contentedly. "They're the Straw Hats! It's not like there's any test in the world that could hamper them fa-mi-re-do~!"
Fukaboshi chuckled and nodded slowly in agreement. "That too is true, yes..."
He then glanced down and away once the attention was off of him, a degree of nervousness entering his expression. '
And yet…' he mused silently. '
Knowing this, why do I still feel uneasy…'
-o-
"
Uh… I have a question!" came the navigator's voice.
"
What is it?" Omatsuri asked.
"
The note said something about spas and beauty salons…"
"
Spas?" Omatsuri repeated, confusion obvious in his voice.
"It would appear that I'm not the only Rip-Off artist in Paradise after all!" Shakky chuckled in amusement.
"Hm? Ah, yes, that's nice, dear…"
"
Beauties from all over the world with a selection of fine beverages…" Sanji said tentatively.
"
Beverages?" Omatsuri parroted, with the same tone of confusion.
"He hasn't heard of
beverages?" Shakky deadpanned.
"I suppose so, dear…"
"
What about the exquisite cuisine?" Chopper posed.
"
There'd better be something
to eat…" Lassoo growled.
"
Exquisite cuisine… exquisite…?"
"Okay, I'm starting to think that this guy is less a Rip-Off and more senile," Shakky flatly stated.
"If you say so, dear."
That was too much for the bartender, and she snapped her attention over to her grievously distracted husband, who was seated at a table in the dining area proper, well away from her and the Transponder Snail. "Alright, I'll bite, what's got you so enraptured? Usually I can't pry you away from an SBS show with anything less than Haki and a crowbar!"
"Hm?" Raleigh blinked in confusion, glancing up from whatever it was he was looking at for the first time since the broadcast began. "Ah, well…"
Deciding that enough was enough, Shakky rose from her barstool, strode over to his side to look over his shoulder, and promptly blinked in confusion. "Your bounty scrapbook?" she questioned, fingering the numerous pages of laminated posters.
Raleigh frowned before nodding in agreement, returning his attention to the numerous faces and identities archived before him. "Yes… something about this baron. I need to confirm, but… call it a feeling."
Shakky glanced between him and the book for a moment before freezing as she noticed a detail she'd overlooked before. "Wait, these pages—!"
"Now you see why I'm so concerned," the Dark King nodded solemnly.
-o-
"
I suppose you haven't heard of retired master combatants or amazing wildlife either," Cross snarked.
"
Master combatants? Look no further than my comrades, young man! And we do have a few examples of interesting wildlife… which you may observe should you pass the Ordeal of Hell!"
"…
I'm not the only one who's underwhelmed, right?" Raphey eventually asked.
"
No," three other voices chorused in agreement.
"
So much for an actual challenge…" Boss groused.
"
Well, at least there's something for me. Sorry, everyone…"
"
There's plenty of Vearth to play on, so personally? I'm not!" Su laughed.
"
Well, if only for dear Conis and Su, I suppose we can stay…" Sanji trailed off.
"
Hey, old man! What's the Ordeal of Hell?" Luffy piped up.
"
The Ordeal of Hell is a test of strength! Countless many have failed to endure the task and fled barefoot from the island!" Omatsuri responded. "
If you do not have absolute trust in your crewmates, you would be well-advised to leave this island."
"Sounds like Nami's in no danger, then," Hachi mused as he pushed around several pieces of octopus on his grill.
"You really think so, Hachi?" Caimie asked as she floated alongside Takoyaki 8.
"If it's a trial of trust? Then of course! No crew is more tightly-knit than the Strawhats!" The octopus fishman hid a wince as his collection of faded scars burned beneath his shirt. "I learned that the hard way…"
"
That sounds great! Don't be stupid, we accept your challenge!"
"
Luffy!" Nami scolded. "
We don't need to do this, there are all sorts of other places we can go for interesting wildlife for Conis! And there's nothing for the rest of us! We have no good reason to participate!"
"
I know we don't have to, but I want to. Besides, whatever it is, you guys can handle it; I trust all of you!" Luffy said cheerfully.
"
Heh.
Just like the DAVY BACK FIGHT. OUR CAPTAIN
is such A SWEET TALKER when HE WANTS TO BE!"
Hachi, Camie, and Pappug couldn't help but smile as one by one, the Straw Hats consented to undergo the challenge together.
"
So, you will all participate, then! Very well! Prepare the Ordeal of Hell!" Omatsuri commanded.
-o-
"
Wh-WHOA! OK, listeners, I'm wondering just how much of a ripoff this is, because the entire freaking landscape
is shifting around into an arena! I can't imagine how much work it was to make the whole island transform on command, but I'll be damned if this loony guy spared any expense!"
"
Now, I will tell you what the Ordeal entails. The Ordeal is…" Omatsuri paused for dramatic effect, which was followed up by the sound of something large and mechanical rising, as well as the unmistakable sound of fireworks, applause, and cheers.
"
That big sign there… 'Kingyo-Sukui'?" Cross read.
"
That means '
Goldfish-Catching'," Soundbite deadpanned.
"
Excuse me for not being able to read romanized Kanji!"
"…What," the Mysterious Four chorused.
"What a rip-off; not even
children would consider that hell!" Hildon complained as he shuffled around and refilled everyone's wine glasses… or mugs, as Absalom preferred.
"Speak for yourself…" Absalom growled as he flexed his fingers, drawing an affronted sputter from Doctor Hogback.
"For the love of—! For the last time, Absalom, if you want fine motor skills then I need to remove some layers of flesh from your hands! Otherwise there's just no room for the appropriate nerve-endings!"
"And give up my biological cestuses?! Dream on, you damn butcher!"
"
Ya know, nowmally I'd considah this tah be a total shoo-in, buuuut…"
"
After the Davy Back Fight, you expect fangs in every gift horse we get?" Cross deadpanned.
"
Eeeeeyup."
"
UH…GUYS?"
"
Aaaaand there's the other shoe. Yes, Soundbite?"
"
I THINK I KNOW THE HELL HE'S REFERRING TO."
"
The rules for goldfish catching are simple! The team that catches the largest goldfish in three minutes wins! By the way," he added, clearly smirking. "
This paper dissolves easily in water."
"Hmph, so there's a trick after all. Still, I don't see how goldfish catching can be hellish if that's the
only trick," Perona remarked.
"
And now, allow me to introduce you to my valued confidant who shall be your opponent! Go forth, Muchigoro!"
The audience erupted in cheers as the sound of someone apparently doing their best impression of Usopp heading into a fight approached.
"
Yo! I'm Muchigoro!" came a voice that once again made the listeners think of Usopp.
"Kishishishishi," Moria chuckled. "Another challenge being hosted by a trickster! I almost feel nostalgic. Always nice to sample the works of a fellow artiste!"
"
What did he say?" Zoro muttered.
"
Mudskipper, I think," Usopp replied.
"
He looks more like an eel to me," Nami remarked.
"
Maybe he's a loach."
"
Flounder, I'm guessing."
"
No, I bet he's just an idiot."
"
That's also a POSSIBILITY!"
"
NO! MY NAME IS MUCHIGORO! Baron Omatsuri's first mate, Muchigoro!"
"Huh. I guess that this battle's going to be really fishy."
"Your sense of humor remains as transparent as you are, Absalom! Fosfosfosfosfos!"
-o-
"Hold on, did he just call himself 'first mate'?" a pretty, violet-haired young woman asked sharply.
"He did, didn't he? So, they're some sort of crew… it doesn't necessarily mean pirates, but it's worth considering," responded her husband, a blonde-haired man with blue eyeshadow.
"Hmm… now that you mention it…"
"Papa?"
"I didn't consider it before, but in the context of piracy… that name, 'Omatsuri'… yes, I do believe that it rings a bell. Bring me my black book, let me see if I have their flag," remarked an obese man, lying on a most unconventional couch.
"Yes, Papa," the two replied immediately.
"
Now, which one of you will compete?"
"
Oh! Here, here, here, here, here! Me, me, me, me, me!" Luffy insisted with all the composure of a child in a sweet shop… or meat shop, as the case may be.
"
Hold on, Luffy," came Usopp's voice, uncharacteristically confident. "
Let me handle that Muchigoro or Sushigoro or whatever his name is."
"
Oh, but weren't you too busy quaking in your boots a second ago?" Cross asked snidely.
"
He got a confidence boost after learning that it was goldfish-catching," Sanji explained in a dry tone.
"Brindo, Campacino, what are you betting on for the Ordeal?" asked a young girl with violet hair, the woman's sister.
"HMM! My wager is that they will win… without using nets!"
"And I say they will win… within the final five seconds!"
"You two know those could happen at the same time, right?" Papa huffed with a sigh.
-o-
"Alright! The Straw Hats'
SUPER sniper is stepping up!" Franky cheered as he struck a pose atop his couch.
"
You'll regret being my opponent, Muchigoro. You'll be facing the man who was known as the Master of Goldfish-Catching… me!"
"
Master?" Chopper asked, awestruck.
"
Master?" Conis asked, curious.
"
Master?" Su repeated wearily.
"
Master?" Muchigoro asked, horrified.
"
Master!" Usopp confirmed proudly.
"Wow, sounds like he really
is a master!" Mozu cheered.
"
Really?" Chopper asked, awestruck.
"
Really?" Conis asked, curious.
"
Really?" Su repeated wearily.
"
Really?" Muchigoro asked, horrified.
"
Yes, really!" Usopp confirmed proudly.
"Is he really…?" Kiwi asked in a much more skeptical tone.
"
Awesome!" Chopper praised.
"
That's awesome!" Conis said sweetly.
"
You're awesome!" Muchigoro said, awestruck.
"
I'm awesome!" Usopp declared.
"He's SUPER! Awesome!" Franky declared, posing.
"Go, Usopp!" Zambai cheered.
"Another victory in the making for the Straw Hats!" Tamagon cheered.
"If he's telling the truth," Kiev muttered.
"
Ah—Say, it's not a lie this time, right?" Chopper asked, worriedly.
"
What? You're lying?" Conis yelped.
"
Of course he's lying," Su deadpanned.
"
Please tell me you're lying!" Muchigoro pleaded.
"There's no way someone as SUPER! as him would lie!" Franky emphatically denied.
"…
I lied," Usopp confirmed smugly.
"SAY WHAT!?" Mozu yelped, the majority of the Franky House facefaulting in shock.
"Then again, Cross
did say awhile back that he has a tendency for tall tales…" Franky mused.
"
Of course…" came the sound of a face-paw.
"
I knew it!" a thoroughly manic voice roared.
"
Shit, he tricked me!" Muchigoro grumbled to himself.
"
See, I knew he was an idiot," Sanji deadpanned.
"
Which one?" Cross asked just as flatly.
"Which one indeed…" Kiwi sighed as she eyed her still-stunned sister.
"
Muchigoro, don't let them build up momentum!" the baron's voice barked
"
Ah, sorry, Baron!" Muchigoro promptly apologized.
"
Hmph!" Omatsuri snorted. "
Now that that foolishness is over and done with, we shall now begin! Ready—"
"
Go!" the Baron was suddenly cut off by a high-pitched and squeaky voice.
Franky blinked at the Transponder Snail in surprise. "Huh? Who the heck was that?"
"…
Soundbite?"
"
Yeah?"
"
Did that flower just talk?"
"…
Yeah."
"A talking flower," Zambai groaned. "After learning that someone like Big Bro Franky existed, I
really didn't think that the Grand Line could possibly get any crazier. Then the SBS shows up and starts talking about a hidden city of octopi and sky islands. But I thought that was as far as the craziness would go, I really,
really did. Looks like I was wrong."
"…
Well, great, now I'm getting Undertale flashbacks."
"
Tell me about it…" Soundbite muttered before adopting a pensive look that was translated to the Transponder Snail. "DO I LOOK
that stupid TOO?"
"
Oh, of course not. You're much worse."
CHOMP!
"
YEOWCH!"
"Did Cross really not expect that to happen?" Kiev deadpanned.
"Honestly?" Mozu chuckled. "Considering how close those two are, I doubt he even cared."
-o-
"
Ergh, slimy little—! Alright, everybody, the contest is underway, and… nobody seems to be doing anything…?"
"
INCOMING!"
A sound of a lot of water being displaced came through from the other end of the call, the Transponder Snail's face betraying his shock and terror.
"Oh, my, what's happening now?" Porche asked with wide-eyed shock.
"At a guess, they're playing the game on a scale only Big Pan would normally be viable for," Silver Fox Foxy deadpanned.
"You think so?"
"Fehfehfeh, it's what I'd do in that position!" Foxy cackled as he stroked his tissue-peppered chin.
Porche raised an eyebrow as she looked over her boss's face. "How's that goatee coming?"
"Pupupu!" Hamburg interrupted with his ill-hidden snickering. "He's been having a hard time maneuvering his razor around his chin, pupupu!"
"NO COMMENTARY FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!" Foxy roared in annoyance.
"
Wh-Wh-What is that?!"
"
That's my pet goldfish, Sweet Rosario."
"HA! Called it!" Foxy crowed smugly, his annoyance forgotten.
"You're brilliant, Boss!"
"Still don't have a goatee though, pupu—!"
"I GET IT, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN, DAMN IT!"
"…
Well, there's the catch, folks; Rosario is about as big as the Going Merry, so—"
"
So, a normal splash from him MAKES more than a few RIPPLES! TO BE EXACT,
INCOMING TIDAL WAVE!"
"
Wha—? SHIT! CARUE, I NEED A LIFT!"
"
What? What's the wowwy? Goldfish don't live in salt watah," the duck squawked.
"
THAT'S NOT A GOLDFISH, THAT'S A GOLDFISH-SHAPED SEAKING!
NOW GIVE ME A DAMN LIFT BEFORE—!" SPLOOSH! "
ACKPFT! Agh, now that's just perf—! Nonono, wait, Soundbite, don't—!"
"
HURK!"
"…
aaaaand that's gonna stain. Fucking perfect."
"
Ha! You see that? Their stomachs and wills are as weak as rice paper! Laugh at them, Muchigoro! They are nothing but feeble cowards!" Omatsuri cackled.
"
HAHAHA! Indeed, my Baron! After all, sweet Rosario is a good boy who would never do anything bad!" Muchigoro insisted.
"My
slimy—
cough—
ASS HE WOULDN'T!" Soundbite coughed.
"
And HOW exactly are we supposed to catch THAT?!" Vivi demanded.
"
Use the bucket, of course," Omatsuri said smugly.
"
What buck—?"
There was another loud splash of water.
"…
never mind."
"
OK, viewers, so it appears that the Baron did
give us both buckets big enough for Rosario to fit in, but the question remains: how are we supposed to get that giant helping of sushi to go in the bucket in the first place?" Cross wondered.
"Something tells me that their sniper won't be quite so eager anymore…" Porche mused.
"
Nami, I'm passing to you. A-After all, the Eisen Dial should be enough for this, right?" Usopp asked timidly.
"Called it."
"
Wait, what? USOPP!… Oh, fine, I'll do it if I have to."
Something came across the line that could only be described as something metallic coughing, followed by the unmistakable sound of a fist striking a skull.
"OW!
WHAT THE HELL, WITCH!?"
"
I TOLD YOU HOW TO FIX THE PRESSURE CHAMBER ALREADY, WHAT PART DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
"
THE PART WHERE YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND TIME TO DO IT WHEN I'M JUGGLING THREE OTHER PROJECTS!"
"
You son of a—! We will have words
later, I promise you. For now, though… Zoro, I'm passing to you."
"
Wha—Me?! Ugh, fine." There was the sound of a sword sliding out of its sheath.
"
Hold up, Mosshead! If you tried to go it alone, you'd be swallowed whole!"
"
Like hell, shit cook! I'll fillet this thing in ten seconds—!"
"
NO SWORDS IN GOLDFISH CATCHING!" Omatsuri yelled.
"
WHAT?" Zoro roared back.
"
See? Davy Back Fight all over again, now you're doubly useless!"
"
JUST SHUT UP AND HIT THE DAMN FISH YOU IDIOTS!" Nami roared.
"
Right away, Nami-swan!"/"Don't need to tell me twice, witch."
There was the sudden meaty THWACK of leather striking flesh, followed by a roar of bestial pain.
"
Alright, so Sanji and Zoro seem to be juggling Rosario in the air right now… and once again Zoro has demonstrated how much damage he can cause with just his freaking sheath,
eesh. Ah, and here comes Luffy, trying to use the net that we're supposed to use, which is about as big as Soundbite. He's stretching out… Omatsuri and Muchigoro appear to be reacting to seeing his Devil Fruit powers, so I take it that they really don't
listen to the SBS… aaand the net broke. HEY, BARON! How are we supposed to catch anything
with this net, let alone that giant goldfish?"
"
You're not. Muchigoro, show them!"
"
You have to catch Sweet Rosario with THIS!"
"
Ugh, should have seen this coming; mudskipper-face just pulled a net over ten times his size from out of… somewhere
. Sanji was right, it's the Davy Back Fight all over again, only I'm starting to think that Foxy was more
pleasant!"
"Hey!" Porche yelped in an affronted tone.
"We're not publicly allies, remember?" Foxy informed the 'brains' of his first mates.
"…I knew that."
"Pupupu! She forgot, pupu—!"
"CRAM IT UP YOUR LONG-JOHNS, BUNS-FOR-BRAINS!"
"Not so fun being on the other end, is it, now?"
"Grrgrgrrrgh…"
"
Anyway… HEY, BARON! Why the hell does he get the bigger net while we just get these pathetic things?"
"
Hmmm?" the Baron hummed curiously. "
I don't remember saying you had
to use that net; I only said that the paper dissolves easily in water. Well? Do you remember?"
"Wow. Even
I'm not that bad," Foxy remarked in equal parts awe and disgust.
-o-
The two humanoid residents of Little Garden had ensured that the Baroque Works agents left their snail behind when they left, and had not missed a single SBS broadcast despite their fights. One such duel was going on right now, but as was often the case, the content of the broadcast made them both pause to pay more attention.
In this case, their reasons were different; the Red Ogre was shaking his head in disgust while the Blue Ogre had his forehead scrunched up and his eyes squinting as though he were thinking hard about something.
"Disgraceful, simply disgraceful," Broggy huffed grimly, head bowed in dismay. "As if that farce of a Backfight weren't bad enough, now we have fools such as this baron refusing to meet his opponents in honorable combat! It's abominable! It's grievous!" He crashed his fist on the ground with a snarl. "AND WORST OF ALL, IT'S DISAPPOINTING!"
"Mmhmm, yes, you're right…" Dorry muttered noncommittally, arms crossed and a scowl marring his face as he head bowed his head in thought.
"
Alright, you wanna rules-lawyer? Let's rules-lawyer," Cross decided. "
You said no swords? Fine, no swords. Conis, blast that thing."
"
Roger-roger. Huh? That wasn't me…"
"…
Soundbite? We need to talk about your situational timing."
"
Heheheheh!"
"
One minute left! You have one minute left!" came the voice of the Baron's flower. Dorry's scowl deepened at the voice, and he started muttering under his breath
"
If I may, Cross, I believe I have an easier solution."
"
The fish is falling straight towards Muchigoro's net! What the heck do you—OH. OK, hold off on that, Conis… and Muchigoro tosses it straight towards his bucket… aaand thanks to a clever usage of Devil Fruit powers, Rosario bounces straight out of the bucket and is now FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS US DAMMIT XXX!"
"
My apologies, Cross, I haven't had much experience with that kind of technique in the past."
"
COLD FUCKING COMFORT WHEN WE'RE ABOUT TO BE CRUSHED!"
"
I GOT IT, I GOT IT!"
The pitter-patter of feet running came a moment later, followed by a loud
FWUMP! And then more incredulous roars from the crowd. And in the middle of it all, Dorry was still grumbling to himself about something he'd forgotten. Broggy eyed him curiously, but ultimately shrugged it off.
"
Whoa-hoh, nice one! And a dramatic move from Chopper has redirected Rosario aaaand HE'S IN!
THE AQUATIC BASTARD IS IN OUR BUCKET!"
"
Five, four, three, two, one! Game over! Game over! The Straw Hats win!" the flower cheered, causing Dorry to actively bite his thumb.
"
Damn straight, you Proto-Flowey piss-ant!"
"HAHA!" Broggy barked joyously. "A most righteous and honorable victory! Nothing but the best from the Straw Hats!" He then tilted his head to the side. "Though I find Cross's choice of insults… somewhat questionable, at best."
"
NICE PLAY, Chopper! … Chopper? HE'S ABOUT to fall IN THE
WATER!"
"
I'll get him… aaand there goes Luffy, too. Eesh, sometimes this job… Boys?" Boss called out tiredly.
"
On it, Boss!" a quartet of voices chorused.
"Ugh, damn it, damn it, damn it…" Dorry grumbled, knocking his fist against his forehead.
"Ergh," Broggy rolled his eyes with a sigh. "What on Elbaf's blessed soil is crawling through your head now, Dorry?"
"That's just the problem!" The Blue Ogre flung his hands up in frustration. "There's something about that flower of the Baron's that is stirring memories in my head, but for the life of me they refuse to take form! It's like trying to catch the fog with your bare hands!" He promptly jabbed a finger at Broggy with a glare. "And don't mention the cotton-candy fog we encountered in the New World, because that doesn't count!"
Broggy coughed into his fist and looked away sheepishly. "Wouldn't ever dream of it…" He then gave Dorry a concerned look. "Still, any way that I can help?"
"That'd require me having somewhere to
start in the first place!" Dorry shook his head morosely. He then clenched his eyes shut as he started pounding his fists against his temples. "Come on already, get out, get
out—!"
It would be the last time he made the mistake of letting his guard down like that, as Broggy took the opportunity to sucker-punch him. With a boulder.
"AGH!" the Blue Ogre grunted in pain, rubbing the area of impact. Then his eyes snapped open and he punched the air with a joyous cackle.
"NOW I REMEMBER! A small, smiling, talking flower perched on someone's shoulder and surrounded by a mass of people with plant sprouts on their heads! It's straight from the the tale of Ivad's Trials against Tailog the Treasonous!"
"Congratulations, comrade!" Broggy crowed as he clapped his hand on his old friend's shoulder… and promptly shared a look of horror with him.
"
THE STRAW HATS ARE WHERE?!"
Any onlookers to Little Garden would see a large flock of pterodactyls flying out of the trees in response to the two giants' bellowing.
-o-
The next few minutes were purely the Straw Hats celebrating and chastising the Hammers on their crew, with the Baron and his first mate—and pretty much the entire native audience as well—brooding in the background. It all came to an abrupt end when the Baron spoke up again.
"
WAIT! This contest is not yet finished! You must now undertake the next ordeal! How dare you make my Muchigoro cry!"
"
Hey, come on, Baron. He lost fair and square."
"
Yes, there's no need to be so—"
"
SILENCE! The matter is settled! You will do as I say!"
"Am I the only one who's absolutely
relishing the irony of the Straw Hats meeting two groups of pirates who play rigged games in a row after what they did here?" Drake asked with a grim smile.
"No, Drake, you most certainly are not," Jonathan muttered in reply, not taking his eyes off the snail. "Though the Straw Hats are certainly putting up as much of a fight as we could expect, I can't deny that I'm hoping to see some proof against Cross' claim."
In truth, he had been considering Cross' offer alongside Jessica over the last few weeks, but Straw Hat's display against the Foxy Pirates, his unconquerable will, had significantly weighted his opinion; if Straw Hat had that kind of will and Cross, for all his rabble-rousing, had him as a superior and took pride in bowing to him, it may well be that they would reach their goal, and that would leave no doubt that choosing their side would be the safer choice in order to survive the inevitable tidal wave that would accompany the feat.
He nodded to himself; he had considered it long enough. If Straw Hat showed another example of will like he had during the Davy Back Fight, he would accept Cross' bargain. But it was yet to be seen if this strange Baron would actually be capable of driving him to it.
"
OK, am I the only one who thinks this guy's taking the whole 'sore loser' thing a little too far?" Su muttered acridly. "
Seriously, he's whining more than Conis when—MMPH!"
"
Stop. Using. My childhood. As material!" Conis demanded furiously.
"
MMPH, PTOOIE! What do you mean 'your childhood'!? I grew up with you!"
"
Then use some of your own stories!"
"
Ironically enough, I'm nowhere near as interesting as you."
[I didn't have long to get to know Su, but for any fox, this seems to be par for the course,] Isaiah squawked in a deep and cool tone.
[WHAT HE SAID!] Terry contributed, earning a quelling look from Jonathan; the Vice Admiral may not have been able to understand him except through the very silent written word, but that didn't make his POWERFUL! voice any quieter.
"
Another ordeal? Sounds like fun!" Luffy said.
"It appears that Luffy shares Cross' definition of that particular word," Jonathan remarked. "It's going to get them into trouble someday."
"
Oh, joy, LUFFY'S ON BOARD already," Soundbite drawled, before the snail snapped to attention, glancing in another direction.
"
What's wrong, Soundbite?" Cross asked.
"
We're being watched."
"Maybe 'today' rather than 'someday', sir," Drake added.
-o-
"
Who is it?"
"Older man…
sounds… hopeful? THAT'S ALL I GOT."
"
Hopeful? What's he saying?"
"
Nothing, but I've HEARD THIS
breath and HEARTBEAT pattern from Vivi AND Conis in the past. HE'S TRAPPED and HE'S JUST SEEN a ray of light."
The Transponder Snail's expression became pointedly blank. "…
Yeah, that would be just typical, wouldn't it?"
The fighter's quarters under Dressrosa's famed Corrida Colosseum were alive with activity as the gladiators, crowded around the old and rather wheezy Transponder Snail someone had dug out of storage, exchanged bets and what little money they had with Rebecca. After all, not only did she not gamble—and certainly not for lack of trying on her comrades' parts—she was one of the only ones who could handle the numbers and even estimate the odds.
"฿100 says that Straw Hat clears the next Ordeal!"
"฿200 on someone else clearing it instead!"
"฿500 on Nami snapping and burning the whole island down! I'm feeling lucky."
"Oh, going for the long shot," Rebecca remarked, taking the money and marking down all the bets.
"
Hmm… alright, we'll see if anything comes of that. For now… this is just between us, right?"
"YEAH?"
"
Good, let's keep it that way, I don't want to set Nami off without reason."
Rebecca smiled apologetically as a chorus of groans, laughs and jeers rang out through the cages, one of the gladiators snapping out the whip he was carrying.
"
Anyways, viewers, it would seem that Nami is exercising her authority as second mate. Back to the Merry we go, apparently… uh, Boss, are you coming?"
"
Eh… go on ahead, Cross," Boss called back. "
I saw something in the water that I want to check on with the boys. We'll catch up with you when we get through here, shouldn't take too long, a few minutes at most."
"
You heard him, Cross, let's get out of here!" Nami snapped.
"
Alright, alright… uh, Zoro, any chance of vetoing her?" Cross asked.
"
If that's any example of the so-called 'Ordeals of Hell,' then no, I'd rather get back to the ship," Zoro replied dryly.
"฿1000 says that they don't leave yet!"
Rebecca snapped her hand away from the crumpled bill with a smile. "I'm sorry, this bank does not accept sucker's bets."
Her smile widened as she enjoyed the bout of laughter the comment elicited. Every ray of light was needed in this dreary pit, and she was truly grateful towards the Strawhats for bringing any measure of merriment to the cages of Corrida Colosseum, however brief they might have been.
With any luck, they would continue to do so for a long time to come.
-o-
"
Well, loyal viewers, it seems that we're right back to stumbling through the woods, and for what must be the first time ever, Nami's navigational skills aren't serving us very well."
"What!? Big Sis Nami getting lost in any way, shape or form? Something's gotta be seriously wrong, because I'd sooner believe that Sea Kings can fly!" Johnny breathed incredulously.
"Personally, I'm more worried about how Big Sis is gonna react to a statement like that!" Yosaku joked.
THWACK!
"
OUCH!"
"
I don't see you doing any better, jackass!"
"Called it!"
"
And besides, you have no right to be snide! Shouldn't Soundbite be able to point us in the right direction?"
"…
Huh. Now that you mention it…"
"
I… THINK the sea
is that way? DON'T QUOTE ME, THOUGH."
"Well, that's a lot less confident than usual," Yosaku noted.
"Yeah, usually that snail'd be practically boasting his prowess to the heavens," Johnny frowned as he nodded in agreement. "Now he just sounds confused? What's up with that?"
"Something he ate, maybe?"
"Eh, maybe…" Johnny shrugged, though he was clearly unconvinced.
"
ARGH!" Nami's outraged scream indicated that she hadn't noticed anything off-color about her comrade. "
This map is useless! I swear, it seems like the island is changing on us!"
"
W-Wait a minute… do you think that maybe it actually is?
I mean, after the way that arena showed up…" Vivi trailed off.
"…
Yeeeaaaah, THAT'D EXPLAIN
A LOT."
"…You don't
really think that islands can change on the fly, do you?" Johnny asked his partner uneasily.
A pregnant pause, followed by Nami's screech of vicious rage.
"Looks like Big Sis Nami sure thinks they can," Yosaku divined, a large drop of sweat running down the back of his head.
"BARON!
IF YOU'RE WATCHING US, GET THE HELL OUT HERE!"
"
I'm right over here," came a distant voice. There was a sound of many footfalls and shifting vegetation, and then—
"
I've been expecting you!" came the Baron's jovial voice.
"
STOP SCREWING WITH US AND LET US LEAVE!"
"
Why? You've only just come here, and the Ordeals have just begun! All you need to do is pass them, and you'll have all of the rest that you need. In fact, only four of you need to participate in this Ordeal; the rest of you are free to enjoy the island's hospitalities."
The sound of grumbling filtered through the speaker. "
And how many more ordeals are there after this?"
"
You will be finished by the end of the day," Omatsuri said smoothly.
"…
Fine, we'll play your game."
"
WOO-HOO!" Luffy cheered.
"Looks like Big Bro Luffy gets his way after all," Johnny chuckled.
"Yep! And all 'cause he got lost again," Yosaku nodded sagely before clapping his hands together. "Well, anyway, as fun as listening to Big Bro Zoro's adventures is, we really should get moving. Come on, this way!" He started walking down a fork in the road.
"Wha—HEY, WAIT A SECOND!" Johnny leapt off the rock he was sitting on as he stared after his friend. "Where the hell do you think you're going, Yosaku!?"
"Uh, to the next town?" Yosaku intoned slowly, staring at his partner as though he were an idiot. "It's this way, c'mon!"
"The hell it is! The next town is
this way!" Johnny snapped, jabbing his finger down a different fork in the road.
"Are you out of your mind!? That's not even close to the right way! It's this way!"
"No, it's this way!"
"No, it's
this way!"
-o-
"
The Ordeal of Hell, Part 2," Omatsuri sneered. "
Ladies and gentlemen, the next ordeal will be…"
"
Will be?" the Straw Hats asked.
The sound of fabric moving, like curtains being pulled back, came across the speakers.
"…
What does that say? 'Quoits'?"
"
That's French. It means 'ring toss'," came the mystery crewmate's voice.
"
Ring toss?" chorused many Straw Hats.
"
I know French and I
didn't know that," Cross deadpanned.
"The brat knows French? Wouldn't have expected that! Nope! Not a bit!" Miss Merry Christmas snorted, sweeping the decks of the Spiders Café. "Wouldn't have expected Goldenweek, 5, and Valentine to leave us, either! I wanted to spend my golden years in quiet retirement, not keeping this rundown place spic and spotless!"
"If I've said it once, Miss Merry Christmas, I've said it a hundred times: you can leave if you want to, I'll just hire more capable employees," Paula, the former Miss Doublefinger, said dismissively as she wiped down the mug she was holding. "But I wonder how much more opportunity you'd have to show off that dress to everyone if you do."
The mole-woman spun around to glower at Paula, her white princess dress spinning along with her. She glanced down at the hem with a shaky scowl before sighing angrily and getting back to sweeping. "Damn you."
"And
that's why I was Mr. 1's partner, and not
you," Paula grinned cheekily.
Meanwhile, Baron Omatsuri started to explain the rules of the game. "
Each team has two boats with two people aboard each boat. The first team to ensnare all of their opponents in rings wins!"
"
Ah, something that actually sounds like a challenging game. Maybe we won't—"
"
SHUT UP, Cross," Soundbite advised.
"
Thank you, Soundbite."
"
HEY!… Alright, fair enough."
"
Still, it doesn't sound like anything more combative than the last one. Count me out, I'm gonna go take a nap," groused Lassoo's voice.
"Ohhhhhhh—"
"
Now, let me introduce my confidants, the Four Wise Men! The leader, Kerojii!"
"—heeeeeeeeeey—" Mr. 4 continued, amidst the applause from the Baron's audience.
"
The main striker, Keroshot!"
"—iiiiiiiiiiiit's—"
"
The repairman extraordinaire, Kerodeek!"
"—Laaaaaaaaaaaassoooooooooooo."
"
And the youngest and only female, Keroko!"
"Why can't you try being a little faster, you moron? You showed that you could be as fast as you wanted back in those dungeons," Christmas grumbled as the applause finished.
"Iiiiiiiit maaaaaaaaakes myyyyyyyyyy heeeeeaaaaaaaad huuuuuuuurt…" 4 shrugged indifferently.
"
Well, while one shouldn't judge capabilities based on appearances, I have to wonder how capable these guys are; not only are they no bigger than my head—"
"
PHRASING!" Soundbite chortled.
"…
No bigger than a normal person's
head," Cross growled, eliciting snickers from the ex-Baroque Works agents. "
They all appear to be elderly. On the other hand, when has something as trivial as age slowed down anyone's capabilities? I remember meeting a nice young lady on our journey who was 139, and she was scarily proficient in fighting." He paused. "
You know what, strike that. She was just flat-out SCARY,
period. And I'm very, very glad that she's several hundred miles away right now…"
He trailed off, and a few seconds later the snail frowned. "
That's weird, I was expecting her to call to chew me out. Lord knows it's happened before…"
"Heh, too bad, I would have paid big money to see the brat get taken down a peg or two!" Merry Christmas chortled.
-o-
Meanwhile, in the castle that was once the seat of the now-defunct Drum Kingdom, President Dalton of the Cherry Blossom Kingdom took a second to gather his courage before poking his head into the good (HA!) doctor's office. "Doctor Kureha—?"
TH-TH-THUNK!
"BEAT IT, BRAT, I'M BUSY!" Kureha snarled viciously.
Dalton took a second to count his lucky stars that she'd decided to aim her scalpels a little to the left before entering. "I was just listening to the SBS on my Baby Snail and was wondering why you didn't call in? It just seemed like the kind of thing you'd respond to, is all—?"
"WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO DO, YOU OX-BRAINED BUFFOON!?" the elderly doctor roared, marching up to him and holding her
very panicked Transponder Snail up to the president's face by its eyestalks. "THE DAMN CALL ISN'T GOING THROUGH!"
Dalton blinked in confusion. "W-Wait, what?"
Doctor Kureha roared in frustration as she spun around and flung the snail at her desk, where it thankfully landed upright, albeit with its eyes spinning. "Of course I tried to call that cocky brat! I wanted to give him a piece of my damn mind and make him sweat!" She stalked up to the still-dizzied Transponder Snail and snatched up its mic before jabbing in a number. "But all I'm getting is THIS!"
The second she finished entering the number, the snail's eyestalks snapped to attention and it grit its teeth as it let out a staticky-ticking noise.
Dalton stared at the snail in confusion, too busy trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing to pay more than passing attention to the trash talk that the 'Four Wise Men' were inflicting on the Straw Hats. "What—? Can it not connect for some reason? I've never heard of this happening before."
"And neither have I!" Kureha flung her hands up in frustration, marching back and forth like a caged tiger. "I can't understand it! We're receiving his signal crystal clear, but
something is blocking us from contacting
him! If he had found a way to make it so I
couldn't call in, he wouldn't have acted confused, he would have sang it to the angels and demons and gloated over it for all the world to hear! And besides, he'd never block me from calling, not when—ugh…anyway—"
"You're just worried about Chopper, aren't you?"
Kureha hesitated for a second—
a scant second—before scoffing and waving him off. "Psh, as if! They can cook him up in sherry and serve him with an apple in his mouth for all I care! No, I'm agitated because I don't know why the call is getting through,
and I don't like not knowing things! Ooooh, but I'm going to find out, alright, I'm going to find out!"
The Transponder Snail cut the failed call with a sigh of relief only to shriek silently in terror and leave a not-inconsiderable
stain on Kureha's desk when she slammed her hands around it and loomed menacingly over the poor gastropod.
"
One way or another!"
-o-
"
Alright, everyone, for your entertainment, I'll be spectating the ordeal and reporting what happens," Cross announced following the end of a brief pause in the transmission. "
While most of the crew is going out and about in order to actually enjoy everything the resort has to offer, it looks like the teams of Usopp and Nami, and Zoro and Sanji will be taking on Omatsuri's Four Wise Men."
Iceburg cocked an eyebrow with an uncertain look. "Is… that really the best of moves?"
"Eh." Paulie waved his hand dismissively as he accepted a tray of drinks from Blueno and started passing them out to his colleagues. "Who knows, there's probably some story or other behind it. You know how the Strawhats are: insane to a fault."
"
If anyone else is wondering why they think this arrangement is a good idea, you're not alone," Cross deadpanned. "
Believe me, I tried
to build a better team, but we're still having a hard time pinning down where the Dugongs are, the Wise Men managed to provoke Nami into volunteering, Sanji insisted after that and it was all downhill from there."
"Called it."
"Still though, you'd think they'd take things more seriously, given that they're dealing with an 'Ordeal of Hell'," Peeply Lulu mused as he stroked the extra spike of hair coming out of the side of his mustache.
"CONSIDERING HOW THE STRAWHATS WON THE FIRST ONE, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE!" Tilestone roared.
"
I mean, sure, it's not all bad, we've got two of our heavy-hitters on the field and they're unstoppable when they work together, but there needs to be something serious on the line for them to be able
to work together. Sanji doesn't care much save for helping Nami and Zoro doesn't give a damn either way… Seriously, how
did this happen?!"
"
An enigma most worthy, CROSS,
but I've got a better question: WHERE THE HELL DID THIS
CITY COME FROM?!"
"Oh? A city?" Blueno wondered.
"
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard the snail right: A city, sprung from absolutely nowhere as if risen from the ground itself. I can only imagine that Baron Omatsuri has turned this entire island
into a machine under his control, because I can't fathom any other way that Nami could get lost on the way out of the jungle or
how the hell he could have a racecourse inspired by the island metropolis known as Water 7." He paused. "
On that note, while I have it in mind, a big salute to the Galley-La Company, home to the finest shipwrights in the world!"
"Well, that's nice of him," Kaku remarked. "It's an accepted fact, true, but it's not often you hear so openly."
"Indeed," Iceburg agreed, frowning thoughtfully. "But what sort of expertise must this Omatsuri have to perform that kind of conversion? And for what purpose?"
"Perhaps he makes a mint off of swindling pirate crews in a manner similar to that Foxy fellow the Strawhats recently ran into," Lulu proposed as he absentmindedly pushed the spike in the hair over his lip into submission… causing it to protrude from his eyebrows.
"
Still, as fantastic as this undertaking must have been, I have to say, it's kind of unbelievable how
he did it! I mean, eesh, this place is packed!
There's gotta be hundreds of people here!"
"
Actually, CROSS, that's something ELSE weird that I've NOTICED. BESIDES that one guy from EARLIER, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
anyone else besides the staff AT THIS so-called—"
"
Hey, whatcha up to 'pu?"
"
GAH! Who the—?" Cross yelped in shock before blinking in surprise. "
Wow, I'm surprised. I've just met a real life kappa."
"
Gappa! My name is DJ Gappa '
pu! Sheesh, every single time 'pu…"
"
Uh, sorry, the shell and… plate that you're wearing… kind of threw me off. I take it that you're one of Baron Omatsuri's comrades, then?"
"
Yes. I'm the Chief Gunner and Sniper 'pu. But I also join Muchigoro in being the MC of parties 'pu. Anyway, what are you doing talking to yourself?"
"Huh, so another front-man like Cross, then?" Kaku questioned. "I guess they're going to have a lot to talk about."
With the rest of the Galley-La Corporation paying their full attention to the snail, only Rob Lucci noticed Kalifa quietly slipping out of the room. Noticing his stare, she mouthed 'making calls' before closing the door behind her.
-o-
"Mama, what's a kappa?"
"Ah… I'll tell you later, Rika," the girl's mother surreptitiously coughed into her fist in order to hide her smile. "For now, just know that I think that Cross made a somewhat unkind joke based off of that young man's choice of attire."
"
Why am I… ah. Going by how you all have been acting thus far, I take it that you don't have any Transponder Snails on this island?" Cross asked.
"
Nope. There aren't many animals on the island to begin with 'pu."
"
Yeah, I actually noticed that. NOT EVEN ANY BUGS. WHAT'S UP WITH THA—?"
"
So, are you crazy or somethin' 'pu?" Gappa interrupted without missing a beat.
"
WHAT!?" Cross squawked in shock.
"
Are you nutso and talkin' to the voices in your head 'pu? Cause if you are, that's cool, 'cause sometimes the Wise Men—!"
"
I am NOT nuts!… Or at least, not that kind of nuts," Cross revised. "
I'm doing a radio show; I'm using this transceiver here to broadcast what I'm saying to every other Transponder Snail in the world. The current view count is…" A few metallic clicks came over the connection, and then the snail grinned. "
Our highest yet, coming just shy of ten million snails! Hot damn, this has gotta be our most popular show yet! Screw cutting this off anytime soon, we're going on a day-long marathon!"
"My, my, it looks like I may be keeping the doors open late tonight," Ririka chuckled.
"And I get to stay up late, too?" Rika asked hopefully.
"Yes, but you'll still need to do your homework while listening."
"Awwww!"
"What do you have to complain about, Rika?" one of the Marines in the bar scoffed incredulously. "All you have to do is some math problems, we Marines are the ones suffering here!"
"Captain Ripper gives us all double-duty for listening to the
normal broadcast. I can only imagine what he'll do now that it's going to be going on for hours…" another soldier lamented.
Gappa, meanwhile, was far more energetic. "
Wow, seriously!? You mean that the whole world can hear what we're saying right now 'pu!?"
"
Absolutely! Here, got anything you wanna say?"
"
Hm… I dunno 'pu, it's hard to—!" Gappa's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted expression became curiously neutral.
"Hm?" Ririka blinked in surprise before waving her hand in front of the snail's face. "Do you think it's broken or—?"
"
Actually!"
"EEP!" the bartender jerked back in shock. Without any warning whatsoever, the snail had adopted a very…
twisted demeanor. The smile it was sporting was just a little too wide, its eyes were a little too bright, and the way it was giggling slightly was just—! In essence, it looked like the speaker was the resident of an insane asylum… or worse, an insane asylum resident's idea of what a normal smile was like.
"
I know what I wanna say!" the snail chirped in a voice that sounded right and yet managed to set off
all the alarm bells in the heads of the viewers. Perhaps it was that faint hint of artificiality audible even through the snail's speakers. "
To the people of the world! I'd like to invite as many of you as possible to come down to our island! Once you get here, you may enjoy yourselves to your heart's content! Then, when we're done having fun, you can all take part in a big, delicious feast." The smile widened significantly, to the point where it just didn't seem humanly
possible. "
Doesn't that sound like fun?"
And then, without any warning, the snail returned to the same dopey expression it'd used before. "
How was that 'pu?"
"
Impressive!" Cross complimented with a grin. "
I bet you'll be seeing plenty more visitors real soon!"
The patrons of the bar gaped at the snail in utter horror.
"What the hell was
that?" one of the Marines sputtered numbly.
Ririka swallowed heavily before casting a glance at her daughter. "R-Rika—"
"Uh… I-I think I'm gonna finish my homework in my room…" was all the sheet-white and trembling girl was able to get out before grabbing her books and running up the stairs as fast as she could.
"
Hey, hold on a sec," Soundbite piped up curiously. "
Did your voice just CHANGE OR—?"
"
Hey, what the hell!?" Cross suddenly demanded. "
Our viewership just nosedived by several hundred thousand! Come on, I unwittingly broadcast my own torture and get more viewers than ever before, but one little advertisement and people go running for the hills!"
"Gee, I wonder why," one of the bar patrons muttered under his breath as he started chugging his mug, an action that was repeated throughout the bar.
-o-
"What the hell is wrong with that daft bastard!?" Helmeppo demanded as he sifted through the filing cabinet he'd been assigned. "I know he's clinically insane, that's a given considering his hobby, but why the hell wasn't he affected by that horrorshow we just saw?!"
"I'm with you there, Helmeppo…" Coby nodded absently as he searched through his own cabinet. "I know that I'd be freaking out if someone acted that way in front of me."
"The most likely reason he isn't reacting is that he doesn't even realize that what just happened was supposed to be reacted to to begin with…"
The rookie Marines exchanged confused glances before looking over at the desk where their commanding officer was poring over paper after paper. "Sir?" they chorused in confusion.
Garp snorted darkly as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Transponder Snails only show the face of the speaker. And going by how that kid reacted… I think that chances are what Cross saw and what the world saw are entirely different."
Coby swallowed heavily as sweat started to build on his brow. "W-What are you trying to say, sir?"
Garp slammed the papers he was holding onto the table with a growl and pinned his student with a glare. "I'm saying that you need to find those damn reports on the double! NOW, DAMN IT!"
"YES, SIR!" Coby and Helmeppo saluted fearfully, redoubling their speed in combing through the archives.
"
Still, though, if that many people stayed on, you must have an impressive reputation 'pu." Gappa spoke up, his voice filled with awe.
"
I'd like to imagine so, yes," Cross nodded with a smile. "
It's hard to really say, seeing as we only get callers once in awhile and we haven't yet reached a big city that's heard of us, but with any luck we'll get a good reaction once we get there. For now though, the numbers speak for themselves. And a good thing too, considering the topics I speak about."
"Only because Sengoku hasn't ordered someone who's guaranteed not to fail to pursue the Straw Hats yet," growled a furious voice. Coby and Helmeppo froze and Garp spared the newcomer in the archives a glance.
"What are you doing here, mutt?" Garp asked nonchalantly.
"The tower wasn't shaking from your usual laughter during the pirate's show, and Sengoku said you were here when I came to see if he'd actually managed to silence you this time," Akainu replied emotionlessly.
"
What do you mean 'pu?"
"
Well, I put out a lot of material that could be called controversial, but really, it's just me exposing secrets that corrupt people would rather I not say. I'm spreading the truth, and showing a lot of the world what goes on that they don't see," Cross explained. "
It's my hope that I'm managing to make a positive difference in the world, you know?"
"
Wow 'pu. You must be really, really important 'pu!"
"
Eh? Well, sure, I mean I hope so but—!"
"
No, really 'pu!" Gappa repeated firmly. "
After all, you stand up to the World Government every day, not caring about your life in the least, all for the sake of others 'pu? That's awesome! It's like you're… you're a superhero 'pu!"
The admiral grimaced as the guest on the other end continued heaping on praise. "I'm curious against my will as to why you're spending your time digging through old records."
Garp cleared away the papers from his desk with an angry wave of his hand and stood up. "Because that Baron Omatsuri's name and voice both sound vaguely familiar to me."
Akainu stared flatly at his lower-ranked superior. "Is this another one of your jokes?"
"USE YOUR HEAD, MUTT!" Garp roared as he slammed his fist onto the desk, causing Coby and Helmeppo to fumble the papers they held. "HIS VOICE IS
VAGUELY FAMILIAR TO
ME! WHICH MEANS THAT I RECOGNIZE IT FROM MY GLORY DAYS!
MY GLORY DAYS! DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING HERE, DO YOU
COMPREHEND THE SCALE!?"
Coby and Helmeppo would never forget that moment, as it was the first time that they ever saw the fearsome Admiral Akainu come to a realization of something panic-worthy.
"…I'll lend you a hand, then," the admiral said quietly.
Garp snorted darkly before returning to his papers. "Glad to hear it. Now grab a cabinet and find anything you can on that bastard Omatsuri, double-time."
Coby and Helmeppo shivered as they watched one of the three greatest soldiers in the world acquiesce without a word of protest before returning to their own tasks.
"
You really are
great 'pu! What was your name, again?"
"
Jeremiah Cross, and this is Soundbite."
"
Good to meet you both 'pu. Here, follow me, I'll show you to the best place to watch all the action 'pu!"
"
Hey, thanks, Gappa!"
"
Not a problem, Cross. But, well, one thing 'pu? Earlier when you were talking about your show, you acted like it was no big deal 'pu."
"
Well… come on, let's be honest here: it's only one show. I'm doing my best and I have some expectations, but I try and keep them sane. That way, I can be pleasantly surprised, you know?"
"
Sure as hell doesn't MEAN HE'S MODEST, THOUGH!"
"
Quiet, you."
"
Well, either way, you're doing a great thing 'pu! And that means you should take more pride in what you're doing 'pu. Being pleasantly surprised is one thing, but you shouldn't set your opinion of yourself lower than it should be 'pu. Maybe try boasting or something, just so long as you show some pride 'pu! It's not healthy not to acknowledge your talents 'pu!"
"…
Alright, I'll consider it," Cross conceded.
"Still, in the end it doesn't really matter," Akainu muttered, more to himself than anyone. "Because if you really are right, then Jeremiah Cross might be out of our hair sooner than I ever could have hoped."
-o-
[…
pwah…] Cowboy sighed as he finished draining the bottle he'd yanked out of his saddlebag. [So. All in favor of forgetting about that scary-beyond-all-reason non sequitur for the sake of our sanities and paying attention to the race?]
[Aye!] agreed the five ducks and camel alongside him.
[Good. Now cram it and listen.]
"
OK, everyone, the race is underway! From this perspective, I can see a lot more of the racecourse! Our group seems to be ahead of the Four Wise Men… no, wait, in both cases, the other boats are pulling ahead now! Customized boats for Omatsuri's crew, naturally…"
"
Not really 'pu. True, they're designed so the geezers can drive them 'pu. But the boats have equal seafaring skills; the drivers control the navigation, and the currents will do the rest 'pu."
[Are there really currents that strong in the world?] Eyelashes asked in surprise.
[A few, yes,] Hikoichi nodded sagely. [The first example I can think of is Reverse Mountain, probably the strongest currents in the world. But it's no surprise that more exist along the sanctuary of insanity called the Grand Line.]
"
Huh? Oh, now that you mention it, they do seem to be neck-and-neck now—wait a second, what's that? Keroko is using a grill they have onboard the boat to create a smokescreen? …Actually, that's kind of clever, I'll have to remember that one. Alright, they're clear of the smokescreen, and now—whoa, that's not good, Keroko's throwing burning charcoal at them!"
[It's as I always say!] Bourbon Jr. snickered as he toasted his bottle of BBQ sauce to the rest of the group. [Never underestimate the power of barbeque!] And with that, he threw his beak back and started chugging the bottle.
Kentauros eyed his comrade warily. [I will never know how the
hell he manages to drink that shit straight.]
[I don't even
want to know…] Ivan X rumbled with a grimace.
"
That's NOTHING! Look at
KEROSHOT!"
"
What, what's he—MISSILE LAUNCHERS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW IS THAT FAIR?!"
[Am I the only one flashing back to that time Captain tried that special saddle that Cobra brought back from the last Reverie?]
[Why he thought anything that Vegapunk made would have been normal is beyond me…]
"
Besides the rules that detail the winner, anything goes in the Ordeal of Hell 'pu. You figured that out yourself in the last Ordeal 'pu."
"
Still, isn't this weighted a little too much in Omatsuri's favor?"
"
Your swordsman and chef are strong. And there are emergency kits in the other boat to help the other two 'pu."
"
They may be strong, yeah, but—NOW IT'S A MACHINE GUN?!"
"
Yeah, those geezers are resourceful 'pu."
[There's resourceful and then there's flat-out insane,] Cowboy declared with a sweatdrop.
"
AND Zoro and Sanji
are getting along as well as they NORMALLY DO. NOT GOOD!" Soundbite remarked.
"
Alright, how about we turn our attention to the other boat…" Cross trailed off before heaving a weary sigh. "…
which is currently on fire."
"
And not in a good way 'pu."
"
And not in—DAMN IT!"/"
And not in—DAMN IT!"
[Wow, that little sucker actually managed to beat them to the punch. Impressive!] Bourbon Jr. whistled.
"
You two really are good at this 'pu. I've just been doing it for longer 'pu."
"
Wait, what?! How old are—?!"
"
Oh, it looks like they found the rescue kits 'pu."
[Oh, that's good! Maybe now things'll be more even!] Stomp squawked eagerly.
"
That's great!…or not."
[…I didn't say nuthin'...] the rookie duck groaned, shrinking under the acrid glares his superiors pinned him with.
"
Tsk, Nami's got freaking coffee mugs for all the good it's doing her, while Usopp—WHAT THE—!?"
"
Up, up, AND AWAY!"
"
Not the time, Soundbite! And you!"
"
Who, me 'pu?"
"
Yes, 'you-poo'!"
"
DON'T MOCK ME!"
The ducks and camel recoiled as the dopey teen on the other end suddenly exploded in anger.
[That was freaky…] Stomp whimpered.
[Shaddup—!] Kentauros started to yell.
[He has a point, you know,] Cowboy cut in coolly, though it didn't hide the slight quiver in his voice.
[Ah…] The helmeted duck flinched and coughed into his wing. [Ahem. Sorry, force of habit.]
-o-
"Come on, come on, come oooon…" Apoo hissed as he dug around in the mechanism installed in the shell of one of his snails. "Aaaaalmoooost—!"
"
I'LL DAMN WELL MOCK YOU IF I WANT, YOU'RE STACKING THE DECK WORSE THAN MOST CASINOS!"
"GAH!" Apoo yelped, reflexively jerking his hyper-dexterous arm at the outburst, causing over half a dozen wires to cross in the shell, which caused a cascade of short circuits, which in turn caused the snail to vomit up a cloud of acrid smoke with a pained wheeze before collapsing in on itself, X-d out eyes hanging limply from their stalks.
"Nonono—
DAMN IT!" the long-armed pirate snarled as he slammed his fist on the desk. "That was my last Galaga-Sinbad-7-Blade model transponder! The strongest model on the whole freaking
market!" He snapped his head around to glare at the rest of the snails on the shelves of his cabin. "What about the rest of you?
Any luck getting through?"
The dozen-plus snails arrayed on the walls exchanged glances before shaking their heads in unison.
"Damn it…" Apoo ground the heel of his palm into his forehead with a frustrated growl. "What the
hell is going on…" Left with no other option, he settled in and resigned himself to listening to his new friend's broadcast, unable to ignore the sense of dread steadily mounting in his gut.
"
THAT'S—! Grgh…" Gappa grit out, obviously fighting to wrestle his temper into submission. "
That's why the invitation says 'pirates among pirates among pirates among pirates' 'pu! Don't you justify any cheating you do by reminding people what you are 'pu!?"
"
I… wish… I had a valid comeback to that…" Cross finally admitted.
Apoo frowned. "Wait a minute, I know he was just introduced to the SBS. How does he know that line?"
Apparently Soundbite was mirroring his thought process. "HEY, WAIT, how did
you—?"
"
Oh, hey, looks like your navigator's noticed that your sniper's missing 'pu!"
Apoo's frown deepened into a suspicious scowl. "Changing the subject again…"
Unfortunately, this time around, Soundbite wasn't quite as savvy as the pirate. "
EH—? OHOHOHOH,
SHE'S—!" The snail's chortling suddenly choked off. "… Actually, she
looks kind of HURT…"
"
Aaand there goes the boat. Nami's ringed up and out of the game. Christ on a pikestaff, we're gonna need to act fast to keep her from biting Usopp's head off once he lands…"
"
Well, don't do it right away 'pu! I bet it'll be hilarious 'pu!"
"
Yeah, maybe so, but—!"
"
But what 'pu?"
"
But… uh… hm… well…" Cross's protests gradually trailed off into confused muttering. "
I-I suppose… A little bit of reaming couldn't hurt…"
Apoo immediately sat up at , staring at the snail in shock. "The hell—!?"
"
Huh? Cross, you sure? I MEAN, I like LONG-NOSE'S PAIN
AS MUCH AS THE NEXT JACKASS, BUT—!"
"
Hey, looks like something's wrong with your cook and swordsman 'pu!"
"
Huh? Ohhh boy, looks like my plate-headed friend here is right. Re-focusing on the race, we go back to two of our top fighters who are at once the best and worst team the Straw Hats can produce, short of either the whole crew or Soundbite and myself."
"
UH… Y-YEAH! …
Wait, which one are we?"
"
Take a wild guess. Anyway, looks like their quota for working together has run out, they're focusing more on each other than on their competitors, who are drawing nearer with—"
Suddenly, a chorus of singing metal rang out across the world.
"…
Good swordplay 'pu."
"
No kidding," Cross snickered proudly. "
Well, those two are dead in the water now, but Zoro and Sanji will have to turn back a—WHAT THE?!"
"
5 seconds, and the ship is NOT ONLY
FIXED, but turned into a WATER-PLANE? That's the term, right?"
"
Eh, I don't think it can fly, but the design is—"
There was suddenly a flurry of harsh and firm impacts.
"…
no longer appreciable."
"
Even our chef's feet aren't that strong 'pu."
"
Freaking unbelievable… Well, at least it's gone down—SON OF A BITCH!"
"OK,
cheating enemies THOUGH THEY ARE, THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME! THAT DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"
"
NOT EVEN REMOTELY
THE TIME, SOUND—"
Amidst the renewed symphony of swords and strikes, Apoo gained a thoughtful expression. "Pierce the heavens… I'll have to remember that one."
-o-
"…
huh. Uh, never mind, viewers. Talk about anticlimactic; Zoro and Sanji literally dismantled the boat, and the rings are tossed. And meanwhile, Usopp's still in the sky, and Nami is hanging on a rope; Keroko's been snagged, but Kerojii… is challenging both Zoro and Sanji at once."
"
Why do they fight so much anyway 'pu? Aren't you supposed to be crewmates 'pu?"
"
Eh, it's a grand confluence of conflicting neuroses and psychoses, but while they might fight each other from time to time, they can pull their own, especially when they can stomach working together. And either way, they've always got each other's backs. We all do, really. I doubt you'll find many closer crews on the sea!"
"That form of relationship sounds veeeeery familiar, yoyoi!" Kumadori proclaimed as he struck a pose. "Whether pirates or government, it would appear that in the end we are aaaaaaall one and the sa—!" THWACK! "YOWOWOIII!" The kabuki-faced assassin slumped to his knees, clutching a nascent lump on his skull.
"Will you do me a favor and shut the hell up already!?" Jabra snarled as he shrank back from his hybrid form. "It's freaking impossible to listen to anything over your damn racket! AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU!"
That last was directed at Fukuro, who was rifling through a rolodex he was holding in his palm. Fukuro glanced back at Jabra, but rather than throw out one of his usual reminders he just sighed and went back to looking. "This is business, chapapa. Kalifa called and asked for me to do some research on the Baron."
Jabra growled lightly under his breath for a moment as he weighed the pros and cons of trying to get at his much more… evasive comrade, but ultimately elected to turn back to the show, doing his idle best to ignore the so-called 'Silent Owl.'
"
Then why are they being so haphazard 'pu?" Gappa asked with childish innocence.
"Oh, dear! It sounds as though these steadfast comrades may be—!"
"WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY, DAMN IT!?" Jabra roared.
"
EEP!"
"
Haphazard? What do you—oh, that's what. So... apparently, Kerojii is actively trying to make them attack each other, hopping between their heads and the ends of the boat, trying to get in their way with each other…aaand there goes Sanji, Zoro only barely managed to dodge. And by dodge, I mean pushing Sanji in the way."
"
Honor among thieves," Soundbite muttered, albeit with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
Jabra frowned in confusion. "That's weird…"
Fukuro cocked an eyebrow absentmindedly. "Eh? How so? Pirates betray pirates every day."
"Most pirates, yeah, but as much as the World Government denies it, we've been steadily shown proof positive that the Straw Hats aren't normal pirates. They wouldn't normally
do something like this." Jabura rubbed his thumb over his braided beard. "Ergh, something's not right here…" He promptly snapped his fingers at Fukuro. "When you get that intel for Kalifa, share it with me as well."
The Silent Owl snapped a thumbs-up as he swapped out the rolodex for a new one. "Got it."
"
Yeah, that kind of a reaction is a surprise, even coming from those two. But hey," It was evident that Cross had just shrugged. "
I guess tempers are high. But geeze, that old geezer is nimble… uh-oh. Crap, Zoro's vulnerable!"
"
We're gonna win 'pu!"
"
USOPP POUND!" Soundbite suddenly barked out in the voice of the crew's sniper.
"…
Or not 'pu. Wow,
was that unlucky."
"
Ha! Death and a giant hammer from above from our sniper! One well-tossed ring… and it's over! Two for two, the Straw Hat Pirates win!"
"YOYOI, VICTORY! VICTORY!" Kumadori danced around, cheering at the top of his lungs. Jabra didn't object this time, too distracted eyeing Fukuro's suddenly intensified focus on one of his cards.
"…
Well, congratulations. I'd recommend you head back to the rest of your crew, we'll send those four along 'pu. Those fireworks don't come out often; it seems that the Baron will be holding a dinner party to celebrate your victories 'pu. I hope you enjoy it. After you've eaten, you'll face me in the final Ordeal of Hell 'pu."
"
Oh, just one more?"
"
Yes. Pass the final Ordeal, and you can enjoy all that the master of this island has to offer his guests 'pu."
"
Fine by me! Well, I'll see you then, Gappa!… Uh, Soundbite? Something on your mind?"
"
EH? Ah… nothing, nothing, I JUST THOUGHT… I'm fine, I THINK THE FIREWORKS SCREWED ME UP
a bit is all."
"
Well, if you say so."
"Is it just me, or did that sound very particularly ominous to anyone else, yoyoi?" Kumadori glanced at his comrades warily.
"Eh, what's the worst that could happen? Glorified goldfish catching and glorified ring-tossing, I don't think this baron's that big of a threat to the likes of them," Jabra waved his hand dismissively, although the tension in his body language said otherwise.
After a minute of no reply, he looked up, to see Fukuro dialing on another snail, a look of unease on his face. "You find something?"
The team's resident gossip hound snapped a card up for Jabra to see.
The wolf-man gave the punchcard a once-over—
"
SHIT!"
Before snatching the card out of Fukuro's hand and Shaving the hell out of the room, making tracks for Spandam's office.
Kumadori swapped his confused gaze between the door and his rotund friend before crossing his arms with a huff. "Well, now I just feel left out, yoyoi~…"
-o-
For the first time in a long time, the Big Top was absolutely silent, the Buggy Pirates (plus one) hanging onto every word coming out of their Transponder Snail's mouth. Well, that, and sneaking nervous glances towards their captain, who was pacing the deck like a caged tiger. Every so often he would pause, look into the distance, and mutter to himself before continuing to wear a groove in the deck. It was almost as spooky as the SBS, and though their captain didn't abuse his crew nearly as often these days, no one wanted to provoke his temper.
"…
Well, it's official. For all of Baron Omatsuri's…shall we say, 'advanced age', the resort does
seem to be everything promised. I'm seeing pools, I'm seeing gourmet drinks… heck, here's XXX relaxing by a pool with a gourmet drink! Where'd you get that particular delicacy, XXX?"
"
Muchigoro provided it. Apparently, it's a custom of the island for him to serve our every command for losing the game. Unfortunately, he seems to be a little drunk presently."
"
YOU WOULDN'T have anything to do with that,
would you?" Soundbite asked dryly.
"
Oh, come now, would I do that?"
"
Obvious answer is obvious," Cross chuckled. "
Anyway, where's everyone else?"
"
Chopper wandered off to explore a while ago, and Lassoo wandered off in search of the quietest and most comfortable place he could find to relax, citing something about the 'servants making his skin crawl'. Vivi is enjoying the royal treatment in the spa with Carue watching over her, Luffy ran off after someone with a toothbrush mustache who was throwing stones at him, and Conis has apparently lost track of her fox, and is searching for her. Also… not that I'm complaining, Soundbite, but you're being rather quiet."
"
HUH? Oh, yeah…
sorry," Soundbite apologized with a wince. "
I... everything's kind of BLURRY RIGHT NOW…"
"…
Cross, I don't think Soundbite is well." Even through the blurring, the concern in the mystery crewmate's voice was obvious.
"
I FEEL FINE!" Soundbite barked indignantly before shifting his glance to the side. "
It's just my powers feel… screwy. I…I'm still trying
TO FIND BOSS AND THE TDWS…"
"
See? No need to worry about it, he's fine. He'll be back to his normal self in no time. Anyway, gotta go; enjoy your lounging, XXX."
"Since when is Cross that dim?" Alvida muttered to herself. "His partner feels strange and yet he brushes it off like it's nothing?"
"Not to mention that lack of concern for the dugongs," Cabaji commented. "After all of those lines from earlier on friendship and unity, that's not even remotely in character for him."
"
Ah… yeah, if you say so…" Soundbite ultimately agreed, if somewhat uncertainly. "
OH, HEY, XXX, BEFORE we go, you're SURE YOU
haven't seen CHOPPER ANYWHERE?"
"
Hm? Not since he wandered off, no. Why do you ask?"
"…
No reason."
A vocal equivalent of a shrug. "
If you say so. I may go out for a bit myself later; Muchigoro told me of a species of flower that only grows on this island, the Lily Carnation."
"What's that, a cross-breed between—?" Mohji started to ask.
"WHAT?! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!"
Everyone present looked back at Buggy, and recoiled; the clown looked absolutely horrified. The next second, he leapt for the receiver, and began dialing.
"What are you doing, Buggy?" Alvida asked, honest concern in her voice.
"WHAT THE FLASHY HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? I'M CALLING THE SBS!"
"C-Captain?" Cabaji asked hesitantly.
"I've been to that island before, Cabaji…" Buggy grimly bit out. "I've tried to forget that day ever happened and I've been denying it this entire time, I thought that first name was just a coincidence, I
prayed, but that second name, that
name…" The Clown Pirate shuddered in horror. "I need to call the Strawhats and warn them! Warn them that that Island is nothing more than a trap, one of the most dangerous traps in all of the Grand Line! A trap so vile, so utterly
horrific that it put me off of the Grand Line and forced me to settle for the
fucking East Blue!"
"And you want to call the Straw Hats and warn them about that because…?"
Buggy pinned Alvida with a glare so intense that she actually took a step back. "Because as I escaped from that hell, I made the mistake of looking back. I saw what that… that
place did to my crewmates and it has haunted my nightmares, the nightmares of a man who's seen everything the Grand Line has to offer, ever since. What I saw…" Buggy grit his teeth, an audible grinding noise issuing out as he threw a haunted stare at the snail. "I may be a right flashy bastard, but I'd like to imagine that I still have
some semblance of a soul. No one deserves that hell. Not even the Straw Hats."
-o-
"
Ah, there you are, Vivi! Enjoying the royal treatment, your majesty?"
"
Quite so, Mister Jeremiah," came Vivi's voice, unusually imperialistic. "
Their XXX Island masque is making me feel truly alive. Perhaps you should sample it; it's herbal and made from the local flowers. Whether you do or not, I've really missed this, I haven't had a good royal spa treatment since before I left home."
"
Same heah. These guys know how tah tweat a duck as good as Alabasta did!"
"Hey, Pops…" Kohza slowly glanced at his commander in chief with a wary expression. "Correct me if I'm wrong… but I
do remember Vivi hating spa treatments to high heaven and Carue being right there with her, right?"
"Yes, but that was two years ago. Considering the fax—
ahem, mah, mah,
MAH! Considering the fact that they spent two years undercover as assassins and had to leave the country immediately after their labors bore fruit, I don't find it strange that either of them would want to take advantage of it when the chance is presented to them," Igaram replied before Cobra could. "I know that I certainly did."
"That's plausible, Igaram, but what I find strange is that she said that her masque came from local flowers, when they established that the only flower that they've seen is the talking one on the Baron's shoulder," Chaka noted with an uncomfortable frown.
"
Well, the results may be good, but I'm not sure the way you look right now is worth it," Cross said cheekily. "
I don't think the green and gray really match your hair."
"
The process might be ugly, Mister Jeremiah, but I assure you
that the results will be worth it…"
"And she would know that
how, exactly?" Pell wondered.
"Well, Miss Monday talked her into trying one out. And… it took her about two months to forgive me for screaming when I saw them."
"Who, the assassin or Vivi?"
"Yes."
"
I sure hope so; OTHERWISE, YOU'LL HAVE LESS dignity THAN
NAMI!" Soundbite cackled eagerly. "
HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEE—!"
"
Watch your tongue, Soundbite," Vivi cut him off, her tone suddenly as hard as granite. "Or else."
"HAHA—
HURK!? WHAT THE FUCK, VIVI!?"
"What the hell!?" Kohza jerked forwards, staring at the snail in shock and horror, his expression mirrored throughout the royal master bedroom. "W-What—was that
Vivi!?"
"There is no way in the
world that my daughter would be so harsh over anything so trivial!" Cobra barked harshly, before turning towards his Captain of the Guard with a disturbed expression. "Or… is there, Igaram?"
"I-I don't believe so, your majesty," Igaram stammered. "Even in her persona as Miss Wednesday, even when she had to act cold and cruel, she was never even
remotely that… that
glacial. T-This shift in her attitude, I-I-I cahn't—
ahem, mah, mah,
MAH!—can't even begin to explain it!"
Meanwhile, one voice on the other end of the connection was disturbingly undisturbed by the princess' coldness. "
Well! There's more proof that you should never come between a woman and her beauty!" Cross said cheerfully. "
Well, we've got to be going, more crewmates to see, after all. Enjoy the spa!"
"
That I will, Mister Jeremiah," Vivi sighed in contentment. "
That I will…"
"
Take aww the time you need, Cwoss, aww the time you need. Meanwhiwe, ah'll be enjoying theshe dewicious apewitifs!"
"
Well, alright, then! See you!" And with that, Cross apparently left the room, but the conversation was clearly not over.
"
Uh, Cross?" Soundbite spoke up through gritted teeth. "
I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, BUT EITHER Vivi really loves her spa treatments… OR
she's lost it!"
"
What, you mean how she reacted? Pff, that's probably just how she acts when she really gets to unwind," Cross scoffed dismissively. "
Come on, Soundbite, you're making a big deal out of nothing again! Remember that time you thought that salesman was part of the Snail Illuminati?"
"
I STILL HOLD THAT THAT MOLLUSK WAS
SPEAKING IN CODE!"
"What does it say about the Straw Hats that the term 'Snail Illuminati' doesn't even faze me?" Chaka asked dryly.
"Nothing we didn't know already," Pell replied just as dryly. "And… considering the spa treatment and the fact that this is Soundbite we're talking about, perhaps Vivi's reaction is reasonable."
Suddenly, the clatter of sandals and talons running on tile erupted over the connection.
"
Get back heyah, would ya!? Wait up!"
"
HELP! GIANT DUCK, GIANT DUCK!"
There was a brief moment of silence as the ruckus faded into the distance before Cross chuckled in amusement. "
Well, it seems that when he really wants to, that duck is capable of living up to his species' name." There was a moment of silence. "
What? Come on, Soundbite, that was funny!"
"EH?" Soundbite turned an inquisitive eye towards, presumably, Cross. His other was pre-occupied with swinging back and forth nervously. "
Uh, yeah, sure, W-WHATEVER YOU SAY, HAHA."
The Alabastans, meanwhile, were fully aware of the discrepancy that Soundbite had merely suspected.
"Carue… left Vivi alone?" Igaram breathed in disbelief. "For
food?"
"Alright, that's it," Cobra growled, snapping up from where he'd been sitting. "Something is visibly
rotten in the city of Mariejois, and I mean beyond the usual decay. Call Sabo at once and let him know that I need to speak with Dragon
immediately."
-o-
"
Now then, where to next, where to ne—Oh, hey, Conis! Eesh, you look freaked, what's wrong?"
"
Oh, hello, Cross. Howlit—er, I mean, Lassoo wandered out an hour or two ago, saying that he needed some air, and that the staff were kind of creeping him out. Then, when he didn't come back, Su told me that she was going to go looking for him. But she hasn't come back either. Soundbite, can you hear her?"
"
AH… ergh, damn it… I'm sorry, CONIS; my hearing is messed up, FUZZIER THAN SU AFTER A BATH."
"
Eh, don't worry, Conis, Lassoo probably just fell asleep, and I bet Su is just enjoying the chance to explore an exotic location without the the spectre of certain death looming overhead."
"
Cross, can you please try to be at least a little more serious here? Soundbite can't hear anything, and some of our crew is missing!"
"
SHE HAS a point, dude! LOOK, I WANTED A VACATION AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT
THIS ISLAND HAS FELT OFF
since we landed! And with everything that's been HAPPENING—!"
"
Oh, psh, is that all?" Cross scoffed nonchalantly. "
Come off it, do you really think I haven't noticed the weird vibes this place is giving off? I can be thick, but I'm not Luffy
thick. It's obvious that this place is weird, but it can't be anything worse than a glorified Davy Back Fight, so really there's nothing to worry about!"
"
But if this is another trap like back on Long Ring Long, doesn't that make it doubly important that we break out of it as soon as possible before we're irreversibly snared!?" Conis demanded.
"
Why should we? The benefits of getting into it are currently outdoing the costs by a pretty hefty margin, and by broadcasting this my show'll get tons of viewers! Plus, there's no risk of losing one of our crew forever this time, right?"
"
Speak for yourself…"
"
Eh?"
"N-NOTHING!"
"
If you say so."
"You know, it's obvious that he wants to be heard, that's no surprise, but when did he care this much about increasing his viewer were?" Paulie wondered.
"I'm more worried about how callous and oblivious he's being," Iceburg said with a frown. "His crewmates are acting abnormally, and yet he's just treating it like some harmless game. He only does that when it's only
him in danger, or he has things under control, neither of which appear to be the case here. The only reason I can think of would be if something was blatantly wrong with him, and if so it appears to have extended to the rest of the crew as well."
"Which… is bad," Kaku summarized flatly.
The chief of Galley-La nodded solemnly. "Very,
very bad."
"
Anyway, if there's nothing else, let's just go meet the others outside," Cross continued in an entirely too casual tone. "
Easy money says that the others are getting impatient, and besides, Su and Lassoo are bound to show up for dinner, right?"
"
Mmmph… well, that's a good point…" Conis conceded, though by her tone she clearly disagreed. "
Alright, which way is it, exactly?"
As the broadcast devolved back into simple walking and idle conversation, Kalifa cracked open the back door, looking distinctly ill at ease. Kaku, Lucci, and Blueno noticed, and surreptitiously moved out the door to join their comrade.
"What's the matter?" Kaku muttered as he maintained a subtle watch on their erstwhile colleagues.
The female agent shook her head as she shuffled the papers she was practically strangling. "I've searched records thoroughly, I've asked everyone I can, I've even…" She hazarded a glance at where the rest of the company was before dropping her voice. "
Called Enies for intelligence on this Baron Omatsuri."
"And?" Blueno asked.
"The most recent records of anyone with that name are of a pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates. They sailed the seas for decades, but then disappeared without a trace." She looked at each of her comrades in turn, a panicked glint behind her glasses. "The issue with that particular identification is that the date they disappeared was
two years before Roger's execution."
-o-
"
Hey, everyone, how's it going?" Cross asked cheerily.
"
Read the mood, asshole," snarled several voices, of a quality that made the listeners stiffen in unwilling anticipation. It was best compared to a barrel of chlorine trifluoride hovering over a glacier; frigid, but one push away from a superheated and incredibly toxic explosion. Soundbite whimpered audibly.
"Wow, I haven't seen a mood that bad since—"
Drake cut himself off at the twin glares Jonathan and Jessica were giving him. "Since never! Never seen any mood that bad, nope!" he hastily amended, cold sweat cascading down his temples.
"
Ooh, tough crowd," Cross drawled, albeit with a hint of mischief in his voice. But not his usual mischief; rather than being playful and fun, this tone was more… dark.
Cruel, even. "
Why so serious, guys? What, are we not having fun here? I know that I sure am, and hopefully my viewers are too! Uh… where's Chopper?"
"
Oh, he told Robin he'd be back soon, so he should—"
"
There's no way in hell that I can have any kind of 'fun' with this big-mouthed long-nosed traitor even remotely nearby," Nami growled venomously.
"
Damn it, what did I even do, Nami?!" Usopp plaintively demanded.
"
You know damn well, you bastard," the navigator hissed.
"
No! I don't! And yeah, I know my parents never married, but that bastard line is uncalled for!"
"
What did you do to Nami-swan, Usopp? She wouldn't lie," Sanji snarled.
"
Idiot cook, she lies all the time if it'll get her another beri," Zoro growled back, black hatred coloring his voice.
"
SAY THAT AGAIN, SHITTY MOSSHEAD!" Sanji roared.
"
She. Lies. All. The—"
"
GUYS, KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!"
"
The snail's right, this is just sad."
"
Thank you, Cross," Conis sighed in relief.
"
Seriously, can't you two come up with some new material?" Cross complained in what appeared to be all sincerity. "
I mean, 'Cook' and 'Mosshead' have been done to death, why not do something original, eh?"
"
STOP HELPING, CROSS!" Conis promptly pleaded.
"
Eesh, you try and lend a hand and all you get in return is—"
"
MISTER JEREMIAH!"
"
GAH! What, Vivi—whoa, hello, fashion horror show, there appears to be something on your—"
"
The Baron cut my spa treatment short because of the dinner party that he's about to throw us. I was enjoying myself more than I have for the last two years!"
"The new recruits won't be happy to hear that," Drake muttered.
Jonathan did not reply, too focused on what was coming out of his snail's mouth. The intent stare his face had morphed into discouraged anyone from interrupting him.
"
Well, you can hardly blame me
for his scheduling and policies," Cross waved her off indifferently.
"
I'm not, that would be unfair," Vivi reassured him before her entire expression swapped to apoplectic fury. "
I'm blaming you because it's your fault that I can't take my sweet time enjoying a spa treatment back in Alabasta, WHERE I'D BE TREATED PROPERLY LIKE THE ROYALTY I AM!"
There was a moment of tense, frigid silence, filled only with harsh, rapid breathing.
Ultimately, however, the silence was broken with a single smug phrase.
"
Don't you mean 'was'?"
And down went the barrel.
"
DAMN IT,
CROSS!" Conis cried out.
And from there the situation only devolved further, entirely dominating the SBS. It was almost as though Cross had forgotten that the microphone was on. That, or he just didn't care who heard the strife that was afflicting the crew. The blurred voice that they knew to be Nico Robin seemed to be the only one still calm, trying to ask Luffy to calm them down. Before the captain could make any headway, however, the sound of drums rang out.
"Okay, did Cross get his brain replaced while no one was looking?" Holger incredulously demanded. "Ever since day one of the SBS, he's been almost as pissed off about Princess Vivi's situation as the princess herself! This isn't a personality shift, this is a complete transplant!"
"It makes about as much sense as anything else that's been going on right now," Cormac replied with a grimace.
"Quiet," Jonathan snapped. Both officers promptly shut up, and all present in the room quieted as the Vice Admiral began pushing around pieces on his chessboard.
Sadly, the reality of the situation was brought back to the fore by the mocking voice of the island's master.
"
Now, now, now, what's with all of this arguing I thought that a crew as united as yours go along well?" Baron Omatsuri drawled.
"
Oh, spare us the wisecracks," Zoro shot back venomously.
"
Yeah, so we're going through a rough patch, big whoop." The nonchalant shrug in Cross's voice was plain to hear, as was the newfound darkness in Omatsuri's chuckle.
"
As you wish. I will now entertain you all with a private dinner party!"
Henrick glanced around nervously as the sound of shifting water sounded out. "I'm not the only one who's disturbed by just how evil this guy suddenly sounds, right?"
"Is it sudden, or is he just no longer bothering to put on a ruse?" Holger asked right back.
"
Well, is there no end to the surprises on this island?" Cross whistled in awe. "
It would appear that even this seemingly innocuous pond is capable of turning into—"
"
I present to you the outdoor iron-griddle restaurant!"
"—
yes, that. Omatsuri's chef is standing on the griddle, which is now on fire, wearing skates that seem to be made out of lard and carrying a pair of… what are those, pizza paddles?"
"
They're spatulas, actually, custom made for my head chef, Kotetsu!" Omatsuri stated.
"
Got it."
"I can only pray,
pray that they'll be able to get over whatever problems are making them act like this long enough to have a good meal," Jessica pleaded, more to herself than anyone.
[That's assuming that they haven't drugged the food,] Isaiah cut in, writing out the same words on the notepad he had before him. Jessica grimaced as she saw it.
"Drugs… or something stronger," Jonathan muttered.
"What was that, Commander?" Henrick asked hesitantly.
Jonathan positioned the last piece on his board before resting his head in his hands. "Of the present Straw Hats, the only ones that are not acting extremely out of character are the captain, Soundbite, Nico Robin, and Conis. In short, the ones unaffected are the ones that are not normal humans, with 'normal' being relative."
"But isn't Cross's physiology abnormal, too?" Drake questioned.
[YES, BUT HE'S DIFFERENT IN THAT HE'S SOMEHOW LESS
POWERFUL THAN THE REST OF THE CREW! ERGO, IT'S AS THOUGH HE'S BEING HIT BY A SEAKING!] Terry furiously squawked and slashed into a notepad.
"
And now whole carts of food are being tossed into the air and—diced up long before they hit the grill. And now comes the shuffling around."
"
This is actually pretty impressive…" Conis mused absentmindedly.
"
Yeah, but it's a slippery slope, Conis," Cross warned. "
It's a good performance, but if any food's wasted then the whole spectacle is pointless."
"
Well, either way, it looks yummy!" Luffy cried out.
"
Yes, it does—oh, what's this? Oh, my, Sanji's just jumped onto the grill."
"
Luffy… I'm about to make you a shitty meal 100 times better than what this fatass is making!" Sanji declared. "
I'll put on a show for you all that none of you will ever forget!"
"
Heh. I don't have any ingredients for you to use," came an unfamiliar voice that could only be Kotetsu.
"
Then I'll just… TAKE YOURS!"
"
Well, this promises to be exciting!... Though our audience seems to be missing a member. Hey, did anyone see where Vivi went?"
"
I think she said something about 'going to find that damn duck' before stalking off," Usopp provided.
"
Eh, her loss. 'Sides, her harping was starting to get really irritating."
"Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense," Jessica said.
"What? I thought we'd already established that a lot of the crew is acting way out of—"
"Not
that, Holger," Jessica cut in. "I'm referring to the fact that aside from the princess with her spa treatment and the duck with the food platter, none of the Straw Hats have eaten up to this point, so they
couldn't have been drugged through any gastronomic means. So how could whatever's been making them go insane have gotten into their systems?!"
"
Well! Looks like we have a cooking duel on our hands, ladies and gentleman! The two of them are staring each other down… and they're off! They're rushing towards the ingredients, and they've both seized a sizable portion to work with, though Kotetsu managed to get away with more of it."
"But that's the only explanation!" Cormac started to protest before trailing off thoughtfully. "Unless… w-what if it's airborne or something? Like a toxin or a gas or—?"
SLAM!
The Marines jumped almost a foot off the air and stared at their commanding officer in shock.
Jonathan was scowling grimly, driving the black queen so hard into the board that both it and the desk beneath were starting to crack.
"Pollen," he spat. "It's the
flower."
-o-
"
And now we see the differentiation in approach between the two chefs!" Cross announced proudly, at least a hint of his old self entering his voice. "
Kotetsu is mixing his portion in with a large helping of noodles, while Sanji has prepared a thick and rich broth for the food to marinate in… and what's this? Oh, I was wrong, it's not broth. It's batter
! He's making a pancake!"
"Pancakes for dinner? The brat must have lost his mind out there on the high-seas!" Patty chortled for a second before he was cut off by a dope slap courtesy of Carne.
"Less backseat-cooking, more
real-life cooking! This marathon might be insane, but it's still managing to whip up a massive dinner rush!" the shorter chef barked. "Besides, pancakes are great for dinner!"
"Where, Podunk, South Blue?"
"I'll have you know that Podunk was a
respectable community, and that—!"
THWACK-WHACK!
"OW!" the belligerent chefs chorused as they clutched their skulls.
"If you can't keep up the pace while listening, then I will
fry this snail myself, you hear me?" Zeff growled as he loomed behind the two, the snail flinching in fear. "Now come on!" He slid two dozen plates of beautifully designed food before them. "Order up!" The head chef then turned his attention to the snail as he got back to work. After all, he could do this in his sleep, quite literally.
"
Go, Sanji! You're looking great! Do your best!" Nami cheered.
"
Keep it up, Sanji! Go, go, go!" Usopp concurred.
A moment later, however, both voices fell silent.
"
Oh, dear, it seems that our navigator and sniper are still angry with each other. What a pity," Cross remarked, the dark humor returning full-force.
"
Cross, can't you do something about them? S-Something to actually help
them? Now Nami's just walking away to sit next to that fish keeper, and Usopp's wandering into the forest," Conis said worriedly.
"
Oh, don't worry so much, Conis. They'll get over it with a little time alone. And honestly, it's sort of cute watching them fight."
"
C-Cute?" Conis repeated in disbelief. "
Cross—!"
"
OYSTER SAUCE!"
"
Oh, hold that thought!" Cross said.
"
SEAWEED FLAKES!"
"
Looks like Kotetsu is finishing up his dish!"
"
And with a dash of red, pickled ginger, my - Island yakisoba will be complete! Bon appetit!"
"Sounds like they made an awesome dish!" Patty commented as he returned to his station.
"Yeah, too bad Sanji's going to upstage him without a sweat!" Carne cackled eagerly.
Zeff smirked slightly, lowering his peg-leg from it's pre-whack position.
"
Well, well, that's quite the appealing pasta dish—wait, what the hell—whoa!"
"
Thanks for the ingredients!" Sanji called out.
"…
One of these days, I'm going to have to ask just how thoroughly that old man trained him. Viewers, Sanji just gathered up all of that pasta, meat and all, with a giant pair of chopsticks, rolled it into a ball, and tossed it into the air. And now… he's flipping that pancake of his up and on top of it?"
"
Super-thick sauce! A layer of mayonnaise. Aaand… as the veil-like bonito flakes dance in the air, my modan yaki is complete." The drumbeats stopped. "
That's how it's done!"
"
Go, Sanji, go! Looks like Kotetsu wasn't expecting to be outdone… ooh,
and he just fell onto his hands and knees in disbelief, on the griddle. That's going to leave a mark."
"
Sweet Conis, did you see my demonstration of cooking skills?" Sanji purred.
"
Y-Yes, that was… very impressive," Conis said uncertainly, her discomfort plainly audible.
"
Alright, how about serving up some of that—um. Alright, Luffy has reached a new low in table manners; he literally just dove into the food like it was a swimming pool. I'm not sure how I feel about eating that now…"
"
FOR ONCE, I'm not sure I want any
either," Soundbite muttered.
"
I believe I've lost my appetite, too," Conis queasily agreed.
"
Hey, Zoro, wake up! The food is ready!" Luffy called.
"
Food? Oh, good, I'm starving."
"You think it's out of character for Sanji to try feeding Zoro food that their captain dove into?"
"No, that seems about par for the course."
"Patty, Carne, as entertaining as this is, do I need to remind you that we have—"
"
You were asleep, so you can go hungry."
"
Huh?"
"
Anyone who doesn't cheer for me doesn't have the right to eat."
CRASH!
The cookware in Zeff's hands fell to the ground and shattered as he gaped at the Transponder Snail in stunned horror.
"O-OWNER ZEFF!"
"Sanji… he would never say that. Not in a thousand years, not if his life depended on it, not if every woman in the
world begged him to say it," Zeff breathed, sinking to his knees in shock.
"Something's not right here, something's
really not right!" Patty growled furiously.
Apparently, the chefs of the Baratie weren't the only ones to share this opinion.
-o-
"
HAVE YOU LOST—MMPH!?" Soundbite's panicked protests were suddenly silenced without warning.
"
Be quiet,
you little pest, before I bash your teeth in!"
"What. The damn. Hell," Smoker grit out slowly, his cigars
very swiftly burning down to nubs.
"D-Did Cross just—?!" Tashigi stammered in near-panic, unable to believe her ears.
"
M-Mmph!?" Soundbite mumbled out with just as much incredulity.
"
Come on, dumbass, don't you realize it yet? I don't know what the heck's going on here, but I do know that it's dramatic straight out the wazoo! The messier this gets, the more viewers I'll
get, so don't ruin this for me, got it!?"
"B-BUT,
but—!"
"
Now shut up, we're missing some prime material here."
"He's out of his fucking mind," Smoker numbly summarized.
"H-He has to have a
reason—!" Tashigi started to stammer, only to be interrupted by a sound coming over the Transponder Snail's connection.
"
Cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click, cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click."
It took the ensign a moment to decipher what she was hearing, but once she did she paled in horror. "That's an SOS…" she breathed, barely able to believe what she was saying. "S-Soundbite's using his teeth to send an SOS. He-He's scared for his life… Scared of
Cross…"
SLAM!
Tashigi nearly jumped clear out of her seat as Smoker slammed his fist onto the table.
"Enough is enough," he growled viciously. "Damn secrecy and damn the rest of MI4. We're ending this shitshow
now. Call the snail, with any luck he'll have the presence of mind to blur our voices."
Nodding frantically, Tashigi swept up the Transponder Snail's mic and tapped in the long-since memorized number—
!́̀͡-̴͏̡̛M͟͟҉͠Y̸̕͢͠͞ ̡̕F̴̕Ų̷̴̀N̡҉̷̸͠ ̵̧͞M҉͏̧͞Y͏̛͠͠͡ ̨͞T͘҉̛͢O͢͞Ý̡S̢̀̀͢͝ ̴̷̢̧͜M̨͘Y̷͝ ͜͜F̴͡O̸͏̢Ǫ̨͡͠͏D͘͡ ҉̴̸͠G̶O̶̶҉͘ ͞͏Ą̵̀̕Ẃ̛͘͠Ą̷̛͠Ý̵̨̛-̸̢͡!̴̡̕͜͠
Only to shriek and fumble the Snail's mic when a roar/shriek/
blast of unholy
sound tore its way from the poor Snail's mouth; it promptly fainted into unconsciousness, foam bubbling out of its mouth the instant its task was completed.
The two Marines stared at the Snail in horror for a moment before chorusing a singular thought.
"
Shit."
-o-
"Come on, captain,
think! You know the names, you know you know them, and he's even given us some descriptions, too!"
"Muchigoro, the loach-human with the giant pet goldfish!"
"Gappa, the young gunner who looks like a kappa!"
"The Four Wise Men, or Three Men and one Woman!"
"Kotetsu, the theatrical chef built like a freakin' ox!"
"Come on, is
any of this ringing a bell!?"
"Aaaaargh, yes, they're ringing
plenty!" Shanks snarled as he paced back and forth, his hand desperately hammering against his forehead. "But none of it is actually making any
sense! I
recognize the names, I know
details about them, like how Kerojii can drink like a fiend or how Muchigoro can't hold his alcohol worth shit—!"
"Focus!" Benn barked.
"But
none of it has any context!" Shanks flung his arm up in desperation. "I don't know
how I know them, I don't know
where I know them from…"
"…
Alright, now things are getting a bit weird; every single one of the candles for the party just went out at the same time… and looking more closely, it seems that our crew has been brought down to six."
"
S-Seven—"
"
We'll compromise at six and a quarter, now shh.
This is turning… interesting."
Soundbite whimpered. "
V-Viewers? C-CROSS CAN'T hear me
SAYING THIS…BUT HE'S lost his mind… I'm scared…"
Shanks snarled and raked his fingers through his hair. "But damn it all, I
need to find out why I get a sickening feeling of
wrongness in my gut every time the baron talks! Before this gets any worse than it already is!"
"
And what's this?"
"
AAAAAAHHHH!"
"
GEEZE, you stupid snail, why—whoa, Muchigoro… OK, so that reaction was understandable. They really take the plant motif seriously here, he's turned purple, and shriveled up like a dried reed," Cross whistled in awe.
"
H-He was rambling about A STORM—"
Cross cut him off with a malevolent grin. "
And meanwhile, the rest of our crew is arguing about what to do next."
"
I told you to keep an eye on them!" Sanji barked.
"
They aren't kids! I can't keep tabs on them all day long!" Zoro shot back.
"
Five of our crew disappeared, and nobody noticed?"
"
I-I noticed! I-I-I tried to SAY SOMETHING, BUT—!"
"
But why are we just now noticing?!" Nami demanded.
"
Because none of you are listening!" Conis pleaded. "
Please, stop arguing, we need to—!"
"
Luffy…" Conis choked at the sheer icy
malice dripping from Sanji's words. "
What are you going to do? You're the one who got us into this."
"
Sanji—" Nami started.
"
You're the one who decided to come to this island!"
"
Stop it! This isn't the time!" Nami protested, though it seemed halfhearted.
"AGH! What is it?! How can I not remember—?!"
THWACK! THUD!
All of the Red-Haired Pirates gaped, while the world's greatest swordsman inspected Yoru's hilt and began plucking away the few red hairs that had stuck to it.
"Less subtlety than I prefer, but when all else fails…" Mihawk grunted.
Shanks slowly got back to his feet, his face somewhere between a grimace and a smirk. "Screw subtle, that actually
worked! I remember now: Baron Omatsuri was Captain 'Red Baron' Omatsuri, captain of the Red Arrow Pirates! I met them once while I was still sailing with Captain Roger! We met them a couple of years before we reached Raftel, we had a great party, we parted ways on good terms and—!" Shanks' jubilant expression promptly froze before turning ashen. "And… And they got caught in the mother of all storms… a storm so violent… it picked up their ship and flung it clean over the Red Line, back into Paradise… there… there were no survivors…"
"Well, it seems that reports—" Mihawk began.
"—Of their demise were greatly exaggerated," most of the Red-Hair Pirates intoned together.
"Story of my life…" Shanks grumbled with a roll of his eyes before grinning viciously. "Well, either way, it doesn't matter! Now that we have a name, we can call Luffy and—!"
"
That's what started all of this… Luffy, this is your fault."
"
SANJI!" Conis shrieked in offense. The fact that she was the
only one who protested was telling in the extreme.
And just like that everything
froze, pirates and Warlords alike staring at the snail in varying degrees of mute shock, the small degree of humor that they had fading away like a candle flame in the ocean.
"
Whoa. Borderline mutinous behavior from our chef," Cross purred. "
Be sure to take it all in, folks. This is some prime quality drama."
"
Tell me this is just a NIGHTMARE. SOMEONE wake me up!
THEY'RE ALL COMPLETELY NUTS!"
"I'm afraid…" Mihawk grimaced. "It would appear that in this case, this is an instance of what is commonly known as 'too little, too late'."
-o-
"
The dinner party is over! The Ordeal of Hell will now resume!" Omatsuri's voice suddenly barked. All signs of his previous good cheer were gone, and only frigid, malicious apathy remained. "
Everyone, take your positions. DJ, come forth!"
"
Good evening 'pu. I'm DJ Gappa. Pleasure to meet you 'pu," came a familiar voice.
"Damn, it's this bastard again," Marco scowled grimly, his attitude mirrored by the rest of his brothers who were listening to the SBS. "He's the one who kickstarted this entire mess in the first place!"
"Don't be too hasty there, Marco," Whitebeard rumbled as he levelled a hard stare at the snail. "This hell didn't start with that young man. He might have planted the seeds of whatever's wrong with Cross, but as a whole?" The half-giant shook his head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that the Straw Hats were ensnared in whatever trap is present on that island the moment they set foot on its shores."
Marco's scowl deepened, but for the life of him he couldn't refute his pop's words.
"
Oh, hey, there's Gappa again," Cross sneered eagerly. "
Looks like it's finally time for the last Ordeal, but Zoro and Sanji seem more concerned about our crewmates that wandered off. Eh, I suppose they do have a point: after all, more crewmates, more participants to enjoy the… wait a minute." Cross trailed off as he cocked an eyebrow. "
Hey, Gappa, are you wearing Usopp's hat?"
The Whitebeards glanced nervously at one another as they processed the turn of events.
"How long ago did Signore Sniper leave?" Vista asked quietly.
"Ten minutes, fifteen tops," Jozu provided with a grimace.
The ramifications of that estimate were left unsaid, though they were clear to all.
"
What?! Hey, that IS Usopp's hat!" Sanji barked, which was followed by the sound of something coming unstuck.
"
Ah! Give it back 'pu!"
"
You bastard… What did you do to Usopp?!" Zoro growled menacingly, which prompted the sound of retreating footsteps.
"
D-Don't worry. Your friends are still on the island 'pu. If you want to see them, try and find them 'pu."
"
Ah, so that's where everyone is, I should have suspected it," Cross stated casually, not so much as a hint of concern for his comrades present in his voice. "
Well, looks like the kid gloves have finally come off and it's time for the big beatdown. The sign for the next 'ordeal' is rising up behind the good Baron, and personally, I can't wait to see what he has planned."
"
You will learn of the fate of your comrades after the next ordeal," Omatsuri stated.
"
Don't give us that crap! Give them back!" Sanji ordered.
"
The ordeal comes first," Omatsuri repeated.
"Is this guy serious!?" Namur grunted incredulously.
"
Don't screw with us! Those guys come first!" Zoro said.
"
The ordeal will come first!" Omatsuri yelled, madness and determination suddenly blazing in his voice.
Edward Newgate clenched his jaw as he processed the raw amount of emotion that had been packed into that phrase. "I think he's more serious than you can possibly imagine…"
"
Well, the Baron is quite insistent about this… and it looks like Zoro and Sanji aren't going to stick around to play his game. HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS—? Ahhh, man, less players, less fun," Cross sighed dejectedly, petulant disappointment coloring his voice. "
Tsk, well, that's too bad. Alright, let's see what the rules are this time…"
There was an electronic hum of neon igniting, gasps of horror from Soundbite and Conis—
"
Дерьмо!"
"
Oh, my God…"
—and the sound of a hundred flintlock rifles cocking in unison.
"
Ah, it's a shooting game."
It was as though the Whitebeard Pirates, all New World veterans, had suddenly been dunked in ice water.
"Oh, yeah…" 12th Division Commander Haruta realized. "That Gappa guy… he… he said he was a gunner…"
"
There are no rules in this ordeal," the Baron announced. There was no pomp or circumstance in his voice, or even emotion at all for that matter. Merely grim determination. "
My 100 sharpshooters will hunt you. If you believe you can escape them, you can search for your crewmates or do whatever you wish."
Jozu shook his head in disbelief. "This… This isn't an ordeal, this is a fucking
execution!"
"No, this is the truth of that island when you strip away its façade," Marco grimly corrected. "Everything before was just trappings and distractions. Now… Now all that's left is its rotten core."
Everything was silent for a moment, then… "
High stakes. Sounds like fun!" Cross snickered in a near-demented manner that had Soundbite whimpering.
"'E's not gonna snap out of this any time soon, is 'e?" 7th Division Commander Rakuyo sighed in resignation.
"I sincerely hope so, matters are disturbing enough already…" Vista muttered, miserably massaging his face.
"
Luffy, what do we do?… Luffy?… LUFFY!" Nami screamed.
"
Captain, please! Do something!" Conis pleaded. "
Cross, don't just stand there! Help me!"
"
Who do you think's going down first, people?" Cross rambled on, ignoring the pleas of his friends. "
My bets are on the rookie. After all, she's still soft. Chopper's got a natural disadvantage, of course—"
"
Cross, what is wrong with you!? Please, we need help! Why is no one listening to me!?"
"
SOMEONE fucking HELP! IT'S OMATSURI ISLAND! OMATSURI ISLAND! I DON'T CARE
WHO COMES AT THIS POINT, HEEEEELP!"
"
You may begin!" Omatsuri called out.
The Moby Dick began to shudder as Whitebeard's hold on his temper finally cracked and his powers asserted themselves, waves rising on what had moments ago been a glass-calm sea.
"I may not be able to sink that island from here," he growled, his children inching away from him as his Haki started laying low even the strongest of their number. "
But I am very tempted to try."
-o-
"
I-I'm going off by myself!" Nami hissed before the sound of her running came across the speaker.
"
Nami, wait! Nami, NAMI! Nononono—L-Luffy, I'm so, so sorry, but… AGH! Cross, come on, we have to run!" Conis cried frantically.
"
What, and miss the beatdown? Are you out of your ditzy airhead mind?! I wouldn't miss this for the w—HEY! LET GO OF ME!"
"
If I have to drag you out of here to make sure you don't get gunned down because you're too preoccupied to run, then that's what I'll do! Luffy's immune to bullets, he can take care of himself. WE ARE NOT! What kind of a show will it be if we all die?!" Conis yelled.
"Better than what we're listening to right now," Gin spat as he fingered the hilts of his tonfa, an action he'd been undertaking since Sanji's blasphemous statement. "Damn it, I was involved in some depraved undertakings while I worked with Krieg, sure, but this? This just takes the
cake." He cast a sidelong look at Miss Valentine. "At a guess, I'd say this is like heaven to you?"
The ex-assassin shook her head slowly, her countenance a highly visible green. "I…I'm a sadist on the best of days, but this… I wouldn't wish this on even the worst of my enemies…" she gurgled, obviously fighting to keep her lunch down.
Mister 5 shook his head with a scowl. "I might be somewhat heartless, but even
I know that this shit isn't right…" He glanced at Bartolomeo. "Boss, what do you thi—Boss?"
'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, infamous pirate straight out of the East Blue and wanted by the Marines for a bounty just shy of a 100 Million Beris, was slumped on his hands and knees and biting into the collar of his shirt in an effort to restrain his sobs. "Da-Dab id!" he managed to choke out through his tears. "Dey're geddig ribbed abart at da seabs! Dis iz dorture, pure dorture!"
Mr. 5 cocked an eyebrow before starting to turn his head. "I can't understand jack through all that snot. Think you can translate Api—
oh, come on!" He slapped a hand to his forehead when he caught sight of the pre-adolescent and her pet dragon, who were in practically the same position. "You don't even know them personally!"
"N-No," Apis shook her head in agreement. "B-But we came r-r-really close, you know!? I-If they'd just left Loguetown a
little sooner, I-I'd have probably been saved by them instead of the captain!"
Mr. 5 opened his mouth for a biting remark, but the long pause in the audio, punctuated only by the sounds of running, distant gunshots, and Soundbite's muffled whimpering, was finally broken by Cross speaking.
"
I am… conflicted," he muttered, before restarting his commentary. "
Hmm…
alright, so we're running for our lives… possibly trying to find our crewmates in the meantime… but hey, even if it's not the beatdown, this is still good entertainment, right? And it sounds like the shooters are pretty close by now. HEY, GUYS, WE'RE OVER HERE!"
"
ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Conis screamed.
"
What? Are you saying it wouldn't be a good show if we got caught and you had to try fighting them off to save our lives? Action, suspense, violence, explosions… now, that's
entertainment!"
"
HE'S LOST IT worst than the rest of the CREW!" Soundbite finally burst out, presumably aloud. "
GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"
Watch it, you little jackass, or else I'll rip your fucking tongue—!"
Without warning, a meaty THWACK and a pained "
GAH!" sounded out over the connection.
"
Agh, my nose, what the f—! HEY! WHAT THE HELL!?"
"
I'm so sorry, Cross, I'm so sorry, I'll come back for you, I swear, I swear…" Conis babbled frantically, tears obvious in her voice.
"
HEY! GET BACK HERE, BITCH! THAT'S MY AUDIENCE! GIVE ME BACK MY AUDIENCE!"
"
Shut up! RUN faster!"
Cross' indignant voice faded into the distance, and the next few minutes were nothing but running and ragged panting, occasionally punctuated by the sound of gunshots in the distance.
Silence reigned on the
Cannibal as its crew desperately attempted to come to terms with just what the
hell had just happened.
"… So." Goldenweek finally broke the silence, her stoic demeanor still somewhat in place apart from a sheen of cold sweat on her brow. "That just happened."
"…Bastard…"
"Huh?" The painter glanced at her captain in confusion.
"BASTARD!" Bartolomeo repeated, slamming his fist into the Cannibal's railing, a good chunk of which collapsed under the force of the massive barrier that had snapped up around Black Bart's fist.
The crew reeled and stared at their captain in shock.
"B-Boss…" Gin started to stammer out.
"Bad enough that he somehow turned a maverick like Cross into a raving lunatic, bad enough that he abused the bonds of one of the greatest pirate crews to sail the Blue Seas since the Roger Pirates, bad enough that he's a
complete and total fucking monster on his own," Bartolomeo spat acridly before ramping himself up into a froth. "
But I draw the FUCKING line at reducing the great Monkey D. Luffy to being unable to do anything AS HIS CREW FALLS APART AROUND HIM!"
"The captain's right!"/"That bastard needs to burn!"/"Come on, Straw Hat, snap out of it!"/"Get your crew back!"/"Should we set a course for Omatsuri Island?" agreed the former mafia thugs that had followed Bartolomeo into piracy.
Gin glanced around at his relatively new crewmates before allowing himself a grim smile. "Well, it looks like the crew has spoken… and I can't exactly say that I'm dissatisfied with the decision."
Mr. 5 flicked his nose with a snort. "Ditto."
"Right!" Bartolomeo pumped his fist. "We'll make that Baron wish he never tried hurting the Straw Hats! Everyone, set sail for Omatsuri Island!"
Apis and Goldenweek exchanged flat looks as the rest of the Barto Club roared in agreement before Apis surreptitiously coughed into her fist. "And… which way would that be, exactly?"
The mood promptly fractured as the crew turned their heads to stare at the underage-and-apparently-underage girls.
Goldenweek and Apis gave each other another pair of flat looks. "Morons, the lot of them," Apis declared.
"They'd sink in a week without us," Goldenweek declared before pointing at the snail. "May I suggest that we keep listening in hopes of getting a hint? I suspect it won't be the most enjoyable of endeavors, but it's certainly better than sailing blind in the Grand Line."
The crew glanced at one another before slowly and sheepishly sounding out their agreements.
"Good," Goldenweek nodded before settling down in front of the snail. "Now shut up and pay attention."
On the other end of the line, the Straw Hat's gunner was panting heavily as she ran for her and Soundbite's lives. "
We… We have to keep going—AGH!" Conis choked out, followed by what sounded like her tripping. "
Owww… Sorry, Soundbite."
"
PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOUR ANKLE didn't break! I refuse to die BY STEREOTYPE!"
"
Ah… no, n-no, I'm fine. It just shocked me is a—wait. Wait, this bit of ground, it feels like…" Then came the sound of metallic hinges moving. "
A secret passage?!"
"I THOUGHT I was hearing
echoes!"
"
Where do you think it goes?"
The Transponder Snail winced as a gunshot rang out
far too close for comfort. "
WHO CARES!?"
"
Right, sorry!"
"Hmph. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have a stupidly perfect escape route show up right when they needed it most," Mr. 5 drawled.
"And you're saying that they
don't deserve a Hail Mary at this moment?" Miss Valentine demanded.
"…Point."
There was the sound of Conis sliding into the hole, and the pair were almost home free, but as the hinges started to close…
BOOM! "AAAHHHHHH!"
A gunshot, followed by a familiar voice screaming.
"
CROSS!" Soundbite and Conis exclaimed. There was silence for a few moments, and then the sound of something shifting.
"Wha—CONIS,
what are you—?"
"
He may be out of his mind, but he's still our friend and crewmate. I'm going to see if I can find him. You should be safe here, Soundbite, I'll be back."
The snail was teary-eyed, but it nodded nonetheless.
"
Good. I'll—"
Her voice was abruptly stopped by a panicked rustling of claws on stonework, a panicked cry and then…
KER-CHOW! "AH!"
A bullet's report, followed by a cry of pain. But it wasn't Conis' voice. The voice of the one who was shot then came across the line again as a whimper, followed by a kicking sound and a yelp of pain.
"
Su," Conis breathed numbly.
"Those hunters must have used her for target practice," Apis grit out.
A few seconds of silence as that sunk in, and then…
"…
Alright. That's it," Conis said, her voice lifeless.
"
C-Conis—CONIS, NO! DON'T GO ANGRY, DON'T GO ANGRY!"
The sound of a bazooka cocking came across the connection.
"
Everything burns."
What followed next was a screech of rusty hinges, a heavy slamming sound, a series of muffled explosions, and amidst all of it, the sound of Soundbite sobbing uncontrollably.
"How…
How could this happen? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY
FRIENDS?!" he wailed.
Silence reigned on the deck as the crew stared at the snail in numb shock. At least, until Miss Goldenweek slowly raised her hand.
"…I realize that this probably isn't the time," the painter started quietly. "But I'd just like to say for the record that Crocodile is probably loving the hell out of this."
-o-
"I'm surprised that you're not, as some of my more crass underlings would put it, 'loving the hell out of this', considering that the Straw Hats are the reason you're here in the first place," Magellan rumbled quizzically, his Hydras swaying high above him and perfectly poised to smite or incapacitate anyone who got too unruly, depending on their degree of importance to the World Government.
"I really don't care about that," intoned the only person in all of the Eternal Hell who had not been yelling his head off or otherwise making a racket or riot at the broadcast going on. Oddly, however, he seemed irritated. "Honestly, considering how that outrageous rookie crew has only been getting more outrageous as time goes by, I'm more inclined to hope that they win than lose."
"Oh?" Magellan glanced at him in surprise. "And why would that be?"
Crocodile scoffed as he picked up the shot glass of alcohol the warden had placed just within the bars of his cell and downed it in a single gulp, barely even grimacing as the rancid taste of vinegar hit his palate. After all, it was already leagues better than the usual food he was served. "Because so far, the brat has yet to be truly beaten. So long as Straw Hat remains undefeated, then my defeat can be interpreted not as my fault, but rather due to bad luck and a bad opponent." The ex-Warlord scowled viciously. "If someone beats the brat, then that all goes away."
Magellan raised his eyebrows. "An interesting mindset… and one that I suppose that I can understand."
The warden and the prisoner ended their conversation as they received a reprieve from Soundbite's wailing, which had been continuing on for the last several minutes, in the form of another voice coming across.
"
Ergh… will you… hurry up and quit your bellyaching, slimeball? You're… giving me tinnitus…"
"
I'm with the puffball on this one, Soundbite. Usually you're a lot more badass than this. If you're this miserable, then we really must
be screwed."
Soundbite hiccupped and gasped in shock. "
S-SU!? LASSOO!? Y-You're alive!"
"
Of—ergh!" Su's voice cut off in an agonized wince. "
Of course we are… Lassoo managed to save me from those maniacs while Conis… Conis…" The cloud fox trailed off into light sobbing, prompting Lassoo to take up the slack.
"
I grabbed Su and ran into a tunnel that was unearthed while Conis was breaking everything she could. I didn't see what happened to her, but…" The dog-gun cut himself off with a shake of his head. "
Not important because we'll save her later. For now, how come you didn't already know that I'd saved Su?"
Soundbite sniffed as he replied. "
M-MY POWERS HAVE BEEN ON THE fritz ever since
we got here. MINOR AT FIRST, NEGLIGIBLE given my range, BUT NOW… NOW I'M AS DEAF AS A MOLE."
"
Watch it."
"
IS NOW EVEN REMOTELY THE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT!?"
Lassoo winced and shook his head with a grimace. "
You of all animals should understand using snark as a coping mechanism."
"I-I-I-
I…
Y-Yeah. A-Anyway… WHAT DO WE DO NOW? I MIGHT BE BLIND,
BUT I CAN TELL THAT EVERYONE'S… everyone's gone…"
"…
tseheheh…" Su chuckled weakly. "
It's… a good thing you're not Cross, slimestain…"
"
WHAT!?"
"
No, she's right," Lassoo huffed. "
Because you're not Cross, that statement of yours wasn't a guaranteed truth. Now, come on." There was a slight scuffle of movement. "
Let's get moving."
"
Wait! Don't forget the transceiver!"
"
I think we have… more important things to worry about… than your damn show, Soundbite…"
"YEAH! LIKE MAKING SURE
NO ONE COMES TO THIS HELLHOLE without as many details as possible!"
The mammals were silent for a moment before Lassoo sighed in defeat. "
I thought I told you it was a good
thing you're not always right…" he muttered before there was another scuffle. "
Now, let's get going."
The three talking animals walked on in silence for the next minute or so, making their way through what sounded like a veritable labyrinth of tunnels and caverns. Soon enough, however, the largest of the trio paused and sniffed at the air. "
Wait a second…"
"
Don't tell me…" Su winced. "
The baron's goons?"
"
No, they smell like… well, you know. No, this person smells like toothpaste and mustache gel."
"I am so glad I'm not a Zoan," Magellan muttered.
"I'll drink to that," Crocodile agreed as he held his shot glass up and shook it slightly.
"Yeah, yeah, I get the message…"
"
Eh? Did I just hear somethi—WAH!" an older man's voice suddenly yelped in shock.
"
Who are you and why should I not
turn you into fucking brisket?" Lassoo snarled viciously
"
Eh—? W-Wait, WAIT, LASSOO, WAIT, I RECOGNIZE HIM!" Soundbite hastily spoke up. "HE…
He's the OLD MAN FROM BEFORE! TH-THE ONE WHO
GOT ALL HOPEFUL AFTER WE won the GOLDFISH
contest!"
"
Wha—? How could you—no, never mind," the old man promptly pivoted. "
The explanation is 'Devil Fruit', that's all I need to know."
"Someone who's actually smart enough to realize that, go figure," Crocodile deadpanned.
"
Hmph. Well, whatever and whoever you all are, I'm glad to see you somehow managed to escape the massacre. Here, why don't you come with me? I saved your captain from the Baron, I'll take you to him."
"
LUFFY'S SAFE?!" all three of the animals roared.
"
I… actually didn't catch his name, but if you mean the stubborn boy in the straw hat, then yes, that's him. It was a close thing, but he somehow managed to escape the Baron's onslaught, so I snuck him into my base of operations. Follow me, it's this way."
"I wonder how he survived long enough to build a base of operations," Crocodile mused. "A feat like that is as impressive as there being a secret base in a place like thi—
ERK!" The ex-Warlord's muscles suddenly locked up and were set ablaze without warning.
Magellan scowled at the prisoner as he rolled another minute blob of venom between his fingers. "Watch your tongue, inmate, lest my next shot rot it out of you."
"
Grgrggghhh…" Crocodile snarled out murderously.
-o-
Sengoku would never admit it, but seeing the state Garp was in when he barged into the office again, his students and Akainu behind him, made him wish that he was putting on his usual show of laughing at the SBS. Or, at least, that the SBS was putting on its normal laughter-provoking performance instead of the horror show that was currently being shown the world over.
"Call an assembly, Sengoku," Garp growled out without so much as a hint of preamble.
"What did you find out, Garp?" Sengoku asked, though given Garp's seriousness the question was probably just a formality.
"
Luffy!"/"Captain!"/"
Luffy!"
Before Garp could speak, he was interrupted by a trio of voices crying out, as well as a single pained and tired one groaning as its owner came to again.
"
What the—Soundbite?! Su, Lassoo, you guys are safe too! That's great! Ah, wait, where am I? Where are we?
And where's everyone else!?"
"
Welcome to my secret base!" came the old man's jovial voice. "
It's been so long since I had guests. Do you like goat's milk?"
A goat was heard bleating on the other end of the broadcast, to which Gruffy raised his head and bleated as well.
"Goats," Akainu muttered. "Why does it have to be
goats…"
"It's a perfectly sensible choice for a pet," Sengoku retorted.
"I beg to diff—!"
"That's a point I'm
entirely willing to defend,
Sakazuki." The last words were said with a flash of golden aura.
"… Withdrawn," Sakazuki ultimately whispered, which managed to elicit a slight smirk from Garp, even in spite of the situation.
"
Hey, slimeball, you're not going to bother translating?"
"
My head's ringing from KEEPING YOU TWO comprehensible.
I'M NOT GONNA RALPH FOR THE SAKE of a total stranger!"
"
Guys, what's going on? Who is this guy?"
"
Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't introduce myself. My name is Brief, Captain of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates."
The entire room gave the snail a flat look.
"And I thought that the Alvida Pirates had a stupid name…" Coby muttered.
Akainu snapped a glare at the Petty Officer as he amped up the temperature in the room. "And you aren't down in the Archives digging up anything we have on him and his crew…
why, exactly?"
The space Coby was occupying promptly vacated itself.
"That's what I thought."
"
I'm actually in the middle of recruiting right now, but your captain turned down my invitation to join me. Maybe you feel differently?"
"
Why are we UNDERGROUND?" Soundbite asked, ignoring the question entirely.
"
Come on, at least acknowledge the request!" Brief protested weakly before sighing in defeat. "
Ergh, never mind… anyways, to answer your question, we're underground because it's the only place safe from those lunatics up above. I've dug trapdoors and tunnels all over the island so that I can escape from the Baron's vile clutches whenever I need to. I'm impressed that you found one."
"
Actually, we didn't so much find it as ONE OF OUR CREWMATES TRIPPED OVER IT."
There was a brief silence, followed by an exasperated chuckle. "
Well, your crew certainly isn't short on dumb luck."
"
No, no, we're not," Lassoo deadpanned. "
And going back a bit, from what you said about the Baron's clutches, I'm guessing you have experience with the bastard. Care to share?"
There was another pause, this one much more tense, and then Brief's sigh came from the other end, followed by footsteps.
"
This is my crew," Brief said, presumably holding out a picture.
"BACK!" Coby gasped as he Shaved back into the room, panting heavily as he held up a folder for his superiors to see. "Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, captain-only bounty of ฿35 million, got it for basically wandering into a restricted nature preserve and causing a commotion when he tried to collect samples from the local wildlife. They were an exploration-only crew about a decade ago. Their membership numbered upwards of three dozen!"
"That's almost twice as big as Straw Hat's crew," Helmeppo noted.
"
They all have the same snot under their noses," Luffy remarked.
"…They also had a very distinctive look," Coby finished lamely.
"
IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH MUSTACHE!" Brief snapped.
"
So, the Hitler-stache BELONGS TO a good guy," Soundbite muttered.
"
What was that, snail?" Brief asked irritably.
"
I SAID, where are they?" the snail asked without missing a beat.
"…
I'm alone now," Brief sighed, as much to himself as Soundbite (and by extension, the world). "
I'm currently the only member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates still alive."
An uncomfortable silence fell before Brief spoke again.
"
I still remember it clearly. The day the Baron attacked my precious crew. The day my friends were swallowed by that gigantic monster—"
"MONSTER?!" chorused the three animals.
"
Didn't I warn you that the Baron destroys crews?"
"
He's going to kill them?!" Luffy roared.
"
The first step is already done; the Baron and his crew are well-practiced in sowing discord and hate among even the closest friends. I can only imagine that he works his mysterious powers into it."
"Of course they're under a spell," Garp growled as he kneaded his forehead. "Why
wouldn't my idiot grandson's crew be under a goddamn spell!?" He promptly snapped a finger and a glare at his now-frozen apprentices. "Not a word outside this office or I'll put you on shit duty until you earn your coats,
and even then."
Coby and Helmeppo promptly snapped into shaky salutes. "Y-Y-YES, VICE ADMIRAL, SIR!"
Sengoku's lip twitched slightly at the display.
"
The Baron told me something. He said, 'When I see a crew of friends like yours, anger fills my chest. I want to separate you. I want you to experience the same kind of pain I have.'"
"
The same pain?" Luffy repeated.
"
I don't know what his true intentions are, but—"
"
B-B-BRIEF? Wh-what KIND OF monster
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"…
All this time, and finally someone actually asks? Well, if you choose to fight, you should know this… but it's quite the disturbing situation."
"
TELL US!"
The Fleet Admiral stared at the snail for a second longer before schooling his expression into a thoroughly disapproving scowl. "Aside from your familial ties and the… rather disturbing going-ons being broadcast, Garp, what exactly makes you think that this is worth calling an assemblage over?"
Garp scowled back as he slammed the archive records he had in his hand onto the poor, abused desk. "Baron Omatsuri. Captain of the Red Arrow Pirates, a crew that was last heard from twenty-four years ago. They were a New-World grade crew who rubbed shoulders with the likes of Whitebeard and Roger back in the day, though I doubt that mustached bastard actually remembers him."
Sengoku eyed the pile curiously before glancing at Garp. "It seems like you had a hard time recalling him as well."
Garp snatched up a paper and shoved it in his superior's face. "That's because they were thought to be
dead after a Category 10
hypercane threw them and their ship over the Red Line!
Nobody should have been able to survive something like that!"
"Well, clearly they did!" Sengoku scoffed.
Garp's eyes narrowed menacingly. "See, that's the thing. I ran into them once back in the day, got a look at their crew. And considering how long it's been since that day…" Garp's scowl deepened. "I actually
don't think that anyone survived but Omatsuri."
The strange statement brought Sengoku up short. "What are you—?"
"
The Lily Carnation is a man-eating plant; the Baron calls it 'the flower of death and rebirth'."
All sound in the office absolutely
died at Brief's words.
Brief continued in a lifeless tone. "
It resembles a stem more than anything else, an enormous construct bigger than a warship at the top of the island, and it's there that the Baron gathers the pirates he and his crew hunt down. It… It uses tendrils… to absorb them into the stem, and… and…" The pirate… the
ex-pirate choked off into sobs.
There was a brief moment of silence before Su suddenly choked in horror. "
Oh… Oh, God, no…" She glanced down, presumably at Lassoo. "
Y-You don't think that—?"
"
I have seen messed up shit, I have smelled messed up shit and I have done
messed up shit…" Lassoo breathed before shaking his head. "
Never anything like this. Not on this scale."
"
Eh?" Luffy looked around at his non-human crewmates in confusion. "
What are you guys talking about?"
"
N-N-Now I get it," Soundbite breathed softly, apparently not having heard Luffy. "
Something about ALL OF THOSE SPROUT HEADS
felt OFF. LIKE they were THERE
but not there."
"
What?" asked Brief and Luffy.
"
The pain he felt… THE FLOWER OF DEATH AND REBIRTH… AND
MUCHIGORO'S SHRIVELING!" The snail's expression slowly twisted in horror. "
Fake… it's all FAKE! T-THIS ISLAND, ITS INHABITANTS, THEY'RE ILLUSIONS THE BARON IS USING TO STAVE OFF REALITY! PLANTS
made to look like PEOPLE! AND OTHER PIRATES ARE THE FUEL THAT KEEPS IT GOING!"
The silence in Sengoku's office following that particular revelation was absolutely stunning.
"Permission to faint on the spot, sir?" Coby whispered with a slight gurgle to his voice.
"Ditto…" Helmeppo nodded slightly in agreement.
"Granted," Akainu grunted.
The East Bluers neither hesitated nor waited to comply.
Garp slowly tore his gaze away from the snail to stare at his superior officer. "Well?" he asked frigidly.
Sengoku met his gaze for a minute before looking up at Akainu. "Send word to Kizaru and Aokiji that they are to meet with us in Conference Room B3." He stood up and started marching towards the door to his office.
"We're going to need as many Golden Transponder Snails as we can get our hands on."
-o-
"…
That's an insane theory, but it would explain a lot," Brief finally admitted. "
In my early days, I tried sniping down his crew, but even headshots didn't faze them! But… they seemed confused more than anything. It's possible that they don't even know about it, even if the Baron does. And now that I think about it, I've been on this island for about ten years now, and the Baron's comrades don't seem to have aged even a day."
"Wh-What fresh hell did this monster crawl out of?!"
Absalom turned a bemused look on his horrified colleague. "What are you getting so worked up about? You make
zombies for a living—"
"THAT'S PRECISELY THE POINT, ABSALOM!" Hogback shrieked, sounding a few millimeters away from a heart attack. "I am an
expert at the practice of necromancy! I am
intimately familiar with the complexities involved in returning an individual from the great beyond! Body chemistry, stability of tissue and psyche! It takes me
days to complete even a single marionette, and even after that they require constant upkeep in order to keep their rotting flesh viable!"
Thriller Bark's mad doctor slowly turned his horrified gaze back to the snail in the room. "To be able to create and somehow
control what I count as at
minimum over a hundred individuals that so perfectly mimic life that none have any suspicions whatsoever, with the sole drawback being nutrition!?" He shook his head slowly. "There are no
possible words that could express just how utterly terrifying that monster is on a scientific level."
"AND NOW I
GET WHY I feel so off, too! If that thing is huge and controlling THE WHOLE ISLAND,
ITS roots must be sucking up SEAWATER! THE AIR IT'S PUMPING OUT IS FULL
of salt!" Soundbite grimaced.
"
And that explains the smell, too…" Su gulped.
"
The whole reason we left the resort and went out to explore more of the island was because the staff reeked of plants. And not just 'farmer or botanist' reek either, that we can handle, that's
normal. I mean, they innately smelled like rotting plants. Just… disturbing," Lassoo whined.
"Recreated without even knowing that they died… not even aware that they're not even alive," Moria growled, steadily crushing the armrests of his chair beneath his grip. Such horrors, such…
monstrosity… The Master of Thriller Bark had committed innumerable acts of evil over his tenure as Warlord, but not even he could fathom the depths to which the man calling himself 'Omatsuri' had fallen, or the levels of madness and despair it would have taken to push him so far.
Suddenly, all attention in the room was diverted by the sound of the door slowly creaking open, admitting the corporeal body of the fourth of the Mysterious Four.
"Perona?" Absalom remarked in surprise. "Huh, I thought it was too quiet. What are you—?" Whatever snide remark the beast-man had up his sleeve died when he noticed the dead look in his comrade's eyes and the desperate way she was squeezing the undead life out of an oddly compliant Bearsy. "Perona? What's wrong?"
"He invited us…" the goth-lolita breathed numbly. "That kappa kid… he invited everyone for a
feast…"
Before any of the Four could ask what she meant, Brief hummed thoughtfully over the connection. "
If the Baron's purpose is to keep them all alive, that would explain everything. Everyone he keeps inviting to the island is just more food for his crew's reincarnation."
"
CROSS AND THE OTHERS ARE GONNA BE EATEN?!" Soundbite bellowed.
"
That's not going to happen!" Luffy snapped. "
Thanks for your help, Brief, but I've got a bastard's ass to kick."
"
Straw Hat, you can't face him alone!" Brief shouted, panic coloring his voice.
"
Which is why he won't be alone!" Lassoo barked.
"
YEAH, we're with him all the way!" Soundbite snarled in agreement.
"
Heh, see? I'm not alone, I've got my—!" Luffy's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted facial expression went slack.
"
Eh?" Su blinked in confusion. "
Luffy? You alright, rubber—"
"
I'm going," Luffy cut in with grim finality. "
You guys wait here."
"
Wha—Straw Hat, what did I just—?"
There was the sound of something heavy being moved.
"
Behind the bookcase. WHAT A CLICHÉ," Soundbite muttered.
"
It was getting drafty in here, sue me! And Straw Hat waiiiaaaaand he's gone."
"
Yeah, he does that," Lassoo sighed.
"
And so are we, for that matter!"
"
MUSH, dog-breath, mush!"
"
Wha—!? GET BACK HERE!"
Absalom took advantage of the lull in the broadcast to give Perona a confused look. "Yes, that bit was disturbing, yes, but what does that have to do with—?"
"It wasn't the kappa-kid who said it…" Perona whispered, slowly tightening her grip on the
very still Bearsy. "I-I-It was that
thing… i-it's intelligent… a-and it's
words…"
The male members of the Four started to look at one another…
"It said…"
When they were halted by Bearsy's gravelly voice, which Perona said nothing about.
"That flower invited the world to come to its world and
take part in a great feast…" the zombie bear whispered.
The men took a few moments to process that statement, and then they reacted appropriately: Hogback started babbling incoherently and sweating like a pig, Absalom retreated to a corner of the room before he began emptying his guts out, and Moria's bone-white complexion flushed in horrified outrage.
"Just what kind of a monster are we dealing with…?" the Warlord breathed.
-o-
[SQUAD SEVEN, REPORT!]
[NO LUCK, SIR! WE INTERROGATED A BAND OF FISHMEN WE FOUND, BUT THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF OMATSURI ISLAND, THEY'VE BEEN SUBMERGED SINCE THE BROADCAST STARTED!]
[DAMN IT!] Captain-nee-Chief Dugong snarled as he slammed his balled flippers onto the railing of his ship, causing the semi-rotten wood to crack as a result. [THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WAITING UP HERE, HUH?! OUR MEN AND ALLIES ARE IN DANGER, DAMMIT, GET BACK DOWN THERE AND DON'T COME UP UNTIL YOU HAVE SOMETHING
CORAL, GOT IT!?]
[SIR, YES, SIR!] the dugongs in the water barked before diving back under.
Captain Dugong snorted as he watched bubbles trail up from where the squad had dived before turning around and starting to pace back and forth across the deck. [Come on, come on…]
[Easy, Captain, easy…] a... relatively calm voice prompted.
The Captain huffed in annoyance and glanced to the side. [First Mate Dugong.]
The new second-in-command of the Dugong tribe ignored his captain's frigid tone, instead choosing to continue giving his leader a firm and steady look. [I know you're worried about Boss and his boys, Captain, we all are, but you need to remember
why you let them go after they volunteered in the first place,] he chided. [Those five are the strongest in the whole tribe, ranking right below you and me, and I know that
I sure never looked forward to sparring with Boss on account of how he was always
just a few blows away from beating my ass into the ground. Soundbite might've lost track of them earlier, but he lost track of 'em after they went in the
water. You know, where we're strongest?] He allowed himself a smile he
knew looked more confident than he actually felt. [There's no reason to worry. They're completely
fine. I… I as close to guarantee it as I can.]
Captain was silent for the longest time as he contemplated the reassurance. Eventually, he started to turn his head towards his second—
[SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!]
[CONNECT THAT THING TO A SPEAKER, NOW!] Captain Dugong roared, snapping his flipper at the Dugong standing watch over the Transponder Snail they'd set up on a dried part of the deck.
After a brief scramble, the unmistakable sound of a skull knocking against metal sounded out for all the listening Dugongs to hear. "
Damn! Bastard! Makes! These! Things! Solid! Where's! The! Damn! LATCH!?"
"
No clue, JUST KEEP HAMMERING!"
"
There you are, you persistent—!" Brief's voice suddenly sounded out before cutting out in an exasperated snort. "
Ergh, enough! If you three are so eager on dying, so be it! Just don't haunt me once you reach the other side." There was a click of a mechanism releasing, followed by the smash of a trap door swinging open. "
STRAW HAT!" Brief yelled as he opened the trapdoor.
"
LUFFY!" a trio of voices concurred.
"
WAGH! WHO ARE YOU?" came another older man's voice.
"
WHAT THE—WHO ARE
YOU?"
"
THE SNAIL IS TALKING?!" said the older man, along with a young woman and a boy.
"
There are other real people HERE?"
"
Oh, it's these guys again," Lassoo noted in mild surprise. "
The Teacup Pirates, right?"
"
Tearoom
Pirates,
Howlitzer," Su corrected. "
Rose, Rick, Daisy, and Papa. We ran into them earlier with Chopper; slimeball stopped translating for us about halfway through, but we heard enough while we were there. They're hardly pirates at all, in my opinio—ACK!" Su's words were suddenly cut off in a yelp of terror.
"
What the hell
is that!?" Lassoo snarled in equal parts rebellious defiance and terror.
"…
Brief was right… THE THING'S A GIANT
FLOWER STALK," Soundbite mumbled in an utterly terrified voice.
"
But… where's its head?" Su whimpered.
"
Old man."
But those two calm, quiet words froze all who were listening. Luffy's voice continued in the same apparently calm tone.
"
I have two things to tell you. First, the Dugongs, Su, Lassoo, Soundbite, and Chopper aren't my pets, they're my friends. And second…" The look in the Transponder Snail's eye suddenly became downright murderous. "
I'll never let you hurt my friends."
There was a tense pause in which it became clear who Luffy was talking to. And then the recipient's voice came across.
"…
You'll never let me hurt them?" the Baron sneered after a tense pause. "
If you count your pets as your friends, you have nineteen in your crew, correct?"
Luffy's eyes narrowed menacingly. "
What about it?"
Soundbite suddenly tensed in horror. "
Oh, no…"
"
In the time it took you to arrive…" A vile,
sickening grin extended across the Baron's face. "
That number has been reduced to fourteen."
The words hit Captain Dugong like a physical blow, causing him to stagger back in dull shock.
[C-Captain!?] one of his subordinates yelped.
[Five…] Captain whispered in a horrified tone of voice. [Fourteen is five less than nineteen...]
First Mate Dugong was shaking his head in desperate denial. [I-It's not possible,
it's not possible!]
Going by Luffy's suddenly pole-axed expression, the dugong's sentiment was a shared one. "
Wha… What did you say?" he breathed in a tone of voice that straddled the borderline of paralyzing horror and apoplectic rage.
"
That band of amphibious animals you had with you when you first arrived," the Baron explained in a tone that could have been conversational, if not for the sheer amount of pleasure he was taking from Luffy's reactions. "
Lily ensnared them in her roots when they decided to explore the bay. Their shells made it difficult for her to digest them at first…" The madman's grin somehow widened even further, all teeth and no mirth. "
But she managed it shortly before you arrived. And now… the rest of your crew will soon join them."
First Mate Dugong barely managed to catch himself from toppling forwards, staring down at the deck in numb shock. [H-He… that bastard actually…
th-they're—!]
[RAAAAAAGH!]
SMASH!
KEE-RASH!"
All attention on the galleon snapped over to the now-collapsed mizen-mast, where Captain Dugong's fist was embedded in the shattered remains of the wooden pillar.
[SOMEONE FIND ME THAT GODS-BE-DAMNED ISLAND RIGHT THE HELL NOW!] he howled, both at his crew and the heavens themselves. [FIND ME IT SO THAT I CAN RIP THAT FUCKING BASTARD'S SKULL OUT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
AND CRUSH IT WITH MY OWN BARE FLIPPERS!]
[SIR, YES, SIR!] the rest of the crew roared back with nigh-religious fervor.
-o-
"
You… You BASTARD!" Luffy roared at the top of his lungs, his voice sounding more like an animal's than a human's.
"Yeah, get him, Straw Hat!" Kureha cheered as she pumped her fist with
far more enthusiasm than anyone her age had the right to possess.
"
You said you won't let me harm them, didn't you?" the Baron chuckled, as though he were observing the greatest show in the world. "
You'll never let me hurt them…" He chuckled again, and then burst out laughing. He kept on laughing even as Luffy reacted.
"
You… YOU'RE DEAD!" Luffy roared. "
GUM-GUM—!"
A whistling sound interrupted his attack, and the sound of rubber striking something hard and a grunt of pain rang out.
"
One arrow," the Baron gloated.
"LUFFY!
That bastard nailed his hand TO A ROCK WITH AN ARROW!"
"Damn, that's not good…" Dalton winced as he rubbed the spots on his shoulders where his ex-comrade had perforated him a few months prior.
"Tsk. This complicates matters…" Kureha growled to herself as she stroked her chin. "Assuming that he's in a bad enough position, he might not have the leverage needed to break the rock, and even then, if it's really a through-and-through, extraction's gonna be a real pain in the—!"
"
What happened to that determined spirit, hm?" Omatsuri sneered viciously. "
Ah, and by the way? While you struggle in vain, another one of your friends is disappearing. Another of your pets, the one you called a doctor, I believe?"
"
S-STOP IT! CHOPPER!"
Kureha promptly froze mid-sentence, her mind just... just
stalling as it tried to parse the words it had just heard. The witch doctor slowly blinked as she stared at the snail, her brain attempting to reboot.
"…eh?"
-o-
"
Now then, I wonder… Who will be next?"
"YOU'LL
BE NEXT, YOU WANNA-BE NECROMANCER! Suck it: GASTRO-PHO—YIPE! GRRGH!"
"Whoa!" Kamakiri reeled back in shock when the Transponder Snail suddenly locked its jaws so that they were only slightly open. "What the heck!?"
"
What do you think you're doing!?" Su's incredulous voice managed through the snail's teeth. "
Spit that arrow out and get that bastard puking!"
"It appears that Soundbite only narrowly missed becoming a kebab…" Laki shuddered fearfully, her hand continuing to stroke Aisa's hair. Ever since the broadcast had emerged from its underground location, the young oracle had been on her knees, clutching her head in agony as she moaned about 'screaming voices'.
She was also taking the time to watch over Pagaya's own insensate form. The Strawhat gunner's father had come over several hours ago in order to join the Shandians in listening to his daughter's adventure on the SBS… but soon after matters had started devolving, Wiper had laid him out on the ground with a well-placed fist to his skull. The Berserker had stated that he'd done it so that he would be spared the old man's whining… but all present agreed that Pagaya's current state was favorable to listening to the ongoing hell the world was being treated to.
"But why hasn't he spit it out yet like the fox suggested?" Wiper said, narrowing his eyes.
"
I can't!" Soundbite mumbled out through his clenched teeth. "
Thish thing… IT'S STILL PUSHING! I 'ET GO,
I DIE!"
"
I took great pride in my archery skills back in the day, and Lily has only aided me since," the Baron smugly informed them. "
Now, where were we… ah, yes. It would seem Lily has chosen the angel next."
"
CONIS!" Luffy yelled. "
GUM-GUM—!"
Another whistling sound. Another thudding of rubber against stone.
"
Two arrows."
"
NOOOO!" Su screamed desperately.
Laki's nails broke the skin on her palms as Aisa redoubled the pressure she was putting on her ears, shaking her head in desperate denial. Beside her, Kamakiri was shaking in barely suppressed rage, and Wiper…
"You defeated a
god, Straw Hat," Wiper growled, glaring daggers at the snail. "Don't lose to a mere
demon."
-o-
"
YOU MONSTER!" Su roared. "
I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!"
There was a scrabbling of claws on stone and soil and then a whistling sound that heralded yet
another arrow. A whistling that actually continued for a bit. "
HA! NOT SO GOOD AT HITTING MOVING TARGETS
, ARE Y—?" THUNK! "
AAAARGHHH!"
Su's shriek of agony wailed out of the snail, and was swiftly followed by the crack of an arrow entering into stone.
"
As I said, I take great pride in my archery," the Baron drawled before glancing back to Luffy.
The dinner rush had long since stopped eating, the patrons paying rapt attention to the snail and its horrific broadcast.
"Damn damn damn!" Carne swore, his teeth wearing his nails down to nubs. "The suspense is fucking killing me! Who's gonna bite it next!?"
"Tsk, calm down, pintsize!" Patty waved a hand with a careless grin. "Come on, I know it looks bleak now, but this ain't the end! All they have to do is keep fighting and they'll pull through, so there's absolutely no reason to—!"
"
It would appear that your cook is the next one destined to disappear."
"
SANJI!"
"NO!" Patty slammed his palms on either side of the Transponder Snail, glaring at it with all the heat he could muster. "DAMN IT, SANJI, FIGHT! DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T GIVE IN! SHOW THE WORLD THE PRIDE OF THE BARATIE!"
Zeff, meanwhile, stole away into the kitchen, striving with all his might not to sink to his knees or let his tears fall into his cooking.
-o-
"
Ah, it appears that the dark-haired woman is the next to go. Perhaps she'll be happy being a part of Lily, if she likes flowers so much."
"
ROBIN!" Luffy cried desperately.
"
LET HER GO!" Lassoo howled, snarling as he opened his jaws wide. "
CANI—!"
The Marines listening winced as a thunk followed by an agonized-yet-muffled howl sounded over the line.
"
Heel," the Baron sneered.
"
H-HE NAILED HIM RIGH' THROUGH the jaws!" Soundbite winced.
Several of the Marines listening subconsciously raised their hands to their own jaws, while in the back of the room Aokiji paused as he realized that Soundbite had failed to blur a name. He considered making a note of it, but ultimately decided to bow his head in shame instead.
-o-
"
And there goes the loud-mouth," the Baron purred, clearly relishing the screams of agony that resulted from all of those present.
"
CROOOOOOSS!" Soundbite howled in misery, drowning out Luffy's own cry.
Pinky and the Brain shook with ill-repressed terror as they relayed the broadcast. The broadcast itself was scary enough, sure, but it wasn't the primary source of their fear. After all, compared to the vessel they were on…
If anyone doubted that ships could love their crews, the sight of the Going Merry
trembling with agony, screams breathing out of every timber, would silence those doubts forever. Her sails and lines flapped in an unseen breeze, her hull creaked and groaned—and in the dining room where the snails were set up, the translucent form of a young girl in a rain poncho clenched her fists, tears streaming from her eyes.
"No!" Merry yelled, her voice trembling from the raw emotion. "It can't end like this! It can't! You—You promised that we'd sail the seas together!" Against her own volition, her mind flashed back to a stone altar, a man with a lance of fire riding a bird… and just the wrong lurch, and the sickening crack that followed. Merry shuddered as a bolt of agony tore through her back as she clutched the sides of her head in despair. "Fucking
shit! I'm your ship! I'm supposed to protect you all! And I can't… I can't…"
She took a deep breath, threw her head back and
roared. "LUFFY! KICK ITS ASS! SAVE THEM FOR ME!"
-o-
"
If you don't hurry, there won't be anyone left."
"
STOP IT! GUM-GUM—!"
Once again, an arrow pinned his limb to a rock. And this time, there was the sound of knees hitting the ground.
"
Since you can't see, I'll tell you: the man with the phallic nose has just died."
"
USOPP!"
Merry sorely wished he'd had the foresight to spike his tea with sleeping pills as soon as he received the accurate inkling that this broadcast was going to be a complete nightmare, back when that kappa… or rather, the demon
behind the kappa had put on its terrifying display.
As it was, his mistress and the three heirs to Usopp's task of rousing the village were staring at the snail in abject horror, tears and mucus streaming down their faces. Not that he was any better. All he could do at that moment was hope beyond all hope that Luffy would be able to pull off another miracle.
Because if he couldn't, he wasn't sure his mistress would recover this time.
-o-
"
What will you do? Will you fight me with just your left leg?"
"
GUM-GUM—!"
A fourth arrow. All of his limbs were pinned now.
"
The other two women and the bird have just disappeared."
"
VIVI! CARUE! NAMI!" Luffy cried.
In two different parts of the world, two fathers, one surrogate but both genuine, suffered heart attacks in response to the broadcast.
-o-
"
You can no longer move in that state," the Baron taunted over the sounds of Luffy struggling on the ground. "
The very last of your friends is starting to fade away."
"
ZORO!" Luffy screamed. A sound of tearing fabric came across the connection amidst Luffy's cries. Then—
"
LUFFY! IF THOSE ARROWS HIT HIS NECK,
HE'S—"
From what little the listeners could tell, the Baron, for the first time since the broadcast started, seemed taken aback. But judging from the whistling sounds that followed, it didn't last long before he pulled himself together and started to fire more arrows at Luffy. A few distinct sounds made it clear that they scraped past their mark, but this time, the Baron was
definitely taken aback as Luffy continued yelling and stretching forwards.
"
ZOOOOROOOOOOOO!"
The expression that the snail was wearing was horrible beyond words: gaping, but out of pure horror and despair rather than righteous anger. It lasted for a few seconds, tears flying out of his eyes, before the sound of Luffy's elongated neck retracting and slamming into the stone imprisoning him came rang out.
The sound of stone breaking then came from two different directions. The snail was expected. But on the recipients' end of the broadcast, all eyes snapped to a certain grave marker, which had suddenly gained a ragged crack.
-o-
"Turn up the volume."
Squardo and Whitey exchanged nervous glances from the safety of a hill several hundred meters away. As bad as the broadcast was, the potent combination of Haki and fire rolling off of Ace was
worse. Not only were they sweating like a couple of stuck pigs, they had to constantly fight the urge to either flee or faint, with both options all but guaranteeing their deaths by way of barbeque. How their Transponder Snail was still conscious was a mystery of the universe, though the flecks of foam coming from the corners of its mouth hinted that it actually
wasn't.
"I-It's as high as it goes, Ace!" Squardo called out.
"
Turn. Up. The volume," Ace snarled, the temperature ratcheting up another few hundred degrees, the soil around his feet beginning to
melt. "
Because that broadcast is the only thing keeping me from stealing one of your ships and going to BURN THAT FUCKING ISLAND TO ASH."
"Ace, please, be reasonable!" Whitey pleaded.
"Yeah!" Squardo nodded furiously in agreement. "I know that the outlook is bleak, but—!"
"
Straw Hat."
The subordinate captains paled in terror as the Baron started speaking again, only this time dripping with liquid hate.
"
Your swordsman is dead. Your pets will soon join him. You have no friends left. You are utterly alone on the vast Grand Line."
"…
Alone?"
Whitey and Squardo both flinched, their hearts breaking at the sheer despair in Luffy's voice. It was all the opening needed.
"THAT'S IT! HE DIES
NOW!"
Their
bowels, meanwhile, nearly voided themselves due to the literally
apoplectic fury in Ace's face.
The fireman prepared to shoot into the air, only for the two other captains to fall on him with all the speed of New World veterans, Whitey gritting her teeth at the sound of sizzling flesh in spite of her pumping as much Haki into her clothes as she could. Acting fast, she snapped a cuff of sea prism stone on the commander's arm.
"
LET ME GO!" Ace roared as he flailed beneath his friends, almost managing to buck them off through sheer muscle power alone. "
THAT THING WANTS A FEAST?! I'LL GIVE IT A BARBECUE FIT FOR THE OARS JR. PIRATES!"
"Damn it, Ace, stop!" Squardo pleaded. "You won't make it in time! And what if that thing snares you, too?"
"
I OFFICIALLY DO NOT CARE!"
Squardo shivered as he felt himself come
that close to passing out before steeling his will and redoubling his grip on the Commander. "For the love of god, Ace, stop and think for a
second! What happened to your faith in your brother?!"
To his credit, the swordsman only flinched when Ace turned his gaze on him. Despite the suppression of his fire, he swore that Ace almost incinerated him anyway. "What."
"Luffy's still there, still fighting!" Whitey hastily cut in as she caught on to Squardo's line of thinking. "If he falls, then you can go burn that thing to ashes! We'll help, hell,
Pops will probably help! But until then, have faith, the same faith that let you two both go out to sea in the first place to find your own paths! Because if you save Luffy right now…" Whitey's voice fell into a desperate whisper. "Then he might not ever forgive you."
There was an audible sound of grinding teeth, and then Ace sat back down onto the ground, his face grim. "Fine," he ground out. "Now, take off this stupid bracelet!"
"Yeah, thanks but no thanks. We'd rather
not get melted," Squardo drawled, holding up a sweating, red-faced and foam-coughing Transponder Snail.
Ace at least had the good grace to blush at that.
-o-
"Ow, ow ow, ow—
ARGH! DAMN IT, SISTER, I'M HURTING JUST AS MUCH AS YOU ARE, BUT WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING!"
"Will you please be
quiet, Sonia?" Marigold groused irritably. "In case you've forgotten, we're much louder in our hybrid forms!"
"QUIET!?" Sandersonia snapped a disbelieving stare at her sister before gesturing at her seething and squirming coils. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to restrain one of the
Warlords of the fucking Sea here! A Warlord, I might add,
who kicks like a Sea King and is hitting a burn I got on our last outing!" She directed the last bit at her elder sister. "I'm going to be sporting bruises for weeks on end once this is done!"
"And you think that this is
easy!?" Marigold scoffed as she gestured at the half-conscious Transponder Snail she was holding in her palm. "You only need to worry about keeping yourself conscious, whereas if
I slip up even once, our Transponder Snail will go under and then we'll
really be in trouble!"
"Yeah, well—!" Sandersonia started to snap back before pausing as a new sound started coming across the connection.
It had been silent following the Baron's declaration to Luffy, aside from Soundbite, Su, and Lassoo all whimpering quietly. But the new sound… it sounded joyful, celebratory… like a party. Like the one that had drawn the Straw Hats to the island in the first place.
"They're alive again…
and they have no idea that anything happened…" Marigold whispered in horror.
At that moment, the only thing worse than their older sister blowing her top happened: her struggles and Haki both cut out instantly. The two serpent-sisters exchanged confused looks before Sandersonia
slowly uncoiled her tail enough to reveal their sister's face.
And the look in her eyes promptly caused Sandersonia to snap back to her human form and grab Hancock's shoulders before she could collapse lifelessly to the ground. "She's gone back, she's gone back,
why has she gone back!?" the largest of the siblings babbled desperately.
"I-I don't…" Marigold started to shake her head in denial, but then froze and started to slowly look down at the snail, sickening comprehension dawning in her mind. "Oh… oh no… th-the sound of cheering… at someone else's
pain—!"
Sandersonia's eyes widened in comprehension. They then started widening even
further as mortal terror steadily crept into them. "I-I-I think… I think
I'm hearing it too…" she mumbled in horror, sinking to her knees.
Marigold's affinity for Armament Haki ensured that she had more composure in regards to the hellish memories of their past. But that did little to help calm her two sisters, or to change the fact that those memories were described as hellish for a
damn good reason. So, before she herself could break down, Marigold fell back on the fail-safe they had long since devised for just such a situation, snapping her fingers to her lips and blowing out a harsh whistle.
In a blur of red and white, Salome dove down from where he'd been perched in the rafters and struck swiftly and decisively, sinking his fangs first into Marigold's shoulders, then Sandersonia's. Mari grit her teeth while Sonia cried out in pain. She snapped upright, snarling briefly before exhaling sharply and nodding her thanks to the giant serpent, who then moved towards his mistress. It wasn't so simple for her; a harsh reminder of reality was enough for the snake Zoans, but considering the abuse that the Love-Love Fruit had invited… if anything, all that that treatment would do was aggravate the situation, rather than alleviate.
And so it was that the three serpents embraced Hancock, doing their best to reassure her that she wasn't alone...
"
M-My friends… give them—!"
Even as miles away, one Straw Hat Luffy continued suffering through his own nightmare.
-o-
A sound that the viewers easily identified as stomping on someone's head came across the connection. All of the executives winced. Hardened pirates and criminals they might have all been, and atrocities aplenty they might have committed, but even for them, this level of cold, hard,
concentrated brutality was hard to listen to. Mostly because they weren't the ones inflicting it, for once.
"Fuffuffuffu… I like this Baron Omatsuri's style," Doflamingo chuckled. "I don't know what Straw Hat is seeing, but it has to be horrific. And losing all his crewmates like that in front of him, one by one, and powerless to stop it…" His grin widened malevolently. "Always a classic."
"
Does it hurt to be without friends?"
"
HE'S NOT WITHOUT FRIENDS YET!" Su snarled, the sound of grunting and muffled howling indicating that Lassoo was backing her up.
"
Cut the LIES!" Soundbite roared, as much as he could with his teeth occupied.
Things were silent for a few seconds until the snap of fingers sounded out. Then… Then the screaming started anew.
"
YEARGH!" Su shrieked in terror. "
WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE—!? GET-GET OFF, LET GO OF ME!"
"
RAT-FUCKING-BASTARD!" Soundbite raged with unholy fury.
Lassoo's muffled whimpers and yelps became increasingly frantic alongside the protests.
"
It seems that you pets represent your captain's hopes as much as his crewmates do. In that case, what I must do is crush each and every one of them. Now, watch and suffer as you lose these mediocre excuses for crewmates."
"
SOUNDBITE! LASSOO! SU! NO, LET THEM GO! LET THEM GO!"
"
I won't," the Baron coldly informed him. "
I will take them like I have taken the rest of your crew, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."
"
YOU FUCKING—MMPH!?" Soundbite's vitriol-fueled words were suddenly cut off without warning, thus silencing Su and what little coherence Lassoo had in the process.
"
This is the reality of your situation, child: you have lost. Totally and utterly."
"
THAT'S—!" Luffy started to curse before breaking off into harried panting. "
That's… That's not true…"
"
You have lost all of your friends," Baron Omatsuri drawled in a tone of voice that belied
years of experience. "
No matter how much you struggle or deny it, that reality will never change. What are you going to do now? If you decide to go on, a life of suffering, despair, and loneliness is all that awaits you. Or… will you decide to follow your friends?"
"Oh, yeah, that reminds me…" Doflamingo mused. "The fact that I can't see this at all… Fuffuffuffu, the imagination runs wild, doesn't it? It must be torture for the rest of the audience." Doflamingo's grin somehow became even more evil as he digested that idea. "Well, a good idea is worth stealing, after all. I would be remiss as the world's prince of darkness if I didn't take the opportunity to add to my… repertoire, wouldn't I? Fuffuffuffuffu."
Doflamingo either didn't notice or didn't care that, judging from the fact that he was the only one in the throne room, his executives lacked his ability to appreciate the sheer magnificence of the torture. And even if he had, his only reaction would have been to pity them for being so close-minded.
-o-
The following sound indicated that Luffy's head fell to the earth. He struggled briefly to get back up, but the sound of rubber being roughly squeezed indicated that the Baron had picked him up.
"
Let me paint you a picture. Almost every captain has chosen death over living in solitude. That is a wise decision. One man cannot be a pirate alone. Now, I will ask you again: what will you choose? Life or death?"
The only response… was silence. Silence that was louder than words could ever hope to be. Finally, Luffy let out a soft grunt of pain before he fell to the ground. Footfalls indicated that the Baron was stepping back.
"
As I thought, being alone is too painful for you to endure."
"
BWOOOOOH! BWOOOOOH! BWOOOOOOH!"
Crocus flinched and glanced out the door of his lighthouse as ear-splitting howls of agony started crashing down over the Twin Capes. In any other situation, he'd have told Laboon to quiet down so that he could keep listening properly, but now… now he wasn't so sure that he
wanted to hear anything further.
"Damn it, Omatsuri…" he breathed grimly. "Is this
really what you think your friends would have wanted!?"
As if in answer, the sound of a bowstring being drawn taut filled the air like a death knell.
"
Then die."
Crocus grit his teeth, almost angry enough to try tracking down that island where the snail was… broadcasting… wait a minute, Soundbite had been snared by that monster, why was the broadcast still going?
That question was answered by the sound of the earth suddenly collapsing and the Baron gasping in shock.
"
What on earth—!?"
"
BARON!"
Crocus sighed in relief when Laboon's cries were silenced, courtesy of Brief's voice hollering defiance.
"
YOU!" the Baron snarled in frustration.
"
I won't let you hurt this man!" Brief roared. "
And thanks to this device you foolishly missed!" There was a clanking sound that signaled that Brief was holding up something metallic. "
You'll never harm another person in the world again!"
The Transponder Snail flashed an expression of fury for a moment before falling back into cold indifference. "
I might not know how that device functions, or how it is capable of bypassing my beloved Lily's interference…" A flash of evil passed over the vile man's face, and the sickening twang of a bowstring sounded out again. "
But I do know that it won't function without a snail to broadcast."
Crocus shot upright in shock. "Soundbite!"
"
DON'T YOU DARE, YOU—!" Brief started to shout—
KABOOM!
"
WAGH!"
When he was suddenly cut off by an air-shattering explosion slamming through the connection.
"
PWAH!" Soundbite gasped in relief. "
WHAT THE heck—!? AGH!
LASSOO! SU! NOOOO!"
"
Tsk, so the mutt managed to wrench its jaws open and blast you free, hm?" The Baron clicked his tongue sourly. "
Well, no matter. He and the fox are being consumed as we speak, and soon so will—!"
"THIRD PANEL FROM
the left, the gray octagon!"
"
What—?"
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
"
GYARGH!"
"SONNUVA BITCH NOT AGAIN!" Crocus roared as he clamped his hands over his ears, Laboon keening in agreement.
"
HEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOO, I think I could come to LOVE THAT THING," Soundbite said in a tone that was equal parts fervent and dizzy.
"WE KNOW!" Crocus and Laboon bellowed back with equal fervor. At the same time, though, Crocus was grateful for that Laboon-worthy noisemaker, considering that, if the scramble of feet through a tunnel was anything to go by, it had apparently provided the necessary distraction for Brief to abscond with the transceiver and Soundbite.
"Damn cocky snail…" Crocus grumbled as he tentatively poked at his eardrums for a second. He then allowed himself a kindly smile. "Still. As much as I hate him, I am glad to hear that he's not hurt."
"
BWOOOOOH!" Laboon bayed anew, only this time he was communicating an entirely different emotion.
-o-
The sound of Brief and Soundbite rushing through the tunnels continued for a few moments before they slid into another room. "
How is he?" Brief asked.
"
He's hurt pretty bad—HEY!" began an older voice, the captain of the Tearoom Pirates, up until the sound of shaking someone's body came across the connection
"
Wake up, Straw Hat—"
"
ALLOW ME," Soundbite snarled. "
Here's hoping a generalization works… LUFFY! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANT A FIST OF LOVE!" the snail belted out in a gruff old man's voice.
"AH! I'M UP, GRAMPS, I'M U—
huwha?"
In a dilapidated shack on the slopes of Mt. Corvo, a certain mountain bandit chief cocked an eyebrow curiously. "Well, now I'm a bit conflicted…" Dadan mused to herself. "On the one hand, it's good that they were able to use Luffy's trauma to snap him out of it, but on the other hand, that pretty much just spilled the beans on who Luffy's grandfather is to anyone who's familiar with Garp."
"I think we can worry about that
after he's out of that hellhole of an island," Dogra grit out. "And that's if he can bounce back after losing his whole crew…"
"
SNAP OUT OF IT, LUFFY! CROSS and the rest of the crew need you!"
Magra allowed himself a hopeful grin. "Somehow, I don't think that that's going to be much of an issue."
"
Eh? Soundbite! Y-You're alright! But… But everyone else…" Luffy trailed off, his voice cracking.
"
NO!" Soundbite belted out desperately. "Y-YOU CAN'T GIVE UP HOPE, LUFFY,
YOU CAN'T! I-IF YOU GIVE UP…" The snail's eyes started to tear up in despair.
"
Damn it all, Straw Hat!" Brief belted impudently. "
Where's your determination, eh, where's your will to fight!? You need to stand up! You need to fight for your crew!"
"
What crew?" Soundbite spat, the venom in his voice thoroughly diluted with depressed sorrow. "THEY GOT
eaten. THEY'RE GONE…"
"
So you say, but she
says different!" Brief countered.
"
Yes, they're still alive! I can hear them!" came a girl's voice out of the blue.
"
Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "
Who're you? And what're you talking about—"
"
She—SHE'S RIGHT!" Soundbite said in equal parts shock and euphoria. "
I-I CAN hear their VOICES!"
"Eh!?" the leaders of the Mt. Corvo Bandits yelped, leaning backwards in shock.
"Is this for real?!" Dadan breathed, her cigarette getting steadily worn down to a nub.
"B-but I thought he said the salt was messing with his head!" Magra questioned.
"
Eh? What about the salt?" Rose of the Tearoom Pirates asked that very same question.
"AH…
ah, different kind of HEARING. MY NORMAL SKILLS ARE STILL BORKED, BUT THIS…" Soundbite shook his head solemnly. "
There's no blocking this."
"
Can't you hear them? Listen!" the girl insisted. "
Mister Reindeer and Mister Doggy and Miss Fox are calling for you! 'Luffy, Luffy!', over and over again! And lots of other voices too! Though, one of them is saying a lot more than that…"
"
HAHAHA!" Soundbite cackled ecstatically. "
EVEN ON THE BRINK of the void, Cross is slingin' shit LIKE A DAMN CHAMP!"
"
Please don't swear around my children!" Papa Tearoom protested.
"BUT HOW ARE THEY STILL—
OH, OF COURSE! The damn weed's TRACT MUST BE SLOW-ACTING SO IT CAN SUSTAIN the illusion during gaps between crews!" Soundbite reasoned, ignoring the man.
"
Ergh! 'Go to the Grand Line', they said, 'It'll be a fantastic family bonding experience!' they said! Last time I take family bonding advice from a girl offering therapy for five flipping berries!" the patriarch of the 'pirate' family grumbled before lowering his voice. "
And, ah, Daisy, was your hearing always this good?"
"
Is now really—EH? What the—! OhfuckINCOMING!"
A series of distant explosions and close-up tremors came across the connection, and then Brief spoke again. "
Looks like I've outstayed my welcome. Tsk, fine by me, I don't intend to die on this island! Alright, listen, Straw Hat: you can't just recklessly charge at the Baron's arrows. Use the underground routes I dug, I'll back you up. Just do as I told you and rush towards that strange flower!"
"
You…" Luffy began.
"
You forgot this," Brief interrupted, the sound of scrunching straw indicating he'd given Luffy back his hat. "
Don't let the Baron's lies affect you, you're not alone yet! You still have a chance to save your friends, understand? And… I'm here with you, too."
"
THAT'D mean a lot more if you weren't HOLDING YOUR FINGER UNDER YOUR NOSE
LIKE THAT," Soundbite deadpanned.
"
The snail's right. You're talking about life and death with your finger across your nose?" said Papa.
"
That's just weird," said a younger male that had to be Rick.
"
SHUT UP! This is the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates' sacred traditional greeting!"
"Heheh, I think I'm starting to like this old man!" Dadan snickered to herself.
"Though really, who ever heard of a salute as stupid as that, eh?" Magra asked.
"You mean aside from that stupid handshake you tried to make us all do a few years ago?" Dogra muttered sarcastically.
"I WAS DRUNK OFF MY ASS, DAMN IT!"
"IT WAS THREE HOURS LONG, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH BOOZE ON THE ISLAND TO JUSTIFY THAT!"
"YOU DAMN LITTLE—!"
SLAM! SLAM!
"WILL YOU MORONS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!?" Dadan bellowed. "IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, OUR BOY'S FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE OUT THERE!"
-o-
"
Alright, I'll get going," Luffy announced with grim determination. "
Old man, you look after Soundbite, alright?"
"
Of course," Brief nodded firmly before adopting an annoyed expression. "
And for the record, I'm 42! You try living on this island for years on end and not let the stress get to you!"
The only response he received was that of Luffy running off.
There was a brief silence before Soundbite swiveled his eyestalks to the side in a flat look. "
We're going AFTER HIM, RIGHT?"
"
Smart snail," the…
relatively old pirate laughed as he started running himself.
"Looks like Straw Hat's going to get out of this after all!"
"Of course he is! It's nothing now but a straight-up fight, and he won't give those monsters an inch this time! He's going to win!"
"Anyone wanna put any money on him winning?"
"Not a chance!"
For the first time since the goldfish catching game, the patrons of Takoyaki 8 were thoroughly enjoying the broadcast. Luffy had his confidence back and friends backing him as he tried to save his crew from a man-eating plant and put an end to that monster of a man. And this time, the support in the game was unanimous.
Soundbite's broadcasting faltered slightly here and there, Luffy popping in and out of the holes in the ground, along with Brief and his goat distracting them. Then came the moment where Brief used a dummy of straw that Soundbite had been funneling Luffy's voice into, successfully tricking and then distracting the Baron and making him attempt to play whack-a-mustache with his arrows. Tension began mounting as the sounds of the trapdoors opening became closer and closer to the arrows' impact.
Until, finally—
BOOM!
"
Agh!"
"
GAH, MOTHER—THAT STINGS!"
One of the explosions was accompanied by Brief and Soundbite's cries of pain.
"
Now, stay in that hole!"
There was a sound of movement amidst the settling dust. "
Baron," Brief growled, weak but firm. "
Don't mess with me. If you think you can take friends away from anyone you please, you're dead wrong! As of now… I'M ONE OF HIS FRIENDS!"
"
I'LL DAMN WELL ENDORSE
THAT claim!" Soundbite roared in agreement.
The Baron chuckled cruelly. "
Friend? How delightful! Straw Hat!" Omatsuri's expression swapped over to a more vicious tone as he glanced away. "
Listen well! This man who claims to be your friend was once the captain of a pirate crew that I annihilated! A man who pleaded for mercy! A man who wretchedly shook in fear at the thought of being alone! Why would you let such a pathetic insect be your friend?"
"
HEY! I AND TRANSPONDER SNAILS EVERYWHERE
RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!"
Omatsuri's snarl deepened. "
That snail again… you should learn when to respect your betters!"
There was that strange organic sound that had accompanied every instance of the bow arrow being nocked before, and then the snail's eyes snapped open in terror as the same noise multiplied itself almost two dozen times over.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Soundbite demanded incredulously. "
JUST HOW fucking bullshit is that damn flower?!"
"
Why don't you observe for yourself, hm?" And with that, there was the twang of a bowstring and a
chorus of shrieking whistling.
Within moments the arrows made impact… but not on flesh. The only sound heard was metal sinking into stone.
"
DENIED! NICE SAVE,
LUFFY!"
"
Wha… Straw Hat?" Brief asked. There was a sound of stone cracking, likely from being used as a shield. Then…
"
RaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!" Luffy screamed. A moment later, there was the sound of a fist making impact, and the Baron let out a cry of pain before being sent tumbling away.
"Nyu, nice one, Luffy!" Hachi pumped his fists triumphantly. "Now do it a thousand times more!"
"Come on, guys!" Keimi cheered as she waved around a pair of fans she'd dug out of somewhere. "Like the dugongs! GO, STRAWHAT, GO! GO, STRAWHAT, GO!"
"GO, STRAWHAT, GO!" the patrons of Takoyaki 8 cheered in agreement. "GO, STRAWHAT, GO! GO, STRAWHAT, GO!"
-o-
"Straw Hat certainly seems to have every ounce of will that we thought he did," Hina remarked as she chewed on the butt of her cigarette.
"And thank the heavens that he does," T-Bone stated as he bowed his head solemnly. "For should even the will of one such as Monkey D. Luffy be capable of breaking, then what hope do we have of finding any measure of success in our endeavor?"
Hina scowled grimly, unable to find anything with which to counter the question.
"
I told you before…" Luffy huffed grimly. "
I WON'T LET YOU HURT MY FRIENDS!"
"
F-Friend?" Brief asked timidly.
"
Mustache!" Luffy promptly grinned, the cheer in his voice making it obvious that he had his finger up in a salute.
"…
Mustache!" Brief echoed joyfully.
"
Mustache!" Rose, Rick, and Daisy contributed.
"
GET BACK DOWN HERE, YOU THREE!" Papa protested.
"
YEEEAAAAH, I have no arms and some measure of DIGNITY, SOOO…"
"…
You are an unlikeable little gremlin."
"THAT'S MY SCHTICK,
AND I STRIVE TO WEAR it out!"
"The sooner, the better, I say," T-Bone muttered.
"Mm… Hina begs to differ," the female captain disagreed with a slight smirk. "Annoying as he can be… it's at least comforting to find some measure of familiarity in all this madness, no?"
As gaunt as his face was, T-Bone just couldn't hide the smile he too was sporting.
-o-
"
Should have seen that one coming. Anyway… Strawhat!" Brief barked authoritatively. "
Go give that demon-weed hell!"
"
You BASTARDS!
I'll feed you to Lily in PIECES!"
"
HE'S UP! GOGOGO!"
"
RIGHT! EVERYONE! I'M COMING! HANG ON!" Luffy roared at the top of his lungs. His voice swiftly became far off, but it remained clear as crystal nonetheless. He bellowed at the top of his lungs, a bestial noise of pure rage more than anything.
"Ha! Go, Strawhat boy!" Queen Ivankov cheered from his stage in his makeshift kingdom, leading his 'citizens' in encouraging the rookie pirate, however far away he was. "Pluck that weed's petals, free your crew! HAHA!"
Soon enough, there was the sound of stretching, un-announced, as a name wasn't needed. This wasn't an attack, just a strike of pure, righteous
vengeance. A second later, there was a sound like a titanic slab of meat being pounded, and then a second, even stronger than the first.
And then…
"
GIVE ME BACK MY CREW!"
An earth-shattering crash came across the snail. And then came the sound of something like wood breaking apart.
"Ivankov! The monitors!"
At Inazuma's shout, the entirety of Newkama Land turned to face the screens, which were displaying all the same image: a massive, stem-like structure that was beginning to break in the middle, and a human figure that they could barely discern as Straw Hat Luffy beside it.
"…I guess Soundbite-boy learned a new trick. That, or his emotions are peaking enough that he—"
"
Wait!"
The image turned back towards a small group of people clad in red headgear with a mushroom-like Jolly Roger on each, alongside a man with a toothbrush mustache who could only be Brief.
"
The voices are coming from somewhere else now," said the youngest girl, to the surprise of everyone listening. Soundbite's gaze snapped back at the stem… and let out, though on the volume of a whisper, what could only be described as a scream. And not a single person watching could blame him.
For looking closely, where the stem broke, with the full moon shining as red as blood in the background, everyone could see what composed the massive structure: thousands upon thousands of arrows, hovering and quivering in midair, what little light there was glinting off the sharp heads.
"
Where are Zoro and all the others? Where are they?!" Luffy yelled. Then, slowly, Soundbite's gaze turned in another direction, tortured, rambling whimpers coming from him as his eyes fell upon the soulless form of Baron Omatsuri, standing with a dark smile on his face and blank white eyes as black spots appeared on the face of the flower on his shoulder, reminding many present of some very unpleasant diseases.
"
Right here."
Those two words sent chills down every spine on the floor. And then Omatsuri tossed his bow aside, and the flower on his shoulder began to grow and contort.
Emporio Ivankov had the power of the Horm-Horm Fruit. He was no stranger to gore. He was no stranger to mutations. He was intimately familiar with any number of strange contortions within the human body, and was an expert at causing and healing them himself. He had as much tolerance for the worst that biology, and meat in general, could dish out as the most experienced surgeons in the world did.
And when he saw the Lily Carnation's true form, he could do nothing but retch.
-o-
"…What the fucking hell."
Nobody in the Blackbeard Pirates so much as batted an eye at their leader's swearing. How could they, with the vile biological symphony that had met their ears? Even after sailing so long with Doc Q, that had been a unique and, as the stain on Burgess's shirt demonstrated,
nauseating experience.
"…
It was the flower. The flower was wrong. I-I-I didn't believe it, I knew that Cross said it was powerful but it was so small and innocent and I thought it was wrong but I was wrong, it's wrong, that thing, i-it's wrong wrong WRONG! IT'S DIGESTING THEM!"
The disgustingly organic gurgles and squishes, accompanied by the occasional crack of snapping bone coming over the connection had pretty thoroughly backed up Soundbite's latest scream. And with that, only Blackbeard managed to keep his lunch down, and he glared at the snail murderously.
"Straw Hat…
slaughter that monster," he snarled.
-o-
For the first time since they had known him, the Revolutionaries saw their leader thoroughly shocked. And not a single one of them was surprised; the half-digested forms of Luffy's sixteen crewmates seemed to run together, limbs sticking out at random, their eyes blank black sockets that seemed to weep black sludge if you looked at them too long, and their mouths open in silent screams. This macabre sculpture of agony and horror connected back to the gaping, monstrous head of the Lily Carnation. The cute flower was gone; all that remained was a bleached, spotted head drooling green slime, an expression of hunger on its face, and a tinkling giggle coming from its mouth, a sound more at home in a kids' puppet show than the horror before them.
"I can hear them…" Dragon quietly ground out. "They have no mouths… and yet they scream."
As one, the Revolutionaries blanched. And through it all, Omatsuri… just laughed. A dark, sadistic sound that reverberated through the bones and organs of all who heard it. It was quite clear that he was enjoying every second of this. Then, abruptly, he stopped, and spoke a single word.
"
Die."
The image snapped back towards Luffy, who was staring at Lily Carnation with a gaping, horrified expression that would have been comical in just about any other situation. But not this one. The horrific scene before them, the whispered agony coming over the speakers, the absolutely
terrified expression on their Transponder Snail… it sucked up humor, consumed all emotion until nothing was left but deep, soul-crushing despair.
And that scream…
"LUFFY!
RUN! THE ARROWS!"
The entire room gasped as they saw every arrow, every last one of the
thousands of arrows scattered beneath the blood-red moon, begin to soar towards Luffy. And the worst part was that Luffy didn't run; he only slowly began to turn towards the storm of complete death that soared towards him. Actually, no. The worst part was the glimpse of his face everyone caught. Dull. Lifeless. The arrows… they were merely finishing a job already complete. It was a face they were all
far too familiar with.
And as one of their number took in the sight, something in his brain snapped, and he realized
exactly what he was seeing.
"LUUUUUUUFFYYYYYYY!" Sabo screamed as the arrows struck.
-o-
Every man and woman in Makino's bar that had retained consciousness and found the courage to stay in earshot of the snail came to immensely regret that decision over the next full
minute. The only sounds that filled the bar were the unmistakable din of thousands of arrows crashing to the ground, more every second, and Soundbite's agonized wailing. Then Omatsuri spoke again.
"
Every single one of those arrows symbolizes a day of loneliness I endured after that storm. They are the number of the regrets I have suffered at suddenly losing every one of my beloved crewmates."
Nobody in the bar could they bring themselves to care as the Baron confirmed Soundbite's theory; all they could think of was that this man and his monster—no,
these monsters, had killed Luffy. All of those arrows, and from Soundbite's wailing, they could only imagine how many of them Luffy had endured. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the sound of the hellish rain ceased, leaving only Soundbite's sobs to fill the numbing silence.
"
LUFFY! LUFFY!"
Makino's lip bled from how hard she was biting it as tears streamed down her face, and not a single patron of the bar, not even Woop Slap, no matter how hard he dug his fingers into his own arm, had dry eyes.
"Luffy…"
-o-
"
Have you had a glimpse of what I've endured?"
The sheer
force that filled the room where the screen was broadcasting Soundbite's vision was suffocating. Borsalino was sweating bullets, a nervous look in place of his typical expression. Kuzan was shivering from the sheer chill of the willpower. Even Sakazuki was panting from the effort to stay conscious; only Sengoku and the immunized Transponder Snail were fully able to withstand the unbridled
rage and
agony of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, and even then Sengoku was sweating furiously and the snail was only half-conscious.
Garp's fists were blackened, his teeth almost cracking from how much he was grinding them, and his eyes… looking into his eyes, every last Admiral and Vice Admiral knew the very meaning of fear.
"
How dare you do this to my grandson…" he whispered with all the force of a tempest, earthquake, and firestorm rolled into one.
"Garp… you already
know that we're going to invoke the greatest Buster Call in history on Omatsuri Island as soon as this broadcast ends," Sengoku stated, frowning heavily; for all that the Strawhats had been thorns in his side, and for all that he
thoroughly expected an order to leave Omatsuri Island alone from the Elder Stars due to the fact that its owner—and indeed, perhaps its sole living inhabitant—seemed to solely target pirates,
no one deserved to go through what he was witnessing now. Absolutely
no one.
"Buster Call?
No… that's too hands-off," Garp snarled. "We can destroy the island after I've
ripped that monster apart WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!"
"As you wish, Garp," Sengoku consented; there could be no more just a course of action.
"I'll go and start preparing the ships now," Tsuru stated, her fear at the rage of her old friend suppressed by the sheer disgust and horror of the events transpiring.
-o-
The submarine-ship of the Heart Pirates was deathly silent as its inhabitants stared at the sobbing snail before them.
There was no other noise to be heard, no monologuing, no screaming, just… sobbing. Tears of misery and desperation, bubbling up from the snail without end.
So frozen were they all that none made to stop Bepo when he silently stood up and started to shuffle towards the snail, reaching for the mic…
"Room, Shambles."
"GAH!"
When suddenly the silence was broken by a pained yelp, on account of Bepo and the previously-seated Penguin swapping places unexpectedly and Penguin falling on his ass.
"Captain…" the bear Mink started, glancing at his captain uneasily.
"Don't touch that Snail," Law ordered, never shifting from his position with his elbows balanced on his knees and his hands folded before his face.
"Law, look," Penguin sighed as he rubbed his aching posterior. "We know you've been eyeing the Strawhats as potential allies, but they're
done. Luffy got hit by… damn, I don't even
know how many arrows—!"
"One-hundred seventy-four direct hits, sixty-six nicks," Law summarized emotionlessly.
Penguin took a moment to shiver before spreading his arms helplessly. "My point exactly, captain. I'm sorry, but he's—!"
"Not dead."
"Law—!"
"Both lungs punctured, stomach pierced numerous times, his small and large intestines as well, numerous lacerations to his muscular system, broken ribs, collar bone, humerus, radiuses, ulna—"
"Law, what are you—?!"
"Those are all the places he
was hit." Law's crewmates froze at the statement. "Brain, heart, kidneys, spinal cord… any injuries to these locations would have been instantly fatal." Law's knuckles became white as he tightened his grip. "
None of them were hit."
Everyone was silent until Bepo swallowed and raised his hand. "Aye, Captain, but—!"
"His body hasn't hit the ground, Bepo."
"—
erk!" The mink and the crew as a whole stiffened in realization.
"His body. Has yet. To hit the ground," Law repeated tonelessly, his glare never leaving the sobbing snail. "Once it does,
then it's hopeless. But until then…"
Suddenly, a minute,
shuddering gasp so light it could have been a death rattle wafted over the connection, and the snail snapped its eyes open in shock. "
LUFFY!"
"This. Isn't. Over."
-o-
"Not yet over…" Basil Hawkins muttered to himself as he fretfully re-shuffled his deck with shaking hands, his natural calm well and thoroughly broken. "How can it possibly not yet be over?" Once he finished mixing up his cards, he carelessly tossed them onto the table he was sitting at, staring at the results that showed up in bewildered confusion. "How… this is… inconceivable…"
"C-Captain?" one of his subordinates noted nervously, watching his captain's actions over his shoulder.
"The Four, Six, Nine and Queen of Wands," Hawkins read off, more to himself than his crew. "The Magician, The Chariot, Strength, the Wheel of Fortune,
The Star itself…"
"W-What does it mean, captain?"
Hawkins scowled as he covered his mouth in thought. "All cards that indicate hope, victory and positivity, forcing themselves to the top of the deck…" He then flipped over the deck he was holding, and displayed the final card that would have been played. "While the Tower, the card of disaster, relegates itself to the bottom of the deck every time, all while reversing itself every time I look at it, to boot…"
"I'd say you're just not shuffling well, voodoo-man, but for once I actually
agree with those parlor tricks of yours!"
The fortuneteller twitched at the familiar voice that broke his concentration, and offhandedly glared at its source as he swept his cards back into his deck and started to shuffle again. "Kidd."
The punk-styled pirate captain that was sitting at the counter of the bar, his almost-empty bottle nestled in a deep dent in the wood, glared daggers at the sobbing Transponder Snail that had everyone's attention. "You heard how hard that dumbass was fighting," Kidd growled acridly. "If you think that a few arrows being stuck in him now will stop him, then you are dead
wrong!" He punctuated the statement by splitting the bar with his fist.
Kidd huffed heavily for a few seconds before holding out his hand to the slightly nervous barkeep, who promptly filled it with a full bottle.
"That moron's not dead yet," he growled with finality. "And I won't accept that he's actually lost until I see it with my own two eyes! WHO'S WITH ME!?" he roared, lifting his bottle up high, a motion that was reciprocated by his first mate and the rest of the crew.
As if in response to the show of support, someone spoke on the other end in a clear voice, that of a young girl.
"
Don't lose! Mister Reindeer and the others are still calling you! 'Luffy, you can do it! Luffy, you can do it!' They're cheering for you! So… So don't lose!"
The voice echoed through the complete silence in the bar. Even Soundbite's sobbing stopped, though the snail's expression made it clear that he was only barely suppressing them. Then… another sound rang out across the connection.
-o-
Jewelry Bonney tensed furiously, her hands balling up in the tablecloth of the table she was sitting at, sweat pouring down her face.
Clicking and clacking echoed through the silent air, every sound as loud as a gunshot. Some were ignorable, wood against wood, arrows knocking against one another as Strawhat moved… but others… metal against metal. Metal against
bone.
Bonney had stopped eating long before things had gotten this bad, her appetite banished by the sounds of one of the best crews on the Grand Line self-destructing, but this…
Bonney bit into her lip, eyes starting to water at the sting of the bile creeping up her throat, beckoned ever closer by the horrendous clicking.
These noises, the
images they conjured
, threatened to bring up every meal she'd eaten in the past 24 hours.
And just when it seemed like she was about to lose the fight against her own body another sound came across. A susurrus, like a breeze blowing through the branches of a dead tree, rustling nothing. Like wind brushing across the cold stone tombstones of a cemetery. Like the final breath of a dying man giving up the fight against his fate. But none of those were fully accurate… for the sounds were coherent, a chorus of voices calling out in whispers a singular message.
"
Luffy… Luffy… Luffy…"
Bonney froze as she heard the voices, coming so close,
so close to completely and utterly emptying herself…
Before raising her fists and
slamming them on the tabletop, followed by her swallowing
hard and forcing every last speck of her stomach's contents back into place. The instant her airway was clear, she started to bellow furiously.
"COME ON, STRAWHAT!" she cried, causing her crewmates to jump in shock. "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PATHETIC DISPLAY IS THIS?! YOU KICKED GOD'S FUCKING ASS, KICK THIS PSYCHO'S TOO! WIN, FUCKING DAMN IT!
WIN!"
-o-
"YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY! SHOW THAT BASTARD WHAT IT MEANS TO COME FROM MOUNT CORVO!" Dadan yelled. The rest of her boys were no less exuberant.
"RIP HIM TO PIECES, LUFFY!" Dogra snarled.
"POUND THAT BASTARD'S SMUG SMIRK SIX FEET UNDER!" Magra roared.
"GO, LUFFY!" came the raucous chorus that echoed through the entirety of Mount Corvo.
-o-
The swordmaster's outward quiet belied the anxiety he felt, clearly evidenced by the sweat on his face, serious enough that he hadn't even bothered to replace his glasses. But nobody else in the dojo had anywhere close to as much control as he did.
"GO, STRAWHAT, GO!" screamed one boy.
"SAVE ZORO! SAVE YOUR CREW!" bellowed another.
And much the same came from every other student. Koshiro's fists clenched as he forced himself not to join in just as exuberantly—or worse, to grab his sword and the nearest ship to go
chop that island in half.
-o-
"COME ON, BOY!" Genzo roared as he tried desperately to leap to his feet.
"SHOW THE STRENGTH AND GUTS YOU HAD WHEN YOU BEAT ARLONG!" Nojiko yelled over her shoulder before returning her attention to pressing down on Genzo's shoulder and keeping him pinned in his bed. "And as for you, stay
still! You suffered a heart attack, you need to rest if you want to get better!" She then leaned in close to Doctor Nako, who was on the other side of the bed and helping her fight to keep the de-facto leader of Cocoyashi down. "
He will
get better, right?" she hissed beneath the cheers of the crowd outside.
"I'M FINE, I FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS! NOW LET ME UP SO THAT I CAN CHEER PROPERLY! GO, LUFFY! BASH THAT BASTARD'S SKULL IN!"
"DO IT, BRAT, WIN!" Doctor Nako shouted out the door of his practice before scrabbling to strap down one of Genzo's limbs as he glared at the ex-soldier. "That's the pain medicine talking, Genzo, the only thing that will make you better is time!" He then leaned close to Nojiko. "
Are you kidding? After having a heart attack at his age? He's lucky to be alive!" he whispered back.
"I'VE RESTED MORE THAN ENOUGH, WHAT I
NEED IS TO BE ON MY FEET! NOW LET ME UP ALREADY! WHACK THAT WEED, STRAW HAT!"
"UPROOT IT AND SAVE MY SISTER, DAMN IT!" "Please, Genzo, we're only doing this because we care about you!" "
Well, how bad is it then!?"
"
End this nightmare, Luffy!" "Listen to Nojiko, Genzo, you shouldn't push yourself like this!" "WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO OPERATE!"
"HE'S PUSHING HIMSELF FOR NAMI, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I DO—
WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"…Whoops. Ah…
hey, look, a fishman!"
"WHERE?!"
CRACK!
"
Pretty colors…"
"…How often do you do that?"
"Almost every other week, and not all on him. Having a common phobia is
useful! Now, back to business: KEEP GOING, STRAW HAT!"
-o-
"SAVE CAPTAIN USOPP! SAVE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!" the Veggie Trio yelled, tears streaming down their faces from bloodshot eyes.
"FIGHT, LUFFY, FIGHT! WIN! YOU CAN DO IT!" Merry cheered, fans in hand.
"SAVE USOPP, LUFFY! SHOW THAT HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE IN FOLLOWING YOU!" Kaya screamed, fighting through her weakness.
And the entirety of Syrup Village shouted along with them.
-o-
Zeff was straining both of his legs as he sped through the restaurant, tirelessly filling the orders of the customers, preparing them, sending them to their tables, taking the payments and dishes, washing them, and repeating the process. Despite the sweat coursing down his face, so much so that his well-braided mustache was beginning to droop, he had no intention of doing it any other way except for alone. And why was that, when they were in the middle of a massive rush despite the nauseous show they were listening to, and with no shortage of chefs?
"BEAT IT TO THE GROUND, STRAW HAT!" "POUND IT TO PIECES LIKE KRIEG'S ARMOR!" "PLUCK THAT THING'S PETALS!" "
SAVE SANJI!"
Because the rest of his staff was busy with cheering on the most incredible pirate he had seen since he retired. And considering the fact that he wanted nothing more than to do that cheering himself, he had little choice but to allow the rest of them to do it instead while he, the only one who was capable of keeping a level head through this, took care of the business.
"
Win, Straw Hat, WIN!"
But that didn't stop him from hissing encouragements under his breath whenever he got a moment alone.
-o-
"SHOW WHAT THE WILL OF D. IS ALL ABOUT, STRAW HAT! SAVE YOUR CREW!
SAVE MY SON!"
The humans watching paused briefly in their cheering to gape at Kureha, who had joined in after a few seconds of trembling silently, her expression ferocious and tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Doctor Kureha—" Dalton began in shock.
"FUCK MY VANITY, I'M PAST THE POINT OF CARING ABOUT DENYING IT!" Kureha roared. "MAKE THAT MONSTER PAY, STRAW HAT! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON US NOW!"
Everyone else gaped for a moment more before they raised their own voices to the rose-colored heavens.
"GO, LUFFY!/GO, STRAW HAT!/YOU CAN DO IT!"
-o-
"GET THEM, STRAW HAT! YOU DEFEATED A WARLORD, DON'T LOSE TO AN OLD MAN AND A GLORIFIED WEED!" Cobra roared.
"SIRE, YOUR BLOOD PRESS—GAH!" Pell attempted to protest before wincing as Cobra rapped his official Royal Rod over his skull.
"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE, MY LITTLE GIRL IS IN DANGER!"
"SIRE, THAT ROD IS AN ANCESTRAL HEIRLOOM DATING BACK TO—!" THWACK! "—YEOWCH!" Igaram cut himself off in favor of hopping around on his un-struck foot as he cursed up a storm.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE HOW OLD THIS THING IS!? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS FENDING YOU JACKALS OFF SO THAT I CAN CHEER ON LUFFY!
WIN, DAMN YOU, WIN!"
Kohza's eye twitched slightly as he peered around the doorway to the throne room. "And he is
how old again?"
Chaka slapped a hand to his face with a groan as his commander in chief managed to nail his fellow Guardian with a well-placed gut shot. "On that fine, fine line that separates 'too old' and 'not old enough'." Nonetheless, he lowered his hand the following moment, a dark look on his face. "But quite frankly, I can hardly blame His Majesty under these circumstances. Straw Hat is making good on his promise to protect Vivi or die trying. And I hope beyond all hope that he's strong enough to make it through this." He then cocked an eyebrow at Kohza. "How come you're not panicking just as much as him, by the way?"
Kohza swallowed heavily as he redirected his gaze to the Transponder Snail with stoic silence, catching his best friend's whisper in the quiet pleas every time he strained his ears. "Because pleading acknowledges the possibility of defeat, which would mean that I'd have to accept that Vivi is
gone…" His knuckles turned white as he gripped the doorframe. "And I just don't think that I'd be able to survive that."
-o-
"DON'T FALL TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS!" Wiper roared. "YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, STRAW HAT, YOU CAN WIN!"
"SEND THAT DEVIL OF A PLANT BACK TO HELL WHERE IT BELONGS, LUFFY!" Gan Fall bellowed in agreement.
"COME ON, CAPTAIN! YOU CAN'T FALL, I HAVEN'T JOINED YET!" Aisa shouted at the top of her lungs.
"PIEEEEE! PIEEEEE!" Pierre screeched, regretting for the first time that he didn't have that embarrassing voice that the snail gave him anymore; he would give anything to voice his support.
"JULALALALA! JULALALALA!" Nola herself cried to the heavens, uncaring of whether she was understood or not. All she cared about was that she was losing her friends
again, only this time she wasn't going to let it happen silently. This time… this time she would be
heard.
CLAAAAAANG! CLAAAAAANG!
The rest of the inhabitants of the island worked tirelessly to ring the Fire of Shandora in support for Luffy, their cries of support singing out as much as the bell itself.
-o-
"DESTROY HIM, LUFFY!" Ace roared, sending up a pillar of flames that was almost
biblical in scale.
"GIVE HIM HELL, STRAWHAT!" Squardo concurred, waving his sword in the air in agreement.
"ALL CANNONS, FIRE AT WILL!" Whitey bellowed at the Baby Transponder Snail she was holding, prompting her crew on her
Tsarina to scramble to man the warship's copious armory. "FILL THE AIR WITH AS MUCH NOISE AS YOU CAN! I DON'T CARE HOW FAR AWAY HE IS,
WE ARE LETTING HIM KNOW WE'RE RIGHT THERE WITH HIM!"
"
AYE, CAPTAIN!" chorused the crew. And if it wasn't visible from Omatsuri Island, then enough people saw it that the world would soon know that these certain followers of the strongest man in the world were supporting the rubber warrior.
-o-
"LUFFY, DON'T YOU DARE LOSE NOW!"
Every Revolutionary present in the Baltigo command center was staring at their Chief of Staff in stunned surprise as he practically
throttled the nearest Transponder Snail. He had nearly blacked out upon seeing that many arrows had hit Luffy, though his scream beforehand was no small shock to everyone present.
Or rather, almost everyone.
"He's your younger brother, isn't he?" Dragon asked quietly.
Sabo's fingers cracked the snail's shell as he and the rest of the room looked at his leader. Slowly, he released the gastropod and forced his hands to his sides, his fingers digging into his palms and tears starting to fall down his face.
"And he hasn't changed a bit in the last ten years," Sabo confirmed. "He always does this, rushing into danger without even thinking. He never would have made it out of childhood if Ace and I hadn't been there."
"'Ace'?" Koala repeated numbly, her brain stalling as she tried to process what that meant. "Do you mean—!?"
"Better known nowadays as 'Fire-Fist' Ace of the Whitebeard Pirates," Sabo confirmed before snapping his attention back to the screen and gritting his teeth. "LUFFY, DON'T YOU DARE LOSE NOW! IF YOU DIE RIGHT AFTER I REMEMBER YOU,
I'LL CRAWL INTO THE UNDERWORLD SO THAT I CAN KILL YOU AGAIN MYSELF!"
Dragon quietly turned away. And as soon as nobody could see his face, he allowed it to contort murderously.
'
I know you won't lose, Luffy… but if you don't kill that monster for this, then I will.'
-o-
The entire island metropolis of Water 7 had fallen silent in response to the SBS broadcast, the horrors following the hope leaving every soul unable to speak, even as Straw Hat began stumbling. But at the moment the whispers of his crew began to come through…
"
COME ON, STRAW HAT!"
The town suddenly jumped when Franky's voice
boomed over the island like the voice of Poseidon.
It took Iceburg a second to get his wits back, but once he did he stared up at the spout of water, blinking at the speck of a person he could see framed by the spout. "Huh… so he actually managed to get that water-based amplifier working. I just thought that was hot air."
Kalifa shakily readjusted her glasses. "Should I send some men to start dismantling it?"
"
YOU MANAGED TO BEAT CROCODILE AND YOU MANAGED TO BEAT GOD, ARE YOU REALLY GONNA LOSE TO A WEED!? BEAT THAT BASTARD, SHOW THE WORLD JUST HOW SUPER! YOU ARE!"
Iceburg was silent for a second before allowing himself a grim smirk. "Give him five minutes."
"
SUPER!"
The mayor's eyes widened as he noticed a crack starting to trail up the glass of his windows. "Then tell them to do their worst."
-o-
"ANNIHILATE THAT EXCUSE FOR A FLOWER!" Marigold roared.
"CRUSH IT TO DUST, STRAW HAT!" Sandersonia screeched.
"LET THAT MONSTER FEEL THE PAIN IT INFLICTED, STRAW HAT LUFFY! SEND IT TO HELL!" Hancock screamed.
Even from the palace, the Gorgon Sisters' screams of support carried throughout the island. But it wasn't that strange that most of the Kujas failed to notice…
"GO, STRAW HAT!"/"WIN!"/"SAVE YOUR CREW!"/"KILL THAT MONSTER!"
Considering that they were being no less vocal in their support. Even Elder Nyon was raising her voice for the first time in… basically forever. Yet, among a more quiet minority closer to the snail, a small group of amazons were on their knees, taking in every plea that they heard from the trapped group, a susurrus of support coming from their mouths. One of the warriors was
particularly fervent at that.
"Quetzalcoatl, Apophis, Nagaraja, Set, Ouroboros, Asclepius. Great heavenly serpents, hear my pleas," Marguerite whispered, her head bowed and hands clasped in prayer. "I realize that our tribe has not worshipped any of you in countless generations, but nonetheless, I
beg you: show this man your favor!" She shook her head desperately. "Whether or not most men are as evil as the Princess and her crew say, I know not, and at this moment I do not
care. But this man… Luffy…" Tears slowly trailed from the Kuja's eyes in spite of her determination to hold them back. "Please, I beg of you… let him win… let him
live."
The prayers continued in the same vein for a minute that took up an eternity, before all at once, they fell silent as the noises from the broadcast changed: Luffy wasn't moving anymore, but his quiet, pained breathing persisted, indicating that he was still alive in spite of it all, and the Baron's own breathing had accelerated dramatically. Then Daisy's voice came again.
"
Yes, just like that! They're all with you, all the way!"
-o-
"
Daisy, can you really hear their voices? Papa can't hear anything," Papa said, audible in the sudden absence of cheers.
"
To tell you the truth, I heard everything you told Mister Reindeer, Mister Doggy, and Miss Fox behind that grave earlier this evening."
Papa gasped as Daisy continued. "
My hearing is naturally adept. I can hear even the tiniest sound. But I pretended not to know. You're always trying so hard to keep us happy."
"…
Daisy," Papa breathed, thunderstruck by his daughter's words.
"
But I believe that you really are strong!"
A pause, and the snail's expression conveyed a single tear about to fall from a shocked face. But he blinked it away before it could leave his eye, his lip trembling for a moment. Then he smiled. "
Of course," he said with more confidence than he had shown before. "
Papa is strong!"
"Aww…" Tashigi crooned kindly.
"Is now really the time?" Smoker huffed with a cocked eyebrow.
"Forgive me for trying to find a speck of light and hope in all this darkness!" the ensign snapped at her superior, before promptly paling as she realized just what she'd said. "Ah, f-forgive me, sir?"
Meanwhile, over the connection, Soundbite seemed to be trying to out-cynical Smoker. "HEARTWARMING,
truly! Now if only you'd do it later—!" There was suddenly a gurgling growl as the revived Transponder Snail's expression twisted into something
monstrous. "
WHEN YOU'RE NOT RISKING DRAWING THE DAMN MONSTER'S ATTENTION!?"
Smoker grimaced. "Damn it, that's not good."
Suddenly, without warning, the sound of running came across the broadcast, as well as one of the kids calling after their father.
"WHA—
WHOA! Papa Tearoom grabbed the Baron's BOW AND ARROW!
HE'S TAKING AIM!"
A sound of shaking, the arrow trembling against the bow, and then a gasp of shock and fear.
"FUCKING—!
COME ON ALREADY, YOU CAME THAT FAR! FUCKING FINISH IT!"
The demonic plant's tinkling purr came across the connection, clearly setting its sights on Papa. And from the snail's expression, the older man was scared out of his wits.
"
You can do it, Papa!" Daisy encouraged.
"
Papa!" Rose and Rick agreed.
"
Papa, shoot! Shoot!" Daisy urged.
"DO IT,
OLD MAN, DO IT!"
"Come on, come on…" Tashigi pleaded as she clasped her hands desperately.
Papa cried out, a sound of equal parts desperation and determination. Then a snap as the arrow flew free. Whistling came across the connection for a few seconds…
And then the most graphic and grotesque sound they had heard for the last several years rang out. It was the clear sound of metal and wood piercing flesh, and guts spilling out of it, alongside the plant's weakening laughter. And it was
music to their ears.
"
AH! LILY! AH, LILYYYYY!" came the Baron's cry.
"YES!" Tashigi whooped as she threw her hands up victoriously. "HE DID IT!"
Smoker grinned viciously around his cigar. "Now they just need to finish the job."
"
Y-Y-YES! YES YES FUCKING YES! PAPA TEAROOM DID IT! THE PLANT'S A PILE OF GUTS!
AND—what the—
I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING NOW—AND THE ARROWS ARE GONE! DISAPPEARED!
LUFFY, DON'T FALL OVER YET!"
The disturbingly wonderful sound of plant guts and blood falling to the ground echoed out, followed by the Baron's voice.
"
How could this happen to you?" he blubbered, sounding as though he was sifting through the guts. "
But now, Muchigoro, my crew, my friends, they'll all…"
The sobbing subsided, and his voice became downright demented.
"
Unforgivable… UNFORGIVABLE! I'LL—"
A loud splash drew everyone's attention. Omatsuri gasped in what sounded like horror. Then, with a scream of pure rage from Luffy, his fist connected with enough force to break the very air. The Baron's body was heard tumbling for several seconds before it finally subsided. A few more seconds of silence. And then…
"…
He's dead," Soundbite said firmly. "
The Baron. HE'S DEAD."
And just like that, the mood in the cabin swapped from joyous to utterly shocked.
"He… he actually did it? Luffy killed him?" Tashigi breathed.
Smoker was contemplatively silent for a moment before exhaling a cloud of smoke as he allowed himself to relax. "No… no, he didn't. Omatsuri died along with his crew. The only thing alive on that island was the plant. That…
person was just another one of the ghosts it was keeping in existence."
Tashigi faced her superior with a neutral expression before exhaling. "…I'm not sure I would have been able to hold anything against Luffy for it even if he was alive," she admitted softly.
Smoker shook his head with a sigh. "You and everyone else in the world, Ensign." He gazed at the transponder snail hiccuping on the crate. "You and everyone else."
-o-
"How depressing," a sword-wielding old man said nonchalantly. "Such a useful pirate trap, not only dismantled but dismantled before it could remove one of our greatest thorns from our side in a permanent manner. What a waste."
"But possibly a waste we can salvage. We should see about recovering the parts remaining of that plant and sending it to Vegapunk," mused a relatively younger man whose hair yet remained blond. "If we could recreate the entity for ourselves, the benefits would be innumerable."
"Highly unlikely," sighed the tallest of the old men, whose beard and mustache were split into three different points. "I'm certain that Sengoku, sentimental fool that he is, has already issued the orders for a Buster Call on that island, and I have no doubts that he would disregard any orders to do otherwise." He grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose as a familiar headache flared up in his skull. "At the least,
Garp certainly would. And aside from that, if the earlier broadcast was any indication, it targeted pirates only for the sake of convenience. I have no doubt that the only reason it didn't consume Omatsuri was that he was a perfect pawn; as depressing as it is to lose such a convenient weapon, this would be a beast far too wild for us to hope to control properly."
The other four of the Elder Stars scowled, but silently conceded the point nonetheless.
"Still, that being the case, perhaps we can use the fact that Straw Hat Luffy killed Omatsuri to our advantage," rumbled the one with a staff whose hair was styled in dreadlocks. "He hasn't killed before now, but now that he has we can prove that he is no better than any of the other scum that roams the seas."
"That's equally doubtful," growled yet another, birthmarks on his forehead, a large mustache on his face, and regret clear in his voice. "The world will no doubt sympathize with the surviving fool's plight, and rejoice in the demise of the man who had tortured him and so many others before him."
"
Brief… the Baron…"
The five of them turned their attention back to the snail as Straw Hat's weakened voice rang out.
"
He's gone now," Brief reassured him softly. "
He'll never destroy another crew thanks to you."
"
Hi… his crew…" he breathed. "
Are… are they on… the island…?"
"
What do you mean?" Brief asked in confusion.
"
There's a large graveyard on this island," Papa spoke up. "
That must be where the Baron buried his crew long ago."
Luffy inhaled several times before forcing out, "
Please… bury him… with his crew…"
"
STRAW HAT?!" Brief exclaimed.
"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Soundbite raged.
"
After everything he's done? Why would you do such a thing?" Papa demanded.
"
He… was alone in life. He… shouldn't be… alone in death. No one… deserves to be alone…" Luffy breathed.
A pause.
"
Luffy…" Soundbite said in awe.
"
Let… him be with his… crew."
Another pause.
"
Mister Reindeer, Mister Doggy, and Miss Fox were right about you. You are a great man."
The atmosphere in the room was thunderous.
"Well, this is just perfect, isn't it?" the sword-wielder asked sarcastically.
The youngest of the five shook his head with a scowl. "Any chances of us turning the world against Dragon's son have just become
nil. Perfect."
The mustachio's scowl matched his compatriot line for line. "I so very
hate D.s…"
-o-
"
Before I take his body…
Soundbite? I think I remember you saying that your broadcast reaches the entire world, right?"
"Yeah?"
"
May I…?"
"
Take the speaker.
SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT."
A short pause followed by the sound of fumbling with the microphone. And then…
"…
People of the world. My name is Brief, Captain and sole member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, and until today, unwilling inhabitant of Omatsuri Island. I had never thought it possible that I would be able to do this, but with the opportunity presented me now, I intend to share the truth of what this island truly was, utilizing what I have learned over my years as a prisoner here… and the final pieces I've put together today.
"
Twenty-four years ago, a powerful pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates was caught in a horrible storm. Their ship wrecked on this island, and the only survivor was Baron Omatsuri, the captain. On this island… he met a demonic, sentient plant known as the Lily Carnation, the flower of death and rebirth. The Lily attached to him in a form of symbiosis, and used his memories to create golems of his former crew, in exchange for food. Baron Omatsuri trapped himself in an illusion with his crew still alive, and set up this entire island as a masquerade to lure crews to. The plants, the landscapes, the staff, the Baron's arrows… pure illusions, created by the Lily.
"
He sent out the sole Eternal Pose for the island time and again. Each time, a new group of pirates came and were tested by his Ordeals. At the same time, their bonds and minds were poisoned by the Lily, its influence present throughout the entire island. And after they were broken, they were swallowed alive and digested. This is the fate that befell my crew; the Baron made me watch it, and he spared not one of them despite my pleas. Unable to escape, I made my home in the underground of the island, safe from the Baron. Over the years, I watched many crews come to the island and fall prey to the Lily, despite my efforts to save them. The only group of pirates to escape was the Tearoom Pirates."
A new voice took his place.
"
I am… well, call me Papa. I am the captain of the Tearoom Pirates… and I confess that I was a coward until today. We escaped the Goldfish Catching game and went into hiding on the island when we could not escape. My crewmates, my children, gave me the strength that I needed to be strong today, and with their help, along with the help of the Straw Hat Pirates, I slayed the Lily Carnation."
Brief spoke again.
"
Monkey D. Luffy of the Straw Hat Pirates is the only man ever to face everything that the Baron could throw at him and triumph. We played only a small part in his victory. Crucial, I confess… but small. He now lies here, exhausted and greatly injured, but having succeeded in saving his crew. All of them are still alive. He has triumphed, and no more crews will ever fall victim to this most horrible of fates. Yet, I ask that for those of you who listen, for all of the men and women who came to this island only to be broken and killed more cruelly than imaginable… may they rest in peace now that they have been avenged."
Sengoku frowned before slowly reaching for the snail.
"What are you doing?" Garp asked quietly.
"A number of things that I never would have expected to do in my life," Sengoku replied, dialing a specific number. A moment later, the snail on the other end picked up.
"
Who's calling?" Soundbite mumbled, his usually perky and energetic voice subdued and weary.
"This is Sengoku, Fleet Admiral of the Marine Corps."
Dead silence fell on both ends.
"By my authority as head of the Marines, I hereby grant complete amnesty to all remaining members of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates and the Tearoom Pirates for any crimes committed to this date, for their role in ridding our world of a great evil. And to Monkey D. Luffy, captain of the Straw Hat Pirates…" He paused as he gathered his thoughts and prepared himself for what he was about to say. "While outright amnesty is unfortunately more than I can grant to a crew that has caused as much of a stir as yours, I would be willing to offer you the position of Warlord that has been vacant since Crocodile's dismissal. The Five Elder Stars would doubtless be furious at me offering the position to a D., of all people, but considering what you have done, I would regardless be willing… were it not for the fact that I'm certain that you have no interest in the position."
The image of Monkey D. Luffy smiled and let out a weak chuckle. "
No way. I already told Whitebeard, the Pirate King can't have a boss."
"That's what I thought," Sengoku stated, a ghost of a smile on his face. "I'm sending a fleet to find that island and ensure that any lingering traces of that monster are obliterated, so I suggest that you leave as soon as you and your crew have recovered. Consider this warning my thanks."
Sengoku made to hang up the snail, but Garp reached out to take the speaker. The Fleet Admiral allowed him to take it, and he spoke.
"Luffy… it's Gramps," he said quietly, tears streaming down his face. "I saw and heard everything. You fought incredibly. I… I'm proud of you, and I'm so glad that you're still alive."
"
Heh… thanks, Gramps. Me too. So, does this mean you're alright with me being Pirate King?"
"Tch… cheeky brat," Garp chuckled weakly. "We'll talk about that when I'm
not too happy to think straight. Expect me to pay you a visit as soon as I'm done making sure that
monster never comes back."
With that, he hung up the snail.
-o-
The six officers of Navarone remained silent as the sounds of the SBS slowly diminished, none on Omatsuri Island able to spare the thought that the broadcast was still going on, but nothing came through now apart from a welcome silence.
Finally, the red-haired man broke the silence, turning to his wife. "I believe that we've received all the indication we need, Jessica. Do you agree?"
The head chef of the base gazed at the fitfully sleeping Transponder Snail in the room for a moment before giving her husband a firm look. "Personally, Jonathan? Considering what we had to do to get to this point, I was ready to agree the moment I saw the proposition." She smirked wryly. "I'm glad some of your fisherman's patience has rubbed off on me over the years, because there's never going to be a better opportunity to change things than this."
Drake shot confused looks between the top two of G8 in nervous confusion. "Ah… Excuse me, Commander, Chef Jessica, but… what are you talking about?" he asked in concern.
The married couple exchanged glances before focusing on the lieutenant commander. "Tell me, Drake: do you know the difference between a good Marine and a decent Marine?" Jessica asked.
Drake blinked, looking puzzled. "Uh… the difference in how well they do their jobs?"
"To an extent, that's true..." Jonathan nodded slightly as he conceded the point. "But... tell me, if I were to define it for you as such…" He opened a drawer in his desk, withdrawing the letter he had received from Cross and reading the significant section out loud. "'A good Marine follows his orders to the letter and sacrifices everything for the sake of Justice, while a decent Marine sacrifices everything for the sake of all…
even Justice, if it comes down to it.'" He gave his officers a significant look. "If I were to define it like that… which would you want to be?"
The officers glanced at one another as they tried to think things over for a bit before ultimately snapping to attention. Drake in particular looked Jonathan dead in the eye as he folded his arms. "Obviously I'd choose to be decent when you put it that way. Anyone in Navarone would say the same."
"Ourselves included," Cormac nodded, Holger and Henrick nodding in agreement as well.
"Then let me ask you something else: are you willing to prove it, even if it means risking your life at the hands of the ones you serve?" Jonathan asked, getting to his feet and staring his officers in the eyes one by one, his expression dead serious. "I've been asking myself that question ever since the Straw Hat Pirates left this base, and at this point, I've found my answer. Akainu alone is proof that the Marine Corps isn't everything it should be; I tricked him into believing that I supported his brand of Justice, and that's the only reason I'm still alive. I'm going to see what I can do to put a stop to it. The question is… Drake, Cormac, Henrick, Holger, are you all with me?"
The four of them stood there, staring slack-jawed at their commanding officer. It was a testament to the men's loyalty, however, that it was only a few seconds before they snapped into salutes.
"I will follow the Justice that you see fit to follow, Vice Admiral Jonathan," Drake stated firmly.
"Sir!" the other three officers chorused as they snapped into uniform salutes.
"Good. Then let's find out what this is all about," Jessica said, dialing the number on Cross' letter into the Transponder Snail. A few rings later…
"
Pisces," stated a female voice.
"Who am I speaking to?" Jonathan asked, ignoring the oddity of what she said.
"…
Password?"
Jonathan blinked, and glanced back at the note, only for Terry and Isaiah to earn his attention with their cries. The pair of them hastily wrote out a note, which Jonathan read out loud. "Um… Old Spice?"
"
Correct. Vice Admiral Jonathan of Marine Branch G-8 on the island of Navarone?"
"Speaking. Also present are my officers, Lieutenant Commander Drake, Lieutenant Cormac, Ensign Henrick, and Chief Petty Officer Holger, and my wife, Navarone's head chef, Jessica."
"
And what do you consider yourselves to be?"
"We are decent Marines, ma'am," Drake stated firmly, the other three echoing him.
"As he said," Jonathan stated. The snail smiled.
"
You have no idea how happy and relieved I am to hear that," it sighed in relief, but then grimaced. "
On the other hand, Cross is never going to let us hear the end of this one…"
A sterner expression came across the snail's face.
"
It's a small price to pay for something like this, Tashigi. Vice Admiral Jonathan. I am Commodore Smoker, codename Cancer, one of the cofounders of the organization MI4…"
-o-
On a certain island in an ocean that most would consider to be the end of the world, a certain pirate crew were morosely sitting around. The SBS broadcast hadn't ended, but little but silence had come after the two amnested pirate captains left to bury the Baron, to the point that their snail had fallen asleep, both to their and its great relief. None of the humans, though, had been able to fall asleep that night, still worried about the Straw Hat Pirates' fate; dead though the monsters were, Luffy was still heavily injured, and the rest of the crew had been in the midst of digestion. And so they were left to wait until dawn crept over the horizon.
"
Aaaah…" the snail suddenly yawned, snapping all attention back to it as it slowly woke up and spoke in a voice that the world had feared (and hoped) was silenced. "
Damn, that was a nice nap! I haven't slept so good in a while!"
"
Tell me about it, Cross, I didn't think that the Merry could be… so… wait a second…" Nami's voice trailed off in confusion rising in shock. "
This isn't the Merry! Where are we!? And what the hell am I wearing anyways!?"
"
You!? What about me!?" Vivi demanded. "
I look like a porcelain doll, and—! And… Carue, why are you sniffing me?"
"
Because fo' sahm weason, you smeww wike wiwacs and wivah weeds."
"
Wait, what!? Desert Goddess Number 12!? I swore that I'd only ever wear this concoction on my deathbed, and even then they'd have to fight my undead corpse to get it on me!"
"
Well, I, for one, think that it smells delightful on you, my dear princess~!" Sanji cried jubilantly.
"
Maybe that's exactly why she doesn't
want to wear it, shit-cook."
"
REPEAT THAT, MOSS-FOR-BRAINS!"
"
Rise and shine, boys, we've slept long enough! WAKE UP!" Boss barked, followed by four splashes in swift succession. "'
Scuse me, I gotta go and teach these dipshits the penalties of sleeping in. Be right back!" And just like that there was yet another splash.
"
Will you guys please calm down already!? You're giving me a headache, my head's pounding
for some reason!" Usopp pleaded desperately. "
Also, has anyone seen my goggles!? I can't find them anywhere!"
"
Mister Reindeer!" Daisy cried happily.
"
Wha—AH!" came Chopper's voice, the sound of a young girl slamming into his furry body coming across the connection. "
Uh, w-who are you and why are you hugging me?"
"
I'm right there with you, Chopper," Su said, halfway between groaning and purring. "
Conis seems really huggy right now!"
"
I don't know why, I'm just so-o-oooo happy to see you-u-u…" Conis sobbed joyously.
"
Ah… not to lay it in there…" Lassoo spoke up hesitantly. "
But, ah, I feel a few quarts low. As in 'I feel like I laid down enough fire for a commando unit' low!"
"
I don't mean to alarm anyone…" the mystery crewmate cut in. "
But does anyone quite remember what occurred… last night, judging by the sun's position? Because for my part, I find myself sporting a frankly disturbing gap in my memories."
"
Eh? Tsk, of course I remember, woman!" Zoro scoffed. "
Last night, we… ah… we…" He slowly trailed off in realization. "
Wow, I must have really gotten into some good shit last night."
"
Now you see exactly
why I don't drink! Besides my opinion that all alcohol tastes like piss to me, anyway."
"…
You don't remember anything either, do you Cross?" Nami blandly accused.
"
Ah, ah, ah… SOUNDBITE!" the tactician yelped swiftly. "
Soundbite sure as hell doesn't drink, and he hasn't said anything yet! Plus, if it's enemy action, with any luck they'd have overlooked him so long as he was smart enough to clam up. Fat chance, I know, but hey, a guy can dream! So, what do you say, Soundbite? Anything you want… to… uh… are you alri—?"
"
BWAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"
GAH! WHAT THE HELL, SOUNDBITE!?"
"
I-I'M SOOORRYYY!" Soundbite sobbed miserably, clearly a mess of tears and snot. "
I-I-I'M JUST SO HAPPY Y-YOU'RE all aliiiive! E-ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO
Luffy..."
"
Eh? Luffy?" Nami blinked in confusion. "
What are you—Hey, wait, where is
Luffy? Why hasn't he said anything?"
"
Oh, I see him, he's over there! I'll go and wake him up!" Usopp offered. "
Hey, Luffy, do you remember—? Eh? Luffy? Why are you covered… in… AGH! GUYS, LUFFY'S HURT ALL OVER, IT'S BAD!"
"
WHAT!?" the crew chorused in shock.
"
HELP, WE NEED A DOCTOR!" Chopper started to sob before transitioning to a roar.
"
CRAZY OR SANE, EITHER WORKS, JUST GET TO WORK, CHOPPER!" Sanji ordered.
"
AGREED! BEGINNING THE OPERATION!"
"
Ah, Cross?" Conis interjected nervously. "
Maybe you should hang up the SBS. I doubt your viewers would enjoy listening to more, well…"
"
Eh? Hang up the—!? Wait, how long has this thing been on!?"
"
With any luck? Maybe all night," Lassoo suggested. "
Why don't you try asking the world, maybe someone was willing to stay up long enough to tell us what the heck happened?"
"Yeah, that works. Alright, let's see... uh, hello, viewers. So, ah, Soundbite's bawling his eyes out, Luffy looks worse than after his fight with Foxy, and I would say that I feel like I've gone through a keg party, save that I don't have the headache to go with it… not to mention the fact that I never drink alcohol if I can help it in case of this exact
scenario! Nobody seems to remember what happened last night, but it looks like the SBS has been running for a while… could anyone maybe call in and fill in the blanks for us?"
The captain reached for the device, dialed the number, and tapped his fingers against the receiver.
"
Anonymous? Well, as long as someone can tell us… uh, anything, I guess. Alright, I think Soundbite's got the wherewithal needed to blur you, so go ahead and speak. Is there anything we can call you?" Cross asked.
"Let's just say I'm a friend," said Red-Haired Shanks, tears still falling from sheer joy and relief. "I… I suggest that you all settle in. This… this is quite the story."
And so it was.
Cross-Brain AN: Cut. Print. And that's a wrap. First things first: credit to HeroR for the dialog in the Five Elder Stars' section. And second… Geeze, as much work went into this chapter as there was in making the actual movie…
Patient AN: Well, perhaps not that much…but the fact that we started working on this back in April after publishing Chapter 27 and only managed to put the final touches on it by today should give you an idea. And despite that, is this the only movie that we're going to write in?
Xomniac AN: Not even close! And those ones are gonna actually affect canon!…beyond how much this one will, anyways.
Cross-Brain AN: Yeah, the initial plan was for this chapter to have no lasting effects beyond being the final push needed for MI4 to become MI5, courtesy of Jonathan… but Sabo remembering from this ordeal made far too much sense not to put in. But aside from an increased respect for the Straw Hats from all of the places broadcasted, that's the extent of the changes; Omatsuri may be referenced briefly at times, but the nightmare. Is. Over. But unless something inconceivable but too good to pass up happens for Gold or any other movies, the rest of the movies we include will be entirely canon, in every way, shape, and form.
Xomniac AN: Well… this is embarrassing. We promise a post on midnight Sunday after exulting our dedication to our schedule, only to fall way late. Sorry about that, really, but an overseas family reunion combined with the fact that we've been working on this monster since April! I'd call that pretty damn justified, no?
Patient AN: Regardless, however, the fact remains that we've compromised our integrity twice in the past couple of weeks with missing our schedule. In light of that, starting next week, we shall be hearkening to Oda's update pattern. That is, This Bites! shall be on hiatus when One Piece is on hiatus. We need to set more reasonable goals for ourselves, especially with us heading into one of the whammiest arcs in all of One Piece. So, God willing, we'll see you in the coming week. Look out for Chapter 833 to see if we do.
Hornet AN: I'm still not satisfied with this, but if I had my way we'd be scrapping most of the chapter and rewriting it, and that'd take another two weeks. Though… who's to say I can't rewrite it myself…
Well. Looks like Halloween is going to be quite spooky this year…
Xomniac AN: Eh, admittedly it's not quite as glorious as we originally anticipated, but when are they ever really? At the least, we managed to break 40K. And that's something to be proud of, no?
Patient AN: Perhaps so, Ego, perhaps so. But something to be more proud of is that we have now entered the ranks of the top 20 One Piece fics!
Xomniac AN: Heh, tell me about it! That's just flat out awesome. And with any luck… the top 15, 10, even 5 will come soon after! LET'S SHOOT FOR THE TOP, BABY! WOO!
