Hampsterpig
I write stuff.
- Location
- Somewhere in my own head
I recommend you edit all of those into one post before a mod does it for you.
This Bites! (One Piece SI)
- Thread starter Xomniac
- Start date
I recommend you edit all of those into one post before a mod does it for you.
CV12Hornet
Riter.
- Location
- Tacoma, Washington
*puts on military historian hat*
Oh, the Marines still have a lot of striking power, sure, but their ability to hold territory has just taken a colossal hit, and more importantly, their long-term viability as an organization has, too.
For the first, that's the simple attritional arithmetic. They've lost at least thirteen battleships, probably more, when they can't have more than a couple hundred at most. That's sustainable attrition when you're the Army Air Force and can shit out Liberators and their crews at will. It is not sustainable when you're at an early nineteenth century tech level, these are capital ships, and you just lost a major shipyard. Personnel casualties, meanwhile, are well north of ten thousand. The Marines are now unable to defend/take/patrol the amount of sea and land they could before Enies Lobby.
For the second, the rebellions just massively shrank their recruiting pool. As mentioned, one of their major shipyards is an inch from going rogue. A quarter of their gold reserves are gone. And their equivalent of West Point was hit by a pirate known for killing lots of people.
The point is, while the top of the Marines are still intact, they just got some massive holes kicked in their foundation and load-bearing walls.
Virgo with cheer
Also The Evil Within, just so Yaknow.
- Location
- The Place of No Return: Canada
Ah, sorry about the multiple posts all in a line, my tablet has this weird letter constriction thing where it 'decides' I've written enough in a text box, and just posts it. It's really fucking annoying. That's right, I swore, put on the big boy pants.
Thats all completely valid here on Earth.
In One Piece world where men are living weapons of mass destruction its not half as bad as that. However we can expect a rather severe beatdown of the rebellions to occur at this point.
But Jerry Cross just got put on Supreme Commander Kongs shitlist which not a place a living man wants to be.
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FaeGlade Plural
Semper Legens
- Location
- Land of Bureaucracy
- Pronouns
- Plural/They
Also, those losses can easily create a downwards spiral, especially with all the turmoil they now have to deal with.
Remember that the Marines literary try to control the entire world. They've just now lost a good amount of their ability to do so, even if it's just, say, 5% (in which case they'd have 260 battleships and 200.000 soldiers, and of course their gold reserves were given as a percentage and might just hurt the most) . They have two choices:
- they can spread their remaining forces out more. This will however leave each individual force more vulnerable to pirate and rebel attacks, leading to a general increase in losses.
- they can abandon certain regions. This can be done strategically to concentrate on the most valuable regions. However, no matter how it's done, it's likely to hurt their ability to recover from these losses.
Now, they didn't lose any of their really strong assets. But it's clearly not those they need to keep their control, that's what they need battleships and soldiers for. And this whole debacle might have just sent that part into a downward spiral. One they can certainly attempt to stop, but that'll be an uphill battle.
Remember that the Marines literary try to control the entire world. They've just now lost a good amount of their ability to do so, even if it's just, say, 5% (in which case they'd have 260 battleships and 200.000 soldiers, and of course their gold reserves were given as a percentage and might just hurt the most) . They have two choices:
- they can spread their remaining forces out more. This will however leave each individual force more vulnerable to pirate and rebel attacks, leading to a general increase in losses.
- they can abandon certain regions. This can be done strategically to concentrate on the most valuable regions. However, no matter how it's done, it's likely to hurt their ability to recover from these losses.
Now, they didn't lose any of their really strong assets. But it's clearly not those they need to keep their control, that's what they need battleships and soldiers for. And this whole debacle might have just sent that part into a downward spiral. One they can certainly attempt to stop, but that'll be an uphill battle.
Very true but outside the Grand Line what you're looking at is about 1-2 Captains per rebellion with only needing to shuffle greater resources to where the Revs are active. You'll also have the other 8 Cipher Pols going active.
We also need to remember that for all their power most of the Supernovas of the Worst Generation arent as lucky or powerful as the Strawhats.
We also need to remember that Garp laid back Gramps though he is would slaughter/arrest anyone but Luffy's crew or Ace and even Ace would need to run alot faster than Luffy had to.
We also need to remember that for all their power most of the Supernovas of the Worst Generation arent as lucky or powerful as the Strawhats.
We also need to remember that Garp laid back Gramps though he is would slaughter/arrest anyone but Luffy's crew or Ace and even Ace would need to run alot faster than Luffy had to.
The This Bites! Top Ten Omake Dump!
CV12Hornet
Riter.
- Location
- Tacoma, Washington
Some of you may have noticed something regarding This Bites!: namely, that the fic reached #10 in favorites for all One Piece fanfics earlier today. For such a momentous occasion, we had to do something to celebrate, and I am pleased to announce that said celebration is now live.
Starting today, I will be reposting threadmarked omakes, written by fans on the Spacebattles forums, on Fanfiction.net, leaving them all conveniently gathered in one place. Enjoy!
Starting today, I will be reposting threadmarked omakes, written by fans on the Spacebattles forums, on Fanfiction.net, leaving them all conveniently gathered in one place. Enjoy!
- Location
- Online
Point. But here's the thing: In canon one of the World Nobles spent...well it was a sum that every King/Queen in the auction couldn't match. Now from what little we've seen of the of the Dragons wealth that seems to be the norm. There's also the fact that we heard a Pasifista costs as much as a battleship yet we usually see an army of them. This bring up the question exactly how much money does the WG have at it's disposal if this is their normal spending habits.
Point. But i must point out that if that was enough then the WG would already have every island under it's control.
The Patient One
A young body, an old mind, and a child's spirit.
- Location
- United States of America
Attention to all fans of This Bites!:
To anyone who sees this message who has a Space Battles account: should you choose to become one of our patrons, we of the Cross-Brain request that you would inform the three of us in a conversation on this site. It is the easiest way for us to keep track of our Patrons who choose to receive chapter previews or answers about the story, and you messaging us makes it more convenient for us to grant you these rewards.
That is all for now. Thanks to all who support us, by wealth or by word; your every positive comment is help to us. As a status report, 42,000 words; we fully intend to reward your patience.
To anyone who sees this message who has a Space Battles account: should you choose to become one of our patrons, we of the Cross-Brain request that you would inform the three of us in a conversation on this site. It is the easiest way for us to keep track of our Patrons who choose to receive chapter previews or answers about the story, and you messaging us makes it more convenient for us to grant you these rewards.
That is all for now. Thanks to all who support us, by wealth or by word; your every positive comment is help to us. As a status report, 42,000 words; we fully intend to reward your patience.
- Location
- The Middle of the Howling Wilderness
- Location
- PLANT Earth
me three years maybe
- Location
- Parts Unknown
My body is ready
I am so turgid you have no idea.
- Location
- Online
What's a patron?
And I was wondering what was going on with the chapter.
And I was wondering what was going on with the chapter.
Xomniac
Clockwork Purveyor of Prose and Originality
And that would be referencing to our Patreon Page, here. Simply put, you pledge money for every chapter we publish in order to support us, and if you meet certain milestones, we'll grant you certain benefits. For example, for a mere $10, we'll allow you to read a 3K preview of the upcoming chapter... though for a limited time only, Patrons will be receiving an 8K review instead! Pledge now, and enjoy the sneak peek!
Chapter 43 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 1 - Part 1
Xomniac
Clockwork Purveyor of Prose and Originality
Chapter 43
Cross-Brain AN: We finally did it. We've reached the top 10. This is the final stretch of our climb to the top, and while surpassing the titans that have established themselves as the top 10 will be the hardest part, we've made it this far. And we're not stopping anytime soon.
Hornet AN: Apropos of nothing, I'm quite pleased I got to properly use the sentences "But first, we need a reaction to her telling physics to bite the pillow." and "So, first off, we need to un-orphan that punchline." while we were writing this.
Cross-Brain AN: Aside from that, our sincerest apologies, loyal fans, but we'll be having to split our planned novel-length chapter in half.
.
.
.
Because we were already hitting 50,000 words at the halfway mark. That, and the cruel beyond all cruelty cliffhanger waiting at the end of this chapter was just too good to pass up.
Xomniac AN: You know what they say: The bigger they come…
It was two days after the incident, and my mind was still reeling from everything that had happened in that time. First, of course, was the memory of the literally divine-sent miracle, which was still enough to make me start laughing from unadulterated joy whenever I thought about it.
…right up until things got scary on account of Merry straight up collapsing in my arms, barely even conscious.
Yeah, see, while becoming a human-ship meant that Merry could now heal from her life-threatening injuries, the fact remained that she actually had life-threatening injuries. The way said injuries translated from carpentry to biology? In the form of her all but being torn in half at the waist beneath her raincoat, along with over a dozen other gaping wounds plaguing her tiny frame.
It had been the very definition of touch and go, with all of us scrambling to get Merry onboard Iceburg's ship and into the vessel's medical bay without aggravating her injuries too badly, followed up by Chopper bodily flinging all of us sans Franky from the room.
The time after that was… beyond tense, with all of us waiting outside the room with bated breath for some sign, any sign of Merry's current condition.
And once that time was up, when Chopper and Franky emerged, weary and bloodstained, we had our answer: Merry was, without a doubt, going to live. She'd have a gaping gash of a scar across her back for the rest of her days and she couldn't take off the metal anklets and choker she was sporting without something falling apart, but she would live. And thanks to Franky's expertise and a number of 'just in case' blueprints of his, even in spite of one of her vertebrae being messily fractured, after a few days of rest, physical therapy and crutches, she'd even be able to walk.
Still… happy as the news was, it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine.
-o-
"So… Merry can never become a ship again?" Usopp asked quietly, his air of quiet horror shared between us all.
"I'm sorry, Usopp," Chopper said, shaking his head sadly as he wiped the blood off of his hands. "But yes. Not without dying."
"It all goes back to that damn crack again," Franky explained with a heavy sigh. "See, while we might have been able to patch her up so that she's fine while she's human, I can tell you as a shipwright that the reinforcement we've put in just won't hold up for even a second if she tries to return to her ship form. If she ever tried to go back…" He snapped his fingers with a grim look. "She'd be ripped in half by her own weight. Sorry, guys, but it doesn't matter how long we wait or what we do. Our initial summary was right: the Going Merry's days as your ship are done."
"Oh, Ra…" Vivi whispered hoarsely.
Solemn silence seasoned with horror fell over us all. It lasted for half a minute…
"That's fine."
Before our captain's serious-mode voice broke it.
"Luffy—!" Nami started indignantly.
"What?" the rubber man blinked at her in honest confusion. "You guys all heard her, right? Merry said that her dream is to sail the seas with us, and our goal coming to Water 7 was to make it so that that could happen. Who cares if she can't become a ship anymore? She's still alive and with us, and she can still live her dream." He tilted his head to the side. "Isn't that good enough?"
Yet another silence fell on the room, only this time it was more dumbstruck than anything.
"From dumbass to savant in the blink of an eye," Su deadpanned before glancing at Chopper. "Hey, you managed to make yourself freakishly smart, any chance you can replicate the miracle in this rubber-brain?"
"Hmm… it is a possibility, and an intriguing one, at that. I'll start researching righ—" Chopper's musings were cut off as he fell face-first onto the floor, his Muscle Point-sized snores shaking the air around us.
We took a moment to glance uncomfortably at one another before Conis slowly raised a finger. "Er… how long were you guys in there?"
"Eh…" Franky clenched an eye shut as he cocked his head to the side. "According to the clock I stuffed between my ears? Two hours. And on that note!" The cyborg promptly keeled over onto his back, adding his own snores to Chopper's chorus.
The rest of us barely had enough time to realize what was coming before the sandman thwacked us upside our collective heads and darkness took us.
-o-
The next thing most of us knew, it was around thirty hours later and the less injured of us were waking up back on Water 7 with absolutely killer headaches. And aches just about everywhere else too, for that matter, because damn if we hadn't pushed our bodies to the absolute maximum over the course of our, quote-unquote, 'little' adventure. And we were the ones actually capable of waking up; Luffy, Merry, Carue, Vivi, Soundbite, and Chopper were all still slumbering, the first three due to their excessive injuries and the latter three on account of just how utterly they'd drained their bodies of energy during the fight.
Of course, we weren't ones to let that impact us. And if the fact that Iceburg, Zambai, the square sisters, and the three Galley-La foremen entered not two minutes after we woke up was any indication, that was either common knowledge or expected at this point.
It was a load off my chest and everyone else's when Zambai confirmed that none of the Franky Family had died, though there was no shortage of major injuries among them, with even Oimo and Kashi walking away from the ordeal with a few new scars, though they were particularly proud of them. Point of fact, pretty much everyone was proud of their new trophies, a fact which I took no small amount of pleasure in lording over a thoroughly disgruntled Nami.
Meanwhile, what Iceburg had to tell us was… somewhat less pleasant. CP9 had caused enough damage on their own, we'd known that as we'd left, but the worst Aqua Laguna in living memory had only served to literally throw inhuman amounts of salt in the wounds. But, and he smirked as he said it, Galley-La would have more than enough time on their hands to fix the damage thanks to their dissolved contracts with the World Government meaning that they no longer had a queue of battleships a mile long to complete.
Now that caught us all up short, and Iceburg wasted no time in explaining his reasoning, which the entire island agreed with. More than agreed with, actually, considering how they seemed ready to form an angry mob when the truth of the 'Mass Resignation from Hell' reached them.
But still, as brash and bold as the move appeared on its surface, the truth of Iceburg's actions extended far past the realms of the obvious and delved to depths of true diabolical genius that had Franky ready to start treating him with respect. And all to get back at the Government.
See, as Mayor of Water 7, while he only had direct control over Galley-La, Iceburg's word was tantamount to law where the rest of the companies on Water 7 were concerned. As such, when Tom's old apprentice sent out the word that Water 7 would no longer be servicing 'all those affiliated with the World Government', he didn't just mean that Galley-La would stop working for the Marines. He meant that the entire island would stop working for anyone affiliated with the World Government.
The significance lay in that while Galley-La was the best company on Water 7, Water 7 held the best shipwrights in all of Paradise. Period. The end result of the embargo was that a large number of nations—Pucci, San Faldo, and St. Poplar among the most immediate—were being stabbed with Morton's Fork but hard: either abandon the World Government's good graces and face all the consequences that that implied head-on, or abandon Iceburg and attempt to face the seas with ships of notably lesser quality than what came out of Water 7.
And considering the Grand Line's general temperament on a good day? Suffice to say that for many, the 'choice' wasn't actually much of a choice at all, and the fact that the World Government had a large number of more hostile secessions to deal with meant that they were getting ample opportunity to batten the hatches for the inevitable retaliation for staying with Iceburg.
Once Iceburg finished explaining the current state of affairs on the island, we moved onto discussing more important matters, I.E. the current states of our injured crewmates. On the surface, everyone who was still out of it looked okay, but in reality… well, simply put, the physician who was looking over us in Chopper's place had quite a bit to say.
-o-
"—shriveled organs, three-quarters of his blood lost, the rest stretched as thin as nori, less hydration than a cactus, more minute tears in his skin than I can count, and fatigue that should have rendered him unconscious two days ago!"
"…Um, doc? He only got those injuries yesterday—" Zambai began.
"EXACTLY!" the sawbones roared as he jabbed his finger at the dismantler. "He's taken 48 hours' worth of Olympic-grade fatigue in a mere sixth of that time. Which leads me to the following diagnosis: EVEN IF HE IS MADE OF RUBBER, IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE THAT HE IS STILL BREATHING!"
"…You guys have Olympics?" I asked nobody in particular.
I found no small amount of amusement in the way the poor bastard flung his hands up in the air with a wordless cry of frustration.
"Every decade or so, Mariejois hosts them, and similar smaller events occur in the Blues. I probably would have wound up taking my boys and heading to one of them if I hadn't joined up with you guys," Boss answered, before blinking in confusion. "Ah… apropos of nothing, Cross, I just realized that I'm confused about something, too."
"Huh? What, you already knew that my knowledge isn't that comprehensive."
"No, that's not it," he waved me off. "Soundbite's unconscious, that much is obvious and expected…" Boss eyed Soundbite's audibly snoring shell before gesturing at his throat. "So… how am I still talking?"
I opened my mouth and raised a finger, then reversed the action and scratched the back of my head. "Um… Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?"
Boss stared at me silently before nodding in acceptance. "Your logic is sound."
Before I could say anything else, my attention was caught by a sound not unlike whistling steam starting to fill the room. The origin, as it turned out, appeared to be the good doctor, whose face was slowly turning a rather interesting shade of purple, and I swear his head expanded a little bit.
"He looks like a grape about to pop," Robin wryly observed.
I flashed a grin her way. "Have I mentioned how happy I am to have you back, Robin?"
My pseudo-older-sibling chuckled as she tipped her hat in my direction.
The doctor slowly turned a wild-eyed look on Iceburg, who'd been watching the exchange with no small amount of amusement. "Mister Mayor," he seethed viciously. "I'd like to offer you my official prognosis on the Straw Hat Pirates as a whole."
Iceburg hid a snicker behind his hand. "Aheh, a-ah, yes, and that would be, doctor?"
"They're utterly insane."
Nami gave the poor physician a decidedly unimpressed look. "You haven't been in the Grand Line long, have you?"
"I just wanted to write a freaking thesis, damn it!" the doctor sobbed miserably. "But no, instead I wind up in this loony bin of a geographic location! Why the hell did I take career advice from a little girl who was offering it for a few Beris!?"
"I assume because she's really good at what she does?" Mikey offered with an unrepentant grin.
"Ah, Doctor Maple," Iceburg hastily spoke up as the poor sap of a physician started to turn a demented gaze on the Dugong. "I believe you were informing these fine folks of the current states of their comrades?"
The Doctor continued to twitch for a bit before heavily huffing out as much of his frustration as he could manage and refocusing on the clipboard he was carrying. "Alright… alright… let's see… might as well start with the most normal case here, the princess."
"Grrraagh…"
The doctor cut himself off as a pained gurgle came from the direction of another bed.
"Or… the duck, I suppose. The duck could work, too," he hesitantly conceded.
Said duck was leaning up in his bed, blearily rubbing his head with his bandaged wing. "Ish… Ish she alwight?" he squawked painfully.
"Ah…" I helped the doctor out by jerking my head at Vivi. "Ah! Y-Yes, she's fine! She has some broken bones, a few fractured ribs and scratches a little bit everywhere, and she's suffering from an acute case of exhaustion—nowhere near the levels of that monster you call a captain, mind you—but apart from that she's mostly fine.
"The worst injury she received…" He gestured at Vivi's bandaged midsection. "Would be that, quite frankly, impressive case of road rash that she's sporting on her midsection. That will be leaving quite the scar. Though, heh…" The doctor chuckled mirthlessly as he fiddled with his clipboard. "From what I know of people in your profession, I'm certain she won't mi—!"
"Doctor?"
Sanji's tone was perfectly calm and even, but the doctor nonetheless fell silent. Most likely because of the ambient temperature in the room suddenly ratcheting up a few degrees in spite of Sanji's only motion being to light his cigarette.
"You may not be aware of this, but the sea restaurant Baratie didn't have much in the way of medical treatment. As such, we more often used what we had onboard to make ends meet. Suffice to say that more often than not, the results were…" Sanji sighed out a roiling cloud of smoke. "Not that positive. In light of this information, I recommend that unless you'd like me to demonstrate some of those treatments firsthand, you refrain from finishing that sentence. Is that clear?"
The doctor's fearful whimper was answer enough.
Meanwhile, ignoring the exchange, Carue slowly began struggling to get to his talons. "Aye… Aye haf ta get up… haf tah get back tah—"
THWOCK!
"—haaaaaah…"
Carue's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he flopped forwards onto his beak and began snoring, showing off a syringe that had buried itself in his rump.
I glanced at Chopper, all ready to compliment him on the shot (heh), and then I felt my face turn blue.
"Is he… even… awake?" I croaked fearfully as I watched Chopper continue to slumber peacefully.
"No, Cross. He is not," Robin replied, appearing rather nervous herself. Along with everyone else in the room that was conscious, for that matter, and I'm fairly certain that more than a few of the KO ones started to sweat.
"Ergh…" Doctor Maple groaned as he eyed our Zoan crewmate. "That's for the best, if I'll be honest. He's one of the worst cases. Granted, his biology makes an accurate diagnosis a bit difficult, but what I've got so far is… quite frankly disturbing. Multiple puncture wounds all over his body, extreme amounts of stress to his skeleton and musculature, he's been beaten within an inch of his life, suffered second degree burns to his chest…" He topped it all off with a sidelong glare at Luffy. "And he's anywhere from half to three-quarters as exhausted as your captain. I'll be honest: I might not have been in the Grand Line long, but in my time here I have treated a few Zoan-types, and I've seen them live through some rather insane damage. But seeing this… I still have no idea how on earth he's still alive."
"What can we say?" Usopp chuckled with a weak smile. "He's one hell of a monster."
"Hey!" I protested in indignation. "He's a demon. Get your terminology straight, why dontcha?"
The doctor rolled his eyes as we all shared a laugh at that. "Anyway… I'm just going to go ahead and move past your pet snail, because I'm not a veterinari—AGH!"
"First off, his name is Soundbite, and he is my partner," I droned tonelessly as I clenched my fingers around the man's shoulder. "And second, I suggest that for the sake of your arm, you learn." I redoubled my grip. "Fast."
Going by the way the doctor suddenly stiffened in my grasp, he definitely felt it as everyone conscious in the room joined me in pinning him, some simply with stares in place of glares, but the message was clear. The poor sap swallowed and nodded, and as I relaxed my hand, he carefully picked up Soundbite and looked him over.
"Mmmrgh… a-alright… h-his shell looks fine besides a few cracks here and there, though they look old…" He shut his eye as he stared into Soundbite's shell. "He's normally gray, right?" I nodded in agreement. "Then I… think he's a healthy color? Apart from that, ah… going by his power set, maybe a sore throat and most likely some exhaustion of his own." He gave me a terrified look. "T-There, is that good enough for you?"
I smiled beatifically as I released his shoulder in favor of plucking Soundbite from his grasp. "Perfect."
The doctor straightened his coat out as he nervously side-eyed me. "A-Anyway, t-the rest of you are all fine, relatively speaking. Scratches, a few fractures here and there, nothing truly major to worry about. In the end, I suppose the last person who needs to be mentioned is, well…" He cast a softer look at the person in the room who was simultaneously our newest crewmate and one of our oldest comrades. "Her."
We all looked nervously at Merry as the doctor reshuffled through his notes.
"Well, I never thought that I'd say this, but your doctor and Franky did good work; your friend… Merry, was it?" He noted her name down when Nami nodded. "Merry is in no immediate danger, and once she wakes up, she should be stable to move about on her own after a few days of crutches and physical therapy. I also gave her a basic physical, and aside from structural damage around her neck and feet that those metal braces are keeping surprisingly stable, she seems healthy. But!"
He promptly snapped his finger up. "You need to make sure that she takes it easy for the next few days; the damage to her spine is healing fast, but not even Zoan-levels of fast are enough that it will be done when she awakens. Which, given your crew's inordinate level of strength, I'd estimate will be in another twenty-four hours at the latest. From there, if what I've been told is accurate, I think that you'll need Galley-La's help as much as mine; she may seem to be fully human now, but there are bound to still be some carryovers from her original form, even in her alternate form."
"So… all in all, everyone's healthy enough?" Nami concluded.
"The ones who are unconscious should stay that way for their own good, but as long as you don't get into any more serious fights in the next few days?" He gave us all a flat look. "Which, given your reputations I sincerely doubt you can accomplish? Yes, you're all clear. Even if, by all standards of modern medicine, most of you should be dead ten to twenty times over."
I sighed in relief as I breezed past the last bit of what the doctor had said; I had never doubted that we'd win against Enies Lobby, but I won't deny that after what I'd gone through on Skypiea, I'd been worrying about someone suffering some form of lasting damage.
Granted, we hadn't come out of there entirely unchanged: Nami was still pretty mellowed out, Vivi'd taken a hell of a blow, Merry wasn't totally alright, and I was planning on making the bandages across my face a permanent fixture on account of how they looked leagues better than the gaping crevasse Hattori had left in my face and nose, but all things considered, I couldn't really complain about the way things had turned out.
"In that case."
Iceburg's voice cut through my relief like a knife, drawing everyone's attention. His impassible expression did little to alleviate the tension. "I believe that you owe me an explanation now, Jeremiah Cross."
"Oh, yeah…" Paulie slowly narrowed his eyes as he and the rest of the Family and Galley-La's execs rounded on me. "Almost forgot about that little promise."
I took a moment to glance around, confirming that Robin and Franky were both looking at me as well, before nodding with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, alright. Chances are I'll be telling this tale again sooner or later, so I suppose a rehearsal wouldn't be the worst thing. But still!" I promptly snapped a finger up. "This is sensitive information; the fewer people who hear what I'm about to say, the better. If you wouldn't mind…?"
"Already going," Doctor Maple said, leaving the room with no small amount of haste (or panic, either or).
"I trust these three with my life, Cross," Iceburg stated as he crossed his arms.
"The same from me," Franky snorted as he brought his forearms together and flexed.
I eyed the execs that were hanging around with determined looks before sighing and shaking my head. Well, if they insisted on being stubborn… "Your funeral. Guess I can't really blame you if you're determined to lose whatever measure of sanity you have le—"
"Later, big bro!" the square sisters chorused, shooting out of the house like they were cats and it was full of rocking chairs.
"Wait up!" Lulu called as he chased after them.
"DITTO!" Tilestone howled as he followed his comrade.
I watched them leave before regarding the remaining two with a raised eyebrow. "And you?"
To their credit, Zambai and Paulie only took a second to exchange a look before nodding firmly. "We're staying," they said in unison.
I considered matters for a moment before mentally shrugging. Just the seconds-in-commands would be more manageable than them all. As such, with preparations complete, I positioned myself in such a spot that I could observe everybody pertinent to the discussion.
"Given how… most everybody I'm talking to is pretty damn smart—"
"HEY!"
"I'll do you the courtesy of settling for the quick version: simply put, everything that I know that I shouldn't, I know because I read about it in a story."
As everyone's jaws slowly dropped in shock, I started ticking off my fingers. "Past, present, future; everything pertinent to the rise of Roger's successor to his throne and even a few key factoids and details that are only tangentially relevant, I have in my head. It wasn't finished when I read it, so I only know a little more than half of where it goes and more than a few of the answers to the big mysteries remain question marks, but…" I spread my arms, indicating the room in general. "I think it's pretty damn self-evident that what I've got has been more than enough to cause some serious change and uproar."
Most everyone who was hearing this for the first time was too stunned to reply properly, desperately trying to process what I'd just said. Eventually, however, one person managed to force the expected words out.
"Where in the world could you have possibly read a story like that, Cross?" Robin asked incredulously.
I slowly donned a smirk as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Funny you should word it like that, Robin."
As expected of the final graduate of an institution called the Tree of Knowledge, that was all that she needed to understand. And her reaction wasn't disappointing either, what with her entire body stiffening and her pupils shrinking as she sucked in a sudden breath. "You're… You're from another world?" she stammered numbly.
"Eh!?" every listener save Iceburg yelped, every eye turning to Robin.
"One far different from this one, aye," I nodded in confirmation. "Though I'm still entirely human, I assure you."
"EH!?" the trio roared even louder as they looked back at me.
"As for the circumstances for my arriving in this world, well…" I forged on, ignoring the now unanimously dumbstruck expressions of my audience. "The story I read, entitled One Piece, was one of the more popular contemporary tales in my world. And me? I just was one of many fans who read it, a totally ordinary person."
A weary sigh worked its way from my chest as I reached up to pinch the bridge of its nose. "That all changed when a… I don't know, a force, a god, whatever it is, identifying itself as a 'Bastard Random Omnipotent Being', decided to up and fling me into this world with nothing but the clothes on my back, all for the shits and giggles it would get from watching my adventures. After that happened, I landed on a deserted island in the East Blue, met that little parasite over there—" I nodded my head at Soundbite's shell. "And, well, the rest, as they say, is history."
Dead silence descended from there. Paulie and Zambai were looking a little dizzy, and Iceburg was openly gaping at me, any semblance of composure lost. Oddly enough, though, our two crewmates, current and future alike, only looked somewhat shocked, their expressions slowly returning to neutrality, though our archaeologist still had a sheen of sweat present on her brow. Eventually, Robin broke the silence.
"So, if I'm understanding you correctly," she began. "We're all technically characters in a story you read?"
I smiled nervously, rubbing the back of my head . "Uh… isn't every person already the hero of their own—?"
"Plagiarist~!" Su sang from the sidelines.
"Cross."
I flinched at the practically whip-like intensity of the word before shrinking in on myself. "I, ah, have long since acknowledged everyone as being living breathing people and not merely fictional entities?" I tried hesitantly. "…and you were always one of my favorite characters? T-Though that was only the m-mere basis of my endeavors to, ah…" I lapsed into silence before hanging my head in defeat. "Screw it, I don't know how the hell you word something like this and I trust you're smart enough to know that I haven't been bullshitting you. So… are we good?"
Robin stared impassively at me for what felt like an eternity before sighing and bringing a hand up to massage her forehead. "I'm not mad, Cross. After all, I suspect that I better than anyone have a decent idea of what your dilemma was like."
I started to sigh in relief—
"However."
"GAH! OWOWOWOW!" I yelped in agony as I suddenly found my ear getting yanked to the side.
I was vaguely aware of Nami whistling as she watched me struggle and flail. "Geeze, you really make being a hammer look inviting, Robin."
"QUIET IN THE PEANUT GALLER—YEOW!"
"I am fairly irritated that you didn't even consider telling me all of this once I'd joined!" Robin scolded me in a vexed tone.
"OwowowOW! LET GO, DAMN IT!" I finally managed to swat the hand off my ear and shoulder, and took the opportunity it gave me to cast a glare at Robin. "And when the hell would I have had the chance to do that, hm!?" I demanded incredulously. "Before we both almost got flash-frozen, during which time there was still a goodly chance of you snapping my neck before making a break for it, or after, when you were looking left, right, and center for a chance to make a run for it!?"
That got an embarrassed blush from Robin, prompting a cough into her fist, her eyes pointedly away from mine. "I, ah… that is to say… call it even."
"'Even' my—!"
THWACK!
"Ouch!" I yelped, clutching my throbbing skull.
"Watch what you say to a lady, shit-mouth," Sanji fumed indignantly.
"I'll say whatever the hell I want to my own sister, crap-cook!" I shot back, crossing my arms with a huff. "And trust me, I've had more than enough experience with my own biological sibling. This is perfectly normal for brothers and sisters, so unless you have any reason to say otherwise—"
"Yo, can I get a word in edgewise, here?"
I turned towards Franky as he spoke up, noting the frown on his face and his crossed arms even as Sanji began coughing. Must have inhaled his cigarette wrong again.
"Look," Franky said with a wave of his hand. "I realize that the Grand Line is nutso and everything, and I've seen some pretty nutty stuff myself, but c'mon Cross. An explanation like that? Even I have to draw the line and call you a little nuts, no matter how crazy good your intel's been up until now."
Things were quiet for a bit until Iceburg sighed wearily. "As much as it pains me to agree with Flim-Flam here—"
"I think I might even prefer Flunky," the cyborg muttered.
"—your story is a bit… out there. Do you have any kind of proof, anything at all, that could prove your words beyond any doubt?"
I blinked in honest surprise before frowning. Honestly, it wasn't that much of an unreasonable request, just a difficult one. My eyes started to wander around the room as I contemplated what I could use as a solution. What was something I could do that nobody knew about ye—?
I had to resist the urge to cackle as my gaze alighted upon the answer to my problems. And so, moving fast, I strode over to a corner of the room and opened the fridge, palming the first trio of bottles I could find.
"Well, if you insist…" I only just managed to hide the sheer levels of amused sadism I was feeling as I stood up and shuffled towards the cyborg. "But first, since I imagine you're either out of Cola or, going by your hairdo, running low, mind opening your gut-fridge?"
"Eh?" Franky blinked in confusion even as he complied, clicking his gut-piece open. "Sure thing, thanks for—!"
CLUNK!
"HEY!" he yelped as I wrenched the empty bottles out and shoved in a new trio that were obviously not Cola. "WHAT THE HELL DO Y—EOW!"
All anyone in the room could do was stare in shock as Franky's hair draped down around his face and he busted out into a dance routine that ended with his finger pointed high in the air. "EVERYONE GET DOWN AND GET FUNKY, BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THRILLA! GAH!" The mob-boss then ripped the bottles from his gut and tossed them away. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST MAKE ME DO!?"
"Ooooh, nothing much," I smirked as I made a show of examining my (nonexistent and bandage-covered) nails. "I just decided to show off what happens whenever you go, shall we say, 'non-kosher'?" I then directed my impish grin to the rest of the room. "And for the record, that was just pumpkin juice. Vegetable juice gets him acting like a hippie, and tea turns him into a pansy-ass farmer! Anybody else up for finding out what other drinks will do?"
Franky paled as literally everyone gained mischievous glints in their eyes. "H-Hey, what the hell do you think you're all looking at!? I'm not some kind of a sideshow—AGH!" His protests were cut off when Zoro, Sanji and Boss all dogpiled him at once, while the rest of my crewmates started ransacking the room for beverages.
"Hey, I found some—! Eurgh, spinach juice?!" Mikey recoiled in disgust before flinging the bottle over to our crewmates. "Worth a shot!"
"Don't even—YOHOHOOOO!" Franky suddenly shot to his feet and actually flung our three strongest off of him as he started flexing, his hair morphing into a sailor's cap in appearance. "CHECK IT! I'M STRONG TO THE VERY FINISH BECAUSE I ALWAYS EAT MY SPINACH! AND WHEN I SAY STRONG, I MEAN STRONGAH THAN STRONG! LIKE HELL!" Franky capped it off by knocking the bottles out with a roar. "THAT SHIT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING! AND AS FOR THE REST OF—HEY!" His being restrained again cut off his rant.
"Oooh, looky here!" Su perched herself on a trio of bottles. "Ale and a mind, both terrible things to waste! At least these are going to a good cause!" And with that she rolled them all towards the fray.
"FORSOOTH, SQUIRES! I am Ser Iron Ass the Blacksmith! I haileth from the land of FANTASIA! OH, COME ON!"
"I was saving this for lunch…" Paulie mused as he drew a bottle of grape juice from his jacket and weighed it in his hand. "But this is so worth it! Consider this payback for all the years of shit you've put me through, iron-ass!"
The bottle was tossed into the fray and dutifully slotted in. "If you're wonderin' why I'm wearin' a toga, it's cause I feel like emulatin' the city of wine! AVE ROMA! THAT ONE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"
Conis bit her lip as she rolled a bottle in her hands. "This might be a bit mean…" She then smiled apologetically as she held the bottle out for someone to grab. "But I'm sorry, this is too funny!"
"Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho~, I'M ABOUT TO POP A—!"
"OKAY, THAT'S TMI!" I yelped as I yanked the milk out.
"Alright, enough!" Zambai suddenly roared, shoving everyone off of his big bro and helping him to his feet. "That was funny and all, but Big Bro Franky isn't a lab rat, you jerks! Here ya go, big bro." Zambai handed him a trio of appropriately shaped bottles. "Good as new!"
Franky didn't waste a moment before he popped the bottles in and heaved a grateful sigh as his pompadour sprung back to life. "Ah, that's better! Thanks, Zambai, I'm back to normal!" Franky started flexing demonstratively. "Man, I feel super! Super super, even! And ya know what? I wanna get even more super! I wanna move, I wanna exercise! I WANNA GET FITTAH! WHAT THE HELL!" Franky ripped the bottles out as he roared at his subordinate. "DIET COLA!? YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!"
"HAHAHAHA!" Zambai was practically rolling on the floor, he was laughing so loud. "SORRY, BIG BRO, I COULDN'T RESIST!"
"YOOOU…" Franky fumed murderously.
"Hey, Franky, before you kick his ass," Sanji cut in, tapping his shoulder. "Just checking, but you and Iceburg believe Cross now, right?"
"Eh?" Franky blinked over his shoulder before nodding "Ah… yeah, I believe him now. Not like I have much choice, right? I only ever experimented with alternate fuels once, and nobody was around to see it. Only way he could have learned it—!"
"Was from watching Chopper toss you tea and veggie juice while you were in Enies Lobby's kitchen," I answered with a smirk.
"…Yeah, that."
"I'm satisfied as well," Iceburg nodded in confirmation.
I started to pump my fist victoriously…
"Good."
And then I froze up without warning when the voice of pure evil hit my ears, and I suddenly felt my sins start to crawl upon my back.
Slowly, dreading what I would find, I turned around to face the evil that I just knew was lurking behind me, and promptly regretted the action as I found myself staring at a panel of dark judgment: a tengu, an oni and a demon, all staring at me with pure murder in their eyes.
"Time to pay, Cross," they intoned in synch.
I quaked miserably in my bandages, too afraid to even berate the scant few of my 'comrades' who had the gall to laugh at my fate.
Thankfully, for all that karma was a bitch, at least it could be said that she was a unilateral bitch.
"What the hell are you laughing about, Leo?" the oni snarled darkly.
The dugong in question froze mid-laugh, cold sweat cascading down his entire body.
"I haven't forgotten the debt you owe me as well."
The two-sword-style apprentice and I sloooowly exchanged fearful looks.
Soundbite chose that moment to poke his eyestalks out of his shell, his eyes visibly bleary from exhaustion. "Fly, you fools," he croaked, though admittedly, the way he said 'fools' sounded more like 'morons'.
Nevertheless, we took his advice and, to put it lightly…
"AAAAAAAGH!"
De-assed the area with the quickness.
Suffice to say, the chase did not end there.
-o-
Rather, it led us out into the city proper. Have I ever mentioned that I was really grateful for being good at making connections?
"Long live the Union, long live the Union, long live the Union," Leo repeated fervently as the Yagara we were riding flew through the canals.
Because seriously, I was really, really, really grateful for those God-given connections.
I wheezed and panted wearily as I leaned against the edge of the bull's saddle, casting a tired eye back down the canal we'd just rocketed down. "Any, huff, sign of them, hoo?"
"Ah…" Leo, his wits back with him, raised his head to peer over the back of the saddle's lip.
CRACK!
Before shrieking in terror when said lip suddenly blasted apart into a hail of splinters and sawdust. "YES! SIGNS! MANY MANY SIGNS!"
"Sonnuva—!?" I cursed as I swung my gaze around. "The monsters I'd expect to be capable of keeping up with us, but Usopp!? Where the hell could he… be…?" My words died in my throat as a glint shined in the corner of my eye, and I slooowly turned my head to gape up at the summit of Water 7 in horror. "Ooooh you have got to be kidding me. How the hell is this a proportional response!?"
"If it were just for the mermaid, it wouldn't be except for the love cook."
Leo and I froze in horror, slowly turning our gazes to the rooftops lying before us. Two monsters glared right back at us, waves of killer intent roiling around them like a physical force.
"But for me, and Usopp?" the oni growled darkly. "This is just the breaking point for putting up with all of your smartassery for the past. Five. Months. You should count yourself lucky that Nami got brainwashed, or that thunder god she predicted yesterday would be on your ass as well."
I swallowed heavily as I realized just how deep a hole of shit I was in. "Oooookay…" I hedged desperately as I tried to think of some way to keep my head on my shoulders. "Two things in my defense. A: None of you ever asked why I kept calling her 'hagfish', so really, you should have known that something was up."
"For the sake of your health, your other reason had better damn well be better," the demon snarled, smoke and fire coming from his mouth.
"Right, then… more seriously?" I grasped at the last straw I could conceive of. "If I hadn't told you, you could have died."
That caught the two of them off-guard, and they exchanged glances before resuming glaring at me. "And how do you figure that?" the demon asked skeptically.
I hastily scrounged up what few specific details about that scene I could recall. "T-The shock of seeing her like that made you all black out, right? You all stopped trying to breathe, so you didn't swallow enough seawater to drown while she was carrying you. There was a legitimate risk of you drowning if I told you what was coming because you wouldn't immediately black out, a-and I wasn't willing to risk that."
"And you expect us to believe that it wasn't just for another cheap laugh?"
'I'm surprised you've believed me this far!' I thought desperately, but I managed to keep my face from giving away little more than a flat look. "In theory? I'll admit I thought it could be a little funny. But in practice?" I shuddered as the memory flashed unbidden in my mind. "Nooo, it was just as disturbing for me as it was for you, and I saw it coming!"
The oni was silent for a moment before glancing at the demon. "… You know, he has a point there."
"MY RAGE IGNORES THIS."
The blood drained from my face "…Sooo you're still going to kick my ass, then?"
"Yes." Neither of them even hesitated in their response. And so it was that they started to stalk towards us, every step they took increasing the murderous pressure looming over us.
Leo shivered miserably in his shell. "We're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna—!"
"Like hell we are!" I barked in a tone that sounded a lot more confident than I felt. "I've got a plan! Get in front of me, Leo!"
It was a true testament to the Dugong's trust in me that he didn't even hesitate to step up, blades crossed in front of himself. "W-Whatever this plan is, you're sure it's gonna work?"
"Ooooh yeah, it'll work, alright!" I nodded firmly, stepping back as much as I could in the saddle's confines. "No matter what happens, I'll definitely have one less monster to worry about!"
Leo heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, for a second the—wait, what did you just—!?"
Before he could finish, my boot slammed into his ass and punted him clean off of our bull's back. "EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"
"WAAAA—OOF!" Leo's scream of shocked terror suddenly died as he found himself halted in midair. He panted as he hung there for a moment before hanging his head in relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, I was so afraid that I was going to have to fight Zoro…"
"Ahem."
Leo opened his eyes and blinked in confusion, before screaming in horror as he realized that he'd instinctually locked swords with the oni. "CROSS, YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARD!" he howled through his tears as he and his opponent's blades blurred.
"PIRATE!" I shouted back at him as the Yagara sped off at full speed. Still, in spite of the seriousness of the situation, I was utterly exhilarated. I was going to make it! I was actually going to—!
My ride suddenly screeched to a halt, and I couldn't rightly blame him for it because of the fact that the demon was currently hovering in the air before us.
"Figured out Moonwalk, huh?" I squeaked miserably.
"Mm-hmm," the demon snorted before turning his gaze on the Yagara. "Move and you're elevenses."
The bull's response was to shoot its head underwater and quake in place.
"Smart choice."
I inched away from the demon on pure reflex, and went ramrod straight when a thunk sounded out behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and found myself struggling with a raging combo of terror and awe. "Retractable parachute-pack, huh?" I whimpered. "Any chance I could get one of those for myself, maybe incorporate the grappling belt into it? The thing's been working out really well for me so far."
"We can talk once you get out of traction," the Tengu hissed as he took aim at my head.
I swallowed heavily before waving vaguely at my face. "N-Not above the collar, alright? My throat's my livelihood, and my face, well…" I fingered the fresh set of bandages that cut across my face. I was proud of my scars, but there was a limit, and having my nasal cavity open to the world very much crossed it. "CP9 already beat you to it."
"There's only one problem with that idea, Cross."
I glanced over my shoulder—
CRACK!
"GRGHHH…" before whimpering painfully as I clutched my re-broken nose.
"We have exactly zero fucks left to give."
I had all of a second to process the image of a foot rearing back in preparation and the stretching of an elastic slingshot—
"What. Are you doing. Out of bed?"
Before all three of us froze, the demonic images fading and leaving only a nervous-looking Usopp and Sanji as we turned to see a yeti standing on the side of the canal, six syringes between his fingers like claws, and one each sticking out of the nearby Zoro and Leo, who were both paralyzed, fear on their faces. Said yeti was currently staring darkly at us.
"Straining your injuries, and creating more of them for yourselves and others? That won't do, will it? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO THE SAME SO I CAN STOP YOU."
"…Maybe we should have thought this through a bit more," Usopp whimpered in terror.
"Agreed," Sanji and I squeaked.
-o-
Suffice to say that when we woke up early the next morning, the sight of Chopper sleeping nearby, ostensibly peacefully, was enough to cow us into talking things out. After some consideration, realizing that opportunities in the coming sagas would be few and far between, I gave them a promise not to abuse my future knowledge solely for my own amusement again, unless I was certain that it was utterly harmless or unless they were in on it, until we set out from Paradise towards the New World. After considering the phrasing, they accepted that.
Their mistake. After all, that left a boatload of loopholes for me to abuse, not the least of which was that I only promised not to abuse my future knowledge. So, when the future became the present…
Anyway, over the next few hours, everyone else save for Luffy came around without too much incident, one after the other. Vivi complained of some aches and pains as she picked at the unwound roll of gauze tied around her midsection, Carue grumbled and growled as he side-eyed Chopper. Chopper… well, he got up cackling his furry little ass off, but some blunt-force therapy swiftly rectified that and he got to work checking everyone over. As for Soundbite, I think he tried to blare out some kind of an orchestra upon his full revival, but all he did was perform a real-life version of the old 'Letting the air out of the band' gag.
And finally, almost twenty-four hours after the end of our ordeal and her conversion, Merry came awake.
At first, we all clamored around her, either hugging her or asking her how she was, until Chopper forced us all to give her some breathing room. Still, we managed to give her a hug from each of us, with even Zoro reluctantly consenting to offer one. Granted, he only consented after Nami threatened to start charging him for the very air he breathed, but still.
Unfortunately, as nice and heartwarming as the moment was, it just couldn't last forever.
-o-
"So…" Merry hesitantly poked the bandages wrapped over her back as she glanced over her shoulder. "I… can't ever become a ship again?"
"I'm afraid not," Chopper shook his head solemnly. "I'm so sorry, Merry. I'd fix you if I could, but even with Franky's help modern medicine only goes so far and as it is you'll have to use crutches for a few days and—!"
I cut his rambling off by dropping my hand on his shoulder. The vanilla Human-Zoan glanced up at me before taking a calming breath and getting himself back under control.
"I'm sorry, Merry," he reiterated in a calmer tone. "But no, you can't. You're lucky to not be paralyzed at all, but if you ever try going back again, the prospect of a wheelchair will be the least of your problems."
The white-haired girl looked down, her expression unreadable. Silence fell for a full minute. And then…
"…I'm alright with this," she whispered at last.
"Merry—!" Conis started to speak up.
"No, seriously!" Merry hastily waved her arms in denial. "I-I mean it sucks that I can't turn into a ship anymore, t-that I can't… c-carry you… anymore…"
Merry fell silent as she stared down at her lap, visibly fighting to keep herself under control, but eventually she looked back up, a smile on her face even as tears cascaded from her eyes.
"But I'm alive," she whispered joyously. "I'm alive and I'm still with you all and I'm going to stay with you all and… and that means more to me than anything. And if…" She stared at her hands as she flexed them experimentally. "If I have to get used to being a human instead of a ship from now on… as the price for this new life?" She clenched her hands into fists and nodded firmly. "Then I'll accept… no. No, I'll more than accept it!"
Merry looked up with a massive smile, confidence radiating from her small frame. "I'll overcome it! I'll do what this crew always does, and I'll take what it is that makes me special and I'll beat the world over the head with it! I won't stop and I won't back down, no matter wha—GRK!" Merry cut herself off mid-cheer when she tried to punch her fist into the air and wound up freezing in place, a pained expression flashing across her face. "Ah… little help?"
After chuckling a bit while Chopper shook his head and began treating Merry, I took the opportunity to speak up.
"Alright, so now that we've got that particular endeavor established, I think our first priority should be finding out what exactly Merry's capable of now, agreed?"
A general round of agreement sounded out around the room, but before anyone could say anything further Chopper interrupted us with a raised hoof and a cough to draw our attention.
"I, ah, actually think I have somewhere to start," he mused as he scrutinized Merry's back.
"What, really?" the girl-ship blinked over her shoulder at him.
"Maybe…" Chopper tilted his head curiously before glancing to the side and waving his hoof at the TDWS. "Donny, you're relatively smart, would you mind lending me a hand?"
"'Relatively'!?" the purple-bandanna'd dugong squawked indignantly.
Chopper rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Relative compared to me, Donny."
"…Right, I knew that," Donny coughed before hopping onto the bed and joining Chopper behind Merry. "What do you need?"
"Confirmation from someone with flesh and bone for appendages rather than keratin, and before you ask!" he continued as Donny opened his mouth. "My Heavy Point is not delicate enough for the kind of work I'm doing right now."
"Fair enough," Donny shrugged before eyeing Merry's mutilated flesh. "So, what am I—?"
"Try applying some pressure to her flesh, like so." Chopper demonstrated by pushing his hoof into Merry's back.
"Eep!"
Causing her to flinch in shock.
"Like this?" Donny asked, prodding his flipper at the spot indicated.
"Erk!" Merry shivered in place.
"Yes, exactly!" Chopper nodded. "Now, try applying it like this."
"GACK! Hey, what're you—!?"
"So… by doing this then?"
"YEEK!"
"Wait, what—?" Donny blinked before leaning in. "Did she just…?" He poked her again.
"AIE!"
"See, that's what I thought!" Chopper nodded in agreement. "And even if you do it this way—!"
"YEOWCH! MALPRACTICE!"
"Ah, guys?" I spoke up as I watched them continue poking at Merry's back. "Not that this isn't fun and all—!"
"I BEG TO—YIPE!"
"Very FUN!" Soundbite cackled uproariously.
"But what is this in aid of?"
"An utterly fascinating para-biological phenomenon!" Donny grinned eagerly as he moved around to start poking at Merry's upper arm. "See, it feels like she has normal flesh here, right?"
Chopper and Donny seemed too caught up in their conjoined science mode to notice the slight amounts of twitching that were starting to occur in Merry's jaw. Some of the crew did notice and exchanged wary glances, but others, like me, had a good idea where this was going, and smirked in anticipation of the inevitable.
"But, then, you press just right…"
Donny's flipper came in for another poke, this time a little faster, and it bounced off her skin.
"It hardens!" Donny said excitedly. "Heck, I think it might even be as tough as her old hull!" Another poke. "I mean, we don't want to test the full extent, of course—" Another poke. "But maybe we can figure out how she's doing this and—!"
"STOP POKING ME ALREADY!" Merry suddenly shouted, grabbing the nearest thing in reach that could pass for a club—that being Mikey's unfortunately-positioned tail—and swinging said club at her tormentors. Chopper had the wherewithal needed to duck, but Donny?
THWACK!
He wound up halfway through the nearest wall of the room. The nearest solid stone wall.
For a moment, we all just stared at the Dugong's lower body protruding from the wall, some of us in shock and others in barely restrained amusement.
"Science is fun!" Su snickered enthusiastically.
"I beg to differ…" Mikey slurred as he hung in Merry's grip, his eyes spinning dizzily.
"What just happened and what just hit me…?" Donny mumbled out through the wall.
"YOU GOT KNOCKED DA FUGG OUT!" Soundbite cackled uproariously.
"Along with a load of overtime on your reaction-time training," Boss informed him with a roll of his eyes.
"Hmph," Merry sniffed petulantly as she dropped Mikey and crossed her arms. "Jackass."
"…Right, then," Chopper coughed in a tone of forced calm as he readjusted his oh-so-slightly askew hat. "So, her body is the size of a child, but still possesses the proportional strength of a caravel. Well, at least she's got nothing to worry about against Mooks, at least."
I coughed slightly into my fist as I glanced away. "I've been using too much trope-speak…" I muttered to myself.
"Blasphemy!" Soundbite scoffed with a grin.
"To clarify…" Raphey popped her flipper up questioningly. "Just how strong would the 'proportional strength of a caravel' be? No offense, Merry, but compared to some battleships…"
"Compared to battleships she might be tiny, yes," Robin nodded in agreement. "But when compared to us, her normal body was measured on an entirely different weight scale. I dare say we should be grateful she doesn't weigh even half as much as she normally does, or else she would have dragged both Cross and Luffy to the bottom with her."
A sweatdrop hung from Merry's skull as she observed Robin. "Glad to see your morbidly disturbed and twisted sense of humor is back in full force, Robin." Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, and if you try to poke me, I promise you that I will snap your arm off."
Robin's expression remained pleasant, but the hand that had been reaching towards Merry promptly disintegrated into petals. "I'm positive that I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."
A shameless smile stretched across her face, before stretching even further when Vivi and I grabbed her cheeks and tugged.
"Liar~!" we sang, only letting go when a pair of hands thwacked the backs of our skulls.
"Owww…" Robin winced as she rubbed her stinging cheeks before shooting a flustered look at us. "Will you stop… ruining my moments?!"
"You pretty much accepted me as your younger sibling and you no longer have the shadow of death looming over you if I don't act right, so no," I grinned as I folded my arms behind my head.
"And I can't antagonize you in a passive-aggressive manner anymore without feeling like a total bitch for it, so no," Vivi smirked as she crossed her arms triumphantly.
"YER DAYS OF acting all cool and mysterious ARE DEAD AND GONE!" Soundbite concluded with a chortle.
Robin's eye twitched slightly. "Is it too late to go back to the days where I was aloof and everyone regarded me with suspicion?"
"Considering how we all saw Cross give you a noogie?" Zoro leered at her. "Welcome to the lands of normalcy."
Soundbite and I laughed even harder as Robin's head hung in such a manner to show that she was, without a doubt, sulking.
"Alright, alright, fun as this is, if you're all done using me as a lab rat and teasing Robin," Merry interjected. "Do you all mind giving me some space, please? I'd like to empty out my cargo ASAP. It…" She shifted around uncomfortably on her bed. "Feels kinda weird with how I am now, you know?"
That served to draw everyone's attention, and Nami was the first to speak up. "Your… cargo? But… er, even disregarding how that's supposed to work when you're this size, didn't Galley-La already unload everything on board while they were fixing you up? All of our stuff is resting in a storage locker a few blocks away."
"Most of it, sure, but they didn't take all the dirt your trees were in," Merry explained with a grimace. She dug her hand into her coat's pocket and withdrew a fistful of dirt, holding it up for us all to see. "It was fine when it was in its box, but everything I had left must have gotten tossed around when I changed, so now it's just making a mess. So, can I…?"
Nami and I exchanged confused glances before I shrugged. "Ah… go ahead?"
Nodding thankfully, Merry dropped the soil on the ground. Then she withdrew another handful from her pocket and dumped it on the ground as well. Then she removed another handful, and another. Finally, sighing in aggravation, she turned the pocket inside out in a cascade of dirt that resulted in a pile as tall as her bed itself, and quite a bit wider.
Merry smiled contentedly once she was done, stretching her arms above her head with a relieved sigh. "Ahh, now that is a whole lot better. Thanks, that just felt scuzzy, and I think that there were a few bugs in it too!"
Nobody said anything on account of our jaws touching the floor due to the sheer… spectacle we'd just witnessed.
"Hmm…" Meanwhile, Merry was preoccupied with tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Now that I think about it, I probably don't need to carry my ballast stones around anymore, either." As such, Merry reached inside her coat and started digging around.
It was at just that moment that the door to the room opened and Paulie walked in. "Yo!" Paulie saluted us casually. "Just thought I'd check up on you since the company's docs said I was in the clear. How're you all—?"
"Got it!" Merry crowed as she pulled a stone-filled crate the size of, well, her out of her raincoat and held it above her head. "Woo! Even while I'm still holding this I feel ten times lighter!"
"…gwagh?" Paulie enunciated intelligently as his cigarette dropped out of his mouth.
Merry dropped the crate onto the soil next to her and was forced to cartwheel her arms in a panic when she almost tipped backwards out of bed as a result. "Woahwoahwoah, forgot about the other ones!" She hastily dug her hands back into her coat. "Where is it, where is it… aha!" She grinned ecstatically as she brought out yet another crate with utter ease. "There we go! Much better! Anyone wanna take this off my hands? Hey, Usopp, catch!"
"…Anybody got a clue as to how the hell someone that small can carry something that big?" the Galley-La rigging master asked weakly.
I drew my attention away from Merry jokingly taking aim at our sniper to give him a flat, incredulous look. "You didn't just say that. You did not just say that. You cannot tell me that you of all people really just said that, Paulie."
"Eh?" The chain-smoker glanced at me in confusion. "'Course I did, why the hell wouldn't I!?"
My eye twitched, and I held out a hand. "Mind letting me see your rope?"
Paulie shrugged indifferently and shook a few feet out of his sleeve. I accepted the line and, before he could react, began pulling. It took a minute flat before I had withdrawn enough to be confused for an anaconda, and it wasn't running out anytime soon.
"I think it's safe to say that my case is resting like a baby," I drawled flatly, everyone else in the room staring at the display with just as much shock.
"…Okay, I'm basically telling physics to go screw themselves by act of Devil Fruit, whereas you're a semi-normal human being," Merry summarized flatly. "And that is enough rope to rig up one of the Marine's blowhard battleships. What's your excuse?"
"I… ah… you see…" Paulie hemmed uncomfortably, his eyes darting around in a clear panic.
Then his arm flashed out, severing the line with a knife before he turned, sprinted—
CRASH!
—and leapt clean through a window as he made a break for it.
Conis stared after him for a bit before tilting her head to the side. "…Why didn't he just use the door?" she questioned in honest curiosity.
"He has experience with debtors," I explained with a sigh as I kneaded the bridge of my nose.
"Personally, I'd really like to know how the heck he managed that," Usopp muttered. "I might have to try looking for him."
I opened my mouth to agree, then froze. "…Actually, I think it would be a better idea to just let it go. Remember what happened last time we tried to look into the finer mechanics of the sudden displacement of mass?"
My co-conspirators and Merry all froze before shivering in utter horror.
"I THOUGHT we agreed to never speak of that AGAIN!" Soundbite squawked.
"Right, then!" Chopper piped up hastily. "So, to summarize, Merry's physical capabilities as a caravel have transferred to her human body even without her being in her hybrid form, meaning that she has an exceptional amount of resiliency, perhaps comparable to Luffy's in a pinch; more raw strength than quite a few of us put together, at least when it comes to the matter of lifting; and her storage capacity—"
"HAMMERSPACE!"
"Ergh…" I groaned, clawing miserably at my face.
"…that, remains untouched. Alright, so if that's all—"
"Ooh, is that a triple-weave rope? Gimme!" Before we could react, Merry snatched up the end of the rope lying next to her and—
Our jaws promptly crashed into the floor again as Merry proceeded to slurp the rope up like it was one long strand of spaghetti. We could only stare in dumbfounded shock as she swallowed the entire thing, burped, and concluded by leaning back and patting her stomach in satisfaction. "Yummy…"
My eye twitched slightly as I sported a demented smile. "We're gonna be here awhile…"
-o-
So… yeah. Turns out that while Merry was fully capable of eating and enjoying normal human food, her preferred fuel was cloth. Canvas was ideal, but she'd happily munch on wool, cotton, linen, hemp, and synthetics, though as an incident with Luffy sleep-punching the air attested, rubber was thankfully not a part of that list.
This had resulted in the most awkward situation Sanji had found himself in to date, as he now had to spend a significant amount of time both shopping for canvas and getting advice from Galley-La on how he was supposed to go about turning it into a gourmet meal. After all, no matter how unorthodox Merry's appetite was, he compared the act of serving her raw cloth to serving all of us raw bread, which was unacceptable for a chef of his caliber.
Merry tried to help him out in the endeavor by informing him she also wouldn't mind some pitch and rope, but honestly, going by how all hope seemed to flee from the chef's already-bleak expression, that little tidbit just served to make matters worse.
As such, when we had established Merry's… 'personal tastes', Nami, Sanji and, at the chef's insistence (read: desperate pleading), Chopper prepared to go shopping and begin experimenting with the various types of 'cuisine' we'd be dealing with in the future.
On the plus side, at least, Merry wouldn't have to worry about Luffy stealing her food… hopefully, anyways.
However, before they left, I was swift to ask a question.
-o-
"Oh, Chopper?" I piped up as the trio headed for the door. "Just to clarify, the rest of us are clear to leave, right? Well," I jerked my head at where our captain was snoring and Merry was playing pattycake with Conis. "Besides the obvious suspects, of course."
Chopper looked back and gave us all a once-over, his eyes narrowed contemplatively, before nodding in acceptance. "Carue still needs to rest so his legs can heal, but as long as nobody pulls anything stupid like earlier and everyone takes it easy… then yes, the rest of you have clearance."
"Good," Zoro said, shoving himself up from his bed and striding for the door. "In that case, I need to find a blacksmith." He gripped the black-lacquered hilt at his side with a frown. "With any luck, I managed to stop that rust-bastard before he damaged Yubashiri beyond repair."
"Ah…" Raphey raised her flipper uncertainly. "Should someone go with him?"
"If it's involving swords or booze, I think we can trust him to find his own way," I replied cheekily.
Zoro snorted as he left.
As it turned out, we wouldn't see him for the next twelve hours. Don't ask me how, because to this day I dread the mere idea of asking.
"Well, that's that…" Chopper muttered to himself before stiffening as a thought came to him. "Ah… apropos of nothing, I would suggest that Robin have an escort anywhere and everywhere she goes. For… medical reasons," the reindeer hedged, shooting a sidelong glance at the archaeologist.
"Don't worry, Chopper, I'm never leaving again," Robin reassured him with a light smile.
"But just in case," Vivi spoke up in an impish tone as she slid up next to Robin. "I'll stay by her side if she decides to go out shopping. I won't leave her side even once."
Robin regarded the princess in surprise before smiling confidently. "Oh? Are you quite certain that you can keep up, Miss Princess?"
Vivi graced Robin with an imperious smile as she raised her nose in a sniff. "Quite certain. Don't forget that I can make you do whatever I so desire with a mere word, Miss All Sunday."
Robin nodded before adopting a… sultry look!? "I always did wonder about the veracity of the stereotype of nobility having extravagant tastes," she crooned in a thoroughly provocative tone.
Then, before Vivi could react, the archaeologist reached up and brushed her finger along the princess' cheek. "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to… elaborate later," she breathed.
Vivi stammered and flushed helplessly as Robin brushed past her before snapping her finger up with a huff. "Point to you, Robin," she bit out tersely as she wheeled around and stormed out after our crewmate. "Point to you."
"I try," Robin chuckled victoriously as they left the room.
I was silent for a bit as I stared after her in… honestly, I don't know what I was feeling, but nevertheless I got my wits together and eagerly clapped my hands. "Great! Come on, Usopp, let's get going!" I proclaimed as I strode out of the building, as much to try and move things along as to proceed with my day's plan.
The sniper only hesitated for a moment before hurrying to catch up with me. "What're we going to do, Cross?"
…Oh, no way in hell was I passing up this opportunity.
I promptly wheeled around and spread my arms out wide. "The same thing we do every day, Usopp!" I proclaimed extravagantly.
I then adopted a slasher-esque smile as I drew my transceiver's mic from my bag and brandished it.
"Try and make the world a little more mad."
-o-
"Doubling the ship's serving area?" Shakky whistled in surprise, clearly impressed. "Are you sure? That's a serious boost!"
"Nyuu, it's not like we have much of a choice!" Hachi chuckled as he scratched the back of his head with one of his hands, the others waving around in embarrassment. "The combination of good food and the SBS being readily available has been bringing in a lot of customers. I thought that the Davy Back Fight attracted a huge crowd, but Enies Lobby? The rush was insane!"
The octopus fishman then frowned and crossed his arms as he considered matters. "And of course, chances are that the Straw Hats are going to get into more big fights like that as time goes on, so if I want to be able to keep up with the demand, I need to make a big investment into the business if I want to keep it going."
He sighed as he accepted a glass from his old friend. "I'm also going to have to see about getting an extra pair of hands or two on deck as well, pun recognized; Keimi and Pappug are great, but there just aren't enough warm bodies on Takoyaki 8! We're being stretched way too thin."
"Sorry, Hachi," Rayleigh replied with an apologetic smile. "But this grove cost us an arm and a leg and we've already got our business and our niche going strong. I'm not sure a merger would be that good of an idea."
Hachi sighed. "Yeah, I know, just thought I'd ask. But in that case, who else could I—?"
The ex-pirate suddenly cut himself off, his eyes and mouth slowly widening in realization. He hesitated for a moment as a flash of doubt shot through him, but he mustered his nerve and looked back at the bartender. "Shakky, where do you keep your Transponder Snail?"
"Don don don don!"
"Over there," the bartender replied flatly, pointing at the ringing snail while Hachi slumped.
"Nyuuuu… sometimes his timing is awesome," the octopus groused as half his thumbs popped a thumbs-up, while the others jabbed downwards. "Sometimes it really sucks."
"Oh, don't worry about it, Hachi. I'm sure that after Enies Lobby, this one won't be nearly as long," Rayleigh chuckled as he stood up from his stool and ambled towards the snail.
"Nyuuu…" Hachi groaned as he massaged his face. "Well, at least there's a bright side: with any luck, the SBS will put him in a good mood so that when I call he doesn't immediately rip me a new one…"
"That's the spirit!" the Dark King laughed as he picked up the snail's speaker.
"…Broggy, you're no better at faking an accent than I am," an unfamiliar deep voice deadpanned.
"Seconded," Cross echoed flatly.
"GO GARGLE SOME MAGMA, YOU BASTARDS!" another unfamiliar voice barked.
"Hmm?" Shakky cocked her head curiously. "A couple of guests this time?"
"With one of them being named 'Broggy'…" Rayleigh mused suspiciously.
"Bosses, please, stop bickering!" two more familiar voices pleaded.
"And there are Oimo and Kashi," Hachi noted. "But what do they mean by 'bosses'? They're not working for the Government anymore."
"Unless they mean… ohohohoooo…" Hachi and Shakky looked at Rayleigh in surprise as he began chuckling. "Why am I even remotely surprised at this point?"
"They have a point, you know. You should be somewhat careful with what you say. After all—" Cross began.
"You're both live on the SBS!"
"DON'T STEAL MY SHTICK!" Soundbite roared angrily.
"DON'T STEAL MY SHOW!" Cross followed up.
"Sorry, but I'm just not sorry! Consider it more payback. And besides, that was fun," Usopp snickered.
"Gegyagyagyagyagya!/Gabababababababa!" the show's guests laughed uproariously at the exchange.
"Ah, it's good to see that no matter how much things change, they always stay the same. Right, Dorry?" one of the pair asked with a nostalgic smile.
"Right you are, Broggy, right you are!" the other enthusiastically concurred.
"HA!" Rayleigh barked as he slapped the table in amusement. "I knew it! Damn, those rookies must be some of the luckiest bastards on the seas if they actually managed to find them and live to tell about it!"
"We've already established that they have the sort of luck to throw a hundred and eleven dice and have them all come up sixes," Shakky smirked fondly. "Now come on, come clean, who are they talking to?"
"Wait for it…" Hachi muttered to himself.
"Ergh… well, anyway, moving on past that little bit… yes, everyone, we of the SBS are back in action! Now, I imagine that you're all probably wondering who I have as guests with me, right?"
"There it is!" the octopus-fishman laughed.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up…" Shakky grumbled good-naturedly, rolling her eyes.
"Well, I believe I'll let our resident expert on the matter handle that particular introduction. Usopp, care to do the honors?"
"WHA—who, me!? A-Are you—!? Ah… You know what? Sure! Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor as the sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates to introduce you to the biggest role models in my life aside from my father. Hailing from Elbaf, home to the very greatest among those fit to be called Brave Warriors of the Sea, I present the co-captains of the legendary Giant Warrior Pirates—!"
"Weighing in at 100 Million apiece!" Cross commented.
"'Blue Ogre' Dorry and 'Red Ogre' Broggy!"
"To clarify, I'm Dorry!" one voice spoke up.
"And I'm Broggy!" finished the other.
"AND IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE!" they finished as one.
The introduction had barely finished when Rayleigh fell into gales of laughter, dangerously close to tipping over in his chair. Hachi's eyes, meanwhile, were nearly popping out of his skull as he gaped at the snail. "THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES?! I thought they were just a myth!"
"Ohooooh no, Hachi," Rayleigh chortled. "The World Government only wishes they were a bad nightmare! They were and apparently still are as real as you and me!"
Shakky swapped her gaze between her male friends in confusion. "Um… care to clue me in here? I've heard of pretty much every crew on the Grand Line, but the only time I've heard of a crew known as the Giant Warriors was the other day, when Cross named Oimo and Kashi as members. Heck…" She scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, I've never heard of a Giants-only crew, period. They usually fight amongst themselves too often to maintain any kind of stability."
"Ooooh, there was one alright," Rayleigh informed her, his laughter dying down to a chuckle. "And it's no surprise that you haven't heard of them, either. After all, they haven't been operating for a while!"
"'A while' my ass!" Hachi scoffed incredulously. "Shakky, according to the legends the Giant Warrior Pirates disbanded over a century ago! The only reason I even heard about them was Rayleigh, and I thought he was just yanking my arms!"
"Nope, real as real can be," the Dark King confirmed. "A few of my older and… well, bigger drinking buddies told me about them. Had no idea whether their captains were actually alive or dead though, or where they were." He smirked as he nodded his head at the snail. "Guess we know the answer to the first of those questions, right?"
"Aaaanyways, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to clarify how this happened and what's happening now!"
-o-
"See," I swayed back and forth a bit on the crate I was sitting on as I considered my words, watching the workers of Galley-La as they went about their work. "We first met up with the good captains early in our pirating career on an island that will remain unnamed for obvious reasons—!"
"COUGH—MARINE BASTARDS—COUGH!" Soundbite insinuated not-so-subtly.
"And I decided that hey, seeing as I recently managed to finagle the number of the snail they recently acquired, we might as well have ourselves a nice little interview with two of the most prominent figures in pirate history!" I then jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Also joining us, besides our giant-enthusiast sniper, are two of the crew's heavier-hitting grunts, Oimo the Boar and Kashi the Hawk."
"Hey, ma! I'm still alive!" Oimo laughed happily.
"Brontus, if you can hear me, I haven't forgotten you owe me a load of Beris! Watch your back!" Kashi concurred with just as much enthusiasm.
I snorted lightly at the sheer banality of their reactions before nodding. "Alright, that's enough wind-up, so I'm just gonna go right ahead and jump in with a question concerning some relatively ancient history: Dorry, Broggy, it's safe to say that as the captains of one of the only Giants-only pirate crews to date, you two were quite infamous in your day, right?"
"Gabababa! You better believe it!" Broggy laughed proudly.
"Our crew was relatively small, only thirty all told, but when it's thirty giants? Giants from Elbaf, no less?" Dorry grinned. "Well, let's just say that we didn't take long to stop counting how many Marine bases we toppled."
"Though that was mostly because only half of us knew how to count!" Broggy snorted.
"That too!" Dorry laughed in agreement.
"Well, then, in that case, I just have to wonder…" I tilted my head in confusion. "How come your bounties were only ฿100 million each?"
"ONLY?!"
That turned out to be a mistake as the two captains bellowed through Soundbite, nearly bowling me over with their volume, although their tones were more incredulous than offended.
"What alien world are you living on, you dope?!" Broggy demanded.
"Yeah! Don't you know that 100 million is nothing short of a fortune!?" Dorry concurred.
"B-Bosses, hold on!" Oimo spoke up hastily. "I, ah, I don't understand all of it, lots of big words and we were stuck on Enies and all, but apparently the Government's changed its policies on bounties in the last hundred years. We talked with a lot of people while we were standing guard, and a lot of the more decorated guys said that 100 million was selling you both short."
"Plus you were out of commission for a full century, and considering how the world's economy is primarily fueled by human interests, then the value of the Beri has probably changed over the years, too," Usopp mused.
"How the hell do you know that, LONG NOSE!?" Soundbite questioned incredulously.
"He got tutored by someone who knew what she was talking about!" I cut in with a smirk before Usopp could respond, causing him to splutter furiously.
Before he could say jack, however, a distinct whistle coming from Soundbite interrupted him.
"Ohohoh, what's this? The Brave Warrior of the Sea has a little lady friend waiting for him back home?" Broggy smirked mischievously.
"GEGYAGYAGYAGYA! No wonder he wants to become so impressive!" Dorry guffawed.
Usopp fell silent as his face matched Chopper's hat hue for hue, Soundbite providing a whistling noise from his ears in between his cackles.
"Heheheh," Kashi snickered into his fist as he tried to sober up. "A-Anyway! Getting back on topic! Boss Dorry, Boss Broggy, going by what the Marines told us in their spare time, your bounties to modern standards should be somewhere around, eh…" He waved his hand side to side. "Somewhere around 300 mil? Apiece."
Silence reigned as we processed that particular tidbit.
"Holy shit," I whistled in awe.
"NO DOI!" Soundbite concurred.
"That's three times Luffy's bounty!" Usopp exclaimed, before cutting himself off with a hesitant look. "Er… what his bounty was before we burned Enies Lobby to the ground, I mean."
"Three hundred million…" Broggy breathed in awe.
"That's the biggest bounty I've ever heard of…" Dorry concurred in the same tone.
Soundbite then fell silent as he adopted an oddly pensive expression.
"Uh…?" I hedged in confusion.
"No thinkin' about turnin' each other in, collectin' each others' bounties and breakin' out, bosses!" Kashi warned hastily. "It didn't work out the last five times!"
Usopp and I promptly faceplanted in shock.
"So much for the Warriors of Elbaf having any brains between them…" I groaned.
"My beloved world image…" Usopp sobbed miserably. "It's shattered… Tinkling away into stardust…"
"Oh, come on, that was a hundred years ago!" Broggy protested. "And it looks like the Marines have only gotten stupider while we were gone! I'm sure it could work this time!"
I glanced up with an irritated glare. "Maybe so, but even stupidity has limits when you double dipsticks just broadcast it to the whole world."
"…Blast it all," the pair muttered despondently.
"AS IF IT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Usopp and I barked indignantly.
"YOU BRATTY LITTLE SON OF A—Dot dot dot dot!" Soundbite suddenly cut himself off as he started ringing with a cackle. "Dot dot dot dot! Heh, how much ya wanna bet that—Dot dot dot dot!—this is AN INSULT?"
I pulled myself together just enough to give an indifferent shrug. "Eh, maybe, maybe not. After the near-miss with that smiling lunatic, I think it's pretty clear you can never be sure who's going to call in. Still, though, could be fun!" And with that, I clicked the appropriate button. "Hello, you've reached the SBS!"
"Glad to be here," said a gruff voice. "But sorry, this is about as far away from an insult as you can get; I never thought I'd have the chance to speak to the great Dorry and Broggy."
"Oh?" Broggy asked curiously. "And who would you be?"
"My name is Hajrudin, another giant born and raised on Elbaf. I'm 79 years old, so while I'm after your time, I've grown up hearing the tales of the Giant Warrior Pirates, and I've always looked up to you two."
I managed to suppress my surprise at hearing exactly who we were talking to as the co-captains responded to his statement.
"Gabababa! Glad to hear that the next generation is getting a decent education!" Broggy bellowed proudly.
Dorry, meanwhile, was somewhat more skeptical. "Who exactly has been telling our stories? Because if any of them are from Loco Lokos, I am telling you now that I was drunk out of my mind and from behind that guy looked like a—!"
"T-There are a lot of different stories from a lot of different warriors!" Hajrudin coughed hastily. "But, ah, there's one tale that none have ever decided to share: where did you two disappear to all those years ago, and why? Oimo and Kashi went looking for you fifty years ago, but the original reason for the dissolution of the greatest crew to sail from the shores of Elbaf yet remains a mystery! Would you be so kind as to honor us with what you've been doing?"
A pause fell for a moment, to which the two Ogres let out wistful sighs.
"Well, in all honestly, it wasn't fully by choice that we disbanded the crew," Dorry said. "It was great fun and excitement sailing the seas, fending off any man or beast who would seek to fight us. And the parties! Oh, Elbaf's best grog was the perfect end to a day of battles."
"But we had no choice in the end," Broggy sighed longingly. "For you see, one day Dorry and I came to a disagreement. Neither of us was willing to back down, and we placed our prides on the line to prove ourselves right! As such… we had no choice but to engage in a duel of honor. We fought each other with as much strength and valor as we could bring to bear!"
"But unfortunately, a problem arose," Dorry shook his head solemnly. "As it turns out, Broggy and I were equally matched in strength, so our duel ended in a draw. But as you well know, that will not suffice to satisfy the might Elbaf! So we fought again… and it resulted in yet another draw. Realizing that this would not end anytime soon, we sequestered ourselves on an uninhabited island so that we might settle our duel in peace! And so, for the past century we have remained faithful to the laws of Elbaf. 73,770 duels have we fought!"
"And 73,770 draws have they brought," Broggy concurred.
"And so it will go until we determine a victor!" the two finished in unison.
Silence reigned for a bit as everyone processed that proclamation. It was Hajrudin finally broke it.
"You disbanded the Giant Warrior Pirates… for a duel…" the younger giant breathed slowly. "It seems that the stories I heard were not accurate."
My heart skipped at least three beats as I heard Hajrudin, future commander of the Straw Hat Grand Fleet, say those words. If I had in any way managed to screw up the dreams of a future comrade—!
Then Soundbite burst out sobbing tears of manly joy. "FOR TRULY NO MERE WORDS CAN DESCRIBE JUST HOW TRULY THE BOTH OF YOU MANAGE TO ENCAPSULATE THE MIGHT AND HONOR OF ALMIGHTY ELBA-A-AAAAF!" Hajrudin wept rapturously.
My head jerked downwards as a sweatdrop suddenly hung itself from my skull. Right, this was a future Straw Hat we were talking about here, however tangential his membership might have been. I had been worried why, exactly?
Ugh, whatever. I could berate myself for stupidity later, right now I needed to focus on the entire reason I'd tapped these two for an interview in the first place.
"So, if I may interject?" I spoke up. "As a human with little to no knowledge of the laws of Elbaf, I was wondering: is there really no way to end the duel until one of you wins? And it's only to the death?"
"Mmm… well, there is one alternative," Broggy admitted. "It hasn't been used in centuries because of how uncommon it is for a duel to go beyond a single match, and the last instance I can think of resulted in both participants dying at the same time, but nevertheless, the laws are clear: in the event of a draw… the duel can end if both combatants are willing to concede. If Dorry and I both stood down and recognized the other's honor, that would be sufficient for Elbaf."
"But that's not an option at this stage," Dorry continued with a snort. "For over the course of the past century, we have forgotten why our duel began in the first place! For us to concede without knowing what we were willing to stake our honor on would be the epitome of disgrace. But we can be reasonably sure that it must have been something important if neither of us were willing to stand down in the early years of our duels."
I huffed in aggravation at the expected answer, and shot a look of askance up at the giants physically beside me. "Oimo, Kashi? What about you two?"
"Mmm… honestly, I can't remember it either," Kashi admitted.
"We giants might live long, but even our memories have limits," Oimo shrugged helplessly. "Sorry."
I exhaled sharply, and to Usopp and Soundbite, it was no doubt obvious that I was resisting the urge to simply spill what I knew. But still, if I couldn't get them to remember matters the direct way… "Alright, alright…" I muttered to myself before speaking up in what I hoped was a convincingly chipper tone. "Ah well, it was worth a shot! Seeing as we've hit a wall on that subject, let's move onto other topics! Now, while I can't share the name of your island, I do actually have some questions about it! Like, say…" I grinned as I slowly tilted my head to the side. "Those 'mountains' the two of you live in! They look pretty weird, if I'm being honest, and I say that by Grand Line standards! Do you have any idea what that's all about?"
"Ah, yes, our homes away from home!" Broggy chuckled proudly. "Quite impressive, aren't they? Majestic and imposing, just how we like them back on Elbaf! And they're huge even by our standards, nearly spanning the entire length of the is… land… huh. Ya know, now that I actually take a second to look at them, they actually look kinda familiar. Like… skulls, maybe?" Broggy frowned in confusion. "…Wait a second, that's ringing a bell…"
"Skulls… and that hunting contest between your crewmates sounded familiar as well…" Dorry murmured, clenching his eyes shut as he tilted his head to the side.
Silence fell, and I kept my hope hidden behind a carefully neutral expression. At least, up until Soundbite began quietly humming the damn Jeopardy! theme and he responded to my acrid glare with a silent cackle.
Still, I suppose that music was somewhat appropriate.
"THAT'S IT!"
Because not a second later we all jumped as the two Ogres shouted in unison.
"Of course, now I remember! Those aren't mountains at all!" Broggy bellowed victoriously. "Those are sea king skeletons! Way back in the day, we both killed a sea king in single combat, and while we were celebrating our victory at a nearby human village—!"
"—That little farm girl came up and asked us which one of them was bigger!" Dorry picked up eagerly. "We laid them out side-by-side on Lit—ah, on this island to figure it out, but neither of us could agree on whose was bigger! And since neither of us was willing to back down, we began dueling!"
"And that's how it all started!" they concluded in unison.
I sighed in relief, not bothering to conceal it, though I promptly fell over a moment later due to a sudden earthquake. Looking around, I saw that the cause was Oimo and Kashi having face-faulted… along with Usopp, and Soundbite, and probably everyone else who'd just heard their little tale.
"WE WENT THROUGH FIFTY YEARS OF INDENTURED SERVITUDE BECAUSE OF A FISHING COMPETITION?!" the pair roared indignantly.
"I have to say, even I'm sort of disappointed in hearing that such a glorious duel had such a mediocre catalyst," Hajrudin muttered despondently.
"My world view… shattered… again…" Usopp wept sadly.
"SERIOUSLY, who would be willing to fight for THAT LONG OVER SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!" Soundbite barked.
"Zoro and Sanji," I deadpanned.
"…Withdrawn."
"I feel better now," Usopp said as he snapped back to his feet looking none the worse for wear.
I took a second to snicker at the actions before refocusing at the task at hand. "Alright, so, now that you've remembered the origins of your duel, do you think that you can move on?"
"HELL NO!"
I wasn't even surprised at this point, because of course there was no way in hell it would be that easy.
"There is no way in all the six seas that I will ever concede to the idea that Broggy managed to catch a sea king bigger than mine!" Dorry protested indignantly.
"You wish!" Broggy fumed proudly. "Mine was clearly the larger of the two, I am the obvious victor!"
"NEITHER OF US AGREES TO CONCEDE! THIS DUEL WILL CONTINUE!"
"Oi vey…" I bemoaned, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to work things out. Great, with the two of them so gung ho and the Sea Kings long-since rotted, there was no way in hell we'd be able to come to a conclusion in a straightforward manner, so how—?
…now there was a thought…
"Before you two start beating one another's faces in!" I spoke up hastily, cutting into the pair's argument. "Do you mind if I at least try and change the basis of your conflict a bit?"
"Eh?" The Red and Blue Ogres paused in their argument in favor of looking at me in confusion. "Whaddaya mean?"
"Well, look, you guys have been pirates on the Grand Line for a while, right?" I posited. "And that means you've no doubt fought many humans who've been able to give you a run for your money. As such, I think it's safe to say that it's not size that matters when it comes to combat, but rather the sheer strength and power that something has withi—"
"POWEEEEEEER!"
I jumped at the sudden voice bursting through Soundbite, who seemed just as shocked. "TERRY? I DIDN'T EVEN RING!"
"BEAR GLOVE IS TOO POWERFUL TO BE SLOWED DOWN BY MERE TECHNOLOGYYYYY!"
"Would you kindly silence yourself, you musclebound buffoon? We're witnessing something only slightly more momentous than my own incredibly lustrous plumage," Isaiah's baritone cut in.
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT IT!" Drake bellowed indignantly, followed by a decisive KA-LICK.
I ground my fist into my forehead. "I never thought I could feel so much annoyance towards Old Spice," I hissed. "Ugh… anyway, where was I?"
"Something about strength meaning more than size in combat," Hajrudin provided.
"Right, thanks. Anyway, do you two agree with me?"
"But of course!" Dorry snorted in an almost insulted manner. "We have fought many opponents over the years, larger than us and smaller alike, and all too often have we felled larger beings with ease while almost dying at the hands of mere humans!"
"It is not size that matters, but the strength held within an entity's frame, no matter how big or how small!" Broggy asserted firmly.
I grinned victoriously as I recognized that I had them where I wanted them. 'Jackpot.' "Well, then, in that case," I spread my arms calmly. "I'd say that it's pretty damn obvious that your duel's been a draw right from the onset!"
"…come again?" the two asked in confusion.
My grin widened bit by bit as I felt my blood pressure ramp up from my ever-approaching victory. "Honestly, you two, think about it. Soundbite, what did they say the count was?"
"Seventy-three thousand seven hundred and seventy," he responded in Dorry and Broggy's voices.
"Exactly. That many duels, day after day for the last 100 years, and in all of that time, neither of you gained any headway? If there's one thing obvious from a track record like that, it's this: you're perfect equals in strength, and always have been. As such!" I snapped my finger up. "We can equally assume that those two Sea Kings you defeated were also perfectly equal in strength, with neither being any stronger than the other!"
Dead silence fell as my words sunk in. Oimo and Kashi's jaws slowly dropped as the penny hit, and small squeaks were escaping from Usopp as he twitched in place. From Soundbite's movements, it seemed as though Dorry and Broggy were slowly turning their heads to stare at one another. The silence stretched on for almost a minute.
Then, I turned my attention to my fellow crewmates. "Usopp… and you too, Hajrudin. Would you care to do the honors?"
Credit where it was due, the pair was quick to get their collective acts together.
"I-I, Hajrudin Hammerfist, a-as an impartial witness and a proud warrior of Elbaf—!"
"A-A-And, I Usopp, a-a-as sni… as king of snipers, crewmate of the Straw Hat Pirates and a Brave Warrior of the Seas—!"
"We declare that in light of new information, the honor duel between Red Ogre Broggy and Blue Ogre Dorry…"
There was a moment as they sucked in deep breaths, and then… they said it.
"WE HEREBY DECLARE THEIR DUEL!" they roared as one. "TO BE NULL AND VOID! IT'S A DRAAAAAAAAAW!"
Of course, the second those words escaped their mouths, several other people began roaring as well. More specifically?
"GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA/GABABABABABABABABABABABA!"
The subjects of the duel in question. Soundbite was nearly tearing his own jaw out with how hard he was laughing, but furthermore, he was also sobbing his little heart out.
"W-W-We're free, Dorry!" Broggy hiccupped gratefully. "Y-Y-You hear that!? W-WE'RE FREE-EE-EEE!"
"W-We don't have to kill each other!" Dorry wept through his smile. "W-We can go back to the sea! Back to our adventures! WE CAN GO BACK TOGETHER!"
"B-B-Bosses…" Oimo blubbered euphorically. "D-Does this mean—?"
"A-Are you sayin'," Kashi wheezed out. "What we think you're sayin'!?"
"Say it!" I goaded. "Say it here and say it now, loud and proud for all the world to hear!"
-o-
"GLADLY!" the Red and Blue Ogres chorused. "HEAR US, PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! AS OF THIS MOMENT, AFTER NEARLY ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF ABSENCE, OUR MIGHTY CREW, RENOWNED THE WORLD OVER, THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES…"
"Ohh, dear," Kizaru muttered as he fingered his neck brace with the hand on his cast-free arm. "And I thought they couldn't possibly follow up with another massive attack so soon after Enies Lobby." He turned his wheelchair to the side, angling his cast-encased leg in such a manner so that he could glance out the window of his office. "I wonder how much impact this will have…"
"HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN REFORMED! RAAAAAAAGH!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Kizaru felt a line of sweat break out on his brow as the Ogres' battle cry was echoed from several places across the seat of Marine power. "Guess that answers that, huh? Tsk, damn demon and his damn big mouth, he's nothing but trouble. It would really be a good idea if I just warped over to the island and killed him before he even saw me coming."
He shrugged, shifting his limbs about in their casts as he sighed, leaning back in his wheelchair and letting his eyes drift shut. "Too bad I had to injure myself this badly. Ah, well. At least Sengoku can't be mad at me for this."
"BOOORSAAALIIINOOO!"
The light-man cracked his eyes open with an unnerved expression. "Then again, I have been battin' pretty badly so far…"
-o-
"HAJRUDIN!" the co-captains barked suddenly.
"S-SIRS!" the 'young' giant responded.
"As it stands, even with our old crewmates returning to our flag, chances are that we will be left somewhat shorthanded," Broggy summarized solemnly before donning a massive (you know what I mean) grin. "As such, we are currently recruiting. Interested?"
Hajrudin's jaw practically cracked the ground in shock. "A-Are you serious?" he whispered in awe.
"We'll take that as a yes!" Broggy guffawed. "Spread the word to all of Elbaf's new generation, whoever hasn't already heard us by now: as of now, we're accepting new blood with open arms!"
"Ah-I-I… I… I WOULD BE HONORED, MY CAPTAINS!"
"Gababababa! Excellent! Now, Oimo, Kashi—!"
"Ah, actually!" Dorry interjected hastily. "Would you mind if we took a break? We need to plan this out properly, and bullheaded as we might be, allowing the whole world a peek at our playbooks probably wouldn't work out as well for us as it does for you."
"My faith is restored," Usopp breathed in euphoria.
"Heh, sure thing, you guys," I waved my hand casually. "Ladies and gentlemen, time for an intermission, and I think we know the best way to fill that space, don't we?"
"Yay! Time for SOUNDBITE'S music cor—KCH! HEY, WHAT THE DEU—KCCCCH! OH, NOT THIS AGAI—K-K-KCCCCHHHHHHHAPAPAPAPAAAAA! DID YOU MISS ME, WORLD?"
I hid a snicker behind by fist. "Good timing," I muttered sotto voce.
"What can I say, an entertainer's got instincts!" Apoo whispered back. "Anyway, I'll call in to talk with you later. For now, though… APAPAPAPAAAA!" My 'rival' roared at full blast. "YES, WORLD, IT'S ME, APOO, THE ROAR OF THE SEAS, HERE TO DO AS I PLEASE!"
"GET OFF my frequency, you long-armed WANNABE! I WANT MY MUSIC CORNER!" Soundbite half-roared, half-whined.
"Apapa! I have a better idea! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A HIKE?!"
"NONONO—KCCCCCHHHHH!"
"There we go!" Apoo laughed victoriously. "Alright, now that that pest has been dealt with, we can finally begin! The show you've all been waiting for, Apoo's Music Hour!"
"Well! Now that that's dealt with," I said, smirking and clapping my hands as Apoo began playing his song. "You were saying, Broggy?"
"Uh… right…" The Red Ogre hesitated momentarily before shaking his head and getting back on track. "As I was saying! Oimo, Kashi, for starters… at a guess, the Valhalla—?"
"The best mead hall in all of Elbaf!" Kashi boasted proudly.
"But, uh…" Oimo waved his hand before his face with a wince. "Not seaworthy anymore. Sorry."
"Bah, we suspected it after the first few decades," Broggy sighed fondly. "At least the old warrior is resting in peace with happy warriors in his belly. That's all we can ask."
"But if that's the case…" Dorry muttered thoughtfully. "You two are still in Water 7, correct?"
"Aye, sirs!" the pair saluted.
"And their quality hasn't dropped over the years?"
"If anything, sirs, it's gotten better!" Hajrudin cut in swiftly. "Even in the New World, Water 7 is acknowledged as the capital of shipwrights! None surpass it!"
"Perfect!" Broggy barked joyously. "Stay put there, then, and Hajrudin, bring our new recruits there as well, and spread the word to the old guard while you're at it! The Giant Warrior Pirates will reunite on Water 7, our first task being to commission a new vessel for a new era!"
"What's a pirate without a ship?" Dorry agreed. And then his face fell. "Though, uh, we might be a bit late. It'll take some time for us to build a raft big enough to hold the both of us, and the only Log we have is the Eternal one to Elbaf, so…"
"Don't even worry about it!" I reassured them. "I'll call in a favor from one of my friends and get them to swing around and pick you up! There should be no prob—OW!" I yelped as Soundbite chomped on my unarmored fingers. I glared at him for a moment, but his own glare got his point across. "Ah… right, almost forgot. See, these friends of mine might seem disconcerting at first glance, but I swear to you, if they say Ophiuchus sent them, you've got nothing to worry about."
"You… You'd really be willing to do that for us?" Broggy asked incredulously.
"Of course!" Usopp spoke up before I could. "We're allies and we're fellow Warriors of the Sea, why wouldn't we be willing?"
"What he said," I concurred with a smile. "Anyway, I'll take care of everything once we're done, but for now… You guys up for continuing the interview?
"But of course!"/ "No question!"
A glance at Soundbite prompted him to let out a quiet series of clicks, and Apoo subsequently began winding down his track.
"Apapapapa! That should do for now, time to get back to the spoils of the Marine ships! Nothing tastes better than someone else's food!"
"—DAAAAH! Huff… huff… WELL, HE'S GONE! I'm back. NOW, we return to the regularly scheduled—"
"—interview with Dorry and Broggy."
"I'M BEING GYPPED!" Soundbite snarled.
"'Cut' might be more appropriate, seeing as for all that I'm your partner, I'm also your boss," I snickered.
"I resent that!"
"Not talking to you, literal-leatherneck!" I called out, not even bothering turning to look at the inadvertently-named Dugong as he passed by, re-donning my smiling and clasping my hands together. "So! Where were we?"
-o-
The rest of the interview was certainly interesting, especially from a historical point of view, but overall, it proved to be pretty uneventful, and I ended the SBS soon after its conclusion. From there, Oimo and Kashi had resumed helping Galley-La rebuild the city, as well as passing on a request for them to start drawing up blueprints for a ship worthy of giants. Iceburg had had an odd gleam in his eye as he heard that request. I put it off to a unique challenge.
Usopp had left after that to actually make use of his ฿2 million in spending money, while Soundbite and I had decided to simply return to our living quarters, where I learned both good news and… well, not bad, but unexpected.
Good news, Merry had feeling back in her legs and was up and out of her bed, even if she was on crutches.
The unexpected news, however…
-o-
"Nononoooooomph!" Merry grunted, lying prone for a moment before opening her eyes and glaring into the floorboards. "This is embarrassing…" she ground out irritably. "I'm a child, not a baby. Why am I having so much trouble walking?"
"Because," I huffed as I slid my hands beneath her shoulders and lifted her back onto her feet. "Just like Conis, you've only ever had sea legs your entire life. Even without the crutches, you'd still be tripping from trying to overbalance and from trying to learn how to walk at all. I know it sucks, but…" I clapped her shoulders reassuringly before taking a kneeling position before her. "All we can do is press on, right?"
Merry grumbled melancholically beneath her breath before heaving a weary sigh. "Yeah, I know, I know. No pain, no gain…" She was silent for a second before cracking a slight smile. "At least I know you'll always be there to catch me, right?"
"Unless it's funny," I corrected with a smirk.
"THEN WE JUST STAND BACK and laugh!" Soundbite cackled.
Merry twitched slightly at that, a scowl flashing across her face before she suddenly let loose with the waterworks. "Coooooniiiiis," she whined in a distinctly childish tone. "Cross and Soundbite are picking on me!"
I blinked in confusion. "Eh—?"
"Sorry, Cross."
"Wait, wha—!?"
THUMP!
"YEOW!" I yelped, clutching the goose egg I was suddenly sporting.
"But to be fair, you are making a little girl cry," Conis sniffed as she hefted the bazooka she'd been polishing.
"Merry used Fake Tears!" Soundbite chortled. "It's only halfway effective!"
"Wanna bet?"
"Say wha—AAAAAGH!"
"Tseeheeheehee!" Su cackled as she laid on her back and spun Soundbite in her paws. "Punishing you guys is fun!"
"PUT ME DOWN! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME when I'm REVENGENING!"
"Seriously, you wouldn't," I smirked at Su. "You weren't here at the time, but Merry knows just how deep Soundbite's ire goes. As an example… Jaya?"
"AAAGH!" the erstwhile ship howled in agony as she grabbed her ears. "Damn it, Cross, I'm already suffering from physical trauma, don't pack mental scarring on there as well!"
"Don't mentally scar kids, Cross," Boss noted absentmindedly as he carefully detailed the scroll of seaweed he was inscribing.
"I beg to differ!" Donny barked indignantly as he rubbed his skull. "I say that mental scars will match perfectly with the remnants of my concussion!"
"My fractured ribcage agrees with—YEOW!" Mikey yelped as a metal hook bounced off his skull.
"Less talking, more working on your flexibility," Boss ordered without looking up. "Either you manage to pull off the Nori Arts by tonight, or I'll limber up your skeletons myself."
"But Booooss!" the orange-bandanna'd fighter whined pitifully. "This is totally impossible! You pulled off bending that way because you're a total monster, but we're normal! We can't just—!"
"Woohoo, this is fun!"
"—abuhwah?" Mikey said intelligently as he snapped his gaze over to Raphey in shock.
The dugong in question was flowing like a strand of seaweed caught in a current around Mikey. "Heck, it's more than fun! It's easy!"
"But how!?"
"Eh, I guess that girls are just more flexible than boys." Raphey shot a violence-filled grin at Boss. "Hey, mind if I help Mikey loosen up?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever makes you happy," the older dugong replied dismissively.
"Wait, wha—!?" CRACK! "YEARGH!"
"Thaaat's right!" Raphey cackled as she bent Mikey over her shoulders, eliciting more than a few pops and snaps from his joints. "Just loosen up! Let aaaall the tension flow right out of you!"
"THE TENSION IS RIPPING ME IN HALF!"
"Sounds like a 'you' problem. Maybe if I pull harder?"
"AAARGH!"
Donny's eye twitched fearfully as he watched his comrades go at it. "I don't know what scares me more, that this is normal for them or the idea that I might be next."
"Personally?" Leo mumbled out through the mummy's worth of bandages he was wrapped in. "I'm more concerned about ever being able to move at all."
"Don't think you're excluded just because of your injuries, Leo," Boss commented. "I want your Shell Body up to specs once you get out of there."
"Yes, sir…"
"Attaboy."
I rolled my eyes at the dugongs' interactions before turning my attention to Boss. "Say, not to tell you how to teach your students, Boss, but could I suggest having them change their focus?"
"Why?" the older Dugong asked, finally glancing up from his scroll.
"It's just, well," I shrugged helplessly. "Between the Full Shell Style, your hook and your all-around strength, you have all ranges from long to short covered, whereas they—"
"—are confined to short, damn it!" Boss cursed furiously as he shot to his tail and hastily stuffed his scroll in his shell. "Alright, boys, change of plans! Raphey, drop Mikey and grab Leo! We're going out now and we're not coming back until we've got your bases damn covered!"
"HA!" Mikey barked joyously as he slipped out of Raphey's grasp. "Now I have the upper hand!" He snatched his pistols out of his holsters and spun them by their triggers. "I've already got long-range covered, so I can just kick back and—WAGH!"
"Practice on your all-around proficiency with those things until you're about as good as Conis or Usopp?" Boss finished as he hauled Mikey along by his tail. "Couldn't agree more! NOW GET A MOVE ON!" And with that—
"YEARGH!"
—he flung his student out the window Paulie had already broken earlier and followed after him, with Donny and a Leo-carrying Raphey right behind him.
I blinked slowly as I tried to process what the hell had just happened before turning back to Merry. "So, you still ready to go?"
Merry shifted uncomfortably on her bed before plastering an uneasy grin on her face. "Does… anyone else have anything they can do to delay things a bit longer?"
Silence.
She sighed wearily as she prepared herself. "Yeah, didn't think so." She swung her legs off of her bed, positioned the crutches on the floor, and slowly put her weight on her legs. She grimaced with visible pain and effort, but she stood. Then, slowly, she put one foot in front of the other, moving her crutches appropriately as she did so.
"Two," she muttered as she took another step. "Three. Four. Fivvvve… siiiaaaah!"
I caught her as she pitched forward, smiling proudly as I patted her back. The part that wasn't a mess of scar tissue, to be specific. "That was great, Merry!"
"That was six. Lousy. Steps…" she muttered acridly into my shoulder.
"And when you try again you'll manage seven, then eight, then ten, and then you'll start doing it without crutches," I continued for her. "Come on, you'll make it with hard work, you know you will! I mean, just look at me!"
"W-Well…" Merry glanced hesitantly to the side.
"Come on, you know I know what I'm talking about!" I scoffed as I helped her back onto her bed. "I mean, look at the aftermath of Eneru! First it took me awhile to get my limbs moving again without agony, and then it took me awhile to get over my astraphobia, flash by flash and rumble by rumble, but look at me now!" I spread my arms confidently. "Ain't no phobia got no strings on me!"
It was at that instant that the door to the house slammed open with a thunderous rumble. "Cross."
I promptly snapped to attention, cold sweat streaming down my face. "I did nothing wrong and/or am being framed."
"Bullshit," Lassoo promptly scoffed.
"Malarkey," Merry nodded solemnly.
"I don't twust you as faw ash I can kick you," Carue spoke up, pointedly twitching his cast-bound legs before falling back into his snoring.
"I'm sorry, Cross, but they do have a point," Conis smiled apologetically.
"TSEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEEE!" Su cackled un-apologetically.
"I love this crew!" Soundbite breathed.
I twitched viciously as I swept a glare over my crewmates. "You're all dead to me," I vowed before spinning on my heel and plastering a smile on my face. "What's up, Nam—eep!"
My false smile shattered into shards of terror in the face of our navigator's expression. Sure, she looked perfectly calm and peaceful, smiling with a serenity befitting of Vivi herself, and I might have even bought it too… were it not for the roiling storm front looming around her, snapping and crackling from where it was hanging over us.
I swallowed fearfully before looking at Nami's… general direction, because for the life of me I could not look her in the eyes. "I-I-Is something wrong, Nami?" I squeaked in a tone of thoroughly forced calm.
"Cross," Nami repeated as she crossed her arms and tilted her head to the side just so. "Would you care to explain exactly why, in the middle of my shopping with Sanji and Usopp, we were delivered a literal half-ton of rugs in your name?"
My fear faltered in the face of the sheer randomness of the statement, prompting me to blink at her in confusion. "Rugs? Uh… sounds like a prank to me, I don't remember buying anything in the city. I mean, I didn't even get a chance thanks to the—ohh, that's right." I scratched the back of my head with an embarrassed grimace. "Look, I'm sorry, but it was an accident, alright? When the Unluckies jumped us a few days back, I crashed into that guy's stall and going by the shotgun he was sporting, he had a 'you break it you buy it' policy, and he did not like people skimping on the bill."
My dread gone, I shrugged apologetically instead. "Look, I'm sorry that I used money from the briefcase, alright? I know it was for our new ship, but it was an emergency. You can take it out of my share of the money, I doubt I'll be buying too much with it anyways. And besides, it's not like we won't have anyplace to put them, right?"
All throughout my explanation, Nami nodded along and hummed in agreement. "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's exactly right, Cross. I've already deducted that charge from your cut. All of what you just said is fair, but, you see…"
Soundbite and I flinched in terror as the clouds above us rumbled ominously.
"You're overlooking one little detail," Nami chirped pleasantly as she loomed over us and held a paper up for me to see. "You still have to pay for the rest of the damages."
"The rest of the whaaaaaaaah shite," I started to parrot before finishing in a squeak as I scanned over the paper, which turned out to be a table of said financial damages.
"Ohhh, you know," Nami slowly tilted her head to the side, her paralyzed smile remaining ever-present. "The damages that resulted from your little romp with your little friends? Now, of course, Iceburg is covering all the property damage, since he's dealing with that anyway from CP9 and Aqua Laguna." Her smile stretched to truly Cheshire-ish proportions. "But that still leaves the merchandise."
"Hohoho, this is hilarious!" Merry chuckled eagerly. "Just how bad is it?"
"Lemme take a looksee!" Su hastily scrambled up my back and peered over my shoulder. "And the final count is—!" The cloud fox stared at the paper for a moment before affixing me with a flat look. "You're fucked."
"Su!" Conis gasped as she snatched up her companion. "I'm sure that's not even remotely true! Now, let me just take a look and…" Conis lapsed into silence as her jaw steadily dropped. "…Holy shit, Cross."
A strangled wheeze dragged its way out of my throat. That… was not a small number I was looking at. Rather, it was a big number. A very, very, very big number.
"THAT MUCH FOR CABBAGES?! No wonder his CART WAS FULL!" Soundbite spat indignantly.
"Maybe so," Nami admitted with a shrug. "But we still need to pay. And when I say 'we'…" The storm rumbled and crackled as she leaned in close.
I shivered in terror before hastily snapping a finger up with a panicked grin. "May I have a moment? I'd like to consult my legal counsel."
"Sure!" Nami said pleasantly. "Even death row allows final requests."
I shuddered at that before spinning on my heel and crouching down, huddling up with Lassoo and Soundbite. "What the hell do we do!?" I hissed desperately, hiding my mouth behind my hand.
"What the hell is this 'we' shit, KEMOSABE!?" Soundbite hissed indignantly.
"Yeah!" Lassoo snarled from behind his paw. "You're the one whose head they wanted!"
"And you're the one who was blasting left right and center, so you're in it as deep as me!" I shot right back, directing a glare at the snail. "And you know as well as I do that whatever hell I go to, I'm dragging you there with me, so maybe you should get off your ass and think of a way to save our skins!"
"Oh, yeah!?" Lassoo bit out. "Well, as your 'legal counsel', I formally advise you that we are screwed!"
"YEAH!" Soundbite spat. "WE CAN'T PAY THAT FORTUNE WITHOUT tapping the crew fund, and that means going through Nami!"
"Well…" I scrambled for options. "Maybe we can just make a break for it and wait for this to all blow over?"
As one, we all glanced back at Nami… and promptly snapped our gazes forward with renewed cold sweat at sight of the lightning snapping around her.
"Hell no," I summarized.
"Not a chance," Lassoo whined.
"We are going to die," Soundbite whimpered. "We are GOING to DIE!"
"Maybe so…" I nodded slowly, clenching my fists "But at least we can take our last option like men. You guys with me?"
"As if I had a choice."
"EVER AND ALWAYS!"
"Then let's do it."
With that, I stood up, we all turned to face Nami with determined expressions…
And then we all fell flat on the ground.
"PLEASE SPARE OUR WORTHLESS SOULS, OH MIGHTY MISTRESS OF WEATHER!" we sobbed as one.
Nami's expression didn't change at all as she observed our groveling. Then she opened her mouth—
"Puru puru puru puru!"
And snapped it shut, also snapping her Eisen Tempo back to her usual cloudy aura as Soundbite began ringing and the three of us slumped in relief. "Damn."
"I never thought I'd say this straight up, but God bless the Marine Corps!" I proclaimed as I got to my feet. "Well, now that that's over and done with—GRK!" I was cut off by a vice grip clamping down on my shoulder.
"We will continue to discuss this later," Nami promised me.
I whimpered in agreement, and Nami thankfully released me. I took a moment to get my heart rate back below jackhammer levels, and glanced around the room. "Conis, Su, if you wouldn't mind taking a walk for a bit?"
"Oooh, more secret political maneuvering, eh?" Su said. "Count me—ACK!"
"Sorry about her," Conis apologized as she held her struggling companion up by her tail. "I'll make sure to keep a close eye on where she is."
"Thanks," I nodded gratefully before turning to the duck in the room. "Carue, since Vivi's not here right now—?"
"Count me out," Carue squawked with an airy wave. "Gawding evewyone's my job, Ah'll weave the powiticaw schtuff tah you guys."
"Fair 'nuff. Conis, would you mind—?"
"Heave-ho!" the angel grunted as she lifted the duck to his feet and supported him.
"Alright, and Carue, do you think you could carry—?" THACK! "MMPH!?" A sudden pillow hitting my face cut off my question.
"I already know everything, dingus," Merry said, crossing her arms with a petulant pout. "Let me outline this for you: I want in, and if you want me out you'd better be willing to bring one hell of a fight."
I opened my mouth to tell her exactly why that was not happening, and then I clicked it shut as I realized I didn't really have an answer to that, did I? "Alright, fine, you can stay if you want."
"Yes!" she crowed, pumping her fist.
"But no… not too much screwing around."
"Aww…" she groaned, plopping back onto her bed.
"Well!" Lassoo barked up hastily. "If she's free to stay, then I'm free to go. Politics bore me. Among, ah…" He glanced at Nami and shivered. "Other reasons… seeyawouldn'twannabeya!" He hastily belted out the last part before scampering out the door.
"TRAITOR!" Soundbite howled after him.
"TRAITOR WHO'S GONNA LIVE!"
I grimaced as the dachshund escaped before picking up the receiver; with any luck, this would have enough good news that the blow Nami struck would be softened. Though as my greeting showed, my hopes weren't high.
-o-
"George's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
"That is awful," Tashigi deadpanned, regarding the snail before her and her superior with a flat look.
"What, you haven't noticed yet?" Cross scoffed indignantly. "I'm what the world would consider an awful person! It's in my nature!"
"Awful person or not, don't you think you could try and stay serious for half a second, Cross?" Smoker sighed wearily.
"…I'll do you the courtesy of presuming that you took a blow to the head in the past twenty-four hours and ignore that question."
"Honestly, Smoker, you really should know better by now," Nami lamented with a slight grin.
"Heheheh, yeah! No wonder we always manage to get away from you guys, you're actually pretty dumb!"
A new voice caused the Marines to pause in shock.
"Was that—?" Tashigi started to ask.
"Yep, Going Merry in the flesh!" the girl-ship crowed. "And before you guys even think of booting me out of this, remember that I've listened in on every one of you bozo's meetings up until now, so I'm about as deep in this as you, so there!"
The two Marines exchanged glances before sloooowly examining the walls around them. "So, the walls really do have ears," Tashigi stated in a distinctly unnerved voice. "Good to know."
Smoker pinched the bridge of his nose as he heaved out a fume-laden sigh. "As if the snail and the princess weren't bad enough…" he grit out.
Cross snickered for a bit before swiftly sobering up. "Amusing as chipping away at a person's sanity always is, we can joke later, so for now, let's touch base and get to work. First things first: got any news from behind the white-and-blue lines?"
"Oh, only enough to fill a newspaper cover to cover," Tashigi dryly replied . "While your crew was burning down Enies Lobby, Goat, Rooster and almost a dozen other big-named rookies in the Grand Line were causing trouble of their own. The quick version is that the Corps has lost a quarter of its liquid assets, at least three bases to mutiny or civilian rebellion, and a dedicated training grounds for Marines ranked Rear Admiral and higher has suffered significant damage. And that's just from the rookie pirates."
"Meanwhile, where your comrade's little…" Smoke started drifting up from the Commodore's body as he spied Tashigi's knuckles turning white as she gripped her sleeves. "History lesson was concerned, 90% of the Corps' giants mutinied when they heard about Ohara. Admiral Aokiji subdued them with… relative ease, but the remaining loyalists in Marineford are recovering from either being attacked or trying to stop the fight."
He gave a snort, tapping the ashes off his cigar. "Once all was said and done, a headcount showed that at least five of the mutineers went AWOL in the initial battle. As for the rest of them, they stood down and reaffirmed their loyalty to the Corps when Akainu convinced—"
"Read, threatened," Tashigi clarified.
"—them, though they're still under observation."
"Ah… wait, I'm sorry, did you just say 'Akainu threatened them'?" Cross blinked in confusion. "Akainu doesn't threaten, he immolates."
"Not in this case, he doesn't," Smoker scoffed. "Sengoku was… insistent on the extent of his actions, and is still insisting right now. Still, even with the scrutiny on them, we're going to be looking into all of those giants for potential additions to our number. While half of them were most likely just caught up in the rush of it all and are still sincere about their loyalties to the Corps, I don't doubt that the other half were just gritting their teeth so that they wouldn't give the mutt an excuse."
"…HOLY SHIT," Soundbite summarized succinctly.
"No kidding," Cross agreed.
"HA! And I thought we caused enough chaos in person!" Merry chortled.
"Ah… wait, hang on a second…" the Straw Hats' navigator spoke up in confusion. "You said that only the Giants mutinied at that? Why only them and not other soldiers? Well, what made them mutiny en masse, I mean."
"Ah… gimme a second here…" Tashigi muttered under her breath as she withdrew a notebook from her jacket and started flipping through it, finishing up by tapping one of the more recently filled pages. "Ah, here it is: according to intel we managed to suss out, former Vice Admiral Jaguar D. Saul was exceptionally popular among the Marine giants, and in spite of his death being two decades ago, his friendship was still fresh in their mind. As such, they took offense to his manner of death, as well as to the Corps hunting Nico Robin, who they apparently consider to be his ward."
She then flipped to the next page and cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "Furthermore, there were also apparently a few veterans of the Giant Warrior Pirates among those enlisted, due to the Corps being more generous when it comes to recruiting extra-human soldiers, and they were already upset when they heard about Oimo and Kashi. And with both of those in mind, it seems that the breaking point was when Vice Admiral John Giant said that Saul deserved his fate. That's when the riot started, and matters just seemed to escalate from there."
"Typical for a D.," Smoker muttered under his breath. "Raising seven different kinds of hell even from beyond the—!" The smoke-man snapped his jaws shut, growling, when Merry started howling with laughter.
"Hrm…" Nami mused thoughtfully. "If that's the case… a suggestion for whoever you have watching the giants you think might be good for recruitment: tell them to drop Saul's name and watch for a reaction. If they're not totally onboard with the Marines, they'll show it."
"You're sure?" Tashigi asked in confirmation.
The navigator's expression darkened. "I've had more than eight years' worth of practice hiding the fact that I hate a person while being within shooting distance of them at every hour of the day. I know."
A harsh silence fell as Smoker and Tashigi both grimaced at that particular reminder. "I'll pass on the recommendation," the commodore said at last.
"ALRIGHT, CHANGING THE SUBJECT NOW. QUESTION FOR THE TURNCOATS: the hell's got you down in the dumps, FOUR-EYES? We just kicked ten kinds of ASS AND GAVE THE WORLD GOVERNMENT THE big mama of black eyes! SHOULDN'T YOU BE cheering from the rooftops?"
Tashigi bit into her lip as she slowly bowed her head, her expression shadowed by both the lights of the room and her bangs. Going by how the snail's expression sobered up and became somewhat hesitant, it was clear that the message had gotten across. Smoker made to say something…
"It's hard for me to get enthusiastic about anything…"
But was interrupted by Tashigi's dull voice.
"When I can still hear Nico Robin, a woman I thought, knew was a monster, outlining each and every last detail of the horrors that the World Government inflicted on Ohara. It's hard to really feel much of anything knowing that I supported an organization responsible for something like that…"
Silence fell again, at least until Cross put up a (shaky) grin over the connection.
"H-Hey, come on, Lieutenant, you know that's not true," the pirate insisted. "You're not part of that organization, remember? You're part of one that's dedicating itself to preventing shit like that from happening ever ag—"
"Anymore."
"…eh?"
"I'm not a part of that organization anymore, Cross," Tashigi clarified through grit teeth, tears brimming in her eyes. "I still actually joined them, I still served at their behest… because I had faith in them. I had faith in the Marine Corps, in the World Government. And even after you helped show me what you did, I still had faith in them, in that there was some measure of good left in the Marine Corps, in spite of the corruption obviously infesting it! But now…"
She reached beneath her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Now I know the corruption runs to the very top, to the Fleet Admiral himself. I…" She let out a pained groan as she shook her head. "I honestly didn't see it coming. I just…"
"None of us did, Lieutenant," Smoker said, softer than any present had heard from him. "We all thought that Sengoku of all people would be the unyielding pillar of Justice we all see him as, that he wouldn't resort to these methods." The Commodore then directed an acrid glare at the snail. "So unless you're going to tell me that you lied about Sengoku's name being on that many entries in the black book, in which case there will be consequences—!"
"Commodore Smoker."
A sharp, ironclad interjection from Cross interrupted the Marine's accusation.
"In the history of the SBS, the only time I have ever lied was when I said that the golden bell on Sky Island was lost, and that was to prevent a second genocide over its possession," Cross replied venomously, before slumping and heaving a dejected sigh, his expression downcast. "No… no, as much as I hate to admit it, Sengoku's signature was indeed on at least a third of those pages, with Kong's, the Elder Stars', and any of the Admirals' on the rest. Granted, the pages Sengoku approved were relatively more acceptable than the examples I listed, but…" The snail shook its head in defeat. "Well, by their very nature, nothing CP9 did was ever pretty."
Tashigi knocked the back of her skull against the wall, groaning as she ground her fist into her forehead. "Damn it…" she bit out. "I feel like such a—!"
"But!" Cross hastily interjected, his demeanor swiftly reversing itself. "That being said, I still have faith that Sengoku isn't corrupt."
The Marines stared at Cross's proxy in confusion.
"But…" Tashigi started hesitantly. "I thought you said—?"
"If you'll recall my words at the time, anybody in Sengoku's position would have no other option but to make some tough, ultimately morally compromising choices. We all knew it, the only reason we're actually taking issue with them is because I aired them all," Cross explained. "Put it this way, all I did was reveal he's human. Chances are that he isn't beyond hope. If all else fails, I know one secret that could change his mind, but I'm not going to be able to use it anytime remotely soon."
Smoker narrowed his eyes accusingly. "Cross, any other time, I'd put up with your cryptic BS. But after the hell of a day we've had, which you've caused, I'm not willing to take your word for it without details. Spill. Now."
Silence reigned for a moment, until Cross sighed. "Alright, it's… innocuous enough… just don't go spreading it around, alright? Mention one name in all of this to the wrong person and you are beyond screwed."
"We won't," Smoker snorted.
"Well, alright, then, where to start… remember awhile back, when I said that Vergo had beaten a mole within the Donquixote Pirates within an inch of his life?" He didn't wait for an answer. "That mole was Donquixote Rocinante, Doflamingo's biological younger brother… and he was pretty much Sengoku's adopted son."
The silence in the room was deafening as the Marines gaped at the snail.
"…you're serious," Tashigi flatly stated.
"As a bullet," Cross confirmed. "It's a long and… seriously messed up story, but the end message is that Rocinante died at his brother's hand, protecting a boy he himself had adopted, which Sengoku doesn't know, and that nobody besides us here and Sengoku himself know of his relation to Rocinante. If nothing else, me even mentioning his name should give him one hell of a pause."
"…And what's Sengoku's unknown grandson doing now?" Smoker inquired.
"Eh… that depends. You mentioned that a bunch of rookies recently went nuts, right? Do you know where the Heart Pirates were in it all?"
Tashigi and Smoker exchanged shocked looks before the former thumbed through her notebook. "Uh… they… teamed up with the Bonney Pirates and invaded base G-76. It seems that besides looting the place from top to bottom, they paralyzed the Marines positioned there and used them for a… game of… Jenga…" she said, green creeping onto her face.
"…Well, then, I guess Law just spent the day playing Jenga."
Tashigi's strangled squawk was mirrored by Nami's.
"Oh, we are not even getting close to that psycho."
"Trust me, this is tame by his standards," Cross reassured. "And just to be clear here… we're getting allied with him."
"Of course we are!" Merry cheered eagerly. "In this kind of situation, the only options are alliance or destruction!"
"Or getting chopped into a thousand pieces while staying perfectly alive and unharmed," came a cool female voice that caused Tashigi's old wounds to throb.
"Mimicking Robin's voice does not give you carte blanche to be creepy!" Nami snapped irritably.
"EH? THE HELL ARE YOU talking about, I DIDN'T SAY—!"
"MOVING ON!" Cross barked hastily with a somewhat panicked expression. "What's the next question here… AH! Right, what are you guys' current marching orders?"
Smoker glanced at Tashigi in puzzlement, and the only response she could muster was a confused shrug, so for the sake of the last frayed threads of his sanity he decided to ignore whatever the hell that was. "My ship is currently en route to the G-54 base. Most of the surrounding bases have either mutinied or been attacked, so they're sending me to handle anything that comes up while they send a higher-ranking officer from HQ as a permanent replacement. It'll be a short assignment."
"As for everyone else," Tashigi continued. "T-Bone's been summoned back to Marineford for an after-action report, though the scars he's gotten should speak louder than anything he has to say, which is a good thing. Jonathan, as you can expect, is holding down his fort and mainly keeping the gates open as a makeshift rest stop for any Marines near them. And finally, Hina is currently heading for the Twin Capes to start cutting down on the number of psychos that our Blue bases are reporting headed for Reverse Mountain."
"Perfect!" Cross said happily. "If Hina's heading that way anyway with her full fleet, she can handle what I was going to ask; do me a favor and pass along a request to her that she either swing by Little Garden herself or that she send… eh, two battleships? One if her ships are big enough."
Tashigi frowned in confusion. "Officially, Little Garden is a prehistoric wildlife preserve and unofficially it's a death sentence to all who land there without an Eternal Pose. Why would she need to go there?"
Cross donned his usual shit-eating grin with immense eagerness. "Ooooh, no reason, it's just that for the past century, Little Garden has also been the arena for Blue Ogre Dorry and Red Ogre Broggy's honor duel, and they need a lift to Water 7 so that they can rendezvous with their crew."
Tashigi's expression promptly fell flat. "Of course. Because why not," she droned, and started reaching for the snail. "Look, Cross, I've had a hell of a week and I just want to get some sleep, so if there isn't anything else—!"
"Wait!"
Tashigi froze mid-motion when Merry suddenly spoke up again.
"Lieutenant Tashigi…" the young 'girl' started with uncharacteristic hesitation. "I… look, I know a lot about my crew's past stunts and whatnot, but admittedly there are quite a few gaps in my knowledge, centered around when my crew was on shore. But from what I've pieced together… you saved Cross's life in Rainbase, right? When you took down Mr. 3?"
"Ah…" Tashigi hedged slightly. "Yes, against my better judgment. Why?"
"Well, in that case…" Merry adopted an angelic smile as she beamed at the Marine. "I just wanted to thank you for saving my life, too, is all."
Tashigi blinked slowly as her mind tried to process what she'd just heard, the words bouncing around in her skull without sticking. "…huh?" she finally managed to get out.
"Well… yeah," Merry nodded as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, after all, if you hadn't been there, then he would have died, and then I would have died. But because you saved him, he was able to save me. Which means… you saved me too. So…" She nodded again. "Thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to live. For letting me fulfill my dreams. I… I owe you everything, Tashigi, just as much as I owe Cross, and I'll always be grateful for this chance you've given me. Just… thank you."
Tashigi's jaw worked itself silently, but she eventually clenched her mouth shut. "…Permission to excuse myself for a moment, sir?" she whispered softly.
Smoker didn't even hesitate to jerk his thumb at the door. "Go on and get the hell out of here, Marine."
The swordswoman was out of the room before he was even finished. The smoke-man waited a few seconds after the door swung shut before turning back to the snail. "That was a load of bull and you know it."
Merry's smile took on an apologetic tinge. "Yeah, I know, but can you honestly tell me that even mattered a little bit, and that she didn't need to hear that?"
Smoker was silent for a second, and in that silence he listened to the light, hiccupping sobbing wafting through the crack in the door.
The corners of his mouth turned upwards. "…no. No, I can't," he admitted quietly.
After a minute or so, the noise died down and Tashigi re-entered the room, furtively swiping at eyes that were pointedly not red or puffy.
"T-Thank you very much for informing me of that, Merry," she said, a small smile on her face.
"Thank you," the girl-ship chirped virtuously.
"Heh. Glad to have you back, Lieutenant," Cross nodded happily. "Anyway, while I have you, I did have one more question before we wrap this up: do you two have any idea why Akainu and Kizaru weren't at Enies Lobby? I expected Sengoku to throw everything at us, and while Kizaru could be expected to duck out from sheer laziness, I wouldn't expect Akainu to miss us burning Enies down for the world."
The two Marines exchanged glances of perfect understanding, but before Tashigi could say a word, Smoker snapped a finger up and silenced her. "You seriously lucked out with Kizaru," he grunted. "A training accident sent him flying into the Red Line when he tried to use his abilities to reach you. He'll be recovering from it for a few days."
The lieutenant stared at him in confusion before the commodore drew the word 'ego' in the air with his smoke, prompting her to pale and nod vigorously.
"What? How the heck did that work? I mean, I know the general mechanics of the Glint-Glint Fruit as a Logia, but how did he—"
"Mirrors," Tashigi deadpanned.
"…How did I not think of that sooner? Nami, if we end up meeting Kizaru, be ready to throw up a mirage; play it right, and he could end up on the other side of the world."
"I will absolutely remember that," Nami promised fervently.
"Damn ri—eh? Hey, you two alright?"
"F-Fine, Cross!" Tashigi wheezed as she recovered from a rather ragged coughing fit. "A-Anyway, I'll let Rooster fill you in on the details himself, but suffice to say that where his actions were concerned, they were more than enough to warrant Akainu going after him personally. He avoided him by sailing into the Calm Belt, but then Boa Hancock of the Seven Warlords was sent after him. Capricorn confirmed that he's still alive and free, but…" She shrugged helplessly. "We're not sure of the finer details."
Cross slowly blinked in shock. "…Huh. That's… unexpected, to say the least. No clue how the hell he'd outrun her in the Calm Belt… I will definitely have to ask him about that. Easy money says that it'll be one hell of a story."
"I'm inclined to agree in this case, Cross," Smoker grunted in agreement. "But we'll be learning it for ourselves soon enough. This call was just a status report so that we could touch base with you before we get into our assignments. Like I said, it should be short, no longer than a couple of days, but we'll be out of touch in that time."
"But once that's done, we'll have the opportunity to get in contact with you in earnest," Tashigi promised, "Get ready Cross, because this will almost certainly be the most important meeting of MI6 to date."
"Sounds good to me," Cross nodded solemnly. "I'll arrange matters with our own allies and when the time co—!" The pirate trailed off, stiffening in shock. "Wait a second, did you just say MI-6!?"
Tashigi blinked as she realized the cause for Cross's confusion, and she made to answer before an impish smirk slowly spread across her face.
"You know what, Cross?" she simpered sweetly. "I think that this time, I'll leave you with the unanswered questions. Buh-bye!"
"What are you—!? NonononoWAI—KA-LICK!"
Tashigi hung the snail up before the pirate could get another word in and started howling with laughter a moment later.
"Ohohohoooooh, that was fun!" she cackled as she shot her fist in the air. "Woo, I am feeling utterly pumped!" She spun on her heel and snapped a salute at Smoker. "Permission to go on deck and practice my flying slashes on the cloud, sir?"
Smoker cocked his eyebrow at her before waving his hand dismissively. "Get out of here, Lieutenant."
"Thank you, sir!" And with that the swordswoman shot out of the room with a whoop of glee.
After a moment, Smoker left the room as well, heading for his quarters. 'I guess the rumors really are true,' he reflected silently, the corners of his lips turning upwards ever so slightly yet again. 'There's just no end to the Straw Hats' capabilities.'
-o-
I blinked slowly as I processed what the hell had just happened before leaning back on the bed I was sitting on with a weary sigh. "Damn. Beaten at my own game. And by her, of all people! Could this—aaand I'm stopping right there," I declared in a suddenly cheerful tone as I shot to my feet. "Because I have no desire to suffer! Well, if you'll excuse me—!"
I made to stride out of the house, and was promptly halted by a hand clamping down on my shoulder and the barometric pressure in the room nose-diving so fast that my breath caught in my throat.
"Did you honestly think I'd forget about this much money?" Nami asked in an honestly insulted tone.
"WERE YOU SERIOUSLY LEAVING ME TO HER MERCY!?" Soundbite howled indignantly.
"…every sapient for himself?" I whimpered pitifully through the tears cascading down my face. "And honestly, I was hopeful that what with how rich we are, and the fact that I'm responsible for it, the two events would even one another out?"
There was a moment of tense silence as Nami thought it over before the storm looming over us dissipated and she patted my shoulder with a chuckle. "Alright, Cross, alright, I'll foot the bill out of our coffers. Given how much we have, even with what we'll be paying Franky once Sodom and Gomorrah are ready to set out, it's really not that much in the long run."
I heaved a sigh of relief and I was about to thank her when she patted my shoulder again and walked past me.
"I'll just do one thing once all's said and done," she stated, popping a single finger to go along with the announcement.
For some reason, I couldn't help but feel a stab of existential dread. "And… that would be?"
Nami turned on her heel, and proceeded to smile the most innocent and yet utterly evil smile I'd ever seen in my entire life.
"I'll put it all on your tab."
The last thing I heard as everything went black was Merry howling with laughter.
-o-
I woke up a short while later to a recently-returned Chopper's smelling salts, and after hasty assurances that I wouldn't be having a (entirely warranted, in my opinion) panic attack, he set about checking on our still-healing crewmates while Merry observed the also-returned Sanji's experiments with eager glee. Credit where it was due, in spite of the utterly inedible ingredients he'd been forced to procure, the presentation and even the smell almost made me want to try it.
…Yeah, Luffy'd be stealing it at least once, no doubt about it. I'd have to keep my Vision Dial handy, because there was no way in hell I was missing the one chance I might get to immortalize either Luffy blowing chunks or Chopper pumping his stomach.
Anyway, once I was back on my feet—and after I dealt with the existential crisis of not having any money ever again in the foreseeable future—I got to work on the next item on my inordinately packed agenda: that is to say, contacting our other allies.
I had no delusions; the next time I spoke to MI6, I'd be telling them everything there was to tell about me, so it would be best to bring everyone in on it so that I wouldn't have to tell it again. It should have been a straightforward endeavor, really: get in, tell them to be on the lookout for a conference call with all of our allies in the next few days, move on with my life. Simple, no?
But of course, I was a Straw Hat, so simple things were rarely even close to easy for me. As such, both occurrences found me surprised with the developments that ensued. The first of these surprises came about when I came in contact with Foxy first…
-o-
"Oh? So, we're finally going to find out exactly how you know so much? Well, I'm certainly looking forward to that," Foxy grinned eagerly. "But if I may, I'd like to make a recommendation for another addition to the little Zodiac of the Damned we've been setting up."
"Zodiac of the—? Huh… that's actually a pretty good name, I think I'll steal it. Anyway, you are our recruiter, so I'll consider whoever you have in mind. Ah, who would that be, exactly?"
"Oh, I think you might know him." Foxy smirked as he waved the person at his side forward. "Care to speak up?"
"Apapapa! You know I never don't! Heyo, Cross, bet you weren't expecting on hearing from me so soon, eh?"
"The hell—!? A-Apoo? You—but—he—how—?"
"Oh, how I love being able to make him speechless," Foxy chuckled as he cradled his chin in a semi-cool stance.
"I think that's a universally shared opinion, it is pretty amusing," Apoo snickered as he mirrored the other captain's pose.
"Mergrgr… how much does he know, exactly?" Cross managed at last.
Foxy's charisma shattered fantastically as a heavy sweatdrop dripped from his brow. "He… figured out that I was Luffy's subordinate pretty early on, the same time I figured out that you and he were friends rather than rivals," he awkwardly admitted. "I haven't told him much beyond the fact that you and I share a sizeable number of contacts, but he was willing to keep my secret, and I figured that since you two are on good terms anyway, why not?"
The snail fell silent, and slowly looked at the soon-to-be Supernova. "Apoo, I'm willing to trust you with this, but as your friend, I have to warn you: this is going to be both a massive undertaking and a perilous one. We're talking about more than just sharing contacts; if you get in on this, then you're in for the long haul. If that's fine with you—"
"Causing more trouble on the magnitude of what you and your crewmates have been pulling off over the course of your entire career?" Apoo snickered and shook his head. "Sign me up for this haul, it sounds like fun."
"…Well, Vivi certainly hit the nail on the head about your tribe, didn't she? Alright, then, you had your warning. We'll decide on your code name at the main meeting."
"I can only imagine that half of them will be thrilled to count you among our number," Foxy chuckled as he wrung his hands eagerly.
That brought the Long-Arm up short, prompting him to blink in confusion. "Wait, how many others are part of this?" he asked curiously.
"Weeeeell, for starters," Cross grinned eagerly. "I myself go by Ophiuchus. Foxy's code name is Goat. We also have one by the name of Rooster, who I'll be calling after this, and I've recently recruited one other crew who we'll be introing to this endeavor and giving their codename at the same time as you. Besides that, we've got six officers in the Marine Corps going by the Western Zodiac: Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio, and Sagittarius. I know there's one more, but because they've decided to screw with me, I know neither that officer's identity nor the codename they've elected to go by."
Cross's mouth twisted into a smirk. "Though going by my crew's luck, I have my suspicions for the former. And of course, aside from Pisces and possibly the newest officer, all of them have their own respective subordinates and crews that are also part of this."
"…Impressive," Apoo breathed as his eyes widened in shock. "Well. Definitely count me in now."
"Alright. Fair warning, though: once you've found out my secret, there's going to be no chance of turning back, and trust me, this particular rabbit hole goes way deeper than our previous arrangement. Foxy, I'll leave the general explaining to you, I need to let Rooster know about this."
"Very well. Goat out." And with that Foxy pressed his finger into the snail's speaker cradle.
Apoo cocked his eyebrow at the trickster Captain. "So… how deep does this rabbit hole go, exactly?"
"Feh feh feh feh," Foxy chuckled grimly, shaking his head as he strolled over to the door of the cabin and cracked it open. "Hamburg! A full cask of our finest rum, on the double!" He then turned a weary smile on his suddenly nervous compatriot. "We're gonna need to get hammered for this."
-o-
After that particular surprise, I then moved on to Bartolomeo, hoping for a relatively saner conversation.
But of course…
-o-
"Puru puru puru puru—KA-LICK!"
"Rooster."
"Ophiuchus, and allow me leap straight to the point!" Cross barked. "If Pisces is to be even remotely believed, then I'm having a hard time choosing where the hell to start. So you tell me, who would you prefer to explain first, huh? The freaking Admiral or the freaking Warlord!?"
"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo cackled. "Eh, let's start with the Mad Dog! Not much of a story there, ta be honest! All I did was punch out a Celestial Dra—"
BAM! CRASH!
"I'll keep saying it until you get it right, you shark-toothed bastard!" Gin snarled at his captain as he worked to yank his head out of the wall his first mate had punched it into. "I knocked him out! Why can't you just be satisfied with personally taunting the Five Elder Stars?!"
Bartolomeo yanked his head out of the woodwork and rounded on his subordinate with a scowl of his own. "Go choke on a cannonball, deadeye!" he bit out, flashing a sizeable middle finger with his barriers before turning back to the snail. "But anyway, yeah, not that big a deal. I just wanted to help you guys out, draw some heat off a' you, ya know? I'm sure you woulda done the same for me!"
Cross gaped silently at him for a second before chuckling softly, his mouth set in a wry grin. "Yeaaah, you're not wrong there, Barty. Credit where it's due, though, I knew you had big brass ones before, but this…" The pirate nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Bartolomeo. That took guts. You're a hell of a pirate and a damn good friend."
There was a moment of silence, during which the Transponder Snail grimaced uncomfortably.
"He's paralyzed from sheer joy, isn't he?"
Mr. 5, Gin and Miss Goldenweek shook their heads in silent denial.
"Huh… dancing a jig a little ways away?"
More head-shaking.
"…" The snail's expression fell as flat as a board. "He's bowing and worshipping before a shrine of what few bounty posters we have?"
"I'd love to call you conceited, Cross…" Mr. 5 drawled, before kneading the bridge of his nose with a groan. "But all of those are typical things he does. In this case, however…" The ex-bounty hunter cocked an eyebrow as he watched Apis idly pop bubbles coming from their captain's mouth. "He's fainted from sheer euphoria and foaming."
The snail sighed. "Ooof course he is. Well, that won't do, will it? Time for a wake-up call."
The assembled crewmates stiffened fearfully before scrambling for the snail—!
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
—and reeling back in agony when it belted out an ear-rendingly loud honk before they could stop it.
"GYAGH!" Bartolomeo yelped, clutching his ears as he shot up.
"I love this thing," Cross snickered.
"WE KNOW!" the top brass of the Barto Club and Soundbite roared.
"Oh, good, Barty's awake. Get your head in the game, man, we're not done yet. And for the record?" Cross grimaced uncomfortably. "The hero-worship is starting to get a little bit creepy, so if you could curb your enthusiasm even a bit…?"
"That's about as likely as Crocodile allying with your captain, you damn all-luck magnet," Miss Valentine groused from the corner of the room she was slumped in. "Just let it go, it could be worse."
"Right, then, who vetoed the Luffy figurehead?"
That got shocked looks from everyone.
"How the hell did you know that?" Gin demanded.
"Pfheheheh," Cross chuckled grimly. "Trust me, you guys are lucky. Any other day I'd bullshit you all, but in all honesty, Barty'll be learning the truth soon enough at a not-so-little get-together I've got planned in a few days' time. But that's in the future. For now, we still have the matter of Boa 'World's Most Beautiful and Second-Deadliest Woman' Hancock. I don't know how the hell you guys are navigating the Calm Belt, but considering how she can do it with ease, how did you manage to avoid her?"
"Who said they avoided us?"
The snail's eyestalks snapped to attention as the sumo-like Kuja Pirate who'd remained silent until then chose to speak up.
"…Going by the voice, the sheer authority and the relative age, I'm guessing…" the snail's eyestalks swiveled around in order to cock inquisitively. "Boa Marigold, youngest of the three Gorgon Sisters?"
"As impressive as ever, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold replied evenly. "In case you were curious about my presence here, suffice to say that your words have had a significant impact on my oldest sister; we've become quite the fans of your SBS, and when we learned that Bartolomeo was not only a mutual fan but also allied with you, Hancock elected to falsify a report of failure while I remained here to await your inevitable contact. We were very interested in speaking with you."
Cross blinked in surprise before beaming triumphantly. "Hancock actually likes my show? That's great! I suspected she'd either be keeping an ear open for my work or banning it wholesale because of my gender. Lemme guess, Nyon didn't stop blaring it in the palace until she finally gave up?"
Marigold smirked momentarily before frowning. "As… amusing as that would have been, no. Suffice to say that one of your… earlier broadcasts caught our attention, and we've been listening intently ever since."
The expression on the snail snapped from smug to solemn so suddenly that the serpent-sumo stiffened. Cross had proven himself to be well-informed, but was it possible that he could know—?
"This might not be my place," Cross said, snapping her out of her thoughts. "And even wholly insensitive and maybe even more than a bit frightening, but I feel like I must offer what condolences I can. What you went through…" The pirate shook his head morosely. "The fact that any of you are functioning at all is a miracle. I can't even begin to apologize on behalf of… hell, pretty much the entire human race for the sins you were unjustly forced to suffer."
"…I am now acutely aware of two facts about you, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold stated in a thoroughly shaken voice. "There is no chance that you are allied with the World Government…"
SMASH!
The Barto Club Pirates staggered back in shock when Boa Marigold suddenly snapped into her hybrid form and encircled the terrified Transponder Snail, baring her fangs mere inches from its face.
"And there is nothing that I can be utterly certain that you do not know," she snarled. "Regardless of how IMPOSSIBLE IT SHOULD BE FOR YOU TO KNOW IT!"
In spite of its shivering, the snail's eyestalks remained steady and firm, before slowly bowing sadly. "…For whatever it's worth, I haven't told anyone else. Not even Soundbite knows the details."
"Speaking of Soundbite!" The snail's eyes then snapped up with an indignant glare. "Drop the fangs, would ya!? THIS SHIT IS MURDER ON MY MOUTH!"
Silence fell for the longest seconds of the Barto Club's lives as they looked between the shivering snail and the haunted expression of one of the most fearsome pirates on the seas. Then, at last, the King Cobra hybrid shrank down to her normal (though admittedly still very tall) size.
"My apologies," she said quietly.
"Same to you," Cross shook his head regretfully. "I shouldn't have brought up your past like that, it was an impulsive move and…" He shook his head again. "Anyway, in what is simultaneously a desperate bid to change the subject and a return to business, may I offer you an invitation to the get-together I mentioned earlier, Boa Marigold? I assure you, you'll find our discussions to be quite… pertinent."
Marigold froze, taking a moment to process the implications, before shaking her head with a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we can't truly support your crew—"
"—for fear of the World Government revoking Hancock's title and making Amazon Lily fair game, right," Cross finished with a grimace. "Yeah, that would be a concern, wouldn't it?"
"Does that even matter?" Bartolomeo spoke up with honest confusion. "I mean, anonymity is what the whole code name system is for, right?"
"That's its intention, yes, but it's not infallible," Miss Goldenweek shrugged dismissively. "While everyone involved in this… undertaking, for lack of a better word, are all at risk should their identities be compromised, Hancock's status means that the threat to her is aggravated. She's already taking a monumental risk by letting us go."
"Amazon Lily…" Miss Valentine mused as she eyed Marigold. "Going by the name and the composition of your crew, that's a literal name, right? Only women, nobody else?" She shrugged with a sigh when Marigold nodded in confirmation. "Well, there you have it. Without the immunity the Pirate Empress's position offers, chances are that the World Nobles would get the Marines to rip the entire island apart so that they could split the…" She shivered in disgust. "Spoils between themselves. And last time I checked, we don't have the manpower or resources to prevent that."
"Not yet we don't, anyway…" Cross practically snarled.
Another pause as that sunk in. Then Marigold spoke once more.
"I will consent to at least attending the meeting, so that my sisters and I can have a bead on the situation. But I make no promises beyond that," she said firmly.
"I don't ask for any beyond one," Cross assured her. "Keep everything you hear at the meeting a secret. You can tell your sisters and Elder Nyon if they want to know, obviously, but nobody else. If this gets out, heads won't roll because there won't be any heads left."
The warrior nodded firmly. "I expected nothing less."
"Right then. Well, I think that covers everything I needed to…" Cross trailed off as a thought apparently occurred to him, before a smile slowly slid across his face. "Actually, one more recommendation, Marigold, which I'd pass it on to Hancock when you have the time: try out the floating restaurant called Takoyaki 8. Consider it as much a recommendation from me… as it is from her fellow Warlord, the Knight of the Sea Jinbe."
Marigold's eyes widened, and a tentative smile spread across her face as well. "I see. I'll take your recommendation under consideration, Jeremiah Cross. Good luck to you and yours."
"Same to you, Boa Marigold. See ya 'round, Barty! KA-LICK!"
Once the snail fell back asleep, the good cheer hung around for a second before the atmosphere plummeted into uncomfortable silence.
"Sooo…" Bartolomeo coughed as he side-eyed Marigold. "What the heck do we do until that big call he was talkin' about happens?"
There was another silence, until Apis held up a deck of cards.
"Anybody up for a game of strip poker?" she beamed innocently. Then she paused in confusion as everyone stared at her in utter shock, looking at Miss Goldenweek in askance. "Did I do that wrong? I said it how you told me to."
"Nope," Miss Goldenweek smirked ever so slightly as she bit into a rice cracker. "You did that exactly right."
-o-
And all of that brought me to the present, the afternoon on the second day following Enies Lobby, where everything seemed to be going fine, with everyone sans Zoro, Vivi, Robin and the Dugongs trickling back into the backup headquarters and nothing outside of the crew's normal circumstances going on. Heck, even I was finding the time to relax.
And then in walked Kokoro and her family, with Yokozuna moving to the window after trying to force his way in through the door.
Yeah… as it turned out, the day was only getting started.
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Chapter 43 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 1 - Part 2
Xomniac
Clockwork Purveyor of Prose and Originality
"Well! It's great to see you all back on your feet again! Honestly now, sleeping for a full day? You had us all worried there! Buuut then again, I guess that after what you all went through, that's only natural!" Kokoro smirked as she caught sight of all the food on a nearby table getting sucked away at a breakneck pace. "It's also good to see that the king to be is back on his feet!"
"Ooooh, I wouldn't quite say that…" I muttered as I turned the page on the book I was reading, keeping an eye on Soundbite's snoring shell all the while.
"Eh?" Kokoro blinked at me in confusion. "The heck do ya mean? He's clearly moving!"
"Take a look at his face, Granny," Lassoo yawned languidly.
"What are ya…" Kokoro slowly trailed off as she processed the clear and present nose-bubble Luffy was snoring out. "…He's asleep?"
"Luffy learned how after Alabasta because he never wanted to miss that many meals after a fight again," Sanji sighed in defeat as he placed yet another platter of food in the rubber-man's reach. "Credit where it's due, at least it's keeping him busy."
"And it's actually aiding in Luffy's recovery as well…" Chopper mused from his own bed, where he was splitting his attention between a number of papers arrayed before him that he was alternating between writing on and poring over. "After all, he's ingesting a good amount of nutrients for his body that his metabolism is putting to good use, all while getting the rest he needs. It's certainly better than merely strapping him down and waiting, which would undoubtedly result in a longer resting period."
Kokoro stared warily at Chopper before sending me a nervous look, and I responded with a helpless shrug. "He hasn't actually done anything yet other than work, so…"
Chimney, meanwhile, had ambled up to Chopper and was looking at his papers with wide-eyed eagerness. "Whatcha workin' on, Mister Reindeer?"
"I'm—argh, wait a second…" Chopper leaned back from the papers, groaning as he rubbed his eyes. "Four minutes, thirty-six seconds. Marginal, but progress is progress. Anyway, to answer your question…" The human-Zoan waved his hoof over the papers. "Over the course of my fight with Kumadori, I managed to pump him for information on the biofeedback he was utilizing. Now, granted, there are some…" He spun his hoof helplessly as he tried to come up with the words. "Translation errors, due to the excessive usage of metaphors and whatnot used to describe it, but I still managed to get some valuable information, which I transcribed, interpreted, and am now extrapolating upon using my own research."
"Oooooh…" Chimney nodded slowly. "So, why ya doin' it?"
"Because," Chopper grinned eagerly as he leaned forward, a glimmer appearing in his eyes, yes, but this one was entirely natural and healthy. "I think I'm approaching a breakthrough. Using what I have and what's been given to me, I truly believe that I can compose a treatise that extrapolates upon methods through which Zoan-users like myself can deliberately manipulate the… polymorphic… nature of…" The human-reindeer slowly trailed off before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't understand even a word of what I'm talking about, do you?"
"No, no, I do, I do!" Chimney smiled and nodded eagerly. "You're doing mystery research, right?"
THUNK!
"Not another one…" the reindeer moaned as he repeatedly thunked his forehead against his bed's backboard.
Chimney blinked in confusion before hiding her giggle behind her hands. "Mister Reindeer is funny!"
"Yeah, he'sh a real funny guy!" Gonbe snickered in agreement.
Kokoro looked just a tad befuddled at the interplay between the two relative youngsters before sweeping her attention over the rest of the room. "And what about the rest of—gack!" The station mistress flinched back in shock when her gaze alighted upon Nami, who was slumped over on a table and sulking morosely, the air around her dark and gloomy. Literally, on account of the rain cloud that was hanging above her and drizzling its contents all over her. "What's her problem?!"
"Oh, no problem…" she sighed listlessly as she drew circles on the wood with her finger. "I've simply come to the realization that life isn't worth living, that's all. I'm just waiting for the world to… waste away."
"Ah…" Kokoro hesitated, grasping for something to say.
"There, there…" Conis sighed as she leaned over from where she and Usopp were tinkering on the same table, an umbrella over their heads, to rub Nami's back before shooting a grimace at Kokoro. "She's been like this for awhile now."
"Ah, I see…" Kokoro nodded in understanding. "I guess it must just be sinking in how big her bounty's gonna be, huh?"
Nami let out a pitiful moan at that.
"Nooot quite," Usopp muttered, not looking up from the shotgun he was scrutinizing.
"Eh?"
"See, to be more specific?" Su smirked as she peaked over Conis' shoulder. "She's been like this ever since Sodom and Gomorrah took Franky out for St. Poplar."
Nami moaned again, even louder.
Kokoro was silent for a bit before a massive sweatdrop hung from her head. "Waaaait a second… are you telling me she's like this because—!?"
"He took my mone-e-eeeey…" our navigator wept miserably. "Sooo much mone-e-eeeey…"
Kokoro stared at her for a moment longer before breaking out cackling. "Nagagagaga! I've lived on the Grand Line my entire life, and you guys still manage to surprise me, every hour on the hour! Forget warning you guys about the Florian Triangle, somebody should warn the Triangle about you!"
"Personally, I'd still like to hear whatever warnings you can offer, Granny Kokoro."
"Welcawm back, Vivi!" Carue waved from his bed.
"Oh, hey!" I glanced up over my book as I heard the door open. "Did the shipping go—woah!" I reeled back in shock at what I saw.
As expected, Vivi and Robin had just returned, safe and sound, and as I'd suspected, Robin was bearing the brunt of the load, both on a variety of arms and by literally having the rest walk along behind her. That was all perfectly normal.
What wasn't expected, however, was the sight of Robin using one of her arms to hold what appeared to be a cut of raw salmon over her eye.
"The heck's with you?" I queried incredulously. "Did fish become the new black when I wasn't looking?"
"I'll alert MILAN…" Soundbite muttered in his sleep.
"No, fashion hasn't become quite that eccentric yet," Robin chuckled sardonically before drawing the fish away, revealing a very impressive black eye. "It's just that salmon serves as an acceptable substitute when a rib-eye isn't immediately available."
"Robin-chwan!" Sanji cried in horror, sprinting over and hastily relieving her of her burdens. "What happened!? Who did this to you!? I'LL FRY THEM INTO BRISKET!" He capped the rant off by all but bursting into flames.
"Ooooh, I wouldn't worry about that," Vivi huffed darkly as she crossed her arms and glared at our archaeologist. "Honestly? I'd say that she deserved it!"
"Eh?" Sanji stared at the princess in shock. "What makes you say that, milady?"
"Her personal point of view, if I had to guess," Robin chuckled, sounding more amused than anything.
There was a moment of silence as we all processed both that statement and the way Vivi was looking everywhere but at Robin with a distinctly blushing face, and then…
"EEEEEH!?" Sanji reeled in shock, his jaw all but crashing to the ground.
"Oh, my…" Conis gasped demurely.
"Tseeheehee! Woo, you go, girl!" Su cheered. "Princesses gone wild!"
Lassoo cracked his eye open with a snort. "Why the hell's everyone so surprised? We all knew that this was gonna happen sooner or later."
"Maybe so," I conceded with a nod. "But still, this is a bit out of the blue! The heck brought this on?"
Apparently that was too much for Vivi, going by how her eye twitched and she rounded on Robin, stabbing an accusing finger at her. "You want to know why I did it!?" she snarled. "Easy! Somebody thought that it would be hilarious to give me a heart attack by up and ditching me in the middle of a crowded street without warning!"
There was yet another resounding silence before I cast a flat look at Robin. "Seriously?" I deadpanned only semi-incredulously.
Robin chuckled unapologetically as she returned the salmon to her eye. "I decided to try and cultivate my sense of humor. Is that so wrong?"
"I would suggest you start from scratch with a new one," Vivi bit out acridly. "Because this one's rotten." She then turned around made to walk back to her designated bed before freezing as she caught sight of Nami's continued sulking. She stared for a long second before directing a long-suffering look at me. "Dare I even ask?"
"Eh," I grunted, waving my hand side-to-side. "A bit of it is dread over her bounty, but for the most part? Post-partum depression from the loss of her beloved hoard."
"I was fine when it was for Merry's sake…" Nami sobbed miserably. "But now… 500 Million, just gone…"
Vivi stared at her again before pinching her nose with a sigh. "It's well past noon and it's still too early for this shit. Cross, would you—?" She cut herself off with a shake of her head. "Get me a drink, please."
I huffed in aggravation as I shut my book and got up from my bed. "Come on, princess," I berated her as I walked over to the fridge and withdrew a spare bottle of Cola. "You've been with us for months now, you should know how to do this for yourself. Or at least!" I twisted the cap off the bottle as I snapped my finger up. "Get your 'knight in shining armor' to do it for you, seeing as he loves it so much. But me?" I shook my head as I handed the bottle off to her. "I'm not doing it. At least try and learn to be a little independent, you know?"
Vivi smiled beatifically as she accepted the bottle from me. "Thank you, Cross, I'll take your words into consideration."
I nodded in satisfaction. At least, until she actually started drinking, at which point the whole situation and everyone's snickering registered with me. I glanced down at my hand incredulously before returning my wide-eyed look to Vivi. "Son of a bitch!" I barked, which got everyone actually laughing. "Will you stop doing that!? That got old after the third bout of rhyming this morning!"
"What can I say?" Vivi shrugged innocently. "Practice makes perfect!"
"And I can attest to the fact that she's had practice," Robin concurred with a smirk as she indicated her eye. "How else do you think she actually managed to land a hit on me?"
"Freaking Jedi mind trick bullshittery…" I grumbled out as I stomped back to my bed.
"Ah, that's better," Vivi sighed in satisfaction as she set down the bottle, eyeing our despondent navigator. "And now for her…" She sidled up to her and gently laid her hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Nami? I realize that you're really sad, but maybe you could try looking on the bright side of things?"
"What bright side…" Nami mumbled noncommittally.
"Weeell," Vivi drew the word out slowly. "I was personally thinking of our new carrying capacity? After all, besides the fact that the gold is going to our new ship, our new home, it's also going to be a much bigger ship. Meaning that the next time we come across something like that pillar on Skypiea—"
Nami's head immediately spun around to look at me with wide, watery eyes, of the type seen on puppies, cats, and little children trying to get a flamethrower for Christmas. "Will we come across something like that, Cross?" she whispered in awe.
I surreptitiously glanced away as my last request to Wiper shot through my mind. "There is a… decent chance of it?" I hedged in a neutral enough tone.
"Which means," Vivi picked back up. "That when we come into that much gold—!"
"WE'RE GONNA BE LOADED!"
"GAH!" Vivi yelped in panic when she suddenly found herself being pirouetted around the room by an ecstatically exuberant Nami.
"We're gonna be rich rich rich, richer than rich, the richiest of aaaaaall~!" Nami sang as she spun Vivi alongside her, dancing to and fro as she dragged Vivi through an impromptu ballet number.
"Wow, a picture perfect underarm turn," Usopp muttered blandly as we observed the spectacle.
That got a cocked eyebrow from Lassoo. "How the heck would you of all people know what that looks like?"
"Has someone got a ladyfriend waiting for them back home?" Su teased, prompting Usopp to flush and shove himself back into his work.
Meanwhile, Nami finished up with a final chorus of "Siiilver and gold, siiilver and gold, silver and gold gold GOLD!", upon which she finally tossed Vivi out into a final spin before devolving into Beri-eyed non-stop murmuring about being rich.
The princess, for her part, seemed like she had swallowed her weight in booze if the spirals her eyes had become and the way she was staggering around was anything to go by.
"Nooo, Daddy, I don't wanna learn ballet, Kohza would never let me hear the end of it," she slurred.
"But Miss Wednesday, we've already arranged Mr. 2 to teach you," Robin objected, visibly fighting laughter.
"Ugrgrr, tell him he can have Mr. 8, he likes crossdress—hold still."
Credit where it was due, Robin managed to sidestep Vivi's dizzied punch before it could slam into her nose, but the coolness of her act was swiftly ruined by her body locking up mid-motion, causing her to overbalance and faceplant. Aaand that was my breaking point.
"Pffhahahahaha!" I plopped back on my bed as I clutched my gut from laughing. "Ohohoh man! I just don't see how this day could get any better! Pfhahah—!"
"Ah, 'scuse me…" Yokozuna waved his arm through the window in an effort to get our attention. "I just have a question I would like to ask. I thought Merry was supposed to be staying with you, yes? Is she not in there with you?"
"—hahah—erk!" I choked myself off as I realized just what was coming.
SLAM!
"WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY!"
"Uh-oh," muttered most everyone in the room as a very familiar and very angry girl-ship limped into the room on her crutches, a storm of furious emotions swirling around her petite form.
That served to shake Vivi out of the rest of her dizziness, and she shot a concerned look Merry's way. "Wha—!? Merry, what's wrong!?"
The question caused Merry to freeze in her tracks. "What's… wrong?" she whispered slowly.
Once again, most of us flinched at the reaction.
"Heyah we go again…" Carue groaned miserably as he tensed in anticipation.
"What's wrong!? What's WRONG?!" the transmogrified caravel howled as she rounded on Vivi and flailed one of her crutches in her face. "EVERYTHING IS WRONG! I'm a rock in water, a cripple on land, and useless all around! I ate that fruit so that I wouldn't die, but instead all I've managed to do is land myself in my own personal hell!"
Vivi blinked in shock, too taken aback to react properly. "Ah—?"
Not even waiting for an answer, Merry swung her crutch out as she continued ranting. "What's the point of me being able to stay with you all if I can't even do anything? I wanted to go with you all on adventures, not lag behind and end up having to be protected from whatever happens! This isn't life! This isn't living! Why me, why me, why meee…" Merry trailed off into incoherent muttering and ranting as she started pacing back and forth in place.
Robin took the opportunity to get back to her feet and slide up close to me. "Care to explain?" she muttered.
"We managed to get Merry walking properly a few hours ago," Sanji leaned over and whispered back. "But right around then, I think the true weight of her transition finally hit her."
"Personally, I'm sure she'd be able to handle it relatively fine under normal circumstances," I hissed. "But if I had to guess, I'd say that the emotional instability of her prepubescent body isn't meshing well with the stress. Simply put, her stress and emotions have been periodically bursting out into wild tantrums like this one!"
"I see…" Robin mused as she tracked Merry as she shuffled about. "So, she rants and rages for a bit and then she calms down?"
I winced and shook my head grimly. "Noooot quite. See, during these episodes? Merry's been cycling through a little psychological phenomenon you might be familiar with known as the Five Stages of Grief. First there's Denial—"
"This can't be happening to me," Merry muttered fervently as she paced back and forth in place. "This isn't happening, not to me, not to me! I'm a good ship, I'm a good person, I refuse to believe it, I-I refuse!"
"Second is Anger."
"This is fucking bullshit! RAAAAGH!" Merry suddenly howled in outrage. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, DAMN IT ALL! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING LIVE! IS THAT SERIOUSLY SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR!?"
"Third is Bargaining."
"Ple-e-ease!" Merry flopped herself onto the nearest bed and started weeping almost comical streams of tears. "I'll do anything you want! I swear, I'll feed the homeless, I'll be nice to kids, I'll clean up my act wholesale, just fi-i-ix meeeee!"
"Fourth is Depression."
"WAAAAAAAAAH!"
"And finally, Accept—GRK!" I was cut off by a pair of hands suddenly grabbing my collar and yanking me down so that I was face-to-face with a thoroughly incensed tyke.
"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU RAGING BASTARD!" she spat murderously. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
"Though sometimes," Su snickered from behind her paw. "She also cycles right back around to anger!"
"Get! Her! Off!" I gagged fearfully.
"R-Right!" Conis yelped frantically, hastily darting forward and grabbing Merry off of me. "Merry, I'm so sorry about how things are right now, but please calm down! You're—!"
"CALM THIS!" THWACK!
"—GUGH!" Conis wheezed as a flailing heel swung into her gut and knocked the wind out of her, only just managing to keep her hold on the girl-ship. "Owowow… could someone help me please!?"
"Hm…" Chopper hummed thoughtfully without looking up from his work. "A sharp decrease in oxygen intake could serve to stabilize her mood."
Conis snapped her gaze up to Chopper with an offended gasp. "I am not putting Merry in a chokehold—GYEEP!" She stiffened abruptly when the caravel suddenly sank her teeth into her forearm and started gnawing. "…No matter how tempted I might be," she finished through gritted teeth.
Chopper slowly looked over the paper he was holding in order to grace the angel with a flat look. "Or you could simply make use of a paper bag," he droned.
The gunner had the good graces to blush in embarrassment. "Ah…"
"Here, allow me," Robin offered as she crossed her arms.
A secondary pair of arms grew from Conis' shoulders and made to grab at Merry's head, prompting Merry to snap her jaws at them, only for a tertiary pair that had hidden themselves behind Conis' back to whip out and cover Merry's mouth with a paper bag before she could react.
Merry kept struggling and fighting in the grip of our angel for a bit, but eventually her flailing subsided as the rate at which the bag was inflating and constricting slowed down. Once she stilled herself, Robin removed the bag, and Conis relaxed her grip as she looked down at her.
"Better?" she asked.
"Hah… hoo… yeah… I-I'm good, I'm good," Merry nodded wearily, prompting Conis to smile and drop her to the floor. "Sorry about doing that… again." She hung her head apologetically as she scratched the back of her skull. "I'm still shaken up is all, not thinking straight. But, ah… I-I think I'm fine now, really! I'm pretty sure I got most of it out of me, and I don't think it should happen again!"
Merry then adopted an eager grin as she started limping towards the door as fast as her crutches could carry her. "I'm just gonna go and take a dip to cool off and—!"
"NO!" we all roared as one, Usopp even going so far as to Shave behind her, grab her hood and dig his heels into the woodwork.
"But—!" she started to protest.
"NO!"
"Dumbass!" Su concurred laughing.
Robin cocked an eyebrow at the display before slowly leaning towards me. "Just how many times has she—?"
"Five…" I ground out. "In the past three hours."
"I just wanna swiiiim…" Merry wept childishly.
"Ah… actually, now that I think about it…" Usopp mused as he scratched his chin thoughtfully, then reached into his bag. "I might have an idea."
"REALLY!?" Merry squealed ecstatically, stars shining in her eyes.
"Wait for it…" Nami muttered under her breath.
"You can swim—"
"THANK YOU, USOPP! I LOVE YOU I LOVE Y—"
Usopp removed an inflatable ring with a very familiar sheep's head bobbing on the front. "As long as you wear this."
Merry froze so fast that I swear I heard the air shatter around us.
Unfortunately for him, however, our sniper didn't notice Merry's reaction and instead smiled eagerly. "Well, what do you think? Did I get the face right?"
"And in three, two, one…" I counted down beneath my breath.
"What do I think!?"
THWACK!
"YEOW!"
"Lift off, we have lift off."
"I THINK I WOULDN'T USE THAT THING IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!" Merry snapped, chasing Usopp around the room as she wailed on him with her crutches.
"And the humor is back," I snickered amidst everyone either laughing quietly or all-out howling with laughter.
And so the routine went on…
"FWEEEET!"
"GAH!"
"YEOW!"
"SONNUVA BITCH!"
Until a shrill-as-all-hell ear-piercing whistle caused us all to flinch and whip our hands to our ears. Except for Luffy, of course, who kept eating obliviously on without missing a beat.
"What the hell—?!" Lassoo bit out painfully as he rubbed his ears.
"Glad to see you're all having fun…"
"Eh?" I blinked in surprise before turning my attention to my bed table, where a familiar pair of eyestalks had poked out of their shell. "Oh, hey, Soundbite."
"HEY YOURSELF," he scowled as he slid from his shell and swept his eyestalks over us. "Sorry to break up the mood, I love seeing LONGNOSE GET HIS ASS BEAT AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY—!"
"Chug a salt shaker!" Usopp cursed acridly as he hopped around on his less injured foot.
"—BUT UNFORTUNATELY, FUN TIME IS OVER." Soundbite snapped his gaze to a wall. "Look alive, boys and girls; we've got company, and they're flying gull, white and blue."
Suffice to say that the mood died after that little proclamation, and was instead swiftly replaced by the occupants of the room scrambling for their weapons and/or to get into battle positions with a combination of panic and desperation.
"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I shouted.
All movement froze, and I took the opportunity to snatch up Soundbite and hold him in my palm. "Is there a guy with kukri knives near the front?"
Soundbite's expression fell flat. "I'M GOOD, not psychic, DINGUS."
I winced as I realized that he had a point. "Fair enough, let's try that again. Is there a guy near the front who seems outwardly calm, inwardly excited?"
"NOW THAT is feasible. Uno momento, por favor." He concentrated for only a second before blinking in surprise. "Uh… huh, yeah, he… is? WAIT, WHY DOES HE SOUND—?"
"Good," I nodded firmly, pacing over to the table where I'd left my effects. "I know just what to do about this, then."
Everyone watched in anticipation as I donned my greaves and arranged my gauntlets on top of the table, as well as my transceiver… and then I grinned eagerly as I withdrew my transceiver's mic and started counting down in my head. "Time for another broadcast!"
WHAM!
The group face-fault was very satisfying.
"Crooooooss…" Sanji ground out slowly as he started to climb to his feet, the air starting to shimmer from sheer heat around him.
"Are you already going back on your promise?" Usopp demanded.
"Hey, what can I say?" I shrugged casually, even as I approached what I judged to be a good distance from the wall Soundbite had indicated. "I consider this to fall in the 'harmless' category, especially when you take into account that not only is there no malice in this little incursion, but I've got the perfect shield up and ready in case he decides to get impolite!"
"Huh?" Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean by—?"
"Hell-oooo people of the world!" I cut Vivi off once my countdown hit zero and I approximated that I had enough viewers. "It's been far too long and I'm ever so glad to be back on the air after recovering from the freaking hellish ordeal my friends and I just went through! I'm Jeremiah Cross, and with me as always is my partner in crime—"
"THAT WOULD BE ME, SOUNDBITE!"
"Here to bring you another marvelous edition of—"
"The SBS, starting now!" Lassoo woofed, his tongue lolling out as he panted eagerly. "I think I see why Soundbite does that now! That shtick is fun!"
I cast a glare at the mutt that was more amused than annoyed. "And for once, ladies and gentlemen, I have no time to be angry at being interrupted—"
"SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!"
"—because today we have a special guest joining us here on the SBS!" I spun my arms before pointing both fingers at the appropriate wall. "All the way from Marine Headquarters, he uses mountains as sandbags, he almost had us at Enies, and he's the bane of pirates everywhere!"
Vivi paled in horror as the Beri dropped for her. "Oh, dear sweet Anubis, no," she breathed in horror.
"Don't tell me…" Sanji whimpered at almost the same time as his cigarette dropped from his mouth.
"He's also renowned as the rival of the King, the blunter of the Don, and the second of the Buddha!" I continued emphatically.
Everyone else swiftly paled as well as they realized who I was describing, and they fearfully backed away from the wall as a result.
Robin in particular was having a unique reaction, apparently caught between bowel-dropping terror, fond exasperation, and more than a little bit of amusement. "Honestly," she chuckled even as she kept a white-knuckled grip on her hat. "I just don't know what I was expecting."
"Pirates and Marines the world over," I wound up for the grand finale, keeping a close eye on Soundbite for the appropriate timing cues. "Please put your hands together foooor…"
SMASH!
I shut my eye in an instinctual flinch as the wall imploded, showering us all with dust and debris, before stabbing my finger at the figure visible through the dust. "Gaaaaaarp the Heroooooooooh what the fuck are you wearing!?" I hastily swapped my words around as I actually managed to catch sight of Garp and, to reiterate, what the fuck he was wearing.
To clarify, 'what the fuck he was wearing' consisted of the following items: a Hawaiian floral-print shirt, decorated with palm trees, waves, and bikini-clad tiki dancers. Solid blue board shorts that I was thanking my lucky stars was not a speedo. A battered straw hat that looked like it had been sitting in a closet under a pile of other crap for twenty years. The tackiest pair of black aviator sunglasses I had ever seen. Straw fucking sandals! And to slap a bow on the whole thing, he even had a stripe of white sunblock on his nose right above his shit-eating grin!
Speaking as a native Floridian, I could say with complete and utter certainty that Vice-Admiral Monkey D. Garp looked like the absolute tackiest, most stereotypical beach tourist I had ever seen in my life.
And just to rub it in, he was not a unique case. Behind Garp, just barely visible through the settling dust, I could see a distinctly uncomfortable Coby and Helmeppo dressed in almost exactly the same style, the 'almost' coming from Helmeppo keeping his… actually admittedly cool shades. And then of course behind them was an entire battalion of Marines in variations on the exact same outfit, still in tight parade formation with their rifles on their shoulders!
Hell, even Garp's second in command, ah… damn it, what was his name… bah, you know, the cool-looking motherfucker with the fedora? Even he was midway to the look, because while he was still wearing his officer's jacket and fedora, beneath it he also had on a floral-print shirt and the fedora he was wearing was made out of straw!
Now, honestly, shocking as this all was, I'd like to think I could have handled it all in stride… until Garp raised a coconut shell with a straw and a slice of lime sticking out of it to his mouth, nay, his smirk, so that he could take a sip, at which point I decided that I'd had enough.
"Vice Admiral Garp…" I started slowly as I tried to kickstart my brain back into gear. "Why in the name of hell-if-I-know are you dressed like you're on oh shitbiscuits you're on vacation, aren't you?" I finished in a rush as realization hit me like the Puffing Tom.
Robin blinked in confusion at my statement before shaking her head in exasperation. "Cross, I know that your guesses are usually accurate to an almost uncanny degree, but even by your standards that is just—!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Garp cut her off when he threw his head back and roared with laughter. "Yup, Jonny-boy definitely has the right of it: for every bit that you're stupid insane, you're also stupid smart, Cross!" He puffed his chest out as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Of course I'm on vacation! Because if I weren't, how else would I be able to visit my adorable grandson while you're around without the rest of the World Government getting on my ass for not doing my job, hm?"
I blinked in surprise as I followed that logic before nodding in acknowledgement. "That's… actually pretty damn smart. The get-up is way tacky, but fair enough."
"BWAHAHA!" Garp jutted his chin out with a bark. "High praise, coming from you!"
Robin's eyes twitched as she slowly looked between the two of us before taking off her hat. "One moment, please."
THWACK!
She then shoved her hat back on as the arm that had dope-slapped her dissolved. "Carry on."
Her reaction wasn't the only incredulous one amongst the crew.
"…I don't know what I was expecting… but this is decidedly not it," Vivi managed through her dropped jaw.
"Ditto…" Carue quacked numbly.
"How exactly is anyone supposed to react to something like this?" Chopper asked with honest curiosity.
"Personally, I'm wondering about what we should be more concerned about: him being here, that there's a Marine as crazy as him, or Cross not expecting this?" Su swallowed fearfully. "We're in uncharted waters now…"
Conis started to nod in agreement before freezing as she realized something. "Wait… did he just say that he's here… to visit his grandson?"
That brought the rest of my crewmates up short, several of them repeating the word in shock. "'Grandson'!?"
Soundbite's eyes shot wide as he was struck dead-on by realization. "OOOH…"
Garp's grin widened as he slowly stepped into the room. "Yup, that's exactly right. My grandson is on your crew, and I'm here to pay him a long-overdue visit. And now that I'm here, it's time for said grandson…" Garp's grin widened as he drew his fist back.
SMASH!
"OOOOW!"
"TO STOP STUFFING HIS FACE AND WAKE THE HELL UP!"
And delivered an absolutely devastating haymaker to Luffy, punching him clean through the table and causing our newly awakened captain to roll on the floor in agony.
"OWOWOWOOOOOW!" Luffy cried as he clutched his forehead. "IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HUUURTS!"
"HeeheeheehoohoohooHAHAHA! I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!" Soundbite cackled eagerly.
"I know, right?" I muttered with a shudder. Reading about it was one thing, but actually seeing the legitimately strongest person I knew get taken down with a single punch?
I hid my grin behind my gauntlet. This… This was going to be so much fun.
As usual, my crewmates didn't quite agree with my sentiments.
"AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL!?" Usopp shrieked in terror. "T-T-THAT ACTUALLY HURT LUFFY!?"
"But I thought that Luffy was supposed to be immune to blunt force trauma!" Nami cursed as she gripped her staff, her Eisen Tempo curling defensively around her.
"I know!" Chopper squealed in a dementedly eager tone. "Isn't it iiiinteres—!"
THWACK!
"OW!… thanks Conis."
"You're welcome, though…" Conis swallowed heavily as she gripped the rifle she was clutching. "I wonder if I shouldn't have let you stay that way."
"Could it be—?" Vivi whipped her hand to her mouth with a gasp of realization.
Noticing Garp starting to puff himself up, I hastily snapped my fingers and pointed at him. "And your next line is," I grinned eagerly as I reconfirmed exactly what I'd read so long ago. "'There's no defense against a Fist of Love.'"
"There's no defense against a Fist of Love," Garp unintentionally echoed before he actually processed what I'd said. Then he blinked and glanced at me as I crossed my arms behind my head, a grin stretching my face.
"Oooohh, I've been hurting for an opportunity to pull that bit off for so long," I sighed blissfully.
"You only wish you could be AS GOOD AS JOSEPH!" Soundbite chortled. "BUT THAT WAS A GOOD TRY NONETHELESS!"
"Tsk," Garp raised his arms in a shrug as he shook his head in defeat. "Said it before, I'll say it again: crazy little—!"
"GYAAAAGH!" Garp was cut off by Luffy screaming in terror as he actually caught sight of him and started pointing a shaking finger at the object of his fear. "G-G-G-G—!"
The Vice Admiral was swift to regain his composure as he responded with a smirk, taking hold of his shades and drawing himself up to his full height. "Awww, what's wrong, Luffy?" he asked as he thumbed his glasses onto his forehead, allowing him to smile at Luffy in full. "Didn't you miss your beloved old Grandpa?"
"GRANDPA!?" everyone else squawked in shock.
For my part, I chose to hide an ear-to-ear grin behind my fist. "If I had to guess, I'd say he'd hoped you'd fossilized by now," I muttered under my breath.
"Cocky little shit say what?"
I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"
THWACK!
I came to about two minutes later, when someone grabbed the back of my collar and yanked me out of the… floorboards? Yes, it appears I'd been punched through the floorboards. Well shit.
"Hold still," muttered a voice that I recognized as Chopper's, and I registered a hoof reaching towards my face.
"Eh? What are you—?"
My question was rudely interrupted by our doctor grabbing something in front of my face and yankingohsonofa—!
"—FUCK!" I howled, jerking up as I clutched my face. "What the blue blazes was that for?!"
"Splinter," Chopper deadpanned as he held up a solid inch of wood. I stiffened in shock as I processed what I was seeing, and I gingerly raised my finger to poke at a small puncture wound six millimeters from my left eye.
"Meep."
"Wow, he really is fragile," I heard Garp mutter.
My eye twitched slightly at the comment before I shook my head with a groan and pushed myself into a sitting position. "Ugh… how much did I miss?"
"Oh, nothing much," Robin hummed as she slid up next to me and plopped my hat back on my head. "He hit Luffy a few more times, bemoaned him not being a Marine, explained the balance of the Three Great Powers, the Four Emperors, elaborated that Luffy's hat came from Red-Haired Shanks…" She cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "Any particular reason why you elected to not share that tidbit?"
"Too much fun, never came up, he was going to tell you anyways. Pick a number and toss a die," I groused sourly as I poked at the lump growing from my skull. Christ on a pikestaff, that bastard hit like a freight train! Probably literally! "Eurgh… well at least I didn't miss any of the fun parts. But… if that's all he's said, then… shouldn't Zoro be back by now?"
Of course, that was precisely when the sounds of an all-out brawl erupted from the back of the horde of Marines Garp had brought with him.
"Damn," Soundbite whistled in awe. "Even concussed, YOU'VE GOT THAT down to a science!"
"Mad skills, brah," I deadpanned as I flashed a shaka symbol. In all honesty, I was more focused on observing the two quote-unquote 'rookies' Garp had brought with him. I really wanted to see what these two were capable of.
"Hm? Ah, right, your swordsman. Your… first mate, isn't he?" Garp grinned as he looked over his shoulder at this men getting plowed down. "Good timing, I was just looking for somebody I could use as a test. Hey, you two."
The Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer snapped to attention. "Sir!"
"Chances are you're gonna lose and badly, but even so…" He flashed them a winning smile as he popped a thumbs-up. "At least try and last two seconds, alright? One second each!"
And that caused the Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer to slump in despair. "Yes, sir…"
Still, credit where it was due, in spite of their reluctance the pair didn't even hesitate to face Zoro when he became visible in the crowd and charge him as one.
CR-CR-CR-CRACK!
However, for all that their valor was well and good, they only made it about halfway when they were forced to come to a screeching halt as a rain of bullets broke up the ground a few inches in front of them.
Before they could react further, Coby's hand shot up, snatching the handle of a kunai with the point two inches from his forehead and then seamlessly flowing into a series of blocks that deflected the rest. Helmeppo, meanwhile, had drawn his kukri and was using them to only just hold off what appeared to be a buzzsaw the size of his torso with a red cable leading out of it and off to somewhere that was grinding into his blades with abandon.
Zoro stopped as well, observing the clash for a moment before glaring to the side. "Care to explain why you're stealing my fight?"
"You seem to be forgetting, first mate."
Boss blinked into visibility in front of Zoro as he came out of his Sha—Rip Current, and moments later three of his four students appeared out of nowhere to flank him as well; Mikey spun his pistols as he reloaded them, Donny held a trio of kunai between the 'fingers' of one flipper while the other held his staff across his shoulders, and Raphey jerked back on the end of the red cable she was holding, withdrawing the disc of death that was assaulting Helmeppo and catching it, revealing it to be a massive shuriken almost as large as her that she sheathed on her back.
"Our position on this crew," Boss snorted as he tapped off the ashes on the end of his cigarette. "Is as the ship's guards. End of the day, we are the very bottom of the pecking order. If the enemy can't get past us? Then they're just not worth your trouble."
Coby and Helmeppo glanced at one another with uncertainty for a moment, but they swiftly fell into battle-ready positions…
"Please, try it."
Before stiffening as Leo poked his swords into the smalls of their backs.
"No, really, I'm serious," Leo goaded them eagerly. "I am honestly curious about how you two actually think you can beat us, and I've been itching for a nice and curbstompy fight for a while now. So, if you could do me a favor and give me a reason to kick your asses? I would be most appreciative."
The Chief Petty Officers visibly hesitated…
"BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Before snapping their heads around to look back at their teacher as he started laughing.
"HAHAHA… eheh… heh…" Garp trailed off into chuckles as he wiped his eyes. "Ahhhh… good stuff, that. Yeah, sorry you two, but if you actually value your hides, you had better not fight."
"V-Vice Admiral?!" they asked incredulously.
"Yeah, I'm with them; mind running that by us again?" Mikey asked with a cock of his head. "You mean to tell us that you're actually smart enough to know when to fold them?"
Garp grinned darkly in response. "Not like I actually have much choice, you know? These brats are good and all, sure…" his grin widened as he directed his gaze at Boss. "But they haven't been around nearly long enough to have a hope of taking on the second generation of apprentices to come from the strongest Dugong in the New World, much less the sole member of the first generation himself."
A single second of silence followed those words before Boss's cigar snapped between his 'fingers', though going by the way he was blankly staring at Garp, I don't think he honestly even noticed.
"You… know my master?" Boss finally managed to breathe.
"BWAHAHA!" Garp barked as he scratched his finger beneath his nose. "Know him? I take a day off to have a scrap with him at least three times a year, and each time is as good as the last! Though, eh…" he glanced away with a scowl. "The fact that the damn bastard doesn't tend to hang around in any one place for that long makes tracking him down time and time again a damn nightmare."
Boss blinked slowly at the statement before slowly turning to look towards the horizon. "…knew the old bastard was still alive. I damn well knew it…" he muttered quietly.
"Ah… hang on, Boss' master?" Usopp asked in interest. "Who are we talking about here?"
"Sifu Dugong," Raphey breathed in awe. "We'll tell you the details later, but for now, suffice to say he's the strongest dugong in our species' history!"
"Last rumor I heard?" Mikey piped up. "He can kill a Sea King with one punch!"
"Now that's a bold-faced lie!" Garp sniffed indignantly… before popping up a trio of fingers. "Last time I saw that old bag of bones, he was strong enough to take down three Sea Kings at once, easy. If you're going to spread rumors, at least make sure they're accurate."
There was a resounding silence in response to that proclamation, during which Coby and Helmeppo exchanged a frantic look, following which…
"PLEASE SPARE MY WORTHLESS LIFE!"
"Hahaha! Wow, Luffy! It looks like you've really gathered an incredible crew!"
One of them collapsed to their knees begging for their life, while the other scratched behind his head as he laughed happily.
Three guesses on who did and said what.
"Huh? Why're you talking about me like you know me? Although… you do look sort of familiar…" Luffy frowned and bowed his head in what I had no doubt was intense thought. And then, to the utter shock of all, he snapped his head up with a gasp as he pounded his fist in his palm. "Wait, now I remember who you are!"
"Eh?" I blinked in shock before leaning forwards in curiosity, more than a few of the onlookers joining me. Was… Was this really happening? Had our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, one of the densest people in existence, actually managed to grow a brain!?
The rubber-man in question pointed at the eager pink-haired Marine with a triumphant grin. "You're Natsu Dragneel."
WHAM!
Yeeeaaah, no.
Of course, Garp, Coby, and Helmeppo all face-faulted, as would be the natural reaction. But me? I actually felt my skull bleeding from how hard I hit my head, and going by the sound of grinding enamel coming from my shoulder I wasn't alone.
However, I only maintained that position for a moment before unholy RAGE flooded my mind and I forced myself to my feet so that Soundbite and I could vent our frustration. A process I started off by bringing my fist down on my Captain's head as hard as I could.
Of course, once he started twitching and trying to pull his head out of the floorboards, indicating that he was still alive (which was fortunate and unfortunate in equal measure) we decided to vent vocally rather than physically.
"RIGHT Genre, WRONG UNIVERSE, MORON!" Soundbite howled viciously.
"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR STUPIDITY LITERALLY TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE?!" I roared with all that my lungs were capable of.
"Uh, heh, I wouldn't be too surprised if it did," Coby chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he righted himself and crouched before my struggling captain. "But, ah, still… Luffy, it's me, Coby. You know, from the East Blue?"
"EH!?" Luffy barked as he wrenched his head from the floor with a single jerk, blinking at the Marine in question in awe. "Wimpy Coby!? No way! The last time I saw Coby, he was—!"
I tuned out the conversation as I turned on my heel and walked back into the house, massaging my flaming temples as I tried to calm myself down. Honestly, most of the time Luffy's stupidity was hilarious, really, it was, but that!? There are limits, damn it all! Standards!
I was drawn from my blackened thoughts by a slight tugging on my pants leg, a glance downwards revealing it to be none other than Raphey smirking up at me.
"Idiocy isn't quite so funny when it's concentrated like that, is it now?" she taunted.
I ground my teeth as I reigned in my temper before finally snorting out a heavy breath. "No," I growled. "No, it is not. Usually, it's funny. Breaking the laws of reality? That's something else entirely. In small doses it's fine, but concentrated like that…" I cast a meaningful glance to the side. "How do you deal with it?"
Raphey followed my gaze and promptly adopted a grimace. "Well, I'll admit it's not easy…"
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO LOOKING AT ME WHEN YOU SAY THAT?!" Mikey cried indignantly. "I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS HIM, NUH-UH, NO WAY IN HELL, THAT'S JUST NOT—!"
CRACK!
"—owie…" he whimpered into the wall his face had been buried in.
"But as you can see," Raphey chuckled as she blew the smoke off her flipper. "I handle it pretty handily, thank you very much."
I contemplated that for a moment before electing to shift the discussion with as subtle a cough as I could manage. "So! A… what, 'fuuma' shuriken, I think it was, and kunai, huh? I guess you've all got long range covered now."
"Meh, more like mid-ranged, but I'm not complaining," Raphey grinned as she unslung her wheel of death and started spinning it around a flipper as though it couldn't decapitate someone with ease. "This beast's a monster to handle, but the training I've had with Vivi gives me a good idea on how to work chain weaponry. Anybody tries anything up close, they get the sai, and if they try anything from far off?" She halted her spinning and jabbed one of the shuriken's blades dead ahead with a smirk. "They get this baby!"
"Unfortunately, not all of us are being as lucky…" Donny groused as he examined his staff. "I've found the kunai knife to be an agreeable weapon, true, but as it is I'm carrying them all around in my shell, and that's neither comfortable nor practical." He glanced up at me with a cocked eyebrow. "I only hope my memory is good enough that I can replicate whatever mechanism that Foxy Pirate used in her baton."
I pegged on to what he was implying easily enough and flashed him an 'a-ok' sign. "I'm sure that you'll figure it out with time, don't worry."
"Hmph. Infidels."
"Eh?" I blinked at Leo in surprise, shocked to see him leaning against the wall with a scowl. "The heck are you talking about?"
"You heard me, didn't you?" Leo glared at me defiantly. "Come on. In case you haven't noticed, we're known as Kung-Fu dugongs. Martial arts, armed or un-armed, is our specialty! We beat our enemies up close and personal, not from a distance like a dirty coward! There is no honor, no glory in—!"
"Eh, don't pay him any mind," Mikey scoffed casually as he dug a 'finger' in the approximate location of his ear. "He's just salty because he hasn't figured out how to use those cool flying slashes Zoro uses yet, and he can't channel Typhoon Lash down them either, which he hasn't figured out yet, for that matter."
"NEITHER HAVE YOU AND NOT FOR A LACK OF TRYING, EITHER!" the katana-wielder exploded furiously. "AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMN IT! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PUT INTO MY SWORDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZORO OR BOSS PUSHES ME, I CAN'T… make… them…"
He suddenly trailed off, slowly looking over his shoulder at his own swords, then at Zoro's, and then up at me. "Cross… is it even possible to accomplish the flying slash with normal swords, or do they have to be Legendary Swords, like Zoro's trio?"
I opened my mouth to respond, then frowned as I ran over the swordsmen that I knew had used flying slashes. "Come to think of it, I… don't think I've ever heard of any normal blades sending flying slashes without Devil Fruit enhancements? Though…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure that a world-class swordsman like Mihawk or someone could, but…"
Leo set his jaw tightly as he reached up to grip one of his katana's hilts. "In that case… there's just nothing for it, is there? These two have served me faithfully over the years, but if I'm going to hone my style any further…" He shook his head in defeat. "I officially need an upgrade."
I winced sympathetically at the poor dugong's plight, but before I could say anything on the matter, a familiar finger tapping me on my shoulder drew my attention away.
"Pardon the interruption, Cross," Robin said politely. "But if you don't mind, would you kindly elaborate on the relationship between Luffy, Zoro and those two?" She nodded her head at where the four in question (three, really, seeing as Helmeppo was sobbing pitifully over being forgotten) were talking. "I can only imagine that the tale surrounding them must be at least marginally fascinating."
I considered the question for a moment before shrugging, though before I said jack I made sure to cover my transceiver's mouthpiece. After all, it wouldn't do to go spreading around that Coby was an ex-pirate, however unwilling.
"Not that much of a story to tell. Coby was an unwilling cabin boy for the Alvida Pirates and Helmeppo was the spoiled brat of a corrupt-to-the-core Marine Captain in the East Blue."
Robin hid a chuckle behind her hand. "And then Luffy arrived and removed the both of them with his fists, I'm guessing?"
I smiled back in turn. "Yeah, that is how must stories involving Luffy usually go, isn't it? Anyway, that was about seven months or so ago, when Luffy first set out. Awhile after that, the two were… let's say 'lucky' enough to catch Garp's attention and he decided to personally train them. And believe you me when I say that for all he's a devil he's also damn effective, because if you'd seen those two as they were then, you'd have a hard time recognizing them."
Nami took a moment to make sure my hand was still covering the mic before quietly asking, "So, if I had to guess, you're planning on—?"
"—eard you met your father in Loguetown."
Nami's question died in a choked gasp at the same time the blood evacuated my face. Damn it all, of all the milestones to forget, I forget this!?
I suffered a minor panic attack as I considered what the fuck to do. I couldn't very well hang up, because if I did then Garp would be left hanging high and dry for why he didn't return to Marineford with us in tow, and for all that he could be a bastard at times I didn't want to see the old man suffer for visiting his grandson! And fat lot of good Gastro-Scramble would do with Soundbite all but guaranteed to flip out as much as everyone else! As for muffling the transceiver, while that was all well and good for quiet conversations, absolutely nothing about what was about to happen was going to be quiet.
…Not remotely quiet. Why the hell didn't I think of that in the first place?
"Fair warning," I muttered absently as I slid my headphones on with one hand and started reaching for a very specific button with the other. "This is going to be loud."
Robin immediately clamped half a dozen hands over her ears, while everyone else blinked at me in confusion before stiffening in utter horror. Some tried to make a move at me…
But too late.
"Your father's name is…"
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
'Pros and cons of the SBS and its host,' the Most Wanted Man in the World idly mused as he dug a finger in his ear. 'Pro: one of the greatest allies to the cause I've ever seen, and an incredibly inspiring individual besides. Con: he's giving me tinnitus.' Dragon weighed the options for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Hmm, a small price to pay."
His reaction was easily the most subdued among the command center, with everyone else laid out flat and groaning as they clutched their ears.
And Cross, of course, was just chuckling.
"I love this thing, so much."
"WE KNOW!" the nerve center of the Revolutionaries roared alongside the majority of the world.
However, not all of the world was content to leave matters at that.
"You little brat…" Garp growled venomously. "Maybe I should show you my own brand of Love again and see if that example manages to beat the stupid out of you, hm?!"
Cross's eyes widened in terror for a moment before he hastily adopted a heavy scowl. "Before you start that little demonstration of yours, may I remind you of the sheer magnitude of what you were about to say? If you'd think about it just a little, just a tiny bit, I think you'd find that it's not a good idea to spill that secret to everyone who's here. Especially since, in case you've forgotten, the SBS is still running. Do you really think that that's something to blab to the whole freaking world?"
There was a brief moment of confusion, on account of the past minute of the SBS having been muffled, and then the crew's doctor, Chopper, posed an innocent question: "Is Luffy's dad really that big a deal?"
While the control room burst into not-so-quiet mutters, the snail snorted and shook its head. "The absolute biggest deal, Chopper. If you thought the Government wanted our heads now, you should see how badly they'll want them if this little tidbit gets out. And not just them, either!"
Dragon had to fight very hard to keep from stiffening at those words, and even then he couldn't keep the shock off his face. 'There's no doubt now, he knows. Not only that, but Garp was about to—!?' Dragon's expression promptly fell flat. 'No, of course he was about to, that comes as no surprise whatsoever. But still…' The original Revolutionary observed the Transponder Snail with restrained wonder. 'How could he possibly know that?'
Meanwhile, the rest of the command room was equally active, if louder.
"Is Luffy's father that important a guy?" Koala asked her old comrade curiously.
Sabo could only reply with a numb shake of his head. "This is the first I've heard of Luffy having a dad at all. Not even he knows who he is!"
The snail had adopted a surprised look for several seconds following Cross' question. Then, he grinned and chuckled. "Bah, I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you know, eh? Especially after everything else you've blabbed about. Hell, it'd be weirder if you didn't! But… heh, yeah, I guess you're right."
Dragon breathed a subtle sigh of relief at those words. For all that he allowed his son his independence, he did actually care for him, and he knew how much harder his journey would be if his heritage ever got out to the public.
As such, he thanked his lucky stars that for once Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp had chosen to actually use his brain.
"After all," Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp forged on with a solemn nod. "It wouldn't be very smart to tell the whole world that Luffy's father is Monkey D. Dragon, the Revolutionary."
The entirety of Baltigo… nay, the whole world froze upon hearing those words.
And while everyone was frozen, Transponder Snails around the world twitched as they gaped in awe. "…And yet, you tell them anyway," Cross ground out in horrified incredulity.
There was a moment of silence before the snails blinked in realization and started chuckling sheepishly. "Ah… yeah, guess I screwed up there, huh? Whoops, my bad."
Within the command post of the Revolutionaries in the secret kingdom of Baltigo, Monkey D. Dragon the Revolutionary and Most Wanted Man in the World slapped a hand to his face with a groan. "God damn it, Dad."
Apparently Cross was of the same opinion, if the way he suddenly set his jaw was anything to go by. "You there, with the hat. Could you do me a favor? Take this and whack him for me, would you? Trust me, his head'll break before it does."
"Well, I'll be glad to test that."
"Eh?" Garp blinked in surprise. "Wait, wha—?"
CLANG!
"YEOOOOW!"
"Well, I'll be, it works. What's it made of?"
"Common materials enhanced to perfection by a GODLIKE ENTI—WAGH!"
"Shut it, you little—GRK! Ah… b-believe me, t-they call Vegapunk all kinds of crazy things out in the East Blue. But for now…" Cross adopted a grim expression. "Before anyone properly freaks out, I have a few words I'd like to share. They are as follows…"
"Well, this should be good," Dragon drawled sardonically.
"Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself stupider than Monkey D. Luffy. How he is still breathing, let alone chemically viable, is a mystery that haunts scientists the world over. His very existence is a divide-by-zero paradox that should have, by all rational thought, destroyed the universe threefold by now. The Great Old Ones have resigned their posts as bringers of insanity, as he has now rendered them redundant. God is dead because he killed himself out of shame for ever having allowed—OWOWOW! Withdrawn, withdrawn! Urgh… whatever. Anyway, I could keep going on and on, but I know that it would never touch upon the true extent of his impossible existence."
In spite of himself, Dragon smirked. That was refreshing to hear.
"Aaaand that's all I wanted to say. Please feel free to react in an appropriate manner and make my foghorn seem like birdsong by comparison."
And so the world proceeded to do just that.
"STRAW HAT IS DRAGON'S SON!?"
Sodom and Gomorrah flinched as the force of their boss's shout caused their trailer to leap out of the water.
"THAT MAN ACTUALLY HAD A SON?!" Kiwi loudly agreed.
"WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN THAT GARP 'THE HERO' IS DRAGON'S FATHER?!" Mozu demanded.
"THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE!" the trio finished as one.
[They're actually surprised by all of this?] Sodom asked his brother.
[Honestly, they seriously should have seen something like this coming,] Gomorrah snorted in agreement.
"Oh, dear, I was afraid of this…" Bentham sighed heavily as he waved a towel over Ivankov's insensate (and massive) face. "As if the knowledge of Straw Hat being Garp's grandson weren't pressing enough, this new development's sent our dear ruler over the edge." He glanced over his shoulder fretfully. "How're those 20ccs of cosmotini coming?"
"Hey, don't rush me!" the current bartender protested. "This is a very delicate and involved—!"
"Ivankov!" Inazuma cried out as she (at the moment) rushed into Newkama Land's central area. "We just found—eh?" She skidded to a halt and blinked at the scene before her in confusion. "What happened here?"
"Oh, a tragedy is what happened, an utter tragedy!" the newest citizen of the okama haven wept dramatically as he spun in place. "Our glorious queen among kings was overwhelmed by the news of Straw Hat being Dragon's son, and he—!"
"Is totally faking it so that he can get at some extra alcohol past his ration because he has complete and utter control over his body's hormones, and as such literally cannot faint," Inazuma finished flatly.
"AHEM!" Ivankov coughed as he shot to his feet and snapped his fist to his mouth. "You, ah, wanted to tell me something, Inazuma?"
"OH, GREAT MIRACLE-WORKER IVANKOV, HOW COULD YOU!?" Bentham sobbed in betrayal.
The scissor-human cocked an eyebrow at the overly dramatic—even by Okama standards—display before grinning at Ivankov. "We were patrolling the floors when we found a guest. I am fairly certain that you will be very interested in them."
Ivankov blinked in surprise before returning the smile. "Oh, really? Do tell."
Meanwhile, back in Baltigo, the reaction that was being had to the announcement was perhaps the most… unique of all.
"WOOHOO!" Koala shrieked joyously as she literally danced around the control center, sweeping up anyone she could grab into a series of erratic spins and twirls. "I'M RICH! RICH RICH RICH RIIIICH!"
Dragon's eye twitched minutely as he watched the extra-species martial artist cavort about, casting a sidelong look at his Chief of Staff. "Dare I even ask?" he deadpanned.
"Ahhh…" Sabo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "She… may or may not have placed one or two bets that may or may not have just paid out a rather substantial amount?"
"I'M GONNA TAKE A VACATION AND BUY A WEEK FROM HEAVEN IN PUCCI!" Koala whooped as she started moonwalking on a table, a bib securely fastened around her neck. "SO! MUCH! LOBSTER!"
"…You're donating half of your winnings to the cause," Dragon finally said.
"Doesn't matter, because I still have enough left~!" Koala sang cheerfully, not even missing a beat as she kept her dance routine going.
That brought the Revolutionary up short. "She really won that much?"
"A… lot of people were curious about you, chief. Sorry," Hack admitted.
Dragon blinked as he processed that before narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "What were those bets on, exactly?"
Koala froze in place.
"I'm-gonna-go-collect-my-winnings-and-pack-bye!"
Before shooting out of the control room in a blur.
Sabo sighed as he observed the smoke trail his partner had left, slapping a hand to his face. "Simply put, she won the trifecta," he mumbled wearily. "That Luffy was your son, that you were Garp's son, and that, ah…" He glanced away with a sheepish blush. "That you're—?"
"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T COUNT!?"
SMASH!
The Revolutionaries jumped in shock when one of the control center's walls suddenly imploded on account of one of their comrades being thrown through it. Said comrade only had a second to recover before he found his collar grabbed and he was dragged face-to-face with a very irate martial artist.
"Get this through your sea-prism-stone-thick skull, you moron!" Koala bit out menacingly. "Sabo is Luffy's brother. Blood can go hang for all I care, that means that Dragon is his dad too, meaning that you damn well lost! Now pay up or I will put you through the floor!"
The Revolutionary was swift to dig out a wad of cash and toss it at Koala, which prompted her to drop him and start thumbing through the bundle with a contented smile.
"Pleasure doing business with you~!" she sang as she turned right back around and walked out the very hole she'd caused.
A heavy silence hung in the room until Sabo coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, look, sir—!"
"Sabo, Koala just collected her rightly-won earnings that resulted from her good luck," Dragon interrupted him in a neutral tone. "Do you wish for her to give you the same treatment?"
"Ah…no, sir?" Sabo shook his head slowly.
"Then let's leave matters at that."
Sabo hesitated for a bare moment before snapping into a salute, a smile barely restrained. "Y-Yes, sir!"
Dragon nodded proudly before readopting his neutral expression and glancing to the side at the now-muttering Transponder Snail.
'But still, all joking aside, this is the final straw. It's time that I arranged a meeting with Cross. A personal meeting.'
The Revolutionary started to turn and walk away…
"Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"
Before he and everyone else in the room froze, Dragon in particular paralyzed by the sudden resurgence of a pounding in his skull that he hadn't felt in years.
'Correction: I'll meet with Cross if he actually survives the day,' he groaned internally.
Everyone in my line of sight was doing their best imitation of a statue, save for the sweat coming down all of their brows. And for good reason, too: the only person not utterly paralyzed with terror was the very cause of that terror himself. Suffice to say that Garp the Hero's expression was quickly darkening, and if the growl that was starting to rumble forth from his throat was anything to go by, that was only the tip of the iceberg.
It should be noted, however, that it was only everyone I could see that was freezing up. Me myself? Weeeell… my adrenaline had just kicked into the biggest high I'd felt since the flight to the White Sea, so naturally I had an ear-to-ear grin on my face. "Pffheeheeheeeeee…" I whispered euphorically.
"OH GOD, I'm attached to a suicidal idiot…" Soundbite whimpered through his stricken smile and tears.
"You knew that going into the Grand Line and don't you dare pretend otherwise," I hissed back.
"What…"
My spine snapped ramrod straight when Garp's voice suddenly shook the air, and I was acutely aware of him turning to loom over me even from halfway across the room. I shivered as he marched up to me and only seemed to grow bigger still. Sweet heck, if the man didn't actually have Haki, then he damn well knew how to fake it!
"The hell," the goliath before me snarled. "DID YOU JUST SAY?"
"Uhh…" I hedged nervously, glancing around as I centered my thoughts. In the process, I just so happened to catch sight of Nami and Robin, who both had their arms crossed and were shaking their heads frantically.
Well, there was really only one thing I could do, seeing that.
"Weeellll…" I slowly drawled as a massive grin spread across my face.
Nami slapped a hand to her face, while Robin whipped out and started writing on a notepad that had the words 'The Death of Jeremiah Cross' scrawled on the top of the first page.
I cocked my eyebrow at that particular development before refocusing my grin at Garp. "To answer your question," I continued in a nonchalant tone, even as enough energy for ten Shaves thrummed within me. "It's simple, really: he's leading a fight against a tyrannical force of oppression that's dominating the entire world, so what else could he be? Honestly, now, you should be proud of him. After all…" I grinned innocently as I crossed my arms behind the back of my head. "He is doing the Marines' rightful job. Riiiight?"
Garp ground his teeth as he slowly and audibly cracked his knuckles. "You have one chance to take that back."
I snorted in response, spreading my arms wide invitingly. "Buddy, in case you've forgotten, I enjoy the rush of adrenaline terror affords me. So, please, feel free to do your damn worst."
"OH GOD I POO'D…" Soundbite wheezed, his eyes blank from fear.
"WISH GRANTED!" Garp rumbled, drawing his fist back in preparation.
For a bare moment, I actually felt a sliver of doubt.
"M-Mistah Gawp?"
And then everyone froze again, only this time it was on account of a distinctly small, timid, and positively heartwrenching voice. All attention turned towards the source—
…I thought I had long since grown immune to the whole 'puppy-dog-eyes' bit thanks to Soundbite utterly ruining it within the first week of me knowing him, but Merry proceeded to prove me wrong. I mean, seriously! Small, adorable, and on crutches, with massive watery eyes and a quivering lower lip? You'd have to be utterly lacking of a heart to not be affected, as evidenced by Garp visibly faltering.
"A-Awe you going to hurt my big bwother?" Merry whimpered sorrowfully.
"A-A-Ah, I-I, ah, t-t-that is to say…" the Vice Admiral hedged fretfully, glancing to and fro in search of a response.
"P-P-Pwease don't hurt Cwoss…" Merry hiccupped, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "H-H-He's one of my b-bestest fwiends in the whole wowld, a-a-and he saved my w-w-wife! P-Pwease, d-don't…" She bowed her head as she started crying softly.
"W-Well, I-I, uh…" Garp flinched back.
"Vice Admiral, how could you!"
I managed—somehow!—to wrench my attention away from the scene in front of me to catch sight of Coby glaring daggers at the Vice Admiral who, I should note, massively outweighed him. And outranked him. And out-everything'd him.
"Making an innocent young girl cry?" the Master Chief Petty Officer fumed. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"B-But she—! A-And I—!" Garp scrambled to get his words together.
"You dirty bastard!" Helmeppo accused fervently.
"What kind of a man are you, huh!?" a random Marine piped up.
"Disgusting, simply disgusting!"
"Yeah, now I'm definitely not naming my son after you!"
"N-N-Now hold on a minute, a-a-all of you—"
I have to admit, to this day I have seen few sights funnier than that of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, flailing about desperately as his own men lambasted him. But still, even through my (barely concealed) amusement, I couldn't help feeling that something was… off about this whole affair.
Before I could put much thought into it, however…
"Disgraceful," Garp's fedora-wearing compatriot huffed.
For whatever, reason, that was what rebooted Garp's brain, prompting him to turn on his men and draw himself up to his full height. "Now, see here, you young whippersnappers! I—!"
It all happened in an instant.
One second, Merry's head was bowed and she was sobbing her eyes out, the next it snapped up and her gaze locked on dead ahead, a pair of utterly evil golden stars glinting in her eyes. She spared a second to glance at Soundbite and slash a finger across her throat before she shoved her crutches into the ground, effectively flinging Merry forward.
And then…
CHOMP!
…the world just seemed to… well, stop turning as once anew everyone froze.
"Ooooh myyyy gooood…" I dragged out incredulously.
"Well, now…" Robin breathed.
"Oh, for fuck's sakes…" Nami moaned, dropping her hands in her face.
"What the…!?" Coby and Helmeppo gaped in shock.
"PFFF…" Soundbite snorted, very visibly holding himself back from cackling. "T-T-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, FOLKS, sorry!" The second he finished that last word he burst out howling. "HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEhahahahaaaaaa!"
Garp sloooowly glanced over his shoulder, shock written across his face. "W-What the—?"
Merry's grin widened around the mouthful of his ass she'd bitten into. "Gr't yer t'th."
And then she redoubled the strength of her bite and things got…
"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!"
Interesting.
Years in the future, Monkey D. Garp would still swear up and down to anyone and everyone who would listen that the scars on his ass came from either a bear trap, a snapping turtle or a juvenile Sea King that someone had left on his office chair, either as a practical joke, as part of an assassination plot, or on account of his forgetting that he'd left it there the day before.
And years in the future, nobody would believe him on account of the Marine witnesses present spreading the true story like wildfire in spite of how much he threatened and pleaded with them afterwards.
Said true story being that a little girl had sunk her teeth into his ass like a freaking cobra and absolutely refused to let go, no matter how much he howled and ran around frantically, arms flailing with all the dignity of a cat in a water-soaked sack in a room full of rocking chairs. And, quite honestly, there was only one way I, or hell, anyone could react to it.
"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I cackled, falling onto the ground, pounding the floorboards with my fists. "TH-THIS IS COMEDY GO-HO-HO-HOLD! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"
"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Luffy howled alongside me, rolling about as he clutched his gut. "THIS IS GREAT! GO MERRY! SHISHISHISHI!"
"S-S-Someone get a picture of this! It'll be worth millions!" Nami shrieked, clutching Sanji in a desperate bid to keep herself upright. Sanji, for once, didn't fly into a Love Hurricane due to being too occupied with supporting himself on Nami.
"I-I'm trying!" Conis wheezed, her arm spasming furiously as she tried to hold her Vision Dial properly and stay upright. "B-B-But I'm laughing too h-hard! I c-c-can't keep a s-steady hand!"
"TSEEHEEHEEHEE!" Su, meanwhile, had no such restrictions and was flailing about on her back as she kept laughing.
In fact, most of the room was on the floor; the only ones upright were Zoro, Boss, and Robin, and they were either slumped over or on their knees. Even among the Marines, nobody was composed enough to be bothered to help their boss; Coby and Helmeppo were laughing themselves to tears, the grunts were accumulating grass stains, and the cool guy—Bogard, that's the name I knew him by—Bogard was hiding his face with his fedora, the shaking of his shoulders betraying the fact that he was trying with every fiber of his being not to burst out laughing himself.
Overall, it was… yeah, it was just straight-up hilarious.
At least five minutes passed before I managed to get enough of my mental facilities flaring to wonder what would happen when Garp finally got it in his head to get her off. The thought that came to mind brought with it a solution that would put an end to the conflict in a most beautiful way.
As such, I forced myself to my feet, staggered over to the flailing Garp, and grabbed Merry's torso. I tried to yank her off, but she barely even budged a bit. Still, not to be denied, I lifted my foot, planted it on Garp's backside and shoved as hard as I could. It was a hell of a struggle, but eventually I managed to yank her free!
RIIIIP!
Though it wasn't from any weakness on Merry's part.
Garp blinked slowly and sighed in relief as he realized the absence of pain in his hindquarters before stiffening as he also felt a breeze pass between his legs. "Oooooh sonnuva—!" He snapped his gaze around and stared in horror at the sight of his shorts hanging from Merry's grinning jaws. "Alright, brat, you listen and you listen good. Whatever the hell you're thinking about doing, you stop thinking about it right the hell—!"
Merry sucked the shorts down in a single gulp before adopting a shameless grin. "Tasty!"
Garp's eyes twitched even as his jaw, as well as that of every other Marine and Luffy, dropped in shock.
I blinked numbly as I processed the… let's say 'interesting' developments that had just occurred before glancing down at Merry, my eyebrow cocked in confusion. "…Wasn't your figurehead supposed to be a sheep?"
"Baaaaah-ah-ah-ah!" Merry bleated unabashedly in response.
"Fair 'nuff," I conceded.
"HEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAAAAAA!" Soundbite howled. "I THINK I SEE some of me in her! Hahahahaaaa!"
"You… little…!" Garp grit out as he strangled the air before him. "What the hell is your problem!? Where the hell did all of that cutesy crap from before go!?"
Merry silently stared at him for a second before bowing her head, her hood ensuring that all that was visible was the corner of a light smirk. "Ha… hahahaaaa…"
And then, out of the blue—!
"MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Merry flung her head back and started cackling like a madwoman. "YE FOOLISH MARINE SOPS! YE REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO DID YE!? WELL ALLOW ME TO MAKE MATTERS UTTERLY CLEAR FOR YE!"
And with that, Merry grabbed the sides of her jacket and jerked it—
I paled in realization. "Ahhh, shit, we forgot to take our flag when we got off you, didn't we?"
The grin Merry shot at me matched that of the Jolly Roger emblazoned on the t-shirt she was wearing tooth for tooth. "I assure ye, I consider it to be a most fortuitous mistake. Now, if ye'll excuse me—DO YE GET THE PICTURE NOW, YE LANDLUBBER FOOLS!?" she shouted, returning to cackling at Garp and his men. "I MIGHT APPEAR TA BE A CUTE AND INNOCENT CARAVEL ON THE OUTSIDE, SURE, BUT IN ME KEEL AND SOUL?" She thumped a fist to her chest. "AH'LL EVER AND ALWAYS BE NOTHIN' LESS THAN A ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE, GROG-SWILLIN' MARINE-SINKIN' BUCCANEER, THROUGH AND THROUGH, AND DON'T YE EVER FORGET IT!"
I stared at Merry in open-mouthed awe as she finished her tirade and crossed her arms with a triumphant smirk, and I reacted in the only appropriate way I knew.
I smiled contentedly as I patted her head. "I am so proud of you, Merry. So proud."
"She's already taunting the Marines like a pro…" Usopp sobbed into his arm. "T-They grow up so fast!"
"To see the next generation do you proud!" Boss sobbed right along with him as he pumped his fist in the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE AT ITS FINEST!"
"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS concurred.
"You little…" Garp snarled out murderously, veins popping out on his forehead as he slowly cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you're seriously so intent on being a pirate, then I'm only happy to—!"
"Ah-Ah-AH!~" Soundbite sang with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "REMEMBER, GARP: we were having 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' during this entire bit; YOU START JACK, I DROP THE SCRAMBLE, AND ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD will hear is YOU pummeling poor, innocent Merry and her big brother."
"The snail's right, Garp," I smirked confidently. "Hurt us now, and you will enjoy what I would like to call a 'Reverse Celestial Dragon' reaction. I.E., civilians rise up to lynch you. Care to try it?"
"…You've earned your place as the tactician of this crew, Jeremiah Cross," Garp nodded with begrudging respect. Merry and I exchanged victorious grins, before freezing as he pinned us both with murderous glares. "And you've both earned a spot on my shitlist. Mark my words, there will be consequences."
"Leave my crew alone, Gramps!" Luffy protested, before shrinking in on himself when Garp turned his a glare at him. It only lasted for a moment, however, before Luffy set his face in stone. His legs were trembling like Usopp's, but he stood strong in the face of his grandfather's anger. "You can hit me all you want… but I won't forgive anyone who hurts my friends," he growled.
I had only a moment to appreciate him quoting Shanks again before Garp reared back his fist, clearly preparing to hit his grandson—
SHINK! "And family or not, I don't take threats to my captain lightly."
Only to pause as Zoro, Wado and Kitetsu in hand, moved to stand beside Luffy. Garp raised a brow.
"The mosshead has a point," Sanji conceded, moving to Luffy's opposite side. I hastily glanced at Lassoo and nodded at him, prompting him to snap into his hybrid form and snarl menacingly even as he and I moved along with the rest of the crew to stand beside the Monster Trio.
"After all, a captain's duty may be to his crew—" Boss continued, the TDWS flanking him proudly.
"But a crew's duty is to their captain," Nami finished as she and Usopp both readied their weapons.
"It should be obvious by now, Vice Admiral Garp," Vivi said coolly, a Lion Cutter spinning in her hands. "If you threaten one of the Straw Hat Pirates, you threaten all of the Straw Hat Pirates."
Garp took in the sight of us all standing together. Sanji, Chopper, and Robin all glared at him in challenge, while the rest of the crew had their weapons in hand to match their glares. And Luffy? His expression hadn't faltered, and his trembling had stopped dead.
Merry took it all in for a second before adopting a massive fond smile. "I love this crew…" she whispered joyously.
After a few seconds, Garp lowered his arm with a put-upon sigh—and I think a mutter of 'damn déjà-vu'? Either way, a bittersweet grin came over his face. "Well, if nothing else good came of this, I'm glad my stupid grandson has found companions who care about him that much." He turned away and folded his arms with a huff. "Eh, whatever. I'm on vacation right now anyway, I'm under no obligation to try catching you. Do whatever the hell you want, however utterly foolish it might be."
I heaved a sigh of relief before snapping my head up with an eager grin as inspiration suddenly slugged me. "Weeell, if that's the case, seeing as you're not busy and all, think you could spare the time to outline a method or three on how to train some techniques? Like, oh, off the top of my head… Haki or—?"
"Not on your life, ass," Garp snorted as he dug a pinkie up his nose.
I shot a desperate look at Vivi, and she shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling before smiling beatifically. "Oh, come now, Vice Admiral, don't be like that. Please tell us everything you know about Haki?" Vivi 'asked' politely.
Garp paused for a moment, and for that moment, I thought it had worked.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I found myself brutally disabused of that notion when he started laughing his head off.
"HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHaaaa!" Garp finally wound down, wheezing as he pressed his hand to his face before glancing at us from under his fingers. "Really, Cross is one thing, the world knows he's completely insane, but I'd expect the rest of you to know how completely absurd the concept of me answering to a will as weak as that is."
Vivi paled in shock. "W-Wait, you—?"
"Noticed that you just tried to enforce your Sovereign's Will on me?" Garp scoffed with a wave of his hand. "Psh! Of course I did! After all…" He shot a smirk over his shoulder. "You're not one of the very few people who I answer to!"
I prepared to throw in the towel, but then a thought flitted through my mind and I hastily pasted a defeated scowl on my face. "Ah, but of course! Vivi's will was in no way a match for your own! She could never get you to do what she said properly, I should have known!" I proclaimed melodramatically.
"Feh, moron," Garp scoffed as he dug his finger in his ear. "You know as well as I do that willpower is only half the battle when it comes to the Sovereign's Will subset of Conqueror's Haki! The other half of it is respect! After all, Conquerors get people to kneel before them through a sheer flood of willpower. Sovereigns, on the other hand, like your princess friend, play on the natural aura of leadership they exude to get people to bow and obey before them. Different personalities and ways of ruling, different results. But, eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "You already knew all that."
"Or at least, we know it now!" Su snickered behind her paw. "Thanks a lot for the tidbits, gramps! Tseeheeheeheeeee!"
Garp froze in spot as the blood drained from his face before he wheeled around and started strangling the air… again. "Yoooou…"
"And we are back!" I said, stopping the Vice Admiral in his place as I rolled my finger at Soundbite. "Sorry about that, loyal viewers, but… well, let's just say that the good Vice Admiral may have had a bout of narcolepsy, which may have resulted in the unfortunate and untimely demise of his pants. So, following the trouser malfunction that the world will never know of, we stand here with Vice Admiral Garp now perfectly composed, but without suitable bottom garments. So…" I glanced downward with a cocked brow. "Fire hydrant-print boxers, eh?"
Garp promptly flushed brick red, though whether it was from outrage or being reminded that he was still sans pants, I couldn't even begin to tell.
"Points for being innovative, at the least." My grin widened tauntingly. "Oooor not, seeing as the figurehead of your ship is a dog. Do I sense a theme here?"
At that point, everyone within earshot lost it again.
The raucous laughter coming from the Transponder Snail was only matched by the raucous laughter coming from two long-suffering aged citizens.
"BAHAHAHAHA! Ohohoh, I've wanted to hear that old bastard get his for decades! This has been coming for a long time!" Dadan crowed as she pounded on the makeshift bar she'd set up in her hideout.
"WAHAHAHA! I'm right there with you, bandit! I'll never object to the SBS again, this justifies everything!" Woop Slap cackled.
Makino cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Dogra and Magra. "Is this the happiest you've ever seen yours too?"
"By far," the bandits nodded in sage agreement.
"Well, in that case, this calls for something special!" the kindly bartender proclaimed enthusiastically, walking over to a corner of the bar and withdrawing an unopened bottle. "I was saving this bottle of Wano Rice Wine that Shanks left me for a good time, and this seems as good an occasion as any to open it!"
"AGREED!" Woop Slap and Dadan proclaimed eagerly.
As the laughter redoubled, Makino filled a few glasses, passed them around and raised one for herself. "To the Straw Hat Pirates, who never cease to amaze and inspire!"
"KANPAI!"
Garp fumed and hissed indignantly for a moment before slumping over with a defeated sigh. "Oh for the love of—enough, enough! Luffy, your crew is utterly exhausting and I give up. BUT!" he barked as he drew himself up and slid his shades back over his eyes. "I'm not going to let that get me down! I'm still in a beautiful and thriving city, and I'm still on the first vacation I've had in years! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and enjoy myself and nothing anyone can say is going to change my—!"
"Puru puru puru puru!"
"Call on the direct line from Marineford for you, Vice Admiral," Bogard deadpanned as he withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat.
Garp stiffened fearfully, knocking his glasses askew in the process. "As I was saying, I'm going right back to my ship and setting off for Marineford right as soon as my men are finished with their shore leave!" he bit out hastily, spinning on his heel and striding out of the building as fast as his feet could take him. Then he paused just outside and turned back around, his arms crossed and his head bowed.
"But still… I suppose that while I have this opportunity… so long as my voice has even half a chance of reaching my idiot son… Then this just has to be said."
Everyone fell silent in anticipation of what Garp could possibly want to say.
"GET A JOB!"
WHAM!
Honestly now, it was my fault, well and truly. I really should have known better than to expect anything even remotely different from someone like a damn Monkey. Still, as it was, at least I was starting to gain a tolerance to head pains from hitting my head against the floor so much. I was also starting to taste copper, though I'm fairly certain that was supposed to be a bad thing.
"Eh…?" I slowly raised my hand as I lifted my head. "Did you not hear that little speech I made earlier? About him freeing the world from tyranny and all that?"
Garp's response was to snort out a load of steam. "THAT'S A HOBBY!"
"Oooof course," I groaned as I hung my head in defeat. "What the hell was I thinking?"
"Well, that's it, then," Garp spun on his heel and legitimately booked it, the Marines outside hastily moving out of his path. "SAFE TRAVELS!"
We all stared silently after him before Luffy grinned at Coby. "So! What's new with you?"
I hastily elbowed Nami as I once again covered the mic. "I'll direct their conversation and pump him for as much intel as I can get if you'll record it all," I hissed subtly.
The CHA-CHING! I practically heard as her spine snapped straight was all I needed in answer. Heck, maybe this could even make paying off my newly acquired debt semi-plausi—!
"STRAW HATS! STRAW HATS!"
'What did I do to deserve this?' I groaned inwardly as I turned towards the frantic and disheveled Galley-La worker who was running up towards the hole in the house. "Before you say anything!" I cut him off with a raised hand. "I already know what you're here about and it's being handled."
"YOU—wait, what? So you already know about the crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker?"
"Yes, we've already dealt with the Mari—" I froze as his words sunk in, and all eyes turned towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"Eh, just that there's a crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker," the worker shrugged indifferently. "But hey, if you've already got that handled—!"
"Sir, sir," I interrupted him again. "I'd just like to remind you that I've been on the Grand Line for several months now, so I think that it says a lot about just how utterly confused I am when I say WHAT!?"
"…You have got to me kidding me…" I muttered incredulously as the Galley-La worker and I leaned around the corner of the door to my crew's storage locker, peering inside. "Out of the literal dozens of discarded swords on that godforsaken bridge that I could have grabbed, I chose the one with the elephant Zoan in it!?"
"BAROOOOOOH!"
"Apparently yes," Soundbite deadpanned, following Funkfreed with his eyes as he reared up on his hind legs, trunk flailing about as he fought off the half-dozen dockworkers that were trying to subdue him. "And for the record, HE HASN'T SAID JACK YET, HE'S JUST BEEN YELLING INCOHERENTLY."
"Congratulations, Cross," Lassoo chuffed flatly as he ground a paw into his forehead. "Your luck has officially hit an all-time low."
I grimaced as I found myself unable to refute that statement before morphing it into a scowl. "That may be so, but you're forgetting one particular aspect of the luck of the Straw Hats: when our luck bites us in the ass, we turn it right the hell around and make it work for us!" And with that, I walked out from around the doorframe and strode into the warehouse. "Come on, guys."
Lassoo briefly eyed the rampaging elephant-sword before swallowing audibly. "Ah… can we vote on this, or—?"
"Lassoo!"
The dog-cannon flinched and followed me with a defeated whimper. Nodding, I turned in the general direction of the elephant and marched up to about a few meters away from him, waving off the shipwrights trying to subdue him in the process. "Hey, Timmy Trumpet!" I called out, spreading my arms invitingly. "Remember me?"
The white behemoth swung his head towards me, his narrowed eyes snapping wide with outrage.
"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
The Zoan-weapon turned his mass towards me, his trunk reverting to a massive blade as he prepared to mow me down…
"HOLD IT!"
Only to stall in place when I snapped my hand up.
"Listen," I calmly prompted. "I can imagine just how totally pissed off you are, and honestly, going by the craters you're sporting there—" I gestured at the talon-prints indented in Funkfreed's brow. "You have every right to be. But all I ask is for a few minutes of your time, alright? If you're not satisfied by the time I'm done talking…" My expression fell flat as I jerked my thumb at Lassoo. "Then you can take it up with him."
"GRRRRRRR!"
Lassoo drew his hackles back in a vicious snarl, flames roiling between his jaws.
Funkfreed eyed his fellow animal-weapon, his expression unreadable, before allowing his trunk to relax back into flesh with a dark snort.
"Glad to hear it," I said, crossing my arms. "Now, then, while you've got a legitimate grievance about the dents you've taken to the skull…" I snapped my finger up and pointed it at him. "I think that that's the only legitimate grievance you have right now!"
"Eh?!" Soundbite, Lassoo and the dockworkers around me yelped incredulously, matching Funkfreed's own dumbstruck look.
"Well, yeah!" I forged on. "After all, it was thanks to our crew invading Enies that you saw the first piece of action you've undoubtedly experienced in… what, a year? A decade? Your entire life? Because, come on, let's face facts here! You were Spandam's sword, and Spandam was a lot of things: a bastard, a degenerate, the list goes on and on, but two things he was above all else? He was a weakling and a coward! That means that he never, ever got into fights if he could help it and you were a superfluous accessory at best. And can you honestly tell me that I'm wrong?"
The elephant snorted and jerked his head forward in defiance, but after a second of me glaring him down, he looked away, and I heard a mumbled sound come from his mouth.
"One for one," Soundbite confirmed. "Apparently he was more pet than WEAPON."
"Eesh, poor bastard…" Lassoo flinched sympathetically.
"My thoughts exactly," I nodded. "Now, look, Funkfreed… what I want you to do for me is I want you to confirm your life up until now with whatever you remember of the Bridge of Hesitation. You remember how I grabbed you, right? I was actually using you for once in your life, how you finally got to fulfill your life's purpose?"
The sword glanced side to side fretfully for a moment before letting out a positive-sounding bray.
"That's what I hoped. Now, look, you're at a crossroads right now." I popped up a finger. "On the one hand, you can stay loyal to the Marines; fight me, possibly fight my crew, inevitably get your ass whipped and we'll let Garp take you back to the Corps. Maybe they'll destroy you so that they can reacquire your fruit, more likely they'll transfer you to another officer for their usage. Whether they'd be better or worse than Spandam, I couldn't tell you. No matter what, though, it'd be a gamble. Personally?" I popped up my second finger, and then pointed it at myself. "I'd take the second option, the guaranteed satisfaction option, of coming with me, and letting me be your wielder."
"WHAT!?" everyone squawked incredulously, even Funkfreed reeling back in shock.
"Well, yeah!" I said, throwing my arms out. "Come on, think about it! You know how utterly insane my life is, how nuts my crew's lives are! And me, personally, I get in fights all the damn time! And, well…" I flexed my gauntlets demonstratively. "As good as these babies are, I do enjoy having a guaranteed back-up weapon on me. My old baton was good, but, well… it's gone now. And, I'll admit, I'm not a swordsman, that is a fact, and for awhile I'd be pulling a Spandam by relying on your powers… but…"
I clenched my fists. "But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to match whatever effort you put in, step for step. You do right by me by supporting me, and I'll do right by you by not only helping you use your abilities to the fullest, but by giving you the best damn fights any sword on these seas has ever known!" I held my hand out to him invitingly. "Whaddaya say… friend?"
Funkfreed brayed and trumpeted hesitantly, glancing to and fro as he debated with himself.
"Ah… hey. Funkfreed, right?"
The elephant-blade blinked in surprise as Lassoo padded forward, his head cocked to the side.
"Listen…" The dog-gun glanced to the side sheepishly as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'm… sorry for my earlier reaction, alright? That was… not nice. But I've stood where you are now, and if you want my advice?" He affixed Funkfreed with a firm gaze. "If you turn him down, you'll be making the worst mistake of your life. This pirate…" Lassoo shot a smirk over his shoulder at me. "He's as nutty as they come, insane even, but he's more than a good wielder, he's a good friend. And if he wants you as his sword? Then friend, you should consider yourself to be the luckiest damn blade on the six seas… just like how I'm the luckiest damn gun."
I sniffed gratefully as I fought to hold my tears back before kneeling down and scratching Lassoo's chin. "Good dog," I whispered happily.
"Hweehweehwee!" Lassoo laughed as he planted a slobber-laden lick on my face. "Best friend!"
Funkfreed kept his head bowed as he thought things over. Then, at last, a determined glint came into his eye.
"Alright…" he whispered before raising his head and voice confidently as he extended his trunk. "Alright, I'm in! Put 'er the—!"
SMASH!
He cut himself off as both he and the rest of us faceplanted hard enough to shake the floor. But above the din of the titanic impact sounded out a single, very familiar noise.
"HAHAHAHOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEE!" Soundbite howled ecstatically. "Oh joyous day, OH JOYOUS DA-A-AY!"
"YOU ARE FUCKING SHAMELESS, SLIMESTAIN!" I spat viciously as I hauled my face up from the ground. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERY ANIMAL HAVING THEIR OWN DAMN VOICE!?"
"SCREW THAT!" Soundbite cackled in my face in response. "This was a golden opportunity, no way in hell was I LETTING SOMETHING LIKE MORAL INTEGRITY STAND IN THE WAY OF THE HOLY TRIFECTA!"
"HE IS A GOD-DAMN ELEPHANT!" I snarled as I jabbed my finger at said elephant in the room. "WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU GET MOUSE FROM THAT!?"
"I get it from 'I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!'" the snail replied with a smirk. "And I don't give a damn if the demons Disney calls its lawyers REACH ACROSS THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER TO SLAP MY SMILE OFF MY FACE WITH COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, the voice stays!"
"I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU!"
"What did I just get myself into…?" Funkfreed wept into the ground.
"No takebacksies, we're stuck on this mad ride together…" Lassoo chuffed sympathetically.
"Ugh…" I groaned as I got back on my feet. "Screw it, I know better than to try and change his mind, so let's just get back to the crew." I held my hand out to him. "If you wouldn't mind?"
"Ah, right, gimme a sec…" Funkfreed nodded hastily, placing his trunk to the ground and shifting to his sword-form, leaving an ornate blade planted upright in the stonework.
I blinked in surprise at the display before grabbing Funkfreed's hilt and drawing him from the ground, weighing him in my hand a bit before turning to the nearest Galley-La worker. "Alright, first things first: Did he actually crush anything important?"
"Ah… nah, nah, nothing like that," the shipwright assured me. "He knocked a few things over, sure, but everything looks to be alright."
I heaved a sigh of relief. "Perfect. If Nami found out that my new sword actually managed to crush her mother's trees…" I shivered in horror. "Yeah, no. I want to be able to sleep at night. Alright, alright, one more question before I go…" I pointed at Funkfreed. "Got any spare sheaths lying around that are close to a size him?"
A few minutes later, the telltale smell of burning wood and grilling meat reached my nostrils a block away from the pool where I knew the crew would be by this time, if the sunset dyeing the island orange and the sound of festivities filling the air were anything to go by.
I had to admit, I was really looking forward to it; after all, this was more than a mere impromptu shindig, it was the long-overdue and perfectly justified celebration of us reclaiming everything that the world sought to take away from us. But it was for that same reason that I was also making sure to take a longer than usual route back to our impromptu HQ, rather than heading for the light and smoke immediately.
After all, there was one loose end yet remaining from Enies Lobby, and I intended to nail it to the wall once and for fucking all.
And so, as I noticed Soundbite suddenly snap to alertness, I prepared myself for what I knew was coming.
"Cross?" the snail whispered nervously.
"Hold on, Soundbite, we're almost there," I waved him off.
"But Cross—!"
"There'll be enough meat even with Luffy there, there are Sea-King-killer ships aplenty around here, and the waters don't lack for prey either."
"Cross, seriously—"
"Soundbite, quit panicking. Everything is alright," I huffed, folding my arms behind my head as I came to a stop.
"THE HELL IT—"
"But," I cut him off sharply, my tone cold. "If it'll put your mind at ease, just remember that he's not someone who would go back on his word, and the fact that Sengoku would have to be an absolute idiot to touch us here after we so soundly dropkicked the entire globe a few days ago means that he isn't here on orders. But still, that does leave us with the pressing question: what possible reason could you have to be here, Kuzan?"
Soundbite snapped his jaws shut, his eyes wide with shock.
"Hmph…You truly are a frightening man, Jeremiah Cross," an unmistakably chilly voice drawled behind me.
"Cut the flattery and answer the question, icicle-breath," I snapped, not even deigning to turn and face him. "I want answers for Long Ring Long, and I want them now. You saw the debt you owed to Saul fulfilled, you saw Robin in her place. For a minute, I thought that I may have underestimated how decent of a Marine you are, I thought I could give you a chance." My hands clenched into fists. "And then you said it. You said that parting shot, which we both know was taken how you intended it to be read. You were aiming to shatter what little happiness she had found, and you saw just what kind of a hell it took to get it back for her." My lips drew back into a snarl. "Do you have any idea what that bastard did to her? How many bones he broke, how close she came to dying?"
His silence said enough.
I closed my eyes, and against my will, my tone became pleading. "Why, Kuzan? Why do it? Why break her trust in us, our strength? Why sic CP9, Rob Lucci himself, on her? What possible reason could you have had to hurt Robin like that?"
The silence hung heavy in the air, and the growing frigidity only made the air all the heavier. Ultimately, however, he deigned to answer me.
"Eh, I suppose I owe you something after this whole mess, and since it's sure as hell not going to be my respect, it might as well be the truth." The slight crackling of ice belied the cool drawl of his voice. "See, that little speech you gave when I made the monumental mistake of not only allowing but inviting you to talk? It actually touched base. Shook me more than I care to admit. The way you stood by Nico Robin despite everything… I don't know how, but you knew the truth of that day. And ever since that day, I've been questioning if Saul made the right choice all those years ago. If I made the right choice, if any of us did. And seeing Nico Robin, the Demon of Ohara, in the hands of someone else who knew about the hell of that day…"
"You saw that as your chance," I snapped my head up in realization, finally turning around to face him. The admiral's expression was stony, but the shame he was demonstrating was unmistakable. "You knew what you were doing as soon as you fired that parting shot. Cipher Pol 9, Enies Lobby… you set the whole thing up, matching the full force of the Marines and the World Government against whatever we could muster, just so that you could get your answer as to whose truth was truly victorious!"
Kuzan heaved a cloudy sigh as he shook his head and slowly raised his hand in denial. "No, Jeremiah Cross, not even close. Truth is… I knew the answer to that conflict the moment you repeated Saul's words to me, the answer to your words… but I didn't want to believe it. Every obstacle in your path was something I hoped I could use as an excuse to keep denying it; no matter how strong you were, surely you couldn't take on Enies Lobby and win. Surely the World Government would snuff you out, and I could put this all behind me like some bad dream. But that just didn't happen, and instead you managed to succeed with the entire world as your witness. Meaning that I've no more room left with which to deny the truth, every truth I've hidden from and dodged all these years."
The glare in his eyes sharpened as he looked into mine. "And so, to answer your initial question, Jeremiah Cross, I came here because I have a new question now, one even more daunting than the last. And considering your reputation, I want to see if you can give me an answer."
I blinked in surprise, but my expression remained firm even as I debated with myself and eventually came to a conclusion. "I won't promise anything, but ask anyway."
He visibly steeled himself. Then…
"What am I supposed to do now?"
I processed that for several seconds. I honestly thought long and hard about what he was asking, about what I could say, what I could tell him…
And ultimately, I scowled. "Get up off your ass and figure it out yourself."
"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR—WHEGH!" I grabbed Soundbite's tongue mid-sentence, cutting off his incredulous squawk.
Aokiji, meanwhile, was no less taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me!" I snarled, jabbing my finger at the towering frigid bastard. "Figure it. Out. Yourself. You say you've seen the truth, you say you want to change? Well, I call bullshit! Look at you! Even now, you're being a lazy bastard, relying on others to do your thinking for you, to give you all the answers you need. You think that someone's just going to stand up and act as your inspiration, your beacon of righteousness?" I shook my head darkly as I marched up to him. "Weeeeell tough, because that shit officially stops with me. I'm not giving you squat, Kuzan. You want your epiphany, you want a path to a better world?"
I stopped as I stood before him, reached up and started poking him in his chest. "Then you get up, you find it and you pave it with your own hands, with your own blood, sweat and tears… just like what everyone else on the planet does every. Single. Day."
For a full minute, Aokiji and I just… glared at each other, the temperature gradually and steadily lowering each and every second that the conflict drew out. Soon I was seeing my own breath, but I didn't let myself shiver or waver, refusing to sacrifice so much as an inch in the conflict.
And then, just like that, the temperature snapped right back to normal as Aokiji turned his back on me, his arm raised dismissively. "Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting from you, but it really should have been that, huh?"
I snorted firmly (it was not a sigh of relief, no matter what the hell Soundbite said) before turning as well and heading towards the party. "Your debt is paid and you're no longer welcome here. Mark my words, Ice Hole: if you ever come near my sister again, I will end you."
And so I walked away…
"Hold it."
Before halting against my will as the frosty voice spoke up again.
"Before you go… I've got two messages for you. First, for Nico Robin, tell her…" Aokiji hesitated for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Tell her that Saul's hat suits her."
I felt my teeth grind together, but held my tongue. "And second?" I grit out.
"Marshall D. Teach."
I didn't even try to stop myself from spinning around and staring at Aokiji in shock, meeting his cool gaze dead on.
"You know of him," he deduced. "Good, that makes this easier. Then allow me to be as clear as I possibly can: that man… he's dangerous, Jeremiah Cross. Dangerous in ways not even you can begin to contemplate."
Aokiji narrowed his eyes.
"Beware the Blackbeard Pirates, Cross. Beware Blackbeard."
And then he was gone.
I stared numbly at the spot where he was a moment before as the temperature slowly began increasing again. Then I was all but dunked in ice water as realization hit me full force.
"Ace," I breathed in horror.
The next thing I knew, I was running with all the speed I could muster towards the source of the noise, rushing through every alleyway I could find as Soundbite, having put the pieces together, spewed out the fastest route he could find. The exact instant that I arrived, I sprinted in the direction he indicated, ignoring any comments along the way, bodychecking anyone in my way out of my path…
"Oh, hey Cwo—!"
"GIMME!"
CRASH!
"GAH!"
Aaaaand finishing it all off by bodily tackling Luffy and snatching his hat off his head before he knew what actually hit him.
"Card, card, where's the fucking card!?" I hissed as I frantically rifled through one of the most valuable pieces of headwear in human history, until finally…
"GOTCHA!" I whooped as I located the invaluable card and held it high—
"BASTARD!"
CRACK!
"GARGH!"
Just in time for Luffy to sucker punch me into a wall, square in the nose to boot.
"Aaaaargh, shonnuva—OW!" I winced as I snapped my nose back into place.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, CROSS?!" a blur I vaguely recognized as Luffy roared above me, stomping about furiously. "YOU STOLE MY HAT AND YOU MADE ME CHOKE ON MY MEAT!"
"Grgrggghhh… gimme a second to stop seeing double and I'll tell you," I groaned, rubbing my head and blinking several times, but not letting the paper in my other hand leave it. Finally, as my vision came back into focus, I brought the paper in front of my eyes—
"…pfheh… pfheheheh… PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"
Luffy paused in confusion as I started cackling like a madman. "Ah… Cross? What's so funny?"
"PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Funny? Funny!?" I choked out through my euphoria as I worked my way to my feet. "Not funny, HAPPY! Happy because we've won! AGAIN! A gamble I worried about above all others, a last ditch throw whose outcome I doubted every step of the way, and it's just hit on all sixes! We won again! We won we won we won WE WON! PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
"Eeeehhh…" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I don't get it."
"PFFHAHAHA!" I crowed ecstatically as I shot up and slung my arm around Luffy's shoulders, surreptitiously replacing the perfectly intact Vivre Card of Portgas D. Ace back in his hat in the process. "There's nothing to get, mon ami! Right now, all we must do is what you've been doing up until now: celebrate! Eat, drink, and above all else, be as merry as possible!"
"OI!"
THWACK!
My smile barely even shifted as my head was knocked to the side on account of a crutch bouncing off my skull, and I instead turned it towards the source of the projectile. "I take it I struck a nerve?" I called out.
"YER DARN RIGHT YE DID!" Merry crowed from atop a recently-returned Sodom's head, grinning like a lunatic as she flailed her remaining crutch about. "AFTER ALL, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER MERRY IN THE SIX BLUE SEAS BUT ME! Now, if you'll excuse me!" Before anyone could stop her, the girl-ship leapt off of the King-Bull's head with a whoop. "CANNONBAAAALL!"
"YAHOO! WAIT FOR ME!"
"Eh?" I glanced at Luffy in confusion, only to find that he'd ducked out from under my arm and was running towards the pool oh that dumb son of a—
"CANNONBALL!" the most senior hammer on our crew crowed as he followed our second-most senior hammer into the pool.
"YOU IDIOTS!" most of the crew howled indignantly as the pair splashed down, more than a few of our non-hammers following them in in an attempt to rescue them… or properly drown them, I honestly couldn't tell you which.
"…whoops," I muttered in embarrassment, a sweatdrop hanging from my brow.
"Heheheh… Anything but mindless good fun, hm, Cross?"
I snickered in agreement even as I turned and accepted the drink Robin was offering me. "And we wouldn't have it any other way, would we?" I paused to take a deep sip from the glass before gracing her with an angelic smile. "Oh, and by the way, if you drugged this too, you'll wake up tomorrow morning with pink hair."
Robin's smile remained fixed even as she tilted her head to the side. "Dearest brother, I feel it is only fair to warn you that if I wind up pink, you wind up bald."
"M.A.D.! Is there no better way to prevent a war?" Soundbite cackled.
"If there is, I've yet to find one," Robin shrugged helplessly even as she took a sip of her own. However, even in spite of her glass hiding her mouth, I could see her smile shrink slightly. "So… Cross. To confirm, your knowledge of the future… it came from… a book?"
I hid my grimace with my own glass. "Oooh trust me, I've been seeing ripples as is, and after today and Enies, I can only imagine that they're going to get worse from here."
"Hm…" Robin hummed contemplatively as she peered into her drink.
"But… I'm not worried."
Before glancing up in shock as I continued with a smile.
"Because… earlier, when I was going insane and laughing my ass off? I was doing it because the worst tragedy I could think of in the days to come has just been officially averted. Things are changing, and not all for the better, sure, but I at least managed to do that right! And… even if something does come our way, a problem I didn't foresee, some foe ready to crush us all into paste…" I looked up at our crewmates partying around us, thoroughly enjoying the sight. "Then… I trust that this crew can handle them, no matter what!" I allowed the side of my smile out of Robin's sight to fall into a grimace. "At least, for a little while longer…" I grumbled to myself.
"Hmmm…" Robin hummed some more as she contemplated my words, but she eventually shrugged it off and went back to smiling. "Well, if that's the case, I suppose I'll just have to follow your lead, won't I?"
I nodded in agreement before pausing as a thought occurred to me. "Ah, and before I forget? Don't worry about Aokiji anymore. We… well, you won't see him again." I glanced to the side with a scowl. "Not if he knows what's good for him, at any rate…"
My big sis blinked in confusion before frowning and grabbing my cheek with a sharp tug. "I know that I'm not terribly well-versed in such matters, but unless my memory of the many books I've read over the years fails me, it's the older sibling who protects the younger, correct?"
"Aw, c'mon!" I snickered, entirely ignoring the hold she had on my face. "We've never been even remotely close to conventional in the past, why start now, ne?"
Robin glared at me a bit more before looking away with a huff, her cheeks slightly puffed out. "Maybe so, but it's still embarrassing…"
"Pfhehehe—!"
"GYAAAAAH! HEEEELP!"
I was cut off by Luffy suddenly hollering at the top of his lungs as he ran around… with Merry hanging off of his neck?!
"Come oooon, Captain!" she pleaded desperately. "Gimme a bite! An eentsy weentsy bite! No, less than that! A nibble, a morsel, even a lick will do! Just let me taste it!"
I felt a blue pallor come over my expression the same time it fell over Robin's.
"Ah…" she mumbled helplessly.
"Soundbite…?" I all but pleaded.
"She's talking about his hat."
"Oh-thank-God…" we sighed in relief, slumping forward.
I held the position for a bit before glancing at Robin. "There's no chance in hell she'd settle for a nibble, is there?"
"Not a one," Robin confirmed with chuckle as she righted herself. She was then silent for a bit as she observed the pair's antics, smiling fondly. "Still, getting back on topic… I must admit, some of the less savory adjustments aside, it's truly wonderful that you found a means through which to save her. I'm glad that I didn't have to suffer such a horrendous blight on the best day of my life."
"Heh. No chance of that happening either way, Robin," I chuckled as I waved her off. "I got desperate enough to save her en route to Enies that I appealed to the omnipotent asshat that dropped me here for a mulligan on saving her. It gave me her fruit in return for the entertainment I gave it—though I would have still done it anyways, the bastards deserved it for the hell they put you through—but if the fruit didn't work, it still gave me one last Hail Mary I could make use of."
"Oh?" Robin cocked her eyebrow as she made to take another sip of her drink. "Now that I think about it, I do recall Boss being surprised that you were willing to accept. What was the offer it proposed?"
I smirked as I subtly withdrew a Vision Dial, holding it at the ready while she started to drink.
"Oooh, nothing major… just instantaneous gender reassignment."
"PFFFT!"
Ahhh, a genuine spit take from Nico Robin, and I managed to immortalize it? Yes, indeed, let there be no doubts: life… was good.
Once she finished hacking and coughing, she pinned me with a glare, but then her eyes widened as she realized that I wasn't kidding. For a few more seconds, she just stared at me. Then she bowed her head, tilting her hat to cover her face.
I frowned in concern as she started to shake, but then I heard it.
"…dere… dereshi…"
It started slow, and then without warning, Nico Robin, the Devil's Child, the Demon of Ohara…
"DERESHISHISHI! DERESHISHISHISHISHIII!"
Flung her head back and started laughing her guts out, tears of mirth fountaining from her eyes as she struggled to stay upright from laughing so hard.
I blinked in shock as I processed the completely and utterly unprecedented sight before me, but I was swift to get over my paralysis and hastily did two things: First, I snapped off a second photograph, because this too was a moment worthy of immortality. And second?
"PFFHAHAHAHA! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
"HEEHEEHEEHEEhoohoohooHAHAHAAAAA!"
I joined her in her mirth, both my snail and I laughing right alongside her. Because really, what else could I do under those circumstances? And hell, we would have probably kept laughing for a good long while, too, had life not decided to interrupt us.
"HOOHOOHOO—huh?" Soundbite suddenly cut himself off, one of his eyestalks cocked at something, before interrupting our dying laughter with a shrill whistle. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, but just FYI? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY SHUTTERBUG AT THIS SHINDIG. SOMEBODY'S SNAPPING SHOTS OF OUR FRIENDS."
"Ah…" Robin snapped her gaze around as she analyzed our surroundings. "So 'Flaming' Attachan is here, then? I see…" She glanced at me inquisitively. "I trust you have a plan, Cross?"
"Hell yeah!" I nodded firmly. "I'm striking myself a pose, and I suggest you hop to it and do the same!"
"…eh?" Robin blinked in confusion.
"What, you think I'm actually gonna stop him?" I scoffed incredulously. "Please, if not today, then they'll try and snap our photos tomorrow. That's a fact, and not even I can stop it. As such…" I snapped up a thumbs-up. "I'm making sure that my anonymity dies on my terms, and not by candid! Get my drift?"
Robin stared at me silently before shrugging with a weary-yet-fond sigh. "I don't know what else I was expecting."
"Me neither. Now, if you'll excuse me—!" I interrupted myself as I suddenly broke into a sprint, dashing over to the nearest table I could find and leaping onto it, and jerking my transceiver's mic from its cradle.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE WORLD OVER, IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" I called out, my hand raised high into the air.
The vast majority of the eyes at the party snapped over to me, and according to Soundbite's whispered intel, one particular camera-lens as well.
"AS YOU ALREADY KNOW," I proclaimed. "I'M JEREMIAH CROSS!"
"AND I'M SOUNDBITE!" the snail concurred.
"AND AS YOU ALSO KNOW, IT'S ONCE AGAIN TIME—!"
"TO START THE SBS!"
I… actually needed a second to recover from that. "Loud."
"AND FREAKING RUDE!" Soundbite howled at the crowd. "THAT'S MY DAMN SHTICK!"
"SHOVE IT UP YOUR SHELL, MUCUS STAIN!" Mikey cackled,
"GRRRRGH—!"
"ANYWAY!" I picked up hastily before he could really pick up steam. "NOW THAT OUR GOOD CAPTAIN IS AWAKE—!"
"HELP!" said captain cried out as he ran past, Merry still clinging to his neck. "OUR SHIP IS TRYING TO EAT MY HAT!"
"JUST LET ME LICK IT ALREADY, DAMN IT!"
I shuddered. "Trust me, it sounds even worse out of context… BUT ANYWAY, SEEING AS LUFFY'S AWAKE, WE'VE DECIDED THROW THE PARTY OF A LIFETIME TO COMMEMORATE… PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED, AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED! AS SUCH?" I spread my arms invitingly. "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU RESIDE IN THE HEIGHTS OF HEAVEN!"
"OR IF YOU DWELL WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"
I snapped my finger down, pointing straight at Attach's camera as I held the mic to my mouth, the biggest damn grin plastered on my face.
"ALL AT ONCE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Soundbite and I roared in tandem. "LET'S ROCK!"
And as the whole of the party roared their approval all at once, I caught sight of a single flash in all of the chaos and I allowed myself a victorious fist pump.
I was about to get down and rejoin Robin…
"COME ON GUYS, SOMEONE HELP—! Oh, hey, Cross, is that a sword on your back?" Luffy stopped mid-run in front of me, pointing at—!
I grinned ecstatically at the glorious opportunity that had just been presented to me.
"Oh, yeah, almost forgot! HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?" I called out, garnering the crew's attention to me. I then drew Funkfreed, tossed him behind my shoulder…
"BAROOOH!"
"WOOHOO!" I cheered as a trunk grabbed my midsection and lifted me onto the pachyderm's back. I laughed eagerly as I waved my arms at everyone. "I GOT AN ELEPHANT! SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SWORD, FUNKFREED!"
"Hiya, guys!" said sword said, waved his trunk politely.
Nami only allowed herself to gape for a moment before snapping her mouth shut and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead. "Why on earth am I even surprised at this point?"
"Hell if I know," Zoro said, rolling his eyes. "Personally, I say you should have seen it coming. We were actually overdue for Cross bringing another animal into the crew by this point."
Vivi swapped her gaze between the elephant I was riding and Carue scrambling away as fast as possible before marching over to the nearest bar she could find. "Jack, straight up, now."
"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry cheered ecstatically above the roar of the crowd. "I LOVE THIS CREW SO DAMN MUCH!"
And so it all continued, no less rambunctious to the end of the night. From the elevated platform where Usopp was singing, the meat-eating contest between Luffy and the giants, a large population of animals stopping by for the sake of being able to talk, and the messy results of the Dugongs trying to splash Funkfreed (two-ton elephant cannonballing into a tiny-ass pool equals huge-ass splash), the winding down was a very gradual process.
In the end, however, the embers of the barbecue died out, and most everyone was slumbering with full bellies and smiles as darkness fell over the island. Heck, I was even about to join them! I'd found a comfortable place to lie down and sleep the night away, and I was just about to doze off—
CHOMP!
"YEOW, SONNUVA—!" When, of course, I was snapped awake by the damn pest riding shotgun on my shoulder deciding to nom on my neck for no good reason. "What the hell, you little—!?"
"Incoming half-decent FEATHER-RAT," he interrupted, his expression grim. Or disgusted, either or.
"I guess I should take that as a compliment, huh? Certainly better than what I got before."
"Eh—Oh!" I jerked upright as a familiar voice snagged my attention. "Hey, Coo!" I waved at the casual-clad News Coo as he perched on a nearby table. "Long time no squawk. What brings you to this particular stretch of sea?" I stiffened as a thought struck me. "Please tell me the Government isn't ruining another of our crewmates' lives! Or, well…" I cast a surreptitious glance at a certain snoozing cyborg. "You know what I mean."
"Nah, nah, nothing like that, Cross," the albatross reassured me with a wave of his wing, fishing a bundle of paper out of his bag with the other. "This time, I'm fairly certain everything I'm passing you is fairly self-evident. Or at least, nothing that directly affects your crew. But the printers are charging about ten times the normal rate for this special edition they're burning the presses for, so I thought I'd give you a wing." He ha—er, winged the paper over to me. "But if anyone asks—!"
"I got it from a gull in a trenchcoat, dun' worry about it," I said as I started to open the paper and wave him off, before freezing as a thought struck me. "Ah, by the way, while I have you… you happen to run any delivery routes that pass through Navarone by any chance?"
"Nah, not recently," Coo shook his head in denial. "Matter of fact, I've been haggling to get more pirate ships than anything. After what you've been saying, well…" He glanced to the side with a grimace. "It just seems safer is all."
"D'oh…" I thwacked a hand to my forehead. "I didn't expect that to fall under negative consequences of what I did… ugh. Well, see if you can hang at least one visit to Navarone. It'd be for a good cause, and I can vouch for the Marines there."
Coo blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But for now, I've gotta get back. They see I'm missing and decide to run inventory, my ass is as good as plucked and roasted. I guess I'll see you next time you make the big news." He cocked his eyebrow at me with a smirk. "Meaning in about a month, two at most?"
"You know us so well," Soundbite sneered back.
The albatross grinned cheekily as he saluted, then began flapping away.
"Good to see him again," I mused before turning my attention to my little literary preview I'd been gifted. "Anyways, let's see, where to start…"
"HEY, CHECK IT!" Soundbite whooped eagerly, waving his eyestalk at a packet of papers in the folds. "OUR BOUNTIES! Damn, that shutterbug works fast! COME ON, I WANNA SEE just how steamed the high and holy asshats are!"
"In a second, in a second, keep your shell on," I waved him off as I set the papers aside. "I'm curious too, but let me check the rest of this thing first, alright? I'll check them out if there isn't anything more impo—oh holy SHITE!" I snapped to my feet as I hastily read over the passage that had caught my eye. "Oooooh… ohohoooh, this… this has potential."
"THE HELL ARE YOU—!?" I pointed out the article and he read a few lines in before mirroring my grin. "You're right! Screw bounties, this is way more important!"
"My thoughts exactly," I nodded in agreement as I stored the paper back in my coat and started walking out of the enclosure. "Wake the other three—sorry, four, and tell them to meet me in the street. This is gonna be good."
Four bodies promptly jerked awake, and slowly got to their feet, Zoro carrying Merry on his shoulder as they staggered towards me.
"Morning, sleeping beauties!" I greeted them with a cheerful wave. "I take it you all slept we—?"
"Shut it."
"—grk!" I choked as my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth.
"Well, at least that still works…" Vivi muttered acridly as she kneaded the bridge of her nose before shooting a glare at me. "Cross, let me be clear here: I am currently weathering a hangover which you caused. This had better be damn good."
I whimpered when she suddenly snapped her Cutter's chain taut between her fists.
"Or else. Now talk…" Vivi narrowed her eyes before snapping them wide in alarm. "About what you brought us here for! Damn, that was close."
I sighed in relief as I got control of my tongue back before allowing myself a smirk. "How does another meeting with CP9 sound to you guys?"
That shocked the sleep straight out of them.
"Seriously!?" Merry demanded indignantly. "Those bastards are actually hankering for a round two after you already punted their asses to the curb?"
"Guess we'll just have to do it again…" Nami scowled, the clouds around her starting to darken and crackle.
"Nah, nah, nothing like that," I waved them off casually. "They haven't had any medical treatment in two days, so they're still about as bad off as we left them. All they're planning to do is pass us by while walking down the sea-train tracks."
Zoro cocked his eyebrow at me as he released Kitetsu's hilt. "Then what the hell do you want us for?"
I smirked as I withdrew and unfolded the newspaper. "Because I'd prefer to have some measure of backup with me to deter them from doing anything stupid after they read this."
My crewmates leaned in and read the article I was tapping. Then they stared up at me with a combination of shock, horror, disbelief and, in Merry's case, eagerness.
"You cannot be serious," Vivi announced.
My smirk widened all the more.
"Oh, good God, he is," Nami said, paling in horror.
"I really love this crew…" Merry sighed joyfully.
The waters running by Water 7 were as placid as they could be on the Grand Line, the Sea Train that ruled the local seas slumbering in its rail yard and nothing bigger than a human disturbing the natural ebb and flow of the waves. Even the Sea Train tracks were stable enough that anyone with sea legs could walk on them reliably… which, as it happened, was exactly what was breaking the calm of the ocean on the borderline between night and day.
To anyone who had recently started serving at Enies Lobby, there was a certain fact of life that would come as an immediate surprise: The Watchdog Unit of the Law may have worked well in conjunction with their riders, and the watchdogs and their riders might have both hearkened to the command of Judge Baskerville, but the one who commanded and tamed the hounds in the first place was Jabra of CP9.
And of equal astonishment, despite the irritability and insubordination that he often displayed as a direct result of his chief, his rival, and his subordinates, the wolf-man also housed a relatively tranquil side that he had passed on to his 'trainees'. Ruthlessness to enemies, yes, but staunch loyalty to allies… whenever his or their bloodlust didn't overcome his pack instinct, at any rate.
Granted, this pack loyalty didn't extend to the many faceless Marines and agents that cycled through the island and treated it like a vacation spot, but it did pertain to their original master and his allies… however often said allies tended to shoot stink-eyes at each other.
And so it was that fifty white wolves padded through the twilight, some carrying other packmembers on their backs, while others supported the agents to whom they had sworn their lives, and subsequently gathered from their places of defeat.
Kalifa, Fukuro, and Kumadori were managing to stiffly march amidst their ranks, while Blueno and Jabra were limping along, supported on both sides by a pair of wolves. However, not all of the agents were quite so well off, and as such Kaku and Lucci were being dragged along on a pair of cots hitched to some wolves, the one barely awake and the other utterly comatose, his pet pigeon drunkenly wobbling on his chest. Their long march had been silent from the moment that Enies Lobby, their ruined home, fell out of their sight. And only now did it break.
"We'll be passing Water 7 soon," Kalifa observed quietly.
"Almost makes me feel wistful," Kaku muttered as he angled the brim of his hat over his eyes.
"I'll admit it wouldn't be unpleasant to go—oh, honestly?" Hattori began before cutting himself off with a groan, causing all present to freeze.
"…Watchdogs, keep moving," Jabra growled.
"Yes, Boss Jabra," the wolves chorused as the company began moving again.
"Alright, and now before anyone gets it into their heads to panic," the Wolf-Zoan bit out. "You all said that that pest Soundbite could be do this subconsciously, right?" He got a nod in response. "Good, that means we're still fine for now. So keep your shit cool, your heads down, and let's get past this place before anyone—!"
"YOU REALLY THINK you're that lucky?"
The watchdogs froze, cowering in terror.
"Oh, for the love of God…" Kalifa groaned wearily.
"NO LOVE, only wrath. NOW GET A MOVE ON, we're waiting for you at the Blue Station."
Fukuro tugged nervously on his zipper. "Ah… not that I'm in any way utterly terrified of the concept of running into that crew and their devil-seadog again, but is there… any way past Water 7 that doesn't involve us running into them?"
Blueno hung his head, groaning. "Considering how there's only the one line besides the railyard at Water 7, and the snail will most likely blast my eardrums if it hears an Air Door? Unless you'd all like to take a swim…"
"Let's just take our lumps as they come," Kaku groaned as he waved his hand in defeat. "Best case scenario? Cross rips the bloodhound a new one."
Jabra snarled darkly at the giraffe-man, but he motioned the wolves forward.
The already-tense air around the group grew fit to snap as they approached Water 7, the marching a solemn and nihilistic action on account of the self-evident fate that awaited them.
As the Blue Station steadily came into view, the grinding of Jabra's teeth became increasingly audible, and as they caught sight of none other than Jeremiah Cross himself sitting on the edge of the platform, his legs kicking about casually in the void, said grinding was interrupted by a very audible snap and growl. And Jabra would have most likely tried to take Cross's head off too, were it not for the trio of crewmates looming behind him with their weapons at the ready, with a fourth child-sized one perched on Roronoa's shoulder and somehow looking as menacing as the rest of them.
Cross perked his head up at the snap, shooting a thoroughly aggravating grin at the assassins. "Ahhh, hello there, assassins! Enjoying a lovely night stroll, eh?"
"SIGNS and stench POINT TO—!"
"Can we please just skip ahead to whatever the hell your point is, chapapaaaarghhh…" Fukuro interrupted with a pained groan as he massaged his skull. "Forty-eight hours later and my head is still ringing like a bell…"
"Not in the mood for my antics, hmm?" he chuckled, shrugging as he waved his hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, I'll go ahead and get to the point: In a nutshell, we're here to make a demonstration of what happens to enemies of ours such as you. Juuust so that there's no mistakes or misunderstandings about our modus operandi, ya know?"
Almost half of the group swallowed heavily at that, including Kalifa, but she steeled her back and glared him dead in the eye, albeit with a slight shiver when the clouds looming above them rumbled ominously. "B-Before you do… whatever it is you plan to do, I have to know one thing: how did you know about my Devil Fruit? Our Devil Fruits?" She swung her arm back at Kaku. "Not even the most famed and accomplished of clairvoyants has ever been able to discern the nature of an unrecorded Devil Fruit, and yet you identified two at once without ever even seeing them. How… How is that possible?"
Cross blinked in surprise before slowly letting his grin take on a menacing undertone. "As Kaku said way back when—ya know, when I utterly ruined five years of deep cover work?" The pirate's smirk widened as several of the assassins twitched. "I've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of my knowledge, Kalifa. I know a lot of things that, by all accounts, are utterly impossible for me to know."
"Things that were… things that are… and some things… that have not yet come to pass," Soundbite sneered in a deep feminine voice that emanated age and wisdom.
"Allow me to demonstrate," Cross continued, tilting his head to the side just so. "The reason you guys are running all the way out here, tails between your legs—some offence—" He directed the comment at the Watchdogs, causing several dozen to start growling. At least, until Soundbite snarled back, reducing them to whimpers. "Is that the Marines started combing through the wreckage of Enies looking for you guys. And they were not doing it for your benefit, were they?"
The assassins shared nervous glances before Jabra responded with a snarl. "Yeah? What the hell of it, you two-bit piece of—?"
"The reason I bring it up," Cross flatly interrupted, all amusement wiped from his face. "Is that I can fill in the blanks you no doubt have. See, after a debacle of these proportions and with us nice and missing, the World Government needed a hide to pin the mess on. Now, I've already guaranteed that they're taking their metric ton of flesh from Spandam, but for something on this scale? It's just nowhere near enough." Cross withdrew a roll of paper from his jacket and tossed it to Kumadori. "That's where you come in."
The kabuki-styled assassin blinked at the newspaper in his hands before unfolding it and giving it a quick scan… which he swiftly followed up with a gasp. "YOYO—WHAT THE HELL!?"
"Eh? What is it, what is it? Something juicy?" Fukuro nearly squealed, bouncing up and down in an effort to catch sight of whatever it was his comrade was reading.
"You could say that," Cross mused casually as he made a show of examining the bandages where his fingernails used to be. "That newspaper, which is currently being rush-printed and will be spread across the world come morning, has your names, faces, alternate names and faces, and capabilities spread all over it."
That caused each and every one of the assassins to stiffen in shock and horror.
"…what?" Blueno gaped numbly.
"To summarize," Cross continued unhindered. "They're pinning everything on you and your so-called 'incompetence', and have done everything but put bounties on your heads." The pirate looked up, pinning them with a frigid glare. "You all are no longer members of Cipher Pol Number 9 because the World Government has disavowed each and every last one of you, including the legendary Rob Lucci."
"In a word?" Soundbite smiled frigidly. "You've BEEN BURNED. And when you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. Bottom line: As long as you're burned, you're not going anywhere."
"Heh, nice," Cross chuckled, holding his hand up to Soundbite who eagerly responded with an eye-five.
Fukuro and Kumadori were gaping almost comically, while Kalifa and Blueno looked utterly devastated and Jabra looked fit to rear back and howl, the wolves beside him attempted to console him. And Hattori, for his part, just looked straight-up disgusted.
Finally, Kaku gathered enough strength to lean up on his cot and direct a stare with something very close to hatred at the pirate. "Is that why you came here? It's not enough that you were responsible for all of this, but you have to rub it in our faces and kick us while we're down? Is that the punishment we've earned for what we did to Nico Robin and the rest of your crew?" he asked frigidly.
The other assassins slowly broke out of their stupors to match Kaku's glare.
"Mmm…" Cross tapped his chin in clearly exaggerated thought before shrugging indifferently, entirely unaffected by the sheer force of hate being directed at him. "Nah, that's stupid. After all, you guys aren't our enemies anymore, right?"
That brought the assassins up short, causing them to blink at him in confusion.
"Ah… come again?" Hattori slowly raised his wing in askance. "Come again?"
"Well, sure!" Cross nodded sagely. "Two days ago, we fought each other practically to the death because you lot were all tools of the World Government, following your orders to the letter with dogged persistence and loyalty. But now, the World Government's dropped you all like yesterday's garbage! Know what that makes all of you to us?"
"…nobodies?" Jabra guessed with a snarl.
"Close!" Cross chirped as he dropped his chin onto his fists, his expression serene and casual… up until he cracked open an eye full of menace. "You're a bunch of highly-trained and dangerous nobodies who are now out of an employer, and are now in need of a new one."
Fifty jaws hit the tracks, while seven stiffened furiously. "And you're thinking of filling that position, then?" Kaku asked suspiciously.
"Meh, after a fact." Cross waved his hand carelessly before reaching into his jacket. "Ah, before I forget; here, catch." He withdrew an envelope and flung it out to them.
Fukuro caught it and took a single glance inside before reeling in shock. "What the—?!"
"Severance pay for Lucci, courtesy of Iceburg, plus Kaku and Kalifa's. I never got the chance to give it to you at Enies. It should be more than enough to cover your needs for the immediate future. As for long-term…" Cross rolled his finger a bit, prompting Fukuro to draw out a small slip of paper. "I'd suggest you call that there number once you're all free and clear. Trust me, it'll be worth your while. Hell!" He spread his arms invitingly. "I bet you'll wonder whether or not you ever left your previous job.
"…What exactly are you saying, Cross?" Blueno inquired suspiciously.
Cross's smile jerked upwards. "Simply this: You've all dedicated your lives to serving the World Government's justice, and while they have found your results to be lacking, I still see merit in them. As such, I'm offering you all a new justice to follow, one that should, with any luck, prove to be far more appreciative of your time and effort. But hey!" He folded his arms behind his head and started carelessly swaying side to side. "It's just that: an offer. Right now, you have the power and the freedom to make your own path, however and wherever you so choose. Just consider this… a peace offering; after all, if your former allies are now your enemies, why not consider making your former enemies your allies?"
"And you honestly expect us to believe that you'd aid us all so freely after we tried to kill you all?" Hattori asked incredulously.
"What are you, stupid or something?" the girl on Roronoa's shoulder chuckled. "Vivi tried to kill us all within twenty-four hours of meeting us, Nami faked killing Usopp in the East Blue, Sanji and Zoro try to kill each other on a daily basis, and Robin tried to kill Cross within ten minutes of meeting him!"
"Everybody tries to kill everybody! It's how we communicate ON THIS CREW!" Soundbite grinned.
"Hell!" Cross threw his hands up with a laugh. "It's how everybody communicates in the Grand Line! It's only when you actually kill someone that there's problems! But, ah, seriously, if it'll help…" Cross waved his hand before his face with a sheepish smile. "I've already tried the whole 'kick 'em while they're down' routine awhile back. Did not end well for me, still hasn't ended yet and I doubt it will for awhile. Trust me, I've learned my lesson: revenge is a bitch on both parties, so…"
He clapped his hands together before his wide smile. "Just trust me on this, m'kay? Because really, now… what exactly do you have besides your lives and the clothes on your backs to lose?"
The assassins exchanged looks for the next minute, an unspoken conversation passing between them. Finally, Kaku responded.
"Pfheheheh…" I chuckled as I watched the large party march off into the distance. "Quite the creative fellow, isn't he?"
"And why exactly are you so chipper?" Nami cocked her eyebrow questioningly as she rested her staff across her shoulders. "Last time I checked, a good negotiation doesn't end when one party cusses out the other."
"Save that that was all they did…" Vivi mused as she followed my line of sight.
"Eh?"
"They didn't toss out the number, witch," Zoro grunted as he dug a pinkie in his ear. "And if they didn't do it now, I'd bet they're not going to do it later."
Nami processed that, blinking rapidly before crossing her arms as she finally turned to watch them. "…Well, how about that… Still, though." She glanced at me uncertainly. "You really think it's a good idea to recruit them?"
"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Merry shrugged as she slid off of Zoro's shoulder and ambled over to our navigator. "Seriously, what? They betray us? To who? They seek out revenge? They might be jobless, but they're still pros. They prove to be incompetent? We already know they aren't. There's no downside!"
"Admittedly, Lucci could prove to be something of a problem, the bastard is headstrong if nothing else…" I muttered as I rolled my shoulders, popping a few sleepy joints. "But meh, I trust it'll all work out in the end. At the very least, there's no shame in trying."
"Well, when you put it like that…" Nami shrugged as she finally allowed her clouds to lighten up a bit.
"Glad to hear that you approve. Now then, let's—ah!" I started to push myself to my feet, but I paused as a ray of light lanced its way into my eye, forcing me to snap my hand up with a wince. "Geeze, what the—!?…oh. Well, now…" I slowly trailed off as I sat back down, my gaze set dead ahead on the horizon. "Ain't that a helluva sight…"
And damn well it was. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and Paradise was doing its darnedest to earn its title. You ever seen a dawn so beautiful you're just left speechless? Because damn… they don't come often.
"Heh…" Vivi chuckled lightly as she folded her arms before her chest, casually tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It has been awhile since I've actually taken the time to get up and watch it… Now I see what I've been missing."
"Tch," Zoro scoffed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's just a sunrise, nothing special." Nonetheless, we could all hear the grin in his voice.
"Oh, shut up and enjoy the scenery, mosshead," Nami chirped cheerfully, her clouds flicking about casually as she swayed back and forth on her heels.
"Eh, personally I'm of two minds," Merry sighed as she plopped herself in my lap and started kicking her legs thoughtfully. "On the one hand, I'm human now, so I need to sleep, meaning that I won't always be able to watch the sunrise like before…"
"BUUUUT?" Soundbite queried.
Merry tilted her head back and grinned eagerly. "But! Now I can share it with all of you, and that makes this worth it!"
I smiled endearingly as I leaned forwards and rested my chin on her head.
"Yeah…" I whispered, watching the sun peek over the horizon without so much as a speck of worry for the future.
And so my friends and I, a mere fraction of my family, watched a new day dawn together.
"Yeah, it does."
And so life was good.
A relatively fair distance away from Water 7, Admiral Aokiji peered out of a porthole below the deck of his battleship at that selfsame sunrise with no small amount of melancholy.
The Admiral continued to contemplate the sunrise even as he naturally went about his task, frosty breath exhaling from his mouth and stretching from corner to corner of the insulated room he was in and dropping the temperature to subzero temperatures.
It was an odd order, to be sure, but Aokiji could see the logic behind it, however twisted. In the end, the actions he was taking would ensure the the optimal outcome for the sentence of the World Government's latest prisoner.
For all that he could see the logic, however, Aokiji could not help but harbor doubts after the events of Enies Lobby, but neither could he find the wherewithal to disobey his orders. As such, he dutifully went about his task of renewing the room's cryogenic temperatures before exiting the customized cell.
On his way out, however, he took notice of one of the guards outside snapping his head away in order to hide a grimace.
Aokiji considered him for a moment before sighing as he scratched the back of his skull. "Speak your mind, Marine," the admiral drawled. "I'm not Akainu."
The guard stiffened at being discovered, but after a moment's debate he slowly turned to look his vastly superior officer in the eye with a gaze full of doubt. "This—" he began hoarsely. He coughed and swallowed, and tried again. "Sir, with all due respect, this is… this is not a good idea. More than that, it's… It's foolhardy, stupid even. After everything Jeremiah Cross said on the SBS, with everything going on right now, for us to do… to do this?" The soldier shook his head in denial. "I… this, this could destroy the Marines, sir."
Aokiji silently stared at the guard before shaking his head with another sigh. "Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with you, soldier, and if I could I'd cut him loose here and now… but unfortunately, the orders came down from above my paygrade, so that's a no-can-do."
"B-But surely if you brought it up with Fleet Admiral—!"
"Came down from above Sengoku's head too," Aokiji continued grimly. "And Kong's, to boot."
The guard's words died in his throat as he contemplated those words, and after a moment he slowly turned his head to stare at the freezer door in despair. "Why… Why would they do this, sir?"
"Mmm…" Aokiji scratched at his temple contemplatively. "From what I've heard… they had a plan."
"S-Sir?"
"An old plan," the frigid admiral continued, slowly striding to a nearby wall and sinking down into a sitting position with his elbows rested on his legs. "One they'd had on the backburner for awhile. They were always going to enact it, they were just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. But now…" Aokiji's brow furrowed darkly. "After all that's happened? After the Darkest Day in the History of the World? Apparently… the plan has been changed."
"C-Changed… changed how?"
"Well, before? He," Aokiji nodded at the door. "Was the endgame of it all. The one true objective and piece they needed. But now…" The Chilly-man jerked his thumb downwards. "Now he's been demoted to a mere lynchpin. Important and optimal, sure, but ultimately replaceable. They're merely using him for some other goal. Something grander than what they had in mind before… something worse."
The guard stared at the admiral for a few seconds as he processed that before swallowing heavily. "But… But, sir… People… people are going to die for this plan to succeed…" The man walked to the freezer door, slid open a peephole in the metal, and gazed inside.
"What could possibly justify those deaths? What good could possibly come…" he breathed as he watched the young man slumber within, both on account of the cold and the IV stuck in his arm, a necklace of red beads the only clothing he wore above the waist. "From executing Fire Fist Ace?" He then glanced to the side, eyeing the other two sleeping prisoners with unease. "Not to mention imprisoning Maelstrom Spider Squardo and Ice Witch Whitey Bay?"
Aokiji sighed heavily and made to answer…
"Zehahaha! More than you'd think, little man!"
Only to snap his jaw shut with a barely suppressed snarl when the voice of the newest bane of his existence suddenly grated on his ears. The ice-man glared icicles at the staircase the large figure had descended from. "Blackbeard," he bit out.
"Zehahahahaaa! Awww, c'mon, Aokiji, call me Teach!" Marshall D. Teach laughed uproariously as he entered the room, an audibly halfway-drunk bottle hanging from his hand as he shot a leer at the Admiral. "After all… we are friends, ain't we?"
Aokiji's scowl deepened as his hands snapped into fists, frost swiftly starting to coat his limbs. "We are not friends, Blackbeard."
"Ooooh, but ain't we?" The odious pirate's grin widened malevolently. "Because no matter how you cut it, I do owe you for making all of this possible! That makes you a friend in my book, zehahaha! And as for you!" He snapped his attention back to the guard before Aokiji could respond. "To answer your question…" He snapped his finger up at the door. "I'll have you know that that brat's life is worth more than this entire ship in gold! And his death even moreso… so long as it's carried out properly! ZEHAHAHAHAAAA!"
The guard swallowed heavily as he backed away from the imposing pirate. "I-Is that so?"
"You got that right, bub!"
"GAH!" The Marine stiffened in horror when Blackbeard suddenly slung his far larger arm over the man's shoulders and pulled him close, invading his senses with his rancid breath.
"And believe me, I should know…" Marshall D. Teach grinned maliciously. "After all, I used his life to buy not only my life, but the lives of my crew and my position as a Warlord of the Seas to boot! Ain't that right…"
The Darkness-human slowly turned his smile on the frosted-over admiral in the room.
"Aokiji?"
Kuzan's grimace deepened as he cast his mind back to what the bastard before him was referencing to.
The exact moment when he'd been forced to sell what little of his soul remained to the devil.
The moment he'd saved Blackbeard's life.
"Hooo…" Admiral Aokiji sighed out a misty breath as he contemplated what remained of the island around him. "Might have overdone it a bit. Sengoku's not gonna let me hear the end of this…"
Currently, the admiral and the well-bundled soldiers alongside him were in the process of combing through the icy wasteland that Banaro Island had become. The reason for the recent climate-reassignment was on account of garbled reports coming in that a pair of powerful pirate crews had been tearing apart the island over the course of a full day. And indeed, upon approaching the island, they'd been treated to the sight of an extremely violent fight ripping the land apart, all while a behemoth of a ship rained hot lead upon the field of combat.
Normally, Aokiji would have spared some measure of restraint or caution in subduing the aggressors, but the fact was that he simply didn't have the time; in the wake of Enies Lobby's destruction, this cataclysm was just one of many, many such crises raging across the world. As such, the best he could do was end matters as swiftly and cleanly as possible.
This logic, combined with the knowledge that the island's civilians had long since evacuated the surrounding waters, lead to a single inescapable conclusion: an Ice Age, massive in scale, to simply freeze each and every pirate where they stood. Now all they had to do was locate their frozen bodies and either arrest them or eliminate them, depending on how troublesome they were. Nice and eas—
"S-Sir!" a Baby Transponder Snail being carried by one of Aokiji's men suddenly squawked up. "I-I found someone!"
"Finally…" the ice-man sighed in relief. "Can you identify them?"
"Ah… n-not quite sir… h-he won't give me his name."
That brought Aokiji up short. "A…run that by me again, soldier?"
"I-I, ah… h-h-he's in sector 5, sir. Y-You're gonna wanna come and see this yourself."
With no small amount of curiosity, the lazy admiral moved in the direction of the sector indicated Someone had managed to evade his Ice Age? Well, if they had a bird Zoan or if they'd been off the ground at the time by some other means, they may have escaped the cold wave.
The man he soon saw, however, was decidedly not a bird. Rather, he was a fat, hairy, and supremely large apelike man with missing teeth and clothes entirely ill-suited for the climate, sitting cross-legged in a large circle of snow, his arms crossed and frost starting to accumulate on his body as he shivered with obvious discomfort.
While the man's presence and unfrozen state was concerning in and of itself, there was another factor of the scene that held Aokiji's attention: The man was sitting in the middle of a circle of snow. Not ice.
Aokiji's men each took a nervous step back as the ambient temperature around their superior nosedived, the layers of frost on his body expanding as he took a step forward. "Who the hell are you?" the Admiral demanded.
The man kept his head bowed, shivering, before finally raising his gaze, the ice on his neck snapping from the movement. "A-A-Admiral A-A-Aokiji…" he bit out painfully, his expression one of grim determination. "G-G-Good… t-t-that's good… T-The Elder Stars… I need you… to call the Elder Stars… Y-Y-You have their number… r-r-right?"
Aokiji tensed at the demand, his mind flying as he tried and failed to reason out the logic behind what he was hearing. "And while the hell should I—?"
"I-I-I have his s-s-son."
"…what?" Aokiji finally asked after a long moment of confused silence.
"I-I-I said…" the man stuttered out through his chattering teeth. "I-I-I have his s-s-son. T-T-Tell them that. T-T-Tell them… and t-t-they'll want to talk to m-m-me."
The Admiral stared silently at the man before shooting a glance at the man in his squad who was carrying the adult Snail. "Get me the Elder Stars, ASAP. Priority one."
The soldier was quick to draw out the snail and punch in the number. The gastropod only rang for once before it adopted a stern expression. "Admiral. What are you—?"
"I-I-I have his son."
The snail stiffened before slowly turning to face the speaker. "What was that?" it quietly but firmly demanded.
The shivering man snorted as he stared at the snail dead in the eyes. "M-M-My name…" he grit out. "I-I-Is Marshall D. Teach. Y-You would know me better as Blackbeard. And I have his son."
Aokiji stiffened at the man's middle initial, but the most powerful men in the world remained stern.
"How do we know you're telling the truth?"
"R-R-Rouge," Teach replied without hesitation.
The snail fell silent before biting out a 'tsk'. "What do you want?"
"Y-Y-You know what I w-w-want."
There was another moment of silence before the snail narrowed its eyes. "We could just take him."
"N-No, y-you couldn't…" Teach slowly shook his head in grim denial. "I-I-It's taking every ounce of c-c-concentration I have to k-k-keep them all i-i-intact. I-I-If I die, o-o-or lose my f-f-focus, then they'll be lost to the d-d-darkness. And if he d-d-dies here, then it means n-n-nothing."
Later on, Aokiji would not be ashamed to admit that he flinched when Teach leaned forward, so as to better glare at the snail. "You don't," he breathed malevolently. "Have a damn choice."
For a few minutes, even the winds themselves seemed to silence themselves as the world held its breath. And then…
The Five Elder Stars sighed in defeat. "As of this moment," one of them bit out grimly. "We the Five Elder Stars hereby deem Marshall D. Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', as Crocodile's replacement for the World Government's sanctioned pirate task force, the Seven Warlords of the Sea, effective immediately."
Aokiji felt a lance of existential terror shoot through him at the exact same instant that a massive grin spread across Teach… no, Blackbeard's face.
"S-Sirs, with all due respect—!" the Admiral started hastily.
"The decision has been made, Admiral." The Elder Stars cut him off. "Your orders are to escort Blackbeard to your ship and take Fire Fist Ace into custody. This is your only priority now, Admiral. Do we make ourselves clear?"
"But, sirs—!"
"Do we make ourselves clear, Admiral Aokiji?"
The ice-man flinched fearfully as he fought to keep himself conscious. "C-Crystal, sirs."
"Good. See to it. We'll contact you again at a later date with further instructions." And with that, the highest powers in the world hung up, leaving Aokiji alone with a monster.
Said monster chuckled darkly as he slowly made his way to his feet, frost and ice crackling off of him as he moved. "Zehahaha! Ahhh, m-man, that was a c-c-close one! I was almost c-c-completely certain that I was act-t-tually gonna die! Ace and his f-f-friends came this close to d-d-doing me and my boys in…" He directed his smirk at Aokiji. "B-B-But then you saved my a-a-ass with that wave of ice. F-F-Froze everyone else while I j-j-just took it in. H-H-Hurts like a b-b-bitch, but hey!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "I'm alive! A-A-And that's what counts. I-I-I owe you my life…"
Blackbeard strode forwards and slammed his hand down on Aokiji's shoulder, leaning his smile in close.
"Friend."
A full two days later, Aokiji was still cursing himself for letting the bastard live and he still dreaded every instant that he was in the man's presence. But even in spite of his revulsion, he couldn't help but ask a single question.
"Why?"
"Eh?" Blackbeard glanced over at the Admiral with a smirk. "Whazzat?"
"I asked you why, you damn bastard," Aokiji demanded venomously. "I looked up your Devil Fruit, Teach. My ice would have been burning your insides the entire time, including the ice of your crew and Ace and his comrades, and once he thawed your doctor treated you for frostbite on over seventy percent of your body. He had to reattach twelve different digits. I could hear you screaming the entire time, so I know that it hurt like hell. So why? Why go through all that pain? What's your goal?"
Blackbeard remained silent for a while as he stared at the Marine, before slowly grinning in response.
"You're right," he chuckled. "It did hurt. It hurt worse than getting shot by a Colt .96 sniper rifle, but less than getting flayed by prehensile razorwire. Ironically, it hurt about as much as getting burned alive by my old commander's hottest flames! Oooh trust me, I know pain, Admiral. I know pain like the back of my hand, and every time I meet it it never gets any easier. But ya know what!?"
He thumped a fist to his chest. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how much it all hurts, it doesn't matter what the world does to me, what it throws at me, because I can take it! I'll take it all, every bit of it, wherever and whenever it wants to try! No matter how much it makes me scream, I'll take it all, and then I'll laugh afterwards anyways! And you wanna know why?"
Aokiji practically froze up as darkness started roiling off the man, tongues of pure evil flickering from his body.
"It's simple, really…" he chuckled. "I'll take it all… because it's for the sake of my dream. No matter how much it hurts, I'll bear it so long as it means making my dream come true. And as for my dream… well."
The smile the frostburn-covered man bore did the impossible: it sent shivers down Aokiji's spine.
"Let me sum it up for you."
And so, with darkness roaring off of him like a twisted inferno, Marshall D. Teach proudly proclaimed the sentence that would fill Admiral Aokiji with nothing less than existential despair… and would haunt him for the rest of his life.
"I AM THE MAN… WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHAHA! ZEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!"
Patient AN: …the harder they fall.
"Ooooh, I wouldn't quite say that…" I muttered as I turned the page on the book I was reading, keeping an eye on Soundbite's snoring shell all the while.
"Eh?" Kokoro blinked at me in confusion. "The heck do ya mean? He's clearly moving!"
"Take a look at his face, Granny," Lassoo yawned languidly.
"What are ya…" Kokoro slowly trailed off as she processed the clear and present nose-bubble Luffy was snoring out. "…He's asleep?"
"Luffy learned how after Alabasta because he never wanted to miss that many meals after a fight again," Sanji sighed in defeat as he placed yet another platter of food in the rubber-man's reach. "Credit where it's due, at least it's keeping him busy."
"And it's actually aiding in Luffy's recovery as well…" Chopper mused from his own bed, where he was splitting his attention between a number of papers arrayed before him that he was alternating between writing on and poring over. "After all, he's ingesting a good amount of nutrients for his body that his metabolism is putting to good use, all while getting the rest he needs. It's certainly better than merely strapping him down and waiting, which would undoubtedly result in a longer resting period."
Kokoro stared warily at Chopper before sending me a nervous look, and I responded with a helpless shrug. "He hasn't actually done anything yet other than work, so…"
Chimney, meanwhile, had ambled up to Chopper and was looking at his papers with wide-eyed eagerness. "Whatcha workin' on, Mister Reindeer?"
"I'm—argh, wait a second…" Chopper leaned back from the papers, groaning as he rubbed his eyes. "Four minutes, thirty-six seconds. Marginal, but progress is progress. Anyway, to answer your question…" The human-Zoan waved his hoof over the papers. "Over the course of my fight with Kumadori, I managed to pump him for information on the biofeedback he was utilizing. Now, granted, there are some…" He spun his hoof helplessly as he tried to come up with the words. "Translation errors, due to the excessive usage of metaphors and whatnot used to describe it, but I still managed to get some valuable information, which I transcribed, interpreted, and am now extrapolating upon using my own research."
"Oooooh…" Chimney nodded slowly. "So, why ya doin' it?"
"Because," Chopper grinned eagerly as he leaned forward, a glimmer appearing in his eyes, yes, but this one was entirely natural and healthy. "I think I'm approaching a breakthrough. Using what I have and what's been given to me, I truly believe that I can compose a treatise that extrapolates upon methods through which Zoan-users like myself can deliberately manipulate the… polymorphic… nature of…" The human-reindeer slowly trailed off before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't understand even a word of what I'm talking about, do you?"
"No, no, I do, I do!" Chimney smiled and nodded eagerly. "You're doing mystery research, right?"
THUNK!
"Not another one…" the reindeer moaned as he repeatedly thunked his forehead against his bed's backboard.
Chimney blinked in confusion before hiding her giggle behind her hands. "Mister Reindeer is funny!"
"Yeah, he'sh a real funny guy!" Gonbe snickered in agreement.
Kokoro looked just a tad befuddled at the interplay between the two relative youngsters before sweeping her attention over the rest of the room. "And what about the rest of—gack!" The station mistress flinched back in shock when her gaze alighted upon Nami, who was slumped over on a table and sulking morosely, the air around her dark and gloomy. Literally, on account of the rain cloud that was hanging above her and drizzling its contents all over her. "What's her problem?!"
"Oh, no problem…" she sighed listlessly as she drew circles on the wood with her finger. "I've simply come to the realization that life isn't worth living, that's all. I'm just waiting for the world to… waste away."
"Ah…" Kokoro hesitated, grasping for something to say.
"There, there…" Conis sighed as she leaned over from where she and Usopp were tinkering on the same table, an umbrella over their heads, to rub Nami's back before shooting a grimace at Kokoro. "She's been like this for awhile now."
"Ah, I see…" Kokoro nodded in understanding. "I guess it must just be sinking in how big her bounty's gonna be, huh?"
Nami let out a pitiful moan at that.
"Nooot quite," Usopp muttered, not looking up from the shotgun he was scrutinizing.
"Eh?"
"See, to be more specific?" Su smirked as she peaked over Conis' shoulder. "She's been like this ever since Sodom and Gomorrah took Franky out for St. Poplar."
Nami moaned again, even louder.
Kokoro was silent for a bit before a massive sweatdrop hung from her head. "Waaaait a second… are you telling me she's like this because—!?"
"He took my mone-e-eeeey…" our navigator wept miserably. "Sooo much mone-e-eeeey…"
Kokoro stared at her for a moment longer before breaking out cackling. "Nagagagaga! I've lived on the Grand Line my entire life, and you guys still manage to surprise me, every hour on the hour! Forget warning you guys about the Florian Triangle, somebody should warn the Triangle about you!"
"Personally, I'd still like to hear whatever warnings you can offer, Granny Kokoro."
"Welcawm back, Vivi!" Carue waved from his bed.
"Oh, hey!" I glanced up over my book as I heard the door open. "Did the shipping go—woah!" I reeled back in shock at what I saw.
As expected, Vivi and Robin had just returned, safe and sound, and as I'd suspected, Robin was bearing the brunt of the load, both on a variety of arms and by literally having the rest walk along behind her. That was all perfectly normal.
What wasn't expected, however, was the sight of Robin using one of her arms to hold what appeared to be a cut of raw salmon over her eye.
"The heck's with you?" I queried incredulously. "Did fish become the new black when I wasn't looking?"
"I'll alert MILAN…" Soundbite muttered in his sleep.
"No, fashion hasn't become quite that eccentric yet," Robin chuckled sardonically before drawing the fish away, revealing a very impressive black eye. "It's just that salmon serves as an acceptable substitute when a rib-eye isn't immediately available."
"Robin-chwan!" Sanji cried in horror, sprinting over and hastily relieving her of her burdens. "What happened!? Who did this to you!? I'LL FRY THEM INTO BRISKET!" He capped the rant off by all but bursting into flames.
"Ooooh, I wouldn't worry about that," Vivi huffed darkly as she crossed her arms and glared at our archaeologist. "Honestly? I'd say that she deserved it!"
"Eh?" Sanji stared at the princess in shock. "What makes you say that, milady?"
"Her personal point of view, if I had to guess," Robin chuckled, sounding more amused than anything.
There was a moment of silence as we all processed both that statement and the way Vivi was looking everywhere but at Robin with a distinctly blushing face, and then…
"EEEEEH!?" Sanji reeled in shock, his jaw all but crashing to the ground.
"Oh, my…" Conis gasped demurely.
"Tseeheehee! Woo, you go, girl!" Su cheered. "Princesses gone wild!"
Lassoo cracked his eye open with a snort. "Why the hell's everyone so surprised? We all knew that this was gonna happen sooner or later."
"Maybe so," I conceded with a nod. "But still, this is a bit out of the blue! The heck brought this on?"
Apparently that was too much for Vivi, going by how her eye twitched and she rounded on Robin, stabbing an accusing finger at her. "You want to know why I did it!?" she snarled. "Easy! Somebody thought that it would be hilarious to give me a heart attack by up and ditching me in the middle of a crowded street without warning!"
There was yet another resounding silence before I cast a flat look at Robin. "Seriously?" I deadpanned only semi-incredulously.
Robin chuckled unapologetically as she returned the salmon to her eye. "I decided to try and cultivate my sense of humor. Is that so wrong?"
"I would suggest you start from scratch with a new one," Vivi bit out acridly. "Because this one's rotten." She then turned around made to walk back to her designated bed before freezing as she caught sight of Nami's continued sulking. She stared for a long second before directing a long-suffering look at me. "Dare I even ask?"
"Eh," I grunted, waving my hand side-to-side. "A bit of it is dread over her bounty, but for the most part? Post-partum depression from the loss of her beloved hoard."
"I was fine when it was for Merry's sake…" Nami sobbed miserably. "But now… 500 Million, just gone…"
Vivi stared at her again before pinching her nose with a sigh. "It's well past noon and it's still too early for this shit. Cross, would you—?" She cut herself off with a shake of her head. "Get me a drink, please."
I huffed in aggravation as I shut my book and got up from my bed. "Come on, princess," I berated her as I walked over to the fridge and withdrew a spare bottle of Cola. "You've been with us for months now, you should know how to do this for yourself. Or at least!" I twisted the cap off the bottle as I snapped my finger up. "Get your 'knight in shining armor' to do it for you, seeing as he loves it so much. But me?" I shook my head as I handed the bottle off to her. "I'm not doing it. At least try and learn to be a little independent, you know?"
Vivi smiled beatifically as she accepted the bottle from me. "Thank you, Cross, I'll take your words into consideration."
I nodded in satisfaction. At least, until she actually started drinking, at which point the whole situation and everyone's snickering registered with me. I glanced down at my hand incredulously before returning my wide-eyed look to Vivi. "Son of a bitch!" I barked, which got everyone actually laughing. "Will you stop doing that!? That got old after the third bout of rhyming this morning!"
"What can I say?" Vivi shrugged innocently. "Practice makes perfect!"
"And I can attest to the fact that she's had practice," Robin concurred with a smirk as she indicated her eye. "How else do you think she actually managed to land a hit on me?"
"Freaking Jedi mind trick bullshittery…" I grumbled out as I stomped back to my bed.
"Ah, that's better," Vivi sighed in satisfaction as she set down the bottle, eyeing our despondent navigator. "And now for her…" She sidled up to her and gently laid her hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Nami? I realize that you're really sad, but maybe you could try looking on the bright side of things?"
"What bright side…" Nami mumbled noncommittally.
"Weeell," Vivi drew the word out slowly. "I was personally thinking of our new carrying capacity? After all, besides the fact that the gold is going to our new ship, our new home, it's also going to be a much bigger ship. Meaning that the next time we come across something like that pillar on Skypiea—"
Nami's head immediately spun around to look at me with wide, watery eyes, of the type seen on puppies, cats, and little children trying to get a flamethrower for Christmas. "Will we come across something like that, Cross?" she whispered in awe.
I surreptitiously glanced away as my last request to Wiper shot through my mind. "There is a… decent chance of it?" I hedged in a neutral enough tone.
"Which means," Vivi picked back up. "That when we come into that much gold—!"
"WE'RE GONNA BE LOADED!"
"GAH!" Vivi yelped in panic when she suddenly found herself being pirouetted around the room by an ecstatically exuberant Nami.
"We're gonna be rich rich rich, richer than rich, the richiest of aaaaaall~!" Nami sang as she spun Vivi alongside her, dancing to and fro as she dragged Vivi through an impromptu ballet number.
"Wow, a picture perfect underarm turn," Usopp muttered blandly as we observed the spectacle.
That got a cocked eyebrow from Lassoo. "How the heck would you of all people know what that looks like?"
"Has someone got a ladyfriend waiting for them back home?" Su teased, prompting Usopp to flush and shove himself back into his work.
Meanwhile, Nami finished up with a final chorus of "Siiilver and gold, siiilver and gold, silver and gold gold GOLD!", upon which she finally tossed Vivi out into a final spin before devolving into Beri-eyed non-stop murmuring about being rich.
The princess, for her part, seemed like she had swallowed her weight in booze if the spirals her eyes had become and the way she was staggering around was anything to go by.
"Nooo, Daddy, I don't wanna learn ballet, Kohza would never let me hear the end of it," she slurred.
"But Miss Wednesday, we've already arranged Mr. 2 to teach you," Robin objected, visibly fighting laughter.
"Ugrgrr, tell him he can have Mr. 8, he likes crossdress—hold still."
Credit where it was due, Robin managed to sidestep Vivi's dizzied punch before it could slam into her nose, but the coolness of her act was swiftly ruined by her body locking up mid-motion, causing her to overbalance and faceplant. Aaand that was my breaking point.
"Pffhahahahaha!" I plopped back on my bed as I clutched my gut from laughing. "Ohohoh man! I just don't see how this day could get any better! Pfhahah—!"
"Ah, 'scuse me…" Yokozuna waved his arm through the window in an effort to get our attention. "I just have a question I would like to ask. I thought Merry was supposed to be staying with you, yes? Is she not in there with you?"
"—hahah—erk!" I choked myself off as I realized just what was coming.
SLAM!
"WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY!"
"Uh-oh," muttered most everyone in the room as a very familiar and very angry girl-ship limped into the room on her crutches, a storm of furious emotions swirling around her petite form.
That served to shake Vivi out of the rest of her dizziness, and she shot a concerned look Merry's way. "Wha—!? Merry, what's wrong!?"
The question caused Merry to freeze in her tracks. "What's… wrong?" she whispered slowly.
Once again, most of us flinched at the reaction.
"Heyah we go again…" Carue groaned miserably as he tensed in anticipation.
"What's wrong!? What's WRONG?!" the transmogrified caravel howled as she rounded on Vivi and flailed one of her crutches in her face. "EVERYTHING IS WRONG! I'm a rock in water, a cripple on land, and useless all around! I ate that fruit so that I wouldn't die, but instead all I've managed to do is land myself in my own personal hell!"
Vivi blinked in shock, too taken aback to react properly. "Ah—?"
Not even waiting for an answer, Merry swung her crutch out as she continued ranting. "What's the point of me being able to stay with you all if I can't even do anything? I wanted to go with you all on adventures, not lag behind and end up having to be protected from whatever happens! This isn't life! This isn't living! Why me, why me, why meee…" Merry trailed off into incoherent muttering and ranting as she started pacing back and forth in place.
Robin took the opportunity to get back to her feet and slide up close to me. "Care to explain?" she muttered.
"We managed to get Merry walking properly a few hours ago," Sanji leaned over and whispered back. "But right around then, I think the true weight of her transition finally hit her."
"Personally, I'm sure she'd be able to handle it relatively fine under normal circumstances," I hissed. "But if I had to guess, I'd say that the emotional instability of her prepubescent body isn't meshing well with the stress. Simply put, her stress and emotions have been periodically bursting out into wild tantrums like this one!"
"I see…" Robin mused as she tracked Merry as she shuffled about. "So, she rants and rages for a bit and then she calms down?"
I winced and shook my head grimly. "Noooot quite. See, during these episodes? Merry's been cycling through a little psychological phenomenon you might be familiar with known as the Five Stages of Grief. First there's Denial—"
"This can't be happening to me," Merry muttered fervently as she paced back and forth in place. "This isn't happening, not to me, not to me! I'm a good ship, I'm a good person, I refuse to believe it, I-I refuse!"
"Second is Anger."
"This is fucking bullshit! RAAAAGH!" Merry suddenly howled in outrage. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, DAMN IT ALL! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING LIVE! IS THAT SERIOUSLY SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR!?"
"Third is Bargaining."
"Ple-e-ease!" Merry flopped herself onto the nearest bed and started weeping almost comical streams of tears. "I'll do anything you want! I swear, I'll feed the homeless, I'll be nice to kids, I'll clean up my act wholesale, just fi-i-ix meeeee!"
"Fourth is Depression."
"WAAAAAAAAAH!"
"And finally, Accept—GRK!" I was cut off by a pair of hands suddenly grabbing my collar and yanking me down so that I was face-to-face with a thoroughly incensed tyke.
"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU RAGING BASTARD!" she spat murderously. "YOU DID THIS TO ME!"
"Though sometimes," Su snickered from behind her paw. "She also cycles right back around to anger!"
"Get! Her! Off!" I gagged fearfully.
"R-Right!" Conis yelped frantically, hastily darting forward and grabbing Merry off of me. "Merry, I'm so sorry about how things are right now, but please calm down! You're—!"
"CALM THIS!" THWACK!
"—GUGH!" Conis wheezed as a flailing heel swung into her gut and knocked the wind out of her, only just managing to keep her hold on the girl-ship. "Owowow… could someone help me please!?"
"Hm…" Chopper hummed thoughtfully without looking up from his work. "A sharp decrease in oxygen intake could serve to stabilize her mood."
Conis snapped her gaze up to Chopper with an offended gasp. "I am not putting Merry in a chokehold—GYEEP!" She stiffened abruptly when the caravel suddenly sank her teeth into her forearm and started gnawing. "…No matter how tempted I might be," she finished through gritted teeth.
Chopper slowly looked over the paper he was holding in order to grace the angel with a flat look. "Or you could simply make use of a paper bag," he droned.
The gunner had the good graces to blush in embarrassment. "Ah…"
"Here, allow me," Robin offered as she crossed her arms.
A secondary pair of arms grew from Conis' shoulders and made to grab at Merry's head, prompting Merry to snap her jaws at them, only for a tertiary pair that had hidden themselves behind Conis' back to whip out and cover Merry's mouth with a paper bag before she could react.
Merry kept struggling and fighting in the grip of our angel for a bit, but eventually her flailing subsided as the rate at which the bag was inflating and constricting slowed down. Once she stilled herself, Robin removed the bag, and Conis relaxed her grip as she looked down at her.
"Better?" she asked.
"Hah… hoo… yeah… I-I'm good, I'm good," Merry nodded wearily, prompting Conis to smile and drop her to the floor. "Sorry about doing that… again." She hung her head apologetically as she scratched the back of her skull. "I'm still shaken up is all, not thinking straight. But, ah… I-I think I'm fine now, really! I'm pretty sure I got most of it out of me, and I don't think it should happen again!"
Merry then adopted an eager grin as she started limping towards the door as fast as her crutches could carry her. "I'm just gonna go and take a dip to cool off and—!"
"NO!" we all roared as one, Usopp even going so far as to Shave behind her, grab her hood and dig his heels into the woodwork.
"But—!" she started to protest.
"NO!"
"Dumbass!" Su concurred laughing.
Robin cocked an eyebrow at the display before slowly leaning towards me. "Just how many times has she—?"
"Five…" I ground out. "In the past three hours."
"I just wanna swiiiim…" Merry wept childishly.
"Ah… actually, now that I think about it…" Usopp mused as he scratched his chin thoughtfully, then reached into his bag. "I might have an idea."
"REALLY!?" Merry squealed ecstatically, stars shining in her eyes.
"Wait for it…" Nami muttered under her breath.
"You can swim—"
"THANK YOU, USOPP! I LOVE YOU I LOVE Y—"
Usopp removed an inflatable ring with a very familiar sheep's head bobbing on the front. "As long as you wear this."
Merry froze so fast that I swear I heard the air shatter around us.
Unfortunately for him, however, our sniper didn't notice Merry's reaction and instead smiled eagerly. "Well, what do you think? Did I get the face right?"
"And in three, two, one…" I counted down beneath my breath.
"What do I think!?"
THWACK!
"YEOW!"
"Lift off, we have lift off."
"I THINK I WOULDN'T USE THAT THING IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!" Merry snapped, chasing Usopp around the room as she wailed on him with her crutches.
"And the humor is back," I snickered amidst everyone either laughing quietly or all-out howling with laughter.
And so the routine went on…
"FWEEEET!"
"GAH!"
"YEOW!"
"SONNUVA BITCH!"
Until a shrill-as-all-hell ear-piercing whistle caused us all to flinch and whip our hands to our ears. Except for Luffy, of course, who kept eating obliviously on without missing a beat.
"What the hell—?!" Lassoo bit out painfully as he rubbed his ears.
"Glad to see you're all having fun…"
"Eh?" I blinked in surprise before turning my attention to my bed table, where a familiar pair of eyestalks had poked out of their shell. "Oh, hey, Soundbite."
"HEY YOURSELF," he scowled as he slid from his shell and swept his eyestalks over us. "Sorry to break up the mood, I love seeing LONGNOSE GET HIS ASS BEAT AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY—!"
"Chug a salt shaker!" Usopp cursed acridly as he hopped around on his less injured foot.
"—BUT UNFORTUNATELY, FUN TIME IS OVER." Soundbite snapped his gaze to a wall. "Look alive, boys and girls; we've got company, and they're flying gull, white and blue."
Suffice to say that the mood died after that little proclamation, and was instead swiftly replaced by the occupants of the room scrambling for their weapons and/or to get into battle positions with a combination of panic and desperation.
"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I shouted.
All movement froze, and I took the opportunity to snatch up Soundbite and hold him in my palm. "Is there a guy with kukri knives near the front?"
Soundbite's expression fell flat. "I'M GOOD, not psychic, DINGUS."
I winced as I realized that he had a point. "Fair enough, let's try that again. Is there a guy near the front who seems outwardly calm, inwardly excited?"
"NOW THAT is feasible. Uno momento, por favor." He concentrated for only a second before blinking in surprise. "Uh… huh, yeah, he… is? WAIT, WHY DOES HE SOUND—?"
"Good," I nodded firmly, pacing over to the table where I'd left my effects. "I know just what to do about this, then."
Everyone watched in anticipation as I donned my greaves and arranged my gauntlets on top of the table, as well as my transceiver… and then I grinned eagerly as I withdrew my transceiver's mic and started counting down in my head. "Time for another broadcast!"
WHAM!
The group face-fault was very satisfying.
"Crooooooss…" Sanji ground out slowly as he started to climb to his feet, the air starting to shimmer from sheer heat around him.
"Are you already going back on your promise?" Usopp demanded.
"Hey, what can I say?" I shrugged casually, even as I approached what I judged to be a good distance from the wall Soundbite had indicated. "I consider this to fall in the 'harmless' category, especially when you take into account that not only is there no malice in this little incursion, but I've got the perfect shield up and ready in case he decides to get impolite!"
"Huh?" Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean by—?"
"Hell-oooo people of the world!" I cut Vivi off once my countdown hit zero and I approximated that I had enough viewers. "It's been far too long and I'm ever so glad to be back on the air after recovering from the freaking hellish ordeal my friends and I just went through! I'm Jeremiah Cross, and with me as always is my partner in crime—"
"THAT WOULD BE ME, SOUNDBITE!"
"Here to bring you another marvelous edition of—"
"The SBS, starting now!" Lassoo woofed, his tongue lolling out as he panted eagerly. "I think I see why Soundbite does that now! That shtick is fun!"
I cast a glare at the mutt that was more amused than annoyed. "And for once, ladies and gentlemen, I have no time to be angry at being interrupted—"
"SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!"
"—because today we have a special guest joining us here on the SBS!" I spun my arms before pointing both fingers at the appropriate wall. "All the way from Marine Headquarters, he uses mountains as sandbags, he almost had us at Enies, and he's the bane of pirates everywhere!"
Vivi paled in horror as the Beri dropped for her. "Oh, dear sweet Anubis, no," she breathed in horror.
"Don't tell me…" Sanji whimpered at almost the same time as his cigarette dropped from his mouth.
"He's also renowned as the rival of the King, the blunter of the Don, and the second of the Buddha!" I continued emphatically.
Everyone else swiftly paled as well as they realized who I was describing, and they fearfully backed away from the wall as a result.
Robin in particular was having a unique reaction, apparently caught between bowel-dropping terror, fond exasperation, and more than a little bit of amusement. "Honestly," she chuckled even as she kept a white-knuckled grip on her hat. "I just don't know what I was expecting."
"Pirates and Marines the world over," I wound up for the grand finale, keeping a close eye on Soundbite for the appropriate timing cues. "Please put your hands together foooor…"
SMASH!
I shut my eye in an instinctual flinch as the wall imploded, showering us all with dust and debris, before stabbing my finger at the figure visible through the dust. "Gaaaaaarp the Heroooooooooh what the fuck are you wearing!?" I hastily swapped my words around as I actually managed to catch sight of Garp and, to reiterate, what the fuck he was wearing.
To clarify, 'what the fuck he was wearing' consisted of the following items: a Hawaiian floral-print shirt, decorated with palm trees, waves, and bikini-clad tiki dancers. Solid blue board shorts that I was thanking my lucky stars was not a speedo. A battered straw hat that looked like it had been sitting in a closet under a pile of other crap for twenty years. The tackiest pair of black aviator sunglasses I had ever seen. Straw fucking sandals! And to slap a bow on the whole thing, he even had a stripe of white sunblock on his nose right above his shit-eating grin!
Speaking as a native Floridian, I could say with complete and utter certainty that Vice-Admiral Monkey D. Garp looked like the absolute tackiest, most stereotypical beach tourist I had ever seen in my life.
And just to rub it in, he was not a unique case. Behind Garp, just barely visible through the settling dust, I could see a distinctly uncomfortable Coby and Helmeppo dressed in almost exactly the same style, the 'almost' coming from Helmeppo keeping his… actually admittedly cool shades. And then of course behind them was an entire battalion of Marines in variations on the exact same outfit, still in tight parade formation with their rifles on their shoulders!
Hell, even Garp's second in command, ah… damn it, what was his name… bah, you know, the cool-looking motherfucker with the fedora? Even he was midway to the look, because while he was still wearing his officer's jacket and fedora, beneath it he also had on a floral-print shirt and the fedora he was wearing was made out of straw!
Now, honestly, shocking as this all was, I'd like to think I could have handled it all in stride… until Garp raised a coconut shell with a straw and a slice of lime sticking out of it to his mouth, nay, his smirk, so that he could take a sip, at which point I decided that I'd had enough.
"Vice Admiral Garp…" I started slowly as I tried to kickstart my brain back into gear. "Why in the name of hell-if-I-know are you dressed like you're on oh shitbiscuits you're on vacation, aren't you?" I finished in a rush as realization hit me like the Puffing Tom.
Robin blinked in confusion at my statement before shaking her head in exasperation. "Cross, I know that your guesses are usually accurate to an almost uncanny degree, but even by your standards that is just—!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Garp cut her off when he threw his head back and roared with laughter. "Yup, Jonny-boy definitely has the right of it: for every bit that you're stupid insane, you're also stupid smart, Cross!" He puffed his chest out as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Of course I'm on vacation! Because if I weren't, how else would I be able to visit my adorable grandson while you're around without the rest of the World Government getting on my ass for not doing my job, hm?"
I blinked in surprise as I followed that logic before nodding in acknowledgement. "That's… actually pretty damn smart. The get-up is way tacky, but fair enough."
"BWAHAHA!" Garp jutted his chin out with a bark. "High praise, coming from you!"
Robin's eyes twitched as she slowly looked between the two of us before taking off her hat. "One moment, please."
THWACK!
She then shoved her hat back on as the arm that had dope-slapped her dissolved. "Carry on."
Her reaction wasn't the only incredulous one amongst the crew.
"…I don't know what I was expecting… but this is decidedly not it," Vivi managed through her dropped jaw.
"Ditto…" Carue quacked numbly.
"How exactly is anyone supposed to react to something like this?" Chopper asked with honest curiosity.
"Personally, I'm wondering about what we should be more concerned about: him being here, that there's a Marine as crazy as him, or Cross not expecting this?" Su swallowed fearfully. "We're in uncharted waters now…"
Conis started to nod in agreement before freezing as she realized something. "Wait… did he just say that he's here… to visit his grandson?"
That brought the rest of my crewmates up short, several of them repeating the word in shock. "'Grandson'!?"
Soundbite's eyes shot wide as he was struck dead-on by realization. "OOOH…"
Garp's grin widened as he slowly stepped into the room. "Yup, that's exactly right. My grandson is on your crew, and I'm here to pay him a long-overdue visit. And now that I'm here, it's time for said grandson…" Garp's grin widened as he drew his fist back.
SMASH!
"OOOOW!"
"TO STOP STUFFING HIS FACE AND WAKE THE HELL UP!"
And delivered an absolutely devastating haymaker to Luffy, punching him clean through the table and causing our newly awakened captain to roll on the floor in agony.
"OWOWOWOOOOOW!" Luffy cried as he clutched his forehead. "IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HUUURTS!"
"HeeheeheehoohoohooHAHAHA! I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!" Soundbite cackled eagerly.
"I know, right?" I muttered with a shudder. Reading about it was one thing, but actually seeing the legitimately strongest person I knew get taken down with a single punch?
I hid my grin behind my gauntlet. This… This was going to be so much fun.
As usual, my crewmates didn't quite agree with my sentiments.
"AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL!?" Usopp shrieked in terror. "T-T-THAT ACTUALLY HURT LUFFY!?"
"But I thought that Luffy was supposed to be immune to blunt force trauma!" Nami cursed as she gripped her staff, her Eisen Tempo curling defensively around her.
"I know!" Chopper squealed in a dementedly eager tone. "Isn't it iiiinteres—!"
THWACK!
"OW!… thanks Conis."
"You're welcome, though…" Conis swallowed heavily as she gripped the rifle she was clutching. "I wonder if I shouldn't have let you stay that way."
"Could it be—?" Vivi whipped her hand to her mouth with a gasp of realization.
Noticing Garp starting to puff himself up, I hastily snapped my fingers and pointed at him. "And your next line is," I grinned eagerly as I reconfirmed exactly what I'd read so long ago. "'There's no defense against a Fist of Love.'"
"There's no defense against a Fist of Love," Garp unintentionally echoed before he actually processed what I'd said. Then he blinked and glanced at me as I crossed my arms behind my head, a grin stretching my face.
"Oooohh, I've been hurting for an opportunity to pull that bit off for so long," I sighed blissfully.
"You only wish you could be AS GOOD AS JOSEPH!" Soundbite chortled. "BUT THAT WAS A GOOD TRY NONETHELESS!"
"Tsk," Garp raised his arms in a shrug as he shook his head in defeat. "Said it before, I'll say it again: crazy little—!"
"GYAAAAGH!" Garp was cut off by Luffy screaming in terror as he actually caught sight of him and started pointing a shaking finger at the object of his fear. "G-G-G-G—!"
The Vice Admiral was swift to regain his composure as he responded with a smirk, taking hold of his shades and drawing himself up to his full height. "Awww, what's wrong, Luffy?" he asked as he thumbed his glasses onto his forehead, allowing him to smile at Luffy in full. "Didn't you miss your beloved old Grandpa?"
"GRANDPA!?" everyone else squawked in shock.
For my part, I chose to hide an ear-to-ear grin behind my fist. "If I had to guess, I'd say he'd hoped you'd fossilized by now," I muttered under my breath.
"Cocky little shit say what?"
I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"
THWACK!
I came to about two minutes later, when someone grabbed the back of my collar and yanked me out of the… floorboards? Yes, it appears I'd been punched through the floorboards. Well shit.
"Hold still," muttered a voice that I recognized as Chopper's, and I registered a hoof reaching towards my face.
"Eh? What are you—?"
My question was rudely interrupted by our doctor grabbing something in front of my face and yankingohsonofa—!
"—FUCK!" I howled, jerking up as I clutched my face. "What the blue blazes was that for?!"
"Splinter," Chopper deadpanned as he held up a solid inch of wood. I stiffened in shock as I processed what I was seeing, and I gingerly raised my finger to poke at a small puncture wound six millimeters from my left eye.
"Meep."
"Wow, he really is fragile," I heard Garp mutter.
My eye twitched slightly at the comment before I shook my head with a groan and pushed myself into a sitting position. "Ugh… how much did I miss?"
"Oh, nothing much," Robin hummed as she slid up next to me and plopped my hat back on my head. "He hit Luffy a few more times, bemoaned him not being a Marine, explained the balance of the Three Great Powers, the Four Emperors, elaborated that Luffy's hat came from Red-Haired Shanks…" She cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "Any particular reason why you elected to not share that tidbit?"
"Too much fun, never came up, he was going to tell you anyways. Pick a number and toss a die," I groused sourly as I poked at the lump growing from my skull. Christ on a pikestaff, that bastard hit like a freight train! Probably literally! "Eurgh… well at least I didn't miss any of the fun parts. But… if that's all he's said, then… shouldn't Zoro be back by now?"
Of course, that was precisely when the sounds of an all-out brawl erupted from the back of the horde of Marines Garp had brought with him.
"Damn," Soundbite whistled in awe. "Even concussed, YOU'VE GOT THAT down to a science!"
"Mad skills, brah," I deadpanned as I flashed a shaka symbol. In all honesty, I was more focused on observing the two quote-unquote 'rookies' Garp had brought with him. I really wanted to see what these two were capable of.
"Hm? Ah, right, your swordsman. Your… first mate, isn't he?" Garp grinned as he looked over his shoulder at this men getting plowed down. "Good timing, I was just looking for somebody I could use as a test. Hey, you two."
The Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer snapped to attention. "Sir!"
"Chances are you're gonna lose and badly, but even so…" He flashed them a winning smile as he popped a thumbs-up. "At least try and last two seconds, alright? One second each!"
And that caused the Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer to slump in despair. "Yes, sir…"
Still, credit where it was due, in spite of their reluctance the pair didn't even hesitate to face Zoro when he became visible in the crowd and charge him as one.
CR-CR-CR-CRACK!
However, for all that their valor was well and good, they only made it about halfway when they were forced to come to a screeching halt as a rain of bullets broke up the ground a few inches in front of them.
Before they could react further, Coby's hand shot up, snatching the handle of a kunai with the point two inches from his forehead and then seamlessly flowing into a series of blocks that deflected the rest. Helmeppo, meanwhile, had drawn his kukri and was using them to only just hold off what appeared to be a buzzsaw the size of his torso with a red cable leading out of it and off to somewhere that was grinding into his blades with abandon.
Zoro stopped as well, observing the clash for a moment before glaring to the side. "Care to explain why you're stealing my fight?"
"You seem to be forgetting, first mate."
Boss blinked into visibility in front of Zoro as he came out of his Sha—Rip Current, and moments later three of his four students appeared out of nowhere to flank him as well; Mikey spun his pistols as he reloaded them, Donny held a trio of kunai between the 'fingers' of one flipper while the other held his staff across his shoulders, and Raphey jerked back on the end of the red cable she was holding, withdrawing the disc of death that was assaulting Helmeppo and catching it, revealing it to be a massive shuriken almost as large as her that she sheathed on her back.
"Our position on this crew," Boss snorted as he tapped off the ashes on the end of his cigarette. "Is as the ship's guards. End of the day, we are the very bottom of the pecking order. If the enemy can't get past us? Then they're just not worth your trouble."
Coby and Helmeppo glanced at one another with uncertainty for a moment, but they swiftly fell into battle-ready positions…
"Please, try it."
Before stiffening as Leo poked his swords into the smalls of their backs.
"No, really, I'm serious," Leo goaded them eagerly. "I am honestly curious about how you two actually think you can beat us, and I've been itching for a nice and curbstompy fight for a while now. So, if you could do me a favor and give me a reason to kick your asses? I would be most appreciative."
The Chief Petty Officers visibly hesitated…
"BWAHAHAHAHA!"
Before snapping their heads around to look back at their teacher as he started laughing.
"HAHAHA… eheh… heh…" Garp trailed off into chuckles as he wiped his eyes. "Ahhhh… good stuff, that. Yeah, sorry you two, but if you actually value your hides, you had better not fight."
"V-Vice Admiral?!" they asked incredulously.
"Yeah, I'm with them; mind running that by us again?" Mikey asked with a cock of his head. "You mean to tell us that you're actually smart enough to know when to fold them?"
Garp grinned darkly in response. "Not like I actually have much choice, you know? These brats are good and all, sure…" his grin widened as he directed his gaze at Boss. "But they haven't been around nearly long enough to have a hope of taking on the second generation of apprentices to come from the strongest Dugong in the New World, much less the sole member of the first generation himself."
A single second of silence followed those words before Boss's cigar snapped between his 'fingers', though going by the way he was blankly staring at Garp, I don't think he honestly even noticed.
"You… know my master?" Boss finally managed to breathe.
"BWAHAHA!" Garp barked as he scratched his finger beneath his nose. "Know him? I take a day off to have a scrap with him at least three times a year, and each time is as good as the last! Though, eh…" he glanced away with a scowl. "The fact that the damn bastard doesn't tend to hang around in any one place for that long makes tracking him down time and time again a damn nightmare."
Boss blinked slowly at the statement before slowly turning to look towards the horizon. "…knew the old bastard was still alive. I damn well knew it…" he muttered quietly.
"Ah… hang on, Boss' master?" Usopp asked in interest. "Who are we talking about here?"
"Sifu Dugong," Raphey breathed in awe. "We'll tell you the details later, but for now, suffice to say he's the strongest dugong in our species' history!"
"Last rumor I heard?" Mikey piped up. "He can kill a Sea King with one punch!"
"Now that's a bold-faced lie!" Garp sniffed indignantly… before popping up a trio of fingers. "Last time I saw that old bag of bones, he was strong enough to take down three Sea Kings at once, easy. If you're going to spread rumors, at least make sure they're accurate."
There was a resounding silence in response to that proclamation, during which Coby and Helmeppo exchanged a frantic look, following which…
"PLEASE SPARE MY WORTHLESS LIFE!"
"Hahaha! Wow, Luffy! It looks like you've really gathered an incredible crew!"
One of them collapsed to their knees begging for their life, while the other scratched behind his head as he laughed happily.
Three guesses on who did and said what.
"Huh? Why're you talking about me like you know me? Although… you do look sort of familiar…" Luffy frowned and bowed his head in what I had no doubt was intense thought. And then, to the utter shock of all, he snapped his head up with a gasp as he pounded his fist in his palm. "Wait, now I remember who you are!"
"Eh?" I blinked in shock before leaning forwards in curiosity, more than a few of the onlookers joining me. Was… Was this really happening? Had our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, one of the densest people in existence, actually managed to grow a brain!?
The rubber-man in question pointed at the eager pink-haired Marine with a triumphant grin. "You're Natsu Dragneel."
WHAM!
Yeeeaaah, no.
Of course, Garp, Coby, and Helmeppo all face-faulted, as would be the natural reaction. But me? I actually felt my skull bleeding from how hard I hit my head, and going by the sound of grinding enamel coming from my shoulder I wasn't alone.
However, I only maintained that position for a moment before unholy RAGE flooded my mind and I forced myself to my feet so that Soundbite and I could vent our frustration. A process I started off by bringing my fist down on my Captain's head as hard as I could.
Of course, once he started twitching and trying to pull his head out of the floorboards, indicating that he was still alive (which was fortunate and unfortunate in equal measure) we decided to vent vocally rather than physically.
"RIGHT Genre, WRONG UNIVERSE, MORON!" Soundbite howled viciously.
"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR STUPIDITY LITERALLY TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE?!" I roared with all that my lungs were capable of.
"Uh, heh, I wouldn't be too surprised if it did," Coby chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he righted himself and crouched before my struggling captain. "But, ah, still… Luffy, it's me, Coby. You know, from the East Blue?"
"EH!?" Luffy barked as he wrenched his head from the floor with a single jerk, blinking at the Marine in question in awe. "Wimpy Coby!? No way! The last time I saw Coby, he was—!"
I tuned out the conversation as I turned on my heel and walked back into the house, massaging my flaming temples as I tried to calm myself down. Honestly, most of the time Luffy's stupidity was hilarious, really, it was, but that!? There are limits, damn it all! Standards!
I was drawn from my blackened thoughts by a slight tugging on my pants leg, a glance downwards revealing it to be none other than Raphey smirking up at me.
"Idiocy isn't quite so funny when it's concentrated like that, is it now?" she taunted.
I ground my teeth as I reigned in my temper before finally snorting out a heavy breath. "No," I growled. "No, it is not. Usually, it's funny. Breaking the laws of reality? That's something else entirely. In small doses it's fine, but concentrated like that…" I cast a meaningful glance to the side. "How do you deal with it?"
Raphey followed my gaze and promptly adopted a grimace. "Well, I'll admit it's not easy…"
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO LOOKING AT ME WHEN YOU SAY THAT?!" Mikey cried indignantly. "I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS HIM, NUH-UH, NO WAY IN HELL, THAT'S JUST NOT—!"
CRACK!
"—owie…" he whimpered into the wall his face had been buried in.
"But as you can see," Raphey chuckled as she blew the smoke off her flipper. "I handle it pretty handily, thank you very much."
I contemplated that for a moment before electing to shift the discussion with as subtle a cough as I could manage. "So! A… what, 'fuuma' shuriken, I think it was, and kunai, huh? I guess you've all got long range covered now."
"Meh, more like mid-ranged, but I'm not complaining," Raphey grinned as she unslung her wheel of death and started spinning it around a flipper as though it couldn't decapitate someone with ease. "This beast's a monster to handle, but the training I've had with Vivi gives me a good idea on how to work chain weaponry. Anybody tries anything up close, they get the sai, and if they try anything from far off?" She halted her spinning and jabbed one of the shuriken's blades dead ahead with a smirk. "They get this baby!"
"Unfortunately, not all of us are being as lucky…" Donny groused as he examined his staff. "I've found the kunai knife to be an agreeable weapon, true, but as it is I'm carrying them all around in my shell, and that's neither comfortable nor practical." He glanced up at me with a cocked eyebrow. "I only hope my memory is good enough that I can replicate whatever mechanism that Foxy Pirate used in her baton."
I pegged on to what he was implying easily enough and flashed him an 'a-ok' sign. "I'm sure that you'll figure it out with time, don't worry."
"Hmph. Infidels."
"Eh?" I blinked at Leo in surprise, shocked to see him leaning against the wall with a scowl. "The heck are you talking about?"
"You heard me, didn't you?" Leo glared at me defiantly. "Come on. In case you haven't noticed, we're known as Kung-Fu dugongs. Martial arts, armed or un-armed, is our specialty! We beat our enemies up close and personal, not from a distance like a dirty coward! There is no honor, no glory in—!"
"Eh, don't pay him any mind," Mikey scoffed casually as he dug a 'finger' in the approximate location of his ear. "He's just salty because he hasn't figured out how to use those cool flying slashes Zoro uses yet, and he can't channel Typhoon Lash down them either, which he hasn't figured out yet, for that matter."
"NEITHER HAVE YOU AND NOT FOR A LACK OF TRYING, EITHER!" the katana-wielder exploded furiously. "AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMN IT! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PUT INTO MY SWORDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZORO OR BOSS PUSHES ME, I CAN'T… make… them…"
He suddenly trailed off, slowly looking over his shoulder at his own swords, then at Zoro's, and then up at me. "Cross… is it even possible to accomplish the flying slash with normal swords, or do they have to be Legendary Swords, like Zoro's trio?"
I opened my mouth to respond, then frowned as I ran over the swordsmen that I knew had used flying slashes. "Come to think of it, I… don't think I've ever heard of any normal blades sending flying slashes without Devil Fruit enhancements? Though…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure that a world-class swordsman like Mihawk or someone could, but…"
Leo set his jaw tightly as he reached up to grip one of his katana's hilts. "In that case… there's just nothing for it, is there? These two have served me faithfully over the years, but if I'm going to hone my style any further…" He shook his head in defeat. "I officially need an upgrade."
I winced sympathetically at the poor dugong's plight, but before I could say anything on the matter, a familiar finger tapping me on my shoulder drew my attention away.
"Pardon the interruption, Cross," Robin said politely. "But if you don't mind, would you kindly elaborate on the relationship between Luffy, Zoro and those two?" She nodded her head at where the four in question (three, really, seeing as Helmeppo was sobbing pitifully over being forgotten) were talking. "I can only imagine that the tale surrounding them must be at least marginally fascinating."
I considered the question for a moment before shrugging, though before I said jack I made sure to cover my transceiver's mouthpiece. After all, it wouldn't do to go spreading around that Coby was an ex-pirate, however unwilling.
"Not that much of a story to tell. Coby was an unwilling cabin boy for the Alvida Pirates and Helmeppo was the spoiled brat of a corrupt-to-the-core Marine Captain in the East Blue."
Robin hid a chuckle behind her hand. "And then Luffy arrived and removed the both of them with his fists, I'm guessing?"
I smiled back in turn. "Yeah, that is how must stories involving Luffy usually go, isn't it? Anyway, that was about seven months or so ago, when Luffy first set out. Awhile after that, the two were… let's say 'lucky' enough to catch Garp's attention and he decided to personally train them. And believe you me when I say that for all he's a devil he's also damn effective, because if you'd seen those two as they were then, you'd have a hard time recognizing them."
Nami took a moment to make sure my hand was still covering the mic before quietly asking, "So, if I had to guess, you're planning on—?"
"—eard you met your father in Loguetown."
Nami's question died in a choked gasp at the same time the blood evacuated my face. Damn it all, of all the milestones to forget, I forget this!?
I suffered a minor panic attack as I considered what the fuck to do. I couldn't very well hang up, because if I did then Garp would be left hanging high and dry for why he didn't return to Marineford with us in tow, and for all that he could be a bastard at times I didn't want to see the old man suffer for visiting his grandson! And fat lot of good Gastro-Scramble would do with Soundbite all but guaranteed to flip out as much as everyone else! As for muffling the transceiver, while that was all well and good for quiet conversations, absolutely nothing about what was about to happen was going to be quiet.
…Not remotely quiet. Why the hell didn't I think of that in the first place?
"Fair warning," I muttered absently as I slid my headphones on with one hand and started reaching for a very specific button with the other. "This is going to be loud."
Robin immediately clamped half a dozen hands over her ears, while everyone else blinked at me in confusion before stiffening in utter horror. Some tried to make a move at me…
But too late.
"Your father's name is…"
-o-
BWAAAAAAAAAH!
'Pros and cons of the SBS and its host,' the Most Wanted Man in the World idly mused as he dug a finger in his ear. 'Pro: one of the greatest allies to the cause I've ever seen, and an incredibly inspiring individual besides. Con: he's giving me tinnitus.' Dragon weighed the options for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Hmm, a small price to pay."
His reaction was easily the most subdued among the command center, with everyone else laid out flat and groaning as they clutched their ears.
And Cross, of course, was just chuckling.
"I love this thing, so much."
"WE KNOW!" the nerve center of the Revolutionaries roared alongside the majority of the world.
However, not all of the world was content to leave matters at that.
"You little brat…" Garp growled venomously. "Maybe I should show you my own brand of Love again and see if that example manages to beat the stupid out of you, hm?!"
Cross's eyes widened in terror for a moment before he hastily adopted a heavy scowl. "Before you start that little demonstration of yours, may I remind you of the sheer magnitude of what you were about to say? If you'd think about it just a little, just a tiny bit, I think you'd find that it's not a good idea to spill that secret to everyone who's here. Especially since, in case you've forgotten, the SBS is still running. Do you really think that that's something to blab to the whole freaking world?"
There was a brief moment of confusion, on account of the past minute of the SBS having been muffled, and then the crew's doctor, Chopper, posed an innocent question: "Is Luffy's dad really that big a deal?"
While the control room burst into not-so-quiet mutters, the snail snorted and shook its head. "The absolute biggest deal, Chopper. If you thought the Government wanted our heads now, you should see how badly they'll want them if this little tidbit gets out. And not just them, either!"
Dragon had to fight very hard to keep from stiffening at those words, and even then he couldn't keep the shock off his face. 'There's no doubt now, he knows. Not only that, but Garp was about to—!?' Dragon's expression promptly fell flat. 'No, of course he was about to, that comes as no surprise whatsoever. But still…' The original Revolutionary observed the Transponder Snail with restrained wonder. 'How could he possibly know that?'
Meanwhile, the rest of the command room was equally active, if louder.
"Is Luffy's father that important a guy?" Koala asked her old comrade curiously.
Sabo could only reply with a numb shake of his head. "This is the first I've heard of Luffy having a dad at all. Not even he knows who he is!"
The snail had adopted a surprised look for several seconds following Cross' question. Then, he grinned and chuckled. "Bah, I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you know, eh? Especially after everything else you've blabbed about. Hell, it'd be weirder if you didn't! But… heh, yeah, I guess you're right."
Dragon breathed a subtle sigh of relief at those words. For all that he allowed his son his independence, he did actually care for him, and he knew how much harder his journey would be if his heritage ever got out to the public.
As such, he thanked his lucky stars that for once Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp had chosen to actually use his brain.
"After all," Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp forged on with a solemn nod. "It wouldn't be very smart to tell the whole world that Luffy's father is Monkey D. Dragon, the Revolutionary."
The entirety of Baltigo… nay, the whole world froze upon hearing those words.
And while everyone was frozen, Transponder Snails around the world twitched as they gaped in awe. "…And yet, you tell them anyway," Cross ground out in horrified incredulity.
There was a moment of silence before the snails blinked in realization and started chuckling sheepishly. "Ah… yeah, guess I screwed up there, huh? Whoops, my bad."
Within the command post of the Revolutionaries in the secret kingdom of Baltigo, Monkey D. Dragon the Revolutionary and Most Wanted Man in the World slapped a hand to his face with a groan. "God damn it, Dad."
Apparently Cross was of the same opinion, if the way he suddenly set his jaw was anything to go by. "You there, with the hat. Could you do me a favor? Take this and whack him for me, would you? Trust me, his head'll break before it does."
"Well, I'll be glad to test that."
"Eh?" Garp blinked in surprise. "Wait, wha—?"
CLANG!
"YEOOOOW!"
"Well, I'll be, it works. What's it made of?"
"Common materials enhanced to perfection by a GODLIKE ENTI—WAGH!"
"Shut it, you little—GRK! Ah… b-believe me, t-they call Vegapunk all kinds of crazy things out in the East Blue. But for now…" Cross adopted a grim expression. "Before anyone properly freaks out, I have a few words I'd like to share. They are as follows…"
"Well, this should be good," Dragon drawled sardonically.
"Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself stupider than Monkey D. Luffy. How he is still breathing, let alone chemically viable, is a mystery that haunts scientists the world over. His very existence is a divide-by-zero paradox that should have, by all rational thought, destroyed the universe threefold by now. The Great Old Ones have resigned their posts as bringers of insanity, as he has now rendered them redundant. God is dead because he killed himself out of shame for ever having allowed—OWOWOW! Withdrawn, withdrawn! Urgh… whatever. Anyway, I could keep going on and on, but I know that it would never touch upon the true extent of his impossible existence."
In spite of himself, Dragon smirked. That was refreshing to hear.
"Aaaand that's all I wanted to say. Please feel free to react in an appropriate manner and make my foghorn seem like birdsong by comparison."
And so the world proceeded to do just that.
-o-
"STRAW HAT IS DRAGON'S SON!?"
Sodom and Gomorrah flinched as the force of their boss's shout caused their trailer to leap out of the water.
"THAT MAN ACTUALLY HAD A SON?!" Kiwi loudly agreed.
"WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN THAT GARP 'THE HERO' IS DRAGON'S FATHER?!" Mozu demanded.
"THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE!" the trio finished as one.
[They're actually surprised by all of this?] Sodom asked his brother.
[Honestly, they seriously should have seen something like this coming,] Gomorrah snorted in agreement.
-o-
"Oh, dear, I was afraid of this…" Bentham sighed heavily as he waved a towel over Ivankov's insensate (and massive) face. "As if the knowledge of Straw Hat being Garp's grandson weren't pressing enough, this new development's sent our dear ruler over the edge." He glanced over his shoulder fretfully. "How're those 20ccs of cosmotini coming?"
"Hey, don't rush me!" the current bartender protested. "This is a very delicate and involved—!"
"Ivankov!" Inazuma cried out as she (at the moment) rushed into Newkama Land's central area. "We just found—eh?" She skidded to a halt and blinked at the scene before her in confusion. "What happened here?"
"Oh, a tragedy is what happened, an utter tragedy!" the newest citizen of the okama haven wept dramatically as he spun in place. "Our glorious queen among kings was overwhelmed by the news of Straw Hat being Dragon's son, and he—!"
"Is totally faking it so that he can get at some extra alcohol past his ration because he has complete and utter control over his body's hormones, and as such literally cannot faint," Inazuma finished flatly.
"AHEM!" Ivankov coughed as he shot to his feet and snapped his fist to his mouth. "You, ah, wanted to tell me something, Inazuma?"
"OH, GREAT MIRACLE-WORKER IVANKOV, HOW COULD YOU!?" Bentham sobbed in betrayal.
The scissor-human cocked an eyebrow at the overly dramatic—even by Okama standards—display before grinning at Ivankov. "We were patrolling the floors when we found a guest. I am fairly certain that you will be very interested in them."
Ivankov blinked in surprise before returning the smile. "Oh, really? Do tell."
-o-
Meanwhile, back in Baltigo, the reaction that was being had to the announcement was perhaps the most… unique of all.
"WOOHOO!" Koala shrieked joyously as she literally danced around the control center, sweeping up anyone she could grab into a series of erratic spins and twirls. "I'M RICH! RICH RICH RICH RIIIICH!"
Dragon's eye twitched minutely as he watched the extra-species martial artist cavort about, casting a sidelong look at his Chief of Staff. "Dare I even ask?" he deadpanned.
"Ahhh…" Sabo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "She… may or may not have placed one or two bets that may or may not have just paid out a rather substantial amount?"
"I'M GONNA TAKE A VACATION AND BUY A WEEK FROM HEAVEN IN PUCCI!" Koala whooped as she started moonwalking on a table, a bib securely fastened around her neck. "SO! MUCH! LOBSTER!"
"…You're donating half of your winnings to the cause," Dragon finally said.
"Doesn't matter, because I still have enough left~!" Koala sang cheerfully, not even missing a beat as she kept her dance routine going.
That brought the Revolutionary up short. "She really won that much?"
"A… lot of people were curious about you, chief. Sorry," Hack admitted.
Dragon blinked as he processed that before narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "What were those bets on, exactly?"
Koala froze in place.
"I'm-gonna-go-collect-my-winnings-and-pack-bye!"
Before shooting out of the control room in a blur.
Sabo sighed as he observed the smoke trail his partner had left, slapping a hand to his face. "Simply put, she won the trifecta," he mumbled wearily. "That Luffy was your son, that you were Garp's son, and that, ah…" He glanced away with a sheepish blush. "That you're—?"
"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T COUNT!?"
SMASH!
The Revolutionaries jumped in shock when one of the control center's walls suddenly imploded on account of one of their comrades being thrown through it. Said comrade only had a second to recover before he found his collar grabbed and he was dragged face-to-face with a very irate martial artist.
"Get this through your sea-prism-stone-thick skull, you moron!" Koala bit out menacingly. "Sabo is Luffy's brother. Blood can go hang for all I care, that means that Dragon is his dad too, meaning that you damn well lost! Now pay up or I will put you through the floor!"
The Revolutionary was swift to dig out a wad of cash and toss it at Koala, which prompted her to drop him and start thumbing through the bundle with a contented smile.
"Pleasure doing business with you~!" she sang as she turned right back around and walked out the very hole she'd caused.
A heavy silence hung in the room until Sabo coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, look, sir—!"
"Sabo, Koala just collected her rightly-won earnings that resulted from her good luck," Dragon interrupted him in a neutral tone. "Do you wish for her to give you the same treatment?"
"Ah…no, sir?" Sabo shook his head slowly.
"Then let's leave matters at that."
Sabo hesitated for a bare moment before snapping into a salute, a smile barely restrained. "Y-Yes, sir!"
Dragon nodded proudly before readopting his neutral expression and glancing to the side at the now-muttering Transponder Snail.
'But still, all joking aside, this is the final straw. It's time that I arranged a meeting with Cross. A personal meeting.'
The Revolutionary started to turn and walk away…
"Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"
Before he and everyone else in the room froze, Dragon in particular paralyzed by the sudden resurgence of a pounding in his skull that he hadn't felt in years.
'Correction: I'll meet with Cross if he actually survives the day,' he groaned internally.
-o-
Everyone in my line of sight was doing their best imitation of a statue, save for the sweat coming down all of their brows. And for good reason, too: the only person not utterly paralyzed with terror was the very cause of that terror himself. Suffice to say that Garp the Hero's expression was quickly darkening, and if the growl that was starting to rumble forth from his throat was anything to go by, that was only the tip of the iceberg.
It should be noted, however, that it was only everyone I could see that was freezing up. Me myself? Weeeell… my adrenaline had just kicked into the biggest high I'd felt since the flight to the White Sea, so naturally I had an ear-to-ear grin on my face. "Pffheeheeheeeeee…" I whispered euphorically.
"OH GOD, I'm attached to a suicidal idiot…" Soundbite whimpered through his stricken smile and tears.
"You knew that going into the Grand Line and don't you dare pretend otherwise," I hissed back.
"What…"
My spine snapped ramrod straight when Garp's voice suddenly shook the air, and I was acutely aware of him turning to loom over me even from halfway across the room. I shivered as he marched up to me and only seemed to grow bigger still. Sweet heck, if the man didn't actually have Haki, then he damn well knew how to fake it!
"The hell," the goliath before me snarled. "DID YOU JUST SAY?"
"Uhh…" I hedged nervously, glancing around as I centered my thoughts. In the process, I just so happened to catch sight of Nami and Robin, who both had their arms crossed and were shaking their heads frantically.
Well, there was really only one thing I could do, seeing that.
"Weeellll…" I slowly drawled as a massive grin spread across my face.
Nami slapped a hand to her face, while Robin whipped out and started writing on a notepad that had the words 'The Death of Jeremiah Cross' scrawled on the top of the first page.
I cocked my eyebrow at that particular development before refocusing my grin at Garp. "To answer your question," I continued in a nonchalant tone, even as enough energy for ten Shaves thrummed within me. "It's simple, really: he's leading a fight against a tyrannical force of oppression that's dominating the entire world, so what else could he be? Honestly, now, you should be proud of him. After all…" I grinned innocently as I crossed my arms behind the back of my head. "He is doing the Marines' rightful job. Riiiight?"
Garp ground his teeth as he slowly and audibly cracked his knuckles. "You have one chance to take that back."
I snorted in response, spreading my arms wide invitingly. "Buddy, in case you've forgotten, I enjoy the rush of adrenaline terror affords me. So, please, feel free to do your damn worst."
"OH GOD I POO'D…" Soundbite wheezed, his eyes blank from fear.
"WISH GRANTED!" Garp rumbled, drawing his fist back in preparation.
For a bare moment, I actually felt a sliver of doubt.
"M-Mistah Gawp?"
And then everyone froze again, only this time it was on account of a distinctly small, timid, and positively heartwrenching voice. All attention turned towards the source—
…I thought I had long since grown immune to the whole 'puppy-dog-eyes' bit thanks to Soundbite utterly ruining it within the first week of me knowing him, but Merry proceeded to prove me wrong. I mean, seriously! Small, adorable, and on crutches, with massive watery eyes and a quivering lower lip? You'd have to be utterly lacking of a heart to not be affected, as evidenced by Garp visibly faltering.
"A-Awe you going to hurt my big bwother?" Merry whimpered sorrowfully.
"A-A-Ah, I-I, ah, t-t-that is to say…" the Vice Admiral hedged fretfully, glancing to and fro in search of a response.
"P-P-Pwease don't hurt Cwoss…" Merry hiccupped, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "H-H-He's one of my b-bestest fwiends in the whole wowld, a-a-and he saved my w-w-wife! P-Pwease, d-don't…" She bowed her head as she started crying softly.
"W-Well, I-I, uh…" Garp flinched back.
"Vice Admiral, how could you!"
I managed—somehow!—to wrench my attention away from the scene in front of me to catch sight of Coby glaring daggers at the Vice Admiral who, I should note, massively outweighed him. And outranked him. And out-everything'd him.
"Making an innocent young girl cry?" the Master Chief Petty Officer fumed. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"B-But she—! A-And I—!" Garp scrambled to get his words together.
"You dirty bastard!" Helmeppo accused fervently.
"What kind of a man are you, huh!?" a random Marine piped up.
"Disgusting, simply disgusting!"
"Yeah, now I'm definitely not naming my son after you!"
"N-N-Now hold on a minute, a-a-all of you—"
I have to admit, to this day I have seen few sights funnier than that of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, flailing about desperately as his own men lambasted him. But still, even through my (barely concealed) amusement, I couldn't help feeling that something was… off about this whole affair.
Before I could put much thought into it, however…
"Disgraceful," Garp's fedora-wearing compatriot huffed.
For whatever, reason, that was what rebooted Garp's brain, prompting him to turn on his men and draw himself up to his full height. "Now, see here, you young whippersnappers! I—!"
It all happened in an instant.
One second, Merry's head was bowed and she was sobbing her eyes out, the next it snapped up and her gaze locked on dead ahead, a pair of utterly evil golden stars glinting in her eyes. She spared a second to glance at Soundbite and slash a finger across her throat before she shoved her crutches into the ground, effectively flinging Merry forward.
And then…
CHOMP!
…the world just seemed to… well, stop turning as once anew everyone froze.
"Ooooh myyyy gooood…" I dragged out incredulously.
"Well, now…" Robin breathed.
"Oh, for fuck's sakes…" Nami moaned, dropping her hands in her face.
"What the…!?" Coby and Helmeppo gaped in shock.
"PFFF…" Soundbite snorted, very visibly holding himself back from cackling. "T-T-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, FOLKS, sorry!" The second he finished that last word he burst out howling. "HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEhahahahaaaaaa!"
Garp sloooowly glanced over his shoulder, shock written across his face. "W-What the—?"
Merry's grin widened around the mouthful of his ass she'd bitten into. "Gr't yer t'th."
And then she redoubled the strength of her bite and things got…
"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!"
Interesting.
Years in the future, Monkey D. Garp would still swear up and down to anyone and everyone who would listen that the scars on his ass came from either a bear trap, a snapping turtle or a juvenile Sea King that someone had left on his office chair, either as a practical joke, as part of an assassination plot, or on account of his forgetting that he'd left it there the day before.
And years in the future, nobody would believe him on account of the Marine witnesses present spreading the true story like wildfire in spite of how much he threatened and pleaded with them afterwards.
Said true story being that a little girl had sunk her teeth into his ass like a freaking cobra and absolutely refused to let go, no matter how much he howled and ran around frantically, arms flailing with all the dignity of a cat in a water-soaked sack in a room full of rocking chairs. And, quite honestly, there was only one way I, or hell, anyone could react to it.
"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I cackled, falling onto the ground, pounding the floorboards with my fists. "TH-THIS IS COMEDY GO-HO-HO-HOLD! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"
"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Luffy howled alongside me, rolling about as he clutched his gut. "THIS IS GREAT! GO MERRY! SHISHISHISHI!"
"S-S-Someone get a picture of this! It'll be worth millions!" Nami shrieked, clutching Sanji in a desperate bid to keep herself upright. Sanji, for once, didn't fly into a Love Hurricane due to being too occupied with supporting himself on Nami.
"I-I'm trying!" Conis wheezed, her arm spasming furiously as she tried to hold her Vision Dial properly and stay upright. "B-B-But I'm laughing too h-hard! I c-c-can't keep a s-steady hand!"
"TSEEHEEHEEHEE!" Su, meanwhile, had no such restrictions and was flailing about on her back as she kept laughing.
In fact, most of the room was on the floor; the only ones upright were Zoro, Boss, and Robin, and they were either slumped over or on their knees. Even among the Marines, nobody was composed enough to be bothered to help their boss; Coby and Helmeppo were laughing themselves to tears, the grunts were accumulating grass stains, and the cool guy—Bogard, that's the name I knew him by—Bogard was hiding his face with his fedora, the shaking of his shoulders betraying the fact that he was trying with every fiber of his being not to burst out laughing himself.
Overall, it was… yeah, it was just straight-up hilarious.
At least five minutes passed before I managed to get enough of my mental facilities flaring to wonder what would happen when Garp finally got it in his head to get her off. The thought that came to mind brought with it a solution that would put an end to the conflict in a most beautiful way.
As such, I forced myself to my feet, staggered over to the flailing Garp, and grabbed Merry's torso. I tried to yank her off, but she barely even budged a bit. Still, not to be denied, I lifted my foot, planted it on Garp's backside and shoved as hard as I could. It was a hell of a struggle, but eventually I managed to yank her free!
RIIIIP!
Though it wasn't from any weakness on Merry's part.
Garp blinked slowly and sighed in relief as he realized the absence of pain in his hindquarters before stiffening as he also felt a breeze pass between his legs. "Oooooh sonnuva—!" He snapped his gaze around and stared in horror at the sight of his shorts hanging from Merry's grinning jaws. "Alright, brat, you listen and you listen good. Whatever the hell you're thinking about doing, you stop thinking about it right the hell—!"
Merry sucked the shorts down in a single gulp before adopting a shameless grin. "Tasty!"
Garp's eyes twitched even as his jaw, as well as that of every other Marine and Luffy, dropped in shock.
I blinked numbly as I processed the… let's say 'interesting' developments that had just occurred before glancing down at Merry, my eyebrow cocked in confusion. "…Wasn't your figurehead supposed to be a sheep?"
"Baaaaah-ah-ah-ah!" Merry bleated unabashedly in response.
"Fair 'nuff," I conceded.
"HEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOHAHAHAAAAAA!" Soundbite howled. "I THINK I SEE some of me in her! Hahahahaaaa!"
"You… little…!" Garp grit out as he strangled the air before him. "What the hell is your problem!? Where the hell did all of that cutesy crap from before go!?"
Merry silently stared at him for a second before bowing her head, her hood ensuring that all that was visible was the corner of a light smirk. "Ha… hahahaaaa…"
And then, out of the blue—!
"MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Merry flung her head back and started cackling like a madwoman. "YE FOOLISH MARINE SOPS! YE REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO DID YE!? WELL ALLOW ME TO MAKE MATTERS UTTERLY CLEAR FOR YE!"
And with that, Merry grabbed the sides of her jacket and jerked it—
I paled in realization. "Ahhh, shit, we forgot to take our flag when we got off you, didn't we?"
The grin Merry shot at me matched that of the Jolly Roger emblazoned on the t-shirt she was wearing tooth for tooth. "I assure ye, I consider it to be a most fortuitous mistake. Now, if ye'll excuse me—DO YE GET THE PICTURE NOW, YE LANDLUBBER FOOLS!?" she shouted, returning to cackling at Garp and his men. "I MIGHT APPEAR TA BE A CUTE AND INNOCENT CARAVEL ON THE OUTSIDE, SURE, BUT IN ME KEEL AND SOUL?" She thumped a fist to her chest. "AH'LL EVER AND ALWAYS BE NOTHIN' LESS THAN A ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE, GROG-SWILLIN' MARINE-SINKIN' BUCCANEER, THROUGH AND THROUGH, AND DON'T YE EVER FORGET IT!"
I stared at Merry in open-mouthed awe as she finished her tirade and crossed her arms with a triumphant smirk, and I reacted in the only appropriate way I knew.
I smiled contentedly as I patted her head. "I am so proud of you, Merry. So proud."
"She's already taunting the Marines like a pro…" Usopp sobbed into his arm. "T-They grow up so fast!"
"To see the next generation do you proud!" Boss sobbed right along with him as he pumped his fist in the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE AT ITS FINEST!"
"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS concurred.
"You little…" Garp snarled out murderously, veins popping out on his forehead as he slowly cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you're seriously so intent on being a pirate, then I'm only happy to—!"
"Ah-Ah-AH!~" Soundbite sang with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "REMEMBER, GARP: we were having 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' during this entire bit; YOU START JACK, I DROP THE SCRAMBLE, AND ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD will hear is YOU pummeling poor, innocent Merry and her big brother."
"The snail's right, Garp," I smirked confidently. "Hurt us now, and you will enjoy what I would like to call a 'Reverse Celestial Dragon' reaction. I.E., civilians rise up to lynch you. Care to try it?"
"…You've earned your place as the tactician of this crew, Jeremiah Cross," Garp nodded with begrudging respect. Merry and I exchanged victorious grins, before freezing as he pinned us both with murderous glares. "And you've both earned a spot on my shitlist. Mark my words, there will be consequences."
"Leave my crew alone, Gramps!" Luffy protested, before shrinking in on himself when Garp turned his a glare at him. It only lasted for a moment, however, before Luffy set his face in stone. His legs were trembling like Usopp's, but he stood strong in the face of his grandfather's anger. "You can hit me all you want… but I won't forgive anyone who hurts my friends," he growled.
I had only a moment to appreciate him quoting Shanks again before Garp reared back his fist, clearly preparing to hit his grandson—
SHINK! "And family or not, I don't take threats to my captain lightly."
Only to pause as Zoro, Wado and Kitetsu in hand, moved to stand beside Luffy. Garp raised a brow.
"The mosshead has a point," Sanji conceded, moving to Luffy's opposite side. I hastily glanced at Lassoo and nodded at him, prompting him to snap into his hybrid form and snarl menacingly even as he and I moved along with the rest of the crew to stand beside the Monster Trio.
"After all, a captain's duty may be to his crew—" Boss continued, the TDWS flanking him proudly.
"But a crew's duty is to their captain," Nami finished as she and Usopp both readied their weapons.
"It should be obvious by now, Vice Admiral Garp," Vivi said coolly, a Lion Cutter spinning in her hands. "If you threaten one of the Straw Hat Pirates, you threaten all of the Straw Hat Pirates."
Garp took in the sight of us all standing together. Sanji, Chopper, and Robin all glared at him in challenge, while the rest of the crew had their weapons in hand to match their glares. And Luffy? His expression hadn't faltered, and his trembling had stopped dead.
Merry took it all in for a second before adopting a massive fond smile. "I love this crew…" she whispered joyously.
After a few seconds, Garp lowered his arm with a put-upon sigh—and I think a mutter of 'damn déjà-vu'? Either way, a bittersweet grin came over his face. "Well, if nothing else good came of this, I'm glad my stupid grandson has found companions who care about him that much." He turned away and folded his arms with a huff. "Eh, whatever. I'm on vacation right now anyway, I'm under no obligation to try catching you. Do whatever the hell you want, however utterly foolish it might be."
I heaved a sigh of relief before snapping my head up with an eager grin as inspiration suddenly slugged me. "Weeell, if that's the case, seeing as you're not busy and all, think you could spare the time to outline a method or three on how to train some techniques? Like, oh, off the top of my head… Haki or—?"
"Not on your life, ass," Garp snorted as he dug a pinkie up his nose.
I shot a desperate look at Vivi, and she shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling before smiling beatifically. "Oh, come now, Vice Admiral, don't be like that. Please tell us everything you know about Haki?" Vivi 'asked' politely.
Garp paused for a moment, and for that moment, I thought it had worked.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I found myself brutally disabused of that notion when he started laughing his head off.
"HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHaaaa!" Garp finally wound down, wheezing as he pressed his hand to his face before glancing at us from under his fingers. "Really, Cross is one thing, the world knows he's completely insane, but I'd expect the rest of you to know how completely absurd the concept of me answering to a will as weak as that is."
Vivi paled in shock. "W-Wait, you—?"
"Noticed that you just tried to enforce your Sovereign's Will on me?" Garp scoffed with a wave of his hand. "Psh! Of course I did! After all…" He shot a smirk over his shoulder. "You're not one of the very few people who I answer to!"
I prepared to throw in the towel, but then a thought flitted through my mind and I hastily pasted a defeated scowl on my face. "Ah, but of course! Vivi's will was in no way a match for your own! She could never get you to do what she said properly, I should have known!" I proclaimed melodramatically.
"Feh, moron," Garp scoffed as he dug his finger in his ear. "You know as well as I do that willpower is only half the battle when it comes to the Sovereign's Will subset of Conqueror's Haki! The other half of it is respect! After all, Conquerors get people to kneel before them through a sheer flood of willpower. Sovereigns, on the other hand, like your princess friend, play on the natural aura of leadership they exude to get people to bow and obey before them. Different personalities and ways of ruling, different results. But, eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "You already knew all that."
"Or at least, we know it now!" Su snickered behind her paw. "Thanks a lot for the tidbits, gramps! Tseeheeheeheeeee!"
Garp froze in spot as the blood drained from his face before he wheeled around and started strangling the air… again. "Yoooou…"
"And we are back!" I said, stopping the Vice Admiral in his place as I rolled my finger at Soundbite. "Sorry about that, loyal viewers, but… well, let's just say that the good Vice Admiral may have had a bout of narcolepsy, which may have resulted in the unfortunate and untimely demise of his pants. So, following the trouser malfunction that the world will never know of, we stand here with Vice Admiral Garp now perfectly composed, but without suitable bottom garments. So…" I glanced downward with a cocked brow. "Fire hydrant-print boxers, eh?"
Garp promptly flushed brick red, though whether it was from outrage or being reminded that he was still sans pants, I couldn't even begin to tell.
"Points for being innovative, at the least." My grin widened tauntingly. "Oooor not, seeing as the figurehead of your ship is a dog. Do I sense a theme here?"
At that point, everyone within earshot lost it again.
-o-
The raucous laughter coming from the Transponder Snail was only matched by the raucous laughter coming from two long-suffering aged citizens.
"BAHAHAHAHA! Ohohoh, I've wanted to hear that old bastard get his for decades! This has been coming for a long time!" Dadan crowed as she pounded on the makeshift bar she'd set up in her hideout.
"WAHAHAHA! I'm right there with you, bandit! I'll never object to the SBS again, this justifies everything!" Woop Slap cackled.
Makino cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Dogra and Magra. "Is this the happiest you've ever seen yours too?"
"By far," the bandits nodded in sage agreement.
"Well, in that case, this calls for something special!" the kindly bartender proclaimed enthusiastically, walking over to a corner of the bar and withdrawing an unopened bottle. "I was saving this bottle of Wano Rice Wine that Shanks left me for a good time, and this seems as good an occasion as any to open it!"
"AGREED!" Woop Slap and Dadan proclaimed eagerly.
As the laughter redoubled, Makino filled a few glasses, passed them around and raised one for herself. "To the Straw Hat Pirates, who never cease to amaze and inspire!"
"KANPAI!"
-o-
Garp fumed and hissed indignantly for a moment before slumping over with a defeated sigh. "Oh for the love of—enough, enough! Luffy, your crew is utterly exhausting and I give up. BUT!" he barked as he drew himself up and slid his shades back over his eyes. "I'm not going to let that get me down! I'm still in a beautiful and thriving city, and I'm still on the first vacation I've had in years! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and enjoy myself and nothing anyone can say is going to change my—!"
"Puru puru puru puru!"
"Call on the direct line from Marineford for you, Vice Admiral," Bogard deadpanned as he withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat.
Garp stiffened fearfully, knocking his glasses askew in the process. "As I was saying, I'm going right back to my ship and setting off for Marineford right as soon as my men are finished with their shore leave!" he bit out hastily, spinning on his heel and striding out of the building as fast as his feet could take him. Then he paused just outside and turned back around, his arms crossed and his head bowed.
"But still… I suppose that while I have this opportunity… so long as my voice has even half a chance of reaching my idiot son… Then this just has to be said."
Everyone fell silent in anticipation of what Garp could possibly want to say.
"GET A JOB!"
WHAM!
Honestly now, it was my fault, well and truly. I really should have known better than to expect anything even remotely different from someone like a damn Monkey. Still, as it was, at least I was starting to gain a tolerance to head pains from hitting my head against the floor so much. I was also starting to taste copper, though I'm fairly certain that was supposed to be a bad thing.
"Eh…?" I slowly raised my hand as I lifted my head. "Did you not hear that little speech I made earlier? About him freeing the world from tyranny and all that?"
Garp's response was to snort out a load of steam. "THAT'S A HOBBY!"
"Oooof course," I groaned as I hung my head in defeat. "What the hell was I thinking?"
"Well, that's it, then," Garp spun on his heel and legitimately booked it, the Marines outside hastily moving out of his path. "SAFE TRAVELS!"
We all stared silently after him before Luffy grinned at Coby. "So! What's new with you?"
I hastily elbowed Nami as I once again covered the mic. "I'll direct their conversation and pump him for as much intel as I can get if you'll record it all," I hissed subtly.
The CHA-CHING! I practically heard as her spine snapped straight was all I needed in answer. Heck, maybe this could even make paying off my newly acquired debt semi-plausi—!
"STRAW HATS! STRAW HATS!"
'What did I do to deserve this?' I groaned inwardly as I turned towards the frantic and disheveled Galley-La worker who was running up towards the hole in the house. "Before you say anything!" I cut him off with a raised hand. "I already know what you're here about and it's being handled."
"YOU—wait, what? So you already know about the crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker?"
"Yes, we've already dealt with the Mari—" I froze as his words sunk in, and all eyes turned towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"Eh, just that there's a crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker," the worker shrugged indifferently. "But hey, if you've already got that handled—!"
"Sir, sir," I interrupted him again. "I'd just like to remind you that I've been on the Grand Line for several months now, so I think that it says a lot about just how utterly confused I am when I say WHAT!?"
-o-
"…You have got to me kidding me…" I muttered incredulously as the Galley-La worker and I leaned around the corner of the door to my crew's storage locker, peering inside. "Out of the literal dozens of discarded swords on that godforsaken bridge that I could have grabbed, I chose the one with the elephant Zoan in it!?"
"BAROOOOOOH!"
"Apparently yes," Soundbite deadpanned, following Funkfreed with his eyes as he reared up on his hind legs, trunk flailing about as he fought off the half-dozen dockworkers that were trying to subdue him. "And for the record, HE HASN'T SAID JACK YET, HE'S JUST BEEN YELLING INCOHERENTLY."
"Congratulations, Cross," Lassoo chuffed flatly as he ground a paw into his forehead. "Your luck has officially hit an all-time low."
I grimaced as I found myself unable to refute that statement before morphing it into a scowl. "That may be so, but you're forgetting one particular aspect of the luck of the Straw Hats: when our luck bites us in the ass, we turn it right the hell around and make it work for us!" And with that, I walked out from around the doorframe and strode into the warehouse. "Come on, guys."
Lassoo briefly eyed the rampaging elephant-sword before swallowing audibly. "Ah… can we vote on this, or—?"
"Lassoo!"
The dog-cannon flinched and followed me with a defeated whimper. Nodding, I turned in the general direction of the elephant and marched up to about a few meters away from him, waving off the shipwrights trying to subdue him in the process. "Hey, Timmy Trumpet!" I called out, spreading my arms invitingly. "Remember me?"
The white behemoth swung his head towards me, his narrowed eyes snapping wide with outrage.
"BAROOOOOOOOOOOOH!"
The Zoan-weapon turned his mass towards me, his trunk reverting to a massive blade as he prepared to mow me down…
"HOLD IT!"
Only to stall in place when I snapped my hand up.
"Listen," I calmly prompted. "I can imagine just how totally pissed off you are, and honestly, going by the craters you're sporting there—" I gestured at the talon-prints indented in Funkfreed's brow. "You have every right to be. But all I ask is for a few minutes of your time, alright? If you're not satisfied by the time I'm done talking…" My expression fell flat as I jerked my thumb at Lassoo. "Then you can take it up with him."
"GRRRRRRR!"
Lassoo drew his hackles back in a vicious snarl, flames roiling between his jaws.
Funkfreed eyed his fellow animal-weapon, his expression unreadable, before allowing his trunk to relax back into flesh with a dark snort.
"Glad to hear it," I said, crossing my arms. "Now, then, while you've got a legitimate grievance about the dents you've taken to the skull…" I snapped my finger up and pointed it at him. "I think that that's the only legitimate grievance you have right now!"
"Eh?!" Soundbite, Lassoo and the dockworkers around me yelped incredulously, matching Funkfreed's own dumbstruck look.
"Well, yeah!" I forged on. "After all, it was thanks to our crew invading Enies that you saw the first piece of action you've undoubtedly experienced in… what, a year? A decade? Your entire life? Because, come on, let's face facts here! You were Spandam's sword, and Spandam was a lot of things: a bastard, a degenerate, the list goes on and on, but two things he was above all else? He was a weakling and a coward! That means that he never, ever got into fights if he could help it and you were a superfluous accessory at best. And can you honestly tell me that I'm wrong?"
The elephant snorted and jerked his head forward in defiance, but after a second of me glaring him down, he looked away, and I heard a mumbled sound come from his mouth.
"One for one," Soundbite confirmed. "Apparently he was more pet than WEAPON."
"Eesh, poor bastard…" Lassoo flinched sympathetically.
"My thoughts exactly," I nodded. "Now, look, Funkfreed… what I want you to do for me is I want you to confirm your life up until now with whatever you remember of the Bridge of Hesitation. You remember how I grabbed you, right? I was actually using you for once in your life, how you finally got to fulfill your life's purpose?"
The sword glanced side to side fretfully for a moment before letting out a positive-sounding bray.
"That's what I hoped. Now, look, you're at a crossroads right now." I popped up a finger. "On the one hand, you can stay loyal to the Marines; fight me, possibly fight my crew, inevitably get your ass whipped and we'll let Garp take you back to the Corps. Maybe they'll destroy you so that they can reacquire your fruit, more likely they'll transfer you to another officer for their usage. Whether they'd be better or worse than Spandam, I couldn't tell you. No matter what, though, it'd be a gamble. Personally?" I popped up my second finger, and then pointed it at myself. "I'd take the second option, the guaranteed satisfaction option, of coming with me, and letting me be your wielder."
"WHAT!?" everyone squawked incredulously, even Funkfreed reeling back in shock.
"Well, yeah!" I said, throwing my arms out. "Come on, think about it! You know how utterly insane my life is, how nuts my crew's lives are! And me, personally, I get in fights all the damn time! And, well…" I flexed my gauntlets demonstratively. "As good as these babies are, I do enjoy having a guaranteed back-up weapon on me. My old baton was good, but, well… it's gone now. And, I'll admit, I'm not a swordsman, that is a fact, and for awhile I'd be pulling a Spandam by relying on your powers… but…"
I clenched my fists. "But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to match whatever effort you put in, step for step. You do right by me by supporting me, and I'll do right by you by not only helping you use your abilities to the fullest, but by giving you the best damn fights any sword on these seas has ever known!" I held my hand out to him invitingly. "Whaddaya say… friend?"
Funkfreed brayed and trumpeted hesitantly, glancing to and fro as he debated with himself.
"Ah… hey. Funkfreed, right?"
The elephant-blade blinked in surprise as Lassoo padded forward, his head cocked to the side.
"Listen…" The dog-gun glanced to the side sheepishly as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'm… sorry for my earlier reaction, alright? That was… not nice. But I've stood where you are now, and if you want my advice?" He affixed Funkfreed with a firm gaze. "If you turn him down, you'll be making the worst mistake of your life. This pirate…" Lassoo shot a smirk over his shoulder at me. "He's as nutty as they come, insane even, but he's more than a good wielder, he's a good friend. And if he wants you as his sword? Then friend, you should consider yourself to be the luckiest damn blade on the six seas… just like how I'm the luckiest damn gun."
I sniffed gratefully as I fought to hold my tears back before kneeling down and scratching Lassoo's chin. "Good dog," I whispered happily.
"Hweehweehwee!" Lassoo laughed as he planted a slobber-laden lick on my face. "Best friend!"
Funkfreed kept his head bowed as he thought things over. Then, at last, a determined glint came into his eye.
"Alright…" he whispered before raising his head and voice confidently as he extended his trunk. "Alright, I'm in! Put 'er the—!"
SMASH!
He cut himself off as both he and the rest of us faceplanted hard enough to shake the floor. But above the din of the titanic impact sounded out a single, very familiar noise.
"HAHAHAHOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEE!" Soundbite howled ecstatically. "Oh joyous day, OH JOYOUS DA-A-AY!"
"YOU ARE FUCKING SHAMELESS, SLIMESTAIN!" I spat viciously as I hauled my face up from the ground. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERY ANIMAL HAVING THEIR OWN DAMN VOICE!?"
"SCREW THAT!" Soundbite cackled in my face in response. "This was a golden opportunity, no way in hell was I LETTING SOMETHING LIKE MORAL INTEGRITY STAND IN THE WAY OF THE HOLY TRIFECTA!"
"HE IS A GOD-DAMN ELEPHANT!" I snarled as I jabbed my finger at said elephant in the room. "WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU GET MOUSE FROM THAT!?"
"I get it from 'I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!'" the snail replied with a smirk. "And I don't give a damn if the demons Disney calls its lawyers REACH ACROSS THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER TO SLAP MY SMILE OFF MY FACE WITH COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, the voice stays!"
"I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU!"
"What did I just get myself into…?" Funkfreed wept into the ground.
"No takebacksies, we're stuck on this mad ride together…" Lassoo chuffed sympathetically.
"Ugh…" I groaned as I got back on my feet. "Screw it, I know better than to try and change his mind, so let's just get back to the crew." I held my hand out to him. "If you wouldn't mind?"
"Ah, right, gimme a sec…" Funkfreed nodded hastily, placing his trunk to the ground and shifting to his sword-form, leaving an ornate blade planted upright in the stonework.
I blinked in surprise at the display before grabbing Funkfreed's hilt and drawing him from the ground, weighing him in my hand a bit before turning to the nearest Galley-La worker. "Alright, first things first: Did he actually crush anything important?"
"Ah… nah, nah, nothing like that," the shipwright assured me. "He knocked a few things over, sure, but everything looks to be alright."
I heaved a sigh of relief. "Perfect. If Nami found out that my new sword actually managed to crush her mother's trees…" I shivered in horror. "Yeah, no. I want to be able to sleep at night. Alright, alright, one more question before I go…" I pointed at Funkfreed. "Got any spare sheaths lying around that are close to a size him?"
-o-
A few minutes later, the telltale smell of burning wood and grilling meat reached my nostrils a block away from the pool where I knew the crew would be by this time, if the sunset dyeing the island orange and the sound of festivities filling the air were anything to go by.
I had to admit, I was really looking forward to it; after all, this was more than a mere impromptu shindig, it was the long-overdue and perfectly justified celebration of us reclaiming everything that the world sought to take away from us. But it was for that same reason that I was also making sure to take a longer than usual route back to our impromptu HQ, rather than heading for the light and smoke immediately.
After all, there was one loose end yet remaining from Enies Lobby, and I intended to nail it to the wall once and for fucking all.
And so, as I noticed Soundbite suddenly snap to alertness, I prepared myself for what I knew was coming.
"Cross?" the snail whispered nervously.
"Hold on, Soundbite, we're almost there," I waved him off.
"But Cross—!"
"There'll be enough meat even with Luffy there, there are Sea-King-killer ships aplenty around here, and the waters don't lack for prey either."
"Cross, seriously—"
"Soundbite, quit panicking. Everything is alright," I huffed, folding my arms behind my head as I came to a stop.
"THE HELL IT—"
"But," I cut him off sharply, my tone cold. "If it'll put your mind at ease, just remember that he's not someone who would go back on his word, and the fact that Sengoku would have to be an absolute idiot to touch us here after we so soundly dropkicked the entire globe a few days ago means that he isn't here on orders. But still, that does leave us with the pressing question: what possible reason could you have to be here, Kuzan?"
Soundbite snapped his jaws shut, his eyes wide with shock.
"Hmph…You truly are a frightening man, Jeremiah Cross," an unmistakably chilly voice drawled behind me.
"Cut the flattery and answer the question, icicle-breath," I snapped, not even deigning to turn and face him. "I want answers for Long Ring Long, and I want them now. You saw the debt you owed to Saul fulfilled, you saw Robin in her place. For a minute, I thought that I may have underestimated how decent of a Marine you are, I thought I could give you a chance." My hands clenched into fists. "And then you said it. You said that parting shot, which we both know was taken how you intended it to be read. You were aiming to shatter what little happiness she had found, and you saw just what kind of a hell it took to get it back for her." My lips drew back into a snarl. "Do you have any idea what that bastard did to her? How many bones he broke, how close she came to dying?"
His silence said enough.
I closed my eyes, and against my will, my tone became pleading. "Why, Kuzan? Why do it? Why break her trust in us, our strength? Why sic CP9, Rob Lucci himself, on her? What possible reason could you have had to hurt Robin like that?"
The silence hung heavy in the air, and the growing frigidity only made the air all the heavier. Ultimately, however, he deigned to answer me.
"Eh, I suppose I owe you something after this whole mess, and since it's sure as hell not going to be my respect, it might as well be the truth." The slight crackling of ice belied the cool drawl of his voice. "See, that little speech you gave when I made the monumental mistake of not only allowing but inviting you to talk? It actually touched base. Shook me more than I care to admit. The way you stood by Nico Robin despite everything… I don't know how, but you knew the truth of that day. And ever since that day, I've been questioning if Saul made the right choice all those years ago. If I made the right choice, if any of us did. And seeing Nico Robin, the Demon of Ohara, in the hands of someone else who knew about the hell of that day…"
"You saw that as your chance," I snapped my head up in realization, finally turning around to face him. The admiral's expression was stony, but the shame he was demonstrating was unmistakable. "You knew what you were doing as soon as you fired that parting shot. Cipher Pol 9, Enies Lobby… you set the whole thing up, matching the full force of the Marines and the World Government against whatever we could muster, just so that you could get your answer as to whose truth was truly victorious!"
Kuzan heaved a cloudy sigh as he shook his head and slowly raised his hand in denial. "No, Jeremiah Cross, not even close. Truth is… I knew the answer to that conflict the moment you repeated Saul's words to me, the answer to your words… but I didn't want to believe it. Every obstacle in your path was something I hoped I could use as an excuse to keep denying it; no matter how strong you were, surely you couldn't take on Enies Lobby and win. Surely the World Government would snuff you out, and I could put this all behind me like some bad dream. But that just didn't happen, and instead you managed to succeed with the entire world as your witness. Meaning that I've no more room left with which to deny the truth, every truth I've hidden from and dodged all these years."
The glare in his eyes sharpened as he looked into mine. "And so, to answer your initial question, Jeremiah Cross, I came here because I have a new question now, one even more daunting than the last. And considering your reputation, I want to see if you can give me an answer."
I blinked in surprise, but my expression remained firm even as I debated with myself and eventually came to a conclusion. "I won't promise anything, but ask anyway."
He visibly steeled himself. Then…
"What am I supposed to do now?"
I processed that for several seconds. I honestly thought long and hard about what he was asking, about what I could say, what I could tell him…
And ultimately, I scowled. "Get up off your ass and figure it out yourself."
"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR—WHEGH!" I grabbed Soundbite's tongue mid-sentence, cutting off his incredulous squawk.
Aokiji, meanwhile, was no less taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me!" I snarled, jabbing my finger at the towering frigid bastard. "Figure it. Out. Yourself. You say you've seen the truth, you say you want to change? Well, I call bullshit! Look at you! Even now, you're being a lazy bastard, relying on others to do your thinking for you, to give you all the answers you need. You think that someone's just going to stand up and act as your inspiration, your beacon of righteousness?" I shook my head darkly as I marched up to him. "Weeeeell tough, because that shit officially stops with me. I'm not giving you squat, Kuzan. You want your epiphany, you want a path to a better world?"
I stopped as I stood before him, reached up and started poking him in his chest. "Then you get up, you find it and you pave it with your own hands, with your own blood, sweat and tears… just like what everyone else on the planet does every. Single. Day."
For a full minute, Aokiji and I just… glared at each other, the temperature gradually and steadily lowering each and every second that the conflict drew out. Soon I was seeing my own breath, but I didn't let myself shiver or waver, refusing to sacrifice so much as an inch in the conflict.
And then, just like that, the temperature snapped right back to normal as Aokiji turned his back on me, his arm raised dismissively. "Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting from you, but it really should have been that, huh?"
I snorted firmly (it was not a sigh of relief, no matter what the hell Soundbite said) before turning as well and heading towards the party. "Your debt is paid and you're no longer welcome here. Mark my words, Ice Hole: if you ever come near my sister again, I will end you."
And so I walked away…
"Hold it."
Before halting against my will as the frosty voice spoke up again.
"Before you go… I've got two messages for you. First, for Nico Robin, tell her…" Aokiji hesitated for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Tell her that Saul's hat suits her."
I felt my teeth grind together, but held my tongue. "And second?" I grit out.
"Marshall D. Teach."
I didn't even try to stop myself from spinning around and staring at Aokiji in shock, meeting his cool gaze dead on.
"You know of him," he deduced. "Good, that makes this easier. Then allow me to be as clear as I possibly can: that man… he's dangerous, Jeremiah Cross. Dangerous in ways not even you can begin to contemplate."
Aokiji narrowed his eyes.
"Beware the Blackbeard Pirates, Cross. Beware Blackbeard."
And then he was gone.
I stared numbly at the spot where he was a moment before as the temperature slowly began increasing again. Then I was all but dunked in ice water as realization hit me full force.
"Ace," I breathed in horror.
The next thing I knew, I was running with all the speed I could muster towards the source of the noise, rushing through every alleyway I could find as Soundbite, having put the pieces together, spewed out the fastest route he could find. The exact instant that I arrived, I sprinted in the direction he indicated, ignoring any comments along the way, bodychecking anyone in my way out of my path…
"Oh, hey Cwo—!"
"GIMME!"
CRASH!
"GAH!"
Aaaaand finishing it all off by bodily tackling Luffy and snatching his hat off his head before he knew what actually hit him.
"Card, card, where's the fucking card!?" I hissed as I frantically rifled through one of the most valuable pieces of headwear in human history, until finally…
"GOTCHA!" I whooped as I located the invaluable card and held it high—
"BASTARD!"
CRACK!
"GARGH!"
Just in time for Luffy to sucker punch me into a wall, square in the nose to boot.
"Aaaaargh, shonnuva—OW!" I winced as I snapped my nose back into place.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, CROSS?!" a blur I vaguely recognized as Luffy roared above me, stomping about furiously. "YOU STOLE MY HAT AND YOU MADE ME CHOKE ON MY MEAT!"
"Grgrggghhh… gimme a second to stop seeing double and I'll tell you," I groaned, rubbing my head and blinking several times, but not letting the paper in my other hand leave it. Finally, as my vision came back into focus, I brought the paper in front of my eyes—
"…pfheh… pfheheheh… PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"
Luffy paused in confusion as I started cackling like a madman. "Ah… Cross? What's so funny?"
"PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Funny? Funny!?" I choked out through my euphoria as I worked my way to my feet. "Not funny, HAPPY! Happy because we've won! AGAIN! A gamble I worried about above all others, a last ditch throw whose outcome I doubted every step of the way, and it's just hit on all sixes! We won again! We won we won we won WE WON! PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
"Eeeehhh…" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I don't get it."
"PFFHAHAHA!" I crowed ecstatically as I shot up and slung my arm around Luffy's shoulders, surreptitiously replacing the perfectly intact Vivre Card of Portgas D. Ace back in his hat in the process. "There's nothing to get, mon ami! Right now, all we must do is what you've been doing up until now: celebrate! Eat, drink, and above all else, be as merry as possible!"
"OI!"
THWACK!
My smile barely even shifted as my head was knocked to the side on account of a crutch bouncing off my skull, and I instead turned it towards the source of the projectile. "I take it I struck a nerve?" I called out.
"YER DARN RIGHT YE DID!" Merry crowed from atop a recently-returned Sodom's head, grinning like a lunatic as she flailed her remaining crutch about. "AFTER ALL, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER MERRY IN THE SIX BLUE SEAS BUT ME! Now, if you'll excuse me!" Before anyone could stop her, the girl-ship leapt off of the King-Bull's head with a whoop. "CANNONBAAAALL!"
"YAHOO! WAIT FOR ME!"
"Eh?" I glanced at Luffy in confusion, only to find that he'd ducked out from under my arm and was running towards the pool oh that dumb son of a—
"CANNONBALL!" the most senior hammer on our crew crowed as he followed our second-most senior hammer into the pool.
"YOU IDIOTS!" most of the crew howled indignantly as the pair splashed down, more than a few of our non-hammers following them in in an attempt to rescue them… or properly drown them, I honestly couldn't tell you which.
"…whoops," I muttered in embarrassment, a sweatdrop hanging from my brow.
"Heheheh… Anything but mindless good fun, hm, Cross?"
I snickered in agreement even as I turned and accepted the drink Robin was offering me. "And we wouldn't have it any other way, would we?" I paused to take a deep sip from the glass before gracing her with an angelic smile. "Oh, and by the way, if you drugged this too, you'll wake up tomorrow morning with pink hair."
Robin's smile remained fixed even as she tilted her head to the side. "Dearest brother, I feel it is only fair to warn you that if I wind up pink, you wind up bald."
"M.A.D.! Is there no better way to prevent a war?" Soundbite cackled.
"If there is, I've yet to find one," Robin shrugged helplessly even as she took a sip of her own. However, even in spite of her glass hiding her mouth, I could see her smile shrink slightly. "So… Cross. To confirm, your knowledge of the future… it came from… a book?"
I hid my grimace with my own glass. "Oooh trust me, I've been seeing ripples as is, and after today and Enies, I can only imagine that they're going to get worse from here."
"Hm…" Robin hummed contemplatively as she peered into her drink.
"But… I'm not worried."
Before glancing up in shock as I continued with a smile.
"Because… earlier, when I was going insane and laughing my ass off? I was doing it because the worst tragedy I could think of in the days to come has just been officially averted. Things are changing, and not all for the better, sure, but I at least managed to do that right! And… even if something does come our way, a problem I didn't foresee, some foe ready to crush us all into paste…" I looked up at our crewmates partying around us, thoroughly enjoying the sight. "Then… I trust that this crew can handle them, no matter what!" I allowed the side of my smile out of Robin's sight to fall into a grimace. "At least, for a little while longer…" I grumbled to myself.
"Hmmm…" Robin hummed some more as she contemplated my words, but she eventually shrugged it off and went back to smiling. "Well, if that's the case, I suppose I'll just have to follow your lead, won't I?"
I nodded in agreement before pausing as a thought occurred to me. "Ah, and before I forget? Don't worry about Aokiji anymore. We… well, you won't see him again." I glanced to the side with a scowl. "Not if he knows what's good for him, at any rate…"
My big sis blinked in confusion before frowning and grabbing my cheek with a sharp tug. "I know that I'm not terribly well-versed in such matters, but unless my memory of the many books I've read over the years fails me, it's the older sibling who protects the younger, correct?"
"Aw, c'mon!" I snickered, entirely ignoring the hold she had on my face. "We've never been even remotely close to conventional in the past, why start now, ne?"
Robin glared at me a bit more before looking away with a huff, her cheeks slightly puffed out. "Maybe so, but it's still embarrassing…"
"Pfhehehe—!"
"GYAAAAAH! HEEEELP!"
I was cut off by Luffy suddenly hollering at the top of his lungs as he ran around… with Merry hanging off of his neck?!
"Come oooon, Captain!" she pleaded desperately. "Gimme a bite! An eentsy weentsy bite! No, less than that! A nibble, a morsel, even a lick will do! Just let me taste it!"
I felt a blue pallor come over my expression the same time it fell over Robin's.
"Ah…" she mumbled helplessly.
"Soundbite…?" I all but pleaded.
"She's talking about his hat."
"Oh-thank-God…" we sighed in relief, slumping forward.
I held the position for a bit before glancing at Robin. "There's no chance in hell she'd settle for a nibble, is there?"
"Not a one," Robin confirmed with chuckle as she righted herself. She was then silent for a bit as she observed the pair's antics, smiling fondly. "Still, getting back on topic… I must admit, some of the less savory adjustments aside, it's truly wonderful that you found a means through which to save her. I'm glad that I didn't have to suffer such a horrendous blight on the best day of my life."
"Heh. No chance of that happening either way, Robin," I chuckled as I waved her off. "I got desperate enough to save her en route to Enies that I appealed to the omnipotent asshat that dropped me here for a mulligan on saving her. It gave me her fruit in return for the entertainment I gave it—though I would have still done it anyways, the bastards deserved it for the hell they put you through—but if the fruit didn't work, it still gave me one last Hail Mary I could make use of."
"Oh?" Robin cocked her eyebrow as she made to take another sip of her drink. "Now that I think about it, I do recall Boss being surprised that you were willing to accept. What was the offer it proposed?"
I smirked as I subtly withdrew a Vision Dial, holding it at the ready while she started to drink.
"Oooh, nothing major… just instantaneous gender reassignment."
"PFFFT!"
Ahhh, a genuine spit take from Nico Robin, and I managed to immortalize it? Yes, indeed, let there be no doubts: life… was good.
Once she finished hacking and coughing, she pinned me with a glare, but then her eyes widened as she realized that I wasn't kidding. For a few more seconds, she just stared at me. Then she bowed her head, tilting her hat to cover her face.
I frowned in concern as she started to shake, but then I heard it.
"…dere… dereshi…"
It started slow, and then without warning, Nico Robin, the Devil's Child, the Demon of Ohara…
"DERESHISHISHI! DERESHISHISHISHISHIII!"
Flung her head back and started laughing her guts out, tears of mirth fountaining from her eyes as she struggled to stay upright from laughing so hard.
I blinked in shock as I processed the completely and utterly unprecedented sight before me, but I was swift to get over my paralysis and hastily did two things: First, I snapped off a second photograph, because this too was a moment worthy of immortality. And second?
"PFFHAHAHAHA! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
"HEEHEEHEEHEEhoohoohooHAHAHAAAAA!"
I joined her in her mirth, both my snail and I laughing right alongside her. Because really, what else could I do under those circumstances? And hell, we would have probably kept laughing for a good long while, too, had life not decided to interrupt us.
"HOOHOOHOO—huh?" Soundbite suddenly cut himself off, one of his eyestalks cocked at something, before interrupting our dying laughter with a shrill whistle. "Hey, sorry to interrupt, but just FYI? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY SHUTTERBUG AT THIS SHINDIG. SOMEBODY'S SNAPPING SHOTS OF OUR FRIENDS."
"Ah…" Robin snapped her gaze around as she analyzed our surroundings. "So 'Flaming' Attachan is here, then? I see…" She glanced at me inquisitively. "I trust you have a plan, Cross?"
"Hell yeah!" I nodded firmly. "I'm striking myself a pose, and I suggest you hop to it and do the same!"
"…eh?" Robin blinked in confusion.
"What, you think I'm actually gonna stop him?" I scoffed incredulously. "Please, if not today, then they'll try and snap our photos tomorrow. That's a fact, and not even I can stop it. As such…" I snapped up a thumbs-up. "I'm making sure that my anonymity dies on my terms, and not by candid! Get my drift?"
Robin stared at me silently before shrugging with a weary-yet-fond sigh. "I don't know what else I was expecting."
"Me neither. Now, if you'll excuse me—!" I interrupted myself as I suddenly broke into a sprint, dashing over to the nearest table I could find and leaping onto it, and jerking my transceiver's mic from its cradle.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE WORLD OVER, IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" I called out, my hand raised high into the air.
The vast majority of the eyes at the party snapped over to me, and according to Soundbite's whispered intel, one particular camera-lens as well.
"AS YOU ALREADY KNOW," I proclaimed. "I'M JEREMIAH CROSS!"
"AND I'M SOUNDBITE!" the snail concurred.
"AND AS YOU ALSO KNOW, IT'S ONCE AGAIN TIME—!"
"TO START THE SBS!"
I… actually needed a second to recover from that. "Loud."
"AND FREAKING RUDE!" Soundbite howled at the crowd. "THAT'S MY DAMN SHTICK!"
"SHOVE IT UP YOUR SHELL, MUCUS STAIN!" Mikey cackled,
"GRRRRGH—!"
"ANYWAY!" I picked up hastily before he could really pick up steam. "NOW THAT OUR GOOD CAPTAIN IS AWAKE—!"
"HELP!" said captain cried out as he ran past, Merry still clinging to his neck. "OUR SHIP IS TRYING TO EAT MY HAT!"
"JUST LET ME LICK IT ALREADY, DAMN IT!"
I shuddered. "Trust me, it sounds even worse out of context… BUT ANYWAY, SEEING AS LUFFY'S AWAKE, WE'VE DECIDED THROW THE PARTY OF A LIFETIME TO COMMEMORATE… PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED, AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED! AS SUCH?" I spread my arms invitingly. "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU RESIDE IN THE HEIGHTS OF HEAVEN!"
"OR IF YOU DWELL WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"
I snapped my finger down, pointing straight at Attach's camera as I held the mic to my mouth, the biggest damn grin plastered on my face.
"ALL AT ONCE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Soundbite and I roared in tandem. "LET'S ROCK!"
And as the whole of the party roared their approval all at once, I caught sight of a single flash in all of the chaos and I allowed myself a victorious fist pump.
I was about to get down and rejoin Robin…
"COME ON GUYS, SOMEONE HELP—! Oh, hey, Cross, is that a sword on your back?" Luffy stopped mid-run in front of me, pointing at—!
I grinned ecstatically at the glorious opportunity that had just been presented to me.
"Oh, yeah, almost forgot! HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?" I called out, garnering the crew's attention to me. I then drew Funkfreed, tossed him behind my shoulder…
"BAROOOH!"
"WOOHOO!" I cheered as a trunk grabbed my midsection and lifted me onto the pachyderm's back. I laughed eagerly as I waved my arms at everyone. "I GOT AN ELEPHANT! SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SWORD, FUNKFREED!"
"Hiya, guys!" said sword said, waved his trunk politely.
Nami only allowed herself to gape for a moment before snapping her mouth shut and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead. "Why on earth am I even surprised at this point?"
"Hell if I know," Zoro said, rolling his eyes. "Personally, I say you should have seen it coming. We were actually overdue for Cross bringing another animal into the crew by this point."
Vivi swapped her gaze between the elephant I was riding and Carue scrambling away as fast as possible before marching over to the nearest bar she could find. "Jack, straight up, now."
"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry cheered ecstatically above the roar of the crowd. "I LOVE THIS CREW SO DAMN MUCH!"
-o-
And so it all continued, no less rambunctious to the end of the night. From the elevated platform where Usopp was singing, the meat-eating contest between Luffy and the giants, a large population of animals stopping by for the sake of being able to talk, and the messy results of the Dugongs trying to splash Funkfreed (two-ton elephant cannonballing into a tiny-ass pool equals huge-ass splash), the winding down was a very gradual process.
In the end, however, the embers of the barbecue died out, and most everyone was slumbering with full bellies and smiles as darkness fell over the island. Heck, I was even about to join them! I'd found a comfortable place to lie down and sleep the night away, and I was just about to doze off—
CHOMP!
"YEOW, SONNUVA—!" When, of course, I was snapped awake by the damn pest riding shotgun on my shoulder deciding to nom on my neck for no good reason. "What the hell, you little—!?"
"Incoming half-decent FEATHER-RAT," he interrupted, his expression grim. Or disgusted, either or.
"I guess I should take that as a compliment, huh? Certainly better than what I got before."
"Eh—Oh!" I jerked upright as a familiar voice snagged my attention. "Hey, Coo!" I waved at the casual-clad News Coo as he perched on a nearby table. "Long time no squawk. What brings you to this particular stretch of sea?" I stiffened as a thought struck me. "Please tell me the Government isn't ruining another of our crewmates' lives! Or, well…" I cast a surreptitious glance at a certain snoozing cyborg. "You know what I mean."
"Nah, nah, nothing like that, Cross," the albatross reassured me with a wave of his wing, fishing a bundle of paper out of his bag with the other. "This time, I'm fairly certain everything I'm passing you is fairly self-evident. Or at least, nothing that directly affects your crew. But the printers are charging about ten times the normal rate for this special edition they're burning the presses for, so I thought I'd give you a wing." He ha—er, winged the paper over to me. "But if anyone asks—!"
"I got it from a gull in a trenchcoat, dun' worry about it," I said as I started to open the paper and wave him off, before freezing as a thought struck me. "Ah, by the way, while I have you… you happen to run any delivery routes that pass through Navarone by any chance?"
"Nah, not recently," Coo shook his head in denial. "Matter of fact, I've been haggling to get more pirate ships than anything. After what you've been saying, well…" He glanced to the side with a grimace. "It just seems safer is all."
"D'oh…" I thwacked a hand to my forehead. "I didn't expect that to fall under negative consequences of what I did… ugh. Well, see if you can hang at least one visit to Navarone. It'd be for a good cause, and I can vouch for the Marines there."
Coo blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But for now, I've gotta get back. They see I'm missing and decide to run inventory, my ass is as good as plucked and roasted. I guess I'll see you next time you make the big news." He cocked his eyebrow at me with a smirk. "Meaning in about a month, two at most?"
"You know us so well," Soundbite sneered back.
The albatross grinned cheekily as he saluted, then began flapping away.
"Good to see him again," I mused before turning my attention to my little literary preview I'd been gifted. "Anyways, let's see, where to start…"
"HEY, CHECK IT!" Soundbite whooped eagerly, waving his eyestalk at a packet of papers in the folds. "OUR BOUNTIES! Damn, that shutterbug works fast! COME ON, I WANNA SEE just how steamed the high and holy asshats are!"
"In a second, in a second, keep your shell on," I waved him off as I set the papers aside. "I'm curious too, but let me check the rest of this thing first, alright? I'll check them out if there isn't anything more impo—oh holy SHITE!" I snapped to my feet as I hastily read over the passage that had caught my eye. "Oooooh… ohohoooh, this… this has potential."
"THE HELL ARE YOU—!?" I pointed out the article and he read a few lines in before mirroring my grin. "You're right! Screw bounties, this is way more important!"
"My thoughts exactly," I nodded in agreement as I stored the paper back in my coat and started walking out of the enclosure. "Wake the other three—sorry, four, and tell them to meet me in the street. This is gonna be good."
Four bodies promptly jerked awake, and slowly got to their feet, Zoro carrying Merry on his shoulder as they staggered towards me.
"Morning, sleeping beauties!" I greeted them with a cheerful wave. "I take it you all slept we—?"
"Shut it."
"—grk!" I choked as my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth.
"Well, at least that still works…" Vivi muttered acridly as she kneaded the bridge of her nose before shooting a glare at me. "Cross, let me be clear here: I am currently weathering a hangover which you caused. This had better be damn good."
I whimpered when she suddenly snapped her Cutter's chain taut between her fists.
"Or else. Now talk…" Vivi narrowed her eyes before snapping them wide in alarm. "About what you brought us here for! Damn, that was close."
I sighed in relief as I got control of my tongue back before allowing myself a smirk. "How does another meeting with CP9 sound to you guys?"
That shocked the sleep straight out of them.
"Seriously!?" Merry demanded indignantly. "Those bastards are actually hankering for a round two after you already punted their asses to the curb?"
"Guess we'll just have to do it again…" Nami scowled, the clouds around her starting to darken and crackle.
"Nah, nah, nothing like that," I waved them off casually. "They haven't had any medical treatment in two days, so they're still about as bad off as we left them. All they're planning to do is pass us by while walking down the sea-train tracks."
Zoro cocked his eyebrow at me as he released Kitetsu's hilt. "Then what the hell do you want us for?"
I smirked as I withdrew and unfolded the newspaper. "Because I'd prefer to have some measure of backup with me to deter them from doing anything stupid after they read this."
My crewmates leaned in and read the article I was tapping. Then they stared up at me with a combination of shock, horror, disbelief and, in Merry's case, eagerness.
"You cannot be serious," Vivi announced.
My smirk widened all the more.
"Oh, good God, he is," Nami said, paling in horror.
"I really love this crew…" Merry sighed joyfully.
-o-
The waters running by Water 7 were as placid as they could be on the Grand Line, the Sea Train that ruled the local seas slumbering in its rail yard and nothing bigger than a human disturbing the natural ebb and flow of the waves. Even the Sea Train tracks were stable enough that anyone with sea legs could walk on them reliably… which, as it happened, was exactly what was breaking the calm of the ocean on the borderline between night and day.
To anyone who had recently started serving at Enies Lobby, there was a certain fact of life that would come as an immediate surprise: The Watchdog Unit of the Law may have worked well in conjunction with their riders, and the watchdogs and their riders might have both hearkened to the command of Judge Baskerville, but the one who commanded and tamed the hounds in the first place was Jabra of CP9.
And of equal astonishment, despite the irritability and insubordination that he often displayed as a direct result of his chief, his rival, and his subordinates, the wolf-man also housed a relatively tranquil side that he had passed on to his 'trainees'. Ruthlessness to enemies, yes, but staunch loyalty to allies… whenever his or their bloodlust didn't overcome his pack instinct, at any rate.
Granted, this pack loyalty didn't extend to the many faceless Marines and agents that cycled through the island and treated it like a vacation spot, but it did pertain to their original master and his allies… however often said allies tended to shoot stink-eyes at each other.
And so it was that fifty white wolves padded through the twilight, some carrying other packmembers on their backs, while others supported the agents to whom they had sworn their lives, and subsequently gathered from their places of defeat.
Kalifa, Fukuro, and Kumadori were managing to stiffly march amidst their ranks, while Blueno and Jabra were limping along, supported on both sides by a pair of wolves. However, not all of the agents were quite so well off, and as such Kaku and Lucci were being dragged along on a pair of cots hitched to some wolves, the one barely awake and the other utterly comatose, his pet pigeon drunkenly wobbling on his chest. Their long march had been silent from the moment that Enies Lobby, their ruined home, fell out of their sight. And only now did it break.
"We'll be passing Water 7 soon," Kalifa observed quietly.
"Almost makes me feel wistful," Kaku muttered as he angled the brim of his hat over his eyes.
"I'll admit it wouldn't be unpleasant to go—oh, honestly?" Hattori began before cutting himself off with a groan, causing all present to freeze.
"…Watchdogs, keep moving," Jabra growled.
"Yes, Boss Jabra," the wolves chorused as the company began moving again.
"Alright, and now before anyone gets it into their heads to panic," the Wolf-Zoan bit out. "You all said that that pest Soundbite could be do this subconsciously, right?" He got a nod in response. "Good, that means we're still fine for now. So keep your shit cool, your heads down, and let's get past this place before anyone—!"
"YOU REALLY THINK you're that lucky?"
The watchdogs froze, cowering in terror.
"Oh, for the love of God…" Kalifa groaned wearily.
"NO LOVE, only wrath. NOW GET A MOVE ON, we're waiting for you at the Blue Station."
Fukuro tugged nervously on his zipper. "Ah… not that I'm in any way utterly terrified of the concept of running into that crew and their devil-seadog again, but is there… any way past Water 7 that doesn't involve us running into them?"
Blueno hung his head, groaning. "Considering how there's only the one line besides the railyard at Water 7, and the snail will most likely blast my eardrums if it hears an Air Door? Unless you'd all like to take a swim…"
"Let's just take our lumps as they come," Kaku groaned as he waved his hand in defeat. "Best case scenario? Cross rips the bloodhound a new one."
Jabra snarled darkly at the giraffe-man, but he motioned the wolves forward.
The already-tense air around the group grew fit to snap as they approached Water 7, the marching a solemn and nihilistic action on account of the self-evident fate that awaited them.
As the Blue Station steadily came into view, the grinding of Jabra's teeth became increasingly audible, and as they caught sight of none other than Jeremiah Cross himself sitting on the edge of the platform, his legs kicking about casually in the void, said grinding was interrupted by a very audible snap and growl. And Jabra would have most likely tried to take Cross's head off too, were it not for the trio of crewmates looming behind him with their weapons at the ready, with a fourth child-sized one perched on Roronoa's shoulder and somehow looking as menacing as the rest of them.
Cross perked his head up at the snap, shooting a thoroughly aggravating grin at the assassins. "Ahhh, hello there, assassins! Enjoying a lovely night stroll, eh?"
"SIGNS and stench POINT TO—!"
"Can we please just skip ahead to whatever the hell your point is, chapapaaaarghhh…" Fukuro interrupted with a pained groan as he massaged his skull. "Forty-eight hours later and my head is still ringing like a bell…"
"Not in the mood for my antics, hmm?" he chuckled, shrugging as he waved his hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, I'll go ahead and get to the point: In a nutshell, we're here to make a demonstration of what happens to enemies of ours such as you. Juuust so that there's no mistakes or misunderstandings about our modus operandi, ya know?"
Almost half of the group swallowed heavily at that, including Kalifa, but she steeled her back and glared him dead in the eye, albeit with a slight shiver when the clouds looming above them rumbled ominously. "B-Before you do… whatever it is you plan to do, I have to know one thing: how did you know about my Devil Fruit? Our Devil Fruits?" She swung her arm back at Kaku. "Not even the most famed and accomplished of clairvoyants has ever been able to discern the nature of an unrecorded Devil Fruit, and yet you identified two at once without ever even seeing them. How… How is that possible?"
Cross blinked in surprise before slowly letting his grin take on a menacing undertone. "As Kaku said way back when—ya know, when I utterly ruined five years of deep cover work?" The pirate's smirk widened as several of the assassins twitched. "I've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of my knowledge, Kalifa. I know a lot of things that, by all accounts, are utterly impossible for me to know."
"Things that were… things that are… and some things… that have not yet come to pass," Soundbite sneered in a deep feminine voice that emanated age and wisdom.
"Allow me to demonstrate," Cross continued, tilting his head to the side just so. "The reason you guys are running all the way out here, tails between your legs—some offence—" He directed the comment at the Watchdogs, causing several dozen to start growling. At least, until Soundbite snarled back, reducing them to whimpers. "Is that the Marines started combing through the wreckage of Enies looking for you guys. And they were not doing it for your benefit, were they?"
The assassins shared nervous glances before Jabra responded with a snarl. "Yeah? What the hell of it, you two-bit piece of—?"
"The reason I bring it up," Cross flatly interrupted, all amusement wiped from his face. "Is that I can fill in the blanks you no doubt have. See, after a debacle of these proportions and with us nice and missing, the World Government needed a hide to pin the mess on. Now, I've already guaranteed that they're taking their metric ton of flesh from Spandam, but for something on this scale? It's just nowhere near enough." Cross withdrew a roll of paper from his jacket and tossed it to Kumadori. "That's where you come in."
The kabuki-styled assassin blinked at the newspaper in his hands before unfolding it and giving it a quick scan… which he swiftly followed up with a gasp. "YOYO—WHAT THE HELL!?"
"Eh? What is it, what is it? Something juicy?" Fukuro nearly squealed, bouncing up and down in an effort to catch sight of whatever it was his comrade was reading.
"You could say that," Cross mused casually as he made a show of examining the bandages where his fingernails used to be. "That newspaper, which is currently being rush-printed and will be spread across the world come morning, has your names, faces, alternate names and faces, and capabilities spread all over it."
That caused each and every one of the assassins to stiffen in shock and horror.
"…what?" Blueno gaped numbly.
"To summarize," Cross continued unhindered. "They're pinning everything on you and your so-called 'incompetence', and have done everything but put bounties on your heads." The pirate looked up, pinning them with a frigid glare. "You all are no longer members of Cipher Pol Number 9 because the World Government has disavowed each and every last one of you, including the legendary Rob Lucci."
"In a word?" Soundbite smiled frigidly. "You've BEEN BURNED. And when you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. Bottom line: As long as you're burned, you're not going anywhere."
"Heh, nice," Cross chuckled, holding his hand up to Soundbite who eagerly responded with an eye-five.
Fukuro and Kumadori were gaping almost comically, while Kalifa and Blueno looked utterly devastated and Jabra looked fit to rear back and howl, the wolves beside him attempted to console him. And Hattori, for his part, just looked straight-up disgusted.
Finally, Kaku gathered enough strength to lean up on his cot and direct a stare with something very close to hatred at the pirate. "Is that why you came here? It's not enough that you were responsible for all of this, but you have to rub it in our faces and kick us while we're down? Is that the punishment we've earned for what we did to Nico Robin and the rest of your crew?" he asked frigidly.
The other assassins slowly broke out of their stupors to match Kaku's glare.
"Mmm…" Cross tapped his chin in clearly exaggerated thought before shrugging indifferently, entirely unaffected by the sheer force of hate being directed at him. "Nah, that's stupid. After all, you guys aren't our enemies anymore, right?"
That brought the assassins up short, causing them to blink at him in confusion.
"Ah… come again?" Hattori slowly raised his wing in askance. "Come again?"
"Well, sure!" Cross nodded sagely. "Two days ago, we fought each other practically to the death because you lot were all tools of the World Government, following your orders to the letter with dogged persistence and loyalty. But now, the World Government's dropped you all like yesterday's garbage! Know what that makes all of you to us?"
"…nobodies?" Jabra guessed with a snarl.
"Close!" Cross chirped as he dropped his chin onto his fists, his expression serene and casual… up until he cracked open an eye full of menace. "You're a bunch of highly-trained and dangerous nobodies who are now out of an employer, and are now in need of a new one."
Fifty jaws hit the tracks, while seven stiffened furiously. "And you're thinking of filling that position, then?" Kaku asked suspiciously.
"Meh, after a fact." Cross waved his hand carelessly before reaching into his jacket. "Ah, before I forget; here, catch." He withdrew an envelope and flung it out to them.
Fukuro caught it and took a single glance inside before reeling in shock. "What the—?!"
"Severance pay for Lucci, courtesy of Iceburg, plus Kaku and Kalifa's. I never got the chance to give it to you at Enies. It should be more than enough to cover your needs for the immediate future. As for long-term…" Cross rolled his finger a bit, prompting Fukuro to draw out a small slip of paper. "I'd suggest you call that there number once you're all free and clear. Trust me, it'll be worth your while. Hell!" He spread his arms invitingly. "I bet you'll wonder whether or not you ever left your previous job.
"…What exactly are you saying, Cross?" Blueno inquired suspiciously.
Cross's smile jerked upwards. "Simply this: You've all dedicated your lives to serving the World Government's justice, and while they have found your results to be lacking, I still see merit in them. As such, I'm offering you all a new justice to follow, one that should, with any luck, prove to be far more appreciative of your time and effort. But hey!" He folded his arms behind his head and started carelessly swaying side to side. "It's just that: an offer. Right now, you have the power and the freedom to make your own path, however and wherever you so choose. Just consider this… a peace offering; after all, if your former allies are now your enemies, why not consider making your former enemies your allies?"
"And you honestly expect us to believe that you'd aid us all so freely after we tried to kill you all?" Hattori asked incredulously.
"What are you, stupid or something?" the girl on Roronoa's shoulder chuckled. "Vivi tried to kill us all within twenty-four hours of meeting us, Nami faked killing Usopp in the East Blue, Sanji and Zoro try to kill each other on a daily basis, and Robin tried to kill Cross within ten minutes of meeting him!"
"Everybody tries to kill everybody! It's how we communicate ON THIS CREW!" Soundbite grinned.
"Hell!" Cross threw his hands up with a laugh. "It's how everybody communicates in the Grand Line! It's only when you actually kill someone that there's problems! But, ah, seriously, if it'll help…" Cross waved his hand before his face with a sheepish smile. "I've already tried the whole 'kick 'em while they're down' routine awhile back. Did not end well for me, still hasn't ended yet and I doubt it will for awhile. Trust me, I've learned my lesson: revenge is a bitch on both parties, so…"
He clapped his hands together before his wide smile. "Just trust me on this, m'kay? Because really, now… what exactly do you have besides your lives and the clothes on your backs to lose?"
The assassins exchanged looks for the next minute, an unspoken conversation passing between them. Finally, Kaku responded.
-o-
"Pfheheheh…" I chuckled as I watched the large party march off into the distance. "Quite the creative fellow, isn't he?"
"And why exactly are you so chipper?" Nami cocked her eyebrow questioningly as she rested her staff across her shoulders. "Last time I checked, a good negotiation doesn't end when one party cusses out the other."
"Save that that was all they did…" Vivi mused as she followed my line of sight.
"Eh?"
"They didn't toss out the number, witch," Zoro grunted as he dug a pinkie in his ear. "And if they didn't do it now, I'd bet they're not going to do it later."
Nami processed that, blinking rapidly before crossing her arms as she finally turned to watch them. "…Well, how about that… Still, though." She glanced at me uncertainly. "You really think it's a good idea to recruit them?"
"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Merry shrugged as she slid off of Zoro's shoulder and ambled over to our navigator. "Seriously, what? They betray us? To who? They seek out revenge? They might be jobless, but they're still pros. They prove to be incompetent? We already know they aren't. There's no downside!"
"Admittedly, Lucci could prove to be something of a problem, the bastard is headstrong if nothing else…" I muttered as I rolled my shoulders, popping a few sleepy joints. "But meh, I trust it'll all work out in the end. At the very least, there's no shame in trying."
"Well, when you put it like that…" Nami shrugged as she finally allowed her clouds to lighten up a bit.
"Glad to hear that you approve. Now then, let's—ah!" I started to push myself to my feet, but I paused as a ray of light lanced its way into my eye, forcing me to snap my hand up with a wince. "Geeze, what the—!?…oh. Well, now…" I slowly trailed off as I sat back down, my gaze set dead ahead on the horizon. "Ain't that a helluva sight…"
And damn well it was. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and Paradise was doing its darnedest to earn its title. You ever seen a dawn so beautiful you're just left speechless? Because damn… they don't come often.
"Heh…" Vivi chuckled lightly as she folded her arms before her chest, casually tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It has been awhile since I've actually taken the time to get up and watch it… Now I see what I've been missing."
"Tch," Zoro scoffed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's just a sunrise, nothing special." Nonetheless, we could all hear the grin in his voice.
"Oh, shut up and enjoy the scenery, mosshead," Nami chirped cheerfully, her clouds flicking about casually as she swayed back and forth on her heels.
"Eh, personally I'm of two minds," Merry sighed as she plopped herself in my lap and started kicking her legs thoughtfully. "On the one hand, I'm human now, so I need to sleep, meaning that I won't always be able to watch the sunrise like before…"
"BUUUUT?" Soundbite queried.
Merry tilted her head back and grinned eagerly. "But! Now I can share it with all of you, and that makes this worth it!"
I smiled endearingly as I leaned forwards and rested my chin on her head.
"Yeah…" I whispered, watching the sun peek over the horizon without so much as a speck of worry for the future.
And so my friends and I, a mere fraction of my family, watched a new day dawn together.
"Yeah, it does."
And so life was good.
-o-
A relatively fair distance away from Water 7, Admiral Aokiji peered out of a porthole below the deck of his battleship at that selfsame sunrise with no small amount of melancholy.
The Admiral continued to contemplate the sunrise even as he naturally went about his task, frosty breath exhaling from his mouth and stretching from corner to corner of the insulated room he was in and dropping the temperature to subzero temperatures.
It was an odd order, to be sure, but Aokiji could see the logic behind it, however twisted. In the end, the actions he was taking would ensure the the optimal outcome for the sentence of the World Government's latest prisoner.
For all that he could see the logic, however, Aokiji could not help but harbor doubts after the events of Enies Lobby, but neither could he find the wherewithal to disobey his orders. As such, he dutifully went about his task of renewing the room's cryogenic temperatures before exiting the customized cell.
On his way out, however, he took notice of one of the guards outside snapping his head away in order to hide a grimace.
Aokiji considered him for a moment before sighing as he scratched the back of his skull. "Speak your mind, Marine," the admiral drawled. "I'm not Akainu."
The guard stiffened at being discovered, but after a moment's debate he slowly turned to look his vastly superior officer in the eye with a gaze full of doubt. "This—" he began hoarsely. He coughed and swallowed, and tried again. "Sir, with all due respect, this is… this is not a good idea. More than that, it's… It's foolhardy, stupid even. After everything Jeremiah Cross said on the SBS, with everything going on right now, for us to do… to do this?" The soldier shook his head in denial. "I… this, this could destroy the Marines, sir."
Aokiji silently stared at the guard before shaking his head with another sigh. "Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with you, soldier, and if I could I'd cut him loose here and now… but unfortunately, the orders came down from above my paygrade, so that's a no-can-do."
"B-But surely if you brought it up with Fleet Admiral—!"
"Came down from above Sengoku's head too," Aokiji continued grimly. "And Kong's, to boot."
The guard's words died in his throat as he contemplated those words, and after a moment he slowly turned his head to stare at the freezer door in despair. "Why… Why would they do this, sir?"
"Mmm…" Aokiji scratched at his temple contemplatively. "From what I've heard… they had a plan."
"S-Sir?"
"An old plan," the frigid admiral continued, slowly striding to a nearby wall and sinking down into a sitting position with his elbows rested on his legs. "One they'd had on the backburner for awhile. They were always going to enact it, they were just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. But now…" Aokiji's brow furrowed darkly. "After all that's happened? After the Darkest Day in the History of the World? Apparently… the plan has been changed."
"C-Changed… changed how?"
"Well, before? He," Aokiji nodded at the door. "Was the endgame of it all. The one true objective and piece they needed. But now…" The Chilly-man jerked his thumb downwards. "Now he's been demoted to a mere lynchpin. Important and optimal, sure, but ultimately replaceable. They're merely using him for some other goal. Something grander than what they had in mind before… something worse."
The guard stared at the admiral for a few seconds as he processed that before swallowing heavily. "But… But, sir… People… people are going to die for this plan to succeed…" The man walked to the freezer door, slid open a peephole in the metal, and gazed inside.
"What could possibly justify those deaths? What good could possibly come…" he breathed as he watched the young man slumber within, both on account of the cold and the IV stuck in his arm, a necklace of red beads the only clothing he wore above the waist. "From executing Fire Fist Ace?" He then glanced to the side, eyeing the other two sleeping prisoners with unease. "Not to mention imprisoning Maelstrom Spider Squardo and Ice Witch Whitey Bay?"
Aokiji sighed heavily and made to answer…
"Zehahaha! More than you'd think, little man!"
Only to snap his jaw shut with a barely suppressed snarl when the voice of the newest bane of his existence suddenly grated on his ears. The ice-man glared icicles at the staircase the large figure had descended from. "Blackbeard," he bit out.
"Zehahahahaaa! Awww, c'mon, Aokiji, call me Teach!" Marshall D. Teach laughed uproariously as he entered the room, an audibly halfway-drunk bottle hanging from his hand as he shot a leer at the Admiral. "After all… we are friends, ain't we?"
Aokiji's scowl deepened as his hands snapped into fists, frost swiftly starting to coat his limbs. "We are not friends, Blackbeard."
"Ooooh, but ain't we?" The odious pirate's grin widened malevolently. "Because no matter how you cut it, I do owe you for making all of this possible! That makes you a friend in my book, zehahaha! And as for you!" He snapped his attention back to the guard before Aokiji could respond. "To answer your question…" He snapped his finger up at the door. "I'll have you know that that brat's life is worth more than this entire ship in gold! And his death even moreso… so long as it's carried out properly! ZEHAHAHAHAAAA!"
The guard swallowed heavily as he backed away from the imposing pirate. "I-Is that so?"
"You got that right, bub!"
"GAH!" The Marine stiffened in horror when Blackbeard suddenly slung his far larger arm over the man's shoulders and pulled him close, invading his senses with his rancid breath.
"And believe me, I should know…" Marshall D. Teach grinned maliciously. "After all, I used his life to buy not only my life, but the lives of my crew and my position as a Warlord of the Seas to boot! Ain't that right…"
The Darkness-human slowly turned his smile on the frosted-over admiral in the room.
"Aokiji?"
Kuzan's grimace deepened as he cast his mind back to what the bastard before him was referencing to.
The exact moment when he'd been forced to sell what little of his soul remained to the devil.
The moment he'd saved Blackbeard's life.
~o~
"Hooo…" Admiral Aokiji sighed out a misty breath as he contemplated what remained of the island around him. "Might have overdone it a bit. Sengoku's not gonna let me hear the end of this…"
Currently, the admiral and the well-bundled soldiers alongside him were in the process of combing through the icy wasteland that Banaro Island had become. The reason for the recent climate-reassignment was on account of garbled reports coming in that a pair of powerful pirate crews had been tearing apart the island over the course of a full day. And indeed, upon approaching the island, they'd been treated to the sight of an extremely violent fight ripping the land apart, all while a behemoth of a ship rained hot lead upon the field of combat.
Normally, Aokiji would have spared some measure of restraint or caution in subduing the aggressors, but the fact was that he simply didn't have the time; in the wake of Enies Lobby's destruction, this cataclysm was just one of many, many such crises raging across the world. As such, the best he could do was end matters as swiftly and cleanly as possible.
This logic, combined with the knowledge that the island's civilians had long since evacuated the surrounding waters, lead to a single inescapable conclusion: an Ice Age, massive in scale, to simply freeze each and every pirate where they stood. Now all they had to do was locate their frozen bodies and either arrest them or eliminate them, depending on how troublesome they were. Nice and eas—
"S-Sir!" a Baby Transponder Snail being carried by one of Aokiji's men suddenly squawked up. "I-I found someone!"
"Finally…" the ice-man sighed in relief. "Can you identify them?"
"Ah… n-not quite sir… h-he won't give me his name."
That brought Aokiji up short. "A…run that by me again, soldier?"
"I-I, ah… h-h-he's in sector 5, sir. Y-You're gonna wanna come and see this yourself."
With no small amount of curiosity, the lazy admiral moved in the direction of the sector indicated Someone had managed to evade his Ice Age? Well, if they had a bird Zoan or if they'd been off the ground at the time by some other means, they may have escaped the cold wave.
The man he soon saw, however, was decidedly not a bird. Rather, he was a fat, hairy, and supremely large apelike man with missing teeth and clothes entirely ill-suited for the climate, sitting cross-legged in a large circle of snow, his arms crossed and frost starting to accumulate on his body as he shivered with obvious discomfort.
While the man's presence and unfrozen state was concerning in and of itself, there was another factor of the scene that held Aokiji's attention: The man was sitting in the middle of a circle of snow. Not ice.
Aokiji's men each took a nervous step back as the ambient temperature around their superior nosedived, the layers of frost on his body expanding as he took a step forward. "Who the hell are you?" the Admiral demanded.
The man kept his head bowed, shivering, before finally raising his gaze, the ice on his neck snapping from the movement. "A-A-Admiral A-A-Aokiji…" he bit out painfully, his expression one of grim determination. "G-G-Good… t-t-that's good… T-The Elder Stars… I need you… to call the Elder Stars… Y-Y-You have their number… r-r-right?"
Aokiji tensed at the demand, his mind flying as he tried and failed to reason out the logic behind what he was hearing. "And while the hell should I—?"
"I-I-I have his s-s-son."
"…what?" Aokiji finally asked after a long moment of confused silence.
"I-I-I said…" the man stuttered out through his chattering teeth. "I-I-I have his s-s-son. T-T-Tell them that. T-T-Tell them… and t-t-they'll want to talk to m-m-me."
The Admiral stared silently at the man before shooting a glance at the man in his squad who was carrying the adult Snail. "Get me the Elder Stars, ASAP. Priority one."
The soldier was quick to draw out the snail and punch in the number. The gastropod only rang for once before it adopted a stern expression. "Admiral. What are you—?"
"I-I-I have his son."
The snail stiffened before slowly turning to face the speaker. "What was that?" it quietly but firmly demanded.
The shivering man snorted as he stared at the snail dead in the eyes. "M-M-My name…" he grit out. "I-I-Is Marshall D. Teach. Y-You would know me better as Blackbeard. And I have his son."
Aokiji stiffened at the man's middle initial, but the most powerful men in the world remained stern.
"How do we know you're telling the truth?"
"R-R-Rouge," Teach replied without hesitation.
The snail fell silent before biting out a 'tsk'. "What do you want?"
"Y-Y-You know what I w-w-want."
There was another moment of silence before the snail narrowed its eyes. "We could just take him."
"N-No, y-you couldn't…" Teach slowly shook his head in grim denial. "I-I-It's taking every ounce of c-c-concentration I have to k-k-keep them all i-i-intact. I-I-If I die, o-o-or lose my f-f-focus, then they'll be lost to the d-d-darkness. And if he d-d-dies here, then it means n-n-nothing."
Later on, Aokiji would not be ashamed to admit that he flinched when Teach leaned forward, so as to better glare at the snail. "You don't," he breathed malevolently. "Have a damn choice."
For a few minutes, even the winds themselves seemed to silence themselves as the world held its breath. And then…
The Five Elder Stars sighed in defeat. "As of this moment," one of them bit out grimly. "We the Five Elder Stars hereby deem Marshall D. Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', as Crocodile's replacement for the World Government's sanctioned pirate task force, the Seven Warlords of the Sea, effective immediately."
Aokiji felt a lance of existential terror shoot through him at the exact same instant that a massive grin spread across Teach… no, Blackbeard's face.
"S-Sirs, with all due respect—!" the Admiral started hastily.
"The decision has been made, Admiral." The Elder Stars cut him off. "Your orders are to escort Blackbeard to your ship and take Fire Fist Ace into custody. This is your only priority now, Admiral. Do we make ourselves clear?"
"But, sirs—!"
"Do we make ourselves clear, Admiral Aokiji?"
The ice-man flinched fearfully as he fought to keep himself conscious. "C-Crystal, sirs."
"Good. See to it. We'll contact you again at a later date with further instructions." And with that, the highest powers in the world hung up, leaving Aokiji alone with a monster.
Said monster chuckled darkly as he slowly made his way to his feet, frost and ice crackling off of him as he moved. "Zehahaha! Ahhh, m-man, that was a c-c-close one! I was almost c-c-completely certain that I was act-t-tually gonna die! Ace and his f-f-friends came this close to d-d-doing me and my boys in…" He directed his smirk at Aokiji. "B-B-But then you saved my a-a-ass with that wave of ice. F-F-Froze everyone else while I j-j-just took it in. H-H-Hurts like a b-b-bitch, but hey!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "I'm alive! A-A-And that's what counts. I-I-I owe you my life…"
Blackbeard strode forwards and slammed his hand down on Aokiji's shoulder, leaning his smile in close.
"Friend."
~o~
A full two days later, Aokiji was still cursing himself for letting the bastard live and he still dreaded every instant that he was in the man's presence. But even in spite of his revulsion, he couldn't help but ask a single question.
"Why?"
"Eh?" Blackbeard glanced over at the Admiral with a smirk. "Whazzat?"
"I asked you why, you damn bastard," Aokiji demanded venomously. "I looked up your Devil Fruit, Teach. My ice would have been burning your insides the entire time, including the ice of your crew and Ace and his comrades, and once he thawed your doctor treated you for frostbite on over seventy percent of your body. He had to reattach twelve different digits. I could hear you screaming the entire time, so I know that it hurt like hell. So why? Why go through all that pain? What's your goal?"
Blackbeard remained silent for a while as he stared at the Marine, before slowly grinning in response.
"You're right," he chuckled. "It did hurt. It hurt worse than getting shot by a Colt .96 sniper rifle, but less than getting flayed by prehensile razorwire. Ironically, it hurt about as much as getting burned alive by my old commander's hottest flames! Oooh trust me, I know pain, Admiral. I know pain like the back of my hand, and every time I meet it it never gets any easier. But ya know what!?"
He thumped a fist to his chest. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how much it all hurts, it doesn't matter what the world does to me, what it throws at me, because I can take it! I'll take it all, every bit of it, wherever and whenever it wants to try! No matter how much it makes me scream, I'll take it all, and then I'll laugh afterwards anyways! And you wanna know why?"
Aokiji practically froze up as darkness started roiling off the man, tongues of pure evil flickering from his body.
"It's simple, really…" he chuckled. "I'll take it all… because it's for the sake of my dream. No matter how much it hurts, I'll bear it so long as it means making my dream come true. And as for my dream… well."
The smile the frostburn-covered man bore did the impossible: it sent shivers down Aokiji's spine.
"Let me sum it up for you."
And so, with darkness roaring off of him like a twisted inferno, Marshall D. Teach proudly proclaimed the sentence that would fill Admiral Aokiji with nothing less than existential despair… and would haunt him for the rest of his life.
"I AM THE MAN… WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHAHA! ZEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!"
Patient AN: …the harder they fall.
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- Location
- Wishing I was somewhere much colder, I asssume.
Holy fuck was this long. Worth the wait though, and it seems Merry is fitting in as a crew member nicely.
I also like that little touch at the end where Blackbeard declaring his dream gave someone the exact opposite feeling Luffy declaring his dream does, even though it's the same exact dream.
I also like that little touch at the end where Blackbeard declaring his dream gave someone the exact opposite feeling Luffy declaring his dream does, even though it's the same exact dream.
- Location
- PLANT Earth
No way is the Dream the Same man! Luffy sees the Pirate King as the one man in the world with the most freedom, that alone is the reason his DREAM has feeling in others, but Blackbeard is not the same, his definition of Pirate King has to be the cause of the feelings his DREAM invoked!