All of the following scenes are canon unless otherwise stated.
Strong World Snippet
Three-headed, fun-sized T-rex with red jungle fowl plumage.
It was the closest thing to a moment of peace that they could find in the floating deathtrap. They had come across a hatchling that had been separated from its mother, and Robin was cooing over it.
Something that the remaining members of their group were more than a little incredulous about, considering that it was a two-foot tyrannosaurus rex with red jungle fowl plumage. And three heads. And it was currently chewing on Brook's leg.
"Crrre! Crrre!"
"I think we should keep this cute little horror as a pet," Robin said with a smile. "I would be glad to handle the upkeep."
"Crrre! Crrre!"
"I think we shouldn't press our luck, we should find his momma and give him back. You can get in
SUPER! trouble for kidnapping like this."
"Crrre! Crrre!"
"
I currently have a hairline fracture in my femur," Brook snarled, his hand seizing on his cane. "And I am
seriously considering returning the favor by sharpening my blade on this little beast's
spine."
"
Crrr…"
Brook froze halfway through drawing his blade. Everyone else froze at the same time as another growling sound rang out… only much louder, and
much deeper. And, more importantly, positioned
above them.
The pirates all looked up… and found themselves staring down the slavering gullets of a
much bigger, much
angrier version of the creature they'd been contemplating. Except that on this one, its plumage seemed to have finished growing and took the form of four massive wings. Fortunately for all involved, the baby immediately let go of Brook's leg and hid behind its mother.
There was a brief moment of staring. Then a bit of drool hit the ground and Vivi snapped a bottle of perfume out of her saddlebag to throw it into one of the creature's eyes. Not harmful, but going by the way the thing reared back and screeched, definitely distracting.
"
RUN, YOU IDIOTS!" she commanded.
And the chaos resumed.
-o-
Soundbite Square-Shell
"Ugh…" I groaned, reaching up to rub my forehead. "For the sake of my sanity, I have to at least try; please don't sing the
entire song?"
"NEVER!" the snail dashed my hopes with a single cackling bark. "
I'VE WAITED TOO LONG FOR THIS! Oooooooh—!"
"Hold it!" Nami interrupted with a sharp snap of her fingers right in his face. "I'm going to need a little help for this."
And with that, she wrenched herself out of mine and Zoro's hands, marched over to the pavilion, and used her Tempo to wrench out a large wooden trunk marked "Zoro's Secret Stash; You touch this, I touch you!", whose lid she threw open in spite of Zoro's indignant snarl. After several moments of rummaging and clinking glass bottles, she took out a small bottle out and slammed the lid shut.
Nami held the bottle to her eye and scrutinized its faded label. "I don't know
what this is, but it has three and a half out of five stars on the label so that's either really good or really bad." She cautiously took a sip. "GAH! It tastes like pistachio ice cream, cough drops, and those 'Skittles' things Soundbite had Sanji try to whip up! And not in a good way."
And it was with
that particularly appetizing statement that Nami knocked the bottle back and drained it completely.
"
You raging witch-bitch!" Zoro snarled, veins pulsing in his neck.
Nami's
oh-so-polite response was to flash him her middle finger. Once she finished off the bottle, she tossed it overboard with a heaving sigh. "
Pah! Okay! Now that I'm sufficiently fortified—and can feel sounds—please continue, Soundbite."
Merry tilted her head inquisitively. "I thought your tolerance was best defined as 'ungodly'?"
The infamous Weather Witch donned a catty smile, just
filled with innocence. "Yeah, it was. And then I joined this crew and became one of the most feared pirates on the six seas."
"Most feared rookies."
Nami's grin
twitched. "Rookies that
burned down the World Government's front porch."
"…
POINT. ANYWAY, Ooooooooh~!"
Out the corner of my eye, I noted Luffy, Usopp, Chopper (thank God), and Keimi suddenly perk up. Well, not
that surprising, considering the show's target audience.
"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?"
"Sponge-bob Square-pants!"
And, of course, the fact that the kiddie quartet knew the chant had nothing to do with the twitch my eye had developed. No, it was the fact that
Franky had joined in the chant in his trademark pose.
"ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE!"
"Sponge-bob Square-pants!"
Oh, hey, there was Merry and Conis also joining in. I felt my other eye join its brother in twitching.
"IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH—"
"Sponge-bob Square-pants!"
I felt something inside me snap as Nami projected Eisen cloud in the shape of a fish with a flapping jaw.
"THEN DROP ON THE GROUND AND FLOP LIKE A FISH! OOOOOOHHHHHH—!"
At once, all the dancers fell to the deck and did just that, and I could
feel the shit-eating grin on Soundbite's face as he shifted into the final chorus.
"SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS!"
"SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS!"
"SPONGE-BOB SQUARE-PANTS!"
"SPONGEBOOOOOOB SQUARE-PANTS!"
One last flute riff and the spectacle was over. I gave Soundbite an annoyed, somewhat mad glare. "You've been planning this for a while, haven't you."
"
OH, you have NO IDEA.
Thought I was gonna BURST, SOMETIMES."
"Mmph. Well, even so, did you
have to sing the
entire damn song?"
"If he's been waiting since the St. Briss, you should just count yourself lucky that there isn't a second verse," Robin stated.
-o-
New Coat, Old Coat
"Sanji, I figured it out! It's the same thing as getting a new coat of paint!"
"Huh? What is?"
"Me getting the extra link to my hold with my new coat! I mean after all, I
am still a ship! Though thankfully, I don't need medical-grade alcohol to strip everything off!"
"…okay,
first, I can never unhear that, so
thank you."
"Welcome!"
"And second, that still explains
jack shit about how it works."
"Ah, well, you see—! Um... uh... well, damn."
"So the only takeaway from this is you
mentally traumatizing me!?"
"Hey, at least
something good came of it!"
"LIKE HELL, YOU LITTLE—!"
-o-
Dead End Race Exposition
"Any of you morons ever heard of the Dead End Race?"
A brief silence, in which most of the table exchanged blank looks. After a couple of seconds, Bonney took the initiative for us.
"I…
think I've heard of that," she mused, sharpening a chicken bone into a shiv with her teeth, seemingly out of habit. "How's it go again, a bunch of pirates get together in one place for an anything goes race—!" All of a sudden, the bone snapped in her suddenly tensed jaws. "With… a multi-million beri prize waiting at the end of it."
The light dawned in everyone's eyes as quick as it did in hers, and for the first time since the brawl ended, Kid smirked in blatant superiority as he leaned back in his seat, arms folded behind his head. "Ex-fucking-actly. We want to motivate a bunch of shitbird pirates to get together in one place and do something braindead suicidal without hesitation, we just dangle a little gold in front of their noses. We bluff them all into thinking that there's a massive treasure waiting for whoever gets to Sabaody first and they'll burn foam for the horizon, no sweat."
"
Except that the blockade is public knowledge at this point, Kid," Killer interrupted his captain before anyone could prematurely celebrate. "There's stupid, and then there's
that. We'd get
some suckers, a lot even, but we wouldn't get enough to fall for that kind of bluff."
I nodded slowly, my mind picking up speed as I started to piece things together. "He's right… but then again, we don't
have to bluff, do we?"
Once again, I became the center of attention, and I waved my hand around the table. "Well, I mean, think about it: us here at this table are some of the most infamous pirates in all of Paradise; we're stronger, faster, and just plain
better than a lot of the other mooks out there—"
"SCREW YOU!" someone hollered from the outer edge of the bar.
"YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE!" I yelled back over my shoulder without actually looking. "Anyway, yes,
better than everyone else. Which also means that we're richer. And I'm sure that even after that little scuffle earlier—"
"I THINK MY ARM IS BROKEN!"
"NO ONE CARES!
Even after that little scuffle, I'm confident that people
still aren't satisfied with not getting a clear answer to who's truly the
best amongst the Supernovas. So!" I donned a
nice and shit-eating grin as I clapped my hands together. "How about we make this race a wee bit
interesting? We put an entry fee on the race: anyone wants to be a part of it, they need to cough up some cash that gets put into a pool. Whoever wins the race gets the pot, and the more people who participate, the bigger the payout. And—!"
"YO, WAITER, CAN I GET SOME SERVICE OVER HERE!?"
"THE NEXT PERSON TO SPEAK UP GETS TO SAY HELLO TO MY NOT-SO-LITTLE DOG!" I snapped, Lassoo helpfully cocking himself as I said so.
Dead silence.
"THANK—ahem, thank you," I said, readjusting my collar. "Anyway. I was thinking that we could start things off by opening the tap
ourselves first. We put in a hell of a lot of money to spark interest, keep each other honest, and then… well, whoever reaches Sabaody first becomes filthy rich. So, ah…" My charisma faltered as I got to the end of my spiel, cold sweat springing to life on my brow. "Thoughts?"
I
wish I could say that I
didn't glance over my shoulder to look at Nami as soon as I finished saying that, and I wish even more that I could say that I didn't do so
fearfully. Buuuut I did, and so did several others. She was frowning, deep in thought, her eyes flicking to Bege now and then, as well as to Luffy. After a solid minute, she looked up with a wicked grin.
"I'm willing to put down a clean one billion beris, in
solid gold, that the Straw Hat Pirates will win this race."
And I am willing to bet the same amount that the platform beneath us shook from the sheer force of how many jaws crashed to the ground. There was confidence, and then there was
Nami putting a billion beris up for grabs. For goodness' sake, even
Robin had dislocated her jaw.
Still, eventually
someone had to be the first to pick their jaw up off the floor. "…You know what? Why the hell not?" Bege chuckled ruefully. "If we're getting ourselves into something this crazy, then let's go crazy. I'll match that wager: one billion beris in gold from the Firetank Pirates."
"You fuckers ain't toppin' me!" Kid snapped, slamming his fist down on the table with a wolfish grin. "And I ain't going down to either of you neither! I'll put down
double—!"
"AHEM!" Killer didn't so much
cough into his gauntlet as he snarled into it, pinning his captain with a downright acrid glare through his helmet.
That brought the infamous Captain up short, and he ground his teeth for a second before leaning back against his seat and crossing his arms with a huff. "Fine, 500 million,
whatever. Not like it fucking matters since we're going to be
loaded once we kick your asses."
"You mean how much more loaded
I'm going to be," Law sneered. "Especially with how much I can put down."
And so it went around the table, everyone chipping in funds with more and more enthusiasm, some trying to one-up one another, others content with putting their hats in the ring. No one else had the funds to splash around quite like we or the Firetanks did, so the final sum wasn't
truly as massive as it could be, but it was still nothing to sneeze at either.
"Alright! A starting pot of 5 billion,
very nice." I nodded proudly as the last bets were pledged, then turned to address the room as a whole. "As for the rest of you, we don't expect you to have any chance of matching us… but so long as you can toss in a hefty chunk of change, you're welcome to join in and try your luck at taking the whole hoagie home with you!" I threw my arms out wide. "IT'S WINNER TAKE ALL!"
That started a shouting match of some promising wagers.
I nodded in satisfaction as Nami started tallying things up with a truly vicious grin. "By this time tomorrow, we'll have a prize so massive that the scum of the seas will be swarming this place from leagues around. They won't care two shits about putting their lives on the line, so long as there's even half a chance that they can win the hoard. Even if they need to throw themselves into the jaws of Impel Down
itself."
"Except for one problem."
Law's deadpan was quiet enough that none of the outer pirates heard him, but it was still a blow to my enthusiasm.
"The prize money will draw people in, sure, it's already done it for all of us here." He spun his finger around with a flat expression. "But if it's supposed to be the incentive for charging the blockade, then how do you expect to get it to Sabaody before us? And perhaps more importantly, how do you expect to get it there in hands that we can trust to
not cut and run with more money than most people even
think about?"
"Actually, there's one more problem," Bege cut in, a sour expression on his face. "It took me a minute, but I remember the Dead End Race now, and if I'm remembering right, the only reason it can ever get off to a viable start is because of the starting line's geography. How do we expect to get a strong enough wind and current to
get that head start?"
I stared at the mobster blankly for a few seconds before I raised a finger to point at Bege.
"I!" I proclaimed as proudly as I could. "Have no idea!"
That got an honestly confused blink out of the guy. "You… have no idea," he repeated incredulously.
"Absolutely none whatsoever!" I nodded with enthusiasm, even going so far as to shoot him an eager thumbs up. "Zero, zilch, nada! Dry as a bone! Nothing to offer, so~rry~!"
"...and you're telling us this with such confidence
why, exactly?"
"Why, to give me time to
think of an idea, of course, which I've just done!" I smirked, taking
great pleasure in the way the mobster shoved his hat up via hand clap to the face. "Now, Soundbite if you wouldn't mind calling up our most gracious hosts…?"
My snail went literally cross-eye-stalked for a second, and while the rest of the Supernovas recoiled, flinched or otherwise reacted as three mini-pillars of blue-eyed golden fog coalesced in the dead center of the table, I merely tipped my hat to them.
"Greetings, friends. Sorry to trouble you, but I was wondering if you could help us with some troubles of our own," I politely said. "This is all hypothetical, of course, but when we get this plan started, could we trouble you for a few gales to get us going on our way?"
There was a moment's pause while the triad of pillars exchanged looks. Everyone's mood promptly dropped when they shook their… well, everything.
"
No dice, the Obelisks' influence ends at the border of the Triangle," Soundbite groused. "
THEY CAN CONTROL THINGS IN THE MIST BECAUSE THAT'S THEIR DOMAIN, SO THEY CAN SEND US OUT WITH SOME MOMENTUM, but beyond it they're limited to somewhere between nil and nada. SORRY."
"Mmph… well, that's a start, at least. Thanks," I nodded, to which they gave a content breezing acknowledgement before fading. It took a moment for me to think of another idea. Only a moment, naturally.
"But still, if it's
wind we need…"
"Great…" Vivi groaned, clearly following my train of thought. "It's going to hurt like hell, Nami will need to help, I'll be dead tired afterwards and I'll need the absolute best stimulants everyone here can put me on…" Then she looked up with all the intensity of an oncoming hurricane in her eyes. "But I think I can whip something up."
"And meanwhile, if we're talking about
currents? We-he-hell, I think something can be arranged!"
Attention shifted up a few islands, and we all beheld… a Kung Fu Dugong wearing a tricorn hat? What the—?
"Who and what the hell are you and why the hell should we care?" Kid voiced—or at least parodied—everyone's collective thoughts.
"Name and rank's Captain Dugong of the Great Kung Fu Fleet!" the amphibian announced, before leaping down from the island and sticking a touchdown right next to the TDWS. Straightening, he favored the table with a smug grin. "Second only to Boss Dugong in our species' power ladder."
The mood shifted from suppressed hostility to mild interest, but Captain ignored them and pounded his chest proudly. "Anywho, as I was saying, my crew and I have gotten pretty experienced with the Grand Line's seafloor since we set out, and we've picked up a few tricks here or there along the way. You all need a current to help ram you into that blockade like a barracuda into a school of salmon?" He smirked with nothing short of absolute confidence and pounded one flipper into the other. "Then hell, we'll give it to you no sweat! We'll need a bit of time to coordinate and figure things out, get the lay off the waters, sure… but me and every one a' my boys will put our shells on the line that we can do it. And that right there?"
I
swear I saw a flash of waves crashing on a beach with a setting sun as Captain's teeth
sparkled.
"That's a Man's
Promise!" he proclaimed, punctuating the statement with a high-five with Boss, bringing out a resounding chorus of "
O Captain, My Captain!" from the rest of the Dugongs scattered around Helheim, our own TDWS most prominent of all.
Silence fell for a few moments as everyone took all of that in.
"Alright, objection withdrawn, you've got that sorted out," Bege conceded gruffly, making a point of yanking his fedora down over his eyes again.
"Aaaand I've got an answer for the funds as well. Soundbite, Gastro-Amp."
"
Roger roger."
I cleared my throat, inhaled…
"HACHI! TAKOYAKI BANQUET, ON THE DOUBLE! LOLA'S PAYING!"
Aaaand promptly blew out everyone's eardrums with my proclamation.
"Lola's
what?!" Lola squawked. A flat look sent her way reduced her to sighing in dismay. "Oh, for the love of—this had
better be some damn fine octopus…"
"Nyuu? I'm a 'damn fine octopus?'"
"That was impossibly fast," I deadpanned, turning to face the now-present trio of fishmen plus mermaid, as well as the massive quantity of fresh takoyaki they had brought with them that Luffy and Bonney—and that hat-wearing guy on Kid's crew, Shuraiya, were already digging into. I then flashed him a thumbs-up. "Which is exactly the kind of service that you need in the Grand Line, well done."
"Oh, I was actually waiting outside with my cart for you guys to finish fighting. People are always hungry after a brawl!"
I blinked in confusion. "But, wait, how'd you know there'd be—?"
"You have set
how many islands on fire thus far?"
"—Gnrgrgh…" I glared at a supremely smug Vivi out of the corner of my eye. "Alright, alright, point taken."
"We have something else for you to deal with beyond just the banquet, Hatchan," Nami cut in, her aura graying as she faced the now-nervous fishmen. "First of all… is your restaurant capable of submerged travel?"
"N-Nyu? W-Well, yes and no," Hachi hedged. "We can't coat the ship or anything, but we can lock everything that can't get wet into airtight boxes and then submerge it. Only good for fish or merfolk, but it's something. Why do you ask?"
Nami took a moment to process that, visibly debating
something, probably to ask what he meant by 'coating.' But at a nod from me, she proceeded. "Because we're going to need you to smuggle a multi-billion beri stockpile past the blockade to Sabaody Archipelago and keep it safe until you hand it over to the first pirate who reaches the place."
The expressions of Takoyaki 8's staff ran through a
gamut of expressions, from wildly overblown shock (Keimi), complete incredulity
(those two), and… placid acceptance?!
"OK, sure. No problem," Hachi nodded with a grin, turning away to serve Luffy his fifth serving of takoyaki with one hand, while piling up a third
and fourth for Bonney.
"He's taking this
way better than I expected," I mused in surprise.
"Three. Two. One…" Vivi
and Nami counted down in synch…
"WAIT,
WHAT?!" the octo-fishman squawked, flailing his arms twice over—initially in shock, the second time in a frantic attempt to catch the balls of fried meat before they could splatter on the ground and earn him a flaming concussion.
"Now
that's more in line with what I expected," I deadpanned.
"Why—how—who—but but
but—!?"
"Thanks so much for
agreeing to do this, we'll let you know when we have the stockpile ready and you can set off," Nami said in a voice that would
normally be overly sweet, but against the actually repentant ex-Arlong Pirate, was more like pure acid, and got a flinch out of Hachi. The other two scowled irritably for a second; scowl-
ed on account of them instead flinching when an…
admirably composed Keimi grabbed both their ears and dragged them in close.
And while she kept them in check, Hachi ran a hand through his hair and blew a sigh out his lips. "Alright, alright, fine. I'll hold your dirty money…" he reluctantly answered, before perking up as if suddenly getting an idea. "But, ah, only if I get five percent."
Nami's expression twisted nastily, her halo shifting to reflect her stormy mood, but before she could fry his six-armed ass?
"Funny. Last I checked, banks paid the customers for the privilege of holding their money."
Everyone (with a brain), with flat looks on their faces, turned to face Bege, the speaker.
"…what?" he demanded, throwing his hands up. "That's as far as their representatives usually get when I go in pretending to be an honest customer. I cut 'em off around then by putting my gun in their face."
That got 'ah's of understanding from everyone.
"Yeah… big difference, there?" The fishman crossed every set of his arms. "Unlike…
most banks,
I'm taking the dirty money of pirates.
And I'm smuggling it across a
Marine blockade too!" He pointed his fingers at his head, lips pursed, and boy did that look a lot more serious on that mouth. "Seriously, do you
know what the Marines could, can, or will do to me if they catch me!? I'm already hauling two parolees with me, I still have an escapee's rapsheet on me that's only frozen because I'm tentative friends with a Warlord, and on top of that all, I'm a
fishman! If you think I'm putting my livelihood and limbs on the line like that for
free, you're out of your minds! So either cut me into the pot, or find your own damn way to haul your cash!"
Nobody said anything, visibly surprised by the outburst, up until Nami rapped her knuckles on the table, her expression… well, mostly stable, thankfully.
"
Half a percent," she asserted mercilessly.
Hachi flinched and started to say something… but then his expression turned thoughtful. "How… much
am I going to be transporting?"
"Current pot stands at five billion, more to come over the next week or so," Bonney stated offhandedly, more focused on her balls of octopus than the talking one in front of her.
"Seventy-five percent of a percent and I'm in!" he agreed without hesitation.
"…Done," Nami conceded.
"For the record?" Shuraiya spoke up in a perfectly bored tone. "Why, exactly, should we trust these guys?"
Sanji coughed in his fist to get attention. "Partly because Hachi is almost as bad as Luffy when it comes to lying—"
"HEY!"
"—but more importantly because he's an
ex-pirate now. And building off of that, while most of us here are still chasing our dreams—" The cook gestured at the cart. "Hachi already
has his. Cutting and running would only sabotage his business; he'd be taboo among all outlaws and the law
abiders wouldn't give him any protection; the only reason he hasn't been arrested again is, like he said, Jinbe's endorsement."
"Also, any one of us could kick his ass in ten seconds flat," Nami stated in a dead tone. "Nine to rip him a new one for doing something so stupid as taking the money and alienating himself from everyone here, one to blow his brains out."
"Guh…" Hachi rubbed his throat nervously.
"…Practical reasoning…" Shuraiya nodded his head in assent.
"It's what I will do."
Hachi shot the navigator a frantic look… but after seeing the look in her eyes, quickly reconsidered his thought. "A-anyway, if you don't mind and don't need me for anything else, I'm just going to get back to handing out takoyaki.
Does anyone else need anything?"
-o-
Finances for Kids
"Let me show you some simple math," Nami began.
"Aren't most of us at this table
because we suck at doin' simple math?" Bartolomeo snarked.
Everyone's eyes passed between Bartolomeo, Luffy, and… well, the other person who seemed least likely to have gotten a proper education.
"Will you fuckers quit looking at me?!
I'm the one who manages my ship's finances!" Kid snapped.
"He's actually not lying, he's quite good at it," Killer commented.
"Statistically, I suppose there had to be one thing," Bonney snorted.
"You sons of bitches just aren't gonna stop harping on me, are you!?"
"Make yourself less detestable and less of an easy target and we'll consider it," Cross drawled.
-o-
Izo's Very Bad Day
A figure in an elegant kimono and Kabuki mask knelt on an isolated island in the middle of Helheim, set with a low table and a dozen zabutons. The figure's sleeves were together in a traditional manner, and stacks of cleaned plates rested on the table, not yet collected by the server who got the misfortune of approaching him next. Plenty of people observed from a safe distance, many of whom were stifling laughter, and none of The servers had a desire to be the next one to try keeping their composure, fail, and get flung into the abyss. After all, it was a long climb back up.
One particular person read the atmosphere and approached the innkeeper, who barely reacted to his presence.
"…so, the three biggest questions here: How did you provoke the Straw Hats, how did they retaliate, and most importantly… how did they retaliate
without you seeing it coming?"
As the masked man looked at the intruder, Trafalgar Law betrayed no emotion other than boredom and annoyance. "I would rather get the truth from your mouth than spend another three days listening to the ridiculous stories that the rest of the island comes up with. Or considering that the Straw Hats are actually capable of hurting an Emperor's subordinate."
The kimono-clad commander stared for another several moments.
"Take the mask off," Izo said at last.
Raising his brow, Law stepped closer, one hand never leaving his sword, and lifted the mask. And as jaded as he was, he still almost dropped it in shock.
"When you're done staring, put it back," Izo growled, his tone not remotely matching the outrageous expression his face was frozen in.
Law slowly placed the mask back in its place, a theory forming.
"Botulinum toxins?"
"Laced in my makeup," Izo confirmed sourly. "The Weather Witch gave me a rude awakening with a rain cloud over my bed. If that had been the extent of their retaliation, I might've even laughed about it. But no, once I reapplied the cosmetics, I continued my morning routine with a nice cup of sake. That was when
this happened."
"From the sake?" Law asked, and then sighed with a groan. "Oh, don't tell me—"
"Vodka," he spat. "South Blue COMЯADE-grade Spirits, to be exact; not even Pops would drink that stuff straight. The toxins finished sinking in right as I finished coughing my lungs out."
"Mmm…" Law said, toying with the idea of helping. "But how does that lead to you eating your troubles away here?"
"Because when they stole my sake, they helpfully left a note informing me that this was where it was. Fortunately for them, they were telling the truth and my stock is otherwise undisturbed."
"Hmm, that's half the question—"
"
Un-fortunately, I then became aware that they had also sabotaged my wardrobe.
Paste in my kimono's sleeves, I got halfway from Oden's Cottage to here before I realized that they wouldn't come apart."
"Is it really that much trouble to tear one kimono?"
"This is
Seventh Dynasty Silk. I wouldn't tear this if it meant my captain would be killed for it. That's an exaggeration, of course… but not by much. The whole day has left a bad taste in my mouth that I need to get rid of."
"Hmm," Law nodded. He visibly debated on something before reaching into his pocket, simultaneously deploying his Room. "I believe I can help, actually, if you'll let me remove that mask again."
"By all means, if you can fix this," Izo huffed as Law once again exposed his contorted face.
And promptly replaced it after pressing a button on the shell in his hand.
"And straight to Whitebeard with this," Law nodded, walking away.
"WHAT THE HELL?"
"Well, I never said that I would be helping
you. Honestly, you should listen better." Law said with a smirk. And the instant the last syllable left his lips, his fingers twitched, and a waiter carrying more plates of food was standing in his place, looking bewildered.
Izo's head slammed down on the table as he let out groan of exasperation that echoed through the entire bar.
…
At a higher corner of the bar, meanwhile, Law handed off the Vision Dial to the watching and smirking figure of Jeremiah Cross.
"One answer that he didn't give me: what did he do to invite so much revenge?"
"Oh, you know, just coercing us into a meeting with Kaido and Big Mom's representatives and then volunteering
me to introduce everyone. And this?" Cross chuckled maliciously as he looked at the resulting picture with an ear-to-ear grin. "I
think this almost makes me and him even."
Law gave the hell-raiser an incredulous look. "'Almost'?"
In response, Cross raised his hand without looking up, snapped his fingers…
SPLASH! "AAAAAAAGH!"
And Law spun around and watched in surprise as an outright
rainbow of paints cascaded down on the New Worlder's table, causing an outraged shriek to echo throughout the chamber.
"Now," Cross nodded in satisfaction, smirking as he turned and walked away from the bar, the Vision Dial tossing up and down in his palm. "
Now, we're about even."
Law shot a disbelieving look at Cross's retreating back. "I
really need to avoid pissing him off in the future…" he mused to himself.
Then he paused, thought a bit… and shrugged.
"Naaaaaah…"
-o-
Clearing the Air
I nodded to myself as I watched the
ex-slaves head towards Grove 77, very pleased at the way things were beginning.
"Shouldn't the criminal mastermind behind something like this be coordinating it from
behind the scenes?"
Then my mood plummeted at the sound of that familiar voice. With a look of utter exasperation, I turned to see a painfully familiar otter and vulture standing on the ground a few feet away.
"Seriously?
Again?" I groaned, raising my hand to signal Soundbite. If they thought I'd be dealing with them alone
this time—
"I think we can arrest your worries with one word: Parley."
I stopped, my eye twitching as I processed what Miss Friday had said. Then I processed the fact that the pair of them were a lot calmer than the last few times I saw them…and weren't carrying weapons?
"…you know what? Fine, I'll bite. What do you want?"
Mr. 13 folded his arms, still looking me in the eyes. "You're a lot more than we thought you were."
"…sorry?"
"When we told you on Water 7 that we hated you, we meant it," Mr. 13 said. "The rest of your crew brought down the Officer Agents and Crocodile. But you were a nobody. A barely adult punk who was only good at running and running your mouth, with a glorified noisemaker of a snail helping you out. You beat us with luck and dirty tricks, then you rubbed that in our face while we couldn't fight back. And in Mock Town and Water 7, you didn't beat us. You just kept hiding behind bigger monsters."
"Put plainly?" Friday continued. "We hated you for the same reason that people around here hate the World Nobles: you were a weakling who only got away with attacking anyone more skilled than you because you had attack dogs in high places."
My blood simmered at being compared to
them, but I kept enough of a cool head to be more surprised at the past tense they were using.
"Then you started making us doubt when your crew brought down Enies Lobby. And the Hiruno Famiglia. And a second Warlord. You had the highest starting bounty in history for a reason, and you were proving it. But the breaking point was when you fought Shiki."
A half-smirk came over the otter's face. "That look you had as you held your own, with your own hands, against some of the strongest scum in the Grand Line, despite them doing everything that they could to shut you up.
That is the kind of ability that we can accept losing to…which is why we're not here to attack you today."
"We are meant to be professionals. We acknowledge that we allowed our emotions to get the better of us. It won't happen again," they said together.
It wasn't an apology. But it was as close to one as I could expect, which was surprising enough as it was. I glanced at my shoulder, and Soundbite nodded, looking surprised.
"
They're sincere," he confirmed in bewilderment.
I looked back at the Unluckies, who were watching me as if they were waiting for something. It didn't take me long to realize what, and I suppressed a sigh.
"Alright, and I acknowledge that the poetry…
might have been past the pale. I've learned my lesson from that."
They both nodded. Then…Mr. 13 climbed onto Miss Friday's back, and she spread her wings.
"Wait, that's it?"
"That's it. We've let go of our grudge but we're still assassins. This is just us clearing the air; if we meet again, it'll be nothing personal. Just business," Mr. 13 answered.
"Although…it
would be a lie to say we don't want to fight you again," Miss Friday chuckled.
And with that, they took to the skies, disappearing into the canopies.
Soundbite and I stared up and after them.
"
Think this is the last we've seen of them?"
I hummed uncertainly. "In this context? Probably. In general… well, knowing our luck, and theirs…" I then nodded to the side with a sigh. "Anyways, much as it kills me to admit, the rat had a point. Anywhere nearby that'd be good for us to camp out until the endgame?"
"
Weeeell, there's a dive bar NEXT DOOR TO THAT ICE CREAM PARLOR from earlier. Seem to be FANS."
"Dive bar?…eh, I guess it'll do."
-o-
Alternative Take on the Auction House (non-canon)
"
Uh, yeah, that's gonna be tricky, Cross," I heard Usopp say.
Blinking, I took a good, long look at the mosh pit in the auditorium. Which was
still going. How in the—mopping up, sure, but for the fight to
still be going on like this against practically the entire, expanded crew? Granted, the nobles were fighting, too, but it shouldn't have made that much of a difference against all the power houses we had. This merited an extended examination.
Okay, so the crew had basically encircled the audience, and was slowly but steadily pressing in. Luffy had carved out a major dent in the circle; so had Sanji, Vivi, Nami, Boss, and the Leo and Donny duo. From the looks of things, it
was straight numbers, plus close quarters and the circle formation that was keeping this fight going. Too packed to use the big melee moves, and the circle risked friendly fire for the big area attacks.
"Group up!" I shouted, descending down to floor level to join in. "These guys aren't that tough, we're just getting in each other's way! Group up around anyone with area attacks, and press in!"
A chorus of affirmatives sounded out, and bodies flew while everyone repositioned. For my part, I joined in with Vivi's push, firing a few explosives into the crowd to get some breathing room.
"Right, how tough are these guys?" I asked, idly sending a Pachy-Charge into the crowd. "Because numbers or not, there's no way the guys I saw in the story would be putting up this kind of fight."
"Most of them go down pretty easy, yeah," Vivi replied, a spear going through her. The wielder got a bone-crushing swirling ball of air to the chest for his trouble. "But there are some that are a fair bit stronger and tougher. Still go down easy, though."
I thought it over for a moment, firing another explosive baseball, before shrugging. Auction House must've invested in better security at some point, or one of the nobles had invested in a better bodyguard entourage. The vagaries of the butterfly effect. It wasn't going to change anything.
Then I felt Soundbite stiffen on my shoulder, spitting the click of a gun cocking in my ear. I whirled around, seeing one of the nobles—clothes torn and blood dripping from small cuts all over him—aiming a gun at a cowering Keimi. Well. I say a gun, but clearly this guy was compensating for something, because the term "hand cannon" felt more appropriate.
"Straw Hat Pirates!" he bellowed out, getting everyone's attention. The combat fell into a lull, all eyes on the guy on the stage. "Now, I know what you're thinking: can he even shoot her through that glass tank? Well, considering this is a Rex pistol, the most powerful handgun on the market, firing explosive armor-piercing rounds, you gotta—"
Whatever the rest of his spiel was, it was interrupted by a tornado of blades bursting out from under the stage, carrying him into the ceiling in a spray of blood. The tornado landed on the stage a second later, revealing it to be Zoro.
"Finally found the place," he grunted. "Oy! Love Cook! Tell those flying fish guys that their directions were total garbage!"
"Tell them yourself, Mosshead!"
"Tch, why do I even bother," Zoro grunted, sheathing all but one of his swords to oh
hell no.
"Oi, idiot!" I bellowed. "Bomb collar! You cut the tank, you might set it off!"
Zoro gave me a skeptical look, and for one heart-stopping moment, I thought he'd do it anyway. Then, with a tired sigh, he sheathed his sword and began jogging towards us.
I sighed in relief. Well, at least that was
one less thing going wrong to—
CLICK.
…come on, I didn't even
say it that time.
Turning around, I gave Shalria and the gun she was pointing at me a curious look. "Honest question, but can you even hit me at this distance? Because from what I've seen, apart from one or two flukes, you inbred bastards can't shoot for
shit."
The sneer Shalria wore could go either way. "Please. If I had been my fool of a brother, you might have a point," she said. "I, however, actually put in some
work. The better to shoot the more nimble slaves. Now, any last words?"
Her sneer was matched with my usual smirk, and I was gratified to see her lips twist in annoyance. "Yeah," I said. "Should've checked your six."
Shalria had time to blink before Nami's Clima-Tact smacked her upside the head, shattering her bubble and sending her smashing head-first onto the floor. Ah… after that shitshow of an interview,
damn did it feel good to see one of these slimy sons of sea slugs get some comeuppance.
And the reaction of everyone
else was almost as gratifying. From Roswald's and Charloss's poleaxed shouts of "Sharlia!" and "Sister!" to the gaping, open-mouthed silence from the rest of our opponents, it was almost everything I could have hoped for.
"You
idiot!"
Almost.
"Oh, now what?!" I snapped at Kuroobi, who along with Chew had punched through a knot of guards to get to us. "Even
you can't make this into a problem!"
"Watch me!" the fishman snarled. "You think you've been fighting the world? This is going to make everything the World Government's done to try and catch you look like a children's game of
tag. They will stop at nothing to get you, starting with the Admiral that World Noble is calling right now!"
"CALL AN ADMIRAL AND HIS BATTLESHIPS!" Roswald howled, waving his gun around. "WE'LL SHOW THESE WORMS THEIR PLACE!"
"You do have the interdiction field up, right?" I whispered to Soundbite.
"
Doy. Unless they're using A GOLD, AIN'T NOTHING GETTING THROUGH.
Now let him finish; THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD."
"And for what?!" Kuroobi barrelled on. "For some fleeting
catharsis? This isn't even valuable! This isn't freeing anybody! Now we're all going to die, and for what?!"
"Excuse me," Nami cut, face stony. "But can I present a counterargument?"
Kuroobi's mouth worked with no sound for several seconds before he threw up his hands. "Yeah, sure."
Turning around, Nami flicked out a tendril of Eisen Cloud and gave Sharlia a nasty shock for good measure. I swear, I saw her skeleton for the briefest of moments. "Fuck the World Nobles."
Kuroobi gaped, blinking. "…Checks out," he finally said after a solid half-minute.
"We used to push
her around?" Soundbite relayed from Chew, muttering under his breath.
-o-
Separation Exposition
Clink!
"Drink this."
Likely not all that aware of what he was doing, Cross obeyed the order/suggestion, downing the liquid that Shakky presented to him. It had taken several minutes of sobbing to reach even this remotely functional state, despite Merry, Robin, and Koala trying to comfort him.
It didn't take long after drinking the contents of the glass for his shaking to still, his breathing evening out. Slowly, quizzically, he looked up at Shakky.
"Wh-What was that s-stuff?" he asked, the tremor in his voice present but rapidly fading away. Alarmingly rapidly, in all honesty.
"A relic from the market you destroyed earlier today, hysteria tonic," Shakky muttered darkly as she placed the bottle she'd used back into the safe it'd come from. When she slammed its door shut it was with a good deal more force than necessary. "Won't last more than a few hours, but you might have dry eye trouble for a couple of days and a hard time screaming for a week or two."
"…the implications are revolting," Vivi shuddered in disgust, a sentiment shared by expressions across the room.
"Trust me, they're as fun as they sound, but at least they
work, for better or worse…" Koala morosely agreed.
"Yeah… but I definitely n-needed that," Cross admitted. One bandaged hand still clung to the blanket wrapped around him and the other traced along the brim of the priceless hat he wore. Taking a deep breath, he turned to face the rest of the crew, who had sat down around him in a loose semicircle. And at a nod from Luffy…
"Ahem… Cross?" Conis prompted. "I'm… sorry to have to ask you this, but you… you weren't—you didn't make much
sense earlier. What is going on?
What is going to happen?"
"...attacked by Kuma. Well..." Cross shrugged. "'Dealt with' is more accurate. Scattered across the globe, courtesy of Kuma Airlines."
"And there's nothing we can do about it?" Conis pressed, even as several crew members exchanged confused looks at the odd turn of phrase, Franky curiously mouthing "Airline…"
Cross just shook his head. "Nothing. To repeat what he said, we can only put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye."
"Like hell! We can take whoever comes at us!" Raphey barked indignantly, taking a few challenging jabs with her flippers.
SMACK!
"OW!"
Until her smarter brothers smacked her upside the head.
Despite the inanity of the question, it was still an important one. "Already tried, already failed. Unless anyone here thinks we're strong enough to fight 'The Tyrant' Bartholomew Kuma when he arrives here, because I wasn't delirious when I said that bit." Koala gasped, and it was a true testament to just how out of it Cross was that he didn't even twitch.
"He's still coming. Was
always going to come. His ability, the Paw-Paw Fruit…" Cross paused, hands grasping for… something. "It can push objects, concepts - and it can push on a
global scale. Send us to islands around the world. Islands where we can
train. Train for two years, and get stronger… strong enough to go into the New World without dying."
There was a brief pause, until another crewmate let out an impossible cough from his impossible jaws. "Er, Cross…" Brook inquired as he nervously wrung his phalanges. "Simply a hypothetical here, but… how bad
would it be, were we to somehow miss this flight of ours? If we could, that is?"
"We can't, because he can't be stopped… but bad," Cross declared immediately. "It'd just be a cavalcade of disasters, one after another. If we don't get crushed by the Kraken, we get eaten by Arlong's successors. Survive that, if we don't get sunk by the impossible madness of the New World, we get petrified and suffocated by a Logia with no weaknesses. And past all of that hell, if by some miracle even
one of us survives all that… the end of my knowledge is when we meet Doflamingo again."
The crew bristled in rage at the memory of the last few hours - and just as quickly all deflated when they remembered just how
easily Doflamingo had danced circles around them.
"And while I haven't seen anything past that…" Cross chuckled mirthlessly. "You know this crew, do you really think we could go through all that without pissing off at least
one Emperor in the process? Either we take two years, and train so that we can survive then… or we go today, and die tomorrow."
He reached up and tipped the brim of Luffy's hat down a tad, refusing to look up. "I… didn't want to hide this. But I...if I
told you… what
proof would I have, when we've won everything so far? When you've done so great, we've done so great,
I—!...if we could win against the world before, why believe me when I said that
this time was the impossible one…" Even through the chemical haze, a shudder racked him. "I'm sorry that I didn't trust you—"
-o-
Upon Luffy's Arrival on the Battlefield (non-canon)
"
Hellooooo assorted ex-convicted dipshits, bastards and overall scumbags of Impel Down! As you're all well
aware by now, my name is Jeremiah Cross, and I am the Third Mate of the overly gracious goofball who just saved your hides, Monkey D. Luffy. Allow me to cut to the quick: The reason I'm contacting you all at this moment is that I wanted to inform you of a less
well-known fact about me. Put simply, I have friends. This is important for you to know because, well, these friends of mine? They're powerful. They're strong, they're smart, they're positioned high and low alike, there are a lot
of them, and they really
don't mind lending me a helping hand when I ask for one. I want you all to know that I have these friends because as of this moment? Your lives are no longer your own. As of this moment, your lives are inextricably intertwined with two others upon this battlefield. If those two live, then you all go free. But… if even one
of them dies… then your final moments will consist of you begging for Magellan's tender mercies. This extends to each and every last one of you degenerates, including you, Crocodile.
If you even twitch towards the Moby, I will personally see to it that you are shredded so far across the planet that it will take you a decade to even reassemble a pinkie.
To summarize for you all… Either protect Monkey D. Luffy and Portgas D. Ace with your lives… or forfeit them.
And hey… if it makes you any better, I am
being kinder about this than Magellan ever would be. Because in this case… it's your choice."
-o-
Taunting Akainu (non-canon; credit to serpentguy for the taunts)
"Oh, and by the way, only gay men and big fat party animals wear Hawaiian shirts, sparkles," Luffy added with his signature grin.
"…"
One might be forgiven for thinking that Aokiji used his powers over all of Marineford at that moment, considering that all motion and sound flat-out ceased. Akainu was stunned, and just about everyone else had their jaw dropped. Including Sengoku and Whitebeard. After the longest ten seconds of most of their lives, the silence was broken by a single, quiet, deliberately calm voice.
"Luffy?"
"Yeah, Ace?"
"If we get out of here alive, I'm going to kill you. But before that, I'm going to hunt down your third mate, beat him within an inch of his life, burn him alive, and then cast his ashes into the deepest, darkest hole I can find, for encouraging you to open your big mouth and say something as suicidally stupid as
that."
"Oh, really?" the Voice of Anarchy purred, causing everyone remotely close to Akainu to speed away.
"Well, I may as well go all in, then! Oh, Maurice, you wear a pink floral shirt and a bright red suit. You dress like you spent your time trawling karaoke bars, drinking piña coladas and asking big men to call you 'Shirley.' Although, honestly, that might explain why you keep that metal rod rammed so far up your ass!"
"JEREMIAH—!" Sengoku bellowed.
"—CROSS—!" Whitebeard boomed.
"—YOU—!" Ivankov screamed.
"—SON—!" Smoker roared.
"—OF—!" Hancock screeched.
"—A—!" Ace raged.
"—BITCH!" the entire battlefield howled.
And then a volcano erupted.
-o-
Cover Stories
"Cross, I know Luffy's stance on asking for spoilers, but considering the kind of shock we just had, are there any other cases like Hachi's that mean we may be running into some of our old enemies again?" Nami asked.
It was probably due to her tone that Luffy nodded immediately, and I closed my eyes.
"Mmm… I don't think we'll be meeting any more anytime soon, but there are a few. Wapol is probably the most obvious; he fell into poverty after Luffy beat him, but that led to him finding that his Munch-Munch Fruit could be used for making toys, and they became popular enough that he accumulated a bigger fortune and empire than he ever had as a king."
"
He doesn't deserve that…" Chopper growled murderously.
"Mmph, tell me about it. I'd drop the Marines on his head if I could, but we'll need the metal he's making in the future, though after that… besides that, Eneru went to the moon, as you guys know. There's some sort of robotic city up there, and his powers brought it to life. Something about defending them from space pirates and having a new empire, but the Maxim was destroyed when he got there." I shrugged. "Though seeing as people already came down from there before, and knowing Oda, that doesn't mean anything. Odds are if he doesn't turn his attention towards the stars instead of earth, we'll see him again."
"Are
all of these about our enemies getting better lives after we beat them?" Usopp asked in disgust.
I shrugged helplessly. "I didn't write the story. Anyway, the only other one I can think of is Gedatsu; he fell out of the sky after we beat him. No idea how he survived, but the way I saw things, he wound up co-owning a hot springs resort with Kohza's uncle."
"…That's… strange," Vivi said uncertainly.
"Yeah, tell me about it. But in all fairness, that guy wasn't so much evil as he was an idiot following someone evil, so no real harm done there. Worst case scenario, the hot springs never happened, but he could be doing us a favor by bashing Marine heads. Who knows."
"And you're sure that's all of them, Cross?" Sanji asked.
I shrugged. "Most of the rest of them are either in the distant past or distant future, and the ones that aren't, I've already done all I can for."
-o-
Too Little, Too Late
Admiral Kuzan walked away from Sengoku's office with a mask of apathy firmly in place. He moved straight for the nearest room where his Haki detected no presence. The moment the door closed behind him, he sank into the nearest chair and began kneading his forehead.
"
Those idiots," he hissed through gritted teeth. "
Lack of future resources be damned, we can't do this! Why would they even… and this all just because I…"
Strong feelings welled up, of the sort that he hadn't allowed himself to feel since Ohara. But that seal had broken long ago along with his mask. And his rage built higher as
that voice bounced in his skull. Find his own justice, act for himself…
SLAM!
The admiral huffed as he stared at the table he had slammed neatly in half, not even using his powers to do so.
"I should have warned that son of a bitch when I had the chance," he sighed angrily. He stood there, fuming over the broken table for several minutes. Then his Haki alerted him to a strong presence approaching. The door opened, and he turned to see the person standing there.
"…Did Garp break another table?" Vice Admiral Tsuru asked dryly.
"I guess," Kuzan stated. Then something came into his mind… and he steeled himself as he looked Tsuru in the eye. "By the by, you're still not talking to Sengoku, right?"
Tsuru raised a brow.
"Just that he just told me something that I think Garp may want to know, and I'd rather he not find out that I let it slip."
Both of Tsuru's brows rose.
"Maybe you could pass it on? You can control him better than I can."
Tsuru nearly snorted at that.
"Point taken. Anyway, though…"
Two minutes later, Tsuru was moving with as calm a pace as she could manage to her office. Garp would know about this, certainly, but something told her that it would be better to inform her co-conspirators first.
-o-
Growth Spurt
"Oh, Warden, you're awake. I was worried."
Magellan sat up in the medical bed with a groan. Memories filtered back into his mind—
And his eyes snapped open. The doctor before him was already saluting and immediately began talking.
"The uprising is over, Warden. Blackbeard infiltrated Level 6 and set the entire floor against each other, taking the worst of them and escaping. He's gone, but few other prisoners have come as close; we are still running a final inventory, but we can comfortably say that fewer than a dozen prisoners have slipped out since then. Hannyabal, Mistress Sadi, and Saldeath were able to reestablish order with help from the visiting Marines; everyone involved has expressed a need to speak with you as soon as possible."
Magellan pressed a hand to his face, suppressing the pain already growing there. In an attempt to distract himself, he cast his eyes about the room—
And blinked as he saw the Blugoris' master lying in another bed.
"Should I be worried about any of the staff's well-being?"
"Oh, not to worry, Warden. Why, Chief Guard Saldeath will be
more than fine! When I was giving him a once-over, I found that he'd grown by half an inch! I do believe he's finally managing to hit his growth spurt! Why, he was so pleased when I told him, fainted dead away with joy!"
Magellan blinked slowly. "Yes. Joy. I'm sure that's it."
"Curious, that was the same reaction Wardens Hannyabal and Domino had when I informed them!"
"I'm not surprised."
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