This needs an omake. Little Syr's adventures in Avernus, accompanied by her ~BEST FRIENDS~ and some particularly loyal bodyguard who is officially the ~BESTEST FRIEND.~
I will give a better the usual reward for this Omake
You're tricky people. Dirty tricks.
~~~
Friendly Fire
~~~
[Issue #3102 of The Avernus Compress, Classifieds: Social Entreaties, Galas, Bonanzas]
Companions needed for child. Ages 4-7. Requires time, attention. Loc. DIS. Compensation adequate. Education provided. Contact 01-77682278.
+++THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN APPRAISED BY THE OFFICE OF ARBITRATORS+++
~~~
SYR'S
TIMTAB TIMETABEL SCED DAY
0800 WAKE UP
0815
BREK BREAKFIST EAT
0900
SCO SCHOOL
1000 EAT
1100
FIT FIGHT
1230 EAT
1400 NAP
1500 SCHOOL
1600 MOM!
1700 FIGHT
1800 EAT
1900 DADDY!
2100 SLEEP
~~~
0900 School
The tutor droned on. As a priest of the Mechanicus, his unending patience and steady, hypnotising tone was crucial to educating small children.
"…classify deathworlds, i.e. those hostile to human life and settlement, into three categories: environmental, animal, and existential. Avernus, hosting both terafauna and profound warp-schisms, is classified as animal and existential. However, it does not qualify for environmental, on account of most environmental hazards being sourced to the actions of its animals."
Ugh. This was
so boring. Syr propped her head up on her hands, unwilling to fall. And yet, sleep beckoned.
Next to her, Matthias had already fallen into his book, snoring quietly.
"Further assessments of Avernus may change the rating. The Time-Twisted Plains of the east host places where time passes at an increased rate, that is,
temporocelerity, and where time passes at a decreased rate,
temporolentation. Studies into the area will determine whether it is a generated effect, or a byproduct of resident creatures…"
SO. BORING.
~~~
1000 First Lunch
"Lady Nicola, may I trouble you to pass the butter?"
Nicholas, one hand patting down his bonnet, moved the azure rose porcelain plate to Syr. "Here you are, Miss Megapresident of Avernus." He scratched his head, the band itching.
Megapresident Syr nodded gracefully in thanks, and took her knife, digging into the imaginary butter and spreading it on her imaginary tea. She took a deep, bracing sip. "Mmm. This Calladium M37 is simply scrumptious. Wouldn't you agree, Staff Sergeant Borealis?"
The staff sergeant, whose legs barely fit in the children's table, nodded. "Yes. It was a good year, for tea."
"Speaking of tea," said Jane airily, more often known as Master Janus of the Eastern Fringe, "Our latest shipments have fallen to foul warp things from the deeps of outer space. The prices, I'm told, will
soar." She sniffed, the cuffs of her sleeves flopping about.
"No!" gasped Lady Matthias, batting his fan.
"But the nobles!" gasped Officer Kelly, her cap falling over her eyes.
Master Janus nodded. "Yes! The debutantes will swoon with fever as their parties go unwatered."
"But what of our parties?" said Megapresident Syr sorrowfully. "How must we convalesce, without tea?"
"Hey Matt?"
"Fear not," announced Master Janus. "For my good friends, I have an advance shipment that escaped. I will even add a gentleman's discount."
"Yeah?"
"You are too good to us, Master Janus. Pray tell, what is your asking price?"
"If there's an outer space, does that mean there's an inner space?"
Master Janus grinned. "Four hundred percent."
Officer Kelly threw up her arms. "Robber baron!"
"I think inner space is like your house or something."
"Take it or leave it," said Janus, examining her fingernails for flaws in the sparkle paint.
Syr slapped the table. "I object! Your blatant monopoly is a violation of good taste, as well as an ethical violation of good business practice!"
"Oh. I guess there's not much to go around."
"Hoho!" said Master Janus. "And what will you do? Reduce future relations to token business while you search for a new supplier? I never suspected you of such underhanded dealings, Megapresident."
"There's nothing wrong with diversifying your resource redundancy!" Syr yelled, banging on the table. She whipped her head to the staff sergeant. "Borealis! Enforce my legislation!"
Staff Sergeant Borealis stared. His eyes had the dead gleam of a man who has walked through pink, floral hell. Deliberately, he picked at the empty air of the purple trimmed dish, and
dipped it into his teacup.
Syr gasped. "You can't dip jam and cheese croix into your tea! It'll
dissolve!"
The staff sergeant stared her straight in the eyes as he swirled it, the croix breaking apart and turning the mixture into creamy imaginary slurry. When he was finished with his gross misconduct, he raised the cup to his lips.
"No," said Syr. "Don't you dare."
He sipped.
"Oh, the humanity," sighed Officer Kelly, and fainted.
He slurped.
"My god," muttered Matthias.
He put a spoon in and rattled the sides. Finally, under Syr's molten gaze, he put it down, and let out a deep breath. "Delicious."
Syr's eye twitched.
~~~
1100 Combat Training
The wind whipped her hair, the sun cold on her brow. In the distance, the titan roared, its head crowned by clouds. Borealis, the Frostberg, from whose maw came snow and blizzards, blighting crops and slaying animals where they slept.
But Syr was no mere mortal. She was mighty! Her sword was made of finest gold, and her flowered armour forged by the distant craftsmen of
Hollin Youth Apparel Inc. She was the Chosen One, and she would defeat the winter beast, and return spring to the grateful people and fuzzy animals of Avernus.
So resolved, she let out a mighty cry, and brought down her sword. "FOR TEA!"
~~~
5-0
Victory to SSG Borealis.
"Man," said Syr, "Nuts to this."
"Language," said Borealis.
~~~
1200 Main Lunch
"Nick, are you okay?" asked Jane.
Nick was breathing deeply, his eyes dilated. The Grox Roast MRE lay in front of him, totally consumed. "I've never been so full in my life."
"I told you it was too much," said Syr. "You won't need to eat for two days."
"Is he going to puke? Ew!" cried Kelly.
"'M not gonna."
"Man, have some water. Solves everything." Matthias shoved a sipper into Nick's vibrating hands, and held the base when they proved too shaky.
"What in hell is going on here?"
"Borealis!" cried Syr, grabbing her bodyguard, "Nick ordered the grox roast and now he's weird!"
Borealis leaned down. He patted Nick's face, checked his pulse, and looked him in the eyes. After a tense moment, he relaxed. "He's just eaten too much. No running or jumping or hard exercises." He picked up the wrapping for the MRE, and glanced at the ingredients. "Nothing in these you can't eat. But they're meant to keep a soldier going for six hours of hard combat. You're going to be burning in your sleep if you don't walk it off."
~~~
1400 Nap EXPLORE
"I said I'm fine," said Nick, walking from side to side. "Don't need the medica."
"That's what you said when you ate the grox," said Jane primly. "Forgive me if I disagree."
"This place is huge," whispered Matthias, gawking at the statues. "Do you think I can climb the saints?"
"You don't need to climb them," said Syr.
"I'm gonna climb them."
"Do not climb them," said Borealis.
"Aww."
"Um," said Kelly, "Are you sure we're going the right way?"
"It's cooler down here," said Syr. "This was where they stored the water tanks on planetfall, so lots of pipes go through here."
"As well as the hospital," added Borealis, herding Matt with the butt of his rifle. "Access to clean water is a requirement for doctors. Then they expanded the medical district upward, but you can still access it from base." They reached a tramlift, and went up.
They waited.
"This is slow," said Kelly.
"Oh man," murmured Nick, lying on the steel floor. "So cold. So nice."
"Um, are you okay?" asked Syr.
"I can see through time."
"Okay."
~~~
"Overeating. Surplus of supplies. Body concentrating on storing nutrients for periods of scarcity." Magos Saren scanned Nick once more.
"Recognise adaptation. Midgard immigrant."
"Mister Saren, why are you here?"
Saren poked the governor's daughter with a wiggling dendrite.
"Many jobs. Have been avoiding physicals, Syr Njorordatter. See me after your mother."
"What?"
From down the hallway, there was a quiet, "What!" And then some footsteps, before the curtains opened, letting in Freya. "Syr! Don't you have school?"
"Oh, nuts." Syr buried her face in her hands. There was a
whoa as they all saw Syr's mom, and that Syr's mom was super pretty.
"Syr?" The governor peeked through the curtain. "And your friends?"
"Whoa!" Matthias pointed. "You're the governor!"
Frederick nodded. "Yes, I am. What's all this then?"
"Nick ate lunch and it was too big," said Kelly, gazing at Freya. "You're really pretty, Syr's mom."
Freya blinked. "Why thank you, darling."
"Hey wait!" Syr pointed an accusing finger. "You're meant to be at work!"
"The first lady is here for her examinations," said Saren.
"She has been experiencing several symptoms of incub—"
"OKAY," Freya interrupted, "We're very busy let's go, Frederick." She stared down Saren, giving him two fingers from eye to eye, then stalked off.
Frederick glanced to the children, and said, "Message from your governor: Don't do cults, kids." Then he walked off as well.
Kelly sighed. "Wowza."
"Mhmm." Matthias nodded sagely. "Wait, your dad's the governor?"
~~~
AN: Obviously this is the midseason episode of Syr's Saga where they learn all about knowing your limits. You should have been here last week, where they tried to scale the outside of Dis and Jane had to learn to trust her idiot friends. And Matthias discovered his love of heights, and one day he will soar with the eagles.
