Trigger warning: the following chapter contains talks of suicide.
Nuclear Fire 70
"But I want to stay!" Valerie kicks the ground and puffs her cheeks in frustration.
She looks adorable, but my determination remains unshaken.
"I can help you!" she insists, but she's wrong. She can't help me. At least not with what I truly desire to achieve. I don't think anyone can.
"Did you finish your armor?" I ask her, hardening my gaze.
"No," she admits, looking away.
Despite everything, she's still just a little girl. One that has been through a lot and needs proper guidance.
"Remember what I told you. Finish one thing before moving to a new one." I offer her a smile. "And, hey, once it's ready I will help you mount some rockets onto it."
That does the trick by turning her frown into a smile. "Okay! You better not forget!"
"Note it down so you don't forget it either." Check-lists are one of the cornerstones of civilized society, and the faster she learns how to use them the better it will be for everyone.
With that lesson imparted, I see her off. She will be the one to inform the rest of the team that I'll remain here.
It has to be her. I wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes otherwise.
"That wasn't very nice of you," a voice at my back admonishes me. It's Dragon coming for me.
"What thing?"
"Pushing her away like that. She just wanted to help you."
I don't have time for this. "She's still too inexperienced," I say with a dismissive wave of my hand. "Once she has grown as a tinker, I'll be more than happy to ask for her assistance."
"That's what Armsmaster always told Kid Win."
That makes me skip a step.
Low blow, woman. A damn low blow.
She thankfully doesn't comment more on that and leads me to where the PRT left my resources, which is coincidentally the same place where I'll be staying the night: Kid Win's lab.
Former lab, actually. His many recent breakthroughs since discovering his specialty qualified him for a higher budget, and he's in the process of moving to a bigger place. That's why none of his equipment is here. I doubt they'd have let me use it if it was any other way.
"Call me if you need anything," Dragon tells me. "Armsmaster's out on patrol but I'll stay around." Her monitor goes black, and her quadcopter flies out of the room, probably back to its recharge station.
I close the door behind it. A heavy-duty one that reminds me of the ones one would find in an X-Ray room. This entire place has been built like one, in fact, with thick walls layered with lead, and a conductive mesh that acts as a faraday cage. This is all needed to ensure that no dangerous emissions leaks out of this room if the tinker inside works with anything radioactive or worse.
The only way to send or receive signals is through exotic means (like the many I have) or by using the microphones and cameras hanging from the walls.
They are there to keep the tinker in contact with the outside world. Not only to make sure he doesn't need assistance but also to keep him informed in case his services are needed elsewhere.
I'm also willing to bet that they are there to keep an eye on me.
Curiously enough, I have no human supervisors.
This room doesn't have windows for people from the outside to look at me, and I won't receive periodic visits to check how I am doing. At least, not according to Dragon, who I'm reasonably sure I can trust.
That sounds like an oversight to me. Using electronic surveillance to keep watch of a tinker sounds like locking the wolf in with the sheep, but it does make some amount of sense.
A window could weaken the structure of the faraday cage, and I doubt that anyone wants to be the unlucky schmuck who startles a tinker while he's in the middle of delicate work.
I'm willing to bet that many lives have been lost that way.
Still a risky arrangement I wouldn't approve of, but one that makes more sense once you factor Dragon in, the former greatest tinker in the world always willing to keep an eye on the problem cases.
And yes, it's true. Dragon is good. Scarily so. Her power to understand and replicate foreign tinkertech is extremely versatile, and to that one has to add her enhanced capabilities due to being an AI.
Here is the thing, though.
She's not as good as the Technocracy.
Also, I have another important advantage that few share: I know that she's an AI, and I know that when she talks to me she isn't transmitting her voice from a long distance but physically (or electronically) inhabiting the devices she uses.
That means that in theory -only in theory- I should be able to trick her by forcing her to connect to a virtual machine.
I'm going to get in so much trouble after this. Like, Oh my God, I'm never hearing the end of it.
But it was either this or risking being found out by the girls back at home.
My choice was easy to make.
And, hey, if I succeed I won't have anything to worry about.
And if I don't, well, I still won't have anything to worry about.
From one of my pockets, I pull out a small device. It looks like a control remote for a garage door, just a bit bulkier, with an antenna on the side and a single button.
I press it.
The Data Devil activates, and in the time a normal human would need to calculate two plus two I've taken control of the local close circuit network.
Okay--
Did it work?
"Dragon, are you there?" I ask out loud but there's no reply. "Dragon and Armsmaster, sitting in a tree--"
Nothing.
Excellent.
So far so good.
The only thing that Dragon -or anyone- will be able to see for the foreseeable future will be innocent me working before going to sleep. Even if someone does talk to me, the virtual machine I just installed will link to my armor, allowing me to talk to them like normal.
If my calculations are right, it will take Dragon 12 hours to figure out I took over her systems. Once she does, it will be too late for her or anyone else to stop me.
And if my calculations are wrong, well, again, it won't really matter either way.
With step one ready, comes the time for step two. A little bending of the rules for my amusement because even if the PRT forbids me from taking anything I build with their materials out, they said nothing about bringing my resources in. And this is something that the faraday cage will help me with because I may be detected if it wasn't there.
I open a portal, and through it comes more than a dozen drones. Upgraded ones. The best of the best.
I feel bad for not telling Newt that I took them for a ride but this is the purpose I designed them to fulfill. And I fear that, if she were to know, she'd convince me not to do it.
"You have your orders," I address them as I download the blueprints into their memory banks. "Make me proud."
As if I needed to tell them that. They already did with their existence alone.
The drones get to work, and the boxes of resources that the PRT provided me slowly empty as the cocoon of metal in the center of the room grows.
Their speed is impressive. Even I have trouble keeping up with them, and this reminds me why the Zerg were the most terrifying creatures of the Koprulu sector. Even if a single Protoss Zealot could kill an army of zerglings, he'd eventually drown under the bodies. That's how Aiur fell. It's almost impossible to fight against such a monstrous production capacity.
Of course, I don't remain still. I help where I can, mostly fixing some details and polishing some rough edges, but this is mostly their achievement. One that I feel no shame admitting it'd have taken me days of careful planning to replicate.
What they have been able to do on their own humbles me, and I wonder how far they'll go without me.
They will be fine.
The final step is to download all the information that the Flesh Canvas collected into it, and in less than an hour, it's ready.
A wave of relief washes over me. Not only is it fully functional, but the PRT has failed to notice I'm building this in the middle of their base.
I feel like breaking down in laughter.
Or in tears. Either would be appropriate.
There's no turning back now.
Looking at it, I realize that it shares an uncanny resemblance with the chrysalis that Kerrigan entered to ascend into a Primal Zerg. Appropriate, I'd say, as this will be my ascension. My Glorious Evolution, as Viktor would put it.
The smooth panels of neosteel hide underneath the palpitating zerg-flesh shaped using the knowledge of the Progenitors and the Tremere, with Newt's and my blood mixed into it.
I dread to use the word 'perfect' as it'd imply that there's no further avenue for progress, and that couldn't be further from the truth, but this device represents an impeccable balance of the machine, organic biology, and whatever Khaydarin is.
"Excellent work, everyone," I tell the drones from the bottom of my heart, offering them brief but sincere applause. "You can go home now." The final step is something I'd prefer to be alone for.
I open a portal for them to leave through. They do, forming a neat little line just like Newt taught them.
Except for one.
A drone remains back, staring at me with what almost feels like concern.
I recognize him from the yellow marks dotting his chassis. It's 63, the first drone I upgraded. Being the oldest, it makes sense that he'd be the smartest. If only by virtue of experience.
"You can leave," I insist. "Everything's going to be fine."
His brothers have already left and are waiting for him on the other side of the portal. He cocks his head to one side and then to the other before turning around and heading after them.
"Wait!" It takes me a moment to realize that it was me who said that.
With my heart throbbing inside my throat, I walk up to 63, pick him up, and press him against my chest.
"Take care of your mother." That makes me feel better. No loose ends.
I set him back on the ground and he glanced back at me as if this was the last time he's going to see me.
Is guilt the source of the pain that stings in my chest?
It remains there even after the portal closes at 63's back.
I force it down.
Endure and push on. If I pretend that everything's fine, I may even end up believing it.
But why believe a lie when I can turn it into a reality?
Soon it will all be better and the pain will end.
Very soon.
Now alone I have all the time I could ever need to admire my creation. The great machine that will be my salvation. That will burn the rotting humanity away, forging it into something new and better. Something superior.
But that's not the reason why I'm in awe of it. Why those I call friends would be horrified by it.
It's its other function.
The cleansing of the errors that plague me.
Like a computer saturated by decades of trash, my regrets, guilt, foolishness, and insecurities coagulated long ago into a mass of fear and mistakes. They distract me. Lead me astray.
I don't want to suffer them any longer.
There are far too many things that I don't understand. Too many mistakes that I make for no other reason than my lack of foresight.
I want to be better than I am right now.
And what do you do with a faulty computer?
You format it and start over.
Just like I told Valerie.
Reminds me of a quote I read once.
What is hell if not our regrets, the attachments we refuse to let go of? By burning them, by breaking those chains of memories that bind us, we can reach salvation. Only if I let go of that burden will I be able to move forward.
It's not like anyone needs me for anything.
Tattletale knows everything I once did about Worm. So does Newt. They will be the ones who'll keep the fight going and eventually save the world. Not me.
Never me.
I'm not good enough.
Newt told me that if I want to carry that burden, then the easy answer is to grow stronger. But I'm not that kind of person. I lack the strength of will. But I'm a tinker. Why put the effort into anything when I can build a machine to do it for me?
Like I just did.
Everything will be fine.
There cannot be any guilt if there are no secrets to keep, or memories to regret.
That's why I'll destroy them.
It will set me free.
Free of pain.
Free of guilt.
Everything.
I just--
A single step. Do it and be done with it.
It will be for the best! This is what I want!
An end to the misery.
Peace and tranquility.
Why can't I move?
Is it fear? Doubt?
Of what?
I never liked myself to begin with! Nothing of worth will be lost if it gets destroyed!
With this, I can be normal! I'll be able to fit right in and not feel like a constant stranger!
The new being that will be born will replace me, and carry on without the mistakes of the past. The mistake is me.
And yet, I don't move.
A sound next to my ear informs me of an outgoing call. When did I dial that number?
It doesn't matter.
It's not like she likes me in the first place, so she has no reason to--
She picks up.
"What mess do you want me to fix now?" Her voice comes from the other side.
"Hi, Tattletale!" I greet her, not knowing what else to say. What was I hoping to accomplish calling her?
She forces air through her lips. "Look, I have more than enough on my table right now to care about your bullshit. So if it's not important--"
"I'm going to erase my memories." There. I said it.
It takes her a moment to answer. "What?"
Is she stupid? Is she deaf? I just told her! There's no reason to repeat myself!
I still do, though. Not sure why.
"I'm going to erase my memories."
From the other side of the line comes the sound of a flurry of movement. Papers being scattered, feet in motion, and what almost sounds like a keyboard hitting the ground.
"Don't move!" She yells. "Stay where you are! I'll be there in a moment. And don't you dare hang up this fucking phone, understand? Keep talking to me!"
"Okay," I tell her, nodding alongside my reply even if she cannot see me.
Tattletale then proceeds to ask me a bunch of useless stuff. She asks me about my favorite color -blue-, book -The Witcher-, and other assortments of meaningless stuff.
The more she talks, the weaker I feel, and I allow myself to fall seated on the floor.
I press my knees against my chest and wait for her arrival.
There's a soft scratching noise as I fidget with my armored foot, using that as an excuse to focus my eyes on anything else but on Lisa who's sitting in front of me with her arms folded. She arrived here about ten minutes ago by portal and since then she has been staring at me in silence.
I can imagine the things she must be thinking about me right now and none of them are good.
"Why are you here?" I finally ask her, wanting to break the silence that has become akin to a suffocating blanket.
"You called me, remember?"
Ah, yes. I indeed did that.
"You still decided to come."
"Because I'm a massive idiot," she replies, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Why? Why would you do this?"
A couple of reasons, really. My belief that I'm simply not good enough or ready for this is paramount among them. The overwhelming feeling that I'm a waste of space and resources and that everyone would be happier without me around being a bother.
"I don't know why you'd care," I say with a shrug. "It's my life."
That causes Lisa to spring out, jumping to her feet and circling me as she aims an index at my face. "This is just suicide with extra steps!" The strain is clear in her voice. "And do you know what the problem with that 'it's my life' crap is? That excuse stops working the moment you decide to get involved with others. Your life no longer belongs only to you but also to all those you chose to share it with!"
Yes, yes, you don't need to remind me of that. That was my mistake. And that wasn't even my original intention! My plan was to dig a cozy hole in the ground where I could wait for the end of the world, but then I had to step into Taylor's life.
What an imbecile I was.
"How do you think your family would react to this?" Lisa pushes on with a low grumble of annoyance.
"They will be fine," I say with a shrug. "Taylor's going to a better school, is doing something that she believes in, and is patching things up with her father." The original Taylor was trapped between doing what she felt was right and doing what she felt was necessary. This Taylor isn't like that. She isn't playing the role of a villain to infiltrate a bigger gang or working for a monster in the hopes of saving a kidnapped girl. This Taylor is doing something that she believes in, and that has done wonders for her mental health. "Even Danny has finally moved on from Annette's death." At least I assume that's what our visit to her grave represented. "They are better now than they have been in years."
"Because of you, you dimwitted moron!" Lisa yells out, making me flinch. "Is it so difficult to accept that you did something right?" Yes. "And do I need to remind you about a little something called 'Zion' coming to kill us all?"
"What about it? I'm not needed. The entire hive knows about it. So do you for that matter."
"Oh, you're not using me as an excuse!"
I-- no, no. She isn't an excuse. She's insurance. She's someone who has the power to do something useful with that knowledge. More than I could ever achieve.
"But it's the truth. I mean, you managed all right the first time and that was without all the knowledge from my previous life."
Lisa goes silent after that. She presses a finger against her lips and I can almost hear the gears in her head-turning.
"There's something that I've been wondering about you for a while now." The way she says that reminds me of a judge about to dictate sentences. "When you talk about who you were, about this person who read a story with us as characters, you always refer to it as your 'previous life'." She makes a pause and takes a deep breath before continuing. "How did you die?"
A shot of electricity runs down my back.
I never thought about that. I know that I used to live there, then I found myself here, and I'm reasonably sure that a loss of life was involved. But I'm not sure how long my life over there lasted. Every time I try to think about the end the images melt away into the darkness, and trying to recall them is like trying to grip water.
"I don't know." I hug myself, feeling incredibly cold. "And I think I don't want to know either." It doesn't matter. "But it's not like I can go back. The only 'me' that matters right now is the one that you have in front of you, and that 'me' is tired. I'm exhausted. I want to rest and stop worrying about meaningless stuff." I throw her a glance, clenching my teeth. "Especially people judging me."
I don't like her eyes. I know she doesn't like me. I know that she thinks only the worst of me. Why doesn't she just say it? I hate when people go silent and act as if they liked me.
"You're too self-centered to care about that," she says with a dismissive wave of her hand. "The only person who judges you is yourself and you don't like what you see. The worst part is that you'll never be satisfied because you don't know what you want! And you don't like having responsibilities either because you don't believe that you can live up to them. That's why you told me about your past."
I clench my teeth, and I hear them screeching as I grind them. "I told you because there was no point hiding it from you." It's just that simple. "Thanks to your powers you'd have found out sooner or later, so I went for a preventive attack." There was no avoiding it. There was no running from it. So I charged right ahead against that wall. Either I won or broke my skull in the process, both were valid outcomes. "That way I could tell you under circumstances that I could control. I don't like things that I can't control."
"Is that why you hate yourself?"
Her student question catches me off-guard. "You know what? You may be onto something there." I release a soft chuckle, finding it funny for some reason.
"Why, then, did you build your robots with free will? Wouldn't it have made more sense to keep them enslaved to you?"
For someone who pretends to be a mind reader, and who has a power that borderline allows her to do exactly that, she doesn't know me all that well. "I hate being forced to do something I don't want to do! And so I respond in kind. And yes, I'm aware that's a contradiction, but what can I say? I'm a big fucking contradiction!"
"No, you aren't," she quickly replies, her voice calm and even as if she was talking to a child. "You're painfully simple in that regard. Do you want me to tell you the real reason why you didn't tell Taylor about your past but you told me?" No, but you'll do so anyway. "It's because you hate me. You hate how I talk, the way I immediately know everyone's secrets, and how I use them to hurt everyone around me as a way to deal with my regrets. And ironically, it's because of that why you think you can trust me. If you hate me then I clearly hate you back, and so you have nothing to lose with me. Unlike with Taylor. You aren't complex or contradictory, you just want people to like you. That's all."
Maybe--
I don't know.
We all want to be loved and accepted, don't we?
"Is that so bad?"
"It is when the way you handle it is by never doing anything, never achieving anything, and never holding anything out of fear of losing it! That's why you're such a ridiculous yes-man who just does what he's told! And this ridiculous thing that you built?" She gestures at the pod. "Your excuse to escape it all. Because you believe that if you don't possess anything then you'll never risk losing it!"
Yes. I find no argument against that. That's why I want to put an end to it all.
"You're right."
"See?" She yells out. "You're doing that right now!"
"What?"
"You don't believe what you're telling me! You're just saying what you think I want to hear and going along with it as a way to shut my argument down! Because you don't want to go through the hassle of arguing back!"
This is getting frustrating. She is becoming frustrating. I don't want to justify everything that I do. Not to anyone, and much less to her.
"That's how I lived my old life," I reply with a shrug. "Just follow the rules, do as I was told, and never bring too much attention to myself." The same way Taylor did, the big difference being that I never got any superpowers out of that and I didn't have the willpower to fight back. I guess that's why she always frustrated me so much as a character. Because I saw myself reflected on her.
"That sounds dreadfully boring."
And isn't that the truth?
"But it was safe! It was predictable. It was something that I could trust."
"It was something that allowed you to ignore the possibility of anything going wrong, of anything changing! You lived in a bubble of self-delusion!" Lisa then folds her arms and her lips curl into a smug grin. What did she find? Nothing good, I'm sure. "And then you ended up here. Can't imagine what it must have felt waking up in Earth Bet."
Like waking up one day to the news that gods and aliens are real, that they had turned our homes into their battlefields, and that we have no control over our fates.
How to rebuild your life after such revelation? How to even keep living?
"You know perfectly well that we're on borrowed time," I tell her. "There's the gangs, the Endbringers, the Entities, and freaking Cauldron. Any of them could end us in the blink of an eye but they choose not to because they like toying with us!" That must be the worst part. The illusion that we have a choice only for it to get dispelled the moment we get close to it. "This place is full of awful and selfish people, but unlike my previous life I can't ignore them because they have the power of literal gods at their fingertips!" Back home I at least had the vague comfort that any asshole would die by a bullet the same way anyone else would. Here we aren't that lucky. "Everything that could have gone wrong has already gone wrong. When I discovered where I was I panicked. It was terrifying!"
And yet I didn't let that stop me, did I? When most people simply wish for things not to be awful I dared to think that things could get better. And it was all thanks to Taylor. She dared to fight back. Because of her, I built tools and weapons. We prepared for the fight, dreaming that we may even win.
And we did.
We battled Lung, Coil, the Empire, and even an Endbringer. And we won.
"It was also the most alive I had felt in years, maybe even decades," I admit, and with that admission, it's like the weight of the world has fallen on my shoulders.
I feel weak. Small.
"And that scared you," Lisa says.
Of course it did. Despite our victories I never celebrated because I knew that things would only keep getting worse, so what was the point of fighting back? It will never end.
"I don't know how to handle any of this!" I don't want to feel this way anymore. "That's why my solution is to remove the doubt."
"By removing yourself."
"Yes!" I yell. "I don't know how to lead, how to decide, or how to handle my mistakes. I don't even know how to talk to people! I just know how to exist." There's a difference between living and surviving, and I have been doing the latter for so long that I forgot how to do the former.
"You envy me," Lisa says and that declaration feels like a blow to my chest. "You envy that I know exactly what to say to get people to do what I want them to do. You envy that I know what I want and how to get it."
She pauses before continuing as if searching for the right words.
"But you're wrong. For once I genuinely don't know what to tell you to make you change your mind."
Of course she doesn't. Long ago I accepted that no one can help me, so what's the point of asking for it?
"But do you know what else?" She presses on. "You taught me something important. That sometimes I can find myself way out of my depth, and that's when I should ask for help." What is she talking about? "Your turn."
My turn? I don't even--
There's a shimmering in the air, and suddenly I find myself staring into the glass eyes of a demon mask.
"I--"
That's all I manage to say before Aisha's fist slams into my jaw.
It's amazing how things can change in such a short time. This day has gone from frustrating, to anger-inducing, to slightly depressing, and now finally it's downright awkward.
Seated with her legs crossed next to Lisa is Aisha, her mask resting at her side. I don't see her face, though, because I make a conscious effort to look at everything but that. The confirmation that I disappointed yet another friend is not something I need right now.
I do wonder why Lisa brought her, though. Wouldn't any of the other girls have made more sense?
"If I had brought Taylor she'd have let her emotions get the best of her and you'd have panicked," she replies reminding me that her powers are bulshit. "And if I had brought the androids you'd have shut yourself down into believing that whatever they said was just because they were programmed to do so. Aisha hits the sweet middle spot."
Yes, that makes perfect sense when put like that. The only question now is what she was supposed to achieve.
"So--" Aisha finally says, "does this mean that the crazy preacher who tried to get mom off of drugs was right?"
Okay, that-- that was not what I was expecting her to ask.
"What are you talking about?"
"You died, didn't you? And then you got here. That means that there's life after death, right?"
Uh. You know what? I never thought about it that way. Is there a continuity of existence? Is the soul real and is now inhabiting this body, or am I an artificial construct with the implanted memories of someone else? If it's the former, then why? How?
Joy. Not only will evil conspiracies and alien monstrosities be coming after my ass, but religious fanatics too.
"Maybe?" I reply. "But I assure you that if Earth Bet is my afterlife then I'm nowhere near heaven." Earth Bet is a place of suffering and anger. "It does make for a good hell, though."
My comment is answered by a chuckle from Aisha. "Believe me, I don't need you to tell me that. It becomes a bit obvious after a while."
I'm not sure what else to say here. I thought that she'd try to address my stupid idea, not to go full existentialist on me.
"I thought you'd take this some other way."
"Come on, you should know by now that I like to surprise people!" She raises a finger which she then aims at me. "Just one important question: did you ever use your new body to sneak into the girl's bathroom?"
Did she really--
I don't even--
"What?! No! Why would I even do that?"
"Just saying, there are many old farts who'd love the chance to be around little girls without risking jail."
Oh, God, no. Fuck no. I'm painfully aware of that fact and that kind of person is why I want to bring impalement back into fashion.
"Well, I'm not one of them and I find that deeply repulsive."
Aisha nods sagely at that. "Is that why you always freaked out whenever I tried to flirt with you?"
She doesn't need to remind me of that. I appreciate that she dropped any attempts to do that as I enjoy her friendship.
"Yes. No offense but I still see myself as a thirty-something guy and having a girl less than half my age offer to kiss me felt all kinds of wrong."
Her eyes suddenly turn sharp and I can feel daggers being thrown from them. "And now you want to become a true child. As useless and boring as everyone else."
Great. I was actually enjoying us not talking about that.
"It's more complicated than that," I mumble back.
"Is it? Because from where I'm standing you sound like yet another asshole doing some stupid shit to romance me!"
What the fuck? That's not even-- Aisha's existence wasn't even a factor when I thought about this!
"This isn't about you!"
"Is it, though?" She raises up, looking furious at me. "You were the first person who heard the stupid bulshit I had to say and didn't treat me like a moronic imbecile! You made me think that I wasn't a failure like everyone else said I was!"
Considering what she heard, and what Lisa probably told her, she must know the real reason for that.
"Because I knew who you truly were!" I yell back at her. "I knew what you could do! In the original timeline, you killed Heartbreaker! For Pete's sake, you even stood your ground against fucking Zion!"
Her eyes widen at my declaration. "Wow, I did that? I'm even more awesome than I thought." Then they turn serious as they turn back at me. "If you hadn't known all that stuff, would you have treated me the same?"
I open my mouth to speak but no words come out of it.
At first glance, Aisha comes off as yet another loudmouth angry teenager demanding to be noticed. It's only after you pay attention that you realize that there's so much more to be seen. But would have I noticed? Of course not. I don't like doing anything more than the absolute minimum.
"See?" She walks to my side and pokes me on the shoulder. "You know I'm right. I thought you were different, but you're like everyone else trying to 'fit in' with the rest by throwing me into the trash."
"It's not about fitting in," I argue back even if I don't believe my own words. "It's about not hurting those I care for."
That's it, right? Just remain quiet and silent, doing what you're told while not disturbing the others.
"And so what?" She raises her voice even louder. "You never asked me what I wanted! You acted just like my father and my brother doing some selfish dumb shit while claiming they were doing me a favor. How do you think I'd have felt when I saw a stranger in your place?"
I did think about that. For a brief moment. Just before discarding the entire idea as superfluous because there was no way it could affect me.
"It wouldn't have mattered because I wouldn't have been there for it!"
I immediately slap a hand over my mouth but it's already too late for it.
Aisha crouches in front of me. I try to look away but she grabs me by the top of my head and forces me to look into her eyes.
"So this isn't about doing the right thing or not wanting to hurt us. It's about you being scared and wanting to flee. But you don't need to! I risked my ass against an Endbringer for you knowing that you'd do the same for me! And now you tell me that you thought I'd have abandoned you over this bullshit? I don't even understand what the big deal is!"
It-- it is important. It has to be a big deal, otherwise, there would have been no reason for me to panic so much about it.
"Don't you hate me for knowing all your secrets? Of using them to manipulate you?"
Aisha curses under her breath before standing back up again.
"What secrets?! Did I ever give the impression of being someone who tries to keep any stupid secret? Oh no, my mom is a drug addict. Oh no, I was a complete accident. Give me a break! Anyone with a pair of eyes would have seen that. Did you ever know that I had a platypus imaginary friend named Susan when I was five?"
"I-- No?"
The story never went that deep into the backstory of every single character. Maybe in one of that author's posts? Who knows.
"Then there you go!" She continues her yell, wailing her arms around as if searching for something worth punching. "A horrible secret no one knew about. I don't care! And about manipulating me, what did you do or say that made me do something I wouldn't have done?"
Once again I open my mouth but find myself with no arguments to make. I was very careful with my knowledge because I wanted to evade doing exactly that.
"See?" She insists, pressing her index against my forehead. "You're worrying over a problem that isn't there."
Of course the problem is there. Maybe not now, not yet, but it can still manifest in the future. And then what do we do? That's why I must nip it in the bud and stop it from ever growing. Only that way I can feel secure.
Fuck, that sounds so stupid!
"That's just how I work, alright?" I yell back at her standing back. "Whenever I fear that something's going to go wrong my head just spirals out of control. I can't stop thinking about the worst outcome and accept it as inevitable!" My head hurts. My heart throbs. This is the exact scenario I wanted to avoid. "That's a good way to never get disappointed. When that horrible outcome doesn't happen you're just pleasantly surprised, and when it does, you're prepared."
But it never stops. It's just one thing after the other. You fix one problem but you don't have time to relax or celebrate because you're immediately searching for the next one that may arise.
In the end, you just grow numb to any emotion. And that's good because then you don't experience fear ever again.
Ignorant of my inner turmoil, Aisha's lips curl into a mocking grin. "Do you know what your real problem is? You think too highly of yourself." That's a lie! "You think that you come off as some big evil mastermind that everyone should hate but you aren't. You're too much of a worrywart and a nice guy to be like that. But that's fine. I like having the position of the team's evil team member."
I don't know. I simply don't know anymore.
"What about me?" Lisa interjects, apparently ready to get involved once again.
"You're the pet," Aisha tells her.
"I thought Peter wanted to be the pet."
"Ha! Fine, you can remain the evil vizier."
"And don't forget it."
Why? Why aren't they making a bigger deal out of this? Instead of that they are joking as if it wasn't important!
Maybe because it's not?
With slow and deliberate steps, Lisa walks up to me.
"So, Peter. What do you want? What do you truly desire?"
Doesn't she have the answer already? She said it herself: I don't know what I want.
And yes, I want to build. I want things to be as I envision them to be. I also want to become a better being, and I want to enjoy life without the threat of it ever ending.
"I don't want to lose anyone," I admit. "That's why I work so hard to make immortality a reality."
Without death, eternity will be ours. Endless opportunities to make things right.
"And you were ready to die for it. A bit of a contradiction, wouldn't you say?"
No, it's not. It makes perfect sense once you realize that I was more than ready to sacrifice myself for the sake of everyone else.
Because at the end of the day--
"Who told you that you didn't matter?" Lisa asks before I can even finish formulating that thought.
"Life, I guess." Just go in and go out in an endless cycle without end, doing the best to serve others who'll abandon me the moment it's convenient. "That's why-- well, you put it better than me: if I don't have anything, I can't lose anything either."
She taps a finger against the side of my head. "Already too late for that, wouldn't you say? You have far too many people who care about you, and who you care for. Heck, since a couple of days ago you even had biological children."
"Wait, what?" Aisha yells out, this being the first time that she hears about that.
"Peter hasn't told anyone yet but he built a new branch of drones who are as smart as human children. He did it by mixing his blood with Newt's."
Aisha's eyes narrow, then widen, then narrow again as she continues looking me up and down as if I was a piece of exotic art. "Dude, not cool. Take it from someone who knows about it, don't abandon your children."
I know!
I know I shouldn't! But wasn't she paying attention to my whole diatribes?
"What if I mess up?" That's the only thing that matters. The only thing that will ever matter to me. The paralyzing fear of not being good enough.
"You mean like we both have?" Lisa asks, aiming first at herself and then at Aisha. "On multiple occasions. And in my case-" she makes a pause and the muscles of her neck tense as she forces herself to speak, "-with fatal consequences."
"Yeah, don't worry too much," Aisha steps in. "Be like me! You laugh it out and carry on."
I cannot laugh. I cannot stop thinking about it. I fear that if I make a mistake people will hate me and abandon me.
"That's something that we all have to deal with." Lisa continues. "You learn from your mistakes and you fix them. And if you think you can't, you ask for help. I know that you are nowhere near as prideful enough to not accept help, but you are prideful enough to believe you need to do everything yourself. There's no need for that! All those people who care about you? They are willing to help you. Like Aisha just did. Even me! I am here, am I not? And yes, it sounds stupid but--"
Lisa goes suddenly quiet.
It may have something to do with the fact that I'm hugging her.
"Okay-- This is actually happening," she says with a faint trace of apprehension in her words.
"D'awww, aren't you two adorable?"
I just need a moment. Nothing more.
"There, there." Lisa's voice trembles as she pats my shoulders. "And if you ever needed more proof that I don't hate you, just pay close attention to the fact that I'm not desperately trying to push you away. I'd still appreciate it if you did it on your own, though."
Just a moment longer. I need this. I need to believe that, just for once, I have nothing to worry about.
"Thank you," I tell her, slowly breaking apart. "Thank you for saying that."
Before I know it there's a handkerchief on my hand.
Oh, yeah.
I wipe my face clean, blow my nose, and try to offer it back to Lisa but she rejects it.
"You can keep it." She then coughs into her fist, fixes her hair, and all that while doing a good job ignoring the stain of unidentified fluid on the side of her uniform. "So, I'll repeat my question: what do you want?"
I release a sigh.
Again with this?
"I told you, didn't I? I want immortality."
But why do I want it? Why does my skin crawl every time I hear people talking about death as if it was a good thing? Why do I feel like screaming whenever someone says that misery is needed to understand happiness?
That's fucking stupid! Life and happiness have intrinsic value! You don't need to justify their existence! Some things are good for no other reason than because they simply are!
But people have given up. They stop fighting for a better future, simply accepting things as they are because they convince themselves that they cannot change them. They find power in that conviction because they trick themselves into believing that acceptance and surrender are the same as enlightenment. But that power is cursed and rotten, and yet people parade it around as if it was the Holy Grail.
I say no!
"But it's more than that." I find myself speaking again. It's hard, but I push on. "I want to show people that there's no reason to accept that pain, cruelty, and misery are inevitable aspects of life. Every single human being deserves to live their lives to the fullest, however they see fit." Our potential is infinite, and it's our right to grow into whatever we want. As long as we don't harm others in the process of course. "I want a world of fantasy, and I want to be there to see it realized."
That's my impossible dream, but in an infinite universe and helped by an infinite lifespan, it may one day become a reality.
Now, okay, it's all nice and pretty, but that's in broad strokes. I need specifics! What do I want now? If I dared to live and dream, what'd I like to do next week?
"Also, I want to patch things up with Glory Girl." I won't hold it against her if she doesn't want to forgive me, but I want her to know that I'm aiming to do better. My desire is not completely selfless, though. "Admittedly, in no small part because I want to ask her for her anime collection." Those shows brought me so much joy and I want others to experience it too. "I want to show them to the drones. I want them to enjoy it, and I want to enjoy it alongside them as I did when I was a child. Like I never could with anyone else." If they enjoy it that's excellent, and if they don't, well, they have terrible tastes but I'll help them search for something that brings them those same emotions.
That is good. Nowhere near enough, but it's a start I'm satisfied with. One that, I believe, would make me happy.
Oh, yeah, there's one more thing.
"I guess this is the part where you tell me I should tell Taylor too, right?"
Lisa scowls as if she had just bitten something bitter. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she says with a raised palm. "That's a step neither of you is ready for, but I'll help you get there once the time is right." That help will be more than welcome. "What I want to know, though, is if you'd destroy that thing if I told you to do it?" She points at the Chrysalis.
The 'yes' almost escapes through my lips, guided by instinct and inertia, but I pause and hold it back. Would that make me happy? Of course not. It would be me, yet again, going along with the desires of others in the name of fleeing from confrontation.
But I still believe in this. I'm absolutely convinced that the destination I seek is the right one, it was just the path I had taken to reach it, the one that was wrong.
"I'd tell you to shove it," I tell her. "I'm still going ahead with this. I want immortality and this will be my next step." We'll also need as much power as we can if we're to survive the enemies that will come for us. "But I'll leave my mind alone," I add while hugging my head. "No more of that-- thing that I was trying to do earlier."
"You mean killing yourself?" Aisha offers.
My fingers curl and twist at her words. I didn't want to think about it that way. My self-inflicted amnesia was a way to sidestep it and think about it in a more justifiable way. But what is a human being if not a collection of thoughts and experiences? In the end, my 'self' would have ceased all the same.
"Yes, that," I confirm. "No more of that."
Lisa's eyes linger on me for a moment before she nods. "That's good enough for me. And in that case, I hope you don't mind us staying here keeping an eye on you."
I-- no, not really. I can still feel those treacherous thoughts swirling in the dark corners of my mind, and I fear that if I don't remain vigilant they'll get their claws back on me. Having a friend or two will help me keep those demons at bay.
"Sleepover!" Aisha cheers, clinging from Lisa's arm. "We can paint our nails, talk about boys, and make sure that Peter doesn't do the stupid. That's what friends are for, aren't they?"
"That, and help you hide bodies," I quickly add.
"See? You get me. And that's why I like you just as you are."
It's nice to be told that.
My decision made, I turn back to the Chrysalis with my tools in hand.
Raw conviction is not enough. I fear that in a moment of weakness I may alter the program, because of that I need a decisive solution. The alteration I make is minimal but quite irreparable. As it stands right now, this machine won't be capable of modifying my memories. Not without fully rebuilding it from the ground-up.
With that done, I take one last look at the girls.
This time I'm truly ready.
"I guess I'm going in now. Thank you for being here with me. It feels better that way."
"Don't get all mushy on us," Lisa replies with her hands at her waist. "Just do your thing."
That, I will do.
I take the first step.
"Wait!" Lisa's voice stops me, and when I look back at her I find her fidgeting with the edge of her shirt, almost as if she felt embarrassed for having stopped me. "Do you-- do you think that Reggie may be somewhere out there?"
Reggie. The brother whose death she feels partially responsible for. That guilt then became her trigger event.
"I don't know." That is, sadly, the only answer I can give her. "I don't even know if there's a way to know. But maybe he is. He may have ended in a fantasy world and already be on his way to forming a harem of elves." I'd personally prefer a harem of Gremlins, but who am I to judge?
My comment may not bring the comfort she seeks, but at least it does bring a weak smile to her face. That will have to do.
"That's not something he'd have been interested in." She then shakes her head. "Ignore that I said anything. It was a stupid question. Take care in there."
"I will," I tell her. "And again, thank you. Both of you. See you on the other side."
With nothing else to say, I walk inside this time more confident that I'm doing the right thing.
As the walls close around me, I find myself staring into my face reflected on the polished metal.
You know something, old me? You weren't that bad after all. I hope that you're ready for what's to come because it promises to be a wild ride.
[Loading… 98.9%]
[Loading… 99.0%]
[Loading… 99---&%Ç@@]
[ERROR]
[ERROR]
[ERROR]
[Foreign object detected. Purging---]
[Purging---]
[Purging impossible. Commencing assimilation]
[Assimilation successful. Resuming loading sequence]
[99.8%]
[99.9%]
[100.0%]
[Verifying integrity of system files. All files successfully validated. All systems nominal. Commencing booting sequence]
As if awakening from a long and deep slumber, consciousness returns to me and I open my eyes. Darkness surrounds me, with only a faint glimmer of light ahead of me.
That hopefully is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the LED lights of the workshop, which I'm looking at through the opening doors of the Chrysalis.
What time is it even?
The moment that question materialized in my mind, a window does the same in front of my eyes with a clock on display:
[07:30 AM]
That's one of the many small things that I'll have to get accustomed to now that my body is less flesh and bones and more nanobots.
As much of a good first signal that is, I need more to be absolutely sure that everything is fine.
I take my first step out of the Chrysalis--
Only to lose my footing and end with my face against the floor.
Ouch!
No, wait! Actually, that didn't hurt at all!
But why did that happen?
That should not have happened! This body has more gyroscopes than the entirety of freaking NASA!
Okay, let's not panic. My pride is well on its way to intensive care, but this could just be my body needing some time to recalibrate. Both my mass and weight distribution have been drastically altered, so that must be it.
"P--er!"
What was that sound?!
Damnit, my audio receptors also need calibration! And if the two pixelated blobs rushing towards me are anything to go by, so does my depth perception.
At least my radars, lidars, and seismic sensors are working like a charm, and that allows me to identify Lisa and Aisha standing some steps away from me. I just need to toy around with the brightness and contrast settings and--
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?!
It looks like a black mass of tendrils blocking my view.
Oh, false alarm, that's just my hair falling over my eyes.
Why is my hair this long?! The last time I checked it barely reached past my ears but now it's well past my nape!
Chill, chill, that's nothing to worry about. I'll just trim it down later. With the help of The Sword because it should be harder than steel now.
Pushing it aside-- there we go! Aisha and Lisa come into proper focus.
Why do they look so concerned?
"That--" Aisha starts. "Can't be right." She then grabs Lisa's arm in panic. "I think we made a terrible mistake!"
Oh, god, what?!
"We-- we need to call someone!" Lisa replies.
"Who? A tinker, a medic, or a freaking vet?!"
That's definitely not good! Stop worrying me so much, you two!
I need to stand up!
Why do I keep falling? I should be able to outrun a Ferrari, why am acting like a toddler?!
"Hey-" Aisha ventures, getting close to me. "Are you still Peter?"
My voice box, thankfully, is fully operational.
"Yes, I'm still freaking Peter!" I snap back at her. "I'm the same thirty-something nutjob from yesterday!" Wait a moment, something there didn't sound right. "Testing, testing-- is that my voice? Why does it sound like that?" It's so high-pitched. And squeaky.
I fear that something has, indeed, gone horribly wrong.
"Okay, good news!" Lisa announces. "That's still Peter. Bad news, well, everything else."
I don't need you to tell me that!
And why am I still on the floor?!
"Hey, girls, remember how yesterday we had a beautiful heart-to-heart about the importance of friendship and helping each other?" I honestly don't remember when was the last time I said something with this amount of sass. "Well, as you can see I have fallen and I can't get up."
I try once again, and once again my attempt ends in failure. Thankfully this time Aisha is there at my side to catch me, holding me by the--
WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?!
I feel like I'll mentally scream that a couple more times before this morning is over.
Pinky finger, thumb, index-- yes, I can control them. Those are my hands, but why are they so-- fluffy? And big? And why do they end in sharp--
Those are not hands, those are anthropomorphic paws.
How the heck am I supposed to use my tools like this?
Wait. Wait a damn moment!
Ohhhh, that's why I was having so many troubles walking! My feet also end in sharp paws!
Progress!
Okay, okay, let's not fall into desperation. What did Lisa tell me that normal people do under these circumstances?
Oh, yes. Accept the mistakes, learn from them, and improve on them.
And I built this body to survive a nuclear strike so I'll have ample time to do that.
So, let's start with step one.
I'm accepting, I'm accepting--
Is it done? Have I accepted my mistakes?
No idea but let's go with yes.
So step two it is. Learning from them!
Something went-- 'unexpected' inside the Chrysalis. Not only do I no longer look human, but I'm also just as tall as I was before. Not even taller than Aisha, to my great disappointment.
What the error was, I don't know, but I will find out and make something better out of this, so there's no reason to worry. Later I'll do an extensive and in-depth check-up, but for now, just knowing what I look like will have to do.
"Do we have a mirror over here?"
"Right there." Lisa points me to a wall across the room.
That is a long distance to cover.
"Want me to take you there?" Aisha offers but I turn her down. Having realized the new shape of my feet, I should be able to do this on my own.
One foot ahead, then another one in front of that one--
There it goes! I'm walking! My situation is already improving, and in no time I reach my destination: a mirror covered in a thick layer of steam. Probably a product of the Chrysalis opening.
Time for the moment of truth. I need to know what happened to me.
Pressing a hand (pawn?) against its cold surface, I slide it down to reveal the reflection underneath.
My back goes stiff, my breaths come in short bursts, and I stand there, perfectly still, staring at that face for what feels like hours.
[It has been 27 seconds]
Not now, systems!
I reach up to pinch my cheeks, trace the shape of my nose, flicker the tip of my ears.
This is, indeed, me.
And as I think about that, my lips curl into a smile.
I must say, I'm kind of adorable.
Look at my cute wolfish ears, look at my cute blood-red eyes, and look at my cute razor-sharp teeth that I'm fairly sure could chew through the side of an armored van with little effort.
Suck it, God Emperor of Mankind! This is how you manufacture humanity's next evolutionary step!
Even if it was a bit of an accident. A 'happy little accident', let's call it.
But seriously, what happened? Did I miscalculate the amount of 'werewolf' I put into the mixture?
It doesn't matter, though. I'm keeping this body.
"You know, I kind of like it this way," I'm proud to announce.
And about that weird voice--
Where is my--
It's no longer there.
Instead of that, I have a--
Oh, I see.
"I'm a girl now." So this is what that feels like.
My announcement triggers a burst of laughter out of Aisha and a groan of annoyance out of Lisa. Nothing like some levity to break the tension.
"What did you do this time?" The former villain asks, pinching the bridge of her nose.
"I'm not entirely sure," I reply with a shrug. "But I'm going to figure it out! Later. Eventually. First I have other things to figure out."
Like, why am I clothed?
Immediately after formulating that question, I realize how awful it sounds because two girls were waiting for me outside the Chrysalis, but it still stands.
Oh, this isn't actual fabric but a nanobot mesh that my body can produce and reshape at will. It must be the bit of Ananasi that I added mixed with the Scarab that my body absorbed.
Neat!
Sadly, further investigation gets interrupted by the sound of Tattletale pushing air out of her nose. "This is serious! Why are you now…" She interrupts herself, gesturing wildly at me with both hands as if trying to formulate the correct thing to say.
"If your next word is 'black'," Aisha tells her, "I'm going to kick your ass. Am I right, sis?" She then raises a hand at me waiting for a high-five.
Oh, what the heck? I oblige, even if the sound gets a bit muffled because of my cushioned pads.
And while we're chilling out over here, Lisa's turning an unhealthy shade of red. "You two know very damn well that's not the problem! How are you going to explain to Taylor and Danny what happened? And I'm not talking about the fact that Taylor now has a sister!"
Yes, she's right. This will be a bit of a shock.
But you know what? Screw it! This wasn't something that I planned for but that doesn't make the result any less valuable. If anything, it makes it even more special. It's unique and different. It's special!
I am special.
"We'll explain this to them with love and patience," I reply to her, feeling a burst of confidence that I didn't know I was capable of. "I'm not rushing things. First I'll tell Newt and Niah about this so they help me break the news. In the meantime, us three will think about a good strategy to--"
That's when I hear the sound of someone knocking at the workshop's door.
"It's open!" I yell out.
It takes me only I moment to understand why Lisa's looking at me as if she was contemplating the most painful way to murder me.
Curse you, reflex action!
"Hey, Tech-Priest, are you here?" Missy's voice comes from the entrance. "Dragon told me that--" She steps inside only to come to an abrupt stop when she sees us. Lisa and Aisha without their masks and, well, me. The resident werewolf girl.
"Hi, Vista!" I greet her. "I swear that there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this." And to emphasize that point, I offer her my brightest winning smile.
A smile that puts on display the rows of sharp teeth.
Yeah, this isn't going to end well, is it?
Missy's eyes widen, her lips crook, and she turns her head back while she screams: "Master-Stranger!"
I do have to give it to the PRT officers, their reaction time is impeccable. It only takes a couple of heartbeats between Missy's alarm and the arrival of a team armed with containment foam dispensers.
Time slows down to an almost standstill as my combat protocols kick into action, ready to defend me against the unexpected aggression.
It'd be hilariously easy to defeat these mortals in my current state.
Moving faster than human eyes could follow I could tear their weapons into scrap metal in the time it takes them to blink. Or, in that same timeframe, I could flash-fabricate an array of defensive lasers across my body that could cut them into ribbons.
The containment foam dispensers, not the officers.
But no.
Doing any of that would escalate the situation to unacceptable levels, making everything more difficult in the long run.
Because of that, I decide to do nothing and just wait patiently while the foam solidifies around us.
Yup, this is going to be one of those days.
But you know what? I can't bring myself to worry about it. Right now I feel optimistic about it all, and the happiest I've been in a long time.
It may be the hormonal imbalance messing my head up.
…
