fictionfan
Please sir, may I have some Meows?
- Location
- Tempe, AZ
I liked the update. It was much better once I read the invo text.
With This Ring (Young Justice SI) (Thread Twelve)
- Thread starter Mr Zoat
- Start date
- Status
Ganurath
Literal Enthusiast
- Location
- A Valid Location
- Pronouns
- He/Him
X+Y > X when Y > 0. Therefore, X+Y > (X+Y)-Y. Let's treat X as your maximum manliness capacity, and Y as your excess manliness. Going down from more manly than your body can handle to the most manly your body can handle is still becoming less manly, unless you're admitting that you're less manly than you could be... the result is clear. The fluid coming from your eyes is making you less manly; the math says so.
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- Location
- Courthouse
Not quite sure but should it be "into"? Not seen it written as "in to you" before.
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- Location
- Canada
It's not because some people just want to watch the world burn that you should give them fuel. Yes, even if you're among said people
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- Location
- Oblivion
Andoriol did it better then I probably could.
That said I personally would suggest toning down Lynne's adoration a bit, it just has a skeevy mind rapey feel to it given he basically forced those feelings onto her.
What can I say? I want to watch the world burn. Or at least those parts of it where I'm not keeping my stuff.
Also, either she'll be made more of a sympathetic character, or she'll get her comeuppance. Or we'll be a tad disappointed.
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- Location
- Australia
This. This right here is why Mr Zoat is the best. It's all the little human characterizations.
daimahou
Hear... Feel... Think...
- Location
- 「 」
closing quotation mark missing
sugar?
or is it sügér?
- Location
- Earth
On the one hand, it's very considerate that you respond to your reader's feedback.
On the other hand, the opinion most people seemed to have had on Fire was 'we find this character rather distasteful', with a handful of people coming to the character's defense in a half hearted manner where the criticisms were severely negative.
I didn't respond to the question of whether there should be an additional snippet with Fire because I believed I'd made my opinion already known. Also, I didn't think you were being entirely serious with the question. Well, it could have just been trolling from the start.
Here's hoping the potential snippet with Fire mostly covers other more interesting/relevant characters/plot instead.
And an inventive chapter. The adoption is quite surprising, but hardly implausible when you consider that souls were involved.
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Shadowofdeath
DUKE OF DEATH
- Location
- North Las Vegas Nevada
I still made the list of things to do involving ace
- Location
- Hampden Park
Thank you, corrected.
- Location
- Hampden Park
You think?
This does not help at all.
It stays. I don't write 'he said', I don't write 'she exclaimed' and I don't write 'I interrupted'. It's unnaturally disruptive to the flow of the dialogue. If you think it's appropirate to some circumstances and not others you're going to have to tell me what they are. If you think you've got a better way of showing an interruption
and that isn't it, then I'll consider it.
You mean like where I describe exactly what Grayven and Lynne were doing while they were the focus? At that point Grayven isn't paying much attention to his environment.
Most of his emotional response is going to be shown in the next Renegade section, once he's had a chance to think about things a little. I appreciate that it doesn't help with this one, but I can't put everything in all at once and he hasn't had time here to do much more than instinctive responses.
I've made a small addition to give a little more idea of what he's thinking.
He was quite literally the first person to show any concern for her in about six years. Half her life in institutions where they experimented on her. What he did certainly had a strong effect, his rationalisation back in the episode where they met that it was far better than the alternatives. Why should I let him cheat out of the associated negative effects?
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Queshire
Wants a pink flamingo for their lawn.
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Oh wow! I never noticed that before. Huh, I might have to steal that for my own writing though maybe in a more limited form...
- Location
- Oblivion
And nobody else showed any concern for her since?
How is this a negative side effect for him?
Is she a Yandere who is going to try to kill any other woman who tries to get close to him?
Does her presence or lack there of negatively effect "Grayven" in some manner due to what he did?
I mean to be a negative at all it would have to be pretty devastating to counter the "Eternally loyal future reality warping minion!" part of her showing up.
- Location
- Florida, United States
I'm sorry that not every word of my response is useful criticism? Come on Zoat, give me a bit of a break here. I'm trying to be helpful.
Also, part of the issue is that I'm struggling to pin down exactly what aspects of it are not helpful / detrimental and to offer suggestions that fits with your writing style.
In this case and with your writing style I'd say something like Grayven being frustrated by them interrupting him or noting that he can't let them keep up this silliness by cutting them off.
In this case it's a matter of scale I think. Really, I struggle to put a finger on exactly what bugs me about the section and so I'm struggling to offer suggestions.
A reminder of what she looks like wouldn't be out of place, but the issue is that of course Grayven knows what she looks like and wouldn't really note that (unless she was wearing something outlandish / silly / out of place) and even then that's far from his focus.
Fair enough, but while it does come across I definitely feel like it's not enough. But I'm not sure what to do to improve it without bogging down the pace of the update.
If you mean this bit:
Then it's definitely better, though I'd definitely start it with "This is..." instead of just "This..." to improve the meter of the sentence. I also feel like there should be a mental frustration 'noise' like 'tch' or 'ugh' or such in there, but that's a stylistic thing more than anything else.
- Location
- 'Murica
This should probably be "Barda 50's."
Unless she has issues with the fifties for some reason.
Simmr001
Aquaman 2018 Fan Club President. I prefer Bob.
- Location
- Crawley, West Sussex
- Pronouns
- he/him
unless there is a generic new god power to become a building, you missed a word.
why wouldn't she? she didn't exist back then
Huh, when you point it out you never do write dialogue in that way (or I jUST never noticed, but still). I don't know if it's because I've followed this story for quite a while now or it's because of how you write it, but even without the he said, she said, the character dialogue's still stand out from one another. The fact that I can still follow who's talking without it being pointed out is pretty cool and props to you because you were able to establish how unique each character is in a conversation.
The Bushranger
In the Danger Zone
- Location
- TSAB Asura
...y'know, I can suddenly hear him as Cam Mitchell...
I...actually think the update was fine. Maybe he could have thought about the whole daughter thing more, but I dont think its necessary. Maybe Zoat could have cut out some of the dialogue but most of that is required, hell did you not just say to much dialogue but you want him to talk or think about his daughter for another half chapter?
I like how a public family depute improved Grayven's public imagine, that beneath his odd appearance and superpowers he still has regular problems like "normal folk".
QUESTION: Is Grayven's skin just stone-colored or is it also stone-textured?
Because it's only a matter of time before someone looks at Grayven's daughter and says "I don't see the resemblance..."
Mitchell: "Your daughter is a sweetheart."
Grayven: (lying) "I'm just glad she takes after her mother in both looks and temperament."
Mitchell: "Ahhh..."
Especially when you're raising a TELEPATHIC New God, who might not have full control over her growing gifts JeanGrey-style.
The soul imprint might mean Grayven's presence will stabilize her telepathic powers until she learns better control. The closest parallel I can think of is from "Tales of the Questor" where young Rac-Cona-Daimh awaken their magic and need a trusted individual to protect them when they sleep to literately 'chase away the nightmares'.
Ah the glorious joys of consequence.
…hope they told Kara that the Grayven hitting on her wasn't local. It could lead to significant… awkwardness… if they don't.
I look forward to seeing how Jade reacts.
So where does Lynne stand on the Human – Awakened – New God scale?
- Status