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With This Ring (Young Justice SI) (Thread Twelve)

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iamnuff said:
The problem isn't that he's slower than the bullshit he can do in the comics. that's to be expected. The problem is that he gets noticeably slower (dropping to maybe 0.1% of his normal speed) than he was ten seconds ago, for no reason.

If this was a superman show instead of a Flash show, the equivalent would be Superman casually juggling cars in one scene, then five minutes later he's wrestling with lex luthor and losing, with no explanation.

You don't need to use the strongest possible version of X character, but for gods sake be consistent.
If Barry is casually wading through an building full of battle-hardened ninja and taking them all out before any of them can react to his presence, then don't show him moving slow enough that some rando-jackass with a raygun or a boomerang can follow his movements.
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Demoralising?
make the enemy think they are winning, bring their hopes up, only for them to go "nope, i was just playing around, you are screwed"
 
Well that was different. I wonder how Jade will react to having an adopted daughter of sorts. That might put a wedge between her and Grayven's relationship. Where is Jade though?

Also, I cannot help but hear this guy's voice whenever I read about Grayven.
 
Mr Zoat said:
Lynne Wayland steps out of the portal, sees me- "Grayven!" -and scurries in my direction, a huge smile on her face. I kneel down as she reaches me so that she can throw her arms around my neck. Why is..? Why did they..?

Scott's looking down on me. "You imprinted your soul on her, Grayven. I don't know what you were thinking, just leaving-."

"I was thinking 'I'm a supervillain'! You'd have a much better chance of giving her a normal life-."

"I don't want a normal life." Lynne pulls away slightly, looking up into my face. "I want you." "Being here feels right."

Well sssssssuger. It feels right to me too. I can feel my aura harmonising with hers, like a part of me that was missing is suddenly returned. I hadn't realised…

"Lynne… I…" What the heck do I say? "I'm…" I shake my head. "I'm not a very nice man. I'm violent, my life is violent. This isn't a safe place for you-."

"And back home was? Grayven, I killed my parents. I turned off their minds without even realising…" She looks away for a moment. "And then I… I got given to SHADE and they put me in a room with the Anti Life. You're.. the only thing that makes me feel truly safe. Please, don't.. send me away?"

…

I stand, lifting her up as I do so. "Very well then… Daughter." She leans into my side, hugging my shoulder as I turn to Scott. "Scott. Do you have any other business here?"

"No. We'll be.. headed back now."

"Alright. Wink lasciviously at Kara for me." But my heart's not really in it. He and Barda turn away to walk through the boom tube. "Thank you. For bringing Lynne here."
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Okay, so, this is the key part of the update and it's... lackluster.

Like, surprisingly so, you're usually better at this Zoat. The diction feels weird, as does the grammar choice of using "word-." to indicate someone getting cut off. It doesn't work out well in this case at all. Maybe a mention of them being interruptions, mentions of the body language of the people involved, more exposition in general really. Less dialogue and more exposition, you're nearly running into a talking heads situation here. All words, no context. And colored text only gets you so far.

And this is all... clunky for lack of better words.

He just up and out calls her 'Daughter' like that without seriously thinking about doing so? Or acknowledging that he did after the fact? No repeated words, just pauses from a very emotional child / teen? No real acknowledgement of her age / the size disparity / none of that in this update, a decent amount of time after the fact? It's all... clunky and feels out of left field. Even if it's significantly less so in a straight read through without a day between each update, this is still very eh, no matter how happy I am about the actual narrative direction.
 
Mr Zoat said:
I wince as I push myself up into a sitting position. "Okay, people need to stop hitting me in the face now. Ow." I blink as my sister in law strides across the car park in my direction, fists clenched. "Barda? What the hell was that about?"
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I thought he was better, so why is he still calling them his brother and sister-in-law in his own head?

"I don't want a normal life." Lynne pulls away slightly, looking up into my face. "I want you." "Being here feels right."

Well sssssssuger. It feels right to me too. I can feel my aura harmonising with hers, like a part of me that was missing is suddenly returned. I hadn't realised…

"Lynne… I…" What the heck do I say? "I'm…" I shake my head. "I'm not a very nice man. I'm violent, my life is violent. This isn't a safe place for you-."

"And back home was? Grayven, I killed my parents. I turned off their minds without even realising…" She looks away for a moment. "And then I… I got given to SHADE and they put me in a room with the Anti Life. You're.. the only thing that makes me feel truly safe. Please, don't.. send me away?"
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Okay...

That's all kinds of creepy, he needs to fix her fast before the brainwashing is irreversible.
 
Mr Zoat said:
I would tell you that they are their home in Hartford, Connecticut.
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Called it.
Mr Zoat said:
Lynne Wayland steps out of the portal, sees me- "Grayven!" -and scurries in my direction, a huge smile on her face. I kneel down as she reaches me so that she can throw her arms around my neck. Why is..? Why did they..?
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Mr Zoat said:
I stand, lifting her up as I do so. "Very well then… Daughter." She leans into my side, hugging my shoulder as I turn to Scott. "Scott. Do you have any other business here?"
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This though I didn't see coming.
Hey there Ace; lovely to see you again.:)

It really is kinda flattering, in a backhanded sorta way, that E50 Barda agreed to come to see him unarmed.
And furthermore attacked him barehanded with the assurance that he wouldn't escalate or take advantage.
A backhanded admission of trust.

Though I fully expect that E50 Scott and Barda are just going to boomtube sideways, and then go pay their E16 counterparts a visit to give them a headsup, so that they can keep an eye on both RenPaul and Ace.
Trust but verify, after all, and after their experience with E50 Superman and WW, I don't see them approaching the Justice League here.
 
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For those who have previously requested it, the Godspeech in the snippet in grey:

Mr Zoat said:
I wince as I push myself up into a sitting position. "Okay, people need to stop hitting me in the face now. Ow." I blink as my sister in law strides across the car park in my direction, fists clenched. "Barda? What the hell was that about?" Drones, activate. Low lethality pattern.
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Mr Zoat said:
"I don't want a normal life." Lynne pulls away slightly, looking up into my face. "I want you." "Being here feels right."

Well sssssssuger. It feels right to me too. I can feel my aura harmonising with hers, like a part of me that was missing is suddenly returned. I hadn't realised…
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That was, overall, a pretty good update. In terms of plot it advanced things on the Renegade side nicely, the interactions were all (conceptually) excellent, and it ended on a bit of a funny joke. We even got a funny bit about Canon!Grayven's stupid mullet! Nice. About the only negative bit was that the whole daughter thing did feel a bit clunky as has been said, but given the demands of the medium and the story as it is being told that's a fairly minor issue to me.

Good times!
 
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