Excuse me whilst I go into yonder screaming closet and make gleeful noises of great happiness.
Taylor had to excuse herself and go back to the office to refill the water kettle, as well as raid her stash of commercial teas.
And breathe heavily into a paper bag.
The relative privacy of the office also gave her a moment to catch her breath and think uncharitable thoughts about her guests without being seen.
She also took a moment to scream into a pillow. ...and then a second moment. ...and then a third, just for good measure.
'Hi dad, sorry I'm late getting home, I was having a tea party slash old western stand-off with Lung and it ran kinda long.'
Yeah, I could see the other side of that conversation easily:
"Oh, that's okay, Taylor. Just call next time. Me? Oh, I haven't been doing anything impor-OW! OW! Director Piggot, please stop hitting me with that rolled up newspaper! I was going to tell her! I was! Just... when the time was right! OW! OW OW OW ALL RIGHT, JUST STOP!"
There was a certain strange tranquility in watching everything around you go to hell.
You have learned a great truth, my child. *claps hands* Thus, wisdom is gained.
"You didn't happen to see Skidmark or any of the Merchants on your way here, did you?"
"No, I can't say I did… why?"
"Just checking."
"I did see the Butcher, though."
"Of course. Of course. Well, that might be a problem. I'm pretty sure she's a coffee person and I don't have any."
"That's your only concer-"
"TEA TIME IS COURTESY TIME."
after a quick comparison Taylor noted a few inches' discrepancy between Purity's distance from Battery as opposed to her distance from Lung.
Yes, Battery is a pretty lady. Later, Assault will be sleeping on the couch after making one too many jokes involve words that rhyme with 'we some'. (For the record, 'one too many' means ANY.)
Taylor couldn't say she blamed Purity at all.
YES.
YES! 26 chapters and I finally have an excuse to pull out The Chart!
WHOO-HOOO!
"They?" Armsmaster was quick to note the choice of words.
Well, that's one way to announce your departure from the white supremacists. Next, start dating this nice fellow you met at a single parent's support group....
Also, as I've said, I'm not a parahuman, so it would be a poor fit regardless.
No, no. That would be your... projectio*coff* DOG. Just your dog. That's all.
Taylor debated for less than half a second if she really wanted to know what Sunny was doing over there.
The answer is, of course, "No, for the sake of my own sanity."
"Would accepting that count as graft?" Purity wondered aloud, drawing the attention of both sides over to her.
Surprisingly, it was Assault who answered, shaking his head. "Nah. Two reasons, one being that the capture bonuses are publicly known, and offered through the PRT rather than the Protectorate directly, so it's not a shady dealing from the heroes. Second, it's only bribery or graft if it's given for something that's been asked for. Neither the Protectorate nor the PRT asked Brushstroke or Good Dog to take any action against the E88."
"All of this is laid out in this handy booklet:
"It's Actually Okay: 101 Things That Aren't TECHNICALLY Illegal (A guide to the funner side of life)" by Madcap Assault. You can have this copy. I've autographed it!"
Sunny was several yards away yet, the wolf crawling on her belly and keeping her head as low to the ground as possible. While Assault spoke she shuffled a bit closer, letting the hero's words mask the sound of her approach. After a steadying breath Taylor smoothed her expression and instead looked at the unopened bottle of sake, sitting on the mat.
Is... is Sunny attempting to get close enough to steal back her sake? Is that what she's doing right now?
Maybe sake could be mixed into tea? Even if not the attempt might have to be made.
Bad dog! Bad, irresponsible dog! No being a bad role model for your miko and turning her into an alcoholic! Miss Militia will be most wroth with you! HER POWER CAN MAKE ROLLED UP NEWSPAPERS, DON'T MAKE HER COME OVER THERE.
The ABB leader reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded bundle of papers, because even a trapper keeper would be too professional.
Taylor's continued aggravation with Lung's REFUSAL to be proper still amuses the shit out of me.
Sunny crawled closer and carefully-- carefully!-- laid her head down on Armsmaster's thigh. The Tinker absently started petting her head.
...oh. It's not the sake. I... excuse me. I'm going to be over here, in this soundproof closet. NOT laughing until I make myself sick.
Taylor kept her eyes on Lung.
(And began to mentally calculate how much sake she'd need to drink to wipe this entire afternoon from her memory.)
"Doubtful," Purity interrupted. "His gang has cratered the property values around here, he probably got them for a steal. Lung, you know she's just a teenager so I hope you paid off the back taxes and put some into escrow, because there's no way she could pay them herself." Heads turned her way, and she scowled through her light. "What? I've worked real estate."
*narrows eyes* I have absolutely no basis for this beyond my own fevered imagination, but suddenly I feel like the Shrine just obtained a new book keeper.
Lung looked absolutely affronted at the accusation, though Taylor privately thought it was a pretty good one. "Of course. You take me for a fool?"
Beneath the table, Lung frantically scrambled in his pocket for something to write that down with so he could figure out a way to backdate the paperwork properly....
"I take you for a brute," Purity said.
*narrows eyes* Is the Shrine's new book keeper flirting with its bouncer? Reality says 'no', but
*I* say yes yes yes! Team "Radiant Dragon" is a go!
Assault noticed her eyes popping and looked over as well, the poor man accidentally swallowing tea down the wrong way.
Assault has just realized he could have spent CENTURIES of bribes, blackmail, and favors for this assignment and STILL come out the winner.
Armsmaster 'hmmed' to himself, holding his teacup with one hand and rubbing Sunny's ears with the other.
I'm almost sad that Armsmaster's about to short out his armor with the spit take in his near future.
"It probably isn't, but since you're also running a place of prayer, definitely get a lawyer because the IRS is going to notice."
Yeah, THAT audit should be fun.
"And this bill for sake? That's... quite a large amount."
"My dog is an alcoholic. If you'll check the next receipt, you'll see it's for when I had to check her into rehab."
"I... see. Tell me: Would you happen to have any of that sake left? I suddenly have an intense need for it."
"Though, that does segue into something I wanted to address," Armsmaster continued. "We'll leave you some pamphlets on Rogue cape laws, but you should be aware of a few basic rules first."
Behold! Armsmaster NOT being a total dickbag! The almighty power of petting Sunny is not to be denied or underestimated!
At the other end of the mat, Taylor saw Purity lean in towards Battery and whisper something. The heroine put up a finger to shush her, and continued watching Armsmaster
"Should we tell him?"
"No, no. I want to beat the spread."
"In particular, there was a report of Good Dog compelling a law enforcement officer to stop and pet her."
"No one in particular. Just a generic law enforcement officer. It wasn't me. It was someone named MastArmser. Who isn't me. Stop looking at me like that."
Poor Purity sounded like she'd caught Assault's asthma.
It's that fall pollen, man. Just... terrible on the lungs.
"You're petting her right now."
For this chapter, the part of Taylor will be played by Adrian Veidt.
Armsmaster's hand stopped. He glanced down to his right. Sunny, head on his lap, looked up at him and started thwapping her tail on the ground in a wag.
*wild, hopeless laughter*
Ama-no-Oshiho-mimi? Where?!
Taylor looked through the documents Lung had given her while Purity hovered over her shoulder and pointed out places to sign now, and ones to sign later,
...yup. Shrine has a new book keeper.
Sunny sat near her, positively radiant from the attention.
What you did there. I saw it.
Most of the street now officially belonged to Brushstroke and Good Dog, or would as soon as Lung's check's cleared.
Do... do you think he signs it Lung? Or just singes it a bit and they know it's him?
another WOOOOOO~! heralded Sunny's return, as the canine shot out of the ground on top of a geyser.
...no. No, I refuse to believe. No. No no no. She didn't. She didn't and I refuse to believe she did excuse me I need to go to the Shrieking Closet with this bottle of cheap gin.
She heard Lung making a choking noise beside her, as the 'cratered' property values of the ABB territories steadily clicked upwards.
That fall pollen is a NIGHTMARE, man!
"Sunny, did you wipe out the Empire, dig a hundred miles or so of tunnels, and then manipulate Lung into buying up the street… SO YOU COULD OWN A HOT SPRING?!"
In her defense... hot springs ARE pretty awesome.
There was a moment of silence, as Taylor processed this and everyone else quietly mourned the death of rationality.
Taylor, meanwhile, had already mourned rationality's death, made a nice shrine for it, put it up, and regularly visits it.
Lung had already turned around and taken three steps before she could finish. "Yes."
I like to believe every single adult there said that, it's just that Lung was the loudest... because Sunny just raised his property values astronomically. How's that debt owed to debt repayed ledger looking NOW, "dragon" man?! You'd better swim like a sonuvabitch, carp boy! You're gonna make it through that gate if Sunny has to drag you there one inch at a time! You're gonna EARN THAT TITLE.
Sunny YES. Sunny GO.
