A Little Vice (Trans Magical Girl fic)

Voted best in category in the Users' Choice awards.
"Envy is when you know what you want is impossible. And once you realize that, you can't just seal your wanting away!"

"I'm no one," it sounded so melodramatic to finally say it after so many weeks of dancing around the point, "I'm nothing, just deception after deception, stacked on top of itself until I almost look like a real person!"

"It's not fair!" Inessa cut me off. "You're so kind to everyone else, why do you always get to be mean to yourself? If this was anyone else you'd tell them to try! That even if they couldn't be exactly the person they dreamt of, they could still become someone great!"

"It would be nice," I admitted. Speaking was hard. My wings had already begun to dissolve into miasma. My seed hated every word. "It would be nice to be that person. To… let myself try, let people help, even if I couldn't ever believe I could be what I wanted to be."

"But I'm weak" I glared at her. "And I couldn't just go back to wanting, not if it means pretending it's not impossible, not if it means that I have to risk being him again!"

...so I don't have the capacity for putting it into words, but something about these lines, both alone and in conversation with each other, hits very hard. My compliments to the author, for accurately and powerfully conveying the emotions behind these sentences.

I'm a little less thrilled to be inheriting these emotions, to be clear, but it's not like anybody expected me to get illegally downloaded in the first place so eh. I'll live, probably.


On a largely unrelated topic, there should likely be a period in that last quote immediately after "weak".
 
I know it's not over yet but I want to state that this has been the most interesting and compelling 'Sure, that looks interesting, why not give it a try?' story I've discovered in a very long time - a few years, at least. I read a lot of fiction, so I know just how precious it is when I find myself invited in and simultaneously driven to analyse the work in front of me - layer after layer of juicy storycraft to unravel and sink my teeth into (and the serendipitous way I discovered the story only enhanced the feeling).

Shadell, beta readers, and anyone else involved in the story, I hope the story delights you at least as much as it has me. So in light of that, I just went and proudly voted in all three categories (not like I forgot said voting was a thing, not me whistles). It's well earned and well deserved.
 
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Gosh, every time a new story update comes I am flabbergasted by how tense it has me, how tightly I grip my mouse as I scroll down the page. Not only is the story still fantastic and clearly well-planned, but one can definitely feel that Shadell, as an author, has grown over the course of it. What a fantastic story.
 
Well written, but also fuck you so much. I'm not going to really read this for the foreseeable future. Far too bitter.
I don't care for long long it might last, having to read about someone being torn back into their original body like that, regardless of the reasons, isn't something I can stand.
 
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This was a delight to wake up to this morning. Something I just realized is that the Envy seed pretty much sowed the seeds of its own defeat. Because the person C envys the most is Inessa, who notably broke out of a depressive funk similar to the one C is currently in and became Castitas, the seed could also be seen as encouraging that in C through encouraging them to be similar.
Also, I am very excited to see C as a saint in the next chapter.
 
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Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm Inessa Brandt,"


I love how again and again, this comes back to self identity and self determination, and just that simple act of kindness shines through.

God Chiro, you are so TERRIBLE at being evil. Holy shit.
Gotta remember that Chiro is still operating on magical girl show trope mode rather than actually planning things out to succeed. Even in the fight itself, she tries to pull a heroic sacrifice to save Avarita/Lupin by forcing Supremia's hand. She doesn't actually want the Abyssal Forest to win, she just can't figure out how to make the catch 22 of both being a magical girl/dark magical girl but also keeping her friends safe. The self care is of course lacking, but her envisioned self sacrifice keeps everyone else from harm. And then of course Inessa has the gall to not actually kill Chiro, so she's forced to confront things.

If she was even 1/10th as evil as she keeps pretending, then as you imply, she'd just kidnap Inessa in her sleep, but as she acknowledged in this chapter, Invidia is just another mask.
 
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The plan I was offering was awful. I would never have suggested it if Superbia hadn't taken Avaritia. And yet, a selfish dark part of me needed to settle things with Inessa. I'd beaten her, but then she'd beaten me. I couldn't tolerate letting it stand as a draw. No, I'd smile and agree to Superbia's conditions and then face Inessa fair and square with everything I could bring to muster.
Sometimes, the only thing you can do is to duke it out.
It was easy to lure her out. She'd said she wanted to fight—for once it turned out we were actually on the same page—and I knew where she lived. It was easy enough to slide a letter under her door in the middle of the night.
You should have just slipped it into her shoe locker.
But that wouldn't be fair to Avaritia, and if I did successfully capture Inessa, it was probably better to do it on a Friday, so she wouldn't miss school if she converted or broke out.
Maybe you should be more worried about the "converting by an evil bastard" part of that.
Perhaps I should have transformed. But I wasn't going to be able to go back after this. One way or another, Chiro's time had come to an end without accomplishing anything of note.
You're the only one who believes that.
For all I'd been raised never to use them, excuses always seemed natural on my lips.
...
...
...
...You don't say.
I lifted off the ground to build a little height, then dove for her. Even now she dared to think we could go back, that we could let all our feelings out then return to the old status quo, like all this was just another monster of the week.
Or maybe she just wants you to talk so that you could start again from a new page.
"But that wouldn't be fair to you, or to anyone who's gotten hurt, would it?" She shook her head. "That's why, we should accept everything and go forward instead!" That was objectively nonsense. It didn't mean anything at all. And yet, Inessa acted like this was some divine revelation. "I'll stop looking up to the image of you I built up in my head all this time, and you can stop doing the same for me and we can finally talk to each other."

Castitas envied me? No, I shook my head. Her soul did not sing to me with any depth. At least it hadn't since I'd learned to listen to them. At most, she aspired to be like the person she'd thought C was. It was a strange revelation nonetheless.
You should listen to her.
"Hi, it's nice to meet you. I'm Inessa Brandt," she punctuated her words with another arrow of fire, aimed squarely at my throat.
This, I love this.
"Then that means you can become anyone you want to be!" Inessa smiled brightly at me, still refusing to accept the obvious.

"It's not fair!" Inessa cut me off. "You're so kind to everyone else, why do you always get to be mean to yourself? If this was anyone else you'd tell them to try! That even if they couldn't be exactly the person they dreamt of, they could still become someone great!"
Inessa used Armor Piercing Question!
I expected the flames to hurt. Instead, after the initial harsh impact set me tumbling back, they surrounded me with a gentle warmth. I waited for the end. And yet, the sensation lingered, a crushingly kind human sensation, little different from from an embrace.

Slowly, I opened my eyes.

Inessa Brandt had wrapped her arms around me, Castitas' uniform giving way to her mundane clothing.

He raised a hand and bindings of light snapped into existence around Castitas, pulling her away from me. Perhaps, if we'd been fresh, we could have stood together and fought. We wouldn't have won, but we might have been able to run away, to gather ourselves together and free Avaritia.

Invidia could have tried those things. But I wasn't her anymore. My seed refused to answer my calls.

Once again, I was useless.

It was tempting to sick back into the same old self-hatred, to give up once more and admit how pathetic I was. Perhaps that would even have appeased my seed enough to do anything besides nod and pretend this was what I'd intended. I wanted to give up.

I'd promised I wouldn't.
C may have suffered from level drain and lost her prestige class, but she finally gained the trait Self-Aware. Now is the time for her to turn her ship around fix her mess. Just like Inessa said she could.
 
To bring myself to comment, C's inevitable magical girl transformation better also come with magic complete transition or it's strictly worse than Envy, even with all the downsides that has. Because yeah no if the evil faction can poof a new body the good faction sure as hell should be able to do the same. To lose one's ideal body, to be forced back into the horrific shell of before, and then in gaining magic powers based around virtues, be forced to use a slow, painful, mundane process that cannot attain the same level of completeness—that would be a fucking slap in the face. An absolute affront. If I had to choose between giving up my ideal body and not harming people, returning to the disgusting self of before, I'd choose death. Infinitely better than having known what could have been and being ripped away from it.
 
I think that looking at this in the context of how the seeds operate you get something really interesting. Because in some respects the Seeds clearly do want to give you what you want, they at heart aren't trying to be malevolent to their wielder, but they can only do it within a particular framework that doesn't really work, because it isn't the framework that people actually operate in. Peopel's motivations are not easily catalogued into some fit category that they can be slotted into, at least not consistently so. For a less charged example for a moment, one could take Avaritia. Could you argue that ey are greedy? In some ways, sure. At its core I think you can indeed tie altruistic motivations back to a selfish core if you really have that strong a desire to; like the way ey are trying to help Chiro is probably not unrelated to a desire to keep her around because ey want to be in her presence and don't want to be alone anymore, irrespective of platonic or romantic feelings they have. However, to claim that as the whole motivation would also be deeply silly.

Given how ey feel the need to carefully essentially play elaborate motivation games in order to avoid triggering their sin in order to do altruistic things for other people, it's pretty clear that it doesn't actually, like, work for em? At the very least it isn't really a healthy mindset because it basically reinforces their feelings being based on a core that I would argue doesn't apply.

Under the same logic, Chiro's body is fundamentallty born from a belief that her issue is being envious of Inessa. Which, like, on some level is true? Like that is an element of Chiro's emotions and it's valid to read it that way. Simultaneously, though, looking at it as solely the product of Envy is completely missing what Chiro's problem actually is, and thereby in many ways honestly just justifying her own matryr complex and hatred of herself because it is in many ways just a way for her to think of herself as a bad person.

The goal should be a body that you feel comfortable in, and I'm unsure Cihro can ever feel fully comfortable with the body she has, because it was born of her not even understanding what at heart she even actually wanted or felt.
 
Shadell continues to capture that feeling of utter helplessness, as though no one can ever help you so its pointless to even try, incredibly well. Watching all of Chiro's justifications crumbling one after another was cathartic as hell
 
I think that looking at this in the context of how the seeds operate you get something really interesting. Because in some respects the Seeds clearly do want to give you what you want, they at heart aren't trying to be malevolent to their wielder, but they can only do it within a particular framework that doesn't really work, because it isn't the framework that people actually operate in. Peopel's motivations are not easily catalogued into some fit category that they can be slotted into, at least not consistently so. For a less charged example for a moment, one could take Avaritia. Could you argue that ey are greedy? In some ways, sure. At its core I think you can indeed tie altruistic motivations back to a selfish core if you really have that strong a desire to; like the way ey are trying to help Chiro is probably not unrelated to a desire to keep her around because ey want to be in her presence and don't want to be alone anymore, irrespective of platonic or romantic feelings they have. However, to claim that as the whole motivation would also be deeply silly.

Given how ey feel the need to carefully essentially play elaborate motivation games in order to avoid triggering their sin in order to do altruistic things for other people, it's pretty clear that it doesn't actually, like, work for em? At the very least it isn't really a healthy mindset because it basically reinforces their feelings being based on a core that I would argue doesn't apply.

Under the same logic, Chiro's body is fundamentallty born from a belief that her issue is being envious of Inessa. Which, like, on some level is true? Like that is an element of Chiro's emotions and it's valid to read it that way. Simultaneously, though, looking at it as solely the product of Envy is completely missing what Chiro's problem actually is, and thereby in many ways honestly just justifying her own matryr complex and hatred of herself because it is in many ways just a way for her to think of herself as a bad person.

The goal should be a body that you feel comfortable in, and I'm unsure Cihro can ever feel fully comfortable with the body she has, because it was born of her not even understanding what at heart she even actually wanted or felt.
The protagonist's (hopefully next chapter we get a name to call her that's not inaccurate in some way or another) whole everything is a comorbid self-perpetuating cycle of gender dysphoria, self-loathing, and impostor syndrome.

"I hate myself because I'm not a woman" -> "I hate myself so I don't deserve to be happy" -> "the idea of being a woman makes me happy, and I don't deserve that" ->

With dozens of other traumas feeding into that cycle and accelerating it, from her abusive father to her literally absent mother to her constant subjection to physical violence from monsters. Envy is a huge part of how she copes with all this, since she sees Inessa as an impossible aspiration of someone who loves herself, knows exactly who she is, and is a woman, but it's not the root (as it were) of the problem, and simply indulging in Envy could never actually give her what she wanted, a paradox she already noted like two or three chapters ago. This chapter was excellent, godly, inspiring in the way Inessa got her to start untangling those root issues instead of making excuses why she couldn't and that's why I fucking love anime.
 
Gotta remember that Chiro is still operating on magical girl show trope mode rather than actually planning things out to succeed.

The shadows grow long, then finally vanish as the sun retreats. Starlight cannot illuminate the lonely study, so a scented candle is lit, sitting upon dusty, unread biographies of Clausewitz and Caesar. They rest upon a desk with uneven legs, steadied by the Art of War slipped underneath one foot.

The dark visage of a brooding Chiro is briefly illuminated by lightning, and thunder soon follows, as she stares down upon the result and the source of all her wisdom, the Magical Girl Moodboard. Her eyes drift to the bottom-right hand corner, where a harried heroine stares up into pounding rain, the most despondent of all her fanart.

"So it's come to this."
 
And the Envy seed didn't even want her to keep the Inessa body. It wanted her to keep grabbing traits from other people. The seeds are clearly about misery, only letting yourself have scraps of happiness, and pursue things that don't help with your issue.
 
Haven't commented on this story nearly as much as it deserves, but oof if this chapter didn't manage to tug at the heart particularly hard.
 
I know that this is a serious situation and he indecisiveness etc that Chiro is feeling is very relatable to many people; but at the same time reading her mental dialog and plans, I had to resist the urge to yell out loud 'You dense ********!'.
That had been the plan, yes.
Sure bats, but as has been noted; Inessa disagreed with your plan and decided to make a better one (which wasn't very hard in all honesty).
God Chiro, you are so TERRIBLE at being evil. Holy shit.
She's not even the decaff brand of evil. She's like the low fat, 100% artificial sweetener version of evil (which could be considered evil in a different way but, details).
Which, her greeting or the fact that she accompanied it with a readied fire arrow? :V
 
She's not even the decaff brand of evil. She's like the low fat, 100% artificial sweetener version of evil (which could be considered evil in a different way but, details).
Chiro is the evil you get from Wish.

And she's still been significantly more effective at the actual job of being a bad guy than either of the other minion-beasts.

Really makes you think.
 
Ooh? Are we getting close to the Arrival of the Suffiently Stronger Magical Girls? I can't wait for little Chiro to have a Resplendant Revelation. On the other hand though. I want her to keep her Bat Wings and powers
 
Ooh? Are we getting close to the Arrival of the Suffiently Stronger Magical Girls? I can't wait for little Chiro to have a Resplendant Revelation. On the other hand though. I want her to keep her Bat Wings and powers

The name of the next episode suggests that she'll have air-based powers; wouldn't be much of a stretch to extend Air theming to also include Bat theming, probably. Sonic scream would also fit under air, so probably it's mostly the Envy-based copy power she won't keep. which seems pretty thematic, anyway: she keeps the parts of being Invidia she likes and leaves the Envy to rot on its own.
 
Superbia didn't trust me to beat her. Instead, all he wanted me to do was draw Castitas out and grab ahold of her. Superbia claimed he could leave a trace of his power on me that would summon us both back to the Abyssal Forest as soon as I grabbed her.
This doesn't happen often, so I need to point it out: This is a pretty good call on Superbia's point. It's a plan that's likely to work, for the reasons Superbia thinks it'll work, and it's meant to handle a problem that actually exists. It's a solid plan which can effectively handle a real issue, and I don't think Superbia's done that before. Onscreen, at least; maybe one of Avaritia's good ideas came from him.

"What's your name?" she asked, managing not to stumble over her words for all her face was contorted in pain.

How was I supposed to answer that? I wasn't C. I would never be him again. But Chiro was a mask and Invidia's everything was built out of lies.
Finally! I can stop trying to structure my comments in a way that avoids directly naming the protagonist of the story I'm talking abo—
"I'm no one," it sounded so melodramatic to finally say it after so many weeks of dancing around the point, "I'm nothing, just deception after deception, stacked on top of itself until I almost look like a real person!"
...dang.

I grit my teeth and forced my legs to move. The result was halfway between charging and stumbling. Something inside of me was crumbling; my seed could not allow the longing that Inessa raised here and now: the offer of another road I could still take.
I realize there haven't been comments suggesting the seeds are just passive entities "forcing" their bearers to follow their "true desires" for a while, but they were really annoying.

I told her to meet me in the park the next day. I ached to drag it out, to delay the inevitable as much as possible. But that wouldn't be fair to Avaritia, and if I did successfully capture Inessa, it was probably better to do it on a Friday, so she wouldn't miss school if she converted or broke out.
She's such a terrible villain. But not the kind of terrible she's trying to be.

I hadn't bothered with an umbrella. It had felt like it would be too awkward if Inessa showed up for our big climatic battle and I was carrying around an umbrella I didn't need. Instead, she found me huddled into a damp ball on a bench, hugging myself for warmth.
If only you had a couple of big, leathery appendages you could—wait, then your wings would get cold.
Hm. Maybe you should've brought a raincoa—no, her wings would get in the way when she transformed. Huh.

"You're stalling. We didn't come here to talk, Castitas," I'd wanted the words to cut, but the comment ended up sounding affectionately chiding instead. I admired her, I loved her like family, I resented her with all my heart. And today we would grab that web of feelings between us and burn it to dust.

"Do we have to?" she asked, "Is there no other way?"

I stifled a laugh. If I'd ever been the kind of person who knew what I wanted, we wouldn't have gotten here in the first place. But Inessa wouldn't get the joke, and it wasn't like I was any better at understanding me.

"There's no other way," I said instead, rising to my feet and walking away from her.
If we imagine this as a queer fix-fic of an imaginary anime which handled Charleton rather more clumsily, I assume this scene would have played out with the same dialogue in the anime, just in a radically different tone.

Her words were punctuated with another trio of fiery arrows. These spun off in circular arcs before reorienting and, impossibly, homing at me from several directions at once.
Showoff.

"Haven't you been listening to Lupin, we're the good guys!" My response was mocking in a way she didn't deserve. Anything to blow it off, anything to keep this confrontation as purely physical as it could be.

Thunder sounded in the distance.

She shook her head. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
"...well, Avaritia means well. Ey're a good guy."

Her wings were supposed to be cute accessories, a silly part of a costume that would have been absurd if the Saints weren't so amazing. Now, they caught fire and grew with every word she said, every ounce of passion incarnating as another burning feather.
Showoff.

Castitas envied me? No, I shook my head. Her soul did not sing to me with any depth. At least it hadn't since I'd learned to listen to them. At most, she aspired to be like the person she'd thought C was. It was a strange revelation nonetheless.
It's like looking in a mirror. A show-offy, cisgender mirror. Which is also on fire.

"STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME AND JUST DIE ALREADY!"
Canon!Charleton sounds like a dick.
But Superbia had Avaritia trapped. And the only ways to end that were to capture Inessa here and now or to make sure he couldn't fall back on using me instead of em.
He probably doesn't have half of the sympathetic inner world that No One here has.

"Honestly," she said, "Did you think I would actually kill you?"

That had been the plan, yes.
She's almost as bad at reading Inessa as she is at introspection.


Can't write much yet. But oh shit, is Chiro going back to her dad? Hope she goes to the Brandts.
No, that's Superbia. I know they have a lot in common, but her dad doesn't have any beef with the Saints.
 
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