"...Wanting to possess someone always looks ugly, doesn't it?"
Ling Qi didn't know about that. She couldn't deny the validity of that black clawing feeling which scratched at her thoughts from the mind of the woman she immersed in. Too real, too deep. It felt like it could drown her, just as easily as the void of gray, that yawning depression nearly had. Shu Yue had been right, even here at the start of it, she'd been unprepared. She had thought she had an inkling of what this hate could be, from her encounters with Yan Renshu. His poisoning of her little brother, that awful attack he had helped the ith plan on that town…
It wasn't the same at all. Those were anger, indignation, and perhaps other things. What she had never felt before was real, enduring hate.
She had never had the luxury, or so she told herself. But then… her tormentors had never really had faces in her mind. You couldn't hate the cold, or the feeling of your empty stomach twisting in a knot. Well you could, but not like this. She had never hated a person like this, not even the man who had… driven her away from her mother in fear.
No, she was far too much a frightened and cowering rat at heart to hate so deeply.
"Qi, I will thump you. You do not get to call yourself a coward."
"Then don't talk about being ugly. That's the last thing you could ever be, Sixiang,"
"It is though… the fact I even thought that kinda thing, even with gramps juicing up my darker side… it was gross. I don't want to lock you up or lock you down. I want to fly with you…
…But its not so easy for humans is it? There was no happy end where Ming Xia gets her guy and he gets his job, and everyone skips off. Feeling's aint enough, one way or other, down in the Real."
Sixiang was right of course… Maybe with a better man Ming Xia could have found something happy, a man willing to live in mediocrity to marry a former prostitute… but would the woman Ling Qi was immersed in fall for such a man in the first place?
Ling Qi didn't think she would. The same traits that attracted her were the same ones that made this outcome… inevitable, in the world that was. She didn't believe even the ministries under the Duchess were really free of this kind of thing. Family was the core. You sought advantage for your family, even if your family was just yourself. She… she could see the core of Renxiang's point about the roots of corruption here. A Wei Jun today might be able to rise a little further… but he'd have to tie himself to someone higher eventually.
For Ming Xia… the only happiness might have been a life alone, growing up to replace the Madam she now hated with this hideous, all consuming hate.
…That was the worst part, being inside of her head, yet retaining perspective. Under the same conditions, she was dully certain that the same thing would have played out under Ming Xia's authority were the players of the game swapped around.
That was the twisted nature of the structure, and it molded every person who lived within it.
The first person Ming Xia killed was an an accident. Down in the deep roots where even the plain clothes she had worn out to market were rich things, merely for being clean and new. On edge, hungry, tired, still stewing in the hate that brought her here…
Still in this haze of half formed plans and physical discomfort, she had stopped to rest, to push away the feeling of her growling stomach. A man had tapped on her shoulder. She spun, slapped him out of instinct. He was a mortal man, she was a cultivator, even if one of only the meanest strength. Something cracked in his jaw, his head bounced off the side of building and something broke.
He collapsed like a puppet with his strings cut, and she had fled.
It had panicked her in the moment, but… after, in shadowed and sheltered mud of an alleyway where she set down to rest… it tantalized.
Strength. Power. Her subconcious wove a leer onto the indistinct blur that was the dead man's face in her memory, cobbled together a menacing intent. She would have a victim, a helpless pig again. But this time, she had been able to act.
Ling Qi could never know, she could perceive more than Ming Xia, but she still could not see what was outside of the womans senses. But Ming Xia was not a paragon of strength at first realm, she would have been barely stronger than a fit mortal man.
…She had glimpsed wispy gray and wrinkles. And heard the clatter and splash of a breaking bowl full of something warm. The building Ming Xia had been leaned against, cradling her stomach, was an eatery.
But even her meager cultivation had made it so that she was not again the victim.
In the end. What had been done to her was done because she was weak.
They were going to pay. They were going to pay. Theyweregoingtopay.
They would pay. Whispered her dreams.
Blood so sweet, spilled in the dust. A sacrifice, without intention. She was better than the dust, better than the cruelty done. She was a jewel, not a sow. She only needed make it so.
You are so much greater. We hear you. You feel you. Your ambitions whisper to us in the dark. So. So. worthy. But… won't you give us, just a little blood, just one more drop. One more, O Jewel.
Voices like buzzing wasps and whispering wings in the dark, the tittering of nightmare fairies.
"...Yeah, we were pretty thick in the air here back then… Honestly kinda amazing things held together as good as they did, with us wriggling our fingers in to claw apart every crack."
Ling Qi was silent, following the slow spiral of maddening emotion as Ming Xia worked herself up to follow the whispers in her dreams, for want of any other way to gain strength.
"It is fascinating, how people break apart. I like it, poking, prodding, seeing what gets 'em unsettled, what gets 'em mad, what makes the face they present to the world come apart. Even back when I was just flitting around the Sect," Sixiang said whistfully.
"I don't think this lot are half as restrained."
Sixiang… really had been trying to keep things the same as before, hadn't they? Ling Qi thought wistfully. But they really weren't. They couldn't be.
"I just want to smile and laugh with you again. I'm fine being the fun friend, the party guy or gal. Its not like those are lies."
But they weren't all of the truth either.
The actions were almost predictable, or so Ling Qi told herself. She didn't want to distance herself too much, knowing it went against the point of the exercise.
But being in Ming Xia's head felt like bathing in Meizhen's venom. Like a constant itching and burning on her skin. She almost wanted the grey to come back, if only to wash away this acidic black that inverted even the most innocuous happy thought into further spite.
It was worse than the puppet threads she had dreamed under her skin in the Nightmare's trial, because no one else was pulling them. There was only herself, and the driving dragging spite that would never let her feel happy again.
[ ] Endure. Remain as far immersed as you can while remaining whole. Until the end.
[ ] A step back. See, feel, experience the driving force of a life ending grudge. You are not Shu Yue, and should not try to be.
AN: meant to do this past bit in two parts, so the remainder here is a shorty. One more should finish up this arc for us.