Evillevi
A Pikachu for everything - Shadow Pikachu,2015
Didn't zomniac mention that he only accept pms on SB for the title stuff.
This Bites! (One Piece SI)
- Thread starter Xomniac
- Start date
- Location
- Online
First: I can't help but feel any injuries Spandam sustains will make whatever the 5 Star Elders/Sengoku do to him less fun to watch. After all watching a guy in a hospital bed get...sentenced just doesn't seem fun to me.
Second: Vivi does realize that the "rescue Robin thing" would have gone smoother had she actually used that seed? At least they wouldn't have needed Cross to do the saving.
Second: Vivi does realize that the "rescue Robin thing" would have gone smoother had she actually used that seed? At least they wouldn't have needed Cross to do the saving.
After reading this chapter, I now formally dread what might happen if Chopper ever met Bonesaw (Worm).
Keep up the good work, guys. Was hoping you'd get to Merry this chapter after earlier post from CV12Hornet, but I guess we'll see her in the next chapter or soon after.
Keep up the good work, guys. Was hoping you'd get to Merry this chapter after earlier post from CV12Hornet, but I guess we'll see her in the next chapter or soon after.
Guardsman_Sparky
The Clueless Wonder
- Location
- Virginia
Well, I won't be sleeping tonight. Anyone else up for huddling in a corner, covered in a sheet and rocking back and forth in the fetal position?
Appletank
Acquire Cheese
Well, first of all she rather it be a last resort, and when it was a last resort, she rolled a fumble. Good thing she has some Haki variant, eh?
I'm rather expecting that saving it as a last resort is going to backfire. Luffy had years training with the ability granted by his fruit, as did most other fruit users. When she eats that seed, she'll gain a new and very potent power, yes, but it will be one she has no idea how to use.
- Location
- Online
But that's the thing though. When she wanted to try to use it to save Robin she would have been too late. And she doesn't need to be a master of it right now. The strongest opponents she faced where those two Captains, neither of which had Haki. The rest were foot solders. All she would need is to know how to use strong blasts of wind and she probably would have been fine.
Appletank
Acquire Cheese
Maybe an attempt to not have too many people who can't swim? Then again, the Dugongs kinda helped alleviate that problem.
Evillevi
A Pikachu for everything - Shadow Pikachu,2015
So I'm going through the entire story again for the chapter title contest thing, and I notice something from my binge reading that I would like to speak out on if for no other reason than because it's actually bothering me by quite a bit.
First of all and needless to say, this is a great story and my negativity isn't meant to say that this story sucks.
That said... this story is incredibly ambitious and while you definitely nailed the One Piece atmosphere, the sheer size of each chapter is starting to be a bit too unwieldy from my pov. This is I think spurred by the fact that Xomniac is aiming to nail down the One Piece everything... which presents a problem since there are aspects that a written medium simply cannot convey well which Xomniac is nontheless adding for the sake of authenticity.
The first problem is that the size of the story combined with how much stuff there is + how slow the plot moves creates a situation where for prolonged parts of the story you are keeping one general tone/mood. This isn't a problem under normal conditions, but the excessive size of each general section of a particular tone/mood makes it incredibly likely that some repetitions in phrases/dialog get's through the writing/editing process. For example the (XXX *adjective* did something, But note the word *adjective*) and variations thereof is the most prominent repetition that comes to mind in the past few chapters. There are others minor repetition of stuff though this are found in the dialog which leads me to the second point of...
There's wayyy too many (side) characters. And while the actions of each character makes sense... Xomniac/the person in charge of the side characters have started approaching the limits of how many characters they can coherently keep distinct. In particular the dialog is starting to get really similar in places to other characters, which makes the (side) characters a lot less individual. This is IMO a problem that's not apparent in the manga because you have the art style that more adequately communicates the distinctiveness of any given character. On the written word however the dialog and narration are the primary things that seperate two characters apart. Having so many side characters whose characters are similar to different characters is making the story a bit less great. Note that this problem is fairly minor currently and will probably never be a main problem since side characters are side characters.
Thirdly there's the interest curve, and more specifically that whoever is pushing for authenticity has succeeded in among other things bringing over the authentic One Piece broken, bloodied, bandaged, banged, bashed and burned corpse of an Interest curve. Long story short, an interest curve is the type and intensity of interest in any given part of a story. One Piece greatest flaw is that it's interest curve is practically as bad as you can get while having a cohesive story mitigated only by the fact that you finish a chapter really fucking quickly. For reference of another story with a bad interest curve, go look up Ryuugi's latest few fics such as "The Games We Play". Now an interest curve differs from pacing in that it's about how much attention you want the reader to put into a given part rather than the nature of the story proper. The reason why it's important is that a good curve keeps people interested and 'mentally refreshed' so that they don't get bored reading something as our limited attention span starts running out. And congratulations on having chapter updates so big as to make the interest curve relevant
The interest Curve of This Bites is largely a straight line with random jumps in places from side characters 'interludes' and an occasional sharp dive/rise as a plot event begins and ends. Because there's no clear indication where the fic is less important , no smooth transition to and from these less important parts and the length of these parts being fairly short, it creates a scenario where our mind doesn't really rest while reading your more tense updates. Most people wouldn't actually notice the problem because quite frankly your writing is great and your pacing is fairly good and also that one's attention span and focus is difficult to self measure, but it's something that's fairly well noted in games where immersion is sometimes a key point and it's important that subconscious reactions be taken into account. I believe film making also incorporates something about the interest curve if you want something else to consider.
Lastly your jokes have started to somewhat overwhelm the character development in more casual moments. Whether this is a good thing I have no clue but it's an observation I noticed
First of all and needless to say, this is a great story and my negativity isn't meant to say that this story sucks.
That said... this story is incredibly ambitious and while you definitely nailed the One Piece atmosphere, the sheer size of each chapter is starting to be a bit too unwieldy from my pov. This is I think spurred by the fact that Xomniac is aiming to nail down the One Piece everything... which presents a problem since there are aspects that a written medium simply cannot convey well which Xomniac is nontheless adding for the sake of authenticity.
The first problem is that the size of the story combined with how much stuff there is + how slow the plot moves creates a situation where for prolonged parts of the story you are keeping one general tone/mood. This isn't a problem under normal conditions, but the excessive size of each general section of a particular tone/mood makes it incredibly likely that some repetitions in phrases/dialog get's through the writing/editing process. For example the (XXX *adjective* did something, But note the word *adjective*) and variations thereof is the most prominent repetition that comes to mind in the past few chapters. There are others minor repetition of stuff though this are found in the dialog which leads me to the second point of...
There's wayyy too many (side) characters. And while the actions of each character makes sense... Xomniac/the person in charge of the side characters have started approaching the limits of how many characters they can coherently keep distinct. In particular the dialog is starting to get really similar in places to other characters, which makes the (side) characters a lot less individual. This is IMO a problem that's not apparent in the manga because you have the art style that more adequately communicates the distinctiveness of any given character. On the written word however the dialog and narration are the primary things that seperate two characters apart. Having so many side characters whose characters are similar to different characters is making the story a bit less great. Note that this problem is fairly minor currently and will probably never be a main problem since side characters are side characters.
Thirdly there's the interest curve, and more specifically that whoever is pushing for authenticity has succeeded in among other things bringing over the authentic One Piece broken, bloodied, bandaged, banged, bashed and burned corpse of an Interest curve. Long story short, an interest curve is the type and intensity of interest in any given part of a story. One Piece greatest flaw is that it's interest curve is practically as bad as you can get while having a cohesive story mitigated only by the fact that you finish a chapter really fucking quickly. For reference of another story with a bad interest curve, go look up Ryuugi's latest few fics such as "The Games We Play". Now an interest curve differs from pacing in that it's about how much attention you want the reader to put into a given part rather than the nature of the story proper. The reason why it's important is that a good curve keeps people interested and 'mentally refreshed' so that they don't get bored reading something as our limited attention span starts running out. And congratulations on having chapter updates so big as to make the interest curve relevant
The interest Curve of This Bites is largely a straight line with random jumps in places from side characters 'interludes' and an occasional sharp dive/rise as a plot event begins and ends. Because there's no clear indication where the fic is less important , no smooth transition to and from these less important parts and the length of these parts being fairly short, it creates a scenario where our mind doesn't really rest while reading your more tense updates. Most people wouldn't actually notice the problem because quite frankly your writing is great and your pacing is fairly good and also that one's attention span and focus is difficult to self measure, but it's something that's fairly well noted in games where immersion is sometimes a key point and it's important that subconscious reactions be taken into account. I believe film making also incorporates something about the interest curve if you want something else to consider.
Lastly your jokes have started to somewhat overwhelm the character development in more casual moments. Whether this is a good thing I have no clue but it's an observation I noticed
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CV12Hornet
Riter.
- Location
- Tacoma, Washington
Well, that last one is something we can do something about, at least. The others... well, unless Xomniac dramatically changes his writing style and future plans, which probably isn't going to happen, there's not a whole lot we can do. Take the repetitions, for example: trust me when I say they're a lot worse before I do my editing, and there's only so much I can do about it.
Evillevi
A Pikachu for everything - Shadow Pikachu,2015
Fair enough though I like to point out that the repetition (of the final product) gets worse the more POV you use in an update. Specifically the POV of side characters who don't occupy their own niche. Tsuru is fine while Black Bartameo (?) is starting to sound like the Strawhats.
That said keep up the great work
CV12Hornet
Riter.
- Location
- Tacoma, Washington
Well, Bartolomeo starting to sound like the Straw Hats might be deliberate on Xomniac's part.Fair enough though I like to point out that the repetition (of the final product) gets worse the more POV you use in an update. Specifically the POV of side characters who don't occupy their own niche. Tsuru is fine while Black Bartameo (?) is starting to sound like the Strawhats.
That said keep up the great work
Evillevi
A Pikachu for everything - Shadow Pikachu,2015
Mizu
Software Developer
- Location
- Victoria, Australia
big one comin'
to the shield-toting
command packed with so
feet and eyed the
as one of her boots came down
I sang as
- Location
- Poland
Xomniac
Clockwork Purveyor of Prose and Originality
Attention, readers of This Bites! We the Cross-Brain have recently run into a case of... creative differences, to say the least. I believe a scene should go one way, and my cowriters think it should go another. As such, we're leaving it all up to you. If my version wins, it goes in. If their version wins, it goes in.
Our difference is on whether or not the Admirals should have Conqueror's Haki. I, for one, am of the stringent opinion that yes they absolutely should because as my partners have so blatantly failed to remember, they are the top three soldiers of the Marine Corps, three of the strongest soldiers of Justice alive to date! Hell, they are next in line for Sengoku's very seat, it's nothing short of pure logic to think that they'd have it!
But! Let not my words sway you, let my writing. Observe, if you will, a version of events in the upcoming chapter as depicted with Akainu possessing Conqueror's Haki, as is only right:
"HURK!" Soundbite's head suddenly rocked forwards as he gagged on something.
"Soundbite! Crap, what's—!?" My concern morphed into terror when my snail started coughing up smoke. "Oh shit… oh shit shit shit!" I hastily scrabbled for the button to hang up the call—!
And was frozen when Soundbite's eyes suddenly snapped up with a glare filled with pure evil and I found myself standing at the foot of an active volcano the size of Everest itself, molten fire and brimstone erupting from the earth and soaring high enough to set the heavens themselves ablaze.
"Let me be perfectly clear," Soundbite rumbled murderously. "Any soldier who dares to take so much as a step back will be met with a firing squad upon their return to Marineford. And if you think for even a second that I will not find out the names of each and every last traitor to Justice?"
The force of the eruption tripled, and I swear to god that my eyebrows flash-fried right off my face.
"THINK AGAIN."
And then the connection cut off and I was left shivering on a Bridge with a wheezing snail on my shoulder.
Our difference is on whether or not the Admirals should have Conqueror's Haki. I, for one, am of the stringent opinion that yes they absolutely should because as my partners have so blatantly failed to remember, they are the top three soldiers of the Marine Corps, three of the strongest soldiers of Justice alive to date! Hell, they are next in line for Sengoku's very seat, it's nothing short of pure logic to think that they'd have it!
But! Let not my words sway you, let my writing. Observe, if you will, a version of events in the upcoming chapter as depicted with Akainu possessing Conqueror's Haki, as is only right:
-o-
"HURK!" Soundbite's head suddenly rocked forwards as he gagged on something.
"Soundbite! Crap, what's—!?" My concern morphed into terror when my snail started coughing up smoke. "Oh shit… oh shit shit shit!" I hastily scrabbled for the button to hang up the call—!
And was frozen when Soundbite's eyes suddenly snapped up with a glare filled with pure evil and I found myself standing at the foot of an active volcano the size of Everest itself, molten fire and brimstone erupting from the earth and soaring high enough to set the heavens themselves ablaze.
"Let me be perfectly clear," Soundbite rumbled murderously. "Any soldier who dares to take so much as a step back will be met with a firing squad upon their return to Marineford. And if you think for even a second that I will not find out the names of each and every last traitor to Justice?"
The force of the eruption tripled, and I swear to god that my eyebrows flash-fried right off my face.
"THINK AGAIN."
And then the connection cut off and I was left shivering on a Bridge with a wheezing snail on my shoulder.
-o-
And voila. Please, liberally like this post if you believe (which you should) that this is the appropriate version of events.
The Fourth Monado
S U B A R A S H I I
- Location
- Away
*wonders what the other version is*
Let both sides present to the Court, and let it be weighed impartially by the Jury.
CV12Hornet
Riter.
- Location
- Tacoma, Washington
The position Vence and I are holding, on the other hand, is that Conqueror's Haki is noted to be damn rare, and two people with Conqueror's in the same organization even rarer. Spreading it out to so many people within the same organization cheapens its status, and more importantly, none of them have shown any sign that they actually have Conqueror's, and you can be damn well sure that they would've used it at some point during the manga's run.
Besides, I remember you lovely readers already voicing objections to us giving it to Sengoku and the Five Elder Stars.
If you agree with this position, and think the above scene needs to be changed, like this post.
Also, as of yet there is no other version of that scene, due to the fact that I haven't gotten the chance to rewrite it yet.
Besides, I remember you lovely readers already voicing objections to us giving it to Sengoku and the Five Elder Stars.
If you agree with this position, and think the above scene needs to be changed, like this post.
Also, as of yet there is no other version of that scene, due to the fact that I haven't gotten the chance to rewrite it yet.
Agreed.
@Xomniac
Let us see the other version too, please.
...However, on the basic subject without the scene, there is a single point I would like to bring up. Aokiji. While your argument for them having Conquer's Haki makes sense, it does not make sense that he would not use it instead of Ice Age to intimidate people. It is almost certainly both more effective and easier, and he's lazy. I can't think of any reason why he would never have used it where we can see him in canon if he has it.
deadpan29
Strangely Stoic
My initial thought on the admirals having conquerors haki would be no. At least, if you mean all three. One of them, O.K., but it should be kept very rare. It also feels unnecessary. They don't need it to be intimidating in the fashion shown here. I didn't even realize that Sengoku had it in this story until CV12Hornet said so just now. Nami in this story manages to be intimidating on a comparable level on occasion.
The Fourth Monado
S U B A R A S H I I
- Location
- Away
...Honestly, I'm fine with just one of the Admirals having it. However, I highly doubt all three of them would possess it. So, yeah.
Fluffy
Destroyer of.......most worlds
- Location
- High Earth Orbit
im gonna have to vote against, maybe one might have it, but with the number of fights we have seen them in they would have at least used it once,
and none of them have.
like the battle at marinford, i doubt the two lazy admirals wouldnt have used it just to thin out the enemy grunts, so that they wouldnt have to work hard.
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