Remove ads

This Bites! (One Piece SI)

Reader mode
Promenius said:
And all the references to bread are referencing the "Expiration Date" video.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

Well I'm glad to know about this now... that was pretty great, almost like the game has a plot or story now. Though I was unaware that females existed in that gameworld. Polly was great!
 
Mandabar said:
Polly
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

It's Pauling actually, although the names do sound similar :)

She's the assistant of the Administrator (the female voice that you can hear over the loudspeakers in the game), and as such, Miss Pauling does a lot of odd jobs for the Administrator including (but not limited to): assassination, dismemberment and disposal of bodies, writing reports, serving tea, ordering and delivering weapon shipments, theft, blackmail, forging of documents, and so on.

Mandabar said:
almost like the game has a plot or story now
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...

On the TF2 website, the game's creators readily admit that the game *didn't* have a story at first, simply because there wasn't room for it. But, as time passed, they began to develop the game's story through in-game items, events and comics.

The comics are actually hilarious, and you can read them all for free on the official website:

Team Fortress 2: Comics
 
Remove ads
Chapter 34 - Long Ring Long Land Pt 1
  • Threadmarks
    • Chapter 34​

    Cross-Brain AN: Loyal fans, for those of you thinking that this chapter is late, let us pose this to you: what is our regular update schedule? The answer: once a week. And we already updated last week, didn't we?

    Patient AN: Except it's not that simple. We really wish this WAS a simple matter of trolling, but it isn't. This past week was a lot more hectic than any of us expected; we're not happy that we missed our appointed time, and it's not on purpose.

    Hornet AN: Work sucks and then the imploding economy kills your retirement.

    Also, fuck Lebron James, fuck the Cavaliers, and fuck the city of Cleveland in general.

    Xomniac AN: And college in general while we're at it, not letting me stay in my dorm and making me find somewhere new to stay…

    Cross-Brain AN: Well, at least we have one bit of good news in our lives to deliver: as of Friday,     This Bites! has officially become the most popular Self-Insert fic in the One Piece fandom!

    "LAND HO!"

    I was knocked from the book I'd been burying myself in by Luffy and Usopp's strident lecturing of Robin on the proper way to notify the crew that she'd seen an island. I took a second to get my bearings before smiling, standing up and picking up Soundbite. However, while I appeared calm on the outside, mentally I was the exact opposite, and had been for a while now.

    My smile, fond though it was, belied the grim anticipation I felt; sure, it was nice to finally be near land, but the implications of our destination… those I couldn't shake.

    Our course was still unchangeably headed for an island infiltrated by no less than half of CP9. With any luck, Robin would be fully onboard once we arrived, so that we'd be able to start the inevitable conflict on our terms rather than theirs. But if she wasn't… then we were in for one hell of a brawl.

    Still, at least we had one advantage: until Robin arrived on Water 7, CP9's incognito members would continue to go about their days as though nothing were happening. Hence, with the global timeline 'paused' as it were, we had a resource on our hands we hadn't had in a long time: quite literally, time.

    Time to train, time to prepare, and most importantly of all, time to plan.

    But I forced myself to push that issue away as I walked out onto the deck and gazed through the fog around us; pressing though the CP9 saga was, the memory of the remnants of the Fanged Toad Pirates and their sinking into the sea—which, I have to be honest, I couldn't regret; as disheartened as they were, if their first thought was to try robbing us, they weren't worth the effort to mourn—reminded me that we had to deal with the Foxy Pirates first.

    I tented my fingers on the balcony as I considered our oncoming foes. For all that Foxy was something of a joke character, the truth was undeniable: he'd compensated for his own weakness by getting the Davy Back Fight down to an art. In a direct fight he was pathetic, but when he managed to get his way… well, simply put, he had managed to survive long enough on the Grand Line to accumulate nearly 500 members for his crew, including fishmen and giants. No matter how you looked at it, Foxy was as paradoxically threatening as he was utterly pathetic.

    "CROSS!"

    I jumped in surprise as I was knocked clean out of my thoughts by Nami's voice before glancing to the side, where both she and Zoro were staring at me in equal parts worry and impatience. "Sorry, my thoughts were a mile away. What is it?"

    "I asked if there's anything to worry about on this island," Nami replied before glancing at the island. "Though going by how you didn't answer me for a full minute, I'd call that question already answered."

    I grimaced slightly before starting to tap the side of my head. "Eh… kind of. There are no indigenous threats; the local civilization isn't even around, for that matter. All that lives here are a bunch of abnormally tall or long animals, something about growing longer due to leisurely lifestyles or whatever. They're all laid back, so even the carnivores are barely even a threat. I suspect that this is the most peaceful island we'll find in the Grand Line."

    "I'm hearing that 'but' like Soundbite's shouting it, Cross," Zoro deadpanned.

    I stopped tapping and started pressing my finger against my temple. "But it's a prelude. We're going to be meeting some people here. There'll be a group who'll be an annoying but decently tough fight…" I scowled as I dug my finger into forehead. "And after all that, there'll be one who will stomp us into the ground."

    Zoro and Nami tensed for a moment before Nami forced herself to relax marginally as she looked back at the shoreline. "Eh, I'm sure Luffy and the guys will be able to beat him."

    "Don't count on it," I scowled grimly. "Picture a calmer, more world-savvy Eneru, minus the natural advantage that one of our crew had against him."

    Zoro tapped his finger on the butt of Wado Ichimonji, not seeming to notice he was doing it. "Then how are we supposed to get out of this one alive?"

    "Pure luck and Luffy's guts…" I shook my head grimly. "After the guy effortlessly incapacitates Luffy."

    That got the two to stiffen in naked terror, while drawing a different reaction from a third observer.

    "It would appear that the third time fighting a Logia isn't the charm for our captain," remarked Robin in a would-be calm voice as she walked up on us out of nowhere.

    It was a testament to my nerves that I didn't jump, instead biting my lip as I hoped to high heaven that she wouldn't ask the million Beri question. If I hesitated, chances were high that she'd guess the reason for it. Thankfully, however, she chose to keep her peace.

    "Not in this case, it isn't…" I shook my head solemnly before clapping my hands. "But in any case, that will have to wait. That annoying group I mentioned does present a threat, but only if we let them gain momentum. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does…" I sighed and waved my hand dismissively. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to burn that bridge when we come to it. For now, brace yourselves; the fourth leg of our journey starts now, and it's going to be one of the hardest parts we face this side of the Red Line."

    That got them on their guard, sending Nami stalking off towards Usopp and Conis, presumably to check on the progress they'd made on our weapons, while Robin and Zoro stayed by me and watched as the island approached.

    "…Fourth leg of our journey? How do you figure that, Cross?" Zoro asked.

    "Eh, it's just the way I saw it," I shrugged. "The first leg was from when Luffy set out to when you guys left the East Blue, the second was from the start of the Grand Line to Alabasta, and the third was from the end of Alabasta until now. Some legs are longer than others, but all are significant in some way, shape or form."

    "And how many of those do you know about, Cross?" Robin needled.

    I looked upwards and spoke wordlessly to myself as I counted down on my fingers. Alright, let's see, the arcs were East Blue, Alabasta, Skypiea, Water 7/Enies, Thriller Bark, Marineford, Fishman Island, Punk Hazard and Dressrosa, though those last two were practically one and the same under the Pirate Alliance. Either way, it all totalled up to… "Eight, or therearound. My knowledge stops right as we start getting into what will undoubtedly be the biggest shitstorm the world has seen in the last 700 years."

    "Naturally," Robin said dryly.

    "Hey, what do you want from me?" I shrugged. "I'm only human."

    "Allegedly, anyway," Zoro scoffed.

    I rolled my eyes and turned away in favor of observing Long Ring Long Land. As we arrived, I could see that it was, well… a plain-looking island. That is, the island was covered in grass and dotted with tall trees, and so it looked plain… because it was a plain.

    … Moving on. The Kiddy Trio shot overboard, as did Vivi and Carue. Everyone else stayed behind for one reason or another.

    "Lassoo! Wanna go fox-hunting?" I called.

    "Hey!" Su interrupted, an angry scowl on her face. "That's insulting to my heritage as a BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

    Both Lassoo, Soundbite, and I blinked as Su suddenly and without warning descended into a fit of laughter.

    "Uh, Su?" I began.

    "AHAHAHAHAHAHA…! Oh, man, I nearly made it through that with a straight face," the cloud fox finally trailed off. "Nah, we foxes are all snarky little shits and we know it. Go on with whatever it was you were doing."

    I shrugged and turned back to Lassoo. "So, about that invitation…"

    The dog-gun's response was to eagerly bound up next to me and leap at my back, morphing into his gun-mode in mid-air and latching into the harness that Usopp had made for me a few days ago when I'd finally managed to start hefting Lassoo without strain.

    "HURF!"

    'Or, well,' I corrected mentally as I strained under Lassoo's full weight. 'Almost without strain…' Freaking hell, even a full ton lighter and he still risked crushing me flat.

    "You'd think having literally nothing but muscle would make this easier, instead of setting me back by weeks," I remarked through gritted teeth.

    "Look at it this way: at least you're actually capable of walking," Su commented airily from where she was perched on the Merry's railing. "That's more than most anyone who went through anything even remotely similar to what you did can say."

    "… You have no idea just how accurate that statement is, Su," I deadpanned. I then turned back to my fellow officers. "Pass this on to everyone who stays behind: the group I mentioned will be here soon, but the captain is already on the island." I grimaced as I put my foot on the Merry's railing. "Hopefully, I can take him down before he can get Luffy to accept his challenge."

    "Challenge?" Nami asked in confusion. "What challenge?"

    I turned an eye towards the fog, and grimaced as I caught sight of a dark shadow just starting to loom. "The Davy Back Fight," I said sourly. "Ask Robin or Sanji to tell you what it is. Trust me, whatever they tell you, these guys have made it ten times worse."

    And with that parting comment, I leapt to the shore and started jogging after our captain, doctor, sniper, and duck-mounted diplomat as fast as my legs allowed.

    -o-​

    "Good day, young man."

    "Winston Churchill," I divined, giving the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaschund a respectful nod as I passed him by.

    "Yeah, I guess that accent's kinda UNMISTAKABLE," Soundbite admitted. "ALRIGHT, HOW ABOUT… this?"

    "Oh, 'scuse me," I apologized as I ducked under the elongated mass of a particularly large animal.

    "Not a problem," the animal rumbled.

    "Hm…" I tapped my chin. "Robin Williams? No, that doesn't make sense…" I glanced back at the animal as I tried to puzzle it out before finally managing to catch sight of its horns. "Oh! A buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose. Teddy Roosevelt then?"

    "CORRECTAMUNDO!" Soundbite proclaimed.

    "Good job compensating for a lack of an actual voice to go by."

    "Thanks, I'm quite proud of it. NOW… OH! OH! This should be GOOD!"

    "G'day, mate," a wide-snouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalligator greeted me quietly as he stalked after the buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose.

    I instantly jerked to a halt and snapped my fist up. "HOLD IT!" I barked, causing everyone around me to freeze. "A moment of silence for the Hunter…"

    Soundbite, the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeptile and I all bowed our heads reverentially for a second…

    "Aaaand moving on." I dropped my fist and resumed tracking Carue's thankfully distinctive footprints. "And for the record, Soundbite? That was an elongated alligator, he was called Crocodile Hunter."

    "Eh, I went in KNOWING IT WAS A gamble."

    I shrugged. As I continued following the footprints, I actually took the moment to appreciate the land. A sea of grass that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles… even the bizarre trees, stretched out like reflections from a funhouse mirror, couldn't impede the amazing scope of the situation. I mean, I had experienced farmlands like this a few times back home, but nothing like this. Honestly, it was all just… just—

    "LOOK OUT BELOW!"

    "LOOK OUT ABOVE!"

    "Wha—?" I had barely enough time to glance up in confusion—

    WHAM!

    When I was suddenly pasted by a very heavy and, frankly, very smelly projectile.

    I took a second to lie on the ground as I tried to process what the hell had just happened when said projectile suddenly sat up and started scratching the back of its head.

    "Ah, back on solid ground at last…" Tonjit sighed in relief before shifting around. "Huh, it's softer than I remember."

    "…I take it all back…" I growled out. "This place is a freaking tinderbox, and all I need is a match so that I can watch it burn." I blinked as a thought occurred to me. "Holy crap, this must be how Nami feels pretty much all the time…"

    "Cross!" Vivi called out as she and the rest of our unofficial away team crowded around me. "Are you alright?"

    "Holy crap, the bamboo genie came out and crushed Cross!" Luffy exclaimed.

    "A genie?" asked Chopper.

    "Yeah! It's the thing that appears after you break the bamboo and—WHEGH!"

    I glared at my captain as I forced him to hold his tongue—or rather, as I held it for him. "He's no genie, Luffy, and that wasn't… quite bamboo?" I glanced down at the stilts. Seriously, how the hell had he managed—? I hastily shook my head as I got myself back on track. "Anyway, what you just broke was the world's biggest pair of stilts, and this was the guy who was standing on top. For all I know, he may very well live in that house and be the owner of that horse. Now, if you'll excuse me…" I slowly tilted back…

    THUD!

    And landed in the thankfully soft grass, although Lassoo being beneath me was marginally uncomfortable. "I'm just gonna lie here for a bit until my limbs stop aching…" I groaned.

    "Uh… are you alright, Cross?" Vivi asked, leaning over me with a worried look.

    "Cah'mon, Vivi," Carue huffed as he grabbed the back of Vivi's collar and yanked her away.

    "He'll be fine, wet's just get outta hewe befowe whatevah madness he's gawt comin' catches up to him."

    Tonjit, meanwhile, was blinking slowly before suddenly gasping and staring at me in shock. "Wait, young man, did you just say that there was a horse by that house over there?"

    "…yes?" I asked slowly, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    "Huh…" Tonjit slowly redirected his gaze at the house. "You know, I used to have a house and a horse…" He stared for a second longer before tilting his head. "What an odd coincidence…"

    I slapped my hand to my face with a groan. "For the love of—! Eh, to hell with it. Who the hell'll ever believe him? HEY, SHELLY!"

    A minute later, I was watching Tonjit ride around happily on his old companion with a somewhat bemused expression. "So…" I glanced at Soundbite. "Your reasoning?"

    "EH, what can I SAY?" Soundbite shrugged as much as he could. "OLD, MATRONLY and kind? Who else but McGonagall?"

    "Heh, fair enough…" I watched the two of them for a few more seconds, and had to admit that it was a beautiful sight even considering that he had fallen on me. And not one that I wanted to see interrupted the hard way, that was for sure. "Are Foxy and his goons nearby yet?"

    "Chica AND BONNIE?" Soundbite asked cheekily.

    "…That's more accurate than I'd like to admit. Still though?"

    "Eeehhh…" Soundbite swiveled his eyestalks. "Yeeaaah, there they IS THAT A GUN!?"

    "Yeah, that's them," I scowled grimly. "Alright, Soundbite, blow their brains out."

    One second's pause, then Soundbite's eyes widened in horror. "WAX! How did they ALREADY KNOW!?"

    I didn't spare any thought to answering the question, instead scrambling to a kneel and twisting my harness so that Lassoo was perched on my shoulder. "Which way are they!?"

    "TWENTY DEGREES WIDDERSHINS!"

    I gave the gastropod an acrid scowl. "Does it look like we're riding on four elephants and a freaking turtle!?"

    "AH…" Soundbite flinched self-consciously. "MAKE THAT starboard?"

    I jerked Lassoo's barrel to the side.

    "FIRE!"

    "CANI-PLASTER!" I roared as I pulled Lassoo's trigger.

    BOOM! SPLAT!

    "AGH! PTOOH! WHAT ZE HECK!"

    I breathed a sigh of relief before dropping Lassoo down so that he could morph into his hybrid form while I stood up fully and stalked towards the tar-soaked trio. Thankfully, going by the fact that Tonjit was looking over at us in confusion atop a yet-uninjured Shelly, it looked like I had actually managed to beat them to the shot. Well, that was step one taken care of. Now, to keep them from actually managing to challenge Luffy.

    I plastered the most murderous expression on my face as I could manage as I stalked up to them, cocking Lassoo menacingly. "That was Cani-Plaster," I announced. "Unless you three want to see how well that particular attack synergizes with Cani-Palm—"

    Lassoo's body promptly clicked, and he breathed out a tongue of fire, courtesy of the Flame Dial Usopp had recently finished installing in one of his chambers.

    "—I suggest that you all back the heck off!"

    Lassoo capped it all off with a savage growl, which I was gratified to see made the opposing crew flinch back.

    "Hey, what was that for, Cross?!" Vivi demanded, approaching me rapidly on duckback, Chopper in Walk Point alongside her and Luffy and Usopp close behind them.

    "INDEED!" the split-headed pirate snarled in a heavy Italian accent as he struggled to wipe the tar off. "What ze hell did I do to deserve this!?"

    "YOU MEAN BESIDES THE FACT that you were about to SHOOT SHELLY!?" Soundbite snarled viciously.

    "He was what!?" Chopper roared as he snapped into his Heavy Point and loomed over the suddenly fearful slow-man, only for the much bigger gorilla-man Hamburg to square off and butt heads with him.

    "Stay away from the boss, furball," he growled, more serious than I thought was possible from him.

    "Who are these guys, Cross?" Usopp asked, nervously fingering his slingshot.

    "Who am I?!" Foxy demanded incredulously. "You actually don't recognize me?"

    "It's probably just the tar, boss," Porche consoled him. Foxy nodded to that, and then straightened.

    "Well, in that case, I suppose I'll introduce myself!" he said with a smug pose. "I am Foxy the Silver Fox, ฿24 million bounty, Captain of the Foxy Pirates! I am the man who always gets what he wants!"

    I slowly lessened my glare in favor of a disbelieving look. "Only ฿24 million, in the Grand Line? Eesh, and I thought you were pathetic before."

    Foxy promptly collapsed into a teary heap, a stormcloud-like air of depression hovering over him. "Pathetic?" he moaned.

    "Pupupupu!" Hamburg hunched over with a snicker.

    "QUIT IT, HAMBURG!" Porche snarled at him before patting her captain's shoulder comfortingly. "Aw, c'mon, Boss, it's not that bad! I mean, he has heard of you before, right?"

    Foxy started to perk up—

    "God knows I wish I didn't."

    Until I threw in my own two cents.

    "I WILL LODGE MY BATON IN YOUR INTESTINAL TRACT!" the Foxy Pirates' diva promised.

    "Why were you trying to shoot Shelly?" Luffy cut in with a frown before I could respond.

    Unfortunately, that question managed to snap Foxy out of his funk, prompting him to leap to his feet and jab his thumb at himself as he gave the definition of a shit-eating grin. "Because I felt like it, of course," he drawled. "I don't care about such a worthless horse, I was just going to shoot it for fun."

    I felt my eye twitch at the sheer wrongness of that statement. "Permission to cleanse the world of this scum, Captain?" I growled, prompting Lassoo to snarl out some flames again.

    "H-Hold it right there, Straw Hat Pirates!" Foxy barked.

    "Wha—? How do you know who we are?" Luffy demanded.

    I pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand. "The SBS, Luffy. It'd be more of a surprise if they didn't know who we were."

    "Oooooh, alright," Luffy nodded in understanding.

    "And what right do you have to call us scum, anyway?" Porche demanded. "You're pirates just as much as we are. This is just what pirates do!"

    I would have gotten pissed at that particular statement if my blood didn't suddenly freeze on account of the feeling of raw, primal terror that Luffy's sudden rage elicited. "SAY THAT AGAIN!" he bellowed as he took a menacing step forwards.

    "HOLD IT, STRAWHAT!" Foxy snapped his hand up, temporarily forestalling Luffy's advance. "We're not here to fight! Rather…" The splithead dove his hands into his pocket and when he withdrew them, he was clutching a trio of coins with one while the other tossed a pistol at Luffy. "WE ARE HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A THREE-ROUND DAVY BACK FIGHT!"

    All the anger in Luffy seemed to deflate out of him, replaced by confusion, while Usopp, Vivi and Carue's expressions slowly began to contort in realization and horror. "A Davy—?"

    "There are pirates who still play that in the Grand Line!?" Vivi gasped in horror.

    "CWAP!" Carue squawked in agreement.

    "DON'T DO IT, LUFFY!" Usopp begged desperately. "IF WE PLAY THAT GAME, THEN WE COULD LOSE OUR FRIENDS!"

    "He's right, Luffy, this game—!" I started to cut in.

    "Will there be a Captain's Fight?" Luffy asked, all traces of his usual good cheer completely gone as he pinned Foxy with a vicious glare.

    I froze as the question caught me completely flat-footed. "Wai—What!?" I yelped in confusion.

    "But of course." Foxy's sneer widened significantly. "After all, it's only traditional."

    Luffy promptly aimed the pistol skyward. "Then I'm in."

    "Nonono, Luffy, wai—!"

    "Then let the Davy Back Fight," Foxy barked victoriously as he whipped out his own pistol and mirrored Luffy. "COMMENCE!"

    BANG!

    My heart dropped as both he and Luffy discharged their pistols, thus irreversibly sealing our fates. The horror lasted only for a moment before I took the appropriate course of action, Vivi and Usopp both mirroring my movements.

    "YOU IDIOT!" we yelled, slamming our fists into his head with enough force to bury it in the ground. I then grasped my fist with my other hand as it processed the pain as though I had punched iron rather than rubber.

    "Gah… Usopp, what's the status on my new armor?" I grit out.

    "You know, I was going to have it finished in a day, but I think I'll make it my top priority in light of this," Usopp grumbled as Luffy tried to unstick his head.

    "Fehfehfehfehfeh!" Foxy cackled. "This should bolster our crew quite nicely, I'd say."

    "Don't count on it, split-head," I growled, causing Foxy to sink back into depression. At that moment, Luffy freed his head, and looked at our expressions.

    "What is it, you guys?" he asked obliviously.

    I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Soundbite? Gastro-Scramble."

    "Roger roger," he returned before static filled the air. The next instant, I began tearing into Luffy.

    "YOU COMPLETE IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP TO LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY?! DAVY BACK FIGHTS FORCE CAPTAINS TO GAMBLE THEIR CREWS! EVERY GAME WE LOSE, ONE OF OUR CREWMATES GETS STOLEN!" I roared.

    Luffy frowned up at me. "Yeah, I already knew that."

    "YOU—!" I started to snarl before freezing as I processed his words. "Wait, you what!?"

    "I know what a Davy Back Fight is," Luffy repeated casually. "Shanks told me about 'em back in my home town. There's some bits I don't remember that well, but I know what it's all about."

    My rage was subdued for the moment as part of my mind blanked, trying desperately to process what I was hearing. "But-But in the story—!?"

    "Weeell…" Luffy scratched the side of his head with a smile. "You keep saying I should use my brain more, so I've been trying to do that. One of the things I've been doing is trying to remember anything Gramps and Shanks told me about the Grand Line."

    My jaw dropped open as a wave of horror crashed down over me, but then I froze as I felt a number of murderous gazes drilling into me. I hastily swung around and waved my hands at my very pissed off crewmates. "Hey hey hey, don't blame me! How could I have possibly seen this coming?! In what possible way could I have predicted that a smarter Luffy would have been a worse Luffy!?"

    "You mean besides EVERY MARY-SUE FIC ever?" Soundbite muttered sarcastically.

    "That is a literary issue, not a realistic one!" I hissed back, then turned my attention back to Luffy. "Anyway, you really misjudged things this time! Think about it, Luffy: Foxy knew who we were, he's been listening to the SBS, so he knows what you're capable of, and yet he willingly challenged us, even in spite of the fact that you specifically asked for a direct fight with him! Do you know why he'd do that?"

    Luffy blinked in confusion. "Ah… because he's an idiot?"

    "That's a given, but no," I growled darkly. "He challenged us because he's got more up his sleeves than mere brawn. Luffy, the Foxy Pirates are tricksters. They've mastered the Davy Back Fight and come up with a million and one different ways of forcibly tipping the odds in their own favor. This isn't a battle we can win with might, but rather with wits, and they have way more practice at it than we do!"

    Vivi paled in horror. "T-That's really not a good thing, Luffy! Baroque Works used to pull the exact same thing in order to forcibly gain recruits!" She cast a wary glance at a patiently waiting Foxy. "And if these guys have even more practice at it…"

    "So, you see, Luffy," I growled darkly. "You've managed to hold us above a barrel here, which only begs one question: what the hell made you think it was even remotely worth it to accept his challenge?"

    Luffy stared up at us silently for a moment before bowing his head and tilting his hat down over his eyes. "… Because I remember that Shanks said that the Davy Back Fight usually ends with a fight between the captains of the two crews…"

    Luffy suddenly glanced up, and the look in his eyes… well, any protests that I had died then and there. "And I want to kick that bastard's ass for pretending to be a pirate!"

    We stared at him, the fire in his eyes blazing for a few more seconds before he grinned. "Besides, you guys are my crew! I know you can handle it!" he said cheerfully.

    I sighed, unable to keep myself from smiling. "One compliment, and he has us hook, line, and sinker," I groused.

    "Yep," chorused everyone else.

    "Alright…" I scratched my head for a moment before glancing at Luffy. "Captain, permission to tell the crew what to expect? I mean, one slip-up here, and the consequences are worse than death."

    "Huh? Uh… OK, Cross, go ahead," Luffy conceded with a frown. "But don't tell me anything about split-head unless you really think I have to know it."

    "Nah, you'll find out the only dangerous thing he has up his sleeve long before you fight him," I waved him off. I then directed a glare at Foxy, who was staring at us with clear impatience at being unable to hear our conversation. "For now… let's get back to the Merry and get this shitshow started. We've got some planning to take care of." I then tensed as a horrific realization hit me like a rock. "And… a storm to weather."

    -o-​

    When we returned to the Merry, I had explained the situation, and with the fact that they knew about the Davy Back Fight and the fact that Foxy's crew was worse, it went without saying that Nami subsequently raged at Luffy. And by 'raged', I mean 'whipped up a miniature Category 5 Typhoon on the coast of Long Ring Long Island from scratch'… though thankfully, she'd withheld her unholy wrath until after I'd finished explaining the ins and outs of the ordeal we were in for.

    And that had not been an easy conversation to have. Needless to say, Zoro and Sanji being told that they had to work together caused no end of frustration, but the potential threat of losing one of the ladies or, as in canon, Chopper was enough for them to agree to work together from the game's start to its end. As for the Donut Race, Nami staying onboard was non-negotiable due to the Long Cape's whirlpools, but as for the rest of the crew, I had a few ideas she was rather more amenable to.

    Which brought me to the present, where I was standing beside Itomimizu of the Foxy Pirates on the central stage, he and Foxy both eagerly allowing me to join in emceeing the proceedings. Proceedings which were currently being delayed because of the, to reiterate, miniature typhoon that was going to town on the captain of my crew. And may I just add that she was using her Clima-Tact before it could be called more than Semi-Perfect?

    "You know, your SBS really doesn't do justice for how scary that woman is," my fellow announcer murmured fearfully.

    "You think that this is bad?" I scoffed. "Please, you're watching from the sideline. Trust me, she's a lot worse when she's bearing down on you directly."

    Itomimizu started to nod, before hastily dropping to the ground as a ballistic Luffy tore through the space where his torso had been a moment earlier. "…I'll take your word for it," he whimpered.

    "Finally!" Foxy barked, grabbing Luffy and standing him up properly. "Geeze, how do you lunatics get anything done!?"

    "Very patiently," I sneered.

    "Hmph," the fox-themed pirate snorted before waving his hand. "Well, my patience is at an end. Let's get this show on the road!"

    I gave Luffy a pleading look. "Do I have to?"

    "Shishishi! Heck yeah!" Luffy said, grinning like a… well, a D. "This is gonna be fun! No reason the world should miss out, right?"

    I rolled my eyes, my mouth a thin line. "Right, 'fun'. That's one word for it…" Nevertheless, despite my attitude, I jerked the transceiver mike out of its cradle and started ticking down fingers. "Alright, in five, four, three, two and we are live!" I promptly flipped my mood so that it was much cheerier. "Hello, world! Once again, it's that special time! Time for me—!"

    "TO START THE SBS!"

    "GAH!" I leapt almost three feet off the ground at the sudden amplified voice before spinning around to catch sight of Itomimizu and his own snail snickering behind me.

    "I've always wanted to do that!" the big-mouthed announcer laughed.

    I ground my teeth as I clawed my hand down my face. "Why does the world seem determined to stop me from starting the SBS?!" I demanded.

    "WHY does the world seem DETERMINED to stop me from STOPPING CROSS FROM STARTING THE SBS?!" Soundbite barked with as much heat.

    "Honestly? Because it's fun!" he grinned carelessly.

    I glared at him for a second before blowing out an exasperated sigh. "Viewers, allow me to introduce you to my fellow emcee for this broadcast. Uh, how do you say your name again?"

    "Itomimizu," he said tiredly, clearly having had to correct that multiple times. "Announcer and commentator for the Foxy Pirates. Hello, world! I'm honored to say that this is the largest audience I've ever had the chance to speak to!" He capped it off with a bow.

    "And why does he have this chance? Because due to a deplorable and utterly unwarranted offense on the part of the Foxy Pirates' Captain, Foxy the Silver Fox—" I cast a glower at the split-head, to which he responded with a sneer. "—our captain has accepted the challenge of a three-round Davy Back Fight. For those unaware, this is a game designed for pirates and by pirates to strengthen their crews. Three basic rules apply: after each round, the winning crew's captain gets to select one member from the opposing crew to join theirs, or else take their Jolly Roger, and while this might not seem so bad, one must remember that the Jolly Roger is the pride of a ship: if it is lost, then that symbol may never be flown again. And finally, any lost crewmates or flags can be reclaimed only through a Davy Back Fight or through some form of exorbitant circumstances, though those are few and far between.

    "I should clarify right now that our captain accepted this for two reasons: to get back at Foxy for the aforementioned offense, and because he has complete faith in his crew—

    "THAT'S US!" Soundbite piped up.

    "—to get through these challenges. And, well…" I let myself smile. "How could we object to a show of faith like that?" I promptly dropped my smile into a scowl. "Though honestly, I really wish he'd just chosen to beat the split-head's face in then and there." I was gratified to see that my comment sent Foxy spiralling to his knees in misery. "This game is still a hell of a risk, and because we're staking our pride on it, that means that if we get taken, either we stick with these bastards until the end or we butt out of the pirate life forever, and I don't know which is worse! I mean, c'mon!" I waved my hand desperately. "Who the hell thought that this game was a good idea anyways!?"

    "I'D LIKE to know that—Dot dot dot dot!—too! OOH, LUCKY US! WE'RE GETTING AN ANSWER NOW!"

    "Or maybe it's just someone calling in to insult us. Either way, you're live on the SBS!"

    "Gurararara, glad to be here," boomed a chuckle on the other end that I instantly recognized. My entire body froze up, and I noticed that a significant portion of onlookers—Zoro, Sanji, and Robin included—seemed petrified in shock.

    "Now, then, let me educate you, brat," the voice on the other end stated. "The Back Fight was started so that the stronger pirates in the world could bolster their crews without active bloodshed, and it's been in use for decades, even before Roger got his crown. And nowadays, Linlin and Kaido tend to use it in place of open warfare, both so as to avoid ripping the New World to shreds and so that neither of them is left vulnerable for the Marines and Warlords. Of course, considering the sheer scales of their operations, they stake whole crews at a time instead of just one person. Personally, I'd rather die than risk losing one of my sons, no matter how confident I am in their capabilities, and that Red-Haired brat is the same. But even though I don't play it, I can appreciate an alternative to just blowing each other's brains out. Got it?"

    "…Yeah, that… that makes sense," I croaked weakly, only just managing to get my voice to work.

    "Gurarararara! I thought you were bolder than this, brat. You didn't hesitate to provoke a Warlord, or to insult my alcohol tolerance. What happened to all that bravado?"

    My gut slowly began to boil as a manic grin spread across my face. "Fine, then. You want bravado, old man? How's thi—MMPH!" I was cut off by a disembodied hand clamping over my mouth.

    A glance at Robin showed her to be mouthing 'I will end you,' with the utmost sincerity.

    "Mmph…" I grumbled for a second before nodding, prompting her to release me. "Tsk. Apparently my crewmates don't appreciate the value of impressing someone like you. Well, if nothing else, let me say this: thanks for what you did for…" I trailed off, unable to find a way to say it without giving too much away. "Look, you're a smart man and I'm sure he never shut up about the lovable moron, so I trust you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he was in a dark place and you gave him something he was looking for his entire life, and I…" I glanced at Luffy, who promptly smiled and nodded eagerly. "And we really appreciate it."

    "Gurararara. It's my pleasure, I assure you. By the way, I have a message for you as well. Or at least, to be delivered through your broadcast."

    I started to utter my agreement, before freezing as a thought struck me, followed by another scowl. At this rate, I was going to have frown lines at thirty. "Considering how this broadcast is truly global and I'm certain that he would never miss it for the world? Better make that two messages."

    "…feh, who the hell says you aren't smart, brat. Alright, then… First, to my idiot wayward son… it doesn't matter to me what you do or when you come back, only that you do so alive." He let it hang there, and Luffy's grin could have split his face. Then the man on the other end spoke again. "And you."

    Shudders came from the entire crowd; that one word carried the message perfectly clearly. A few seconds of perfect silence followed.

    "Well, I've said enough. But one more thing: Monkey D. Luffy. I heard once that the chances of you accepting an invitation to become one of my sons was as likely as me swearing off alcohol. Why would that be?"

    "Shishishi! That's easy: because I can't have a captain! After all, being the King of the Pirates means being on top!" he declared with perfect certainty.

    I allowed a goofy grin to spread over my face for a second. Man, it didn't matter how many times he said it, but that wave of fact just never ever got old.

    "…GURARARARARA!" the man talking through the snail bellowed. "Cheeky brat… but if you didn't have enough conviction to say it to me, much less the rest of the world, then you may as well have just given up now." He grinned. "See you in the New World."

    "See you there, old man!" Luffy chortled. Then, as Soundbite let out a 'KA-LICK!', the most interesting caller the SBS had had to date disconnected.

    "… I chose the right man to follow as my captain," Zoro said with a bestial grin.

    "I both agree and vehemently beg to differ, Roronoa," Robin breathed numbly.

    "… I never thought I'd see the day where I'd agree with Mosshead over Robin-chwan, but here it is," Sanji said, swiftly incinerating a cigarette to calm his nerves.

    Foxy, for his part, was doing his best impression of an ice sculpture: pale as a ghost and completely unmoving. I smirked smugly before speaking loudly and clearly. "What's the matter, Foxy? Do you not have enough conviction to outright challenge Edward 'How the heck is he not a D.' Newgate? Or, as the world better knows him… Whitebeard?"

    Every single member of the crews that had not realized who was speaking then reacted accordingly. Several members fainted, some going as far as foaming at the mouth, others settled for letting their jaws dropping to the ground in shock, and the vast majority belted out particularly boisterous 'WHAT!'s.

    Conis, for her part, looked at a yet-shellshocked Nami. "Is he meant to be important?"

    Nami snapped her gaze to Conis in shock. "How do you not—!?" She cut herself off with a slap to her forehead. "Right, cultural segregation. Whitebeard is one of the four most powerful people on the planet; he is to us what Eneru was to you."

    That got Conis to pale in terror, while Su sniffed carelessly. "He didn't seem that impressive."

    "Care to repeat that, furball?"

    "AGH!" Su yowled as she latched herself onto Conis's shoulder. "I'm so sorry Mister Whitebeard sir please don't—huh?" She cut herself off before snarling and glaring daggers at a cackling Soundbite. "OH, SCREW YOU, SLIMEBALL!"

    "SCREW YOU, FURBALL, that was funny!" Soundbite howled. I would have voiced my agreement with the gastropod, but I was too busy pounding the ground laughing my own head off.

    "Hey, split-head! Hellooooo?" Luffy said, waving his hand in the petrified fox's face. He remained unresponsive.

    Slowly getting to my feet, I sighed, securing my headphones over my ears. "Foxy seems to have been literally stunned with shock. Well, only one thing for it, then; we can't keep everyone waiting for too long. Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I would recommend covering your ears. This is gonna hurt."

    I waited for all of one second before pressing the button.

    BWAAAAAAAAAH!

    I snickered at the chorus of agonized cries that arose in response to the blare. "I love this thing…"

    "WE KNOW!" the whole of the crowd roared furiously.

    Despite everyone's indignancy, the foghorn had done its job, and Foxy was looking every which way before his eyes settled on me, and he frowned. I, however, spoke before he could. "Now, if you're done playing a statue, can we get this started?" I demanded.

    Foxy leveled a glare at me for a minute longer before huffing and folding his arms. "Yes, we've delayed this long enough. Itomimizu!" he called, pronouncing the name flawlessly.

    "Aye-aye, Captain!" The big-mouth snapped up a salute before addressing the mic I was holding. "Alright! The captains will now vow to the three articles of defeat! First, any crewmates claimed by the game may only be reclaimed through the game." He gave me a pointed look, which I responded to by sticking out my tongue in a very mature manner. "Second, once a crewmate has been claimed, they must immediately swear their allegiance to their new captain! And third, a stolen flag may never be displayed again unless reclaimed through the game! Those who disobey these rules will forevermore be viewed as disgraces to piracy, and will be sentenced to Davy Jones' locker for all eternity! And considering the size of our audience this time, that really means something! So!" He shot a grin at our captains. "Do you so swear by these articles?"

    Foxy grinned confidently. "I swear."

    I gave Luffy a final pleading look. Luffy, in turn, gave me a cocky thumbs-up before shooting his fist in the air. "I swear!"

    I sighed in defeat as the Foxy's crew cheered victoriously before shrugging and grinning in a bittersweet manner. "Well, in for a beri, in for them all. Might as well go whole hog!" I dug around in my pocket for a second before drawing out three ฿1 coins and holding them up for all to see. "As in accordance with tradition, I hereby dedicate these coins, and thus this three coin game—" I flung my arm out, tossing the coins into the churning surf. "—TO DAVY JONES! LET THE DAVY BACK FIGHT COMMENCE!"

    "That's the spirit, Cross!" Luffy grinned. I sighed, smiling, before walking back to the rest of our crew with Luffy.

    "Why, exactly, do you deem it a good idea to throw money away?" Nami asked as soon as I was in earshot, glowering at me.

    "Why, exactly, do you deem it worth noting that I threw away ฿3 when we have a couple billion on the Merry?" I countered.

    She grimaced for a few more seconds before sighing in defeat. "Point taken." She then proceeded to cave Luffy's face in once more for good measure before storming off. The rest of the crew locked eyes with me before nodding and walking off, pointedly in any direction but towards Nami.

    As I walked, I smirked; Foxy may have had every dirty trick in the book up his sleeve to push the rules to the breaking point, but a bit of warning on my part was all that the crew needed to combat the worst of it. I wasn't above suspicion that they might do things differently than they had in the story, but the three games were the same, and that was enough. For all that I dreaded this, I knew that we would win.

    It was with those cheery thoughts that I walked towards Itomimizu, who was preparing to mount his bird. "Say, can he support both of us?"

    "Hmm? Oh! Um… can you, Chuchun?"

    The bird nodded. "Chi—should be able to—huh?!" He whipped his wings to his beak with a squawk.

    I raised an eyebrow at Soundbite. "Al Roker?"

    "He's helping to REPORT, right?"

    I shrugged. "Eh, fair enough. Well, Chuchun, I hope you enjoy being able to speak for the duration of this game."

    The bird looked like his birthday had come early. "Thanks, guys! I'll never eat a snail again!"

    "You have no idea how much of a relief that is…" the snail at Itomimizu's side muttered.

    "Transponder Snails don't count and you know it, Chubby!"

    "HEY!" Soundbite barked.

    "Actually, that is what I call him," Itomimizu confirmed.

    "And I do tend to pig out on the pudding," Chubby admitted.

    "Withdrawn… for now."

    "Well, anyway!" Chuchun flapped his wings. "If there's nothing else to discuss, then let's get to it!"

    Soundbite and I grinned in synch as I mounted Chuchun, taking care that Soundbite and my bag were secure before the bird took to the sky.

    And I have to admit, I lost a lot of my anxiety for the next few minutes while circling around, waiting for the Donut Race to begin. I mean, I was flying, for crying out loud, in a way that actually let me take in the sights below without zooming past them! Seeing the world from this high up? It was enough to make me consider—and I mean seriously consider, taking into account the resources we had on hand—asking Usopp to try building a jetpack.

    Ultimately, however, I decided that it would be best to shelve the idea. While Usopp's inventing streak so far was holding up pretty well, I didn't want to risk falling within that 1% of error. And besides, we'd be meeting up with someone a lot more capable of developing that particular innovation sooner rather than later.

    Alas, however, my enjoyment came to an abrupt end as Itomimizu began speaking again. "Alright, everyone! Round One of the Davy Back Fight is the obstacle boat race around the island, known as the Donut Race! Both teams have received two oars and three barrels with which to construct their vessels. The materials are completely identical and have been inspected by both crews, so each boat's performance is guaranteed to depend entirely upon the skills of the teams and their crew's shipwrights! The teams and their boats are ready and waiting at the starting line, so let's introduce them!"

    "Right," I nodded in agreement. "On the Straw Hat Pirates' team, we have our navigator Nami, mistress of all things weather-based; one of our five ship's guards Raphey, the sai-wielding Kung Fu Dugong lad-ette; and our gunner Conis, the bazooka-wielder from the sky! And their boat's name is… the Barrel Tigress!"

    "GIRL POWER!" Raphey cheered, pumping her fist in the air as she balanced on the lip of her vessel.

    "I'd feel a lot more confident if this thing didn't feel like it was about to come apart under us…" Nami muttered darkly as she rapped her fist on a seam in the boat.

    "Sorry, but Usopp and I only had a few minutes to set this up, and my father and I only rarely worked on Wavers, so it was new territory for me," Conis apologized from the back of the boat, which was mostly occupied by the Flame Bazooka she was carrying.

    "And on the Foxy Pirates' team," Itomimizu continued. "Is our crew's diva and co-first-mate, Porche! Accompanying her are Capote the billfish fishman and Monda the star shark! Their ship is the Cutie Wagon!"

    Porche responded to the resulting cheers by blowing kisses to the crowd and waving eagerly, while Monda and Capote flexed and grandstanded proudly.

    "Personally, I might call it unfair that they've got a fishman and a shark on their team, but considering that we've got an amphibian on ours? Yeah, no room to complain."

    "NOT TO MENTION an angel AND a demon!" Soundbite put in.

    "I WILL GUT YOU, SNAIL!" Nami roared up at us.

    "HA! All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights, so long as it doesn't go outside the rules!" my fellow announcer said cheerfully. "And on that note, with both ships at the starting line, let me state just what those rules are! All you need to do is circle the island once; the first ship to make it back to the starting line wins! Beyond that, anything goes; guns, swords, cannons, and all other weapons are allowed! If you don't like it, then you shouldn't be pirates!" He then tossed a pair of objects down towards the ships. "Here! Use these Eternal Poses so you don't get lost!"

    Porche and Nami caught the poses easily, and both vessels prepared to go, with Raphey standing ready on the prow of the Barrel Tigress and Monda eagerly swishing his tail in place.

    "And if you're wondering just why they'll need those Poses when they just need to circle the island, you'll find out in a moment," I provided with a smirk. "But for now, it's time to start! Racers! On your marks!"

    "Get set…" Itomimizu said, raising a pistol.

    "Gastro-Scramble," I breathed with a smirk that Soundbite mirrored precisely.

    "DONUT!"

    The pistol fired, and it echoed everywhere beneath… except to the Foxy Pirates waiting on the coastline with weapons at the ready. Before they knew what hit them, the majority of our crew fell on them like a ton of bricks, beating them all bloody before they could fire so much as a shot.

    However, just because the Foxy's were out of commission didn't mean that all projectiles were left unfired.

    The second the pistol shot rang out, Raphey leapt at the Cutie Wagon like a bat out of hell, flinging a sai at Monda's harness. "SPEAR OF ST. GEORGE!"

    Porche recoiled in terror as the weapon neatly severed the towrope tying the shark to her vessel. "What the—!?"

    "EAT SHELL, YOU TRAP-JAWED—!" THWACK! "GAH!" Raphey's battle cry was cut short as she was tackled out of the air before she could successfully make contact with the terrified star shark.

    "Nice try, little dugong," Capote sneered at the patch of bubbles that marked where he'd swatted Raphey into the water. "But this is the Grand Line, not the backwater estuary you grew up in. You might be big stuff back home, but out here, you're no—"

    "WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!?"

    CRACK!

    "GAH!" Capote was slammed off of his crew's vessel by Raphey rocketing out of the water directly beneath him and slamming her armored skull into his far less well-protected nose.

    The pink-bandanna'd dugong snorted darkly as she wrenched her sai out of the wood of the Cutie Wagon. "Talk is cheap, needlenose." She held her weapons at ready. "Come at me."

    A moment of silence, two…

    SPLASH!

    Then Raphey only just barely managed to catch a point-blank punch from the enraged fishman with her sais.

    The dugong struggled to hold Capote at bay for a second before snapping a look back at the Tigress. "GO! THIS BASTARD'S MINE!" And with that, the aquatic martial-artists dove beneath the waves and continued their clash out of sight in their natural domain.

    "Conis!" Nami barked at the gunner.

    Conis' nervous demeanor promptly evaporated. In one smooth motion, she hoisted her bazooka off of her back, lowered the muzzle to the edge of the waterline and pulled the triggers. The gas came out first, and then—

    WHOOSH!

    A jet of blue flame rocketed the Barrel Tigress down the coast.

    Foxy stared numbly after them for a second before pulling out a megaphone and roaring at his crew's representative. "PORCHE! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME AND GET A MOVE ON ALREADY! IF WE LOSE THIS, I'M SLICING YOUR COSMETIC BUDGET IN HALF!"

    The stunned baton-wielder promptly snapped out of her funk with an enraged howl. "NOBODY JEOPARDIZES MY BEAUTY!" She promptly flung a chain-linked bit at Monda, who grabbed it out of the air. "DOUBLETIME, MONDA, NOW!"

    The shark snorted in agreement and promptly started tearing through the surf, somehow managing to keep easy pace with the Barrel Tigress.

    "Aaaaand they're off!" I crowed, the effect amplified with Soundbite's assistance. "The shark-towed Cutie Wagon and the bazooka-powered Barrel Tigress are tearing off down the coast, although both vessels are a man down due to Raphey and Capote getting into an aqua-Martial Arts brawl right at the starting line!"

    "Yeeesss…" Itomimizu drew the word out slowly as he glanced at me. "That start was really something. It's almost as if you constructed that team knowing who we'd have on ours."

    "Yeah, how could that ever happen?" I drawled impishly. "I mean, it's not like we could have been listening in on your strategy meetings. Oh, wait!"

    "All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!" Soundbite echoed with a cackle.

    "Well, can't argue with that!" Itomimizu waved us off. "Anyway, the two teams are neck and neck! Both of them are moving faster than I've ever seen for the Donut Race, they're already a quarter of the way around the island!"

    "As it stands, the Barrel Tigress is ahead… but somehow the Cutie Wagon is keeping pace!?" I blinked in shock as I took in the nonsensical sight before me. "The heck? How is a relatively small shark keeping pace with a boat powered by an outboard-thruster!?"

    The wide-mouthed announcer snickered at my reaction. "Yeah, Monda might be small, but his species is known by another name: shooting star sharks! They're some of the fastest sharks in the ocean, and without Capote's weight to hold him back, he's really showing his stuff!

    "Well… I can't say that I'm not impressed," I reluctantly admitted.

    And indeed, it was quite the impressive race. Within mere minutes, both barrel boats had reached the halfway point and were heading into the whirlpools.

    "Incredible!" Itomimizu cheered. "This is one of the most intense Donut Races I've ever seen! Already the contestants have reached the halfway point, and are heading into the whirlpools of the Long Coral Reef! They'll need to be extra careful navigating it, because the currents formed by that reef can be treacherous!"

    I glanced at my fellow announcer. "You guys have been scoping out the playing field, huh?"

    "But of course!" Chuchun nodded. "You should know more about gathering as much information as possible before a confrontation than anyone!"

    "Eh, good point, good point," I conceded, tilting my head before smirking at the new developments going on below. "In fact, I think that that particular principle is coming into play right about now."

    "Huh?" Itomimizu looked down at the race in confusion and proceeded to gasp in shock. "A shocking development! The Barrel Tigress's propulsion has just cut out, allowing the Cutie Wagon to pass them and enter the Reef! Perhaps they're having some mechanical issues?" His grin then proceeded to redouble… somehow. "And it looks like their troubles are only beginning! Here comes our Boss, Foxy the Silver Fox, no doubt bearing a genius plan through which to give us an edge!"

    "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that~!" I sang casually. I then blinked in surprise as I paid better attention to the captain of the Foxy Pirates. Or rather, his steed. "Though, wow, now that I think about it, that Hamburg guy he's riding on is seriously moving. Is… Is he even human?"

    "That's the multi-million beri question on our crew!" Itomimizu proclaimed before continuing in a normal tone. "No, seriously, that's how big the ship's pool is, we have literally no idea and neither the Boss nor Porche are answering, and they're the only ones who know! You want in? The buy-in's only a few hundred beri."

    "I'll take that action!" Soundbite snickered.

    "Let's put a pin in that for now," I interrupted as I kept my gaze focused down below. "Because quite honestly? It would appear that you and your crew have bigger concerns to worry about." I let a shark-like grin slide over my face. "Liiike the fact that the Cutie Wagon just shot out of the Reef like a cork from a bottle, while meanwhile the Barrel Tigress is once again firing on all cylinders?"

    "WHAT!?" Ito and his bird squawked simultaneously as they stared downwards, where indeed Porche and Monda were trying to enter the reef, and failing miserably. Meanwhile, Conis's Flame Bazooka had flared back up and propelled the Barrel Tigress into a different section of the Reef. Of course, Foxy chose that exact instant to attempt to interfere by firing in an impressively powerful smoke bomb… which wound up doing precisely jack squat.

    "W-What in the world!?" Itomimizu stammered as he watched the Tigress exit the cloud and effortlessly circumvent the towers of coral. "Somehow the Strawhats' team is managing to sail through the Coral Reef without even a hint of trouble! How is this possible!?"

    "Hehehe," I chuckled smugly as I stroked a nonexistent beard. "It appears that I must apologize, Itomimizu, for it would seem that my earlier comments were, shall we say, misleading? When the race started, I classified Nami as merely a mistress of weather, when in fact that statement is categorically untrue." I jabbed my finger at the sky in a triumphant manner. "Rather, our dear money-grubbing demon Nami is the absolute ruler of all things related to navigation as a whole, be they heaven, earth or sea! It would take more than a mere collection of currents to put her off her game!"

    "DAMN STRAIGHT!" Nami cheered from below, aided by Soundbite.

    Itomimizu's gaping jaw flapped uselessly for several seconds, quiet gurgling noises coming from his mouth. However, he managed to rally rather swiftly. "Well, while your navigator is admittedly impressive, I'm afraid that her skills can only go so far! After all, it'll take more than mere wits to overcome an obstacle as daunting and deep as the Long Ring Whirlpool!"

    And indeed, the Barrel Tigress was now rocketing towards the yawning (not to mention oddly shaped; seriously, the animals being laid back is one thing, but nature itself!?) abyss of the titanic whirlpool.

    I, however, refused to lose even a trace of my smugness, instead shaking my head as I tsked pitifully. "Oh, Ito, Ito, Ito… have you not listened to a single broadcast of my show? Intellect is far from the leading aspect of our crew! Rather…" I held up a finger. "Our main area of expertise lies in the field of practical insanity, or! In more common parlance…" My grin widened eagerly. "Applied. Bullshit."

    BOOM!

    And with that, the water behind the Barrel Tigress exploded, launching it clear over not only the Long Ring Whirlpool, but the barrier of the Long Ring Cape that lay behind it as well.

    I snickered as I dusted my hands off, enjoying the absolutely poleaxed expression Itomimizu was wearing at seeing the Impact Dial's result. "And that is what sets us head and shoulders above other pirate crews. For you viewers at home, I am proud to announce that the Barrel Tigress has managed to achieve a most momentous lead via the application of a little Sky Island party favor. For the sake of future combat, I won't go into details, but suffice to say that it managed to launch our crewmates past not only the whirlpool that lay ahead of them, but a rather obtrusive cape as well! Major kudos to Conis for the rather impressive maneuver!"

    Soundbite started to nod in agreement before freezing, a shocked look painting his face. "Ah… actually… that wasn't CONIS."

    "Huh?" I looked at him in surprise. "Really? But then who…" I trailed off as realization came to me. "Wait, but wouldn't that mean—? You can't be serious!"

    "LISTEN FOR YOURSELF! Though for the record, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED."

    I hastily slipped my headphones on, and not a moment too soon either.

    "SON OF A—!"

    -o-​

    "Hey, cut it out, Nojiko, what are you doing?" Chabo demanded indignantly, trying to squirm out of the blue-haired woman's grasp. Said woman had her hands clamped over the boy's ears, ignoring his demands in favor of grimacing at the fact that her sister was currently swearing her dirty mouth off to the entire. Freaking. World. Well, at least Soundbite was censoring the worst of it… sort of.

    "—BLUE-HORNED MOTHER—HONK!—ING BARNACLE-BRED PIECE OF—HEE-HAW!—WRAPPED IN A PILE OF STEAMING—DING!—AND REEKING OF SEA KING—YO-DEL-AY-HEE-HOO!—"

    "Damn it, and Dr. Nako just said that Genzo's blood pressure got back in the green…" Nojiko groaned.

    Just once, just once could her dear sister think of their poor old foster father before she acted!?

    -o-​

    "—AND IT WILL BE BY FAR THE MOST DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING SALAD THAT I WILL EVER EAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!"

    "…so glad that I can't be sued for all of this," I breathed as I finally unlatched my earphones from my head. "So glad."

    "HAMBURG, GET UP!"

    I cast my eyes downwards, and found that Hamburg was currently incapable of acting as a steed on account of how he was too busy rolling on the ground, laughing his head off as a result of what had just happened. Further application of Soundbite's skills revealed that he wasn't alone; back at the fairgrounds, almost a third of the Foxy Pirates were laughing, as were Mikey and Su, if nobody else on our crew.

    "Nami-swan is so beautiful when she's incoherently furious!" Sanji cried over the uproar that we could hear via the Transponder Snails set up over there.

    I rolled my eyes, practically capable of hearing the inevitable jab from Zoro as I directed my attention back to the Tigress. "Alright, now, Nami, if you're quite done, would you care to explain why the hell you did that? You knew about the recoil from that thing!"

    "Trust me, that's the last time I'm ever doing it, that's for damn sure, or at least the last time I grab one after the Dugongs have gotten through using it for target practice," Nami fumed for a second before sighing, a lot of the rage in her voice fading away. "But, to answer your question, Cross… I just wanted to pull my weight a bit more. Yeah, I'm proud of my navigational abilities and all that, but Raphey's still fighting that Fishman and Conis is using her Bazooka, so compared to that, doing what I do everyday doesn't feel like much. I just… wanted to make a bit more of an impact is all."

    "Well, you certainly made an impact on the Foxy Pirates," Su offered. "And the water… and your arm."

    "You do still have a full range of motion, right?" Chopper tacked in nervously.

    "Ergh, it hurts like hellfire, but yeah…"

    "Well, at least that's something," Chopper sighed in relief before becoming more serious. "Still, don't scare me like that! I tried one of those things out myself in my Heavy Point, and I can tell you now that without some serious muscle development, you ran the risk of muscular and skeletal damage, and all for nothing!"

    "Yeah, Nami, you do more than enough on the crew!" Luffy concurred eagerly. "You keep us floating and going the right way, remember?"

    "And you've wrangled the idiots of this crew more times than I can count," Vivi added.

    "To add to that one, if what you feel every day is anything like what I felt when Tonjit fell on me, trust me, that you haven't tried to light the ocean on fire by now is quite a feat."

    There was a very long, very uncomfortable pause on Nami's end.

    "Uh… You haven't tried to light the ocean on fire… right?"

    "Aheh… let's move on, shall we?"

    "Riiiight…" I trailed off for a second before shaking my head and smiling warmly. "Anyway, the point is that you contribute more than enough to this crew and you are a key part of the Strawhat Pirates. If you feel like you want to do more, then that's your prerogative. Just don't do it at the expense of your health, for all of our sakes, alright?"

    "…Yeah, alright," Nami finally admitted in a voice that plainly indicated a smile. "By the way, why hasn't Sanji said anything?"

    "The love cook finally reached the point of passing out from sheer joy," Zoro deadpanned.

    "…I honestly don't know what I expected," Nami deadpanned.

    "Ah, excuse me?" Itomimizu cut in. "As heartwarming and hilarious as all of this is, I'd like to remind you that we are still in the middle of a race here! And it seems that the Cutie Wagon is starting to catch up!"

    "What?!" I snapped my attention down to the coast of the island again, where indeed the Cutie Wagon was slowly but surely fording through the Reef's intricate current system, the riptides failing to faze Monda in the least. "But how the… hell… wait a second…" I dug a spyglass out of my bag and held it to my eye. I then proceeded to bite back a curse when I caught sight of the muzzle latched over the now-ballistic shark's nose. "That mask is full of pure chum, isn't it?"

    "Precisely!" Ito nodded in agreement. "It's a special tactic we came up with in order to force Monda into a feeding frenzy and give us a major boost of speed! It's actually quite a rare thing for us to use it, you Strawhats should be honored!"

    I ground my teeth for a second before pausing as a thought hit me. "Heeey, wait a second… aren't you guys at all worried about the fact that you're essentially broadcasting all of your cheating to the world?"

    The wide-mouth just smirked confidently. "Forewarned might be forearmed, but we're too strong and too wily for any amount of preparation to stop us! Pirate crews can come at us all they want knowing as much as they can, they'll still lose!"

    I processed that for a bit before surreptitiously covering the transceiver's mic. "Foxy told you to say that so that now you're practically guaranteed to get crews flocking to you for Back Fights who all think they stand a chance while only knowing a fraction of your arsenal, didn't he."

    Itomimizu's smile somehow managed to widen. "Say what you will about the Boss, but you have to admit, when it comes to pure, dirty, low-down trickery, he's utterly unmatched! Truly he's a pirate's pirate!"

    "Well, at least he's persistent in quantity…" I uttered under my breath before uncovering the mic. "Anyway, back to the race! Nami, Conis, you need to get a move on!"

    "Sorry, needed a second to change my Bazooka's Dials!" Conis apologized. "Alright, we're back on!" And with that, the Barrel Tigress's thruster roared to life again and started rocketing our team down the coast, all while the Cutie Wagon rounded around the tip of the Long Cape.

    All too soon the two vessels wound up in a deadlock once again, with the Tigress staying firmly in the lead but the Cutie Wagon steadfastly refusing to lose any ground.

    And through it all, Hamburg managed to keep pace with the two vessels, bearing Foxy on his back without any trouble. In fact, he even managed to overtake the Tigress, keeping well ahead of our crew's team while Foxy raised his arm and oh shit!

    "Slow-Slow—!"

    "Ah-ah-ah-IT WOULD APPEAR THAT CAPTAIN SPLIT-HEAD IS TRYING SOMETHING!" I bellowed desperately.

    Foxy promptly collapsed in despair. "S-Split-he—ARGH!" Which proved to be an ill-advised move, seeing as he promptly lost his balance and fell beneath Hamburg, which got him tangled up in the larger figure's limbs and wound up with both of them falling into an uncontrolled tumble.

    "BOSS!" Itomimizu shrieked in panic.

    "PFHAHAHA!" I laughed in equal parts amusement and relief. "Oh, wow, I wish you could have seen that, viewers, because that little spectacle we just witnessed, it is one for the blooper reels! PFHAHAHA!"

    "Why, you—you did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Ito yelled in outrage. "Have you no heart!?"

    "ONCE AGAIN, all's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!"

    "STOP USING MY OWN WORDS AGAINST ME!"

    "Why? YOU SAID that all's fair in love, war—"

    "GAH!" Ito yanked his hat down in outrage before nearly giving me mood whiplash by snapping back to cheerful as he pointed back below. "Oh, it looks like the two ships have finally stopped their stalemate, and the Cutie Wagon is pulling ahead!"

    I quickly looked back down, and saw that unfortunately, he was right; the berserk shark was pulling up to the Tigress due to Conis' bazooka emitting smoke rather than flame. Looking more closely, I could see the problem.

    "Ugh… looks like Porche has somehow managed to clog the Flame Bazooka's air intake with what look like metal flowers!"

    "That's Porche's Flower Shuriken move!" Itomimizu announced proudly. "As elegant and deadly as she is beautiful! Truly befitting of the diva of our crew! And now it looks like the Cutie Wagon is—!"

    Conis promptly rammed the bazooka's end against the lip of her vessel. It caused the wood to crack a bit, sure, but it also dislodged the metal flowers from the weapon, allowing her to reignite the vessel's thruster and resume forward momentum.

    "Tied with the Barrel Tigress!" I cut in hastily, leaning forwards in an attempt to get a better look. "Both vessels are literally neck-and-neck! It's a deadlock, folks, and neither party appears to be intent on letting the other change that anytime soon!"

    Ito started to nod before gasping when the Barrel Tigress suddenly swung right, slamming the majority of its bulk into the Cutie Wagon. "Well it looks like the Strawhats are determined to break it! Your navigator is going in for some CQC with Porche! Such brutality, is she even a woman!? Maybe I should ask her to show me proof that she is!" He paused and paled. "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!"

    Soundbite roared with laughter…

    ZAP! "SQUARK!"

    Before yelping in terror when a bolt of lightning came within an inch of zapping us all.

    "WOULD YOU BASTARDS CARE TO REPEAT THAT!?"

    "Didn't think that through, didja?" I snarled at Soundbite as I tried to unclench my arms from around Chuchun's neck.

    "EE-nope!" he replied from the safety of his shivering shell.

    Meanwhile, far below us, Nami and Porche were going at one another with gusto, Clima-Tact clashing against a no doubt thoroughly reinforced baton in what was, quite frankly, a stunning demonstration of both skill and acrobatics.

    "Well, that aside, it is an impressive catfight that's happening between the Foxy Pirates' diva and the Straw Hat Pirates' second mate!" I commentated. "A baton strike blocked here, a staff strike parried there, shurikens and lightning—"

    "VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!" Soundbite chimed in.

    "Galileo—GAH!" I shot a glare at Soundbite, who only cackled madly. "Grgh… anyway, back to the fi—" I cut myself off with a choked gurgle at a new development, which Itomimizu eagerly capitalized on.

    "Well, well! A well-aimed strike to Conis' right temple from Porche's baton has sent the Strawhat's gunner for a loop and disabled their engine, meaning that they're now falling behind while the Cutie Wagon is proceeding undeterred!"

    "BUT it looks like Conis is recovering quickly!" I cut in, watching as Conis righted herself with a slightly dizzy shake of her head before resuming her position. "And just like that, the bazooka's gunning again, and the Cutie Wagon is quickly losing her lead!"

    Porche clearly didn't like that judging from the murderous look in her eyes as Nami spun her Clima-Tact, clearly ready to go another round of Whack-a-Fox. But as they neared each other, Porche's eyes widened, and then she smirked before jerking at the bit in Monda's mouth, steering him away. Nami blinked in confusion, but then snapped her head towards the shore, where Foxy and Hamburg had caught up, the former poised to fire again. This time, with Itomimizu watching me, I didn't say a word, but the fact that I was grinning like a lunatic clearly unnerved him.

    "In case you're wondering about why I'm grinning…" I started slowly. "I'd just like to remind you. Talking strategy while Soundbite and I are anywhere nearby?"

    "Slow-Slow Beam!" Foxy shouted from below, sending wave after wave of the unnatural particles at our crewmates.

    "It's a good way to end your plans before they even start," I finished, Soundbite's grin matching mine in wideness and maliciousness. Then I turned my attention back to the mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that Foxy the Silver Fox is attempting to use his Devil Fruit powers against the Barrel Tigress: the Slow-Slow Fruit, enabling him to fire a beam that slows down anything it hits! Unfortunately for him, we happen to have its weakness handy!"

    Nami's grin was no less wide than mine as, with the beams approaching, she picked something up from the floor of the barrel and held it in front of her: a mirror. And as the beams reflected, I looked at Foxy to see his reaction, and—

    … OK, it wasn't Eneru-grade, that was impossible to top. Still, Foxy's expression at seeing that we had the counter for his Devil Fruit powers was still a freaking hilarious close second. With the beams reflected harmlessly away, the two vessels tore down the final stretch of the coast towards the rapidly-approaching finish line. The Cutie Wagon's swerve had served to cut their lead down enough so that the Tigress was right on their tail, and even from way on high I could see that Monda was starting to tire. Inch after inch the Wagon lost ground and inch after inch the Tigress took it, pulling ahead more and more.

    When without warning, the Tigress suddenly jerked to a halt, almost flinging Conis and Nami from the ship. The pair exchanged panicked looks as the Cutie Wagon tore ahead, but even though Conis regained her balance and doubled the intensity of her Flame Bazooka, the ship just wasn't moving forward. It was as if the water was… fighting against them shit when had that bastard started shooting?!

    "Guys, the be—MMPH!"

    "Look, I'll be honest," Itomimizu growled, one hand clenched over my mouth while his arm encircled my neck. "I like you, you're a great guy with a great sense of humor and an even better sense of dramatic timing, but for now, I'm going to need you to shut up!"

    "LET GO of my partner!" Soundbite snapped.

    "Not until we wi—ghrk!"

    I bashed my elbow into his face, regretting for the umpteenth time that my armor wasn't ready yet as the pain jabbed through my arm. But he kept a firm grip on my jaw, so I kept flinging, and he started hitting back.

    …Brawling in midair on the back of a giant bird. Somehow, I wasn't even remotely surprised. But, thankfully, I finally managed to free my mouth and bellow out, "THE WATER! THE BEAMS WORK ON THE WAT—MMPH!" I was then cut off by Itomimizu shoving his forearm in my mouth, but by that point the damage was thankfully done.

    "Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!" Soundbite barked out in my voice.

    During my struggle with my co-announcer, I managed to catch sight of an explosion in the fairground, followed by a blur of white headed straight at Foxy…

    CRACK!

    Only for it to be batted away thanks to Hamburg moving faster than any being his size had the right to, drawing a metal club and striking the projectile in the space of a second.

    The next few seconds were something of a blur as Ito and I both brawled and did our best to balance on Chuchun's back, the damn thing doing its best to sway the fight in its partner's favor however it could manage—

    "POP-FLY! INCOMING!"

    Before Soundbite let out a panicked yelp and snapped into his shell, prompting the three of us to freeze as we processed what he had said. Then we processed the sight of a baseball coming up right next to us. In the air.

    "Uh-oh…" the giga-bird whimpered in terror.

    "I don't say this often…" I groaned. "But this… this bites."

    "Heh, title dro—!"

    BOOM!

    Normally I wouldn't wake up any time soon after getting hit by a blast like that, but thankfully I had several factors on my side.

    Namely, a metric ton of wind blasting in my face as I dropped at terminal velocity and a loud-mouthed snail wailing in my ear.

    When I did finally come to, however, it was to the sight of the ground coming at me really really really really FAST OH SHIT FUCK!

    "LUUUUUFFYYYYY!" I screamed as I flailed desperately.

    I was half a second from belly flopping onto the green grass when suddenly my vision was filled with rubber and a red vest. "GUM-GUM BALLOON!"

    I struggled uncomfortably for a second before Luffy's distended belly recoiled, bouncing me back up into the air for a scant moment during which I flailed desperately. On the plus side, I didn't belly-flop onto the grass.

    On the minus, that was because I landed on my head.

    I laid groaning on the ground for a second before slowly cracking an eye open to stare at Zoro, who was standing over me and looking at me curiously. "Did we win?" I asked in a dizzy tone of voice.

    An uproar of cheers from the fairground answered that question for me.

    "…shit."

    -o-​

    A minute later found the two crews assembled on different sides of an unspoken line, an uneasy truce having been set for the moment so that we could take the time to give medical aid to our injured crewmembers. And damn, did we need it.

    "Well, that wasn't particularly fun…" I groused as I craned my neck back and forth, doing my best to massage my throbbing spine. "And I wasn't even a part of the freaking race!"

    "Yeah, well, I promise you that it wasn't any more fun at ground zero, either," Nami hissed as she held an icepack to a lump that was starting to form on her skull.

    "Agreed…" Conis nodded, inasmuch as she could with Chopper slowly wrapping a bandage around her head.

    "By the way, I was kind of busy flying around the island and then falling so I missed it, but how's Raphey doing?" I asked.

    "Well…"

    "LET ME AT 'IM! LET ME AT 'IM!"

    I glanced back to see the dugong in question attempting to charge towards the Foxy's, more specifically at the giant-fishman hybrid Big Pan, who was holding an equally-struggling Capote in his hands. I say 'attempting' because the other three students were hanging off of her doing their best to hold her back.

    "That's the concussion talking, Raphey, don't listen to it!" Mikey pleaded.

    "I DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA CAVE THAT—!"

    All of a sudden, she jerked before slumping forward, revealing a syringe sticking out of her neck and a grumpy-looking Chopper behind her.

    "Good thing I restocked on sedative back at G-8," he muttered. "It looks like I'm going to be needing a lot of it."

    "You think we could borrow some of that?" Porche called over to us. "We'd do the same for our guy, but as you can see…" She glanced warily up at her struggling crewmate. "Our docs think he might be starting to build a tolerance."

    "Eh…" Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Have you considered a… 'manual override'?" He made air quotations with his hooves.

    "Are you nuts?!" one of the Foxy doctors (who did not look the part) demanded incredulously. "That could give him a serious concussion!"

    "Rebuttal!" Chopper jabbed his hoof up. "He's a fishman."

    The doctor made to respond, but trailed off thoughtfully instead. After a second, he nodded in acceptance. "Good point." He then waved up at the hybrid. "Hey, Big Pan! One Monster Burger, stat!"

    The large fellow blinked stupidly down at the doctor for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. He then proceeded to raise one of his hands off of Capote—

    SLAM! "GAH!"

    Before clapping it down on him full force, reducing his fellow fishman to an insensate mess.

    I cocked my head to the side. "…How long did it take him to learn that?"

    Porche grimaced and kneaded the bridge of her nose. "Longer than any of us are willing to admit…"

    I chuckled slightly at that comment before pausing as I noticed Sanji and Zoro doing the same. "The hell are you two laughing at? You're fighting him next round!" That got them to sober up pretty fast.

    That… and a particularly unwelcome voice.

    "Well, I think that's been quite long enough!"

    I and most of our crew scowled darkly as Foxy marched out of the throngs of his own men, leering at us maliciously.

    "You can't delay any longer," he announced smugly. "It's time."

    "INDEED!" Itomimizu belted out in agreement, popping up next to his captain with his own snail at the ready, looking as though he'd come straight off of the set of a mummy movie. Turns out that even a rapidly-readied fireman's trampoline won't do you much good when you hit it at a little under terminal velocity. "As we've won the Donut Race, it is now our right to choose a member of your crew! They're all yours, Boss!"

    I grimaced and slowly walked to stand behind Chopper, bracing myself for the inevitable.

    Foxy's smirk doubled in size as he stepped forward and slowly raised a hand to point at us. "It took some thinking, but I've already made my decision! The one I choose… is you!"

    I laid a comforting hand on Chopper's hat, causing him to glance upwards with fearful eyes. "Sorry, little buddy. Just stay strong and—"

    "The ship's tactician, Jeremiah Cross!"

    "—we'll get you back soo—WHAT THE FUCK!?" I swapped to a panicked bellow as I stared at Foxy in confusion.

    "What!?" Nami and Vivi chorused in horror.

    "OH, SHIT!" Soundbite yelped.

    Foxy smirked in a vulpine manner, crossing his arms imperiously. "You screwed me over a lot during that race, Cross. I both respect and abhor that. So now, not only are you no longer a thorn in my side, you're going to be one in all of my enemies! Fehfehfehfehfeh!"

    "Phrasing, captain!" Porche interjected, while Hamburg barely managed to cover his snickering.

    Foxy grimaced before rallying. "Now, c'mon." He gestured for me to come forwards. "I've already shown you more courtesy than I do most by not having you dragged over. Gather your pets and come accept your defeat with dignity."

    And just like that, several pieces clicked into place for me, and I dug my fingers into my palm in an effort to keep my cool. "…No," I said coldly.

    That response got Foxy and Zoro glaring at me.

    "Cross…" Zoro started testily.

    "You dare disrespect ze laws of the Davy Back Fight!?" Foxy demanded.

    "On the contrary!" I called back, pumping steel into my voice. I then proceeded to remove Soundbite from my shoulder and place him on Chopper's hat and drop my bag and Lassoo's strap to the ground. "The only one who's disobeying them here is you, Boss." I grit out the last word as though it were a curse, and quite honestly it might as well have been.

    "Huh!?" Foxy jerked in confusion. "What ze hell are you talking about!?"

    "Simple," I gestured at the shell-shocked Devil Fruit-using animals who were staring at me. "Soundbite and Lassoo are my partners, not my pets, and as my partner Soundbite has an equal stake in the SBS. If you want to control the SBS or get your hands on Soundbite or Lassoo, then you'll have to win again and call their names, but right now? You don't get any three-for-ones or do-overs." I jabbed my thumb at my chest. "You called for me, and you got me. Take it, or give me an honorable discharge so that I can go back."

    Foxy ground his teeth as he realized that he'd been played. "The dugongs and dog are one thing, but a snail being a genuine crewmate!? Bah!" He ultimately flung his hand up dismissively, though I could still see his jaw twitching with repressed anger. "It is of no matter, we'll just have to win the next game, too! And in the meantime…" He pointed at me firmly. "I stand by my choice! By the laws of the game, you are now my crewmate!"

    "Joy," I drawled. And so, without further ado, I started marching towards the crowd of masked pirates.

    "What the hell are you doing, Cross?!" Vivi demanded incredulously, drawing me up short.

    "Y-Yeah, Cross!" Mikey concurred. "This isn't like you! How come you aren't ranting or raving o-o-or ripping into these bastards like you always do!?"

    "Why aren't you doing anything!?" Chopper cried, obviously fighting back tears. "Y-You're being taken away from us! Y-You're being stolen! D-Don't you c-care at all!?"

    I rolled my eyes as I folded my arms behind my head. "Nope. Not even a bit."

    "What!?" Conis gasped in shock.

    "Cross—!" Nami started.

    "Geeze, you guys…" I groaned as I dug a finger into my ear. "Look, you're all making a big deal out of absolutely nothing. I mean, come on, it's not like I'm leaving forever, you know?"

    "What?!" over half of the Strawhats cried in confusion.

    "WHAT!?" Foxy bellowed in outrage.

    "Well, yeah?" I said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, come on. I'm gonna be on their crew for, what, an hour or two, maybe less? Then you guys are gonna stomp whoever the hell they send at you for Round Two into the ground in, like, ten seconds and then I'll be a Strawhat again. Come on, guys." I spread my hands helplessly. "It isn't that hard."

    "Shishishi, yeah, guys!" Luffy scratched his finger beneath his nose, having been one of the only members of the crew who hadn't reacted negatively to my nonchalance. "You're all acting kinda stupid, you know?"

    "Hypocritical though that would normally be coming from his mouth, he does have a point this time; considering that Luffy's fighting split-head one-on-one and Boss, Mosshead and I are taking on the next game, there's not much chance of us losing again," Sanji shrugged.

    "And besides," Boss said gruffly as he bit down on a cigar and ignited it with a single click of his flint. "So we lose once, so what? It'll just make our inevitable victory all the sweeter. And for the record, that's not a Man's Romance." He blew out a cloud of smoke as he stared down the Foxy's. "That's a damn fact."

    A loud, audible gulp seemed to come from every member of the Foxy's.

    "Well, anyway, I gotta be goin' for now. See you." I waved goodbye over my shoulder as I walked over to Foxy and popped off a careless, two-fingered salute and as sarcastically honest of a grin as I could manage. "Hi, I'm Jeremiah Cross, your new tactician. Please take good care of me."

    Foxy glared at me for a second before twitching his mouth into a wry grin. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?" he asked blandly.

    "Oh, no no no…" I shook my head solemnly. "Nothing like that, nothing like that at all." I allowed a glint of defiance to enter my expression. "I'm going to be gone long before you can even conceive of labelling me as 'difficult'."

    The Silver Fox's grin widened into one of malevolent amusement for a second before snapping his fingers. "Porche."

    "Yes, Boss?" the diva asked.

    "Take Cross back to the Sexy Foxy, get him dressed and get him a bunk. Ah, and…" He stopped her when she started to walk towards the ship, his gaze never leaving me. "Make it a good bunk, at that. After all, we want our newest recruit to be nice and… comfortable."

    She stared at Foxy for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. "You got it, Boss." She then gestured at me to follow her, and I did so without question, following her to the titanic beast that this crew called a ship.

    "Just for the record," I spoke up as we walked. "I get that the mask thing is a part of the dress code, but you're really going to have to pull out all the stops if you're going to put one on me."

    -o-​

    "…Alright, I'll admit it," I mused as I fingered the mask over my face. "I am impressed. This does not look half-bad."

    "You honestly think we got this many crewmates without figuring out how to make the uniforms work for everyone?" Porche giggled.

    I shrugged in acceptance as I took in my appearance; temporary though I had absolutely no doubt that it was, I had to admit that if it was necessary, I could damn well get used to it. I honestly never thought that I'd be caught dead wearing a hoodie with fox ears of all things, much less a mask sewn into the hood, but there I was wearing a dark gray one with orange highlights and a pair of trackpants to match. Honestly, I think the most impressive bit was how they'd managed to work it so that I could still keep my cap on, even in spite of the mask.

    Once I was done with my inspection, I gave Porche a satisfied nod. "Very nice, I think I'll hang on to it when I go back to the Strawhats."

    Without warning, Porche's good mood evaporated into a childish pout. "You don't have to be so eager about returning to your friends, you know. After all, you don't need to worry about being split up. The Boss isn't going to stop playing the Back Fight with your crew until we have you all, so all you need to do is wait and you'll all be back together again."

    "You're only half-right, Porche," I said casually. "The odds of your crew winning the next game are very slim, but not zero. But the odds of your captain managing to beat mine? Well…" I shrugged casually. "Compare their reactions to talking to the strongest man in the world, and tell me that you don't believe my captain is the better one."

    I smirked at her as her pout deepened into something like anger. "Let me put it to you this way: the sole reason I exist in this world—the reason I came into this world in the first place, this world of piracy—is so that I could sail under the flag of Monkey D. Luffy, who is Gold Roger's successor. And nothing, short of death, will stop me from getting back to him."

    Porche's anger faltered, and she stared at me with wide eyes for a few seconds. "… Nobody else has ever been that bold," she muttered in awe. Then her demeanor switched again to something… I dunno, it just seemed woah she was close!

    "But, you know, you should try opening your mind to the possibilities. You never know what you could be missing out on," she crooned, rubbing up against me and that was a hand hell no!

    I backed away as far as I could and fumbled for my baton, before realizing that Usopp still had it, prompting me to switch tactics. "Oookay… quick question: are you truly dedicated to the pirate life? To the point of putting your life on the line?"

    Porche blinked at me before smiling. "Of course I am. Hamburg and I joined the Boss of our own free will, we knew and know what this life's risks are."

    "Good, perfect, glad to hear that, I really am, because that means you have no right to complain about the following statement." I grabbed her collar and yanked her close, so that she could not mistake the deadly expression on my face. "Try that shit with me again and I will ram that icepick you call a nose right back into your brain."

    Porche immediately stiffened, blinking at me in surprise before adopting a neutral and entirely unafraid expression and crossing her arms. "Huh. So, you actually are a decent human being."

    It took me a second to fully process what she was saying, but once I did I let my face fall blank as I released her and took a step back. "And you actually have a brain in your head, and this was most likely a test you do on all new recruits."

    We stared flatly at each other for a moment before I extended my hand. "Truce?"

    "Truce." She shook my hand in agreement before pointing her thumb over her shoulder. "Come on, I'll show you to the bunk section you'll be sleeping in. East Blue, right?"

    "Eh," I waved my hand side to side as I followed her. "Mind if I check out your library if you have one instead? I won't be staying long, so I wanna get some reading in before Round Two starts… When does that start, anyway?"

    "Two hour intermission so that everyone can unwind and have some fun," Porche promptly answered with a grin. "We love our Back Fights. And sure, it's this way." She turned down a corridor. "Though fair warning, this means that there's a good chance your old crew will take the good bunks once they join."

    "You wi~ish," I sang casually.

    A minute of navigating the ship's insanely circuitous corridors later, she let me into a highly impressive library. Not Sunny standards, no, but definitely impressive nonetheless.

    "Damn…" I whistled in awe as I took in the shelves of books. "Whatever the hell you're paying your shipwrights, it's nowhere near enough."

    "Yeah, yeah…" Porche muttered from the doorway before heaving a sigh. "Alright, Cross, look, I really don't think I should be doing this considering how deep in denial you are, but there's a… policy we Foxy Pirates have you should be aware of."

    "Huh?" I glanced back at her in confusion. "You mean besides the masks?"

    She rolled her eyes. "Yes, besides the masks." She then held up a finger. "All new crewmates get one chance to cheat."

    Now that brought me up short. "Come again?"

    "One. Chance. To cheat," Porche slowly repeated. "You have the option, in this Back Fight and this Back Fight alone, to try and sabotage our crew as we proceed to defeat your old one. If you try and pull anything at any other point, then it will be considered mutiny and you will suffer the consequences, but today?" She raised one finger to emphasize it. "You get one free pass."

    I blinked several times as I processed that. "…Foxy actually allows that?"

    Porche huffed as she turned away. "The Boss," she said, emphasizing the title. "Isn't a sadist. This is a mercy he gives new recruits. One last glimmer of hope, one last chance to leave." She waved her hand casually. "Of course, it's never actually worked because we're just that good, but it's the thought that counts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to reload my baton. I'll get you when it's time for Round Two."

    "See you then," I returned politely. With that, we parted, she heading to another part of the ship and me browsing the shelves and taking in what the Foxy Pirates had to offer. It looked like he had a few good minds on his crew from what I saw: plenty of medical and history books, blueprints for the ship, even a few good fantasy novels I'd have to see if I could borrow.

    I had browsed over pretty much every section in the library before one book in particular caught my eye: one with the Foxy Pirates' Jolly Roger on the front. One glance at the inside of the cover confirmed my suspicions: it was the crew's logbook.

    I glanced around for a second before shrugging and flipping the book open. After all, what harm could a little bit of background knowledge do? I'd probably just read about their origins for a minute or two and then move on.

    Thirty minutes later, I was thoroughly engrossed in the book, intently absorbing every detail I could manage.

    I didn't even look up as a finger tapped my shoulder. "Hey, Cross, any clue where I can find the reference books?"

    I absentmindedly raised a finger and pointed to the left. "That way, I think. I saw an index thataways if it helps."

    "That works. Thanks, Cross."

    "Anytime, Nami."

    Ten seconds later, I glanced up from the book with a mutter of "The hell…?" but a quick glance around showed me to be completely alone, so I shrugged and returned to my reading.

    An hour later, I closed the book and set it down, my eyes wide and my mind awhirl as I connected the dots I'd found in that book with what I myself knew. The picture that it all depicted, about this crew, about the Davy Back Fights… this… this changed everything.

    Or, well, maybe not everything, but it sure as hell gave me something to think about.

    Said thoughts were then interrupted by the sound of the library's door opening. "Round Two's starting, come on!" Porche called.

    "Ah," I glanced at the logbook for a second before heading towards her voice. "C-Coming!"

    -o-​

    I surreptitiously ghosted through the rowdy crowd of pirates as I made my way towards the Groggy Ring, dodging through the writhing throng of the crowd as I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. As I went, I subtly swiped a number of clothing articles from the more inebriated and distracted members of the Foxy Pirates. A scarf here, a trenchcoat there, a pair of oversized boots from… somewhere, though the smell really guaranteed that I didn't want to know, and finally a rather elaborate mask that was most likely for show that a vendor was handing out.

    Once I had what I needed, I made a beeline for the nearest alleyway between stalls I could find. I took a second to glance around and confirm that I was completely alone before donning the clothes I'd collected over my hoodie, in a manner that I really hoped would obscure my identity from anyone who saw me. Thankfully, the size of the crew and the fact that they were a Grand Line crew, at that, maximized the odds that my plan would succeed.

    With the disguise in place, I emerged and walked back towards the ring, looking around until, grinning, I spotted the Foxy Pirates' referee. I planned to make good use of that one free cheat I had, and so I approached him.

    "Soundbite, if you're listening, I need you to disguise my voice," I muttered under my breath. "And don't worry, I won't get in trouble if I get caught, just do it."

    "Done," came a whisper in my ear.

    "Hello, hello, hello," I muttered in a deep bass voice before nodding firmly. "Thanks."

    "SEE YOU soon, PARTNER."

    "With any luck. Hey, ref!" I growled out, clapping my hand on his shoulder. "Don't turn around and listen. Boss told me to pass a message on to you incognitus-like: when the order for a Groggy Burger comes up, use the red card."

    "Wha—? Are you nuts!?" the masked referee hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

    "Hey, man, I think it's nuts too, I'm just following orders," I grumbled. "All he said was that he wants the Straw Hats to think that we're playing fair. Put them in a false sense of security, get that monster of a Captain to drop his guard. They came too close to winning the last game, we need to keep everyone guessing if we don't want them to win. Got it?"

    The ref ground his teeth for a second before nodding slowly. "Alright… Alright, I'll do it. But if this blows up, I'm telling him that it was your idea, got it?"

    "Hey, I get it," I shrugged casually. "Sea King eat Sea King world, we all do what we gotta do to survive. All I'm doin' is relayin' the boss's orders, a'right?"

    "Ergh… yeah, alright."

    "Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with a litre o' grog." And with that, I slid back into the crowd, dropping my disguise piece by piece as I went.

    If I had things my way, I'd then be standing by my crew as an added show of defiance. But, as it stood, I had no doubt that Foxy would be watching me like a hawk so that he could stop my one free cheat before it got out of hand. So, with resignation, I elected to stand by the man. I was just glad that I knew what I did now, or I don't think I would have been able to stand it.

    "Ah good, you're here," Foxy said as I walked up, not taking his eyes off my crew. "Enjoy the tour of your new ship?"

    I shrugged indifferently. "Eh, it was alright. Personally, I'm kinda iffy on the name and I can only imagine that the boobytraps are an absolute nightmare to navigate, so honestly?" I shot him a cheeky grin. "I'm eager to get back to the Merry. I will be keeping the clothes though."

    Foxy snorted and shook his head. "Don't get your hopes up, Cross."

    I tipped the brim of my hat down in response. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Captain."

    Foxy scowled briefly before looking at Itomimizu and waving his hand.

    The wide-mouth apparently took that as a sign to start, and climbed up to the top of a hastily constructed tower. I blinked before noticing that Chuchun was currently wrapped up in bandages, with Chopper conspicuously close by. I couldn't help but snicker at the sight.

    "Aaaaalright, ladies and gentlemen! The wait is over, it's time for Round Two of the Davy Back Fight, the Groggy Ring! Now presenting the lineup for this match's teams! On the Straw Hat Pirates' team: First Mate 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro! The lady-loving chef of iron, Sanji! And the leader of the ship's guard force, Boss Dugong!"

    Looking at the trio, Sanji and Boss were both posing for the audience, while Zoro was rolling his eyes but staying silent.

    "And, on the Foxy Pirates' team, the legendary Groggy Monsters! The leader, co-first mate and heavy-hitter, Hamburg! The bulky 'Tackle Machine', Pickles! And the fishman-giant hybrid, Big Pan!"

    The trio basked in the attention they received as they marched onto the field, posing and grandstanding confidently.

    "Now, for the game's rules! Each team must have one player acting as the ball…"

    At that point, I stopped listening; the rules were nothing more than a review for me. Instead, I observed Pickles and Big Pan for a second before looking curiously at Foxy "Where the heck did you get the bigger two, anyway? I won't ask about Hamburg because if there's a pool it means that if you know then you're not talking, but them…" I waved my hand in their vague direction. "Just curious is all."

    Foxy blinked in surprise, but shrugged and began to answer. "Eh, it's no big secret for those two. Pickles joined after one of my first wins against the Full-Frontal Assault Pirates. Real nasty bunch, led by a berserker with an Elephant Zoan. He was actually lucky, because we got word that they were annihilated by Marines about a month or two later. He was rough around the edges at first and his Giant's blood—that's where his size comes from, you see—didn't help matters, but he and Hamburg eventually bonded and he's been a big help in the Ring ever since. But as for Big Pan, well…" His expression darkened. "You've established yourself as rather world-savvy; would the name 'Sabaody Archipelago' say enough for you?"

    I promptly fought to suppress my gag reflex as my eyes shot to the hybrid's hands. "Enough to know that those gloves aren't covering his wrists for nothing."

    "Mmph," Foxy grunted in agreement. "He cost me a pretty penny, but I don't regret it." His gaze slowly drifted over his shoulder so that he was looking back at his men. "I never do."

    Porche leaned around her boss and pointed an accusing finger at me. "And he means that whether they agree to join or not, so don't get any ideas!"

    I held up my hands in defense. "Fair enough, fair enough."

    "And that's the game!" Ito capped off confidently.

    "Ah, finally!" Foxy leered eagerly. "Now then, just be patient. With any luck, you'll be much more comfortable once you have your snail back. And I'll even do you the favor of removing that misplaced label for him so that you can both go back if your captain pulls off a miracle and beats me! Though really, that notion is simply preposterous! Fehfehfehfeh!"

    Aaand my respect for him hit rock bottom again.

    "Now then," Itomimizu continued eagerly. "We are only moments away from the beginning of the Second Round! All we're waiting for now is the whistle, and—!"

    WHOOSH!

    "GAH!" Itomimizu cut himself off with a panicked yelp when he was suddenly buffeted by an intense wind that came out of absolutely nowhere. And he was far from the only one affected; all at once, a massive windstorm swept over the playing field, throwing everyone off-balance.

    We barely had time to process that before the wind brought with it an unexpected byproduct: an absolutely massive—and for some reason, pink—fog that shrouded the entire playing field. I was barely able to discern my mummified hand in front my face, and the tumult around me gave the impression that everyone else was having equal difficulty.

    Then the wind began blowing agai…wait, no. It wasn't forceful, this time, it was just flat-out loud. Howling and… roaring… wait a second…

    "Soundbite?" I whispered beneath my breath.

    "Did you really think we would TAKE THIS SHIT LYING DOWN?" an indignant medley of voices scoffed in my ear. "THEY WANT TO PLAY DIRTY, that's their problem. BUT WHEN THEY TAKE ONE OF OURS… we fight BLOODY. OBSERVE."

    And with that, as fast as the fog swept over field, it dispersed just as swiftly, unveiling a scene that could only be described as absolute carnage. Hamburg had been beaten akin to his namesake, Pickles looked to have been put through a blender, and Big Pan looked as though… well, frankly, he looked as though the Monster Trio had ganged up on him, with a few Sea Kings having enthusiastically joined the fun for good measure. Simply put, the Groggy Monsters were out cold while Zoro, Sanji, and Boss were all standing tall, completely and utterly unscathed and looking as nonchalant as cats lazing in a sunbeam. Or at least, as nonchalant as they could be while they were covered head to toe in blood spatter.

    Which was actually pretty disturbingly nonchalant, now that I thought about it.

    For a moment, there was complete silence; everyone on the Foxy Pirates, myself included, just gaped at the development as we tried to come to grips with what the hell had just happened. About a minute later, Foxy recovered enough to speak… or rather, roar and point at Luffy.

    "FOUL! You cheated!"

    "Eh? No, we didn't," Luffy stated as he cleaned his ear, his voice bland and bored as though he were saying the sky were blue.

    "Yes, you did!"

    "No, we didn't," Luffy replied in the same bored tone.

    "I'M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT—!"

    "Ah, excuse me, Mister Fox?"

    "WHAT!?" Foxy yelled as he snapped his gaze to the person who'd spoken up.

    Vivi, for her part, was entirely unfazed by the captain's fuming demeanor, smiling pleasantly without a care in the world. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Mr. Fox, but you see, I'm afraid that there's simply no means through which to determine the identity of your team's assailants. After all…" The princess waved her hand in the air. "That fog obscured everything, and that wind was so frightfully loud, I'm afraid that there just weren't any witnesses whatsoever."

    The split-headed pirate sputtered indignantly for a second before stamping his foot. "But you're the ones who caused the fog in the first place!"

    Vivi blinked and pointed at herself with a look of innocent confusion. "Me?"

    "HER, DAMN IT!" Foxy snapped his finger up to point at Nami, who was whistling innocently as she swung her hips back and forth. "SHE CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, WE'VE ALL SEEN IT!"

    "Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that that's just not possible," Vivi lamented in a tone I swear was honestly apologetic.

    "EVERYBODY SAW HER FORM A FREAKING TYPHOON EARLIER!"

    "Oh, yes, yes, that's true, that's true…" Vivi raised her hands placatingly. "But you see, as adept as Nami is with her Clima-Tact, she still has her limits. Currently, all she is capable of are minor cantrips like lightning or that storm earlier. While I suppose our navigator could have hypothetically conjured that wind we felt, I'm afraid that that level of fog is simply out of her grasp. And if Nami didn't do it, then…"

    Vivi shook her head with a helpless shrug. "Well, I'm afraid I just don't know what to tell you, Mr. Fox. What else do you propose? That someone, what, magically conjured up a bank of fog from nowhere in the space of mere seconds?" Vivi chuckled daintily into her fist. "Why, how positively absurd."

    As Foxy spluttered, his attention entirely on the main mass of our crew, I noticed Chopper digging in his bag behind one of the fair tents. He was working hastily; so hastily that a smoking test tube suddenly fell out of his bag without warning. He promptly made to grab for the vial before it could touch the ground, but flailed his hoof with a pained expression the second he touched it, sending the glass container flying. Thankfully, Carue had noticed the incident and was there waiting when the tube arrived, and managed to grab it with a wing… at which point he promptly started flailing his wings and playing a game of hot potato with himself as he hopped from foot to foot.

    "What the heck…?" I muttered under my breath.

    "CHOPPER calls it Cherry Blossom Haze," Soundbite softly explained. "PERSONALLY, I would have GONE WITH Hazy Shade of Winter, but eh, WHAT CAN I say? HE'S GOT A THEME and I WON'T BEGRUDGE hi—BWAHAHAHAhoohoohooHEEHEEHEE!"

    I blinked in confusion when Soundbite suddenly trailed off into raucous laughter before looking back at Carue. Oddly enough, the vial he was juggling was long gone and he was standing at attention, gaze locked dead ahead and his wings folded at his side. For some reason there was cold sweat starting to collect on his brow, but for the life of me I couldn't tell what was—wait, was that smoke coming out of his nos—?

    FWOMP!

    I hastily clamped my hands over my mouth to muffle my snorting laughter. And it was hard when I was staring at a Carue that was bloated up into a balloon, smoky fog oozing out of his clamped beak and tears streaming down his cheeks. It was all I could do to keep from falling on my knees, and the sight of Carue speeding off out of sight once he got enough wherewithal in his head to do so didn't help. But when a massive geyser of smoke pierced the heavens alongside an avian howl of agony, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

    "PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, falling to the ground laughing.

    "WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" roared a red-faced Foxy, looking away from a suddenly-panicked Vivi and failing to notice an equally freaked-looking Chopper.

    "C-C-Carue just ate one of Chopper's Anti-Luffy Spice Bombs by accident!" I lied around my hysterical laughter. "Y-You should have seen his face! PFFHAHAHAHAHA!"

    Chopper's concern melted into thoughtfulness, clearly considering the potential of what I had just said, and Vivi's expression changed into a different sort of concern. "Chopper, can you hurry after him and give him the antidote?" she asked quickly. The reindeer snapped back to reality, nodded, and sped off in his Walk Point. Vivi sighed before turning her attention back to Foxy. "Now, what were you saying, Mister Fox?"

    "I WAS SAYING THAT EVEN IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES, IT'S BLATANTLY CLEAR THAT YOUR CREW DID THIS!" Foxy spat.

    "Really? How so?" Vivi asked innocently.

    "HOW SO? Oh, where to begin?! How about the slash marks—?!"

    "You confiscated Zoro's swords before the game began; if anything, that only reinforces the fact that we didn't do it."

    Back where she was swaying on her feet, Nami's absolutely innocent whistling amped up a few decibels while Foxy's face grew redder. "Ggh—! And the fact that they aren't harmed at all—?!"

    "Says that whatever attacked your crew must have been wise enough not to attack ours."

    Foxy's face became downright purple. "FOR THE LOVE OF JONES HIMSELF, THEY'RE COVERED IN BLOOD!" He snapped his finger up when Vivi started to speak. "AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU!"

    "Then perhaps you'll hear it from me?" Boss spoke up from where he was still standing, casually pulling a puff from his cigar.

    Steam snorted out of Foxy's nose as he glared daggers at the dugong. "I would love to hear your explanation for this."

    "It's quite simple, really." Boss took his cigar out of his mouth and casually tapped off the ash. "While the fog obscured the field, we decided to eat some steak, and so we did."

    You could hear the crickets chirping in the resounding silence that followed that statement.

    "… I'm sorry, I must have heard you wrong, could you repeat that?" Foxy said in a voice of strained calm.

    "We. Ate. Steaks," Boss repeated, slowly and clearly. "To elaborate, under the cover of the fog, we decided to leave the field, we hunted down an animal, we slaughtered it, and then we ate it. Raw. Like men."

    Foxy's eye started twitching viciously as he ground his teeth back and forth. "You mean you want to pretend that you hunted an animal in this god-forsaken prairie, ate it, and then returned in a little under five minutes?"

    "Yes, yes, I know that it sounds ludicrous, I realize that," Boss waved his hands in a soothing gesture. "But! But, I have a valid explanation that I believe all will find to be both concise and logical."

    "And what would that be?" Foxy snarled, sheer contempt dripping from his every word.

    "Simplicity itself, my good man," Boss huffed matter-of-factly as he bit back into his cigar. "We're badasses." He promptly raised his flippers into the air, which Zoro and Sanji proceeded to high five without even looking.

    Foxy failed to formulate a reply for that, at which point Vivi tapped him on his shoulder. That caused him to bellow out a furious "WHAT!?"

    Vivi blinked and slowly dug a finger through her ear before responding. "Alright, first? Loud, and I live with the loudest snail in the world, so that's really saying something. And second?" She spread her hands helplessly. "I'm afraid that the fact of the matter is that regardless of the details of how your 'Groggy Monsters' got assaulted in such a way, it doesn't really change the outcome."

    "Outcome? What outcome!?" Porche demanded incredulously.

    Vivi slowly turned her head to smile at the diva, and by smile, I mean a Robin-grade give-Sea-Kings-existential-dread smile. "Why, the fact that you've unequivocally lost the second round of the Davy Back Fight, of course."

    The silence that resulted was as loud and boisterous as any Sea King. Heck, it was so quiet that the 'caw caw caw' of a crooooooooooooooooooooooow flying overhead was heard by all.

    I glanced upwards at the passing bird. "Huh, so that's actually a thing here."

    "What," Foxy hissed, his voice sounding straight-up possessed.

    "Well, of course you've lost, Foxy," Vivi said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world as she started digging through her pockets. "It's quite clearly stipulated in the, ergh, rules, damn it, where did I—? Ah-hah!" Vivi finally yanked a piece of paper from her pocket, holding it up in triumph. "There we go! Now then, let's see here…"

    Vivi took out a pair of reading glasses I knew for a fact that she didn't need and held them before her eyes as she analyzed the paper. "As dictated in Chapter 1, Section B, Sub-section 24, paragraph 16 of the 7th Edition Official Davy Back Fight Rulebook, and I quote, 'if at any point after the selection of the teams, a member of any given team is rendered unable to participate, said team must continue without that player. Should all members of the team be rendered incapable of participation, then the match is automatically forfeited.'" Vivi primly removed the glasses and shut them with a click. "End quote."

    The rapidfire rustling of paper drew attention over to Itomimizu, who was tearing through the pages of a massive tome in a blind panic. After a few seconds of searching, the wide-mouth stopped on a specific page and began tracing his finger down the paper, frantically muttering to himself before suddenly jerking back with a gasp of shock. "S-SHE'S RIGHT!"

    "I KNOW SHE'S RIGHT, YOU MORON, I KNOW THAT BOOK BY HEART!" Foxy roared. "WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE THE HELL SHE GOT HER HANDS ON A COPY!"

    I was forced to bite down on my tongue in order to restrain my laughter when Nami's whistling amped up even louder.

    "Those details are irrelevant and immaterial, Mister Fox," Vivi hummed in a tone of voice that was only borderline civil. "All that matters now are the facts of the situation at hand, which are hence: the members of the team you selected are in no state to play. Without any members, you don't have a team. Without a team, you cannot participate in Round Two. And because you cannot participate in Round Two, you forfeit by default. In summary, Mister Fox…"

    "YOU LOSE," the Voice of God sounded out with all the intensity of a death knell.

    And once again, dead silence fell. But it lasted for all of one second before Foxy fell to his knees, making a sound like a leaking balloon. "… I've been beaten… at cheating… how…?" he mumbled through his depression.

    Vivi held her pleasant smile as she knelt before the Captain, and slowly lifted his chin so that he was looking at her. "I just wanted to make sure you understood something, Mister Fox," she stated in a kind tone of voice. "This whole time, whether or not we cheated or played fair was entirely irrelevant. Do you know why?" She clapped his shoulder firmly. "Either way, you never stood a snowball's chance in the desert against us."

    And with that, Vivi stood up, leaving Foxy to stare ahead in blank-eyed horror as she turned to address the equally-paralyzed ref. "Oh, Mister Referee~!" she sing-songed, snapping the man out of his shock. "If you would be so kind as to announce the verdict of this match, I would very much appreciate it."

    The ref shuddered fearfully as he snapped his gaze between her and Foxy. "I-I-I, uh, I-I d-don't—!"

    Without a hint of warning, Vivi's expression suddenly shifted to a look that screamed nothing short of cold-blooded murder. "NOW."

    The ref jumped in terror and flailed for a second as he fumbled with the whistle he'd tossed in his panic before finally managing to grab hold of it with both of his shaking hands—

    FWEEEEEEEEEEET!

    And announce our crew's unmitigated victory. And at that moment, the Straw Hats erupted in raucous celebration. I took the opportunity to strut over to Itomimizu and snag Chubby's microphone. "And, with the Foxy Pirates beaten at their own game of rules-lawyering, the Straw Hat Pirates steal the victory before the notorious Groggy Monsters can do anything whatsoever! And now, it's time for the Straw Hats to choose which of the Foxy Pirates they want to take for their crew!"

    I didn't spare any thought towards what they'd do; maybe if Luffy hadn't remembered what he did from Shanks, they would have considered stealing Foxy to win the last match by default. But as it was, Luffy wouldn't be cheated out of the whole reason he accepted this fight, especially with the added rage of me having gone briefly away, regardless of our well-placed confidence that I'd come back. So, there was really only one thing that they could say.

    Buuut that didn't mean I wasn't going to milk this opportunity that I knew I would never get again for all it was worth. "So, who will they choose? The emcee Itomimizu has quite a lot of character, and maybe they'd want to take him for his role in causing them to lose the last game! But, by that logic, they might want to choose the fast-swimming Monda, despite their inability to communicate two ways with the shark, or the much more appealing choice of Porche, the deceptively powerful and beautiful first mate! Or, I suppose that I, Jeremiah Cross, could be a good choice."

    Both crews were looking at me with equal parts exasperation and amusement as I started whistling nonchalantly. "Buuut, honestly, if I'm not chosen, I suppoooose I could stay here for another—"

    "SHUT UP AND COME BACK, CROSS!" Luffy cheered joyously.

    "Somebody cut this ugly-ass mask out of my hood right this instant before I rip it out with my bare hands!" I announced as I marched back to my real crew, pushing the hood of my hoodie away from my face. "Leave the ears though, I like 'em."

    "I have to admit, I like them too," Su remarked.

    "THAT ain't saying MUCH," Soundbite cackled ecstatically.

    "Damn straight!" Leo snickered as he unsheathed one of his swords. "Now then, stay veeery still, Cross…" He then moved his arm so fast it blurred, and the mask dropped away before my eyes.

    I waved my hand before my face before sighing in relief. "Ah, now that's much better. Only one thing missing now!" I held my hand up to Conis. "If you would do me the inestimable honor of snailing me, m'lady?"

    Conis chuckled lightly at the display. "It would be my honor, Cross." And with that, she tossed Soundbite over to me, and I caught the grinning snail easily before putting him back on my shoulder.

    I rolled my shoulder with a contented sigh. "Ah, much better. I was really missing this dead weight!"

    "And I was missing MY FAVORITE mobile arm-chair!" Soundbite snickered with his tongue stuck out.

    "Heh. But you know, if I didn't enjoy anything else while I was there, I have to say that the Foxy Pirates have a very interesting library," I said. "On the note of which… Soundbite, Gastro-Amp."

    "Gladly!" the snail chirped.

    "In light of how clearly shocking this victory was," I drawled. "I propose that we initiate a two-hour break until the preparation for the final round of the Davy Back Fight. Are there any objections?" Nobody replied. "Good, two hours it is then." I moved my hand across my throat, and Soundbite stopped as I clapped my hands. "Now, let's get back to the Merry." I frowned solemnly as I eyed the Foxy's. "We need to do a bit of strategizing with what I found out."

    An uneventful period of walking later, aside from Zoro and Sanji gladly resuming their rivalry and brawls, found us gathered around the Merry's table with walls of wood and sound blocking out any eavesdroppers. At that point, I turned to the crew. "Alright, first things first: that was genius, you guys. I mean, I already had a cheat lined up, but it wasn't a surefire thing and had a good chance of flopping. You guys pulled off something better than I could before mine even triggered and for that…" I grinned goofily as I ran my hands through my hair beneath my hat. "Man, this means more to me then you can even imagine."

    "Would you believe that it was all Soundbite's idea?" Chopper asked. "I guess some of your skills have rubbed off on him."

    I raised my eyebrows and looked at the gastropod, who was grinning proudly. "…OK, are you telling the truth, or is some sort of bet going on that I'll actually buy that right away?"

    "Both," several voices groused, fishing around in their pockets for bills and trading them around to several smug onlookers.

    "I'M SMART, Cross IS smarter. Even if he DOESN'T ALWAYS ACT LIKE IT!"

    "Oh, shut up," I said good-naturedly before turning my attention to Vivi. "And I have to say, that 'frigid Stepford Smiler' act was… was pure awesomeness. First out-haggling Nami, now out-cheating Foxy? I suppose next you're going to out—"

    "Cross," Luffy warned.

    I raised my hands defensively. "Oh, fine, fine… Well, I guess we should hurry up and get to the serious stuff." I locked eyes with my captain. "Luffy, do you have any ideas in mind for what to do when you win the captain's fight? I mean, the way I saw it, you took their Jolly Roger and gave it to Tonjit, but I'm guessing you don't feel quite so inclined this time around."

    Luffy frowned thoughtfully for a second, but in the end he nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. If that bastard had actually hurt Shelly then I probably would have, but she's alright now, so…"

    "That's what I thought," I nodded solemnly. "Then in that case, if you'll hear me out…" I looked around the room. "I'd like to suggest who we choose as our prize, as well as how we go about it. Now!" I held my hands up hastily. "You're all going to think I'm absolutely nuts and, believe me, I know that it's a nut-house grade crazy idea, but I honestly believe that this will benefit us in the long run."

    "You and your long cons and high stakes gambles," Nami said, rolling her eyes. "I'm honestly impressed that you've managed to make me say that twice now."

    "Oh, come on, it can't be crazier than what he's done so far," Zoro said. "What's your idea, Cross?"

    Before answering, I slid on my headphones and made sure that they were properly secured, because I sure as heck was going to need them.

    Sadly, I… miscalculated somewhat, as ten seconds after I tendered my suggestion, I was struck by a barrage of pure muscle, as opposed to the barrage of sound I'd been expecting.

    -o-​

    Two hours later, I sank into a sitting position on the figurehead of the Foxy's ship with a groan, leaning my back back as I tried to relax. Freaking hell, was that not pleasant.

    "Hello, Cross," Ito sneered at me with a sidelong glance as he tapped his foot patiently keeping a distracted eye on the interim fight that was going on a few feet away from us. "Have a fun reunion with your crew?"

    "Shut that damn bear trap you call a jaw and hand me that thermos of hot chocolate you're carrying, pencilneck," I growled as I held my hand out to him.

    Itomimizu cocked his eyebrow in surprise before shrugging and tossing said thermos to me.

    "Ah…" Soundbite spoke up hesitantly as he glanced at the thermos. "Think I could try some of—?"

    "Go chug a salt shaker," I deadpanned.

    "FAIR NUFF."

    I started chugging the nice and scalding cocoa, relishing in how the burn of the liquid coursing down my throat obscured the rest of the aches I was suffering from. And good God, was I suffering from a lot.

    After I made my (admittedly insane-sounding) proposal, my dear, dear friends and comrades had promptly put me through two. Whole. Hours of what could best be described as a gauntlet of anti-brainwashing techniques, impostor trials and forced detoxification. I won't go into the details, for the sake of both my sanity and the sleep of decent folks everywhere, but suffice to say it was almost enough to make me reconsider the whole idea just so that it would come to an end sooner. Thankfully, I managed to pass on the rationalization I had for my decision before the break time was up, though by that time I already felt like a tenderized steak.

    One rigged cannon shot and ten minutes later, the majority of both our crews were situated in the stands that the Foxy's had constructed in order to watch the show go down. I was waiting on the ship's figurehead with a less-than-enthused Itomimizu so that we could make the introductions, while the rest of the crew sans Usopp, Luffy, and Sanji were up in the stands, looking forward to the upcoming match. Sanji was occupied with preparing the test I'd had in mind since Alabasta, while Usopp and Luffy were, of course, preparing for the match.

    The Foxy Pirates were in a state of anticipation; they'd only barely managed to win the first round, and the second round ended before it started, so they were equal parts determined and nervous as they awaited the start of the final round, the only one that, according to them, they had never lost before. 920 Captain's Duels, 920 victories. Well, it looked like that perfect record was about to come to an end.

    At last, Itomimizu took hold of Chubby's mic, having apparently received a signal, and I stood up and did the same with my transceiver.

    -o-​

    "Don don don don!"

    SLAP!

    "YEOWCH!" Woop Slap yelped, shaking his hand out with an agonized grimace. "Damn it, Makino, will you please—!"

    "No, you listen to me, Mayor!" Makino snapped as she waved the ladle she was holding at him. "I might respect you, but this is my bar and Bluey is my snail, so it is my decision, and this broadcast, however controversial it might be, is the most reliable source for information on Luffy's journey in the world. So, no, Woop Slap, I will not hang it up." She crossed her arms. "And why are you strident about not listening, anyway? The World Government's reaction? Need I remind you that those bastards are the self-same people who killed Ace and Luffy's brother!?"

    "And they'll do the same to us if we needlessly antagonize them!" Woop Slap snarled, slamming his cane on the bar to punctuate the point.

    Makino's glare wavered for a second before she steeled herself and turned to her Transponder Snail. "That's a chance I'm willing to take." And with that, she turned around and picked up the receiver, already a ways into the broadcast.

    "—apologize for the sudden cut off, but there were complications beyond our control. You see, after we last left off, we did, in fact, barely lose to the Foxy Pirates on the Donut Race. As a result, one of ours was lost to the Foxy Pirates. More specifically…" The snail grimaced. "I was briefly part of their crew."

    "Hmph. The rubber brat was too cocky, and paid the consequences."

    THWACK!

    "Ow!" Woop Slap yelped and raised his hands defensively as the ladle raised again for another strike. "Alright, alright!"

    "But! Thankfully enough, via a total freak accident that no one could have predicted—" A distinct grumbling sound came over the connection, not sounding like Cross. "The second round, known as the Groggy Ring, was over before it began, resulting in my return to my rightful place at my crew's side. And so, we now come to the real event, the main reason that our captain accepted this most dangerous game in the first place: the Captains' Duel."

    Woop Slap was clearly struggling not to drop another snide remark, if the constipated grimace on his face was anything to go by. Luckily, another one of the bar's patrons did it for him.

    "Aw, c'mon, Luffy! His face can't have been ugly enough to risk a crewmate to bash it in!"

    Makino frowned, but found herself unable to provide a rationalization for that.

    "Now, as for those of you wondering why Luffy elected to take on this challenge, rather than simply bashing his face in right then and there? Well, as we've stated before, we don't kill our opponents… or at least, not in body. We beat them at their own game, on their own turf, and leave them alive to watch everything they have crumble around them. In short, Luffy accepted this challenge so that he could bring Foxy's world crashing down around his ears."

    "FAT CHANCE OF THAT!" came the outraged voice of Itomimizu. "Our captain has played this game nine hundred and twenty times, and won every single one of them!"

    "Oh, yeah?" Cross drawled. "Well, this will be Luffy's first and hopefully only Captain's Duel ever, and I guarantee you that he won't lose."

    "How about a toast to our champion?" Makino suggested over Itomimizu's incensed growling.

    Woop Slap glowered, but accepted a glass with a sigh. "Fine. I might hate his career choice, but I certainly won't mind him beating up another pirate," he reluctantly admitted.

    Makino started refilling glasses as Ito got his wits back about him. "Well, either way, it looks like it's time for the fight to begin! First, entering from the left ear—!"

    "Don't ask," Cross deadpanned.

    "The man with a million plans! The champion of cheating! The undisputed king of the Davy Back Fight! The undefeated victor of 920 duels! Weighing in at 24 Million, our captain and beloved boss, Foxy the Silver Fox!"

    A chorus of cheers and cries of adulation rang out, all to the tune what sounded like an entire brass band and topped by a confident "FEH FEH FEH FEH!"

    "Top that," Ito scoffed cheekily.

    "Gladly. Now, then… Entering from the right ear…" Cross proclaimed as an energetic song started playing. "Hailing from the East Blue, one of the most unique men alive! The Rubber-Brained Brawler, the Behemoth who always bounces back, the man who never follows the plan, the son of a bitch who just doesn't know how or when to quit! Weighing in at a heaping 100 Million, our captain and the future King of the Pirates! MOOOONKEY D. 'STRAW HAT' LUUUUUFFYYYYY!"

    "YEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"

    An even louder chorus of cheers rang out this time, no doubt generated by the crew's snail, but the bar's patrons and its owner were content to knock back their shots to it nonetheless.

    "Wow!" Itomimizu yelped in shock. "It would appear that for this fight, Straw Hat Luffy has decided to don an afro that's larger than life, and looks like it's got the personality to match!"

    The bar patrons promptly spat out their drinks at that particular statement and the image it conjured, though for a variety of reasons.

    Woop Slap, for example, was furiously waving his cane in the air. "DAMN IT, LUFFY, CAN'T YOU GO TEN SECONDS WITHOUT EMBARRASSING THIS HUMBLE VILLAGE!? SHAME! SHAME ON YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! SOMEONE MAKE A NOTE OF THIS!"

    Makino, meanwhile, didn't discipline the mayor for his words because she was too busy pounding the bar as she roared with laughter, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

    -o-​

    Vivi blinked slowly as she took in the spectacle before her, her expression carefully blank. "It's like watching Luffy eat…" she quietly breathed. "I know that it's horrific on a deep and basic level…" She slowly tilted her head to the side, her face never changing. "But I just can't bring myself to look away."

    "So…" Conis asked, glancing between her friends as she pointed at her captain and his new head of hair. "I take it that this is not normal on the Blue Seas?"

    "It ish fow us, anyways…" Carue quacked as he munched down on wingful after wingful of popcorn.

    "... I'm okay with this," Nami simply stated.

    Zoro looked at her in surprise. "Seriously? Because these seem like the kind of antics that would set you off."

    "About a month or so ago?" The navigator shrugged indifferently. "Maybe so. But after all we've been through? No, no, I'm… quite simply numb to it. Especially something as relatively tame as this."

    Zoro looked unconvinced, but the sound of crying drew their attention and he dropped it. Navigator and swordsman glanced over to where Boss had been sitting to find him prostrated on the ground, tears streaming down his face.

    "B-Boss!" his students cried, gathering around him in concern.

    "Are you alright, Boss?!" "What's wrong?" "Are you hurt?" "I-Is this another Romance!?"

    "No… No, my students, that object is no mere Romance…" the senior dugong breathed as he shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes. "What you see before you…" Boss suddenly shot to his tail, arms spread wide before the world. "WHAT YOU SEE IS NOTHING LESS THAN A MAN'S MIRACLE! A HEAVENSENT SIGN INTENDED TO DO NOUGHT ELSE BUT TO BRING TO THE WORLD THE GOOD MESSAGE OF TESTOSTERONE AND ABSOLUTELY RIPPED ABS!"

    "OH, BOSS!" the TDWS wept, flippers clasped together.

    Boss then proceeded to point a 'finger' into the air. "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I TOO SHALL DON THE AFRO, FOR GREAT MANLI—!"

    THWACK!

    "AND THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE!" Nami raged, her Clima-Tact still smoking from being cracked over the now-insensate Dugong's skull.

    "BOSS, NO!" his students wept anew, this time out of misery.

    Nami huffed and sat back in her seat, fuming silently as Luffy posed and grandstanded before she heaved a sigh of defeat. She was silent for a moment before smiling coyly and glancing to her left. "Well, everyone else might have gone mad, but at least you're still sane, right, Sanji? … Sanji?" Nami turned to the cook in concern when she saw that he was hunched forwards and shivering violently. "Sanji, are you alri—?"

    "SO FUNKY!" the cook roared with a distinct accent as he shot to his feet without warning, fists raised to the heavens. "I CAN FEEL HIS JIVE LIGHTIN' A FIRE IN MY SOUL!"

    "OH, COME ON!" Nami roared furiously.

    "AMEN, BROTHER SANJI!" Cross roared from the Sexy Foxy in the exact same accent, where he was clearly pointing at Sanji.

    "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" the navigator roared at their tactician furiously, knowing full well that he could hear her.

    "FEEL THE FUNK BLAZE THROUGH YOU LIKE A GREAT INFERNO, LIFTING YOUR SPIRITS EVER HIGHER, SO THAT YOUR SOULS MIGHT REACH THE GREAT HEAVENS!" Cross proclaimed as he grinned like an absolute madman. "PRAISE BE TO THE AFRO! PRAISE BE TO THE JIVE! PRAISE BE TO THE FUNK, THE RHYTHM AND THE RHYME! CAN A BROTHER GET A HALLELUJAH?"

    "HALLELUJAH!" Soundbite concurred through his ecstatic cackling, the words accompanied by a blaring brass section.

    "Don't believe me, just watch!"

    The beat continued, most of the audience finding themselves bobbing their heads to the music.

    "HALLELUJAH!" Soundbite belted out again.

    "HALLELUJAH!" the crowd roared, Boss' voice rising above all others.

    "Yeah, you go, gatemouth!" Su waved her tail eagerly. "Jive with the groove, stick it to the man, show your hep chops!" She then blinked in confusion. "I have no idea what the hell I just said."

    Back in the stands, Nami, face inscrutable, slowly eased her hand over to the loudly cheering Sanji, and then slipped it into his pocket. She was just lifting his lighter out when a hand blossomed out of Sanji's side and gently pushed it back in. "Nooooo," Robin hummed in a kind tone without so much as looking at Nami.

    "But it would feel sooo good…" Nami whined childishly.

    "I know, sweetie, I know."

    -o-​

    "Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around, don't you dare turn around," Hina muttered feverishly to herself.

    She was determinedly focusing her attention on anything but the raucous cheering behind her, dancing along to the beat from the snail. Jango and Fullbody were expected. The rest of her crew, she supposed she should have expected to crack sooner or later. But she had higher standards. She was more professional than this. She would not look at the party that was going on behind her, despite how tempted she was to do so. She would not allow herself to move to the music, despite how very tempted she was to do so. She would not—

    "HALLELUJAH!" roared the snail.

    "HALLELUJAH!" she echoed along with the rest of the people onboard. She instantly clapped a hand to her mouth in shock. She held it there for a few seconds before her eyes narrowed.

    "…Damn you, Cross, Smoker is never going to let me hear the end of this," she ground out. And then, bidding farewell to her sanity, she turned around and let the funk sweep her away.

    -o-​

    Around her eleventh pizza, eighth burger, and sixteenth bowl of noodles of the day, Jewelry Bonney of the Bonney Pirates was struggling to keep from choking. The amount of food was no problem for her, she could eat twice her weight within an hour with a good supply and not slow down a bit. No, the problem came from the snail that she was currently listening to. How?

    Because though her appetite refused to be sated, she simply could not hold back her laughter at what was happening with the Straw Hat Pirates. Only they could pull off something as ridiculous as this, only them.

    "Hahaha, ahhh man, I am going to catch such hell for that once this is over and done with…" Cross snickered, no doubt wiping a tear out of his eye. "Well, that was fun, but I think we've delayed enough! Gentlemen, or whatever the hell is appropriate in this instance—man, I have wanted to say this for a long time. Soundbite, appropriate echoing effects, please?"

    "Go for it, MISTER BUFFER!"

    "LLLLET'S GET READY TO RRRRUMBLLLLLLLLE!"

    Bonney had to redouble her efforts not to choke as she moved the massive ham on the table to get it in a better position. She pulled the roast pig closer, too.

    -o-​

    Itomimizu stared at me in awe. "…Alright, wow. That was perfect. I need to use that one from now on."

    "Good luck getting the R and L right without Soundbite," I snickered.

    The Foxy announcer wilted for a moment before rallying and resuming his commentary. "Alright! All seconds out of the ring!" As Usopp and the other Foxy Pirates exited and we boarded the revitalized Chuchun, he recapped the rules of the fight while I whispered some last minute advice to my captain. No way of knowing how much he'd listen, but we'd have to wait and see.

    "Davy Back Fight! Final Round! Foxy the Silver Fox! Versus! Straw Hat Luffy! The clash between two captains, the fates of their crews are in their hands!" Itomimizu concluded. I exchanged glances, and then grins with him and Soundbite.

    "LET THE GAME… BEEEEE-GIIIIIN!" the three of us chorused.

    -o-​

    The floating restaurant of Takoyaki 8 was currently experiencing the most intense rush it had had in its short time of being an active business.

    "Hachin, we need more sake!" called a certain mermaid, scrambling about the remarkably cramped restaurant boat.

    "And twelve more orders of Takoyaki!" said a certain talking starfish.

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!" came a call from one of the patrons in an Italian accent.

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!" the starfish added.

    A HONK! came from the direction of the patrons.

    "Make that three hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug hastily corrected.

    "Nyu, I'm going as fast as I can! I only have so many hands!"

    "And I can only swim so fast!"

    "You have eight hands and you're the fastest thing under the sea!"

    "That's still not enough!" the mermaid and fishman chorused.

    And what drew this unprecedented swarm of customers? Quite simple, really: the presence of a few Transponder Snails and the deployment of several floating table-extensions had transformed Takoyaki 8 from a mere stand into the Blue Seas' first floating, mobile sports bar. And today's main attraction? None other than the epic duel between a pirate that most present had never heard of before today and a pirate that anyone within ten miles of a Transponder Snail would have learned of in the last month.

    "And they're off! Luffy starts off with his trademark Gum-Gum Pistol, and—" Cross' voice began.

    "And with impressive agility, the Boss dodges and paralyzes Straw Hat's outstretched arm with his Slow-Slow Beam!" Itomimizu said eagerly. "It looks like the bigger they are, the harder they fall! The more he extended himself, the harder he'll trip when the beam's effects wear off!"

    "Come on, Straw Hat!" called one table.

    "Get 'im, trickster!" called another.

    And somehow, both of them had followings among the listeners, who were putting away food faster than the kitchen could acquire and cook ingredients.

    "More orders!" Pappug exclaimed, slapping the tickets toward the two workers as fast as his short limbs allowed him to. "Four batches of calamari and three batches of cuttlefish!"

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!" came the Italian voice again.

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug repeated.

    HONK!

    "Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"

    "When did our menu expand beyond takoyaki anyway, nyu?!" Hachi demanded, flipping, frying, and flinging so fast that his hair started to flop down over his face.

    "When we got so many customers that I couldn't gather all the ingredients we needed fast enough, so I gathered other things instead!" Keimi responded, frantically handing off the ingredients before diving down for more.

    "Aaand there it is. Luffy's left lying on the ground, and Foxy's about to fire his beam again. Luffy jumps to avoid it, and—"

    "And the Boss pulls off a brilliant bluff, and fires his beam in the air instead! And here comes his signature attack, the Nine-Tailed Rush! The boss pummels his target with blow after blow, and when the thirty seconds are up, every hit goes through at once!"

    "Whoa, that power has some serious potential," said one patron.

    "It still can't beat a rubber man, blunt blows can't hurt him!" countered another.

    "Nyu, Straw Hat may still be in trouble. Trickery is his weak spot," Hachi mused, not pausing in his work even as Keimi resurfaced, the mermaid starting to get a little out of breath.

    "Alright, one more order and we've got all the patrons satisfied for now! Eight crab cakes, on the double!" Pappug called.

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!"

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!"

    HONK!

    "Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"

    …Honk!

    "And one duck egg!"

    "WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A DUCK EGG OUT HERE?!" Keimi raged.

    "Good point. Sir, would a duck-fish egg be an acceptable substitute?"

    Ho-Honk!

    "Make that one duck-fish egg!"

    "Now that's a sane request! Thank you!" Keimi nodded before diving back into the water.

    "I'm going to need more employees if this is going to become a regular thing," Hachi moaned, hastening to prepare the dishes for the backed-up kitchen. To his credit, he was making decent progress.

    "And Luffy's sent flying off the ship, but now comes the benefit of being made of rubber! Besides the immunity to lightning, but that story's already told and hopefully will never come into play again. Now, here he comes, getting back on the deck, and—"

    "And falling right into another one of the Boss's traps!"

    "…Well, ladies and gentlemen, as much as I hate to say that my fellow commentator is right—"

    "HEY!"

    "—I'm afraid he is in this case. Luffy just managed to narrowly dodge a bullet, or rather an un-Slow-Slow'd barrage of arrows, as it were. Given how much Foxy is warping this fight in his favor, I'd say that this demonstrates quite clearly the inherent capabilities of Devil Fruits. There are no weak powers, only weak users. Case in point: Foxy has just used his Slow-Slow Fruit to set up a floating minefield of projectiles. Arrows, bombs, cannonballs, daggers, everything from A to Z, and he's the only one that knows how long they'll stay slow."

    "It's just our good luck that the arena was our ship where all of those weapons are!"

    "Good wuck my feathewed yellow wump!" came Carue's grumbling voice, inciting snickers from most of the listeners, including the employees.

    "Got the crabs!" Keimi called out as she resurfaced with a writhing net held over her head. "Alright, now let's get rid of this rush!"

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!" called the patron.

    "And two hard-boiled eggs!" echoed Pappug.

    HONK, HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK, HO-ONK!

    "It's either foggy out, or make that twelve more hard-boiled eggs," Pappug remarked.

    Hachi and Keimi groaned as they got back to work.

    -o-​

    "Eesh, and I thought FOXY'S NARCISSISM WAS BAD BEFORE, BUT BOMBS SHAPED LIKE HIS OWN head? THAT'S JUST—!"

    WHAM!

    "GAH!" Luffy cried out in pain.

    "HOLY SHIT!"

    "What the hell!?" Boodle sat up in his seat, staring at the Transponder Snail as it coughed in Luffy's voice, accompanied by a gout of blood. "But Luffy's a rubber-man, and the previous punches didn't hurt him at all!"

    Chouchou whined in agreement, eyes glued to the snail.

    "What the—!?" Cross sputtered in confusion. "Luffy's face looks like a tenderized steak after just one punch when he bounced back from the previous punches without worry! What just happened!?"

    "Fehfehfehfeh! That's easy!" Foxy crowed eagerly. "I reinforced my gloves!"

    "Reinforced!? Those things look like fucking morningstars!"

    "Hey, this is the Grand Line and I can barely benchpress seventy-five, I need to even the odds somehow! Are you really going to call me out for zat?"

    "I sure the hell will when it's my goddamn captain you're evening them against!"

    "Feh, so be it. Though to be fair, I'd withhold your hatred for a moment."

    "Huh? Why?"

    "Because the thirty seconds on the bombs are up, and they're going to do a lot more than tenderize."

    KA-BLAM!

    The sound of explosions almost as loud as Cross' foghorn boomed across the connection, and the snail grit its teeth in anxiety for the duration of the din.

    "Luffy? Luffy!? LUUUUFFYYYYY!" Usopp cried out desperately.

    "DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, that was 100% NATURAL!"

    Then came Itomimizu's supremely smug voice again. "Well, it looks like Straw Hat may have been blown to smithereens! If that's the case, then he loses as soon as one of his body parts leaves the arena! Another victory for our captai—"

    "HE'S safe! UP ON the MAST!" Soundbite interrupted.

    "WHAT?" Itomimizu roared. "He—He's right! Straw Hat Luffy dodged to the top of the Sexy Foxy's mast! What incredible speed!"

    "Don't count on Luffy being a corpse until you actually see him, wide-mouth!" Cross cackled.

    "Damn right, you lousy rotten cheaters!" Boodle cheered eagerly. "Show them what's what, Strawhat!"

    "Ruff, ruff!" Chouchou barked in agreement, howling his support as loud as he could.

    -o-​

    In a country that had gathered much international attention over the last several weeks, both good and bad, within the throne room of the royal palace, a very serious war meeting had come to an abrupt and unexpected hiatus when the SBS began. One exchanged look between the royal family and the representative was all that was needed for them to agree.

    "You know, while I'm not surprised that the Revolutionary Army has interest in Jeremiah Cross and his knowledge and activities, it does surprise me that you'd prioritize it over official business," Chaka remarked.

    "Especially when the current goings-on don't much affect the world itself," Pell added. "We're certainly not complaining, but we are curious."

    The representative chuckled before looking back to the Royal Family. "Well, let's just say that Dragon and I have taken a personal interest in the SBS, and leave it at that. I'm honestly not sure why he hasn't extended the Straw Hats an invitation to join us yet."

    "I'm going to tafe—ahem, mah, mah, MAH!—I'm going to take a guess and say that he's hesitant to involve himself in their madness?"

    The man chuckled again.

    "Fehfehfehfehfeh…"

    Before they all turned their attention back to the snail as the all-too-familiar laugh echoed out of it.

    "Ooh! Straw Hat may have dodged the first strike, but our Boss is waiting in the smokescreen, ready to strike again! His laughter robs Straw Hat of the opportunity to rest! Where will he strike? How will he strike?"

    "There! There's his shadow!" Cross said. "And he's… are you kidding?"

    "How did you like that?" Foxy slurred.

    "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT HURT!" Luffy barked.

    "I did not!" Foxy snapped indignantly.

    "STOP LYING!"

    "… Lying so blatantly that Luffy can see through it? This isn't just pathetic, this is starting to become downright embarrassing," Cross said in a tone as dry as the Sandora desert.

    "Pathetic…? Embarrassing…?" Foxy's voice sobbed in a depressed tone.

    "I'm feeling embarrassed from this," muttered King Cobra.

    "GUM-GUM HOOK!"

    A cry of pain from Foxy made the Revolutionary's grin widen.

    "I'm going to break your hand so you can't use that beam anymore!"

    "Oh, really?"

    "Aaand Foxy dives back into the smoke. But Luffy spots him and knocks—what the… is that a cutout?"

    "Slow-Slow Beam!"

    "Ugh… alright, another point to Foxy; he's got so many cutouts in the smoke that there's no way of knowing where his beam will come from…" Cross was silent for a second before his grin was transmitted around the world. "If only they didn't all have the same split-headed haircut."

    "Split-head…?"

    "There he is!"

    "STOP PICKING ON MY CAPTAIN!" Itomimizu snapped.

    "ONLY WHEN HE STOPS PUNCHING MI—oooh, that's another suckerpunch from Luffy! That has gotta hurt!"

    "You seem to be enjoying the fact that Luffy is winning quite a bit, Mister Revolutionary," Pell observed.

    Said Revolutionary blinked. "…Huh. I honestly hadn't noticed. Maybe the SBS has grown on me more than I thought. But I thought I told you that there's no need to be so formal. Please," the Revolutionary grinned as he swept his top hat off and held it to his chest. "Call me Sabo."

    -o-​

    "Alright, now I've got you! Stop running and fight me!" Luffy demanded.

    "Grgh…" Foxy ground out darkly. "Okay… if you want a fight… THEN I'LL GIVE YOU ONE! Oh, but one quick thing first."

    "Huh? What?"

    "Would you mind looking up one second?"

    "Come on, not even rubber-brain is that stupid!" Su's voice called out.

    "Sure thing! What do you want me to look at?"

    "Then again, I have been wrong before…"

    "Oh, nothing much, Straw Hat…" Foxy sneered. "JUST THE LAST SKY YOU'LL SEE IN YOUR LIFE!"

    KLUNK!

    "GAH!"

    "Looks like the Captain managed to successfully trick Luffy into falling into a trapdoor!" Itomimizu crowed.

    "Ah, the humble trapdoor," Cross sighed wistfully. "A true classic in the book of trap-making. Most of the time, there's not a lot of shame in being caught with one."

    "This is not one OF THOSE TIMES…" Soundbite groaned.

    "Ugh, young people these days," slurred a grizzled grey-haired man as he swayed back and forth on his stool. "Playing around with all these gimmicks and tomfoolery and tricks and stuff… whatever happened to just clashing fists, swords, or pistols like real men?"

    "If it's any consolation, Straw Hat sounds almost as frustrated as you are," the nearby bartender pointed out.

    "Urgh… that's some mercy, but even with the motive he has, he still agreed to the game," Rayleigh grumbled, tossing back his empty bottle onto the growing pile and reaching for another. "And besides, I know about the Groggy Ring. The only way he could have ended that early was by playing even dirtier than the foxes." Having acquired a new bottle, the Dark King yanked the cork out with his teeth and promptly knocked back a mouthful. "Good grief. Things used to be so simple, too."

    "Even so, is one crew's Davy Back Fight trickery really enough to make you want to drink this much?"

    "Check the month," Rayleigh replied.

    Frowning as the SBS reported Luffy getting back on the deck with his powers, Shakky did so. She proceeded to stiffen for a moment before giving Raleigh a sympathetic look. "I see. Take care on your trip to Loguetown. And pour one out for me as well."

    Rayleigh cracked a sad smile around the bottle's muzzle.

    "Aha! Straw Hat takes the captain's bait, and so the fight moves into the ship itself! Now we can't even see what's going on!"

    "Maybe not, Ito, but we can still hear it, and that's half of the equation! Right, Soundbite?"

    "I AM ZE GREATEST IN Za Warudo!"

    -o-​

    "Alright, so courtesy of Soundbite's abilities, we'll be broadcasting everything that happens in the ship. Buuut to keep things fair, we won't broadcast what Foxy and Luffy say to each other. I mean, our captain doesn't need trickery to win, really."

    "HEEHEEHEEhoohoohoo! BURN!"

    "Your faith in your captain is admirable, but we'll see how well he actually does!"

    "And here's hoping it's a flashy smackdown with that rubber idiot on the receiving end!" Buggy barked with a pump of his fist. "Go, my brother in flashiness! Pound that rubber-brained bastard's head into the ground!"

    "Hmm hmm, yes, best of luck to—hm?" Alvida paused in her chuckling as a thought struck her. "Wait a second… Buggy, you're always quite specific when you write in the logbook, yes?"

    "But of course!" The pirate-clown raised his nose in a sniff, unwittingly causing a tsunami on the opposite side of the world in the process. "I might embellish and make things read as slightly flashier than they really were, but I never lie! Believe me…" Buggy's expression became ashen, visible even under his makeup. "The first mate of the first ship I worked on made sure of that…"

    "Right…" Alvida cocked her eyebrow at the reaction before continuing. "But anyway, I read your log awhile back, and the thought occurs to me… besides stabbing Roronoa and doing some damage to Luffy's hat, did you ever actually manage to land a—" She stopped as she processed the disembodied hand holding a knife mere millimeters in front of her eye.

    "Your Smooth-Smooth skin is supposed to protect you from any attacks, be they bladed or blunted," Buggy stated in a tone of frigid calm. "But I'm personally curious as to whether or not it protects your eyes if something is shoved in hard enough, too. So help me, Alvida, if you don't stop provoking me, I'll find out, and you may find yourself looking more like a stereotypical pirate. Am I clear?"

    Alvida did not flinch, but neither did she continue to speak. Buggy withdrew the blade with a huff. "And for the record, I did draw blood, and more importantly, I got him to be serious. That's at least more than you ever did."

    Buggy took great satisfaction in the ugly scowl that marred Alvida's face.

    "Anyway, it would appear that Luffy's still looking for Foxy, and is currently searching the ship's rather impressive gun deck. Ah, but wait! A closing door has indicated Foxy's position!"

    "A door on the gun deck, huh?" Ito grinned eagerly. "Then that can only mean the nefarious Spike Hell trap! It looks like Luffy's in quite a bind, because if he rushes in blindly, he'll suffer the consequences of that which lies beyond!"

    "Huh? There's a trap beyond the door?" Luffy asked in surprise. "Wow, thanks, wide-mouth!"

    "Wait, wha—YOU'RE STILL BROADCASTING WHAT WE'RE SAYING TO THEM!?"

    "Yes ah am, yes ah am!"

    "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM NOT NEEDING TRICKERY!?"

    "Well, first off, I only said that we wouldn't broadcast their voices to each other, and second, while Luffy doesn't need trickery to win, I'm sure as hell not above perpetrating it for his sake! I'm sure that's a concept you're familiar with, no?"

    "Grrrghh…"

    BOOM!

    "Gah! What was tha—? DID HE JUST FIRE A CANNON INSIDE OUR SHIP?!"

    "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, STRAW HAT?!"

    "Hey, widemouth said that there was a trap in there, so I just didn't go in!"

    "Widemou—? ITOMIMIZU, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'M GOING TO USE YOU AS A PUNCHING BAG!"

    "MEEP!"

    "Oh, yeah, now I REMEMBER! HE REMINDS ME OF BEAKER! GEEZE, THAT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY…"

    "Well, now that you mention it…"

    "I AM NOT A MUPPET!"

    "…Well, that's a phrase I never thought I'd hear again," Buggy muttered to himself.

    Alvida shot him a bemused look. "What the hell kind of ship did you serve on before going independent?"

    "That, my dear, is a secret that I fully intend to take to my grave," Buggy replied, halfway between smug and serious.

    "Huh. Wasn't sure you'd know that one," Cross muttered. "Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Luffy was hunting down Foxy so that he could pound his face in."

    "Not for long, he's not," Foxy muttered, along with the sound of a closing door. "Foxy Face Transformation!"

    -o-​

    "Oh, hello, dear!"

    The members of Thriller Bark's locally infamous Mysterious Four stared at the Transponder Snail in a combination of shock and horror as an ear-achingly falsetto voice scratched at their ears.

    "What brings you here, hm?" Foxy asked faux-meekly, his voice quite obviously wavering from fatigue. "A-Are you numb? Is it your skull? That's it, isn't it, you're a numbskull?"

    "That is both one of the best and worst medical pun-insults that I have heard in all my life," Hogback deadpanned.

    "…I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Foxy thought that would fool anyone, or the fact that it apparently has if he's actually still using it," Absalom muttered, and then frowned deeper as the sound of a door closing and footfalls came across the connection. "And there we are, Straw Hat's leaving, more testament to his sheer—"

    "OH, WAIT! That face…"

    "Oh? Is there hope for Straw Hat yet?" Moria wondered aloud.

    "HEY! ARE YOU HIS SISTER?"

    "Apparently not," Hogback sighed.

    "Well, well, it would seem that Foxy's utterly pathetic ploy has actually managed to work! How any mask, especially one that horrific, could possibly hide that amount of ugliness, utterly boggles the mind!"

    The sound of someone slumping to their knees, along with a heavy metallic clunk, was clearly transmitted. "I wish I was a sea slug…" a pathetic voice whimpered.

    "…Perona, when did you expand your range that much?" Absalom asked the bemused Ghost Princess.

    "I didn't. He's just got the lowest self-esteem I've ever heard of," she said dryly.

    A sudden THWACK cracked over the connection, causing the snail to wince. "OW! WATCH IT, ITO!"

    "WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!?" the opposing commentator snarled back. "BOSS, YOU'RE NOT UGLY! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! YOUR WHOLE CREW IS BEHIND YOU!"

    "Fehfehfehfeh!" Foxy piped up smugly. "But of course I am! None are greater than Silver Fox Foxy!"

    A heavy sweatdrop hung from Perona's head. "Make that the most delicate self-esteem I've ever heard of."

    "Wait a second… YOU'RE FOXY, AREN'T YOU!?" Luffy suddenly roared.

    "… Whoops," Foxy and Ito chorused, before a series of rapid footfalls and doors opening came across the connection. Finally, it stopped.

    "I'm gonna kick your—"

    "W-WAIT, WAIT! C-Can you at least wait long enough for me to take my pain medication?" Foxy hastily begged.

    Luffy's grumble was audible, but he didn't deny him. And a few seconds later, there was the sound of a bottle opening…

    SPROING! "AH, what the—?"

    "SLOW-SLOW BEAM, DINGUS!"

    "… Soundbite? I think I recognized that sound. Please tell me that I didn't. PLEASE tell me that Foxy didn't just outsmart Luffy with literally the oldest trick in the book."

    "I wish I could, Cross. I REALLY WISH I could," Soundbite moaned. "He fell for the PAPER SNAKES IN A BOTTLE!"

    "Luffy, you complete fucking moron."

    "Fehfehfehfehfeh! That's the one trick I've kept that's never worked before, it was just too much of a classic to discard! I honestly didn't think I'd ever use it as more than a party favor!" Foxy cackled. "Now then, in return for all the pain you've dealt me… NINE-TAILED RUSH!"

    "AAAAAAAARGH!" Luffy slowly cried out in pain as yet another round of impacts rang out.

    Absalom winced and rubbed his jaw sympathetically. "I have an inch of leather protecting me, and even I think that hurts..."

    "Kishishishi!" Moriah snickered grimly as he bared his fangs. "It just goes to show: never underestimate the tricksters! Represent, Foxy! Kishishishi!"

    Finally, the barrage halted, and Foxy was left panting and wheezing. "Eesh… that took it out of me… never had to do so many Rushes in succession... credit to you, Straw Hat, you're one of the toughest fights I've had in years. But now… we move to something horrible." The sound of mechanical grinding, followed by the echoey howl of wind. "Ah, but of course, it's not alive. After all, that would be against the rules. I presume the snail can attest to that, no?"

    "Soundbite?"

    "It might not be alive BUT SOMETHING'S SURE THE HELL DOWN THERE!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?"

    "Your captain is about to find out. Time's up, Straw Hat."

    The sound of fists smacking into rubbery flesh rang out anew, and Luffy cried out in both pain and panic for a second before his voice suddenly took on an echoey tone.

    -o-​

    "Sounds like Straw Hat's in SUPER! trouble now. I wonder what Split-head's gonna do next?" wondered a man in a very revealing outfit.

    "I'm wondering what he deems so horrible that he purposely led Straw Hat to it. It must be a powerful weapon," said another man wearing half a pair of unique goggles, his perpetual grin faded in favor of a thoughtful expression.

    "Ugh… man, that hurt..." Luffy groaned miserably before blinking in confusion. "Wait… where am I? And where's that dumb fox!?"

    "Up here, Straw Hat!" Foxy's voice suddenly called out. "And to answer your first question, you're deep in what I call the belly of the beast! Allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of over a dozen shipwrights and inventors from all corners of the world collaborating to create the perfect war machine!" A mechanical howl of fury rang out throughout the room. "THE GORILLA PUNCHER #13!"

    "Huh… that's actually kinda cool," Luffy whistled. "One question though."

    "What?"

    "Is the gorilla head necessary?"

    "…Necessary?" Foxy repeated.

    "Whatever that thing is, it has a gorilla head?" Mozu asked in a dull tone.

    "They built 13 of them?" Kiwi concurred.

    "Luffy actually knows a word with that many syllables?" Nami's voice asked in the same tone.

    "COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!" Foxy roared, fury obvious in his voice. "YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING MUCH WHEN I BEAT YOU INTO A PULP! GORILLA PUNCHER #13, DEPLOY!"

    A whiffing sound came from the call, followed by Soundbite's confused voice.

    "ITO, what exactly is THAT THING?!"

    "Ah, I didn't think I'd ever get to answer that question!" Ito said happily. "The Gorilla Puncher #13 is the Boss' ultimate weapon! A 36-foot-tall machine with 25 five-foot tall boxing gloves attached to the front! They deploy at the boss' orders, firing hard, firing fast, and just outright firing, bursting into flames on impact! What's more, the room it's in has a mirror in the back to reflect the Boss' Slow-Slow Beams, making it nearly impossible to dodge the gloves! And, as the final touch, it's even capable of moving on caterpillar treads!"

    "Yeah, at what sounds like A MILLIMETER A MINUTE!"

    "Unfortunately, that's because the only way to power the machine is via peddling! As glorious as our boss is, he's not really what you'd call a 'leg man'."

    Franky suddenly stiffened before taking a piece of paper out and starting to sketch on it, his face a mask of concentration.

    "What's up, Big Bro?" the Square Sisters asked as they looked over his shoulder.

    "Well, you know, all things considered, while I'm SUPER! inclined to root for the Straw Hats..." Franky cracked his neck side to side with an eager grin. "I can't help but feel inspired by that machine. I think I might even go for an upgrade!"

    "Yeah, like that wasn't obvious before," cut in Cross's wry tone.

    "OKAY, NOW YOU'RE JUST STARTING TO PISS ME OFF, CROSS!" Foxy raged.

    "Would you prefer I leave that to Soundbite instead?"

    "Ooooooh—!" the snail started to sing eagerly.

    "… Withdrawn," Foxy grumbled. "NOW, BACK TO MY WELL-DESERVED VENGEANCE! NORO-NORO BEA—!"

    SMASH!

    "GAH! THE MIRROR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT COST, YOU BASTARD!?"

    "About a tenth of Porche's cosmetic budget?" Chopper cut in.

    "WATCH IT, YOU LITTLE—…huh. Actually, that's about right," Porche admitted.

    "I just took Nami's usual wardrobe budget and doubled it."

    THWACK!

    "OW! DAMN IT, I WASN'T EVEN AMPED THAT TIME!"

    "STOP GOING THROUGH MY RECEIPTS FOR SCRAP-PAPER, MISTLETOE-BREATH!"

    "YOU MEAN HOLLY, AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT!"

    "ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CAPTAIN'S DUEL HERE!" Foxy roared furiously.

    "Oh, fine. We'll let LUFFY get back to POUNDING YOU!"

    "Right! GUM-GUM PISTOL!"

    The sound of a heavy blow hitting flesh rang out, followed by a cry of pain.

    "GAH! That's it, Straw Hat, you're through! Slow-Slow Beam!"

    "Woah! Oh, crap!"

    "HA, that fancy footwork won't help you anymore! GORILLA PUNCH SOLID GOLD HITS!

    And then, the connection became filled with a symphony of steel hitting flesh and fire burning, followed by a large explosion. A large amount of coughing later…

    "Wow, what an intense match!" Cross whistled in awe. "This isn't the hardest fight Luffy's had in his life, but damn if it isn't one of the most cinematic!"

    "That's an understatement! This is the closest to up close and personal that I've ever been to a beating from the Gorilla Puncher!" Itomimizu cried out eagerly. "But I'd know that detonation anywhere, and even if I can't see through all of this smoke, I know that there's only one outcome to this! Two forms are emerging, and…"

    There was a second of bated breath before cheers erupted… from the Foxy Pirates.

    "And the Boss is the only man left standing, while Straw Hat Luffy lies burned on the ground! It looks like the match is over!"

    "LUFFY!" over half of the Straw Hats cried out.

    "Holy crap…" Zambai breathed as the Franky Family fell silent.

    Franky, meanwhile, was just as quiet, his eyes shadowed as he bowed his head, his arms crossed over his chest.

    "Well, Straw Hat Luffy put up one hell of a fight, the toughest we've ever seen by far, but it looks like this match is over!"

    "Only if you're willing to blatantly disregard the rules, wide-mouth."

    "Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Cross?!"

    "What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that this fight doesn't end until either a Captain's left the ring or one of them is no longer able to fight, so you better not even think about touching that bell, because we're sure as hell not done yet!"

    "But Luffy is—!"

    "HE'S UP! LUFFY'S GOTTEN UP!"

    "HE WHAT!?"

    "HE'S WHAT!?" the Franky Family roared in unison, shaking the Franky House down to its foundations.

    "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Cross roared in approval.

    "I-I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING!" Itomimizu screamed in both shock and terror. "Straw Hat Luffy just took a beating that would kill most any other man alive… AND YET HE'S STILL STANDING AND READY FOR A FIGHT!"

    "H-Holy crap..." Zambai stammered out incredulously.

    "What the hell is he made of, rubber cement!?" Kiev questioned.

    "Nah, it's the afro. That's what's giving him the strength he needs," Tamagon said, nodding sagely.

    "So… you got back up," Foxy wheezed, obviously as much on his last legs as Luffy. "Guess there must be something in that afro after all."

    There was suddenly a slightly electronic whoosh, followed by Luffy grunting in confusion.

    "A lot of good it'll do you, though," Foxy grinned in a smug manner. "I just got you with my Slow-Slow sword. It lets me channel Slowmo photons into a concentrated beam. Less area of impact, faster deployment. As it is, your arms and legs are frozen. Now… let's finish this. MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUSH! RUSH! RUSH!"

    The previous beatdowns had been brutal, but this… this was just insane. It sounded as though an entire mob of people was wailing on Luffy, wrought metal smashing into rubbery flesh over and over and over again.

    Finally, the barrage ended with the sound of a body crashing to the floor.

    The connection was filled with the sound of labored panting before, slowly, a wheezy chuckle started up.

    "Fehfehfeh, fehfeh… eh?"

    Leather scraped against wood, flesh groaned in protest, and then a second panting breath joined Foxy's.

    "S-S-Straw Hat is up again!" Ito shrieked fearfully. "Even after taking so many blows… h-how is this possible!?"

    "…Or is it more than just the afro after all?" Tamagon breathed.

    "…damn…" Foxy eventually bit out. "Damn, damn, DAMN SNOT-NOSED ROOKIE! SLOW-SLOW BEAM!"

    There was a slight grunt of annoyance more than anything…

    "TAKE A HINT AND STAY DOWN, DAMN IT! MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUUUUSH!"

    And then the barrage came again, sounding even worse than the first, if that was at all possible.

    Once again it ended, and once again only one person could be heard panting. "You did good, rookie…You fought hard…" Foxy wheezed heavily. "But this… is the end of the line."

    The Franky House was silent as Foxy started to shuffle away.

    "Luffy, come on! Get up! Keep fighting!" Usopp called out.

    "Get up, Luffy!" yelled Conis.

    "YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY!" cried Chopper.

    "SHOW US THE WILLPOWER THAT BEAT THE LIGHTNING-BASTARD!" Su shrieked.

    "C'mon, Luffy, get up and pound that fox!" Lassoo snarled.

    "It's not over yet, this is not over yet…" Cross growled beneath his breath.

    "FIGHT, DAMN IT, FIIIIIIGHT!"

    And yet, nothing happened.

    "Oh my God…" Mozu whispered.

    "D-Did he actually—?" Kiwi started to say—

    SLAM!

    —before she was interrupted by two massive fists crashing down on both sides of the Transponder Snail.

    "GET UP, LUFFY!" Franky roared at the top of his lungs, glaring nails at the snail.

    "B-Big bro!?" Zambai stammered in confusion.

    "Damn it all, Strawhat, get the hell up!" the cyborg snarled, glaring bloody murder at the snail. "I know that we've never actually met, I know that you can't hear me and I know that this is SUPER! crazy…" Franky grit his jaw as the ghostly whistle of a sea train roared in his ears. "But damn it, I know for a fact that people like you don't give up easy! You don't get taken down by a beating, you don't buckle under pressure, and you sure as hell don't give up! So get up, damn it! Get up and keep fighting! Get up and pound this bastard's head in!"

    "Big bro…" the Franky Family breathed in collective awe. Said awe intensified as a very recognizable sound came across the connection, followed by a weak but firm voice.

    "What..." Foxy breathed in dull horror before roaring in both fury and panic. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?"

    "I won't lose… a single member of my crew… EVEN… IF IT KILLS ME!"

    "Ah… ah… UNBELIEVABLE! STRAW HAT LUFFY HAS GOTTEN UP AGAIN!"

    "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! KICK HIS ASS, CAPTAIN!"

    "GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" Franky roared, taking his signature pose as he did so.

    "GO, STRAW HAT!" the Square Sisters echoed, mirroring Franky's movements.

    "LU-FFY! LU-FFY! LU-FFY!" the Franky Family began to chant.

    -o-​

    Elsewhere on the island of Water 7, one of the top five Galley-La shipwrights had moved to an isolated location to listen to the SBS.

    He'd decided that it was a prudent move to seclude himself from his 'coworkers', on account of how the pirate's admittedly admirable determination was starting to have an effect on him.

    More specifically, Rob Lucci's self-control was very swiftly whittling away, as evidenced by the way he was starting to tremble and the immense effort it took to keep his expression neutral and his size constant.

    He'd been barraged with flaming steel gauntlets, and gotten up. He'd been barraged with spiked gauntlets twice, and he'd gotten up twice. And now, after briefly swaying the entire opposing crew in his favor, after the deceptively powerful pirate had struck him with what was supposedly his best shot, a punch at the speed of a cannonball and then the cannonball itself, he was getting up for a fourth time. And the words he spoke next…

    "I'm… going to… win!"

    Fatigued, but spoken with earthshaking resolve. And at that point, Lucci's control failed him, and his lips moved into a feral and bloodthirsty grin. His blood, his adrenaline, every inch of his body felt like it was on fire, and for all he tried to stay cool and calm, he couldn't deny the primal part of himself that absolutely loved it.

    "You… win!?" Foxy spat ferociously. "As if! You're barely staying on your feet! But if you want a fight…" There was a rush of shoes on wood. "THEN I'M HAPPY TO OBLIGE! MEGATON NINE-TAILED—!"

    There was a second of panting from Straw Hat, but then there was a hiss of breath. "Gum-Gum!" the pirate snarled out, a metric ton of steel in his voice.

    "RUUUUSH!"

    "GAAAATLIIIING!"

    The noise that followed could only be described as absolute brutality. Two flurries of punches meeting one another head on, fist against fist, skull against skull, the true totality of strength that both fighters could bring to bear.

    "THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED!" Itomimizu called out in awe. "BOTH FIGHTERS ARE GOING ALL OUT, PUTTING EVERY FIBER OF THEIR BEINGS INTO ONE! FINAL! BRAWL!"

    "THIS THE ULTIMATE SLUGFEST, PEOPLE!" Cross proclaimed in much the same tone, shouting to make himself heard. "FISTS ARE FLYING FASTER THAN THEY HAVE ANY RIGHT TO AND BOTH CONTESTANTS ARE TAKING A POUNDING! LUFFY MIGHT BE ON HIS LAST LEGS BUT FOXY IS STILL MANAGING TO TAKE A LICKING AND KEEP ON KICKING! THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A ROYAL RUMBLE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! THIS! IS! CRUNCH TIME!"

    The punches continued, but slowed slightly, barely discernable. More obvious was that Foxy's punches were the ones slowing down, more and more of his grunts of pain and less and less of his sharpened punches coming through.

    "How… can a dying man… fight so hard!?" Foxy spat, hacking out a glob of blood. "Grggh… Enough… ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW! SLOW-SLOW BEA—!"

    Without any warning whatsoever, the sound of the brawl died, leaving nothing but absolute silence.

    "W-What the—?" Itomimizu breathed numbly. "B-Both fighters are just standing there…"

    Murmurs of confusion started to drift over the connection. Then the sound of something hitting the floor.

    "Wha—STRAW HAT IS DOWN!?" Itomimizu cried joyously. "STRAW HAT IS DOWN AND THE BOSS IS STILL STANDING!"

    "But Luffy is the only one moving!" Cross cut in, cackling like a cut-rate stage villain.

    "Wait, wha—WHAT!?" the Foxy's commentator gasped in shock.

    "Daaaaamn yooooouuuuu," Foxy's voice ground out slower than expected.

    "H-HE'S RIGHT! THE BOSS IS FROZEN! B-B-BUT HOW!?"

    Then came a clinking sound, followed by Soundbite roaring with laughter. "THE MIRROR! LUFFY'S AFRO SNAGGED A PIECE WHEN HE smashed it!"

    "HAIL TO THE AFRO, BABY!" Cross concurred.

    "This… is… the end…" Luffy ground out.

    "Soundbite, care to do the honors?"

    "YES, CROSS, I WOULD! Ahem… FINISH HIM!"

    A sound of whirling rubber, and Foxy letting out a slow beginning of what was clearly meant to be a scream of terror.

    "GUM-GUM… FLAIL!"

    WHAM!

    The sound of leather connecting with flesh, but nothing more. Luffy's panting became audible, and he started walking away.

    "By Jones himself," Itomimizu breathed numbly.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, we have t-minus fifteen…" Cross breathed reverentially before grinning like a madman. "People of the world, I ask you to join me in the countdown to VICTORY! SAY IT WITH ME NOW, ALL TOGETHER! TWELVE! ELEVEN!"

    The edges of the table were suddenly pulped by Lucci's claws due to the intensity of his grip, and saliva dribbled from his slavering jaws as he towered over the now utterly terrified snail. If he'd had any doubts in his mind before about what he would do after this mission was complete, they were well and truly dead now. The second his mission was complete, the second he was free, he would cash in every vacation day he'd been saving up for as long as he'd been alive, every last one of them, all for the express purpose of seeking out Straw Hat Luffy for the fight of his life.

    "Ten," the leopard-man growled eagerly.

    -o-​

    The leather-faced man was giving Eneru a run for his money with his expression as he took in the broadcast coming from the snail in Enies Lobby's central office. Two of the other three inhabitants of the room had their jaws dropped as well, but were focused more on the fact that the Carnivorous Zoan had instinctively shifted to his hybrid form, unknowingly replicating the reaction of his rival several knots away.

    "Nine," the wolf-man grinned, while his leader trembled as he remembered the geography of the local waters.

    -o-​

    "EIGHT!" cheered every patron and employee in Takoyaki 8, Hachi being particularly exuberant.

    -o-​

    "SEVEN, DO-RE-MI-SO!" Ryuboshi and Manboshi twirled in synch, causing their big-yet-younger sister to giggle as a result.

    -o-​

    Beneath the ocean's surface in a space that most of the world did not know of, a man with a golden hook in place of his left hand smirked in response to the broadcast. He bore no grudge against the rookie that had annihilated his plans, but up until now, every broadcast had only reinforced his opinion of him as a complete and utter moron. But here was the proof that losing to him hadn't been a fluke brought about purely by extreme overconfidence. Here was… vindication.

    "Six," Crocodile stated, smirking.

    -o-​

    "Five," a trenchcoat-wearing man stated reluctantly at his partner's prompting. The young painter and the young dragon tamer nearby chuckled at him, while everyone else apart from the stoic first mate was crowing in euphoria, none more than the captain.

    -o-​

    "FOUR!" cheered a trio of exuberant children who, along with an unusually interested butler, were all clad in afros, much to the butler's mistress' amusement.

    -o-​

    "THREE!" a past-his-prime Vice Admiral roared in drunken exuberance, joined by his equally sloshed students.

    Two of the Marines who were watching the impromptu party were sporting sweatdrops.

    "Weren't those two brats drinking grape juice?"

    "Yes. Yes, they were."

    -o-​

    "TWO!" two sons and one daughter of the sea chorused as they pumped their fists victoriously, the daughter's dreadnought of a ship firing a deafening cannonade to punctuate the words.

    -o-​

    In a country of pure white, a man who was changing the world stood on the balcony of his command center, staring out at the horizon even as his subordinates (those who weren't wearing noise-cancelling headphones as they continued to work, anyway) celebrated within.

    Nevertheless, for all that he appeared apathetic, Dragon tilted his head down and grinned a grin that had caused the Elder Stars many a headache.

    "One."

    -o-​

    "ZERO!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

    THWACK! "GYAGH!"

    The effect was instantaneous: Foxy's face caved in as he was sent literally flying, the delayed impact launching him so high into the air that he was level with Ito and I.

    I smiled as wide as I could manage as I watched Foxy fly up up up... before reversing momentum and falling down down down…

    SPLASH!

    And impacting the water.

    I watched bubbles drift up from where he'd landed for a second before popping to my feet (which earned me an indignant "Watch it!" from Chuchun in the process) and pumping my fist in the air. "THE WINNER BY RING-OUT AND AN ABSOLUTE ASS-LOAD OF SHEER FUCKING GUTS!" I cried through my smile before pointing down at my captain, who was posing for the crowd. "MONKEY! D.! STRAAAW-HAAAT LUUUFFYYY!"

    "YEAAAAAAH!" the rubber man bellowed.

    I sighed, grinning widely. "Well, ladies and gentlemen of the world… what you witnessed today? That is the willpower needed if you're going to pledge your life to the pursuit of Gold Roger's throne and the world's greatest treasure. And once we wrap up the rest of this game, we'll get back to the pursuit of that. It'll only get harder from here, but I'm certain that we will overcome anything that this insane world throws at us. So, with our captain vindicated and his vengeance acquired, I think we're gonna end this here. Until next time, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

    "And SOUNDBITE!"

    "—Of the SBS, signing off!"

    I replaced the transceiver before letting out a breath, and turning to Itomimizu again, a tired smile on my face. "A good match?"

    The Foxy Pirates' announcer smiled grudgingly. "The best I've ever seen. You and your crew are all right."

    "Same to you, wide-mouth!" I grinned, before gesturing at the island. "Now then, I'm starting to get airsick, so what say we get back on solid ground?"

    "Oh, yeah, sure thi…" Ito trailed off slowly before snapping his eyes wide in horror. "OH NO, THE BOSS!"

    "HURRY, SAVE THE BOSS!" Porche cried desperately.

    I started to snicker as I watched the Foxy's scramble to the front of the stadium...

    "DIVE, CHUCHUN, DIVE!"

    Before snapping my eyes wide in panic. "Wait, what?! Nononono—!"

    SPLASH!

    "ARGHBRBLRGH!" "IT BURNS, IT BURNS!"

    -o-​

    One long period of resuscitation, medical treatment, and well-employed shipwrighting skills later, the Foxy Pirates were slowly packing up the festival that accompanied the Davy Back Fight, us Straw Hats watching and wrapping up our own treatments.

    "Damn it, I wasn't even on the stands…" I muttered around the bandage strip I was holding in my mouth as I wrapped it around my arm and yanked, snapping the bandage from its roll.

    "Well, look on the bright side!" Chopper prompted as he scrubbed the salt out of his fur.

    "Alright, venison-breath, I'll bite," Su huffed as she squeezed her tail dry. "What bright side?"

    Chopper nodded his head at a nearby bucket, whose lip Soundbite had parked himself over and was currently retching into. "Now we know that Soundbite's aversion to salt is entirely psychosomatic and it only makes him ill instead of outright killing him."

    Soundbite raised his eyestalks out of the bucket to glare bloody murder at Chopper. "Cold—HURK!" The snail's eyes went wide with horror as his cheeks bulged, hurriedly shoving his head back in the bucket and retching again. "Ugh… cold FUCKING COMFORT."

    "You know, far be it from me to complain about it not being that easy to kill Soundbite, but how does that even make sense?" I wondered.

    "Natural selection," Chopper answered with a glint in his eyes. "Transponder Snails have been in use on ships for communications for years. Those with too-weak constitutions and too-mucus-y bodies fried and those who were tough enough survived." Chopper then blinked and paused for a second before continuing. "And for the record, that resistance is against seawater, where the salt's diluted. I'd still recommend avoiding the pure stuff like the plague."

    "Noted…" I said, slowly scooting away from the doctor.

    "Knock it off," Chopper rolled his eyes dismissively. "I know that I was using the madness voice. I've been trying to get it under control recently! I've actually been making some great progress too. Watch!" Aaaand there was the spark again. "So long as I keep the partition down for only a minute or so at a time, I can keep my mind sane and under control, so that I concentrate on the task at hand rather than going on a tangent about bio-technological improvement, advanced chemical warfare, vivisection, live TESTING—!"

    THWACK!

    "OW, DANG IT!… Thanks, Boss."

    "Looks like you need more practice," the Dugong dryly stated.

    "No, really? I hadn't noticed," Lassoo huffed as he coughed out a few tongues of fire.

    "CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?!" Foxy suddenly howled at us.

    "Ah, right! Straw Hat still has a decision to make! Who among the Foxy Pirates will he take for his crew?" Itomimizu asked, still on his loudspeaker.

    "Yeah, yeah, hold your horses," I said, waving my hand as I jabbed my thumb at a snoring Luffy. "We wanted to wait for Luffy to wake up naturally, but if you insist… Chopper?"

    The human-reindeer gave me a salute. "You got it, Cross." He dug a syringe of slightly… moving liquid out of his pack and delicately positioned it over Luffy's chest.

    Then he swapped to his Muscle Point and rammed the syringe into Luffy's chest, discharging its contents into him and causing him to jolt before leaping up onto his feet.

    "Impwessive bedside mannah," Carue snickered.

    "HE LEARNED from the best," Soundbite snarked queasily.

    "Get off my back, Luffy's skin might be rubbery, but it's as thick as ox-hide! I need to use as much muscle as possible to get through to him! I'm pretty sure that you must know what that's like."

    "Withdrawn," Nami, Vivi and I chorused.

    "Whoo! Better than smelling salts!" Luffy roared as he opened his eyes. "Ah! Wait, this isn't Makino's room!"

    I opened my mouth and shut it with a click in the same instant. "So many questions. And absolutely none are in any way relevant to the issue at hand." I jabbed my thumb at the Foxy's gathered crew. "You won, captain, so now we need to pick one of these mooks to have on our crew."

    "Oh, that's easy," Luffy said. "I choose…!"

    The Foxy Pirates collectively sucked in a breath, waiting for the verdict that would change one of their lives forever...

    "Hold it!"

    When Usopp's voice caused them all to facefault at once.

    "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?" Foxy demanded.

    "Just wait a second!" Usopp shot back before giving Luffy a hesitant look. "Luffy, Cross, I just want you both to know that I trust you two with my life, I really do, but…" He spread his arms helplessly. "This is just insane, even by our standards! Are you really sure that you guys want to do this?"

    Luffy looked pensive for a moment, but then grinned. "Don't worry, Usopp, it'll be fine! If they try anything, we can fight them off! Right?"

    "…And there's his deadly charisma again," Usopp grumbled.

    "And besides," I added in. "Unless you've missed it, I've been on something of a hot streak. A few hiccups, sure, but come on, don't you trust me?"

    The sniper gave me a flat look. "You, I have much less confidence in."

    I gave him a dry look right back. "Well, fuck you, too." I sighed wearily before spinning my fingers. "Alright, enough chit-chat, let's get this over with. Captain, if you wouldn't mind?"

    "Right!" Luffy nodded before pointing into the crowd.

    Or rather, pointing at its front. "Foxy!"

    For a few seconds, the entirety of the Foxy Pirates froze. Then they erupted in indignant and desperate responses.

    "CAPTAIN, NO!"

    "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

    "CROSS, YOU VINDICTIVE BASTARD!" Porche shrieked, a scant few newtons from snapping her baton.

    "This isn't funny, this isn't funny, this isn't funny…" Hamburg muttered on repeat.

    "OH, THE HUMANITY! OH, THE HUMANITY!" Itomimizu wept into his microphone.

    "Ahem?"

    "You and Monda lost that court case, Capote, I don't have to say sapient-ity, so back off!"

    "Damn."

    Foxy, for his part, stood silently for a moment before slowly approaching Luffy with a look of resignation that was slowly turning to peace. "I suppose that if I'm following a captain who can speak to Whitebeard without so much as a flinch, I can't exactly complain," he said. Then he bowed to his new captain. "Let it never be said that I do not respect the code of the Davy Back Fight. I hereby swear my loyalty to the Straw Hat Pirates."

    "Perfect." I clasped my hands eagerly. "Now, follow us onto the Merry. We have a lot to talk abou—"

    "A-AS ACTING CAPTAIN OF THE FOXY PIRATES!"

    All attention snapped over to the mass of Foxy Pirates, where a voice had shrieked out.

    Porche's head was bowed as her chest heaved, shivers racking her entire body before she looked up, rage and determination flooding her face as she jabbed a finger at Luffy, "I HEREBY CHALLENGE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES TO A ONE-COIN DAVY BACK FIGHT! W-WE HAVE MORE TO OFFER, IT'S PLAIN TO SEE THAT YOU NEED A SHIPWRIGHT FOR THAT BOAT OF YOURS! IT'S ON ITS LAST LEGS, SO IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SINK, YOU HAD… better…"

    Porche trailed off as she found nineteen murderous glares trained on her. And just like that, her determination faded, and she fell on her knees and began to sob. "W-Who am I kidding? We can't beat them… we'll never get our Boss back…"

    "Hey now, let's not jump to conclusions here."

    Attention shifted over to me as I casually waved my hand. "I mean, maybe you will and maybe you won't. The situation is… complicated, to say the least."

    Foxy narrowed his eyes. "If this is all a ploy for you to 'steal' me only to kick me off the crew, so help me—!"

    "No, no, nothing like that," I swiftly assured him before pointing at the Merry. "Just… come with us to the Merry. Bring Porche and…" I trailed off as I eyed the infamous Four-Legged Dasher's girth. "On second thought, leave Hamburg. We need someone to keep the peace anyways. Meanwhile," I looked back at our crew. "We'll be joined by Luffy, Nami, Zoro, Vivi—"

    "So, essentially, the brains behind the crew plus one?" Robin hummed innocently.

    "Nice way of putting… it…" I glanced back at her. "There's some sort of insult in that question, isn't there?"

    Robin just chuckled, and I huffed before turning around and starting to march towards the Merry, snatching Soundbite off of his bucket as I went. "Anyway, while we're doing business, everyone else will keep the peace here until we get back. Now…" I shot a vicious grin at Porche as I passed her. "Shall we go?"

    -o-​

    A few minutes later, the eight of us were in the Merry's kitchen, some seated and some standing, with Sanji's well-prepared platter cart sitting a short distance away.

    "OK, first things first, Foxy. Before we get to the serious business, I need your powers to help with something," I stated, bringing over the cart. "Luffy is somehow capable of devouring this entire thing in the time it takes to blink. Fire your beam at him so we can see how he does it in slow motion."

    Foxy and Porche both looked at me with expressions that clearly said 'Are you kidding me?'

    "I'm quite serious. Let's just find out how this works, then we can move on to the more important things, alright?"

    Foxy shrugged as he aimed his hand at Luffy. "If you say so. Slow-Slow Beam!"

    The photons flew out and tagged Luffy, Luffy reached for the cart—

    —and the next thing I knew, he was licking his lips in satisfaction, said cart no longer in sight. I blinked, and looked around. Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite were all looking just as confused as I was, while Foxy and Porche were both astonished.

    "You weren't kidding. But… what just—?"

    The sound of paper fluttering drew everyone's attention up, and I stiffened as a note came to slap me in the center of my face. The others who knew what it meant stiffened as well, while Foxy and Porche were touching the ground with their jaws.

    I grabbed the note, scanned over it, and then my eyes narrowed. "There are things man was never meant to see. The secret behind Luffy's jaws is one of them. Be glad I managed to clock Kronos and grab that little stretch of time from existence, or else you'd have been TPK'd with your brains seeping out of your ears. Do try not to make me go back on what I said about favors again, because you won't be so lucky next time," I read flatly before looking up with a slightly haunted look. "…Let us never speak of this again," I stated calmly.

    "Agreed," Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite said together. I clapped my hands and turned back to Porche and Foxy, both of whom were looking distinctly ill-at-ease.

    "Alright, putting that behind us, let's get down to business. Foxy, I'll be blunt: before we showed up here, neither I nor any of my crewmates would have chosen you or anyone else from your crew to add to ours unless there was absolutely no choice, and even then, we probably would have just dismissed you straightaway. But I spent most of my brief period as one of your subordinates in your ship's library, reading your log book."

    They both suddenly looked much more alert as I started pacing back and forth, a grim smile playing across my face. "Quite an interesting story it told, too. Once upon a time, the Foxy Pirates were just a lowly, average pirate crew from the South Blue. They raided merchant ships, attacked small coastal towns—never did any actual grievous harm, mind you!" I snapped my finger up when I noticed my crewmates starting to glare bloody murder at the increasingly nervous Foxy's. "They only ever looted and pillaged. Not an excuse, but at least they were better than most."

    My crewmates subsided… marginally, anyways.

    "At any rate, that's the way their story went for a good while." I stopped pacing as I gave Foxy a look. "Until that day." Foxy looked away uncomfortably, obviously recognizing what I was referencing. "That fateful day, when you attacked a cargo ship in spite of the Marine Battleship escorting them. Obviously, as indicated by their continued existence, the Foxy's won, but for some reason, the events of that day cut off shortly after the ships' sighting. The next entry it has is the crew burning water for Reverse Mountain to enter the Grand Line, as though all Seven Warlords were at their heels.

    "And ever since then, well…" I spread my arms to indicate the room. "We just lived it. It's been all Davy Back Fights all the time. Sometimes the crew has flights of fancy with people too appealing to pass up, but for the most part, it's the best of the best, and no-one and nothing less. The crew has just kept growing since they entered the Grand Line, growing stronger and larger, and yet!" I stabbed my finger into the air. "Counterintuitively, not seeming to have any interest in making a name for yourself beyond what you already have. Heck, even all of the gold and assets that you do manage to get your hands on just go straight to replenishing your supplies, and that to no more than the bare minimum necessary for survival—or at least, what you consider the bare minimum, with all that carnival food—or materials to expand your ship and weaponry."

    I folded my arms smugly. "Do you know what that says to me? Do you know what conclusion I drew from that information, that made me risk and endure a very grievous ordeal to convince my crew that we should recruit you?"

    Foxy stared at me. Gone was the arrogant, ego-driven blowhard. All that remained was the kind of cold and calculated mind it would take to master the Slow-Slow Fruit into a weapon of destruction. "What do you think happened that day, Jeremiah Cross?" he asked slowly.

    I promptly zipped over to him and slammed my palms on the table, leaning over the top in order to look him in the eye. "I think that you found something that day," I hissed. "A logbook, maneuvering orders, a shipping manifesto, only you and your original crewmates know for certain, and quite frankly, the specifics are irrelevant. What matters is the conclusion that that information led you to. You got your hands on a tiny puzzle piece that day that you used to view the much larger picture."

    "And… what would this larger picture be, Cross?" Vivi asked hesitantly.

    My gaze never left Foxy as I answered. "That the Marines are gearing up for war."

    It was like someone threw ice water on my crewmates. Or at least, most of my crewmates. Luffy was, of course, oblivious. I sighed, smirking, and locked eyes with him.

    "Let me explain it to you this way, Luffy. Basically, Roger's last act didn't just inspire pirates to take to the Sea… he inspired everyone to come to the Grand Line."

    Hoping that I hadn't imagined the spark of understanding I saw in Luffy's eyes, I continued. "Every last person with even a little power in all the Blues, those who listened, packed up, gathered their strength, and flooded into the Grand Line. There are weaklings like Krieg, like Bellamy, yes, but that call also draws in people like Crocodile. People like Zoro, people like Ace, people like you. People with potential. Roger's last words drew in every wanderer, prodigy and powerhouse in the world to a single place, and it's still drawing them. The Grand Line is a powderkeg of pure, barely restrained power, and when it blows, it's going to rock the world to its core. Possibly literally."

    From Luffy's awestruck expression and the fact that he didn't automatically call it a 'mystery,' he seemed to have gotten the memo, and I smirked as I turned back to Foxy.

    "It's true, Foxy. Ever since the Great Pirate Era began, people have been winding up and up and up, preparing and tensing and waiting, waiting… waiting for the true storm Roger set in motion before he died to strike. And ever since you found that out, you've been doing the only thing you can: accumulating power and waiting for the day when it's time to batten down the hatches, nice and hard. You've been building a power base so that when the storm hits, you'll be able to survive with the power you've stockpiled."

    I finished by leaning in close and giving Foxy a conspiratorial grin. "And that's something that you and I have in common."

    Foxy and Porche both promptly stiffened in shock. "Wait, what?" the ex-captain blurted out.

    "I learned about the storm too, Foxy," I smirked eagerly. "And ever since I joined this crew, I've been ramping us up just as much. I prompted 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo to enter the Grand Line, and he worships Luffy, which means that he's a very close ally. I inspired the Dugongs of Alabasta to form the Great Kung Fu Fleet. I have numerous contacts in the Marine Corps, and they are high in the ranks. I am actively ingratiating our crew with the people of the world, earning the favor of the populace while tearing out the World Government's foundations. I've even sown a seed with Dragon the Revolutionary. And now?" I jabbed a finger in Foxy's chest. "Now you, hopefully the crowning achievement of my career as the Straw Hat Pirates' PR officer thus far."

    Foxy stared at me for a second, and then without warning, my collar was grabbed and I was wrenched around so that I was staring at Porche instead, whose expression was carefully controlled. "What are you proposing?" she asked slowly.

    I blinked before nodding in understanding. "Ahhh, I see, you're the 'face' of the operation in all aspects. Well, alright, then. If I may sit?" I proceeded to sit once she released me. "Alright, here's what I propose: dissolve the Foxy Pirates and then reform them under Foxy again, only this time as a subordina—"

    "Cross."

    I winced as Luffy's voice hit me like a blunt instrument. "Ah, okay… alright, let's try that again: reform as a subdivision of the Strawhat Pirates, kind of like how Whitebeard runs his own crew?" I looked at Luffy for approval, and after a minute of hard thinking (I could almost hear the gears grinding), he nodded in acceptance. With the captain's consent, I looked back at Porche, who was frowning thoughtfully.

    "So you want us for our muscle…"

    "Incorrect," I promptly denied. "I want to incorporate your efforts into our own by making Foxy the Commander of the Straw Hat Pirates' Recruitment Division. You'd keep doing what you've been doing for the past few years, albeit with a few restrictions, only now you'll be doing it with a bigger group of allies supporting you… not that anyone besides said group will know that. We'll paint you a slightly different Jolly Roger; you'll know that it signifies your alliance, but the rest of the world will think that it's proof of our victory against you, and we allowed you to sail again only flying a flag that proclaimed your greatest loss."

    Porche exchanged looks with Foxy before refocusing on me. "You mentioned restrictions?"

    "Rule the first," I held up a finger. "No more targeting innocent bystanders to goad people into accepting your challenge. That shit you tried to pull with Shelly was unacceptable. If you want to taunt and goad, that's all fine and dandy, too bad for the poor bastards, but if they're the kind of people you need to aim at civilians to piss them off, then I want you to extend an open hand, and not a closed one with brass knuckles, got it?"

    Porche shot a glare over her shoulder. "Told you that that was a stupid plan."

    Foxy ground his teeth for a second, but reluctantly nodded in agreement.

    "Rule the second," I carried on, holding up a second finger. "Incorporate a Slaughter Rule. If you get over… one half of a crew or so, so many that the other crew can no longer operate, then the rest are allowed to join as well, no questions asked. No more crew-raiding and leaving the rest to rot, and if you need to start constructing a full-blown fleet to support them all, so be it."

    Both Foxy and Porche winced at that. "That'll slaughter our budget…" Porche muttered to herself.

    "Get a new one or find some alternative income," I bluntly stated. "Anyway, rule the third folds in with the second: no more snatching flags without redrawing them if they have them on their sails. I don't care how happy the ex-Fanged Frogs are now or how dickish their leftovers were, their blood is on your hands, and if you get any more, we won't be happy. And as we've no doubt already displayed…" Soundbite promptly bared his teeth and Zoro clicked an inch of his blade out its sheath. "You won't like us when we're anything but happy."

    Porche grimaced and exchanged glances with her former captain. Then she looked back at us. "And what happens if I say no?"

    "Then that will be when we dismiss Foxy from our crew," Vivi stated.

    Both of the Foxy's looked quizzical, and the ex-captain spoke up. "So, let me get this straight. If Porche declines, you let me go, and I get to take command of my crew again. If Porche accepts, I take command of my crew again, but I stay under your restrictions from now on. Either way, nothing really changes?"

    "Well, there is one difference," Nami said, smiling in a way that instantly put the two on their guard as she moved towards a corner of the room. "Usopp is the best artist on the crew, he's the one who drew our flag and sail. If you accept, we'll have him draw your new Jolly Roger. Otherwise, we'll leave it to Luffy."

    She grinned like the cat that got the canary as she unfolded a specific black cloth from a chest in the room. "Here, we saved Luffy's attempt at drawing our Jolly Roger for future reference. Take a look."

    Porche took one look at the cloth and promptly made most residents of Thriller Bark look alive by comparison. "… This is blackmail."

    "DID YOU FORGET THE PIRATE GAME we played not ten minutes ago?"

    Porche grimaced more, but Foxy…

    "Fehfehfeh… FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH!"

    Foxy started to laugh.

    "FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH! I've spent years upon years honing my skills, and not only do you beat me at my own game three times in a row, but you offer me the ultimate support to advance my goals!" he cackled before pointing a finger at Luffy. "You, sir, are a soft-hearted moron, and you—" He pointed at me. "Are a smug, smart-ass son of a bitch, but, I must acknowledge that I'd have to be a fool to pass up a chance like this and risk having you as my enemies down the line. Porche?" Foxy turned his attention to the diva.

    "Yes, bo—er…"

    "No, that's the right title. As of this moment, you're conceding command of the Foxy Pirates to me and we're sailing under the flag of the Strawhats. Incognito, but still." He cocked his head slightly. "Do you have a problem with that?"

    She snapped into a salute without hesitation, a goofy grin on her lips. "Not a one, boss!"

    "Welcome to the crew!" I said, clapping her on the back with a cheeky grin. "Now, how about you take Luffy out and break the news to the rest of the crew? I imagine there'll be some unrest and you'll need all the muscle you can get."

    Porche grinned and began to saunter over to Luffy. "Well, then, Captain—" she began in a sultry voice.

    "Oh, and by the way? Brain of a five-year-old and a libido to match."

    "Damn, I just can't catch a break today," Porche grumbled as she snapped away from Luffy and marched out the door, leaving Luffy blinking in confusion.

    "Uh… did I do something wrong?"

    "SO MANY ANSWERS, so little time," Soundbite sighed wistfully.

    "Just go and guarantee that the Foxy's don't revolt," I rolled my eyes before pausing and giving him a worried look. "To confirm, you're alright with this?"

    Luffy blinked at me in honest confusion. "Well, sure, why not? This is all pretty much your thing, and it's not doing anything other than getting us more crewmates which isn't bad, so I don't see a problem. What about you guys?"

    "All I see is a captain who's making way too much sense…" Zoro sighed heavily.

    "As long as they keep to the conditions we've set, the benefits should outweigh the costs," Vivi shrugged.

    "Hmm… well, as a subdivision, surely you'll be willing to give some monetary support to—" Nami began with a grin at Foxy.

    "That," Foxy interrupted firmly. "Is Porche's department. As captain, I have the authority to change it, but she's the treasurer. In any case, don't expect too much; you have less than two dozen mouths to feed, only half of which need clothing, while I have more than 500 crewmates to feed and clothe, and counting!"

    "Oh, trust me, I'll take that into consideration," Nami said, though the firmness with which she said it seemed to mollify Foxy. That firmness then faded into a downright lewd grin. "Buuut, a small portion of a large fortune is a large portion for us! Excuse me, I have negotiating—"

    "Hold it, Nami."

    "What?" she snapped.

    "Before we get to that, we should let the rest of our allies know about Foxy," I said, removing Soundbite from my shoulder and the transceiver from my bag. Nami's frustration faded and she nodded, prompting me to pick up the mic as Luffy followed after Porche. Soundbite needed no prompting to dial, and two rings later…

    "Pisces," came the distorted but recognizable voice that I'd been expecting.

    "Cancer," came another voice, less expected but equally recognizable.

    "Ophiuchus," I stated calmly. "I'm calling in regards to the proposal that Capricorn provided, with another proposed pirate crew to serve as ideal allies."

    "Don't tell me, let me guess," Cancer drawled. "You somehow managed to convince that fox to join you?"

    "He had to convince the rest of us to go along with it first," Nami said. "And it took a couple of hours for us to convince ourselves that he was actually Cross before we'd listen."

    "Almost not worth it," I grumbled before shaking my head and smirking. "Anyway, yes. As far as the rest of the world will know, Luffy chose his Jolly Roger as his prize for winning the Captain's Duel, and we gave him a slightly different new one as a symbol of our victory, so he has every reason to hate us. The truth? Luffy picked Foxy as his crewmate, and after some bargaining, he's agreed to become the head of our Recruitment Division, with the rest of his old crew joining wholesale. As such, he'll keep on going with the Davy Back Fights, and he'll be gathering many allies that would ordinarily never consider joining us. He's here now, actually, so why don't you two introduce yourselves?"

    "… I suppose we shouldn't even bother arguing, otherwise you'd just pull the 'I've never been wrong yet' card, wouldn't you?"

    "Hey, believe me, I wouldn't have planned this before I learned all of the details; even I didn't know everything," I promptly defended. "But what I've seen in the past few hours is enough to tell me that he's got a lot more potential than I thought. He's part of our crew now, he'll keep our secrets."

    Cancer was silent for a moment before sighing. "Fine. Soundbite, drop it. Foxy the Silver Fox?"

    "Yes?" Foxy asked cautiously.

    "I am Commodore 'White Hunter' Smoker, codename Cancer, cofounder of the Marine Corps splinter cell MI4."

    "And I'm Ensign Tashigi, codename Pisces, Commodore Smoker's second and another cofounder of MI4."

    "I am Ophiuchus, informant of MI4, an organization composed purely of Marines who have decided to act on the injustice that the Corps provides," I explained to a thunderstruck Foxy. "The other two leaders are going under the names Capricorn and Scorpio. Our goal is to destroy the World Government from the ground up to ensure that the injustice dies."

    "Capricorn recently came to the conclusion that we could benefit from employing unconventional allies, and I informed Cross of it. So, it looks like you're our first one, Foxy the Silver Fox. Welcome aboard," Tashigi said.

    "Please note that if you divulge the identities of those involved and in any way compromise this endeavor, we will hunt you down and we will do things to you that will make all of Impel Down look like San Faldo in comparison, capiche?" I stated.

    Foxy was left gaping for a solid minute. Finally, he shook his head. "You inspired a group of Marines to form their own version of the Revolutionary Army. Well, if it wasn't official before, it sure as hell is now: I made the right choice allying with a crew like yours, if only because I'd rather be at your back or your side then under your feet." He then gave me a searching look. "So… does this change what I'm expected to do at all?"

    "Passive duties, not active, don't worry. Your job will also be to gauge any Marines you come across, and pass the recommendations on to either us or Tashigi, whether for recruitment or court-martialing," I replied. I then snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. "Also, if you cross paths with the Kung-Fu Fleet or the Barto Club, tell them the truth about what happened, you can trust them."

    Foxy nodded solemnly. "Fair enough. So…" He grinned childishly. "Do I get a codename as well?"

    "Hmph… it's a good idea, but I think we should limit the Western Zodiac code names to Marines, apart from Cross. And he barely even counts," Smoker said.

    "Wait to say that until after my plan to sway an entire island for MI4 fails," I snapped.

    "I'm not holding my breath, Cross," Smoker deadpanned.

    "And I think he actually meant how Ophiuchus is considered an unofficial member of the Zodiac," Tashigi offered hesitantly.

    "That too."

    "…I withdraw my comment," I coughed in embarrassment, accepting the dopeslap Vivi offered me with dignity.

    "Ah… may I suggest using the Eastern Zodiac instead? The Snake would be fitting, yes?" Foxy offered.

    "Mmm… nah, I think Goat suits you better," I grinned.

    "WHAT?"

    "Well, to be fair, you're not a reptile," Vivi pointed out.

    "BUT-BUT-BUT—!"

    "Oh, and tell Capricorn to offer 'Rooster' to Barto when she gets the chance," I suggested.

    "He's certainly LOUD ENOUGH!" Soundbite chortled.

    "I-I-WHY NOT—?"

    "You're an expert at underhanded tricks, not a master. Train more, and we'll talk," Zoro grinned.

    "YOU—BUT—I—BUT—!"

    "Foxy? Friendly recommendation from someone who has had way too much firsthand experience with the Straw Hats: quit while you're ahead and try to salvage what little sanity you have left," Tashigi said.

    Foxy looked at the snail, teeth grit, and then sighed in defeat. "… So be it. Goat would have been my second choice, I suppose."

    "Alright, that aside, anything else you want to talk to us about, Handbag?"

    Silence. Dead silence as all of us stared at the snail as it started to shift about uncomfortably. "I-I-I just wanted to try to pay Cross back for mocking my codename, and-and snakeskin makes good design for—"

    "Go to your room, Tashigi. You know what you did wrong," Soundbite said, halfway between disgusted and grinning like a loon.

    "Wha—? But—!"

    "You heard the snail, Ensign," Smoker growled, and I swear that he was smirking as he said it.

    "B-B-But I—!…Y-Yes, Commodore," Tashigi sighed, followed by the sound of footfalls, and a door opening and then closing.

    "…Is it always like this?" Foxy asked no one in particular.

    "Welcome to the Strawhats!" I grinned as I slung my arm over his shoulder. "And yes, it is too late to get out. Good luck!"

    The resulting whimper was very satisfying.

    -o-​

    To no great surprise, the remainder of the Foxy Pirates had accepted the deal with relative ease. So, after exchanging numbers, all that was left was for us to give them a different Jolly Roger to sail under. The new skull resembled Su's head, and our captain's signature Straw Hat was attached to the scalp by a chain. At Foxy's pleading, however, we wrote out his name on the sail again. As satisfied as they could be, the Foxy Pirates released the Merry and departed, their well-repaired ship sailing away beyond the horizon.

    Zoro, Nami, and Robin were more on their guard as they watched the ship sail away, and I along with them. Maybe we could find some way to dodge Aokiji? Unlikely, but the plains here were wide enough without going back to—

    "Hey, kids, congratulations! How about I treat you to some victory cheese?"

    Tonjit's house. Damn it.

    "Ooh, sure thing, old man! Come on, you guys, let's—"

    "Oh, come on, Luffy, that cheese is 10 years old!" I hastily objected, somehow managing to keep the existential dread I felt out of my voice.

    "Who cares? VICTORY CHEESE!" Luffy cheered. I hid my dawning horror with a genuine facepalm.

    "Guys? Any chance for a veto here?" I requested with the barest hint of desperation.

    "Considering how the log hasn't reset yet?" Nami asked flatly as she held her arm up. "None. Besides, while it might not look all that interesting, I still want to take a look at the local geography."

    My heart slowly sank further and further as the rest of the crew sounded out their agreements, and I ultimately sighed in defeat as we began walking towards Tonjit's house.

    Lassoo trotted up next to me and glanced up with a flat look. "We're heading straight towards a bad situation, aren't we?" My clenched jaw was answer enough. "Great… and the reason why you aren't telling them?"

    I shook my head with a sigh. "Because this isn't a coincidence, we've been targeted, and not!" I snapped my finger up to forestall anything he might say. "Because of the SBS, so this isn't on me." I ran my hand down my face with a groan. "Either way, even if we didn't meet him at Tonjit's house, he'd still come after us, and when he did…"

    "We'd be fighting him on the Merry and possibly put her in danger," Lassoo finished with a growl. "Let me guess, this isn't a fight that we're going to walk out of easy?"

    "If he wasn't such an easygoing bastard, we wouldn't be walking away at all," I growled back. "And as it is, Chopper's probably going to have his hooves full. Be ready with the Plaster-Palm combo."

    The dog-gun inclined his head with a low snarl, and we continued on in relative silence.

    "Cross?"

    Up until the last person I felt comfortable talking to right now gathered my attention. "Yes, Robin?" I asked quietly.

    She silently walked beside me for a moment before subtly glancing at me. "I've asked you this before, but this time I'd like a more precise answer: what do you know about Ohara?"

    I mulled over the question, trying to determine how to answer it effectively without giving too much away. "About its history and everyday life? Not much. But I saw everything that happened on the day the island was destroyed…" I debated with myself for a moment before continuing hesitantly. "…and some of the events leading up to it, too."

    She stopped walking, and I stopped beside her. She stared at me for a few seconds, and then…

    "…How did I not see it before?" she breathed. "I should have realized it in Skypiea, when you told me that the majority of your knowledge is centered around this crew and their lives. You know so much about Ohara because you know my past."

    Her eyes seemed to sharpen. "You knew even back in Whiskey Peak. The war, the Poneglyph, Crocodile's betrayal, Luffy saving my life when I wanted to die… you saw it all coming. You knew that I would become a Straw Hat Pirate."

    "… Yeah," I confirmed with a sigh as I started walking forward again, Robin keeping pace with me. "But the question is, Robin… have you become one? We've been waiting all of this time for you to finally accept us as your crew, as your friends, and…" I smiled happily as I remembered the past few days. "You're… a lot more accepting at this point then I ever thought you'd be." I gave her a hopeful look. "I… I'll admit, I'm more than ready to tell you the secret behind my knowledge…" I put my hand on her shoulder. "…if you're ready to finally trust us." I nodded my head at the rest of the crew ahead. "All of us."

    Her expression was clearly conflicted. She looked around at all of the crew, human and otherwise, and though she flinched as her eyes met Vivi's form, for the most part, she seemed to be convincing herself. She looked back at me, then back at the rest of the crew, and opened her mouth.

    But all that came out was a horrified gasp as she froze up in shock and fell to the ground. I stared at her paralyzed form in horror for a mere second before snapping my gaze ahead and confirming that it was in response to a very real threat. Almost unconsciously, I stepped in front of her and Lassoo moved beside me, growling threateningly at the tall, black-haired, white and blue clad man standing in front of Tonjit's house, who removed his sleeping mask and looked around at us.

    Everyone else was immediately on guard at seeing Robin shaken up as she was, and Vivi and Carue's own panicked expressions did little to help matters. At this moment, all I could do was do my best to protect my friend from one of, if not the single strongest individual we would personally meet in Paradise.

    "My, my. So, you must be the infamous Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite. You've certainly managed to make some most troubling friends, Nico Robin," Admiral Aokiji casually stated.

    Cross-Brain AN: We blame the Slow-Slow curse for the fact that this chapter is a week late. Once again, it wasn't trolling this time, it was genuine difficulties. Here's hoping that we don't have such a problem again anytime soon.

    Hornet AN: I was working, Xomniac was moving, and The Patient One… well, he was busy, too, I just can't summarize in one word.

    Patient AN: I'd rather not talk about it… though in retrospect, call me crazy, but I     think that our slowness might be due to us trying to cram an entire arc into one chapter. Maybe, just maybe…

    Xomniac AN: Well, I for my part am moved in and will hopefully have more free time. For now, we hope you enjoyed the longest chapter of This Bites! to date! Oh, and DuncanIdaho2014, you want me to take pride in my own work? Alright, here's some pride: top this.
     
    Last edited:
  • Threadmarks
    • 38 glorious K. Welp I'm going to have some reading to do soonish.

    Thanks again Cross-Brain!
     
    Hahaha oh they are so screwed. I am seriously waiting for when they get on the ship to grill the shit out of Cross about what he is not telling them. This arc is way too dangerous to not give a few heads up. If the wrong people meet the wrong opponents, they are DEAD.
     
    Glorious.

    Beautiful beyond all compare. A week late or not, I'm glad you glorious men updated this story again. You are quite literally half the reason I check this site.
     
    Alright, so I finally came up with something kinda clever for our next Florida Man headline.

    FLORIDA MAN SUED FOR MOST VULGAR RANT EVER BROADCAST. CLAIMS IMMUNITY, AS "HIS SNAIL CENSORED IT".
     
    Very impressive. I'm curious to find out why he's here, and why exactly the Straw Hat Crew aren't imprisoned and/or dead after meeting him.
     
    Mizu said:
    why exactly the Straw Hat Crew aren't imprisoned and/or dead after meeting him.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    It's Aokiji's version of Justice... "Lazy Justice". It's a half-hearted attempt at Moral Justice, hampered by his responsibilities as an Admiral in service of the World Government. He's constantly torn between what he *wants* to do, and what he's *ordered* to do, to an even greater degree than Smoker.

    Furthermore, Aokiji has a special interest in Nico Robin; he's the one who let her get away safely from Ohara... after he murdered her first (and only) friend, Jaguar D. Saul (who was himself a friend of Aokiji).

    He's willing to give the Straw Hats a chance to "escape" and to prove that they care for Nico Robin (and that she cares for them in turn) after whooping them in a fight, at least in canon. In this story, he may or may not already be convinced that Nico Robin belongs with the Straw Hats.

    Aokiji might be the most "moral" of the current Admirals, but he's still a man who was willing to kill Nico Robin *and* Luffy in a heartbeat. If the Straw Hats hadn't thawed the ice that Aokiji trapped them in, they'd be *dead*. Even then, if the Straw Hats didn't have Chopper the wonder-doc with them, they would still probably have died after Aokiji wandered off again.

    The simple fact is that, unlike Smoker who already knows what the right path is (Marine Integrity), Aokiji is pulled down by doubt, orders and his own conscience nagging at him. This makes him unstable and unreliable as an ally, since you don't really know which side of the coin Aokiji is gonna land on. He's ruthless when he needs to be, he's nigh-unstoppable when he gets ruthless, and you never know when he decides that he needs to be ruthless. In a word, he's unreliable.
     
    Huh, I just noticed. Chopper hasn't been doing a lot of his tsundere routine in the story. It may have happened here and there but its not brought in or used quite as often as nami's violence. Sure Nami is more violent by a little bit then chopper has his shyness go off it is something that could be used more often in the story.

    As for the story. You absolutely hit the afro power angle perfectly! And I love how your treating the foxy pirates in this story! And of course so many other htings but it is late and I am tird... good night.
     
    Reader mode
    You must login or register to reply here.
    Remove ads
    Back
    Top