We've had enough serious omakes. Time for some crack.
Adamantine Chef
The Keeper of Secrets, one of the foul Greater Daemons of Slaanesh, stood before him, having somehow passed his 'elite' bodyguards entirely unscathed and unnoticed in spite of it's massive size and there literally being a thousand of them. Frederick made a note to himself to dock their pay. Again. Like, seriously, you'd think that a twenty foot tall daemon with an extra pair of arms and five pairs of exposed breasts would be obvious enough that it would be noticed by at least one of them, but noooo...
"What do you want, monster?"
"Frederick Rotbart! I have heard much of your prowess and have come for you!" the Warp abomination said.
"Very well then, monster." Frederick said, drawing his blade. "Come at me if you dare!"
"I dare indeed, Frederick Rotbart. I challenge you..." the daemon posed dramatically.
"...to a cooking competition!"
"...what?" Did he just hear that correctly? The leader of the daemonic invasion of his planet had come to have a cookoff? What the fuck!?
"Yes, I, Barbarolath, the Culinarian of Woe, the Patisserie of Pain, the Roundsman of Regicide, the Grand Gourmand of the Grotesque have acknowledged you as a worthy opponent. I, the greatest chef in all the Warp, he/she/it who prepares the lavish feasts within the fourth circle of my master's grand palace, know of your skills and shall show you what a true master of the kitchen can do. I will have your title of Adamantine Chef!"
Oh, that made sense then. "You know, if that's all you wanted you could have just asked... and, well, not... you know... invaded."
"...really?" the daemon asked in seemingly honest surprise.
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"The rules of this competition are as follows." Saint Lin intoned. "Both opponents shall cook a series of dishes using a theme ingredient chosen from the wildlife of Avernus, as chosen by Archmagos Biologis Saren. You will have one hour to prepare, and you will be judged on taste, presentation, and originality. Twenty points may be awarded by each judge, ten in the category of taste and five each in the others."
"This is madness! You humans are seriously entertaining this? You've gone insane!" First Councillor Aryz yelled out in frustration.
Frederick shook his head. Of course the poor xeno didn't understand the importance of this matter. "Aryz, I've been challenged for my title. I'm honor bound to accept any challenge, no matter from who."
"Quite right." Saint Lin said. "The title of Adamantine Chef has been passed down for millennia, all the way back to the days on Terra, surviving even the collapse of civilization and the rise of the Emperor. The Emperor himself told me that once he challenged the holder to a match and lost, if barely, and of course only because he had generously given the man a handicap by not having cooked for himself in a over three hundred years. Regardless, even he respects the title, and the traditions that come with it.
"Now, as I was saying, the judging will be done by a panel of three judges. I shall be the head judge, as my Aura of Truth ensures that the competition shall be judged fairly. Assisting me will be Lord Inquisitor Klovis-Ultan..."
"An honor to be here, Saint Lin." the Lord Inquisitor said cheerfully.
"...and First Councillor Aryz of the Quartok."
"Lunacy! This is pure lunacy!" exclaimed the incensed xeno. Turning to Klovis-Ultan, he asked "Why are you putting up with this? Isn't it your fucking job to murder the Horrors of the Warp at the earliest opportunity?"
Klovis-Ultan answered his fellow judge calmly. "You weren't here for Chef Rotbart's wedding feast. If you where, you'd understand."
"I... I... fine. Whatever. I'm killing that thing when this is over, though." the Quartok said as he slumped down in defeat.
"Right, anyways..." Saint Lin continued. "As per the ancient traditions I must state that due to the current challenger being a daemon, all food prepared must be non-poisonous and free of all Chaotic corruption. I'll be making sure of the latter part myself. You're only the fourth daemon to ever challenge a human for this title, Barbarolath, so don't think we don't know what kind of trickery you'll try."
"Bah! Like I need to cheat to win this. My cooking is utter perfection, my skills beyond compare."
"Good to see you understand. You will each have identical equipment and access to the Adamantine Pantry to ensure that you will be working on equal footing - only your skills and creativity will see you through to victory. Now then, Archmagos Biologis Saren, what is today's theme ingredient?"
The Archmagos came out pushing a large cart with a cloth covering what was on it. Once in the center of the stage, he grabbed the edge of the cloth. "The ingredient is..." he yanked it off. "SARGASSO KELP!"
"Very interesting choice. Now, chefs... BEGIN!"
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The kitchen was a flurry of activity as the two competitors worked.
"Interesting." Klovis-Ultan said. "It looks like Chef Rotbart has added some kind of white liquid to the pot. Any idea what it is, Seamus?"
"No, perhaps we should ask him. Chef Rotbart, what is it you're doing?" the Last Living Saint inquired.
"A magician never reveals his secrets, Seamus. I'll tell you after you've tasted it." the Governor of Avernus said with a sly grin.
"Well, I certainly look forward to it. Moving on to the competition, it looks like the daemon is eviscerating some Dragon Turtles. It looks like he's going to use the guts as the base of a glaze for his Sargasso Kelp wrapped grox roast. Any thoughts on that, Aryz?"
The Quartok just gave Seamus Lin an incredulous look before going back to sharpening his arm blades.
=====
"Are you sure this isn't tainted, human?" Aryz asked.
"Absolutely. The abominable thing used biomancy to keep the Dragon Turtles alive after gutting them so he could use them as a bowl, but they aren't tainted. Quite an original presentation if I do say so myself." Saint Lin said, taking another spoonful of the rich soup within.
Aryz hesitated, but finally managed to bring a spoonful of his own to his mouth. "...what the hell? This is actually delicious."
"Of course it is! I, Barbarolath, the Culinarian of Woe, would never present a subpar dish." the Keeper of Secrets boasted.
"My great lord would flay me eternally if I did."
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"This... this... Chef Rotbart... you have outdone yourself! I am at a loss for words as to how to describe this, and we're only to the soup course!" Klovis-Ultain stated.
"Indeed!" Saint Lin said. "Now, will you tell us the secret? What is giving this creamy flavor? I've never tasted it before. You must tell!"
Frederick smiled. "Alright. It's Phase-Tiger milk. That's the secret."
"How innovative! Aryz, what are you thoughts."
The First Councillor was staring ahead blankly, openly weeping in sheer joy. "I have reached transcendence. This dish... it is as if the Rule of Gold resides within it. All hatred of humanity has been scoured from my soul. I can truly move forward now!"
=====
Saint Lin rose, giving the results. "The winner is the Adamantine Chef!"
"Impossible!" Barbarolath screamed as he looked at the scores on the board.
"How can this be?"
Chef Rotbart had received a perfect score from all judges in all categories. However, the Roundsman of Regicide had received a perfect score for his presentation from all three judges, as well as from two in originality, but all had only given him nine points in taste.
Frederick Rotbart, the Adamantine Chef, went over to his opponents dishes and gave them a taste. "Your soup needed a dash of salt, chef. Also, you were too conservative with your ingredients in the dessert round. He who dares, wins."
"What!? How dare you? I shall rend your flesh from your bones!"
"Oh, well if you doubt my victory then why not taste my dishes for yourself? I prepared enough extra to give you a taste." said the Governor, gesturing to the extra dishes near his station.
"We shall see then!" the Grand Gourmand of the Grotesque scoffed, moving over to taste the dishes. One by one he attempted to sample them, but could not stop from devouring every last morsel. By the end of the five courses, he/she/it was shaking visibly, and fell to his/her/its knees.
"I... I have lost..."
Then the Greater Daemon exploded from the sheer soul-shattering deliciousness it had experienced, unable to live on knowing it would never achieve the perfection required of an Adamantine Chef.
.
