Skits & Super(?)heroes
By MrKermie
You are Rei Maruki. And right now, you are not having a fun time. Having your head face first on a lunch table, hands on your head isn't exactly a good look.
Mona sits down next to you, sounding concerned. "Hey! What's up?"
You turn to look at her, and groan out weekly. "Do you remember that project in Drama? The one where we got in pairs?"
Mona raises an eyebrow. "The one where you write out the script for a skit, and I'm in charge of filming and uploading it to the internet? What about it?"
You hold up your phone with a document pulled up. "Read."
When Metahuman Insurance Fails
(SCENE STARTS)
(I WALK IN, COMPLAINING ABOUT MY GRANDMA'S ASHES HAVING BEEN KNOCKED OVER)
MONA WALKS IN.
(…that's it. That's the script. The rest is blank.)
Mona's eyes widen. "Please tell me you've got the rest of the script on a previous version."
You slam your face into the lunch table again, alerting some other kids. "
Nope. And I checked and double checked my schedule— I've got too many extracurriculars to make a good script within a week. We're
cooked."
Mona stays silent for a second, before continuing. "Well, I was gonna tell you about my troubles today, but that's not really important compared to what you're going through."
"No, no. You should say your piece. Maybe it'll distract me."
"It's not
that important, but ok. I was trying to go to a store to get some more merch of Valiant Silver, but then the weirdest thing happened. Someone had already bought out all the other figurines, so all I could see was this ugly ripoff figure at the back of the stands, all dipped in bright yellow…"
Something clicks in your brain. You slam your hands down, shooting up from the table. "Mona, you genius!
That's it."
"Uhh… what's it?"
"Just meet me after school, in the theater. I've got a great idea that should be pretty fast."
Off Brand Metahumans
100k views
Rei enters into what seems to be a generic room, before looking forward, past the camera. "Hey! Are you the employee on duty here?"
The camera turns around, to reveal Mona. She's in an apron worn over her clothes, and has some shades on. "Yes, I am. What do you want?"
Rei smiles, adjusting her jacket and cap. "My friend's a big fan of metahumans and their heroics, so I wanted to get her some merch for her stash. Do you have any reccomendations?"
"Oh yeah! Some new merch came in recently! I think you'll like it."
Rei bends down just out of frame to pick up a figure. "Oh great! She just loves…"
The camera cuts to a picture of a poorly painted Valiant Silver figurine, which was clearly dipped in all yellow. It's labeled as:
Brave Gold
"…who the fuck is Brave Gold?"
"She invented Magitech! It allowed her to run really fast and make small walls."
"…like, shield barriers?"
"No, I mean walls of light about two feet tall."
Rei takes a step back, pinching the bridge of her nose, before walking back up and continuing. "Ok, that didn't work. Do you have Adamant?"
"We've got Vibran."
Rei's eyes widen, and she leans in a bit. "…are you serious. Is he— well, Lady Leizi must enjoy his company a lot."
"Don't you mean Miss Mei?"
Rei groans and facefaults, before getting up and launching into a quick list of heroes.
"Ok, do you have Moon River?"
"We've got Sun Lake."
"Do you have Red Huntress?"
"We have Orange Stalker!"
"Do you have Earthern Owl?"
"We have Sky Worm."
"Do you have Hydrocity?"
"We've got Watercomplex."
Rei bites her lip, and seems to weigh her options. "…alright, what does Watercomplex do?"
"He's always very hydrated!"
Rei facefaults, before getting back up. "How the— how'd you find someone lamer than Hydrocity!?" She takes a deep breath.
"Ok, there must be something stupid here. Maybe you guys are being paid by Dominion, or Hero for Hire. Do you guys
at least have merch of Scarlet Maturity?"
"Well, we don't have Scarlet Maturity, we have…" Mona breaks character for a second, and giggles.
"Old Red Hard."
Rei's jaw drops. She picks it up with her hand, and her mouth opens and closes a few times. Eventually, she figures out how she wants to react.
"OLD RED HARD?!?" Rei screams out, hands on her head. "LEVIATHAN'S BLOOD, WHO THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!"
Mona stays quiet, a blank expression on her face, before quickly responding. "…I hear he works for STRENGTHS."
Rei throws her cap to the ground, before bending down to pick up something. It's a sandal.
"…I will send you to the QZ."
She nonchalantly throws the sandal right past Mona's head, before walking out of the store. As Rei's leaving, Mona fruitlessly reaches out a hand to stop her.
"Wait! …I, um, hear the Employee's Hand has better shops I think?"
(In case you're wondering, both Rei and Mona got an A on that assignment.)
Author's Note:
Inspired by Steven He.
Specifically, this video.