Okay so this ended up being far longer than I thought that it would be, so I wrote the first half now and will maybe write the second at some point in the future if anyone likes this.
Why do I say "if"? Because it's an incredibly dumb idea and I've written it in a very stupid way (not to mention my complete and utter lack of editing or forethought), so you've been warned.
Word count: 2,195
Omake: The Adorable Beret, Part 1
It was in a burning alleyn near King's Crossing, where Harry, Hermione, Neville, Ron and Daphne agreed to meet, that Fenrir Greyback had struck. It was a sudden, random attack - One moment they were just hanging out, and in the next all of them were blasted away into an alley that, for some reason, was burning.
Before them stood the titanic Fenrir Grayback, a Werewolf, THE Werewolf, a vile creature from the very abyss of magic, a master of shamanistic and lost techniques of power, he who has been embraced by the wolfblood and turned into something far more than a mere man. An imposing figure of great power, a phantasmal beast whose mystery could not be measured by standards of all conventional magic.
A figuratively sharp figure, wearing a sharp suit with suitably matching shoes - there was no mistaking him.
"Who are you? Remus Lupin?" The idiot Weasley idiotically mistook him for he was an idiot, training his wand upon their unknown assailant.
"Terribly sorry for this inconvenience," The yet unnamed Fenrir Grayback called out, voice soft and controlled "I am Fenrir Grayback and I apologize for the manhandling but I needed to speak with you privately"
"Then why not approach us like a normal person?" Hermione raised an eyebrow, clearly looking unimpressed "And what's with the burning building?"
"I find myself intimidated by large crowds," Greyback shrugged. "As for the burning building, I have no idea, I just got here."
"And what is your interest in us, anyway?" Neville questioned
"Well... It is not so much that I want anything from you specifically, but rather that I would not wish to separate you from your friend without providing you with an explanation regarding his whereabouts, and approaching you in such a busy street really rustles my jimmies" He stopped briefly to consider, before adding quietly
"There's also the matter of me struggling with manipulating my awesome power in such a small and limited capacity and casting this spell on a single person would likely result in them splattering all over the place"
"What was that?" Hermione asked
"Seems reasonable to me." Harry nodded, making Greyback smile shyly at him "What are you here for, Mr. Greyback?"
"Well you see my boy, I am here for that delightful hat you have on your head." The Werewolf answered, causing everyone to look at him in confusion "I have recently assumed the position of pack leader within my pack after the previous leader, Amarok Skoll the Manslayer, was forced to vacate it upon being hit by a truck while helping an old lady cross the road."
"What do you mean by 'the Manslayer'?" Asked Ron
"Oh, how terrible!" Cried Daphne, covering her mouth with obvious distress.
"You can not be serious" deadpanned Neville.
"It was quite a terrible affair, really, and quite the position that was thrust upon me - restructuring my relations with my packmates has been an arduous process, and I have recently been informed that some of them see me as too intimidating to properly communicate with me in any capacity that is not professional."
A sigh escaped his lips "Euphemia Skullreaper the Molester of Flesh, in particular, had to deal with an unfortunate toothache for the longest time due to her hesitance to approach me. I have been blaming my stylish, yet intimidating look ever since"
"Are you making these names and titles up?" Asked Hermione.
"But then I saw you my boy," He said, smiling at Harry "In the news, your adorable Baret and endearing smile made you ever so charming, so much so that an entire article was written about the conclusion of your first year of education."
"That's because he's Harry Potter, not because of his beret," Neville supplied.
"Dreadfully sorry, but I have no idea who this might be." Greyback apologized sincerely.
"Never mind that," Harry cried, his pride hurt from not being recognized by this person he never met "This beret is a very special gift and I am not handing it over to you. Besides, why don't you just buy your own?"
Fenrir appeared uncomfortable with the question "Because this beret of yours is a limited-edition item," he explained. "The company that made them, Whoopass Cans, had ten such berets commissioned for winners of a special lottery that they had, with each can that was submitted to them by post equating to a single ballot"
"A terrible drink, " Daphne shuddered, "don't let it touch your skin"
"Quite" Greyback nodded "I had to have spent about 25% of all my income during the summer just on these cans alone, never mind the heinous taste of their cheap chemicals upon my sensitive tongue and down my throat, only to lose the last possible beret to someone else! The hats were given away anonymously so I had no way to track any of them down, except for yours."
"Why not just go to the store and buy a different beret then?" Ron asked
"There are no other berets with any empirical data to support their innate value in making one appear harmless and endearing"
"There is no way to quantify such things for anything resembling 'empirical data' to be created, never mind the fact that this is anecdotal evidence." Hermione scoffed "Why even drink it in the first place if it's so disgusting? You could've just poured the juice and sent the cans - if you're trying to earn pity points here then it won't work"
Greyback squinted at her, confused "The slogan specifies that we need to 'Drink Juice, Win Prices'. Without drinking the soda, the idea of winning prices was already forfeit."
Harry smiled slightly, imagining Pomona Sprout laboriously chugging cheaply made juice for days, maybe even weeks on end for the sole purpose of presenting him with a holiday gift. He found the gesture to be deeply touching - Professor Sprout was the very epitome of Hufflepuff values!
"This is so dumb" Neville muttered
"Your arguments are fair!" Harry addressed Fenrir Greyback "However, the value of this gift is precisely in the sacrifice it necessitated! Giving it away would be a betrayal of trust of the highest level!"
"I anticipated as much," Greyback replied honestly "which is why I have come up with the idea of a trade: In return for your adorable beret, I will provide you with my badass suit; I will even resize it to fit you."
Harry looked far from impressed "Does the image of yourself in your suit invoke warmth in the hearts of all of those who see it?"
Greyback's expression noticeably faltered "Well no, but-..."
"Then I am not interested!" Harry cut him off, causing Greyback to pout at him, an expression that did not at all fit on the Werewolf's face.
By this point, any wariness that Daphne, Ron, Neville, and Hermione felt of the Werewolf was already long gone. If this idiotic argument over a stupid beret was the Werewolf's way to get them to lower their guards or bide his time for more people to arrive... They were ashamed to say that it was working.
"Very well then." Greyback attempted to negotiate again, "In return for your beret, I will cease being evil for... well, I can do three months. Additionally, I will be your best mate"
"Evil?" Daphne tilted her head in confusion.
"I don't care how evil you are! I will have this beret drilled to my very skull ("Ah, so you are missing a few screws, Harry? Is that what you are saying?" Hermione muttered quietly) before I ever consider giving it away!" Harry roared, honest anger entering his voice before cruel smugness quickly accompanied it, "besides, Neville's already my best mate."
Neville looked a tad uncomfortable "Um, Actually... Ron's my best mate. You and I are more like, regular mates."
Harry gasped "B-but... What about us being little cute puffy puff boys together?"
"I mean, I'm a teenager, I don't want to be seen as either little or cute." Neville shrugged "Besides, you are kind of boring. All you ever do is study, and you're not even all that good at it."
"Well, I'm sorry that the only family I have ever known died recently and that I am not very fun to be around right now!"
"Here we go again," Hermione sighed "Every time anyone criticizes you, you just bring up your dead extended family and expect it all to be swept under the rug."
"I don't do that!"
"You kind of do, Harry," said Daphne quietly "Killing a dark lord is all very cool Harry, but do try to keep your emotional scars to yourself like the rest of us."
"Wait, what is this about you killing a dark lord?" Greyback tilted his head "Perhaps I have underestimated the power of the beret if it is capable of suppressing the true nature of a dark slayer such as you"
"You really shouldn't be inflating his ego" Neville sighed, ignoring the stupid grin that made it to Harry's face, adding to his boyish looks in a way that Greyback quickly took note of as being terribly endearing.
"It appears that our negotiations have reached an unfortunate standstill," He started, only to be cut off by Harry telling him that he is not getting his beret, "an unfortunate standstill" He reiterated "I would not sink so low as to steal what is yours, but I will apply a measured amount of force upon your friends in the form of cliche schoolyard bullying until you relent your headwear to me."
"Why us? It's him you want!" Cried Ron while pointing at Harry.
"He is far too cute to hurt, and the emotional damage of making him cry is something that I may never recover from" Greyback shrugged "Fret not however, this shall be but merely a mild inconvenience, even for ones as young as yourselves"
"Ha!" cried the last Potter, looking massively confident in a way that contrasted the others' rapidly whitening faces "Hermione can do fourth-year magic, Neville is like the champion of Hogwarts, Daphne has Death Eater training, and Ron has all of this super cool magic his older, graduate brothers taught him! They can take you!"
"H-Harry?!" cried Hermione in disbelief, which grew to genuine worry as Greyback appeared to be deep in thought.
"Mm indeed. Limiting my output to a moderately manageable level for first-year students would result in my quick defeat when faced with such opponents." The Werewolf agreed easily "Very well, I shall unleash upon you a suitable challenge."
Neville was the first to reach for his wand, even as he uselessly tried to defuse the situation "Wait! Please wai-...!!"
***
Ron and Hermione Lay on the ground, defeated.
The red-haired boy had his underwear pulled over his head in a brutal wedgie while the brunette had large chunks of bubblegum stuck to her hair. Not so far from them was Daphne, leaning on a trash can with an empty look in her eyes and a strange rune engraved upon her right forearm, making her slap herself repeatedly with each such consecutive slap accompanied by a "why do you hit yourself" message voiced by said rune.
Fenrir Greyback himself was currently sitting upon Neville's chest, careful to hold himself from crushing the boy with his weight, while shoving a single, sausage-like finger into his mouth and using his other hand to tilt Neville's head aside and expose his ear, with the boy fruitlessly fighting against his grip, wand long forgotten.
Greyback pulled his finger from his mouth, full of spit "Come now, Harry, surely this level of bullying disturbs your young eyes enough for you to surrender that delightful little beret to me, right?"
"For the love of God Harry, give him your beret!" cried out Neville in horror.
Harry Potter, standing in front of the scene, completely unharmed, adopted a mock contemplative expression "Well gee Neville, if it were to save my best mate then I
guess I could've parted with my adorable beret, but for a regular mate... Mm... I'm not so sure"
"I am about to give your friend here quite the wet willie!" Warned Greyback "Do not be so inconsiderate as to make me do this." he briefly considered "Oh, and there are also the boy's feelings to consider. You really are being quite a poor friend right about now."
"It will be a cold day in hell before I give away this item that my Professor suffered so many stomach aches for." Harry declared with all the heroism of a person who is not put in a difficult situation, "Do your worst, Neville isn't afraid of you!"
"I kinda, sorta really am!" cried out Neville
"Well then, that's really quite unfortunate." Greyback sighed "Have it your way then"
Just as he was about to penetrate Neville's small cavity with his dripping, drooling appendage, a blast of immense magic struck his stomach and sent him away from the boy.
With a cry of 'Ah, my tummy!" Greyback landed on his rear a few feet away from Neville.
The boy looked up at his savior with gratitude, taking in the visage of his smiling father.
"Hey"