Chapter 129 - The Loved And The Lost
Homura stands at the bottom step, paralyzed. The mechanical rhythm of her distorted body halts without ceremony, then slowly grind back to its original pace. Her expression is inscrutable. Yet even without a sign of emotion on Homura's face, you can understand the exact emotion she is feeling in this moment.
Fear.
Homura is not an easily frightened person. Not just in the sense of putting on a brave face, either. You've seen inside her head, and if you wanted you could pinpoint the exact moment her normal human fear response was burned out. Years upon years of fighting horrors beyond human strength change a person. Witches were terrifying originally. But Homura endured them, stood as bravely as she could, for Madoka's sake. And slowly, they went from frightening monsters to enemies. And then from enemies to obstacles. People don't fear obstacles, they simple overcome them or they do not. Homura is used to both. While many people fear failure, even that fear has long since worn away into grim resignation. Such is the way of things when one repeats their life over and over again. Everything but the essentials are lost to time.
But there is one thing that never fails to frighten her.
Madoka doesn't have this context. She hasn't seen Homura's memories, doesn't know her story. She can't feel the desperate, frail pounding of emotion deep within Homura's soul like you can. Her hearing isn't even sharp enough to track the subtle, quiet changes in the mechanisms that compose her body. But she can see Homura recoil at her words, and it doesn't take something superhuman to understand another person.
"Homura…" her voice trails off. You can see the hesitation, the worry on her face as she speaks. The fear of messing up, of saying the wrong thing, of making it worse. But she speaks regardless. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. But whatever it is, whatever you're carrying with you… we're here for you. Don't forget that."
"It might be for the best to say something, kid." You chime in from the steps above, slowly lowering yourself into a sitting position at the top of the stairs. "You're gonna have to say something one day. Now's as good a time as any. Besides, it'll do Madoka some good to be in the know. It might help her make the right choices when the time comes, even." you suggest.
Homura remains still. She hasn't opened up to Madoka about her life, about everything she's gone through, in years. You know she did at least once, perhaps more, in her earlier loops. But those memories are tainted, blurred together and colored by the agonizing failure and loss that followed. Isolation was safer, she had decided. More consistent in results. Ideally even more controllable. That is her sole remaining line of familiarity in this new place and time. A reminder, perhaps, not to grow too hopeful for how things are. Not to grow too invested in anyone or anything beyond her sole priority.
Homura is not an easily frightened person, but she is afraid of things changing. Of what little structure and control and progress she has made over all these years being washed away like lines in the sand. And yet, more than that she fears things staying the same. It's an awful paradox, a paralyzing contradiction that leaves the timeless girl frozen and unable to answer.
Or it would, were it not for a simple fact.
Homura has always been faced with things she fears. But for Madoka, smiling patiently and holding back her worry for the girl she calls a friend, fear is a small emotion indeed.
"I will explain everything. But not now. It would be better to wait until everyone is present." Homura says mechanically.
"Everyone? You sure about that?" you confirm. It certainly wasn't the answer you were expecting. Still, you can't help the small smile that crawls onto your face. Not what you had expected, but better than you had hoped.
"It's the most logical course of action. The others will also need information for what's coming." Homura says as though it's really that simple. Logic is rarely the sole motivating factor in any decision, let alone for something like this. While Homura's awareness of her own emotions is flawed, Madoka's perception of others is notably sharper.
"I'm happy to hear that, Homura." she praises. The girl in question looks about as perplexed as one can when they are incapable of emoting with their face. Still smiling, you rise from your seated position at the top of the stairs.
"Alright," you announce, clapping your hands together. "If that's all decided, we'd better be on our way. We're not really on a time limit here, but Binah's gonna make fun of me if I take too long and I really don't want to give her any more ammo than she already has."
The three of you resume your ascent, each step a bit lighter than those before them.
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"This is your stop. Just go straight along the path and you won't get lost. Even if you do, though, you'll probably end up where you're supposed to be anyways. Binah's weird like that." you inform Madoka, gesturing to the forest of dark brown bookshelves that compose the Floor of Philosophy.
"Is this place safe?" Homura asks, though it's a bit late for questions like that.
"At least it's… cozy-looking?" Madoka says, ever the optimist. It really isn't, but you don't say that. It'd be unhelpful.
"The Library's pretty much the safest place in existence for anybody in Angela's good books." you say casually before chuckling internally at the accidental pun. "This floor specifically? I trust my agents not to cause problems. Binah's a bit more tricky to deal with, but as long as you're honest with her and aren't afraid to call her on it when she starts spouting nonsense you'll be good."
"You said this person was your friend?" Madoka says questioningly. It's true, your relationship with Binah is a tad complicated.
"You know how sometimes Sayaka starts doing something over the top and you or Hitomi have to stop her? It's kinda like that." you explain. Comparing Binah's particular brand of eccentricity to teenagers doing their teenager things is rather uncharitable towards teenagers, but it gets the basic idea across. Binah tends to go overboard and somebody (you, most of the time) has to shut her down before it leads to somebody getting hurt. Only when a normal person goes to far in such a way, they tend to hurt themself instead of the local neighborhood.
"So Binah's like Sayaka?" Madoka asks. You picture that imagine in your mind for a moment, then dismiss it with a stifled cackle.
"Not really. She's pretty much the total opposite, actually, aside from a few things." you say with a shrug. You can say what you will, but the best way to learn about a person is to talk to them, not hear somebody else talk about them. "It's much easier to understand once you've spoken with her."
"I… guess I'll figure it out, won't I?" Madoka concludes, ever the optimist. "I should hurry up and go, shouldn't I? I'll see you both soon." Without buildup or ceremony, Madoka steps forward and wraps her arms around Homura. The hug is brief, too short for Homura to return. She steps away, and turns to begin her trek into the forest of shelves without another word.
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You and Homura ascend the Library's stairway alone. She follows you in a sort of daze, barely paying attention as you round corner after corner.
"What's on your mind?" you ask back at her as you continue upwards. "You seem quiet. Well, quieter than normal."
Homura's stride remains consistent as she ruminates. You wait patiently in the lull, long enough that it seems for a moment like Homura isn't going to answer. Right as you're about to move on and accept that she would rather not talk about it, she speaks.
"Madoka won't remain safe. She's too invested for that now."
"Of course she is," you respond softly. "that's just the kind of person Madoka is. If she wasn't the kind of person to want to help whenever she sees somebody who needs it, she'd hardly be so much of a pain to look out for." Your voice rises near the end, letting out a small chuckle as you commiserate with the other time-traveler. "Do you wish she were different?"
You're getting closer to the next level of the Library, the Floor of Religion. The simple wooden walls as steps gradually fade in color as you ascend, washing out into a clear, clean white. In the distance, up above, you can hear the heavy, reverberating sound of a clock ticking.
Another long pause precedes Homura's answer. "It's pointless to think about. I can't convince her otherwise, so all I can do is keep her safe as is possible." Left unsaid is the real answer, that Homura would take Madoka away from all this if she thought she could. That if Homura could make Madoka less selfless, less likely to throw herself out there for anyone in need, then she would.
"Maybe that would be for the best." you begin gently. "But these things take time. If Madoka's going to learn to value herself more, somebody needs to teach her that. Now, she's actually in a pretty good position for that, with all her friends here to remind her. Personally, I'm more worried about you."
"My condition is not important." Homura says flatly, devoid of emotion but resignation. "If I must choose between my own well-being or anything else and Madoka's life, then-."
"But that's not the choice you have to make. And it's not a choice Madoka would be happy with, either." you interrupt.
"What other choice could there be? It isn't possible to save her and anything else." Homura's voice is empty of any defiance or challenge that one would expect from such a declaration. "I have seen it over and over. As long as I hold on to anything else, her safety will stay out of reach."
"When one becomes entrenched in a spiraling path, it can certainly become difficult so see directly forward." A worn, distinguished voice calls out from up ahead. "But in such times, one need only to take a hand offered to them and be lifted up out from the tunnel they have worn for themself."
You've arrived at the Floor of Religion.
Hokma, the Floor's Patron Librarian, stands in the middle of the hall where you've entered. His hair has long since gone white with age, matching the plain color of the layered suit he wears over a simple grey shirt. A monocle sits over his right eye, adding to the air of sophistication he gives off. To either side of him, shelves of books extend out in an orderly rectangular grid off as far as the eye can see. They rise up and up, far beyond any point that could be reasonably usable, up into a misty white void that fills the ceiling like a false sky. The stairway behind you has shifted into a rail-thin metal spiral staircase that climbs up and out of sight. It doesn't look particularly safe, though you're sure if you were to ask Hokma about it he'd turn it into some metaphor about faith or fate or something of the like.
"Hokma," you greet with a faint grin. "It's been a long time. I see you've somehow managed to grow even older."
"Manager," Hokma returns, a touch of amusement coloring the mature and refined tone of his voice. "It has indeed been some time since our last conversation. While I have matured since then, it seems to me as though you have regained some youth in your time away."
"Well, getting a new body will do that to you. It's pretty refreshing actually, especially since this one doesn't get cramps or any other irritations like that." you mention. "Though that's not why I'm here to talk with you. Hokma, this is Homura Akemi."
Hokma stares at Homura, scanning every inch of the young Distortion from her artificial flesh to her mechanical motions to the practically prehensile ribbon tied around her waist in a bow so large it resembles a pair of wings. Homura stares back at him, waiting. Satisfied with his examination, Hokma nods and returns his gaze to you.
"And why have you brought this young child to me? I have very little left to offer anyone as things are. What knowledge and secrets I do posses are already known to you." Hokma asks. It's not really an admonishment. Even as he says this, there is a glimmer of expectation in his eyes.
"X has asked that I remain here while Madoka speaks with Binah. She believes it will benefit me to speak with you." Homura answers, eyes still locked on Hokma's form.
"She's a lot like you were pre-Meltdown. Almost identical, actually." you chime in, already stepping back to give the two clock enthusiasts some room. "Same sense of decor, too. It's funny how that happens, isn't it?"
Recognition flashes in Hokma's eyes, and a faint smile makes its way onto his face. "Ah, so that is how it is. If the follies of those who have since passed can serve as warning markers for those who still walk the world of life, then I am content to once more serve as its guide."
Homura stares confused at Hokma's roundabout speech. You continue receding, one foot already on the stairs down.
"You two can do as you'd like. I've gotta go make sure Binah's not doing anything out of line. Better safe than sorry, you know?" you say as you wave goodbye to the pair while descending the steps. Your reunion with Hokma may have been brief, but you'll be back soon. There's no need to rush, not when you've work to do.
As you lower yourself back down into the Library's depths, you overhear the first words Hokma speaks to Homura.
"If we are to understand each other, then there is one thing I must know. How long have you been following behind this person?"
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In the floor below, Madoka Kaname wanders through a dark forest. The trees are shelves that grow from the wooded ground, reaching upwards to the false sky above. She knows it has to be fake, since there's another level directly above this one. Even so, the scattered haze of stars look real enough. As ominous as this place feels, it's beautiful to look at. It reminds Madoka of camping with her family, of the feeling of being far from civilization and surrounded by nature.
She stumbles into Binah's office practically by accident, the clearing appearing out of nowhere after turning a corner. The Floor of Philosophy's Patron Librarian sits calmly before a small circular table that looks like it's growing right out of the ground. Three steaming cups of tea sit on the table.
"Welcome, child." Binah says suddenly, not bothering to open her eyes. Madoka jumps slightly from her spot just outside the clearing and hurried forward. "I see you have come here alone. Where is the one who brought you here?"
"X is taking Homura up to the next Floor. She says she'll be back soon." Madoka says shakily. There's something about the woman sitting in front of her that feels… off, somehow. There's a strange sort of gravity around her, a subtle tug that a person might feel standing on a precarious cliff. One wrong move, a sudden breeze, and you might fall off and tumble into the abyss.
"Ah, that is a relief indeed." Binah says, bringing her teacup up to her lips and taking a long, slow sip before gently lowering it back to the table. "After I had gone through the effort to prepare a perfect cup of black tea, it would be a horrible shame to allow it to go to waste because its intended drinker was absent. Come, sit. We have much to discuss."
Madoka carefully pulls back a chair and takes a seat at the table, never taking her eyes off of the woman seated across from her. Hesitantly, she picks up her own teacup and takes a small drink. Everything else aside, the tea is delicious. Just the right temperature, a perfect mix of bitterness and flavor, and an aftertaste vaguely reminiscent of ginger. Madoka isn't an expert on tea, most of what she's had was just bought from a store, but this was almost definitely personally crafted.
"This tea is delicious." Madoka compliments. "Did you make it yourself?"
Binah smiles. As much as Madoka feels guilty for thinking it, it's not a nice smile. The expression is too wide, too sharp to feel comfortable. "Many thanks for your compliments. Black tea is a favored drink of mine, so I have endeavored to become proficient in its brewing. Tell me, have you partaken in black tea before in your life?"
Madoka pauses for a moment to think. Mom didn't really drink much tea, she was always more partial to coffee or something alcoholic, but Dad had a pretty large collection of teas. "I think I have. It was called red tea though, are those the same thing?"
"One could say so. The difference is entirely one of perspective, though it could be said that a difference of perception is a more essential one than a difference of fact. The truths of this world are absolute and unchanging, but one's individual beliefs are varied and fleeting. What a person knows tells you far less about them than what they believe, wouldn't you agree?" Binah explains, a hint of amusement in the back of her voice. Madoka stares at her, confused.
"Uhm… weren't we talking about tea? I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're talking about."
Binah laughs. It reminds Madoka a bit of the way Mom would laugh when Tatsuya did something silly or childish, but with a darker undertone. "My apologies. Yes, we are speaking of tea, but also of perception. Black tea and red tea are two appellations both given to the same object, each derived from a different facet of the subject. The leaves from which the drink is extracted carry the shade of black, and yet the drink itself holds a scarlet hue. Which title one chooses in turn reflects which attribute is more valued; the process or the results?"
"So… it's about comparing the end result to the things that go into it?" Madoka says tentatively.
"Precisely." Binah agrees. "So which do you prefer? The desired outcome, or the steps taken to reach it?"
"Well…" Madoka stares down into her teacup, watching faint curls of steam rise from the dull red liquid's surface. "I think it depends? I know sometimes you have to do bad things to get something good done, like X working with that other Distortion I heard about… but that's just because it's necessary. Sometimes you do have to make compromises, but you have to be careful when doing it. Otherwise, whatever it is you were hoping for won't be worth what you gave up to get to it."
Binah nods sagely, and her smile grows slightly wider. Madoka shivers despite herself. Something about that expression feels dangerous. "An astute opinion. Yes, those who are willing to make careless sacrifices to pave a road forwards often find themselves led to nowhere at all. But neither can one allow certain goals to remain out of reach due to their great cost. It is only through careful and measured risks and compromises that one can pave the road forward without becoming lost. Much like you have carefully chosen not to become a Magical Girl despite the great power offered to you and remained a non-combatant as a consequence."
Madoka recoils as if struck. "That's… everyone thinks it's a bad idea. I don't think any of them regret Contracting, but it's not something you can just back out of. Once you become a Magical Girl, it'll be a part of your life forever." She looks down again, thinking back to the stories she's heard from Homura, Kyoko, or even Mami. "It's not an easy life. You have to struggle constantly, and it takes up so much time and energy that you can't do much beyond it. I don't know if I'm strong enough for all that. And besides," she continues, "I don't think they need my help. If I did decide to become a Magical Girl right now, could I really make a difference?"
For the first time since the conversation began, Binah opens her eyes. "Oh? Are you certain of such a thing? If I am not mistaken, your potential is quite immense, in fact. If you were to set yourself upon a path, you would no doubt reach a conclusion without fail."
Again, Madoka winces. "I know that, I just… I can't really believe it. Kyubey told me, Mami told me, even Homura's said the same thing. That if I became a Magical Girl, I'd be powerful. More powerful than any of them, even. But I just can't imagine myself like that."
"Is it really so difficult to believe? That there are heights beyond those you admire so deeply? And that you could climb to them yourself? If the boundary exists within your mind, then shattering it is as simple as stepping forward in reality. And yet you are so hesitant to take that step and claim the might dwelling within you." Binah intones. Slowly, Madoka shakes her head.
"It's not like that. I can't make a decision like that just to see what would happen. If I'm going to make a Contract, it has to be something I'm sure of. I don't want to waste this. And…"
"And?" Binah pursues.
"Homura… says it will kill me. That if I become a Magical Girl, I'll die." Madoka admits, staring mournfully at her untouched tea. "I know it's cowardly, because everyone else is risking their lives and I'm not. But I don't know if I can do that like everyone else."
"One might say that the fear of death is not cowardice, but simply a common instinct inherent to all of mankind. That fear may be overcome in a moment, but it exists regardless in all but the most foolish of warriors." Binah counters, bringing her own cup up to her lips once again. A strange glimmer has settled into her eyes, a dying, strangled glow barely persisting in the dark. "When the final moment arrives, you may find courage otherwise unforeseen. Or perhaps you will simply find something you fear more than death. But that is all a matter for the future."
"Do you actually think so?" Madoka asks doubtfully. If she were really that brave, wouldn't she be fighting already?
"Perhaps, perhaps not." Binah concludes. "It matters little. For now, we must welcome a new guest at our table."
The clicking of heels against the wooden floor draws Madoka's attention away from the grim conversation to see you emerging from the dark trees bordering Binah's clearing.
"I leave you alone for five minutes and this happens, Binah? Honestly, I thought I was making a joke when I said you weren't safe to leave around children." you chide. Binah, of course, keeps smiling.
"Manager. You have arrived at last. Come, sit. I have taken the liberty of preparing a cup of tea for you."
Grumbling at Binah's ignoring of your partially-genuine criticism, you pull out your chair and take your seat, immediately draining a third of your still-steaming tea. Binah herself has finished half of her drink, while it seems Madoka has only taken a small sip. Either she isn't a fan of tea, or has had better things to think about.
"Binah," you begin in an exasperated voice. "Not everyone spends their free time reading a dictionary. If you want to get a point across, sometimes it's better to use fewer words."
"The simplification of information erodes its complexity and lets slip from attention vital scraps of knowledge. To abbreviate a lesson is to weaken it." Binah counters teasingly. You roll your eyes.
"There is such a thing as too much complexity."
"Ah… Miss Binah, if you could just tell me why I'm here, I would be very thankful." Madoka squeaks out between yours and Binah's exchange of words. The former Arbiter sits back in her chair, letting the eager tension that had been building in her posture dissipate.
"If that is what you wish. To speak simply, while you may believe your contributions unnecessary, the truth is quite opposite. My dear manager here is in need of additional strength if they wish to claim victory without sacrifices. Putting it simply, a Wish might be exactly what is needed." Binah says.
"No." you immediately interrupt. "No Wishing. No Contracts. I'm not going to let that happen if I can help it, and I can help it."
"But I can do something!" Madoka says suddenly, pleadingly as she turns to you. "You and Homura and everyone else are risking your lives! If that's what it takes, I should do something, shouldn't I?"
You glare at Binah as she chuckles quietly to herself. Dragging these sorts of reactions out of people is exactly the sort of thing she enjoys. "There's a difference between risking your life and doing something that you know will kill you."
Madoka startles, as if her nervousness has just caught up to her prior outburst. Slowly, quietly, she settles back into her seat.
"So I really will die if I become a Magical Girl…" she mutters to herself. A grim resignation settles over the small girl, like a shadow slowly creeping over a bright field as the day closes.
"It won't come to that." you assure her. "You don't need to go that far just to do something. There are more important things to offer than strength."
Binah chuckles again, more audibly this time. "Indeed. An offering of mere words can change fates that no strength could possibly avert. But which solution you choose is entirely up to you."
The table falls silent for a moment as Madoka processes the choice offered to her. Could her words alone really be enough to make a real difference?
And then, of course, Binah decides to continue. "But should you find that such aid is insufficient for the challenges ahead, there is another route which you may travel, should you find the strength. As was my station, drawing out such potential would take little effort. Certainly so with our manager here to provide a spark."
Just when things were starting to settle, Binah returns with more riddles before anyone can really get their bearings. At least it's obvious what she's talking about.
"Madoka can manifest EGO. That's what you're saying, isn't it?" You lock eyes with Binah. If anyone else would be able to recognize such a thing, it would be her. You've seen the potential within all of th children at some point or another, and even considered aiding in its awakening at one point or another, but in the end the idea was cast aside. You still remember how it went the last time you tried to give somebody EGO.
"EGO… those are those weapons you use. Do you really think I could use one? I've never even held a weapon before." Madoka says in disbelief.
"Just using EGO is difficult, but not impossible. Even if you don't have any combat experience, the weapon will guide you in the same way a Magical Girl's weapon does. The better your connection with that piece of gear, the stronger the guidance and the more effectively you can use it. There are consequences to using EGO you're not strong enough for, but those are more a worry over long-term use. What Binah's suggesting is something different, though." you explain. Binah nods happily.
"To allow the soil of one's heart and mind to become fertile and let blossom the seeds of light planted is a rare and difficult task. But to awaken those seeds and claim what fruit they bear would be a great bounty indeed."
Madoka still seems doubtful. Even so, a tentative curiosity has crept into her voice. "So I would be making my own weapon?"
"As it stands, you would not. Though you are a strong-hearted child, you will find that conviction alone is not enough to nourish the root of potential." Binah says flatly.
Madoka seems to deflate, the nervous energy that had been filling her draining out all at once. You feel a weight inside you, once again leaving her feeling useless.
"That can change, though. Manifesting EGO isn't some big revelation, it's a step in getting a better understanding of yourself as a person. Maybe you'll earn it, maybe you won't, but you can still make a difference either way." you assure the kid. Binah finishes the last of her tea.
"We all have to make sacrifices sometimes." you continue, your mind drifting for a moment back to the past. "Sometimes big, sometimes small. But they don't define us. You're more than what you can do for other people, Madoka."
Binah smiles at you curiously. You stare back at her. "What a laudable sentiment. However, you do require assistance in the trials ahead. And this child has the ability to provide it." Her gaze turns to Madoka, who leans forward in her seat. She still hasn't touched her tea. "That is the question you must face. Will you surrender your life for a cause, or will you preserve your own happiness? It shall be your choice in the end."
"But what if I make the wrong choice?" Madoka asks. Binah smiles once again.
"There is no wrong choice. Only what you decide, and the consequences thereafter."
And whatever Madoka decides, there will be consequences. All you can do is hope they will not fall on her.
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Which is more important?
[] Prioritizing others
[] Prioritizing yourself
[] Write-in
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Der Freischütz's Sapling - Observation Level 2/3
Porccubus' Sapling - Observation Level 2/3
Schadenfreude's Sapling - Observation Level 1/3
CENSORED's Sapling - Observation Level EXPUNGED/REDACTED
Hokma part has been delayed again, if only because this chapter has run long enough without it and I really want to release this today.
