La Chanson de la Victoire (The Song of Victory): La Petite Arpenteuse (Non, SV, you are a General of France in the Napoleonic War!)
- Thread starter Plausbius
- Start date
- Mature Alt. History
Sir_Travelsalot
Never wakes up tired.
- Location
- At Home
[X] Plan Peace with Sicily and the Church Russian edition
- Location
- Moscow
- Pronouns
- He
Ask for forgiveness if I seem to be a harmful supporter of digging into the smallest details, but "Smolin" is not a noble surname. Actually, it comes from "Tar", which probably indicates the origin of the tar man. Like "Kuznetsov" - "Smith", such a person is unlikely to be put in a rather aristocratic Russia for the post of ambassador. In general, I would note that the structure of Russian surnames is such that the more strange combination you come up with, the more realistic it will be than trying to take known variants of the most common surnames (The main reason why this doesn't work is that until 1861, most peasants didn't have last names, and nobles often had strange family names. After 1861, many free peasants took any surnames they could, so the peasant "Kuznetsov" or "Popovich" is as likely as "Aristotle". The revolution of 1917 mixed it all up even more). Georg Magnus Sprengporten or Michael Andreas Barclay de Tolly is quite Russian from the point of view of Russia.
The IRL ambassador is Johann Matthias Edler von Simolin, known in Russian as Ivan Matveyevich Simolin. One of the many Baltic German families that became a large part of the noble elite.
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[X] Plan Peace with Sicily and the Church Russian edition
Magoose
SV's Questing Fanatic
- Location
- California USA
- Pronouns
- He
Wiki was not very helpful with giving the mans full nam and spell check has been quite infuriating when doing certain names.
- Location
- leiden (NL)
Indeed. The French version of the wiki page listing russian ambassadors to France does not include him (no ambassador listed between 1768 and 1808).
Rolen von Keng
Sleeping Green Bear
- Location
- The Wilderness
[X] Plan: Peace without Reprisals
-[X]Reprisals and Renegades: There are Several men within the Army who have committed minor crimes to the people of Palermo, mostly drunkenness, and loudness. You will intervene before your lax approach leads to problems. Cost 1 Army Wealth DC: 25 Reward: You punish the criminals in your army.
-[X]Recovery and Recuperation: The men are victorious, and you are very aware that this may be the last peace and time of rest they may get for a long time. Cost 3 Army Wealth DC: 1 Reward: Morale improves.
-[X]To Maintain Order: The victory in Palermo has led to many… Sicilians feeling broken, humiliated, and bitter. They see your victory as humiliation. And, you need to keep your men safe. If there is trouble… you will make sure there is not. Cost 2 Army Wealth DC 35 Reward: The Sicilian Backlash roll will be decreased by 20.
-[X]The Ball of Palermo: You have never been to a Ball before, and the officers wish to host one for the new Republic… and to bury any old feelings that may be held by the French and the Sicilians. Cost 1 Wealth DC 10 Reward: You go to the First Ball of your life, you hope to not make a fool of yourself.
-[X]Broken Toys: Louis is not talking about Staff work, but you need to know who he is doing… And if you need to send him home to France. DC:??? Reward: Is Louis fit for duty?
-[X]A Request from a Princess: Charlotte has come to you with a request. She wishes to leave the Army for a few months, to go to England, and sue her Uncle for robbing her of the money she had rightfully earned for writing her stories. Cost 1 Wealth. DC: 5 Reward: The Princess goes on an adventure. Pray for her. (She will join Brian and Napoleon in the Rumor mill for the duration of her adventure.)
-[X]Absolution for Auclair: The Holy Father, Pope Pius the VI has requested that you meet with your officers in Rome. He has several things he needs to discuss with you, and the future. Whatever that means DC: ???
-[X] Study & Read: There are books to read and things to learn. DC: Depends on chosen stat level
--[X] Charisma
-[X] Study & Practice: Practice makes perfect. DC: Depends on chosen skill level
--[X] Oratory
-[X]Reprisals and Renegades: There are Several men within the Army who have committed minor crimes to the people of Palermo, mostly drunkenness, and loudness. You will intervene before your lax approach leads to problems. Cost 1 Army Wealth DC: 25 Reward: You punish the criminals in your army.
-[X]Recovery and Recuperation: The men are victorious, and you are very aware that this may be the last peace and time of rest they may get for a long time. Cost 3 Army Wealth DC: 1 Reward: Morale improves.
-[X]To Maintain Order: The victory in Palermo has led to many… Sicilians feeling broken, humiliated, and bitter. They see your victory as humiliation. And, you need to keep your men safe. If there is trouble… you will make sure there is not. Cost 2 Army Wealth DC 35 Reward: The Sicilian Backlash roll will be decreased by 20.
-[X]The Ball of Palermo: You have never been to a Ball before, and the officers wish to host one for the new Republic… and to bury any old feelings that may be held by the French and the Sicilians. Cost 1 Wealth DC 10 Reward: You go to the First Ball of your life, you hope to not make a fool of yourself.
-[X]Broken Toys: Louis is not talking about Staff work, but you need to know who he is doing… And if you need to send him home to France. DC:??? Reward: Is Louis fit for duty?
-[X]A Request from a Princess: Charlotte has come to you with a request. She wishes to leave the Army for a few months, to go to England, and sue her Uncle for robbing her of the money she had rightfully earned for writing her stories. Cost 1 Wealth. DC: 5 Reward: The Princess goes on an adventure. Pray for her. (She will join Brian and Napoleon in the Rumor mill for the duration of her adventure.)
-[X]Absolution for Auclair: The Holy Father, Pope Pius the VI has requested that you meet with your officers in Rome. He has several things he needs to discuss with you, and the future. Whatever that means DC: ???
-[X] Study & Read: There are books to read and things to learn. DC: Depends on chosen stat level
--[X] Charisma
-[X] Study & Practice: Practice makes perfect. DC: Depends on chosen skill level
--[X] Oratory
- Location
- Internet
[X] Plan Peace with Sicily and the Church Russian edition
Magoose
SV's Questing Fanatic
- Location
- California USA
- Pronouns
- He
While you are correct, he also is only that regent until Louis is of age, which is... 5 years in the future? in 1800.
Then all bets are off.
Night_stalker
Slava Ukraini!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
[X] Plan: Peace without Reprisals
[X] Plan Peace with Sicily and the Church Russian edition
Magoose
SV's Questing Fanatic
- Location
- California USA
- Pronouns
- He
That seems more like a you problem.Stop making so many neat side quests we almost never have enough time to train stats
we're not forcing you to go off onto side quests after all.
the main quest is a thing, but side quests are where shit can get real.
and the most changes can occur.
Oversimplified-Omake: The Napoleonic Wars - Invasion of Sicily (Alexander Sturnn)
Oversimplified-Omake: The Napoleonic Wars - Invasion of Sicily
(The Figures of Napoleon and Brian can be seen wielding Sledgehammers and hammering down on the Vendee-Region.)
Narrator: "After all the Success Napoleon and his BFF Brian had been enjoying - crushing the Vendee-Uprising, stopping the Tyranny of Robespierre (Vendee is switched out with the Figure of Robespierre) and kicking the Austrians out of Italy (Robespierre is switched with the figure of an Austrian General) - you might think that finding a suitable Partner for Marriage should've been easy for them. (We are shown that each of them is looking at a shadowy figure) And indeed, both of them had set their sights on someone already. For Brian (The Shadowy Figure he's looking at is revealed as Elissa Bonaparte) it was one of Napoleons Sisters. And for Napoleon..."
(The Scene shows Napoleon at his desk in his command tent, humming happily with a lovesick look in his eyes as he writes something down. Then, suddenly, Brian barges into the Tent.)
Brian: "Hey Nappy, I've got the Reports on our Losses and the first Answers of the Austrians to our deman-"
Napoleon: "AAAH!!!" (He quickly hides away what he was writing)
Brian: "...Um...was I...interrupting something?"
Napoleon (nervously): "W-whaaat? Noooooo, o-of course not, why would you say that...?"
Brian (suspiciously): "...Nappy, what were you writing on before I came in?"
Napoleon (eyes darting from left to right): "U-um...I was...definitely NOT writing sappy Love Poems to your Sister Therese again."
Narrator: "He was, in fact, writing sappy love poetry to Therese again. (Shows piles and piles of Letters in the Background of the tent) A Common occurrence for Napoleon after he had grown smitten with her early in his career, and it showed. Especially since the female General herself had shown no signs of slowing down.
Therese's Career had only gone upwards after kicking the Prussians butt at Valmy. (That Sentence is underscored by the Figure of Therese kicking Prussia so hard it flies out of frame) After leading a successful Campaign at the Western Borders of France (Shows a map with the Movements of Troops in Western France) and taking custody of the surviving Children of the late King Louis XVI. (Shows Therese affectionately petting the heads of young Louis and Charlotte), she had become an international Sensation. (Men from many European Nations are gawking at Therese) To the Point that Novels about this female French General and her 'Adventures' were circulating in the high Society of Europe. Originating in Great Britain, these Novels soon spread across the Continent."
(We see a Bunch of Officers in Therese's Army standing together.)
Officer 1 (holds up a book): "Hey! Did you know they're already writing Books about General Auclair?"
Officer 2: "Yeah some of them are terrible, but we can't make...other things about her so its all we got."
Officer 1: "Yeah...whatever happened to the Lewd posters we made for propaganda and Recruitment?"
(Shows Therese RAGING and burning them while whipping a officer.)
Officer 1: "Yeah, this is why we stick to books."
Officer 2: "...Who writes these anyway?"
(Charlotte is in her room writing Therese Fanclub Stories while humming happily.)
Narrator: "Despite the...questionable Quality of these Books, they were extremely popular. Although they did get on General Auclairs nerves a bit. (Shows Therese glaring at a Book, going "Grrrrr...!") However, Therese had other Issues to deal with at this Point."
Therese (sitting in her command tent and sighs as she reads a letter): "Wow...Napoleon does not give up, huh? (She pauses) ...Maybe I should give him a Chance and see what he's like? I mean, what harm can one date do? (She shakes her head) Focus, Therese! You have enough on your plate right now. The War still isn't over. Let's just hope the Directory doesn't do something stupid. Like...order me to go and invade some far-off Country for nebulous gains."
Aide de Camp (enters the tent): "General Auclair. The Directory has appointed you as Leader of the Army of the Orient and ordered you to invade and conquer Egypt."
(Silence reigns for a few seconds.
Shows the Inside of Therese's head: RAGE AGAINST THE STATE INTENSIFIES!!)
Therese (with deceptive calm): "Oh...well, If I'm going off somewhere else far away... (She stands up) Let's go and at least find me some competent officers."
Narrator: "And so she did. After recruiting some of the most promising French Officers like Kleber, Davout and Severin, she prepared to set Sail with an Army of roughly 100.000 Men. However, she did put her foot down on one thing. (Shows Therese glaring at the Directory) If she was gonna go on this STUPID Invasion, she would make sure that France got something actually worthwhile out of it. Namely, the defeat of it's last remaining Enemy: The Kingdoms of Sicily and Naples. (Shows a man with a confused expression) Wait...'Last remaining Enemy?', I hear you ask. What happened to the others?
Well, the War of the First Coalition was pretty much over by now. Austria and Prussia had gotten their butts kicked in the field (Prussia and Austria get blasted away by France with a Bazooka), Spain's colonial Empire was rapidly unraveling (Spain watches his Colonial Possessions crumble to dust) and Great Britain had gotten absolutely REKT by an economic Crisis. (Sad-faced Great Britain) The Allies had no other Options left but to sue for Peace. Only Sicily and Naples - both of which were conveniently ruled by the same Guy at the time (Shows a Picture of Ferdinand III.) - remained at War."
Therese (standing at the Docks): "I only hope that I can go home after this? (Watches Parsha leaving) ...Bah. Just ignore the Mission Creep and go fight Italy."
Narrator: "However, just before she set sail, something rather important happened in Paris. The Directory, already unpopular, screwed up one final time."
(The Members of the Directory are celebrating in their Chamber.)
Member 1: "We did it folks! The War is won! The Republic is safe! (The Jubilation dies down) Just...one Question. What are we gonna do with all the cash we got from the Treaties?"
Member 2 (steps forward as passionate, patriotic Music plays): "Well, I think our Soldiers, who gave their lives, health and sometimes Sanity for the Revolution and the Republic, deserve to finally get their promised Payment. Especially since they are already rather unhappy with us."
(Music stops and silence reigns as the others Members look at him.)
Member 3: "...Ooorrr...we could literally do anything else and expect the Soldiers, who we don't need anymore anyway, to just go home and suck it!!"
(Everyone except Member 2 starts to cheer again.)
Member 2 (facepalms): "We're screwed."
(Right on cue, the Doors of the Chamber slam open.)
Ney (enters the Room): "Allow me to Introduce myself! I am Colonel Ney. And I am here to bring to you the grievances of the Republic's Soldiers. In fact...you can have them right NOW."
(Que an endless Stream of Soldiers pouring into the Room and sweeping the Directory away as the Marseillaise blasts at full Volume!)
Narrator: "By denying the Soldiers their rightful pay, the Directory had crossed a line. Under the Leadership of a young Officer called Ney, the French Army overthrew the Government. Interestingly, however, this did NOT end in an outright military Dictatorship. Instead, a new Government, headed by three Consuls was installed. Two of them were Brian Auclair as the First and Napoleon as the Second Consul."
(Scene shows Brian and Napoleon in a building in Paris.)
Brian: "WHAT?! Napoleon, I am not a Politician! Why should I accept this post?!"
Napoleon: "Because you are the only one popular enough with the People of France and the Army who has also my Trust."
Brian (suspiciously): "Wait a minute... How do I know this isn't some ploy by you to later seize control of the Republic?"
Napoleon: "Look, Brian, it's really simple. Either YOU accept the Post...or someone appointed by the Third Consul does."
Brian: "Oh yeah? Why would that be so bad?"
(The door bursts open, revealing the Third Consul. None other then...!)
Robespierre: "Hello, DIRTY TRAITORS-um, I mean, 'fellow Consuls'. I can't wait to SEND YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE TO THE GUILLOTINE-I mean, 'work together with you'."
Napoleon: "...That's why."
Brian (sighs): "...Aw, screw it, fine. I'm in."
Narrator: "Now, with a new Government out of the way, General Auclair could finally leave to Sicily to continue the family tradition of beating up Italians. (Shows Therese sailing on her ship while saying 'Le Hurray!')
Soon, the French Fleet carrying her Army closed in on Sicily, which would make for a great Naval Base if taken. And even better: King Ferdinand III. from the House Bourbon, Ruler of both Sicily and Naples, was residing in Palermo with the Courts of both Kingdoms. The Members of said Courts were understandably freaking out about the approaching French Army. (The Members of the Courts are running up and down in the Throneroom, screaming in Panic) However, King Ferdinand was not about to give up without a fight. He knew that he was outnumbered and outgunned. (Ferdinand is pondering on his Throne) But he DID come up with a pretty Big Brain Scheme. (Little Maps show his Plan) He would station the Bulk of his Army at Gela, one of the easiest Landing Spots on the Island...but station them in hiding. The French would undoubtably land there, especially since a Storm was rumbling over the Shores of Sicily, making any other landing Option utterly ludicrous at best. And then, as they landed, his Army would attack and blast them to pieces. Badaboom, badabing!"
Ferdinand (sitting on his Throne, smirking smugly): "Man, I am SO smart. I will be the one who took down this Harlot who is fancying herself a General! My trap is sure to finish her off and-"
Servant: "Um, your Majesty?"
Ferdinand: "Urgh...WHAT IS IT, Luigi?! I was thinking of my impending Victory at Gela!"
Servant: "Well...that's just it, your Majesty. The French Army isn't at Gela. In fact...half of them is storming Palermo right at this Moment. In an amphibious Assault. During a Storm."
(Cut outside to show Therese and her Army storming the City and overwhelming the Sicilian Army.)
Servant: "...Also, the other half of them intercepted our Troops as they rushed back from Gela and, well...our entire Army is dead now. All of them."
(Silence.)
Ferdinand: "...OoooOhhHhh NoooOooo-!!"
Narrator: "The Storm annoyed Therese and she wanted to get dry in the nicest City in Sicily. So she told Davout and the Boys to kick the asses of everyone getting in their way. (Therese points Davout, Severin, Chamas and the others away and they run off)
And after two brief battles, one of which saw the Capture of the entire Royal Courts of two Kingdoms, as well as the City of Palermo, in an amphibious Assault DURING A STORM!!! (Once more shows the Assault on Palermo), while the other saw the complete Annihilation of the ENTIRE Sicilian Army (Shows the Sicilian Army looking on in helpless shock as Davout, Severin, Murat and Chamas leap into their midst Anime-Style and knock them all down with Karate-Moves), the last War Enemy of France had been defeated. Therese Auclair had just ended the War of the First Coalition. (Camera zooms in on Therese, who winks into the Camera) Oh and, by the way, she lost only slightly over 500 Men while doing so.
...Yeah.
News of this stunning Victory rapidly traveled back to France. And if you thought Napoleon was already completely head over heels in love with Therese, well, you ain't seen nothing yet Girls. (Explosions on the Groin of Napoleons Figure) His Loins were ON FIRE."
(Robespierre and Brian stand in front of Napoleons Office, looking at Pierre.)
Robespierre: "Pierre, the First Consul and I need to talk to the Second Consul."
Brian: "Indeed. We must discuss what my Sisters Victory means for our future Plans for France!"
Pierre: "...W-well...I think the Second Consul is currently...busy."
Robespierre: "Busy? How?"
Pierre: "Um..."
(Inside Napoleons Office, he is kneeling in front of a GIGANTIC Poster of Therese that is covering up an entire Wall, a Rose in his mouth while sappy romantic Music plays and Rose Petals fly through the air as he is rehearsing his planned Proposal.)
Napoleon: "Oh, Therese Auclair, you Goddess of War, you reborn Minerva...your beauty and grace are only surpassed by your legendary Capabilities as a Leader and Commander. You are my guiding light in these dark times and exemplify the Virtues of the Revolution like no other Woman I have ever met. I ask you, oh my radiant Goddess (He pulls out a Ring), will you allow me to march side by side with you for the rest of our lives, casting down all foes of France together?"
(Suddenly, the Music and the Petals stop. Napoleon slowly turns around to see Pierre, Brian and Robespierre stare at him with open mouths and shocked expressions.)
Robespierre: "...Uuuuuuummmm..."
Napoleon (gets closer and closer to them with every word until he is staring all three of them into the Ground) "...You. Saw. NOTHING."
A.N.: And here we go: Oversimplified Napoleonic Wars, Therese Edition. Written by me and @Cyberphilosipher. Future Installments may follow.
(The Figures of Napoleon and Brian can be seen wielding Sledgehammers and hammering down on the Vendee-Region.)
Narrator: "After all the Success Napoleon and his BFF Brian had been enjoying - crushing the Vendee-Uprising, stopping the Tyranny of Robespierre (Vendee is switched out with the Figure of Robespierre) and kicking the Austrians out of Italy (Robespierre is switched with the figure of an Austrian General) - you might think that finding a suitable Partner for Marriage should've been easy for them. (We are shown that each of them is looking at a shadowy figure) And indeed, both of them had set their sights on someone already. For Brian (The Shadowy Figure he's looking at is revealed as Elissa Bonaparte) it was one of Napoleons Sisters. And for Napoleon..."
(The Scene shows Napoleon at his desk in his command tent, humming happily with a lovesick look in his eyes as he writes something down. Then, suddenly, Brian barges into the Tent.)
Brian: "Hey Nappy, I've got the Reports on our Losses and the first Answers of the Austrians to our deman-"
Napoleon: "AAAH!!!" (He quickly hides away what he was writing)
Brian: "...Um...was I...interrupting something?"
Napoleon (nervously): "W-whaaat? Noooooo, o-of course not, why would you say that...?"
Brian (suspiciously): "...Nappy, what were you writing on before I came in?"
Napoleon (eyes darting from left to right): "U-um...I was...definitely NOT writing sappy Love Poems to your Sister Therese again."
Narrator: "He was, in fact, writing sappy love poetry to Therese again. (Shows piles and piles of Letters in the Background of the tent) A Common occurrence for Napoleon after he had grown smitten with her early in his career, and it showed. Especially since the female General herself had shown no signs of slowing down.
Therese's Career had only gone upwards after kicking the Prussians butt at Valmy. (That Sentence is underscored by the Figure of Therese kicking Prussia so hard it flies out of frame) After leading a successful Campaign at the Western Borders of France (Shows a map with the Movements of Troops in Western France) and taking custody of the surviving Children of the late King Louis XVI. (Shows Therese affectionately petting the heads of young Louis and Charlotte), she had become an international Sensation. (Men from many European Nations are gawking at Therese) To the Point that Novels about this female French General and her 'Adventures' were circulating in the high Society of Europe. Originating in Great Britain, these Novels soon spread across the Continent."
(We see a Bunch of Officers in Therese's Army standing together.)
Officer 1 (holds up a book): "Hey! Did you know they're already writing Books about General Auclair?"
Officer 2: "Yeah some of them are terrible, but we can't make...other things about her so its all we got."
Officer 1: "Yeah...whatever happened to the Lewd posters we made for propaganda and Recruitment?"
(Shows Therese RAGING and burning them while whipping a officer.)
Officer 1: "Yeah, this is why we stick to books."
Officer 2: "...Who writes these anyway?"
(Charlotte is in her room writing Therese Fanclub Stories while humming happily.)
Narrator: "Despite the...questionable Quality of these Books, they were extremely popular. Although they did get on General Auclairs nerves a bit. (Shows Therese glaring at a Book, going "Grrrrr...!") However, Therese had other Issues to deal with at this Point."
Therese (sitting in her command tent and sighs as she reads a letter): "Wow...Napoleon does not give up, huh? (She pauses) ...Maybe I should give him a Chance and see what he's like? I mean, what harm can one date do? (She shakes her head) Focus, Therese! You have enough on your plate right now. The War still isn't over. Let's just hope the Directory doesn't do something stupid. Like...order me to go and invade some far-off Country for nebulous gains."
Aide de Camp (enters the tent): "General Auclair. The Directory has appointed you as Leader of the Army of the Orient and ordered you to invade and conquer Egypt."
(Silence reigns for a few seconds.
Shows the Inside of Therese's head: RAGE AGAINST THE STATE INTENSIFIES!!)
Therese (with deceptive calm): "Oh...well, If I'm going off somewhere else far away... (She stands up) Let's go and at least find me some competent officers."
Narrator: "And so she did. After recruiting some of the most promising French Officers like Kleber, Davout and Severin, she prepared to set Sail with an Army of roughly 100.000 Men. However, she did put her foot down on one thing. (Shows Therese glaring at the Directory) If she was gonna go on this STUPID Invasion, she would make sure that France got something actually worthwhile out of it. Namely, the defeat of it's last remaining Enemy: The Kingdoms of Sicily and Naples. (Shows a man with a confused expression) Wait...'Last remaining Enemy?', I hear you ask. What happened to the others?
Well, the War of the First Coalition was pretty much over by now. Austria and Prussia had gotten their butts kicked in the field (Prussia and Austria get blasted away by France with a Bazooka), Spain's colonial Empire was rapidly unraveling (Spain watches his Colonial Possessions crumble to dust) and Great Britain had gotten absolutely REKT by an economic Crisis. (Sad-faced Great Britain) The Allies had no other Options left but to sue for Peace. Only Sicily and Naples - both of which were conveniently ruled by the same Guy at the time (Shows a Picture of Ferdinand III.) - remained at War."
Therese (standing at the Docks): "I only hope that I can go home after this? (Watches Parsha leaving) ...Bah. Just ignore the Mission Creep and go fight Italy."
Narrator: "However, just before she set sail, something rather important happened in Paris. The Directory, already unpopular, screwed up one final time."
(The Members of the Directory are celebrating in their Chamber.)
Member 1: "We did it folks! The War is won! The Republic is safe! (The Jubilation dies down) Just...one Question. What are we gonna do with all the cash we got from the Treaties?"
Member 2 (steps forward as passionate, patriotic Music plays): "Well, I think our Soldiers, who gave their lives, health and sometimes Sanity for the Revolution and the Republic, deserve to finally get their promised Payment. Especially since they are already rather unhappy with us."
(Music stops and silence reigns as the others Members look at him.)
Member 3: "...Ooorrr...we could literally do anything else and expect the Soldiers, who we don't need anymore anyway, to just go home and suck it!!"
(Everyone except Member 2 starts to cheer again.)
Member 2 (facepalms): "We're screwed."
(Right on cue, the Doors of the Chamber slam open.)
Ney (enters the Room): "Allow me to Introduce myself! I am Colonel Ney. And I am here to bring to you the grievances of the Republic's Soldiers. In fact...you can have them right NOW."
(Que an endless Stream of Soldiers pouring into the Room and sweeping the Directory away as the Marseillaise blasts at full Volume!)
Narrator: "By denying the Soldiers their rightful pay, the Directory had crossed a line. Under the Leadership of a young Officer called Ney, the French Army overthrew the Government. Interestingly, however, this did NOT end in an outright military Dictatorship. Instead, a new Government, headed by three Consuls was installed. Two of them were Brian Auclair as the First and Napoleon as the Second Consul."
(Scene shows Brian and Napoleon in a building in Paris.)
Brian: "WHAT?! Napoleon, I am not a Politician! Why should I accept this post?!"
Napoleon: "Because you are the only one popular enough with the People of France and the Army who has also my Trust."
Brian (suspiciously): "Wait a minute... How do I know this isn't some ploy by you to later seize control of the Republic?"
Napoleon: "Look, Brian, it's really simple. Either YOU accept the Post...or someone appointed by the Third Consul does."
Brian: "Oh yeah? Why would that be so bad?"
(The door bursts open, revealing the Third Consul. None other then...!)
Robespierre: "Hello, DIRTY TRAITORS-um, I mean, 'fellow Consuls'. I can't wait to SEND YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE TO THE GUILLOTINE-I mean, 'work together with you'."
Napoleon: "...That's why."
Brian (sighs): "...Aw, screw it, fine. I'm in."
Narrator: "Now, with a new Government out of the way, General Auclair could finally leave to Sicily to continue the family tradition of beating up Italians. (Shows Therese sailing on her ship while saying 'Le Hurray!')
Soon, the French Fleet carrying her Army closed in on Sicily, which would make for a great Naval Base if taken. And even better: King Ferdinand III. from the House Bourbon, Ruler of both Sicily and Naples, was residing in Palermo with the Courts of both Kingdoms. The Members of said Courts were understandably freaking out about the approaching French Army. (The Members of the Courts are running up and down in the Throneroom, screaming in Panic) However, King Ferdinand was not about to give up without a fight. He knew that he was outnumbered and outgunned. (Ferdinand is pondering on his Throne) But he DID come up with a pretty Big Brain Scheme. (Little Maps show his Plan) He would station the Bulk of his Army at Gela, one of the easiest Landing Spots on the Island...but station them in hiding. The French would undoubtably land there, especially since a Storm was rumbling over the Shores of Sicily, making any other landing Option utterly ludicrous at best. And then, as they landed, his Army would attack and blast them to pieces. Badaboom, badabing!"
Ferdinand (sitting on his Throne, smirking smugly): "Man, I am SO smart. I will be the one who took down this Harlot who is fancying herself a General! My trap is sure to finish her off and-"
Servant: "Um, your Majesty?"
Ferdinand: "Urgh...WHAT IS IT, Luigi?! I was thinking of my impending Victory at Gela!"
Servant: "Well...that's just it, your Majesty. The French Army isn't at Gela. In fact...half of them is storming Palermo right at this Moment. In an amphibious Assault. During a Storm."
(Cut outside to show Therese and her Army storming the City and overwhelming the Sicilian Army.)
Servant: "...Also, the other half of them intercepted our Troops as they rushed back from Gela and, well...our entire Army is dead now. All of them."
(Silence.)
Ferdinand: "...OoooOhhHhh NoooOooo-!!"
Narrator: "The Storm annoyed Therese and she wanted to get dry in the nicest City in Sicily. So she told Davout and the Boys to kick the asses of everyone getting in their way. (Therese points Davout, Severin, Chamas and the others away and they run off)
And after two brief battles, one of which saw the Capture of the entire Royal Courts of two Kingdoms, as well as the City of Palermo, in an amphibious Assault DURING A STORM!!! (Once more shows the Assault on Palermo), while the other saw the complete Annihilation of the ENTIRE Sicilian Army (Shows the Sicilian Army looking on in helpless shock as Davout, Severin, Murat and Chamas leap into their midst Anime-Style and knock them all down with Karate-Moves), the last War Enemy of France had been defeated. Therese Auclair had just ended the War of the First Coalition. (Camera zooms in on Therese, who winks into the Camera) Oh and, by the way, she lost only slightly over 500 Men while doing so.
...Yeah.
News of this stunning Victory rapidly traveled back to France. And if you thought Napoleon was already completely head over heels in love with Therese, well, you ain't seen nothing yet Girls. (Explosions on the Groin of Napoleons Figure) His Loins were ON FIRE."
(Robespierre and Brian stand in front of Napoleons Office, looking at Pierre.)
Robespierre: "Pierre, the First Consul and I need to talk to the Second Consul."
Brian: "Indeed. We must discuss what my Sisters Victory means for our future Plans for France!"
Pierre: "...W-well...I think the Second Consul is currently...busy."
Robespierre: "Busy? How?"
Pierre: "Um..."
(Inside Napoleons Office, he is kneeling in front of a GIGANTIC Poster of Therese that is covering up an entire Wall, a Rose in his mouth while sappy romantic Music plays and Rose Petals fly through the air as he is rehearsing his planned Proposal.)
Napoleon: "Oh, Therese Auclair, you Goddess of War, you reborn Minerva...your beauty and grace are only surpassed by your legendary Capabilities as a Leader and Commander. You are my guiding light in these dark times and exemplify the Virtues of the Revolution like no other Woman I have ever met. I ask you, oh my radiant Goddess (He pulls out a Ring), will you allow me to march side by side with you for the rest of our lives, casting down all foes of France together?"
(Suddenly, the Music and the Petals stop. Napoleon slowly turns around to see Pierre, Brian and Robespierre stare at him with open mouths and shocked expressions.)
Robespierre: "...Uuuuuuummmm..."
Napoleon (gets closer and closer to them with every word until he is staring all three of them into the Ground) "...You. Saw. NOTHING."
A.N.: And here we go: Oversimplified Napoleonic Wars, Therese Edition. Written by me and @Cyberphilosipher. Future Installments may follow.
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Magoose
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... I never thought I would see the day.
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