Trepidation
Kaoru sat on the short couch in the back of the living room, leaning over an untouched iced drink. A small sigh escaped her lips as she listened to the active chatter with half an ear.
"... need to pull teams 3 and 4 off patrol. We'll need Yui and Aiko on this."
"... Class 3? What the hell does that even mean?"
"... million deaths ..."
"Has anyone seen Sayaka? She was supposed to be on duty today. Dammit, if she got bored and wandered off to the music store again..."
...
So much commotion and activity usually wasn't seen except on major party days. The tenseness in the atmosphere belied that, though. A small request for help from a nearby group, and suddenly the Serene's house had become SDF central command.
Kaoru already knew what her duty would be, so there was no need for her to get in the way of all the people working support, trying to organize the teams and make sure everyone was battle-ready. Her job was to use her powers to help counter the aura of despair that this monstrous creature had, that apparently crippled most veteran meguca.
But only for the test run. A test, to see if she was capable. A test, a test, a test, like so many others that she'd been through over the last couple months. Kyouko and Mami, both spending their precious time trying to train her, to tease out that oh-so-hidden talent from within, that sadly still remained hidden.
They had to know whether they could count on her to help in this crisis, or if they'd have to shuffle her back out to the rest of the secondary teams — those waiting, and hoping to help, but who would be unable to without Kaoru's support. Barrier shields to protect the fighters, teleporters to ensure safety, clairvoyants to break through the stealth — all of them useless if she couldn't do her job.
Mami claimed Kaoru had talent, and that she believed in the young songstress, but the disasters of her training in the previous month sucked all of her confidence away.
She set the glass down on the table as the rattling of the ice cubes showed the nervousness that ate at her.
'Elite' — a word to designate talent: those who could be trusted, relied on, counted upon in times of crisis. That word was dangled in front of her not too long ago, and she jumped at the opportunity. After all, hers was a talent that should be obvious to everybody!
And perhaps it could make her strong enough to stand up to the memories that still haunted her — of Hitomi, an experienced veteran, dying in a chaotic fight, Kaoru's own injuries preventing her from doing anything to stop it.
Yet there was a side to it that she had never considered before. Kyouko beat them to within an inch of their life as part of her 'training'. Before, she thought it was just so much reckless abuse, but with the looming threat of a creature that they needed every single elite in the Organization just to fight, much less have a chance at beating... Kyouko's words held a much more terrible weight, now. It's not just about being strong enough to survive, or even strong enough to protect one or two other people.
No, to be an elite, you had to be strong enough to stand on the front lines and protect every single person behind you, no matter what the threat. You had people that depended on you, not as a cog in the machine, but as a gleaming light in the darkness.
And across the room from her, a dozen girls running back and forth in a frenzy, every single one of them counted on her, Kaoru, to be one of those great lights. She hadn't even gotten the seal of approval from Mami or Kyouko, but they still expected things from her. They believed in her. They trusted her.
Standing in front of a crowd, singing your heart out, was similar. The audience trusted you to do your best to entertain. But failure there merely got you boo'd off of stage, and as long as you put all your effort into it, you at least got partial credit.
But there was no partial credit on the battlefield, and if you failed, people died.
Could she face them again, if she failed? If, because she was not able to support the other fighters, one of their precious leaders — their precious friends — fell, because they had to fight on their own?
Once, long ago, Mami had comforted her after a traumatic accident where her foolish exuberance and recklessness caused her to spear another of her hunting team mid-battle. It had nearly crushed her, and Mami had spent four of their precious grief cubes keeping her alive. When asked why, later, Mami had just told her, "I'll never let any of my friends die if I can help it. Ever. No matter what happens, I'll always strive to be there to pull them out of the darkness."
That moment felt like it was important, as if it held a spark of enlightenment just barely outside Kaoru's grasp. She... she needed to hold onto it, today. To remember that she wasn't just showing off, fighting a monster and proving her strength. But to remember what she was there for — all the hunters, and workers, and .. every puella magi...
Kaoru jolted as a hand slammed down on her shoulder. She looked up to see Taya, her fellow commiserator under Kyouko's care. A wan smile crossed Kaoru's face.
"Hey," Taya said, a gentle smile forming as Kaoru looked up. Rather than say anything, though, she slipped down onto the couch next to Kaoru and pulled her into a half hug.
A few minutes later, a simple whisper: "Don't worry. You'll do fine."