Chapter 25
Patient AN: Xomniac, you're a mad genius. I'm helping you write this thing, and I still don't see how you do this…
Once Zoro and Vivi managed to pry Nami off my throat, we made our way onto the deck, where we were met with a… very good justification for Usopp's panic. Indeed, the Merry was in the process of being assaulted by a number of very large, very thrash-y tentacles. Thankfully, Luffy, Sanji, Lassoo, and the Dugongs were doing as good a job as we would expect in fending off the offending appendages, preventing them from causing any scar-worthy damage to the Going Merry. Robin was casually reading a book in her deck chair, disembodied hands occasionally twisting away some tentacle or other, while Chopper turned others into pincushions with flurries of precise scalpel strikes, ranting and raving all the while. As for Usopp and Carue, well… they were midway up the mast, clinging to it for dear life.
All in all, the exact scene of madness I'd expected to find on the Going Merry's deck at any given day.
"What the hell…" Nami muttered beneath her breath.
I took one look at the tentacles taking swipes at our crewmates before snapping my fingers with a mutter of 'Gastro-Amp' and raising my voice. "Hey, Usopp, good news! It's not the Kraken! Not only are his tentacles way bigger, but he's brown, not red!"
"Really?" Usopp called back. "Oh, well, that's alright, then, I guess we'll just leave WHY THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE GODDAMN KRAKEN LOOKS LIKE!?"
I exchanged cheeky smiles with Soundbite before shrugging innocently. "Would you believe me if I said I was an avid fan of oceanology?"
"
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ONE DAY, CROSS!"
"
AND AH'LL HELP!"
"
TAKE a number!" Soundbite snickered.
"Well, whatever this thing is," Boss grunted as he smacked the brunt of a tentacle away with a punch before using his rope-dart to slam one of the limbs into another. "There's no way in hell we're letting it lay a hand on
our ship! Right, boys?"
"RI-GAH!" Mikey started to concur eagerly before he was interrupted by Raphey tackling him out of the way of a tentacle that was about to pancake him. "Aheh… thanks?"
"Less talking, more ass-whipping," the other dugong scowled as she stabbed away a tentacle.
"Let me help you with that…" Lassoo snarled as he opened his jaws towards one of the tentacles. "EAT THI—!"
SPLAT! "HURK!"
"Lassoo!" I yelped, leaning over the edge of the railing and staring nervously at at my dog-gun, who was hunched over and hacking and wheezing something fierce. "Are you alright?"
The dog-gun managed to spit up a lump of ugly-looking black ooze before shaking his head in discomfort. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine…" he grumbled to himself, before darting at the mast and scrambling partway up, snapping viciously at Usopp's ass. "HE WON'T BE ONCE I'M DONE WITH HIM!"
"WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!?" Usopp yowled miserably as he tried to scoot up and away from the pseudo-dachshund's jaws.
"YOUR STUPID AMMUNITION MISFIRED IN MY FREAKING GULLET!"
"WHAT? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, I WAS SURE THAT FORMULA WAS STABLE!"
"TELL THAT TO THE GUNK IN MY THROAT!"
I couldn't help but snicker as I watched Usopp try his level best to avoid becoming doggie chow. Unfortunately for him, after Lassoo's… 'operation', for lack of a better word, his BMI had decreased considerably, changing his physique from a massive log of a canine to a far slimmer and far more natural-looking size, allowing him to make considerable headway up the mast.
The bulge in his barrel had also been replaced with a larger revolver cylinder, which was protected by its own armor plate, and his overall circumference had been reduced to about a foot around or so. The change in mechanisms had translated into the discoloration of a patch of fur around his midsection, but apart from that the zoan-weapon was fit as a fiddle.
Luckily for Usopp, before Lassoo could shimmy his way far enough up the mast, Nami drew his attention by rapping the butt of her Clima-Tact on the deck.
"You can maul the long-nose
later, mutt!" she ordered as she swung her moderately electrified staff at a tentacle that had gotten a little
too close. "For now,
help protect our goddamn ship!"
Lassoo cast a final baleful glare up at Usopp before dropping back down and resorting to using his conventional explosive ammunition against the limbs.
I was about to join in the fight when a thought occurred to me. "Hey, Nami!"
"Wha—
GAH!" Nami cut herself off with a strangled shriek as one of Vivi's Peacock String Slashers sliced through the air inches to her right in order to ward off a tentacle she'd failed to notice. "
Watch it, Vivi!—WHAT!?"
I winced reflexively before her fury before refocusing myself. "Water tends to amplify vibrations, right?"
"Yeah, what about it!?"
Instead of answering her I cocked my eyebrow at the gastropod I was toting. "Soundbite, you remember that gut-churning trick you devised before we reached Alabasta?"
The snail in question gave me a searching look before allowing an eager grin to cross his face. "
Yeeeaaah?"
"Well, I've just come up with a name for it. Think you can layer it on the water around the ship without hitting anyone else?"
Soundbite's grin promptly took on a bloodthirsty glint. "
Ooooh, yeeeaaaah!"
"Then in that case…" I surreptitiously slid my earphones on and held them in place in preparation. "Soundbite, Gastro-Phony!"
In response, Soundbite promptly opened his jaws and the air was
filled with a myriad of noises, from music to laughter to shrieking and every other sound in between. A second later, the tentacles froze and shuddered violently, jerking and lashing out frantically as though their owners were in the midst of a grand mal seizure before snapping back under the water. Everyone onboard abruptly stopped attacking or panicking in favor of looking at me and the snail.
"
COME BACK HERE, YOU LONG-LIMBED MULTI-DEXTROUS CEPHALOPODA!"
Well, almost everyone.
"
I'LL TEACH YOU TO DISRUPT MY RESEARCH INTO BIOCHEMICAL WARFARE! JUST YOU COME UP HERE AND SHOW YOUR SLIMY FACES AGAIN, I DARE YOU, I DARE—!"
THWACK!
"OUCH!… Thanks, Sanji."
"Anytime, Chopper."
"Uh, am I the only one who heard the words 'biochemical—' MMPH!?" Donny started to question before Mikey gagged him.
"Shh, I wanna see how big of a boom he makes!" the nunchuck-wielding dugong snickered, much to the bo-staff wielder's panic.
"
GASTRO-Phony?" Soundbite questioned with a tilt of his head.
I shrugged innocently. "Meant to be short for cacophony because of all the noises you layer in. You like?"
"EHHH…" Soundbite cocked eyestalks back and forth. "
Not bad, has a ring to it. STILL, I WOULD HAVE used that FOR WHEN I steal someone's voice."
"Eh," I shrugged indifferently. "Maybe Gastro-Clone? In honor of our old friend Bentham."
"
Fair enough!"
"Shut up, you idiots," Zoro growled, hand straying to his swords. "This isn't over yet."
"
WHAT?!" Soundbite snapped incredulously. "
I packed enough into that one to LEAVE 'EM WRITHING IN
THE WATER FOR another ten minutes!"
"A
human," Zoro retorted. "I'd think an octopus would react a bit differently."
"Zoro's right," Chopper added, rubbing the back of his head. "Octopi have a very different body structure, and they don't have anything like our inner ear. You scrambled whatever they use to listen, but I doubt that'll keep them down for long. If I had to bet…" He shot an uneasy glance over the edge of the Merry. "You just made them
mad."
Usopp's head was practically on a swivel as he scanned the water. "D-Do you think they're getting reinforcements?"
As one, just about everyone in the crew snapped a disbelieving glare at the sniper.
"R-Right, stupid question."
As all this was going on, I noted that the dugongs had drawn up in a huddle, one they were just breaking.
"Captain!" Boss Dugong announced, one flipper in a salute. "Permission to go scout out the underwater situation?"
"Oh, that sounds like a good idea! Go for it!" Luffy grinned eagerly.
Nodding in understanding, Boss promptly flipped over the edge of the Merry, performing a picture perfect dive into the ocean. Not three seconds later, his rope-dart shot out of the water and buried itself in the wood of the mast before the line pulled itself taut and yanked Boss back aboard.
"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, NOW NOW NOW!" he roared in a panic.
"Huh!?" Nami blinked in confusion as the dugong made a dash for the cannon room. "What are you talking about? How many octopi are down there?"
"FORGET THE OCTOPI!" Boss snapped as he started to lug the oars and makeshift harnesses for him and his squad out. "WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS!
WAY BIGGER! WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW, BEFORE—!"
Without warning, Soundbite's eyestalks stood at attention in panic. "
TOO LATE!"
"What?!" I sputtered. "The hell are you—!?"
And then the ocean around the ship
exploded in several locations, massive plumes of water shooting upwards due to the force of multiple objects breaching the surface. Objects that, once the rush of water slowed, were revealed to be—
"Are those
pagodas?" I asked in dull shock.
"If you're referring to the towers traditionally found in the isolated country of Wano and that the Marine headquarters at Marineford is styled after…" Vivi breathed weakly as she watched the massive multi-eaved towers rise around us. "Then
yes, those are pagodas…"
"Well, this is becoming quite interesting," Robin said, and her tone made it clear that she
was interested. "Judging by the lack of barnacles or algae, it would appear that despite the submergence, the architecture appears to have no water damage."
"I have a more important question!" Nami squawked. "
HOW THE HELL ARE THEY COMING OUT OF THE WATER!?"
"You're about to find out…" Boss proclaimed weakly as he hung onto the rigging for dear life, the other four dugongs following his example with no small amount of fear at seeing their mentor as shaken as he was.
"
BRACE FOR IMPACT!" Soundbite hollered in agreement.
"
What impa—?"
SPLOOSH!
"—
GAH!"
My question devolved into a scream of terror as both the Merry and the ocean around her was… well, lifted, as if by a ladle the size of Laboon. Though really, 'lifted' was a bit of a tame term, on account of how the sheer momentum of our movement pinned most of us to the deck. The clouds themselves seemed to jerk towards us as we rocketed upwards. Thankfully the ordeal only lasted about a minute or so… though the 'thankful' part was rather conditional, on account of how the sudden halt jerked us all off the deck before slamming us right back down again.
We took a brief moment to groan in pain and discomfort before Carue finally managed to get his beak working again. "Whad da heck wath that?" he moaned miserably.
"The beginning of a
very bad time…" Boss sighed wearily. "If I had to guess, hang on
again."
Before anyone could question what he meant, a dozen relatively massive tentacles (tiny when compared to Surume) blasted out of the water, grabbing onto the Merry and lifting her up and out of the water before any of us could react.
I struggled to my feet as I tried to keep from being bowled over by the shaky footing the octopi's grip was causing on our ship. "Okay, I'll be the first to ask it.
What the hell is going on!?"
"Uhhh, guys?" Leo offered uncomfortably from where he was hanging onto the rigging with the rest of the dugongs. "I think I can offer that. Look." He pointed out from the side of the ship with a shaky flipper.
Our gazes all followed his flipper, and most of the crew's jaws, my own included, promptly dropped open in shock. Even Robin's mouth was open, though nowhere near as much as everyone else's.
"Hooooly
shit," I breathed numbly.
Nobody else had any opinions to offer, so stunned were they by the sight before us. Heck, out of the corner of my eye, I could see that even
Merry's jaw was hanging open.
Simply put, we were being held over… a city. Not just any city, mind you, but a city straight out of Feudal Japan. Every bit of it, from the traditionally imperial architecture to the coral trees sculpted in the shape of large bonsai, just about
screamed samurai and honor. Even odder was the location the Merry was in presently: a lake, of all things, surrounded by a green rim, dotted at regular intervals with small dips in the ridge. The lake was what appeared to be the exact center of the city, at its highest point with everything sloping down around it. I could still see the ocean, thankfully enough, just beyond the edges of the circular city… well, circular save for the oddly untamed section of stone that seemed to protrude from the city's border, apart from two separate chains running to it. In fact, if I squinted, it kinda look like—
"…Guys…" I whimpered, just a hint of panic creeping into my voice. "Tell me, does that big rock remind you of anything?"
"Uh…" Nami took out her spyglass and looked through it, before promptly strangling its neck, nearly crumpling the metal. "Cross…" she hissed out fearfully. "Tell me we're not in the middle of a lake in the middle of a city
built on the back of a giant freaking sea turtle!"
"I do believe that I can do you one better, Miss Navigator," Robin chuckled as she looked downwards with avid curiosity. "We appear to be in the middle of a lake in the middle of a city built on the back of a giant sea turtle… that is populated exclusively by octopi."
A moment of silence. Then…
"EH!?" we all bellowed collectively as we followed her gaze.
As the archaeologist-assassin had said, red-skinned and rubbery cephalopods were all over the city, dragging themselves to and fro across the streets and acting… well, acting pretty much like human beings, really. A crowd was gathered around the edges of the lake, with many more in the water itself, and the gigantic examples that were holding the Merry aloft appeared to be sporting metallic helms on their bulbous mantles. Heck, now that I noticed it, octopi featured prominently in the city's architecture, engraved and carved just about everywhere where you'd expect lions or dragons and such.
"HOLY CRAP, THAT'S SO COOL!" Luffy squealed eagerly, his eyes glinting.
"Sanji, just for the record," Vivi swallowed nervously as she eyed the angry-looking Cephalopods who were holding us in the air. "I know you probably have a hundred and one recipes for octopus in your brain, and at any other point I'd love to hear them, but honestly, I don't think that right now would be the best time to share them."
Sanji gnawed on his cigarette uncomfortably as he factored in the size discrepancy with the fact that we were outnumbered almost ten to one. "A… wise choice, milady. Very wise indeed."
Boss licked his muzzle and grimaced uncomfortably. "Ohoh, we're in more trouble than you can even begin to imagine, my friends." He gritted his teeth in a shaky facsimile of a grin. "Well, it might be an unpopular one, but you gotta admit, going down in a blaze of glory fighting shoulder to shoulder with friends… that's a Man's Romance right there, isn't it?"
"Aye, Boss…" his students muttered in reluctant agreement.
"What the heck are you—?" I started to demand before I was interrupted by the air being absolutely
rippled with the sound of bone-shaking drumbeats.
I cast a glare at Soundbite, who promptly snarled back, "NOT
me, LOOK UP!"
And so we looked up… and up and up and up, at the top of the largest pagoda, a glittering edifice of red and white that towered above both us and the rest of the city in general. A golden octopus carving dominated the top of the tower, and directly above it, situated above a balcony in its tentacles, was a stage. And there on the stage was the source of the drumming: a massive taiko drum, a pair of hachimaki-wearing octopi beating it on both sides. A minute into the performance, the sliding paper doors of the balcony shot open, allowing a pair of burly naginata-toting octopi to stride-slither out into view and glare down at us. Once they were standing at attention, they were followed by…
By…
I blinked slowly as I tried to process just what the
hell I was seeing.
Lassoo whimpered and shrank in nervously as he eyed the being above us. "That… is a
lot of raw takoyaki."
"You've got to be
squidding me…" I muttered to myself.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Boss declared firmly as he clenched and unclenched his grip on his rope-dart. "Allow me to introduce you to the Great and Honorable Shogun Octavio, Lord Regent of the fabled Great Octopus Shogunate."
Boss might have called the cephalopod a Shogun, but I recognized him from before this whole mess, and it was hard to separate the two images
. Sure, from his bright red skin to his glaring green eyes and X-shaped scar to the
very unmistakable octopus-themed kabuto helmet he was wearing, the being presiding above us was the spitting image of an aquatic version of a feudal shogun… but to me? To me, the being looked more like a
very specific disc jockey than anything else.
"Boss, I must be going deaf, he's the ruler of the fabled
what?!" Lassoo chuffed in confusion.
"Great. Octopus. Shogunate," Boss enunciated clearly as he gnawed on his cigar. "It's just like it sounds: one big fat kingdom, populated entirely by octopi. I called it fabled because up until just now, it was only a rumor because nobody could pin down where the damn place was, not even if it was above the sea or under it." He chuckled grimly as he jerked his head at the head of the turtle protruding from the general bulk of the city. "Guess we know why now, huh?"
"But why did they attack us!?" Vivi demanded in confusion. "I mean, we didn't do anything to them!"
"Yeth, we did…" Carue groaned as he slapped a wing to his face in miserable realization. "You think that animals awe tewwitowial nowmally, this is how bad they weact when they get togetha and dwaw actual
bowders!"
"So, we invaded their territory, and they're fighting back," Zoro confirmed, reaching for his swords. "Boss, any idea how reasonable these guys are supposed to be?"
The dugong started to shake his head when Octavio suddenly slammed his tentacles together, drawing our attention to him. The shogun just stared for a moment, his gaze inspecting us, then began moving his tentacles, shifting them in a series of motions and patterns that seemed random, but revealed itself to be calculated and deliberate if you paid attention. It was quite the display, given the sheer dexterity the limbs displayed.
It took me a moment to process what I was seeing before snapping my fingers in realization. "I… I could be wrong, but unless he's having a stroke, I'm fairly certain that that's some kind of octopus sign language."
"Well, that's great," Nami drawled darkly, throwing up her hands. "And does anyone onboard happen to
understand octopus sign language?"
"You… never picked up anything from Hachi?" I asked hesitantly.
If looks could kill, the glare Nami gave me would have obliterated the entire turtle
. "I
will cause you grievous bodily injury, Cross."
I shot my hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Yes, ma'am."
"Good. Now then, as I was saying—?"
"Lady, none of us understand
fish, period," Raphey stated tonelessly.
"We're amphibious leaning more towards terrestrial, not all-out aquatic," Leo explained. "Totally different dialect."
"Yeah, I was afraid of that…" Nami ground the heel of her palm into her forehead with a groan. "Alright, we need to be subtle and polite about this—"
"HEEEEEY!" Luffy yelled, waving his arms over his head. "WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STUFF YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR TENTACLES!"
Octavio promptly cut himself off mid-sign, his eyes twitching furiously as he got the general gist of what Luffy was saying before he rounded on his bodyguards and signed something with great haste, causing one of them to scurry back into the pagoda.
Nami planted her face in the middle of the Merry's railing, pounding her fist next to her head. "I am
so close to giving up, so
very close to just
giving the hell up!"
"
THEN WHY dontcha?" Soundbite asked peevishly.
Nami's head promptly snapped up, a demented fire blazing in her eyes. "Because I am a heartless, stone cold
bitch with a will of fucking
iron and I
will stay sane even if it
kills me just so that I can spite you, Luffy,
and this madhouse of an ocean in general. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"
Soundbite started to shiver in terror before freezing with a contemplative look in his eyes. "I THINK
I might be building up a tolerance to HER." He promptly grimaced in discomfort. "
I don't know IF THAT'S A GOOD THING OR BAD."
Before I could respond, I was interrupted by Robin politely saying "Incoming."
"Wha—GAH!" I yelped as an autonomous hand appeared and shoved me to the deck, moving me just far enough so that I wasn't squashed like an insect beneath the half-ton block of a book that almost crushed my skull into my chest cavity by falling on the space I'd occupied moments earlier.
Usopp reeled in terror as he eyed the book. "What the heck—!?"
Robin leaned over the tome and traced the title on the cover. "'The Quintessential Cephalopod Sign Language Lexicon'. Well, now, it would appear that our hosts have graciously provided a manner with which to translate."
Another round of clapping snapped our attention back to the eight-limbed shogun, who was twitching his crossed tentacles impatiently.
"Anybody think they can translate eight flailing limbs into something comprehensible without any time to practice?" I asked hopefully.
"Let me," Vivi said as she pushed her way past Robin and wrenched the titan of a book open, leafing through page after page of tentacle-phrase diagrams. "After learning how to speak and read Long-Arm sign language in less than twenty-four hours when I was ten, no language fazes me anymore." She shivered slightly as she froze mid page-turn. "Fifty different words for theft, not a
one for honest…"
"Well, time to put up or shut up…" I stated before shooting a thumbs-up at Octavio.
The large octopus motioned as if snorting before restarting his signing.
"Ah, alright, alright…" Vivi mumbled as she kept swapping her gaze between the shogun and the pages of the book she was rapidly flipping through. "He's going a bit fast, but… alright, the general gist is that while he's offended by our invading his—no, his
people's territory, very specific on that—he is equally impressed by our ability to fend off some of his mightiest warriors."
"Psh, 'mightiest warriors'," Zoro scoffed. "Let me at them in a straight fight and the shit cook would have enough ingredients to feed Luffy for a month."
"Don't insult me, mosshead," Sanji growled as he hissed in smoke from his cigarette. "I could stretch it out over two with
ease."
"So, you're not denying that your cooking skills are shit?" Zoro grinned.
"You're not denying that you cover up your baldness with algae?" Sanji smirked back.
"Uh, guys?" Chopper interjected hastily. "I don't mean to interrupt, but aren't they more likely to rip out the Merry's keel than meet either of you in a straight fight?"
That shut them up immediately, and allowed Vivi to continue. "Mmm… Alright, it's mostly a lot of posturing right now, but…" She hesitated slightly before nodding firmly. "Yes, he wants us to state what our intentions are for him and his people. After that, with any luck we can just be on our way; swing this right and I
think we could enjoy a feast."
"WE COME IN PEACE, YOUR HIGHNESS!" Nami promptly shouted up at Octavio.
The octo-ruler's response was to cross his tentacles and shoot her a flat look.
Nami blinked in confusion before grinding her teeth as she noticed the superiorly exasperated expressions Luffy and Usopp were adopting. "What?" she hissed.
"Nami, Nami, Nami," Usopp said, shaking his head, his tone appropriate for lecturing a five-year-old that had just been caught trying to fill a saltshaker with sugar. "Don't you know that octopi don't have ears?"
"Yeah, Nami," Luffy nodded solemnly in agreement. "It's so obvious. Maybe you need glasses or—"
SLAM! CRASH!
CRUNCH!
"OCTOPI CAN STILL HEAR, JACKASSES!" Nami shrieked as she finished pummeling our captain and sniper into bloody pulps.
"I need to up my disciplinary measures…" Boss muttered contemplatively, causing his students to cower in terror.
"Uh, Nami?" Chopper cut in again. "While octopi do indeed possess a sense of hearing, yes, that doesn't mean it's all that—"
"WHAT OTHER OPTION DO WE HAVE? WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH LIMBS TO USE THEIR LANGUAGE!" Nami retorted as she yanked at her hair, cowing the poor reindeer.
"Ahem?" Robin interjected politely, spinning her arms and quadrupling the number protruding from her shoulders. "Miss Nefertari, if you would?"
Vivi glared sandstorms at the assassin for a moment before flipping through the pages and pointing out several pictures. "This one, this one, this one and… this one. Try and keep the pace even and the transitions smooth, don't involve your fingers, it's mostly limbs, and you'll have to try and abbreviate around the fact that you actually have a skeletal system."
Robin frowned briefly before concentrating and moving her arms according to the diagrams Vivi had shown. It was slower and somewhat clumsier than Shogun Octavio's signing, but it was amateur sign language. With any luck, it would suffice to get our message of peace and friendship across.
Octavio stared down at us impassively as he watched the process, taking in motion after sign after gesture without so much as a twitch of a reaction or a hint of emotion.
Once the process of sending the message was accomplished, he bowed his head and closed his eyes…
And then…
He reacted, in a way that was neither peaceful, nor friendly.
Specifically, he jerked forwards with an almighty gurgling
roar, purplish veins stabbing into his green eyes as his bodyguards barely kept him from leaping off the balcony at us. Restrained as he was, however, the shogun promptly began shooting off a rapid-fire volley of sign language at us. And he wasn't the only one, as all around us the city erupted into an uproar of gurgling shouts and cries and thrashing tentacles.
Half of those onboard began panicking, and the other half looked at Robin accusingly, myself included.
"What are you looking at me for? I performed the exact motions the princess designated," Robin said, actually sounding somewhat insulted for once.
Our attention turned to Vivi, who was all but ripping through the pages of the book in a blind panic. "I-I-I don't understand!" she protested desperately. "Those gestures were kind and peaceful and-and-and they should have never,
never—ah." She suddenly froze stock still.
"'Ah'?" I repeated dully. "What 'ah'? What the hell is 'ah'?"
Vivi slowly flipped into the back half of the book, which she'd neglected to look at due to its size. "'Ah' is the fact that apparently, the octopi
did foresee someone with joints using their language, so they wrote an entirely different dialect for it with entirely different meanings," she squeaked fearfully.
I felt my eye twitch. "Ah." Really, what else was there to say?
Vivi nodded slowly in agreement. "Ah."
Nami held her mortified expression for a moment before slowly turning an increasingly stormy look on me. "… Didn't you say something a few days ago about her
forgetting some touchy nation's customs?"
"HEY, DON'T LOOK AT ME!" I shouted in equal parts panic and indignation as I jabbed a finger at Vivi. "
SHE'S THE ONE WHO SCREWED UP!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Vivi moaned on repeat as she rocked back and forth, tears streaming from her almost comically blank eyes.
Robin sighed deeply as she held a hand to her forehead. "Out of morbid curiosity, what
did you make me say?"
Vivi seemed to be too caught up in her apologetic panic attack to respond. Consequently, the archaeologist let out a sigh before moving to peer at the book herself, extra hands sprouting to turn the pages. After a few moments, her eyes widened minutely.
"Oh, dear."
Her faux carefree tone spoke volumes.
"So…
how deep in it are we?" Boss asked as he eyed the ongoing riot below us.
"Hm…" Robin scratched her chin contemplatively as she read the book. "I believe that I managed to insult him, his nation, his ancestry, his progeny, his taste in music, his fashion sense and his…" She tilted her head in confusion. "…I believe that there might be a typo here. Suffice to say he's quite incensed."
"Vivi? If we wive thwough this, pwomise you'll wead those books on impuwse contwol that Igawam bought you," Carue groaned out through his beak.
"I forgot the-e-em…" Vivi sobbed miserably.
"Aye know dat, dat's why Aye bwought them with me."
"Yeah, yeah, very heartwarming, we'll deal with Vivi's airheadedness later, but for now?" I hissed at Vivi, intent on snapping her out of her shock. "He's getting his wits about him and starting to sign, so if you please,
translate!"
Thankfully, Vivi managed to pull herself together with relatively minimal effort and flipped back through the book, her eyes flicking between Octavio and the drawings on the page. "Uh… let's see… alright, thankfully it would appear he's only furious about one part of the… insult we tendered, but he is
really mad about it. Apparently his skills at…" Vivi narrowed her eyes at the descriptor before shaking her head in surrender. "Yeah, I don't recognize this word but it's apparently close to sacred for Octav—no, the octopi as a whole. He could have taken every other insult we threw at him in stride, would have laughed it off, but insulting
that was going too far. So now, he wants—no no, he
needs to restore his honor, and that of all his people to boot."
Nami massaged her apparently throbbing temples with a growl. "I can already tell where this is going…" she hissed before raising her voice. "How does he intend to do
that?"
Vivi watched Octavio's motions for a moment before groaning in agreement. "Yeah, it's just what you'd think: the shogun wants a duel… with our captain. He and Luffy pit their skills in… whatever it is we insulted. We win, we get to leave. We
lose…"
"We die…" Lassoo sighed with a roll of his eyes.
"Specifically, we get fed to the giant island-turtle," Vivi corrected with a sigh of her own.
"WOOHOO! Sounds like fun!" Luffy whooped eagerly. It was a testament to just how resigned Nami was that she didn't even take the time to bounce his skull off the deck.
"And what the heck did we insult that's so important that that eight-legged bastard is willing to
kill us over it?" I asked, already dreading the answer.
"Some… kind of activity I think?" Vivi shrugged helplessly. "I've never heard of it before, I don't even know how to pronounce it. This one right here, see?" She pointed out the word in question.
I leaned over and read the word over her shoulder…
And then I read it again, because there was no way in hell that was what I read.
And then I read it
again, just to confirm I wasn't having a stroke-based hallucination.
"What," I stated flatly.
"LOOK OUT!"
THUNK!
Slowly looking up, I stared at the plank of polished, carved wood that had embedded itself in the deck, still vibrating ever so slightly from being launched at us.
"
What," Soundbite parroted in an equally flat voice.
Another gurgly roar drew our gazes up to Octavio, who had perched himself at the very top of the pagoda and was proudly displaying himself to his citizens, an action that was met with their eager applause and wet cheers. He was holding the object of our disbelief high above his head, bouncing it eagerly to the cheers of all the octopi.
My eye twitched violently as a ray of sunshine bounced off the surfboard.
"
What!" Soundbite and I chorused.
-o-
"So, at first, you were going against Pops' wishes by going after Blackbeard. Now, you're still going against Pops' wishes, but you're getting our help with it?" an intimidating man with rose pink hair growled at a seemingly lazy shirtless man.
"Let's just say I got a harsh reality check from someone who knows what he's talking about," Ace stated, not even deeming to move his hat from where it sat over his eyes. "Come on, Squard, I can't let the bastard go free after what he did to Thatch, you know that, but I can't go after him alone, either. Whether I like it or not, I need help to take him out, and you and Whitey were the closest ones to Paradise."
Squard ground his disturbingly sharp teeth as he mulled over the statement. "But still…"
"Squard," Ace cut him off, casting a glare out of the corner of his eye. "The entire reason I've been able to keep up with Teach and follow is that he's been tearing a bloody swath through Paradise. Even if he hadn't murdered a crewmate, I'd
still find him detestable because of what he's doing. He's our mess, we
need to stop him."
Squard ground his teeth even harder before allowing himself to relax and sigh heavily. "Yeah… yeah, I suppose we do…" He then allowed himself a fierce grin as he tapped the hilt of his blade. "Eh, fine. Just let me stab that fat bastard in the stomach at least once before you ash him, alright?"
Ace matched the bloodthirsty grin tooth for tooth. "I imagine we'll need to let Whitey have her usual opening cannonade first, but after that, sure. Who am I to deny a man his wishes, huh?"
"Alright, then!" the senior pirate captain stated, wringing his hands eagerly. "So, where do we start looking for the bastard? Got any fresh leads?"
The question robbed Ace of his smirk, prompting him to instead adopt a scowl as he tilted his hat back down over his eyes. "A lead, yes, fresh… debatable. It's… time-sensitive. Chances are that if we act on it too soon, we'll miss our window. For now, we need to wait until the events my source told me about come to pass."
"Oh, yeah?" Squard cocked his eyebrow skeptically "And is this 'source' of yours all that reliable?"
"Well…" Ace scratched his chin contemplatively. "I'll admit that he's got a bit of a mouth…"
"
Don don don don!"
Ace rolled his eyes as he swung himself into a sitting position, smiling at the ringing Transponder Snail. "And a hell of a sense of timing, to boot."
Squard blinked in surprise. "Jeremiah fucking Cross, huh? Eh, what the hell, he's been talking a big game up until now, but he hasn't necessarily been
wrong… Though…" He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Didn't he just hang up his last broadcast an hour or two ago?"
"Yeah, he did…" Ace confirmed, his frown tinged with concern. "Alright, go ahead and pick it up. Hopefully nothing bad's happened."
"Why do
I have to answer the damn snail!? You're a guest on
my ship!" the older pirate protested.
"Simple," Ace grinned impishly as he held up a flickering flame on the tip of his finger. "Because I'm the guest whose Devil Fruit allows him to turn you into brisket at the drop of a hat! Hop to it, geezer!"
Squard's eye twitched as he sputtered incoherently before huffing in resignation and marching over to the snail, muttering about 'cheeky brats' and 'damn Ds and their grins' the entire way. Reaching down, he picked up the receiver and shot a glare back at Ace.
"—
three, four, da da da… Wow, that's a fast turnout. Well, that's enough of a delay! Hello, people of the world!" Cross's voice blared out eagerly. "
I realize that it hasn't been that long since my last broadcast, but honestly, recent events are way
too pressing for me to not share! So, without further ado—!"
"
You're gonna say 'Start the SBS,'
RIGHT?"
"
Ri—DAMNATION!"
Ace snickered. "Soundbite's still Soundbite, no matter what!"
"Just so long as I don't need to deal with him in person…" Squard muttered to himself.
"
Well, anyway, moving on to the main topic: you're probably all wondering why I'm broadcasting again so soon. Well... suffice to say that our crew's managed to get itself in a bit of a pickle. We… well, in short, kind of
sort of managed to insult the honor of the ruler of a… nation of sorts, and now the nation as a whole is… kind of ticked. And by that, I mean furious. The only way for honor to be restored is for a… duel, in a manner of speaking, to be enacted between said ruler and our own captain."
Squard's eyes shot wide in shock as he processed the statement. "Well…shit. Sounds like your brother's gotten himself in something of a bind, huh?"
"HA!" Ace barked jovially. "As if! Honestly, I'm surprised Luffy hasn't gotten in some kind of honor duel
before now! Cross is overreacting, this is tame!"
"
Now, you're all probably wondering what ruler we managed to tick off and what kind of duel Luffy's going into. Well, first, while our collective fates might rest on the outcome of this duel, thankfully this one isn't to the death… so to speak. As for the parameters of the duel and the ruler himself, well…" Cross trailed off uncomfortably for a second before heaving a massive sigh of resignation. "
Alright, there's just no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna go ahead and just spit it out: we insulted the surfing skills of Shogun Octavio, ruler of all octopi beneath the sea, and now Luffy is going to have to outperform him in a surfing competition, or we're all chow for a turtle the size of an island."
"…What," Squard stated succinctly.
Ace had no such reaction, on account of his jaw being too far open for him to say much of anything.
-o-
"WHAT," chorused a pink-haired young man and a blonde-haired young man, both muscular, covered in sweat, and holding bamboo swords.
THWACK-THWACK!
Correction: they
were holding bamboo swords, until the fedora-wearing Marine who was training them cracked them both over their skulls in their moment of inattentiveness.
"Do
not allow your focus to waver in combat, no matter what," the Marine lectured the insensate recruits.
"
To reiterate," Cross emphasized, ignorant of the accident he'd just caused. "
My rubber-brained klutzy moron
of a captain, who has Devil Fruit powers and has never stood on a surfboard a day in his life, is about to attempt to outsurf a professional
surfer… who has eight separate and very dexterous limbs."
"BWAHAHAHAHA!"
The fedora-wearing Marine rolled his eyes as he turned his attention to his dog-hood-wearing superior, who was slapping the ground as he laughed uproariously. "Vice-Admiral, you're causing tremors again."
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Garp continued to laugh, unfazed by his subordinate's concerns.
He was equally unconcerned when a desk fell from the sky and smashed into his head with little to no effect.
"I TOLD YOU TO STOP LISTENING TO THAT MOUTHY BASTARD, GARP!" Sengoku roared from on high.
"
BWAHAHAHAHA!"
-o-
I sighed wearily and allowed my head to thump against the Merry's railing in resignation. "I swear to God, I couldn't make this shit up if I
tried."
"
Ironic…" Soundbite muttered with a slightly glazed look in his eyes.
"Huh?" I glanced down at him.
"
What? I didn't say nuthin'."
I cocked a skeptical eyebrow before moving along. "Well, anyways, I'm not overly familiar with the rules of surfing, so I'll be sharing the microphone with someone who possesses a much more intimate familiarity with the sport. Sanji?"
I handed the microphone over to our chef, who was sitting beside me; apparently, Sanji had spent the few vacation days he'd had at the Baratie at an island where they held an annual surfing tournament. Naturally, he tried to attend it every year in order to impress the ladies. Equally naturally, he got distracted by said ladies—clad in bikinis, of course—every time, so he never made it past the second round, if that. Still, he'd picked up enough over the years to qualify for acting as the co-host for the oncoming shitshow.
"Thanks, Cross. Sanji here, ladies and bastards—"
"Try and keep it
relatively tame, Sanji; kids may be listening," I warned him before reconsidering my statement. "By which I mean very young kids whose parents actually give a damn about what words they do or don't hear. I don't know if I can actually be sued, but I'm not particularly inclined to find out."
"Fair enough, fair enough," Sanji said, waving his hand in a shooing motion. "Well, anyways, to be concise, it appears that the contest is based on who impresses the crowd more, whether by staying on their surfboards the longest or by producing the most impressive tricks. Either or. I imagine that the victor of this contest will be determined based upon their endurance, their ability to focus and remain calm, and their overall skill level."
"I see, I see…" I nodded sagely as I processed the explanation. "So, let me ask you this, Sanji: when you consider that one of the participants in this contest is an aquatic creature who is a professional surfer that apparently polishes his skills on a more-than-daily basis and whose citizens
are the observers of this contest…"
I punctuated this statement by watching as Shogun Octavio posed dramatically for the onlooking crowd, spinning his board around himself with extreme ease and impressive dexterity.
"While the other contestant is—"
SPLAT!
"…ow…"
I winced as our captain chose that exact moment to slip and faceplant off of the impromptu lovechild of a surfboard and a mechanical bull Usopp had constructed for him to practice on.
"Luffy…" I finished lamely to the tune of almost a dozen frustrated groans. "What do you think the chances are of us actually managing to
win this thing?"
"Well, Cross, I'd say that we are thoroughly and utterly fucked right up the ass, if you'll pardon my North Blue slang," Sanji nodded solemnly.
"My thoughts exactly, Sanji, my thoughts exactly," I nodded back in agreement. "Let's just hope that we can fight our way out of this situation, huh?"
"We've done it before and I'm fairly certain that we can do it again."
"
But at what cost, SANJI?! At what cost?!" Soundbite suddenly demanded in a Canadian accent.
I shrugged at the bemused look the cook shot me. "Hey, I don't know
all the references he makes. Most, sure, but this one eludes me. Still! Look on the bright side of things!" I adopted a flat expression as I gestured at where Nami had set up an impromptu booth and was taking bets from the octopi in the form of relatively barnacle-encrusted doubloons, with Vivi and Robin acting as reluctant translators. "Some people are taking advantage of the situation to its fullest, like a sleazebag at a bar with a pocket full of roofies."
"IF I'M DYING, I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING IT
BROKE!" Nami hollered up at me.
"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A PROFIT, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji sang back before settling back down. "Well, getting back on topic, I'd like to hear your opinion on something: seeing how we're still located at the edge of the lake on the island-turtle's back—"
"Still not making this up, people!" I hastily reminded the world.
"How exactly do you think the octopi intend for either Luffy or the shogun to surf at all? After all—" Sanji gestured at the relatively placid waters of the large 100-yard-wide lake our ship was being held over. "The most I've seen so far from these waters are ankle-slappers, and in my experience, decent trick-surfing requires either overhead or double-overhead at a minimum."
"Well, considering just how surf-centric the octopi's culture appears to be—" We both eyed the surfboards and surf-related paraphernalia being toted by the horde of octopi encircling the lake
. "I'd say that it's safe to assume that they have some form of system or other means to generate decent waves for surfing, if this is their venue of choice. Heck, their ruler's personal pagoda is right on its shores. In the end, just like how this whole situation has played out, we have no choice but to wait and see."
Sanji started to nod in agreement before sitting up attentively. "Well, it looks like our waiting period is over, because Octavio's paddling out into the water now."
I snapped my attention to the lake, where the oversized octopus was balancing himself on his board and effectively dragging his way through the water. "Well, it looks like the shogun's already putting his non-human origins to good use, and the competition hasn't even begun yet. Suffice to say, this is
not looking good for us."
It only took the shogun a minute or two to reach the far side of the lake, where he wheeled himself around and signed
something to the crowd.
"Well, it would appear that Shogun Octavio is waiting for
something, but I'm not quite sure what he's expect—
WOAH!" I yelped in panic as the deck beneath our feet suddenly heaved, flinging most of our onlooking crewmates head over heels while the surrounding octopi were left relatively unaffected thanks to their extra limbs.
"What the hell…" I muttered in confusion as I righted myself. "Uh… I don't know what just happened, but it felt like an earthquake!"
"It was the turtle!"
"Huh?" I blinked in confusion as I looked down at Nami, who was rubbing her head with a slight wince.
"The octopi must have trained the turtle we're on to buck on demand!" Nami explained. "
That's how they generate waves to surf on: the shift IS similar to a tectonic event, causing a swell and eventually culminating in high-quality waves for the octopi to surf on!"
"And I can see the swell now!" Sanji provided, pointing out to the water where indeed, a swell of water was surging towards Octavio, who was watching it patiently.
"Alright, listeners, let's see how well this octopus can move," I stated theatrically.
Hey, just because we were all probably going to die was no excuse not to make it a good show, right? Plus, I had complete and utter faith in our crew!
SPLAT!
"…ow…"
…I had
some measure of faith in
most of our crew.
Back out on the water, Octavio was paddling in the same direction as the swell, keeping pace with it as it approached the shore. It wasn't long before the wave began to crest, Octavio having already placed himself in an optimal position. Once the water started crashing and carrying the shogun along, he repositioned his tentacles in what appeared to be his version of standing up and—
I gaped in awe at what occurred next. "…Uh-oh."
"
We gon' DIE, HUH?" Soundbite stated more than asked.
"Looks like," Sanji nodded in agreement solemn.
Though I didn't say anything, I agreed with my co-hosts. Why, you ask?
Because in the simplest of terms, Octavio was absolutely
shredding it out on the water.
Between all the flipping, swerving and spinning Octavio was pulling off with almost supernatural ease, I wasn't completely sure
what the octopus was doing, besides absolutely rocking it on his board and pounding the final nail in our collective coffins.
"Well!" I stated firmly, still entranced by the awe-inspiring display before me. "It's safe to say that my initial assumptions on Octavio's skills were right on the money. The slimy bastard is surfing like an absolute pro and not showing even a hint of being ready to slow down any time soon!"
"To put it one way, Cross, I'd say that Octavio's managing to hang eight with ease, and that's actually
impressive in this case," Sanji nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, but when you consider those suction cups, I'd say it's really more like he's hanging eight
by eight," I noted.
We waited with bated breath as Octavio and the wave he was riding approached the shore.
"What's he doing?" Sanji wondered as the Shogun got closer and closer. "He has to stop, or he'll crash into the shore!"
Even with his previous routine to prepare us, what Octavio did next left us scrambling to pick our jaws up off the deck. He must have hit the bottom, because both he and his surfboard suddenly pitched forward, flinging both into the air. He then proceeded to do a
textbook mid-air flip, grabbing his surfboard in two tentacles in the process, and stuck the landing perfectly, ending by stabbing the lacquered wood into the ground.
He wheeled around to shoot a glare at us before sticking up a tentacle and twitching it firmly.
I held up a hand to forestall Vivi when she started flipping through the lexicon. "Don't bother,
that was universal. Well!" I addressed the world anew. "It looks like we've
really got our work cut out for us. Can Luffy defeat Octavio? Will the rubber man defeat the lord of the board? Will we emerge from this showdown with the shogun of surf unmolested!?"
SPLAT!
"…ow… Oh, hey, is it my turn?" Luffy promptly popped up, wrenching his borrowed board from the practive mechanism and holding it high above his head; A pair of inflatable tubes were affixed around his midsection. "ALRIGHT! I'M READY TO SURF!"
"
Nope," Soundbite deadpanned.
"Not a chance…" Sanji sighed in much the same tone of voice.
"We're dead," I summarized matter-of-factly.
"At least I lived a good life…" Lassoo huffed as he rolled over where he was sunbathing.
"WILL YOU MOWONS SHADDUP ALWEADY!?" Carue squawked in panic.
"And I thought
I was the only realist on the crew…" Robin mused.
"YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" Vivi shrieked.
"
On the bright side, THOSE DUCKS
back in Alabasta can't SAY THAT THIS IS OUR FAULT. VIVI brought this on herself, and the rest of us," Soundbite said sagely… from within the safety of his shell.
-o-
"
THAT SONNUVA—!"
"…
well, he does have a point—"
"
SHADDUP, STOMP!"
"
Sorry…"
-o-
"Well, in the end, it doesn't matter what we say or how much we complain, it
is indeed Luffy's turn to surf," I sighed in resignation before clasping my hands firmly. "And in light of this fact, I'm going to do my damndest to make sure we win. Hey, Luffy, I've got some advice for you!" I ran over to our captain.
"Oh, yeah? What is it, Cross?" Luffy asked eagerly.
I planted my hands on his shoulders as I stared him dead in the eye, my gaze completely serious. "Alright, captain, listen: I've learned from dozens of surfing masters over the years, and the advice they've given me can easily be boiled down to the key pieces. Now look, out on the water, you're probably going to be concentrating a lot on keeping your balance and staying upright and falling in. Simply put,
don't."
"Huh?!" the rubberman blinked in confusion.
"Are you nuts, Cross!?" Usopp demanded frantically. "Luffy has
Devil Fruit powers! If he falls in, he'll drown! Why
shouldn't he think!?"
"Because surfing isn't about thinking
at all!" I replied, crossing my arms in an X. "This sport is all about instinct, emotion, being in tune with your surroundings! The waves, the wind, the water, your board,
especially your board! You might not be able to swim, no, but water is still an intimate part of your basic humanity, and your body
will not forget it! So long as you can
feel your success… then you
will win! Got it?"
Luffy blinked as he processed my words before grinning confidently in agreement. "Got it!"
Usopp stared at me open-mouthed astonishment before allowing himself a shaky, halfway confident grin. "W-wow Cross… t-that information was actually pretty good! Maybe we're not dead after all!"
"Then allow me to un-pry the last nail from our coffin, as it were!"
I looked at the dugong in surprise. "You've got something too, Boss?"
"Indeed I do!" the manly aqua-mammal nodded firmly. "You might not be aware of this, but while martial arts might be the pride and joy of my species, so too are we avid surfers! And in light of this passion, we developed
this!"
He whipped out his flipper and proffered a large shell that had been carved into a makeshift flask.
"This, my friend, is the secret Dugong Surfing Elixir," he proclaimed confidently. "One sip o' this, and you'll gain the skills of
generations of Dugong surfers, some of the best in the Grand Line! It's a closely guarded secret of our species, never before trusted to
anyone outside our kind!"
"Woooaaah…" Luffy breathed reverentially as he picked up the shell, holding it in fingers trembling with excitement. "And you're giving this to me? You're sure?"
"Of course!" Boss breathed out a heavy cloud of smoke as he snapped out a confident thumbs up. "Making sure we stay alive is a helluva lot better than keeping this a secret. Besides, I didn't think I'd ever find a use for it. And in the end…" He bowed his head in an almost solemn manner. "To share the secrets of one's species among friends in our direst hour… is that not…' He looked up with a stunning glint of manliness. "
A Man's Romance?"
"SO COOL!" the dumbass trio squealed enthusiastically.
"GO, BOSS, GO!" the rest of the Dugongs onboard crowed in agreement.
One of the tentacles holding us up tapped impatiently on the deck, making the wooden planks creak ominously.
I flinched nervously at the noise of lumber-based distress before nodding at Luffy. "I think that's your cue to go, Captain."
Luffy nodded in agreement. "Right! Here I go!" And with that, he yanked the cork out of the flask and downed the entire thing in one go. Then, without warning, he doubled over and started shaking vigorously. "Ooooh…"
"L-Luffy!" Chopper cried in concern as he rushed to his side. "Are you alright, are you okay?! Is it food poisoning or allergies or—!?"
"OooooOOOOOHHHH
RAAAAAGH!"
Without any warning, Luffy flung his head back and roared vigorously, shaking the air itself with the sheer force of his chutzpah. "I CAN FEEL IIIIIIT!" he screamed to the world. "THE SKILLS OF THE DUGONG SURFERS FLOWING THROUGH MY VEINS!
RAAAAAAAGH!"
"Holy shit, I think he just went Super Saiyan…" I muttered to myself in awe.
"LET'S DO THIS!"
Before any of us could react, Luffy flung himself overboard into the water. Thankfully, he managed to land on his board, and paddled out into the water even faster than Octavio.
"…ha…hahahaHAHAHAHA!" Usopp started cackling ecstatically, jabbing a confident finger out at the utterly dumbstruck onlooking octopi. "Take that, you stupid squid morons! With Boss's elixir and Cross's advice, Luffy's become the most ultimate surfer of all time! There's no way he can lose now! We're gonna win, you hear me?
WIIIIN!"
"Yeah, squid morons!" Chopper eagerly agreed, sticking his tongue out and pulling down his eyelid in order to add insult to injury.
Boss and I followed Luffy's progress much more sedately, watching him in silence for a few moments until Boss turned his attention to me. "You've never surfed a day in your life, have you?" he divined in a deadpan.
"HUH!?" Chopper sputtered in confusion. "Boss, how could you!? Of course Cross has surfed! He'd never lie about that!"
"Yeah, he's right, I have surfed," I nodded in agreement.
"See!?"
"Just not in the past few years since I got those few novice-level lessons."
"Wait, what!?"
"Thought so," Boss nodded sagely. "So, I take it that advice was complete and utter bullshit?"
"A steaming hot pile of it, yes," I nodded back.
"
WHAT!?" Usopp and Chopper squawked.
"Aaaand I'm guessing that 'elixir' of yours was nothing more than flavored water?" I shot back without missing a beat.
"Eh, in a manner of speaking…" Boss waved his fin side to side as he scooted over to the shell Luffy had abandoned and picked it up. "That was my flask of fermented seaweed juice. Though, heh." He chuckled as he scrunched an eye shut and gazed into it. "You'd probably understand better if I called it 'liquid courage'. I figured it couldn't hurt! But damn it!" He cursed as he shoved the shell back behind his back. "Looks like he drank it down to the last drop. I'll need to cook up a new batch for myself."
Usopp and Chopper's jaws were too slack for them to say much of anything.
"So, wait…" Mikey raised a flipper slowly. "You mean that there
isn't actually a Dugong Surfing Elixir?"
SLAP!
"OW!"
"Dumbass…" Raphey muttered as she shook her flipper out from dope-slapping him.
"So, you mean to tell us…" Usopp whimpered miserably. "That we don't have any chance
whatsoever!?"
"Not a one!" I chirped in agreement with faux enthusiasm as I strutted back to Sanji and Soundbite. "Get ready to fish the moron out when he takes a dive. Everyone else, prepare to carve a bloody swath as we fight for our lives!"
"And you're so cheerful because…?" Zoro called over to me curiously.
"Resignation!" I stated in a sunny tone of voice.
"Just checking."
"HEEEEEY!" Luffy's voice roared out from the lake, where he was… standing up on his board and waving his arms eagerly
goddamn it Luffy. "I'M READY! GET THE TURTLE TO MOVE!"
"Well, whether we like it or not, it's time to put up or shut up," Sanji sighed in defeat. "Hold on tight."
"
DOSEY DO, here we go!" Soundbite concurred.
And indeed, moments later we were shaken anew by the shogunate's mount jerking its titanic mass. Thankfully, pre-awareness of the event made the experience much more tolerable a second time around.
"Alright, there's the shift, now comes the swell…" I mused slowly, watching the surge of water approach Luffy. When he started to paddle through the water approaching the wave, I got the feeling that he must have watched Octavio start off. I sighed; that was honestly the only part of surfing that anyone could do if they had a decent sense of balance, and I knew that once he got towards the actual force of the wave—
I blinked in surprise as Luffy actually managed to stick the jump-up. "Huh… well, what do you know. I guess he's not completely hopeless after all."
Sanji nodded slowly in agreement as Luffy started to steer his board to the side, following the direction of the wave. "Yeah, he's… actually kind of not bad."
Soundbite whistled in surprise as our rubber-brained captain started swerving up and down. "
I'd even SAY THAT
he's good."
"Yeah, quite good…" I agreed as he began riding the wave.
"
Really good…" Sanji concurred as Luffy slowly began to hang four…six…eight…
A hush fell over not only us but the crowd in general as we watched Luffy surf towards us, grinning like a loon, hanging ten while he gave twin peace signs to everyone watching. And then…
"…Sanji?"
"Yeah, Cross?"
"Is our klutzy moron of a captain who's never surfed before actually managing to outsurf the, and I quote myself here,
shogun of freaking surfing!?"
"That… depends…" Sanji hedged as he fumbled for a new cigarette, on account of his old one having been nigh-instantly reduced to ash.
"On what?"
"Did said klutzy moron just manage to pull off six lateral flips in a row while hanging on with only his hand,
and with his arm stretched out at least twelve feet from said hand,
while managing to stick the landing?"
"
Actually… IT WAS seven. SEVEN FLIPS."
"Then, yes…" Sanji removed the remains of his spent cigarette and crushed it into the railing with an air of finality. "Yes, he is."
"…huh…Sanji?"
"Yeah, Cross?"
"Sanity is dead, isn't it?"
"Yes, Cross. Yes, it is."
-o-
"I'm inclined to agree with them," deadpanned a certain red-nosed pirate, who was looking at the Transponder Snail on his ship with the look of a man who didn't want to believe what he was hearing, but experience forced him to concede the truth. "A Devil Fruit user being a natural surfer, better than someone who was literally
born for the sport? That's just insane."
Everyone else onboard the ship was staring at the snail with either gobsmacked or equally flat expressions, unable to speak…with one exception.
"It
does sound ridiculous when you say it like that, doesn't it?" a jaw-droppingly attractive woman toting a massive spiked war club mused. "About as ridiculous as surviving an execution attempt thanks to a lightning bolt striking the tower."
"Indeed," the red-nose nodded in agreement.
"Or as ridiculous as how losing some freckles can make a world of difference in helping people perceive your natural beauty."
"Yes, that's… just as ridiculous."
"Or as ridiculous as a nearly no-name clown-themed pirate from the East Blue managing to survive two days in the Grand Line, much less two months."
"Okay, now that's just insa—
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME, WOMAN!?"
"
Okay, moving away from our existential crisis, Luffy's coming in to the shore and—wait a second…"
-o-
"Why the hell isn't he slowing down!?" I demanded incredulously.
"I think he's trying to imitate Octavio, but he's going even faster than the octopus was!" Sanji cursed furiously. "Damn it, Luffy was doing great before, but if he faceplants now, then we'll be screwed! We need to get him to slow down, or else—!"
"TOO LATE!" Soundbite squawked in panic.
And indeed, Luffy hit the edge of the lake at full speed and was sent
flying away from his board, both he and it spinning through the air.
Suddenly, Luffy's arms shot out and grabbed his board, jerking it back to him just as he stuck the landing.
The vast majority of the observers' jaws hit the deck, and the octopi made up for having no jaws
to drop with how much their eyes popped… well, that and the way the ground and water was suddenly stained with ink.
"Oh," I stated succinctly.
"My," Sanji continued.
"
God," Soundbite finished.
Right on top of Shogun Octavio's helmet, holding his board above his head in victory, was Luffy.
"WOOHOO!" he whooped, announcing his joy to the world. "THAT WAS FUN!"
Silence reigned supreme for what felt like an eternity…
Until Octavio snapped out a swift series of signs and jabbed his tentacles at Luffy.
Vivi needed no prompting to flip through the lexicon. "Uhhh… he just said… '
the winner'!?"
And then the air was filled with gurgly cheers and the applause of a thousand tentacles. A moment later, Boss managed to get past the absurdity of the situation and shoot a firm thumbs up at Luffy. "THAT'S MY CAPTAIN!"
"YEAH!" the TDWS shouted in agreement, mimicking the pose.
"GO, LUFFY!" Chopper, Usopp and Carue chorused.
"Hmm?" Lassoo hummed as he cracked his eye open, apparently coming out of a
nap of all things. "Oh, so we won. Well, that's nice." And with that, he went back to lala land.
"I am… conflicted…" Nami grimaced with a twitching eye.
"Would this help resolve your hesitation, by any chance?" Robin asked as she held up one of numerous bags of gold doubloons.
"O CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!" Nami wept euphorically.
"…welp!" I finally managed to speak up. "You heard it here first, folks! A moron. Managed to beat an octopus. At surfing. Through what I can only assume was sheer,
god-damn luck. Tune in next time for whatever other madness we manage to get ourselves into, and count on it being even more mind-screwing than this was. Hopefully much to the World Government's disappointment, this is still-alive Jeremiah Cross—"
"
AND SOUNDBITE!"
"—signing off! Thank you for listening, and have a wonderful day!"
And with that, I clicked the receiver back into position.
I then slammed my head into the Merry's railing.
"Wake me up when the world starts making sense again…"
"
So, NEVER?"
"Exactly…"
-o-
A few hours later found us well on our way again. Octavio had conceded that our captain was the better surfer, but pledged that one day, he would return to restore his honor. For now, however, he would remain true to his word and allow us to go on our way in peace.
We came away from the experience with a medal the shogun gave Luffy, which was hanging below deck by his hammock; several bags of doubloons that Nami had legitimately won, much to her delight; a few samples of octopus ink that Usopp used to replace the defective solution he'd used in Lassoo's chamber before; a tome describing the octopi's history that Robin was reading with a wide smile—though I imagine her enthusiasm was slightly limited by the revelation that the shogunate was a mere three centuries old—and a chestful of their finest saltwater taffy.
I reaffirmed my decision to coerce Foxy into helping us when we met him after Luffy downed the whole chest in a second. And I mean the
whole chest. Seriously, how the
hell…
As of that point, the ship was uncharacteristically silent as most of the crew was attempting to put the whole mess out of their minds. Perhaps the most notable of those was Vivi, who was only now recovering from her head injuries. Minor, I assure you, a goose egg at worst. How did she get those, you may ask? Weeell…
-o-
We waved back at Octavio as the island-turtle sank away beneath us, taking the kingdom's pagodas and the shogun's palace away with it.
"
Well, that was fun!" Luffy laughed eagerly.
"
It… was a bit touch and go at times, but I'll admit that it was certainly entertaining!" Vivi granted with a chipper smile. "Oh, do you want me to look up how to say goodbye to him?"
Nami, Zoro and I froze, exchanged flat looks, and then…
THWACK!
"Ow! Hey, what—?"
THWACK!
"Ow!
Alright, alright, I—!"
THUNK!
"OW! I SAID I GET IT, JACKASSES!"
SLAP!
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, BOSS!?"
"Juuust covering our bases."
-o-
And it was glaringly obvious afterwards that Vivi would rather never speak of the fiasco again.
"Well," Robin said, looking up from her book and breaking the silence, "it would seem that we've managed to return to some semblance of normality."
THUNK!
Everyone in the crew glanced up from what they were doing at the sudden sound, which had a distinct resemblance to a coconut falling on a wooden deck.
"Uh… what was that?" Usopp wondered.
"Fate punishing Robin for opening her mouth?" Vivi offered with a petulant pout.
Nami shrugged slightly when Robin cocked her eyebrow at the Princess. "She's not
wrong, you know."
"Still…"
I swear to God, if this were any later in the timeline, I'd have said that Robin
pouted.
"Hmm… one sec…" I glanced around curiously. I had a sneaking suspicion… Bingo! There it was! "Oooh, check it out!" I grinned like a madman as I held up the skull that had bounced onto the deck. "Look, I'm Hamlet! 'Alas, poor Yorick, how I knew thee!'"
"
I knew him, Horatio! A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy!" Soundbite added.
While the rest of the crew gaped at me and my impromptu prop in equal parts shock and horror, Robin slowly marked her place in the book, stood up from her lawn chair, and carefully approached me. "Mister Jeremiah, while I appreciate your taste in literature—"
"Eh…" I waved my hand in a so-so manner. "My tastes are actually more modern. I just know the highlights, is all."
"Nevertheless… where did that skull come from?" she asked slowly.
My grin grew even wider. "And now I'm Sherlock Holmes! 'When you eliminate the impossible, whatever is left, however improbable, must be the answer.'"
"ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON!" Soundbite shouted in agreement.
Robin glanced at Soundbite in confusion as she slowly processed my statement and tried to run through the possibilities, but obviously had a difficult time with reaching the appropriate conclusion. So, I decided to throw her a bone, and pointed up. She slowly followed the direction of my finger. And then the blood evacuated her face like it was on fire.
"…Miss Nefertari, I am now inclined to agree with you, and I will make every effort to be more considerate of what I say from now on if we survive this," she said in a
very deliberately calm voice.
Everyone, including myself, joined her in looking upwards, and while everyone
else adopted expressions of pure horror,
I allowed a massive grin to split my face.
"Willy Karen was right!" I giggled derangedly, very quickly losing the battle to keep my laughter contained. "Anything man can imagine
is a possibility in reality! PFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"
"CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!"
And then the sky
fell.
Xomniac AN: How do you like us now, @Andoriol?
Hornet AN: YES! IT'S ALL MINE! ALL MINE! VICTORY AT LAST! *ahem* Ours. I mean ours.