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This Bites! (One Piece SI)

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Not having autosave sucks :(
 
so, i got to thinking, we are (in this story) at the end of the alabasta arc which is chapter 217 (approximately) in the manga
and assuming cross entered into one piece a few chapters before the start of the loguetown arc (call it 93) then we have currently covered 124 chapters of the manga in 23 chapters. or approximately 5.4 manga chapters for every story chapter. assuming Xom keeps at that average then we will be at where the one piece dub (or where it will be in april) in 44 more chapters (chapter 67). and assuming Xom continues on the average then we will be at the current one piece manga chapter in 88 more chapters (chapter 111 approximately). Xom posted chapter 23 182 days after posting the first chapter, which is approximately 8 (im not actually counting the dates posted merely the average of the from start compared to the number of chapters) days per chapter. keeping on that average Xom should get to 44 more chapters in 530 days from the 19th of march (when the last chapter was posted), and 88 chapters in 878 days from the 19th of march.
 
Fluffy said:
so, i got to thinking, we are (in this story) at the end of the alabasta arc which is chapter 217 (approximately) in the manga
and assuming cross entered into one piece a few chapters before the start of the loguetown arc (call it 93) then we have currently covered 124 chapters of the manga in 23 chapters. or approximately 5.4 manga chapters for every story chapter. assuming Xom keeps at that average then we will be at where the one piece dub (or where it will be in april) in 44 more chapters (chapter 67). and assuming Xom continues on the average then we will be at the current one piece manga chapter in 88 more chapters (chapter 111 approximately). Xom posted chapter 23 182 days after posting the first chapter, which is approximately 8 (im not actually counting the dates posted merely the average of the from start compared to the number of chapters) days per chapter. keeping on that average Xom should get to 44 more chapters in 530 days from the 19th of march (when the last chapter was posted), and 88 chapters in 878 days from the 19th of march.
Click to expand...
Click to shrink...
So about less than 2 years at least, and 2 years + at most??

Pretty good progress for covering a manga that has lasted for more than 15 years.
 
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Chapter 24 - Ocean Trips
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    • Chapter 24​

    Xomniac AN: Primarily filler, but it's not like we can jump straight into Skypiea. Still, we hope you like it!

    Patient AN: The filler in question is black powder, for Mr. Chekhov's flintlock pistol. Or, to be more blatant, this is going to be all kinds of fun…

    Hornet AN: Well, fun for you guys. Not so much for Cross. Also, this was supposed to be smaller, dammit!

    The rational portion of my mind… had no part in my current thought process, which could be summed up as HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I'M ABOUT TO BE DISSECTED!

    I tried to thrash out of my restraints, only to catch sight of Chopper quivering slightly as he giggled madly, shaking his head as he wrenched the bonesaw out of the wood.

    "Ooooor at least that's what I WOULD say if I were actually ready to begin. There's still so much equipment to prepare, so many preliminary tests that must be made! We wouldn't want SCIENCE! to be hindered by a miscarriage of protocol…" His grin widened half past demented, taking on a predatory glint. "Would we?"

    Chopper turned his back before I could respond in any way, rummaging through a thick packet of notes, and, more importantly and three times as distressingly, mulling over his bundle of surgical tools.

    I craned my neck frantically for anything that could get me out of this deathtrap. I noticed a few scalpels embedded in the wood—one guess where that habit came from—distressingly close to my hand. That would have been a good thing if I could actually move a single fucking inch!… Wait a second.

    A few jiggles confirmed that, yes indeed, the strap on my right hand had just a little bit of give to it, and every other jiggle gave me a little more to work with. I subtly started to work my arm, reaching desperately for one of the surgical knives. I had no clue what the hell I was going to do with it, but better to have it in my fingers than Chopper's hooves, that was for damn sure!

    I just needed a little more… a little more… almost—!

    THWACK!

    "MMMRPH!" I shrieked in muffled terror, wrenching my hand as far away as I could manage from the syringe that had buried itself in the wood mere millimeters from my fingertips.

    "Now, now, Cross…"

    I snapped my gaze back to Chopper, who still had his back turned to me.

    "You really should stop squirming. All you're doing is needlessly increasing your heart rate, and that'll just make my work all the messier. And if my work is messy, then my SCIENCE! will be messy, too. And I don't want my SCIENCE! to be messy. So, you're going to lay still…"

    THWACK!

    All I could do was whimper pitifully as another syringe buried itself in the table, this one just above—or was it below?—the top of my head.

    "Or I'll get cross with you. And trust me…" Chopper turned his head slightly, the lenses of the goggles he was wearing glinting maniacally. "YOU DON'T WANT THAT."

    Ooooh, yeah, Chopper had learned a lot more from Kureha than just medicine.

    Well, I was completely and utterly screwed. About to be cut open in the middle of the night by one of my best friends, intimately learning the meaning of the words 'I have a gagged mouth and I must scream'—!… Wait a minute…

    I started scanning the room again as a thought struck me. Soundbite should have been able to hear me, even if I was gagged, not to mention Chopper's own insane ramblings. Why the hell wasn't he—?

    I suddenly met a pair of terror-filled eyestalks in a corner of the room as I got the answer to my question. There was Soundbite, far out of the way and out of my reach, clearly fighting to dislodge the bar of metal that Chopper had doubtlessly shoved as deep between his teeth as he could manage. On the plus side, Chopper had neither spoken with Kureha nor made the logical leap to using salt as a gag, so at least there wasn't any danger in that way… but on the other hand, as impressive as Soundbite's jaws might have been, he still had some limits.

    That meant that Soundbite couldn't call for help, which meant that no one would know what was about to happen, and that meant…

    "Okay! Now I'm really ready! Let's begin!"

    That I really was screwed. Shit.

    The Zoan-user took his sweet time walking over to me, looking me up and down the way that Luffy would eye a particularly tasty steak as he spun a scalpel in one hoof and a marker in the other.

    "Alright, first off, allow me to begin by outlining what I have planned for tonight!"

    In one swift jerk, Chopper slashed his scalpel along my body, cutting my shirt right down the middle and leaving the halves apart, exposing my torso.

    … Terrifying though the experience was, I still managed to look on the bright side: provided I managed to survive this ordeal, I'd come out with a decent enough vest!

    The chances of that dimmed considerably as Chopper started using the marker he was holding to draw a Y-shape on my body that several crime shows had made me intimately familiar with.

    "For starters, I'll be investigating the physiological differences within your chest cavity!" Chopper explained cheerily. "Just some trivial things, really. The limits of your muscular and skeletal systems, the layout of your organs, pain tolerance… you know, the basics! After that…"

    I crossed my eyes fearfully as he pulled my bangs back and started drawing on my forehead.

    "We'll move on to the main event: your brain!" Chopper was practically drooling at this point, his grin a rictus of insanity. "Yeeeessss, your valuable, valuable brain and all the miraculous discoveries that can be made within! Imagine all the discoveries that can be made from the brain of someone who came from an entirely different world! Oh, comparisons to our own neural pathways, anomalous genetic divergences, unique neurochemical makeups, ohhhh, the possibilities are ENDLESS! EHEEHEEHEE, I CAN'T WAIT!" Chopper zipped around to my side as he cackled madly, his scalpel glinting in the scarce lamplight as he held it aloft. "NO MORE WAITING! IT'S TIME TO BEGIN!"

    I didn't dare move as Chopper slowly started to lower the implement towards me. Damn damn damn damn I was screwed! Unless some kind of miracle occurred soon, I'd be little more than so many spare pa—! … Oh, son of a—!

    "GRGHSTRO-MMPHT, GRGHSTRO-MMPHT!" I howled around my gag just as the scalpel touched my chest.

    Soundbite's eyes widened, and he took a second to bash his eyestalks together in exasperation before he concentrated intently and the piece of metal in his mouth shattered to pieces, alongside the crate he'd been perched on. He was forced to snap into his shell before he hit the ground, but the next second he filled the air with a furious klaxon that jolted Chopper to a stop.

    "S.O.S., S.O.S.! MAYDAY, MAYDAY! WE NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST, STAT! HEEEEEELP!" he wailed desperately.

    Chopper snapped his attention to Soundbite with a scowl. "QUIET, VERMIN! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THERE IS SCIENCE! AFOOT!?" He swung his hoof back viciously. "IF YOU WON'T HOLD YOUR TONGUE, THEN ALLOW ME TO HOLD IT FOR YOU!"

    Thankfully, before Chopper could let loose with the scalpel, the door to the dining room burst open, allowing the majority of the crew, sans our heaviest sleepers (Read, Luffy and Zoro), to burst in.

    "Cross, what's wro—?" Sanji started to ask before taking in the scene before him with abject shock. "What the hell is going on here!?"

    Chopper spun around with a snarl, his body shaking with murderous rage. "MORE INSECTS DARE TO IMPEDE THE PROGRESS OF SCIENCE!? SO BE IT!" He abruptly metamorphosed into his far larger Muscle Point, brandishing several scalpels between his fingers menacingly. "COME ON! I'LL VIVISECT YOU ALL, ONE BY—!"

    Before Chopper could finish that sentence, a small, thin blur lashed out at the now-mad doctor, wrapping around his wrists before he could react.

    "What the—!?"

    The other end of the blur continued its journey around Chopper, spinning around and around and wrapping him up before snapping taut. Once the blur came to a stop, it was revealed to be none other than Boss, holding Chopper in place by means of what appeared to be an overly long piece of woven seaweed.

    "Would somebody kindly help me with this nutjob?!" the dugong huffed heavily. "I might be a badass, but damn, he's big!"

    "Fool!" Chopper barked, flexing his arms slightly. "Do you really think mere rope is enough to hold me?! It would be child's play to slip out! Observe!"

    Just as Sanji swung his leg up to kick the mad doctor, Chopper reverted back to his Brain Point, causing the ropes to collapse around him.

    "HA!" the human-reindeer crowed, his hooves thrust in the air victoriously. "Your feeble strategies are no match for my superior—!"

    "Oh, will you shut up!?" Boss growled before yanking on the seaweed rope, causing it to snap taut around the Zoan's ankles.

    "WHAT THE—!?"

    "FORE!" Boss roared, twisting on his tail and spinning Chopper around like an olympic weight. Chopper barely made a revolution around the room…

    "NEZ!"

    Before Sanji lashed out a furious kick to the Zoan's face, cancelling his momentum with a fantastic slam! I took a particularly sadistic pleasure in watching Chopper come away much worse for the wear from the ordeal, his eyes rolled up in his head and a considerable amount of foam coming from his mouth.

    "Well, that was new…" Sanji sighed wearily as he scratched his skull before glancing up at Boss. "Hey, good work with the ropes, though I don't think I've ever seen them used as a weapon like that."

    "Actually, it's a ropedart, not just any old regular rope," the dugong replied, preening slightly and holding up the metal/coral dart at the end. "You need a good counterweight to get it to actually perform those kinds of maneuvers. Also handy for just smacking people with. And if we're complimenting each other's fighting skills, I gotta say, that was a damn impressive kick. I'd be hard-pressed to pull off anything as powerful, and not just due to my species' lack of mobility, let me tell you that!"

    "Hey, don't sell yourself short there! I saw you moving, that was impressive! Tell you what, talk with me later and we'll see if I can teach you any techniques applicable to your physique! I'm sure that if we get you training right, your lower body can be as powerful a weapon as any! Sound good?"

    "Well, I'd be mighty obliged! And say, while we're on the subject of cross-training—!"

    "Mmmph-gah, thank you," I nodded as a hand appeared to work the gag out of my mouth. "As I was saying, I hate to interrupt you two getting along so well, and honestly I'd love to contribute to the strengthening of the members of our crew, I really would, but as it so happens, I'm a bit tied up at the moment, so if you'd be so kind as to shut up and GET ME OUT OF HERE!?"

    "PREACH IT, brotha!"

    Thankfully, that prompted to Nami run up to me. "Cross, are you alright?"

    I gave her as deadpan a look as I could manage while upside down. "I'm tied down to a table and one of my crewmates just tried to dissect me like a frog. Would you like to reconsider your question, or would you rather leave your foot where it is?"

    Nami huffed. "How about I just untie you while you explain how in the world Chopper went from cute and cuddly to wanting to cut you open?"

    I opened my mouth to snark back, and shut it with a click as I remembered that relations with her were still somewhat strained, and that I didn't need to be untied to use my brain. "I'd be most grateful if you were to release me, yes," I politely requested.

    "Allow me," a faux-warm voice purred, a flurry of petals heralding my release.

    Any comfort I could have taken from my release was soured by Nami's own newly darkened expression. "Thanks a lot…" I grumbled as I sat up, massaging some life into my tingly wrists and ankles before turning my attention to Soundbite. "How you feeling, little guy?"

    "Besides the fact that YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED BECAUSE I FORGOT about my powers, and I WAS PROBABLY next?" Soundbite snapped as one of the dugongs dug him out of the pile of splinters that had been his perch. "FUCKING PEACHY!"

    "Which means that you're alive. Good." I nodded as I took the little gastropod back and put him on my shoulder. "Now then, moving on… would anyone care to tell me what the hell just happened!?"

    "You mean you don't know, Cross?" Usopp asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

    "I was strapped to a table with a psychotic reindeer about to carve me up like a spring turkey!" I snapped, spreading my arms helplessly. "Does it look like I have any idea about all of this!?"

    "Perhaps the pressure of the past few days was too much for Mister Doctor and he finally snapped?" Robin suggested innocently.

    I sent a pointed glare at the quasi-ex-assassin. "Thank you, Miss Assassin; sure, Chopper managed to live under high-stress conditions for several years without too much psychological damage, but we'll take that into consideration nonetheless." I looked away from Robin as her grin widened in amusement. "Does anyone else have any ideas?"

    There was a moment of silence as everyone thought things over before Vivi raised a finger. "Cross, I could be off on this, but wouldn't you be the best person to talk to about anyone on this ship acting…" She cast a look at Robin before continuing. "Different from how they 'normally' would be?"

    I blinked as I processed the statement before frowning thoughtfully. In the end, she was right. My presence had caused ripples, meaning that any changes were more often than not my fault. And seeing how Chopper didn't go crazy like this in canon, that meant that this somehow linked back to me. All I had to do was think about when I could have changed things to make Chopper act… differently… oooooh.

    "Hang on a second…" I walked over to Chopper's abandoned pack and picked up the notes he'd been leafing through. He'd been filling the binder almost religiously while we were in Alabasta, so I could only assume that whatever it was he'd been working on was recorded in here. And assuming that whatever he'd been working on was what had driven him out of his mind…

    Sadly, the search was easier hypothesized than done. It was quite jarring, really; intellectually, I knew that Chopper was an egghead of almost extreme proportions, but to see it laid out so plainly before me was something else entirely. The notebook was an absolute mess of incomprehensible words, indecipherable equations and formulas both chemical and mathematical in nature, and unintelligible diagrams, with pictures of what appeared to be brains showing up at a disturbing number of intervals.

    I started to lose hope as I neared the end of the doctor's notes, approaching a border I'd identified where the notes suddenly descended into raving lunacy...

    "C'mon, c'mon, c—hell-oooo…"

    When I finally hit paydirt, or something I really hoped was it.

    "What is it?" Usopp asked eagerly.

    "Look at this," I pointed out the passage I'd noted and started to trace it with my finger. "'Hypothetical possibility: Blunt force trauma to occipital lobe could initiate override of primary psychological configuration.'"

    I really should have expected the blank expressions that almost everyone else in the room gave me.

    I rolled my eyes with a sigh as I held an expectant hand out. "That means that I think I can fix him if someone were to hand me a rolling pin."

    A disembodied hand promptly obliged.

    "Thank you," I nodded gratefully, testing out my newly acquired instrument. It looked like it could do the job. Good heft, even weight…

    Chopper suddenly starting to groan and shift on the floor robbed me of any other choices.

    "Say 'megalomania!'" I requested as I reeled my arm back.

    "Wha—?" Chopper started to ask groggily…

    THWACK!

    "YEOWCH!" Before jolting forwards in agony as I cracked him upside his skull. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT…for? What the…?" His roar of anger trailed off into confusion as he realized the exact situation he was in. Thankfully, his voice seemed to have lost the demented tone it had taken on before.

    Chopper shifted around for a moment as he regained his bearings before glancing up at everyone uneasily. "Um… three questions. Why am I tied up, why did you hit me, and why exactly am I wearing my chemical goggles?"

    "To answer your last question," Robin answered politely. "I imagine that you donned your goggles to avoid any splashback from entering your eyes mid-operation."

    There was a tense silence before Chopper spoke again. "'Operation'?" he repeated nervously.

    "AHEM," Soundbite cleared his throat, causing Chopper to turn around… and stare at the markings clearly present on my chest.

    "Good morning to you too, Chopper," I greeted him dryly as I held my bangs up.

    The doctor was uncomfortably quiet for the longest time before he hung his head with a groan. "I… have a lot of explaining to do, don't I?"

    "Understatement…" one of the dugongs started to singsong before another slapped him upside his head.

    "Let's start with these," I said, holding up the stack of notes. "You said that you'd tell us what you were researching when you had something concrete, and unless I miss my guess I'd say that you delivered with gusto just now. Am I wrong?"

    Chopper squirmed nervously as he refused to meet my gaze. "No, you're… you're really not." He fell silent for a moment as he thought things over before shaking his head in defeat. "Alright, I guess I'll start at the beginning: Yuba."

    "Yuba!?" Vivi repeated in shock. "What happened in Yuba that could have caused all of this!?"

    I, however, understood what Chopper was saying perfectly, and I indicated as much by slapping a hand over my eyes with a groan. "You're talking about biofeedback, aren't you?"

    "Yeah…" Chopper nodded solemnly. Noticing the confused looks everyone else was sporting, he explained. "I asked Cross for advice on how to properly exploit my Devil Fruit powers to their fullest despite me being a Zoan, and he suggested that I look into a concept known as biofeedback."

    "Oh, boy, here comes the egghead stuff," Raphey groaned.

    "You wanna go back to sleep? Because I kinda want to go back to sleep."

    "Agreed."

    "CRAM IT, YOU THREE!" Boss yelled, forcing the Dugongs to snap to attention.

    "Yeah, some of us are trying to listen!" Donny concurred.

    "To clarify, biofeedback is the rumored ability to control every inch of your body, making you able to do things like, say, move your hair as easily as your arms, or kick your own adrenaline into overdrive on a whim," I contributed, and the other three Dugongs suddenly seemed much more interested.

    "Exactly, and I saw what you were getting at, too," Chopper nodded at me. "If I could combine biofeedback with the Human-Human Fruit's transformative properties, then I could quite possibly cut out the necessity of using my Rumble Balls. I could achieve all seven of my Points on my own, and that would be amazing. But…" He bowed his head. "It also got me thinking about something else. When you talked with us about Devil Fruits and you mentioned the Blind-Blind Fruit, you talked about how there are no boundaries on Fruits and how they often go beyond the obvious in their usages, you remember that?"

    "Yeah…?" I nodded slowly in agreement.

    "Well, I realized something when I thought about it: I'd forgotten the most obvious thing that the Human-Human Fruit gave me, the absolute core of my powers. Something that had been staring me in the face my entire life from the second I ate it in the first place!"

    Silence fell as we all tried to figure out what he could be talking about…

    Until Sanji ashed his cigarette in one shocked breath. "You're talking about your intelligence…" he summarized numbly.

    "Exa—! Ah…" Chopper jerked as he tried to point at the cook, only to have the gesture halted by the ropes. "E-exactly. The transformative properties of my powers are only secondary when compared to the real difference my powers made, a difference that encompassed the meaning of the word 'human': my intelligence."

    Dimly, I could feel a headache starting to form in the back of my head. "Why do I have a bad feeling that I know where this is going…" I groaned to myself.

    "So, wait," Usopp interjected. "That research you were doing in Alubarna—?"

    "I was studying all the literature they had on the brain and how it functions," Chopper nodded in agreement. "I thought that if the Human-Human Fruit could give me this much intelligence now and if I could manipulate it with chemicals already, maybe I could use more chemicals so that I could make myself even smarter! You know, exploit my fruit's powers even further like Cross suggested! So, I spent all my time researching trying to find what I'd need, and I found just what I was looking for before I went to sleep—!"

    "But as your IQ skyrocketed higher and higher, your sense of morality and your higher logic functions took a nosedive, yeah yeah, I've heard it all before…" I groaned as I massaged my now actively-throbbing temples. "So, let me get this straight… YOU MEAN THAT YOU—wait, has anyone here ever heard of a man named Robert Louis Stevenson?"

    "I have," Vivi promptly replied, raising her hand. "His works were quite good."

    "I've always been more a fan of Lovecraft and Shelley myself," Robin noted conversationally.

    "Oh, good, that means that my analogy works." I nodded before returning to chastising Chopper. "YOU MEAN THAT YOU JEKYLL AND HYDE'D YOURSELF!? ARE YOU INSANE!?"

    "Ah… not quite? After all, Hyde was explicitly less intelligent than Dr. Jekyll and was merely all of his darkness and vices unleashed, whereas I, ah… that is to say…" Chopper wilted uncomfortably before the combined glare the crew was giving him. "…kinda?"

    Usopp sighed heavily as he shook his head. "Well, this has been one big fiasco. Still, after all of this, now you know better! So, all we have to do is get rid of the formula you used and then we can forget that this all ever happened, right?"

    Chopper pointedly refused to meet any of our gazes as he squirmed uncomfortably. "Er…"

    Soundbite facepalmed, inasmuch as he could with his eyestalks. "Of course not…"

    "What is it?" Nami asked with mounting dread.

    "Weeeell…" Chopper dragged out in a tone of voice that said he'd be poking his hooves together if he could. "The concoction I drank wasn't so much a temporary transformative serum like my Rumble Balls are… so much as it contained an enzyme I artificially manufactured that essentially turned a key in my brain?"

    "What are you trying to say, doc?" Boss asked warily.

    "It means that I can essentially still feel where all of that extra intelligence is in my mind…" Chopper trailed off slightly before hanging his head. "And it's not going away. Ever."

    "Let me get this straight…" Nami groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You're liable to turn into a mad scientist at the drop of a hat, forever, and we have no idea what triggers the change? Is that what you're saying?!"

    "Nononono, not at all, not at all!" Chopper shook his head in frantic denial. "I already told you, I can feel where the intelligence is! It's a permeable border in my brain, so long as I keep my head on straight then it can't affect me! If I delve into it, then I stay sane for a period of time…" He glanced at me uncomfortably. "Until my newfound intelligence overwhelms me and I become liable to act on my… less than logical impulses…"

    "At which point we can bring you back to the world of the sane with a little bit of 'manual override', is that right?" I clarified, tapping the rolling pin I was holding in my palm.

    Chopper nodded, and Nami sighed in relief. "OK, then you can just keep from doing it again, right? I mean, sure, the effects are impressive, but you came close to killing Cross… and despite recent developments, I don't think any of us seriously want him dead, right?"

    Most everyone gave sounds of assent… though Vivi and Robin's silence was a bit telling.

    "B-but—!" Chopper tried to protest.

    "Chopper," I cut in, my voice rife with concern. "I'm not even mad about the dissection thing, because that wasn't entirely your fault. I'm more concerned about you. I mean, you almost did something that you would have regretted forever! What could possibly make that worth it?"

    "Um…" Chopper tilted his head thoughtfully for a moment before perking up intently. "I didn't get a lot done before I… 'nosedived', so to speak, but… Look at the back of my notes, page 237. You see that formula in the middle of the page?"

    "Um…" I followed his directions and found a long, unintelligible equation waiting for me. "Yeah, I do. What is it?"

    "The new recipe I developed that I'll be using for my Rumble Balls from now on," he stated proudly.

    I gave the human-reindeer a dubious look. "Chopper, while I'm sure a few extra seconds might be useful—!"

    "Effectiveness is five minutes and cooldown is three hours."

    I promptly slammed the notebook shut with an enthusiastic grin. "WELP! If I were you, doc, I'd see about installing a metal plate in my skull, because you are going to be undergoing a lot of blunt force trauma in the days to come!"

    "Hooray!… I think…"

    "…Well, that settles it. Pay up, Sanji," Usopp said.

    I glanced back to see Sanji, a grimace on his face and his new cigarette half-gone already, hand the sniper a thousand Beri note. "Yeah, yeah, you win: Cross is actively trying to get himself killed."

    "OI!" I barked indignantly.

    "Are you really going to try and deny it!?" Usopp snorted.

    I opened my mouth to respond… and reconsidered my answer midway as I held my hand out. "No, I was just going to ask for fifty percent of any proceedings done in my name."

    "COPYRIGHT, BITCHES!" Soundbite cackled.

    Usopp and Sanji exchanged looks, then the former looked at me.

    "Ten percent."

    "Forty-five percent."

    "Fifteen percent."

    "Thirty-five percent."

    "…Thirty percent."

    "Done," I said, grinning as three hundred Beri bills were slapped into my palm.

    "Well, even with that out of the way, I don't think any of us are going to get back to sleep after this…" Vivi tapped her chin thoughtfully before snapping her fingers. "Well, seeing how Luffy didn't wake up… Sanji, how about making us some midnight snacks while we don't have to deal with him stealing off our plates?"

    "Hmm. That actually sounds pretty good," Nami remarked.

    "Right away, my lovelies~!"

    And that was the end of that; while Boss and Usopp untied Chopper and the other dugongs set about clearing the table, the resident love cook spun into the kitchen and two of the three—four! No telling if dugongs are psychic—four females on the ship sat down.

    Meanwhile, I took the opportunity the commotion presented to me to pull Robin outside, away from potential eavesdroppers as I chose to voice some… sensitive thoughts that had occurred to me and that I was less than willing to share with everyone else.

    "Would you care to explain how you, of all people, didn't see Chopper come into the kitchen earlier?" I asked, frowning at her accusingly.

    "Who's to say I didn't?" Robin replied with a serene smile.

    I froze as I processed the implications, and promptly glowered at her. "Alright, then… would you care to explain why the hell you thought I deserved that? I don't like playing the debt card, but in case you forgot, you'd still be stranded on Alabasta if I hadn't kept my and his traps shut!" I jabbed my finger at a growling Soundbite. "I was trying to be nice to you, what did I—?"

    "Do you really think I've forgotten?" Robin asked, much more quietly and much less serenely. "When we met in Whiskey Peak, you promised we'd meet again, and you'd pay me back for what I did to you then. I honestly thought nothing of the threat… until I discovered that you knew I had snuck onboard your ship the moment you arrived. I expected you to order me off, but as you have done nothing to stop me from joining your crew, I'm left to wonder what you have planned for your revenge."

    I stared at her blankly for several seconds, pondering how to reply. I settled for slapping a hand to my face with a weary groan. "…I'm not going to take revenge, Nico Robin."

    Soundbite let out an indignant squawk, and Robin raised a brow.

    "Or at least…" I clarified. "I'm not going to take revenge today. Maybe not even tomorrow. You see—"

    "I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do with you," Soundbite cut in with a deep masculine voice, smirking widely. "I don't know, it might come to me, pff, in the middle of the night… or maybe next week or, a few years from now. In the meantime…why don't you worry about it?"

    I chuckled at Soundbite's antics before promptly sobering up. "But seriously: I didn't plan and still don't plan on killing you. Embarrassing you? Sure. Humiliating you? Absolutely. But to kill a crewmate is the highest sin on any ship… and unless the captain says otherwise, you're part of this crew. Got it?" I finished, my expression deadly serious. Robin's expression was unreadable, but she nodded before turning back towards the dining room. I watched her for a moment before glancing at Soundbite and giving him a nod.

    "Be afraid, Robin."

    She froze, allowing me to breeze past her, staring at her with the sort serene smile she was used to giving.

    "Be very afraid," I finished, Soundbite putting Uncle Phil's voice directly in my mouth, along with the following maniacal laugh.

    "…I believe I'll go back to taking the watch now," she said in a voice of forced calm. She moved into the dining room long enough to ask Sanji to bring her plate to her when it was done before climbing back up to the crow's nest.

    With that done, I walked back into the dining room, both Soundbite and me grinning like loons.

    Those grins proceeded to die as I saw Vivi pointedly looking away from me as I entered, her face still set in a frown. I sat down some distance away from her, though I kept trying to catch her sight before, during, and after the meal. But she focused on anything but me, and the rest of the crew offered no help.

    "It's going to be a long week, isn't it?" I muttered.

    "Ah, dun' worry,—gulp!—Cross!" Luffy patted me on the back consolingly as he swallowed the mouthful of food he'd been chewing. "She came around after Yuba, she'll come around after this! Maybe after she eats? I know I get grumpy when I'm hungry!"

    I nodded… before grabbing the back of his head and slamming it into the table. "QUIT EATING US OUT OF SHIP AND HOME, YOU GLUTTON!" I roared at the top of my lungs.

    -o-​

    On a certain island in the most dangerous half of the most dangerous half of the most dangerous sea in the world (so basically the most dangerous quarter, really), one of the most dangerous pirate crews ever to sail lounged about, identical grimaces on all of their faces, as if they were waiting for something to happen. Nobody moved. Nobody made a sound. And then…

    "Don don don don!" intoned their Transponder Snail, eliciting a chorus of pained moaning from the migraine-nursing men.

    "Who the hell's calling at this hour? Don't they know what the cooldown period for hangovers is?" growled Red-Haired Shanks, who nobody would guess from his current appearance was one of the Four Emperors unless they knew him personally… and even then, those members of that scarce cadre of individuals had their doubts.

    "Don don don don!" the snail boomed again, eliciting groans from everyone again.

    "Wait a sec, isn't that the broadcast from yesterday? Luffy's crew?" Benn Beckmann said, struggling to his feet.

    "Hey, it is! Somebody answer it, I'll want something to listen to while I eat me some sea king meat!" Lucky Roux laughed as he walked towards the beach, dragging a yet-dead-to-the-world rookie behind him as the snail rung once more.

    "And where do you think you're going?" Beckmann drawled, one eyebrow cocked.

    "To catch said sea king, of course!"

    "And you're taking our newest recruit with you because…?"

    "Well, I'm not going to catch my first breakfast without bait, am I?" Roux explained in an 'are-you-an-idiot?' tone of voice.

    "…Of course, what on earth was I thinking."

    And that was how the newest crewmate of the Red-Haired Pirates set the new record for fastest recovery from a hangover… for all the good it did against Roux's iron grip.

    Giving the deceptively strong glutton no more thought, one of the other crewmates finally picked up the snail's speaker, mid-don, and the rest of the pirates slowly gathered around.

    "How much longer, Cross?" came a voice on the other end.

    "Just a few more rings, I want as many people listening as possible," came the more familiar voice of Jeremiah Cross.

    "Well, alright. But soon, 'kay? I'm really excited!"

    "Hey, Yasopp, this guy sounds a lot like you!" Shanks laughed at his sniper. "Think that son of yours decided to follow you out to sea?"

    "Ha! As if! The grog must have gone straight to your head, captain!" Yasopp scoffed as he waved his captain's hungover ramblings off. "And besides, my son is seventeen now! No way he'd set out that—!"

    "Luffy is seventeen," Benn deadpanned.

    Yasopp hesitated slightly at that before shrugging. "Yeah, but still, the chances of him having gone by Syrup Village are a hundred to one, it can't be him." Nevertheless, the sniper dug up a half-full bottle from the sand and took a swig to calm his nerves.

    "Alright, that's enough, if anyone wants to join in they'll have to do it midway through! For now—!"

    "IT'S TIME to start THE SBS!"

    "… That's going to be a thing now, isn't it?"

    "EEYUP!"

    The Red-Haired Pirates roared with laughter as Cross grumbled mutinously.

    "Never thought I'd say this about a snail, but I like his attitude!" Shanks cackled, earning him a momentary glare from their own Snail before it reassumed its pouty expression.

    "… Even across dimensions… I feel your pain, Goda-sensei, I really do… bah, whatever. Aaaanyways, let's get to it. For now, we'll be cold-starting this broadcast with a general interview and talking some shop with our ship's sniper and all-around tinkerer. Please give a warm welcome to him, all the way from… yeah, better not name his home, huh? Well, all the way from the East Blue, at least, Usopp!"

    "PFFFT!"

    The Red-Haired Pirates fell into shocked silence as their resident sniper sprayed the alcohol he'd been chugging over the beach. At least, until both he and the captain leapt at each other simultaneously and fell into a brawl.

    "OUCH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ATTACKING ME FOR, YASOPP!? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY THAT YOUR SON'S A PIRATE!"

    "I AM HAPPY HE'S A PIRATE, I COULDN'T BE PROUDER! MY FATHERLY INSTINCTS, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE PISSED THAT YOUR PROTÉGÉ DRAGGED HIM AWAY FROM OUR QUIET VILLAGE INTO THIS CRAZY LIFE!"

    "IT'S NOT THAT BAD!"

    "I got my breakfast!" Lucky Roux crowed as he walked back to the crew, dragging a ten-ton behemoth behind him with one hand and a comatose crewmate with the other. "And the rookie's still alive! So that's also nice!"

    "YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, SHANKS! ALSO, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ATTACKING ME!?"

    "YOU WASTED GOOD BOOZE, YOU BASTARD!"

    SLAM! SLAM!

    "SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!" Benn roared, unknowingly doing an orange-headed navigator and a retired first mate proud with the size of the dual goose eggs he lumped on his captain and crewmate. "WE CAN'T HEAR A THING OVER YOUR BRAWLING!"

    "Now, before we start, chances are that either Usopp's father or someone who knows him is listening to this broadcast. That being the case, Usopp has a few words for him personally before we get into the swing of things. Usopp?"

    Dead silence fell on both ends for a few seconds before Usopp's voice came through.

    "Dad… I've looked up to you from the day you left home. Mom died when I was 7, but I never blamed you for following your heart out to the sea. From the first time I saw the sea, I felt the same way… I always wanted to follow in your footsteps. So, when Luffy came along and told me how you always went on and on about me… it made me happy, and even more determined to follow in your footsteps—oh, and before I forget, a message to any Marines that are listening in: Kuro of the Thousand Plans faked his death three years ago. My captain beat him when he challenged him, but didn't kill him. I don't know what Kuro's up to now, but he's still alive. Alright…anyway, Dad, here I am, the sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates. My captain plans to fulfill the promise he made to your captain… and when we finally meet again, it'll be as two equal Brave Warriors of the Sea."

    Yasopp rubbed at one of his eyes, and Shanks grinned as he clapped him on the back.

    The mood was promptly broken by a resounding cry of "DADDY'S BOY!"

    The line was then overwhelmed by the sound of scuffling and brawling. "I'm going to turn you inside out and use your shell as a trophy! You hear me, you slimy little jackass!? A TROPHY!"

    "JUST try it DADDY'S BOY! HOOHOOHOOheeheeheeHAHAHA!"

    "GET—OUCH!—GET OFF OF ME USO—YEOWCH!—AND LEAVE MY SNAIL ALONE!"

    And the Red-Haired Pirates could barely hear anything else over their renewed laughter.

    -o-​

    Lassoo whined pitifully as he shrunk in on himself, putting on the biggest pair of puppy dog eyes he could muster up. "Do we reaaally have to do this? I-I mean, I think that my cold's passed, really!"

    "Weeell, we don't have to…" I looked up faux-contemplatively before giving the canine-weapon a flat look. "As long as you're willing to walk everywhere, and maybe take some lessons from Zoro and Sanji to be sure you can run fast enough to keep up with us."

    The spark of hope in his eyes died, and he went back to whining.

    "Besides, you were all gung-ho about getting rid of the cold yesterday!" I pressed firmly.

    Lassoo's hackles cocked up an inch as he glared at Chopper and Usopp, snapping at them and causing them to flinch back. "Yesterday you only said that the long-nosed liar would have to dig through me! Now you want the newly-mad doctor to rummage through my insides too!? He's not even good with mechanics!"

    "But he is without a doubt one of the foremost experts on Zoan-type Devil Fruits in this hemisphere, and while he might not have any experience with Devil Fruit-imbued objects, he's a fast study," I explained. Again. "So, either you let him help you, or you're not going to have anyone around to help your mangy ass should anything translate wrong to your biological side."

    "What's it gonna be, MUTT?" Soundbite demanded.

    Lassoo ground his fangs for a moment as he mulled things over before chuffing and glaring darkly at Usopp. "If I don't wake up, I swear that I'm going to haunt you to the end of your days…"

    With that parting statement, the weapon's body promptly distorted, his fur and flesh melting into polished metal, his circular barrel prevented from toppling over by his prominent shoulder-mounts.

    Usopp stared blankly at the cannon for a moment before giving me a searching look. "Are you sure you don't want me to 'fix' him while I'm at it?" he asked in a voice that plainly stated he was only barely joking. "Who knows, it might improve his attitude."

    I won't lie, I did consider it for a brief moment before shaking my head. "Just a tune-up and a weight trim, Usopp, nothing more. And fair warning, he can hear you while he's like this."

    "Why do you think I said it…" Usopp muttered under his breath as he knelt over the weapon. "Alright, you said he had a manual?"

    "Yeah, Miss Merry Christmas said that she stashed it in a compartment on him," I answered as I gave Lassoo's weapon-form a look-over. He was a lot like a typical pirate ship cannon, only combined with a portable rocket launcher. His bore was almost half the size of half a soccer ball, and the bulge in his barrel where his ammo was to be loaded was about the size of a beach ball. Overall, it was easy to see why Mr. 4 had been his user: chances were that the list of people capable of lifting him with ease without the use of Haki was as long as Zoro's directions were comprehensible. "If I had to guess, I'd say that it's probably hidden, so—!"

    "Found it."

    "Eh?" I blinked in surprise.

    Usopp held up a pamphlet of papers an inch or two thick. "Hidden in the inner lining of his breech. Ingenious, really. It'd almost be risky if the materials that he was made of weren't sturdy enough. Now, let's see here…" He started flicking through the manual, his eyes scanning over the mechanical diagrams that covered the pages. "Hmm, looks like this only talks about how the gun itself works…"

    "That's probably all that we'll need, though," Chopper noted. "After all, Lassoo's base form is a gun. I agree with Cross's assumption that any issues with him could be translating from mechanical to biological. I've already given him a look while he was fully canine and I didn't find anything, so whatever's causing his sneezing must be from a mechanical deficiency."

    "Try looking for something around his base," I suggested. "Could be that something's wrong with his firing pin or—"

    "Got it."

    I felt a vein bulge on my forehead. "Alright, now you're starting to tick me off."

    Usopp ignored me in favor of showing off the complicated diagram he'd found. "It's his trigger mechanism, see? There's a design flaw in it; he can still fire fine, no problem, but it's also feather-sensitive. One wrong shake or movement—!"

    "BOO—!"

    BOOM!

    Soundbite was cut off when we all jumped in shock as a stray wave suddenly hit the Merry, causing Lassoo to spontaneously discharge a baseball off the port bow.

    We stared after the plume of water the wayward projectile had left before Usopp finally got his mouth working again. "Yeah, that… and I'm guessing that the sensitivity transferred over… maybe to his sinuses?"

    Lassoo took this opportunity to shift into his canine-form, snorting and rubbing a paw over his snout. "Sorry about that…" he grumbled before looking up curiously. "But do you think you can fix it?"

    "Hmm…" Usopp pondered, poring over the manual again. "The real question here is why they used this kind of mechanism in the first place. It's obviously inefficient, so why—waaaiiit…" Usopp flipped a few pages in the manual before tapping something he found and grinning victoriously. "Just as I thought! The trigger mechanism is so complicated because it was the only one they could come up with capable of launching and activating ammunition as unusual as the mutt's baseballs!"

    He blinked as he thought that statement over before scratching his chin contemplatively. "Actually, I was wondering about that. How many baseball bombs do you have? I mean, you never seem to run out, you fired dozens of them while you were fighting us, and I never saw 4 or Christmas carrying any ammo belts—"

    "I think I can explain that," Chopper offered thoughtfully. "Like the way the sensitivity of the trigger translates to the sensitivity of his sinuses, I hypothesize that Lassoo is capable of generating baseballs within his abdomen the same way the body produces stomach acid or bile." His mouth slowly started to open in a grin, widening molar by molar. "And it makes sense that it doesn't affect your hunger, either; as countless Zoan fruits have displayed in the past, the powers are fully capable of producing mass in pre-determined formations out of thin air! It's only a small leap to assume that this ability could be used to replicate non-orga—GACK! I'M BACK, I'M BACK, DON'T HIT ME!" Chopper promptly yelped, flinching away from me in a panic as I raised my gauntlet-clad fist.

    "Mmm-hmm…"

    "Mmmyeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it goes…" Lassoo nodded in agreement, surreptitiously sliding a bit further away from Chopper. "I can't remember ever having to reload, and Master almost always had me in my hybrid form when we were fighting."

    "Ohhh, now that gives me an idea," Usopp said, grinning. "If Lassoo can replicate any ammo in his chamber and hock it up, then I've got the perfect idea for an upgrade: I'll replace the trigger mechanism with something a lot more compact and efficient, and that'll let me fit in a cylinder, like in that revolver Mr. 5 had, which should allow for variable ammunition!"

    "Ah, Usopp!" Chopper hastily piped up. "If you do that, you'll need to spread out the slimming down as evenly as possible, because if one part of his anatomy is slimmer than the rest, it could cause severe anomalies to appear in his biological transformation."

    I looked at Lassoo, who looked between the doctor and the inventor before speaking.

    "Just as long as my overall stopping power doesn't get cut down, that's all fine by me," he sighed at last.

    "Alright, then!" Usopp clapped his hands with a truly evil smile. "Cross, go and get Zoro. We're going to be doing a lot of precise metal-cutting. Once he's here…" The sniper's grin widened viciously as he yanked his goggles down over his eyes. "We can begin the operation!"

    His grin promptly disappeared when Chopper snapped into his Muscle Point and cracked his fist over his friend's skull.

    "NOT FUNNY!"

    -o-​

    "Well, it appears that this Soundbite doesn't have a lot of latitude in ways of personality, does he?" Merry mused as he poured out a cup of hot chocolate for himself.

    "It was kinda rude for him to ruin the moment for the Captain," Carrot said, the only one of the Veggie trio currently awake.

    "Hmm, maybe so…" Kaya mused as she blew on her on mug.

    "AND YOU smell like it TOO! Shishishi!"

    "Watch it, shit-snail, or you'll wind up in my pan for Nami-swan's lunch instead!"

    "I'LL BE GOOD, I'll be good!" the snail hastily yelped.

    "But you can't help but admit that he's quite humorous, wouldn't you say?" Kaya couldn't help but giggle.

    "Alright, with the resident jackass nicely chastised, let's get back to it. So, Sanji, you were saying?"

    "Ah, yes… as any chef of the sea worth his salt will tell you, not a single scrap of food should be wasted. Once you've extracted what many people would call 'the best parts,' you're left with enough materials to make another full-course meal. Pulverize the bones and head of the fish, mix in the guts and whatever scraps you have from the vegetables, except the skins, then roll the meat into balls and deep-fry them. Bitterness whets the appetite, preparing for the vegetable dish; vegetable skins have just as much to give as the cores…"

    "I think that I should fetch the chef, he'll enjoy listening to this," Merry mused contemplatively as Sanji went on. "And their cook is so polite, too. The spitting image of a gentleman!"

    "Well, I'll say this for your methodology, Sanji, this definitely looks good. Mind if I—?" A wooden THWACK rang out over the connection. "YEOWCH! WHAT THE HELL, BASTARD?! YOU LET NAMI TASTE ALL THE TIME!"

    "Yes, but she's a beautiful woman, whereas you're nothing but a shitty tactician with an even shittier snail on his shoulder."

    "EXCUSE ME!?"

    "WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ONE OF YOUR PLANS ACTUALLY WORKED, HUH!? NOW BEAT IT, YOU'LL EAT WITH THE REST OF THE SHITTY GUYS IN HALF AN HOUR!"

    "SHIT COOK!"

    "BITE ME, SHIT SNAI—YEOWCH!"

    "I stand corrected. Shame on me for expecting Luffy to have anyone fully sensible on his crew…" The butler trailed off while the younger members of the audience fell into fits of laughter.

    -o-

    "Alright, Soundbite," I stated as I lowered a pair of goggles over my eyes. "Are you ready to go?"

    The gastropod gave me a flat look as he shifted around on the slab of meat he was sitting on. "YEAH YEAH, I'm ready. But are the GOGGLES REALLY necessary?"

    "With any luck, no…" I shook my head as I positioned myself behind the Merry's mast. "But am I lucky enough to not need them?"

    "No, you are most definitely not," Sanji said, shaking his head in agreement as he joined me, positioning his own goggles.

    "And why is swirly-BROW HERE?"

    "Because it's bad enough that you two are using perfectly good food to test an attack." The cook glared at me for a moment, prompting me to fling up my hands in surrender before he directed his attention back at Soundbite. "There's no way in hell that I'm going to let you do this unsupervised. So, either I watch you do it, or you don't do it at all."

    "Tsk. Fiiiiine…"

    "Alright, then…" I leaned around the mast to watch Soundbite, an action that Sanji mirrored. "Okay, Soundbite… Gastro-Blast, as hard as you can!"

    Soundbite's grin became absolutely vicious as he held himself up high. "BOOM-BOOM-CLAP!"

    SPLAT!

    I flinched behind the mast as the attack performed exactly as expected.

    A little bit beyond 'as expected', actually, as the puréed meat that had covered my face and most of the deck attested to.

    I blew out the breath I'd been holding, shifted the goggles to my forehead and glanced at Sanji, who didn't look so much angry as downright stunned by what had just happened. "Still think I'm nuts for wearing these things?"

    "Alright, so you WERE RIGHT!"

    I blinked in surprise at the fact that the direction of Soundbite's voice had changed and promptly looked towards where it was originating from.

    "NOW GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!" he yowled from where he was clutching to our flag for dear life.

    I blinked up at him in shock. "Riiiight…" I looked back at Sanji with a sheepish grin. "Provided you're not too mad at us, think you could get Soundbite down from there? I don't think I could climb the mast fast enough to get him before he loses his grip."

    "Mad?" Sanji breathed, before grinning. "Mad?! Why would I be mad? Look at this!"

    I flinched back as Sanji shoved a piece of meat that had been thrown at him under my nose. "Uh, great?" I said shakily. "Listen, could you maybe get Soundbite before explaining what's got you so happy? Because while snails might have great grips, there are still limits, and the sea is made of saltwater, sooo…?"

    Sanji frowned momentarily before jumping the full distance to the crow's nest, casually plucking Soundbite off of the flag, and jumping back down. I blinked as the chef handed the gastropod over to me.

    "Ooookay," I said as I slowly placed the twitchy snail back on my shoulder. "You were saying?"

    The grin was back full force as Sanji brought back up the chunk of meat. "Alright, take a good look at this. Notice anything?"

    I squinted at the meat, which looked like… well, meat. "I'm not seeing anything special besides the fact that that looks like a clump of mashed potatoes, Sanji," I replied.

    "Well, this is what I get for signing up for a pirate crew," Sanji sighed. "Okay, first of all, Soundbite flash-cooked the meat. This—" He held up the brown lump again. "Is edible. I'd need to wash it, but it's edible. You could eat it right now. And second—"

    Sanji pressed his fingers together, the meat shifting like chewing gum. "It's tender. Really tender. I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'melt in your mouth' applied to meat, but with a little refinement you could probably produce meat that actually melts in your mouth. Do you have any idea the culinary possibilities this opens up? This could be the greatest discovery in cuisine since… since canning!"

    "And all at the low-low cost of an attack that no human could possibly survive and that Miss Friday was really lucky to walk away from," I deadpanned. "I hope you really like working with hyper-puréed ingredients, Sanji, because until we reach dry land and find some rocks or trees for Soundbite to practice on, a lot of ingredients are going to be very drinkable."

    The chef paused as he contemplated that statement, looking at the meat we were coated in in a whole new light. "I… you might have a point."

    "Oh, I don't know…"

    The three of us glanced up at the top level of the Merry, where Robin was leaning on the railing next to Nami's orchard.

    "I can certainly see the appeal of an attack as lethal as that one. Although…" She swiped a stray puddle of liquified meat off of her shoulder and pinched it between her thumb and forefinger. "I suppose it could do to make less of a mess…"

    "Not all of us are balls-DEEP IN Neutral Evil, bitch," Soundbite grumbled beneath his breath.

    "Excuse me?"

    I slapped Soundbite upside his shell before raising my voice. "Some of us prefer to opt for painful but non-lethal when we have the option available to us. I know that not killing isn't going to be an option forever, but that sure the hell doesn't mean that I'm not going to try and stay nonlethal for as long as I can. And besides…" I snapped out my baton and waved it in a telling manner. "As I'm sure the cracks in Mr. 13's skull will tell you, nonlethal does not necessarily mean soft, capiche?"

    Robin chuckled lightly in response before holding her shirt out from her chest. "Well, on another topic, I feel I must ask: if messes like this are any indication, I'm going to need some new clothes the next time we reach a populated island. Might I know what the ship's policy is on our wardrobes?" she posed politely.

    STOMP!

    All attention turned towards the doorway to the ship's cannon room, where Nami was leaning inside the frame of the door like a legitimate badass.

    "Just how stupid do you think we are?" the navigator demanded coldly, glancing up at our new archaeologist out of the corner of her eye. "You might have managed to fool Luffy, not that that's exactly hard, and I'm sure that Cross has some reason that he's so cryptic around you, but me?" She jabbed a thumb at her chest with a dry chuckle. "I'm smart. I remember who you are. I remember that you were Crocodile's partner, and I remember what you did to Vivi and her country. You can play innocent and pretend to be our friend for as long as you want, but the second you slip up, the moment you show your true colors…" In a flash she had her Clima-Tact assembled and pointing at Robin; the accompanying glare was arguably even more threatening than the electricity crackling over the tip. "I swear that I will beat you senseless, and you won't see me coming even if you have eyes on every square inch of the Merry. Understood?"

    Soundbite let out a low whistle. "Daaaaaaamn, GURL!"

    I glanced up at Robin, and sighed at the way she was smiling before holding up my fingers. "And in three, two, one…"

    "Oh, yes, perfectly understood. By the way… this is a bit of a non-sequitur, but I thought you should know that I managed to… liberate some of Crocodile's treasure as I left Alabasta. Would you care for some jewels?"

    I had to actively fight to not be bowled over by the air current that formed from Nami rushing past me as she ran to glomp onto Robin. "I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, BIG SIS!" she cried enthusiastically, her beri-shaped eyes shining just as much as she was drooling.

    "NAMI!"

    Nami snapped out of her wealth-lust in an instant as Vivi's voice cracked over her like a whip, her expression much like that of a child whose hand had gotten caught in a cookie jar as she faltered under the glare the princess was pinning her with from the forecastle.

    "C-C'mon, Vivi!" she pleaded as she waved her arms energetically. "Th-This isn't what it looks like!"

    "Even though it really is," Robin smoothly replied.

    "N-n-no, it isn't! I'm ah, I'm…" Nami sputtered as she looked for a solution before her eyes alighted on the bag in Robin's hand, which she swiftly snatched up and displayed prominently. "See!? I'm stealing from her, I stole this! I-It was all just a ruse to get close to her! Cat Thief Nami strikes once again! Hahaha—!"

    "Actually…"

    Nami froze mid-hamtastic-laugh as Robin's cool voice swept over her. "Those jewels were always intended for you, so really, all you're doing is taking my gift a little early."

    "STOP HELPING ME!" Nami howled as she shook Robin's collar furiously, not even fazing the woman.

    "OH, LADIES, PLEASE STOP FIGHTING! MY HEART CANNOT—!" Sanji cried, spinning over to where Nami was attempting to throttle Robin… and unfortunately putting himself in range of Nami's wrath.

    "THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, LOVERBOY!" she raged, laying him out flat with a single punch before returning her attention to Robin.

    I felt a sweatdrop hang off my skull before I glanced up at Vivi with a reassuring smile. "Look… Nami might have had a moment of weakness, but that's just how she is. You know that this won't change the fact that she'll always be on your side, right?"

    My question was met with a cold stare and silence.

    "R-right?"

    Vivi turned away, giving me no answer as she refocused her attention on Usopp, whom she and Carue had been discussing matters of weaponry with throughout our little… experiment. "Sorry about that. So, you were saying?"

    "Uh… riiight… How about this, then?" Usopp asked, holding up a sketch. Vivi took it and looked it over before nodding thoughtfully.

    "Hmm… it seems heavier than I'm used to, but then again, I suppose that maybe I shouldn't be going subtle anymore. I think I can work with that."

    "And whad aboud me?" Carue squawked.

    I heard the sound of a page turning, and I barely registered Carue squawking again, either in excitement or disbelief, I couldn't tell which.

    I kept my forlorn gaze on the forecastle for a moment before looking at Soundbite, who was himself sporting an uncomfortable grimace. "I need to fix this…"

    -o-​

    "YOYOI!" yelled a ridiculously tall man with an equally ridiculous head of pink hair. "And I thought that ooouuur training was the only series of exercises so very seveeere!"

    "For once, I agree with you," Jabra said, staring at the snail with an expression that was half-disgusted, half-impressed. "He may be a pirate, but if we ever end up fighting, I think he'll be able to put up a decent fight."

    "But you shouldn't believe everything you hear, chapapa!" Fukuro said sagely.

    "YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! YOU'RE ENIES LOBBY'S GO-TO FOR GOSSIP!" the wolf-man howled, clawing for the zipper to his mouthy compatriot's mouth.

    "So, yeah, if any of you want to become anything along the lines of the world's greatest swordsman? Remember this: that workout that you just heard Zoro put me through, one of many I've gone through since entering the Grand Line, just to get me to the point where I'll have a snowball's chance in Hell of standing up to him in a fair fight? He could do it with an elephant on his back, chugging a jug of sake that could melt Whitebeard's liver—you heard me, old man, I'm not taking it back!—while holding his sword in his teeth and with hot coals tied to his feet."

    "AND HE'S being generous!"

    "Huh. That actually sounds like a nice challenge, Cross; any idea where I can get an elephant?"

    "Here, chapapa," Fukuro said, glancing at the animated sword that was currently eating fruit with its trunk.

    "WILL YOU CRAM IT ALREADY!?"

    "… Yeah, no. I'm just going to walk away and spare whatever dregs of my sanity are left… though really, that's just draining away, day by—oh, there's our new crewmate, let's see if she has anything to say! Hey, R—Mmph!"

    "Huh?" Jabra blinked in confusion as the line went silent for a moment. With his acute hearing, he heard the sound of a pen moving on paper before said paper rustled.

    "YOYOI! Perhaps some tragic misfortune has befallen our beloved commentator! Oh woe, oh tragedy—!" Kumadori started to lament.

    "You realize that seeing how he's a pirate and we work for the World Government, we're mortal enemies with your 'beloved commentator', right?" Jabra reminded him dryly.

    "INDEED! And such is the core of my misery! For though our lives deem us irreconcilable foes, my heart goes out to him yet for the showmanship he provides!"

    The kabuki incarnate dropped to his knees, a large knife in his hand.

    "As atonement for this unforgivable fallacy of Justice, I shall open my stomach! Iron Body." The last words were droned out of habit as he plunged the blade into his stomach… and shattered it.

    Jabra slapped a palm to his face, forcing himself to ignore his first instinct to gut his teammate himself, and instead focused on the question that came to mind. "Where the hell do you keep getting those swords anyways? I thought Spandam ordered the guys in the armory to cut you off!"

    "They did. He's been stealing them from your collection," Fukuro provided out of the corner of his mouth.

    "I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE, YOYOI!""

    Well, so much for ignoring that instinct.

    "Okay, that's it," Jabra growled, fur sprouting all over his body as he put on several tons of pure muscle. "Everyone dies."

    Thankfully for the two now-panicking assassins, they were saved by the broadcast promptly resuming. "Sorry about that everyone, just had a… difference of opinion to sort out," Cross apologized in a slightly put off tone of voice. Jabra got the distinct impression that the line had been delivered through gritted teeth.

    "Would it help if I said I had stage-fright?" someone answered in a teasing tone. The voice was unique to say the least, both a male voice and a female voice speaking at once, producing an odd reverb effect.

    "It would if I actually believed you for a second…" Cross grumbled before sighing heavily. "Anyways… This is our newest crewmate, XXX. If you're wondering about the static just now, as well as—huh? Seriously? Ergh, you're killing my freedom of the press here!—as well as their name being edited out, that was on account of XXX requesting that Soundbite censor out everything pertaining to their identity, on account of them being a somewhat infamous figure and really valuing their privacy. Needless to say, we won't be getting much out of them for this broadcast."

    "My deepest apologies," the mystery figure replied in a tone of voice that plainly said he or she was both not sorry at all and more amused than anything.

    "For the record, you do realize that a few words from you could blow the minds of people the world over, right? Not to mention the fact that I highly doubt we could be any more wanted if we tried," Cross pointed out.

    Silence came from the other end for a few moments.

    "Perhaps at a later date…" came the voice. "But I feel I should warn you, Cross: the more you try and set the world on fire, the less ground you'll have to stand on."

    "We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it," an old, weathered voice responded.

    "Soundbite's got a point," Cross chuckled. "The world's been burning for a long time now. All I'm trying to do is to get it to burn my way."

    The mystery crewmate was silent for a second before chuckling lightly. "You're a very strange individual, Cross."

    "THANK YOU Captain OBVIOUS!"

    "Gonna have to side with the snail there, XXX!"

    "Me too, chapapa," Fukuro said.

    The wolf-man snarled as he reverted back to human form, looking to be fighting off the beginnings of a migraine as he walked towards the door.

    "Alright, I'm getting out of here before you two actually make me kill you. Besides, it's almost time for something I've been waiting for for a while now: a date."

    "Puru puru puru puru!"

    "OF ALL THE TIMES!" Jabra snapped, storming back over to the snail and picking up the speaker. "WHAT!?"

    "That's sexual harassment."

    Jabra was dumbstruck for a few seconds. Then…

    "AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEEP-COVER OPERATION!?"

    "It had to be said. KA-LICK."

    "RAAAAAAGH!"

    "YOYOI! Here he goes again!"

    "Would now be a bad time to tell him that his date reconsidered last night and is going to stand him up?"

    And so, Spandam's next mission for the three assassins faced a delay of three weeks while the two weaker individuals were in the medical wing and their superior attended several severe (and ultimately futile) anger management classes.

    -o-​

    I furtively paced back and forth on the Merry's upper deck, waiting with bated breath and thoroughly wrung hands. I really hoped that this worked, otherwise the next few years were going to redefine the word 'awkward'.

    Thankfully, my concerns were marginally alleviated by the door to the kitchen opening up and Nami walking out, nodding at me in confirmation. "She's as ready to talk as she'll ever be."

    I sighed in relief and nodded gratefully as I made for the door. "Thanks, Nami. Well, wish me luck."

    However, before I could enter the kitchen, she caught my arm. "Are you really sure that you want to do this?" she asked in concern.

    I grimaced in response before shaking her off. "She's my friend. Do I have any other choice?"

    Nami didn't have any response to that, and stepped back, letting me enter the kitchen. Vivi was sitting at the dining table, staring at the other seat and not giving any acknowledgment that I had entered the room.

    For the longest time, I just… stood there, a heavy silence filling the air like molten lead. Not even Soundbite dared to break it, choosing instead to keep his jaws tightly shut.

    Finally, Vivi broke said silence with a heavy sigh. "Alright, look—"

    "I'm sorry, okay?!" I burst out, unable to take it anymore.

    The princess blinked in surprise, taken aback by my outcry. "Cross—"

    "Vivi, I am so, so, so sorry for everything that's happened to you, for everything that I've done…" I dragged my hands down my face with a groan. "God, I don't think I can possibly apologize enough for all of this. Vivi, I have done so much wrong by you and you have every right to hate me for as long as I live, but your friendship is… one of the most important things in my life and I can't bear the thought of you hating me. And… and I realize that I'm never going to be able to truly make things up to you and that I am the last person who should be asking you this, but I am begging you—" I fell on my knees at this point and clasped my hands together. "Literally begging, for you to forgive me at this point. So, please… can you find it in your heart to do so?"

    Vivi stared at me wordlessly for a moment, before dropping her eyelids to an unimpressed half-mast. "Well, that was overly dramatic," she droned.

    I blinked in confusion as I processed that statement. "Eh?"

    Vivi sighed in exasperation as she ran a hand through her hair. "I don't hate you, Cross. As a matter of fact, I forgave you when I broke your nose. That punch contained the main bulk of my grievances with you."

    "…Eh!?" I parroted with twice as much incredulity.

    "Yeeeaaah…" The princess scratched the back of her head uncomfortably. "The silence and cold shoulder have primarily been me giving you a hard time. Though in retrospect I suppose that I might have gone a bit far with it, I'll admit."

    "You all but said that you wanted me to drop dead!" I squawked indignantly.

    "In case you haven't noticed, Zoro and Sanji actively try and kill each other every other hour on the hour," Vivi pointed out.

    I held my finger up and opened my mouth to respond, before slowly dropping my finger with a grumble. "You… make a good point…" I admitted uncomfortably before trying to rally. "But… I mean, Alabasta… from one war to another, you really don't—?"

    "Alright, first," Vivi interrupted me. "That is infinitely more the World Nobles' fault than it is yours, and second? Well…" She pondered for a minute before continuing. "The war we ended was them fighting and killing one another over a misunderstanding. But now… now they're fighting together, united, and as much as I don't like it, I can't deny that they're actually fighting for a good cause this time. So…" she smiled lightly. "While it's not perfect, at least the blow is somewhat softened."

    I slowly nodded but hesitated at the other point of contention in my mind. "And… about Nico Robin—?"

    Aaaand cue the ambient temperature dropping several dozen degrees. "I don't like that she's here, and I still don't trust her." She looked me straight in the eye, her face stony again, not angrily but accusingly. "But I do still trust you, and I know you wouldn't let her onboard without a good reason." She crossed her arms with a huff. "A reason that I very much want to hear."

    I barely hesitated before plastering a smile on my face and nodding frantically. "I can do that! I can totally do that!" I hesitated and glanced around nervously. "Er… Not now, mind you, not while the phrase 'the walls have ears' could be taken literally, but as soon as we get to the next island? Totally! I was going to tell Zoro and Nami anyway."

    "Suck-UP," Soundbite stage-whispered.

    "Kiss my ass," I retorted under my breath.

    "Hmm… alright, then…" Vivi tapped her chin thoughtfully before starting to popping up a finger. "Well, while we're on speaking terms here, I'd like to be included in any more of those meetings that you have with them. Not all of them, necessarily, but the important ones so that I'm not surprised like I was with Yuba and Nico Robin."

    "Of course, that's fine by me! The more the merrier! Four heads—!"

    CHOMP!

    "ACK!" I yelped in agony. "F-FIVE! Five heads are better than four!"

    "Better."

    Vivi contemplated things a moment longer before giving me a vulpine grin. "Aaaaand you'll be taking over the female half of the bathroom-sanitation rotation until we reach our final destination."

    "That's completely fine!" I nodded eagerly, shooting her a pair of thumbs up before pointing towards the door. "I-in fact, I'll go and get started on that right now! See you at dinner?"

    "Mm-hmm," Vivi hummed in agreement. "We can even go over some designs Usopp had for improving my arsenal."

    "Perfect! See you then!" And with that, I rushed out of the kitchen, intent on beelining straight for the Merry's bathroom, before pausing as I caught sight of Nami holding herself up against a wall, doubled over with laughter.

    "What? What's so funny?" I asked in confusion—and then the moment of comprehension hit me like a ton of bricks as I finished going over the tail end of the conversation.

    "… Wait, what just happened?" I asked nobody in particular.

    That just made Nami laugh even harder.

    -o-​

    In one of the three islands where the Marines centered their power, one of the few warriors remaining from the era of Gol D. Roger sat in his office, eyeing his Transponder Snail with a contemplative frown.

    "… And after that, just keep the bandages on tight for about a day or so, and the wound should heal up nicely. Depending on the severity of the injury, there could be some residual scarring, but in my experience, most patients see that as more of a pro than a con," said a young-sounding voice.

    "Heh! Now, isn't that the truth!" Cross chuckled in agreement. "Take a look at this bad boy." There was a slight rustling of cloth. "And tell me that this doesn't look badass to you!"

    "THE EXPERIENCE was less THAN PLEASANT, though."

    "Yeah, well, of course, that goes without saying."

    "If this is any indication for what an average broadcast will be like," an elderly voice cut in as its owner entered the office. "Then I think that you and the rest of the upper brass are making a big fuss about nothing."

    Sengoku grunted in acknowledgment, never moving his attention from the snail before him. "Tsuru."

    "Sengoku, Gruffy," the aged vice-admiral nodded back, receiving a bleat of greeting from the goat munching on papers in the corner of the room before seating herself across from her old friend. "So, you really think this rookie could be anything of a threat? After all, he's neither the D. of the crew—" Tsuru's lips quirked slightly as Sengoku visibly twitched at the mention of the accursed letter. "Nor its captain. Don't you think you might be overreacting a little?"

    Sengoku grumbled darkly as he continued to glare at the snail on his desk. "We outlawed the Transceivers for a reason, and his initial broadcast showed that it was a good reason. Innocuous though this broadcast may seem to be now, it's too dangerous to be allowed to exist; at best, we have a group of role models for other pirates. At worst, we have a budding threat comparable to Dragon himself."

    Tsuru let out a disbelieving scoff. "I don't know how he came across the transceiver, but do you really think that one boy with a big mouth can do as much damage as the Revolutionary Army?"

    "Well, this has been Chopper's Medical Discussions. Now, for the last part of today's broadcast, how about some one-on-one time with your host? I've saved the best for last, though let me first remind you, viewers: we created the SBS to be able to tell our side of the story. And that goes beyond just telling you about the bright side of things. So tonight, I bring you an insider's look on the part of the World Government that concerns me and mine directly: the justice system. While a lot of pirates in the world would be better off in prison… I think that the World Government goes too far with their treatment of them. Some of you may agree with me, some of you may not, but make your choice after I inform you of the hell that is the World Government's choice of internment facilities. I speak, of course, of the great underwater gaol, Impel Down."

    "There's your answer, Tsuru," Sengoku grunted.

    "Psh, you're overreacting," the vice admiral scoffed dismissively. "So the boy will share some half-baked theories about what goes on in Impel Down, there are a million of those floating around! A few more won't be a problem."

    "Fair warning, viewers: remember when I said that this broadcast isn't for the faint of heart? This is what I meant. Any of you who are easily squeamish may want to leave now… Gone? Good. Now then, let's start at the very top of this horror show. I speak of Level 1 of 5… The Crimson Hell."

    You could have heard a pin drop in the Fleet Admiral's office, it was so silent… well, apart from the goat's oblivious chewing, of course.

    "You hear that? That sound was a million and one Marine officers around the world simultaneously voiding their bowels. Surprise, you sons of bitches: I'm not bluffing."

    "HOW YOU like us NOW, HUH!?"

    "You were saying about us not having a problem?" Sengoku dryly asked his old friend, his desk starting to crack beneath his grip.

    Tsuru was actively gnawing her lip now as she eyed the grinning Transponder Snail in concern. "Alright…" she started slowly, visibly rethinking several opinions. "So it would appear he's more well-informed than we had suspected. I imagine that this broadcast will cost us some public opinion and cause some outrage, but with any luck, we can still run damage control…"

    "Now, where was I… Oh, wait! Before we resume our little documentary into the penal system—"

    "Heheheh, you said 'penal'."

    "Oh, real mature."

    "I AM literally ONE and a twelfth."

    "… point. As I was saying, before we resume our documentary, I felt it only appropriate that we offer a tip of the hat and a flip of the bird to the primary wardens of the Government's illustrious negative-five star human roach motel. Domino, Saldeath, Hannyabal, Sadi, all of you sadistic fuckers take a bow! But, of course, let's not forget the king of this shitshow, the good Warden Magellan! Without this fine, upstanding bastard's inventive applications of the Venom-Venom Fruit—again, that is the Venom-Venom Fruit, which allows the user to produce a myriad of poisons and toxins from their body—I imagine that countless individuals would have suffered much less painful and much less agonizing demises. Let's give the demons of the World Government's man-made hell a hand, folks, a big big big hand!"

    "…I'll stop talking now," a thoroughly chastised and very pale Tsuru whispered, sweating despite the fact that she wasn't the target of Sengoku's glare.

    "Go and get me every Transponder Snail on base, and start calling every. Single. Base in Paradise that lies beyond Alabasta," Sengoku growled out viciously, the woodwork of his office starting to crack beneath the sheer aura of his presence. "I might not approve of Akainu's style, and I am certainly nowhere near the point where I am prepared to let him off his leash, but so help me, at this moment I want it made known that I want this bastard's tongue on a silver platter, am I understood?"

    Tsuru nodded hastily, not trusting herself to speak.

    "GO."

    As she put every fiber of her being into obeying the order, the Vice-Admiral was very grateful that a thorough knowledge of the Six Powers was a prerequisite for joining the upper echelons of the Marines' hierarchy.

    Sengoku took a moment to take several deep breaths and compose himself, and he was halfway through mentally composing an apology for his old ally when his mood was soured anew by the familiar tremors shaking his office.

    "STOP LAUGHING, GARP!" the Fleet Admiral roared as he stamped his foot on the floor, an action that only made the tremors intensify.

    -o-​

    "Well, that's all for this broadcast, but stay tuned for more craziness and more things that the World Government would rather castrate themselves than tell you. Until then, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

    "And SOUNDBITE!"

    "—of the SBS, signing off."

    I replaced the speaker with a satisfied smile; the day had been very productive so far. Portraying our crew in a good light, spreading more chaos for the Marines, and making peace with Vivi, no matter how badly I got suckered? I simply couldn't picture how the day could get better! I turned to head for the kitchen—

    "Puru puru puru puru!—HUH?"

    When I was reminded how Fate responded to temptation by Soundbite beginning to ring. I blinked in surprise as I processed the turn of events, and then my mind caught up to me.

    I hastily brought my fingers to my lips and let out a sharp whistle. "Nami, Zoro! Staff meeting!" I belted out as I headed towards the storage room, the two following behind me.

    "What is it, Cross?" Zoro asked gruffly.

    "I'M—Puru puru puru puru!—getting a CALL!" Soundbite answered.

    "And there's only one person who knows his number," I said as I shut the door.

    Or at least, as I tried to shut the door, on account of my progress being impeded by a foot getting in the way. I looked around the frame, and was met with a thoroughly nonplussed royal.

    "Ahem?" Vivi coughed, tapping her other foot on the deck.

    I weighed my options for a moment before grimacing and stepping back, allowing her inside. "Yeah yeah, a deal's a deal. But pleeeease promise me that you won't blab anything we need to keep secret to anyone who shouldn't know it?"

    I was gratified by the sight of Vivi's dignified strut being broken by her stumbling and nearly face-planting before she wheeled around to glare at me with a furious blush. "T-that was one time!"

    "YOU DRAGGED us into—Puru puru puru puru!—A REBELLION!"

    Vivi flinched back slightly before giving me a hesitant grin. "I said I'm sorry?"

    "Yeah, because that'll make my shoulder stop burning…" I muttered to myself before picking up the receiver from the transceiver, Soundbite letting out a "KA-LICK!" as I did so before his expression shifted. I wasn't entirely surprised to see the grimace that he adopted. "Hello, Hard-Ass Marine Hotline, Bobby speaking, how may I direct your call?"

    "Cross," an all-too-familiar and gruff voice responded.

    "Ah, Commodore Smoker! I assume you'll be calling for the two-for-one special we're offering on cigars… and soldier's remorse?"

    Silence for a few seconds.

    "…I'm not even going to bother asking where the hell you got that transceiver, but do you have any idea how much hell this stunt of yours is going to raise?" he said, his tone remaining colorless.

    "HA!" I barked sardonically, even going so far as to slap my knee. "Who says you don't have a sense of humor, Smoker, because that was hilarious! Or at least, it was a major coincidence, because you know what my thought process was when I came up with the idea? I was well past giving a damn about what the World Government did. What say you, Vivi?" I handed the mic over to the princess, who accepted it with a stormy expression of her own.

    "I was a bit emotional at the time, so I wasn't exactly thinking straight, but I think that my thought process was somewhere along the lines of 'fuck every last one of the bastards who banished me from my home, hard.''" Vivi concurred harshly.

    Soundbite's expression twitched viciously, but before he could say anything his demeanor shifted into a much more hesitant mood bracket. "I don't suppose we can continue this conversation in a more… private setting, Cross? We're calling you to discuss very private, very delicate matters."

    "This is private, Ensign. The only ones listening besides me are the first, second, and third mates of the crew… and Soundbite, of course, but there's no easy way of dealing with that particular parasite," Vivi replied.

    "SCREW YOU too, VIVI."

    Soundbite's expression remained hesitant for a moment longer before twisting back into a hard-assed sneer. "Relax, Tashigi, we knew this wouldn't be a formal affair going in. Besides, it's not like we're alone on our end, either."

    That     drew a look of surprise from all of us.

    "Come again?" I asked in confusion.

    And just like that Soundbite's expression shifted. Not that much, all things considered. He still looked like he had a pole shoved up his ass, but it was… softened, if that makes sense. Like his hard-assness was somehow subdued.

    "Hina is… surprised…" he eventually stated in a female voice. "Even after listening to that broadcast, I didn't think that pirates like those on your crew actually existed, much less that I'd ever actually interact with anyone like you."

    I blinked in confusion as I processed this development before grinning impishly. "Captain Hina! Wonderful to hear from you again, how are your men?"

    Ah, there was the scowl of feminine fury I was becoming so familiar with. "Beaten, bruised and wet from being thrown off their ships."

    "Kung-Fu Fleet, called it!" I cackled ecstatically. "Alright, pay up, who owes—ACK!"

    "Hurry up and start talking, Smoker," Zoro growled as he placed Kitetsu back at his side from where he'd slapped it into my neck. "Before Cross gets his voice back."

    "Screw… you…" I wheezed.

    Soundbite flashed an irritated expression that I can only imagine was Tashigi's before re-adopting Smoker's grim smirk. "At least one of you is capable of taking things seriously."

    The smirk faded the next second as he spoke again.

    "I have to admit that I'm impressed, Cross. I never thought that any pirate would actually be able to shake my faith in the Marines, but you managed it."

    I promptly sobered up as I massaged my throat. "In my defense, I didn't do jack, Smoker. All I did was draw attention to an ugly truth you would have become aware of either way."

    "Then I suppose I should thank you for showing it to me sooner rather than later."

    I blinked in shock as I processed that statement before digging my finger in my ear canal. "Excuse me? I'm sorry, I appear to have an ear infection, did you just thank me?"

    Smoker snorted dispassionately. "Don't count on it happening again anytime soon, Cross. But seriously. I'm calling you because you showed me what the system I work for is really like. Because I saw the truth of the world, and… frankly, I'm disgusted by it."

    "We're disgusted by it," Hina clarified. "All of us, Hina's and Smoker's soldiers included."

    "And you're telling us this because…?" Nami trailed off questioningly.

    "We're telling you because we intend to do something about it," Tashigi explained. "And we want you to help us with the endeavor."

    I practically felt my blood freeze in my veins. "Okay…" I whispered slowly. "Now I know that I have an ear infection, because there's no way in hell that I can believe the fact that I just heard a tight-laced Marine like you ask for my help in tearing down the World Government."

    "We don't want to tear down the—!" Tashigi started to protest before she was cut off.

    "Believe it, Cross, because you just heard it," Smoker interrupted.

    "Cap-C-Commodore!?" Tashigi sputtered in shock.

    "Smoker, what are you—?!"

    "Oh, stop kidding yourselves, you two," Smoker barked harshly. "This corruption goes straight to the top and you both know it. If we want to save any trace of Justice left in this world, then we're going to need to destroy the world from the ground up to salvage it."

    The room went dead silent. Everyone's jaws, even Zoro's, hit the floor. Soundbite himself couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

    I slowly glanced back at the swordsman. "Zoro? Hit me again, I must be dreaming; making Alabasta go Revolutionary is one thing, but someone like Smoker is another thing altogether."

    "I am not a Revolutionary!" Smoker snarled. "Those sons of bitches are wanton anarchists and they drag civilians into the crossfire. Me? I don't give a damn about politics or the bullshit that comes from dealing with it. This is a matter of policy change, pure and simple. Justice needs to be harsh, impartial, completely unbiased by trivialities like political agendas. And yet, as I've been shown in the past twenty-four hours, that's not the case right now."

    "So… what are you proposing, then? How do you expect pirates to help you change Marine policy?" Vivi asked incredulously.

    "We… we don't," Tashigi reluctantly answered, apparently regaining her mental footing. "We're the ones who vowed to enforce and protect Justice. This… this is our mess, we'll take care of it on ourselves."

    "Save that the current 'ourselves' to which she's referring is not very substantial," Hina sighed. "As it stands, we have around two or three thousand soldiers who we trust that are directly loyal to us and would support our cause. And while I'm sure that we could probably find more out there who would be willing to join our movement for reform…" Hina's scowl deepened as Soundbite mirrored her chewing on her cigarette. "Hina is afraid that searching them out without being discovered by the very people we oppose would be a nigh impossible task."

    "In short, Cross… we want you to be an informant," Smoker summarized.

    "Come again?" Nami questioned in disbelief.

    "Well, you see, back in Alabasta, Cross mentioned that he knew of the existence of other 'decent Marines' out in the world," Tashigi explained. "I'm assuming that he knows more beyond the ones who he said are dead?"

    I fidgeted slightly under the searching gazes everyone shot at me as I wracked my brain. "Ah… I… can name a few, yeah…" I hedged hesitantly. "A Captain, some Vice-Admirals… Aokiji's a hard maybe on this, the guy is cryptic and could go either way… Heck, best case scenario, maybe you could swing Kizaru? Though chances are that the bastard could turn right back around on a dime and blast you to dust the moment he got bored… or just if he felt like it, he is really hard to get a read on…" The last bit was grumbled to myself more than anyone.

    "Yeah, well, even if your current list is short, with any luck, you'll come across more of them as you keep moving through the Grand Line." Smoker grunted. "We're asking you to keep an eye out for anyone who's a fan of your show, anyone with a reputation of being stubborn against orders… or anyone that your crew manages to leave an impression on. I doubt we'll be the last."

    "Understatement…" Nami muttered to herself.

    "And… what, I just tell them that there's a group of Marines trying to stage a righteous coup?" I demanded. "I doubt they'll believe me, and even if they did, what about the chance of things being passed up the line until magma starts falling on your heads?"

    "That's a risk we're willing to take, Cross," Tashigi stated firmly. "But… still, just in case, we brought another Transponder Snail incognito while we were near Alabasta. If you agree—"

    "He just raised the kind of absolute hell that no one since Gold Roger has, and that's just with the first two broadcasts. Do you really think he's going to pass this up?" Smoker scoffed incredulously.

    "… Right. Well, anyways, you'd call that snail and we'd vet whoever you sent to us. It wouldn't be a perfect system, I know, but at least it'd give us somewhere to start."

    "Tashigi would be your handler in this situation," Hina clarified. "You'd primarily make contact with her and she'd act as our go-between." She paused, seeming to choose her words carefully. "Cross, Hina realizes that what we're asking is not an easy task—"

    "Save it, I'll do it," I interrupted, looking at my friends one by one and confirming that none of them seemed to have any issues with the arrangement. "Anything to stick it to the bastards who hurt my friend and to make our world just a little bit less of an absolute hellhole. Just one condition: you get wind of any Marine attacks coming our way, you help us steer clear. It might go against what you stand—"

    "The hell it does. As convoluted as it might seem, you pirates are helping us salvage Justice. If you get caught, then the world suffers for it," Smoker interrupted. "You're just lucky that I got pulled off your tail by Marineford. After all, I wouldn't hesitate to hold back."

    "Oh, of course not, as if we would ever expect anything else," Nami deadpanned.

    "Before I forget, Cross. We've arrested most of Baroque Works by now, but a few agents have slipped through the cracks: the Mr. 5 pair, Mr. 3's partner, and… Nico Robin. Any ideas where they are?"

    I frowned and glanced at everyone thoughtfully before looking back at Soundbite. "On the first two, I'm gonna say… let the chips fall where they may, and on the last…" I glanced back at Vivi before continuing. "Suffice to say that I believe she's right where she deserves to be."

    "… She's on your ship, isn't she," Tashigi stated more than asked.

    "Hey hey, I'm not denying she's a bitch," I raised my hands defensively before glancing around for help. A questioning look at Soundbite earned me a so-so gesture, and I decided to risk it. "…I'm just saying that she's got a Freudian excuse six battleships big, got it?"

    Tashigi ground her teeth y for a second before breathing out a heavy sigh. "In for one beri, in for them all… Alright, Cross, I'll take your word for it… for now."

    "Well, alright, then," I said, nodding and moving to hang up the transponder. "Now then, if that's everything…"

    "Uh, one question?" Vivi raised her hand. "Does your… group have a name or…?"

    "…damn it."

    "Hina told you they'd ask, Smoker."

    "If… any of you have any suggestions—?"

    "How about MI3?"

    Attention snapped to the speaker, all of us staring at them in shock. And why not!? They were the last person we'd expected to speak! I certainly didn't see it coming, that's for sure!

    Zoro responded with a unilateral stinkeye. "What? I come up with all my attack names on my own, I can be creative."

    "And it would stand for…?" Nami trailed off expectantly.

    Zoro shrugged with a grunt. "Marine Integrity 3. After all, they're fighting to reform the Marines and the three of them are leading it, so…"

    Soundbite's eye twitched before he spoke in Tashigi's thoroughly peeved voice. "That has got to be the most bone-headed—!"

    "It'll do for now. Thanks for the contribution, Pirate Hunter," Smoker cut her off with a dirty grin.

    "Wha—!? SIR!"

    "Goodbye for now, Cross," the Commodore forged on, ignoring his subordinate's protests. "Here's to the start of a long and hopefully successful venture."

    And with a KA-LICK, Soundbite resumed his normal, if bemused, expression.

    Silence hung in the air for a few moments until Nami groaned and slapped a hand to her face. "So, Cross…" she ground out. "Any other insanity you'd like to lay out on us?"

    "Hey, now," I waved my hands defensively. "This is com-pletely off-script! Trust me, from now until when I say so, you literally cannot blame me for whatever madness comes our way… unless you can trace it to me directly, of course."

    Without any warning whatsoever, the Merry suddenly lurched, jerking and nearly throwing us all off of our feet.

    The air was split by Usopp's very familiar and all-too-feminine shriek.

    "AAAAAAH! IT'S THE KRAKEEEEN!"

    I blinked in surprise as I processed that statement.

    "Huh… that's odd, he's two years early."

    Judging by the way Nami shrieked and tried to throttle me, she did not appreciate my commentary.
     
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    • I don't know how you manage to make such amazing updates each time. O.O

    Trying not to wake other people up right now; and nearly failing due to laughter.
     
    That... was glorious!

    I love seeing the World Government shit their collective pants. These SBS broadcasts are a stroke of genius on your part, Xomniac!

    Also, the MI3 are gonna be awesome allies.

    My only regret is that I can only give this chapter one like.
     


    Please, please, tell me you're going to cover Captain Nezumi for the shit he did in a future SBS broadcast. I love just imagining the look on his face.
     
    Welp, Chopper confirmed for a Spark. Abandon the universe, I guess. In any case:
    1) As I said, Chopper confirmed for a Spark. And he and Usopp together are already in full science mode. With Donny potentially helping them. Between them and, later, Franky, with Modern real world technological tips (from Soundbite), not to mention dials... Straw Hats are going to get some very nice equipment.

    Speaking of Chopper - human and humane. This logic might be able to counter his madness a bit. Even if it is likely to lead to a compassion limit break at some point. And, really, this is where it's going to end up, isn't it? Solar exaltation is pretty much "human to the max", which is what Chopper's power is all about. In any case, he has become one of the heavy hitters with this, and how this develops is going to hold my interest for sure. There's lots of potential there.

    And speaking of weapons - I'm guessing we already know weapons of dugong squad, but Carue's... A lance rack to stab people with maybe? Duck cavalry for the win! I mean, I did notice him discussing it with Usopp.

    2) So... Lassoo. Have you heard of Theseus' Paradox? Because this seems helluva relevant here. What with Usopp and Chopper making upgrades. Speaking of, I do wonder how adding new features would impact the biological form of Lassoo. Like, if they simply slap some sights on the gun form, would Lassoo get better vision? Or is welding needed? I mean, the manual didn't seem to translate into Lassoo's biology in any noticeable way (well, it might have given him knowledge of his own design, in which case Chopper's notes should give him a lot of insight in general), so the question of "at what point does something become a part of his body" is quite relevant. As is "at what point does something stop being his body". Because this way lies cloning. Replace parts of him piece by piece (as long as he maintains his personality throughout), assemble a second gun from replaced parts - do you have two Lassoos now?

    Or if you take the trigger mechanism and put it into Franky's cannon arm - would that arm get an ability to transform into a dog? Lots of SCIENCE! to be done here.

    3) Huh, so Soundbite is already at "cook meat with sound" stage? That's a fast progression, that it is. And it should work even better in water, meaning that fishing really shouldn't be a problem. Speaking of water, Cross really needs a submarine. Soundbite would work great as a sonar, and it adds a lot of tactical possibilities.

    So, onto people listening in...

    1) I kinda wonder what Whitebeard's reaction is. I mean, Cross did call him.

    2) On the subject of Impel down - you are assuming that all sentences are for life there. That... is a big assumption, if perhaps warranted. Just wanted to make sure there.

    Still, Cross is definitely getting a bounty, and probably lots of contacts in the rebellion (because they'd want to use him for sure) and other factions. I wonder how soon he'll start getting mail with request to read certain things aloud. Hey, ads would sell for a lot on SBS.
     
    I do wonder but one thing currently, is Cross going to try some swordplay before Enies Lobby or after?
     
    ...oh dear. Enies lobby and the buster call on the marines own base. Thats going to be a huge wake up call for a lot of the marines this time around. A lot of the marines, even if they dislike the larger picture, are at least confident that they are out of reach from the negative effects simply because they are part of the marines, thus are willing to stand in the background. after the lobby, well, marines will be shown willing to attack their own for no good reason. they are not safe.
    A lot of the neutrals will be picking a side after that, and I would not be surprised if a few bases enter states of open rebellion.
     
    If Chopper needs to balance his Super Intelligence, I suggest that perhaps he should also focus on other traits humans have.

    Spiritual, Emotional and Social, for example!

    Though, focusing on enhancing one of these aspects over the others could have weird/scary/funny effects as well!

    Intellectual Chopper was a Mad-Scientist, so...

    Spiritual Chopper, or Mahātmā Choppra, would be a reindeer Buddha/Jesus, whose highest priority is to be loving to oneself and others. Rather than being a weakness, his pacifism DEEPLY disturbs his "opponents", and his sermons tend to cause others to REALLY question their life-choices!

    Anyone have ideas for the others?
     
    TerrisH said:
    ...oh dear. Enies lobby and the buster call on the marines own base. Thats going to be a huge wake up call for a lot of the marines this time around. A lot of the marines, even if they dislike the larger picture, are at least confident that they are out of reach from the negative effects simply because they are part of the marines, thus are willing to stand in the background. after the lobby, well, marines will be shown willing to attack their own for no good reason. they are not safe.
    A lot of the neutrals will be picking a side after that, and I would not be surprised if a few bases enter states of open rebellion.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    I have no expectation really of any arc playing correctly after Skyopiea if at all. Enies Lobby, Impel Down and even Water 7 may not play out the same OR AT ALL. Bit worried about recruiting Franky again (as I've mentioned before) and now I'm wondering if Robin will integrate completely and properly into the crew again. Water 7/Enies Lobby is what really cemented it in the crew AND Robin's mind that YES, they are nakama.

    Let alone all the time they spent there getting the Thousand Sunny constructed. The particular emotional events/overtones that affected everyone there. etc etc etc
     
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    Monshroud said:
    If Chopper needs to balance his Super Intelligence, I suggest that perhaps he should also focus on other traits humans have.

    Spiritual, Emotional and Social, for example!

    Though, focusing on enhancing one of these aspects over the others could have weird/scary/funny effects as well!

    Intellectual Chopper was a Mad-Scientist, so...

    Spiritual Chopper, or Mahātmā Choppra, would be a reindeer Buddha/Jesus, whose highest priority is to be loving to oneself and others. Rather than being a weakness, his pacifism DEEPLY disturbs his "opponents", and his sermons tend to cause others to REALLY question their life-choices!

    Anyone have ideas for the others?
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    Perhaps....
    Social!Chopper?
    Would be a COMPLETE social butterfly, who would try to make friends with everyone(ala Gentarou Kisaragi), have the personality of a very genki highschooler, and would likely be pretty clingy to his friends.
    Maybe.
     
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    Y'know, I can't wait for the crew to get to Skypiea... with Cross' future knowledge, they can hoard up a bunch of seemingly "useless" items on the ground prior to them heading up into Skypiea, to trade to the Skypieans for a f*ckton of Dials!

    Although, if they aren't careful, Enel is probably gonna rip them all a new asshole.



    He can hear their hearts beating from miles away, can travel at the speed of lightning to (more or less) instantly teleport across the battlefield, is immune to nearly every attack imaginable with his Logia powers, can destroy entire frickin' islands when he gets serious, and if you do manage to temporarily neutralize his powers and kill him, he can *literally* bring himself back to life. He's skilled enough to hold his own in a prolonged melee fight, and his physical attacks crack and splinters the ground when he stomps it.

    Enel is one scary motherf*cker.

    Not invincible, but scary as f*ck.
     
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