When It Ends
"One ought to hold on to one's heart; for if one lets it go, one soon loses control of the head too." - Friedrich Nietzsche.
---
Roboute Guilliman was not a man of stone. Every action he took was one that he believed to be the most pragmatic and logical, but not without a touch of humanity. He understood that he decided the fate of hundreds of billions daily, that his empire and his part in maintaining the wellbeing of the greater Imperium necessitated making difficult decisions. However, the events of Tomesir and the decision made there did not feel right. It was necessary, but that didn't make what he did any less painful or revolting in his mind.
And that he was the one responsible for it all caused feelings of doubt of his capabilities. He analyzed every possible solution straight to accepting a "defeat" and allow Tomesir to go about their business in relative isolation. It would've been easy enough; he could've even worked on some arrangement with the world's ruler, Cyria Kalishiv. Even if she failed to accept peace, he could've ordered for a blockade of Tomesir and waited for the world to beg for the Imperiums aid.
But they had to screw around with those bloody machines, and a Titan no less. The Mechancium demanded action,
retribution against the so-called "heathens" of Tomesir. First, they tried with the Imperial Army, but when Tomesir refused to break, the Ultramarines were called to ensure compliance. Roboute was a conqueror, a tyrant, but he never saw himself as having any manner of "divine" right or the allowance to declare if someone was or wasn't faithful. He and Corax had argued similar points with those bloody Cathrics. But at least their God demanded only spiritual purity instead of the worship of machines that no one in this galaxy even knew how to build anymore.
He had brought worlds to heel through combined arms and diplomacy, and even though the use of exterminatus weapons. Those were hard choices, but they were so rare and few. He never used them unless he had to. The Lord of Macragge didn't
kill worlds without due cause. Maybe he was too stubborn or prideful, but Robute was good at ending wars without such wanton destruction. He could do better because he had done it time and time again.
However, when his brothers asked for his aid in the war against these "warp entities" and called upon his skills to aid their personal crusade, Roboute had to deal with other obligations, and Tomesir was the one that could not escape his attention. He tried one last final approach to political decorum, asking Cyria for the technicians that had desecrated the Titan. Roboute spoke with the finality of a judge about to pass his sentence.
Cyria denied him all the same, "You wouldn't give your men up either. You'd do the same in my place. That is why people obey our orders, Lord of Macragge. They live and die by our words. But right now, you will be the one that decides how much further this war goes. I ask for peace, will you not take the offer?"
Ultimately, he did not take it. He ordered one final assault against Tomesir, hoping to break their morale and conviction. The Emperors Greatest were unable to break either, and time soon ran out. His brothers could not wait, not after they too have prepared for the coming crusade.
Roboute refused to be the weak link. He would not allow himself to be undermined by a single world, no matter how strong or resilient or the respect he owed the people of Tomesir. The world had to die
now.
As Roboute watched it die in real-time, he felt something foreign yet almost familiar. It felt revolting, painful almost. It clutched at his heart and mind, hours after the death of Tomesir. His efforts working allowed for the pain to dull, but it crept back during moments of solitude.
The Primarch knew something was wrong when it occupied his idle thoughts, memories of Cyria's grim face, and her last unspoken words, and the death screams of billions dying followed by a cold silence. It took him a few more days to realize that it was the same feeling from when he was a young lord, barely out of the shadow of his father, Konor Guilliman. By then, Robotues mother had been trying to help him understand what was at stake and that his ascension to the next Lord was inevitable. She wanted him to be prepared, but Roboute was ready, had been for years now.
He called his mother's advice that of an insistent "nagging," and after a few arguments, he had enough and told her that she had no right to claim that she knew what was best. That she needed to drop the facade that she was his "mother," and she knew what was "best for her son."
Roboute would never forget the lock of shock, betrayal, and
hurt that appeared on his mother's face. When she obeyed his request to leave, it took the then future Lord of Macragge to feel awful and alone. It took him the better part of a week to gather the courage to apologize to her and get her forgiveness. Thankfully, his mother was a kinder person than most believed, but that he almost burned that bridge over his ego sat with him for the longest time. Over time that feeling went away, replaced with superiority and confidence that came with seeing the Realm of Ultramar flourish and grow.
Now, however, he remembered what this emotion was called...shame. Roboute felt shame over this event. All his superiority, all his prowess of war and diplomacy, and his meticulous nature towards every little detail, the Primarch lost sight of the little picture. There was...
had been a solution. He just hadn't seen it in time or perhaps refused to look at it.
He was wise enough to admit that while his arrogance wasn't the core contributor to this failure, it fed into this disaster. No one would question his decision, at least not to his face and the Imperium was content. The Machine Cult was even
satisfied with the outcome, although they privately chided or moaned at the Primarchs failure to secure the technologies of Tomesir. In the end, Roboute was backed into a corner, complete with time constraints and a possible pyrrhic victory. He wasn't to waste any more time or lives or resources.
Damn the consequences, and damn those that resisted him.
Kesar understood, as did the Khan and even the Lord of Iron. "Sometimes, you are forced into an unwinnable situation. Besides, we need you here." Perturabos words were harsh and blunt, but they were also empty of rebukes or pettiness.
They also offered no substitute or answer. Roboute almost felt like he needed an affirmation that he had done the
wrong thing. This wasn't like all the other times. He couldn't just display the images with cold logic or seasoned pragmatism. Such things didn't dispel the images in his mind or the sounds blaring in his mind.
For the first time in decades, Roboute felt as if he had to question what he was doing out here.
And just like before, he had no answers.
---
A month passed, and Roboute's mind had calmed down. He allowed himself to focus on the more important things, which gave his mind a much-needed reprieve from the previous events. He was almost thankful for the amount of work that Perturbo had in store for him and his legion.
"Idle hands are the devils' playground," Corax told him that after the Cathric Compliance. Roboute didn't know the context for this "devil," but he understood its meaning. There was plenty of work to be done. A great war to help ensure went off smoothly and efficiently.
Around this point, his sons advised him that another Primarch was approaching the system they were in currently.
The Primarch of the Iron Hands and The Gorgon of Medusa, Ferrus Manus.
And that, of course, made the Ultramarines Primarch a tad on edge. Roboute and Ferrus's relationship was complicated. Both men had great respect towards one another, but neither was even sure if they'd call each other friends. Truth told Roboute considered Ferrus to be one of the greatest Primarchs among their brothers.
Ferrus had his issues, but he also had one of the most extensive lists of successful compliances among them, and none of them were easy. Corvus and Roboute both considered Ferrus and the Iron Hands the type they'd call in to help handle particular dangerous compliance. He wasn't like Mortarian or Angron; there was still a consciousness to his style of leadership. Besides, Fulgrim acted a good counter-balance to all Ferrus's shortcomings and vice-versa.
Embarrassing as it was to admit it, Roboute was sure that Ferrus didn't hold the Lord of Macragge in such high esteem. Roboute and Ferrus had also argued extensively during one of the earliest joint compliances some decades ago, back when their Father returned to Terra and wanted to promote one of them to Warmaster.
But even after all of that, Roboute still held Ferrus as one of the greatest among them. Even
if Roboute still considered himself to be one of the best leaders.
In any case, when the Fist of Iron entered the system, Roboute welcomed his brother onto the Macragge's Honour with open arms. Another distraction from those infernal thoughts would do Roboute well. However, it was Ferrus that asked him to join on board his ship.
Although the last part of Ferrus's message was a tad concerning...
"Prepare for some sparring. I won't take no for an answer."
---
Roboute had been on the Fist of Iron several times before, most of them purely ceremonial. He never actually explored much of its inner workings. Upon arriving on the Fist, and going through the subsequent ceremonies and events befitting the arrival of a fellow Primarch and his Honor Guard, Roboute was asked to wait inside Ferrus's office as he finished some minor preparations for an event in the Lord of Macragge honor.
As he stepped inside the rather spacious but spartan office, Roboute was almost shocked to see an out of place object standing right above the Gorgon desk.
It was a piece of artwork. Since when did Ferrus indulge in Fulgrim's hobbies? He almost laughed before he was caught staring at the painting and then felt dreadfully uncomfortable.
To his relief, the doors to the office opened, and in came Ferrus. The dour and controlled face of the Gorgon did not smile or smirk towards the Lord of Macragge, but he did approach and soundly grip the arms of Roboute in a martial greeting. Roboute felt the cold chill of the metal limbs but paid no mind to it.
"Brother."
"Ferrus." Roboute cracked a small smile; furthermore, he patted the Iron Firsts shoulder.
Even with such a stilted greeting, both men fell into a comfortable silence as they started speaking of past and current events.
---
A few hours passed as the two Primarchs spoke to each other. Roboute kept the events involving the Maelstrom of the discussion. Instead, the two focused on their respective empires and legion status. Ferrus was blunt, but unlike Perturbo, he spoke of his legion vast improvements and successes with the Emperor's Children.
Fulgrim, the exaggerated peacock, was a good influence on Ferrus. Roboute recognized that Kesar was like that for Perturbo. Perhaps in some ways, Corvus was like that with the Ultramar Lord or even vice versa? In any case, Roboute was satisfied to hear that both legions had fairly successful compliances.
Of course, that soon caused the discussion to turn to such things. It was around that point that Ferrus brought up a rather sore subject.
"I was told there was an issue with a compliance. A world called Tomesir." It was mentioned so casually, and Roboute was caught up looking at that damn painting again.
"Yes." Roboute's response was curt, "Word travels fast."
"When you hear it from Perturbo himself, I suppose." Ferrus didn't smirk or sound coy. "I was told by Kesar that it was a no-win situation for you."
Roboute heard a brief scream and saw Cyria's defiant gaze, "It wasn't ideal, yes." He pushed aside the thoughts and tried not to think about them. "I heard you are chasing a fleet that is due for some retribution and justice."
"Whose justice?" For the first time, Roboute saw Ferrus frown, "From what I can tell, it will be mostly refugees."
"And?" Roboute felt something bitter in his mouth, "When has that stopped any of us? What's another few billion to add to the butchers' bill."
There was a brief reign of black silence before Ferrus spoke up, "You don't mean that, Guilliman." The Gorgon scoffed before leaning back into his considerable large chair. "Out of all the people among us, save for Vulkan, you are one of the biggest proponents of trying not to end life."
"Is that supposed to be a compliment? Vulkan tries to save as many people as he can, and what has that given him?"
Ferrus shrugged, "A clean consciousness. Something you evidently lack right now."
Roboute was taken aback at the lackadaisical response from Ferrus, "What has Vulkan done that makes you think he has a clean consciousness? He's more than aware of the billions that died due to his actions. Especially with what will happen if he gets his reforms going!"
"Because he tries." Ferrus stared daggers at Roboute, "And you do as well. Your arrogance and superiority are a shield for your over-inflated ego, but you are one someone that also tries to save lives and resolve things diplomatically." He held up a metal hand to stop the Lord of Ultramar's rebuttal, "You aren't perfect in those regards, but neither is Vulkan. None of us are, no matter how much Fulgrim says otherwise, which means we are prone to mistakes. And when it happens, it eats away at our souls."
He almost laughed at what was happening, "Are you...trying to offer some advice over what happened at Tomesir? Ferrus, I am fine."
"You've been staring at the paint above me this entire time." Roboute blinked when he heard that. Was it that obvious? "Mesmerizing, isn't it? It's called
Guernica. It's a dedication of a tragedy from Old Earth, a mass killing of civilians. A reminder of the smallest cruelties that war can afflict, both upon the victims and ourselves. Someone wanted to recall the guilt they must have felt upon seeing whatever slaughter that took place."
Roboute felt anger bubbling up now, "I am not guilty of doing anything outside of letting things escalate to the point of no return."
"I never accused you of being guilty of a crime." Ferrus remarked flatly, "But you feel guilt over what happened. Kesar mentioned feeling a sense of dread around you, almost like a spirit of apathy and regret walked into the room."
The Lord of Macragge stood up, turning his back from the painting and the Gorgon, "Kesar thinks he understands us all, that one or two meetings and he has us pinned. But he continues to assume things."
"One doesn't need to assume that what happened at Tomesir didn't get to you." Ferrus pointed out, especially without how Roboute was responding. "Roboute,
brother, I am sorry about what happened. It obviously affected you greatly, more than you've let on..."
"Ferrus," Roboute sighed and looked back at the Gorgon, "What happened with Tomesir was...I could've stopped it from getting that bad. I can't make excuses for myself because I know I could have brought it into compliance peacefully. It wasn't a lack of time or outside interference. I failed to find a solution." He paused as he considered that notion, "I've had disasters, but those were for reasons I couldn't control. This was entirely preventable."
"Roboute, you do know you aren't an infallible person, correct?" Ferrus's tone could almost be considered teasing, but the Gorgon didn't
tease. "I'm not going to say what happened is or isn't your fault. But you need to realize this truth: what's done is
done. You have to accept and learn from what happened, something you are more than capable of understanding."
"I wish it was that simple..." Roboute rubbed his face for a moment, "I can't tell my thoughts just to ignore it."
"You aren't supposed to, but this guilt you are feeling, right?" Ferrus stood up now and approached his brother, "You have to let it go. If you feel as if you can't escape it, then find a means to make amends and put things right."
Roboute scoffed, "Put things right with who?! Tomesir...Cyria and her people are all gone. There is no one to make things right with now. Only ghosts and a single monument on some dead world to identify that they even existed." He looked away and grimaced at the thoughts that came rushing back, "When does this all end? This shame and guilt."
"Only when you allow it too. And the best way to do that is to make those amends. If you can't with the people that were harmed, then go and find someone else to help." Ferrus remarked flatly, "Roboute, I wish I can give you some answers or closer to this, but I can't. I am not suited for it, but I am here to listen and offer my advice. We both know that things aren't going to get better, and the choices ahead of us will be hard. But we both know people in the galaxy need help, and out of all of us, you are one of the few who have the qualification and capabilities to do something."
"Heh, that's..." Roboute was actually touched, "Thank you, Ferrus. Hearing that from you means a lot."
"Does it?" Ferrus was confused, "You have a high opinion of me; then, something only Fulgrim seems to have these days."
Roboute gave him a half-grin, "Well, you are the best of us in comparison."
To Roboute's surprise, Ferrus shook his head after hearing that compliment, "No, Roboute. I never will be the leader the likes of you or Horus or Fulgrim. You especially represent the best of us all, the one that can actually make a better civilization for everyone. You have Vulkans compassion but Horus's pragmatism and Fulgrims diligence, to name a few."
"Now, you are just feeding my ego." Roboute smiled at his brother, "Which I've been told several times is quite large."
"Yes, your lack of self-awareness is something to address as well." Ferrus's flat response was so dry that Roboute almost missed the humor in it, "But I have a solution for that as well. Let us go for a spar." The Gorgon's tone would broker no argument.
Roboute felt an approaching sense of danger now, "Yes...right, a spar. A friendly spar, maybe a few rounds."
Then Ferrus did something that shocked Roboute to the core. Ferrus started to
laugh. Roboute doubted even Fulgrim heard his brother laugh with such
vicious joy.
"Oh no, my dear brother. I do believe our spar will be a rather bloody affair." The grin on his face would've made Leman proud and probably would've caused Fulgrim to take a pict to remember the moment. "Did you know that I personally built an arena onboard the Fist for such occasions? It's designed so men like us can go all out in a fight. Allow us to test each other out to our fullest."
"Hmm," Roboute tried not to sound nervous, "Ferrus, I'm not exactly the best fighter among our brothers. Certainly better than Magnus, but his psychic powers tend to give a rather versatile edge."
"All the more reason to enjoy and learn from the moment!" Ferrus remarked loudly, "The more you bleed in training, the less you do in war!" The Gorgon was clearly excited. "Put your worries and concerns into your strikes, Roboute! Allow the arena to cleanse your soul, let the haze wash over you, just for these moments to allow for clarity of purpose and reason."
For a moment, Roboute wondered if any of his brothers would believe him when he saw Ferrus getting visibly excited over something. Perhaps he could've made an excuse to get out of this situation, but after this attempt by the Gorgon to reach out and provide some insight, maybe even a chance to vent his frustrations, Roboute owed Ferrus this much.
Maybe it would also help him.
"Very well," Roboute grimaced as he nodded, "I suppose I should get a bit of practice in the martial styles against a worthy and dangerous opponent."
"That's the spirit." Ferrus sent him another grin, "A few hours will do us both good."
"...a few hours? Hrm, right." Roboute wasn't getting any planning done tonight; that much was certain. Still, as both he and Ferrus exited the room, he spared one last glance over at
Guernica. His thoughts were still filled with Tomesir and Cyria, the screams, and the blinding light, but there was also something new that grew alongside those memories.
A purpose, to do better and to make things right. Whatever that would be remained unclear for now, but Roboute would figure it out. Mayhaps Ferrus could even knock some sense into his head while they fought in this arena of his, maybe at least for tonight, the pain and exhaustion and the company of his brother would allow for a brief reprieve from the shame and guilt and grief. He wondered when it would end...but then again, nothing truly ever ended.
---
@Daemon Hunter Okay, a bit of Roboute thoughts on what happened most recently.