Awakening
FortePlus
The THRILL from Green Hill
- Location
- Toronto
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I'd advise people to read the content warnings, there's...a lot in this chapter and it will represent a turning point in the story that I've been trying to set up for a bit. Thanks for all of your support so far, and hopefully you enjoy this next installment.
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Scarlet Justice - ep. 20
"Awakening"
---
"I'm telling you guys. We need to get back to the society we had way back when, where men had more respect for women and themselves."
Zen has cooked steak and vegetables for us, while Airi finishes baked treats for dessert. It's the first good meal in a while, and it's delicious. It seems I was right about Zen, he knows how to handle himself no matter the situation.
"What the hell, old man. This bullshit again?" Toki says.
"Yes, again. Women shouldn't be restricted to the kitchen, and men shouldn't just go out to hunt and gather all day, then trudge home and help themselves to their wives' bodies whenever they please. It's damn gross and erodes family values."
"You think so, huh. What's your ideal, then?" Kurenai asks him.
"Has to be a partnership. Not every woman is going to cook well, but she might be good at just baking things, for example. She might have a knack for home maintenance. Things like that. Figure out how to support her best. As for us men, we need to be well-rounded." He points his chopsticks at Toki. "Jokers like this are too plentiful, and a lot of bright young women have had their lives ruined as a result."
"Sorry that not everyone wants to become a housewife like you," Toki says with a smirk. "You're just mad that I pull tail like no tomorrow."
"I'm mad that you can't even take care of yourself. You're a child in a man's body. No woman should be forced to babysit guys like you, and then get themselves trapped by the little mindgames you play. It's sad." Zen shakes his head. "Men have to have a solid foundation, not only for their own survival, but that of their wives and families."
"What do you make of relationships between the same sex?" Shino asks. Jumping right into it, huh.
"Who cares about what those fa-"
"Toki. Please."
Everyone turns their head to look at Airi, who for the first time speaks. There's a stern, disapproving look on her face. Even with her attitude, it seems she can stand up to Toki's antics. She also seems very calm around Zen, where I would expect a person like that to feel under constant pressure from his intense energy at times. I do wonder...
"Thanks, Airi. Talking about gay people, then? Men?" Zen asks Shino.
"Perhaps women in this case." This guy. Seriously.
Zen shrugs. "I can't lie and say I know exactly how the roles work for lesbians, but it's the same sort of thing. Live well, gain knowledge, and make sure you can be independent. These days, though, a man's romance isn't strictly for men." He crosses his arms in thought. "There are quite a few older ladies I know that just aren't out in public. You know how people get when it comes to girls loving girls. Guys, they'll let slide a bit...heaven knows why, but they do. Girls, they're the life-bringers, so it's taken a lot more seriously. I don't pretend to understand it."
"Do...you think it's wrong?" Kurenai asks cautiously.
"Nope. Love who you want to. I'm honestly too old to put up a fuss, maybe a younger me would have cared slightly more. And I know too much as it is. Historical research brings a lot of things to light, if you know what I mean."
"I think I do."
We finish a delicious meal in peace, and I help Airi clean up. She still looks very boyish because of her precautions, but I'm fully aware of her womanhood now.
"Shino is...very lucky to have you," she says quietly as we finish rinsing our items.
"Is he..."
"Yes. Some boys aren't...very tactful." Her smile tells me all I need to know.
"So you saw that much from here, then."
"Your aura is hard to miss. Promise you won't steal my heart away before the end of this mission," she jokes.
I laugh gently. "Very well. I'll spare you this time, Airi. Do you have a man you're returning to?"
"I do. I think he's...ready to take my hand, very soon."
"Good luck, then. I hope you both have a happy union."
"Thank you, Lili."
It's getting late, so we decide to set up camp. The morning will be a good time to continue our journey properly. Everyone gets to bed, with Team Eight doing rotating watch. Shino wakes me, and I slip out of my sleeping bag to replace him. I can see the stars in the night sky, bright and shining.
I wonder what the new day will bring. Hopefully nothing but good things and high spirits. Better fortunes and stronger bonds. I long for that much at this moment.
The cool desert winds refresh me every so often, as I sit still on a rock near the camp. It's a few hours before I hear distinct footsteps and recognize her scent from far away.
"Time to switch," Kurenai says as she reaches me. "I'm going to be taking care of Hinata's part, too. She's exhausted right now..."
"I see. Thank you, Kurenai."
She nods and I head back, getting into my sleeping bag again and curling up. My head is turned towards Hinata...she has a pained expression on her face as she sleeps.
"..."
I curse my helplessness once more. But...there's nothing that I can do. Not yet.
---
"Just a few more hours and this shitty trip is over."
I sigh as Toki starts to complain yet again from inside of the wagon. Mid-morning in the desert, on the last leg of our journey. This brat is supremely irritating...I haven't been able to get any sleep or rest because of him, and now he's just spouting all kinds of nonsense. He should count his lucky stars that he's a listed client for the mission.
"Toki...there's no need to be rude," Airi scolds in her quiet tone.
"Shut the fuck up. You've only got one job here, and it's not to lecture me."
I start to open my mouth so I can put him in his place, but then I feel the wagon come to a stop suddenly. Zen is talking to someone outside...I can't make out who. Kurenai and Hinata are outside with him, so it should be okay. I nod to Shino and start to position myself near the door-
"The fuck is going on, old man?" Toki whines.
"There are more people inside!" a voice yells.
"You dumbass!" Zen shouts back.
I hurry outside, with Shino and the others following. There is definitely a problem, and...yes, here we are.
Bandits.
Lots of them.
"Shit," Zen mutters. "Alright, get yourselves ready! Airi, gonna need you at your station!"
"Yes..." She pulls out a scroll and gets ready to open it. From the looks of it...it's a standard barrier scroll. Good enough to withstand some attacks while the users remain in place. Zen draws a sword from his side as he drops to the ground, and Toki has come out with his own blade.
"We'll be able to withstand some attacks with that barrier in place. Pick these assholes off one by one, like we have in the past. Nothing to it."
"No."
Zen looks at Kurenai. "What? What's wrong?"
"These aren't normal bandits. Their stances, those odd tools on them...they're trained."
"That's...you serious?"
"Very. They're either former shinobi, academy dropouts, or they've been trained by a shinobi themselves. And the numbers...I can pick out forty of them at the least. A bunch of them are definitely lying in wait to overwhelm us."
"We can't deal with that many," Zen says. "If they're trained, and there are only, what...seven of us? With only the four of you well trained..."
"Can that barrier cover the whole wagon?" she asks.
"Yeah, without a doubt."
"Okay. The three of you need to huddle inside of the wagon and put the barrier up. We'll do our best to handle things out here."
"Shit...alright, let's go. Airi, Toki! With me!" Zen yells.
"You're not seriously gonna listen to this-"
"Toki! We're going! Airi, go on and set the barrier up!"
"Yes...!"
"Fuck that! I'm taking these losers on even if I have to do it myself! They're just bandits!"
"Toki! Dammit!" Zen tries to pull the younger man away, but he's pushed off roughly. Clicking his teeth, he runs towards the wagon alone, where a light green barrier forms a dome around the wagon and restless horses. The rest of us take position ahead, with Toki brandishing his sword dramatically.
"You're just making yourself a liability," Shino says to Toki.
"Fuck yourself, freak." He flexes a bicep and grunts. "I'm more than enough to take on some punk bandits. Just stay out of my way."
"Team, cover your angles. Keep them away from the cargo as much as possible. Hopefully they don't have much in the way of long range attacks...they seem more suited for close range. Stay defensive for now until we can gather more information."
The four of us back into a circular formation around the wagon, trying to cover each of the major directions as the bandits start to creep closer. I realize Kurenai is dead on; these people aren't moving like normal bandits would. It seems to be only marginally, but they have some sort of training, and a basic understanding of tactics. No clear leader, either...I taste the air and confirm the numbers. Exactly forty of them, and only five of us out here.
But we can do this if we play our cards smartly.
"Hey! Don't!"
Kurenai's yell comes too late. I turn my head to see Toki advancing at the same time a bandit does. He slashes at his enemy's side, seemingly taking him out of the picture.
"Take that, bitch! You're nothing!" he gloats.
But he's wide open! Idiot! "Toki!" I yell.
Hinata is closest and leaves her position to save him, deflecting the other bandit's blade with her kunai. But her stance is weak, and she immediately loses her balance. The bandit strikes again and he just barely misses, his blade cutting into the top of Hinata's shoulder.
She loses it. I watch with despair as she screams and hits the ground, extremely slow to move.
"Forgot about me already, huh?!" Toki jumps in, only to be elbowed solidly in the gut. He crumples over and falls backwards as I rush in, determined to save Hinata. Two of them at the same time, no good!
"Assist!"
Shuriken rain down as covering fire, driving the bandits back as I launch smoke bombs at them simultaneously. They drop back and I drag Hinata and Toki to cover behind a large rock. More smoke and a few explosive tags to throw up more debris.
"Sensei! Shino! I need time for first aid!"
"I've got it!" Kurenai calls back. "I can buy you five minutes! Shino, with me! Full protection!"
I toss out another smoke bomb and then decide that it will have to do for now. There's no more time. Hinata is shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, and Toki is folded up like a wet rag. Serves the homophobe right, though I don't want him to die here. Even he doesn't deserve that much. He's unconscious, but fine.
I slip Hinata's arms out of her jacket and can see blood leaking from the wound on her left shoulder. I roll up my sleeves and then reach into her pouch for the medical supplies she always has on her, like the thoughtful person she always is.
"L-Lili...I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she cries out. "I'm so sorry! I'm so weak, so worthless...it hurts so much, I can't even...please! It hurts! I'm so scared!"
"Hinata, be calm...I'm right here." I disinfect her wound and she screams out in pain...it's making me tremble with agony, watching her like this. She's breaking down. She's falling apart right in front of me. The screaming shifts into painful sobs.
"I...I can't go on," she chokes out. "I can't d-do it...I'm so tired! He was right about me...all along, he knew I wasn't good enough!"
It hurts.
"Not as a leader, not as a fighter...!"
I want to cry. I want to burst into tears hearing this, but I have to dress this wound.
"Not as a woman! I'm nothing! I don't have anything left!"
"..." I finish with the bandage as she starts to hyperventilate. Her eyes stare into mine, and I can see nothing but despair. She loathes herself. She hates herself and everything she is. She sees nothing. No future, not a life after this moment.
"I quit...I'm a quitter," she whispers. "I'm sorry...for being a weight around your neck."
"Hinata..."
"Lili...I'm...nothing. Let me...bleed."
I can't look at this any longer.
"Just...let me disappear. Please," she pleads. "Please..."
There are words caught in my throat. A pain too deep for words.
I shove aside that pain, and force those words upwards. I won't allow this. I won't run away. I promised. I promised! I promised!
I'm going to save her!
"Hinata."
"I know it...I know you-"
"No," I interrupt. The noises of battle are so faint, somehow. As if we're standing in a box, shielded from the world itself. This is what I need...for it just to be us. "I want you to know the truth. I want you to know the reality of everything."
"The...truth?"
"Yes. The truth is that I love you, Hinata."
"Huh...?" Her mouth flaps open, but with no sound.
"I love you, with all of my heart," I repeat calmly. I am no longer trembling and hurting. I have to believe in the love that I will give her, and I do. Right now, I believe in it more than anything. "I'll do anything for you. I'll fight for you. I'll struggle for you. I'll die for you. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what you become, no matter what path you choose...I will always be by your side."
"Love...me...? You love me? Lili?" And in the struggle she has with herself, I can see it...the faintest of lights, shining in the distance. But it's a light. And it's there.
I will make it grow.
"Yes. I love you," I repeat again. I will say it as many times as it takes. "I always will. I see myself in you...someone who worked so very hard to please her father. Someone who devoted herself, body and soul, to the first and most important man in her life. Someone who was thrown away because she wasn't good enough. Because she wasn't useful. Someone who walked through the darkness...scared to death, hurt beyond compare, and alone. You had nothing...you had no one."
She can see the reflection. "You...too?"
"Yes. Me too," I say with tears in my eyes. "Your pain touches my heart, Hinata. I've been where you are right now. I know you have a wonderful, beautiful soul. I know that you're a kind person, so determined to do the right thing. I know that you want to be strong. But you have to find your strength. You...have to stand up. Hinata, there's only so much...that I can do."
"Lili...why me?" she asks, shaking. "Why choose me?"
"Because you were the one I wanted. There was nobody else to choose," I say, feeling an echo. I remember my sister's warm smile, the way she looked at me that day among the flowers. "I see a kindness in you that nobody else has. I see a blessed strength that only you can use to brighten the world. I was lost, just like you. But someone so precious to me came and poured love into me. They filled me with it, and made me whole. I'm here because of that. I'm not just a discarded tool anymore. I'm someone special...I'm able to become my own woman."
She shakes her head. "I c-can't...Lili, I can't...I don't have..."
I place my hands on her cheeks. I...can see it. I can reach just a bit more. I have to, because I love Hinata. I have to save her. I can't give up.
"There's going to be fear...and pain...and times where you feel tired and lost, and that you can't go on. But I promise you on everything that I am...that I'll be here for you. Because you're precious, you're irreplacable, you...give me happiness. I'll be here for you, because I love you."
The explosions and sounds of weapons are getting louder.
She's trying desperately to fight.
But I can see the memories of the past are pulling at her, holding her back. The words, the actions of her father. The sleepless nights. The days filled with loathing and tears.
Please. Stand up. Please, Hinata. Stand up. You can do it.
Please, don't give up. Don't disappear. Because if I lost you...
...
I can't do anything else from where I am. I can only look into the slowly dimming light in her eyes, and shed tears.
"I'm scared. I...don't know what to do," she whispers.
"..."
"The...only thing I do know...is...is that..."
She places her hands over mine. And suddenly, the dimming light explodes outwards, bright and pure and true. I can feel my tears dry and my heart skip a beat as I look at Hinata, her eyes brighter and clearer than I have ever seen before. She is so very weary...and yet, so very beautiful right now.
"I love you, Lili."
And her voice is pure like crystal as she says those words. They sink into me, they fill me with a joy that I've only known only twice in my life.
From my mother. And from my Midori.
"Help me find my way, Lili. I want to be a woman...my own woman. Not for Hyuuga."
We slowly rise to our feet. Together.
"Not for my father. Not for anyone else. Only for him...the one I gave my heart to so long ago...and for you. My precious sister."
"Hinata..."
"I want to be a worthy vessel," she says with determination. "A...vessel to carry it all. Love and courage...and the Will of Fire itself. I want to find my strength."
"I made a promise. I swear, I will help you find your way. All you ever have to do is follow me," I say.
"I understand...yes, I understand. Because you gave me another chance...you placed this light into my soul, and poured love and compassion and caring onto it until it grew and blossomed into this. I will love you forever...because you loved me when I had nothing left, and asked for nothing in return."
I want to hug her. I want to tell her how beautiful she is, I want to nurture the light and strength growing inside of her. I want to hold her in my arms and soothe her soul.
But there's no time. The sounds of battle come in, full force.
"Lili! I can't give you any more time, I'm sorry!"
Kurenai.
I look at Hinata. She nods and draws a kunai, wincing in pain but moving forward with me.
"Sensei! We're back in!" I yell.
"Thank goodness! Shino, formation shift! Get ready to cover the girls!" Kurenai calls back. "Hinata, report!"
"Injury to left shoulder! Still combat capable, sensei!"
"Good girl! Let's bring this show to a close once we meet up!"
"Dammit...Toki," I mutter. Blasted moron.
"...I'll carry him. My combat strength is down, but I should be able to do this much." Hinata doubles back and hoists Toki over her good shoulder, forcing her to carry her kunai in her left hand.
"Keep close," I say. The smoke and dust is thinning. I can tell the bandits are after the cargo and don't want to suffer losses. They're attempting to wear us down...but it feels far too suspicious that way.
"Understood."
We take off, only to see bandits flying around and looking for weaknesses.
"Shoot...!"
Behind. There's one coming, aiming for Hinata. I turn and move. I accelerate.
I think of everything that has happened so far, everything that has driven me forward. I think about the rage I felt so often. I let it rush through me and I can feel power pour in. No bandit can stop me, and I'm upon him before he can react.
With a strong thrust, I drive my kunai into his chest. Blood shoots out and covers my right arm, and it splashes onto my face. It's warm. I swiftly turn and rip out my kunai, then kick his body away and into the dirt. He rolls to a stop.
He's lying there, lifeless. Dead.
I can feel the blood all over my arm and sliding down my face. My heart is racing. That was the first time I killed someone. I killed a man. A human being.
I'm...supposed to feel...?
I look down at my blood-soaked fingers. I lift them to my face. I...can smell the blood. It's not...it's not unusual. I realize what I want to do before I do it, and so my body takes over. I bring my hand close to my mouth, and reach out with my tongue. I lick the blood and taste it.
It's all wrong from what I'm supposed to know.
It's a delicious taste.
Everything starts becoming clearer, somehow. This...feeling. This want. The rumbling inside of me that wants to go away, but that didn't come about because of the blood on my tongue. No...I know exactly what this is.
"Hinata."
"Yes."
I turn to face her. She doesn't flinch. "I'm a natural born killer. Do I frighten you? Are you ashamed of me?"
"I am...frightened. There's a terrifying strength that...I can see. Your eyes are glowing. But...you will never shame me. You're Lili. You always will be to me."
Entirely too precious. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve much, monster that I've become.
I killed someone, and I enjoyed it.
Or...perhaps this is just the dissonance in this world. Killing is supposed to be wrong. Killing is supposed to be a last resort. But what about the predators, whose function it is to hunt the prey of this world?
Is it wrong to want to kill? I don't know. I don't care about...the judgements of humans right now. But this is a thrilling feeling. It's not about being a hero, or reaching out towards justice. I didn't hurt. I didn't feel sick. And I didn't feel the emptiness that I expected.
No. I like it. No, more than that. I love it.
"If you truly feel that way, then...don't close your eyes. I'm going to slaughter all of this prey, and I'm going to take great pleasure in doing so."
"I understand."
My senses are sharper. I can feel all of the bodies through the air, the movements and sensations they cause. I activate my tracking technique and the pictures are crystal clear.
Hungry. Feels like it. I need to devour them, this prey that would dare to put my comrades in danger. But I can't lie to the world and play the part of an avenger.
I take a step forward before accelerating through the sand, towards an unsuspecting enemy with his back turned. I curl my arm around his throat and then pull back with my kunai, slicing his throat open. My body moves before the corpse can even hit the ground, shooting towards another victim; I ram my kunai into his throat and then slash outwards, blood spraying everywhere. His comrade nearby is blinded; I jump at him and plunge my bloodied kunai into his skull, slamming him into the ground.
I lick my lips. "Four down, then." A troublesome situation, thinking about it. Brutality and violence, at the flick of a switch. This murderous impulse is moving calmly...I can see and feel everything as I am. The strain, like that of anger held in tight, is not present. I feel...natural. Proper. The movement of the bandits brings more thoughts into my head, and I draw a second kunai to join the first.
An end...as my sensei wanted, I will deliver it.
"Sensei. Shino. Draw them in closer," I call out. Hinata has escaped behind me and towards the wagon, still carrying and protecting Toki.
"Kobayashi?" Shino asks, unnerved.
"Do that much for me. I'm going to devour them quickly and put an end to this...their menace, and this rumbling inside of my spirit."
"Lili...you don't sound right." Kurenai lands beside me, and her eyes widen as she notes my appearance.
"I'm sorry, Kurenai. I've developed a taste for killing. This...this is what I'm after right now."
"I see. Shino...do as she says, we're falling back towards the wagon."
"Sensei-"
"Shino. That's an order. Please, just...let Lili take care of it."
"Understood."
With the core of their opposition withdrawing, the bandits decide to press. Their original strategy is abandoned...they mean to come at us with pure numbers since they think we're tiring. Trained, but only enough to use the most rudimentary tactics.
Feels like a corporate job.
It's almost no fun this way, but I don't mind at this point. I just want my fill.
Happiness, then. Yes...I'm happy with this. I smile. I dash forward, adrenaline pumping. I start my dance and rip through the first person that I see, cutting into them so severely that they'll die the moment I pass by. Blood sprays out and splashes onto me as I move and thrust and slice, feeling my legs carry me at high speed. I cut into and through and beyond. I duck and spin and stab, over and over. I can feel my heart racing. An excitement coursing through me. This supreme enjoyment of everything that humans would call a sin. But I love this. The battlefield is my place. My hunting ground.
This is where I will reign forever.
They don't retreat. I don't know if it's because they don't want to, or I simply don't give them the opportunity. I oppress them. I frighten them. I slaughter them. I find their vital points without fail, and I rip and tear until they fall to pieces in front of me, their lives swallowed up in the viciousness of my hunt.
I don't feel the need to reassure myself about what I'm here for. This is what it is.
At last, there is one left. On his knees before me, he is powerless. Already broken, from the look in his eyes. He waits for me. I can feel blood weighing down my clothing, wet and starting to get sticky in the desert heat. On my hair, my face...splattered all over my armband with the Leaf symbol on it.
This one in front of me...
"I don't want it."
It's enough. The hunger is gone, with the rumbling inside of me stopped. To consume more, like common trash...unnecessary.
I drop my kunai in front of him. "Sensei."
"Right." Kurenai puts him into a genjutsu and knocks him out. Shino binds his limbs, and the two carry him back towards the wagon. I take a deep breath in and feel myself relax, slowly. The impulse fades to nothing. The consuming heat in my head disappears. Adrenaline fades, and my heart calms.
I shift back from the violent snake I was a moment ago, and into a girl with calm indifference on her face, covered with blood.
It still has that sweet, alluring taste to it. I don't know yet how to feel about it, but it's not an urgent issue, I suppose. I might like spilling it more than tasting it, anyways...
The barrier comes down around the wagon. The children pulling it are restless at the sight of me, but slowly calm down with help from Hinata. Toki is rubbing his stomach as he wakes up, and Airi gasps at the sight of me as she exits the wagon. Zen looks horrified.
"Kid...what happened to you?" he asks.
"I overdid it. I suppose I went too far...bullying all of this prey," I say flatly as I gesture to the bodies lying around us. "Something like that. I just wanted to protect Hinata. She means a lot. But...it turned out like this. Hm." I smile. "They all had to die, because that other part of me woke up from her slumber. I devoured them. And I would do it all over again, because I really liked it."
"...damn."
"My blood boils up sometimes," I say as I curl my fingers on one hand. "And so I have to respond to challenges like this. But it's enough. I can feel the points where it needs to stop, and so I stop. Far from a regular thing, off the battlefield anyways. I want to live a vaguely human life, at the end of the day."
"Thank heaven for small mercies," Zen says with a sigh. "But...we're alive. So I can't say anything else but thank you."
"Of course. More than just being our clients...you deserve to move ahead in your life. To dip my feet into darkness for the sake of innocents is a small thing, yes?"
He smirks nervously. "You sound like an old woman. How much darkness have you seen in your lifetime?"
I look to the sky, and smile sadly.
"You would cry if I told you just how much."
"...I see."
"Got something out of our prisoner here. Fuukudou Heavy Corporation. Does that bring anything to mind?" Kurenai asks Zen.
"Fuukudou Heavy...well, we were in the same town the other day, but we made sure to steer clear of them. So they couldn't have known about-"
"A-actually..."
We all turn to Toki, who is rubbing his head with a sheepish grin.
"I might have let it slip during a night out with some broads. You know how it is, right?"
Zen stares at him a moment before suddenly bursting into laughter.
"Is that all? I see, I see. Okay!"
"Really? Is it, old man?"
"Yeah! I'll just dock your pay for the next year, and use some of the dough to pay our shinobi friends extra for their services! Sounds like a win to me!"
"Haaaaaaaaaah?! You can't fuckin' do that!"
"Hahahaha! Sure I can! It's the least you can do, after almost getting us all killed!" Zen shoots back with a smile.
Things have ended on a good note. Everyone is safe and sound. The mission will go on as scheduled. I...will need to talk to Midori about this murderous pulse at some point.
I think with her help, I can get something out of this...aside from pleasure and bloodlust.
intense trauma, mental breakdowns, suicidal ideation, graphic violence, sadism, potentially unsavory things involving blood, murder, homophobia
this chapter has a little bit of everything, and if you see something I missed that might be harmful, I'm listening and will add it to the big list. but this is the beginning of what might be OW THE EDGE country for the story - there won't be sustained edge, but it will be A Thing from here on out.
this chapter has a little bit of everything, and if you see something I missed that might be harmful, I'm listening and will add it to the big list. but this is the beginning of what might be OW THE EDGE country for the story - there won't be sustained edge, but it will be A Thing from here on out.
Scarlet Justice - ep. 20
"Awakening"
---
"I'm telling you guys. We need to get back to the society we had way back when, where men had more respect for women and themselves."
Zen has cooked steak and vegetables for us, while Airi finishes baked treats for dessert. It's the first good meal in a while, and it's delicious. It seems I was right about Zen, he knows how to handle himself no matter the situation.
"What the hell, old man. This bullshit again?" Toki says.
"Yes, again. Women shouldn't be restricted to the kitchen, and men shouldn't just go out to hunt and gather all day, then trudge home and help themselves to their wives' bodies whenever they please. It's damn gross and erodes family values."
"You think so, huh. What's your ideal, then?" Kurenai asks him.
"Has to be a partnership. Not every woman is going to cook well, but she might be good at just baking things, for example. She might have a knack for home maintenance. Things like that. Figure out how to support her best. As for us men, we need to be well-rounded." He points his chopsticks at Toki. "Jokers like this are too plentiful, and a lot of bright young women have had their lives ruined as a result."
"Sorry that not everyone wants to become a housewife like you," Toki says with a smirk. "You're just mad that I pull tail like no tomorrow."
"I'm mad that you can't even take care of yourself. You're a child in a man's body. No woman should be forced to babysit guys like you, and then get themselves trapped by the little mindgames you play. It's sad." Zen shakes his head. "Men have to have a solid foundation, not only for their own survival, but that of their wives and families."
"What do you make of relationships between the same sex?" Shino asks. Jumping right into it, huh.
"Who cares about what those fa-"
"Toki. Please."
Everyone turns their head to look at Airi, who for the first time speaks. There's a stern, disapproving look on her face. Even with her attitude, it seems she can stand up to Toki's antics. She also seems very calm around Zen, where I would expect a person like that to feel under constant pressure from his intense energy at times. I do wonder...
"Thanks, Airi. Talking about gay people, then? Men?" Zen asks Shino.
"Perhaps women in this case." This guy. Seriously.
Zen shrugs. "I can't lie and say I know exactly how the roles work for lesbians, but it's the same sort of thing. Live well, gain knowledge, and make sure you can be independent. These days, though, a man's romance isn't strictly for men." He crosses his arms in thought. "There are quite a few older ladies I know that just aren't out in public. You know how people get when it comes to girls loving girls. Guys, they'll let slide a bit...heaven knows why, but they do. Girls, they're the life-bringers, so it's taken a lot more seriously. I don't pretend to understand it."
"Do...you think it's wrong?" Kurenai asks cautiously.
"Nope. Love who you want to. I'm honestly too old to put up a fuss, maybe a younger me would have cared slightly more. And I know too much as it is. Historical research brings a lot of things to light, if you know what I mean."
"I think I do."
We finish a delicious meal in peace, and I help Airi clean up. She still looks very boyish because of her precautions, but I'm fully aware of her womanhood now.
"Shino is...very lucky to have you," she says quietly as we finish rinsing our items.
"Is he..."
"Yes. Some boys aren't...very tactful." Her smile tells me all I need to know.
"So you saw that much from here, then."
"Your aura is hard to miss. Promise you won't steal my heart away before the end of this mission," she jokes.
I laugh gently. "Very well. I'll spare you this time, Airi. Do you have a man you're returning to?"
"I do. I think he's...ready to take my hand, very soon."
"Good luck, then. I hope you both have a happy union."
"Thank you, Lili."
It's getting late, so we decide to set up camp. The morning will be a good time to continue our journey properly. Everyone gets to bed, with Team Eight doing rotating watch. Shino wakes me, and I slip out of my sleeping bag to replace him. I can see the stars in the night sky, bright and shining.
I wonder what the new day will bring. Hopefully nothing but good things and high spirits. Better fortunes and stronger bonds. I long for that much at this moment.
The cool desert winds refresh me every so often, as I sit still on a rock near the camp. It's a few hours before I hear distinct footsteps and recognize her scent from far away.
"Time to switch," Kurenai says as she reaches me. "I'm going to be taking care of Hinata's part, too. She's exhausted right now..."
"I see. Thank you, Kurenai."
She nods and I head back, getting into my sleeping bag again and curling up. My head is turned towards Hinata...she has a pained expression on her face as she sleeps.
"..."
I curse my helplessness once more. But...there's nothing that I can do. Not yet.
---
"Just a few more hours and this shitty trip is over."
I sigh as Toki starts to complain yet again from inside of the wagon. Mid-morning in the desert, on the last leg of our journey. This brat is supremely irritating...I haven't been able to get any sleep or rest because of him, and now he's just spouting all kinds of nonsense. He should count his lucky stars that he's a listed client for the mission.
"Toki...there's no need to be rude," Airi scolds in her quiet tone.
"Shut the fuck up. You've only got one job here, and it's not to lecture me."
I start to open my mouth so I can put him in his place, but then I feel the wagon come to a stop suddenly. Zen is talking to someone outside...I can't make out who. Kurenai and Hinata are outside with him, so it should be okay. I nod to Shino and start to position myself near the door-
"The fuck is going on, old man?" Toki whines.
"There are more people inside!" a voice yells.
"You dumbass!" Zen shouts back.
I hurry outside, with Shino and the others following. There is definitely a problem, and...yes, here we are.
Bandits.
Lots of them.
"Shit," Zen mutters. "Alright, get yourselves ready! Airi, gonna need you at your station!"
"Yes..." She pulls out a scroll and gets ready to open it. From the looks of it...it's a standard barrier scroll. Good enough to withstand some attacks while the users remain in place. Zen draws a sword from his side as he drops to the ground, and Toki has come out with his own blade.
"We'll be able to withstand some attacks with that barrier in place. Pick these assholes off one by one, like we have in the past. Nothing to it."
"No."
Zen looks at Kurenai. "What? What's wrong?"
"These aren't normal bandits. Their stances, those odd tools on them...they're trained."
"That's...you serious?"
"Very. They're either former shinobi, academy dropouts, or they've been trained by a shinobi themselves. And the numbers...I can pick out forty of them at the least. A bunch of them are definitely lying in wait to overwhelm us."
"We can't deal with that many," Zen says. "If they're trained, and there are only, what...seven of us? With only the four of you well trained..."
"Can that barrier cover the whole wagon?" she asks.
"Yeah, without a doubt."
"Okay. The three of you need to huddle inside of the wagon and put the barrier up. We'll do our best to handle things out here."
"Shit...alright, let's go. Airi, Toki! With me!" Zen yells.
"You're not seriously gonna listen to this-"
"Toki! We're going! Airi, go on and set the barrier up!"
"Yes...!"
"Fuck that! I'm taking these losers on even if I have to do it myself! They're just bandits!"
"Toki! Dammit!" Zen tries to pull the younger man away, but he's pushed off roughly. Clicking his teeth, he runs towards the wagon alone, where a light green barrier forms a dome around the wagon and restless horses. The rest of us take position ahead, with Toki brandishing his sword dramatically.
"You're just making yourself a liability," Shino says to Toki.
"Fuck yourself, freak." He flexes a bicep and grunts. "I'm more than enough to take on some punk bandits. Just stay out of my way."
"Team, cover your angles. Keep them away from the cargo as much as possible. Hopefully they don't have much in the way of long range attacks...they seem more suited for close range. Stay defensive for now until we can gather more information."
The four of us back into a circular formation around the wagon, trying to cover each of the major directions as the bandits start to creep closer. I realize Kurenai is dead on; these people aren't moving like normal bandits would. It seems to be only marginally, but they have some sort of training, and a basic understanding of tactics. No clear leader, either...I taste the air and confirm the numbers. Exactly forty of them, and only five of us out here.
But we can do this if we play our cards smartly.
"Hey! Don't!"
Kurenai's yell comes too late. I turn my head to see Toki advancing at the same time a bandit does. He slashes at his enemy's side, seemingly taking him out of the picture.
"Take that, bitch! You're nothing!" he gloats.
But he's wide open! Idiot! "Toki!" I yell.
Hinata is closest and leaves her position to save him, deflecting the other bandit's blade with her kunai. But her stance is weak, and she immediately loses her balance. The bandit strikes again and he just barely misses, his blade cutting into the top of Hinata's shoulder.
She loses it. I watch with despair as she screams and hits the ground, extremely slow to move.
"Forgot about me already, huh?!" Toki jumps in, only to be elbowed solidly in the gut. He crumples over and falls backwards as I rush in, determined to save Hinata. Two of them at the same time, no good!
"Assist!"
Shuriken rain down as covering fire, driving the bandits back as I launch smoke bombs at them simultaneously. They drop back and I drag Hinata and Toki to cover behind a large rock. More smoke and a few explosive tags to throw up more debris.
"Sensei! Shino! I need time for first aid!"
"I've got it!" Kurenai calls back. "I can buy you five minutes! Shino, with me! Full protection!"
I toss out another smoke bomb and then decide that it will have to do for now. There's no more time. Hinata is shaking and sobbing uncontrollably, and Toki is folded up like a wet rag. Serves the homophobe right, though I don't want him to die here. Even he doesn't deserve that much. He's unconscious, but fine.
I slip Hinata's arms out of her jacket and can see blood leaking from the wound on her left shoulder. I roll up my sleeves and then reach into her pouch for the medical supplies she always has on her, like the thoughtful person she always is.
"L-Lili...I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she cries out. "I'm so sorry! I'm so weak, so worthless...it hurts so much, I can't even...please! It hurts! I'm so scared!"
"Hinata, be calm...I'm right here." I disinfect her wound and she screams out in pain...it's making me tremble with agony, watching her like this. She's breaking down. She's falling apart right in front of me. The screaming shifts into painful sobs.
"I...I can't go on," she chokes out. "I can't d-do it...I'm so tired! He was right about me...all along, he knew I wasn't good enough!"
It hurts.
"Not as a leader, not as a fighter...!"
I want to cry. I want to burst into tears hearing this, but I have to dress this wound.
"Not as a woman! I'm nothing! I don't have anything left!"
"..." I finish with the bandage as she starts to hyperventilate. Her eyes stare into mine, and I can see nothing but despair. She loathes herself. She hates herself and everything she is. She sees nothing. No future, not a life after this moment.
"I quit...I'm a quitter," she whispers. "I'm sorry...for being a weight around your neck."
"Hinata..."
"Lili...I'm...nothing. Let me...bleed."
I can't look at this any longer.
"Just...let me disappear. Please," she pleads. "Please..."
There are words caught in my throat. A pain too deep for words.
I shove aside that pain, and force those words upwards. I won't allow this. I won't run away. I promised. I promised! I promised!
I'm going to save her!
"Hinata."
"I know it...I know you-"
"No," I interrupt. The noises of battle are so faint, somehow. As if we're standing in a box, shielded from the world itself. This is what I need...for it just to be us. "I want you to know the truth. I want you to know the reality of everything."
"The...truth?"
"Yes. The truth is that I love you, Hinata."
"Huh...?" Her mouth flaps open, but with no sound.
"I love you, with all of my heart," I repeat calmly. I am no longer trembling and hurting. I have to believe in the love that I will give her, and I do. Right now, I believe in it more than anything. "I'll do anything for you. I'll fight for you. I'll struggle for you. I'll die for you. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what you become, no matter what path you choose...I will always be by your side."
"Love...me...? You love me? Lili?" And in the struggle she has with herself, I can see it...the faintest of lights, shining in the distance. But it's a light. And it's there.
I will make it grow.
"Yes. I love you," I repeat again. I will say it as many times as it takes. "I always will. I see myself in you...someone who worked so very hard to please her father. Someone who devoted herself, body and soul, to the first and most important man in her life. Someone who was thrown away because she wasn't good enough. Because she wasn't useful. Someone who walked through the darkness...scared to death, hurt beyond compare, and alone. You had nothing...you had no one."
She can see the reflection. "You...too?"
"Yes. Me too," I say with tears in my eyes. "Your pain touches my heart, Hinata. I've been where you are right now. I know you have a wonderful, beautiful soul. I know that you're a kind person, so determined to do the right thing. I know that you want to be strong. But you have to find your strength. You...have to stand up. Hinata, there's only so much...that I can do."
"Lili...why me?" she asks, shaking. "Why choose me?"
"Because you were the one I wanted. There was nobody else to choose," I say, feeling an echo. I remember my sister's warm smile, the way she looked at me that day among the flowers. "I see a kindness in you that nobody else has. I see a blessed strength that only you can use to brighten the world. I was lost, just like you. But someone so precious to me came and poured love into me. They filled me with it, and made me whole. I'm here because of that. I'm not just a discarded tool anymore. I'm someone special...I'm able to become my own woman."
She shakes her head. "I c-can't...Lili, I can't...I don't have..."
I place my hands on her cheeks. I...can see it. I can reach just a bit more. I have to, because I love Hinata. I have to save her. I can't give up.
"There's going to be fear...and pain...and times where you feel tired and lost, and that you can't go on. But I promise you on everything that I am...that I'll be here for you. Because you're precious, you're irreplacable, you...give me happiness. I'll be here for you, because I love you."
The explosions and sounds of weapons are getting louder.
She's trying desperately to fight.
But I can see the memories of the past are pulling at her, holding her back. The words, the actions of her father. The sleepless nights. The days filled with loathing and tears.
Please. Stand up. Please, Hinata. Stand up. You can do it.
Please, don't give up. Don't disappear. Because if I lost you...
...
I can't do anything else from where I am. I can only look into the slowly dimming light in her eyes, and shed tears.
"I'm scared. I...don't know what to do," she whispers.
"..."
"The...only thing I do know...is...is that..."
She places her hands over mine. And suddenly, the dimming light explodes outwards, bright and pure and true. I can feel my tears dry and my heart skip a beat as I look at Hinata, her eyes brighter and clearer than I have ever seen before. She is so very weary...and yet, so very beautiful right now.
"I love you, Lili."
And her voice is pure like crystal as she says those words. They sink into me, they fill me with a joy that I've only known only twice in my life.
From my mother. And from my Midori.
"Help me find my way, Lili. I want to be a woman...my own woman. Not for Hyuuga."
We slowly rise to our feet. Together.
"Not for my father. Not for anyone else. Only for him...the one I gave my heart to so long ago...and for you. My precious sister."
"Hinata..."
"I want to be a worthy vessel," she says with determination. "A...vessel to carry it all. Love and courage...and the Will of Fire itself. I want to find my strength."
"I made a promise. I swear, I will help you find your way. All you ever have to do is follow me," I say.
"I understand...yes, I understand. Because you gave me another chance...you placed this light into my soul, and poured love and compassion and caring onto it until it grew and blossomed into this. I will love you forever...because you loved me when I had nothing left, and asked for nothing in return."
I want to hug her. I want to tell her how beautiful she is, I want to nurture the light and strength growing inside of her. I want to hold her in my arms and soothe her soul.
But there's no time. The sounds of battle come in, full force.
"Lili! I can't give you any more time, I'm sorry!"
Kurenai.
I look at Hinata. She nods and draws a kunai, wincing in pain but moving forward with me.
"Sensei! We're back in!" I yell.
"Thank goodness! Shino, formation shift! Get ready to cover the girls!" Kurenai calls back. "Hinata, report!"
"Injury to left shoulder! Still combat capable, sensei!"
"Good girl! Let's bring this show to a close once we meet up!"
"Dammit...Toki," I mutter. Blasted moron.
"...I'll carry him. My combat strength is down, but I should be able to do this much." Hinata doubles back and hoists Toki over her good shoulder, forcing her to carry her kunai in her left hand.
"Keep close," I say. The smoke and dust is thinning. I can tell the bandits are after the cargo and don't want to suffer losses. They're attempting to wear us down...but it feels far too suspicious that way.
"Understood."
We take off, only to see bandits flying around and looking for weaknesses.
"Shoot...!"
Behind. There's one coming, aiming for Hinata. I turn and move. I accelerate.
I think of everything that has happened so far, everything that has driven me forward. I think about the rage I felt so often. I let it rush through me and I can feel power pour in. No bandit can stop me, and I'm upon him before he can react.
With a strong thrust, I drive my kunai into his chest. Blood shoots out and covers my right arm, and it splashes onto my face. It's warm. I swiftly turn and rip out my kunai, then kick his body away and into the dirt. He rolls to a stop.
He's lying there, lifeless. Dead.
I can feel the blood all over my arm and sliding down my face. My heart is racing. That was the first time I killed someone. I killed a man. A human being.
I'm...supposed to feel...?
I look down at my blood-soaked fingers. I lift them to my face. I...can smell the blood. It's not...it's not unusual. I realize what I want to do before I do it, and so my body takes over. I bring my hand close to my mouth, and reach out with my tongue. I lick the blood and taste it.
It's all wrong from what I'm supposed to know.
It's a delicious taste.
Everything starts becoming clearer, somehow. This...feeling. This want. The rumbling inside of me that wants to go away, but that didn't come about because of the blood on my tongue. No...I know exactly what this is.
"Hinata."
"Yes."
I turn to face her. She doesn't flinch. "I'm a natural born killer. Do I frighten you? Are you ashamed of me?"
"I am...frightened. There's a terrifying strength that...I can see. Your eyes are glowing. But...you will never shame me. You're Lili. You always will be to me."
Entirely too precious. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve much, monster that I've become.
I killed someone, and I enjoyed it.
Or...perhaps this is just the dissonance in this world. Killing is supposed to be wrong. Killing is supposed to be a last resort. But what about the predators, whose function it is to hunt the prey of this world?
Is it wrong to want to kill? I don't know. I don't care about...the judgements of humans right now. But this is a thrilling feeling. It's not about being a hero, or reaching out towards justice. I didn't hurt. I didn't feel sick. And I didn't feel the emptiness that I expected.
No. I like it. No, more than that. I love it.
"If you truly feel that way, then...don't close your eyes. I'm going to slaughter all of this prey, and I'm going to take great pleasure in doing so."
"I understand."
My senses are sharper. I can feel all of the bodies through the air, the movements and sensations they cause. I activate my tracking technique and the pictures are crystal clear.
Hungry. Feels like it. I need to devour them, this prey that would dare to put my comrades in danger. But I can't lie to the world and play the part of an avenger.
I take a step forward before accelerating through the sand, towards an unsuspecting enemy with his back turned. I curl my arm around his throat and then pull back with my kunai, slicing his throat open. My body moves before the corpse can even hit the ground, shooting towards another victim; I ram my kunai into his throat and then slash outwards, blood spraying everywhere. His comrade nearby is blinded; I jump at him and plunge my bloodied kunai into his skull, slamming him into the ground.
I lick my lips. "Four down, then." A troublesome situation, thinking about it. Brutality and violence, at the flick of a switch. This murderous impulse is moving calmly...I can see and feel everything as I am. The strain, like that of anger held in tight, is not present. I feel...natural. Proper. The movement of the bandits brings more thoughts into my head, and I draw a second kunai to join the first.
An end...as my sensei wanted, I will deliver it.
"Sensei. Shino. Draw them in closer," I call out. Hinata has escaped behind me and towards the wagon, still carrying and protecting Toki.
"Kobayashi?" Shino asks, unnerved.
"Do that much for me. I'm going to devour them quickly and put an end to this...their menace, and this rumbling inside of my spirit."
"Lili...you don't sound right." Kurenai lands beside me, and her eyes widen as she notes my appearance.
"I'm sorry, Kurenai. I've developed a taste for killing. This...this is what I'm after right now."
"I see. Shino...do as she says, we're falling back towards the wagon."
"Sensei-"
"Shino. That's an order. Please, just...let Lili take care of it."
"Understood."
With the core of their opposition withdrawing, the bandits decide to press. Their original strategy is abandoned...they mean to come at us with pure numbers since they think we're tiring. Trained, but only enough to use the most rudimentary tactics.
Feels like a corporate job.
It's almost no fun this way, but I don't mind at this point. I just want my fill.
Happiness, then. Yes...I'm happy with this. I smile. I dash forward, adrenaline pumping. I start my dance and rip through the first person that I see, cutting into them so severely that they'll die the moment I pass by. Blood sprays out and splashes onto me as I move and thrust and slice, feeling my legs carry me at high speed. I cut into and through and beyond. I duck and spin and stab, over and over. I can feel my heart racing. An excitement coursing through me. This supreme enjoyment of everything that humans would call a sin. But I love this. The battlefield is my place. My hunting ground.
This is where I will reign forever.
They don't retreat. I don't know if it's because they don't want to, or I simply don't give them the opportunity. I oppress them. I frighten them. I slaughter them. I find their vital points without fail, and I rip and tear until they fall to pieces in front of me, their lives swallowed up in the viciousness of my hunt.
I don't feel the need to reassure myself about what I'm here for. This is what it is.
At last, there is one left. On his knees before me, he is powerless. Already broken, from the look in his eyes. He waits for me. I can feel blood weighing down my clothing, wet and starting to get sticky in the desert heat. On my hair, my face...splattered all over my armband with the Leaf symbol on it.
This one in front of me...
"I don't want it."
It's enough. The hunger is gone, with the rumbling inside of me stopped. To consume more, like common trash...unnecessary.
I drop my kunai in front of him. "Sensei."
"Right." Kurenai puts him into a genjutsu and knocks him out. Shino binds his limbs, and the two carry him back towards the wagon. I take a deep breath in and feel myself relax, slowly. The impulse fades to nothing. The consuming heat in my head disappears. Adrenaline fades, and my heart calms.
I shift back from the violent snake I was a moment ago, and into a girl with calm indifference on her face, covered with blood.
It still has that sweet, alluring taste to it. I don't know yet how to feel about it, but it's not an urgent issue, I suppose. I might like spilling it more than tasting it, anyways...
The barrier comes down around the wagon. The children pulling it are restless at the sight of me, but slowly calm down with help from Hinata. Toki is rubbing his stomach as he wakes up, and Airi gasps at the sight of me as she exits the wagon. Zen looks horrified.
"Kid...what happened to you?" he asks.
"I overdid it. I suppose I went too far...bullying all of this prey," I say flatly as I gesture to the bodies lying around us. "Something like that. I just wanted to protect Hinata. She means a lot. But...it turned out like this. Hm." I smile. "They all had to die, because that other part of me woke up from her slumber. I devoured them. And I would do it all over again, because I really liked it."
"...damn."
"My blood boils up sometimes," I say as I curl my fingers on one hand. "And so I have to respond to challenges like this. But it's enough. I can feel the points where it needs to stop, and so I stop. Far from a regular thing, off the battlefield anyways. I want to live a vaguely human life, at the end of the day."
"Thank heaven for small mercies," Zen says with a sigh. "But...we're alive. So I can't say anything else but thank you."
"Of course. More than just being our clients...you deserve to move ahead in your life. To dip my feet into darkness for the sake of innocents is a small thing, yes?"
He smirks nervously. "You sound like an old woman. How much darkness have you seen in your lifetime?"
I look to the sky, and smile sadly.
"You would cry if I told you just how much."
"...I see."
"Got something out of our prisoner here. Fuukudou Heavy Corporation. Does that bring anything to mind?" Kurenai asks Zen.
"Fuukudou Heavy...well, we were in the same town the other day, but we made sure to steer clear of them. So they couldn't have known about-"
"A-actually..."
We all turn to Toki, who is rubbing his head with a sheepish grin.
"I might have let it slip during a night out with some broads. You know how it is, right?"
Zen stares at him a moment before suddenly bursting into laughter.
"Is that all? I see, I see. Okay!"
"Really? Is it, old man?"
"Yeah! I'll just dock your pay for the next year, and use some of the dough to pay our shinobi friends extra for their services! Sounds like a win to me!"
"Haaaaaaaaaah?! You can't fuckin' do that!"
"Hahahaha! Sure I can! It's the least you can do, after almost getting us all killed!" Zen shoots back with a smile.
Things have ended on a good note. Everyone is safe and sound. The mission will go on as scheduled. I...will need to talk to Midori about this murderous pulse at some point.
I think with her help, I can get something out of this...aside from pleasure and bloodlust.