I am weak. It is why I write on holiday.
Enjoy.
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2026 (???)
Chaldea, 3 Days After the Resolution of the First Order: France
"...So," Ritsuka frowns. He looks oddly at Kana when she quickly swipes her flat palm across her neck. "Mm?"
"So," Roman nods. Leaning back in the director's chair, fingers tented, frowning as he smiles, the doctor strikes that strange balance between intimidating and reluctant. Like he's sorry that he's going to have to launch all of them into the sun. So sorry but you're going to have to burn to death, fam, good fucking luck. And in the director's office Roman has now inherited, large and empty on their half of the room but for the chairs, yet well-decorated and dominating on Roman's side, the balance of power is well-established. He is the boss. They are the minions.
The way Mashu closes the door behind them is menacing as well. The hard click nearly makes Ritsuka jump, but for his ability to disassemble his reactions. "What's this about, doctor?" Mashu asks innocently, bright and cheery as usual. She does not know that this is the prelude to an ass-reaming. The girl's lack of life experience is going to get her destroyed today. "Do we have an assignment? A special mission?"
Roman shakes his head, and motions for her to stand beside him. He looks at the twins and gestures to the empty seats in front of his desk with a sweep of his hand. "Take a seat, Ritsuka, Kana."
They do so, sitting awkwardly, Kana folding her legs and Ritsuka holding his hands together. She tries to effect fearlessness, a total lack of fucks for the apocalypse about to happen. Kana mostly succeeds. "What's up, doctor?"
"Are we in trouble?" Ritsuka asks worriedly. He notices Kana glaring at him. "What?"
Idiot. Doesn't even know that asking that will just get him into more trouble. This is why she is going to die. "There is a time and a place, Rits," Kana mumbles with teeth grit.
Roman starts to shake his head but pauses. He purses his lips before continuing. "There's been a... problem, with the records. The personnel records, actually, specifically the Master-Candidates category. Mashu pointed it out the other day."
"I was just going through to see if anyone else was affiliated with Lev!" The Shielder says defensively immediately. "I thought something was wrong, because your profiles had your pictures, but not your names! And a lot of details were weird, so I mentioned it to Doctor Roman first! I didn't think I needed to tell either of you!"
"You don't," Ritsuka says flatly. "Mashu, it's fine, you did the right thing." He winces when Kana elbows him in the side. "Ow! What?!"
Fucking love-struck idiot. "Mashu, sweetie," Kana says sweetly, "You did the right thing. But maybe you could have told us, too? Before today?"
"I didn't think it would be a problem!" Mashu sputters.
A hot flash of temper burns inside her but Kana douses it with practiced ease. Kana just shrugs and slumps in her chair, hoping the candid laziness would kill the tension. It does, but not for her. "So, what's up doc? Need us to write up the profiles again? Because I'm gonna have to borrow your pen."
"We can handle it, no worries," Roman says reassuringly. "But... Leo and I were consulting, and... well, something didn't add up, y'know?"
"Sounds like a problem," Ritsuka nods. "How can we help?"
A woman falls from the ceiling and right onto Roman's desk, sitting prim and properly as she holds a pipe in one hand and a staff topped with a large quartz in the other. "Well," she titters melodiously, "For starters, what are your names? Good kids get candy~"
Ritsuka blinks. "What?"
Kana pinches her nose and tries not to get a migrane. "What."
Mashu tilts her head, as the woman, whose face is a splitting image of the Mona Lisa, hops off the desk and twirls over to Roman's other side, tossing the pipe aside and popping on a pair of spectacles. "Leo, what?"
Leonardo Da Vinci, eccentric keeper of Chaldea's systems and one of the first Servants called on by the FATE System, titters and cups her cheek with one hand. "Oh, I'm sorry! If it wasn't clear, I was hinting at something!" She adjusts her spectacles and seems to pull paper from its lenses, tossing them out into thin air. They coalesce into sheets of paper - from Kana's perspective, she quickly realises, reversed images of their profile pages. Oh dear, oh dear. ALL THE DEAR. "Is it a trend, changing names every so often? Or is something up, Gudao and Gudako Fujimaru?"
Ritsuka immediately goes pale as a sheet as he remembers the deception they pulled months ago. Kana does not, but all the preparation in the world couldn't keep her from feeling faint regardless. "T-That's me," Ritsuka stammers, forcing as much false bravado as he can, "Gudao Fujimaru! Ha ha ha..."
"You're awful at acting," Kana hisses in whispers.
"You're awful at names," Ritsuka snarls back. "Fujimaru? Seriously?"
"You were going with Fujimura, idiot! I saved you! And you still went with Gudao and Gudako! WHO GOES BY THAT?!"
They glance furtively at the other three in the room, Roman stunned silent and Leonardo thoroughly entertained. But Mashu, innocent flowerbun she is, looks absolutely scandalised. "Y-Y-You lied?" She asks, voice quivering. "B-But.... I trusted you... Called you both senpai... What is... Why..."
"Calm down for a sec, Mashu, we introduced ourselves as Ritsuka and Kana in the hallway, remember?" Kana says quickly and calmly, as much as she can. "We never lied to you."
"Only because we're fucking awful liars," Ritsuka babbles. "We were planning on being Gudao and Gudako the entire time. No one was supposed to know. We're just really fucking bad."
"Oh my god shut the fuck up Guda."
"We're going to die anyways LET ME CONFESS MY SINS BEFORE THAT!"
"Uh," Roman says. The acoustics of the room are quite something, Kana realises then. They ensure that the one sitting in the chair will always be heard, no matter how loud he is or how loud everyone else is being. It's probably a magecraft thing, Ritsuka probably knows the theory and application behind it, but it is still very cool. "Let's stay focused, guys. Ritsuka, Kana, what are your real names?"
"Ritsuka Tohsaka and Kana Tohsaka," Kana says immediately, before Ritsuka can fumble up his name and make himself a fool some more. Dude needs to like, invest in a stress ball. He's practically a pretzel right now. "That's not a lie. We're definitely Tohsaka."
"Can we trust them?" Mashu asks, her voice getting higher and higher. Weaned on a diet of far too many mystery novels and spy thrillers, she's already starting to make up origin stories for them in her mind. This is bad. Really, really bad.
"Oh, definitely," Leonardo pipes up. She taps her staff on the ground twice and does a twirl as her hard light paper dissipates into motes of glitter. She dances and spins right back onto the desk, sitting properly on it despite wearing a dress. "I've confirmed it, they're definitely Tohsaka! Of course, their reactions at Singularity F were genuine, you couldn't fake those. These two are, without a doubt, the children of Shirou Emiya and Rin Tohsaka!"
Kana freezes. She looks at Leonardo Da Vinci, her neck creaking like an old door. "You. Know. Our parents."
"Nope!" The Caster responds cheerfully. "I'm just a genius!"
Ah, of course. Leonardo Da Vinci is bullshit. That's why he is currently she at the moment, and may be able to change back at will - but hasn't. Kana looks down, and finds Ritsuka curled up, trying to not hyperventilate by crushing his lungs with his legs. Great plan, guda, great plan. She looks back up, and finds Mashu curled up as well, leaning against the side of Roman's desk. The doctor himself is just kind of blank-faced, trying to smile awkwardly but too dead inside to do even that. She can sympathise.
Unfortunately, she has an archetype to uphold. Kana claps her hands together and props them up against her chin, looking straight at Leonardo. "Right, so how fucked are we, and how much do you own us?"
"Not very, and I already own you, silly nugget!" Da Vinci laughs and pokes Kana on the tip of her nose, before standing up again and bonking her on the head with her staff while she was rubbing her nose. "I imagine your mother would be ashamed, though! It was like you weren't even trying to fake your identity. It's a miracle that you got into Chaldea at all!"
Kana shrugs, still scowling at the head bap. "Aunt Luvia got us in and said she could handle whatever, so y'know."
"Ah, yes, Miss Luv--" Roman sputters, despite not yet taking a sip of coffee yet. "Aunt Luvia?!"
"Oh, I do know!" Leonardo cheers, and she claps her hands at it. "You should count your blessings, by the way, she is one of the best vectors to infiltrate our organisation! I've done the risk assessment, I know."
"...How?" Ritsuka ask-moans from the floor, still trying not to die by lung-assisted suicide. "She said she wouldn't leave a trace! ARE YOU ACTUALLY A GENIUS DETECTIVE?!"
"I am a genius, thank you," she preens, "But no she just left a tape. Very minor encryption, actually! Like she expected me to crack the cipher! I know her plan, though," Da Vinci giggles, "She meant to get me in on her conspiracy."
"...Why and how?" Kana asks, not sure if she wants to know.
"Because I take care of Chaldea's caretakers and can maintain the masquerade, as it were," Leonardo replies casually, counting away on her fingers, "And because the rationale she gave me was hysterical. I had to go with it! And I shall!"
" ...Could you tell us?" Ritsuka asks, slightly horrified.
"Nope! That's part of going with it~"
Kana shrugs again. There is literally only one reason why Aunt Luvia helped them anyways, so it isn't actually a hard question. "So I suppose you're fixing the records?"
Leonardo looks at her owlishly, eyes wide. Then, she laughs again. "Oh, heavens no! This is fantastic! I want your profiles to be a monument to my merriment, dear Gudako!"
"Don't call me that, please."
"Just once more, Gudako - oh there it went silly me anyways!" She twirls back around to Roman and bends down to him, looking him on his level. By now, Roman has slouched down half his chair, like a slug. Poor man is dead already. "Romani, should we pu~unish them?"
"YES!" Mashu exclaims. She shoots up onto her feet, cheeks puffed and eyes wet, and points harshly at Ritsuka. "Senpai toyed with my feelings! First he was a senpai then he was a spy BUT NO HE'S STILL SENPAI!"
"Mashu no," her brother begs quietly.
"What did you think up in your head?" Kana asks, morbidly impressed - and more than a little intimidated. That is a girl who can crush their heads like melons. Demi-Servants are strong. "First thing, Mash, we are not spies."
"I KNOW I'M SO DISAPPOINTED!"
"Alright calm down," Kana says.
"I WANT TO BE SEDUCED BY A SPY, SENPAI!"
"W-What," Ritsuka and Roman both say, their voices barely whispers.
In this moment, Kana notes sagely, the two are one. And that would be worth writing fanfiction over except she is grossed out by the mere concept of writing slash involving her brother. That invokes cooties. And she doesn't believe in those anymore, but it is still gross. Kana does not understand why her dad has nightmares of the two of them getting together.
"Soooo what now, Leo?" Kana asks, while Mashu unleashes her delusions upon the menfolk. "Was this ever an issue?"
"Mm, no," the Inventor replies flatly to her, "I just pretended it was something important so I could get my jollies up. You're both still beyond valuable to Chaldea so any punishment would have to happen after the Grand Order and, assuming we're still alive, will almost certainly not actually take place! Mitigating factors and all," Leonardo shrugs, weighing scales with her hands. "Still, did you like it? I liked it! I am having a lot of fun!"
Kana opens her mouth. She closes it. How could she possibly turn the tables and secure her dominance?
"Don't even bother," Leo says happily, "I am a genius~"
There is no dominance. Servitude is the only option. "Teach me," Kana begs. "Show me your ways."
Leonardo grins, and bops her on the nose again. "No!"
"Aw, but--"
--
"I am so confused," Romani Archaman sighs, as the chaos continues in his office. Another day in Chaldea.