"Cap'n! Ship ta starboard!"
With a grunt, Captain Drake pulled a spyglass from her belt and looked right, as did Ritsuka. "I don't see the ship," Drake mumbles.
"Same," Ritsuka grunts. He looks around and spots his sister looking left instead, so he spins on his heel and bops her on the head. "Kana, you idiot, starboard is right!"
"Yeah, but the ship's there," she replies, before countering with a bop of her own. She points, and there the enemy ship is, close enough to see the black flag that hangs from its mast. This time Drake sees it, and her frown only deepens.
"...Mister Shames, get Smithy off tha Crow's Nest before he gets us killed by missin' an island."
"Aye, cap'n!"
She closes her spyglass and looks about. "Prepare fer boardin', lads. We've got pirates."
And like that, every Chaldean's blood runs cold. "Like, Blackbeard?" Ritsuka asks.
"I suppose," the Captain shrugs. She tilts her head. "He a legend in tha future?"
Ritsuka spares a glare in Kana's direction, where his sister is already sinking towards the ground and trying to dig her way down into the brig. "Something like that," he nods. "I'm not sure he's that much of a danger, though, that ship can't be less than, what, six hundred meters away. He's not even broadside." The sun flashes for a moment. "Wait, what was that?"
"ROAD ROLLER DA!"
And then a wooden road roller crashes into the deck, right on top of Herakles and Medusa.
For a half-second, Ritsuka blinks. He rubs his eyes. Mashu tilts her head forty five degrees just to get dutch enough to try and understand the reference. It suddenly clicks. "...WAIT BUT THAT MEANS--"
A number of things happen in the next three seconds.
First, Medea cries out as a bullet cracks through her right shoulder and sends her onto the deck, long before the sound of a gunshot reaches the ship over the crashing waves.
Next, Atalanta gets crushed beneath Medea after jumping to alert over her friend getting shot, not realising she was in a position to get crushed by the witch.
Then the scourge of the seas lands atop the wooden roller, embedded halfway through the deck, with a heavy thud. He shrieks, loud and shrill, with his hands clawed, his chest bared skyward and his hips thrusted. He bellows a warcry, one that will sear itself into legend many hundreds of years into the future.
"WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
And then he starts punching the road roller, deeper and deeper into the ship, until it is level with the deck and Ritsuka realises he is down four Servants in a matter of seconds.
Before he knows it, before the crew of the Golden Hind can get into position, they are surrounded. A blonde beauty in the crow's nest, armed with a long rifle. A petite snow-haired pirate with a cutlass on the masts, ready to intercept any who would make the first move. And the legendary pirate himself, Blackbeard, strutting towards Queen Elizabeth in her pirating phase, slumming the most languid strut he has ever seen, while wearing an oppai hoodie unzipped and with nothing underneath.
And he's even wearing a green heart headband. Truly, he has no words.
Wait, no, he has a few. "Kana, this is entirely your fucking fault!"
"OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DOOOOOOONE?!!"
"...Oh dear," Leonardo comments over the commlink while sounding not the least bit concerned, "It seems that whatever you did to Blackbeard has propagated back to the Throne of Heroes and altered his Spirit Origin permanently! You have done what even All the World's Evils could not, Kana; you corrupted a Heroic Spirit!"
"THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!" Both Kana and Ritsuka scream.
"...Ah, Romani, don't bang your head on the console, that's not professional~"
"AAAAAAAAAALRIGHT now we're gonna take yer loot an' yer shinies an'--holy shit are those real?" Blackbeard looks around and spots Mashu and Kana. "OHHHHHH! UUUUOOOOOOOHHHHH! 3DDDDDDDD!"
"M-Master?" Mashu looks over at Ritsuka with frightened eyes. "Orders? Those eyes are scary, s-so... W-What do we do??"
A flash of anger lights up inside him. "Hey, asshole! Stop perving on my--" The snow-haired raven lands in front of him suddenly with a sword at his throat. "--sister, servant, and support."
"Ohhhhh, a normie!" Blackbeard stomps up to him, hand in his hoodie pockets. "Tells ya what! Ya get onna these girls ta strip an' do a lil' dance, an I'll let this ship go with just tha' shiny cup the big red with tha popped out cans' got on her. Aights?"
"Hands off, scurvy dog," Drake glowers, which is met with an ominous gun cock.
Ritsuka snarls and the cutlass gets closer. He thinks of a plan. Dammit, he's not good in these sort of situations. Normally he rides the edge of anger to get clarity, but right now he's just so mad he just wants to put his fists in that fat scraggly face! If only Kana were here, she'd--ohhhh it's perfect revenge twice over! "Don't touch my fucking sister, you degenerate!"
"Ahhhh yer sister! Tha' broad kneelin' over there?" He looks over and licks his lips. "Now tha's hot!"
Dear god he's branched out into memes in general.
"That's probably a bad idea, Captain," a scruffy man with a beard and a curiously armoured right arm sighs, right at the helm. "First of all, those are just kids. You sure you're going to do that?" How'd he get there? With the spear over his shoulder, he should have been spotted immediately. And he's… got perfect line of sight and flanks on everyone, even if they did command seal reinforcements in. Oh dear.
But he hasn't done anything. As is he just looks really put upon and done with life.
...Ritsuka can sympathise.
"Tha younger tha better!" Blackbeard cackles. "...Unless they're, like, ten or somethin'. Honestly, fifteen's pushin' it already. Now her," he says, pointing at Mashu (who squeaks in fear, which makes Ritsuka see red for a second), "Or her," he continues, pointing at Kana, "Now they're fair game! And tha red one's just extra thicc!"
Kana suddenly goes still. She stands up. She holds up her right fist, the one with the command seals. All of them light up.
"Medea, freeze the sniper in space time. Medusa, petrify the rabbit. Herakles, beat Blackbeard within an inch of his life. By my commands, execute."
All three brands vanish in a burst of magic.
And then the world becomes screaming, stone, and violently violet energy.
----
Ritsuka stops for a moment because Kana just shattered the mug in her hands. He looks down to see that his is also leaking all his coffee, from all the cracks he's pressed into it too. With an apologetic mumble he puts it aside and wrings his fingers. "So yeah, Blackbeard was actually kind of an incredible threat and almost took us out. Fortunately, we have Command Seals."
Only some of their audience is listening to him. The rest, Kana included, are glaring at Blackbeard. He looks back with a frown. "That ain't me," he sniffs. "I'm a degenerate, not a degenerate. 2D is better than 3D anyways."
Kana sighs wearily. "Sorry, Blackbeard, I know. I'm just… dealing with some things."
"Shame you're so tilted about it, though," he continues, "Ain't no shame in bein' beautifully thicc with nice tiddies an' thighs."
Kana leaps from her seat and slams both feet into Blackbeard's face. The Rider smashes through the wall and lands in a crumpled heap in the hallway. A passing robot marks him for cleanup with a flag in the butt and continues rolling on. Slowly, the various Servants look at Kana, who has landed on her side after a marvelous dropkick, her bathrobe having fallen open just enough to expose some chest.
"...Crass he may be, Kana, but you can't fight your body image issues with violence," Saber says with a frown.
"Yes I can," Kana scoffs. "Anyways we won, then we hired all of Blackbeard's minions. Apparently they didn't like him much either. Then we ran into a special island and, well." She looks over at Euryale, sitting together with Stheno as they laugh softly and braid Medusa's hair. "It's a pretty special island."
"Yeah," Ritsuka suddenly scowls. "Stupid dragon."