It started with an idle thought.
"How did the Fifth War go, for everyone?"
As they say, idle hands are the devil's workshop.
This is going to be hilarious.
No one knows why Gilgamesh is interested, but he brought the drinks so no one cares.
No one cares about anything when somebody says "I will bring the drinks".
The hulking giant, whose frame dominates the couch on one side, grunts gruffly. He glares significantly at a certain blonde King, who at least has the courtesy to look away.
Gil is ashamed about Ilya... I love it.
"My Master was a Clocktower Magus who fueled his magecraft with human sacrifice. I showed him a better way, he tried to murder me. So I set his workshop on fire and let the children go before finding my Souichirou-sama minutes before expiring."
"That's convenient," Medusa says testily.
"That's love," Caster says pointedly.
That's really convenient, one can wonder if it was
Fate.
Cu grunts in grudging agreement. "Meanwhile, I was summoned by my type of woman, but minutes after I appeared the fucking priest tore her arm off, stole her command seals, and left her for dead. And immediately spent one on me to go investigate the other Servants and not fight them." He scoffs irritably. "What an asshole."
"Kotomine is an asshole, yes," Gilgamesh says idly, swirling a glass of wine, "But what an entertaining asshole he was!"
Cu rolls his eyes. "I had to be in the same space as that asshole, too. But I guess he's alright now. But god damn what an asshole."
Oh? Are you anxious?" Gilgamesh chuckles and pulls a jar of oil from the Gate of Babylon. "My arena is not yet complete, but we could spar."
"Hell yeah, asshole!"
"We get it, you're obsessed with assholes." Archer rolls his eyes and scoffs.
I bet Kotomine is happy about causing
suffering after being dead.
Cu grunts in grudging agreement. "Meanwhile, I was summoned by my type of woman, but minutes after I appeared the fucking priest tore her arm off, stole her command seals, and left her for dead. And immediately spent one on me to go investigate the other Servants and not fight them." He scoffs irritably. "What an asshole."
I bet this is what pissed Cu off the most.
"Kotomine is an asshole, yes," Gilgamesh says idly, swirling a glass of wine, "But what an entertaining asshole he was!"
Cu rolls his eyes. "I had to be in the same space as that asshole, too. But I guess he's alright now. But god damn what an asshole."
Oh? Are you anxious?" Gilgamesh chuckles and pulls a jar of oil from the Gate of Babylon. "My arena is not yet complete, but we could spar."
"Hell yeah, asshole!"
Oh fuck this is going to happen again.
"Ah, Sasaki," Medea sighs, "He had such a clever tongue... Now if only he were a girl and more respectful. But, needs must. And he was a reasonable enough gatekeeper." She glances at Archer. "With some exceptions."
The red man shrugs, "I told you to move, Caster."
"You stabbed me full of swords."
"Again. Told you to move." Archer smirks. "Didn't you learn, Caster? Everything I did was for the sake of my goal."
"If you wanted to kill yourself so badly, Archer, you could have just stabbed the boy full of swords."
Ah Sasaki, you were always so under appreciated, and EMIYA being an asshole is nothing new.
"I nearly killed him despite only having a tenth of my power," Cu laughs. "What a weakling!"
"I had something in mind for Gae Bolg," Archer says casually. "Your victory wasn't as certain as you think."
The Lancer scowls. "And what is it you had?"
"That would be telling."
"Then you were going to die! But then the kid... who turned out to be you... Saved your life." Cu frowns, glaring at the Counter Guardian. "Did you plan that?"
Archer smiles smugly. "It would be telling."
Shit maybe he was pla--
"Bullshit, faker. You didn't remember those memories until you saved the boy at the Temple."
Well, there was Gilgamesh, who could cheat with his Clairvoyance . What a man.
And Gilgamesh ruins his fun Sha Nagba Imuru assholes!
He doesn't die when he is killed
The memes!
"I'd ask our Masters how Rin is like as a mother... but I'm worried about what I will learn."
I bet she's surprisingly good one, because hell she can't be
that bad.
Shirou making me wear that godawful raincoat instead of something sensible like a suit
That love of suits is from Fate/Zero isn't it?
and they met the priest, who is an asshole."
"What an asshole," Archer nods.
"Total fucking asshole," Cu agrees.
"My kind of asshole," Gilgamesh grins.
And Kotomine rejoices.
Medusa adjusts her glasses
Ok Out Of Context for a moment... THIS IS SO HOT! I can't be the only one who thinks that.
"Perhaps you are simply bad at committing suicide, Archer."
The Counter Guardian turns his hawk-like eyes on the Gorgon-to-be. "Much like you were, Rider?"
"...Ganguro player," Medusa hisses, like a snake.
"Now where did that come from?" Archer asks with a frown.
"You know. Ganguro player," she hisses again.
It's not his fault, it's Alaya's she likes her EMIYA's ganguros.
"Rin and I also investigated some gas leaks that night and concluded that Caster was at Ryuudo Temple," Archer says. "It might seem like a leap in logic, but it wasn't. Also Rin promised to kill the idiot if he got in her way, the liar."
You also said you wanted to kill him, you never did it.
"And then the very next day," Saber sighs heavily, "Against my peerless advice, Shirou decides to go to school without me. And is attacked by Rin, who also didn't bring her Servant. Predictably, they are attacked by Rider, but they manage to chase her away."
Stupid choices are stupid, also poor Rider.
Saber looks smugly at Rider. "Your thoughts?"
"Shinji is useless," Medusa says simply, to unanimous agreement.
"What a spineless wimp," Cu remarks.
"Completely unremarkable," Medea says.
"Fun to bully, more fun to silence," Gilgamesh shrugs.
Oh Shinji, you're never useful for anything.
"He used to be better," Archer says meekly.
...
I'm sorry what? Shirou get out of that body.
"...I am not doing this." Saber turns back to the others. "So Shirou was kidnapped, and I rushed to save him but then Assassin stopped me at the gate. Fortunately Archer was around and then saved him and then slashed him."
"He should have moved," Archer says with a smirk, "Learned from Caster's example."
Didn't that happen
after?
But tell me, Saber, how did you get beaten back by a phantom?"
Saber flushes and tries to answer, but then Lancer steps in. "Hey, easy on the lady. I got beaten back too."
"As was I," Rider nods.
Sasaki you god damn badass! You fended off Irish!Herc, Medusa and King Arthur! Holy crap! The Savior of France indeed!
Archer frowns. "Wait, did everyone try to attack Caster?"
Nearly everyone nods, Berserker included. Only Gilgamesh doesn't, because he's too busy pouring another drink.
Holy shit! He fended off the actual Hercules! Man Sasaki!
Rider nods. "A certain teacher punched my head off."
"It wasn't off!" Caster gasps. "It was just… tentatively attached!"
Alas poor Rider she died thanks to...
Rider nods and sips at her tea. "I suppose. Nonetheless, Shinji was absolutely worthless throughout that entire debacle."
Saber frowns at her. "Rider, you seem incredibly critical about Shinji. Should I be worried for our Masters?"
Rider shakes her head. "I have no such concerns with our current Masters. Ritsuka and Kana seem like good, capable young adults. Who are not Shinji."
You can feel her love for Shinji, it has inverse proportionality to her love for Sakura.
Saber growls, seconds from releasing Strike Air and bonking everyone on the head. And for Lancer, who will dodge the table due to an unfairly strong skill, she will stab him a little. Just a little. "So after all that, Shirou and Rin investigated Homurahara for Caster's Master, we confronted Souichirou Kuzuki and Caster on the road to Ryuudo Temple, and Kuzuki beat me up."
Lancer suppresses a snigger. Gilgamesh doesn't even try. Rider gives a sympathetic-yet-vindictively-happy look, and Caster swoons at the mention of her beloved again. Saber, her face death, draws Excalibur--
And this is the last chance of the world.
"But were Saber's Master not a total incompetent who forged a new circuit every time he used magecraft, she might have fended Kuzuki off immediately and ended the threat then and there," Archer concludes. "So in conclusion, Emiya Shirou is also useless."
"Less, to be fair," Caster says, "He did produce our Masters."
"That is entirely Rin."
I don't know, I recall Ritsuka calling her
graceful, there's a lot of doubt in my mind.
Saber seethes. "I thought you were doing your best, Archer?"
"I am. Doing my best to reaffirm just how much of an idiot Emiya Shirou is."
"So you just called yourself an idiot?" Gilgamesh asks.
Archer looks at him, dead-serious. "Yes," he replies, dead as the night.
Gilgamesh looks at him. Everyone looks at him. And the King of Heroes laughs. "Fair point! Carry on, faker."
You know you have the best Gilgamesh when he laughs with the Faker, and people bullying Shirou nothing new, even if it is himself.
Archer sighs. "Of course, Rin is also an idiot. Because she took the idiot out on a date in the middle of the war right after."
And Archer bullying Rin also nothing new.
Herakles just grunts. Whether it is in support or in opposition will never be known, because Ritsuka isn't here to translate.
I bet he would be wondering how the hell are they going to save the world with this bunch of idiots.
"That's amazing," Lancer laughs. "I wish I went out on a date in the middle of the war!" He ponders. "...That fucking priest robbed me of that chance. Fucking asshole."
Kotomine rejoices again, holy shit he's very happy in hell isn't he?
"What is your idea of a date?" Caster asks, one eyebrow raised.
Lancer shrugs. "We hit the town, have lunch, fool around, and then fight. Sounds like a great time!"
Everyone looks at Cu now, with varying degrees of concern.
"...What? It's not weird."
Celts...
"It is a bit," Saber says dryly. "But yes, Rin took us out on a date to Shinto. It was, I have to admit, a good time." Saber smiles serenely at the memory, the three of them in the park, just eating sandwiches. "Of course, I've gone out with them on family outings since, together with Ritsuka and Kana, and they were fun as well. But that first time will always be something I cherish."
Her expression sours, and Arturia glares at Caster. "Until someone attacked and kidnapped me."
I bet she's salty about that.
"You were literally asking for it," Caster says smugly. "Going on a date in the middle of a war? You'd have to be a fool or be invincible!"
"YOU JUST SAID IT WAS ROMANTIC!"
"And romance has no place on the battlefield! That's why I intended on winning first!"
Snake would proud.
"You broke the rules of engagement by attacking in the day!"
"Foolish Saber! Rules are made to be broken!"
Nothing else to say about this.
"So are faces! SO LEAN FORWARD!"
Holy-- Saber got really aggressive in her time with Rin and Shirou.
Something explodes. A gust of wind like a shockwave blows past all of them. Only the constitution of a Servant keeps their skin from being blasted off their flesh. They turn to the source with idle curiosity and find Saber and Caster wrestling over Rule Breaker and Excalibur.
"That knife is useless when we have the SAME MASTER!"
"And that sword is useless when swinging it KILLS EVERYONE!"
"APOLOGISE, CASTER!"
Quick! Gil get the oil!
Medea smiles cruelly. "You will have to defeat my Enforcers first!"
Saber's face turns to shock and then back to anger. "You witch… what have you done to them!"
"I have shown them the light!" Medea raises a bare hand, not for any real reason but just as a flourish. "COME, ALTERA! ATALANTA! HEED MY SUMMONS!"
The Cute Squad attacks!
As the door slides open quietly and the wall is blasted open, Archer and Lancer both sigh as they turn to Gilgamesh. "Drink me," EMIYA sighs.
"I'll have twice what he has," Cu nods astutely.
Herakles grunts, and holds up three fingers.
Gilgamesh chuckles and shakes his head, while golden portals deposit gold-plated canned beers into their hands. "Drink, you mongrels, for today we are as brothers."
I love this Gilgamesh he's by far one of the best characters in the story.
They clink their beers together, right as Altera and Arturia punch each other's fists, and the world is blown away by force.
We NEED fanart of this, this is a glorious image in my head.
Also, if Nero were summoned, I'd place money on her flipping the game around and forcing Medea to wear cute outfits.
Of course she would, she would make them
Fabulous Umu!.
