We already had classes, but what about
Erm, FCA classes
Dungeon Crawler You!
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
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- litrpg dungeon open voting
Erm, FCA classes
Drew picks a class for Character Actor each floor which gives him a chance to get each of its benefits (he's lucky so he should get most of them) and all its drawbacks. He gets a limited list to pick from but again he's lucky so picks from his preferred list are likely to be available. Training up a character actor spell or skill enough to level it lets him keep it. Which is enough hope of getting what we want to start making completely hypothetical plans in which order of operations matter.
Once per floor Taylor can copy a power from one person to another - ideally this should be done the last day before we descend since it shuts down his Sysop powers for the floor (and shouldn't be timed tighter than that because it takes an hour of continuous contact and we'll probably rushing for the stairs mid cataclysm).
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
I think our goal for this floor should be to make stupid amounts of money. Maybe find a big gambling hall to work over? This way we can get good personal spaces on floor 4.
- Location
- Pacific standard
Drew and Leo are going to have a blast scamming npcs while Taylor experiments with teleporting lol
Taylor could do with a spell or two - he's made a big investment in intelligence to get sysop so some options for using the mana are called for.
A good weapon set for his second body is something to look into.
A way to shrink Moose or otherwise let him go through tight spaces. That is a Taylor problem if Moose takes BOF since he won't be able to activate magic himself.
A good weapon set for his second body is something to look into.
A way to shrink Moose or otherwise let him go through tight spaces. That is a Taylor problem if Moose takes BOF since he won't be able to activate magic himself.
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
Fortunately, his second body got the yo-yo too.
Olivebirdy
mook.
First step is gotta be to get Drew an invite to the Desperado Club. It's easier to get into than Club Vanquisher. They've got the casino, but they've also got the ability to recognize a Tir Inqua. We'll see how that works out.
Problem is, time spent grinding money is time not spent grinding Shield, Annihilation Dart or Smoke Form. The first two are painful spells to lose. I think we should spend as much time grinding as it takes to boost Shield a level, then go gambling. Ditch Annihilation Dart, it'll take too long to level. Then go back to grinding spells when we have enough money. No idea what 'enough money' looks like, though.
- Location
- France
Personal spaces routinely cost 250k or more gp. Then you need to pay similar sums for the upgrades you want, and stuff like "+10% xp gain rate" is going to be even more insanely expensive (500k, a million, etc). There's no way we can make that much gambling. I think we should aim to get that much money by killing bosses and maybe doing Gold quests.
This would also allow us to level Annihilation Dart, thereby keeping a powerful and versatile attack spell on a character who otherwise lacks a main means of attack. Definitely worth it.
This would also allow us to level Annihilation Dart, thereby keeping a powerful and versatile attack spell on a character who otherwise lacks a main means of attack. Definitely worth it.
We're getting 500k to start with. Doubling your seed money gambling may get harder the larger your starting amount is, but should still be entirely possible for a Tir Inqua. Multiple millions is less likely, but eminently possible.
Meanwhile, I'd be shocked if we can earn even one million through bosses on the Third Floor. Carl got a bunch of people coupons for Third tier personal spaces and upgrades from the AI complaining about Borant calling in their lawyers and stopping it from handing out the multiple Celestial boxes he'd earned other people, but in actual money that he earned separately from that piece of BS exploitation he'd barely gotten 50k.
Hey you know how one downside of legion rush is that it doesn't grant invincibility for the full charge? You know how we have a spell book that grants invincibility?
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
This is not correct. To start with, a level 1 personal space costs 50k gold, although they are relatively garbage and the ones that you actually want (level 3+) are indeed measured in hundreds of thousands. The +10% XP rate belongs to the best bed, which gives additional benefits beyond that and costs 250k. The information you want is in chapters 75 and 76, which I believe became chapters 2 and 3 of the fourth-floor book, The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook
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If we want to get rooms via FCA then we could copy Character Actor to Taylor because he can qualify for Diva. That's hands down the best up front wealth with a level 5 room +upgrades. Copying CA is a risky move though because it will transfer at level 1 which means you're basically taking the subclass the AI gives you. Drew isn't a charisma build so far while Leo and Drew already are using it so putting enough points into Cha to qualify for Diva and then not being offered it would be a serious waste.
Drew has Battlin' Baker on his list which gives a level 3 room. Leo doesn't have any room granting classes on her list.
As far as copying Character Actor to Taylor or Leo for a bit of extra power each floor goes, I think Taylor needs it more. It will be Leo opening all the boxes upgraded by Wheeler Dealer so we can expect the rewards to be directed at her.
Drew has Battlin' Baker on his list which gives a level 3 room. Leo doesn't have any room granting classes on her list.
As far as copying Character Actor to Taylor or Leo for a bit of extra power each floor goes, I think Taylor needs it more. It will be Leo opening all the boxes upgraded by Wheeler Dealer so we can expect the rewards to be directed at her.
- Location
- Over there
Depending on how fast Wheeler Dealer levels up, it could easily be worth copying onto everyone else. Did anyone in the Astronomy Army bring pets with them?
Yet, she doesn't have any room granting classes yet.
And Drew's available classes will actually grow stronger with each floor because he unlocks more and better classes as we progress.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
In the interest of preventing salt later: You will never again get a class option that includes a personal space. That option is now closed. The mudskippers Borant were horrified when they saw the list of classes the AI offered you that gave personal spaces, since that would have cost them incredibly amounts of money.
God damn
Oh well.
Gonna find out whether that means nerfed classes or removed classes.
Olivebirdy
mook.
I guess we'll just have to content ourselves with the huge amount of money Drew got. I do hope we can still score good Baking recipes some other way, though. The ability to send stat boosts and other goodies to anyone in our chat list shouldn't be underestimated.
We're going to be loading Taylor up with spells and he's already got his teleportation shtick. Drew's got FCA already and his luck. Moose is a tank. Leo doesn't have much in the way of damage multiplication, and while this will change as she gets more loot, she still needs to do well in combat until then. She's still a squishy kid on a skateboard.
We're going to be loading Taylor up with spells and he's already got his teleportation shtick. Drew's got FCA already and his luck. Moose is a tank. Leo doesn't have much in the way of damage multiplication, and while this will change as she gets more loot, she still needs to do well in combat until then. She's still a squishy kid on a skateboard.
But by the time copying CA is an option she will have been riding the enhanced bling train for the best part of two floors and should be noticeably more powerful than Taylor.
Olivebirdy
mook.
If it turns out that at the middle/end of the fourth floor Leo starts outstripping everyone else... That's fine, isn't it? She'll be getting more and better boxes, allowing her to roll up better boxes. I'm pretty sure she'll be willing to share. That's the nice thing about her class.
However, I don't think it'll be that easy. Her class and race don't easily lend themselves to combat, it'll take time for her to ramp up.
I want off of Mr. Bones' Wild Ride
Chapter 27: Large Skyfowl Settlement
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Chapter 27: Large Skyfowl Settlement
"I'm just saying," Calliope said, leaping across the gap to the next fragment of wall. She landed in a crouch, cat-like with hands and feet together, and then was up again. She had been running all morning instead of riding the skateboard she wore strapped to her back. Why was she running? Because she was enjoying her new race. And also enjoying complaining about it.
"I was promised lava spitting and invisibility," she said. "Instead, I get some upgraded stats? Unc, you get multiple bodies that can teleport! Drew gets reality-altering luck powers. I get stat boosts?"
"And danger sense," Taylor noted patiently.
"And upgraded damage if you pounce on something from above," Drew added.
"And the ability to jump super well so that you can, y'know, pounce on things from above," Taylor said, his helpful tone failing to bely the faint hint of teasing.
"Oh, and what was that other thing?" Drew asked, looking to Taylor. He frowned, tapping his chin in exaggerated thought. "There was something...I forget. It's on the tip of my tongue."
Moose: MOOSE WILL HELP YOU REMEMBER, DREW! CALLIOPE CAN MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE STUFF THAT SHE SAYS IS TRUE WHEN IT ISN'T!
Drew smiled and rubbed Moose's shoulder. "Thank you, Moose."
Above them, Calliope's tail lashed in irritation. "Fiiiiine. Make fun. Still, no invisibility?"
Moose: MOOSE THINKS CALLIOPE SHOULD BE HAPPY! WHY IS CALLIOPE NOT HAPPY? BEING ABLE TO CONVINCE MOM THAT YOU DIDN'T STEAL THE TURKEY EVEN THOUGH TURKEY IS SMEARED ALL OVER YOUR FACE SOUNDS GREAT! RABBIT GUY SAID THAT IT WAS GREAT POWER THAT SAVED HIM LOTS AND YOU WERE LUCKY!
"Moose, you know his name is Levi," Taylor said. "You don't have to call him 'rabbit guy'. Heck, he doesn't even look that much like a rabbit. He's got four arms, huge claws, and a weird head."
Moose: RABBIT GUY SMELLS LIKE RABBIT! AND NAMES ARE HARD! LIKE RABBIT GUY SAID, MOOSE IS DUMB! CAN'T REMEMBER WEIRD NAMES LIKE 'LEVI'!
"You're not dumb, buddy," Drew said, rubbing behind Moose's ear under the chanfron.
Moose: THANK YOU, DREW! MOOSE THINKS DREW IS SMART TOO!
"If we're complaining," Taylor said, body-flickering Blue atop a crumbling wall. He stumbled when he appeared, windmilling his arms for balance. "Oof. If we're complaining about our new superpowers, then I think I should get to bitch about mine. The description never said anything about the teleports being slightly inaccurate. Makes it really hard to land without looking like an idiot."
Levi: Stop complaining, all of you. How close are you to that large town?"
Calliope jerked, wobbling atop the edge of the building she was currently parkouring across. Only her newly (literally) cat-like reflexes kept her from falling.
Taylor: What makes you think we were complaining?
Levi: I know all, see all, kid. You didn't answer my question. How close are you to that large town?
"He's full of shit," Calliope said nervously. "Right? He doesn't know everything. He isn't actually watching us right now."
"Probably not," Taylor said, jumping Blue to the ground. "If he was then he wouldn't have to ask where we are. Also, language."
The housecatkin girl rolled her eyes and flicked a cat ear at him dismissively. As much as she might complain about her new race, she had been having fun with her tail and newly-mobile ears—for the improved balance and improved senses, sure, but also for the additional body language they allowed. Most of which seemed to boil down to the standard teenage, "Whatevar!" and "I can't even!"
Taylor: The road does a big loop and we're shortcutting across through the ruins in order to get a little taste of what's in here. We'll be back on the road soon.
Levi: Damnit, I thought we agreed you guys would stay on the road.
"Hah!" Calliope said. "I knew he was full of it and couldn't really see us."
Calliope: I knew you were full of it! How did you know I was complaining?
Levi: Because you took catkin and didn't get hellcatkin. Oh, and because you're a teenager.
Taylor laughed and Calliope glared at him.
Levi: She's been bitching about not getting good abilities, hasn't she?
"Hey!" Calliope said.
Taylor: Your wisdom and insight are marvels of the universe.
Levi: Yah, well, chill out kid. You didn't get superduper epic combat powers. Cry me a damn river—you think 'rabbit plus manatee' was my best pick for fighting? Heck no. What you got is better; it takes a role that the party didn't have covered and it lets you own that role. You're going to be a great thief and ambush fighter and that social skill of yours is going to let you rock the dungeon. Play your cards right and other crawlers will pay to work with you guys because of it. That makes you important, and people respect important people.
Calliope: First, that's dumb. Second, seriously? You're going 'wise old mentor' on me?
Levi: And you should be glad I am, child. Your party's odds of survival went up several orders of magnitude when you got a manager. Literally. I've got the data. Given that, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to listen to said manager, hmmm?
Levi: Look, the 'Silver-Tongued Liar' skill that my friend Mirga had? It ended up being much more useful than our best combat skills. You can't punch your way through the dungeon, you need to be able to talk your way into and out of things and you need to get NPCs to do things for you. Your 'You Never Fed Me, Honest!' skill seems to be the same thing, but explicitly states that it's more powerful than Silver-Tongued Liar. I guarantee you this: before you guys get out of the dungeon, that skill is going to save the party's life at least once.
Calliope was too taken aback to respond.
Taylor: Back on the original subject: It's a short loop that we're cutting across, so we'll be back on the road soon. We've only been in here ten minutes and there's been some good grinding. We've been swatting these big centipedes. They're about as big as Leo and they—oh, hey, there's one.
He gestured towards where the massive centipede was blending into some rubble fifty feet or so off to the left.
Drew pointed at the bug and said, "Die."
A bar of black fire the size of his index finger lanced across the intervening distance and smashed into the side of the centipede. It drilled straight through the chitin and exploded inside the creature, showering bug parts everywhere.
Drew: This Annihilation Dart spell is awesome.
Levi: Yeah, it's pretty great. It levels slowly, so having it at level 9 on the third floor is excellent.
"Hey, Moose," Taylor said reprovingly. "You must have seen that thing on your minimap. Why no warning?"
Moose: BIG BUG WAS OVER THERE AND NOT MOVING. MOOSE WILL POINT OUT ANYTHING DANGEROUS, BUT MOOSE FRIENDS NEED TO TRAIN SENSE SKILLS TOO, IN CASE MOOSE IS NOT AROUND. ALSO, MOOSE DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE ALL THE FUN FROM THEM.
Levi: I refuse to believe that you have to type in all caps and can't use first-person pronouns. Your Intelligence is five times higher than the pre-Collapse human average. You're putting us on.
Moose: RABBIT GUY IS VERY UNTRUSTING! MOOSE IS DOG, NOT HUMAN! WHY SHOULD DOG AND HUMAN BE SAME-BRAIN??? MOOSE IS SMART BRAIN FOR DOG! ALSO, MOOSE INTELLIGENCE IS NOT 5 TIMES HIGHER THAN PRE-COLLAPSE HUMAN! AFTER MOOSE CHOSE CLASS AND OPENED BOXES IT IS NOW 7.5 TIMES HIGHER!
Earlier...
"Your attention, please!" Levi cried. "Last but by no means least, it gives me great pleasure to announce: Moose, the newly-sapient and level 16 Aralez Seeing Eye Dog!"
Both of Taylor's Metacorpalan bodies had simply walked through the guild's door when they were announced, only to be largely ignored by the passersby.
Drew's loose-limbed mosey had been salvaged from banality solely by the fact that he now looked like an anime character crossed with a light-green Greek god; most of the women on the street, and a fair share of the men, had stared as he came out. One man even walked into a post before recovering and hurrying on his way, blushing.
Calliope had bounced through and posed dramatically for a moment, but deflated when no one on the street gave her a second glance. (Most people didn't give her a first.)
Moose, on the other hand, knew how to make an un-ignorable entrance.
The enormous dog leaped through the barn-sized door of the guild and mantled his wings wide, tipped his head to the sky and let forth a sound so deep and resonant that the word 'howl' was left humbled. No, the only term to match this was 'roar'; Moose roared to the sky, a basso profundo sound that rolled across the small town at such volume that Calliope lay her cat ears flat and covered them with her hands. Everyone on the street jumped and cowered away.
Moose held the note for two full seconds and then folded his wings, sat down, and looked around with a happy doggy smile and just a little bit of derp face.
"And on that remarkably dramatic note," Levi said, sighing. "Now that the barrier is down and I can come inside again, let's get back there so that I can activate Mr Noisy's inventory and everyone can open their boxes."
After the Vespa battle on the previous floor, the party had a fair number of boxes to open. They had all earned a half-dozen Bronze boxes for various things. Taylor and Drew had earned Silver 'Ambush Assassin' boxes for killing over fifty enemies in a single attack while striking from hiding. Calliope and Moose had both earned Gold 'Master Baiter' boxes for leading over 1,000 enemies into an ambush box. And, of course, everyone had earned a Silver 'Choosing an Earth Class' box.
Calliope was tempted to hold off on opening her boxes in order to wait until she had more and could use her Rollup skill to generate something even better, but Levi insisted that they all open these since the 'Choosing an Earth Class' boxes were special awards.
Earth Hobby Potion
Per subsection 1256-C of the Indigenous Species Protection Act, this particular reward is required by the Syndicate Government to be awarded to all Crawlers who have chosen a domestic class.
Taking this potion is optional, however it may not be sold or transferred to other Crawlers or entities.
Upon drinking this, you will immediately obtain a Level Three skill ability in a unique, Earth-based hobby. The benefit is chosen at random, however you will not receive a skill that you currently have.
Gods, I hate it when the lawyers make me put their crap into the descriptions. Don't you? Anyway, this could be something useful like Parkour or Jiu-jitsu, or you could get fucked and receive some useless crap like Stamp Collecting or Kombucha Brewing. Don't get your hopes up. The fact your planet was filled with so many boring assholes with inane, ridiculous hobbies tips the scales way out of your favor.
While it was true that 'Earth Hobby Potion' was a special award, everyone including Levi ended up agreeing it would have been better to wait until the boxes could have been rolled up. Sadly, the universe did not care, so Calliope, Drew, and Taylor were each stuck with a brand new level 3 skill in, respectively, Sudoku, Mixology, and Dorodango. It was remarkably underwhelming, especially since Taylor had no idea what dorodango was.
As disappointing as the Earth boxes were, the others mostly made up for it. Drew and Taylor received more potions and Confusing Fog scrolls in their Bronze boxes, and a potion in their Silver boxes that gave them +2 to the Assassination skill, which increased their damage by 50% per level when attacking from ambush. Taylor also received several more bags of Kobold Fire Gel.
Calliope's six Bronze boxes rolled up into three Silver boxes. That should have combined with her Silver 'Choosing an Earth Class' box to form a Gold box but, sadly, her Rollup skill was still only level 1. On the bright side, the experience bar on the skill ticked up.
Her Silver boxes contained a plethora of health and mana potions and scrolls, the same kind but vastly more than everyone was receiving in their Bronze boxes. There were also a trio of Notice Me! scrolls that caused mobs to pay more attention to her, thereby making her a better distraction and boosting the power of her Taunt spell by 100%. Her Gold box contained the Bandana of Daredevil Distraction, a black bandana with a white design of a fist with upraised middle finger. When worn around the neck it gave +1 Intelligence, +1 Constitution, +3 Dexterity, +3 Charisma. When pulled up over the face so that the design showed, it also gave her +4 to her Taunt spell.
Then it was time for Moose to open his boxes.
Everyone goggled when the massive dog clicked 'Open Loot Boxes' on his newly-available interface and the boxes faded into existence. He had been accumulating them for two full floors now and there were so many that the room wasn't long enough for them to appear in the normal orderly line. Instead, they spread out in a wide fan that had boxes stacked one on top of the other all the way to the ceiling. They did not overlap with existing objects, but they did push things aside in order to make room as the boxes appeared. Levi and the humans ended up on the floor with their chairs overturned and Moose doggy-laughing smugly at them. And then the boxes started hopping out of the stack, trotting up to Moose, and flipping themselves open.
Taylor stopped counting Bronze boxes at seventy-five, although there were plenty more after that. Next came twenty-seven Silver boxes, a Gold box, a trio of Platinum boxes...and three Legendary boxes.
The Bronze boxes contained plenty of Heal Critter scrolls, as well as what looked like the contents of someone's shopping carts after completing one of those 'Win Everything You Can Grab in 30 Seconds' contests in a PetCo. There were a wide array of doggy sweaters and hats, many of them holiday-themed. There were booties, rawhide bones, collars too small to be worn and leashes too thin to matter.
Moose's Silver 'Choosing an Earth Class' box contained an Earth Hobby Potion that gave him a level 3 'Bounding' skill that allowed him to jump farther and higher.
His Gold 'Master Baiter' box gave him the Crupper of the Philharmonic Pheromonic Furiousity, which allowed him to issue forth a level 15 Mob Madness spell. It would cause every red-tagged mob within 150 yards to be hit with a powerful Taunt effect. It also caused him to fart. Loudly.
The Platinum 'Early Adopter' box had been received for being one of the first ten crawlers into the dungeon. It held a tier-1 pet carrier, the baby brother of the pokeball that Levi had used as an insta-bed for Moose. It allowed the bearer to put their pet or familiar into extra-dimensional storage and retrieve them later. Moose read the description and then happily nosed it over to Taylor. It was an excellent find, since the tier-3 pet carrier and the tier-3 bed had been taken away at the instant the team ended path selection.
The second Platinum box was a 'Buggy Windshield' box obtained for using his body and Legion Rush skill as a battering ram to literally liquify a group of Vespa. It yielded the Peytral of Protection, a piece of chest armor that gave Moose an unnecessary yet still appreciated +4 Constitution and, more significantly, 5% damage reduction from kinetic damage.
The third Platinum box, a 'Smarty Pants' box obtained for becoming sapient in the dungeon, held a small capsule labeled Indecision Capsule. Unlike most items, the AI read the description of this one aloud. It said:
Decision time! You can eat this and gain +8 to your two lowest stats, or you can unroll it into a sticker that can be applied to an eligible piece of equipment. (Hint: your idiot blonde sidekick's skateboard is eligible!) That piece of equipment will receive an immediate but unspecified upgrade. Might be lame, might be epic. Who knows?! Warning: This item has a Short Shelf Life. This item will expire thirty minutes after you finish reading its description. In other words, this isn't something you can hoard. Don't be a wuss. Make your decision!
The timer had been at 29:59 when Moose nudged the capsule over to Calliope. She thanked him, applied the sticker to her board, and squeed in delight when the board started hovering. She spent the rest of Moose's box-opening time tricking around the room with her wheels an inch off the floor.
Moose's first Legendary box had been the Prepper box that all four of them had received for bringing such a massive collection of gear into the dungeon. The box was the size of a refrigerator. It opened amidst much spinning and twirling and spraying of smelly mists that repulsed the humans and delighted Moose. Inside was a crystal decanter containing a viscous liquid the same color as cartoon toxic waste. Moose examined it, then snorted in amusement and gestured the others to check the description.
Bonded Potion of Soulbond
This potion can only be drunk by a Soulbonded Familiar. Grants +6 to the Soulbond skill. This item has a Short Shelf Life, and you know what that means! Glug, glug, motherfucker!
The humans laughed at the description and then passed it back to Moose, who happily pulled it into his inventory and activated it from his hotlist. A moment later he shimmered and a rush of sensations flooded through Taylor.
"Wow," Taylor said, looking over at his friend with new awareness. The bond between them had only been at level 3, meaning that when the potion jumped it to level 9 it had instantly tripled the intensity of their connection. "Moose...hi there."
Moose tongue-lolled happily back at him. His eyes drifted closed in pleasure when Taylor reached out without thinking and scratched exactly the right spot where that itch had been building up behind Moose's shoulder.
"Careful," Levi said. "As his Soulbonded skill levels up you'll find stuff bleeding back and forth. Emotional states, pain, that kind of thing. It's not generally a big deal when it levels naturally since you have a chance to get used to it as it goes, but it can take some adjustment when it jumps multiple levels like that."
"We'll be careful," Taylor said absently. He couldn't feel Moose's actual sensation of being petted, but it was relaxing for both of them and the effect echoed back and forth across the link, leaving both man and dog at peace and floating in a cloud of zen.
Taylor and Moose might have preferred to simply Take A Goddamn Moment but, sadly, the dungeon waits on no dog. The next Legendary box, a Loyal Companion box earned for being the first dog into the dungeon, landed in front of Moose with a crash of trumpets and an explosion of tinfoil streamers. Which was very off-brand, since the box looked like a green rose with red frosting at the tips. It struck the ground and spun like a ballerina, the petals flowering open to reveal a potion bottle filled with pulsing golden treacle. Visibly eager to be done with this, Moose glanced at the description and then immediately gulped the potion down.
The Legendary flower box dissolved into a fountain of sparks and was replaced by the third and final Legendary box, a Just Under the Wire box acquired for achieving sapience while path selection was in progress. This one looked like a block of meat the size of a fireplug. It had the same texture, the same glistening wetness, and the same scent as a block of high-quality steak. Moose stuck his nose over it and took a loooong, deep breath, eyes closing in satisfaction. Then he bit the top half off the box.
Nestled within the thus-revealed space was a pair of dog tags on a metal necklace, precisely like what the Army issued to every new GI. Moose studied them for a moment, chewing absently on the enormous hunk of meat that he'd bitten out of the box. After a moment he chuffed in satisfaction and nudged at the item. It disappeared into his inventory, then promptly reappeared around his neck. The box shivered and collapsed into a pile of neatly-wrapped steaks, which Moose happily took into his inventory.
"What have you got there, boy?" Taylor asked, leaning closer to look at the dog tags. Moose lifted his chin and turned slightly to make it easier for his person to examine the item.
Bonded Tags of Non-Terrifyingness
Are you a giant dog? Can you no longer sleep on your person's bed without destroying it? Do you have trouble fitting through normal doors? Are you so terrifyingly huge that people piss themselves whenever they see your teeth, even if it's just because you're yawning? Well, worry no more!
The wearer gains +10 Charisma (in order to seem friendlier), +10 Dexterity (so that he doesn't bump into people), and can reduce his size by up to 75%, meaning he can go from (for example) 8' at the shoulder to 2' at the shoulder, or any size in between. Size changing maintains proportions.
Also, what the hell. I'll throw in +3 Intelligence. It's a little gratuitous but the dog being as smart as anyone else in the party is fuckin' hilarious.
These tags can be worn by anyone with a crawler ID greater than 5 and less than 7.
Cooldown on changing size: 10 minutes
Levi read the description and glowered. "Depths, I wish we'd known about this before we ignored Bomb Sniffer Dog."
Moose: RABBIT GUY IS VERY UNTRUSTING! MOOSE IS DOG, NOT HUMAN! WHY SHOULD DOG AND HUMAN BE SAME-BRAIN??? MOOSE IS SMART BRAIN FOR DOG! ALSO, MOOSE INTELLIGENCE IS NOT 5 TIMES HIGHER THAN PRE-COLLAPSE HUMAN! AFTER MOOSE CHOSE CLASS AND OPENED BOXES IT IS NOW 7.5 TIMES HIGHER!"Your attention, please!" Levi cried. "Last but by no means least, it gives me great pleasure to announce: Moose, the newly-sapient and level 16 Aralez Seeing Eye Dog!"
Slightly earlier still...
"Boring Ol' Fighter is pretty epic," Drew said, from where he lay on the floor with his right hand trapped in the field that barred the door to the outside. "Moose, you've got Strength and Constitution for days and you're already doing massive damage. With the damage multiplier skills this gives, things would basically explode when you swatted them."
"Levi says 'true, but the rest of the party doesn't have good damage output yet'," Taylor Gold said, relaying the words that Levi had spoken to Taylor's other body where the two sat outside the guild hall. "'The rules for how the AI distributes experience are opaque and complicated, but it isn't divided evenly. It's not strictly based on how much damage each person deals out, but that's part of it. If Moose is fighting alongside you then he's going to do the majority of the damage and he's going to get the majority of the experience. It will stunt everyone else's growth, which means he'll need to stay back a lot of the time and only join in when you guys need saving, and that will stunt his growth. Granted, this will become less of an issue as you progress and the rest of you power up to match him." He paused. "He then adds, 'although you will definitely need massive damage output on the later floors, so it's worth considering.'"
"What about the other classes?" Calliope asked. "Seeing Eye Dog gives him Pathfinder, that 'embiggen map' skill that Levi said was so important, and also a bunch of other skills for finding stuff."
"Levi says, 'also a good option'," Taylor Gold said after a moment. "'You can't punch your way through the dungeon. You'll need to be able to talk NPCs into doing things for you and, probably most importantly, you'll need to find stairwells. That's going to be easy on these next couple of floors but a lot harder once you get deeper.'"
Moose: MOOSE THINKS MAYBE MOOSE SHOULD NOT TAKE FIGHTER CLASS! MOOSE IS ALREADY TOUGH AND PUNCHY AND IS EASIER FOR HUMANS TO GET VERY PUNCHY BUT HARDER FOR THEM TO GET NIFTY SMART-BRAIN SKILLS LIKE PATHFINDER. MAYBE MOOSE SHOULD GO WITH SEEING-EYE DOG SO THAT MOOSE CAN FIND EXITS AND MOBS AND TREASURE SO THAT WHOLE PARTY CAN PUNCH IT?
Moose: MOOSE MEANT PUNCH THE MOBS, NOT THE TREASURE. PUNCHING TREASURE IS SILLY.
"We knew what you meant," Drew said, amused. He used his free hand to pet Moose's shoulder.
"Levi says that Bounty Hunter is a decent option," Taylor Gold said. "It's got Pathfinder and access to both the Desperado Club and Club Vanquisher, plus the ability to bring other party members into those places. The Wanted, Dead skill is a good source of money and money is going to be important. Decent or not, he thinks it's not as good as the other choices."
Moose: MOOSE IS NOT SURE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HUNTING AND KILLING CRAWLERS, EVEN ONES WHO HAVE KILLED OTHER CRAWLERS AND HAVE SKULLS.
"Let's put a pin in that one, then," Taylor Gold said. "What about Bomb Sniffer Dog?"
Moose: MOOSE KIND OF LIKES BANANA FARMER! BANANA FARMER IS FUNNY AND GOOD FOR VIEWS! ALSO POWERFUL!
"Levi agrees with that," Taylor Gold said. "It gives a ranged attack, ranged awareness—although it's short range—and some good plant-based abilities. Still, it's a gimmick class and how good it becomes really depends on what special abilities the AI gives you for the Imbue Plants skill, so he's tentatively against it. He's also thumbs-down on the Bomb Sniffer Dog class, although only slightly. It gives really good trap management abilities and the Escape Plan skill is a big deal; Levi says he would recommend it if Moose were human, or even just a smaller dog, but with Moose as big as he is there's going to be plenty of places he can't get into in order to disarm or set traps."
Moose: MOOSE HAS DECIDED. MOOSE WANTS SEEING-EYE DOG! IS EASY FOR PEOPLES TO GET BETTER AT HITTING THINGS, IT WILL HAPPEN NATURALLY. IS MUCH HARDER TO GET NEW INFORMATION SKILLS, AND GETTING THEM LATER MEANS THEY NOT GOOD. IS BETTER IF MOOSE GETS THEM NOW, START EMGOODENING THEM RIGHT AWAY.
There was a brief moment of silence and then Taylor Gold smiled. "Well, that pretty much ends the discussion. Moose, go for it."
"Boring Ol' Fighter is pretty epic," Drew said, from where he lay on the floor with his right hand trapped in the field that barred the door to the outside. "Moose, you've got Strength and Constitution for days and you're already doing massive damage. With the damage multiplier skills this gives, things would basically explode when you swatted them."
"Levi says 'true, but the rest of the party doesn't have good damage output yet'," Taylor Gold said, relaying the words that Levi had spoken to Taylor's other body where the two sat outside the guild hall. "'The rules for how the AI distributes experience are opaque and complicated, but it isn't divided evenly. It's not strictly based on how much damage each person deals out, but that's part of it. If Moose is fighting alongside you then he's going to do the majority of the damage and he's going to get the majority of the experience. It will stunt everyone else's growth, which means he'll need to stay back a lot of the time and only join in when you guys need saving, and that will stunt his growth. Granted, this will become less of an issue as you progress and the rest of you power up to match him." He paused. "He then adds, 'although you will definitely need massive damage output on the later floors, so it's worth considering.'"
"What about the other classes?" Calliope asked. "Seeing Eye Dog gives him Pathfinder, that 'embiggen map' skill that Levi said was so important, and also a bunch of other skills for finding stuff."
"Levi says, 'also a good option'," Taylor Gold said after a moment. "'You can't punch your way through the dungeon. You'll need to be able to talk NPCs into doing things for you and, probably most importantly, you'll need to find stairwells. That's going to be easy on these next couple of floors but a lot harder once you get deeper.'"
Moose: MOOSE THINKS MAYBE MOOSE SHOULD NOT TAKE FIGHTER CLASS! MOOSE IS ALREADY TOUGH AND PUNCHY AND IS EASIER FOR HUMANS TO GET VERY PUNCHY BUT HARDER FOR THEM TO GET NIFTY SMART-BRAIN SKILLS LIKE PATHFINDER. MAYBE MOOSE SHOULD GO WITH SEEING-EYE DOG SO THAT MOOSE CAN FIND EXITS AND MOBS AND TREASURE SO THAT WHOLE PARTY CAN PUNCH IT?
Moose: MOOSE MEANT PUNCH THE MOBS, NOT THE TREASURE. PUNCHING TREASURE IS SILLY.
"We knew what you meant," Drew said, amused. He used his free hand to pet Moose's shoulder.
"Levi says that Bounty Hunter is a decent option," Taylor Gold said. "It's got Pathfinder and access to both the Desperado Club and Club Vanquisher, plus the ability to bring other party members into those places. The Wanted, Dead skill is a good source of money and money is going to be important. Decent or not, he thinks it's not as good as the other choices."
Moose: MOOSE IS NOT SURE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HUNTING AND KILLING CRAWLERS, EVEN ONES WHO HAVE KILLED OTHER CRAWLERS AND HAVE SKULLS.
"Let's put a pin in that one, then," Taylor Gold said. "What about Bomb Sniffer Dog?"
Moose: MOOSE KIND OF LIKES BANANA FARMER! BANANA FARMER IS FUNNY AND GOOD FOR VIEWS! ALSO POWERFUL!
"Levi agrees with that," Taylor Gold said. "It gives a ranged attack, ranged awareness—although it's short range—and some good plant-based abilities. Still, it's a gimmick class and how good it becomes really depends on what special abilities the AI gives you for the Imbue Plants skill, so he's tentatively against it. He's also thumbs-down on the Bomb Sniffer Dog class, although only slightly. It gives really good trap management abilities and the Escape Plan skill is a big deal; Levi says he would recommend it if Moose were human, or even just a smaller dog, but with Moose as big as he is there's going to be plenty of places he can't get into in order to disarm or set traps."
Moose: MOOSE HAS DECIDED. MOOSE WANTS SEEING-EYE DOG! IS EASY FOR PEOPLES TO GET BETTER AT HITTING THINGS, IT WILL HAPPEN NATURALLY. IS MUCH HARDER TO GET NEW INFORMATION SKILLS, AND GETTING THEM LATER MEANS THEY NOT GOOD. IS BETTER IF MOOSE GETS THEM NOW, START EMGOODENING THEM RIGHT AWAY.
There was a brief moment of silence and then Taylor Gold smiled. "Well, that pretty much ends the discussion. Moose, go for it."
Both of Taylor's Metacorpalan bodies had simply walked through the guild's door when they were announced, only to be largely ignored by the passersby.
Drew's loose-limbed mosey had been salvaged from banality solely by the fact that he now looked like an anime character crossed with a light-green Greek god; most of the women on the street, and a fair share of the men, had stared as he came out. One man even walked into a post before recovering and hurrying on his way, blushing.
Calliope had bounced through and posed dramatically for a moment, but deflated when no one on the street gave her a second glance. (Most people didn't give her a first.)
Moose, on the other hand, knew how to make an un-ignorable entrance.
The enormous dog leaped through the barn-sized door of the guild and mantled his wings wide, tipped his head to the sky and let forth a sound so deep and resonant that the word 'howl' was left humbled. No, the only term to match this was 'roar'; Moose roared to the sky, a basso profundo sound that rolled across the small town at such volume that Calliope lay her cat ears flat and covered them with her hands. Everyone on the street jumped and cowered away.
Moose held the note for two full seconds and then folded his wings, sat down, and looked around with a happy doggy smile and just a little bit of derp face.
"And on that remarkably dramatic note," Levi said, sighing. "Now that the barrier is down and I can come inside again, let's get back there so that I can activate Mr Noisy's inventory and everyone can open their boxes."
After the Vespa battle on the previous floor, the party had a fair number of boxes to open. They had all earned a half-dozen Bronze boxes for various things. Taylor and Drew had earned Silver 'Ambush Assassin' boxes for killing over fifty enemies in a single attack while striking from hiding. Calliope and Moose had both earned Gold 'Master Baiter' boxes for leading over 1,000 enemies into an ambush box. And, of course, everyone had earned a Silver 'Choosing an Earth Class' box.
Calliope was tempted to hold off on opening her boxes in order to wait until she had more and could use her Rollup skill to generate something even better, but Levi insisted that they all open these since the 'Choosing an Earth Class' boxes were special awards.
Earth Hobby Potion
Per subsection 1256-C of the Indigenous Species Protection Act, this particular reward is required by the Syndicate Government to be awarded to all Crawlers who have chosen a domestic class.
Taking this potion is optional, however it may not be sold or transferred to other Crawlers or entities.
Upon drinking this, you will immediately obtain a Level Three skill ability in a unique, Earth-based hobby. The benefit is chosen at random, however you will not receive a skill that you currently have.
Gods, I hate it when the lawyers make me put their crap into the descriptions. Don't you? Anyway, this could be something useful like Parkour or Jiu-jitsu, or you could get fucked and receive some useless crap like Stamp Collecting or Kombucha Brewing. Don't get your hopes up. The fact your planet was filled with so many boring assholes with inane, ridiculous hobbies tips the scales way out of your favor.
While it was true that 'Earth Hobby Potion' was a special award, everyone including Levi ended up agreeing it would have been better to wait until the boxes could have been rolled up. Sadly, the universe did not care, so Calliope, Drew, and Taylor were each stuck with a brand new level 3 skill in, respectively, Sudoku, Mixology, and Dorodango. It was remarkably underwhelming, especially since Taylor had no idea what dorodango was.
As disappointing as the Earth boxes were, the others mostly made up for it. Drew and Taylor received more potions and Confusing Fog scrolls in their Bronze boxes, and a potion in their Silver boxes that gave them +2 to the Assassination skill, which increased their damage by 50% per level when attacking from ambush. Taylor also received several more bags of Kobold Fire Gel.
Calliope's six Bronze boxes rolled up into three Silver boxes. That should have combined with her Silver 'Choosing an Earth Class' box to form a Gold box but, sadly, her Rollup skill was still only level 1. On the bright side, the experience bar on the skill ticked up.
Her Silver boxes contained a plethora of health and mana potions and scrolls, the same kind but vastly more than everyone was receiving in their Bronze boxes. There were also a trio of Notice Me! scrolls that caused mobs to pay more attention to her, thereby making her a better distraction and boosting the power of her Taunt spell by 100%. Her Gold box contained the Bandana of Daredevil Distraction, a black bandana with a white design of a fist with upraised middle finger. When worn around the neck it gave +1 Intelligence, +1 Constitution, +3 Dexterity, +3 Charisma. When pulled up over the face so that the design showed, it also gave her +4 to her Taunt spell.
Then it was time for Moose to open his boxes.
Everyone goggled when the massive dog clicked 'Open Loot Boxes' on his newly-available interface and the boxes faded into existence. He had been accumulating them for two full floors now and there were so many that the room wasn't long enough for them to appear in the normal orderly line. Instead, they spread out in a wide fan that had boxes stacked one on top of the other all the way to the ceiling. They did not overlap with existing objects, but they did push things aside in order to make room as the boxes appeared. Levi and the humans ended up on the floor with their chairs overturned and Moose doggy-laughing smugly at them. And then the boxes started hopping out of the stack, trotting up to Moose, and flipping themselves open.
Taylor stopped counting Bronze boxes at seventy-five, although there were plenty more after that. Next came twenty-seven Silver boxes, a Gold box, a trio of Platinum boxes...and three Legendary boxes.
The Bronze boxes contained plenty of Heal Critter scrolls, as well as what looked like the contents of someone's shopping carts after completing one of those 'Win Everything You Can Grab in 30 Seconds' contests in a PetCo. There were a wide array of doggy sweaters and hats, many of them holiday-themed. There were booties, rawhide bones, collars too small to be worn and leashes too thin to matter.
Moose's Silver 'Choosing an Earth Class' box contained an Earth Hobby Potion that gave him a level 3 'Bounding' skill that allowed him to jump farther and higher.
His Gold 'Master Baiter' box gave him the Crupper of the Philharmonic Pheromonic Furiousity, which allowed him to issue forth a level 15 Mob Madness spell. It would cause every red-tagged mob within 150 yards to be hit with a powerful Taunt effect. It also caused him to fart. Loudly.
The Platinum 'Early Adopter' box had been received for being one of the first ten crawlers into the dungeon. It held a tier-1 pet carrier, the baby brother of the pokeball that Levi had used as an insta-bed for Moose. It allowed the bearer to put their pet or familiar into extra-dimensional storage and retrieve them later. Moose read the description and then happily nosed it over to Taylor. It was an excellent find, since the tier-3 pet carrier and the tier-3 bed had been taken away at the instant the team ended path selection.
The second Platinum box was a 'Buggy Windshield' box obtained for using his body and Legion Rush skill as a battering ram to literally liquify a group of Vespa. It yielded the Peytral of Protection, a piece of chest armor that gave Moose an unnecessary yet still appreciated +4 Constitution and, more significantly, 5% damage reduction from kinetic damage.
The third Platinum box, a 'Smarty Pants' box obtained for becoming sapient in the dungeon, held a small capsule labeled Indecision Capsule. Unlike most items, the AI read the description of this one aloud. It said:
Decision time! You can eat this and gain +8 to your two lowest stats, or you can unroll it into a sticker that can be applied to an eligible piece of equipment. (Hint: your idiot blonde sidekick's skateboard is eligible!) That piece of equipment will receive an immediate but unspecified upgrade. Might be lame, might be epic. Who knows?! Warning: This item has a Short Shelf Life. This item will expire thirty minutes after you finish reading its description. In other words, this isn't something you can hoard. Don't be a wuss. Make your decision!
The timer had been at 29:59 when Moose nudged the capsule over to Calliope. She thanked him, applied the sticker to her board, and squeed in delight when the board started hovering. She spent the rest of Moose's box-opening time tricking around the room with her wheels an inch off the floor.
Moose's first Legendary box had been the Prepper box that all four of them had received for bringing such a massive collection of gear into the dungeon. The box was the size of a refrigerator. It opened amidst much spinning and twirling and spraying of smelly mists that repulsed the humans and delighted Moose. Inside was a crystal decanter containing a viscous liquid the same color as cartoon toxic waste. Moose examined it, then snorted in amusement and gestured the others to check the description.
Bonded Potion of Soulbond
This potion can only be drunk by a Soulbonded Familiar. Grants +6 to the Soulbond skill. This item has a Short Shelf Life, and you know what that means! Glug, glug, motherfucker!
The humans laughed at the description and then passed it back to Moose, who happily pulled it into his inventory and activated it from his hotlist. A moment later he shimmered and a rush of sensations flooded through Taylor.
Much more previously, during the tutorial...
"Oh, wow," Levi said. "You lucked out with that one. 'Legendary Familiar' means that both of you will always know the distance and direction to each other and you'll be aware if the other one gets hurt. You'll have an empathic communication that will enhance his ability to understand spoken commands and possibley even communicate with him at range.
"Better yet, he's Soulbonded. To start with, that means that his damage is increased by a percentage equal to his level plus your level times the level of the skill. After Soulbonded hits level 10 some spells will start to work differently—you'll be able to share things with him that would normally be caster-only, cast them through him, whatever. At level 15 you'll be able to see through each other's eyes."
"Cool," Taylor said, smiling with teeth.
"Oh, wow," Levi said. "You lucked out with that one. 'Legendary Familiar' means that both of you will always know the distance and direction to each other and you'll be aware if the other one gets hurt. You'll have an empathic communication that will enhance his ability to understand spoken commands and possibley even communicate with him at range.
"Better yet, he's Soulbonded. To start with, that means that his damage is increased by a percentage equal to his level plus your level times the level of the skill. After Soulbonded hits level 10 some spells will start to work differently—you'll be able to share things with him that would normally be caster-only, cast them through him, whatever. At level 15 you'll be able to see through each other's eyes."
"Cool," Taylor said, smiling with teeth.
"Wow," Taylor said, looking over at his friend with new awareness. The bond between them had only been at level 3, meaning that when the potion jumped it to level 9 it had instantly tripled the intensity of their connection. "Moose...hi there."
Moose tongue-lolled happily back at him. His eyes drifted closed in pleasure when Taylor reached out without thinking and scratched exactly the right spot where that itch had been building up behind Moose's shoulder.
"Careful," Levi said. "As his Soulbonded skill levels up you'll find stuff bleeding back and forth. Emotional states, pain, that kind of thing. It's not generally a big deal when it levels naturally since you have a chance to get used to it as it goes, but it can take some adjustment when it jumps multiple levels like that."
"We'll be careful," Taylor said absently. He couldn't feel Moose's actual sensation of being petted, but it was relaxing for both of them and the effect echoed back and forth across the link, leaving both man and dog at peace and floating in a cloud of zen.
Taylor and Moose might have preferred to simply Take A Goddamn Moment but, sadly, the dungeon waits on no dog. The next Legendary box, a Loyal Companion box earned for being the first dog into the dungeon, landed in front of Moose with a crash of trumpets and an explosion of tinfoil streamers. Which was very off-brand, since the box looked like a green rose with red frosting at the tips. It struck the ground and spun like a ballerina, the petals flowering open to reveal a potion bottle filled with pulsing golden treacle. Visibly eager to be done with this, Moose glanced at the description and then immediately gulped the potion down.
The Legendary flower box dissolved into a fountain of sparks and was replaced by the third and final Legendary box, a Just Under the Wire box acquired for achieving sapience while path selection was in progress. This one looked like a block of meat the size of a fireplug. It had the same texture, the same glistening wetness, and the same scent as a block of high-quality steak. Moose stuck his nose over it and took a loooong, deep breath, eyes closing in satisfaction. Then he bit the top half off the box.
Nestled within the thus-revealed space was a pair of dog tags on a metal necklace, precisely like what the Army issued to every new GI. Moose studied them for a moment, chewing absently on the enormous hunk of meat that he'd bitten out of the box. After a moment he chuffed in satisfaction and nudged at the item. It disappeared into his inventory, then promptly reappeared around his neck. The box shivered and collapsed into a pile of neatly-wrapped steaks, which Moose happily took into his inventory.
"What have you got there, boy?" Taylor asked, leaning closer to look at the dog tags. Moose lifted his chin and turned slightly to make it easier for his person to examine the item.
Bonded Tags of Non-Terrifyingness
Are you a giant dog? Can you no longer sleep on your person's bed without destroying it? Do you have trouble fitting through normal doors? Are you so terrifyingly huge that people piss themselves whenever they see your teeth, even if it's just because you're yawning? Well, worry no more!
The wearer gains +10 Charisma (in order to seem friendlier), +10 Dexterity (so that he doesn't bump into people), and can reduce his size by up to 75%, meaning he can go from (for example) 8' at the shoulder to 2' at the shoulder, or any size in between. Size changing maintains proportions.
Also, what the hell. I'll throw in +3 Intelligence. It's a little gratuitous but the dog being as smart as anyone else in the party is fuckin' hilarious.
These tags can be worn by anyone with a crawler ID greater than 5 and less than 7.
Cooldown on changing size: 10 minutes
Levi read the description and glowered. "Depths, I wish we'd known about this before we ignored Bomb Sniffer Dog."
"Seriously, Moose," Taylor said. "The shouty-caps is hard to deal with. Tone it down."
Moose stopped walking for a moment, looking slightly up and tipping his head back and forth as he clearly fiddled with his interface.
Moose: moose found caps lock and disabled it so now is no more shouty caps is better
"Moose," Taylor said, some heat coming into his voice. "Cut it out. You've been using punctuation this whole time."
Moose spent another few seconds poking at his interface.
Moose: is hard to use punctu-thingies when not in big letter mode. moose must activate and deactivate caps lock key each time. very pesky, but moose will do it if it makes taylor happy. moose is good dog and wants taylor to be happy.
"'Activate and deactivate'?" Taylor asked. "That's pretty high-falutin' language for someone who claims not to be smart."
Moose: moose is smart! remembers everything from always. moose heard gramma and grampa and taylor and danni and drew use nifty words sometimes. moose uses properly, yes?
The enormous dog cocked his head and panted happily, looking like an absolute doofus.
"Moose," Calliope said from where she crouched atop a nearby wall fragment, "you don't have to use the caps lock key or any key. You can just think and the system transcribes for you."
Moose cocked his head farther, first one way and then the other.
Moose: calliope is very smart! calliope has human interface, clearly much different than doggy interface. calliope can think-speak for chat but moose can loot bodies and open doors without touching them. can calliope loot bodies and open doors without touching them? moose does not think so! why then should chat interfaces work the same?
Taylor rolled his eyes. "Fine. Let's keep going. And tell us when you see a mob, okay?"
Moose: moose will tell. moose still thinks is bad idea and his peoples should train up their senses themselves while moose makes sure nothing gets close enough to endanger us.
"'Endanger us'," Taylor said, looking significantly at Drew.
Moose: moose is smart brain dog! could maybe stand to have some classes on diction but is still smart brain dog!
o-o-o-o
Fifteen minutes and seven Annihilation Darted enemies later, the group regained the dusty road and resumed their calm and orderly procession towards the large skyfowl settlement. (So long as 'calm and orderly' allowed for a catgirl riding her skateboard, which now hovered an inch off the ground thanks to the Upgrade Sticker that Moose had given her. Oh, and she turned cartwheels every few yards for no apparent reason.) The sun was high, the air was warm, and the travels were relaxed.
It was another three hours to their destination at the humans' normal traveling pace. Moose got fed up partway there; he galloped forward, wings spread and flapping, until he had enough speed to fold his legs under him and slowly lumber up into the sky. He looped back, spiraling upwards and arooooing in excitement. He dipped and slipped, enjoying the freedom of the skies. He swooped down, then pulled up and climbed higher—
"Moose, be careful!" Taylor shouted, pointlessly reaching out towards his friend with all four hands. "We don't know how high—" The breath went out of him and both of him were driven to the ground by the shared pain of Moose slamming into the invisible ceiling a hundred-ish feet up. The enormous dog crumpled and plummeted into the ruins.
The humans rushed to where Moose had landed; he was unconscious, only a sliver of health remaining, with debuffs stacked up over his head: Unconscious. Stunned. Concussed. Bleeding Internally.
Fortunately, Moose's Bronze and Silver boxes had included plenty of potions and Heal Critter scrolls, the latter having been promptly dispersed among the rest of the party. Given the plentiful supply, what could have been an unforeshadowed but character-defining moment of tragedy and pathos ended up being a minor story beat of mildly alarming humor. Moose was conscious in five minutes, debuff-free and fully healed in thirty, and much more accepting of a slow pace for the rest of the walk. He even looked promptly abashed and did not protest as Taylor scolded him for twenty minutes.
o-o-o-o
They reached the rather unhelpfully-named 'Large Skyfowl Settlement' at what the sun suggested was late afternoon. The city owed more to the modern era than the 'medieval fantasy' dungeon aesthetic might have suggested: for one thing, there was no wall. The road simply ran into the town and buildings sprang up around it. Unlike a real-world city, there was a very defined edge, a point before which no building dared stand and after which buildings crowded close. A pair of suits of armor bracketed the road where the first buildings stood. They were full plate, serviceable and lacking the frilly ornamentation of the Tudors, made from brutalist planes of steel riveted together in dirty action. Each suit held a cruciform sword point-down in front of itself, gauntlets folded on pommel. The swords were right out of an anime, with blades a foot wide and long enough that the pommels were at chest level on the bearers. Such a weapon would have been utterly useless for actual combat, but was exactly what would be expected from a sculptor who had never seen a bladed weapon in his life but had been told to 'give them a cool sword.'
At least, that's what Taylor was thinking as they walked up. And then the suits of armor pivoted as one, gauntlets remaining on pommels as they turned ninety degrees so as to face the incoming crawlers.
Said crawlers froze and backed up a step.
"Ah...hello?" Taylor asked. "Is there a problem? Are we allowed to come in?"
The armors did not move or respond.
"Hey," Calliope said. "It's all good, right? We're friends here. We haven't done anything illegal, we don't want to do anything illegal, life is good. Yah?"
The armors did not move or respond.
Carefully, Taylor stepped forward until he was close enough to examine the properties for the lefthand armor.
Village Guard Swordsman — Level 75
Everyone likes the strong, silent type. In order to find out what's underneath that helmet, you'll have to first kill the guard. Go ahead and give it a try. I double dog dare you.
Village Guards are tasked with protecting the population centers of the third floor from the creatures who roam the Overcity Ruins. They are only on duty when the sun is up, so don't go whining to them for help when it's dark.
"We're...just gonna go on in, if that's okay?" Taylor asked. He started to step forward, then hesitated. He turned and looked back.
"Moose, might be a good time for de-terrifying yourself," he said.
The words had barely left his lips when Moose began to shrink. He left afterimages behind as he did, and also emitted a faint but repeated sound effect that sounded straight out of an '80s cartoon. Seconds later, the monstrous war dog with the wingspan of a Cessna was gone and in his place stood something like a mid-sized Alaskan Husky with adorably stubby little wings. With the change in size, the armor on Moose's head and chest stopped seeming like the battle gear of a formidable warrior and became more like the isn't-that-adorable Christmas outfits into which unfeeling Instagram influencers forced their poor unresisting pets.
Moose walked closer to the nearest guard and sat down, head cocked and tongue lolling in inviting friendliness.
The armor did not move or respond.
Taylor: Levi, we're at the large settlement. There's two village guards here. They stepped into the street when we approached but they haven't said anything or moved otherwise. Their dots are still white on the map. Thoughts?
Levi: If their dots are white then you should be fine. Walk past them, go to the nearest saferoom, but don't go in yet. I want to check in with you guys face-to-face but I'm finishing some stuff here. Got it? Go to a safe room but do not go into a safe room. Stand by the door. Understood?
Drew: You're being weird, Levi.
Levi: Yeah, yeah. Get moving and tell me when you're there.
The crawlers exchanged looks and shrugs, then carefully edged around the guardsmen and hurried away. The immensely overpowered suits of armor twisted their heads to watch them go; whatever was inside the armor had no trouble turning its head a full 180.
The city was surprisingly beautiful. Many of the buildings were wood, with boards and beams two feet wide and wavy medieval glass, and the wood itself polished to a fine glow. The rest were mostly made of sintered brick rejects laid together with a soft-white mortar that gave them a pleasing texture and organic appearance.
The buildings in this area varied from one to four stories with little rhyme or reason. The main streets were wide enough for the party to walk abreast with arms outstretched and fingertip-to-fingertip without difficulty. The side streets varied from 'full-sized Mooses welcome, although a little squeezed' to 'Drew and his newly massive shoulders must turn sideways'. There were no street lights, meaning that the smaller side streets were stygian even several hours before sundown.
The populace were, quite literally, stratified. Above, the skyfowl glided from building to building, ignoring the plebeian masses below to such an extent that they occasionally dropped a load of crap on the streets where people were walking. The upper levels of each building had been constructed for their convenience, with landing perches and large open windows suitable for flying through. The lower levels were the domain of humanoid animals of various types—catkin like Calliope, frogfolk, minotaurs, and more.
The team found a safe room without too much trouble; Moose's Pathfinder-enhanced minimap covered multiple city blocks even when not expanded and the safe rooms were still conveniently labeled. They strode up to a pub named 'The Droopy Pigeon' and paused at the door.
Drew: Hey, Levi, we're standing at the door of the safe room. You ready?
Levi: No. Give me a minute and don't move from where you are.
Calliope sighed. "I hope he hurries up," she grumbled. "I don't mean to be the complainer, but I'm hungry and my feet are tired. I want to sit down and eat something."
"No argument from me," Taylor said. "I wish he wouldn't be so bossy about this."
Drew took a long drag on his joint, held it for a few seconds of consideration, and then let it out. "He's okay. Seems to me that he wants us to succeed but knows how bad the odds are against us. Gonna make anyone a little stress ball, yeah?"
Taylor nodded grudgingly. "I supp—"
Levi: GO IN!! GO INTO THE SAFE ROOM NOW NOW NOW!!!
All three of them jolted in surprise. Calliope was the first to respond; she pulled the door of the pub open and plunged through, the others hot on her heels.
The instant that Drew stepped through the door, there was a crack! of displaced air and Levi appeared, holding a heavy sack in each of his upper hands.
"Yes!" the manager said. He pumped his lower fists and simultaneously shoved both bags at Drew. "Put these away, quick!"
Drew did as he was told without questioning. The bags vanished into his inventory and out of the universe of the crawl.
"A bit of creative acquisition?" Taylor asked, eyebrows raised.
"Absolutely," Levi said. "Damn, haven't had the chance to flex the old thief skills in fifty seasons. When you lot told me that you had arrived at the city I went over to one of the herbalist's and loitered around the back of his building. When you said you were at the safe room I jumped through the window, tossed everything I could see into a couple bags before he knew I was there, and had you guys go inside so I'd be teleported here. It's perfect!"
"Oh?" Calliope asked. "Perfect, huh?"
Levi nodded. "Yup. Some of that stuff will be useful for enchanting later on and the rest of it we can sell. It's valuable."
"You do recall that Drew got 500,000 gold as one of his Wizard Supremacist picks, right?" Taylor asked archly.
"Of course I remember that," Levi said. "And the spellbook of Invulnerability, which really needs to get read by somebody. You won't be able to keep the spellbook after you leave this floor and his Character Actor skill resets."
"Are we going to have problems with the guards because you stole stuff?" Calliope asked, returning to what she considered the key point. "Those guys are the antiwhat. I do not want them pissed at us."
Levi shook his weird head. "There won't be any trouble as long as we don't go back to that town and you don't bring out any of those items where one of the local guards or shopkeepers can see them." He looked around. "Low-end pub? What's up with that? Drew, you've got half a million gold in your pocket. Life is short, man. Don't waste it at a dump like this."
"Oy!" shouted the bartender, a towering cyclops with muscles like a power lifter. He had once had two horns, similar to a bull's except they came out the front and back of his head instead of the sides. The one in the front was broken off almost at the base, leaving only a stubby shard of bone sticking out. His skin was a light red and he wore a leather apron and linen pants. He was polishing the bar with a blue-and-white checked cloth.
"Eh, hold your water," Levi called back. "At least I didn't say 'shithole'."
"A'right, that's it!" the bartender said, tossing the cloth aside and stomping around the bar. "Ima twist youze up!"
"Aaaand, that's our cue to leave," Levi said, skipping out the door while cackling madly. Calliope followed on his heels, likewise giggling.
Taylor and Drew exchanged a very brief glance and a commiserating sigh, then scrambled after Levi and Calliope.
o-o-o-o
"See, this is the kind of place you want to stay at when you've got the dosh," Levi said.
The building in question was six stories tall, making it one of the tallest in the city. The walls were white marble with veins of malachite and gold twining through it. The columns that supported the portico were engraved with scenes of pastoral comfort. Footmen in red uniforms with gold brocade bracketed the door. A trio of young humans slouched around a sign that said 'Valet Stabling'. They looked bored and were being steadily glared at by the more professional doormen.
"Are the beds here magic, like the one you had?" Taylor asked.
"Nah, but they're super comfortable. Plus, all you can eat high-end food, in-house brothel with sex workers who are guaranteed clean and safe, house security, business center, and concierge service."
"First, brothel? Ew," Calliope said. "Second, we don't have time to be laying around. We need to get out there and grind."
"A teenager with a work ethic, cool," Levi said. "But I can't fight beside you and I'd rather stay somewhere comfy. Don't worry, the bedrooms are still considered safe rooms."
"You expect us to pay through the nose so you can have a good buffet?!" Calliope said. "We're going to be out there risking our lives, dude!" She would have continued had Taylor not put a hand on her shoulder.
"It does seem a bit extravagant," Taylor said calmly. "Sure, we've got a lot of money, but aren't we going to need it for later?"
"Yup," Levi said. "You'll want a high-end personal space on the next floor—actually, you'll want two and then conjoin them. It'll cost a few hundred thousand. And then we can spend another million or six on upgrades, easy."
"So is it really smart to be spending for something this lavish?" Taylor asked. "We don't want you to be uncomfortable and I'm fine to stay out of the bedbug place, but I feel like something a little more mid-scale would work. Am I missing something?"
"Yup," Levi said, his weird mouth trifolding open in his weird race's weird grin that was right on the verge of outright laughter. "Follow me."
He led them inside, past the footmen whose clothes were nicer than anything Taylor had ever owned, across the basketball-court-sized lobby, and up to the front desk. Which, of course, was made of polished marble with inlaid gold. The woman at the desk was also dressed better than the Terrans, a fact which Taylor imagined he could see reflected in her eyes even though she maintained a professional smile. She was a catkin, like Calliope except taller, leaner, and more feminine, with golden fur instead of Calliope's calico markings. She wore a nametag that said 'Gracilee'.
"Good afternoon," Gracilee said. "May I help you...?"
"Yes," Levi said. "We'd like four rooms for four nights."
She looked pointedly at the Terrans and their filthy, sweaty clothes, then back at Levi. "Sir, this hotel is rather expensive. I could perhaps recommend something a bit more affordable...?"
Levi waved her off impatiently. "Just give us the room rates. Four rooms. Adjacent, third floor, by the stairs."
"It's a thousand gold per night, sir. Per room." She paused. "That would be sixteen thousand for all of you for four nights." The words danced back and forth across the narrow line that divided 'condescending' from 'almost apologetic'.
"Cool. Drew, pay the woman."
"If you'll pardon me, sir," the woman said, interrupting before Drew could move. "I'm afraid the policy is 'no pets'." She looked significantly at Moose.
"He's not a pet," Taylor said, struggling to keep the annoyance out of his voice. "He's a crawler. He's probably smarter than anyone in this room."
The desk clerk seemed nonplussed but also unmoved.
"I'm sorry," she said after a moment. "I'm afraid I don't have discretion on this. The hotel's rule is that you need to be able to communicate in order to be considered a guest."
"He can use the chat sys—" Taylor started to say, only to be cut off by Moose snooting his leg.
Moose: is okay. put moose in pet carrier. if anything goes bad, bring moose out and bad guys get big surprise! but maybe grab some croissant off the buffet for moose? croissant are yummy. oh, and bacon. get lots of bacon! and maybe some steak. only the good bits, though. skip the bones.
"Really?" Taylor said, looking down at his friend. "I thought you liked beef bones?"
Moose: bones taste like meat. is okay if can't get actual meat, but is better to just have the meat. especially with magic storage that prevents decomposition so that moose can keep the meat fresh for always.
"You know you're not fooling anyone with the 'dumb dog' routine, right?" Taylor asked. "Dumb dogs don't say 'prevents decomposition'. I wouldn't say 'prevents decomposition'."
Moose tipped his head in confusion and smiled vapidly.
Moose: moose learned 'prevents decomposition' from danni. moose thought it sounded smart and moose likes talking smart. oh, and taylor wasn't there when she said it.
"Uh-huh. Fine." He pulled out the pet carrier—a small green cube with finger-shaped indentations on two sides—and pointed it at Moose. There was a brief flicker of light and the dog vanished.
"There," Taylor said to the desk clerk. "Can we get a damn room now?"
Gracilee's lips tightened in annoyance for just a moment but then she forced herself to smile again. "I apologize for being so blunt about it, but I'm afraid that we have something of a dress code, and—"
Drew stepped forward and waved his hand over the desk in front of her. In its wake appeared stacks upon stacks of gold coins. Each was about the size of an American half-dollar, with a kua-tin embossed on one side and a picture of the Earth stamped on the other.
"Oh, and give her an extra five grand," Levi said. "We're going to have expenses."
Drew didn't argue. He waved and more coins appeared.
"Now," Levi said, "as to the dress code issue: as you noticed, we need some better clothes for dinner tonight. Can you send a tailor up to our rooms and put it on the tab?"
Suddenly, Gracilee's smile was no longer forced. "Of course, sir! There are several high-end tailors in the city. Will you be in the rooms for the next hour? I should be able to have someone here by then. Do you have preferences on fabric, style...?"
Levi shook his head. "Not really. Have him bring a big selection, and some raw fabric. Tell him that we'll want formalwear and battlewear. And yes, we'll be in the rooms for an hour. Also, I'd like to find a friendly game of cards. Is your high-roller lounge running?"
Gracilee glanced at Drew, then back at Levi. She raised an eyebrow.
"The vig is still fifteen percent, right?" Levi asked, a small smile on his face.
She smiled slightly in reply, then nodded. "It is indeed, sir." She glanced down at something out of Taylor's sight. "There's nothing scheduled in the lounge, but I can have Timothy put the word out for you. Tonight, around ten?"
"Tomorrow is better. Make sure the other players are stocked, okay? No penny-ante stuff. I mean to play a serious game."
"Would a five thousand buy-in suit?" she asked.
"Make it ten. I'm feeling lucky."
"Delighted to be of service, sir."
"Oh," Levi said, as though the thought was just occuring to him, "speaking of that. The house provides oversight, right? Last game I got into, two guys were whipping and another tried to cold-deck me."
"Of course. Our dealer is an Ihemet. She can see magic use and is trained to spot sleight of hand and mechanical cheating."
"Brilliant. The keys, please?"
"Welcome to the White Forest Hotel," she said with a smile, handing over four brass keys. Each had a number engraved on the bow: 301, 302, 303, 304. "You're on the third floor, as requested, and the stairs are over there. Please let me know if the hotel can be of any further service."
o-o-o-o
"Jesus fuckballs, what a bitch," Calliope said as they trooped into the sitting area of room 301. "I wanted to smack her."
"Eh, she was just doing her job," Levi said, scooping an elegant blue bottle off the counter and dropping onto a luxurious loveseat.
The 'rooms' were in fact suites consisting of a generous sitting area, a luxurious bathroom with an inground swimming pool masquerading as a bathtub, and a bedroom large enough that it needed three zip codes, one of which was dedicated to the bed.
The sitting areas included a wet bar containing a dozen bottles of various alcohols, two dozen bottles of fancy water and fancier fruit juice, and an array of snacks sufficient to feed a small army.
"You can let Moose out, by the way," the manager said to Taylor, who was standing by the door looking around in bemusement.
"Right," Taylor said, producing the pet carrier and conjuring Moose back into existence.
Moose looked around curiously.
Moose: neat! no time inside carrier thingy. moose was downstairs, now moose is upstairs! very cool. oooh. does moose smell pepperoni?
Moose snuffled at the snack cabinet, then looked up at Taylor with soulful eyes until Taylor tossed the pooch a stick of dried and salted meat the size of a rolling pin.
"Feel free to be a messy eater, Moose," Calliope said from where she was slouched into a chair with her feet up on the coffee table. "Drooling is fine."
"Be nice, Calliope," Taylor said. "It's not the desk clerk who has to clean the place. Moose, eat tidy."
Moose: moose always eats tidy. moose is good dog.
"Yes you are, bud," Taylor said. He scritched behind Moose's ear and thumped him on the side. "Yes you are."
"Huddle up," Levi said, not moving from his lounging position. "Here's the plan: today, we get you guys some decent clothes. While that's happening, I'm going to go downstairs and put some orders in with the concierge. Then we all head over to the Desperado Club to see about an entrance quest that will get you a pass for the club. Depending on what they have, maybe you do it right away, maybe not. Tonight, we all spend some time working with Drew on how to use his luck abilities. Tomorrow daytime we leave loose until we know what the Desperado quests are and see what the concierge comes back with. Tomorrow night, Taylor and Calliope are going to bed early, Drew is sitting here and reading a book or whatever while I go gamble."
Calliope bristled.
"You don't want Drew with you?" Taylor asked, jumping in before Calliope could.
Levi shook his head. "Nope," he said. "Tir Inqua aren't common, but they aren't unknown either—witness the fact that Ms Catlady recognized Drew."
"She did?" Calliope asked. "Why didn't she say anything? Seems like the hotel wouldn't like people getting scammed on their premises."
"The hotel hosts these high-roller games," Levi explained. "They provide a comfortable setting, full catering, a professional dealer, and anti-cheating guarantees. In exchange they get 'the vigorish', which is a percentage of each pot. The vig is ten percent."
"And you told her it was fifteen," Calliope said, nodding. "She's keeping the extra five?"
"She'll have to split it with the dealer, but there's going to be a million or so gold washing around that table so it's still good money. Anyway, if Drew came to the game there's a decent chance he'd get made. If he did, people would bail and I wouldn't be able to get a game in this town for love or money." He took a swig from his bottle and then flashed his disturbing three-way smile. "Fortunately, I've been to the White Forest before. It's a standard template that they use practically every season, and it's always got the same layout. The high-rollers room is always on the fourth floor, adjacent to the stairs. Directly above this room, in fact. And Drew's luck aura has a radius of 22 meters."
Taylor laughed. "Brilliant."
I considered naming this chapter something like 'Dragon Ball Z Got Nothin' On Me' because of the way I was doing flashbacks inside of flashbacks and making heavyhanded jokes that leaned hard on the fourth wall. Honestly, a professional editor would probably tell me to go back and fix it, but it amuses me and so I'm leaving it.
You are stuck in the room for another four hours while the tailor shows up and gives you each a fancy outfit. After that, you'll have a nice dinner and then Levi will take you over to the Desperado Club where you will be offered a series of quests. Successfully completing any one of the quests will earn you an entrance pass to the Desperado Club. The quests are described below. The information is a compilation of what the guy at the Desperado Club tells you, what Levi knows and can figure out, and what he can learn from a few hours investigation. Choose one:
- A local land developer wants to buy up all the buildings on Swift Street, tear them down, and build fresh so he can flip it for a profit. He's got everything except one particular orphanage that refuses to sell. Burn the orphanage down and make sure the owners are dead.
- Someone has decided that Jim Bob, who lives at [address], is using too much oxygen. Kill Jim Bob.
- There is a network of fast-travel caravans throughout the Overcity. The caravans are operated by a handful of corporations. The Squonik Shipping and Travel company is a second-tier company that is expanding and moving up into the first tier. The current first-tier companies don't like that. A caravan is on its way to Large Skyfowl Settlement now, approaching from the east on the main road, and should be to the city around noon tomorrow. The caravan is carrying, among other things, the Squonik payroll. Kill everyone in the caravan, ensure that the caravan is never found, and drop the payroll chest at a designated spot in the ruins. (map provided with an actual X to mark the spot for delivery) The client knows how much will be in the payroll chest, so you won't be able to skim any of it without failing the quest.
- Madame Allisandre is one of the best madams in the city. Unfortunately, she gets fussy about clients who get nonconsesually rough with her girls. She banned the wrong person and now she must die...but it's got to look like natural causes. Sneak into the Velvet Pussycat without being seen and slip the contents of this vial into the bottle of brandy on her boudoir table.
- Raid the drug house at [address], kill everyone inside, and bring all the product to [other address].
- Poppy Melkwasser is a seven-year-old skyfowl. She's been kidnapped and is being kept at [address]. Free her, bring her to [other address] without being seen, and deliver her to the arms of her loving parents. (Levi snorts and says "I don't know who this kid is or what the twist is, but there is no way this is on the level.")
- None of the above.
New Achievement! Discordian Delight
You are invited to drop by the #dungeon-crawler-you channel in the Quests and Stuff Discord. (That second link is an invite to the server.)
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Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
...man, none of those quests are very nice. I'm probably leaning toward 5? At least with that one we're not making things worse, inasmuch as we can make anything worse in a world that's ultimately transient.
Plus, y'know, it gets us drugs.
Whose debuffs we can transfer, come floor 4.
Plus, y'know, it gets us drugs.
Whose debuffs we can transfer, come floor 4.