Chapter 96 - For While I Cannot Love Myself
"I'm going to try talking to it." you say. You're not sure why Censored isn't attacking, but it's extremely irregular behavior. Under normally circumstances, it would be the last Abnormality you'd want to have a conversation with. What little you do know about it indicates it to be universally hostile, exceptionally dangerous to anyone if gets near, and actively harmful to interact with in any way. At the moment, though, circumstances are far from normal.
"Are you sure?" Angela asks. "Even if it is acting irregularly, it is still an Abnormality. There have never been successful attempts to interact with them peacefully." After a minuscule pause, she adds "With one exception."
"Maybe not in the long term," you admit, "but appeasing Abnormalities by interacting with them was always a preferable option to fighting them. If we've got that opportunity here, we should take it."
Left unsaid is the fact that it would be deeply reassuring to find another Abnormality capable of proper human interaction. Sure, they exist, but none of them are really all that well put-together. Little Red is a heartless mercenary with a deeply unhealthy obsession with revenge. Her counterpart, the wolf, is the kind of person you like least on top of being a murderous monster who revels in the suffering and trauma they inflict. There's always the Magical Girl Abnormalities if you're desperate, but they're eccentric at best and outright insane at worst. The Abnormalities that seem human are still Abnormalities, and they are just as dangerous as any other. Censored isn't exactly the best candidate for a proper conversationalist, but you'll take any chance you can get.
With only a short moment to think, Angela acquiesces. "If you say so, X. It may be worth trying."
With that, you turn your attention up, towards the nameless feeling lurking above you. Your eyes remain away from the ceiling, in case you might trigger some sort of response from the cognitohazardous Aleph.
"Is that you up there? We'd only like to talk."
To your surprise, a response comes almost immediately.
"Talk- yes… rulers- give- thanks…"
Its voice is bizarre, like a reversed recording of a dozen people all speaking backwards. It sounds vaguely masculine, though a few of the voices seem more feminine. There's no hostility in Censored's speech, though the way they abruptly jump between words only to trail off gives the impression of eagerness tempered by anxiety. Despite everything, it feels surprisingly human.
"So you're willing to talk?" you repeat, both for clarity and to keep Angela updated on what's being said.
"Willing- give… gratitude- gift…" the voice stammers, and the presence above you begins moving. You tense, ready to summon a lance and pull back at the first sign of a threat, but Censored just makes a small circle and then stops again. If you didn't know better, you'd think it was pacing nervously.
"So we gave you something, and you're thankful for it?"
"Gave- shape… not long… but helps. Feels stable- won't stay… change…"
It takes you a moment to puzzle what was said together. Unless you're imagining things, Censored is getting more coherent.
"Something we did gave you a more stable body, but you don't think it will last very long. That's what you're grateful for. Is that correct?"
"That's unusual." Angela says. "Abnormalities are perfectly stable by nature. A temporary change to a more stable state doesn't make much sense."
"Well, every rule has its exceptions." you answer. That being said, Angela's right. Abnormalities are inherently unchanging, representing only a specific interpretation of a specific idea. Censored's claim seems contradictory, but it's enough to produce a small spark of hope. Tempered, careful hope, but hope nonetheless.
"Others… less pure- natural- more… together… Self- not… real- only… secrets…"
You take another moment to translate Censored's garbled speech. "The reason you can change is because you're more natural than other Abnormalities? Something about being closer to your concept?"
"Yes… idea opposes-" A sudden burst of gibberish chattering breaks up the sentence before fading away, allowing the other Abnormality to continue. "Cohesion… But now, siblings- gave this place… gave this shape… but only for a little while."
It's definitely not just your imagination now. Censored's many voices are synchronizing, converging, cutting down the excess. "You're getting more coherent."
As if sensing the hint of apprehension, Censored shifts back away from you and Angela. "Two rulers- one makes understanding, one stores information… enough to pull together. As long as you are here."
You relate the message to Angela, who frowns. "Perhaps if Censored were connected more actively to the Library, I could do something. But establishing that connection requires an Abnormality to submit to the Library's authority in some way, which-" Angela's eyes widen slightly. "Apparently is not a problem. Censored is now correctly providing power to the Library. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there's anything I can do. Unless something's changed?" she asks to the creature hiding above.
"No, it's still as it was. But that was never in question." Censored's many voices have converged, leaving a single, vaguely masculine voice cutting through the silence of the Abnormality's domain. "I'm less of a creature than most of our kin. They're all filtered through human understanding of a concept. But I am the things people don't understand. The things they don't want to know. Secrets that should have stayed secret. I might not even be experiencing this moment of clarity here."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe this is just what you see when you look at me. What you hear when I make a sound. After all, what's really more believable: That an Abnormality could change what it is, even for a little while, or that when a person comprehends the incomprehensible, all they're left with is a reflection of themself?" Censored says with a slight chuckle.
"I preferred when you could only speak in broken sentences. You made a lot more sense." you say back. You have a pretty good level of tolerance for cryptic nonsense, but spending any more time around an Aleph than strictly necessary is usually grounds for a psychiatric examination. "Do you have anything else to talk about, or can we leave now that you're properly connected to the Library?"
"I have long since resolved myself to your leaving. All I have is a piece of advice, from one Abnormality to another." You raise an eyebrow at the lurking Aleph. "You shouldn't try so hard. To be somebody, I mean. There's only really one sort of person you know how to be, and it's not healthy to keep forcing yourself like that." And with those last words, Censored crawls away and leaves you and your sister alone in the ruined Library. You exhale slowly, letting the frustration bleed out of your body, before turning back to the Director.
"Mission accomplished, I guess?"
—————————
The two of you return to the Library proper, mostly just making small talk. Neither of you really wants to get into anything heavy right after that encounter. There is some complementing of one another's fighting skills, especially considering Angela never really struck you as a fighter. You always knew the specs for her body, that it could keep up in higher-level combat, but her use of EGO caught you quite by surprise. Her versions are far shorter-lived than yours, though that allows for a higher level of purity concentrated over that span of time. The more you learn about the Library, the more impressive it seems. Angela really has done well for herself, it seems.
"I have to ask, why did you choose to look like that?" Angela says suddenly. You look at her in confusion.
"I said this before, I think. I just didn't want to look like dad anymore." you answer.
"While I can completely understand that, it's not what I was asking. I was wondering why you chose to look like Gebura specifically. You could've decided on anything."
You think back to the time where you created this body. There were a lot of feelings mixed at the time, certainly. You had wanted to honor your colleagues, who you expected to be laid to rest after the Light was stolen. That doesn't explain your specific decision, though. The strength and ability you inherited has proven useful, but it isn't a core reason for your choice.
"I think it was because Gebura was more the kind of person I wanted to be. Not many people in the City with as good a claim to call themself a real hero than her."
Angela nods, then inclines her head to the side. "Did you want to be a hero? I feel Gebura would disagree with that assessment of her."
"She needs to appreciate herself more. All the Sephirah do." you reply.
"And you as well." Angela adds. You look at her with mild confusion. "You also need to appreciate yourself more. We did most of the work in creating the Seed of Light. We deserve to feel proud of that accomplishment."
"Okay," you relent, not willing to dig into that subject. "What makes you ask all this all of a sudden?" Angela's face falls slightly.
"I feel that we don't know each other as well as we should, that's all. And- There's something I'd like to ask you."
You can feel any levity that was once present vanishing. "I'm always willing to listen if you've got something to say."
Angela glances back and forth, then takes a breath. "It's about my goals for the future. I've told Roland and the Sephirah, and you should know as well. I plan on opposing the Head."
You blink once, then twice. "That's-" Your sister's breath stills, waiting for you to continue. "That's pretty much what we were already doing. What makes you on board with it this time?"
"Choice, for one thing. I won't be bound to a script or the orders of that man any longer. My rebellion will be completely my own. Furthermore, it is because of them that I was banished from the City. Without their insane rules, the tragedy that led us to suffer in the Corporation may never have occurred. There's no reason I shouldn't attempt to hold them accountable."
"I'm not gonna argue with you there," you agree, "but it's not about the why. The Light was a well-grounded plan to try and overthrow them, but it turned out that they wouldn't have cared no matter what happened. Giving them the boot is gonna be tough."
"It will be." Angela confirms. "That's why I need your help."
———————————————
[] You'll help when able
[] You have too much to worry about already
———————————————
Der Freischütz's Sapling - Observation Level 2/3
Porccubus' Sapling - Observation Level 2/3
CENSORED's Sapling - Observation Level EXPUNGED/REDACTED
Limbus Approaches, we are but hours away.
