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This Bites! (One Piece SI)

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I personally can't wait for the Avast Blast, where Merry extends her mast as a spear at the enemy at the speed of a cannonball. SHIP PERSON BULLSHIT FTW!
 
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Chapter 45 - Ice Hunter Pt 1
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    • Chapter 45​

    Cross-Brain AN: Before we begin, a brief announcement. This chapter and the next one, possibly two, are noticeably shorter than our standard length. They are filler, based off of an anime filler, but with an original plot conceived by Xomniac back at the start of the story. The characters in this may or may not be returning later down the line, depending on what Oda does.

    We will resume our typical monstrous chapters when we reach Thriller Bark, and we sincerely hope you enjoy the filler in the meantime.

    Xomniac AN: Look at it this way: over 9000 (HA!) is still over twice as much as most SB and V authors post in a single chapter, so we're still the cream of the crop : 3

    Patient AN: Pride in your work is good. But do take care that you don't get an overly inflated ego, Ego.

    Xomniac AN: Har har.

    Hornet AN: And it saves time on editing. Woot!

    "Sooo…" Nami drawled with a flatly cocked eyebrow as she watched me ram my head into the wall. "I take it that we don't want to know what that's all about?"

    "You have to ask?" Zoro scoffed, glancing over his shoulder at his fellow strung-up crewmate.

    Nami glanced back at him with a calm and serene smile. "Allow me to respond to that in a completely rational manner."

    THWACK!

    "GAH!" Zoro yelped. "How the hell is stabbing your elbow into my side a 'rational' response!?"

    "Well, it was rational to me, and in the end, isn't it all just a matter of perspective?"

    "MM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMMMM!" For whatever reason, Soundbite decided to cackle uproariously at that. Before I could properly rip into the snail, though…

    "HEADS UP!"

    CLUNK!

    "GAH!"

    I snapped my hands to my pounding skull as something hard and heavy landed on it. "The hell—?" I looked up to see a pair of hooks at the ends of ropes swinging in the air, and a glance upward revealed that they were being held by a pair of Accino mooks, who themselves were flanked by the Accino's twin elder sons.

    "Nefertari Vivi!" the red one… Brindo, I'm pretty sure, called down. "As your crew's diplomat, our father Don Accino has requested an audience with you. And considering Jeremiah Cross's savviness, he has deemed it acceptable that he attend the meeting as well."

    "If you need any further incentive, then your partners may accompany you," the blue one, Campacino, offered as he dangled a key in our vision. "But just remember that any resistance will be met with immediate force."

    I exchanged glances with Vivi and the rest of the crew, and then I looked back up at them. "Before we agree either way, what's this about? You already have our flag and our bounties, isn't that enough of a birthday gift for your damn patriarch?"

    The twins exchanged surprised looks, before causing my heart to sink as they burst into twin bellows of laughter.

    "Huhahahaha! Apparently Mister Cross is not quite as informed as he makes himself out to be, dear brother!" Campacino guffawed.

    "Bohohoh! Indeed, brother beloved, indeed!" Brindo laughed right back. "For if he were, then he would know that our dear Papa's birthday was a good month ago, and that we gifted him a full fleet's worth of flags for it!"

    I choked in horror as I processed that little tidbit. "Ahhh… well, that's my playbook out the window."

    "So, Cross doesn't know what's coming?" Luffy slowly tilted his head up with a grin. "Great, now this is gonna be a real adventure! Shishishi—!"

    "Can we get another collar on him?" Sanji called up.

    "Certainly! Hockera!"

    "On it!"

    "Shishi—eh?"

    CLUNK!

    "HURK!" Luffy gagged as he got a double helping of sea prism stone. "Gugh… now I really think I'm gonna hurl…"

    "Thank you!" the cook shouted up.

    "Hok Ke Ke Ke Ke! No problem, pirate scum!"

    I forced my composure back together as I looked up at them, ignoring the way Vivi's hands were twitching up towards her collar—or more specifically, her necklace. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up, you bifurcated bastards. Either way, my question still stands: what does he—!" I glanced at Vivi again. "What does the hot-air bastard want with us?"

    Vivi visibly tensed, the bounty hunters doing the same. While they were quick to school their expressions, Vivi's expression grew even more tense with thought.

    "First of all, a bit of friendly advice: if you value your life, don't insult Papa," Brindo bit out. "If you already know his Devil Fruit, you know it doesn't do anything to help his temperament."

    "And second, if you must know, you're being summoned for an unprecedented reason, which Papa has never allowed before," Campacino sniffed. "To negotiate for your freedom. The collateral? Your crew's reputation for defying all odds, which Papa desires to employ."

    Vivi and I exchanged uncertain looks, but after looking at Luffy and getting a nod of approval (that or his head was just lolling from nausea, either or) I shrugged helplessly and walked over to grab one of the lines. "Might as well, I guess. Better to possibly fry up there than freeze down here."

    "Agreed!" Vivi concurred as she joined me, with Carue clambering on himself.

    "Hey, what about the rest of us who are still freezing down here!?" Franky demanded, straining against his bonds.

    Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning at the mostly-metal-man. "My advice?" I offered. "Next time, consider investing in some thermal underwear!"

    "CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!" Franky roared as leapt at me to bite, chains and all.

    "ONE AND A QUARTER, GOING UP!" I shouted, tugging at the rope and getting yanked up and out of the cyborg's reach.

    Vivi regarded me dryly as we were hauled up alongside one another. "You have such a way with words, Cross."

    "I know, right?" I thumbed my jacket out with pride. "It's my pride and—GRK!" I was cut off by Vivi grabbing my collar and yanking me right up to her snarling face.

    "You listen to me and you listen good, you adrenaline-huffing loud-mouthed moron," the suddenly ticked off princess bit out. "Once we meet with this Don Accino, I am going to be doing all of the talking. You, on the other hand, will not open your mouth without my explicit say-so, which I will be delivering ever so subtly in the form of my elbow in your side. If you fail to follow these orders explicitly until I tell you otherwise, I will rip your tongue out and feed it to you. Am I clear?"

    I cowered for a second, but I then managed to level a glare at her. "I readily admit that I am an adrenaline junkie, but you should know that the only time I remotely risk anyone but myself is when I know about a way out. I'm not going to willingly provoke the man… unless he asks for it."

    Vivi's expression, which had previously softened with a bit of shame, snapped back into rage mode. Before she could go about ripping my head off, however...

    "Ahem?"

    "WOAH!"/"YIKES!"

    Vivi and I yelped and flailed as we were suddenly yanked up off of the ropes by the somewhat impatient Ice Hunter twins.

    "If you're quite done?" Brindo drawled.

    "Hmph." Vivi squirmed out of her captor's grip and brushed her parka off, sniffing indignantly. "You clearly know nothing about my crew if you're actually asking that."

    "Seconded," I nodded in agreement before plucking Soundbite from my shoulder and holding him out to Campacino. "Now, I believe there was some mention of un-muzzling—?"

    "All yours," the blue twin said as he tossed the key to me. "I'm not putting my fingers anywhere near that death trap that thing calls a jaw, and before it gets any bright ideas?" He tapped a finger to his ear. "We're all wearing sea prism stone earplugs."

    "Geez, seriously?" I groused as I started searching for the keyhole on Soundbite's newly installed mute button. "Sea prism cuffs, sea prism earplugs, and Soundbite said something about sea prism walls below that ice before you crammed this thing on his face. What, did the Marines have a clearance sale or something?"

    "PWAH!" Soundbite gasped gratefully as I finally managed to wrench the restraints from his jaws. "Sweet, sweet freedom! I'M GONNA HAVE someone's fingers for that! And actually, that wouldn't surprise me. YA KNOW, CONSIDERING HOW THE CORPS' BUDGET IS GETTING THE AXE LEFT AND RIGHT?"

    "Oh, yeah, between Bege and the loss of twust…" Carue mused thoughtfully.

    "Eh, part that, part we've brought in countless docile bounties for the Marines, thus ingratiating us to them!" Hockera snickered as he posed with his hockey stick. "They give us just about anything we ask for! Neat, huh?"

    "Lovely," Vivi drawled in an utterly unimpressed manner. "Now, unless you all would like to see whether or not my influence extends to lip-reading when I tell you all to literally jump off a cliff, I believe we were going to see your father?"

    The siblings and their underlings swiftly shared a distressed look before the twins swept their arms to the side and fell into uniform bows. "Right this way, milady," they chorused.

    Once the procession started to, well… proceed, I subtly inclined my head towards Soundbte. "Do those earplugs really stop you?"

    "Eh," Soundbite swayed his eyes from side to side. "They're annoying, sure, but not airtight. IRONICALLY, WAX WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN BETTER."

    I straightened my head with a satisfied hum. "Good to know."

    Soundbite and I fell silent from there on as we walked, our 'escorts' thoroughly on guard as they walked us through an oasis that could only be the result of Devil Fruit intervention when located in a glacial desert of this scale. And the evidence of Devil Fruit involvement became more and more evident the further we went, on account of the steadily mounting temperature and the wisps of steam that were starting to waft through the air.

    Normally I would have been more awed by my surroundings, but… well, my sense of wonder was mitigated by the fact that I hadn't seen Vivi anywhere near this anxious since her near-miss breakdown back on the Rocketman; I could only imagine what was going through her head, about to meet the user of another of her country's long-lost treasures while once again being so utterly at his mercy that she couldn't even inform him of the significance of his powers.

    Unfortunately, before I could do anything to alleviate her tension, we arrived at a pair of doors that, while not the largest I'd ever seen in my life, were simultaneously the tackiest and the most threatening.

    "Are you ready?" Brindo asked, glancing back.

    "Ah, actuawwy, if we could have a—?"

    "If not, too bad!" Campacino forged on, ignoring Caure's raised wing.

    The twins then swept their arms in synch out at the doors, prompting them to open with a blast of steam. "Presenting to you, the Patriarch of the Accino Bounty Hunting Family… DON ACCINO!"

    Vivi and I flinched back from the sudden blast of hot air, and we didn't get a chance to adjust either on account of Hockera ramming his hockey stick into our backs and forcing us into the brume. We flinched and coughed from the sudden swap in temperature ranges and it took us a second to get our visibility back, but once we did…

    Well, on the surface, Don Accino didn't look all that impressive. Obese, shirtless, laying on a couch made of ice, holding a goblet full of wine, flanked by his lovesick skater daughter and son-in-law. But the fact that he was radiating just as much casual menace as he was pure thermal energy?

    Considering how it felt like we were in a freaking sauna, you can imagine that we were all more than a little intimidated. The fact that he outweighed us all by a little less than a metric ton didn't hurt either.

    All of that served to make the literal dozens of pirate flags hung about the room little more than the cherry on top. The terrifyingly morbid cherry.

    Still, while I had the chance—

    "Looking for this?"

    I snapped my eyes down from the countless grinning skulls hanging above so that I could focus on the one that Accino was holding pinched between his fingers, flapping in front of his smugly grinning mug.

    "Heheheh, nice try, but not happening," he chuckled as he waved our flag, our pride and joy, our emblem, like a common matador's cape. "I'm not so stupid as to let my prize bargaining chip leave my grasp so long as any of you are free. Still…" Don raised our flag above our head so that he could gaze upon it. "It is quite the pretty flag, is it not…" His sunglasses glinted as he glanced at me. "Jeremiah Cross?"

    My lips split in a snarl, but before I could even start to conceive of a response, I found myself abruptly trying to keep my balance in response to the pair of fingers crushing down on the sweet spot on my neck.

    "We are honored that you would allow us pirates to speak with you, great Don Accino," Vivi simpered with the utmost politeness as she maintained an equally deep bow next to me.

    I subtly rolled my fingers in an attempt to ask her to haul it in a little, and got a nice bit of extra pressure on my neck for my troubles.

    Well, if that's how she wanted to play…

    "Hmhmm, such manners," the Accino patriarch hummed, his tone warm but tinged with sadistic pleasure. "I was honestly bracing myself for Cross's biting rhetoric. My…" His children winced fearfully as he snorted out a cloud of steam. "Temper, you see."

    My eye twitched at that particular comment and I opened my mouth, only to gag when my tongue glued itself to the roof of my mouth. Son of a—seriousl—AGH, MY EAR, DAMN IT!

    "Oooh, believe me, good Don, my dear friend here would almost certainly be offering the most scratching he could conjure right at this very moment were he so able," Vivi smiled endearingly even as she endeavored to yank my ear off. "But, foreseeing that eventuality, I elected it best to… rescind my crewmate's speaking privileges for the foreseeable future, unless I offer him my permission. I hope you don't mind?"

    I was both amused and annoyed to see the Accino children heaving subtle sighs of relief even as their father scratched at his second or third hairy chin.

    Ultimately, Don shifted his mass in what I could only assume was a shrug. "So be it, so be it. I suppose that I only need you all to listen for the moment anyways. Now then… to business, hmmmm?"

    Vivi nodded, her expression and tone carefully neutral. "We would like to know what you have to ask of us. Especially considering that, given your reputation, we should by all accounts be, well—"

    I started to raise my fist above my head so that I could mime a noose, but apparently Vivi took offense to that, if the way she snagged my elbow and twisted my arm behind my back was anything to go by.

    "Quit screwing around with the man whose temper is as volatile as Eneru's while I'm in the room," Vivi snarled beneath her breath. "Or I swear to Isis I will snap your arm off and shove it somewhere thoroughly uncomfortable, do you understand me?"

    "Try it and I'll give you the BISCUIT TREATMENT. FAIR WARNING, I'VE refined my GASTRO-PHONY," Soundbite threatened with a smug smirk, causing Vivi, Carue, and me to pale.

    Before anything further could be said, however, a sharp clap snapped our attention back to a thoroughly peeved-looking Don Accino. "If you're quite done with your childish spat?" he growled.

    We didn't so much answer as our flinches from the sudden spike of temperature and steam in the room answered for us.

    "Good," Don snorted firmly. Thankfully for us, he took what I presumed was meant to be a calming sip from his chalice of wine before continuing. "Allow me to be brief: I have been keeping up with your SBS from the first day it aired, and it soon became one of my goals to add the flag of your most notorious crew to my collection. As you have experienced for yourselves—" He smirked as he waved his hand over his now-preening children. "My family has long prepared for dealing with the entirety of your crew. As it stands, we currently have you all at our… tender mercies."

    I was sorely tempted to pin the fat bastard with a glare and roll my fingers to tell him to get on with it, but the holes I could feel being bored into my head stilled my hand and expression, as did said fat bastard righting himself into a proper sitting position and adopting a more serious expression.

    "However," he stated, his voice devoid of the earlier cheer. "In light of the events that took place upon Enies Lobby, it has been cemented as fact that your crew is truly capable of making what most would deem an impossibility a reality. And…" He took a deep drag from his cigar before wearily huffing out a cloud. "I find myself in a position where I am more in need of this… ability of yours than I do the money from all of your heads combined. Or even…" He visibly struggled with himself for a moment before taking a deep gulp of wine in order to still his nerves and holding up our flag. "My rightful trophy."

    Vivi and I exchanged shocked looks, and then she schooled her expression and stepped forwards, her arms spread placatingly. "But, Honorable Don Accino, as we have already witnessed, your Lovely Land is an impenetrable fortress, and you are…" She glanced upward with a shudder. "Clearly thoroughly experienced in your field. What possible issues could affect someone of your standing to such an extent?"

    Accino's face split in a scowl and we all tensed as the general heat in the room kicked up a few notches, but thankfully, his ire seemed to be directed elsewhere, as evidenced by his another sigh. "The worst issues of all, Princess Nefertari." He slung our flag over his shoulder and plucked his cigar from his lips before grinding it down against his seat of ice. "Politics."

    …Yikes, not even I could restrain my wince at that little tidbit.

    "Poor bastard…" Soundbite muttered.

    "Damn straight," Accino bit out. He then slid his sunglasses off and kept his eyes squinted shut as he withdrew a rag and started polishing his eyepiece. "Now, let there be no mistake here: Bounty hunting is more than a simple business for my family." He waved his hand at the flags above us. "It is our way of life. We do it because we enjoy the challenge of it, with the money we are rewarded both a side-benefit and a means of sustaining our lifestyle. Unfortunately, however…" He snorted out a hefty cloud of steam. "In recent days, this lifestyle has become increasingly… complex."

    I took a moment to roll that over in my mind, and then snapped my head up as a thought occurred to me. I hastily slapped my fingers against Vivi's arm, grabbing her attention and gesturing at my throat.

    She hesitated for a second before setting her jaw tersely. "Watch what you say," she warned me, jabbing me with her elbow.

    "Sonnuva—!" I gasped, grasping my side. "If I had to guess, I'd say that you're having troubles because the pirate crews are getting stronger, right? More and more nine-digit bounties passing through Lovely Land instead of seven or eight?"

    "In so many words?" Don Accino shoved his glasses back on his face. "Precisely."

    "We can draw many other crews into our hunting-hell of ice with ease via our superior tactics!" the male skater, Salchow as I recall, boasted.

    "But the fact remains that few crews are quite as… lacking in sheer numbers as yours is," his… fiancée, I think? Arbell continued with a weary sigh. "We managed to defeat you because we could reliably split you up and take you down bit by bit, but with other crews that's just not an option."

    "We've had to let some pretty damn hefty catches slip away from us," Hockera groused as he picked at the taping on his hockey stick. "And all because for all that we have numbers in our mercs, we lack the quality needed to establish a reliable net with which to hold them."

    I frowned uncertainly. "And… where do the 'politics' come into play in all of this?"

    Vivi snapped a glare at me, most likely for my impertinence, but then she tapped her finger to her chin with a thoughtful look. "I… admit that my colleague has a point. How does this all relate?"

    "It relates," Accino picked up with a growl. "In that my family and I are not the only ones to partake in this lifestyle. There are countless other bounty-hunting groups and families upon the seas, some lesser than we Accinos, some greater. Our immediate concern, however, lies with a rival clan that I am loath to admit is equal to us in strength, known as the Hiruno Famiglia. They number less than us by a wide margin, but the soldiers they command are fearsome indeed, each easily worth ten of our own."

    "The Hirunos are small, strong, swift…" Campacino ticked off on his fingers.

    "And above all else, ruthless," Brindo finished as he slammed his fist into his palm. "They've poached countless quarries from us over the years."

    "So… what, you want us to wemove da competishion oah something?" Carue scratched his head in confusion.

    Accino dismissed that notion with a wry chuckle as he took a deep draught from his wine. "Hohohoooo, I only wish… but no. You see, their resources, limited as they are, can be something of a nuisance for us to fight against, but, if they were to be, say, incorporated into our own, deployed with our tactics, our methods, our skill…"

    "An alliance," I deduced, only to wince when Vivi rammed her elbow into my side in response to Accino's own annoyed snort.

    "Shut it," she bit out, and I was dismayed to find that I was forced to do just that.

    "Mmph, cheeky little…" Accino growled before nodding in reluctant consent. "Basically, yes, we've decided to arrange a mutually-beneficial alliance… sort of. For you see, there is one thing that concerns me more than the acquisition of my beloved trophies, and that is the continued wellbeing of my family. As such, a simple everyday agreement will not be sufficient. We need a more…" He took a deep drag from his cigar before biting out the next words. "Permanent solution."

    Vivi only had to think about those words for a second before setting her jaw tightly and stealing a momentary glance at Salchow and Arbell. "You're talking about an arranged marriage."

    "Feh!" Accino spat to the side bitterly. "Believe me, I find the idea as distasteful as you, especially when taking the other party into account, but it was the only thing I could think of that would keep that old hag and the mongrels she calls her children in line. Still, what's done is done. The contract has been drawn up, and the date set. But the proceedings themselves…" Accino ground his teeth as his icy seat started to sizzle beneath him. "Those are in question."

    "Not only will dissent be rife amongst the Hirunos," Campacino announced.

    "But there is not a doubt that many other bounty hunters will also attempt to interfere in the proceedings," Brindo concluded.

    "After all, if this merge goes through, we'll be topping the absolute top dogs in these waters!" Hockera grinned confidently. "All those other losers will be looking at a total game-over, no questions asked! Soooo they'll be trying to sabotage the living hell out of everything while we're trying to hitch our families up." His smirk quirked slightly as he gestured his hockey stick at us. "And that's where you guys come in."

    "Heheh… Indeed…" Accino laid down again, scratching the vast expanse of his gut. Eurgh. "With interference both within and without, it would appear that it would be impossible for the ceremony to be anything but an unmitigated disaster. Good thing we have a crew here whose very dogma is the achievement of the impossible, no?"

    "Our proposition is thus!" Arbell sniffed haughtily. "Help us in assuring that this wedding and the alliance that comes with it are both achieved without so much as the slightest hiccup!"

    "Fail, and you'll be in Impel Down before even your captain can say 'meat'!" Salchow proclaimed. "Succeed, however, and you'll be allowed to slip away scot-free! We've even managed to convince Papa to return your flag to you on your way out!"

    "Though I'm gonna have to be hammered at that point if you want it without a fight…" the 10,000-Degree-Human literally fumed, the air shimmering around his luminescent body.

    Vivi hummed thoughtfully as she mulled over the proposal, soon grabbing me by the shoulder even as she adopted a beatific smile. "Mister Accino, if you don't terribly mind, might my colleague and I have a moment to discuss matters?"

    "Eh, go ahead," Accino said, waving his hand indifferently. "Just make it quick. My time is money."

    "Of course, of course, we'll only be a moment," Vivi assured him with a smile. With that, she yanked me around, drew a deep breath… and started to whisper conspiratorially. "I'm going to be honest here, Cross: I hate arranged weddings. I was heir apparent, so I was never at risk of suffering one, but far too many of my friends had to suffer them in the past. But even then…" She spared a glance over her shoulder at Salchow and Arbell. "Honestly, these two actually seem happy with one another, which is always a big help, and what they're asking can't be too difficult. Simply put… I think that this sounds like a surprisingly good deal. Your thoughts?"

    I graced the princess with an acrid glare as I gestured flatly at my throat.

    "Ah… aheh, riiiight…" A sweatdrop hung from the princess's head. "Your thoughts… please?"

    The next moment, I had a seamless transition from unable to speak to speaking without choice, though I'd say I adjusted well.

    "First, that I'm starting to wish I didn't respect your authority so much. And second, yes, it seems like a good idea. Yes, it seems like something we can do. Yes, it seems like our luck has come through for us yet again. But I still can't get one thing out of my mind."

    "AND THAT WOULD BE...?" Soundbite asked, clearly dreading the answer.

    "Simple," I glanced at him with a flat look. "When is it ever that easy?" And so, before Vivi could stop me, I turned back around and pointed at the Accino patriarch. "So, let me see if I've got this all straight! We help you get these two—" I pointed my fingers at the skate-wearing couple in the room. "Hitched properly, in spite of members of mascara-boy's family and every other Tom, Dick and Harry in the waters who calls themselves bounty hunters trying to throw the whole thing, and you'll let us go, flag and all. Do I have that right?"

    Don Accino snarled at me testily, but then breathed out a huff of steam and smoke, waving his hand back and forth. "Eh…" he grunted dismissively. "For the most part. You flubbed one detail, though."

    Vivi and I promptly exchanged terse glances. "And… that one detail would be?" the Princess asked.

    "The identity of the bride, of course," Arbell spoke up with a 'what-can-you-do' shrug.

    "Indeed!" Salchow nodded, sweeping the other skater in the room into what under any other circumstances would have been a very romantic dip. "My beloved Arbellinawina and I have been happily married for three years now, and my family positively loves her! Though only half as much as I do~!"

    "Oh, Sally-wally~!"

    "BLECH!" Soundbite spat in disgust.

    "I'll second that," Campacino huffed with a roll of his eyes.

    "And I make three!" Brindo concurred.

    "Going four!" Hockera gagged.

    "Five…" Vivi muttered before shaking her head and looking back at Don in confusion. "But… if she's not the bride, then who is!?"

    "Ah… hey, yeah, she's right!" I agreed. "Because unless you have any other children I don't know about, then the only other daughter you have is—!"

    "Me."

    Vivi, Soundbite and I all stiffened at the new voice that had spoken up, and we all slowly turned to watch as the owner of said voice walked past us and stood before the Ice Hunter patriarch, confirming our worst fears.

    "Wait, YOU MEAN—!?" Soundbite started to squawk incredulously.

    "That's right," Don Accino smirked languidly as he dropped his hand on the head of the stoic child standing before him and ruffled her hair. "You'll be helping coordinate the marriage of my youngest daughter, Lil Accino."

    Lil's face barely even shifted as she raised the hem of her skirt in a curtsy. "My future is in your hands."

    Vivi's eye twitched furiously as she pointed a shaky finger at the child. "Ah… buh… that…"

    I, for my part, merely slapped a hand to my face with an exasperated groan. "I rest my case…"

    Thankfully, that managed to snap our crew's resident princess out of her shock. I was freaked out for a moment when her face flushed and her expression morphed into a mask of fury, but then I noticed that none of said fury was actually directed at me.

    "You…" she bit out at Accino, trembling murderously. "Deplorable... vile...!"

    Thankfully, the Heat-Human didn't seem to take offense, if the way he snorted and started to dig his pinky in his nose was anything to go by. "The hell are you getting pissed at me for, eh?" he grunted. "The Hirunos only have male heirs, and Arbell is already married. Besides, it's not like I'm actually asking her to consummate the marriage, not immediately - or ever, hopefully."

    That statement lowered Vivi's blood pressure from apoplectic to merely simmering, but she was definitely still mad. "Even so—!"

    Don Accino interrupted her by slapping his hand to his forehead. "Right, that would be a problem, wouldn't it? The groom is the same age as Lil, give or take a year. Does that settle any protests?"

    Vivi ground her teeth for a second longer, but eventually she dropped her face into her hand with a sigh. "Apart from my sense of basic human decency?"

    "Yes, apart from that. I mean, come on, I'm sure you've seen this before."

    Vivi's brow twitched furiously at the sheer bluntness of the statement, but she allowed herself to nod. "It's… not an unacceptable offer, I will admit. But now that we have all the details in order…" She gestured apologetically at me. "I am sorry for any impertinence on my part, but might I have some more time to discuss matters with my crewmate? This is not a decision we can make lightly."

    Don Accino grunted mulishly as he righted himself and started to stretch his neck side to side. "Personally, I don't remember giving your crew much of a choice in the first place… but eh, what the hell." He grinned as he shook chalice slightly. "I need to go refill my drink anyway, and my legs are starting to fall asleep. You have until I get back. Children."

    "Yes, Papa!" the younger generation of Accinos barked, straightening their postures.

    "Keep an eye on them. And if they do anything untoward…" The dark chuckle he let waft after him as he walked out said more than any words could have.

    I warily eyed the thermo-centric giant as he left the room, tracking his rather thunderous footsteps. Once I judged his distance to be great enough, reinforced by Soundbite giving me his nod of approval, I snapped my attention over to the Accino children and—!

    "Whatever the hell you're thinking of, I don't want to hear it!"

    "Grk!" And promptly choked on my own tongue when Vivi piped up behind me. With the immediate threat out of the way, however, I wasn't nearly as inclined to listen to her this time. Thinking about what I'd come up with based on what Garp had said about the power she held, I began focusing… and almost immediately, I felt the results.

    "The Voices of Anarchy will not be silenced," I snarled out, causing Vivi to jump before reapplying herself.

    "Not. A. Word," she growled with as much authority as she could muster, dropping her hand on my shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze.

    I turned my head so that I could smile at her, pitching my voice low so that the others in the room couldn't hear. "Do you remember what Garp said? That your power relies on people respecting you and your authority? Have you ever thought that it was strange that it worked on someone who has talked down to the likes of Eneru, Aokiji, Sengoku, and Dragon without any hesitation? I worked out awhile back that the only reason it works on me is that I still respect you as a princess, and my friend besides."

    Vivi blinked, clearly stunned by the admission, and then I allowed myself to grow more annoyed. "On the other hand, focusing on the things about you that I don't respect seems to have the desired effect of nullifying your abilities. And really, it's so easy to do it when I keep thinking about your many, many, many flaws. Namely? Your complete and utter inability to remember relevant details prior to the exact moment that they become relevant."

    "That hasn't happened in—!" Vivi started to hiss.

    "Days? Hours? MINUTES?" Soundbite leered tauntingly. The way Vivi blushed and started to stammer did not help her case.

    "Now, if you'll excuse me, while I contemplate your natural human errors and override your override…" I loved the way the Accinos collectively flinched when I directed a predatory smile at them. "I'm going to go right on ahead and do what I do best."

    "And… dat would be—?" Carue swallowed hesitantly.

    I chuckled as I stepped forward, cracking my knuckles in anticipation. "Flip the fucking script. Alright, kiddies, LISTEN UP!" The Accinos jumped in shock when I suddenly let out an authoritative bark. "We've all stood around listening to your demands, we've heard them, and now you're all going to shut the hell up and listen to ours."

    The Accino-heirs all exchanged hesitant glances, save for the little tyke Lil, of all people, who casually strolled up to us and regarded me with a lazy grin. "And why should we listen to anything a powerless little pirate like you has to say in our home?" she asked… not smugly, actually, just matter-of-factly.

    Well, why wouldn't I grin at the thought of breaking her pride like an egg? "Why, I'm so glad you asked. Oh, Soundbite?" I purred as I snapped my fingers, drawing my snail to attention. "Kindly cut the ground out from under her."

    "GLADLY," Soundbite hissed venomously. His grin then morphed into a far more… catty iteration. "Hey, Cross. How are discussions going?"

    "At the moment?" I asked as I made a show of examining my fingertips. "Tense. But I think we can tip the balance back in our favor. How's everyone on the crew?"

    "Out of their shackles if they had any and all ready to rumble at the drop of a hat."

    I began to nod, and then paused. "…Quick question, was any of that lockpicking Merry's doing?"

    There was a pregnant pause, and then a very audible slap of flesh on wood. "I blame Vivi's influence," Merry groaned.

    "I RESENT THAT!" the Princess in question barked.

    "We all know you do, honey," Nami sighed wearily. "Anyways, we're ready to start dropping walls and knocking heads. Should we start?"

    "No no, hold off on that," I replied. "Matters are both complicated and interesting right now, and I want to see just how much I can work this angle before we default to Plan B."

    "Don't you mean Plan A?" Zoro questioned with a smirk.

    "Normally, yeah," I said dismissively. "Anyway, just hang tight. We won't be long." And with that, I chopped my hand across my neck and dropped the connection. I then crossed my arms and smirked down at my fellow beast-tamer. "So. How's our negotiating position looking now, runt?"

    "That… could have been a trick. You and your snail, y-you've been sneaky like that before!" she blustered, though the look on her face made it obvious how much she believed that.

    "I have been, I have been," I conceded, my grin never leaving my face. "But you still have to consider, in this instance… I might not."

    "B-But even if you aren't, even if your comrades are all free to fight," Arbell cut in swiftly, most likely in an effort to draw attention from Lil. "We still know all of your moves from the SBS, we know your crew, we captured your crew! What makes you think we can't do that again?"

    "Let me answer that with a question of my own." I stretched my grin from ear to ear as I strode over to her and stuck my grin in her face. "Are you really willing to risk the full force of the Straw Hat Pirates, all united and all ready to rumble, running rampant inside your own home?" I slowly tilted my head to the side. "And more importantly, do you really think daddy dearest can handle a tee-d off Luffy firing on full cylinders? As I recall, that didn't work out well for the last guy. Or ten."

    The pallor that came over all of their faces answered that.

    "Oh you poor poor bastards," Soundbite chuckled sadistically. "If you thought your nuts were IN A VICE BEFORE."

    "As my little buddy said," I nodded in agreement, backing off a bit and giving the Accinos some breathing room. "The situation has become thus: you all desperately need our help, while we ourselves only want a few things from you. Concede to our demands, and maybe we'll make this a mutually beneficial arrangement, rather than merely bouncing your heads off the cobblestones and being on our merry way. So!" I clapped my hands together with an eager grin. "You all game?"

    "Er… don't you mean being on your sunny way?"

    Everyone in the room slowly turned to staaare at Salchow. For a minute, that was all we could bring ourselves to do.

    THWACK! "OW!"

    "I'm sorry, Sally-Wally, but even I thought that was dreadful," Arbell said, shaking her head in disappointment.

    Before the mascara'd man could respond to her words, however, Brindo grabbed his shoulder and started to drag him aside. "It would appear that we are the ones in need of a moment of discussion now," he bit out.

    "If you'll pardon us…" Campacino trailed off as he gnawed on his thumb.

    I nodded my consent, and as they huddled together, I looked back at Vivi, whose expression was sitting on the borderline between uncertainty and indignance. "Cross, while I appreciate the opportunity, I don't want to reclaim the Rage like this," she protested.

    "And you won't, I swear," I reassured her. "Honestly, this is working out better than I thought: now we have an excuse to stick around. Look, just don't worry about it, alright? All I'm doing right now is turning the situation in our favor, so that we can milk it for all it's worth. When there's money on the table, you don't just leaving lying around, right?"

    "Mmm..." Vivi nodded noncommittally as she glanced away.

    I hesitated slightly at her reaction before coughing into my fist. "Vivi, I don't know whether or not this makes things any better, but… the whole 'vendetta' thing I've got against people being in a higher position of authority than me? I only really got it after Alabasta."

    Vivi pondered that for a moment, looking down at her necklace, before clenching it in her fist. "After… a higher authority ruined my life."

    "They crushed you," I growled out. "And after that… well, let's just say that when anyone tries to crush me, I damn well try and make them pay for it."

    Vivi took that in, and finally, she nodded. "I apologize, Cross. It seems we were both at fault here."

    I nodded back before donning a light smirk. "Well… hey, look at it this way: I have learned some restraint. After all-" I jabbed my thumb at the Accinos. "I was smart enough to not pull this in front of the chief hothead, right?"

    I was gratified by Vivi hiding a chuckle at that, but I couldn't enjoy it due to the Accino Family breaking their huddle and drawing our attention.

    "What do you want?" Arbell groused.

    "Ahhh, there, see?" I grinned in an admittedly condescending manner. "Isn't it so much better when we all get along? But anyway, getting down to business, our first demand is thus." I popped up a finger, my levity gone. "The liberation of the Phoenix Pirates, captain, flag and all, before we so much as lift a finger to help you. The only reason they turned against us was that you had your boots on their necks, and I'm not going to let you keep our fellow pirates oppressed even one second longer. You want our help, you let them go."

    The elder Accino twins exchanged glances before heaving simultaneous sighs.

    "They were useful while we had them," Campacino grumbled before waving his hand dismissively. "Agreed."

    "What else?" Brindo demanded.

    "Our second demand." I raised a second finger as I scanned the flags hung above us. "Considering how extensive your father's… collection is, I'm assuming you have a ledger of all the flags here?"

    The Accinos glanced at one another in confusion before Hockera nodded. "Yeah, we do. What about it?"

    "Simple." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "You'll be handing it over to our archaeologist, who will be choosing which flags we'll be taking with us, and which your father gets to keep."

    A jolt of shock ran through the room, with Carue hastily raising his wing as he voiced everyone's confusion. "Wha—? 'Choose' which fwags we take wid us? Shouldn't we take them all?"

    "Eh," I waved my hand dismissively. "They're free to keep the flags of pirates who raided civilians and whatnot. Flags baptized in blood? Those aren't marks of pride, they're symbols of fear and terror. If the Accinos want to keep them as trophies, they're welcome to them." I then directed a glare at the resident bounty hunters. "But the flags of pirates like us? Pirates who only ever went out on the seas for adventure? For freedom? Those we take with us. Those we'll give a burial at sea so that the souls of their crews may finally rest in peace."

    I took a menacing step towards the Accinos. "Will there be a problem with that?"

    There was a moment of silence as the Accinos all looked at one another and then…

    "Hmm, let me think," Lil drawled, tilting her head to the side exaggeratedly. "Will there be a problem? Hell no."

    I blinked in confusion at the response. "Uh… come again?"

    "You heard her! Take as many as you want! Hell, take 'em all!" Hockera answered.

    "AGREED! We hate those damn things!" the twins asserted with mirrored nods.

    I… will freely admit, I was taken aback enough that I was actually gaping at them. Salchow responded with a roll of his eyes.

    "You saw how often he steams this place, who do you think is in charge of cleaning those damn things and watching for mold!?"

    "Your… soldiers?" Vivi guessed.

    "Ha! As if Papa would trust them with his 'precious' trophies!" Arbell scoffed. "No. While we love our Papa dearly, and while it's going to be hell to live with him once he finds out you've stolen from him…" She scowled murderously. "I'd rather eat my skirt than spend one more second scrubbing those old rags!"

    "AGREED!" her siblings and husband chorused.

    Vivi's eye twitched furtively as she regarded the Accino-heirs. "How… heartwarming…" she muttered.

    "Ahem!" Hockera coughed into his fist as he regained his composure. "So, anyway, was that everything you wanted?"

    "Yea—No!" I hastily swapped my answers as a thought occurred to me. "Now, this might sound petty, but I know that our Second Mate would kill me if we didn't lay down this final stipulation: when we leave here, we act like actual pirates in the process, taking everything in you bastards' coffers. Those are our demands, take 'em or leave 'em."

    The Accinos visibly hesitated at the ultimatum, but Lil simply smirked and started to sway back and forth on her feet. "Go right on ahead, help yourselves…" She raised her hand to hide a smirk. "You know, so long as you can find where they are? And get them open?"

    "Glad to hear you already approve!"

    "WHA—!?" was the general cry of shock as everyone snapped their attention to the door of the flag-room… where Nami was standing with a bulging bag slung over her shoulders!?

    "HOW THE HELL EVEN!?" Soundbite demanded incredulously.

    "When, exactly, did her talent for thievery reach the same level of impossible as Zoro's non-sense of direction?" Vivi managed through a floor-cracking jaw.

    "When I got rid of the emotional weight that was holding me down. I might even owe Kalifa a 'thank you' next time we meet if this is anything to go by… after I give her a black eye, of course," Nami sighed happily. "Aaanyway, sorry for moving early, but I got kinda bored. We'll just go ahead and store this back on the Sunny before going back to wait in the pit. Have fun, you guys!" And with that she strode off down the hall humming a jaunty tune, followed by all five of our Dugongs, who were all carrying equally loaded sacks.

    "Et tu, Boss?" I sighed wearily.

    "Lemme guess, Man's Womance?" Carue quacked.

    "Nope," Boss huffed dismissively as he waddled off. "It's just a living."

    "Wah wah waaaaah…"

    "…Why did I have to open my mouth?" Lil groaned, sinking to her knees as streams of tears fountained down her cheeks.

    I shook my head, adjusting my collar as I shoved the shock into a corner of my mind. "Ahem… a-anyway, your father doesn't need to know about all this, seeing as he'd sooner melt me with his bare hands than listen to even a word I have to say. You all meet our demands on the sly, we make sure thing go as hunky-dory as possible. With that settled, all we have to do is wait for daddy-dearest and—!"

    "W… W-Wait!"

    "Eh?" I blinked in confusion when Arbell of all people suddenly blurted out a protest, desperation clear in her face.

    "Sister!?" Campacino demanded.

    "What do you think you're—!" Brindo started, only to be silenced by Arbell sticking her hand in his face.

    "Cram it, all of you," she growled before returning her attention to me. "While we're going behind our father's back, we might as well go all the way. You've shared your demands, now please, I beg of you, listen to our request! This wedding, the wedding that my father is forcing you to safeguard…" She glanced to the side, gnawing her lip before nodding firmly, her gaze full of determination. "I… we, the children of the Accino family… we want you to sabotage it."

    Dead. Stunned. Silence.

    Vivi slowly raised a shaking finger. "Run that by us again?" she squeaked.

    "You heard me!" Arbell hissed. "Make things look like they're working out well for as long as you can, but when it comes down to the clutch? Make sure that this wedding fails. I can understand that Papa is merely concerned with our well-being, I really do, but…" She ground her teeth as she landed her hand on Lil's shoulder, prompting the nearly-pubescent girl to glance up at her with a… surprisingly apathetic look. "If he thinks that I'm going to let myself be related to those snakes of the Hiruno Famiglia… that I'll let my little sister marry one of them…"

    "Enough, sister."

    Arbell flinched as the twins dropped their hands on her shoulders, giving them both a despairing look. The twins hesitated at said look, exchanging a glance before sighing in synch and stepping forward.

    "We realize that, as it stands, we are in no position to ask anything further of you…" Campacino reluctantly admitted.

    "But left with no other options, even at your mercy..." Brindo continued.

    They fell to their knees as one, heads bowed.

    "Please," they pleaded in synch. "Take pity on us and grant us this request, so that we might safeguard our family from our father's desperation."

    "Ah…" I blinked slowly before leaning back towards Vivi. "IIIII honestly did not see this coming. Suggestions?"

    "Umm…" Vivi gnawed her thumb for a moment before shrugging. "Either we manage to pull off the wedding and there'll be nothing they can do, or, in usual Straw Hat fashion, it blows up entirely in a way Accino can't claim we did it on purpose?"

    "Hm… and I know what option I'd put my money on…" I mused before returning my option to the Accinos. "We'll think about it. But for now—!"

    "FOR NOW, Papa-pyromania's on his way back!" Soundbite barked hastily. "Game faces, EVERYONE!"

    Thankfully, the Accinos all managed to scramble back into position just as their father re-entered the room, the heat steadily rising as he strode around us to regain his seat. "My apologies for my extended absence," he grunted. "But I had to make a slight detour to my room to retrieve a new cigar. Still, it gave you more than enough time to think..." We flinched as a blast of steam rose up as a result of the patriarch sitting down. "Meaning that I will have my answer now."

    Vivi adjusted her collar with a slight wince before resuming her 'princess-ly' posture. "W-We have to admit, Mister Accino, your proposition does sound… most agreeable to us…"

    "But the fact remains!" I picked up. "Vivi and I are merely high-ranked members of our crew! Much like with your family and you, the final decision lies with our captain! Surely you can appreciate that!…sir?"

    "…Hmph. I suppose you have a point; it would be the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most," the Hot-Hot man said at last. We started to heave a sigh of relief - until the temperature spiked and the sheer humidity started to crush us as he glared at us. "You have ten minutes."

    We couldn't get the hell out of that steaming dodge fast enough, and once we were all out, Campacino took a moment to get his breath back before gesturing with no small amount of haste. "Come on, this way."

    I swiftly grabbed his shoulder. "We'll go to the cells alright," I assured him. "But only after a little detour to release your… 'pet pirates', was it?"

    Campacino flinched slightly before smirking confidently. "Very well, if you insist… but let me remind remind you, those poor souls' spirits have been utterly crushed by the New World, so unless you think you can restore their hopes and dreams in less than ten minutes—!"

    "Unless I miss my mark, you have Captain Puzzle in a cell somewhere?" I interrupted.

    "Ah… yes, why?"

    "Get Luffy out of the pit, shove him in the same cell, get the Phoenix's ship and flag ready, and above all else?" I strode past the twin with confidence. "Stop doubting the Straw Hat Pirates."

    Campacino was silent for a moment before snorting and walking after me. "Personally, I think you would be best served hauling your raging ego back into check."

    -Five Minutes Later-​

    "Seriously, I can't even begin to thank you guys enough!" Captain Puzzle praised Luffy as he shook his hand vigorously, his crew making the final arrangements to set sail on their flag-adorned ship behind him. "If it weren't for you… hell, I don't even want to consider what could have happened to us!"

    "Shishishi! No problem!" Luffy chuckled good-naturedly. "You guys are all pretty cool once you stop being idiots! I can't wait to see you guys in the New World!"

    "Same here, but only after we've had a lot of time to train, I assure you."

    "Shishishi, yeah, you guys are pretty weak!"

    "Hey, no need to be that blunt!"

    While this little exchange was ongoing, Campacino and I were standing a little ways away, him gaping, me smirking.

    "I believe that you were saying something, Mister Accino?" I chuckled tauntingly.

    "But-but-but… how!?" Campacino choked out. "His hopes were dashed! His flames snuffed into little more than cinders! And your captain barely had any time to speak with him! How is this possible!?"

    "ROW ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!" Soundbite cheered. "Possible? Who cares? VIVA SHO—!"

    "AHEM!" I coughed.

    "Aheh… sorry."

    Brindo, meanwhile, was busy comforting his brother, who was now gnawing on his collar and crying in exasperation.

    "Still…" Puzzle looked past Luffy, looking worried. "Are you sure you're going to be alright? I mean, these people…"

    "Mah mah, it's fine!" Luffy said, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. "I don't really get what's going on, but Cross and Vivi said they've got things handled! I trust in my crew, and that's more than enough!"

    The other pirate contemplated that for a second before shrugging. "So be it. I wish you all the best of luck! And trust me, if anybody on my crew wasn't listening to the SBS before… but for now. PHOENIX PIRATES! WEIGH ANCHOR! LET'S GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS ICY HELL AS WE CAN GET!"

    "AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!"

    "Oooooh—GAH!"

    "Do you see a talking starfish anywhere?" I demanded.

    "Spoilsport…" my partner pouted in response.

    And so we watched as the Phoenix Pirates' ship sailed off, grateful that our friends were freed, their spirits reanimated - and personally, that the half-remembered x-factor was out of the way.

    Unfortunately, I picked that time to remember exactly how double-sided our luck could be. So, with a mounting sense of dread that I hoped was merely well-justified paranoia, I turned to look at the other Accinos, who were pulling themselves together from their bemusement.

    "Incidentally… feel free to tell me that I'm worrying about nothing, but all we have to do for the Don is make sure the wedding goes right, right? Even with all of the sabotages attempts that will go on… there aren't any other catches that we should be aware of, right!?"

    The way that Campacino and Brindo slowly shared an uncertain look did not give me confidence. "Weeell…"

    -Four Minutes Later-​

    Vivi, Carue, Soundbite, and I stared at the Don with identical masks of exasperation and sheer, undiluted venom.

    "So, let's see if we have this right," Vivi began, with a tone about as calm as a grenade whose pin had been pulled. "You have no staff for the wedding aside from your family and mercenaries. No planners, no caterers, no decorators, no musicians, and no priest, because a million and one random saboteurs, both within and without the proceedings, have managed to either scare them off or 'deal with' them."

    "Mmmyep," Don Accino hummed, not a care in the world.

    "And you expect us to fill dose woles?" Carue asked.

    "The priest comes with the church… but besides that, yes," Accino replied.

    "I see. Normally, that wouldn't be unreasonable, we have a wide variety of talents amongst our crew that we could use," I said, very slowly and clearly. "But you also told us that the setting for the wedding is a seafaring chapel, which is set between your turf and theirs. And said chapel is only in these waters for today, and will be departing before nightfall."

    "Precisely."

    "In short… you want us to plan, prepare AND safeguard this wedding…"

    Accino apparently saw where we were going, as he and his family promptly raised their hands to cover their ears.

    Wise choice.

    "IN THE SPACE OF THREE HOURS?!"

    I dropped my hand into my face with a sigh even as my ears rang from Vivi's irate scream. "Now that's what I call another goddamn shoe."

    Hornet AN: Now taking bets on how bad the fustercluck is going to be!

    Xomniac AN: If you think you might be lowballing, then you clearly are!

    Patient AN: Ah, what fun this is…
     
  • Threadmarks
    • As what recently happened to Taylor Vagra reminded me, I really should be showing my appreciation. So believe me when I say great job with the story and I love what you are doing. This story is utter awesome and I don't want to ask you to change a thing!
     
    i gotta ask, in this story's version of the sunny, is there a giant money vault in the sunny where nami can scrooge mcduck to her hearts content.
     
    Emizaquel said:
    As what recently happened to Taylor Vagra reminded me, I really should be showing my appreciation. So believe me when I say great job with the story and I love what you are doing. This story is utter awesome and I don't want to ask you to change a thing!
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    What happened in Taylor Varga? It sounds like there was some shark-jumping involved.
     
    Are you going to be covering Film: Gold? I know it's a ways away, but I really didn't like that movie.
     
    Ha! The only way I can see this ending is with either a giant Ranma 1/2esce wedding brawl, or Cross waking up married into a crime family Hangover style.
     
    Mockingly-Tricky said:
    God Xomniac, please tell me you're doing this. Gold confused the fuck out of me.

    Bu-But it's over 9,000!
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    Having read the synopsis of the movie I would say that One Piece Gold seems like a play on the usual Casino Robbery movies that were once popular, like the Ocean 11 series.

    For those who have not seen the first movie, it is about how Daniel Ocean assembles a crew of people to rob a extremely fancy casino on a fight night. The plan was elaborate and a bit fanciful for my tastes.
     
    Holy... GODA.

    I just reread the enies lobby arc. I don't know if anyone has mentioned it before, but it wasn't on the tvtropes list.

    Sengoku called for all the admirals, the warlords, and every marine they could field, only to be stopped by the supernovas and Whitebeard interfering.

    That is the marine's standard operating procedure for one the FOUR EMPERORS.
     
    You know, given the intense rivalry between the two families, it wouldn't surprise me if the Hiruno matriarch is planning to doublecross Don in some fashion and grab sole control of the new faction.

    Sound stupid? Sure, but Don's apparently the better strategist of the two anyway, which means he's a threat to the Hiruno matriarch's continued influence.

    If the wedding blows up because of her, the aftermath would be the ideal time for Vivi to make her pitch to Don about moving to Alabasta.
     
    dang. just saw One Piece Film: Gold.. and I immediately thought of how cross would act in that situation near the end of the movie. I can easily see everything derailing in a completely spectacular manner.

    I can also easily see the main villain seeking cross out to "recruit" him at the earliest opportunity. or just to prove a point. If cross brain dose decide do a chapter concerning it, I can see them throwing it in the mix at anytime. Including pre-time skip. Including Durring Thriller bark.

    I also found the Gold villain surprisingly sympathetic if you read between the lines.
     
    Chapter 46 - Ice Hunter Pt 2
  • Threadmarks
    • Chapter 46
    ​
    Cross-Brain AN: Edit as of January 23, 2017. To DuncanIdaho2014:

    Claim that we're the greatest if you wish. But the fact remains that you have cemented your position as our rival by claiming the mantle of the most popular One Piece fan fiction. We offer you our heartfelt congratulations, and eagerly look forward to seeing what you come up with next.

    …And just as much? We look forward to when we finally clash to see who is most worthy of the title. May the best fan (or fans) win.
    ​

    "Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused as I stared over the edge of one of the many pews lying on their sides scattered across the room. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

    'This', by the by, was the absolutely massive free-for-all brawl that was raging before me in the center of the once grand and noble Seafaring Parish of St. Jude Thaddeus, the Patron Saint of Hope of all things, with said brawl being composed of a great many individuals, who themselves were all wielding a variety of weapons, if they chose to wield weapons at all.

    Soundbite poked his eyes over the edge of the pew so that he could give the fight a bored once-over. "YOU KNOW THE MOST ironic thing?" he dully noted. "Our crewmates aren't even CAUSING THE WORST OF THE DAMAGE. MOST OF THEM GOT THE HELL OUT OF DODGE when the shit started flying, they're waiting outside."

    That little tidbit prompted me to slap my hand to my forehead, and I knocked the back of my head against my cover even as I watched an Accino grunt fly above me and slam into the wall.

    "Three hours…" I groaned. "How did we manage to screw shit up so badly in three hours?"

    ~o~​

    Thinking back, I have to admit that for once, not all the fault was on our shoulders.

    Allow me to be perfectly clear: the fiasco that my crew went through in an attempt to organize this… event? It was enough to guarantee that if I ever got married, it was either going to be with no less than a full year of preparation or in a small, quiet (Soundbite howled with laughter when I told him that later, and I… didn't really have it in myself to protest) ceremony that would be tossed together in three hours, maybe less.

    Where to even start… bah, the beginning's as good as anywhere, I suppose. Our first order of business while we waited for the church to arrive was to deal with Don Accino's flag collection. Not too bad; while half of the Accinos kept the Don busy with preparing their own ship and hitching it to the Sunny, Robin, Luffy, Chopper, Merry, and I went through the—ergh—trophies.

    To elaborate, aside from Robin, who was handling the Don's sizeable ledger with her nearly bottomless well of knowledge on the subject-matter, Luffy had apparently decided to dredge up another lesson from Shanks and was present as a sign of respect, and I was there so that Soundbite and Merry could assist with any identification that lay outside Robin's purview; after all, most of the flags had had the ships' souls imprinted within them, and those that didn't still had voices of their own.

    As sadly expected, while the vast majority of the emblems hailed from ruthless and bloodthirsty crews that left Merry and Soundbite reeling, we still had to bury over a quarter of the collection away from the Don's prying eyes. As for the rest, well… let's just say that if Hockera noticed Chopper passing by and cracking open a vial or two or ten containing spores from a cloth-devouring mold he'd altered to be hyper-aggressive when given plenty of heat and moisture, he didn't mention it. Took us just over ten minutes to finish up.

    From there, we travelled to the chapel. Also not too bad; with Sunny's paddle system, Nami bending the wind to our favor, and Conis, Lassoo, and Usopp providing some extra thrust, we made it to the church (and if St. Jude Thaddeus wasn't proof that the World Government knew what it was doing where floating buildings were concerned, I'll eat my gauntlets) in the space of half an hour.

    All told, actually reaching the church took about, oooh, forty minutes or so? Leaving us with—

    -2 HOURS, 20 MINUTES REMAINING-​

    From there, we actually started working on setting up the wedding. Our first order of business was the division of labor, and big surprise, that was when our troubles chose to rear their heads.

    -o-​

    "Alright, everybody, listen up!" I announced, sweeping my eyes over our assembled crew.

    The building we were in, I'll admit, was a nice place. Massive double doors opening from the antechamber into a large room with a domed ceiling, windows at the top allowing light to come in. A few dozen pews lined up in four rows provided space for a few hundred people, maybe even a thousand. One corner had a large organ and a couple of dozen chairs, clearly intended for the choir, while statues, carvings, and mosaic murals decorated the walls and pillars. A cross-shaped pool easily big enough for half a dozen people to fit in, filled to the brim with water, was at the front, and a slightly elevated dais with a large altar and two throne-like chairs was at the front and center of the room.

    Yet the only Bible I could see was sitting on a small table between the two chairs. You'd think they'd have more than one…

    I drew my thoughts away from that as I looked at the crew, Luffy hanging from the rafters but everyone else in states of relative calm. 'Relative' being the key word there, given that Accino was looming behind me and cooking my backside, with his kids standing at his sides.

    "Now," I started hesitantly, glancing over my shoulder at the Heat-Human standing behind me. "I realize that this is all kind of nutty, and rather touch-and-go, and I know that we don't really have a plan of action—!"

    "Ah, actually, Cross?" Vivi interrupted.

    A glance at her revealed that she was holding a small packet of notes about an inch thick.

    "Uh…?" I slowly raised a finger questioningly.

    "I… drew these up on the way here?" she smiled tentatively.

    "You outlined an entire wedding plan in under an hour," Nami deadpanned, clearly not believing a word our crew's Princess said.

    "…experience as a royal?"

    I took a moment to weigh the pros and cons of calling Vivi on the blatant bull-honkey she was peddling before coming to and voicing my conclusion of "I could care less if you got them from the devil himself. Alright, Vivi, you've apparently got the plans, that means you've also got point. I'll help you supervise, try and keep things from going pear-shaped."

    "Ah… o-okay, then…" Vivi shuffled through her notes before taking a calming breath and regarding our friends with… relative amounts of confidence, but still confidence. "Okay, okay. First, the obvious delegation: Sanji, you'll be handling the catering."

    "But of course, dear Vivi," Sanji bowed to the Princess before addressing the Don. "Two hours is more than enough time to prepare a banquet fit for a wedding. So, does the father of the bride—"

    "Underage~" Soundbite sang softly.

    "Still need hors d'oeuvres," Sanji smoothly added, his menacing grin prompting Soundbite to snap back into his shell. "As I was saying, does the father of the bride have any preferences for the menu?"

    The Don made a careless gesture, upon which Arbell, with a wrinkled expression, handed our cook a list. Sanji started scanning it, and it took all of five seconds for the blood to evacuate his face. "…Vivi? Do you already have something planned for Chopper?" he croaked.

    "Uh…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow uncertainly. "Uuunless any medical emergencies come up, no. Why?"

    "Yeah, Sanji, why would you need my help?" Chopper questioned with a tilt of his head.

    "Because this is the menu the good Mister Accino wants me to cook," Sanji answered, gulping audibly as he stuck the paper before the reindeer's face. When Chopper started to frown in confusion, Sanji tapped a section of the page. "These numbers here? These are Scoville counts."

    Chopper's pupils snapped into pinpricks, and he slowly looked up with a haunted gaze. "I'm gonna need a lot of liquid nitrogen and milk… and some heat-resistant suits couldn't hurt either."

    "On our ship, in the back," Arbell deadpanned, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder.

    "Thank you kindly." Chopper tipped his hat at the Accino heir before ambling off, a fervently muttering Sanji right on his heels.

    "Uhh…" Vivi hummed uncomfortably before glancing up at the Don. "Sir, I realize that your abilities will serve to protect you, but what about—?"

    "Ohh, don't worry, Princess," Accino smirked around his cigar. "I'm entirely aware that my proposed menu will almost definitely melt the mouth of anyone who has some, and not just from how delicious it is. After all…" He crossed his arms proudly and straightened to his maximum height and girth. "Just because I need the Hirunos here and for this wedding to proceed properly does not mean I either need or want those bastards to be comfortable. And if they starve? So be it!"

    I felt a sweatdrop hanging from my head, and saw one hanging from everyone else on the crew.

    Vivi's, it should be noted, was particularly large. "Oh, this is going to be fun…" she groaned acridly before turning her gaze upward. "Anyway, moving on, Luffy, you—oh, for the love of Kek."

    "Oh, this is going to be really fun," I deadpanned as I stared up at the blatantly empty rafters, then at Soundbite. "Hey, Sanji, just a heads-up: Luffy's MIA."

    "Of course he is," the cook sighed wearily. "Bah, if he wants a taste, then he can have it. With any luck, it'll be enough to lay him out flat."

    "And since when have we ever been that lucky?" Vivi mused as she shuffled through her notes. "Anyway. Franky, Usopp, it sounds like you'll have to handle building the decorations and painting this place by yourselves. Is that alright with you?"

    Our mechanically-and-artistically-inclined crewmates nodded in acceptance—

    "Oh! Oh oh oh!"

    —Only for Merry to interrupt by jumping in her seat and waving her arms eagerly.

    "They won't be alone!" she promised. "I can help them both out! After all, I have their skillsets in my skull, so anything they can do, I can do just as well! I'll just pull double-duty to help them out!"

    "Eh…" Much to our surprise, it was actually Arbell who chose that moment to speak up, her voice… almost gentle!? "Are you really sure that you can keep up with your crewmates? After all, your body is pretty young."

    "Hm… that's actually a fair point!" Merry mused, making a show of tapping her chin 'thoughtfully'. "Allow me to offer you my calm and measured rebutRAGH!" Franky and Zoro were forced to move swiftly to grab the caravel's arms and hoist her flailing form into the air before she could leap at Arbell, her teeth gnashing violently.

    "Yo, Merry, calm your tits!" Raphey called out. "Save it for—"

    The dugong froze as the shipgirl pinned her with a glare that could peel paint. "Bitch, my tits are calm," Merry said in a deceptively even voice. "The left one is named Siddhartha Buddha and the right one is Vardhamana Mahavira, and together they are lactating a veritable font of peace and understanding. It is the rest of me that's pissed. AND AS FOR YOU!" Her blistering glare and tone regained their heat as she snapped her attention back to Arbell, who to her credit didn't even flinch. "I'LL RIP YER BLOOMERS OFF AND STUFF 'EM DOWN YER BLOODY GULLET! YERS AND ALL YER ICE-LUBBIN' FLAG-STEALIN'—"

    "Mute," I deadpanned, snapping my fingers.

    "…? …!" Merry stopped trying to speak as she realized that she had been muted. Then, glowering, she reached into her coat, and pulled out a—

    I facepalmed. "You planned for this?" I groaned.

    "…" Merry was… well, silent as she peered out from beneath the red and white cap she had donned.

    "Right, moving the damned hell along before I can really get freaked out by this." I shook my head vigorously as I snapped my attention back to Arbell. "So, just in case you happened to miss it, yes, she's definitely up for this."

    "Glad to hear it…" Accino growled out as he ashed a cigar from both ends. "Now get her out of my sight before I lay a lesson about respecting her superiors on her backside she won't soon forget. Or ever."

    "…!" A flash of fear came over Merry's expression, and she, Usopp, and Franky promptly skedaddled out of the room.

    "…I need to get a hat like that," Lil muttered to herself.

    "Right!" Vivi clapped her hands together imperiously. "Moving on. Who here has experience with the piano or organ?"

    Robin smiled as she splayed the fingers on the extra hands she'd suddenly acquired. "I like to think that I'm quite proficient. After all…" A slightly wistful look came over her. "Nobody ever pays attention to the lonely piano man…"

    "Ah…" Vivi blinked in surprise. "Wait, that phrase… where do I—?"

    "Ah!" Robin's arms disintegrated into petals as her face suddenly flushed. "I'll, ah, just be getting to that—!"

    "Oh, yeah, now I wemembah!" Carue slapped his wing to his forehead. "Dat's a wine fwom 'Da Woved and Da Wovewess!' You know, dat twashy West Bwue womance novel you—WACK!"

    "I will pluck you nude and cook you into a turducken," Robin calmly stated, her usual serene smile in place but her arms twitching murderously as they held Carue in place. After a moment of silence, the arms evaporated. "So, I assume the sheet music is on the instrument in question?"

    Hockera nodded frantically, and Robin walked off, leaving us watching her with no small amount of fear.

    "…Right," Vivi piped up, snapping my attention back to her. "Now, Mister Accino, so long as your family is handling the wardrobe…?" She heaved a sigh of relief when the Hot-Human nodded. "Alright, then that's everything for the wedding proper, meaning all that's left is our main priority: security. Carue, if you wouldn't mind organizing things properly?"

    "Of couwse, Vivi!" Carue saluted proudly.

    "Hrmph," Accino snorted doubtfully, taking a drag from his cigar. "You're leaving security up to the duck?"

    "No, she ishn't."

    THWAP!

    In that instant, I mirrored the Accino-heirs perfectly in that I nearly pissed my pants when Carue jumped up and smacked the freaking cigar from Don Accino's mouth.

    "She's entwusting the secuwity to the individuaw who's been her pewsonaw bodyguawd her entire wife," Carue stated. "And fow da wecawd, I'm wiwwing to take a wot of fwak… but my pwide as a captain in da Awabastan Militawy and Vivi's guawd is not something I will evah wet anyone mock. Got it?"

    I gained an entirely new respect for Carue in that moment as he maintained his firm expression, but said respect was vastly overshadowed by the existential dread I felt as the ambient temperature slowly cranked up to levels where I felt like I was right back in the middle of He—I mean Alabasta. Neither Vivi nor Carue, however, even flinched.

    Unfortunately for all of us observing, the standoff dragged on for a minute, but then, out of the blue, the temperature snapped right back to normal, and a smirk grew on Don Accino's face as he fished out another cigar and placed it in his mouth. "Continue," he invited.

    Most of us shared dumbstruck looks, while Carue settled for snorting gratefully. "Gwad to have yoah appwoval. Now!" He clapped his wings together. "Wisten up! Evewyone we have weft will be spwit intah thwee teams tah cover evewy angle. Fiwst, Don." He looked back at our 'clients'. "I'm guessing dat you've got a buncha gifts foah dis mess?"

    "Condolence gifts from our friends," Campacino explained.

    "But we got twice as many as we expected, so…" Brindo waved his hand side to side uncomfortably.

    Carue slapped a wing to his face with a groan. "Ah'f couwse. Twelfth birthday aww ovew again, Stomp stiww has a stain in his feathahs… awight, Su, Wassoo, Funkfweed, you'we all with me. We'we be keeping watch ovah dah pwesents and dah ones with good noses wiww be weeding out da 'supwises'. Zowo, Nami, Conis, you thwee'll head outside and handle any thweats coming by sea owah—and aye can't bewieve this is actuawwy a possibiwity—by aiw. And finawwy, Boss, you and your students head undahwatah. If you see anything even vaguewy thweatening, punch it untiw it's not. Evewyone awight with that?"

    There was a chorus of vague agreements…

    "Actually."

    And a single protest from the worst person it could come from.

    Carue twitched uncomfortably before glancing up at Don Accino. "Yes, Mistah Accino?" he asked uneasily.

    "Oh, don't get your feathers in a snag, duck," the Don said dismissively. "Most of your plan is fine and good, but I do have one proviso. For the underwater guard force."

    "Come again?" Boss almost demanded.

    "Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement. "In case you haven't noticed, we're amphibious! Where do you want us, guarding the sky!? Nami's already got that—GRK!"

    Mikey was interrupted and left gasping by a blast of hot air Accino snorted at him. "Would you rather wind up on my dinner plate, lightly steamed with butter?" he bit out.

    The dugong shook his head with a pained wheeze, Raphey and Leo glaring at the heat-human in his place.

    Don Accino took a calming drag from his cigar before continuing. "Anyways. Knowing this crew, and more specifically you five, I require some extra security to ensure that you don't try anything clever—or more likely, shell-headed—in an effort to slip out of this. As such, I've decided to assign the best of our Fierce Penguins to shadowing you."

    Boss and I both stiffened fiercely at that, me from horror and him from… I actually don't know.

    "Wait… you don't mean—!" I started to get out.

    "I knew this day would come…" Boss ground out.

    Before either of us could say anything further, however, Lil brought her fingers to her lips, blew a sharp whistle—

    SLAM!

    "Aloha, convicts!"

    And the doors were promptly kicked open by the absolute last quartet of fuzz and feathers that I ever wanted to see and with the leader speaking in the last voice I ever wanted to hear, if only for the sake of preserving the last tattered shreds of my sanity.

    I slowly turned a murderous glare on Soundbite. "I… I don't even know what the hell to say to you about this."

    "WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT they say!" Soundbite leered right back. "IF YOU DON'T HAVE anything nice to say, THEN SHUT THE HELL—!"

    "Rico!"

    "HORK!"

    PTANG!

    "—GAH!"

    "Silence, convict!" the lead penguin barked as he jabbed his flipper at my partner. "You all are under my command now! I don't care if you're really some big-shot coolio pirate thanks to your namby-pamby talk show, you will only speak when I say you can and—!"

    "Not under your jurisdiction, Skipper," Lil deadpanned.

    "—erk," the unsurprisingly-named… ergh, Skipper, choked.

    "Sorry, Miss Lil!" the dopey-looking one piped up in a childish British accent. "Skipper just gets excited from time to time! He always says how he doesn't want to let you—!" SLAP! "Gah!"

    "No one likes a suck-up, Private," Skipper deadpanned, his flipper still in post-dopeslap position.

    Lil shook her head with a glance upwards that was equal parts fond and long-suffering before turning back to us. "These four are by far the strongest I've ever trained. Rico, demolitions and special weapons expert—"

    "HUGH! HAHAHAHA!" the wild-looking penguin cackled, vomiting up a lit stick of dynamite and starting to juggle it around.

    "Private, a rookie but still surprisingly capable—"

    Without warning, Rico lobbed the TNT to Private, who started juggling it between his flippers as he waddled for the door. "Oh no, oh no, oh no—!"

    "Kowalski, the—"

    "Lemme guess," I cut in with a groan, dragging a hand down my face. "Scientist and tactician?"

    "According to my calculations…" the tallest of the penguins announced, whipping out an abacus and slapping around the beads for a second before looking up flatly. "Private will get the dynamite out of the building!"

    KABOOM!

    "WAAAAAH—!"

    SLAM!

    "OOF!"

    Kowalski barely even flinched as a smoking Private slammed into and stuck to the wall above us. "Private, however, will not get out of the radius of the blast."

    "Called it," I deadpanned, before flinching under the rest of the Accino's glares. "IIII'll shut up now."

    "And finally," Lin concluded. "The leader of the squad, the most competent, the most professional, the strongest soldier we have besides Papa—!"

    "The Mad Penguin."

    We all paused in confusion as someone spoke up, but that question was promptly answered when Boss waddled to the front, his teeth tightly clenched around his cigar, and his eyes unerringly locked on Skipper.

    "Of Gascar," he finished, his tone positively glacial.

    Skipper, for his part, just blinked at Boss in confusion for a moment before smirking and waddling up to him, staring up at the dugong's mug in spite of the fact that he was twice his height. "Now that's a name I haven't heard in awhile. Haven't seen you in awhile either, Dissy."

    The captain of our ship's guard narrowed his eyes menacingly. "It's Boss now, Penguin." He took a hard drag of his cigar and blew the smoke right in Skipper's face. "Boss. Dugong."

    Skipper didn't even flinch at the smoke, instead letting his smirk widen. "Is that so? Well, it's nice to see you again after all these years… Bessy."

    I darted my weary gaze between the two amphibious fighters before asking what everyone was thinking and what I was dreading. "I take it you two know each other?"

    "You could say that," Skipper said, tilting his head at me without ever breaking eye contact with Boss. "Before I came to be under the Accinos' employ, I worked odd jobs here and there around the Line. And every time a job brought me to Alabasta, it always seemed like Ol' Bessy was there to greet me! Heck!" Skipper spun on his talons as he casually snapped a flipper up. "I can't even remember all the times we've clashed! What was it, Bessy, a hundred? Two hundred?"

    "Too many to count, Penguin," Boss intoned darkly. "But I only ever endeavor to remember the one: Erumalu."

    In an instant, Skipper had his snarling beak in Boss's impassive mug. "Don't you dare bring up Erumalu around me, you crossbred son of a barnacle!" he spat.

    Boss took a deliberately slow drag from his cigar before blowing another cloud of smoke at the penguin, this time sending an unfortunately nearby Private into a coughing fit. "Make me, lead wing."

    As we watched the sparks crackle and fly between the two, Soundbite leaned his head towards me. "I WOULD LAUGH at the appropriateness of the bird's moniker," he hissed. "But this is way too cool."

    "Ditto…" Mikey chuckled eagerly as he gleefully watched the exchange.

    "You say 'cool', I say 'annoying as all hell!" Raphey bit out as she warily eyed the three (two and a half, really, Private was still wheezing) penguins that were eyeing them in turn. "These feather-fluff combos nabbed us all through cheating!"

    Rico's response to that was to stick his tongue out at her and drag his eyelid down with a flipper, cackling all the while. This, of course, necessitated Mikey hastily grabbing Raphey before she could tackle the mad penguin.

    "She has a point, you know… ignoring the physical assault…" Leo groused, a quick exchange of glares with his team's brawler stopping her attempt at attacking, though not her growling. "Why do we have to have them as our guards?"

    "Heck, why do we need guards, period? You've studied the SBS, have we ever given the impression that we wouldn't keep our end of a bargain!? Besides Nami, I mean," Donny said, conveniently positioned so that Zoro and Conis were between him and the aforementioned navigator. "No offense, of course."

    "None taken," Nami smiled beatifically.

    ZAP!

    "YEOWCH!"

    The stench of ozone and cooked dugong that suddenly permeated the air said different.

    "We're aware. This is simply a matter of insurance, for both of us," the Don said. "After all, you wouldn't expect us to add nothing to the security ourselves, would you?" He then turned his gaze down to the two leering animals, who promptly dropped their glaring contest in favor of dropping to their knees when the temperature suddenly spiked. "And I expect you to put whatever past you have together behind you until the wedding is complete. Am I clear?"

    "Y-Yes Don-Boss, sir," Skipper coughed out.

    "My word…" Boss groaned. "As a Man."

    "Good," Accino snorted as he thankfully killed the heat. "Now, if you need me, I'll be on my ship getting hammered enough that when the Hiruno witch and her brood arrive, I won't instinctively flash-boil everything in a quarter-mile radius. So, unless there's anything else?" His tone clearly said that there'd better damn well not be, and thankfully there wasn't. "Good. Now hurry the hell up and get to it." And with that he headed straight out of the double doors, and soon after everyone who remained slowly trickled off to their assigned posts, though the way Boss and Skipper kept eyeing one another in the process did not fill me with confidence.

    Once everyone was gone, Vivi, Soundbite and I briefly stood in silence before Vivi shot me a far too confident smile.

    "You know… I think we actually just might pull this off."

    ~o~​

    "'Might pull this off', my ass," I grumbled under my breath as I watched a particularly large bounty hunter use a pew as an impromptu club to mow down his competition with. "When we get out of this, I'm gonna host a damn seminar titled 'Lines we do not freaking taunt Murphy with'!"

    "AMEN, brudda!" Soundbite nodded in agreement. "But for now, I think we should PROBABLY MOVE, FOR WOOD IS WEAK—!"

    SMASH!     "GAH!"

    I flinched as an insensate bounty hunter's head crashed through my cover way too close to my own head for comfort. "And their skulls are thick, right. Any ideas?"

    "Uhh… OH! The food table, it's FRANKY-BRAND REINFORCED! Ya know, 'CAUSE LUFFY."

    "Perfect," I nodded. I promptly set about skimming along the ground hidden by whatever mostly-intact pews remained, dodging any bullets, bodies or otherwise improvised projectiles that shot my way as I headed for my aforementioned destination. And there I found someone else taking cover, prompting me to don a flat look.

    "You do realize that a good portion of the blame for this situation goes to you, right?" I testily pointed out.

    "Ex-cuse me!? If you'll forgive my language, how the hell do you reason that, Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi snapped back with just as much heat. "Everything I did, I did trying to make sure that this was the perfect wedding!"

    "We were supposed to sabotage the wedding!" I snapped, flinging my hands up… or, at least, I tried, but still, it was the gesture that counted. "And you were a freaking nightmare to work with the entire time!"

    "Oh, please!" Vivi snapped her head away with a sniff. "I was nowhere near that bad!"

    ~o~

    -1 HOUR, 30 MINUTES REMAINING-    ​

    "Nononono, this table needs to be 2.68 inches to the north and .54 inches to the east, or the feng shui of the room will be off!" Vivi snapped at the hapless staff (read: mercs she'd brow-beaten into wearing suits). "And the chairs have to be in an exact hexagonal configuration at the specified coordinates! For all the tables!"

    "B-b-b-b—" said merc whimpered under Vivi's rage, yelping as she grabbed his collar.

    "Did I stutter?"

    "Y-Yes, ma'am, I-I-I mean no ma'am, I mean hurry the hell up already before she castrates me!" the poor man barked to his colleagues, who swiftly scrambled to fulfill the request.

    Taking a deep sigh, Vivi took a step back and began inspecting the decorations Merry, Franky, and Usopp were still putting up, frowning. I had gotten very good at deciphering her frowns over the last fifteen minutes, and thankfully this one was the 'I'm still deciding if you screwed up, don't disappoint me' frown.

    While she was doing this, another one of the suited mercs walked up to her, his knees visibly shaking. "Uh, Miss Vivi?'

    "Not right now," she said, still eyeing the decorations.

    "Miss Vivi, this is very importa—"

    "Yes, yes, I'm sure," Vivi absentmindedly waved, eyes zeroing in on Franky—who had just arranged some of the lace streamers to vaguely resemble a cannon firing. "Franky! Rearrange those, we can't be having any violent motifs at a wedding!"

    "Aw, c'mon!" Franky snapped. "It barely looks like a cannon! And besides, this is a bunch of bounty hunters! They'd love it!"

    "Just change it!"

    "Alright, alright, keep your shirt on… HEY, MERRY, MIND LENDING ME A HAND!"

    "BIT BUSY UP HERE!" Merry called down from the rafters, where she and Usopp were hanging via an admittedly impressive set of ropes.

    Vivi shot a momentary glance up at the pair before snapping her full attention to them. "LESS WHITE, MORE BLUE!"

    "INDEED!" Brindo (the twin wearing red, of all people) yelled up in agreement as he rolled a table into place. "AFTER ALL, THE BLUE OF THE SEA AND THE ICE IS OUR NOBLE FAMILY'S COLOR!"

    "WHAT!?" Campacino (the other, blue-wearing twin) shouted from across the hall, where he had been helping carry a stack of chairs before dropping them off in the arms of the nearest (and going by the way he staggered under the weight, woefully under-muscled) merc to him. "DEAR BROTHER, SURELY YOU ARE JOKING! CLEARLY, WHAT WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND THE RADIANCE OF OUR FATHER'S ABILITIES, RED IS THE COLOR OF OUR FAMILY MOST NOBLE!"

    The pair of them exchanged looks of irritation, and then, with the nonsense that Oda himself had come up with, they glowed red and blue, flew towards each other from opposite sides of the room by 'twin magnetism'…

    "EN GARDE YOU—!"

    SLAM!

    "ARGH!"

    And opened their brawl with a mirrored pair of hooks to one another's jaws.

    "If you two make a mess, I'll make sure no one can tell where one of you starts and the other one ends," Vivi promised, before glaring up at our paint-adept again. "AND WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU TWO WORKING?"

    "Uh… we don't know which one to listen to?" Usopp answered uneasily.

    "JUST PICK A NAME OUT OF A HAT!"

    Usopp started to nod before shooting a bemused look at Merry. "I… can't remember which had which name… or which supported which color scheme either. You?"

    Merry responded by giving him a flat look before slapping her hands together. "I'm out. HEY, FRANKY, LOOK OUT ABOVE!" And before our sniper could react, she slipped out of her harness and dropped onto our shipwright's shoulders.

    Thankfully, Vivi chose to nod at that, somehow satisfied, and I flinched as she turned her gaze on me, her eyes all but quite literally blazing behind… her…

    "Where the hell did she get that monocle?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

    "DIDN'T SEE, too scared!" Soundbite whimpered from within his shivering shell.

    "AHEM?"

    "Yes'm!" I yelped, snapping to attention under Vivi's piercing gaze.

    She sniffed haughtily at my reaction before directing her attention at my snail. "Connect me to Sanji," she ordered in a tone that brooked no argument.

    For a moment, my mind was at war, self-preservation clashing with thrill-seeking, disrespect for authority, and pride. And then common sense whacked pride upside the head and knocked it out, leveling the playing field and allowing me to make the smart decision.

    "Well, you heard the woman," I told Soundbite.

    "God knows I wish I hadn't…" he moaned back, but nevertheless there was a moment of static, and then—

    "Little busy at the moment, Cross," Sanji replied, sounding decidedly strained.

    "Not Cross, me," Vivi stated. "Status report, Sanji."

    "Gah!" Sanji yelped frantically. "O-Of course, Princess! Sweet, sweet, beautiful princess who I serve hand and foot and I definitely do not want to tell to go away at this moment, just give me a second to… HEY, YOU! GET OVER HERE AND HOLD THIS!… alright, there we go. Ah, anyway, let's see… alright, the main dishes will be ready on time, despite the… eccentric menu." Soundbite's shell shivered again. "I swear, where the hell did he get a recipe for liquid smoke…? On an unrelated note, I really hope you don't need Chopper anytime soon, because my help is rotating through him like clockwork, and if I lose him, I'm screwed."

    "Duly noted," Vivi nodded. "And the cake?"

    "In the oven, and the frosting and decorations are being made as we speak." There was a pregnant pause over the line before Sanji continued. "The, ah, specifications, though… I'd never question you, my dear princess, but these are very exacting and I don't trust any of these yahoos to do it right. But I also don't want to be away from the main prep for so long—"

    "That's by design," Vivi interrupted. "The banquet's a lost cause, what with the Don's specifications."

    "Tell me about it," Sanji groaned despondently. "I'm brewing and serving the 'punch' in a cast iron pot! It's melted everything else!"

    "Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble!"

    "At least Chopper's having fun keeping it stable… though now I'm going to have to have someone keep an eye on this thing to make sure it isn't breathing."

    "…Anyway," Vivi picked up, shaking off the bemusement of what she heard and getting back into her professional form. "The banquet is a lost cause, but the cake has to be perfect."

    There was a brief pause before Sanji spoke up again. "Even the runes on the gazebo?"

    "They're hieroglyphs, not runes, but yes, even the hieroglyphs on the gazebo."

    "As my princess wishes," Sanji sighed, the line going dead…

    "Pst, Sanji!"

    Until I reopened it.

    "Cross, wha—!?"

    "Look, just tell me real quick," I hissed as I spared a glance at Vivi, who was thankfully not looking my way. "Does this place have any salt in its storerooms?"

    "What are you—Ugh, yes, there are a ton of salt bags back here, what about it?"

    I heaved a sigh of relief. "Glad to hear it. Now, make sure to smuggle what bags you can onto the Sunny when you get the opening, as much as you can manage."

    "What!? Cross, I swear, if this is some kind of a stupid joke or something—!"

    "I'm deadly serious!" I interrupted him with as much emphasis as I could manage and still keep quiet. "The next fight we go into is going to be a nightmare already, and it'll only be bigger unless we stockpile as much salt as you can grab! Got it?"

    There was a tense silence for a moment before Sanji heaved a sigh. "Yeah, alright, you make it sound pretty serious. I'll wave in some of the Dugongs to get it done. Just… try and reign in Vivi while you're out there, alright?"

    "You're kidding, right?" I scoffed even as I cut my hand across my throat and returned my attention to her.

    Thankfully, the Princess had lapsed into blessed, thoughtful silence. But sadly, it didn't last long before she turned to a large table shoved into the back of the chapel. It was groaning under the weight of the gaudily wrapped wedding presents which Lassoo and Funkfreed were warily sniffing and prodding at. Seriously, I think some of the wrapping was actual gold. Also, for some reason or other, there seemed to be something struggling under the tablecloth, but I very firmly decided to ignore that.

    "How are things going with the presents, Carue?" the Princess asked.

    The duck looked up at her with a tortured squawk. "So faw, we've defused a dozen bombs, got wid of at weast ten packages of poisoned food, got wid of half a dozen packages that wewen't deadwy but weally shouldn't go to someone wemotely cwose tah hew age, and thwee ow fouw packages dat had wive contents. A hownet's nest, a sedated wild boaw, a supwisingwy aggwesive swoth—"

    "GAH!" Su gasped as she stuck her head out from under the table and panted in exhaustion, her usually pristine fur frazzled and wet. "And one… very determined… pygmy sperm whale… that I think has some squid or octopus blood in it."

    Soundbite poked an eyestalk out of his shell so that he could… well, eye her. "YOU HOLDING up alright?"

    Su panted a second longer before grinning confidently and sticking up her paw in what I assumed was an approximation of a thumbless thumbs-up. "I'm… wearing him down!"

    Her grin then died when a tentacle stuck out from under the table. "Oh, no, not agai—WAGH!" Aaand with that she was yanked back under the table and the struggle picked up anew.

    Carue stared at the struggle for a moment before looking up sheepishly. "It's a wowk in pwogwess."

    "So I see," Vivi muttered, and I braced for another outburst. "Well, just keep the duds out of sight and it should be fine. Now, what else…"

    The former princess trailed off in thought, not noticing another besuited merc walking up to her. "Uh, Miss Vivi?" he said. She gave no sign that she'd heard, and the merc shot us a pleading look. Soundbite and I glanced at each other, and shrugged in a 'what can you do' sort way. Sighing, the merc shook his head and spoke up again. "Miss Vivi?"

    Silence.

    The merc's face hardened, and he completely ignored my frantic head-shaking in favor of loudly clearing his throat. "Oi! Miss Vivi?"

    I think the glare Vivi shot over her shoulder at the poor bastard managed to stop my heart just as long as his. "What?"

    "Ah… N-N-Never mind, Miss Vivi," he simpered. "I'm… sure it's not that important in the long run."

    "Good," she nodded firmly before turning her attention away and wandering off. "Now, who would have an idea of the proper seating arrangements…"

    Once she was a ways away, Soundbite slowly poked his head out of his shell with a grimace. "GOD SAVE US from the princess!"

    "At this point?" I sighed. "I'd take the devil if he offered."

    I then proceeded to freeze as a tinkling giggle echoed through the rafters.

    "ON THE OTHER HAND!" I yelped, making a bolt for it. "WAIT THE HELL UP, PRINCESS!"

    ~o~​

    Vivi maintained her glare for a moment longer before glancing away and poking her fingers together. "I… alright, I admit to having maybe gone a bit overboard… but!" She snapped her finger up as she defiantly met my gaze. "In my defense, I was just trying to make this wedding the best it could be!"

    "We were supposed to tank the wedding, you blue-haired bimbo!" I grabbed her shoulders with a roar. "The Accino kids wanted to make sure that their sister didn't get married!"

    A blue hue slowly fell over Vivi's face. "…riiiiight…"

    "SERIOUSLY!" Soundbite barked. "You've been eccentric and ditzy in the past, BUT THIS!? WHAT THE HELL, BITCH!?"

    "Uhhh…" Vivi hedged uncertainly as she looked anywhere but at me. "In my defense, it's failing spectacularly anyway?"

    A spectacular SMASH rang out at just that instant, but utterly failed to sway my partner or I.

    "Try again," we snarled in synch.

    Vivi's mouth flapped uselessly for a second before she hung her head with a defeated sigh. "So… I might not have been entirely honest with you all."

    I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Of fucking course. About what, exactly?"

    "About these." Vivi felt around in her pockets for a moment before withdrawing and holding out… a familiar pack of notes? Wait a…

    "The wedding plan?" I questioned incredulously.

    "I… didn't really come up with it on the spot," she admitted shamefacedly. "It was something I'd been working on for years, ever since I was a little girl. Ever since I realized that I had feelings for…" Vivi trailed off into silence as a blush crawled up her cheeks.

    Still, it wasn't like she had to say anything further, seeing as I managed to make the necessary connection. "Hieroglyphs… why didn't I realize sooner?" I winced sympathetically. "All this… you were stressing out and micromanaging because you were essentially setting up your own wedding, weren't you?"

    Vivi nodded with a weary sigh of her own. "I just… with how things are, with the World Government and my bounty and everything… I love the crew, I really do—!"

    "Never doubted it for a second."

    "But…" Vivi rubbed her arm, not looking me in the eye. "I just… after everything that's happened… I wanted one thing, my childhood dream…" She smiled tearfully. "To go right… you know?"

    I was silent for a second before slowly smiling and reaching my hand out to grasp Vivi's shoulder. "Vivi… no matter what, you'll always be one of my best friends in the world. You know that, right?"

    Vivi's smile remained in place as she nodded.

    "Then as your friend, I just want you to know I bear you no malice when I say this." I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your real wedding… is probably not gonna be much different from this."

    Vivi's expression froze so hard I could hear the sound of shattering glass.

    …no, wait, that was one of the light fixtures being yanked down from the ceiling.

    "Excuse me?" she croaked uncertainly.

    "Well… I mean, isn't it kind of obvious?" I asked as though it were, well, the most obvious thing in the world. "Think about it: as I just said, we're your friends. That means that come hell, high water or lack of invitation, we will all be attending your wedding. And considering what happened this time the Straw Hat Pirates were involved with a wedding, well…" I gestured helplessly at the chaos occurring just a few feet from us.

    A most astounding explosion rang out at that instant, accompanied by a pained cry of "MY LEG!", though that last one might have been Soundbite's doing.

    "Yeah, that."

    For the most part, Vivi's face remained frozen in a rictus grin, though her eye did start to twitch in what I suspected was an unhealthy manner.

    "But, hey!" I grinned cheerily, lightening my tone in what I hoped was a supportive manner. "Look on the bright side: no matter how much of an unmitigated disaster it is, you'll still be surrounded by your friends and family who love you very, very—!"

    "CROSS."

    My words died in my throat when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a horizon-to-horizon desert, at the foot of a very large, very golden and very radiant throne that was flanked by an equally radiant and titanic pair of cobra statues—no, wait, they were moving. Cobras. Actual giant-ass glowing cobras.

    "…eh?" I breathed in confusion, tilting my head up to look at said throne.

    I was met with the sight of a figure of pure power and authority glaring down at me with near unbridled contempt.

    "RUN."

    "RUNNING!" I yelped, bolting out from under the table and into the chaos, leaping over the bazooka-launched cannonball that just so happened to try and occupy the space where my head was, ducking under the massive axe that tried to pass through the space where my neck was…

    "GRAH!"

    "GAH!"

    Aaand finally wincing as Vivi bodily tackled me to the ground and flipped me over so that she was looming menacingly over Soundbite and I.

    "I will feast upon your entrails," Vivi hissed at me, Lion Cutters at the ready to disembowel me so that she could offer Sanji the requisite ingredients for said meal.

    I began frantically looking around for something that I could use to fend her off… and unfortunately, I found one.

    "Ah… Vivi? I think that we have more pressing issues at the moment."

    "Like what?"

    I swallowed heavily as I slowly pointed a shaking finger over her shoulder. "Like her," I squeaked.

    "YOU!"

    Vivi's rage died swift and hard as she snapped her head around in horror. "Meep…"

    And believe you me, Vivi's reaction was entirely appropriate, given her first encounter with the Matriarch of the Hiruno Famiglia not more than an hour ago.

    ~o~

    -1 HOUR REMAINING-    ​

    "Princess Nefertari!"

    I glanced up from the clipboard Vivi had handed off to me to catch sight of Arbell hastily approaching us, gnawing on her thumb with a level of anxiety uncharacteristic of someone who was wearing a furred coat and a tutu without a hint of shame. "This should be good for a laugh…" I mused.

    "I COULD sure as hell use one…" Soundbite muttered, his voice unimpeded by the bundle of pens Vivi had stuck in his mouth.

    "Hmm?" the princess barely glanced up from… whatever she'd been doing.

    "You need to drop whatever it is you're doing, right away!"

    That managed to get Vivi to snap her head up, albeit with an aggravated growl. "And why in the name of Set would I do that?"

    Arbell grimaced as though she were on the edge of ralphing. "Because the Hiruno Famiglia has been sighted on the horizon and will arrive soon, and Papa wants—!"

    "Demands!" Hockera corrected as he jogged past us towards the front door.

    "Grgh…" Arbell dragged her hand down her face. "Yes, yes, Papa demands that you be there to greet them. Best impressions and all that, for all that they're damnably wasted on those uncouth sons of…"

    "Dear, your blood pressure," Salchow pleaded desperately as he came up behind his wife and rubbed her shoulders. "Best behavior, remember?"

    Arbell glanced at her husband out of the corner of her eye. "Don't you hate them as much as I do?"

    "More," Salchow spat with a grimace. "I just find it more satisfying to fluster them with politeness and veiled snark than get up in their faces about it. So chin up, and let's get to it!"

    Vivi returned the grimace and shook her head with a sigh. "Oh, very well, if I have to. Where do you—?"

    "Ah, Vivi!" I yelped, hastily stepping in front of her. "Lemme just…" I swiftly raised my hand as if to brush at her hair, causing her to flinch, and then I used my other one to snatch her monocle off before her eyes reopened. "Alright, good to go!"

    Vivi blinked her eyes open and smiled beatifically. "Thank you, Cross, I appreciate it." She then grinned uncertainly. "But… um… would you mind coming with me? Just in case."

    I sighed in relief as I subtly stuffed the damned eyepiece I was holding in my back pocket to be properly disposed of later. "Be right there with you."

    She smiled gratefully, and a hasty bit of scrambling later—though I did spare a moment to appreciate the archway that Franky and Merry had constructed above the inner double doors—found me lingering off to the side, partly in shadow but within clear view and eyeshot of Vivi, while she and the Accino children—save for Lil, who was still in the back, most likely due to the whole 'brides and grooms' tradition—stood a short distance behind the double doors that led to the outside. They were the picture of class and etiquette, save for how Brindo and Campacino were bruised and growling at one another and Arbell was grinding her teeth like a chainsaw.

    The tension was palpable, as evidenced by the temperature rapidly mounting due to a surprisingly sober-looking Don Accino marching down the aisle and grumbling acridly as he adjusted his tie. "Alright, everyone here? Good," he snorted darkly. "Now I know we hate them and they hate us, but let's just try and get through this so that we only ever have to interact through our subordinates, agreed?"

    "Yes, Papa," the Accino children chorused, though my angle of view let me catch sight of them all crossing their fingers behind their backs.

    "Ah… Mister Accino?" Vivi raised her finger hesitantly. "It just occurred to me now, but… am I to assume that you've already briefed the Hirunos about our… unique situation, since you wanted me to be here to greet them?"

    Accino coughed slightly and glanced to the side. "A-ctually, they think you've all gone through Lovely Land's treatment and become compliant, are thus part of the dowry and that once we're done here we'll be giving you to the Marines for your bounties."

    "Ah, thank you, I just wanted to clear that I BEG YOUR PARDON!?" Vivi shrieked.

    SLAM! WHOOOOSH!

    Any further protest was killed by the doors to the outside slamming open via an obscenely stereotypical blast of cold air. After I got over my initial shivers from the frigid gale, I looked up and got my first look at the Hiruno Famiglia.

    As the name implied, they were definitely mafia-themed, as demonstrated by the way the mooks flanking them were all dressed in spic and span suits. However, in terms of actual size, the family proper was no bigger than the Accinos, with only three individuals really standing out.

    Heck, one of the three standing at the front wasn't all that scary; in fact, he was rather, well… pitiful. I mean, between the fact that he had barely any muscle on his bones, pasty pale skin, greasy black hair, sunken eyes and the way he seemed to keep twitching at anything and everything that moved, including his own shadow? I was honestly questioning whether or not one of Moriah's puppets had made a run for it. But going by the way the kid—and he was definitely a kid—barely scraped four-and-a-half feet tall? It looked like the poor bastard was our groom.

    But still, for all that the kid was pitiful, the rest of his family more than made up for it by chilling me to the bone with a menacing aura that was definitely top-ten I'd encountered.

    The… marginally less vile-looking of the two was a lanky male that reminded me of pre-Garp Helmeppo, if only by the aura his slicked back steel-gray hair and pince-nez gave off. Though to his credit, he was at least a little better built than Helmeppo. Still, his Helmeppo-ness was definitely emphasized by the quartet of… surprisingly identical-looking guards flanking him. All were dressed in tuxedos, and while the fact that they were all toting increasingly large violin cases would have normally made me think they were packing, the way their leader was tapping what looked to be a conductor's baton in his hand made me think twice. Honestly, I suppose it was only logical that there was someone on the Grand Line besides Brook who could incorporate music into their fighting, however much of an air of an ass he projected.

    But still, for all that the guy was bad, it was the Hiruno matriarch who really sold that these were the absolute last people you wanted to mess with. She seemed to be the polar opposite of Don Accino: a midget who was only over 3 feet tall, rail thin, and clothed from head to toe in a parka of steel-blue wool, whose hood was stretched over the twin buns her lilac hair was tucked into. Her face was wrinkled like old leather, and the light smile she had on despite her pinched expression was utterly belied by the way she seemed to make me shiver just by looking at her. Overall? Cold was the best, if not only way to describe her.

    Which was even more fitting, seeing as when she opened her mouth and spoke, she didn't so much 'speak' as she just flat-out breathed. "It's been awhile, Fatso."

    Don Accino responded by locking his jaw, presumably to keep from biting clean through his cigar, though for whatever reason he didn't spike the temperature. "Midg—!" he started to rumble before flinching and coughing into his fist. "I mean, Hiuo."

    Hiuo Hiruno's smile quirked up slightly as she swept one of her arms out. "I trust you recall my beautiful grandsons. My eldest, Pavarotto Hiruno."

    I tried to turn my attention to the apparently musical bounty hunter, but the process was made a bit difficult due to the fact that he wasn't standing where I'd last seen him. Rather, he was…

    "For the love of God…" I facepalmed in an effort to escape the sight of the smarmy ass kneeling before and holding the hand of an obviously disgusted Arbell.

    "Ah, my star-crossed muse," he said, his voice high-pitched and reedy in that way that makes you want to punch whoever it's attached to. "I am so glad to see you again! Once this is over, I shall compose my greatest work, and spread the tale of our love across all the Blues!"

    "How… nice…" Arbell bit out, only just managing to bite back her obvious bile in the process. "But as I've already told you countless times, Pavarotto… I'm already spreading the tale of my love across the Blues—!"

    "With me," Salchow snarled, shoving himself between his wife and her… I'll be unduly polite and term him 'admirer'.

    Said politeness became even more undue when Pavarotto blankly looked at Salchow for a moment before leaning around him to give Arbell a bemused look. "Still?"

    "WELL," Soundbite whistled as Hockera and Brindo restrained a snarling Salchow. "THAT EXPLAINS the hate-on."

    "Eeyup," I sighed. "Oh, this is gonna be fun…"

    "And, of course," Hiuo breezed on, entirely ignoring the exchange as she waved at the kid standing at her other side, causing him to flinch fearfully. "My youngest and one of the…" I swear I heard her skin crack as she twisted her mouth into a smile. "Guests of honor, Burrato."

    "Uh, a-a-ah…" Burrato swallowed heavily as he stared up at Don Accino's unilaterally massive form and met his impassive gaze, and he shakily raised his hand in an attempt to wave.

    "S-S-Satisfacto-oh-no-no-no-I-I-I-mean-Salisbu-t-t-that-is-to-say-Salut-tatio—"

    Hiuo's expression didn't even shift an inch as she rammed her heel into her grandson's shin.

    It was… a bit disturbing that all the poor bastard did was flinch. "Uh, G-G-Greetings."

    Accino scowled, though whether it was at the Hiruno Matriarch's display or the Hiruno Matriarch period I couldn't tell you.

    Ignoring said scowl, Hiuo… I think she swept her gaze side-to-side, going by how her head tilted, but it was hard to say with how her eyes were pinched shut. "So, do tell me, where is your contribution to this arrangement of ours, hm? I don't see her anywhere, and I'd very much like to pinch my cute little granddaughter-in-law."

    "Doesn't she mean pinch her—?" Soundbite asked nervously.

    "I doubt it…" I muttered back.

    "Lil is in the back," Accino growled as he huffed out a dark cloud of smoke. "And will remain there until the ceremony, as per tradition. For now, I suggest you try and remain patient until the preparations are finished."

    "Which I assure you will be within the hour!" Vivi promised as she stepped up with a surprisingly genuine-looking smile. "It's my honor to make the acquaintance of the esteemed matriarch of the Hiruno family. I'm not sure if you recognize me, but—!"

    "Oh, no, no, my dear, I assure you, I recognize you perfectly well," Hiuo simpered as she slowly reached her hand out. "Princess Nefertari Vivi, correct?"

    Vivi allowed herself to relax marginally as she reached her hand out. Shockingly, Accino actually tensed at that.

    "Princess, don't!" he started to protest.

    Vivi looked up at him in confusion. "Wha—?"

    "Worth… ฿80 Million, I believe?"

    CRACK!

    "YEARGH!" Vivi screamed, falling to her knees as she clawed at her suddenly blackened and corpse-like shoulder.

    "Your head, that is," Hiuo Hiruno hissed, steam rising up from her point of contact with Vivi's hand as well as the hag's arm, which looked almost frosted over.

    "VIVI!" I shouted, sprinting towards her.

    "WAAAACK!" Carue howled as he suddenly appeared nearby, dropping from a Shave in favor of charging at the damnable witch. With every intention of doing the same, I reached into my jacket, and promptly swore as I recalled that my baton was long gone, and Funkfreed was still across the room at the gift table.

    However, going by the way Pavarotto glanced at the duck and flicked his baton at him dismissively, that was probably a good thing for me. "Allegro."

    SKRANG!

    "QUACK!"

    I was promptly proven right when three of Pavarotto's quartet suddenly surrounded Carue, bows drawn and at his neck. Violin bows, mind you, complete with full-sized violins and cellos of increasing size that I'd bet my greaves were all made of stupidly tough and, in the case of the bows proper, stupidly sharp metal. Honestly, they just proved I probably wouldn't have been able to do much anyway.

    "LOOK OUT!"

    SKRANG!

    "Sonnuva!" I flinched back fearfully as the fourth bastard mirrored his cohorts' actions on me. Right, really couldn't have done much.

    "Note to self: find a way to remotely GASTRO-BLAST WAX," Soundbite hissed murderously.

    "Hell, figure out how to Gastro-Blast remotely period and I'll give you enough lettuce to fill a hammock," I hissed back.

    "Silence."

    THWACK!

    "HURGH!" I folded around the fist buried in my gut, breath wheezing out of me, and I was vaguely aware of Pavarotto strolling over to leer down at me.

    "Impressive, aren't they?" he chuckled, condescension dripping from every syllable. "I acquired them from some… associates of ours, shall we say? In the North Blue. Indeed, my String Quartet's speed and fencing skills are rivaled only by their musical capabilities." His sneer widened as he started running his fingers tenderly over his baton. "Did you know that a good interrogation with a symphony in the background has the added effect of traumatizing the worms in question so that they can never listen to that piece of music again? Ah, to play the same piece again later on and watch them squirm…"

    "Ah, b-b-brother!" Burrato attempted to protest, sidling up and laying his hand an inch above his brother's arm. "T-T-There really is no n-n-need for such r-r-repetiti-a-a-ah I m-mean s-such r-r-revoluti-uh, t-t-that is to say—!"

    Pavarotto didn't even look up from his baton as he offhandedly thwacked the back of his brother's head.

    "—y-yes, brother…" Burrato flinched as he lapsed into silence.

    Following that, there was a tense moment as everyone eyed one another warily, broken only by the quiet groans of pain that seeped through Vivi's clenched teeth…

    "Tsurarararara…"

    And ultimately, Hiuo's malicious chuckling. "You should really learn to keep your pets on a better leash, Fatso," she breathed, her voice reminiscent of some unearthly wraith. "Otherwise, they might give my tender skin a scratch when we turn in their hides for the rewards. And seeing as we wouldn't want that…"

    I am not ashamed to admit that I was deeply disturbed by the way the old hag's wrinkled, ancient visage morphed into a mask of icy creases with three gaping holes where her eyes and mouth should have been.

    "Maybe I should just do us all a favor and neuter them wholesale…"

    My heart all but stopped when she lifted her hand at Vivi's face, though that could have also been on account of the surrounding temperatures plummeting to sub-freaking zero.

    "Starting with—"

    "ENOUGH."

    Madam Hiruno snapped her hand back with a practically vampiric hiss as the ambient temperature suddenly spiked to several dozen degrees above average, causing trails of steam to waft up from her body.

    Accino was steaming as well as he glared down at the frigid witch, only he did so with righteous wrath. "Out," he spat. "Now. Before I melt you into a puddle."

    The hag stared back at the Don with an unreadable look before chuckling and shaking her head. Allowing her frost to disappear, she turned away, unperturbed by the glares from the Accinos and us. "Seeing as the merchandise is at least semi-secure, we shall leave them in your hands until the ceremony. We shall wait on our ship in the meantime. Come along, everyone." She waved her hand casually as she started shuffling out. "Let us leave the Accinos to, how shall I put it… play at bounty hunting."

    The stringfellows lowered their bows as Pavarotto flicked his baton at them, allowing Carue to dash over to Vivi and start to comfort her as the soldiers followed their leaders.

    Burrato watched his grandmother fearfully for a moment before hastily dropping into a bow, directed at the Don himself. "M-M-My s-s-syndic-a-ah, m-my s-s-silli-e-e-eh… m-m-my sincerest—erk!" His speech cut off as the passing Pavarotto grabbed his collar and started to bodily drag him down the aisle. The youngest Hiruno eyed his elder sibling hesitantly before settling for a meek wave at the Accinos.

    The very second that the door closed behind them, Don Accino knelt next to Vivi and grabbed her blackened arm.

    "Hold still," he grunted disdainfully.

    "W-What are you—AGH!" Vivi hissed in pain when a blast of steam shot up from her limb.

    "You sonnuva—!" Carue started to squawk before Accino pinned him with a heated glare.

    "Unless you want her to lose that arm," he snarled. "Shut the hell up and let me fix what that blasted shrimp did."

    "And what the hell did she do!?" I demanded indignantly. "Vivi's arm looks like it came out of a ten-round match against Jack-freaking-Frost!"

    The surrounding temperature increased, and the man turned a bit redder. But as he refocused his attention on Vivi's arm, the effects diminished slightly. "You're not far off of the mark," he grumbled at last.

    "M-Mister Accino?" Vivi managed to groan out as her fingers slowly regained their previous color, which began to spread up the rest of the limb.

    "What, you think I hate her for shits and giggles?" the 10,000 Degree Man growled darkly. "The midget's literally my polar opposite, not just in body, but in abilities. Consider yourself grateful for my aid; if it weren't for my Hot-Hot Fruit, your arm would have fallen off from the Cold-Cold Fruit's frostbite before your doctor could even think about boiling water."

    "…I speak for all of us when I say we appreciate that, Don," I said slowly, shivering for a reason entirely separate from any lingering temperature the Hirunos might have left in their wake. "But why would she—?"

    "Because the Hirunos are all sadistic to the core, and they love to see their prey suffer," Brindo snorted. "You know that our modus operandi is gathering pirates and treating them so that they're docile when the Marines get ahold of them. They're delusionally happy, but happy nonetheless."

    "Whereas they," Campacino continued, shaking his head in disgust. "They hand over little more than corpses with heartbeats. They sneak aboard the ships of pirates upon the sea under the cover of night, destroy the lines, steering, and any navigational equipment, and then leave them adrift. Then when dawn comes, they have trained birds circle the ship carrying mirrors to direct sunlight at them, cooking the poor bastards in their own beds."

    "And just to be really mean," Hockera finished grimly, jabbing his thumb at the doors. "The entire time, that damn gaol ship of theirs is looming on the horizon, just out of firing range but always just in sight. We might gloat sometimes, but that's just bad sportsmanship right there."

    I stared at the Accinos in horror before glaring at the yet-silent Don. "And you want your daughter to marry into that family of… of—!"

    "'Want'!? Not on your life!" Accino barked viciously, the temperature abruptly spiking as the air around him started to waver. "But I need this marriage! The Hirunos are vicious bastards who never miss an opportunity to steal from or harass my family, attacking my men, raiding Lovely Land for our pacified bounties! And with you pirates becoming stronger and stronger, we can't afford that kind of interference! That's—!"

    "Ah, M-Mister Accino!" Vivi hissed, flinching away from him as his rising temperature started to burn her newly rejuvenated arm.

    The Don glanced at her before straightening himself up with a hard snort, his anger hanging around him like a haze. Actually, wait, no, that was a proper heat haze rising around him. "Cooperation," he growled as he loomed menacingly, scorching holes in the carpet at his feet. "Or extermination. Our only options. Should the ceremony go as planned, I'll let you all go as wild on the Hirunos as you want before you get the hell out of here. Now get back to work so that we can go down the path where we all live."

    And with that, he stormed away. I took a couple of seconds to force down my newfound empathy for the Accinos and hatred for the Hirunos before I moved over to Vivi's side. "Are you alright, Vivi?"

    The princess blinked at me, then looked down at her arm, grimacing uncomfortably as she flexed her joints. "Mmph… it's numb and I've got pins and needles up my arm, but I think that any lasting damage has been undone. I'll check with Chopper before I get back to supervising things…" She looked back up, her eyes glinting. "But before that, we've got one more thing to do."

    I followed her line of sight and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I get you. C'mon, let's—!"

    "Uh, wait real quick. Blue twin? Quick question," Soundbite asked uneasily as he glanced upwards. "THOSE TRAINED BIRDS THE HIRUNOS USE… THEY WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE VULTURES, would they?"

    Both twins blinked. "Actually, yes. Their natural ominousness only underlines their menace, and they get their pickings of any bountiless cadavers the Marines don't want. Why do you ask?"

    "…NO REASON. Hey, Cross, just humor me, would you? Take two… three steps back?"

    I promptly did so, hauling Vivi with me…

    CRASH!

    Just as a light fixture landed where I had been standing two seconds prior. A quick glance up revealed what I really should have expected: two vultures sitting upon the rafters, staring at me with… wait, why did those goggles and the sheer apathy they provided look familiar?

    … ah, shit.

    "…I take it you're acquaintances of Miss Friday?" I managed.

    "First cousins," one of the birds droned back.

    "But don't worry," the other picked up, voice just as flat. "This isn't personal, we just enjoy killing pirates as a matter of principle."

    "BULLSHIT ON THE PERSONAL PART, TRUTH ON THE SADIST PART," Soundbite deadpanned.

    "Buzz off, buzzards," Hockera snarled, juggling a puck on his stick. "If anything wrecks this wedding, Papa and your boss are going to be furious."

    "Oh?" One of the vultures tilted its head to the side just so. "You mean like you brats are planning?"

    The Accino children and Vivi stiffened, but the other vulture waved its wing dismissively.

    "Feh, don't worry," it scoffed. "We won't spill anything. After all, what with the chaos you're planning on raising, we'll have our free pickings of Cross's brains—" The other vulture jabbed its wing's elbow into its compatriot's side. "I mean, we'll have our free pickings of pirate brains."

    "Have fun raising hell," the first vulture saluted casually, and with that the pair flapped up and away into the shadows of the rafters.

    We all stared up after them before Vivi coughed heavily and pulled herself up to her feet. "A-Anyway… Carue. Get back to the gifts, this shouldn't take long."

    Carue nodded hesitantly. "Good wuck, Vivi."

    "And where do you think you two are going?" Arbell asked as I followed after Vivi. I paused and looked back at her.

    "We're going to save your collective rear ends. Are you going to stop us?" I drawled.

    She opened her mouth. Then she hesitated. Then she looked away.

    "…no," she said at last.

    "I didn't think so."

    And with that, we both began powerwalking down the hallway, until we came to a small shrine for the Virgin Mary where Don Accino was attempting to keep his calm. A feat that was clearly made difficult by our intrusion, based on the fact that the nearest candles flared three times hotter.

    "What is it?" he growled, not even deigning to look back at us.

    Soundbite and I cast uneasy glances at Vivi, but she didn't even flinch at the attention.

    "You mentioned earlier that you were going to attempt to 'get hammered', but when you came out to greet the Hirunos, you were stone cold sober." She said it as a statement, rather than a question.

    Don Accino started to turn his head…

    "You accomplished that by flaring your temperature and boiling all of the alcohol from your body."

    And promptly went ramrod still.

    Vivi wasn't even close to finished. "The reason you always go shirtless is that your sweat flash-boils on contact with your skin, and if you wore a shirt, either the moisture would weigh you down or the steam from your collar would cause you to asphyxiate. And when you're alone with your children, you always find your temperature automatically regulating itself to the approximate heat of a campfire: warm and comforting, so that they feel safe."

    The Don slowly lumbered around to stare at us, his expression and temperature flickering between hesitant uncertainty and outrage. "How," he growled out furiously.

    Vivi, however, met his stare head on. "Don Accino, earlier you said that you're only going through with this wedding because you don't see any other choice to provide for your family's well-being and maintain your bounty-hunting career, with the increasing strength of pirates and the Hirunos harassing you at every turn." She placed her hand on her chest. "I can give you that choice."

    The heat dimmed slightly as Accino's anger faded to something of a flat look. "I hope that you don't intend to offer me a position on your crew."

    "Trust me, that idea appeals as little to us as it does to you," I stated with a flat look of my own. "But no, this isn't Straw Hat business." I swept my arm out to indicate Vivi. "It's Alabastan business."

    Vivi crossed her arms, eyes filled with determination and gaze locked with the Don. "Given the severance of ties with the World Government, the Kingdom of Alabasta still recognizes me as its princess. And with the authority of that title, I would like to offer you the country's highest honor and authority outside of the royal family itself: that of one of the country's Royal Guardians."

    Don Accino's eyebrows rose, his anger fading completely in favor of curiosity. "In spite of me not being a Zoan like your current two Guardians?"

    That actually got a blink from me. "Wait, how—?"

    "Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon, worth ฿50 and ฿55 Million respectively," Accino deadpanned.

    "…Right," I coughed into my fist.

    Vivi, who I guess had been keeping up with the news of her country more than me, just smiled as she shook her head in denial. "I'm offering the position because you're not a Zoan. You see, the reason I know so much about the finer mechanics of the Hot-Hot Fruit is that in my country, it has another name: the Rage of Alabasta. Your powers are one of my kingdom's national treasures, right alongside Chaka and Pell's…" Her smile twitched slightly as her hand clenched into a murderous grip. "And Crocodile's."

    Even behind his sunglasses I could see when Accino blinked in surprise before slowly looking down at his hands. "My powers… are that significant?"

    "I can name no fewer than seven instances where your powers have saved my nation and its people, and those were just the instances where its user acted alone," Vivi confirmed with a wistful smile, before shifting to solemn.

    "The Rage was lost to us several centuries ago, when it was stolen by pirates and taken out to sea. And now that I've finally found it again…" Vivi reached into her pocket, withdrew a familiar-looking hourglass-shaped object and held it out to the Don. "I've kept two Eternal Poses to Alabasta with me as a reminder of my home. If you would be willing to travel to and live in Alabasta, I would entrust this one to you so that you could make the voyage. Now more than ever, my father would be grateful beyond measure for your return, and he would be willing to offer you and your family lodgings in the royal palace and all of the luxuries afforded of it. As one of the country's guardians, you would be loved and respected by everyone in the kingdom, and you would have no shortage of fights to preserve your lifestyle, especially in these trying times. Your powers will be at their absolute strongest in the desert, both day and night, and you would have access to all records of past users, to understand the full extent of your abilities."

    "And if you're worried about your collection, don't be," I piped up. "Not only will there always be pirates utterly stupid enough to try attacking Alabasta, but with the Marines as your enemy, you'll be able to double your collection. Marine flags might be uniform, but you gotta admit, there's gotta be something appealing about the idea of collecting the coats of officers, no?"

    Accino's lips quirked upwards in a brief smirk, then his expression shifted back to neutral.

    "I will admit, the offer is very appealing," the Don admitted. "But aside from your knowledge of my powers, however admittedly in-depth… how am I to be sure that you're not simply fabricating everything else, trying to save yourself?"

    "If I may?" I piped up, then powered on before Vivi could open her mouth. "You said yourself that you've been listening to the SBS since the first day with almost religious fervor, right? Well, based on that, answer this: would Vivi, almost universally loved in her home nation Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, lie about this?"

    Vivi's attention returned to the Don, whose expression was quickly fading into serious contemplation. Seeing that, she smiled, and tucked the pose back into her pocket.

    "I'll give you the time you need to think about it. In the meantime, however, we'll continue on the deal we've already made."

    She bowed, then began walking back out of the room, and I followed behind her.

    "Well, I'd say that went as well as it could have," I cheerfully observed.

    "Agreed," Vivi nodded thoughtfully. "Given the drastic change in lifestyle, I wouldn't expect him to accept right away, but given the… alternative…" She shivered, then shook her head. "Either way, though, until he accepts, we need to keep the plans going, if only so that the Hirunos don't suspect anything."

    I nodded in agreement, and with that, she raised her monocle to her eye and—

    I snapped my hand to my back pocket, and paled when I found the damned piece of glass to be absent. "Ohh, shite." I only had enough time to realize just how utterly I was screwed before she snapped her gaze back to me and practically pinned me like a bug.

    "So, the next orders of business. Cross, I am going to the kitchen both to tell Sanji to start laying out what food he's finished preparing and to have Chopper look over my arm. You go find Nami, and tell her to recruit Arbell if she's willing so that we can all have appropriate attire for this event. I'll send Chopper to help if he's available, but whatever happens, I won't have us looking like we walked in off the streets. And finally…" She leaned in to snarl in Soundbite's face. "Find. Luffy."

    "I-I-I've been trying!" he whimpered fearfully. "BUT I CAN'T HEAR him anywhere! It's like HE'S PULLED A ZORO, OR A NAMI!" He then glanced away and muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Or a you."

    "What was that?"

    "YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE!" Soundbite sang.

    "Less using your eyes, more using your damn ears," Vivi ordered irritably. "And don't you stop until you find that rubber monkey! Am I clear!?"

    "Crystal," I managed to sigh rather than bite out.

    Nodding, Vivi swept past me and out of the room. As soon as she was out of earshot, I looked at my partner, and pitched my voice low enough that even I couldn't hear it, while at the same time minimizing the movement of my lips.

    "Alright, real first things first: keep an eye on that Burrato fellow. I might pity the hell out of him, but the last thing we need is for him to pull a runner…" I coughed a chuckle into my fist as a thought occurred to me. "Or worse, for him to accidentally slap the ring on a corpse."

    "Not a fan of Tim Burton?"

    "Oh, no, I am." I shuddered dramatically. "I'm just not a fan of the idea of running through his works twice in a row."

    "…I dunno if that sounds FUN OR TERRIFYING."

    "The answer, as it should ever be, is yes. Anyway…" My gaze hardened. "Connect me to Conis."

    Soundbite promptly cut his laughter off in favor of our gunner's curious gaze. "Cross? What's wrong? We just saw the Hirunos leave, is everything alright?"

    "Well, that depends," I borderline snarled. "Do we have any explosives that can be easily and quickly remotely detonated?"

    "Uh… yeah, Usopp, Chopper and I came up with the idea a while back, and we've got a dozen or two working prototypes in Sunny's hold, and… we think that the detonator we worked up with what Soundbite told us about radio waves should work. Why do you ask?"

    I turned a glare in the general direction of the object of my ire. "Because Madam Hiruno decided to try and rot Vivi's arm off with frostbite for shits and giggles."

    Conis was pointedly silent for a second before slowly glancing to the side. "So, I'll just go ahead and tell Boss and his students to line their ship's keel, then?"

    "Yeah, you go do that," I agreed, moving to chop my hand across my throat before a thought occurred to me. "Oh, and if the penguins try to stop them, tell them the order came from Arbell. It's technically true anyways."

    "Will do," she nodded, and with that the connection was dropped.

    My partner grinned wickedly as I turned around. Then I paused, and spoke again as I started walking, this time not bothering to be quiet. "One more thing: pass on a message to the TDWS…"

    As I walked and talked, I worked to suppress a sadistic grin from spreading across my face. This whole thing was shaping up to be one hell of a blowout.

    The only potential major hurdle I could think of would be staying out of that Cold-Cold witch's way, but c'mon, how hard could that be?

    ~o~​

    I really, really needed to hold that seminar on taunting Murphy and why not to do it, even if I even had to practice it in my damned thoughts. Of course, that was assuming I made it out of this alive, anyway.

    Which I was sort of concerned about, as evidenced by both Vivi and myself inching backwards away from the demonic incarnation of the seventh damned ring itself. Seriously, Aokiji was more inviting than the ice-laden pint-sized hag who was freezing the ground and advancing on us at the same rate we were scrambling back from her.

    "I'm going to take my time with your crew," Madam Hiruno hissed. "I've been slow with many in the past, but you… for this insult, I swear that you will be special. I'm going to kill you. All of you. One by one, slowly enough that your blood will have long congealed before you die of starvation and start to—!"

    "WHAT'S WRONG, KERATIN ASS!? IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUR AIM IS AS BAD AS YOUR STUDENTS!"

    "SUCK AN EGG, LEAD WING!" SLAM!

    In spite of ourselves, all three of us glanced to the side, where Boss and Skipper had apparently gotten into a brawl. Which seemed to have resulted in the floor caving beneath Boss' strength as he slammed his rope-dart down onto the spot where Skipper had been standing on the Franky-grade food table moments earlier. Which seemed to have turned it into a seesaw, sending the cauldron of 'punch' (or, as I preferred to more accurately call it, freshly cooked lava) flying up and up and up, and then it started falling. Upside-down. Right towards us.

    "MOVE, DIPSHITS!"

    Thanks to Soundbite's ear-rending interjection, Vivi and I managed half-scramble, half-leap away from the cauldron's point of impact. Hiuo Hiruno, however, rooted to the floor as she was by her layering of ice, did not.

    Point of fact? She was the point of impact, the cauldron slamming down on exactly the spot she was standing through some insane twist of fate and utterly engulfing her in its unholy liquids.

    There was a singular, brief moment of silence, even in the roaring madness of the church-encompassing brawl, and then…

    "YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the witch's screech of unholy agony all but rent the air. "IT BURNS! IT BUUURNS! THE AGONY, THE AAAGONY! I'M MELTING! MEEEEELTIIIIING!"

    Soundbite winced at the screams before snickering. "I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING!"

    The little imp's tar (or 'punch', either or) black humor kickstarted my mind back into action, allowing me to grin maniacally as I turned my gaze to the nearest combatant and raised a finger. "Check, please!"

    "YOU!"

    "Oi, this guy…" Soundbite and I chorused under our breaths, glancing up at Pavarotto. The Hirunos' conductor, much like the rest of the Hirunos, honestly, had seen much better days. His dignified sliminess had been reduced to pathetic shreds under an earlier onslaught that had left him with tattered, stained, burned clothes and livid red blistered skin everywhere else.

    In hindsight? I think that the raging shiner I gave him right when shit hit the fan might have been overkill.

    "You… You raging bastards…" Pavarotto huffed and wheezed breathlessly. "When I'm… through with you…" He shakily raised what was left of his baton at us. "You're not going to be fit… for mince—!"

    "SHUT IT!"

    THWACK!

    "Ooooh…" Soundbite and I winced sympathetically as a haymaker from Vivi laid the conductor out flat. Yeah, if he wasn't fit to be swallowing teeth before—?

    Vivi snorted fiercely as she glared at the downed bounty hunter. "Right, that's him dealt with…" She snapped her furious gaze back to me. "Now as for you."

    I took a second to process that before adopting a deadpan. "Really? You really want to do this again? Here? Now!?"

    The flat look on her face answered that question clearly enough, prompting me to roll my eyes. And then we rammed our foreheads together and started spitting fire in one another's faces.

    "If it wasn't for your freaking obsessive—!"

    "It's your fault with all the sabotage you—!"

    "You outright said before we started this shitfest that it wouldn't go—!"

    "And how much of that was by design instead of—!"

    "It's your fault, Vivi!"

    "No, it's your fault, Cross!"

    "NO, IT'S—wait a second," I interrupted myself, drawing back and cupping my chin with a contemplative frown. "When I really think back about it, while this chaos isn't my fault—!"

    Vivi hissed in a furious breath.

    "It's not like it's really yours, either!"

    That got a blink of surprise from Vivi, and she was silent for a second before she rolled her fingers.

    "Look, in the end?" I spread my hands helplessly. "No matter how you cut it, all you did was set up the cards, and given the context you gave me, I can't really find it in me to blame you for that."

    Vivi matched my frown, cupping her chin as well. "And… honestly, all you did was capitalize on the chaos once everyone started yelling, right… But, wait, if it's not your fault, and it's not mine…"

    "MOVE IT, YOU TWO!" Zoro barked as he jogged past us with Luffy balanced on his shoulder.

    "MMMPH! MMMPH!" Luffy hollered, struggling against the length of rope that he'd been hogtied into.

    She watched them both with a heavy sweatdrop. "And it's definitely not Luffy's, seeing as I personally cut that train of nonsense off at the pass…"

    "Then the fault goes to whoever CAUSED THIS WHOLE HULLABALOO IN THE FIRST PLACE. As I recall, the exact KICKOFF WAS…?" Soundbite trailed off uncertainly.

    "Oh, yeah, most definitely, we can't argue that," I nodded in agreement, surreptitiously ducking a plate that had thrown at my head in the same movement.

    "But that was only the exact event!" Vivi protested. "And I don't see how that could have happened without some kind of involvement from our crew! So the real question is, who—?"

    "If you're both quite finished?"

    "GAH!"/"SONNUVA!"

    Vivi and I both jumped in shock on account of the ex-assassin who'd just popped up next to us.

    "Freaking hell, Robin!" I snarled in her way too calm face. "Wear a damn bell, would you!?"

    "If you must insist on maintaining your habit of sneaking up on people and giving them heart attacks, can you limit it to non-life-or-death situations?" Vivi agreed waspishly.

    "I'll take that into consideration," Robin chuckled before casting a wary glance at the ongoing brawl. "But in all seriousness, I think they're starting to break out the guns, so we should really—!"

    "SON OF A FEATHER-RAT!"

    I jumped at Soundbite's sudden holler and shot a glare at him. "What the hell, slimeball?! I know you've always been slow, but this is a new—!"

    "NOT THAT, DILLWEED!" Soundbite roared back. "I JUST REMEMBERED! I KNOW WHAT KICKED THIS WHOLE SHITFEST INTO MOTION!"

    ~o~

    -30 MINUTES REMAINING-    ​

    "Um, excuse me?"

    Robin looked up from the book she was reading, her eyes looking around curiously…

    "Down here!"

    Her attention was drawn downward to a lone penguin standing at her feet and waving at her.

    "Hello!" the penguin pleasantly greeted her.

    "Ah, hello there." She shut her book and smiled politely. "Private, was it? Am I needed outside?"

    "Ah, nonono, we've got everything handled out there, no need to bother yourself!" the penguin smiled pleasantly before looking down sadly. "I'm, ah… I'm here to ask something of a personal favor from you. You seem like a… nice enough person, I suppose, and you're not doing anything, so I was hoping… would you mind going into the back and having a quick talk with Lil?"

    Robin raised an eyebrow. "You mean the youngest Accino, who's meant to be the bride of this event?"

    "Ah… yeah, her…" Private scratched the back of his head, not looking Robin in the eye. "You see, nobody in the family is with her right now, and… well, considering that we penguins can't usually talk, she often uses us to vent and all that and, well, ah…" He shrugged helplessly. "Well, we're penguins. There's only so much we can do, but we… well, I, everyone else is a bit busy… I think it would really help if she had, I dunno, someone to talk to who could talk back. So…" The cute penguin grinned uncertainly. "If you wouldn't mind—?"

    "There you are, Private!"

    "GRK!" The penguin fearfully snapped to attention when Skipper's voice suddenly piped up, the lead penguin sliding up to his subordinate. "A-Ah, h-hey, Skipper! Sorry about disappearing like that, I-I was just, ah…"

    "Ooooh, say no more, Private, I know exactly what you're doing here!" Skipper waved him off before snapping a glare at Robin. "You're here because of her."

    "…eh?" Private blinked in confusion, while Robin merely cocked her other eyebrow.

    "Worry not, Private, I know exactly how these things go! This menacing succubus—" He snapped his wing up at Robin. "Was trying to use her feminine wiles to trick you, poor, innocent Private, into bailing on us and joining that travelling troupe of trouser-less troubadours that passes by every few months! You know the ladies love us Fierce Penguins, and someone as cute and cuddly as you would fetch a lot of money showing off the physique I sculpted!"

    Robin did not bother responding; she had enough experience with that magnitude of paranoia to know that the only reliable options were ignoring them if they weren't a threat or killing them if they were. And though she'd done a lot of dishonorable things over the years, she liked to imagine that she was above animal cruelty. At least when Soundbite wasn't involved, at any rate.

    "S-S-Skipper, I'm fine, I was just—MMPH?!"

    "Shhhh sh sh sh, Private," Skipper said soothingly, a wing clamped over the rookie's beak. "I know that your poor, innocent brain must be reeling from the sheer betrayal I've uncovered, but I swear, no matter how many years of grueling, intensive therapy it takes, I will see you set straight again! Let's get started! Rico!"

    "MMPH!?" Private squawked fearfully when his wild-eyed comrade suddenly popped up next to him with a manic grin.

    "Yah-huh?" the psycho-penguin squawked curiously.

    "Take Private down to Kowalski and give him an 'Enies Double-Down', stat!"

    "Gatcha!" Rico nodded eagerly, hoisting his comrade above his head and waddling away.

    "HAAALP!" Private squawked as he fearfully and futilely flailed his wings.

    Skipper nodded before snapping a glare at Robin. "And as for you." He maintained eye contact for a few minutes, and then snapped his flippers from the sides of his eyes to her. He repeated the motion a few times before finally sliding away on his stomach.

    "…I will never not be amazed, will I…" the archaeologist sighed. Nevertheless, seeing as she'd already brushed up on her musical skills, it wasn't as though she had anything better to do, and as such it wasn't that hard of a choice for her to shut her book and head towards the bridal chamber.

    As she was about to enter the room, however, she paused at quiet sound reaching her ears, one that she recognized immediately. She promptly rapped her knuckles on the door. "Hello, Miss Lil? Is everything alright?"

    The sound immediately cut off, and a few seconds later the door cracked open, allowing Lil to stare apathetically at Robin. "Oh, it's you," she drawled. "What do you—?"

    In her usual procedure, Robin produced an arm inside the doorjamb and used it to shove Lil back, so that she could open the door and slide her way in, shutting the door behind her.

    From there, however, she had to change her tactics a bit. This time, rather than immediately snapping her target's neck, she dropped into a kneeling position and drew Lil into a hug.

    "W-W-What the—?" Lil sputtered in shock.

    "I've had to muffle my own crying enough times that I know what it sounds like," Robin said quietly. "Take it from someone who knows: keeping it all locked away and letting it fester inside isn't a good habit."

    Lil stiffened furiously at the words, before clamping onto Robin and burying her face in her shoulder. All at once, the tears started flowing, and she cried freely. Robin held the young tamer close, simply reassuring her with her physical presence.

    After a few minutes of sobbing, Robin and Lil moved to sit on a couch in the room, with Robin gently rubbing the girl's back as she got her breath back.

    "…Thank you. That helped," she said quietly.

    "I'm glad, but what's wrong that you were crying?" Robin asked.

    Lil let out a scoff filled to the brim with exasperation. "Well, the first part of what's wrong is that you're the very first person to ask me that since Papa came up with this plan in the first place!" She flailed her arms furiously. "Sure, you all know that we don't want to go through with this wedding, that we're only doing it because it's the only choice we have for keeping things safe for us. All of us know that. But despite that, nobody ever asked my damn opinion!"

    Lil leapt off the couch and started pacing furiously, clawing at her hair. "Seriously, I felt like bashing my head against the wall when Papa told your crewmates that it would be, and I quote, 'the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most.' Papa didn't ask me about going through with this before he recruited all of you, and Arbell didn't ask if I didn't want to go through with this before she asked your crew to sabotage the whole thing!"

    "But…" Robin tilted her head to the side curiously. "She's correct, I take it?

    "I DON'T—!" Lil cut herself off, and continued her ranting more quietly. "I don't know. I don't want to be related in any way to the Hirunos. That woman, she's… she's a monster, but…" She lowered her head into her hand, sighing. "I hate the witch. I hate that stuck-up conductor, I hate their vultures, and I hate the rest of her brood. But Burrato… I've met him before. Went to a school with him for a while, before Papa and the witch found out that we were both going there and they leveled the place. Our similar ages are the only reason this whole farce is happening in the first place, but as much as I don't want to get married to the Hirunos…"

    She groaned and trudged back to the couch, sinking into the seat. "The fact is that if we keep fighting each other, if the grudge keeps up, then he could be hurt, or worse. And if I break it off, I know that he'll probably be hurt too, and… and he just doesn't deserve that. So, what do I do?"

    Robin was silent for only a moment before smiling lightly. "So in summary, you're caught between what your family wants and what your groom needs. If I might be honest, it sounds like you've become your own worst enemy."

    Lil shot a despondent glance at her impromptu confidant. "And how's that."

    "Because now you're doing the exact same thing you complained about your family doing." Robin tapped her finger against Lil's forehead. "You're not considering what you want."

    Lil blinked. Then her expression became flat again. "…And what am I supposed to do if I don't know what that is?"

    Robin chuckled softly. "Speaking as someone who has only very recently discovered what I want out of my life? I believe it will make itself clear when the time is right."

    "…that is an unsatisfying, unhelpful answer."

    Robin cocked her head to the side with a kind smile. "There's only one answer to that accusation: Pirate."

    The girl scowled at that answer, but before she could respond, she was interrupted.

    CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

    Lil glanced upward, her expression fearful. "The bells… that means…"

    "Lil?"

    Said girl nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a sudden knock on the room's door, and Arbell's voice came through.

    "Lil, it's just about time for the ceremony. Do you want me to help you put on your dress?"

    "…No. No, I'm old enough, I can handle it myself," Lil replied neutrally, looking at Robin all the while.

    "Well…" Arbell hesitated before sighing reluctantly. "Alright, if you say so. Papa will be here in a couple of minutes to accompany you. I… I'm sorry that things have managed to get this far, but… I don't know why, but I honestly think that the Straw Hats will be able to pull this off."

    Slowly, a smile came over Lil's face to match Robin's. "You know… I think they will too."

    "Heh, glad to hear it. Well, I'll see you on the altar soon, baby sister."

    "Yeah, see you soon!" Lil called out. She then listened intently to the sound of her sister's footsteps leaving before shooting a panicked look at Robin. "I was lying through my teeth, I have no idea how to put that dress on and you have, like, twenty hands and help me!"

    -o-

    -5 MINUTES REMAINING-    ​

    I let out a sigh of relief as I walked next to Vivi, who was slowly sliding her finger down a clipboard as she listed items off.

    "Alright, let's list off. The buffet?"

    I cast a wary glance at the only just not-on-fire table that I could feel heat radiating from. "Inedible for anyone on the face of the planet aside from the Don, Ace, Akainu, and possibly dragons, but complete and looking… halfway presentable." I repressed a shudder as I eyed the big black bubbling cauldron of evi—I mean punch, which was set at the end of the spread. "Though the punch especially is unsalvageable. I have no idea how it's possible to cook something hot enough to melt steel, but I'm fairly certain that Sanji managed it."

    "Mmph," Vivi tsked dismissively. "The decorations?"

    "Lookin' super!" Franky cheered as he struck a pose before the surprisingly fractally ornate decorations he'd set up around the hall. "Complete and reinforced against hot and cold."

    "I think that the paintings I did up there should work too," Usopp nodded as he jabbed his thumb upward. "Though I still couldn't get the twins to agree on a color scheme, so I went with both. Does it look good?"

    "Satisfactory." Vivi gave him an offhanded thumbs-up without even a glance. "The gifts?"

    "Sowted and awwanged as best as we could manage," Carue confirmed, saluting next to the table of wrapped gifts he and Funkfreed were flanking. He then flinched hesitantly as he scratched the back of his head. "Though, ah, thewe's still a bit of an issue. Wemembah that pygmy sperm whale, da one with da tentacles? Well, ah, how ta put dis…"

    "GAH!" Lassoo gasped as he jabbed his ink-stained head out from under the table, panting desperately. "It had… a friend… and it definitely had squid blood… because this pygmy humpback whale… has octopus blood…"

    "Seriously, this is ridiculous," Funkfreed groused as he rooted around under the table with his trunk. "How the hell is that thing even more vicious than the sperm whale!? It has less tentacles, shouldn't the viciousness go down with the number of—YEOW!" he yelped as he snapped his trunk back. "Which one bit me!?"

    "ME, YOU LEATHERY ASSHOLE!" Su yowled. "WATCH WHO YOU GROPE WITH THAT THING, DAMN IT!"

    "Hweehweehwee—huh?" Lassoo's chuckling cut off in favor of a confused glance behind himself before paling. "Nononono—YIPE!" Aaaand with that he was yanked back under the table and the scuffle resumed.

    "…Well, if nothing else, whoever sent those things are certainly getting their money's worth," I remarked.

    "Well, as long as they're not going anywhere for now… alright. The cake?"

    "A genuine masterpiece," I said sincerely, eyeing the ten-tiered pastry. "With any luck, it should serve to tide everyone over if they get hungry."

    "Music?"

    "Robin?" I called over to the organ.

    I was answered by a very familiar tune.

    "Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor, niiiice," Soundbite whistled.

    "Yeah, it's handled," I deadpanned, trying and failing to shake the uneasy feeling that had come over me.

    "Guests?"

    "Nami?" I asked.

    "I can see several ships fast approaching on the horizon now," she informed us, before contorting Soundbite's mouth into a grimace. "But… unless I'm counting wrong? There are about… half as many more on their way here than we originally planned. And I don't think they're here for the cake, either."

    "We'll deal with them if they try anything," Vivi waved her off dismissively. "Moving on. Bride and groom?"

    I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Lil's in the back with her family, the Hirunos are on their ship, waiting for the appropriate time. Accino insisted that we swap who approached the altar, but I don't think it'll be that big of a deal. Ah…" I glanced hesitantly at her. "Right?"

    "Mmm," Vivi waved her hand indifferently, thankfully enough. "Everyone dressed properly?"

    "For the most part," I nodded, accompanied by a tug at the collar of my freshly stitched tux.

    "I'll second that 'for the most part'," Boss grunted, fiddling with the rinky-dink bowtie that he and the rest of his students had been fitted with. "Though I still don't see the point of this damn high-society noose!"

    "Yeah!" Mikey nodded emphatically as he yanked at his own bowtie. "We all go around naked, for Pete's sake!"

    "Oh, I dunno!" Private mused eagerly as he poked his tie. "I think that these make us all look rather dashing, don't they?"

    "Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?" Raphey growled darkly, looking mere moments away from wringing the penguin's neck.

    "No, Private is actually quite right," Kowalski mused, drawing out his abacus and slapping its beads about. "These bowties actually serve to increase our cuteness by a factor of 6.7, our complimentality has matured by a full 105 points, and our suavity has increased by 15.78%."

    "Ah… actually, if I may?" Donny flicked a few of the abacuses beads before grinning. "You forgot to carry the 6."

    Kowalski eyed the results for a second before blinking. "So I did. Make that 16.22%. Thank you for your assistance."

    "Heh, no proble—!"

    THWACK!

    "OW!"

    "No fraternizing with the enemy," Boss ordered.

    "Aww, what's wrong, Bessy?"

    Boss set his jaw as Skipper sidled up to him, sneering all the while.

    "Can't handle your subordinates not doing every little thing you say?" the lead penguin asked. "Because that's where you and I differ! Me, I trust my boys implicitly, to always do what they have to and to never do anything stupid or dangerous! Right, Rico?"

    "Eh?" Rico looked away from the bunch of swords he'd been juggling and hastily hid them behind his back with a too-wide grin. "Ah… yeh yeh yeh!"

    "You monochrome little…" Boss scowled at the penguin.

    "Shell-headed piece of…" Skipper leered right back.

    "No fighting until we're actually done here!" Vivi ordered harshly.

    "YES'M!" The pair snapped into mirrored salutes, though they were still glaring at each other out of the corners of their eyes.

    "Anyway… the last item I can think of would be…" Vivi trailed her finger down the clipboard, adopting a scowl once it came to a halt. "Luffy. Whose location I'm guessing we still don't know?"

    "Huh? What are you talking about? I'm over here!"

    Vivi, Soundbite and I snapped our heads around to the sight of Luffy standing a short distance away, behind the cross-shaped pool, on a chalked-out X and holding a long piece of rope that ran up to the ceiling. Wait, what?

    "Captain?" I asked, trying to ignore the sudden yawning chasm in my gut. "Where exactly have you been?"

    "Shishishi! I've been working on this!" Luffy answered, pointing his finger upward. "See, since I knew that Sanji wasn't going to let me anywhere near the food table—"

    "For the record, you mean the literally hot-as-a-volcano food table," Vivi flatly clarified.

    "Yeah, that one! Anyway, I figured since Sanji and Chopper wouldn't let me near it, I'd have to get it a different way. So, I decided to be smart! I borrowed some of Franky's spare blueprints, and made this biiig contraption that'll bring all the food right over to this X!" Luffy grinned, brushing his sandal across the chalk. "So, all I need to do is yank on this rope, and then—!"

    "I've heard enough," Vivi interrupted. "Luffy, if you'd be so kind, would you mind standing still for a second?"

    "Eh?" Luffy blinked at her in surprise. "Ah… sure thing, Vivi, why do you ask?"

    "So that I can do this!"

    Vivi sped over to Luffy so fast I swear she Shaved, and then… well, if there was any lingering doubt in my mind before that she was a master of rope-like weaponry, the fact that she hogtied Luffy in the small amount of rope that was within reach, in a matter of seconds, removed it.

    "…welp," I drawled, eyeing Luffy's tangled form with a decent amount of awe. "That's certainly one way to put him out of commission."

    "GET ME DOWN FROM HE—MMPH?!"

    Vivi dusted off her hands as she walked back over to me. "Not even he can or will chew through a gag of salt beef. And it's not technically mutiny if he hasn't completed the order."

    "…Note to self: never, ever get involved in a wedding again," I muttered.

    "With our luck? Fat chance."

    "Actually, I think this one is actually a safe bet," I stated; after all, the only other wedding I knew of in the story was the one on Thriller Bark that never was, and wouldn't ever even have a remote chance to be if I had anything to say about it. So, given Oda's stance on romance, once this mess was over, I would never have to deal with a wedding again. And certainly not another arranged wedding made for the sake of a military alliance.

    "BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

    I jumped fearfully as Soundbite suddenly started cackling at the top of his lungs like a lunatic. "Sonnuva—what's so flipping funny!?"

    "I-I-I don't know!" Soundbite wheezed through his laughter. "I-I-IT FEELS LIKE I JUST HUFFED A FULL TANK OF DAMN NITROUS!"

    "Well, whatever's wrong, fix it," Vivi ordered. "And once you have…"

    She took a deep, calming sigh, and turned a determined look on the doors.

    "Tell everyone to get into position. We're starting."

    -o-

    -TIME'S UP-
    ​
    That done, I quickly parked myself at the head of the church, set off from the side of the altar. From there I had an excellent view of the guests filing in, and boy howdy, it was a colorful cast indeed.

    For starters, Nami had been perhaps understating things just a tad. It seemed like every two-bit mercenary, bounty hunter, and Government privateer within a hundred-mile radius was crammed into the pews. And in an impressive display of the sheer influence of the Accino and Hiruno families, they had immediately divided themselves into two very well-armed camps, each taking half the pews.

    The Accino side looked… dignified. Professional. There was a lot of gray hair. These guys were all veterans, their clothes subdued and well-suited for both a wedding and a battle. Weapons, ranging from mundane swords and pistols all the way up to a ten-foot-long katana and a hammer I had glimpsed that had six gun barrels built into its head, were politely stowed but easily within reach. Overall, the image of the bounty hunter the community probably liked to present: distinctive, yet respectable.

    The Hiruno side was more diverse, and far less respectable. Oh, there were some guys that would have fit in on the Accino side if they added some salt to their pepper, but for the most part? They were a bunch of hooligans with weapons, hollering and jeering at the Accino side, waving weapons that were kludged together when they weren't basic crap, and dressed mostly like they'd rolled out of bed after a week-long bender. But the universal theme? Youth. These guys were young, disrespectful upstarts throughout.

    To put it another way, the split mirrored the situation of the main families eerily well. It was almost as though some greater power had planned it all oh I'm going to KILL that omnipotent shitstain one day.

    Speaking of main families, the key Accinos—Lil, Don, and Arbell—were parked at the altar. Don and Lil had looks of intense concentration, brows furrowed, lips pursed, and gazes looking out at nothing. Arbell, meanwhile, merely wore a mask of resigned anticipation, though a good part of that could have been due to Salchow being seated with the rest of the Accinos. Seriously, the bond those two shared was as sickening as it was heartwarming.

    I have to admit, though, Lil's dress looked stunning. It was the usual bright white, and from her neck down to mid-thigh it was covered in rough ridges and surprisingly form-fitting. Below mid-thigh the skirt flared out, and it left her arms bare. A belt of roses completed the dress. The accessories were few but effective: a silver bracelet with a blue gem set in it, and the usual veiled headdress.

    I had barely finished my observations when the doors to the church flew open, Burrato, Hiuo, and Pavarotto striding in like they owned the place. While the latter two looked exactly the same as they had when we first met them, Burrato was dressed in a well-fitted tux, and honestly? He looked pretty good in it. The power of a good tailor, everyone. Sadly, though, no amount of high fashion could serve to wipe away the terrified and twitchy look the poor guy had on his face.

    Anyway, as Burrato started towards the aisle, Robin produced a few extra arms and set about tickling the ivories, filling the air with the dulcet sounds of… of… NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN!?

    "ON IT!" I cut Vivi off before she could say a word, sped along quite a bit by the room flooding with conflicting waves of hot and cold air. As such, it was straight to the organ and grabbing Robin's arms. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?" I hissed incredulously.

    "Playing… music?" she asked, visibly ignorant of what the issue was. "What's wrong? I thought that was an appropriate piece?"

    "An appropriate—!? Haven't you ever been to a wedding before!?" I demanded.

    Robin's look fell flatter than a piece of paper.

    "I mean to assassinate somebody!"

    "Oh." She blinked in surprise. "Well, yes, plenty of times, but usually I was efficient enough to be done before things could actually get underway, and even if both halves of the involved parties were still alive, they never really felt like going through with the ceremony."

    "Grrghghh…" I groaned. Then, shaking my head, I began flipping through the pages of the book until I came to the wedding march. "Just… play this, alright?"

    Robin nodded and started playing again, and I was forced to run right back and jab my finger at the opposite page in the damn book. "The one literally titled Wedding March," I ground out. "Not Hall of the freaking Mountain King!"

    Robin blinked at the sheet music for a moment before smiling sheepishly at me. "Yes, that would make sense, wouldn't it?"

    I could only groan and slap my hand to my face as I started shuffling back towards the altar. "And we are off to a spectacular start…"

    "Why didn't you just have ME play the damn song!?"

    "Two reasons: first, it's more genuine coming from somebody actually playing, rather than from you copying it off the boob-tube—!"

    "HURTFUL!" Soundbite chirped cheerfully.

    "And second!…if we let you do it, then you'd probably play a version composed solely of farts."

    "YEAH, I would…" the evil snail sighed wistfully.

    Finally, Robin started up the appropriate music, and the Hirunos set off down the aisle. Aside from the organ, the church was dead. You could have heard a mote of dust land. Which is probably the only reason I heard an odd knocking sound, like two ceramic tiles being banged together.

    "What is—" I began, only for Soundbite to pre-empt me.

    "Burrato's knees. KNOCKIN' LIKE Marines without a warrant."

    A glance confirmed that yes, Burrato's knees were knocking together like mad. Ah, well. As long as he got up to the altar and stayed standing long enough, it wouldn't matter.

    Despite that, though, that pit in my stomach from earlier had returned full-force, and wasn't going away. I was missing something, clearly, but what? We'd done all the setup, the wedding itself was so far going just fine… what the hell else could we have done?!

    It wasn't until Burrato stepped up to the altar next to Lil that I realized what was going on, and I could feel my eyes popping out. And Don and Vivi, from their bug-eyed, slack-jawed expressions, grasped the problem, too.

    "Where…" Vivi snarled, steadily crushing her clipboard between her hands. "In the name of Osiris' rotting. Blue. Crotch. Is the PRIEST?!" She emphasized the last word by snapping her clipboard in half.

    Okay, I take back what I said earlier: this was dust-drop silence, because she was right. No priest. No priest, no wedding. A mercenary took that moment to come up to Vivi, and whispered in her ear.

    "WHAT IN RA'S NAME DO YOU MEAN 'THE PRIEST IS GONE'?!" Vivi would have roared if Soundbite hadn't had the forethought to slash her volume.

    "W-W-We tried to tell you earlier!" the mercenary stuttered. "Apparently, he thought that your crewmate's epithet of 'D-Devil Child' was literal, and he—!"

    I caught Vivi's arm before she could successfully grab the poor mook's neck. "Run, now," I hissed. Thankfully, the poor bastard had the brains to do just that.

    Vivi wrenched her limb from my grip and threw her hands up in exasperation. "Well, we're going to need a replacement, then."

    She then promptly turned towards ME?! "Take the damn book, get on the altar, and do this thing."

    "Ah-buh-I-you—WHAT THE FUCK?! How the hell am I qualified for this?! I don't have any authority here! In case you forgot, I got these—!" I held up my metal-encased arm and waved it in her face. "Rejecting the existence of God! You should know, seeing as you were there!"

    "The captain of a ship has the authority to marry people," Vivi frigidly informed. "But seeing as he's…"

    "MMMMPH!"

    "Indisposed at the moment, then that privilege goes down the chain of command. I wouldn't put Zoro up there if he was the last man on earth; Nami's a woman and while the church might be liberal it's not that liberal, so that just leaves you."

    "But—!" I tried to protest, but Vivi cut that train of thought off when she grabbed my collar and dragged me in close.

    "So either you go and get on that pillar, OR I WILL PUT YOU OVER IT!"

    I was a wee bit confused by that threat… uuuntil I noticed the fact that my namesake was hanging over the altar, which was my signal to get a damn move on!

    So saying, I hastily ran up the steps to the altar, snatched up the Bible, turned around, and found myself facing a sea of rather unhappy-looking individuals.

    "…Soundbite, think you can feed me the jargon?" I hissed desperately.

    "TOO MANY VARIATIONS! Wrong one and we're screwed!" Soundbite shot back before glancing down at the good book. "ISN'T THAT THING FAMOUS FOR HAVING ALL THE ANSWERS!?"

    "Worth a shot," I conceded, flipping the book open to the table of contents. I knew that this was a one in a million shot, but—wedding vows section!? I was grinning ear to ear as I flipped to the appropriate page. Hell, it looks like I might have been wrong in my beliefs all al—!

    My eye twitched furiously as I found the appropriate page.

    Nope, still right. Maybe back home I could be wrong, but here? Definitely no God. There was definitely a devil though, and one who had my name on speed dial.

    The reason for these blasphemous thoughts? Because apparently, where most people found their strength in the Lord, the previous owner of this book found it in the damn flask he'd managed to stash by cutting out the pages!

    "Soundbite?" I growled as I very slowly closed the book's covers.

    "Yeah?"

    "If we make it out of this alive, remind me to ask you-know-who to make that priest allergic to alcohol."

    "Can do."

    Still, pissed as I was, the fact remained that I was standing in the crosshairs of a damned army of bounty hunters, so either I let something come out of my mouth, or I'd be getting a bullet in my skull.

    Years of sitcoms, don't you dare fail me now!

    "Ah… d-dearly beloved," I started hesitantly. "W-We are gathered here today, with the purpose of joining the scions of these two, uh…" I felt a sweatdrop weigh on my head as I tried to come up with an appropriate description. "Honorable families in blessed matrimony. So, uh… uh…"

    My blood ran both hot and cold as the leaders of the two families glared at me, but no amount of terror could make my mind draw anything but a damn blank. Damn you, years of sitcom, why the hell did you have to fail me now?!

    …fuck it, I was a dead man anyway, might as well ram it in.

    "Do you?" I asked.

    There was a moment of stunned silence as Lil and Burrato exchanged confused looks, and then Lil slowly raised a finger. "Er… what?"

    I sent a miserable glance skyward. "Want to get married?" I groaned.

    Aaaand just like that I felt like I was getting simultaneously burned alive, frozen solid, and stabbed in the back of my head. Son of a bitch, if I wanted to make it out of this alive, I'd need the luck of the Irish!

    Lil's face went blank, her body frozen in its previous position and a myriad of thoughts clearly rushing through her mind. Finally, she bowed her head, the shadows hiding her eyes. "…No."

    I twitched as I tried to process what I'd just heard. "Come again?"

    "I said no." Lil snapped her head up, a fire blazing in her eyes. "No, I don't want to get married!"

    Screw the Irish, I was going to need the luck of the damn devil!

    Especially     seeing as Hiruno and Accino were ramping the temperatures in the room to Ragnarok levels.

    "I suggest that you reconsider your words, you little—!" Hiuo started to hiss murderously.

    "If you lay one hand on my daughter, I swear that you won't leave this building alive if it means I have to go down with you," Don Accino promised. Then he turned to face his daughter, the temperature dropping to marginally more comfortable levels. "And Lil—!"

    "I'm not doing it, Papa!" Lil snapped, shaking her head.

    "Lil," he… not quite pleaded, but still. "Your family needs you to—!"

    "No, you want me to do it for the family, Papa!" she interrupted. "And this entire time, through this entire ordeal, you haven't asked me even once what I wanted! Has it even occurred to you that even if this could help our family, I don't want to get married yet!?"

    "Lil, without this marriage, our family—!" the Don started to protest.

    "I want our family to survive, Papa, I do," Lil reassured him before scowling at Hiuo. "But more than that, I want our family to live. And that's not going to happen if we have to work with a monster who's barely a step above those we hunt!"

    "You little—!" Hiuo started to snarl.

    "BACK. OFF," Accino shot back, looming ominously over the midget.

    "Burrato, what about you?"

    Both of the temperature titans turned their attention back towards their children, as the would-be bride spoke to the would-be groom, who had raised his head in response to Lil's voice.

    "A-A-Ah, I-I-I—!" the poor bastard started to stammer.

    Lil's expression fell flat, and she beckoned him towards her with her finger. "Burrato, you mind leaning down for a second?"

    "Eh? Uh, s-s-sure," Burrato nodded shakily as he did just that. "W-W-Why d-d-do you—?"

    Lil grabbed his cheeks and dragged him close so that she was staring him dead in the eyes. "Burrato!" she ordered. "I am asking you, ordering you if I have to, to pull yourself together! For five minutes! Can you do that? Can you grow a pair for five minutes?"

    Burrato's mouth silently worked as he tried to come up with a response, any response to his bride-to-be, finally screwing his eyes shut. "I… no." He spoke quietly, but with an unmistakable stout foundation. "No. I don't want to get married, either."

    "WHAT," Hiuo grit out.

    "Do shut up, brother!" Pavarotto snarled, shooting his hand into his jacket for his baton. "You obviously don't know what you're—!"

    "No, brother, I do know what I'm saying!" Burrato snapped, wheeling around and jabbing his finger in his sibling's face. "And what I'm saying is that I'm done staying under you and Grandmother's heels! A-All my life I've let you bully me, let you push me around. B-But now…" Burrato glanced back at Lil for a second before returning his glare to his family. "But now I'm done! I'm done being your whipping boy! Heck, I'm done with this entire family! I don't want to be a bounty hunter, and I'm not going to be one!"

    Burrato raised his chin proudly as he thumbed out the edges of his jacket. "I'm going to follow my lifelong dream! I'm going to be…" He jabbed his finger out towards the horizon. "A mortician!"

    My eye twitched in disbelief. "Come again?"

    "Fun fact, you were right on the MONEY EARLIER!" Soundbite chuckled. "HE WAS MAKING A BEELINE FOR THE CRYPT BEFORE I scared him off!"

    I slapped a hand to my face. "Oi vey…"

    "Good for you, Burrato!" Lil exclaimed, clapping him on the back with a somewhat heady smile. "And hey, no matter what happens? Even if we're not going through with this, I still really like you! So… let's promise to always be friends, alright?" She concluded by holding out her pinkie to her counterpart.

    Burrato smiled kindly as he knelt down and hooked his own pinkie around hers. "Friends," he promised.

    Lil nodded happily. She then turned to smile at her sister. "And Arbell, I… honestly, I'm really grateful you tried to get the Straw Hats to sabotage the wedding—!"

    "SH-SH-SH-SHUT IT!" I hissed, desperately jerking my hand across my throat.

    Lil froze, the blood draining from her face as she realized what she was saying. "Ah... w-w-what I meant to say was—!"

    "YOUR BITCH DAUGHTER TRIED TO DO WHAT!?" Madam Hiruno screeched, her voice as strident and chilling as a gale from a blizzard.

    Accino's face went blank, and he nudged Lil over to Arbell. "Sweetie, would you mind watching over your sister for Papa real quick? Two seconds, Papa promises."

    "Uh…" Arbell blinked in confusion as she took ahold of Lil's shoulders. "Of course, Papa, but why—?"

    Aaaaand just like that Accino was tackling Hiuo, his excess of mass taking her clean off the altar. "PREPARE TO BECOME A PUDDLE, FROST MIDGET!"

    "I'LL TURN YOU INTO A GLACIER, YOU BLAZING MAMMOTH!"

    And with that, the two flared their powers, the temperature differences clashing like angry weather fronts, throwing up a massive wave of wind that threw the church into disarray.

    Aaaand of course, both sides of the wedding were starting to gear up and eye one another like lapsed vegetarians eyed fresh meat, because why the hell not?

    …eh, forget it. Time for Plan B… or was it A… C, I think? Screw it, I'm just gonna blow this mother sky high.

    "RIGHT!" I shouted suddenly, gathering as much attention to myself as I could. "With all that said, by the power vested in me by the Jolly Roger of the Straw Hat Pirates!" I flicked my wrist and gripped the makeshift detonator Conis had slipped to me. "I pronounce this wedding fucked!"

    And with that, I clicked the button and...

    Load a nothin'.

    I blinked in confusion, looking the device over before repeatedly hammering the button. Still nothing.

    "Work, you stupid—!"

    "Oscar-worthy performance, Ledger," Soundbite snickered.

    I glared at him as I jabbed the detonator in his face. "Well, if you think you can do better—!"

    CRUNCH! BOOM!

    I blinked stupidly as I processed both the fact that Soundbite had bitten clean through the detonator and that a titanic explosion had shaken the air.

    "…Point to you," I admitted.

    "Heeheeheehohoho!"

    "Aaaand as for you, I just sank your ship! Booyah!" I jabbed my finger in Pavarotto's until-now-stunned face.

    Said face promptly contorted into a mask of rage as he shot his hand to his baton. "Jeremiah Cross, you son of a—!"

    I shoved the Bible I was holding in his face, my armored right hand on the back cover. "The power of Christ compels you!"

    SLAM!

    "GWAH!" Pavarotto reeled in shock as a surprisingly sturdy flask slammed into his face and bowled him over.

    "Also Impact," I chuckled as I waved my hand out before pausing and sniffing at the air. "…and vodka, apparently."

    The room stilled in stunned silence for a moment, broken only by the family heads' continued clash… and that just wouldn't do, would it?

    "Well, what the hell are you all waiting for?!" I demanded. "You were all set to murder each other not five minutes ago! Where'd all that enthusiasm go?!"

    Boss and Skipper eyed each other, and in identical smooth motions ripped off their bowties.

    "Right here," they growled in unison. And with that, they blurred out of sight before colliding in midair, flipper to flipper, accompanied by a visible shockwave of air that flipped wigs and unoccupied pews alike.

    Aaaand that was the official cue for the chaos to start. Weapons were drawn and fired, and I promptly had to duck under a hail of bullets that shredded the top half of the altar.

    "DEATH FROM ABOVE!"

    I glanced up and damn near voided my bowels as I saw that the earlier hail of bullets had reduced the rope holding the big cross above the altar to a few threads. And with my luck?

    The rope snapped the instant I threw myself forward, skidding on the floor of the church and hastily ducking behind a pew as the massive cross smashed into the altar, reducing it to splinters.

    I panted desperately in an effort to get my breath back as I leaned back against just one of the many pews that had been flipped in the chaos. "Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused, casting a glance over my cover at the madness raging a few meters away. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

    ~o~​

    "Ooooh…" Vivi and I chorused in realization, before slamming our fists over Robin's skull. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

    "Ow!" Robin flinched and grabbed at the point of impact, glaring indignantly at us. "What on earth did you do that for!?"

    "You're the one who told Lil to do what she felt like!" Vivi spat.

    "And because of that, the tyke had the bright idea to stand up for herself in front of Momma Hypothermia! I almost got roasted and frozen in the same damn breath!" I added.

    "And that sparked off THIS ENTIRE DAMN POWDERKEG!" Soundbite concurred.

    "IN SUMMARY, THIS IS ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT!"

    "Ah…" Robin flinched, glancing side to side in obvious search of an escape route. "I was merely sharing the advice Cross shared with me with her?"

    "You would have learned that lesson with or without me," I drawled. "Try again."

    "Er…" Robin slowly inched backwards, Vivi and I following her step for step. "We were… aiming to ruin this wedding anyway, so I didn't do anything wrong?"

    "Alright, first off," Vivi huffed, snapping a finger up. "Not only did you ruin my dream wedding—!"

    I promptly slapped the Princess upside the head, an action she didn't even react to.

    "And second—" She raised a second finger. "You caused all of this shit to go down while we were still in the firing line! That ice witch almost froze us solid! What do you have to say about that!?"

    "Ahhh…" Robin held a finger up for a moment before sighing and hanging her head. "My mind's a blank."

    "Both of our chores, on your own," I deadpanned.

    "For a month," Vivi blandly concurred.

    "Grgh…" Robin moaned, dragging her hand down her face.

    "Oi, Robin!"

    All three of us were then broken out of the argument by Zoro's shout.

    "Hurry up and get those three out of there!" the swordsman barked. "Once I cut Luffy down and the love cook breaks up Boss and that penguin, we're gone!"

    For a moment, Vivi and I were silent, and then Soundbite decided to chime in. "Wait… YOU MEAN YOU LET US ARGUE this whole time when WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LEAVING?!"

    "Hardly let," Robin very reasonably pointed out as she massaged the bridge of her nose. "You were all so caught up in your own outrage that I couldn't get a word in edgewise."

    Vivi's mouth twisted, as if she were chewing on something, and then she sent a pleading glance my way, to which I could only shrug. "What? She might have started this mess—!"

    "I get it," Robin said wearily.

    "—but that doesn't mean she's wrong."

    "Let's… let's just go," Vivi groaned, kneading her forehead. "So, how do we clear—"

    "Clutch."

    A chorus of snapping bone sounded out, and Vivi and I poked our heads above the table we'd been huddled behind to see all the combatants in a ten-foot radius lying in pretzels on the deck.

    "That works," I said, before scrambling for the exit, Vivi and Robin hot on my heels. Still, despite the urgency I couldn't help but risk a look back, and so I spotted Zoro attempting to undo the rope Luffy was hanging from—!

    "JUST LIKE ERUMALU, ISN'T IT BESSY?"

    "FIRST OFF, IT'S NOT ERUMALU UNTIL I SHOVE YOUR BEAK THROUGH THE DAMN WALL, AND SECOND, KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE DAMN NICKNAMES!"

    —as well as Boss and Skipper still fighting.

    "You didn't break them up?" I asked as we reached where Sanji was waiting with the TDWS.

    "GO, BOSS, GO!"

    "You kidding me?" Sanji drawled. "I've broken up enough fights on Baratie to I know that that's one I do not want to get involved in."

    "Good luck, Skipper!"/ "Use the San Faldan Gambit! The San Faldan!"/"WOOHOO! HAHAHA!"

    "Fair enou—eh?" I blinked in surprise at the trio of penguins standing amicably next to the TDWS. "Wait, aren't you supposed to hate each other's guts?"

    "Not really," Private shrugged indifferently. "Honestly, I think that Boss and Skipper are the only ones with any real issues with each other."

    "Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement, a wide grin on his face. "Me? Once I get past their general douchiness, these guys are pretty cool!"

    "Right back at you!" Private laughed, exchanging high fives with his shell-wearing counterpart.

    "…huh," I stated intelligently before shrugging and returning my attention to the bloody but ultimately unremarkable brawl between the wedding guests (did I really just say that?). As for the main players, Pavarotto's quartet was surrounding his severely battered form and fending off anyone who came close, on purpose or by accident, though it looks like they'd slipped up a bit because Salchow managed to slip past them and land a People's Elbow on his gut, and Arbell was oooh that's gotta hurt, especially with those high heels she was wearing…

    Anyway, Hockera was over by the buffet table, using the inedible but very hot items upon it to shoot down the vultures that had flown in, Burrato was standing off to one side by Lil, looking as timid as ever but showing exactly why the Hirunos kept him around by laying out anyone who came near with a single punch (and apologizing profusely for each one), and the Hiruno matriarch, last I'd seen her, was still trapped in the cauldron…

    …which was starting to frost over oh shit—!

    "DOWN!" I yelled, throwing myself to the ground and everyone else following my lead.

    And not a second too soon, because as soon as we hit the deck?

    BOOM!

    The cauldron literally exploded in a blast of frigid air and ballistic black shrapnel, revealing a figure somehow even more nightmarish than the one I faced earlier. Not only was the three-holed soulless mask back, there were enough black holes in the midget's form to confuse her for a zombie. One eye even seemed to be melted closed, but the other, shining with raw malice, more than made up for it.

    "SSSSSTRAAAAW HAAAAATSSSSS…" she howled like some kind of banshee, the ambient temperature dropping so hard and so fast that I could feel frost forming on me. "WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU… THE MARINES WILL HAVE TO LITERALLY PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER! PIECE BY FROZEN—!"

    "Heat Whirlwind!"

    That was all the hag was able to get out before a blast of hot air slammed into her and threw her across the room. Don Accino snorted darkly as he eyed the point of impact, and once he was sure she wasn't getting up immediately turned back to us, his temperature holding stable at a relatively reasonable range. Reaching behind him, he pulled out and presented a black bundle.

    "Princess Vivi," he grunted. "In light of recent… events, I think it would be prudent to give your offer sincere consideration." He held up the bundle and shook it slightly. "Care to trade?"

    "Ah, o-of course, Don!" Vivi nodded eagerly, digging out the Eternal Pose she had offered earlier and tossing it to the Don, while the Don tossed the bundle he was holding—!

    "GAH!"

    Right at me, bowling me over with it because damn was he strong. Though, in fairness, it wasn't entirely his fault, seeing as my transceiver was pretty damn heavy. At least our flag had cushioned the blow.

    The Don nodded, pocketing the pose before turning back to where ice and frost were starting to encroach up the church's wall. "Much appreciated, now hurry up and get going. I'm going to settle things with the midget once and for all, the only way I know how. Temperature Up: 10,000 Degrees!" the Don snarled, the ambient temperature soaring with his lobster-red ski.

    "RIGHT, GOING! BOSS!" I yelled.

    "Skipper!" came Lil's yell at the same moment.

    The rivals paused, looked at us, then turned back to each other, and clasped flippers, identical confident grins on their faces.

    "Looks like once again, duty has drawn our duel to a close before I could finish kicking your ass, Bessy," Skipper laughed. "Next time, though? Next time you won't get off that easy!"

    "Heheheh," Boss chuckled, shaking his head wistfully. "I look forward to it, Ski—!… No, you know what? I look forward to it, Skippy. I really look forward to it."

    "HA! Now you've got the idea!" Skipper gave his old enemy a final clap on the shoulder before the two split apart and returned to their respective factions, with the Penguins exchanging a final round of high-fives with our guards before following after their leader.

    "Well, that was fun!" Boss grinned happily. "Can't wait for the next time! C'mon, boys, let's blow this popsicle stand!"

    "AYE-AYE, BOSS!" the TDWS saluted before following him.

    We wasted no more time after that, running through where the double doors used to be into the antechamber and then out to the courtyard, the only part that was still relatively intact. The Thousand Sunny was at the pier, surrounded by the shattered carcass that had once been the Hirunos' ship, and Merry was waving at us from the deck.

    "HURRY UP, LET'S GO!" she called as several ropes extended down towards us. Nothing impeded us from grabbing them and getting back on the deck of our ship, and as Zoro finally cut Luffy out of his restraints and joined us, I took the time to actually take in the state of the vessel we'd just evacuated. The windows were blown out, most of the lights were out, there was a diverse array of holes and fissures in the walls and roof, and alternating pulses of hot and cold air were starting to tax… pretty much everything everywhere.

    Overall, it was bad, yes, but…

    "You know…" I mused, rubbing my chin. "I suppose it could be worse." I shrugged at the disbelieving looks everyone shot me. "I'm being serious! I mean, the wedding was a disaster, sure, but look!" I swung my arms out. "The ship's still floating, right?"

    "Thanks, Zoro!" I heard Luffy call out, and then I saw him stretch his arm out to grab the remains of his rope contraption. "Oh, hey, the rope's still intact! Wonder if it'll still work!"

    'I never thought I'd say this, but I really need to learn when to keep my fucking mouth shut,' I thought as everyone else shouted, "LUFFY, NO!"

    YANK! CRASH!

    My arms remained in their upright position even as I twitched furiously. "Soundbite?"

    "ONLY LUFFY could do THIS by accident. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, that was the sound of every single support beam IN THE CHURCH SPLITTING IN HALF," Soundbite stated neutrally.

    And indeed, the church ship was quite literally coming apart at the seams, cracks spreading all throughout the structure before it finally collapsed into a field of barely-floating flotsam all too reminiscent of Krieg's galleon after Hawk-Eye had worked it over.

    "Uhh…" A massive sweatdrop sprung to life on Luffy's head. "Whoops?"

    "…RAAAGH!"

    "GACK!"

    I blinked in surprise at the familiar scream of outrage, and I turned to see a surprisingly familiar sight, save from a different perspective.

    "…You know something?" I mused, cupping my chin thoughtfully as I watched an apoplectic Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "It feels weird, seeing this from the outside. Kinda refreshing, if I'm being honest."

    "Healthy for her too," Chopper nodded in agreement. "Honestly, I've been contemplating assigning a few of our crewmates a stress ball for a while now, but in retrospect, this might be even better."

    "Sooo… should we help our Captain, or…?" Leo questioned uncertainly.

    "Boys…" Boss huffed out a cloud of smoke as he watched Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "Let this be a lesson to you all: never get between a t-ed off woman and the target of her ire if you wanna keep your shells on your backs."

    "Damn straight!" Raphey laughed as she slung her flippers around the shoulders of the suddenly nervous Mikey and Donny.

    "Mwahahaha!" Merry laughed down from the helm. "Well, fun as that is, I think I see a few more bounty hunters starting to climb back onto their ships! Whaddaya say we get the heck out of here?"

    "Ahh… sure thing, Merry, just let us…" I slowly sidled up to my semi-rabid friend and tapped her shoulder. "Ah, Vivi?"

    I nearly jumped out of my skin when she twisted her head around and tried to vaporize me with her gaze, Luffy's throat still clenched between her hands. "WHAT."

    I shuddered fearfully before grinning in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. "Now, Vivi," I started slowly. "I know that we just ruined your dream wedding, and we're more than likely to do it again in the future when the real deal rolls around, and… and… uh…" I scratched the back of my head with a sheepish smile. "Aaaand I forgot where I was going with this. Oops?"

    "Might wanna quit while you're behind, Cross," I heard Nami mutter behind me.

    I groaned in response and pre-emptively tensed up, waiting for the inevitable explosion from Vivi—but instead, she just smiled as she wrenched her iron-hard grip open. "Jeremiah Cross," she enunciated confidently and deliberately. "You, sir, are a pearl." And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away.

    I blinked slowly as I tried to process that little tidbit. "Okay…" I drew out. "That was odd. And more than a little worrying." I heard a puff of air, and turned around to see Nami desperately holding in what I could only assume was hysterical laughter. "What's wrong with you?"

    "D-Do you kn-know how p-pearls are f-formed?" she wheezed out, shaking from the effort of holding in her laughter.

    "Kinda?" I hedged. "I know they form in oysters over time—"

    "Th-Through constant irritation!" Nami interrupted right before she collapsed into howling gales.

    Despite the fact that the joke was at my expense, I couldn't help but be impressed. That was a clever bit of wordplay. But as I heard the door opening, I snapped my head up.

    "Hey, Vivi, wait a minute!" I piped up hastily. "Quick question! About that monocle you were wearing earlier…? "

    Vivi looked back at me as I took note of the subtle movement of four specific members of our crew.

    "I was just wondering: is it some sort of keepsake from your family, or some other kind of treasure, or…?"

    "Huh? Oh, you mean this?" Vivi produced the eyepiece in question and held it up. "No, it's just an ordinary monocle. I picked it up in Lovely Land while we were setting things up, but I actually think I might—"

    "All I needed to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty later. GUARDS!"

    "SPEAR OF SAINT GEORGE!"

    SMASH!

    "GAH!" Vivi flinched as a sai slammed through the monocle's frame, ripping it from her hand and pinning it to the mast. Mikey, Donny, and Leo then proceeded to catch the glass fragments and toss them overboard.

    "FREEDOM!" the TDWS cried joyously as they fell to their 'knees', or at least their closest equivalent.

    "Grgh—WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMNED—!" Vivi started to howl.

    "HIT IT BEFORE SHE HITS ME!" I shouted up at Merry.

    "COUP DE BURST!"

    BOOM!

    "WAAAAAGH!"

    And just like that… we were off.

    -o-
    ​
    One hour, a blast off, a change of clothes, and a lot of cooling down later, we were well away from the brawl going on behind us and had filled up on a good lunch, which we hadn't had the opportunity for in the midst of the ice war and then the wedding prep. But with that done…

    "Alright, everyone, now that that wedding fiasco is behind us, my knowledge should be back on track," I stated, drawing everyone's attention to me and solidifying their focus as they saw my expression. "And for what's coming next, you guys are going to want to get to training, right about…" I made a show of looking over my wrist before giving them all a dark look. "Immediately. Because the clusterfuck we're sailing into? Best case scenario we make out like the Davy Back Fight—the Backfight itself, I mean, not the shitfest that came after—whereas worst case… not as bad as Enies, but easily a close second."

    A long silence followed, during which most of those on the crew looked at me in significant askance, with the obvious exceptions of my partners. Then Vivi spoke.

    "And… how necessary is it that we go through with it, Cross?" she asked tersely. "I mean… I know we've done a lot of good in the past, but, well… is there any chance we can skip past it for once? Just, I don't know, spare ourselves some pain?"

    "Well, technically, we could try, but there are a lot of interesting things that we'd be missing." I looked at Luffy, the question clear in my expression. After a moment of tilting his head side to side, he nodded with a wide smile, prompting me to smile right back and start counting on my fingers.

    "Let's see…we'll be freeing over a thousand people from all over the world from living cursed half-lives—"

    "Right, then. Carue, we have weapons to sharpen," Vivi interrupted, marching over to the pavilion, the duck directly on her heels.

    "Oh, here, allow me!" Conis offered, rapping her knuckles against one of the pillars of the structure and drawing up our arsenal.

    "Might I recommend the rough whetstone?" Su proffered the stone in question with a vindictive leer.

    "I'll see what training I can do as well," Robin agreed coolly, settling in place and beginning to focus. I grinned, but I didn't miss a beat.

    "—Gaining another, ooooh… ฿300 million or so—"

    "Pardon me, I think I have one or twenty treatises on climatology calling me from the library," Nami stated, spinning on her heel and marching for the stairs.

    "—Beating up a predatorial voyeur who ate the Clear-Clear Fruit—"

    "I'll get to refining my Sky Walk," Sanji literally fumed as he started eyeing the skies. "You can expect dinner to be deep-fried Mega-Gull."

    "—Helping to fulfill an ancient promise between men—"

    "I'll start refining my arsenal. Maybe if I use more yeast as a stabilizing agent…?" Usopp mused to himself as he turned away and started walking towards his workshop.

    "And we will get to training on the Full-Shell Style," Boss concurred, sending his students diving over the edge of the ship with a glance, then following after them.

    "—Getting Zoro's new sword—"

    "I have a workout to get to," the swordsman grinned, beginning an ascent to the crow's nest.

    "—Beholding the biggest pirate ship in Paradise—"

    "Hold tight a sec, I'm gonna fire up the Cola-vats!" Franky grinned, heading below deck.

    "Grit your buns!" Merry barked, leaping at Zoro—

    CHOMP!

    "GAH! BRAT!"

    "J'sht shink of it ash training! 'N ash training ish shuper important!"

    And promptly… latching on for the ride.

    "—Meeting a world-renowned doctor who it turns out was only ever in it for the money—"

    "Excuse me, I have matters to attend to. Explosives to refine, dissection diagrams to draw up, you know… BUSINESS AS USUAL," Chopper cheerily informed us, heading for his lab with a very twitchy grin plastered on his face.

    "—Aaaand, last but not least: finally recruiting our crew's musician."

    "Usopp, wait up! I need a new pipe, the pigeon guy sliced up my old one!" Luffy called, running after our sniper.

    I watched as everyone went about his or her separate devices in peace before grinning at Soundbite. "Dontcha just love this crew?"

    "WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR the world, PARTNER!" Soundbite laughed. "So, you up for getting back on THE SBS?"

    "Hm… sure, why not?" I nodded in agreement, knocking on the mast and grabbing the rope that dropped down. I then shot a glance at my other partners. "You guys want in?"

    "Do you even know me?" Lassoo yawned lazily as he flopped on his back to sun his stomach. "I'm just gonna stay here, grab some Z's and… actually, yeah, no, I'm just gonna go ahead and go to—!"

    WH-CRACK!

    "YIPE!" The mutt-cannon curled in on his gut, snarling at the source of his pain. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMN IVORY-FARM!?"

    Funkfreed ignored his fellow weapon-Zoan in favor of grinning at me. "What my comrade meant to say," he chuckled with barely-hidden steel. "Is that we're going to be spending the afternoon training against one another. Isn't that right…" He promptly transitioned into his hybrid form and smirked at Lassoo. "Comrade?"

    "Well, I don't know much about 'training'," Lassoo mused, before snarling as he snapped into his own hybrid form, flames licking out of his maw. "BUT I'M DAMN WELL GOING TO MAKE YOU EAT YOUR OWN TRUNK, LEATHER-ASS!"

    "JUST TRY IT, HYDRANT-LICKER!"

    I chuckled as I watched the two start to brawl across the deck. "Ahhh, the joys of partnership."

    "EVER-SO-FUN!" Soundbite cackled. "Anyways, up, up and—!"

    "Ah, I'm sorry, but real quick?"

    "Hm?" I looked at Conis in confusion. "What's up?"

    "Weeell…" Conis cast a quick glance behind her before grinning conspiratorially. "I know that we aren't supposed to ask about spoilers and all, but while Luffy's occupied…?"

    "Oh, no, don't worry about it!" I said, waving her off even as I subtly wound the line to my room around my forearm. "It's really no big deal. We'll just be sailing into a treacherous geographic location in which many ships have mysteriously vanished, fighting against a legion of the living dead, an equally undead titan bigger than most giants, aaaand two Warlords of the Sea back to back. A total cakewalk!"

    "Oh, yes, of course, of course, I just wanted to clear that up is all." Conis nodded, turned back to her arsenal…

    And then just as I yanked on the line—

    "GET BACK DOWN HERE YOU RAGING BASTARD!" a little over half the crew screamed as they tried to swarm me, only just missing grabbing the bottoms of my greaves.

    "PFHAHAHA!" I cackled as I pried open the door to my hideaway, watching my friends spit venom down below, some even starting to work their way up the mast. "Truly nothing better than to be a part of this miraculous crew, ey, Soundbite?"

    "Not a SINGLE THING!"

    Patient AN: 'Noticeably shorter than our standard length' my foot…

    Xomniac AN: Once again, our astounding productivity astounds me… go us!

    Cross-Brain AN: By the way, for anyone who was curious about how those pygmy whales happened? Well, one day a female pygmy sperm whale ate a giant squid in just the wrong way… and with that, we turn loose all of our omake-writing fans. Have fun!
     
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    • You cruel bastards!!! Why do you always post on school days, and at times I want to sleep, unfortunately I need that. Still love the story but still you bastards!!!1!:rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::rage::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
     
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