Eh. Upon rereading this, in my completely unasked for heathen opinion, Olivia is being too hard on herself for seemingly no reason at all.
Putting aside labels and stereotyping on what is considered "masculine" and "feminine", finding fit gals do sports hot or acknowledging the fact doesn't mean Olivia is "backsliding back into habitual male mentality" or some shit, it means she's gay.
I mean, I thought we've established that already.
Like, there's obviously nuance I'm missing because I don't have a relatable experience, but I had female friends who were much less restrained when talking about hot guys, and we weren't even sixteen.
Honestly, this was tame.
As said, this is more about her insecurities than reality. It isn't pleasant, and it is being harsh on herself, but it is very, very realistic to the trans experience. Any behavior that smacks of masculism, be it sexuality, aggression, even talking and asserting yourself, is evidence that you aren't really a real girl/woman. That you are a man hiding, that it was all a perverse lie. Sometimes this takes more subtle forms, 'male socialization' which nominally says you are a girl but not really because you were male socialized. Then, if you're a properly woke transgirl, think about how feeling bad about this means that you think of women as non-sexual/passive/meek, and feel guilty about that, because it means you are thinking of women based on stereotypes* and enforcing the gender-binary. Thus you can hate yourself twice over!
*Just like a man would.
