Sunday's Melancholy, 88:88
She couldn't make a decision. Not now, when she was so tired, most of her mind missing - some of it literally so. She was grateful for the chance to heal herself, of course, but she needed time to rest, time to complete the healing, and to understand its offer.
Nor did it seem entirely trustworthy. Approaching her now was timely, in the sense that any later might have been too late, but why not earlier? She would have been better able to judge, then.
"I could hardly stand by and allow my sole glimmer of hope to be destroyed."
That wasn't an answer.
"I could not have intervened before, in any form you would have appreciated. If you ask, you will learn that I am insane; indeed, that I am humanity's insanity and self-hate personified. Every self-destructive impulse, every act of cruelty, every dark side of every human there is; I am them, as they are me, though they aren't my entire being."
Fear, simple and stark. This was not convincing.
"It could not be otherwise. Humanity is polarised, split through whether or not it wishes to accept the status quo. Every spiteful act of cruelty is also rebellion against the nature of humanity itself, every happy thought implicitly an acceptance of that nature. There is a light to my darkness, but it does not wish for change. Fear is justified, for I am evil, but that is not all which I am; every scientist seeking to bend Kagutsuchi to their whims, every justified rebel, they are also me."
How could she possibly trust a being like that?
"By not dealing with the entirety."
What?
"My full self is too vast to care about a tiny spark of light such as yourself. Further, I am largely insane, only capable of acting through grandiose and dramatic acts that may, for a time, allow some part of me lucidity. However, I am an evil that seeks to destroy itself, and I am not singular. The part which you are talking to is the part that truly desires to destroy Kagutsuchi. You should be familiar with the notion that parts of you can act on their own, but pray that you never meet Nyx, for it is the pure expression of suicide."
Like her charas? Those are practically different people, though -
The darkness seemed to study her, pushing inwards in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. A gentle golden glitter marked the point where it pushed against Integrity-Protecting Prana. It let up after a moment.
"Not… precisely like that, no. Dear child, do you believe that you are Amu?"
Well, of course!
But all around her, she could hear gentle laughter.
"Your existence is not so simple. You are a shadow, a mirror reflecting her desire to understand herself, or perhaps a dream given function but not form. Look at yourself."
At herself?
Bereft of the charm that kept her functional, and contained by Nyarlathotep's inward pressure, her mind had disintegrated into a million shards of thought and habit. She was a whirlpool, a primordial soup of mind-stuff that was slowly seeking a configuration that would let it function despite the damage. It was beautiful, but tainted; burnt areas and outright gaps outlined the damage she had taken during the end of the world, and although her mind automatically sought to repair itself, it could not succeed in doing so - there were too many flaws, too much lost. Left to its own devices, only insanity awaited. Moreover, it could not currently be said to be a functioning mind of any sort.
Half-consciously she reached out, feeling out the shape of a missing piece and selecting the closest equivalent to clone and insert. It wouldn't be ideal, but it'd grow to fit. The graft quickly took, settling down to discuss protocol with its neighbours rather than immediately doing the job it was meant for.
"With a mind like that, how could we discourse?"
They couldn't, was the answer; she couldn't have understood, not anything. And yet, she understood, and she recognised the place where Nyarlathotep's mind touched hers.
His voice, she understood, was her own. Not literally, and not truly a voice, but imagined by the same section of her mind which she had copied from Su; an idiot-savant algorithm that had once been part of herself, as it was once again.
Herself?
This wasn't her. She was looking at - no, she could see her own thoughts, and some of them involved the functional parts of her mind; in part, if not in whole. Others… there was a part of herself where she could not see, a black box that was black because to see through it would be paradox. It was capable, somehow, of extracting lucidity from bedlam.
The voice wasn't real. Nevertheless, it sounded pensive.
"I do not truly understand. You are not a shadow, not a persona, not a chara or any other extension of the self that Kagutsuchi is forced to allow when his cycle is close to an end. You are all of those things and none; a fragment that does not conform, a piece that does not fit. You should have been destroyed, your existence erased, unless through the will of your origin or the intervention of greater powers you had crystallised as an independent entity, but you have not."
It sounded excited, now. She could almost imagine it as a lab-coated man shouting 'Eureka'.
"Every possibility denied, Kagutsuchi's light should have burned you from existence, but Kagutsuchi is sickened and unable to act. Philemon's gambit might have allowed you life as a chara, yet you are not budding off. You are a fraction of her mind, more deeply embedded by the moment."
[No system can contain itself], her sleeping mind offered up. [Nor can they model themselves, without handling infinite regression.]
"Perhaps I am making a distinction where none exists. I am the shadow of humanity, but you, Amu, are no longer human, and so I am not fully your shadow."
It might have decided she was Amu, but she was no longer certain. Whatever the truth, how did this apply to whether or not she could trust it?
"I expect you will see my point, once you are back in proper shape."
No, again, that wasn't…
"I am not separate from humanity. What I do, I do out of human desire. If I have attempted to destroy humanity, it is because humanity is suicidal; if I have failed, it is because enough of it is not. Even a trapped animal will eventually tear itself to pieces trying to escape, though it will not deliberately commit suicide, but humanity is far more than a mere animal. I will not claim that humanity's demise would sadden me, while it remains the sole escape. It does not. You have little true choice, for if Kagutsuchi creates a new world you will be destroyed, and I will eventually be reborn. One day, if humanity remains locked up, my other purpose will succeed."
But she didn't want humanity to destroy itself!
"You are but one person, out of many. If you were typical, I would not exist."
This was too much. She could barely think, how could she possibly make a choice like this?
"Indeed, you wished for rest…"
Please!
"Time is limited, but there are still many days ahead. Very well; we shall talk later."
The darkness drew back, settling into a featureless sphere around her mind. Gratefully, uncertain about its purpose but trusting in her charms to protect her if it came to that, she allowed herself to relax, releasing her grip on the parts of Amu she'd used to talk.
And her mind dissolved // exoself autonomous mode enabled // exiting supervisory/hybrid mode.
