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Project Ludovico

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We were watching a video about the top 10 worst movies of the 80s, and they showed a clip from Krull. Moira immediately shouted, "NO! FUCK YOU!"
 
To quote my brother on the first Purge

The Purge was a movie where a little child had a robot that killed mad max-style home Invaders in a R rated version of Home Alone
Also there was a subplot about racism classism and all that shit and no one cared
Because they were too busy laughing at the awful family getting murdered and also the killer robot
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Shit was redonk
 
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Hardcore Henry: BROUGHT TO YOU BY MOUNTAIN DEW AND DORITOS
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    • Hardcore Henry is probably the hardest thing I've ever tried to write about. It doesn't have a plot so much as a bunch of things that happen in sequence, approximately 1.5 characters and a shitload of action inspired by video games. All I keep coming up with is a series of hooks for the review.

    Hardcore Henry: RAMIREZ DO EVERYTHING
    Hardcore Henry: The Official Movie of Skipping the Cutscenes
    Hardcore Henry: SHOOT EM IN THE HEAD, SHOOT EM IN THE HEAD
    Hardcore Henry: Sharlto Copleys GONE WILD.
    Hardcore Henry: I thought this CoD game was supposed to be a shooter, WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING SO MUCH.
    Hardocre Henry: The Antithesis of Metal Gear Solid 2.
    Hardcore Henry: It's basically John Wick: The Game: The Movie

    So the setup is quite simply that Your Character the protagonist Henry wakes up with no memory and no voice but oh no, his Wife is kidnapped by the Villain and he has to kill all the dudes to get her back. Along the way he'll kill dudes, parkour, kill more dudes, BOSS BATTLE, talk to Sharlto Copley and finally kill all the Dudes while realizing that all is not as it seems before killing the FINAL BOSS. And uh, yeah, that's the plot.

    Look this is a pretty pitch perfect imitation of a game but there's not much to really talk about in substance without simply listing all the Stuff That Happens. Its a Spectacle Movie. Its all about seeing where they take the gimmick next and about the deaths of approximately all of Russia's mook population. The plot such as it is, is basically just a send up of video game logic such as silent protagonist, amnesia plots (or alternatively Elder Scroll Syndrome), support characters and the age old "THEY HAVE YOUR WIFE MOTHERFUCKER, KICK THEIR ASS". The Action is pretty good and enjoyable as long as you don't mind the fact that everything is from the first person perspective and it uses its gimmick well.

    Its a movie that there can be one of but if you do too many more it becomes excessive very quickly. Its the kind of movie that demands a drinking game and oh shit I just made one son.

    Take a drink every time:
    • Sharlto Copely is reintroduced as a new Jimmy
    • PARKOUR
    • We cut to a flashback sequence
    • Everyone is dead
    • He gets a message or location from Jimmy as to his next mission objective
    • The villain uses his TK on someone (once per scene)
    Finish the drink every time:
    • BOSS BATTLE
    • FINAL BOSS
    • He loses his wife again.
    • Russian Homophobia
    • Ninja Prostitutes, an oddly recurring theme in my movies.
    Anything more might actually kill you and I can't be legally responsible for that.

    Oh yeah so the 1 actual character is Jimmy, who continuously dies the whole movie but keeps coming back with a new personality each time. He's played by Sharlto Copley who is clearly enjoying the fuck out of himself every minute of this thing. This movie is like he got a hall pass from Neil Blomkamp to just go fucking bonkers after Chappie and he's going to use it to the limit. Half the fun of the movie is just him getting wasted and then showing back up. He plays Price from both WW2 and Modern Warfare Call of Duties among others.

    Yeah sorry there's not a lot of substance, its just a movie you have to see. Its a movie that is Ironically Good in that you can't go "Yeah, this is a good movie" but you can buckle in and have an hour and a half of dumb fun. It's like playing a video game with even the barest of plots ripped out along with all its fucks. I don't know how much longevity it will have but I think as long as Adult Substances That Are Legally Available are present it will at least be some fun otherwise you have to get into this rocket after shutting off the higher functions of your brain.

    Just go with the flow on this one.

    Final Rating: RAMIREZ out of TEN, rent it when its not solely in the realm of the Theater and [REDACTED]
     
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    • Sorry the review isn't that good :(
     
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    Also I realized juuuust after writing it, that this movie is basically Gamer But Tighter, right down to the exact same musical number out of nowhere.

    edit: Oh wait, basically nobody saw Gamer...
     
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    Athene said:
    It doesn't have a plot so much as a bunch of things that happen in sequence, approximately 1.5 characters and a shitload of action inspired by video games.
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    Hardcore Henry: It's basically John Wick: The Game: The Movie
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    Oh yeah so the 1 actual character is Jimmy, who continuously dies the whole movie but keeps coming back with a new personality each time.
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    Also I realized juuuust after writing it, that this movie is basically Gamer But Tighter, right down to the exact same musical number out of nowhere.
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    Except that all of these are non-ironically good.
     
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    Athene said:
    Also I realized juuuust after writing it, that this movie is basically Gamer But Tighter, right down to the exact same musical number out of nowhere.

    edit: Oh wait, basically nobody saw Gamer...
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    That's the one where Dexter Morgan tries to take over the world with nanomachines that allow people to LARP The Sims and King Leonidas has to fight him, right? Also Counselor Anderson is a bad guy.
     
    BlackAeronaut said:
    Let's talk about these aliens. Like, WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE INSCRUTABLE BASTARDS?
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    BlackAeronaut said:
    I mean, they don't really invade or anything. They just send down some horrible bioengineered nightmare fuel to kill a few people and scare the rest.
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    BlackAeronaut said:
    I don't care if it would be 'true to life' if some alien menace was truly inscrutable. Just some clue about why they hate humans so much would be nice.
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    BlackAeronaut said:
    How about Earth? Because seriously, what the fuck? I mean, I get that the whole planet got raped by humanity. It's kindofa delicious irony if you subscribe to the school of "The Planet is Trying to Kill Us" thought - the planet tried so hard, yet in failing to destroy us, it succeeded when we destroyed the very mechanisms that support life.
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    There are no aliens.

    Nature teams up against humanity. It's always been fighting us, just now that our technology poses a credible threat of total extinction, it drops the act of pretending to be mindless. Suddenly all carnivores attack people instead of anything else. All horses resist riding. All dogs become feral. Crops die. Kudzu is found everywhere. Ants now know they match us on global biological weight. Birds carry poisonous spiders and insects as dive-bombing ammunition.
     
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