Kuja
I'M A SQUIIIID
- Location
- AZ
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Somehow, out of everything bananas about this movie, this is the part that gets me.
Project Ludovico
- Thread starter Athene
- Start date
-
- Tags
- athenemas film media movie review
Somehow, out of everything bananas about this movie, this is the part that gets me.
Night_stalker
Slava Ukraini!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I just don't get that people want to get BACK on the plane after that flight.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The Exorcism of Emily Rose is a horror movie about how ignorance and superstition killed an innocent girl. Of course it doesn't know that, so its the Inspirational True Story of Emily Rose. Of course, there is actually no Emily Rose. She's made up. It is instead an adaptation of the story of a German woman named Anneliese Michel. A woman who was in dire need of psychological care that believed she was possessed by Lucifer, Cain, Judas Iscariot and uh...also possessed by Hitler and Nero. Her family was not down with Vatican II: Electric Benediction, and she had messianic fantasies of martyrdom. She wanted to die to redeem the church and the youth of Germany. She got the first part down at least. Fun Fact: She shattered her knees from too much genuflection. It's the most Catholic injury possible aside from choking to death on a communion wafer.
But this is America and we need American religious figures! We can't have some German be our religious symbol. Especially not one that has Hitler and Judas throw Neil Simon shitfits at each other in her head. We need someone as American as Jesus Christ, apple pie and corn flakes enemas! Enter All American Girl Emily Rose. She loves Jesus, lives on a farm and goes to the University of College where the real America is: Canada.
So to be clear here, the first time I watched this movie I was drunk in Kentucky. I was drunk and watching this trash and because I was knew to the act of being drunk, I riffed this movie live with my friends in a crowded theater to the probable annoyance of the conservative, church going Kentuckians. After 13 years of personal development and maturing I can say that I might honestly do the same but the riffs would be better. This is a garbage movie with a garbage message, that can't even figure out what kind of shitty movie it is.
It starts with the ME wandering around lost staring at random things. Oh its supposed to be eerie and\or spoops, but it comes off more as him being completely lost. He looks like his Uber let him off at the wrong address as he slowly bumbles his way into the house. Emily Rose is dead, and how, and the movie immediately segues into its meat: Courtroom Drama. Oh I'm sorry, did you expect more exorcisms in this exorcism movie? Sorry, but its mostly a courtroom movie. The DAs office picks my favorite character in the movie to be its prosecutor on this one, a deeply religious yet not nutbar Methodist. I think the guy is supposed to be portrayed as a dick but his frustration is the realest thing in this movie. He's going to go through some real bullshit.
The defense is Erin Bruner who recently defended a scumbag murderer and got him off, only for him to kill an entire family afterwards. But this time she gets to defend someone allegedly worth defending, Father Richard Moore. Dick Moore. FATHER DICK MOORE. He's played by a slumming Tom Wilkinson, who must have hung out at the craft services table with Shohreh Aghdashloo going "Man, why don't we actually have any scenes together?!"
The catholic church doesn't want Dick Moore to testify because they feel like it would be an embarrassment but he insists on going to trial because Emilys fake story has to be told. The trial goes badly to start, since the prosecution has things like "Facts" and "Experts". Erin is ineptly trying to argue from a position of "But maybe they're wrong?" and getting trashed by experts in their fields. She tries to portray a condition suffered by as many as 10% of people who suffer epilepsy as being conveniently made up. She is in fact a terrible lawyer.
Worse still, by taking the case, Bruner has earned the ire of Satan himself. Over the course of the film, she'll be victim to such supernatural events as "Satan messing with her watch" and "Satan knocking out her power to make her somewhat late". Why, Satan even randomly makes loud thumping noises once or twice a night. Does his devilry know no bounds?! Its a bad sign for the efficacy of the literal devil when he can't compete with normal peoples neighbors.
Her "possession" is revealed through courtroom testimony and its basically, well, she's mentally ill and needed help. I'll even go farther and say that her boyfriend probably raped her based on the account of first possession. A heavy weight holding her down, a force gripping her neck as she's paralyzed, implied "supernatural" sexual assault? Oh and one of the few people willing to back up possession is her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who "kept her safe" by entering her bed while she was insensate.
Yeah...
The prosecutor is able to accurately debunk basically anything they come up with to try to maintain a possession took place. He effectively destroys the defense in the beginning of the movie, because he's clearly established all the facts. But that's when the defense comes across a surefire defense!
That facts don't matter.
Bruner goes full bore into saying this was a supernatural event. The prosecutor can throw every fact in the world at her, could bring in a hundred witnesses and she would still just go "WELL, BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER?!" She has one witness who says that Possessions are Totally Real, Sorta. She gets the judge on her side and she's allowed all sorts of procedural fuckery like introducing evidence an hour before court or emailing the prosecution at 3am to update them of critical information. She introduces a written statement allegedly by Emily, read only by the priest. Its not entered into evidence, the prosecution isn't told and only Dick Moore has access to it. There is no evidence or attempt at authentication, its entered into evidence on the spot and allowed as her statement and testimony about her own death.
A lawyers reaction right now.
Her closing argument is that sure, all the facts are on the Prosecutions side. Sure he's proven everything he says. But isn't that boring an unimaginative? That maybe if we prove things, we remove possibilities? Do we want to not have the possibility that she was possessed by all the demons she knew the names for ahead of time and spoke in tongues she already knew? Oh and "God's Not Dead", and the devil being real means god is real and please forgive me for letting a murderer go, blah blah blah blah. They find him guilty because, obviously, but when the immediately skip to immediate sentencing, the judge is interrupted by the jury who tells her to let him go with time served because....Jesus?
Oh but right, the whole exorcism right?
Its garbage. The essential problem with this movie, aside from the fact that somehow people like it, is that it is trying to be everything. Its a horror movie that's trying to be a religious movie. Its a religious movie that wants to be a courtroom drama. Its a courtroom drama that wants to be a horror film. Arguably it succeeds on that last one, but only for lawyers. The possession scenes are rote and predictable. People with spooky faces going "boo" while their mascara runs and a woman that can do some contortions. The exorcism when it happens is a complete failure in and out of universe. How bad is it? She attacks them with Domestic Longhairs and manages to escape.
"Is Satan that good or do we suck this much?!"
Wait no, that needs something....
There we go.
She races out to the barn where she kicks their ass with more farm animals. The exorcism is a complete failure due to the lack of proper respect to the old priest\young priest formula. As she dies over the following weeks and months, she says its totes cool though in her note. Let Satan have the W this time, because it will make everyone believe in god more. Its a good thing that she wrote that or that time she impaled herself on the barbed wire and started trying to smash her face through a wall might have looked negligent. I mean, you still gave Satan the W. Its a real shutout for Satan here, he even had the dad get disabled by a horse. But a single agnostic person situationally believed more in religion or at minimum, Satan. That's the important thing, getting her story out. Her completely fake story that's given a fake epilogue. Oh and she gets a completely respectful and appropriate gravestone
Oh.
This is the movie that PureFlix has been ripping off for 13 years now, only its by Screen Gems. People kept telling me that this movie was legit but its just complete trash. Its morals are off the walls, it sands down the true story to try to make it work and it doesn't know what kind of movie it is. Probably Satan's weakest showing in a movie but he gets to dunk on everyone. Again, I have to point out that its an adaptation of the story of a mentally ill person that wanted to be a martyr and so killed herself slowly and painfully. Take that Vatican 2, try to modernize the church huh? Shows you.
Its a fundamentally toxic and mediocre movie. Just get tanked and watch it, its better that way.
But this is America and we need American religious figures! We can't have some German be our religious symbol. Especially not one that has Hitler and Judas throw Neil Simon shitfits at each other in her head. We need someone as American as Jesus Christ, apple pie and corn flakes enemas! Enter All American Girl Emily Rose. She loves Jesus, lives on a farm and goes to the University of College where the real America is: Canada.
So to be clear here, the first time I watched this movie I was drunk in Kentucky. I was drunk and watching this trash and because I was knew to the act of being drunk, I riffed this movie live with my friends in a crowded theater to the probable annoyance of the conservative, church going Kentuckians. After 13 years of personal development and maturing I can say that I might honestly do the same but the riffs would be better. This is a garbage movie with a garbage message, that can't even figure out what kind of shitty movie it is.
It starts with the ME wandering around lost staring at random things. Oh its supposed to be eerie and\or spoops, but it comes off more as him being completely lost. He looks like his Uber let him off at the wrong address as he slowly bumbles his way into the house. Emily Rose is dead, and how, and the movie immediately segues into its meat: Courtroom Drama. Oh I'm sorry, did you expect more exorcisms in this exorcism movie? Sorry, but its mostly a courtroom movie. The DAs office picks my favorite character in the movie to be its prosecutor on this one, a deeply religious yet not nutbar Methodist. I think the guy is supposed to be portrayed as a dick but his frustration is the realest thing in this movie. He's going to go through some real bullshit.
The defense is Erin Bruner who recently defended a scumbag murderer and got him off, only for him to kill an entire family afterwards. But this time she gets to defend someone allegedly worth defending, Father Richard Moore. Dick Moore. FATHER DICK MOORE. He's played by a slumming Tom Wilkinson, who must have hung out at the craft services table with Shohreh Aghdashloo going "Man, why don't we actually have any scenes together?!"
The catholic church doesn't want Dick Moore to testify because they feel like it would be an embarrassment but he insists on going to trial because Emilys fake story has to be told. The trial goes badly to start, since the prosecution has things like "Facts" and "Experts". Erin is ineptly trying to argue from a position of "But maybe they're wrong?" and getting trashed by experts in their fields. She tries to portray a condition suffered by as many as 10% of people who suffer epilepsy as being conveniently made up. She is in fact a terrible lawyer.
Worse still, by taking the case, Bruner has earned the ire of Satan himself. Over the course of the film, she'll be victim to such supernatural events as "Satan messing with her watch" and "Satan knocking out her power to make her somewhat late". Why, Satan even randomly makes loud thumping noises once or twice a night. Does his devilry know no bounds?! Its a bad sign for the efficacy of the literal devil when he can't compete with normal peoples neighbors.
Her "possession" is revealed through courtroom testimony and its basically, well, she's mentally ill and needed help. I'll even go farther and say that her boyfriend probably raped her based on the account of first possession. A heavy weight holding her down, a force gripping her neck as she's paralyzed, implied "supernatural" sexual assault? Oh and one of the few people willing to back up possession is her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who "kept her safe" by entering her bed while she was insensate.
Yeah...
The prosecutor is able to accurately debunk basically anything they come up with to try to maintain a possession took place. He effectively destroys the defense in the beginning of the movie, because he's clearly established all the facts. But that's when the defense comes across a surefire defense!
That facts don't matter.
Bruner goes full bore into saying this was a supernatural event. The prosecutor can throw every fact in the world at her, could bring in a hundred witnesses and she would still just go "WELL, BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER?!" She has one witness who says that Possessions are Totally Real, Sorta. She gets the judge on her side and she's allowed all sorts of procedural fuckery like introducing evidence an hour before court or emailing the prosecution at 3am to update them of critical information. She introduces a written statement allegedly by Emily, read only by the priest. Its not entered into evidence, the prosecution isn't told and only Dick Moore has access to it. There is no evidence or attempt at authentication, its entered into evidence on the spot and allowed as her statement and testimony about her own death.
A lawyers reaction right now.
Her closing argument is that sure, all the facts are on the Prosecutions side. Sure he's proven everything he says. But isn't that boring an unimaginative? That maybe if we prove things, we remove possibilities? Do we want to not have the possibility that she was possessed by all the demons she knew the names for ahead of time and spoke in tongues she already knew? Oh and "God's Not Dead", and the devil being real means god is real and please forgive me for letting a murderer go, blah blah blah blah. They find him guilty because, obviously, but when the immediately skip to immediate sentencing, the judge is interrupted by the jury who tells her to let him go with time served because....Jesus?
Oh but right, the whole exorcism right?
Its garbage. The essential problem with this movie, aside from the fact that somehow people like it, is that it is trying to be everything. Its a horror movie that's trying to be a religious movie. Its a religious movie that wants to be a courtroom drama. Its a courtroom drama that wants to be a horror film. Arguably it succeeds on that last one, but only for lawyers. The possession scenes are rote and predictable. People with spooky faces going "boo" while their mascara runs and a woman that can do some contortions. The exorcism when it happens is a complete failure in and out of universe. How bad is it? She attacks them with Domestic Longhairs and manages to escape.
"Is Satan that good or do we suck this much?!"
Wait no, that needs something....
There we go.
Oh.
This is the movie that PureFlix has been ripping off for 13 years now, only its by Screen Gems. People kept telling me that this movie was legit but its just complete trash. Its morals are off the walls, it sands down the true story to try to make it work and it doesn't know what kind of movie it is. Probably Satan's weakest showing in a movie but he gets to dunk on everyone. Again, I have to point out that its an adaptation of the story of a mentally ill person that wanted to be a martyr and so killed herself slowly and painfully. Take that Vatican 2, try to modernize the church huh? Shows you.
Its a fundamentally toxic and mediocre movie. Just get tanked and watch it, its better that way.
- Location
- North of England
- Pronouns
- She/They
Ohey I actually riffed on this with some friends at Uni a while back.
Okay so of all the ridiculous things referenced and not referenced in the above review this stood out to me as by far the most unbelievable thing in the entire film. Like I went to a Methodist school and it was about as chill as a place with 800-odd teenagers in it can possibly be. I am honestly surprised that even a movie which is pretty clearly made by fruitloop "Christians" would actually consider this a believable character.
MiracleGrow
Miracles for only $19.99 [They/Them]
- Location
- DOOR STUCK DOOR STUCK PLEASE I BEG U
Ah this movie, my christian neighbors consider this to be their favorite movie. So Ive seen it like four times. Its utterly atrocious.
I greatly prefer this version of the naming scene. (Turn down your volume by a lot)
I greatly prefer this version of the naming scene. (Turn down your volume by a lot)
Night_stalker
Slava Ukraini!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
So the only way to be in Kentucky?
I'm sure that was just a freak coincidence.
*Insert evil lawyer joke here, we're walking, we're walking*
Yeah, I mean, for a guy supposedly possessing someone, he sure seems to suck at you know, keeping people in fear of him.
I mean, if they were at least Maine Coon Cats, I'd be scared, but Longhairs?
Fun fact about all those contortions:
Actress was able to do them on her own, no SFX needed.
That said, it's kinda eerie. Quite awhile ago, I entertained doing a short story, idea would be the Catholic Church had actual records and such of the exorcism of the IRL person. However, naturally, it didn't take a rocket scientist to see putting them in evidence could raise quite a amount of.... disturbing content, so off to the Vatican Archives they went.
Issue is, well, that stuff is due to be declassified, and naturally, they can't just keep postponing it....
Cmd. Frost
The last one standing.
- Location
- The Summer Stretch
Oh shit, this movie. I've got fanatically Christian grandparents and even they hate this movie.
I'll see your choking on a wafer and raise you a drowning in holy water.
I'll see your choking on a wafer and raise you a drowning in holy water.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
#TheDevilInside
samdamandias
Apprentice Plane Wizard
That might make for something actually entertaining.
Oh damn. Not even enjoyably bad, it would seem.
It is rather implied in the name, yes.
No, that's Nebraska.
Whiskey Golf
Being of Editing & Technical Assistance
- Location
- Chained to my desk
The actual Catholic church IRL, so I'm told, actually requires priests to first eliminate all possible physical and scientific causes first, and only then proceed to exorcism, you don't just do that at the drop of a hat. It's the same approach my parents ran with (specially as my mum was a former medical professional, being a no-nonsense ex-Staffnurse*). She and the DA would be salting togehter.
*In the British nursing system, which Malaysia also adopted, if doctors are officers, the Ward Sister is the Staff Sergeant and the Staffnurse is the Sergeant.
*In the British nursing system, which Malaysia also adopted, if doctors are officers, the Ward Sister is the Staff Sergeant and the Staffnurse is the Sergeant.
all fictions
I hate you! (it's not against the rules!)
- Location
- Mons Regius
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Yes, the RCC is loath to do exorcisms. Since many cases are actually the result of psychological disorders and thus best left to medical science, there are symptoms which must be met for the Church to consider that an exorcism is needed, such as being aware of events that the allegedly possessed individual should not have any way of knowing and being burned by religious imagery, for example.
- Location
- Pittsburgh, PA
Admittedly, "I let my rosary brush this dude's hand and his skin crisped up real good, like immediately" makes for a fairly convincing data point.
I thought this movie sounded familiar and yep, I think we watched this movie like twice in Catholic indoctrination religion classes. I only remembered bits and pieces but Shohreh Aghdashloo talking about miracles being totes real (or something?) stuck in my mind.
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Waiting warmly~
- Location
- Somewhere
Damn cliffhangers.
Mechasaurian
Big Bossu
- Location
- Lost among fields of history
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Pureflix or something else? (If there's a schedule I've lost track or forgotten).
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Yes.
But no.
I'm way behind schedule due to adjusting to the...demands of my job and being sick, hoping to catch up soon.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
It would be easy to talk about Slamma Jamma for the next 22 weeks straight. I could just watch it every week and find new insanity to talk about or basic errors in filmaking to dissect. You could teach entire classes on it, you could write thesis papers on it. Its a perfect, beautiful failure of a movie.
The difficulty about writing this review can be summed up by the old story of the three blind men and the elephant. Where do I begin to give you an accurate take on what this glorious bomb is about? I mean don't mean that figuratively, I mean how the fuck do you even explain a movie like Slamma Jamma? I will endeavor to try, despite having to repeatedly throw out material for being unable to fully capture its insanity. So lets take this old school:
Dramatis Personae
Michael Diggs: A basketball player that makes Clarence Thomas look like Fred Hampton. When held back by systemic racism, he says its all his fault really for not being responsible enough really. He acts like the avatar of major depression but this is treated as strength of character. What kind of leech doesn't get a job the day he gets out of prison, after all? He eats moldy bread out of trashcans rather than let his mom make him dinner or give him some spending money. He was supposed to get drafted into the NBA but hung out with the wrong crowd for 18 minutes and gets sent to jail for six years as a result. He lives in a universe where every piece of advice a baby boomer that hasn't looked for a job in 40 years is absolutely correct. His self destructive tendencies are rewarded at every turn and he experiences no character development, because he is a holy, blessed person whose slam dunks we're not worthy to gaze upon.
Gemma: An ambulatory plot device. Her major contributions are to be kinda old, get sick and die. They do wind sprints on her grave. Seriously.
Craig Jackson: The dude that was Michael Diggs friend until he beat him at a single slam dunk contest. Now Michael has PTSD flashbacks about it while staring at bread. He seemed like an alright guy back then but they throttle up the douchebaggery to make him less appealing than Michael Diggs, who has no personality. He gets setup as the villain before the movie trips over its own dick and wastes its own antagonist. Last seen falling into a formless void.
Lisa: "But the PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIZE". Michael Digg's former fiance until he refused to let her visit him in prison for no reason. She's with Craig now because he got the pink slips when he won a slam dunk competition and joined the NBA. She later asks Michael to hit the reset button on their relationship and pretend they never broke up. He's done nothing to change what an asshole he was to her but his mom is dead and that's a healthy thing to build a relationship on. She's essentially a quasi sentient trophy for the main character to win.
Taye: He's Michaels brother or something, but he's a human side quest. He might as well have an exclamation mark floating over his head.
Lizare: Oh no, a guy that can act. He's a gang lord that hires Taye and wants to support Michael Diggs because he's honestly just a nice guy. He would totally help you move and always goes Sun Bro. He tries to talk about institutional racism and inherent unfairness of Michael's situation a couple times but really, he just needs more bootstrap pulling, amirite? He gives Michael custody of his brother in the bro-divorce they go through. Lizare gets to have him run guns every other weekend and some holidays.
Pastor Soul: A priest that has been hanging around in a dilapidated, ruined church for 6 years, waiting for Michael to start his side quest. He often gives Micheal Diggs the advice that "You're Michael Diggs" or "Remember that you're Michael Diggs." or any number of affirmations that he's Michael Diggs. Michael Diggs.
Michael's Lawyer: "Sometimes the Justice, it is dead on arrival"
The Warden: "You are alone, now your journey can begin". The vaguely sinister yet apparently very nice warden of the parking lot and loading dock they swear is totally a prison guys.
(?????): One of Michaels Friends. The movie doesn't deign to give his friends names until late in the movie, after you've been forced to make up new ones for them. His notable characteristic is that 2/3rds of the way through the movie, his brain is deprived of oxygen for 12 minutes, rendering him unable to process metaphors, similes or sarcasm. His name is apparently Brandon, but you find that out as the movies closing.
Jerome: Michaels other best friend, who is his manager that doesn't handle any management. His end game personality is just being kind of a jerk and not understanding consent.
Terrell: Michael's former Don King esque agent. He hangs around basketball courts to scout talent and deliver exposition. He doesn't like his plates dirty and money is his god. He bribes Jose Conseco at one point.
Jammer: The other rival established only to never pay off. He felt betrayed by Michael going to jail as a young fan of his. Michael apologizes for being wrongfully convicted of a crime he didn't commit and for letting him down by being wrongfully sent to jail.
Frank Frondheim: The movies final boss who comes out of nowhere, jettisoning everything established thus far.
Jose Conseco: Yeah I said Jose Conseco earlier. I don't understand why he's here either. Maybe he's like the Fae in the NBC Merlin movies and if you don't pay attention to him he dies. Also those movies were weird and I should rewatch them sometime to see how they stack up.
Ray Walia: The movies producer who comes out of nowhere to be a major part of Michaels team. He's so abrubtly introduced, we keep forgetting he's in the movie.
Fat Sean Hannity: Not Sean Hannity but an Incredible Simulation. Mike's boss at his first job out of prison.
Hustle and Low: The name of my pitch for a movie based around the woman and little person that dominate the main cast during a bizarre out of order basketball sequence. They are 200% the best part of this movie and it should just have been about them hustling people on the court for 2 hours.
The Woman Who Knocks Out Craig Then Does Some Boxing Footwork While Shadow Boxing Afterwards: The hero we need but don't deserve.
So now that I've introduced the characters tonight, I can dive into this shitshow in depth tomorrow! Yay! Hooray for-
*passes out on keyboard*
The difficulty about writing this review can be summed up by the old story of the three blind men and the elephant. Where do I begin to give you an accurate take on what this glorious bomb is about? I mean don't mean that figuratively, I mean how the fuck do you even explain a movie like Slamma Jamma? I will endeavor to try, despite having to repeatedly throw out material for being unable to fully capture its insanity. So lets take this old school:
Dramatis Personae
Michael Diggs: A basketball player that makes Clarence Thomas look like Fred Hampton. When held back by systemic racism, he says its all his fault really for not being responsible enough really. He acts like the avatar of major depression but this is treated as strength of character. What kind of leech doesn't get a job the day he gets out of prison, after all? He eats moldy bread out of trashcans rather than let his mom make him dinner or give him some spending money. He was supposed to get drafted into the NBA but hung out with the wrong crowd for 18 minutes and gets sent to jail for six years as a result. He lives in a universe where every piece of advice a baby boomer that hasn't looked for a job in 40 years is absolutely correct. His self destructive tendencies are rewarded at every turn and he experiences no character development, because he is a holy, blessed person whose slam dunks we're not worthy to gaze upon.
Gemma: An ambulatory plot device. Her major contributions are to be kinda old, get sick and die. They do wind sprints on her grave. Seriously.
Craig Jackson: The dude that was Michael Diggs friend until he beat him at a single slam dunk contest. Now Michael has PTSD flashbacks about it while staring at bread. He seemed like an alright guy back then but they throttle up the douchebaggery to make him less appealing than Michael Diggs, who has no personality. He gets setup as the villain before the movie trips over its own dick and wastes its own antagonist. Last seen falling into a formless void.
Lisa: "But the PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIZE". Michael Digg's former fiance until he refused to let her visit him in prison for no reason. She's with Craig now because he got the pink slips when he won a slam dunk competition and joined the NBA. She later asks Michael to hit the reset button on their relationship and pretend they never broke up. He's done nothing to change what an asshole he was to her but his mom is dead and that's a healthy thing to build a relationship on. She's essentially a quasi sentient trophy for the main character to win.
Taye: He's Michaels brother or something, but he's a human side quest. He might as well have an exclamation mark floating over his head.
Lizare: Oh no, a guy that can act. He's a gang lord that hires Taye and wants to support Michael Diggs because he's honestly just a nice guy. He would totally help you move and always goes Sun Bro. He tries to talk about institutional racism and inherent unfairness of Michael's situation a couple times but really, he just needs more bootstrap pulling, amirite? He gives Michael custody of his brother in the bro-divorce they go through. Lizare gets to have him run guns every other weekend and some holidays.
Pastor Soul: A priest that has been hanging around in a dilapidated, ruined church for 6 years, waiting for Michael to start his side quest. He often gives Micheal Diggs the advice that "You're Michael Diggs" or "Remember that you're Michael Diggs." or any number of affirmations that he's Michael Diggs. Michael Diggs.
Michael's Lawyer: "Sometimes the Justice, it is dead on arrival"
The Warden: "You are alone, now your journey can begin". The vaguely sinister yet apparently very nice warden of the parking lot and loading dock they swear is totally a prison guys.
(?????): One of Michaels Friends. The movie doesn't deign to give his friends names until late in the movie, after you've been forced to make up new ones for them. His notable characteristic is that 2/3rds of the way through the movie, his brain is deprived of oxygen for 12 minutes, rendering him unable to process metaphors, similes or sarcasm. His name is apparently Brandon, but you find that out as the movies closing.
Jerome: Michaels other best friend, who is his manager that doesn't handle any management. His end game personality is just being kind of a jerk and not understanding consent.
Terrell: Michael's former Don King esque agent. He hangs around basketball courts to scout talent and deliver exposition. He doesn't like his plates dirty and money is his god. He bribes Jose Conseco at one point.
Jammer: The other rival established only to never pay off. He felt betrayed by Michael going to jail as a young fan of his. Michael apologizes for being wrongfully convicted of a crime he didn't commit and for letting him down by being wrongfully sent to jail.
Frank Frondheim: The movies final boss who comes out of nowhere, jettisoning everything established thus far.
Jose Conseco: Yeah I said Jose Conseco earlier. I don't understand why he's here either. Maybe he's like the Fae in the NBC Merlin movies and if you don't pay attention to him he dies. Also those movies were weird and I should rewatch them sometime to see how they stack up.
Ray Walia: The movies producer who comes out of nowhere to be a major part of Michaels team. He's so abrubtly introduced, we keep forgetting he's in the movie.
Fat Sean Hannity: Not Sean Hannity but an Incredible Simulation. Mike's boss at his first job out of prison.
Hustle and Low: The name of my pitch for a movie based around the woman and little person that dominate the main cast during a bizarre out of order basketball sequence. They are 200% the best part of this movie and it should just have been about them hustling people on the court for 2 hours.
The Woman Who Knocks Out Craig Then Does Some Boxing Footwork While Shadow Boxing Afterwards: The hero we need but don't deserve.
So now that I've introduced the characters tonight, I can dive into this shitshow in depth tomorrow! Yay! Hooray for-
*passes out on keyboard*
- Location
- SMS Odette II
After staring at this baffled for a good five minutes I finally realized what it reminded me of.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Sorry, bit of a delay due to some decompression but it will be up before Wed, and more updates coming!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
How is it possible to have a discount Sean Hannity? That's like finding out there's a 33 cent store.
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