However Delon tells Joe that the airframe can't handle much more of that, and so they get the idea to try to spoof the missile by opening the window and firing a flare gun out.
So, how the fuck does he know that? I'm sure ground crews would love to borrow the magical structural stress detector in his brain, I'm sure. Would save a lot of time checking the airframe for cracks. Where the fuck was this guy when we were still designing airliners with square windows?
Oh wait, he's immediately proven wrong when the airframe does an Immelmann at Mach 2. My bad. That makes much more sense.
Actual conversation:
"I'm not going to wear a jacket, its pretty warm out today"
"Moira it's 37 degrees out..."
"Oh, well, that's not good...."
Got really sick and started my new shift at the same time. Good news though! I work a lot of hours on a few select days, so I will have plenty of time for writing. Especially good since Saoirse got laid off at work right when we were going to be doing pretty good. >.>
The actual title of this movie is, and I quote, "The Concorde ... Airport '79". Yes there is an ellipses in the middle of a title, always a great sign. Perhaps its ashamed of being yet another Airport sequel or maybe they were ordered to stay at least 5 characters away from the Concorde name? Such a lack of enthusiasm for its own project but really, they ran out of ideas last movie.
So they arrive in Paris. Everyone gets off the plane and will overnight before the second leg of this trip. An overnight layover naturally makes the entire concept of the Concorde meaningless as they would have gotten to Moscow faster with a direct flight. But everything is pointless in this movie, because man is a fallen creature.
Anyway, they arrive in Paris and they're bombarded by the slightly more competent press who say that 4 different terrorist groups have already taken credit for the previous two attacks. Now, I imagine you, the hypothetical reader, is wondering what our intrepid reporter does next. Did you guess "Goes out to dinner with the guy who just tried to kill her?" Because fuck you, that's what happens. She lets him take her out for dinner where he pinky swears he's going to confess to everything. She says she doesn't believe him and is going to blow this whole deal wide open!
When she gets to Moscow. When she gets to Moscow on the flight that leaves the next day. After two attempts have been made on her life. She doesn't figure it out. If an experimental missile from the company I had dirt on almost killed me, I would be a might bit suspicious. "Huh, that's too weird to be a coincidence." I would think. "He's obviously trying to kill me." A slow person would have figured it out when the F4 Phantom attacked them. F4 Phantoms only rarely attack commercial aircraft. Its almost suspicious or something.
Not our Maggie though. Poor, rock stupid Maggie. Her traitorous beau is of course having people sabotage the plane to try to kill her while he has dinner with her. It's almost like he's committed one of the greatest acts of treason in American history and has everything to lose or something. Maggie of course is more concerned with the fact that she loved Traitor McArmsdealer and his being a traitor feels like a real betrayal of her love. You know what's also a betrayal? Selling weapons to the enemy during multiple wars. That's like, Mega Treason. But lets not let thousands of dead Americans and civilians get in the real of the real tragedy here: You having to hit Snooze on your Biological Clock.
Also, I don't want to tell you how to run your Mega Treason business, but really, she's not that hard to kill buddy. Just have some dudes shoot her during the layover. She hasn't made copies of anything or told anyone. Heck, you're on the hook for treason, do it yourself. Its 1979, you're rich and you have a private jet standing by. Your target has no survival instincts. Do the math and spare innocent lives.
But no, he's committed to Concorde related murder attempts. He's hired a dude to reprogram the cargo doors to open during flight, depressurizing the plane and destroying the airframe. Never mind that they already rolled the window down at Mach 2, reality is flexible here. Everyone who was connecting to Moscow on this flight returns, and they even pick up extra passengers. I mean, hey, what are the odds that anything will happen on this leg of the trip? When you buy a ticket on a plane, you're entered into a suicide pact with your fellow passengers. Oh and I almost forgot, there was a stupid subplot involving Joe getting a date with a woman for the first time after his wife's death and him falling in love with her only to find out she's a sex worker his coworker hired to have sex with him. What does it have to do with anything else? Nothing, not a god damn thing except try to stretch this movie another 15 minutes.
But anyway, the dude sabotages the plane. He gets paid millions to do it but instead of pay him elsewhere, he has the money right there at the airport. No problem though, all he has to do is just bail and he's home free. Deposit the money in some swiss bank account, because its only a six hour drive there. But no, he tapes all the money to himself and tries to walk out through a metal detector. Alas, some bills fall out of his pants. Of course, the nice police officer just wants to return the money the dude lost, but he freaks out and runs away. Zero to Lost His Shit in 5 seconds. Cops didn't even suspect shit but when they chase him, he's killed by the Concorde when he runs across the field. The Concorde craves blood and it doesn't matter whose.
The door opens mid-flight and the plane begins tearing itself apart. Luckily, they're flying over the alps (?!) and he sees his favorite ski resort (?!) and they decide to take it down on the run. Interrobang.
So its at this point I should mention that my dad was a pilot for 35 years, including as a check pilot, pilot instructor, instructor instructor and instructor instructor...instructor. This all seemed so incredibly stupid, I had to fact check this. Its the kind of stupid where its so moronic, you doubt reality for a bit and wonder if there was something going on. Kind of like how if I told you about the double down, you would think I was some kind of lunatic or liar.
"But fried chicken is hot and doesn't absorb all the grease and oil from the bacon and cheese. You would just burn the shit out of your hand if you weren't careful."
"Yeah but its real, they sold it."
"I don't believe you"
*suspicious eyes*
So like, even looking at a Mercator projection would raise some questions here. The southern alps are in fact not in the path of a simple straight line from Paris to Moscow. They are especially also not in the path of the line on a sphere between two points.
Oh no, GEODESICS
So this is so obviously wrong, that I gaslit myself and was like "Maybe there's some reason I'm not familiar with?" and called up my dad to ask him about it. Of course, this led to further discussion.
"Yeah, he looks out the window and sees his favorite ski resort"
*sound of my dad scoffing*
"And he decides to put the plane down on a run"
*bemused laughter* "I hope its a small plane"
"Its the Concorde"
*Derisive laughter*
"Its the Concorde?!"
Sooooo yeah. This is incredibly dumb for reasons so obvious that you might disbelieve that it could actually be so dumb. Its next level stupid. The first movie written during autoerotic asphyxiation. They're belly landing it on a mountain with gaping holes in the fuselage. That doesn't effect anything, because nothing matters here.
Its a good thing they used that soft glass that doesn't shred your face.
There's a fuel leak and everyone starts panicking but Joe yells at everyone and they begin to file off the plane through the ladder rescuers drop down. Maggie is almost one of the first off, but she realizes she forgot the evidence she was carrying and has to run back and get it. I feel I need to repeat that: She almost forgets the evidence that was going to get her and everyone else killed. On the seat of the plane like its a Skymall catalog. How do you function lady?
She gets the evidence just in time though, because after she exits the plane, snow comes rushing in and...uh...sets off the fuel causing the plane to violently explode. Snow of course, is known for its ability to cause jet fuel to combust. Did anyone actually write this movie or was this some sort of Markov chain? The actual snow filling the cabin causes the jet fuel to ignite explosively. The world made sense before this movie.
So she makes it out of the plane and gives a report that everyone is ok and that she will, at a much later time, give an unnamed report on an unnamed subject. Are you fucking with me lady? You're lucky the guy kills himself rather than taking swing number 4, since you haven't figured out why murder attempts keep following you around. Kanye West can do a better job than you and that's because the man was born without a filter. He'd be yelling that Harrison Arms was trying to kill him within seconds of being given that microphone. He wouldn't even need to be given it, he would rip that microphone from someones hands to yell it from the literal mountaintops. He'd write a best selling album around it. "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Investigative Journalism" or maybe "Watch the Military Industrial Complex". He would sample Nixons Resignation and read pages from the report in front of a Murciélago. Pusha T and 2 Chainz would have byline and present exhibits.
I'm in a better place right now.
These movies don't seem to know how to end of course, and it segues from the burning tail of a Concorde to one flying through the sky with triumphant music behind it. Representing...uh, the terms of the use of the Concorde likeless and name?!
This almost feels like the ending of rough porn where they show you everyone is ok and had a good time
....but this goddamn movie.
Maybe it's not anger I feel. This roiling, boiling hot feeling I feel in my stomach might just be me getting gastrointestinal flu or something. Either way, I'm sure the Concorde-movies are to blame.
Everyone who was connecting to Moscow on this flight returns, and they even pick up extra passengers. I mean, hey, what are the odds that anything will happen on this leg of the trip? When you buy a ticket on a plane, you're entered into a suicide pact with your fellow passengers.
Kanye West can do a better job than you and that's because the man was born without a filter. He'd be yelling that Harrison Arms was trying to kill him within seconds of being given that microphone. He wouldn't even need to be given it, he would rip that microphone from someones hands to yell it from the literal mountaintops. He'd write a best selling album around it. "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Investigative Journalism" or maybe "Watch the Military Industrial Complex". He would sample Nixons Resignation and read pages from the report in front of a Murciélago. Pusha T and 2 Chainz would have byline and present exhibits.
