I think the best metaphor for Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets is that moment from Jackie Brown where Ordell is trying to figure out what the fuck is going on from Louis Gara.
" What the fuck happened to you man? Your ass used to be beautiful."
Fifth Element is one of my favorite movies ever. Its arguably one of the best scifi movies of the 90s. Its his spiritual adaption of Valerian. When given the actual rights to make a real Valerian movie, he completely *blew that shit*. The movie is a disaster. I don't mean like an Earthquake or Tornado. Oh no, I mean like a Thanksgiving where your argument with your Uncle Ted about "The Gays", is interrupted by a cat fucking the Turkey.
And none of you own a cat.
Full disclosure: I was on my third beer when the movie started and I finished the pitcher before the movie was half over. I don't think this negatively impacted my viewing experience or my judgement of the movie. Oh no, it only improved the viewing experience. Confident Moira came out and had an amazing time!
The single biggest problem with the movie is that even it doesn't think its plot is interesting. Instead of sticking with it, it wanders off into subplots, only finally begrudgingly getting to the fucking point at last. If the main characters ran around in their underwear shoving random shit in their mouth, we would have a futuristic sequel to Skyrim. At one point, Valerian is knocked unconcious and so Laureline has to find him. To do so, she shoves her head up a jellyfishes asshole to find out he's right where he was when he vanished. 20 seconds later, she's abducted by ugly alien fishermen who run into an ugly aliens only area. So to prevent her being eaten, he naturally has to go to the red light district literally next door to pick up a shapeshifting Rihanna from a facially pierced Ethan "Jolly the Pimp" Hawke. Of course, he first plinks away at a church organ to play hit pop music until Valerian knocks him and his stupid cowboy hat out and wears Rihanna like a suit.
What does this have to do with anything?
Nothing, nothing has anything to do with anything.
The main plot, all 20 minutes of it, is that some Space Aryans were blown up 30 years prior by a heavily sedated Clive Owen. They're perfect beings of pure perfectness and milky white skin. They went from Shell Age hippies to masters of all technology while floating around in random ass space debris. Oh they also spirit orgasm when they die and sometimes find their way into random sociopaths. No not the critically in need of a new agent Clive Owen, I meant Valerian.
Valerian acts like John Wick if he was played like Bill S Preston and Laureline is a heavily concussed Meredith Johnson. We're following two unlikeable sociopaths cargo culting human emotions like "love" and "woah dude". A gelatinous cube would make a better protagonist. The Lady of Pain would project more warmth. A squirrel on acid would stay focused longer. We're supposed to care about him getting with Laureline, believe it or not. However, the writer lived in a cave their whole life while muted romantic comedies were projected on the wall. Did you know true love is giving sensitive material to terrorists? Well Valerian finds that out when he remembers he's a grown ass secret agent with duties and shit.
The movies storytelling is so bad, I have to wonder, like Ordell, what the fuck happened to Luc Besson. You used to be amazing man. You gave us a shitload of classics. How did you forget what the hell you were doing? I can only list a few of its many, many failings.
When they first head to their literal home, their computer gives them a complete breakdown of absolutely everything they already fucking know. They get told what their home is called, told about the aliens that they know live there, talk about the government, talk about the biomes available and talks about where humans fit into the world.
Imagine if real life was like this and whenever you got home from work your phone started in on "THIS IS A HOUSE. AMERICA WAS FOUNDED IN 1776. WOOD COMES FROM TREES. I AM A PHONE. PHONES ARE COMMUNICATIONS DEVICES. YOU LIVE IN A HOME." Its one of the most ridiculous examples of people being told shit they should already know. There isn't even a "As you know" to justify it. This sets an annoying pattern in motion.
The movies primary method of exposition is characters walking up to a screen. "DECLASSIFY" they say, followed by a computer blandly reciting data. Sometimes, things are complicated by things being really classified.
"Please Declassify" they say to a random person. "Ok" he says, and they go and tell the computer to Declassify it so they can get an info dump. But sometimes things are even more complicated and they get told that they can't Declassify. Why? Privacy concerns for the guy who travels around with killbots and has been kidnapped by terrorists armed with spunk cannons. They have to ask really nicely to get that declassified. They get it declassified of course and ARE YOU SICK OF THIS YET?! Because this is how the movie progresses when its not just fucking around elsewhere. This is amateur hour shit. This would get you laughed out of
Literotica much less a fanfic site. When the last info dump plays and he gets told they can't declassified the last bit I just went "OH COME ON" in the theater.
Instead they confront the obviously evil guy who travels around with slick black , inscrutable killbots following secret orders known only to him. The guy who you earlier caught
hooking a dudes balls to a car battery? Yeah it catches everyone completely off guard when he turns out to be evil,
how could it not? But the confrontation is one of the most emblematic moments of the movies faults. Clive "Inside Man Was Great Huh?" Owen's evil general was in a space battle and fired doom guns too close to the Aryan Master Race, destroying their planet. Yes, that's in fact the bulk of the 20 minutes of plot but its handled ineptly to make room for more sidequests. This is roughly, the literal progression of events.
"Or did you know it was inhabited?"
*smash cut to a guy walking up to him*
"Sir its inhabited"
That's comedic timing right there buddy, not drama. I laughed my ass off in the theater with the all the smash cuts to someone telling him shit they accuse him of knowing.
"You killed this random asshole to keep it a secret"
*cut to him shooting that same guy in the face*
Oh and Valerian has a random character inside of him. It doesn't matter at all, its just there for a couple lines of exposition. The shell Aryans are literally perfect though and fuck off somewhere with their superior technology.Fifth Element was a weird, unique, well envisioned universe. Everything was completely off the wall but made internal sense and was memorable for it. There is nothing Green about Valerian because its just random stupid things strung together. There is no POLICE CONTROL or dudes serving Chinese out of puttering hoverboats. There was a compelling plot from start to finish about defeating evil itself. All the cool shit happened along the way and filled out the universe they lived in.
Remember the admiral firing round after round into pure evil? That's a pretty utilitarian scene but its amazingly well realized and furthers the plot. Everything furthers the plot. Valerian is just throwing shit at you. It doesn't even have a twentieth the heart and soul of Fifth Element. It forgets to have a point or a plot.
Its pretty fun to watch drunk and not taking it seriously though. So many stupid things happen in a row you can just keep telling it to people as they sit there bewildered as fuck. Its pretty enough sure, but its got nothing upstairs. Its a hot curly headed girl that walks up to you and starts talking about Building A Wall to keep the Japanese out. Attractive at first but
imminently grating.
Its certainly no Exorcism of Emily Rose while drunk as fuck in Kentucky, the finest of drunk watching experiences. But man, I see this being a great movie to get together and make drinking games with. Here's my first suggestion:
Take a drink every time someone declassifies some shit.
