Number6
Unrepentant Like Addict
- Location
- The Village, Scotland
This must be the Metal Gear movie I keep hearing about...
Project Ludovico
- Thread starter Athene
- Start date
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- Tags
- athenemas film media movie review
This must be the Metal Gear movie I keep hearing about...
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Probably not since we have a number of movies we watched but need to talk about.
Do you have a list of movies that you plan to slog through?
Man with the Iron Fists: [Smashes actions figures together]
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Man with the Iron Fists is quite simply the fevered writings of a 13 year old in the 90s and there is nothing wrong with that.
The RZA plays the Blacksmith, who the movie keeps trying to convince us is the hero of the piece but he's more of its Smigol than its Frodo or Aragorn. He plays a part in the plot but the movie isn't about him except in the most general of terms. The Blacksmith in order to be with his girlfriend, the prostitute Lady Silk, has agreed at her suggestion to make weapons for the indiscriminate killers of Jungle Village, which is controlled by feuding clans with animal themed names. But none of that shit really matters, the movie is really the tale of Jack Knife and X-Blade, KNIFE BROTHERS.
"You merely adopted the edge. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see subtlety until I was already a man."
The inciting event for the plot is that Golden Lion of the Lion Clan has been entrusted by the governor to ensure security of a gold shipment while its in Jungle Village on its way his army. However his subordinate Silver Lion, China's attempt to produce their own Prince under laboratory conditions, has learned about this shipment. Teaming up with Poison Dagger, he has Golden Lion killed during a brawl with the Hyena's and takes over the Lions so that he can seize the gold for himself.
A Purple Reign of Terror
However its not going to be that easy for two reasons: X-Blade and Jack Knife. Zen Yi (the X-Blade) is the son of Golden Lion and is off with his fiance getting wicked sweet matching tats before their marriage, when they get word that Golden Lion has been killed. He says that the wedding will have to wait as he needs to fucking kill some motherfuckers and puts on his Suit of Knives. Its armor almost completely constructed of knives and spikes that all deploy...somehow? And is filled with numerous knife and arrow launchers.
What can I even say?
Knowing that the fucking wicked sweet X-Blade is after them, the Lions hire Bronze Body, a mercenary white dude played by Bautista, who has skin that turns into impenetrable armor on demand and by reflex. Its just like the old saying goes: send a dude with armored skin to kill a dude made of knives. I think Sun Tzu said it or maybe it was Clausewitz, I can never keep track.
Colossus is the property of Marvel Worldwide Inc, a Walt Disney Company.
The second part of this dynamic duo is a drunken Russell Crowe that wandered onto the set and they wrote around whatever the fuck he decided to do. He's Jack Knife and he chooses quality over quantity with his Knife Revolver, a weapon that is both a tiny chainsaw and a Shuriken launcher. Also it has a gun in it when he decides to be boring. We're introduced to him by him walking into Madam Blossom's brothel The Pink Blossom, ordering an entire wing of prostitutes be provided for his enjoyment and him vivisecting a dude named Hippo to establish that he has a fucking awesome knife dude. Aside from being a full time lunatic, he's also an opium addict and the most trusted agent of the Emperor.
Actual Line to the Prostitutes: "You were Business, this is Pleasure"
*KNIFE SPIN*
Oh yeah and the RZA loses his arms halfway through, replaces them while revealing he studied at the Shao Lin Temple which makes him 19th Century Iron Man because Chi. Chi is important but Blacksmith isn't. He's just a Checkov's Gun to kill the final boss and part of other people's backstory. Let's talk about more interesting things.
See you later Opium Cowboy.
The gold is guarded by the tragically under-used Gemini Twins who have melee weapons that combine to form the Taijitu and have a martial arts style that's a mix of a Gymkata floor routine and Dancing with the Thigh Guns. Unfortunately they get taken out by poison by Poison Scrub, which is a shame because I'd rather have more of them than say, Blacksmith's boring as fuck backstory.
"Oh shit they're about to do something RAD AS HELL"
With them sadly dead and the gold stolen, a time pressure has been introduced: The Governor has sent out his Jackals to recover the gold and kill everyone in Jungle Village if even a single piece is missing. Blacksmith has been explaining the story with a faux-deep narration but informs us that "These Motherfuckers Got a Gatling Gun" and so that would be quite bad and nobody would stand a chance against them. So its up to JACK KNIFE AND X-BLADE TO PUT AN END TO THIS SHIT BRO. Also Blacksmith is there, he's very boring and poor RZA can't fight well so let's not waste time on our title character shall we?
"Hello, I'll be vastly more interesting"
The setup for the final battle of course, is that Madam Blossom has offered a secret trap filled location for them to hide the gold but its really all a deception: She's secretly the leader of the Black Widows, a gang of poison using Ninja Prostitutes who will strike at the Silver Lions and steal the gold. How any of this will prevent the Jackals from simply "Motherfucking Gatling Gunning" everyone to death when nobody can shit them the gold is a concern for other movies. What really matters is that this will set up a free for all between the Ninja Prostitutes, Lions and KNIFE BROS (with Iron Fist) in a winner take all battle. Lives will be taken, grudges will be settled, Blacksmith's ninja girlfriend will be killed while the movie can only care for a single scene and then forgets about it.
Probably because of all the way more radical shit going on.
Man with the Iron Fists is an entertaining movie let down by a few factors. Namely the RZA, who seems like a really nice guy and he's not really that bad but the plot is a mess, he doesn't matter as a character and he needs a lot more fight training and should have had someone more experienced helm this thing. This is a movie that inexplicably cuts to comic book frame edits for several scenes, and I guess that's because RZA found that shit in Final Cut Pro and had to use it. When it focuses on other people, its pure 13 year old stream of consciousness writing makes it enormously enjoyable and when focusing on people with more skilled physicality the action is the kind of crazy that works. Its the kind of movie where you can grab your intoxicating beverage of choice and have a really great time and fuck it actually being good. Its pure dumb fun, with a wide array of extremely fun and often pure camp characters.
Or to put it simply: TWO KNIVES UP
The RZA plays the Blacksmith, who the movie keeps trying to convince us is the hero of the piece but he's more of its Smigol than its Frodo or Aragorn. He plays a part in the plot but the movie isn't about him except in the most general of terms. The Blacksmith in order to be with his girlfriend, the prostitute Lady Silk, has agreed at her suggestion to make weapons for the indiscriminate killers of Jungle Village, which is controlled by feuding clans with animal themed names. But none of that shit really matters, the movie is really the tale of Jack Knife and X-Blade, KNIFE BROTHERS.
"You merely adopted the edge. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see subtlety until I was already a man."
The inciting event for the plot is that Golden Lion of the Lion Clan has been entrusted by the governor to ensure security of a gold shipment while its in Jungle Village on its way his army. However his subordinate Silver Lion, China's attempt to produce their own Prince under laboratory conditions, has learned about this shipment. Teaming up with Poison Dagger, he has Golden Lion killed during a brawl with the Hyena's and takes over the Lions so that he can seize the gold for himself.
A Purple Reign of Terror
However its not going to be that easy for two reasons: X-Blade and Jack Knife. Zen Yi (the X-Blade) is the son of Golden Lion and is off with his fiance getting wicked sweet matching tats before their marriage, when they get word that Golden Lion has been killed. He says that the wedding will have to wait as he needs to fucking kill some motherfuckers and puts on his Suit of Knives. Its armor almost completely constructed of knives and spikes that all deploy...somehow? And is filled with numerous knife and arrow launchers.
What can I even say?
Knowing that the fucking wicked sweet X-Blade is after them, the Lions hire Bronze Body, a mercenary white dude played by Bautista, who has skin that turns into impenetrable armor on demand and by reflex. Its just like the old saying goes: send a dude with armored skin to kill a dude made of knives. I think Sun Tzu said it or maybe it was Clausewitz, I can never keep track.
Colossus is the property of Marvel Worldwide Inc, a Walt Disney Company.
Actual Line to the Prostitutes: "You were Business, this is Pleasure"
*KNIFE SPIN*
Oh yeah and the RZA loses his arms halfway through, replaces them while revealing he studied at the Shao Lin Temple which makes him 19th Century Iron Man because Chi. Chi is important but Blacksmith isn't. He's just a Checkov's Gun to kill the final boss and part of other people's backstory. Let's talk about more interesting things.
See you later Opium Cowboy.
The gold is guarded by the tragically under-used Gemini Twins who have melee weapons that combine to form the Taijitu and have a martial arts style that's a mix of a Gymkata floor routine and Dancing with the Thigh Guns. Unfortunately they get taken out by poison by Poison Scrub, which is a shame because I'd rather have more of them than say, Blacksmith's boring as fuck backstory.
"Oh shit they're about to do something RAD AS HELL"
With them sadly dead and the gold stolen, a time pressure has been introduced: The Governor has sent out his Jackals to recover the gold and kill everyone in Jungle Village if even a single piece is missing. Blacksmith has been explaining the story with a faux-deep narration but informs us that "These Motherfuckers Got a Gatling Gun" and so that would be quite bad and nobody would stand a chance against them. So its up to JACK KNIFE AND X-BLADE TO PUT AN END TO THIS SHIT BRO. Also Blacksmith is there, he's very boring and poor RZA can't fight well so let's not waste time on our title character shall we?
"Hello, I'll be vastly more interesting"
The setup for the final battle of course, is that Madam Blossom has offered a secret trap filled location for them to hide the gold but its really all a deception: She's secretly the leader of the Black Widows, a gang of poison using Ninja Prostitutes who will strike at the Silver Lions and steal the gold. How any of this will prevent the Jackals from simply "Motherfucking Gatling Gunning" everyone to death when nobody can shit them the gold is a concern for other movies. What really matters is that this will set up a free for all between the Ninja Prostitutes, Lions and KNIFE BROS (with Iron Fist) in a winner take all battle. Lives will be taken, grudges will be settled, Blacksmith's ninja girlfriend will be killed while the movie can only care for a single scene and then forgets about it.
Probably because of all the way more radical shit going on.
Man with the Iron Fists is an entertaining movie let down by a few factors. Namely the RZA, who seems like a really nice guy and he's not really that bad but the plot is a mess, he doesn't matter as a character and he needs a lot more fight training and should have had someone more experienced helm this thing. This is a movie that inexplicably cuts to comic book frame edits for several scenes, and I guess that's because RZA found that shit in Final Cut Pro and had to use it. When it focuses on other people, its pure 13 year old stream of consciousness writing makes it enormously enjoyable and when focusing on people with more skilled physicality the action is the kind of crazy that works. Its the kind of movie where you can grab your intoxicating beverage of choice and have a really great time and fuck it actually being good. Its pure dumb fun, with a wide array of extremely fun and often pure camp characters.
Or to put it simply: TWO KNIVES UP
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Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I will formally make the list but Jupiter Ascending is our Cheaterly pick for the next movie because we view it as the 13 year old fanfic counterpart to Man with the Iron Fists.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Also, Jack Knife graphically vivisecs a dude among other bits of extreme gore I probably can't show but the movie has zero nudity and you have sex scenes where someone is allegedly performing cunnilingus through a pair of jean shorts.
Sufficient Juice
A steady supply of vitamins
- Location
- The carbohydrates
No titties, that's how you know this is a respectable Hollywood production and not some mindless filth!
Edit: oh jesus he's named Jack Knife I went through the entire post without realizing
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all fictions
I hate you! (it's not against the rules!)
- Location
- Mons Regius
- Pronouns
- He/Him
This movie needs to be a comic.
It's a shame you already have a list of movies in mind, because I just discovered an obscure director named Neil Breen and his movies, well...
It's a shame you already have a list of movies in mind, because I just discovered an obscure director named Neil Breen and his movies, well...
samdamandias
Apprentice Plane Wizard
How about "I can see the wires"?
teslashark
One of the brother site’s janitors
- Location
- Somewhere
I think The Iron Monkey is also pretty bad for an American Kungfu movie... Kind of surprised that it's not the same with The Man With The Iron Fists.
Jupiter Ascending:THERE'S NOT EVEN TIME FOR NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
If Man with the Iron Fists is the ramblings of a hyper 12 year old in the 90s, then Jupiter Ascending is a 15 year year old girls Slick Fic.
In my head canon it's Tina Belcher
Jupiter Ascending is the story of Caine Wise, a disgraced Werewolf Angel who is brooding, handsome and generally perfect except for some flaws that a good woman can fix. He is succinctly, a Flawless Rescue Stud, the gender flip of the Manic Pixie Dream girl. He is a project of Jupiter Jones, the woman played by Mila Kunis, not Baby Fatso, natural mistake. She's the alleged protagonist of the movie but she can be replaced by 115 pounds of pork shavings in a duffle bag and it would have very little effect on the plot. She exists merely to get tossed from person to person and be the most gullible person in a very crowded galaxy.
Shown here marrying one of the villains.
She's the exact genetic match for the mother of the Abraxos siblings, wealthy space vampire plantation owners, one of whomLowtalker Lockjaw Balem Abrasax is the owner of the Planet Earth. Life began out there and galactic society has become allegedly post scarcity except for one thing: Time itself. Enter Nectar: It can perpetually renew your DNA and grant you eternal youth for all time as long as you have it, and its the most valuable substance in the universe. Its made from People of course, nobody cares.
"Nobody cares dude, we're just here to enforce property rights"
So the stakes are that Jupiter is owner of Factory Farm Earth and the three Abraxas siblings Lowtalker Balem, Obviously Lying Titus and Explainer of Things Whatever Her Face are going to fight over Duffel Gal. But luckily she has her Skyjacker Caine. He used to be in the legion until he tore a Royals throat out and told he's a bad boy and loses his Angel Wings. Luckily he still has his wicked awesome Grav Boots that act like anti gravity ice skates and wrist mounted energy buckler, which allow him to be completely fucking awesome and his genetic modifications allow him to smell your DNA.
Beneath his tough exterior, he's a Good Boy. A VERY GOOD BOY.
*scritches behind his ears*
He's going to need all his wicked sweetness and radiant hotness, because she's going to put the poor bastard through some dumb shit that he has to rescue her from. He's got to:
"Yeah I'll just save the day again while you gape at things"
In return she rescues him from loneliness and gives him a good woman to love and protect, mostly protect. Oh and she almost solves a problem once on her own agency but it vanishes quickly. This dude is putting in some serious work this movie but he finally gets his wings back and Sean Bean lives to the surprise of everyone including the movie. Jupiter goes back to her old life but with a new boyfriend because why improve things for anyone, that would take some independence.
Or maybe that's for the best given her track record.
I'm doing this review real fast because we've already seen it and its one of those movies where you need either under a thousand or over ten thousand to discuss it but what do I think about it? Its a fun watch if you're looking for a dumb romance action movie but with the caveat that this movie has the kinetic energy of a Jack Russel Terrier on trucker pills trying to catch a Hummingbird on speed. If you have trouble following frenetic action on screen, you're going to be lost and its not just the action, the pacing of this movie is bonkers. Things happen at at the speed of a teenage girl from the 90s telling you about her day. If you can deal with that and the useless main character, Tatum and Bean are amazing and the movie has an amazing style in an amazing universe.
Its just all really dumb but also a really fun chick flick. Stinger/Caine probably already exists, I would bet on it.
P.S: Jupiter probably trades the Earth for Magic Beans six minutes after the movie ends.
In my head canon it's Tina Belcher
Shown here marrying one of the villains.
She's the exact genetic match for the mother of the Abraxos siblings, wealthy space vampire plantation owners, one of whom
"Nobody cares dude, we're just here to enforce property rights"
So the stakes are that Jupiter is owner of Factory Farm Earth and the three Abraxas siblings Lowtalker Balem, Obviously Lying Titus and Explainer of Things Whatever Her Face are going to fight over Duffel Gal. But luckily she has her Skyjacker Caine. He used to be in the legion until he tore a Royals throat out and told he's a bad boy and loses his Angel Wings. Luckily he still has his wicked awesome Grav Boots that act like anti gravity ice skates and wrist mounted energy buckler, which allow him to be completely fucking awesome and his genetic modifications allow him to smell your DNA.
Beneath his tough exterior, he's a Good Boy. A VERY GOOD BOY.
*scritches behind his ears*
He's going to need all his wicked sweetness and radiant hotness, because she's going to put the poor bastard through some dumb shit that he has to rescue her from. He's got to:
- Fight an armada of Sectoids in space fighters
- Fight off S&M bounty hunters
- Fist fight his bee bro Stinger (played by Sean Bean) while talking about their feelings
- Get her back from the S&M bounty hunters
- Rescue her from the Explainer\Plot Enabler
- Go through the Space DMV.
- Charge through a "Warhammer Field" with Stinger in a space fighter shaped like an Angel to stop her willingly marrying the villain
- Dive through the Red Spot on Jupiter to rescue that dummy after she willingly went along with another villain because she sold out the entire population of Earth for five people because the villains totally pinky swore they wouldn't do shit and that means something Cynthia, you bitch
- Fist fight leather jacket wearing dragon men
- Rescue her some more, Jesus Fucking Christ.
"Yeah I'll just save the day again while you gape at things"
In return she rescues him from loneliness and gives him a good woman to love and protect, mostly protect. Oh and she almost solves a problem once on her own agency but it vanishes quickly. This dude is putting in some serious work this movie but he finally gets his wings back and Sean Bean lives to the surprise of everyone including the movie. Jupiter goes back to her old life but with a new boyfriend because why improve things for anyone, that would take some independence.
Or maybe that's for the best given her track record.
I'm doing this review real fast because we've already seen it and its one of those movies where you need either under a thousand or over ten thousand to discuss it but what do I think about it? Its a fun watch if you're looking for a dumb romance action movie but with the caveat that this movie has the kinetic energy of a Jack Russel Terrier on trucker pills trying to catch a Hummingbird on speed. If you have trouble following frenetic action on screen, you're going to be lost and its not just the action, the pacing of this movie is bonkers. Things happen at at the speed of a teenage girl from the 90s telling you about her day. If you can deal with that and the useless main character, Tatum and Bean are amazing and the movie has an amazing style in an amazing universe.
Its just all really dumb but also a really fun chick flick. Stinger/Caine probably already exists, I would bet on it.
P.S: Jupiter probably trades the Earth for Magic Beans six minutes after the movie ends.
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Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Original script: DONUT STEEL
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Jupiter Ascending
A Script by Val Hoffer
So there's this girl Jupiter and she's like, from Russia but she's here illegally and she's not me and her dad is dead and her family is butts to her just like my family totally doesn't get me and they make her clean rooms ALL THE TIME anyway she like, wants to get a telescope so her cousin has her sell her eggs but her mom is mean anyway, she is gonna sell the eggs and make lots of money for them and she has a friend who is going to marry a rich dude but she like, doesn't love him but that doesn't matter because she gets attacked by space aliens that look like grays only more spidery and jupiter is in the closet watching but her mom calls, embarassing her in front of all her friends, I mean all the the aliens who attack her and erase her mind like I wish i could whenever my mom calls to ANNOY MEA Script by Val Hoffer
She wakes up and goes to the doctor but the doctors are also aliens and they attack her but this really cute damaged dude who looks like Craig, that senior from Mountain View High with the cool motorcycle and I think he got a tattoo and he's sooooooo cute but anyway he rescues her and he changes her clothes and she's like no way and they totally don't get along but you know they're going to totally make love later because you always hate people you truly love to start, my mom just hates my dad that's why they got a divorce but anyway, more aliens show up, they attack everyone and like, they zoom around on his GRAV SKATES which are awesome and make his calves really hot but they zoom around and there are lasers shooting everywhere and thousands of people die and all the buildings in chicago get blown up and Jupiter is like "ERGMAGAH ALIENS" and Caine who is so hot is like, nobody will know about this because they just rebuild everything in a couple days and nobody remebers and Jupiter is like NO WAY but Craig I mean Caine takes her to his best friends house and his friend is a bee and his name is Stinger and he's a bee single father who's house is filled with bees and the bees all swarm around Jupiter because bees know royalty and she's totes a queen and Stinger tries to explain stuff but things break down and he fist fights with Cain and its so hot and they're in touch with their feelings and Caine is dangerous but hot and he's really good inside.
Anyway the hot chick earlier wtih the purple hair and her Fifty Shades of Gray crew show up and they're like, woah, we need to protect Jupiter from them but Jupiter gets captured but the Hot Topic chick who is totally hot wait am I bi that's weird, anyway, she takes her to the other place, the sisters place and they like, talk a bunch and she's their mother and she's really rich and they have a weird incesty thing that is SO GROSS but all her kids have that and its weird.
So Caine comes and rescues her and shoots all the robomen but the lady is like "nah we cool" and they go to this one planet that's the homeworld with the space cops and they do a bunch of paperwork with a gay robot that shoots bribes out of his hand like a nerf gun but she's a space queen but she gets captured because STINGER WENT BAD and like, Cain gets blasted out into space and her creepy sort of son is like "MARRY ME MOM" and she's like "K, that sounds good" but he's not a nice dude like he pretends, he really is just jealous like that bitch Cynthia, anyway he's going to marry her, maybe have sex a few times and kill her off. But Cain is rescued by the space cops who are all awesome and he makes up with Stinger because stinger had good reasons he's a good dad and they're best friends forever and they work together and they get in these giant spaceships that are totes angels and they're really cool because nothing in this universe has moving parts except for the stuff that does and the engines and guns and everything all float and its cooool.
Anyway the marriage is taking place and they are cybering on a ring to her finger and when its done engraving or whatever they'll be married gross, but Cain and Stinger fight their way through this cloud of weird land mine space thingys that are all shape changing and cool and he's got to save her because he really loves her but he can't tell her that but he does and he crashes the ship into the side and stops the wedding and they're going to be SOOO HAPPY and the aegis is like "What's all this then" and creepy ddue is all "Yeah you're stupid bitch, get rekt" and they take her home.
But when she gets home they are all oh no, dragon dude and my family is gone and the evil dude who is a deer and works for other creepy son who wants to fuck his mom is all "WE HAVE YOUR MOM" and she's like "I NEED TO SAVE THEM" and like Caine is like "NOOO WAI" but the villains totally pinky swear that she'll be fine but oh no they betray them and the evil dude is like "MOTHER I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU BUT ALSO I HAVE YOUR MOM, GIVE ME THE EARTH" and she's about to sign away the whole human race for like, seven people she doesn't even like that much but they're family and you have to stick by your dick mom and stuff but CAINE AND STINGER TALK ABOUT FEELINGS and how Caine totally loves her and he needs to go after her and he flies through the RED SPOT OF JUPITER and its all coming back around I guess, Jupiter, Jupiter, whatever, iot doesn't matter, anyway he goes down and KICKS EVERYONES BUTT before she can fuck over everyone and then like, she almost dies a bunch and he has to save her and she can't even just kill the villain who killed his mom but Caine rescues them and they go home and they made everyone forget and lol they're living the same exact life but now she messes around with grav boots but Caine who is not only a dog but an angel has gotten his wings back and everything is fine, whatevers.
THE END
Sufficient Juice
A steady supply of vitamins
- Location
- The carbohydrates
Is this movie even complete? I'm trying to wrap my head around so much nonsense and the only solution I can find is "essential scenes didn't make it into the film". Like, the Queen of the Universe returning to cleaning toilets is simply not the actual ending.
Night_stalker
Slava Ukraini!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hey, looking for suggestions?
How about Repo, the Genetic Opera?
How about Repo, the Genetic Opera?
Night_stalker
Slava Ukraini!
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The Purge was a movie with A Lot To Say about Wealth Inequality but delivered it with the lack of self-awareness of a Bernie Sanders supporter illegally parking their Tesla in a handicap spot and then lecturing you about the 1%. Oh there was some good satire hidden in the margins but it shot itself in the foot from the beginning by focusing on the plight of the Not Quite So Rich and their efforts to sit on the sidelines of the annual Crypteia. Any meaning it had was lost and it played its outlandish concept too close to the chest instead of swinging for the fences.
"Fuck it" says the sequel "I'm not a horror movie this time, I'm a motherfucking action movie. EAT THE RICH, VALHALLA."
If Noam Chomsky went insane and mainlined cocaine while watching Starz Action, he would emerge gaunt and wide-eyed a month later with a copy Purge: Anarchy's script. It realizes that its setup is too insane for subtlety to work so burn it all down. It follows the advice that Jerry Lewis once gave to Conan O'Brien and anyone he could pin down at a party: Tell the audience what you are going to do, then do it and then tell them it is done. We know who the bad guys are from the start, the movie tells you its essential themes repeatedly, it never tries to be subtle and it holds your hand all the way through because after people failed to see any satire or meaning in the first movie, its going to passive aggressively make sure you fucking get it this time. The movie has heard of shades of gray and despises all half measures.
The Purge is a system created by the immensely fascist New Founding Fathers to insert Trump joke here, whereby for 12 hours all crime is legal, so that everyone can Release The Beast and lower crime for the rest of the year. It maintains its a perfectly fair system that's the right of Every American but is really designed to eliminate the underclasses. The Rich are able to make the most of every Purge and enjoy it in absolute safety and comfort, going so far as to pay people to bring Purge Martyrs in to their armored compounds. However this rather safe approach to the Purge is upsetting the government, and so it is now sending out death squads to assist the process of reducing the number of Americans living in poverty via 5.56mm assistance programs.
The party for this socially conscious version of The Warriors consists of a mysterious Police Sergeant who went out on the purge armed for bear looking for a specific target, who against his better judgement rescues a poor mother, her daughter and a middle class couple who's car broke down slightly after their failing marriage leaving them stranded. What is he saving them from? An anti-government death squad lead by Big Daddy, the personification of the audiences conservative Dad and every thanksgiving dinner argument you've ever had about social programs and Obama. Hell, he even looks like a younger version of my dad.
However rather than kicking me out of the house for having views of my own for the fiftieth time, he's out killing the poor and he gets real mad that his dudes are dead, because they were just following orders and doing their patriotic duty by killing everyone in a housing project. So now with their very own Immorten Joe after them, they have to survive the night with the occasional help of Occupy Purge resistance fighters that are crowdsourcing some death to rich whiteys . Who was Sergeant going to kill and will he go through with it? How many of the party will survive? How heavy handed can this get? You'll find out and more if you watch it.
Purge: Anarchy works as a fun, dumb action movie in the vein of The Warriors or Escape from New York with a bit of a fun political edge assuming you are in line with its politics. If you made a "Make America Great" joke again during the opening credits this movie is going to be a fun ride. Its a movie that would probably rack up infraction points on an internet message board but you appreciate them taking a hit for the team to tell off some asshole. This is the wish fulfillment movie where being socially active on the internet not only makes you right but can save your life. There is again, no subtlety to this work.
I also have to support it for being a 9 million dollar action movie that pulls in a cool $71M domestic. Dear fucking Christ, let's get movies like this instead of Found Footage Movie #67945: The Wrath of the Auto-Focus. It's got a sequel coming out that looks like its going to be even more over the top thanks to jettisoning its fucks like a drug runner in a cigarette boat dumping packages as they try to escape the Coast Guard.
"Fuck it" says the sequel "I'm not a horror movie this time, I'm a motherfucking action movie. EAT THE RICH, VALHALLA."
If Noam Chomsky went insane and mainlined cocaine while watching Starz Action, he would emerge gaunt and wide-eyed a month later with a copy Purge: Anarchy's script. It realizes that its setup is too insane for subtlety to work so burn it all down. It follows the advice that Jerry Lewis once gave to Conan O'Brien and anyone he could pin down at a party: Tell the audience what you are going to do, then do it and then tell them it is done. We know who the bad guys are from the start, the movie tells you its essential themes repeatedly, it never tries to be subtle and it holds your hand all the way through because after people failed to see any satire or meaning in the first movie, its going to passive aggressively make sure you fucking get it this time. The movie has heard of shades of gray and despises all half measures.
The Purge is a system created by the immensely fascist New Founding Fathers to insert Trump joke here, whereby for 12 hours all crime is legal, so that everyone can Release The Beast and lower crime for the rest of the year. It maintains its a perfectly fair system that's the right of Every American but is really designed to eliminate the underclasses. The Rich are able to make the most of every Purge and enjoy it in absolute safety and comfort, going so far as to pay people to bring Purge Martyrs in to their armored compounds. However this rather safe approach to the Purge is upsetting the government, and so it is now sending out death squads to assist the process of reducing the number of Americans living in poverty via 5.56mm assistance programs.
The party for this socially conscious version of The Warriors consists of a mysterious Police Sergeant who went out on the purge armed for bear looking for a specific target, who against his better judgement rescues a poor mother, her daughter and a middle class couple who's car broke down slightly after their failing marriage leaving them stranded. What is he saving them from? An anti-government death squad lead by Big Daddy, the personification of the audiences conservative Dad and every thanksgiving dinner argument you've ever had about social programs and Obama. Hell, he even looks like a younger version of my dad.
However rather than kicking me out of the house for having views of my own for the fiftieth time, he's out killing the poor and he gets real mad that his dudes are dead, because they were just following orders and doing their patriotic duty by killing everyone in a housing project. So now with their very own Immorten Joe after them, they have to survive the night with the occasional help of Occupy Purge resistance fighters that are crowdsourcing some death to rich whiteys . Who was Sergeant going to kill and will he go through with it? How many of the party will survive? How heavy handed can this get? You'll find out and more if you watch it.
Purge: Anarchy works as a fun, dumb action movie in the vein of The Warriors or Escape from New York with a bit of a fun political edge assuming you are in line with its politics. If you made a "Make America Great" joke again during the opening credits this movie is going to be a fun ride. Its a movie that would probably rack up infraction points on an internet message board but you appreciate them taking a hit for the team to tell off some asshole. This is the wish fulfillment movie where being socially active on the internet not only makes you right but can save your life. There is again, no subtlety to this work.
I also have to support it for being a 9 million dollar action movie that pulls in a cool $71M domestic. Dear fucking Christ, let's get movies like this instead of Found Footage Movie #67945: The Wrath of the Auto-Focus. It's got a sequel coming out that looks like its going to be even more over the top thanks to jettisoning its fucks like a drug runner in a cigarette boat dumping packages as they try to escape the Coast Guard.
- Location
- Portland, OR
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The Purge: Anarchy is an interesting movie, it's over the top, satisfying, and amusingly unsubtle in a way that only people who would play contemporary political slogans over images of state sanctioned massacres really can be. It's fun in a very dark way, the sort of thing I'd come up with at the end of a bad day as I console myself with a Warhammer 40,000 book and a glass of rum spiked with coke. Everything about this movie is a hammer directly between the eyes, "Do you get it now?! Wealth inequality! Racial income gap! The one percent! The state is a tool of capitalist oppression! Do! You! Get! It!" It's an argument you expect to hear from the only anarcho-communist you know at three in the morning on IRC, only far more fun, because at the end of the day, as ugly as this universe is, there's a fair bit of hope presented. It keeps the movie from being a total downer, in much the same way that your drunk three o clock argument with that anarcho-communist doesn't.
As for the movie itself, in a lot of ways it's fairly predictable if you know the premise, as are the characters. Middle class couple are whiny and annoying as middle class couples are wont to be. The daughter is the heart of the movie, the mother is quietly strong, the sergeant grouchy and vaguely menacing. You know, the usual. It's a formulaic movie, but it works. Not because of any particular stroke of genius, but more because they decided to take what had been an excuse not to have the police show up and ruin the first movie's home invasion party, and actually... you know, use the setting to its full potential. As much as I may mock this movie (because let's be honest, 12 hours of suspended emergency services and legal crime would probably shatter the economy), it's the very fact that they play this ridiculous setting completely seriously that makes this movie so fun. This is a movie that knows it's dumb, but it wants you to forget that for 100 minutes and just consider the possibility. And if you can do that you'll have a lot of fun, I certainly did.
As for the movie itself, in a lot of ways it's fairly predictable if you know the premise, as are the characters. Middle class couple are whiny and annoying as middle class couples are wont to be. The daughter is the heart of the movie, the mother is quietly strong, the sergeant grouchy and vaguely menacing. You know, the usual. It's a formulaic movie, but it works. Not because of any particular stroke of genius, but more because they decided to take what had been an excuse not to have the police show up and ruin the first movie's home invasion party, and actually... you know, use the setting to its full potential. As much as I may mock this movie (because let's be honest, 12 hours of suspended emergency services and legal crime would probably shatter the economy), it's the very fact that they play this ridiculous setting completely seriously that makes this movie so fun. This is a movie that knows it's dumb, but it wants you to forget that for 100 minutes and just consider the possibility. And if you can do that you'll have a lot of fun, I certainly did.
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Sufficient Juice
A steady supply of vitamins
- Location
- The carbohydrates
Frank Grillo plays a perfect Punisher, like, he should be an honorary member of the Frank Castle Actors Club (president: Jon Bernthal).
Also please review the third movie when it comes out. The Purge: Election Year releases on early July, will be in cinemas during Independence Day, with a tagline of "Keep America Great". Expect glory.
Also please review the third movie when it comes out. The Purge: Election Year releases on early July, will be in cinemas during Independence Day, with a tagline of "Keep America Great". Expect glory.
all fictions
I hate you! (it's not against the rules!)
- Location
- Mons Regius
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Freud was right!
With a Senator that might or might not be a sexier Elizabeth Warren!
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