Sufficient Juice
A steady supply of vitamins
- Location
- The carbohydrates
Yeah I know, it was that Tony Stank thing that was in cinemas, right?
Hail Hydra.
Project Ludovico
- Thread starter Athene
- Start date
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- Tags
- athenemas film media movie review
Hail Hydra.
Number6
Unrepentant Like Addict
- Location
- The Village, Scotland
Wait WHAT??
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Roadhouse is an American Classic.
Number6
Unrepentant Like Addict
- Location
- The Village, Scotland
Every day, I find a new reason to be glad my family moved back to Scotland.
Last Ounce of Courage: [Patriotic Music Intensifies as Santa Claus is waterboarded]
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Last Ounce of Courage is a movie for people who were born without a sense of Irony.
It takes place in an alternate reality where nobody and everybody simultaneously celebrates Christmas and Ohio is nestled deep in the Rocky Mountains. It drapes itself in Post 9/11 patriotism so thick you can cut it with a Jeb Bush Guacamole Bowl and flying "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banners in the year of our Lord 2012. It's probably the first thing I've ever seen that treats the War on Christmas as if it were an actual war to be fought. This movie has more snare drums than Aliens.
BobJesusman Revere is a veteran of the Southeast Asian Stock Footage War and a biker in the "Hellfighters Ministries" which is an IRL group that forbids anyone who engages in homosexual acts which must be awkward considering he's played by the guy who played Jimmy in Roadhouse.
Never Forget 07
He's proud of his son Tom who is in the Army and is off to fight in...uh...Iraqistan? Its never made clear where exactly he's deploying to and the filmmakers don't seem to have a firm grasp on geopolitics so its anyone's guess. The desert filter they put over all the shots of guys hanging around in warehouses, auto garages and other buildings strongly implies Iraq, as does a bunch of apologist arguments for getting involved. Regardless, he spends his days firing at things off camera and relaxes by talking about how great it is to be alive, how much he loves his wife, writing letters back home talking about their inevitable future, how much he looks forward to being a father to his newborn son and looking at family photos.
"I can't wait to live longer"
We're told that the days went by like all days in all years back home when suddenly to the shock of everyone, they're informed of their sons death, his completely unpredictedable death. Tom's wife Cory leaves with her son Christian Revere (Yes, really) and Bob feels betrayed because they should stay around and be there for him. He packs up his motorcycle and settles down. Therapy is apparently unchristian or something, so he proceeds to stew for a decade and a half.
Cut to 14 years later and he is the mayor of this town, he runs a business of repute. He looks to you to sort this out and be as patient as you can. I'm sorry, I was in a better place for a moment there and lost track of this stinkburger.
Oh Les Mis, you help me out in times of trouble.
Anyway, he runs a drugstore that's quickly forgotten about where he treats biker gang injuries without alerting the cops and is also the Mayor of town at the same time. He also runs a mission that's owned by the local government that's going to get federal funding. Nora and Christian show up for Thanksgiving and then...never leave, but in the meantime they give Christian his dad's old footlocker and watch old Christmas movies of his father and JJ.
"Who's JJ" inquires Christian.
"Oh your father's older sister, she left before you were born. We don't see her very often."
"Why?"
"She didn't feel the same way about things that Bob and I felt were important"
*Bob looking disappointed*
"Why don't people celebrate Christmas like this anymore"
No follow up questions kid? Nothing like "What things?". Your grandparents just offhand mentioned disowning your aunt, their daughter and you have zero followup to it? Is she a liberal? Anti-War? The L Word? I would have a little something more to ask about it but its a war on Christmas Movie. So we get to hear about how people wanted Christmas banned and its all "Santa Claus and Buying Things now"
Meanwhile in the very video they're watching
So we learn that before Tom left, Bob whispered to him that he was to defend freedom until his last ounce of courage. Maybe I'm a bit embittered but I don't really see what that has to do with his deployment to Iraqistan but this is a Christmas movie released on September 11th, so maybe its all apart of Never Forgetting. Anyway, the movie seemlessly introduces some girl with a nebulous relationship that basically becomes Christian's Sister as he's taken to the principles office because he had a bible.
In a school. DUN DUN DUN DUN.
He's let off with a warning this time but the kindly janitor has to explain to the Mayor of the Town that having a bible in a public school isn't something you can legally prohibit. Bob as the apparent new legal guardian of Christian (His mom isn't there when the cops were called) goes back in to confront the principle about it with all the steadfast surety of someone who just got constitutional rights advice from the Janitor. He's told that the school is afraid of lawsuits and that's why they've forbidden bibles.
This is about the only circumstance that would actually happen.
If you banned bibles and called the police on anyone who was found in possession of them, you'd have a team of lawyers directly inside your asshole before you could even blink. Lawyers in a hundred mile radius would get erections the second you even contemplated that move. This is setting up the core concept of the movie (There is no validity to anything against religion) but the plot hasn't kicked off yet, oh no.
The driving action is of course, Bill O'Reilly. In fact an episode of the O'Reilly Factor I saw from 2011 that they've cropped to remove the news scroll and subject, which causes a bit on a paradox on when this episode takes place but whatever. O'Reilly's stirring defense of Christmas against the ACLU leads Christian to ask Bob what his father died for if Christmas is under attack. This causes Bob to decide to take back Christmas.
He spends several hours googling and this gives him all the information he needs to take back a major holiday from the ACLU and those Santa Lovers. He's going to decorate the whole town for Christmas and make it a Christmas town but must face his deadliest foe: THE ACLU.
"I love it when a protest comes together"
The ACLU in this is of course all powerful but has no actual foundation, they're just anti-American bullies that rely on fear and intimidation as there are no legal grounds to prevent say, Bob having the city government own and operate a church mission with a giant cross telling everyone Jesus Saves. There can't possibly be any legal basis, its all fear because "one person complained" about the cross.
The movie juggles some other subplots about a school play the effete drama teacher is producing that doesn't include Jesus that replaces him with an Alien and Christian and his I guess now Sister planning to sabotage. It doesn't matter much to the ongoing movie but it will form the basis of the second climax of the movie. Christian also watches videos of Tom that he took in Iraq, his mom gets into a lukewarm romance with a childhood friend of her and her late husband, and Bob gets swift boated for some reason?
This is to tie the whole military, 9/11 angle into the War on Christmas fight, because these two disparate things are incredibly connected I tell you. So connected that when asked about his grandfather's alleged stolen valor by the liberal news, his grandson (The movie so negates his mother that I keep writing son) goes on a two minute long speech about Christmas. They're very intertwined I assure you, as the movie goes into a long Nam flashback to his days as a piece of publicly available stock footage, where he won that medal of honor that he shoved in a random junk box like it was a cum stained gym sock.
So sue the newspaper for actual libel since there's going to be a public record of your Medal of Honor. This is a movie that treats the threat of lawsuits as a threat to freedom but you are two for two on some lawsuits here. The courts when you have an actual leg to stand on are your friends here. Instead, because of his continued support of the Christmas Tree, he's removed from office by the city council behind his back, his mission loses all funding and the ACLU pulls the tree down thanks to a court order and crushes the angel beneath their loafered foot.
Not a metaphor
So Bob fights back! He throws the giant cross from his Mission in the back of his dead sons pickup truck and hauls it down to the Mission to put it up on the building like god intended. Christian and a gang of bikers lead by a little person help him raise it up and snap it back on the building without any tools to the adulation of the crowd as he gives a speech about how lockstep christian majority is freedom and everyone who died in the military ever was fighting for this freedom. Yes, the Muslim and Irreligious service members too, they fought for him to be able to put a cross on a public building using public funds. God bless this Christian Nation audience, god bless it.
Also nobody has gotten their prescriptions for like, three weeks because he hasn't been back to work since this scene.
So moved by this is the anchor for the local affiliate that she quits her job on air to be with her family on Christmas! (It is not currently actually Christmas this movie operates on weird time.) and an Angel nods in respect. Well, we don't know he's an angel, he's an inexplicable dude here to perform a miracle by giving Bob a radio to be able to listen to Christian and Co sock it to the school by hijacking their play and making it Christian.
In the second climax (This isn't sex, you shouldn't have two of them back to back!) they lock their drama teacher in a room and perform the story of Jesus and Christian plays his dad's last message on the day he was killed. What day was he killed? Why Christmas day sir. He talks about how he's here, fighting for Freedom. Why, they can't even celebrate Christmas in this nation he's liberating and how this war he's fighting will assuredly be won and-HOLY SHIT HE'S DEAD.
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMALS
(continued next post)
It takes place in an alternate reality where nobody and everybody simultaneously celebrates Christmas and Ohio is nestled deep in the Rocky Mountains. It drapes itself in Post 9/11 patriotism so thick you can cut it with a Jeb Bush Guacamole Bowl and flying "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banners in the year of our Lord 2012. It's probably the first thing I've ever seen that treats the War on Christmas as if it were an actual war to be fought. This movie has more snare drums than Aliens.
Bob
Never Forget 07
He's proud of his son Tom who is in the Army and is off to fight in...uh...Iraqistan? Its never made clear where exactly he's deploying to and the filmmakers don't seem to have a firm grasp on geopolitics so its anyone's guess. The desert filter they put over all the shots of guys hanging around in warehouses, auto garages and other buildings strongly implies Iraq, as does a bunch of apologist arguments for getting involved. Regardless, he spends his days firing at things off camera and relaxes by talking about how great it is to be alive, how much he loves his wife, writing letters back home talking about their inevitable future, how much he looks forward to being a father to his newborn son and looking at family photos.
"I can't wait to live longer"
We're told that the days went by like all days in all years back home when suddenly to the shock of everyone, they're informed of their sons death, his completely unpredictedable death. Tom's wife Cory leaves with her son Christian Revere (Yes, really) and Bob feels betrayed because they should stay around and be there for him. He packs up his motorcycle and settles down. Therapy is apparently unchristian or something, so he proceeds to stew for a decade and a half.
Cut to 14 years later and he is the mayor of this town, he runs a business of repute. He looks to you to sort this out and be as patient as you can. I'm sorry, I was in a better place for a moment there and lost track of this stinkburger.
Oh Les Mis, you help me out in times of trouble.
Anyway, he runs a drugstore that's quickly forgotten about where he treats biker gang injuries without alerting the cops and is also the Mayor of town at the same time. He also runs a mission that's owned by the local government that's going to get federal funding. Nora and Christian show up for Thanksgiving and then...never leave, but in the meantime they give Christian his dad's old footlocker and watch old Christmas movies of his father and JJ.
"Who's JJ" inquires Christian.
"Oh your father's older sister, she left before you were born. We don't see her very often."
"Why?"
"She didn't feel the same way about things that Bob and I felt were important"
*Bob looking disappointed*
"Why don't people celebrate Christmas like this anymore"
No follow up questions kid? Nothing like "What things?". Your grandparents just offhand mentioned disowning your aunt, their daughter and you have zero followup to it? Is she a liberal? Anti-War? The L Word? I would have a little something more to ask about it but its a war on Christmas Movie. So we get to hear about how people wanted Christmas banned and its all "Santa Claus and Buying Things now"
Meanwhile in the very video they're watching
So we learn that before Tom left, Bob whispered to him that he was to defend freedom until his last ounce of courage. Maybe I'm a bit embittered but I don't really see what that has to do with his deployment to Iraqistan but this is a Christmas movie released on September 11th, so maybe its all apart of Never Forgetting. Anyway, the movie seemlessly introduces some girl with a nebulous relationship that basically becomes Christian's Sister as he's taken to the principles office because he had a bible.
In a school. DUN DUN DUN DUN.
He's let off with a warning this time but the kindly janitor has to explain to the Mayor of the Town that having a bible in a public school isn't something you can legally prohibit. Bob as the apparent new legal guardian of Christian (His mom isn't there when the cops were called) goes back in to confront the principle about it with all the steadfast surety of someone who just got constitutional rights advice from the Janitor. He's told that the school is afraid of lawsuits and that's why they've forbidden bibles.
This is about the only circumstance that would actually happen.
The driving action is of course, Bill O'Reilly. In fact an episode of the O'Reilly Factor I saw from 2011 that they've cropped to remove the news scroll and subject, which causes a bit on a paradox on when this episode takes place but whatever. O'Reilly's stirring defense of Christmas against the ACLU leads Christian to ask Bob what his father died for if Christmas is under attack. This causes Bob to decide to take back Christmas.
He spends several hours googling and this gives him all the information he needs to take back a major holiday from the ACLU and those Santa Lovers. He's going to decorate the whole town for Christmas and make it a Christmas town but must face his deadliest foe: THE ACLU.
"I love it when a protest comes together"
The ACLU in this is of course all powerful but has no actual foundation, they're just anti-American bullies that rely on fear and intimidation as there are no legal grounds to prevent say, Bob having the city government own and operate a church mission with a giant cross telling everyone Jesus Saves. There can't possibly be any legal basis, its all fear because "one person complained" about the cross.
The movie juggles some other subplots about a school play the effete drama teacher is producing that doesn't include Jesus that replaces him with an Alien and Christian and his I guess now Sister planning to sabotage. It doesn't matter much to the ongoing movie but it will form the basis of the second climax of the movie. Christian also watches videos of Tom that he took in Iraq, his mom gets into a lukewarm romance with a childhood friend of her and her late husband, and Bob gets swift boated for some reason?
This is to tie the whole military, 9/11 angle into the War on Christmas fight, because these two disparate things are incredibly connected I tell you. So connected that when asked about his grandfather's alleged stolen valor by the liberal news, his grandson (The movie so negates his mother that I keep writing son) goes on a two minute long speech about Christmas. They're very intertwined I assure you, as the movie goes into a long Nam flashback to his days as a piece of publicly available stock footage, where he won that medal of honor that he shoved in a random junk box like it was a cum stained gym sock.
So sue the newspaper for actual libel since there's going to be a public record of your Medal of Honor. This is a movie that treats the threat of lawsuits as a threat to freedom but you are two for two on some lawsuits here. The courts when you have an actual leg to stand on are your friends here. Instead, because of his continued support of the Christmas Tree, he's removed from office by the city council behind his back, his mission loses all funding and the ACLU pulls the tree down thanks to a court order and crushes the angel beneath their loafered foot.
Not a metaphor
So Bob fights back! He throws the giant cross from his Mission in the back of his dead sons pickup truck and hauls it down to the Mission to put it up on the building like god intended. Christian and a gang of bikers lead by a little person help him raise it up and snap it back on the building without any tools to the adulation of the crowd as he gives a speech about how lockstep christian majority is freedom and everyone who died in the military ever was fighting for this freedom. Yes, the Muslim and Irreligious service members too, they fought for him to be able to put a cross on a public building using public funds. God bless this Christian Nation audience, god bless it.
Also nobody has gotten their prescriptions for like, three weeks because he hasn't been back to work since this scene.
So moved by this is the anchor for the local affiliate that she quits her job on air to be with her family on Christmas! (It is not currently actually Christmas this movie operates on weird time.) and an Angel nods in respect. Well, we don't know he's an angel, he's an inexplicable dude here to perform a miracle by giving Bob a radio to be able to listen to Christian and Co sock it to the school by hijacking their play and making it Christian.
In the second climax (This isn't sex, you shouldn't have two of them back to back!) they lock their drama teacher in a room and perform the story of Jesus and Christian plays his dad's last message on the day he was killed. What day was he killed? Why Christmas day sir. He talks about how he's here, fighting for Freedom. Why, they can't even celebrate Christmas in this nation he's liberating and how this war he's fighting will assuredly be won and-HOLY SHIT HE'S DEAD.
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMALS
(continued next post)
Last edited:
Last Ounce of Courage: Putting the Christ back in "Jesus Fucking Christ"
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Holy shit he showed his dad's death tape in front of a room full of people at his school. He showed a death tape, I got suspended for using the word "bitch" once and I didn't even illegally detain someone. You're going to get expelled and sued for this, right into the ground. On what possible planet could-Everyone is starting to slow clap. People are rising to their feet, the audience is cheering, my faith in humanity is dying as they start singing Christmas Carols. What planet is this taking place on?!
Holy shit we're near the end of this shit sandwich and I only have a few more bites left. So everyone is inspired by the death tape and the judge orders Bob freed from jail immediately with the trespassing charge dropped and Bob tells them he heard everything on the radio but oh my, there was no radio broadcast and that mysterious stranger is gone! Why in addition to the fact that you witnessed him teleport earlier, it might suggest some sort of miracle is at work. Fuck those kids in Africa though, we needed a white dude to hear his grandson save Christmas.
So he's freed, the townsfolk celebrate with Christmas Carols, the ACLU guy tries to get everyone arrested for singing Christmas carols, and we learn that Freedom isn't Free, there's a hefty fucking fee and if we don't all put in our buck o five who will?
This was apparently a Christmas Song the whole time
So where do I even begin with this movie? I thought going in, that it was going to be straight up Saving Christmas movie but its all over the fucking place. It's trying to link Christmas with the War on Terror and saying the two are related. Its a Christmas movie that came out on September 11th and has everyone get back into the Christmas Spirit by watching a young US Soldier be killed in action. This doesn't work as a jingoistic war movie and it doesn't work as a movie about Christians being attacked. The main character complains about how everyone isn't celebrating Christmas right but isn't that what your message of freedom says they should be able to do? The situation its scaremongering about falls flat. You can't complain about how there are no more religious songs on the radio when Little Drummer Boy is seared into my brain.
I am required to post the version with David Bowie
Like, I can't say this enough, this movie had a man dying on camera be what gives everyone the Christmas spirit and that's fucking monstrous. This is a movie that says that invading Iraq\Afghanistan\Wherever ensured that Christmas can be celebrated in America but you too need to fight in order to defend liberty from people who think that this is a secular country or else people died in Iraq for nothing. This isn't Christmas, this isn't what Jesus was about. Jesus wouldn't support disowning a child for not sharing your beliefs, he would tell you a story about serving the fatted calf. Like, this is the time of year that we drag our dysfunctional families together because its Christmas god damn it, and we all try to have a good time because its about family and togetherness. This movie just uses crass symbology for Christmas like Trees and Nativity Scenes while never selling you on the Holiday. They don't embrace anything about the season, its just all about how the Anti-American ACLU is after your freedoms. This isn't a war on Christmas, this is your uncle bringing up the Iraq War and Obama's Birth Certificate at Dinner.
And as a movie it fails as well because its clearly just slapped together tripe. The movie changes film quality more than people change underwear, with multiple cuts within the same scene changing cameras and lighting, like they were renting a camera every day and accidentally grabbed a different one each time. The movie's pacing is proof that purgatory can exist as a metaphysical fact, as the movies timer assured us that we had only been sitting there for 30 out of 107 minutes when we'd clearly been at it for approximately six hours. The movie is filled with things happening but they don't matter and it feels like nothing has happened. The movie is a paradox and no amount of Chuck Norris endorsements can fix that. But I'm sure that the star of the movie has learned his lesson right?
Whelp
Holy shit we're near the end of this shit sandwich and I only have a few more bites left. So everyone is inspired by the death tape and the judge orders Bob freed from jail immediately with the trespassing charge dropped and Bob tells them he heard everything on the radio but oh my, there was no radio broadcast and that mysterious stranger is gone! Why in addition to the fact that you witnessed him teleport earlier, it might suggest some sort of miracle is at work. Fuck those kids in Africa though, we needed a white dude to hear his grandson save Christmas.
So he's freed, the townsfolk celebrate with Christmas Carols, the ACLU guy tries to get everyone arrested for singing Christmas carols, and we learn that Freedom isn't Free, there's a hefty fucking fee and if we don't all put in our buck o five who will?
This was apparently a Christmas Song the whole time
So where do I even begin with this movie? I thought going in, that it was going to be straight up Saving Christmas movie but its all over the fucking place. It's trying to link Christmas with the War on Terror and saying the two are related. Its a Christmas movie that came out on September 11th and has everyone get back into the Christmas Spirit by watching a young US Soldier be killed in action. This doesn't work as a jingoistic war movie and it doesn't work as a movie about Christians being attacked. The main character complains about how everyone isn't celebrating Christmas right but isn't that what your message of freedom says they should be able to do? The situation its scaremongering about falls flat. You can't complain about how there are no more religious songs on the radio when Little Drummer Boy is seared into my brain.
I am required to post the version with David Bowie
Like, I can't say this enough, this movie had a man dying on camera be what gives everyone the Christmas spirit and that's fucking monstrous. This is a movie that says that invading Iraq\Afghanistan\Wherever ensured that Christmas can be celebrated in America but you too need to fight in order to defend liberty from people who think that this is a secular country or else people died in Iraq for nothing. This isn't Christmas, this isn't what Jesus was about. Jesus wouldn't support disowning a child for not sharing your beliefs, he would tell you a story about serving the fatted calf. Like, this is the time of year that we drag our dysfunctional families together because its Christmas god damn it, and we all try to have a good time because its about family and togetherness. This movie just uses crass symbology for Christmas like Trees and Nativity Scenes while never selling you on the Holiday. They don't embrace anything about the season, its just all about how the Anti-American ACLU is after your freedoms. This isn't a war on Christmas, this is your uncle bringing up the Iraq War and Obama's Birth Certificate at Dinner.
And as a movie it fails as well because its clearly just slapped together tripe. The movie changes film quality more than people change underwear, with multiple cuts within the same scene changing cameras and lighting, like they were renting a camera every day and accidentally grabbed a different one each time. The movie's pacing is proof that purgatory can exist as a metaphysical fact, as the movies timer assured us that we had only been sitting there for 30 out of 107 minutes when we'd clearly been at it for approximately six hours. The movie is filled with things happening but they don't matter and it feels like nothing has happened. The movie is a paradox and no amount of Chuck Norris endorsements can fix that. But I'm sure that the star of the movie has learned his lesson right?
Whelp
Last edited:
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Also standard required disclaimer: I'm actually pretty Christian despite everything and I've read plenty of fine Christian works but this particular one rubs me the wrong way and its target audience is a tiny, tiny group that don't represent all Christians no matter how much they claim to.
Last Ounce of Courage is a movie for people who were born without a sense of Irony.
It takes place in an alternate reality where nobody and everybody simultaneously celebrates Christmas and Ohio is nestled deep in the Rocky Mountains. It drapes itself in Post 9/11 patriotism so thick you can cut it with a Jeb Bush Guacamole Bowl and flying "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banners in the year of our Lord 2012. It's probably the first thing I've ever seen that treats the War on Christmas as if it were an actual war to be fought. This movie has more snare drums than Aliens.
BobJesusmanRevere is a veteran of the Southeast Asian Stock Footage War and a biker in the "Hellfighters Ministries" which is an IRL group that forbids anyone who engages in homosexual acts which must be awkward considering he's played by the guy who played Jimmy in Roadhouse.
Never Forget 07
He's proud of his son Tom who is in the Army and is off to fight in...uh...Iraqistan? Its never made clear where exactly he's deploying to and the filmmakers don't seem to have a firm grasp on geopolitics so its anyone's guess. The desert filter they put over all the shots of guys hanging around in warehouses, auto garages and other buildings strongly implies Iraq, as does a bunch of apologist arguments for getting involved. Regardless, he spends his days firing at things off camera and relaxes by talking about how great it is to be alive, how much he loves his wife, writing letters back home talking about their inevitable future, how much he looks forward to being a father to his newborn son and looking at family photos.
"I can't wait to live longer"
We're told that the days went by like all days in all years back home when suddenly to the shock of everyone, they're informed of their sons death, his completely unpredictedable death. Tom's wife Cory leaves with her son Christian Revere (Yes, really) and Bob feels betrayed because they should stay around and be there for him. He packs up his motorcycle and settles down. Therapy is apparently unchristian or something, so he proceeds to stew for a decade and a half.
Cut to 14 years later and he is the mayor of this town, he runs a business of repute. He looks to you to sort this out and be as patient as you can. I'm sorry, I was in a better place for a moment there and lost track of this stinkburger.
Oh Les Mis, you help me out in times of trouble.
Anyway, he runs a drugstore that's quickly forgotten about where he treats biker gang injuries without alerting the cops and is also the Mayor of town at the same time. He also runs a mission that's owned by the local government that's going to get federal funding. Nora and Christian show up for Thanksgiving and then...never leave, but in the meantime they give Christian his dad's old footlocker and watch old Christmas movies of his father and JJ.
"Who's JJ" inquires Christian.
"Oh your father's older sister, she left before you were born. We don't see her very often."
"Why?"
"She didn't feel the same way about things that Bob and I felt were important"
*Bob looking disappointed*
"Why don't people celebrate Christmas like this anymore"
No follow up questions kid? Nothing like "What things?". Your grandparents just offhand mentioned disowning your aunt, their daughter and you have zero followup to it? Is she a liberal? Anti-War? The L Word? I would have a little something more to ask about it but its a war on Christmas Movie. So we get to hear about how people wanted Christmas banned and its all "Santa Claus and Buying Things now"
Meanwhile in the very video they're watching
So we learn that before Tom left, Bob whispered to him that he was to defend freedom until his last ounce of courage. Maybe I'm a bit embittered but I don't really see what that has to do with his deployment to Iraqistan but this is a Christmas movie released on September 11th, so maybe its all apart of Never Forgetting. Anyway, the movie seemlessly introduces some girl with a nebulous relationship that basically becomes Christian's Sister as he's taken to the principles office because he had a bible.
In a school. DUN DUN DUN DUN.
He's let off with a warning this time but the kindly janitor has to explain to the Mayor of the Town that having a bible in a public school isn't something you can legally prohibit. Bob as the apparent new legal guardian of Christian (His mom isn't there when the cops were called) goes back in to confront the principle about it with all the steadfast surety of someone who just got constitutional rights advice from the Janitor. He's told that the school is afraid of lawsuits and that's why they've forbidden bibles.
If you banned bibles and called the police on anyone who was found in possession of them, you'd have a team of lawyers directly inside your asshole before you could even blink. Lawyers in a hundred mile radius would get erections the second you even contemplated that move. This is setting up the core concept of the movie (There is no validity to anything against religion) but the plot hasn't kicked off yet, oh no.
This is about the only circumstance that would actually happen.
The driving action is of course, Bill O'Reilly. In fact an episode of the O'Reilly Factor I saw from 2011 that they've cropped to remove the news scroll and subject, which causes a bit on a paradox on when this episode takes place but whatever. O'Reilly's stirring defense of Christmas against the ACLU leads Christian to ask Bob what his father died for if Christmas is under attack. This causes Bob to decide to take back Christmas.
He spends several hours googling and this gives him all the information he needs to take back a major holiday from the ACLU and those Santa Lovers. He's going to decorate the whole town for Christmas and make it a Christmas town but must face his deadliest foe: THE ACLU.
"I love it when a protest comes together"
The ACLU in this is of course all powerful but has no actual foundation, they're just anti-American bullies that rely on fear and intimidation as there are no legal grounds to prevent say, Bob having the city government own and operate a church mission with a giant cross telling everyone Jesus Saves. There can't possibly be any legal basis, its all fear because "one person complained" about the cross.
The movie juggles some other subplots about a school play the effete drama teacher is producing that doesn't include Jesus that replaces him with an Alien and Christian and his I guess now Sister planning to sabotage. It doesn't matter much to the ongoing movie but it will form the basis of the second climax of the movie. Christian also watches videos of Tom that he took in Iraq, his mom gets into a lukewarm romance with a childhood friend of her and her late husband, and Bob gets swift boated for some reason?
This is to tie the whole military, 9/11 angle into the War on Christmas fight, because these two disparate things are incredibly connected I tell you. So connected that when asked about his grandfather's alleged stolen valor by the liberal news, his grandson (The movie so negates his mother that I keep writing son) goes on a two minute long speech about Christmas. They're very intertwined I assure you, as the movie goes into a long Nam flashback to his days as a piece of publicly available stock footage, where he won that medal of honor that he shoved in a random junk box like it was a cum stained gym sock.
So sue the newspaper for actual libel since there's going to be a public record of your Medal of Honor. This is a movie that treats the threat of lawsuits as a threat to freedom but you are two for two on some lawsuits here. The courts when you have an actual leg to stand on are your friends here. Instead, because of his continued support of the Christmas Tree, he's removed from office by the city council behind his back, his mission loses all funding and the ACLU pulls the tree down thanks to a court order and crushes the angel beneath their loafered foot.
Not a metaphor
So Bob fights back! He throws the giant cross from his Mission in the back of his dead sons pickup truck and hauls it down to the Mission to put it up on the building like god intended. Christian and a gang of bikers lead by a little person help him raise it up and snap it back on the building without any tools to the adulation of the crowd as he gives a speech about how lockstep christian majority is freedom and everyone who died in the military ever was fighting for this freedom. Yes, the Muslim and Irreligious service members too, they fought for him to be able to put a cross on a public building using public funds. God bless this Christian Nation audience, god bless it.
Also nobody has gotten their prescriptions for like, three weeks because he hasn't been back to work since this scene.
So moved by this is the anchor for the local affiliate that she quits her job on air to be with her family on Christmas! (It is not currently actually Christmas this movie operates on weird time.) and an Angel nods in respect. Well, we don't know he's an angel, he's an inexplicable dude here to perform a miracle by giving Bob a radio to be able to listen to Christian and Co sock it to the school by hijacking their play and making it Christian.
In the second climax (This isn't sex, you shouldn't have two of them back to back!) they lock their drama teacher in a room and perform the story of Jesus and Christian plays his dad's last message on the day he was killed. What day was he killed? Why Christmas day sir. He talks about how he's here, fighting for Freedom. Why, they can't even celebrate Christmas in this nation he's liberating and how this war he's fighting will assuredly be won and-HOLY SHIT HE'S DEAD.
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMALS
(continued next post)
Because you forced yourself to watch it, I forced myself to read it. Not because what you wrote is bad, oh no. But because what you wrote about is bad.
cB557
voOOP
*wheels out wall of cork board with various photos and pieces of paper connected by strings* Trust me there's a perfectly logical connection between those two things, just give me a minute and I can explain it to you
Number6
Unrepentant Like Addict
- Location
- The Village, Scotland
So, is WhatsHisName just that hard up for cash or does he actually buy into this far-right crap?
And since when did American Christians believe it was important that they be allowed to stick Germanic pagan symbols everywhere?
Sufficient Juice
A steady supply of vitamins
- Location
- The carbohydrates
Is it possible to be Christian and yet still need Jesus?
Because these people are Christians and yet still need Jesus.
Because these people are Christians and yet still need Jesus.
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I don't think he buys it, he's just a character actor that's been in everything, he's just not high profile enough for most people to notice.
"Jesus" is an oddly specific misspelling of "a straitjacket"
Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
The tree basically gets forgotten in favor of crosses and death tapes. It's just another attack on Christians like the mission cross or the ten commandments inside the local courthouse.
I forgot a few things trying to get this done but apparently court orders can be ignored if you're popular enough?!
Given that they begin and end their Christmas movie with quotes by Reagan and generally forget to reference any actual religion?
Yes, yes they do.
Also randomly the proclaim the ACLU to be a paper tiger that relies on threats of lawsuits because they have no legal backing for anything they so and then proceed to never call the bad guys in the movie the ACLU directly, only implying it to be them.
Guess they're a bit afraid of a libel suit!
The Bird
tEM IS GUD...RITER!
- Location
- In that den of villains and scum, OKLAHOMA
teslashark
One of the brother site’s janitors
- Location
- Somewhere
I've said in SB we should make a parody called The Last Big Ounce: A "hemporium" type legal weed shop suing the local government for rights to distribute free Christmas samples!
teslashark
One of the brother site’s janitors
- Location
- Somewhere
This... Is Kratman-ish but in a "what if the hippies wrote it themselves" way?
By the way, isn't Darkman about a guy having his face melted and becoming a kind of camouflage super hero?
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Athene
Rise for the Shadow Queen
- Location
- Dream of The 90s
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Much like the time I found scripts used in the production of Fear and Loathing among other movies*, I found the script to the next movie I'll cover by the recycle bins.
(Review will be coming soonish, probably tomorrow)
*This actually happened, I have a stack of them in my closet and they were all used in production.
(Review will be coming soonish, probably tomorrow)
*This actually happened, I have a stack of them in my closet and they were all used in production.