What you can't do, you decide, is go into the next… fight, or mission, or whatever, with no clue how to control your powers. You've only been in two fights so far, with that old man's monster form in the city, and the corrupted spirit (Death had called it a Wraith, right?) in the school, and neither had gone particularly well. You'd succeeded, at least, but more through luck than anything else. Even setting aside your planned roadtrip tonight, you have a feeling there are more such encounters in your future, and you'll need to be better prepared. So instead of looking at this break as time to fill, maybe this is an opportunity to get some more practice in.
However, another problem quickly presents itself - where to go? Thinking back to the newsreel Nel showed you, you quickly decide against returning to the old bridge - Even if the strange ice patch you created has probably mostly melted away by now, you have little trouble imagining the oddity has attracted some attention, and more displays of your power there would cause more trouble than you need right now. And besides, you'd walked quite a ways to get there last night; going all that way all over again would take up the better part of this break time. What you really need is someplace closer to this neighborhood, yet still much more secluded… The solution presents itself when you turn around, looking back the way you came. The elevated train platform is still there, just a couple of blocks away, but beyond it looms the tall hills, or small mountains, that mark the northern edge of Hitotsutani.
You've been up there before, you muse to yourself as you start walking. Even aside from infrequent visits to your mom at the observatory, there have been a handful of overnight camping trips up in that area, on the rare occasions your father had an actual chance to take time off of work. Of course, there hadn't been as many of those opportunities in recent years, with a few promotions giving him thrice as much responsibility and much more overtime hours, but… he'd still done his best to make time for both you and Kichirou.
Somehow, you suddenly realize, talking with your brother has only made you feel even more lonely.
~~~ .oO◯Oo. ~~~
You cross a small bridge over a tributary stream at the edge of town, and the neighborhood houses and blue sky are quite abruptly replaced by foliage-covered slopes and a yellow-green canopy. The leaves are clearly beginning to turn, as sure a sign as any that autumn is on its way, and the thought is oddly comforting. Winter will be coming soon after, and you can't wait to once again enjoy the beauty of the falling snow. Even in your current state, maybe you'll at least be able to enjoy that…
You frown again, stopping for a moment to stare down at your shoes. The future… Biting your lip, you force yourself to keep walking, idly searching the sides of the road for signs of a trail, but now your thoughts are once again consumed by a new worry.
How long… how long will things be like this? It's already been a couple of days since your awakening into the afterlife, but only now is it starting to sink in that this won't be temporary. The strange new state of things is your new normal, no matter how abnormal it still feels. A sickly feeling rises in your throat, and your phantom heart seems to beat faster, but you push away the sensations and keep marching stiffly, forcing a sort of tunnel vision to block out your sudden worries.
Finally,
finally you spot a narrow bike path running for a stretch along the side of the pavement before veering back away into the forest, and quickly make a beeline for it. While the hillsides are fairly steep, this path seems to run through a narrow gulley level with the road, leading away before turning again to vanish among the trees. Perfect. Crossing the narrow strip of grass between road and trail, you head into the forest without hesitation.
It takes another ten minutes or so of walking, but finally you find what you're looking for. The bike path cuts through one end of an oddly-shaped clearing, which slopes downward before abruptly rising again on the far end; in the middle is a large rocky outcropping that should hopefully shield you from being spotted by anyone passing through on the trail. Steeling yourself, you step off the pavement altogether and make your way down into the increasingly tall grass and untamed weeds.
Having achieved your first goal, however, you quickly find the dark thoughts from before making a return. The moment you're hidden behind the boulders, you half-collapse down on yourself, back resting against the rock and knees tucked beneath your chin. You want to cry so, so badly, but the tears refuse to fall. Instead you just sit there, hugging yourself and trembling with unreleased sobs, as the reality of your situation once again crashes cataclysmically down upon your shoulders.
It feels like for every step forward you take, there's some equivalent drawback; every salve on your wounds laced with a bit of poison. In theory, you should be happy with how things are going right now; you've talked to your brother again, you're figuring out your new powers, and you're finally getting a grasp on the responsibilities entrusted to you by both Death and Nelchael. And yet.
And yet, it's sinking in how isolated you've become, the experiences you can no longer share with your family. You even feel isolated from yourself, more focused on practicing for a possible fight than on practicing your art. Your new responsibilities have come with so many new ideas to wrap your head around, earth-shattering revelations of the past and what's been under everyone's noses all along. Even if you've mostly adjusted, it still feels crazy and overwhelming if you pause to really think about it, and you have no idea how to even begin to fix things. All of this, because of a stupid, senseless death that came out of nowhere. And above all else...
Bitter feelings churn within you, and a single thought keeps repeating in your head.
This is my life now. You don't feel real anymore, you don't feel like Yukimura Kikuko. Even if you win, fix everything, solve all the mysteries, and save the day... it's almost incidental. You'll still be dead; you don't really have a future anymore.
Perhaps it's ironic, or hypocritical, given the leeriness with which you'd regarded the adulthood bearing down upon you more and more with each passing semester; but now that it's out of your reach, you suddenly find yourself coveting it. Living a normal life, having an apartment and job of your own, maybe even applying your hobbies in some way on the side… The anxiety remains with you, yet those things sound far more appealing now than they did before. Though admittedly, the idea of settling down with someone and starting a family still fails to inspire anything but faint discomfort in you. At least one thing's still consistent...
You bury your face in your knees as another thought hits you - not only has your future been voided, and your past stuck in the past, but your present may not even be consistent for much longer, either. You miss the security of not having to climb through a tiny window every night to come home, but at least it's still an option; once the cold season comes, though, there's no way your parents will be leaving it open. You can't keep sneaking into the laundry alcove forever, but you honestly can't think of any alternative options. The last thing you want to do is let go of the mere scraps left of your life, no matter how much they remind you of being cut off from the real thing.
Even laced with poison, the metaphorical salve is still better than nothing at all.
~~~ .oO◯Oo. ~~~
Time passes, and your circling thoughts slowly wind down. You find no enlightenment or answers to your problems this time; you're just eventually left too tired to even dwell. When you stand up again, brushing yourself off pointlessly, it's not so much from pragmatism as boredom. You need something better to do with your time, and you came here to do something else to begin with, didn't you? Best to get on that, especially given how much time was already burned just feeling sorry for yourself. With the sun shining down but now at a noticeable angle, you estimate you still have little over an hour or so before you'll be called upon; enough time to work on at least one thing, but probably not multiple.
The first thing you think of are the ghostly traits you still can't control, but just as quickly dismiss that notion. Death's advice was needlessly cryptic, and you're not in the mood to practice becoming even more nonexistent than usual right now. No, it's your actual power as a magical girl that you want to explore today. Thinking back, a few moments quickly stick out to you - The aurora ribbons you'd used against the beastly monster, the strange glyph that had temporarily stunned the dark spirit, and the ice you'd discovered at the bridge - all seem like they're worth getting more familiar with. Question being, which one to start with?
What to practice?
> The Auroras (They're the most straightforward, but perhaps if you're more consistent with the basics, the rest will come easier later)
> The Symbols (You're still not entirely sure what you'd done that night, but if you can figure it out, your options may expand dramatically)
> The Snow (Power over ice seems useful to get a better grasp of, not too simple but not too complex… hopefully, anyway.)