Harry Potter and the Skittering Spouse

[Fencer]

POV: Taylor Hebert
Location: cauldron cell
Point in Timeline: immediately post surrender to the PRT

With an explosive exhale I tried to jolt upright only to be held down by straps across my arms legs and chest. Glancing around.

"The fuck?!"

I didn't remember falling asleep. I should not have fallen asleep. There were no bugs in my range. None.

"Good morning, miss Hebert."

My head whipped to the side revealing a blurry outline. Blinking I finally realized I didn't have my mask, with its corrective lenses, or my costume. Instead, I was wearing... a dress? It felt like a dress.

…Who the fuck was the soon to be corpse that undressed me and where the fuck was my costume?! That took me months of work to make!

"I'm sorry we have to meet like this. I don't often need to interfere so directly, and usually when I do it's in a more final manner. But you represent an opportunity. Removing your allies fail safes and removing them from play without harming them was a refreshing change of pace from how problems are normally delt with."

The others were alive… hopefully. There was no reason to trust this woman. But if she was being honest… well there went all of my leverage.

"What did you do to them?" I demanded.

"They have been temporarily relocated to an alternate earth with a very low concentration of parahumans. They should have no problems thriving. Should you succeed, you should be reunited, eventually." She said with infuriating calm.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

"Succeed at what exactly?" I glared at the women.

"It didn't have to be you." The woman continued, ignoring my question. "There were others I could use for this. But you are… appropriate. In temperament, morals, and ability. More than that, though you did not yet know it, this was necessary to save one of my few friends from you. Alexandria is simply incapable of bending. Much like yourself." She patted my arm. "But until you there has never been a cape that could have successfully killed her when she forced them to lash out. So, I'm sending you not only because you are up to the task, but to spare my friend. Given I've pulled your own friends out of the line of fire I trust you will consider it a fair exchange."

No not really because even if both our friends got to walk away from this alive, I was getting separated from mine and she wasn't! And how the hell was I supposed to kill Alexandria with bugs?! I mean I could try to choke her to death with them but… well that might work.

"Normally I would give you more details but… well, chances are you would do anything else out of spite, and then be left stranded on an alternate Earth until Dinah's predictions about the end of the World become relevant."

Which wasn't how I wanted to spend the time leading up to things. Thank you very much for the doomsday reminder, you bitch.

"Instead, I would just advise you to go with your instincts, and not murder anyone out of hand."

With another pat on my arm, she turned and walked out of the room. I started shouting after her, but I was ignored and then there was only the hissing sound of a dispersing gas.

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POV: Harry Potter
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Point in timeline: summer after fifth year

I was going to kill Tonks for dragging me here like this.

"Come to Vegas, Harry. You need a vacation, Harry. Sirius would want you to have some fun, Harry."

It was all a crock of shite… well alright, Sirius would probably have approved. And I do need a vacation. But this? This wasn't me. Lights, and noise, and people. This just made me feel twitchy and crowded.

Still there was probably something I could salvage from the night considering the trace didn't work outside of the UK. A switching spell on my water bottle netted me a full bottle of rum. I waved to Tonks and Remus where they were dancing, once I caught Tonks eye, I pointed at the bracelet she charmed with a tracking spell and jerked my head towards the exit.

The half drunk metemorph just grinned and waved me off before refocusing on Remus.

To hell with the both of them. I was finding a relatively quiet corner and getting drunk.

Two streets, one rapid retreat from a constable who would never believe the fake ID Tonks gave me, four times ducking in and then immediately out of a building based only on noise level, and what must have been about four fingers of rum later, I finally gave up and dropped onto a bus stop bench. A finger of rum after that and quiet cursing drew my eyes to the left where a leggy girl around my age in a modest sundress wobbled like someone hit by a jelly legs jinx. She stumbled her way over and collapsed onto the other end of the bench rubbing at her temples.

"Try something and I'll kill you." She slurred.

Discretion being the better part of valor I took another drink and offered her the bottle.

She glared at it.

"Not drunk. Crazy bitch drugged me and dumped me out here. S'm sorta gas."

"Why? And how're you're you going to kill me while drugged to high hell." I asked, taking another sip. The world was starting to roll a bit, and everything was getting sort of fuzzy. It was a hell of an improvement over the last few weeks.

"Crazy bitch has a thinker power. Something, something, stopping me before I can do whatever." She made a disgusted exhale.

Thinker power?

"And drugging you?"

"Hell if I know. S'why I'm calling her, crazy bitch."

"That sucks."

I offered her the bottle again.

She sighed, but this time she took a swig.

"Now I'm stuck, and alone, again!" She slugged back more of the rum before passing it back.

I nodded.

"My cousin dragged me out here from Britain, said I needed a vacation." I took a swig. "Bollocks, she just wanted to drag me along so she could pull my uncle into it and try and get in his pants."

I took another swig before passing the bottle.

"Which is shite, cuss I could really use a vacation. Bloody terrorist wankers can't just leave me the hell alone."

The girl took a swig and eyed me carefully.

"Terrorists?"

"Inbred tossers, obsessed with nobility and bloodlines. Dangerous, too many sympathizers in the government. Took a year to get them to admit they were even around."

The bottle was starting to look a bit low, maybe I should slow down? After this one.

"Be coming for me again sooner or later." I muttered before passing the bottle.

"Be ready when they do. Kill em first." She took another drink, eyed the bottle, shook her head and set it aside.

"Jus like that then? Kill em first?" I asked.

"What else would you do? Roll over and let them have the first shot, and all the rest too?" She snorted. "Doesn't work on bullies, doesn't work on villains, don't see why it'd work on terrorists. Only ones you can trust to have your back are your friends. Worry about them and yourself."

"And kill the terrorist?"

"You turn em over to the police, will they stay locked up? You said they had friends in the government?"

"I don't really want to be like them though, isn't that…"

"Terrorists, right? Tryin to kill you? Tryin to kill other people?"

"Yeah." I admitted.

"You don't fight back to kill ya won't be anything like them. Cuss they'll be alive, and you'll be dead."

… I think I'd have a hard time arguing against that sober.

"… Right. Kill em first." I muttered as I took another pull from the bottle I didn't remember picking back up.

{}{}{}{}
POV: Taylor
Location: Vegas hotel suite
Time: 10 AM

I was unspeakably tempted to gather a swarm for the sole purpose of acting as a blackout curtain and cutting off the sunlight leaking into the room. Instead, I was doing the smart thing and dispersing a small swarm around the hotel suite and in the hallway outside.

My throbbing head objected. My sense of self preservation overruled it.

I still couldn't see very well, but I'd found a carving knife in the kitchen and wedged it between the armrest and couch cushion. My swarm was something like ninety percent irritants with a handful of decent scorpions. Not that they couldn't be used to strip flesh from bone in short order if I used enough, but I wanted more wasps and venomous spiders.

The smart thing to do would be to leave. But I'd woken up on the couch, still dressed, across from the boy passed out in the recliner, also still dressed. Clothes still being on, and the lack of any telling soreness bought the group some leeway. The mystery ring on my finger that wouldn't even budge, which matched the boys? That demanded an explanation which I was going to get even if I needed to start cramming scorpions in orifices.

More practically… I had nowhere to go. No identification. No resources. And the lack of cape news on any of the six news stations I'd found on tv pretty clearly said I wasn't on Earth Bet anymore. Seriously, what the hell were the Triumvirate doing hiding a cape like the crazy bitch?

Yes, thinkers did better from the shadows and there was no reason to think she also had whatever power transported me here but if they had access to dimensional portals why the hell were we not evacuating Bet and leaving the Endbringers to rampage across an empty planet? None of this made any damn sense and without being able to threaten someone with all the spiders I probably wasn't going to get any answers. Certainly wasn't going to get those answers from anyone in this dimension.

So, waiting, sipping water, wishing aspirin did more than take the edge off of my hangover. Not murdering whoever these people were out of hand, because I wanted answers about the fucking ring. Keeping my eyes shut because a hangover and lack of glasses mixed just made the headache worse.

Never would have turned myself in if I knew this was going to happen. If I ever get home, I'm going to have words with Dinah over this.

A groan from the recliner got me to open my eyes and squint at the blob lying there.

"Morning. Water and aspirin on the counter. Not much but it helped a bit."

The boy jolted upright.

"Who are…. Oh, you're the girl from last night. Er we didn't…"

"Not as far as I can tell." I answered blandly. "And there goes my faint hope that you would remember last night and tell me what happened."

"I remember talking on the bench. You advised killing terrorists… not much after that though." The boy said as he stumbled towards the water and aspirin.

"So, nothing more than I remember. Great. Hopefully the couple in the bed will know something."

I closed my eyes and huffed. I should probably look into getting breakfast, but last time I stood up the room was still shaking. I didn't really feel like pushing my luck.

"What's your name anyway?" I asked. "I'm assuming we must have done introductions last night, but my memories cut off before that."

"Harry Potter. You?"

"Taylor Hebert." Another dimension. No point using an alias here. "Don't suppose you have a spare set of glasses do you? No idea if our prescriptions are the same but I'd settle for less fuzzy right now."

Harry muttered something then wobbled over to place a pair of glasses in my hand. They were an old full circle design in a metal frame. Not my usual look but beggars can't be choosers.

Sure enough, they were not my prescription. They did make things less fuzzy.

"Thanks, not a match, but it's an improvement."

"Sooo, drugged and dumped in Vegas?" He asked.

"It's a long story, unless you want to explain why terrorists are after you?"

"…Maybe put that off till the hangover goes away."

My lips twitched up and I shook my head.

"More interested in why the wedding ring won't come off."

"Wedding ring?" He checked his own hand. "Oh bloody hell!"

"Yeah, that about sums it up. You know I always heard about people getting drunk married in Vegas, but I didn't realize it was a thing that actually happened."

And if there was some power involved in keeping the damn thing on my finger? Well, that was something to look into. If this place had a covert cape culture, well I wanted to know about them and what rules they play by. Before I got my head taken off for interfering in anything.

Harry tugged at his own ring. It did about as much as my own efforts which is to say nothing.

"Tried soapy water but it didn't do anything. Weirdly it doesn't actually feel tight, it just won't move. Can't even spin it." I spoke up.

Harry glared at the ring before blowing out a breath.

"This might just be my honorary uncle's idea of a joke. It's a bit tasteless for him, but if he was as drunk as we were…"

I was still betting on some kind of power being involved with this nonsense so that might make his honorary uncle my first point of contact with whatever groups had powers here. But if that was the case… if powers ran in families like back home?

I might be outnumbered on top of being potentially outgunned.

Well, maybe it was time to give diplomacy another try. With no reputation to fall back on that would be both easier and harder. No villain stigma, but also no rep. I could try playing up the lost and alone angle… but if these people weren't the nice sort that could backfire. Badly.

Harry distracted me from my thoughts with a triumphant cry as he fished something out of a messenger bag.

"Something some friends from school cooked up. Heat free firecrackers basically."

"My head is in no condition to appreciate even those little bang snaps they give kids at carnivals. Why are you playing with something like that now?"

Harry gestured at the bedroom.

"Because if this is Remus's idea of a joke I want to get even."

My lips twitched up and I jammed my fingers in my ears. This might not help with the whole diplomacy thing, but at least it would cut down on the waiting for answers bit.

Thirty seconds with the bangs and snaps ongoing and I was now certain I'd stumbled into a group of people with powers. Chemical reactions that make a good pop without heat? Sure, I'd buy that. Ones that just kept going? That sounded like Tinker work. My bugs just caught flashes and streaks of light. I didn't have enough coverage to get a clear picture.

It took another minute for the bangs and snaps to stop. And the whole time the room's occupants were shouting. It took another five before they managed to find all their clothes and stagger out of the room.

"You bloody wanker." The woman who stormed out of the room had blood red hair and a scowl on her face. "Lighting off one of the twins' inventions before a girl gets her hangover potion is just rude!"

She waved the stick in her hand and two corked bottles flew across the room to her. She passed off the second to the man following behind her. She popped the cork, chugged, grimaced, then froze as she caught sight of me. Her hair wilted to a muddy brown instantly and Harry slapped a hand to his face.

"Great job, Tonks. Never mind the Statue of Secrecy when you need a hangover cure is that it? You are supposed to be an Auror!" Harry snapped.

Well, this sounded like it was going downhill in a hurry, so maybe…

I coughed and set a few hundred flies into multiple orbits around myself.

All three of them gaped at me.

"I take it you keep things like this quiet around here?"

Then there was shouting, and questions and an exchange of information.

{}{}{}{}
POV: Harry Potter

"I don't believe this shite!" Tonks shouted as she slammed her hands onto the coffee table. "Other dimensions, superheroes straight out of Saturday morning cartoons, and monsters that'd make Godzilla cry for mummy! This is ridiculous!"

Taylor just arched an eyebrow calm as can be.

"Oh yeah? You have magic terrorists led by a Lich. You have magical animals straight out of children's novels and a government so inept that they believed a teenager posed a serious threat to their right to govern and respond by torturing minors…. And not a single parent attempted to do anything about it." The fact the teachers did nothing was less than surprising.

Tonks opened her mouth for an angry retort, paused to consider the point… and Taylor went right on talking like she hadn't noticed the impending eruption.

"Frankly the only reason I'm not scoffing at the fact you call your powers magic is that it's almost entirely universal and requires training. Back home people would point at you and laugh if you claimed you were using magic."

Tonks pouted.

"If you weren't a muggle, I'd demand an oath on your magic that you weren't bull shitting us."

"You're the witch." Taylor scoffed. "Draw some runes in blood or something so I can't lie, just so long as you let me say I'd rather not answer. I'm American, and we're rather fond of the fifth amendment."

Which meant, what?

"What?" Tanks asked, saving me the embarrassment.

"Right to refuse to incriminate myself. You don't need to know my whole life story."

"Not that." Tonks scoffed. "That rubbish about drawing runes in blood."

"I've known about magic for half an hour. Excuse me if I'm drawing my understanding from fiction until I learn all the rules for it."

Which was entirely fair in my mind. Especially given how many of the cliches were true… which did beg the question of how exactly the cliches held true across dimensions when her world supposedly did not have magic. Or if the cliches did in fact hold true. Hard to be sure yet. Hermione would go nuts trying to figure all this out.

"Look, forget about that for now." Taylor said. "It's not like you have a better explanation of what I am, and we can figure out proof later. The only reason I didn't swarm all of you is that I woke up dressed and not sleeping next to anyone."

And wasn't that a scary thought…

"The damn ring won't come off and I want an explanation, now." Taylor demanded as she showed Tonks the back of her and the ring she wore. I held up my own hand just to drive the point home.

"Yeah, jokes a joke and all, Remus, but this isn't funny. What did you do? Password lock the sticking charm?" I asked.

Remus, who had been suspiciously quiet, fidgeted like a nervous first year before clearing his throat to speak.

"So, umm, I'm assuming none of you actually remembers last night then?"

Tonks shook her head just as Taylor said "No."

"Ahh, well, I, um, do remember."

Taylor reached up to rub the bridge of her nose as the bugs in the room started to move around a bit violently.

"So, we found you two shortly after you finished the bottle of rum, which we should talk about where you got that-"

"Switching spell, lecture me later and get on with it, Remus." I cut him off.

He puffed up like he was ready to start a lecture now only for Taylor's bugs to ratchet up their volume as she glared.

Remus coughed and got on with it.

"Tonks dragged all of us to a small, office? Chapel? Both? Really not sure. Said she'd made arrangements in advance, then started insisting you two join us because she always wanted a double wedding…"

Tonks thunked her head on the coffee table and started to curse.

"I think you two just agreed to shut her up honestly. Taylor said something about it not mattering anyway, which I assume is related to the fact the government doesn't think you exist here?"

She nodded tightly and muttered, "Probably."

"So, we got married and headed back here." Remus finished.

"And the reason the rings will not come off?" Taylor demanded in a scary flat voice.

Remus and Tonks both flinched.

"In my defense I was drunk enough to not think it through at the time and Tonks apparently set things up in advance." Remus held up his hands in front of his chest. "But, uh, it was a magical wedding ceremony. Actual magic. Really old, really serious magic. The kind that doesn't appreciate people going back on their vows."

And here Remus took a second to glare at Ton- huh, can't call her that anymore. Nymphadora, he glared at Nymphadora in a way which promised a future conversation.

"Nymphadora Lupin what the fuck did you do?!" I shouted as I rounded on her. "You dragged me out here saying I needed a vacation, but it's been nothing but stressful for me, and then you go and drag me into a magically enforced marriage with a perfect stranger while both of us were drunk enough to agree to anything!"

I was dimly aware that the number of bugs in the room seemed to be skyrocketing.

Tonks opened her mouth to say something only to stop as a swarm of flies started to circle her.

"What exactly are the terms we are bound to? What kind of limitations will this put on us?" Taylor's voice was perfectly, terrifyingly, level. The insects on the other hand were going nuts. I might not be Hermione, but I was going to bet there was a connection there.

"It's an old vow. I don't remember the specifics, but… you two won't be able to go more than a certain distance from one another until you… consummate, the marriage."

Taylor's hand dipped in and out of the couch, coming back up with a carving knife which she laid across her lap. She did not look away from Remus as she did so. Remus gulped but kept talking.

"If you two harm each other physically or emotionally with intent, the vow will punish you for it with pain. If you were to kill your partner…"

"The vow will kill us." Taylor finished.

Remus nodded.

I started cursing under my breath.

Taylor tapped a finger against her knife.

"If, and I stress the if, we consummated it. Could we go our separate ways and live our lives with just a permanent piece of jewelry."

"No." Tonks answered not looking at any of us. "You could go your separate ways, never see each other again, but, ugh. The old vows like this consider infidelity to be a betrayal. The magic… you couldn't be with anyone else."

The noise of the bugs exploded to a whole new level. Before they all landed and fell silent. Then she spoke while looking directly at her ring.

"If my husband, Harry Potter, took part in our marriage, knowing what it meant and entailed in an attempt to entrap and coerce me, then I would consider such to be a grievous betrayal, and an attempt to harm me."

There was a moment of stillness and then magic surged through the room, through the rings, and through us. Even Taylor seemed surprised and aware of it despite being a muggle. I realized just what she was doing, what she was potentially setting me up for. And I really couldn't blame her. This looked really, really bad from just about any perspective. Fifteen seconds later the magic receded. I gave it another ten count before blowing out the breath I'd been holding and slumping back in my chair.

"Huh… honestly didn't expect… that." Taylor muttered before looking my way. "I'm sorry, I've been betrayed, a lot. And you seem alright but…" she trailed off and shrugged.

"Can't say I blame you." I admitted.

The Lupins were both looking at Taylor with bug eyed expressions, if I wasn't riding an adrenaline crash right now, I'd probably look similar. Taylor learned about magic existing less than an hour ago and she managed to exploit an old marriage vow she didn't even know the wording of to act in her own defense. That wasn't power like Dumbledore, or book smarts like Hermione, that was clever and ruthless and intuitive. Which could be really handy considering-

I blanched as I realized what I was thinking and what she had just called magic to judge me on.

"I'm sorry." I blurted out. "I just, if you're stuck with me that means… that means you're a target now too."

She blinked, looked at me and then frowned.

"Terrorists. Right, you're a high priority target and now I'm connected to you." She crossed her arms and scowled. "I suppose we could, ergh, consummate the marriage. Then I could disappear into some city's criminal community. Maybe even move from city to city. Might keep a few of the fuckers busy chasing false leads you could drop… but if they have some magic way to track people?"

Nymphadora wiggled a hand back and forth.

"They would need something to track you by, blood would be best and even then, it's tricky."

Taylor hummed.

"Then you'd be risking your life against terrorist, and I'd be risking mine against gangs… frankly I like my odds more than yours, but that'd be pretty callous. Last one standing gets on with their life and we call it a bust after five years if we're both still kicking?"

Ok, oww, that stung, but I couldn't exactly disagree either. I'd like her odds more than mine too.

"But you said this guy was genocidal right? Anyone that doesn't meet his pureblood ideology dies or lives as second class citizens?"

I nodded.

Taylor hesitated.

"I'd be pretty useless during winter, and if, if, I agreed to help I'm going to need some things to close the gap, magic bugs would be a good start. Knives and guns are going to be a must if I'm going to be playing counter terrorist."

Well, that was a terrifying thought. Swarms of magical bugs and guns in the hands of someone whose advice was "kill them first."

Nymphadora sputtered.

"Are you crazy! We're British, we can't just buy guns in America and take them back with us!"

"Well of course not. If we bought them that would leave a trail for someone to follow. But we're in America. Between your magic and my ability to search with my bugs we could all be decked out for war in a couple hours if we find the kind of dipshit that collects tons of guns. If we're really lucky they'll be the kind that ignores laws and mods them to be full auto. Or keeps military grade sniper rifles."

She looked thoughtful as she tapped at her knee.

"I can cheat a bit if I use bugs for aiming, but we should get plenty of ammo, so I have enough to practice with."

The Lupin's were spluttering messes. I started to laugh. Taylor was nothing like anyone at Hogwarts. Between the fifth amendment thing and the way she acted? Good bet she wasn't one of those cartoon heroes. And that was… well probably not what I'd have gone looking for in a wife. But if she was willing to help fight Voldemort… That could be really useful.

"You know I like that version more." I offered. "We fight the same group, and if we're both still standing when it's all said and done maybe we can make it work."

Taylor's lips twitched up.

"Well, they're not neo Nazi's so it's not quite like home, but they're close enough for stomping them to feel familiar. Tell me the full story instead of the cliff notes before I decide?"

"We've got the time." I agreed. This whole mess was shite, but maybe we could salvage something from it after all. Or at least not be miserable forever.

 

[Fencer]

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POV: Taylor Hebert

Wandering the city with my new husband was not how I wanted to spend my day. But there were things I wanted to do before we left, and things I needed to do if I was going to help fight a small war. I couldn't do any of those things if I left hubby behind so we were just going to get a head start on the whole 'getting to know you' disaster.

I was actually a little lucky. All it took to get the address of the shady magical marriage parlor was glaring at Nymphadora. Harry was curious enough about what I intended to do that I only had to ask to convince him to come with me after we'd tested how far from one another we could get.

The answer was about six hundred feet. Not a lot of room to range away, but enough to give some illusion of freedom. Tonks had been stunned and insisted it shouldn't have allowed for more than sixty feet, but I was betting my power's range had something to do with it. Which was a very good reason to find some magical bugs that thrived in the cold or we might find ourselves getting much closer come winter. Unless I could convince him to give up on the crazy Scottish Castle and find a property somewhere warm that we could turn into a deathtrap for any attacking force.

Harry had countered that idea by explaining what Acromantula were and how many were living in the forest by his school. Which had started a discussion about why he went near them without my powers, and how unbelievably lethal his school was. Harry further pointed out that the school being lethal could hopefully be turned in his favor for once and the fact that without magical protections the Death Eaters could probably just wipe out a normal safe house with Fiendfire.

I wasn't really happy about that argument, but he did make several good points I had no ready counter for. And the fact he seemed to be thinking in terms of tactics was reassuring, sort of, because if he couldn't even get a little creative on his own, I'd outlive him. And while that might solve a lot of my current problems he didn't deserve to die just because we were stuck together.

His cousin on the other hand… even if dragging the two of us into this mess was just her being too drunk to think straight. She'd still trapped Remus into a marriage that he couldn't get out of. She'd planned it out in advance. The fact Remus was angry, but accepting, was insane. Even if they had been dating already this was the kind of bullshit that should destroy a relationship.

Harry saying it was complicated didn't explain anything. Remus agreeing that it was complicated made me want to grab the man by the shoulder and shake sense into him.

"So, now that we're away from my auror cousin-" Harry started to say.

"What is an auror?" I cut him off.

"Magic police, and maybe a bit of MI5 type work as well? Not entirely sure. Didn't really grow up with all of this."

Right, he mentioned normal relatives, very briefly, with the kind of tone I'd heard from most of the Undersiders when discussing family. Landmine for another day.

"Anyway, now that we're away from her and we don't need to worry about plausible deniability, I've got two questions."

"Just two?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

Harry just grinned.

"Only two right now. You weren't one of the heroes, were you?"

I seriously considered lying, but he already sounded certain, and honestly the way I acted… Gunboat diplomacy is still diplomacy, right? But if we were going to be stuck together, and I was not jumping in bed with a stranger without a much better reason than losing a six hundred foot leash…We were going to have to work together. And that meant extending a little trust.

"I wanted to be, at first. But… I was a mess when I first went out, I felt like I needed to prove my worth before I could join them. I didn't really want to deal with a bunch of teenage capes either. It sounded like more high school drama and…" I shook my head. "I couldn't really take any more of that. So, I came up with the brilliant plan to go undercover, only my hero contact didn't want to give me time to work, and I started to like the people I teamed up with, and then there was this little girl I needed to save. I couldn't really help her unless I stayed part of the team, and two of the heroes had tried to kill me at that point and just…" I wasn't getting into my trigger with him now. Maybe someday if we became friends, but not today. Maybe not ever. "Before I ended up here? Before the crazy bitch got involved? I actually turned myself in. I remember sitting in a cell waiting for a chance to negotiate with someone. I wanted them to leave my friends alone, and in exchange put me to work hunting down the worst of the worst. It was something I'd be good at, and it was more important than just playing king of the castle with the city."

For a minute we walked in silence.

"Thanks for being honest." Harry said sincerely.

"What was your other question?"

"What are we doing to the asshole who performed the ceremony?"

That actually got me to chuckle.

"Hold out your hand." I said.

Harry glanced at me but complied.

I landed a fly in his hand. A fly that was carrying a termite.

"I'm collecting every termite I can and when we get there, I'm going to set them to chewing through all the supports. Would normally take a while for them to do serious damage, but it's pretty amazing what bugs can do when they're backed by human intelligence. Besides that? He's about to get the mother of all scorpion infestations and if the rings and money he has on site aren't locked up too tight? I could use some start up funds."

Harry gaped at me and I couldn't help grinning just a little.

"I'd like to storm in there and start swarming him with all the bugs while screaming about him being a slaver or something. But I want to keep my powers quiet. Surprise is only good once. I'd hate for word of what you married to get back to this lich of yours before I get to take my first shot at him or his people."

Harry faked gaging.

"Ergh, the wanker isn't mine. Saying it like that just sounds creepy. And why do you keep calling him a Lich?"

"Well, he's not exactly the classic version. Those are usually some sort of undead skeleton that can still think. I always thought of them as some necromancer binding his soul to his bones so he won't pass on, but most fiction skips the part about how they are made. Usually, they're fine with that and want to conquer something with an army of zombies."

Harry hummed thoughtfully.

"I don't think that's it. He was running around as a spirit, no bones involved."

Which was a good point. So, the fucker wasn't a lich. But then what was he? Drawing on the fantasy genre and fairytales for hints and clues and ideas sounded like it was going to be pretty hit or miss. But… well…

"Then maybe he's more like Sauron." I offered.

"Sauron?"

"The main antagonist from Lord of the Rings. He was killed in battle, but he had put a part of himself into his ring. The man who killed him, was tempted by the ring's power and chose not to destroy it. But so long as the ring survived Sauron did too, just not physically."

Harry's eyes narrowed and he worried at his bottom lip.

"The diary, the one from my second year." He muttered back.

My eyebrow shot up, but then I nodded.

"That would make sense. A memory possessing someone sounds a bit sketchy but if it was a piece of his soul or something…"

And man did I ever have mixed feelings about that. Soul's are real. See dementors and the feeding of. I wasn't going to run off and join a church, because I wasn't really impressed with any of them, but if heaven and hell are real too… Maybe it was a good thing I was trying to give up the villain life and turn over a new leaf.

"But he's still around." Harry countered, which was also a very good point.

"Could there be more than one?" I asked.

Harry scowled.

"That sounds like the worst case scenario, so knowing my luck? Probably. Unless we're well off the mark in the first place."

"Still, might be something to ask this Dumbledore about."

"There is that. Hopefully he'll give me a straight answer."

"Even if he doesn't, watch his face. People, even ancient politicians, give plenty away when you catch them off guard."

Harry only hummed thoughtfully so I let the topic lie for now.

We were finally in range of the chapel and I was going to ruin this man.

{}{}{}{}
POV Harry Potter.

Watching Taylor work was interesting. Not so much what she was doing with the bugs because I couldn't see that, which was mildly terrifying to think about, but how she effortlessly navigated a city she'd never been in to find every shady pawn shop, and back alley watch salesman. Selling off the wedding bands she'd stolen a few at a time with a different believable story every time.

"Man kept going on about owning a chapel here, but he was shit at poker. Bet me a few rings he had on him when he ran out of chips." Taylor said straight faced to the latest pawn shop owner who was busy examining the rings.

"Well, it's all fourteen carat, simple bands. So, you weren't scammed, but I'd bet he told you it was worth more than it is."

"I figured that even before I won them, but the man was terrible at cards. Easy money is easy money. What'll you give me for them?"

"Well, ten rings of this quality and in a basic design? I'll give you say, eighty per."

Taylor scoffed.

"You could melt them down and get more than that. They're probably worth one fifty from a jeweler."

"Sure, but this is a pawn shop, not a jewelers. And with such a boring design? If they don't move I probably will melt them down to sell for metal. Product sitting around doesn't make me money. I'll give you eighty five per, but no more."

Taylor did an amazing job of glaring like a wet kitten instead of a biblical plague. Then she made a show of glancing around the shop before perking up.

"How about eighty per and you throw in those punch daggers." She pointed at the small triangle blades with the weird handles.

The man behind the counter did some quick thinking and then scoffed.

"Girl, don't make me laugh. If you're going to try and screw me, at least try and be a bit less obvious about it."

"Fine, fine." Taylor waved her hand. "A ring per knife and eighty per for the remaining eight rings."

The man laughed genuinely.

"Much better! But no deal. A ring per knife and seventy five per for the other eight."

Taylor scoffed, then sighed, and offered the man her hand.

"Fine, deal."

"Pleasure doing business with you." The man grinned.

Ten minutes later we were back on the street, and I asked something I was sure I knew the answer to.

"You don't care about the money at all do you? You're really just after the weapons."

Her running count so far was two police batons, the punch daggers, three military knives in different styles, a small case of pepper spray, and a taser.

"Yup, but going to a bunch of different places gives me a few benefits though. Spreads the rings across the city and makes us harder to pin down. Getting the weapons as an afterthought muddies the water a little as opposed to just walking in and buying a number of weapons all in one place, and it gives me a chance to search for any gun nuts we could help with their very specific hoarding problem."

I really wasn't sure how to feel about… most of that. Actually, the only part I was fully on board with was screwing over the man who performed the ceremony. Loading up on weapons and planning to steal guns and bullets from a perfect stranger because it was convenient? Definitely didn't feel too great about that. Doing all of this so Taylor could be better equipped to kill Death Eaters?

That was a whole tangled mess I was still trying to work through.

Guilt that I was dragging her into my mess where she could get killed or worse.

Gratitude she wasn't holding me responsible for this shite and that she was willing to help.

A whole tangle of emotions I couldn't even pin down about the idea of fighting to kill instead of capture.

And the fact that I was now married to the most terrifying and confident girl I'd ever met…. That one might take another week to settle because I didn't even know where to begin on that.

"Hey, Harry… think there's any chance the whole marriage oath is tied to the rings?"

"I have no idea. Why?" And why do you suddenly look like you are plotting murder.

"Just thinking I could get through life just fine with nine fingers if it got us out of this marriage."

Well… it was something to ask about? Merlin damn it all, getting used to this girl was going to take a while.

 

[Fencer]

{}{}{}{} Taylor

Lopping off a couple fingers to get rid of the rings was apparently not the solution. The magic was tied to us, not the useless hunks of metal. Trying would just see the stupid ring jump to another finger until we ran out of digits. At which point you would end up with an incredibly thin choker.

Honestly the slave collar look might have been more honest if Harry had been in on it. Which he had not. I had to keep reminding myself. Too easy to just hate him because he's there, but he's in the same boat I am, and the easily activated magical bond agreed that he hadn't been trying to take advantage of me.

Now I just had to keep reminding myself until it sank in.

Much more productive to work on revenge plans for the crazy bitch and Nymphadora. Nymphadora would live, partly because she hadn't planned this and had caused it while drunk off her ass. Partly because if I was going to work with these people maiming one of them wasn't likely to win me any friends.

Finding the proper balance of revenge there was going to take some thought. Crazy bitch was apparently friends with Alexandria so murdering her for this insanity might not be great for my health. Sure, CB said I could kill Alexandria but my only plan for that could be stopped by a sealed helmet.

"Taylor?" Harry asked.

I hummed back as I focused on cleaning my new guns. It was something I was going to need to practice, because I'd only ever had the one pistol, and these were not the same.

"Time to get going. Tonks and Remus want all this shrunk down before we pack it away. Just in case, no one in the ministry should care about muggle weapons, but they don't want to take chances."

I glanced over my collection of weapons and my new clothes and essentials which were mostly still in bags. There had been more than enough money left over from selling the rings to buy myself some clothes and enough magic money looted from the building to get a small, enchanted, duffle bag. Seriously, featherlight and expansion charms? I was going to have the best and most extensive bug out bag possible just as soon as I could figure out what magical things I could use that might be useful.

"Right…" I reassembled the shotgun I was working on as quickly as I could. Then danced through the piles, picking out a few things.

Wearing a gun into a government building sounded like a bad idea. Even if the government in question would likely laugh at the idea of a non magical weapon being dangerous. But I wasn't about to go unarmed either. Especially not if I wouldn't have the chance to stop and re-arm myself until later.

I stuck the thinnest of the knives I'd picked up, a Fairbairn–Sykes, into the front pocket of my new hoody. The collapsible baton went in one pocket and a can of pepper spray in the other. I finished off by strapping the punch daggers to my wrists where the sleaves would hide them. Probably not the best place for them but at least they wouldn't be visible.

Harry looked at me like he thought I was crazy, but the idiot kept his only weapon, which was a relatively fragile piece of wood, in his pocket. I let that thought repeat for a few seconds, then I tossed him a can of pepper spray.

Harry sighed like a put upon adult dealing with an unruly child before chuckling and pocketing the can. I just rolled my eyes while my back was turned and started putting my new clothes into my bag. Nymphadora had a wand holster, and I was going to force Harry to buy one on pain of bugs in his food at the first chance.

"Are you sure we need to shrink the guns down?" I asked. "You won't be able to use magic once we're in the UK, right? I somehow doubt most people will be enthusiastic about helping me with my weapons."

Harry chewed that thought over as he started passing me things to pack away,

"I don't think they'll search your stuff. Especially not with your cover story. But I think it's better safe than sorry in this case. And I can probably convince the twins or Mister Weasley to unshrink them for you."

"…Fine."

I wouldn't be so worried about this if I could bring a decent swarm with me, but that just wasn't possible. And while I'd never had a problem calling up bugs on site so to speak, it still took a while for four blocks worth of insects to converge, and we had multiple teleports between us and safety. The best I could do was keep a few scorpions and spiders handy.

I'd actually collected twenty breeding pairs of black widows and with a little careful breeding I could hopefully have a proper colony large enough to remake my costume in a few months. If my power worked on the magic spiders though? Well, it would depend on how hard their silk was to work, but I might have a complete costume in days instead.

With the last of my new weapons shrunk and put away, I zipped up the bag and followed Harry to the suite's living room.

"Ah, good!" Remus said with false cheer. "Harry with Tonks, Taylor with me. We'll be side along appariting you, but we have to do this together or the bond… well it really wouldn't like you two trying to separate like that."

Nodding I took the proffered hand and Remus counted down.

"Three, two, one!"

Trickster's teleports were disorienting. This was nauseating. I stumbled away from Remus and only barely held onto my breakfast as I distracted my stomach with an exploration of the different swarm of insects now under my control. The building was much bigger on the inside, and the overlapping areas were… not giving me a headache, but they were definitely something I would need to get used to if this was normal for magic architecture.

Tonks had a quietly muttered conversation with someone who cast a bunch of spells on me and then winced. Tonks assured them that it was a drunken mistake on everyone's part. But they were getting me off of the streets, and really hoping Dumbledore might have some ideas to get me out of the marriage. She then very quietly mentioned that someone had let loose giant magic spiders near the school, and Hogwarts had been quietly looking for a solution for years, so this really might work out great all around.

The whole time I just scowled at anyone who looked at me playing up the furious teenager I hadn't really let myself be since getting dropped here. It didn't help anything, but in a weird way it also felt better to be open about how I felt about nearly all of this.

Bullshitting out of the magical US? Surprisingly easy.

We caught a portkey, which was worse than apparition, to England not even thirty minutes after we arrived.

Bullshitting into magical England as the bride of a national celebrity? Much harder. Nymphadora only got ten words out before the shouting started. Ten minutes after that Harry and I were jammed in an interrogation room together. Nymphadora had managed to convey that we couldn't be separated, but not how far we could get. So, shared interrogation room. With easily about fifty people listening in from the other side of a stone wall, which was clear from the outside, and conveyed sound. Because magic. I really needed to research just what kind of extra features I could include in my new costume with the help of some enchanting. Maybe look into materials other than chitin for the armored bits.

{}{}{}{} Harry

Taylor was acting again, but it wasn't like when she was selling off the rings. For that she had acted overconfident. Now she was acting angry and apathetic. Which was weird because apathy shouldn't mix with anything else, but she made it work.

"So, your name is Taylor Hebert?" The auror asking the question was a sturdy looking black man who introduced himself as Kingsley Shacklebolt.

"That's what I called myself." Taylor huffed. "Now it'd be Taylor Potter. Doesn't have much of a ring to it, but then again that's hardly my biggest complaint about this clusterfuck."

Shacklebolt's eyes narrowed.

"When you say that's what you called yourself…"

"I mean that literally." Taylor shrugged. "Search the world, you won't find any paperwork tied to that name unless there's another face to go along with it."

"You've been living under a false identity?"

"Not much choice. Parents disowned me. Even pulled something special out of the back of the family grimoire as a going away present." Taylor smirked, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Couldn't even let me keep my own name." Her eyes briefly darted to me, and I realized with a small pang that was one more nugget of truth she was slipping into her lie. Thanks to the bloody marriage. She really couldn't even keep her old name. Not all of it.

Shacklebolt stiffened.

"Your family wouldn't happen to have sold your name to the fey, would they? There hasn't been a confirmed sighting in-"

Taylor waved him off with a disgusted huff.

"I told you already, they pulled it out of an old family grimoire. No, they haven't had contact with the fey in… hell, I think it was seven generations? Just a spell they were given as payment for services rendered a long, long time ago."

Shacklebolt relaxed.

"And why did they decide to disown you? I'm sorry if that's an invasive question but-"

Taylor waved him off again with another disgusted huff.

"I get it, I get it. Mysterious girl with no past marries a national celebrity out of nowhere. Questions have to be asked because I might be up to something nefarious with the poor boy, beguiled by his hormones as he is."

I only barely swallowed a laugh at Taylor's disgusted tone of voice which I was sure she wasn't faking.

"Never mind the fact we're both underaged and shouldn't even have been allowed to marry. Believe me, I am in no way thrilled about this."

"I'm sure we can come back to that point in a minute but first, your parents?"

"Right, right. The petty, vindictive, genetic donors. So, they made some enemies, which was fine. They could mostly handle themselves. Only they got too full of themselves, and they pissed off a spell crafter, and he got really creative. He whipped up a curse, just for me, so I'd be an embarrassment to the family name."

Taylor held one hand over the table and made a repetitive sweeping motion I knew she didn't need. One fly, two mosquitoes and a cockroach all began to fly around the table. Then as Taylor made the motions smaller and smaller the wobbly uneven circle grew tighter and tighter until finally the cockroach drunkenly crashed into the fly, and both seemingly snapped out of it and took off.

Taylor huffed. Waved her hand and the mosquitoes went back to acting like normal insects. Then she did jazz hands at the auror.

"Tada." She deadpanned. "Mother and Father just couldn't live with the shame of their daughter having all her magic twisted into some funky compulsion spell for creepy crawlies. They disowned me, then dumped me in Vegas with no name, no paperwork, and no way to get any. I managed to make ends meet by playing exterminator for the no-maj's. Wasn't glamorous, but I was getting by."

"So, what happened? How did you and Mister Potter get married?"

Taylor looked at the man like she thought he might be mentally challenged.

"It's Vegas, and I'm underaged, which means I can get drinks without any trouble if I avoid the places that cater to rich tourists and go somewhere desperate for every dime they can get. I finished a job, didn't get stiffed on my pay, and the anniversary of my emancipation was coming up. I decided to get drunk for a night and forget everything."

She hiked her thumb at me.

"Then I wander out of the bar and meet this idiot nursing a bottle of rum on his own. We split what was left of the bottle, and I woke up the next day with a shiny new accessory and a small mountain of bullshit waiting for me in the soon to be warzone you call a country. All because the stupid whore with the thing for older men tracked us down and browbeat a couple drunken teenagers into making it a double wedding!" Taylor snarled that last bit.

Shacklebolt winced, probably in sympathy but maybe a little bit of fear. A little too much of the real Taylor slipped out there.

"Mister Potter, is that accurate?"

"Think you'll have to take her word on her life story, sir. But if you mean how we met? Pretty much. Tonks, sorry, Mrs. Lupin insisted I needed a vacation. She roped in Remus because he knew my parents and looks out for me when he can. She apparently arranged the ceremony in advance. I felt really out of place in the dance club, so I got a bottle of rum and went for a walk. Taylor wandered by looking ready to fall over and sat at the other end of the bench I was sitting on. We talked for a bit and then..."

I shook my head.

"Nothing, no memories past that point. Remus actually remembered though. He and Tonks followed the tracking charm on my bracelet. Dragged us along to be witnesses. Then Mrs. Lupin began to insist on a double wedding and we were all drunk enough to go along with it."

Shacklebolt nodded.

"Well, I'm sorry you both ended up in this situation. But it seems like everything is as in order as it can be given your background, Mrs. Potter. We'll likely spend a bit of time trying to verify your history, but given what you've said… I'm assuming your work was all done under the table? No tax records?"

"Had to be." Taylor shrugged.

"Right. Like I said we'll likely spend a bit of effort trying to verify your story but given your situation I doubt we'll find anything. I'd expect an owl sometime soon with citizenship paperwork for you. Welcome to Britain."

Taylor sighed, nodded and stood with the auror.

"Great if you'll excuse us, I'd like to get behind the strongest walls and wards I can find before my husband's fan club can catch wind of this and organize an assassination attempt."

Shacklebolt nodded and herded us out of the room in time to catch an older woman with a monocle glaring at a very much cowed Mrs. Lupin, and a crowd of gawkers all staring at Taylor and I.

Taylor glared at the crowd and stormed through to start shoving Mrs. Lupin by the shoulders.

"Come on, Nymphadora." Taylor stressed the hated first name. "You swore you knew a place hubby," she snarled the normally affectionate term, "and I would be safe from crazy terrorists and his rabid fan club. If I have to sit here and get gawked at for being a freak one minute more, I'm going to start feeding you spiders."

Tonks yelped.

"Ok, ok, please no spiders! Can't take the floo, that'd separate you kids. We'll apparate from the lobby."

Remus sidled up next to me and squeezed my shoulder.

"Wonderful we have a plan, now hurry up and lead the way. The sooner we're out of here the better. Then you can go back to calling Remus daddy."

Tonks face turned fire engine red, and she spluttered incoherently as she led us through the ministry.

 

[verycoolname]

Reposting the omake here!

---

Voldemort appeared with a crack of displaced air and waved his wand. Before the children his servants were fighting could react, a dome of green light enclosed him and Potter's squib wife, trapping her inside with him. The girl didn't hesitate to send the insects inside the dome at him. He simply sneered and dispatched them with a wave of his wand. The rest of her swarm buzzed futilely around the barrier. Occasionally, one of the acromantula threw itself against the dome, but Voldemort's only reaction was to smirk.

"So, you would be Potter's secret weapon? I must say, this is about what I expected from a child. Pathetic."

The girl's stare was cold and irritatingly disdainful.

"The same child who has killed you how many times now?"

Voldemort seethed inwardly as he sneered at her.

"How adorably ignorant. How about I give you a taste of true pain, then we'll see how defiant you are? Crucio."

Instead of falling to the ground and screaming, the girl just grit her teeth and let out a pained hiss. Voldemort held the spell for a full thirty seconds. The swarm raged outside the dome, but the girl stayed upright and met his gaze the entire time. Finally, he lowered his wand.

"How!?"

"I have felt 'true pain' before. Compared to that, you're nothing more than an enthusiastic amateur."

An amateur!? No one had endured his Cruciatus curse before. No one could endure! It had to be some trick! Voldemort snarled and aimed his wand at her once more.

"How can you resist!? you are nothing but a squib with an amusing parlor trick!"

Taylor snorted disdainfully.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"You have no secrets from me! I'll tear open your mind and lay your every thought bare!"

"I'd advise against it. My mind is not a nice place to be."

The foolish girl met Voldemort's gaze without a hint of fear. She thought that her esoteric mental defenses could stop him. Unfortunately, Snape had already told him of the girl's strange protection against legilimency. Just from the description, he could guess what she was doing. Bombarding an opponent with distracting thoughts and sensations was one of the most basic forms of occlumency. Using the sensations from the insects she controlled was clever but ultimately futile.

Severus might be stymied by such a thing, but the idea that it could stop him was laughable.

"Legilimens!"

It was worse than he'd expected. Millions, billions of perspectives. bombarded his mind. The sights, sounds, smells, and sensations of countless insects crashed down on him as endless waves.

He was the dark lord! He would not be foiled by something like this!

A trickle of blood flowed from one of his nostrils as he forced his way through the chaotic storm.

There it was! The girl's mind shone like a beacon compared to the rest. It was right there, in his grasp! It was open for him to pillage!

Voldemort reached it and saw the truth.

[Query?]

...Those were not the girl's thoughts.

[Contempt.]

Then Voldemort's head exploded.

~~~

"Bloody hell..."

Ron watched as Harry ran forward and grabbed Taylor into a tight hug. Taylor stopped trying to wipe Dark Lord brains off her shirt and returned the embrace while smiling wryly. Fred and George walked up beside him and stowed their wands as they shook their heads.

"Sic semper tyrannis."

"Hmm?"

"'Thus always to tyrants.' It's latin."

"Tyrants always get their heads blown up by teenage girls?"

"Maybe? I sleep through Binn's lectures."

Ron sighed loudly, cutting off their banter.

"Can you two help me talk to Mum and Ginny? Maybe get them to lay off Taylor?"

The twins paused and winced simultaneously.

"Ah, good point."

"Hey Gred, you think we should also cancel the prank we were planning?"

"I think so, Forge. Wouldn't want the lady who can explode heads by glaring at people mad at us, would we?"

"It does give me an idea for a new Weasely's Wizard Wheezes product, though!"

"A You-Know-Who bobblehead?"

"With brain-popping action!"

""Genius!""

Ron rolled his eyes as the twins high-fived one another. He looked back at the headless body of Voldemort.

Ron wasn't sure what You-Know-Who had been expecting for a legacy, but he doubted it was insulting bobbleheads(and knowing the twins, probably an amusing limerick as well).

 

[Fencer]

So, I've hit a minor stumbling block in that I need to go hit up a used bookstore and familiarize myself with a few things that have blurred with time and copious fanfics.

While I try to handle that here is what you need to know about the offscreen exchange of information I deliberately skipped because no one should need me to rehash all of canon for them and writing it properly would have included multiple stops for clarifying questions and just, no.

The initial exchange of information went something like… "the witch trials happened and we went into hiding. Unicorns dragons etc are real. Things were pretty good in general, some wars happened and now an undead dark lord who's basically a nazi is making his second bid to take over England then the world… probably. The government responded to that fact by torturing kids and running a smear campaign so now we are kind of fucked cuss he's had a year and we're only really moving now.

A golden idiot showed up and people started getting super powers. Hero's villains the whole deal. For a while it was awesome and then the villains really outnumbered the heroes. And then the Kaiju showed up. No not like Godzilla. These would laugh at Godzilla. Everything's kind of shit and a thinker… precog?… an oracle you stupid fucking- *deep breath* an oracle predicted her friend and I would get in a fight and I'd win so she did something to send me here.

Cut back to the story where Tonks shouts about not believing it and the kids eventually agree to play a game of Russian Roulette with magic terrorists for bullets. If one of them dies the other gets their life back. If they both die it didn't really matter, and if they both live they've got the rest of their lives to work something out or find more people to fight and thus keep the game going.

Taylor asks for the full story before she decides.

Harry does his usual thing where he downplays his achievements but tells her the story of his scar and his schooling. Far less detailed than the books but hitting all the important bits and doing a fair job of introducing her to the larger cast from Harry's perspective as he inevitably rambles about everyone along the way.

Taylor takes note of how he dodges talking about relatives and makes several unflattering comparisons to her team mates situations. Taylor takes note of what Umbridge did to children and decides she could have given lessons to the Winslow staff. She notes that the rest of the teachers took the same turn a blind eye lessons her old teachers did, while Snape actually participated, not fifth year but still.

Taylor admitted to wanting to be a hero, ending up a villain and then getting drugged and dumped while trying to start over properly.

 

[Ravenwood240]

*Taylor is on the Express.*

Taylor was sitting with Harry and some of his friends, quietly stewing over the illogical nature of Wizards. They have at least three forms of instant transportation, but force their kids to spend all day on a freaking train to get to school. Her neck itched everytime she considered how exposed they were, traveling a known route at a known time.

The three students coming down the coach stopped in front of the door and the skinny blonde one in the middle reached for the door. Taylor's bugs caught a glimpse of an ugly tattoo on his forearm before the door slid open.

"Oh look, mudbloods, scarheads and other trash."

Draco had barely finished his opening comment when Taylor was in his face and the end of her baton struck him in the side of his skull. His minions fared no better; their surprise held them still an instant too long.

Taylor stood over the bodies and then looked at Harry with a grin that sent chills down the spines of everyone in their coach.

"Hermione, didn't you say that British wizards don't know much about customs from other parts of the world?"

The three staff members stared at the scene. Three stands in the shape of Xs had been erected on the Express platform, and the three missing Slytherins were tied to them, naked as the day they were born.

Draco's Dark Mark was clearly displayed, and Dumbledore was very aware that at least thirty people had already seen this scene.

This was going to complicate matters.

Beneath the three boys, who were only remaining silent because of the leather straps attached to red balls wrapped around their faces, was a sign.

"By custom and law, I should have killed these cretins, who assaulted my family. Since I am informed that your society does things differently I have merely posted this warning. Should any one of these three be involved in a second attack on me or my family, I will not be so merciful."

"There is a curse on them: any attempt to remove them from the crosses before they have been up there twelve hours will castrate all three of them."

Dumbledore looked at Professor Snape, who was quite ready to do murder, and then to Professor McGonagall, who was staring grimly at Draco's Dark Mark and sighed.

This was going to be a very long year.

 

[Fencer]

{}{}{}{} Taylor

Snapping back to reality in a park lit only by the setting sun I let myself breath again. The gossip spread through the Ministry building like fire and everyone was saying the same things.

"Poor Potter, married to a crippled American."

"The girl's some sort of freak I tell you! Can't use a wand, but she can make bugs dance a jig."

"It's just like I told you, Adams! Breeding will tell! The boy's father went and married a mudblood and now look what the kids done to a long proud family legacy. Destroyed it!"

It was like being back in Winslow and surrounded by people gossiping for the sake of being cruel all over again. True these people didn't know I was listening, and their stupidly prejudiced worldview didn't mean jack all to me, but the distinctions meant surprisingly little right now.

I'd had more than enough bullshit thrown at me in the past two days and before ending up here had been the whole chain of disasters that had happened since putting on my costume for the first time.

Frankly I could use a vacation. Somewhere far away from Vegas. Maybe take an expedition to the rainforest hunting for useful bugs?

Sure, I might get attacked by the wildlife or some locals that hate outsiders, but after everything else? Those sorts of threats sounded more amusing than dangerous. Had to be safer than magic terrorists. Maybe there were magic bugs there too? Nature was scary enough on its own. Who knew what could happen when you started working in whatever bullshit allowed something like a dragon to get off the ground and breathe fire.

The neighborhood we walked through was painfully uniform. There were no expanded spaces and nothing that seemed even remotely odd…. Ok that was a lie. There were several things that seemed odd in this neighborhood.

A doll collection that bordered on hoarding. A very small and discreet drug den where a teen was carefully weighing out pot, and a rather enthusiastic swingers club I was pulling my swarm away from with all possible speed.

But there was nothing obviously magical about anything in my range. And Harry, rather than relaxing, was getting more and more tense.

"Is this safe house hidden or something? Or are bug senses just getting around the protections because people don't bother to put up protections against them?" I asked as much for clarification as to break the rising tension.

Harry barked a short humorless laugh.

"There're no safe houses here. Just my relative's home."

The way he said that… was I just a magnet for people my age with fucked up home lives? I needed Harry to have his head in the game here not… whatever this was.

"So why are we here?" I asked Remus.

"Dumbledore sent word headquarters might be compromised. We're mostly here to get Harry's things and wait until Dumbledore can get here. Then we'll move you two somewhere else." Remus answered.

Harry didn't look like he believed a word of it and was failing to brace for something. Well… if we were going to get through this shit show and not murder each other he needed to remember that he had someone on his side now.

"I brought a few scorpions with me." I started casually and smirked at the flinches from the Lupins and the "why" look from Harry.

"Some spiders too, but I've got plans for those. The scorpions on the other hand aren't as useful for me. So, rather than fighting to keep them alive through a Scottish winter… you think your relatives might like them?"

Harry snorted, then devolved into quiet chuckles.

"Well, don't do anything on my account. But if they're rude and you feel like showing off?" Harry shrugged. "I'm sure no one could complain about that."

If huh? Funny, I was thinking it was more of a when. From the looks the adults were sharing they agreed.

Harry took a deep breath and pulled ahead before turning down a driveway and knocking on the door.

A fat teen opened the door and grimaced.

"Harry." He sounded uncomfortable, but not hostile.

"Dudley." Harry's voice was flat.

Dudley winced as he saw the rest of us coming up behind Harry.

"You brought more of, of your lot with you? Dad's already in a mood, he's not going to be happy about that."

"Vernon's only happy when I'm out of sight." Harry countered.

Dudley offered only a weak grin in response to that before frowning.

"Are they all coming in, or?"

"Yeah, we shouldn't be here too long but… a lot's happening right now. I don't know. We should be gone later tonight, but…" Harry only shrugged.

Dudley grimaced but let us in.

We made it as far as the kitchen before the shouting started.

"Boy! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing bringing more of these freaks into my home! Bad enough you made me waste time picking you up just so you could run off the next day! Now you're bringing more freaks into my home?! I won't have it! Out! Out with the lot of you!" A fat man, Vernon apparently, shouted.

Harry's shoulders slumped a bit more with every sentence.

Oh look, he was being rude. Which I suppose is my cue.

"Mr. Dursley, I presume. I'm Taylor Potter, your nephew's wife. Wasn't really planned. but it turns out that Las Vegas weddings are a real thing, and magic makes them permanent. Can't say I'm a witch, but do you want to see some scorpions dance?"

The bugs in question swarmed out of my bag onto the table while the fat man was busy sputtering incoherently. When they did in fact start doing a shuffling sort of dance. Vernon lost it and tried to punch me.

I ducked the clumsy blow and whipped my combat baton into his face. His nose broke with a satisfying crunch. As he stumbled about clutching his face, I pulled my knife. When he stopped hollering long enough to notice he stopped moving and went surprisingly pale.

I just smiled. The Dursleys all looked about a hair's breadth from panic. I could just make out the others from the corner of my eye. The Lupins looked exasperated. Harry? The boy was hiding a tiny grin.

"Now that's no way to greet new family." I said with false cheer. As a small swarm began to flood into the room. "Don't worry though, we'll be gone soon enough. Still though, might be best if you three turned in early tonight."

The Dursley's heads bobbled weakly and they backed towards the stairs before bolting up at a dead run.

This? This was pathetic. Yeah, the smart thing to do against a cape is run but just… it didn't even feel like it was worth the effort.

There was a soft exhale behind me. I turned just in time to see Harry break down into wheezy laughter.

Well, at least he was feeling better

{}{}{}{} Harry

Three hours, a small pile of sandwiches and a lot of stilted conversations later, Taylor looked up sharply, about twenty seconds before someone knocked on the door.

Remus hid his wand up his sleeve and went to answer.

"Professor, ahh, um Minster Fudge, Madam Bones, aurors. I uh, can't say we were expecting all of you."

"I spent two hours attempting to dissuade them from this, but neither the Director or the Minister were willing to see reason." Dumbledore's said, As Remus led the group into the kitchen.

Taylor's body language was still relaxed, but I'd already learned that meant nothing, and she was keeping the kitchen free of visible insects as a courtesy to the rest of us. So, I couldn't watch the swarm for clues either. The truly telling bit was that her hands had disappeared into her pockets, no doubt to get a good grip on whatever weapons she thought might serve her best.

Probably the knife. She seemed to like the knife… maybe the pepper spray? There were a lot of people here and with that she could try and sweep the whole group.

Merlin, her way of thinking was rubbing off on me already. What would be the best spells for fighting a group? Incendio? Bombarda?

"I'd intended to come alone. But I find myself with less authority of late, and when they included themselves in this visit their security details… Well, I'm sure you can guess."

"I'm sorry, do you mean to tell me that you people concentrated four high priority targets in one unsecured location?" Taylor asked incredulously. I could clearly hear buzzing through the open kitchen window. "At least tell me no one else knows where the hell you all are." She demanded.

All the new arrivals looked at Taylor like they had forgotten she existed. Then the moment passed and the woman with the monocle smirked.

"We had up every privacy charm we knew when discussing the location and came here immediately after browbeating Dumbledore into bringing us. The aurors were all hand selected for their roles for their loyalty. It's not a guarantee, but it's as good as we'll get in times like this."

Taylor didn't look happy about it, but she nodded a grudging agreement before settling back into her chair. She did not take her hands off of her hidden weapons.

Minister Fudge cleared his throat before stepping up to the table.

"Yes, well all that aside I'm here on urgent business. You see what with the terrible news that, that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has returned… People are afraid and they've lost confidence in the Ministry, if you would make a statement in favor of the tough line we are taking with the Death Eaters…"

"Are you?" I asked. "Taking a tough stance or whatever?"

I only just caught the blink and miss it smirk on Taylor's face.

"I, well, all those captured were sentenced to Azkaban, and I've tripled the DMLE's budget." Fudge fidgeted nervously.

"Which did nothing to stop You-Know-Who from raiding Azkaban a second time." Madam Bones cut in with a sigh. "And while the extra funding is sorely needed, and a great help… It's going to take time to train more Aurors, and I suspect there are leaks in my department. Never mind the fact Azkaban is no longer an option for prisoners, or the fact that the dementors have joined him."

"I'm sorry." I said, not really meaning it. "You spent a year denying what Dumbledore and I tried to tell you, slandering us, you sent Umbridge to harass the entire school where she tortured some of us, and generally acted like she belonged in one of those Death Eater masks! Now you want me to lie to the whole country about how everything is under control?!" And that wasn't even getting into how he had dismissed everything back in third year, or arresting Hagrid in second!

Minister Fudge cringed, then seemed to collapse in on himself.

"I suppose it was always going to be a long shot." He muttered before glancing at everyone else in the room. "Well… I suppose I'd better be going then. There's more than enough work still waiting for me." With a curt nod he and two of the aurors stood and left the room before disaperating from the hallway.

"Madam Bones, I'm afraid some of what I need to discuss is only relevant to the Potters if you'd like to get your reasons for being here out of the way…"

She glared at Dumbledore for a moment before relenting.

"Mrs. Potter-"

"Taylor, please."

"… Taylor then." Madam Bones agreed with a small nod. "First of all, I'm here to apologize to you."

Taylor frowned and glanced at me, but I could only shrug.

"We just met today, what could you possibly need to apologize to me for?" Taylor asked.

"Less me personally and more my department as a whole. You should not have been allowed to leave without someone asking if you would like to press charges."

Mrs. Lupin shot out of her chair only to nervously sit back down under the director's furious glare.

"Quite honestly, I doubt you would have a case against Mrs. Lupin given the circumstances. We could file charges against the officiant of the wedding, but I don't have the resources to spare to press an international case right now. Frankly, Shacklebolt was being overly optimistic when he said someone would investigate your background."

The Director rubbed at the bridge of her nose.

"I only granted Mrs. Lupin three days for a wedding and honeymoon because she said she wanted no regrets with the way things are moving."

The metamorph in question wilted further until her hair was a limp muddy brown.

Taylor closed her eyes and nodded.

"Given that she's distant family of Harry's, I was already resigned to limiting my revenge against Nymphadora." Mrs. Lupin bristled but kept her mouth shut. "I'd love to press charges against the man who married us, but I suspected things wouldn't be so simple."

"We could press charges once the current crisis is handled?" Madam Bones offered.

"If it can be handled." Taylor muttered, then shook her head. "Sorry, I'm… I knew things would be bad. But for those captured to have already been freed, and now they have soul devouring monsters on their side… Harry made this sound like a tough fight, but I'm starting to suspect he understated things."

Madam Bones grimaced, but tellingly didn't object.

"Things are certainly dire," professor Dumbledore spoke into the awkward silence, "but things are not so far gone as for there to be no hope."

Taylor grunted something noncommittal.

"As for the guy back in America… sure, file whatever charges you think might stick, and either pass it off to the locals or we can worry about it later. At the very least he should be investigated in case he is doing this shit as a form of human trafficking."

Madam Bones nodded decisively and fished out a packet of papers.

"You'll need to fill these out and have them filed to confirm your citizenship. After that, expect a short delay before being owled your documentation."

Taylor nodded and accepted the small stack with a muttered, "Thank you."

"Now-" whatever else the director might have said was cut off by a cat patronus dashing through the window and the voice of a panicked young man shouting.

"Director, we need you back at the office there's been an attack!"

"Damn it all, we'll speak another time. Especially you Dumbledore! There are things I need to know to fight this war, and I'd bet my wardrobe you know most of them!"

With that last declaration, the director and remaining aurors disapperated away with a crack.

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and favored us all with a wain smile.

"Well, this has been a great deal more interesting than I would have liked. If you would be so kind as to tell an old man how this all came about? I'm rather afraid that rumor has already taken hold and twisted everything beyond recognition. I heard rumors ranging from Mrs. Potter being one of the fey, to her being a muggle imitating magic with some obscene technology."

I retold the story, skipping over the part where Taylor set termites on the chapel and stole all the rings and money kept on site. Mentioned picking up a few things to help Taylor in a fight. Then explained the cover story we came up with.

Dumbledore nodded through it all.

"Please stick to the cover story with anyone you might speak with." Taylor more demanded rather than asked. "The truth is less likely to be believed, and I'm going to need every edge I can get if I'm going to be fighting a bunch of reality warpers. I can't afford to squander the benefits of surprise when it might just save my life."

Dumbledore nodded slowly.

"Truthfully there are a few people I'd like to confer with over this, but you are right. In this case the truth is far stranger than fiction. Frankly this would be enough to have even my most steadfast supporters questioning if I'd perhaps gone senile."

Taylor ignored the weak joke and simply gave a sharp nod.

"While their absence had been convenient, I am surprised that the Dursley's have not made an appearance yet." Dumbledore half asked.

"They decided to turn in early." I offered with a grin.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow and hummed thoughtfully.

"Well, I suppose there's no point in waking them then, and we should be about our business. Yesterday we discovered Sirius's will. He left you everything which in this case means number twelve Grimmauld Place, all items within it, and a tidy sum of gold."

Great, a bunch of things I didn't want to remind me of Sirius.

"You can keep using it as headquarters." I offered instantly.

"If we're allowed to come and go and you keep us up to date on what the enemy is doing." Taylor interjected.

I glanced at her incredulously, but she only shrugged.

"You don't just give away a house. Especially not a safe house with enough protections to be used as headquarters for a resistance movement." She explained. "And I want to start making dossiers on our enemies. I'm not jumping into this fight until I've had a chance to remake my costume and practice with my new weapons, but I want to know everything I can about who we're going to be fighting."

Dumbledore's eyebrows both rose into his hairline as he looked at Taylor with fresh eyes.

"While I would not feel comfortable sharing all of the Order's intelligence, young lady, I would not deny Harry access to his rightful property. And I will see about releasing some of our more general information to you."

Taylor looked highly unsatisfied, but she nodded grudgingly. She was probably already plotting to steal whatever information Dumbledore left out, or start her own information network, or possibly just planning to force whatever information she wanted out of whatever Death Eater she crossed paths with first.

"Unfortunately, before anyone can resume using the house, we have a problem that needs to be addressed." Dumbledore said, breaking the awkward silence. "Knowing the Black family as you do, Harry, I'm sure you can imagine how displeased they would be for their home to both stray so far from the main line, and for it to be owned by one they would deem impure. It's entirely possible that they may have twisted certain magics in such a way as to deny your claim. In which case it would fall to the closest living relative. In this case that would be Bellatrix."

My chair skidded back and nearly toppled over from how fast I stood.

"Like hell!" I might not want the blasted house, but I wasn't about to let that lunatic profit from her murder of Sirius.

Dumbledore only nodded calmly.

"Naturally none of us are happy about the possibility. However, there is a simple way to check. If you have indeed inherited the house then you will have also inherited Kreacher."

Dumbledore flicked his wand and there was a loud crack. On the floor the house elf in question now rocked back and forth covered only by filthy rags. Taylor was out of her seat in an instant and had her knife leveled at Kreacher only a heartbeat after finding her feet.

"Kreacher won't. Kreacher won't. Kreacher won't." The elf croaked more to itself than to any of us.

"Kreacher be going to work for mistress Bellatrix! Not nasty Potter brat! Kreacher won't work for filthy half blood, won't, won't, won't!"

"As you can see, Harry, Kreacher is rather reluctant however if he is indeed yours, he will not be able to refuse your orders."

Kreacher snarled at the headmaster before continuing to rant to himself.

"I really do not want him." I glared at the elf.

"He's been around your Order for about a year, right?" Taylor asked, eying the elf carefully. "So, he knows a lot of things that should never reach the lich or his followers."

Damn it. That was a good point.

"Indeed." Dumbledore confirmed. "If he has passed into your ownership, Harry, he must obey your orders. Please, test it."

"Won't, won't, won't, won't, wo-"

"Kreacher, shut up!" I shouted the first thing which came to mind as I lost my temper with his never ending denials.

Kreacher made a squeaking noise and grabbed onto his own throat as if he was choking for a few seconds before throwing himself to the floor and banging at it with his hands and feet like a small child throwing a tantrum.

"...If he belongs to Harry," Taylor's face twisted into a grimace at that statement, "does he have to follow my orders as well?"

Dumbledore blinked at Taylor and hummed thoughtfully before waving at Kreacher as if to offer permission.

"Kreacher, as Harry's wife, I order you to stop behaving like that and sit quietly." Taylor said sternly.

Kreacher looked up at her like she had promised to burn Walburga Black's portrait and then sat cross legged with a huff. Taylor looked thoughtful as she finally put her knife away.

"Interesting." Dumbledore stroked his beard with a thoughtful look. "You say you have no magic, but there is enough about you that Kreacher can recognize the truth of your marriage and is forced to respect your claim over him… Very interesting."

The Headmaster shook his head before smiling at us.

"Well, that does simplify matters. I'll send word that we can resume using Grimmauld Place."

I nodded absently, but kept my eyes on the sulking house elf.

"Sir, what do I do with him? I don't need a house elf, and I definitely don't want to have him around all the time."

"Hmm. If I might be so bold, you could order him to go and work at Hogwarts where the castle elves can keep an eye on him."

Taylor looked like she was considering objecting before thinking better of it and shooting me a questioning look.

"That works. Kreacher, I want you to go and work in the kitchens at Hogwarts with the rest of the elves."

Kreacher glared up at me before disappearing with a crack.

"Well now. There are a few other things we may need to discuss in the coming days, but for now? I do believe you could both use a few days to rest somewhere safe and time to start adjusting. I don't suppose you would be opposed to staying with the Weasleys, would you?"

That suggestion was perhaps the best thing I'd heard since Hermione outlined her plan for the toad. Finally, something about this summer was going my way.

 

[Windborne]

"Skitter and the Kreacher" certainly sounds like a supervillain team up.


"Why does Mistress wish Kreacher to wear this?"

"It's your costume. Proper capes always wear a costume on the job."

"Oooo. Kreacher looks like Kreacher eats children!"

"...What is it with my style sense?"

Click to shrink...

This actually gave me a quick idea for an Omake @Fencer, and I'm just as surprised as anyone that I could even write this given my abysmal skill at writing dialogue and other bits necessary for a story, so enjoy. Feel free to put it as a side story, I'd be honored.

During Halloween sometime in the semi-distant future

"Taylor why are the neighborhood kids screaming while running away down the street this year for Halloween?" asked Harry while watching a group of youngsters run away screaming for their parents from the window.

"Well Harry, I know it's the anniversary of your parents' death and how you really don't like to be reminded of it, so I asked Kreacher to dress up in his Caping armor to scare them away right before they could knock on the front door." Answered Taylor from where she was reading by the fireplace with a mug of Hot Chocolate.

"….. Taylor is that the armor that includes an invisibility enchantment so it looks like Kreacher's a disembodied skull floating a couple feet off the ground?" groaned Harry past his hand with which he was covering his face, he was not sure whether to start laughing or crying.

"Yes dear." Answered Taylor, her hands idly turning a page in her book.

"Well it has been nice to not deal with the neighborhood kids asking for candy… so thanks. You too Kreacher…" admitted Harry.

"Yous welcome Master." answered Kreacher as he popped in to refill Taylor's mug.

Harry sighed. "…. But next year maybe you could just turn on the Muggle Repelling Ward with the switch you and Hermione designed for use in the Wards around Grimmauld instead?" he asked, in a voice he would never admit to being plaintive.

"But Harry, if I did that Kreacher wouldn't be having nearly as much fun." countered Taylor, with perfect poise and a suspiciously straight face.

"Mistress be's perfect Lady Black." Kreacher proudly stated, while polishing off the lenses in the mask his Mistress made for him during the War years ago.

 

[Ravenwood240]

Taylor examined the screaming portrait with a frown. She placed one hand on each side of the frame and pulled.

"Magically stuck there, huh?"

"Haven't found a away to get her off of there yet," Harry sighed.

Taylor nodded and pulled the curtain over the painting. "Well, let me think about it for a day or two."

A couple of days later, the breakfast conversation was interrupted by a small crash and strangely muffled screaming from the old bat.

Harry and the guests ran out to the entrance, while Taylor took a moment to finish her tea.

Harry was staring at the mess on the floor, bits of wood and the portrait of Walaburg, laying face down on the floor. The wooden remains of the frame were torn to shreds somehow, but no one could find any magic.

Taylor picked up the screaming painting and rolled it up tight, muffling the sound again.

She looked at the wall where the paining had hung and pointed at some black specks.

"Huh. It appears you have a minor infestation of termites."

 

[Fencer]

AN: Memetic Taylor is easy to write. Ron is pretty straightforward too. Hermione's a bit of a trickier and kept throwing me off, and Harry had me second guessing myself. New characters always seem to take a bit to get a handle on. Also, last time I rewrite Taylor's backstory, didn't even intend to do it again but Hermione just had to ask questions…

Thanks go out to my beta reader @Functionality

---

POV: Taylor

The Burrow was… something else. Structurally unsound seemed the most accurate description. The land it sat on could be summed up as rural. Not really my first choice of residence, but if the idea was to hide magic from the rest of the world… it made a certain sort of sense.

Mrs. Weasley was… plump, and loud, and judgmental.

She'd lit into Harry and I, but mostly me, when she found out we were married. Been easily deflected when Harry shouted it was Tonk's fault while the woman paused to take a breath. Then after ranting out both the Lupins and getting a bare bones explanation, she rounded on us again for underage drinking.

The only thing that kept the whole house from descending on us with questions about the shouting was some spell her husband cast to keep the noise confined to the kitchen. After a full day of bullshit I was officially over my limit for nonsense and condescension.

"Enough! Damn it, enough!" I shouted getting right up in the woman's personal space and very pointedly looking down at her from behind my borrowed glasses. "You are not my mother, and while Harry insists you've been good to him, you're not his mother either!"

Molly puffed up and took a breath, but I was having none of it and took another step closer. Surprised, she stumbled back a step.

"I have had a miserable life the past few years and I decided to take one night to just forget, Harry did the same." Being drugged hadn't been my choice, but I had decided to accept the offered drink for a chance to disconnect from my problems.

"If not for Nymphadora and the bastard that performed the ceremony this would have been one of the most normal teenage things I've ever done! Now I'm neck deep in a war and have a country's worth of strangers judging me without knowing me, and I have a complete stranger shouting in my face!" I leaned in and shouted the last to really drive the point home.

Mrs. Weasley looked torn between being offended and chagrined as my point hit home.

"If we're not going to be welcome here, I've been told Harry now owns a house which is impossible to find, and one of the most heavily warded in the country. Do we need to leave?" I stepped back and crossed my arms, but I did not break eye contact.

This wasn't home. I didn't have my costume, or reputation, or even the kind of bugs I'd prefer in significant quantities. But I absolutely drew the line at being bitched out by a busybody housewife. Especially over things that were actively ruining my life, and not my fault.

"While that is indeed an option," Dumbledore spoke up from where he had settled at the kitchen table, "I dare say you might regret the choice come meal times. Mrs. Weasley's food is not to be missed, and the pantry at Headquarters is… lacking." That incredibly inane bit of advice given the old man took a bite of cookie and a sip of tea.

"Taylor." Harry spoke up. Turning to look I found the boy grimacing. "I know this wasn't a great first impression, but could you give Mrs. Weasley a chance, please?"

I gave my husband the most exasperated look I could muster.

"Harry, are you going to go out of your way to defend everyone that manages to piss me off?" I asked. "Because, believe me, I could hear what they were saying on our way out of the ministry, and it's not going to be a short list."

Harry winced. So did mister Weasley actually.

"I haven't really defended Mrs. Lupin." Ok, point. He'd mostly just wanted me to not attack her. "And it's not like I'm all that impressed with most of wizarding Britain either." Then why was he hell bent on fighting for them? Or was this just standing his ground because the lich would hunt him down if he ran? "But Mrs. Weasley's been really great to me. Most of their family has, except Percy really, but he's just got a thing about authority and government. Please?"

Mrs. Weasley and I eyed one another carefully, and I got the distinct impression this was going to be the age old clash of wife and mother in law. I was not geared for that sort of passive aggressive nonsense. That had always been Emma and Madison's domain. Still, I only had one solid ally here, and he was asking me to try.

Blowing out a breath I nodded.

"In that case," Arthur spoke up, "why don't I show you your rooms? Harry you can have the twins' room, and Taylor you can use Percy's room."

I glanced at Harry but he only gave me an encouraging smile, so I nodded acceptance and shouldered my bag. Hopefully things would be better in the morning.

{}{}{}{} Next Morning

A screech fit to wake the dead had me rolling out of bed blindly fumbling for my knife and calling every bug into the air so I could try and get a full picture of whatever the hell was going on.

I burst into the hallway, knife in hand, swarm building to a crescendo-

"What do you mean you're married?!" A female voice shrieked from two doors down.

"Oh God damn it! I am not doing this again. Especially not this early!"

Three blurs stuck their heads out of the door to Harry's borrowed room. One brown, and two red.

"Don't scream like that." I growled. "I thought we were under attack!" Without even waiting for a response, I stomped back into my borrowed room to find the knife's sheath and my glasses. I was going to need a proper pair soon. I stepped out into the hallway fully dressed and armed three minutes later, running a hand through my hair. I'd need a shower soon, but first… well first I needed to meet my husband's friends.

"So," take the initiative, set the tone, every and any advantage is worth taking, "I'm Taylor." Alright never mind, there was absolutely no initiative to be had here. At least I could act confident. That was worth something. Right?

"Hermione Granger." The now less blurry girl about my age with bushy brown hair stuck her hand out almost aggressively. And I shook it doing my absolute best not to look nonplussed at how aggressive she managed to make a handshake.

"Good to meet you. From what Harry's told me you and luck are a good part of what's kept him out of an early grave." Which was true, though there was definitely some serious skill involved as well on Harry's part. Even if he had tried to play that down. I definitely wanted this girl on my side and helping me figure out how best to handle these Death Eaters.

Hermione blinked and glanced back at Harry, before nodding. Though the fact she kept her face so carefully neutral wasn't quite the positive response I'd hoped for.

The red headed girl, Ginny, Harry had mentioned her, gave me a long look before turning and leaving with a huff.

"Er, I'm Ron. That was Ginny. It's… nice to meet you?" The remaining redhead offered hesitantly.

"Same." And now I was running out of things to say. Skitter, warlord of the bay, defeated by awkward conversation with people my own age. "I don't suppose anyone kept their old school books, did they? I've got some idea of what magic can do, but if I'm going to be neck deep in fighting, I want as much information as I can get as a base. After that… Well, Harry was a bit sparse on details. I really need to know how wizards tend to fight, not just what they can do."

Hermione perked up slightly, but then frowned. "You're talking like you're not a witch…"

"I'm not. I've got magic," which was interesting, but weird and of obviously limited use, "but most of it is tied up in something unique to me." Just to stay consistent I made a pointless gesture with my hand before a few flies started to buzz in a circle around my head.

Ron stepped back in shock, but Hermione only frowned.

"You plan to fight fully trained wizards and witches with bugs?"

"I'm used to fighting out of my weight class." I waved her concern off. "And no, I'm planning to kill fully trained witches and wizards with anything I can. Bugs are just one trick up my sleeve."

"That-" the girl began to speak only for Harry to cut her off.

"Hermione, trust me, Taylor might not have told me everything she's been through, but she's serious, and I wouldn't bet against her just yet."

Hermione and Harry looked at one another. The kind of look that can say volumes. Finally, Hermione nodded and turned to face me.

"You can look through my old text books. I'm sure there are a few copies of the upper year texts somewhere in the house."

"Thank you." I said offering her a small honest smile. Maybe I really could have more allies than Harry.

{}{}{}{} Harry

It had taken no persuasion at all to convince Taylor to come out and do her reading in the shade while we played two versus two quidditch. Mrs. Weasley was being… terse with her, and she leapt on the excuse without hesitating. It was also the only way I'd be able to play with the stupid limit on how far we could get from each other. She seemed fascinated by the brooms for a while, but then settled down and focused on the books she had brought with her, jotting down things in a notebook as she went.

I was less than thrilled when the game came to a stop so the other three could grill me for details where they assumed Taylor wouldn't be able to hear them. I wasn't sure if they were right or not. Taylor had been more than a little vague about her power and how it all worked, but she mentioned being able to hear and see with bugs, if she had enough in place.

We were up in the air so any bugs nearby would be obvious, and I didn't think she'd have enough secreted away in hair or clothes to follow what we were saying, but that was guesswork at best. Empty hope at worst. Even ignoring the chance that she might hear, talking behind her back felt like a betrayal, and she wasn't stupid. Even if she couldn't hear the words, she would guess the topic.

"Guys really there's nothing wrong… alright that's not true. There is a lot wrong with this, but none of it is Taylor's fault." I said trying to cut the talk off before it could get started.

"Harry, mate, that bird came out waving a knife when she heard Hermione shriek this morning." Ron said with a carefully patient tone.

I sighed and leaned back letting my broom bob back and forth slightly.

"Taylor is a fighter, probably more so than any of us. She was actually thinking about just… consummating the wedding and vanishing into the crowds in the States. But when we told her about Voldemort, she offered to come help. We're… kind of gambling on who survives the fight?"

"I beg your pardon?!" Hermione hissed.

"If we both die fighting Death Eaters, then the whole mess won't matter anymore." I said.

Hermione reeled back, Ron and Ginny went wide eyed, and I pushed on before anyone could comment.

"If one of us dies the survivor is free and clear, and if we both live… We can worry about that if we get there." I looked away easily spotting Taylor against the grass. She didn't seem to be paying us any attention, but that really didn't mean much with her. "She's… most people hear about Voldemort dodging death? They kind of give up. She started trying to figure out how he did it, and if we could undo it. I told her about Death Eaters trying to kill me and she just shrugs and says I should return the favor. When we explained how many people he was going to hurt or kill? She volunteered to come here and help."

"Harry, that's not normal." Hermione stated firmly. "What kind of person just up and volunteers to risk their life fighting a mad man for someone they just met?!"

"She's not doing it for me, Hermione." I shook my head. "This is more like, like my saving people thing." And saying it out loud like that made some of the pieces click into place. "It's a lot like that. But… but not quite. She's… angrier, more focused. I'd rush in to save someone, and I think she would too, but for her… I think ending the threat matters more."

Me being a target wasn't enough to sway her on its own. Finding out that Voldemort would go after anyone he didn't like? That had lit a fire in her. If it was just about saving people, I don't think we would have left the states with so many weapons, or nearly so much ammunition.

"So, what?" Ron asked. "She's our age and just decides she's going to come fight a war? Mate, that's not normal."

"None of us are normal." I countered flatly. "We make a yearly habit of running towards danger and getting away in one piece." Well, not Ginny but she had come to the Ministry with us.

That scored a hit with Ron and Ginny judging by the dual flinches, but Hermione only frowned harder.

"Harry, this whole mess is so improbable that it borders on the unbelievable." Hermione insisted. "You go on a surprise trip to America, get drunk, get married, and the girl you get married to is an outcast from magical society who has had their magic twisted in a way that defies our understanding of magic in general! It makes no sense!"

Well, she wasn't wrong. Taylor sort of trusted my judgment about my friends, but she also insisted that the existence of mind reading and truth potions made keeping her origins secret a bit more important.

With a groan I angled my broom down towards Taylor. The others protested, but when I didn't turn back, they quieted down and followed.

Taylor glanced up with narrowed eyes as I got close.

"Harry?"

"Hermione doesn't buy that all of this was random chance, or the explanation about your magic."

"You did say she was clever." Taylor's lips twitched up for a moment as the other landed behind me.

"I did." I answered with a grin.

"Right so, 'I don't trust the stranger around my friend, her story doesn't make sense, something something magic doesn't work that way.' How am I doing so far?"

Hermione frowned outright and nodded firmly.

"I might not know everything about magic, but the ability to control bugs the way you do at the cost of your magic breaks at least one rule of magic as we know it, and I know that witches and wizards can't use the magic of other species. So, there's no way the fae could just hand out a human spell that does something they're infamous for. Then you just happen to stumble across Harry and end up married?" She shook her head. "One of those I could believe, we've seen and done enough crazy things to not dismiss them on their own, but all of them together at once?"

Taylor actually grinned.

"It would have made things simpler if you weren't quite that sharp, but I'm sure I'll appreciate it when it's pointed at someone else. I know I did when… well never mind. Sit down I guess."

Taylor waited patiently until everyone did before continuing.

"I'm not going to tell you everything, I'm going to fudge a few details, but it will be more than just the cover story I'm using."

Hermione frowned then looked at me.

"Honestly the full story is pretty much unbelievable, even by our standards." I scratched the back of my neck. "And it's kind of fun listening to Taylor invent stories on the spot that make sense."

"Harry…." Hermione turned her glare on me but I shook my head.

"Taylor, other than paranoia, do you have a good reason for doing the whole make up a half true story thing right now?" I asked

Taylor actually took a moment to consider that.

"Well, if someone gets it out of them it might keep a few assholes running in circles… and honestly there are enough assholes back home as is. Last thing we need is to import some of your issues, or for the lich to get hold of some of my enemies."

"... Do you really think they could find, er, them?" I asked.

"I know I don't want to take the risk. The Imperious curse you told me about? Depending on who they manage to snag and how well it works? That could be really, really bad."

"How bad?" Ron asked.

"Living murder blender the size of cow, man that turns into a dragon if he fights long enough, and a girl who can make bombs that turn humans to glass." Taylor described flatly. "Those were some of the worst from home. And there are others as bad or worse."

That… was new information. Merlin, no wonder she didn't want to risk the Death Eaters figuring out portals to her earth. Sure, it sounded impossible, but it wasn't worth the risk.

"Yeah, on that note, Taylor, could you please tell us a story that's missing some of the more important details?" I asked.

No one objected.

"Right, so, I was never a witch, my parents weren't magical either. But I've got an ability." Flies circled her head at a gesture. "And I'm not the only one. Your powers are consistent and learned, ours… aren't. They're all different and mostly instinctive. Thing is, we're rare. There are enough of us to get the word to anyone new about how things are done, but definitely not enough to get organized or anything like that."

She took a moment to gather her thoughts before continuing.

"We don't exactly mix well with government, magic or not. People see power and decide they want to control it, or study it. Take a guess what our response is?"

"You hide." Hermione answered.

"Mm, to one degree or another. But most people aren't interested in living off the grid. Some of us manage to hold relatively normal jobs, but others? You can make a lot of money if you're willing to treat laws as… suggestions. And if you're willing to do that it's not such a stretch to start recruiting, and if all you care about is money and power, well why take no for an answer? Eventually that's just the culture."

Merlin, she could spin a story out of nothing. I was half tempted to believe it, and I already knew the real story!

Hermione's eyes narrowed, again.

"You're a criminal." Hermione accused.

"Most of us are." Taylor shrugged. "If you want to avoid government notice, work with the people who do that as part of their job. As long as we don't draw attention by doing anything inexplicable where people might notice? We're usually good. But that does mean you can end up with competing groups. And one of my enemies had an ace up their sleeve. One minute I was trying to negotiate. The next I woke up strapped to a table."

"I got a uselessly cryptic warning, and a promise I can't trust that my friends were fine, but being relocated. Then I was drugged and dumped in Vegas not far from Harry. Given the things she said, the woman's almost certainly some sort of precog, a sort of seer, but given what Harry has told me, more reliable, and useful. It's entirely possible she intended for this to happen."

"Why? You said you avoid governments. Why put you in a position where all of magical Britain is aware of you?" Hermione demanded.

"Hell if I know." Taylor shrugged. "I've been calling her crazy bitch for a reason, well, multiple reasons. But that's certainly one of them."

"And helping Harry? Why would a criminal hiding from governments get involved in our war." Hermione demanded.

Taylor gave Hermione a very unimpressed look.

"There are all kinds of criminals. Since I got sucked into things? I've fought neo Nazis, drug dealers, slavers, and wandering serial killers. My friends and I? My team? We specialized in snatch and grab, robbery. You would not believe how often we found ourselves fighting against the absolute worst of humanity. I've got morals, more flexible than what you're used to maybe, but there are lines. This lich doesn't seem to care about any of them. I do not, like that."

As scary as all that sounded, I really hoped that part of this lie was true. We could use all the experience we could get. I really needed to have a long talk with Taylor about the particulars of her history sometime soon.

Taylor took a breath and leaned back.

"Look, I have no way of finding my friends. My other plan? Was to disappear into the criminal underworld of a strange city, where I don't know the players or the powers. And to do that I'd need to sleep with a complete stranger." She gestured to me. "So, when Harry explained how nasty this enemy of yours is, and just how many people could get hurt? It didn't feel right to walk away. It also gives us a buffer between 'nice to meet you,' and the honeymoon."

Hermione winced, and Ginny frowned, but both girls nodded a little hesitantly. Ron hummed before perking up.

"Well, if that's all sorted… can we get back to the game?" Ron said as he stood and headed for the brooms.

"Ron you can't just shrug this off!" Hermione scolded. "The girl is a criminal!"

"Didn't you keep a reporter captive in a jar, then blackmail her?" Taylor asked.

I laughed and caught a glare from Hermione for it.

"What? She has a point. And really? We need all the help we can get, Hermione."

I grabbed Hermione by the shoulder and steered her towards the brooms.

"But Harry-"

"Hermione, please. It's been a long few days. I really want to spend some time in the air. Taylor is on our side, and to be perfectly fair we broke into the ministry last year. We don't have the best record with laws or rules either."

She kept arguing, but by the time I got her back into the air she'd mostly subsided to grumbling. This definitely wasn't the end of it, but it was a start. Honestly was it too much to ask for my friends to not pick fights with my very scary criminal wife?

Dumb question. Yes. Yes, that would be asking entirely too much. Maybe Taylor and I should spend some time at Grimmauld place this summer. Give everyone a little breathing room and Taylor a chance to try and get the information she wanted. Might be for the best. Just maybe in a few days after I had some time flying. I really needed a break after that vacation.

AN: For those of you waiting on updates to my other ongoing fics I'm going to tackle Using the Force Made Easy next, then Archer, then back to this in a rotation. Pray for my muse folks Palpatine is mind cancer and writing him is going to be a bitch. Also, my kick ass beta reader @Functionality has suggested I find a second beta reader for this fic because HP is not one of their fandoms and they don't have all the background info. personally given what the fandom has done to HP I'm pretty sure no misstep I might make could even be that bad as opposed to some of the nonsense they've cooked up over the years, but I bow to the beta's advice. If you're interested in an unfortunately intermittent bit of work in exchange for early access uhhhh, let me know? Just... have patience with me. For I am always a bit unsure about starting a new working relationship for my hobby. I've had a range of experiences with this and I'm a bit defensive about my babies.