Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

[jcmoorehead]

Tokyo 2 – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Shinji Ikari

"Mr Ikari, or would you prefer Shinji?" The rounded gentleman asks me.

I immediately feel all nine sets of eyes on me as he asks his question and my cheeks burn up instantly. My mind immediately jumps into overdrive wondering how I should answer him. Is this some sort of trick question? Is this a test? Should I keep it formal or should I allow them to call me by my first name? What would they prefer to do? They are all older than me, therefore they should be the ones to decide, shouldn't they?

"S-Shinji is fine." I finally say after a little bit more internal debate.

"Very well, Shinji it is..." He pauses for a moment, "So, we understand that both yourself and Ms Soryu would like to appeal our decision regarding Mr Nagisa. First of all, I would like to ask, are you aware of why we made that decision?"

I allow myself to look around the room at the faces of each person, despite them not being here physically and the emitters that are beaming their images in make it appear like they are. I can see each one has their eyes trained on me, each one of them expecting an answer promptly it seems. I feel a level of discomfort matching that of those rare occasions I'd find myself in my father's office.

I fight back an urge to take a deep breath, I want to look confident in here and not nervous. Instead I try to place my arms on the table confidently. I bring up my hands and fold them just under my chin and nod.

"Yes, you believe that allowing Kaworu to travel out of Germany puts the world at risk. You do not trust that he is completely human."

"Hah! Well he does know something after all!" I hear one of the women to my left scoff, I ignore her as best I can. I've barely been in this room and spoken to these people for ten minutes and I already dislike the majority of them.

The man in charge does not flinch or acknowledge her statement. Instead he continues to look at me, his tone is light, "Correct. Now, this was not a decision we came to lightly. As the appeal pointed out, we are dealing with a person's freedom and right to live their life. You understand this?"

I take a moment to think about it, Misato did warn me about how these people might speak to me. I don't want to say or do anything that might put Kaworu at risk. I don't want to make it seem like I doubt Kaworu. I do however nod, "Yes, I understand."

"Where there is any doubt at all we have to act in the best interests of humanity. With that in mind, can you seriously say you doubt our decision?"

I turn to face the source of the question and come face to face with Shiro Tokita, the man who has been staring at me with a large amount of disdain since I arrived. There is a smugness to his voice that triggers some anger within me, I already seriously dislike him.

"Yes, I do because I don't believe he is a threat to humanity."

"Hmph, an Ikari willing to put the world at risk for their own desires, like fa-"

"Enough!" The man in charge interrupts him sharply as I feel myself tense up. This man was about to mention my father and compare me to him, he's trying to anger me and it's working. I try to calm myself as the chairman speaks, "I would ask that people maintain some form of calm during today's meeting and remember who we are. I would also ask that Shinji is offered the respect that he deserves."

Tokita falls silent but I feel more intensity from his gaze now, the other woman in the room seems to have backed away. I wonder just what sort of impression I've made, am I doing a good job or have I already messed this up. I can't help but think about how Asuka is or has done, she has a much shorter temper than I do.

Another woman now speaks up, the representative from the United Kingdom. She is more softly spoken than the others who have spoken up so far, "Perhaps it would be more useful if we could hear more from Shinji about Mr Nagisa. Starting from the time you met him, our own information is quite sparse concerning those events. Please, can you tell us how you met Mr. Nagisa."

I nod my head as I take a moment to try to recall those moments as best I can. It has been some time since I have thought about those moments in full. I have thought about little parts here and there, I've had nightmares about those times but I usually avoid thinking about it. I can't avoid it today, I need to confront this part of my past if I am to help Kaworu and Asuka.

I wonder just how much they do know at this point, if I should tell them everything or keep the details loose and fill them in if they need me to. There was so much happening at that moment in time, Asuka was in the hospital, Rei had been killed and brought back in her third body, I couldn't face Misato and the city had been evacuated.

I settle on just my meeting with Kaworu, "I met him by chance. It was... not too long after the battle with the sixteenth Angel."

"Were you alone when you met him?" She asks me.

I nod, "Yes. I was near to one of the lakes in the Geofront."

"Where was everyone else?"

"Asuka was... currently in the hospital, I do not know where Rei was and Misato was busy working." I reply, trying to give as honest an answer as I can.

"So, you were completely alone at the lakeside, what happened next?"

"I was standing looking out over the water and then I heard someone humming a tune. I turned around and then I saw Kaworu. He was sat on top of one of the statues that had fallen into the water. He introduced himself to me."

She nods her head, "When you met Nagisa, would you say there was anything unusual about him?"

I shake my head, "No... I wouldn't."

Once again, I feel the states of the committee on me and I feel a brief moment of embarrassment. I've spoken about my meeting with Kaworu very rarely and most of those times were responding to others. When I look back on that first meeting I do wonder why I didn't notice anything being off about him. He appeared so quickly, he knew things about me and the way he spoke was so unusual.

Maybe I did notice these things but... I was so depserate for friendship and someone to care about me I just didn't care about them.

"Absolutely nothing at all?" Tokita addresses me again, "You were a trained Evangelion pilot, the savior of humanity and you couldn't sense anything unusual about him? How was this possible? Either you are lying or not quite as sma-"

I begin to open my mouth to reply to him but before I can say anything the chairman speaks once more, "Let us remember Shiro that whilst Shinji was a trained Evangelion pilot he was not trained to weed out and investigate people. He was also a teenager and under a lot of stress and pressure at this time. He had just witnessed a friend's death and almost losing a second friend. I know myself that teenagers are not always the most observant of people under regular conditions."

His comment raises a small chucken from some members of the room but not from Tokita who just continues to glare at me.

"Therefore, I think it is fair to cut Shinji some slack in this situation."

"I did... notice something unusual about him when I met him." I speak up after Tokita falls silent. I wonder if saying this is a mistake but perhaps honesty will help, "He looked... well he reminded me a bit of Rei who I had found out wasn't... human not too long before that. I... guess I didn't think anything of it though. People can... look different, so I didn't see why that mattered."

"Quite a mature outlook for someone so young." The woman from before nods, "Was there anything else?"

I nod, "Yes, he kept on using the word Lilin which I thought was... odd."

"Lilin?" Tokita speaks again, much to my annoyance, "And this did not raise a red flag? The connection between Lilin and Lilith?"

I shake my head, "No, I... I didn't know what it meant. I thought that because he had come from oversears that it was just a foreign word. Asuka used German words all the time in front of me."

"But by that point you were aware of Lilith, so the connection must have been obvious."

"No, at that time I didn't know about Lilith." I reply, "I had seen it but I didn't know..."

"It seems, Mr Ikari, that there are a number of things that you do not know, nor were you aware of. How therefore, can we take you seriously during this discussion?" Tokita cuts me off and glares at me. I don't feel any intimidation from him, more just irritated and I really do wonder if I have done something wrong to him or if this is just how he is."

"Shiro..." The woman from before speaks up again, "You know just as well as I do that NERV kept a vast number of secrets and gave out misinformation all the time. Shinji will have been a victim of this as well."

"indeed!" The man to Tokita's right speaks up, he reminds me a bit of Kaji, "It is pointless to berate him for not knowing something which he had no means to know. Besides we are not here to find out what he knew about NERVs inner workings, we are here to discuss Nagisa. So, let's hear more about that, what was he like when you met him?"

 

[jcmoorehead]

Berlin – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Asuka Langley Soryu

Nine pairs of eyes are staring at me right now. I feel like some small prey being circled by a pack of wolves. It makes me uneasy, I know it's a complete different situation but the idea of me fighting alone against a group of foes... It's difficult to not be reminded of that fight.

I take a quick look around to try to put myself at ease. I try to gauge my foes, some of them look friendly, maybe even sympathetic to me and some of them seem to be not so friendly. In particular, the man named Tokita, is staring at me with such intensity I'd think he was trying to burn a hole through me. Already I get the feeling that he is going to be the one I have to be care with.

I remind myself one more time that I have to get through this and remain calm. No matter what these people throw at me, no matter how personal they get I have to keep calm and not lose my temper. If I do then this is all over, regardless of what Shinji accomplishes.

"So Ms Soryu." The chairman begins to speak, "It is the committees understanding that would would like to challenge our decision regarding Mr. Nagisa in hopes of reversing it. Is that correct?"

"Yes, it is." I reply instantly, nodding my head with some confidence.

"in which case, let us begin. Does anyone have anything to start off with?"

I decide the best from of defense is a good offence and get straight on the attack before any of them have the chance to speak, "You are all wrong about him. You are wrong in thinking he is a threat to anyone."

I see some of them look at me in surprise at how I've spoken up straight away. I like that, I want them to be surprised, you think you know Asuka Langley Soryu? You don't, you don't know the real her. I'm not surprised to hear one or two of them scoff at my words, I'm sure Tokita was one of them. I can still feel his eyes on me, and I'm tempted to turn around to him and ask him just what his problem is. Maybe I should charge him a viewing fee.

"The person you think Kaworu is, that Angel that tried to attack NERV years ago... it isn't really him." I continue to speak, "He knows what he was. He knows what he did and he admits his guilt. He regrets his actions, actions that you all know were born from manipulation of other parties. Now that they no longer exist he is his own person, in addition... he doesn't have any of his abilities as an Angel that he used to."

I trail off and the room goes silent. I see them exchange a few glances and wonder who will be next to speak. Actually, I already know who is going to speak and sure enough after only a few seconds more he opens his mouth.

"Well... Those are some strong words Soryu." Tokita speaks, I don't even get a 'Ms Soryu' from him, what a prick, "But I would like to ask you how much you really know about Nagisa. We, for instance, know that Nagisa was capable of manipulation. He manipulated the younger Ikari and many at NERV. Could it not just be that you too are being manipulated?"

He looks at me with a smug confidence, almost as if his question has caught me off guard. I simply turn to him, "No, Kaworu is not manipulating me."

"And you are sure of this because?"

A part of me wants to say that I wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated but it feels like a flimsy answer. In truth I'm not sure what I can say to that. It's just an attempt to make me doubt myself or slip up. Anything I say will be followed with 'Yeah, but how can you be sure?' Any doubt on my part gives them a victory. I'm not planning on losing.

Instead I go for a different tactic. I hate talking about myself, my feelings and my life but these people probably know more about me than I can remember. They will appreciate the impact this has.

"Because I love him."

As I expect, Tokita doesn't seem moved or bothered by my answer. Why should he? He probably doesn't give a crap about it. I do however see a few people exchange glances, I can't imagine the news about my relationship with Kaworu is a surprise to them but to hear me vocalize it might mean something.

"Each one of you probably has access to my records, to all of my psychological evaluations and reports from base commanders. That should be enough to tell you why what I have just said is important. If I had any doubts at all about Kaworu then I wouldn't love him."

"I fail to see how love proves any-"

"Leaving love aside..." The chairman clears his throat and cuts Tokita off, "I do not feel this line of questioning will get us anywhere. We are not hear to discuss Ms. Soryus love life, rather we are here to discuss Mr. Nagisa. Now, in your own time Ms. Soryu can you please tell us about your first meeting with Mr. Nagisa?"

"Gladly." I nod my head and turn away from Tokita. I feel like I've won some minor victory against him but this is just the beginning. I can't let myself become too cocky now, "It was a few months ago. I was heading to a small café near my old apartment. He was coming out of it and we collided with each other."

I hear a small laugh at my comment. I suppose it is funny, not too many relationships start with a literal collision. The person who did laugh looks towards me, a young man, quite handsome actually and somewhat disheveled addresses me, "Did you know that this person was Kaworu Nagisa when you bumped into him."

I shake my head, "No I didn't."

A woman across from him turns to me, "You didn't recognize him at all? Nagisa has quite a distinct appearance and is a former Evangelion pilot. There was no recognition?"

Once again, I shake my head, "No, I didn't. I had no idea who he was. When he was at NERV I was... incapacitated. I had heard there was a replacement but no one had really filled me in on the exact details."

"Curious." She muses, "Why did no one tell you of these things?"

I find myself becoming slightly irritated at her questions, they all must have known what I did... what I tried to do around that time. Why is it so difficult to believe I didn't know who he was. Still, I suppose they probably expect me to have been told or have even seen him before.

"No one told me because those were not pleasant times for me nor the rest of my friends. We prefer to not speak of them, however right or wrong that may be. I didn't know who Kaworu was, I had never met him before I went to NERV nor did I even know there was going to be a fifth child."

She nods and seems satisfied by my answer. I wonder if this was just a test for me to pass, to make sure what I said lines up with what she knows. A couple of moments later the man from before speaks, "So after this, what happened next?"

I can't help but smile as I recall those moments, "I didn't recognize him but he did recognize me. He took one look at me and ran away. He was terrified of me, he thought I'd recognize him and hurt him. I didn't find out who he was until the next day when I saw Rei."

"This is Rei Ayanami, correct?" I hear another one of them ask.

"Yes." I reply.

"And what was it Rei told you about him?"

"She told me who he was and that he was the fifth child. She warned me that he was the final Angel and had been sent to NERV by SEELE. She told me all about what had happened between him and Shinji and warned me to stay away from him."

The all exchange glances, some of them make notes. Tokita returns to his smug smile, once again looking like he has gotten exactly what he wanted.

"So, Rei Ayanami beleives him to be dangerous?"

"Believed." I fire back, "She believed him to be dangerous based on what she knew of him and what he used to be. She has since changed her views."

"And yet I do not see her here before us, nor does she seem to have lent her support to yourself or the younger Ikari in this matter. I therefore have to wonder what her true feelings are." He speaks as I resist the urge to reach over the table and slap him.

He knows why Rei isn't here, we were only allowed two people to plead our case and that was both me and Shinji. He's just trying to wind me up and confuse the matter. They all know why Rei isn't here.

The woman from before seems to have ignored Tokita, "Despite the warnings from Ms. Ayanami, you visited Nagisa anyway though?"

"Yup."

"Can you tell us why?" She asks, "Were you not frightened of him after what you had been told?"

I shake my head, "No, not at all. I kept in mind what Rei had told me, I was prepared for something to happen but I guess... I was intrigued more than anything. The person she had described was not the same as the one I had bumped into. After all, if he was this evil and powerful being then why would he run from me?"

I pause for a moment, "I know myself how much people can change so... I thought I'd take a look for myself. Besides he had... dropped some documents when he ran into me. I figured they were important so wanted to give them back to him."

"And what sort of documents were these?" Tokita barks at me.

"They were application forms to help him get a license to teach music." I reply calmly, "It's something he does every Monday."

The chairman nods and smile, "Indeed, this is something we are all aware of. Some of the paperwork had to be approved by us when he went through the process, nothing major just ensuring there was no risk."

I continue to tell my story, "When I arrived at his apartment he took one look at me and nearly slammed the door in my face. He was terrified of me, he thought I was there to hurt him. I, of course, was not there to hurt him and tried to explain that to him. I finally got him to calm down and he invited me into his apartment."

"So, he got you into his apartment." I hear Tokita say darkly, as if me going into Kaworu's apartment was part of some grand plan, "And he did not try to do anything to you?"

I shoot him a glare, "Believe me, if he had have tried something then he would have had something to fear. So, no, Kaworu did not try anything. He was a perfect gentleman."

I turn away from Tokita, "He was still scared of me as I went in there. When I got in, I saw his apartment was empty aside from a few small bits and pieces. Essentials and a small keyboard. I guess... I felt bad for him, he had been back for all those months but it seemed like he wasn't living a life. So, I invited him out to a concert."

"interesting." The scruffy guy from before speaks, "So this was the first proper meeting between the two of you. What happened in the weeks that followed?"

 

[jcmoorehead]

Hey everyone, kinda realized I've been quiet with any authors notes for this thing but thought I'd quickly add a few things, first of all as I said earlier thanks for the kind words on the past few sections. This particular chapter has been a difficult one to write, I had a few concerns going into it because I've never really wrote scenes like this, I had an idea of what I wanted to do but I still wasn't sure how it'd come out. So I'm glad I seem to be doing somewhat alright with it

So this is part 5 out of 6 for this particular chapter. The final part has been written and edited so that'll probably get thrown up on Monday. Then there will be quiet again for a couple of weeks as I write Chapter 18

Hope you enjoy this section. Thanks to @Alex for providing the ideas for quite a big moment in this part.

---

Tokyo 2 – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Shinji Ikari
"Kaworu was... kind to me." I tell them, my eyes remain glued to the table, "He seemed nice and I actually felt... comfortable around him."

"So, would you say there was a romantic attachment there?" Tokita asks me.

I feel my cheeks glow red immediately at him asking but I try to not show that his question has bothered me. I turn and glare at him, I can see the smugness on his face as he looks back at me for a reply. I wonder if he is being this was or was this way with Asuka as well, I only hope she can stay calm with him.

"I asked you a question Ikari." Tokita prompts me like some teacher talking down to a student.
"I'm not quite sure how relevant this is." I hear one of the other men opposite him suddenly speak as I struggle to find some sort of answer. In a way I want to be honest about this, I want to tell them the truth about how I felt for Kaworu but I've never really told anyone how I felt. The truth is that, yes, despite barely knowing him I did feel something for him.

I felt something for Kaworu, I liked the way he looked, I liked the way he smiled, I liked the way he spoke and I could see myself in his arms. There was only one other person I could see myself with and who I felt that way for, and that was Asuka.

"This line of questioning is relevant because I would like to establish Ikari's motives for doing this. A potential romantic interest means we can bring into question the truth of Ikari's statements, after all love can make us act strange, can it not?"

"Yes!" I cut him off because he can say anything else. I shift my gaze again towards Tokita and glare at him, "Yes, I did feel something for him. I was attracted to him."

"Interesting, and would you say you still have those feelings now?" He asks me.

I shake my head, "I don't know, my feelings are complicated."

"Well can I perhaps ask, have you spoken to Nagisa since he has returned?"

I nod, "Once, it... did not go well. We weren't ready to speak."

"I see, so then you will not know about his ongoing romance with your former colleague I assume?"

My stomach drops immediately on hearing him say those words. I don't even need him to speak them again, I heard them clearly and from the look on his face I don't think he is making it up. I keep my gaze locked on him as my body reacts in other ways. I try to not sure what he has said affected me but I can feel it, my stomach is churning, the sweat on my body and my legs are shaking.

Asuka... and Kaworu? They are together? It... It can't be true... can it? T-They have been spending a lot of time together and Asuka was very keen to help him. I... They never told me... No one told me... Asuka didn't tell me and Rei... Does Rei know? S-She... She must have done, she knew Asuka more than anyone recently.

"I take it from your silence that you were not aware of this fact?" Tokita asks me, snapping me away from my thoughts.

"N-No... I wasn't."

"Tokita!" The man opposite him speaks again, "Where are you going with this, this is hardly relevant to what we are doing."

"Oh, I think it is." Tokita replies, "It is documented that Ikari had feelings for Ms. Soryu and you all just heard it yourself that he had interest in Nagisa too. Perhaps his actions here today were just in hope of pleasing one of them in an attempt to rekindle that. Perhaps now that he is aware of the truth we can see honesty from him."

I want to run. I want to throw up. I want to vanish from here and never be a part of this again. A part fo me even wants to laugh at the absurdity of this situation. Asuka and Kaworu... they're a couple and I didn't know.

There is an awkward silence in the room, no one else here seems to be sure of what to say, Tokita is looking at me, his lips turned upwards in a victorious smile. I hate him. I want to reach out and punch him. I take a few deep breaths, I can't hide that this has bothered me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and Tokita knows it. He knew what that would do to me.

So, what do I do now? Do I just walk away from this? Do I just give up? Why am I even doing this? To help Kaworu, was that really the reason or was it for Asuka? I had... I had thought that being back in contact with Asuka... maybe there was a chance. I... I love Asuka, I love her so much. I want her to be happy. Nagisa... do I love him? I can't say, I love what I thought he was but I don't know who he is now. Still... he deserves to be happy too.

Both of them deserve to be happy, just like I do. I feel awful, I feel rotten and maybe even betrayed. It would be so easy for me to turn around now and leave this room. To tell them to do what they want with Kaworu but... what would that gain? Would that make me feel any better? Of course, it wouldn't! It'd just prove that side of me that tells me I'm awful right.

That... That would be something that my father would do. He'd turn away if he couldn't get what he wanted but... I'm not him. Asuka and Kaworu... if they're together then... so be it, I don't have a right to be with Asuka. I love her... I want her to be happy and if she is happy with him then I am fine with that. I will deal with it.

I take a final deep breath before looking at Tokita's stupid smug face one last time. I feel a confidence build up inside of me that I've not felt before, "I did not know about that but... it changes nothing. I am not doing this because of my feelings for those people. I believe Kaworu has changed, I believe he is a good person and I don't think anyone is at risk. People can change. The people I know now... they aren't the people they used to be. Misato... Rei... Asuka and even me... we're all different, we've all changed and... I think Kaworu has as well."

"Well that is all well and good..." Tokita starts to reply, he seems slightly taken aback by my reply, "Neither of you were former Angels tasked with destroying mankind. Everything you have just said is inconsequential, it is pure belief and nothing concrete. This is pointless, it is pure emotion and feelings from someone who clearly isn't thinking clearly. Chairman, I suggest we end this."

I sit in silence as I listen to his tirade and begin to question my own actions. Have I actually made a mistake in what I have said? Is he right, is everything I have said based on emotion and belief? That is true, I don't really know Kaworu has changed. I don't know anything really, Asuka asked me to help and I said I would but... I don't really know anything. I don't even know how to feel right now, I'm still in shock after finding out about the two of them.

When I think about it, they could be right. What if Kaworu is still dangerous? What if he is still an Angel but we just don't know it yet. He could be really good at hiding it, he might not even know it himself. What if I'm making a mistake here? I...

"I am still not convinced." A woman directly next to the chairman speaks. I think out of all the people on the table she is the only one who has not yet said anything outside of the initial introduction.

She seems stern, her eyes piercing and commanding. Tokita falls silent immediately on her speaking and she locks her eyes onto mine.

"Shinji, first of all thank you for being honest in regards to your feelings for Nagisa. I know such a thing will have been quite difficult. Not only due to his status but also due to certain attitudes in society but your honest does actually help us. I also apologize for any pain the recent revelation might have caused you."

She flashes a look at Tokita as she says that, it seems him revealing that little bit about Asuka and Kaworu has not impressed her and I wonder if all of these people are on the same page.
"If you can, I would like you to continue telling us about Nagisa when you met him back then. What sort of person he was before you knew he was an Angel and anything you felt about him when you did find out. Even if you feel it is inconsequential it might help."

I nod, "Okay."

"So, you met Nagisa by the side of a lake, you have already told us this much. I presume you spent most of the day with him after that, can you please tell us what you did during that day."
I nod and try to push out the thoughts of that revelation and instead focus on what is important. I'm going to help them, I am going to help Kaworu. I'm not going to run away, he needs me to help him.

"We had to perform a sync test not long after we first met. That went smoothly but I saw Misato and the others seemed concerned. I didn't think anything of it though, after the test we went to get changed and have a shower. T-There wasn't a lot to do in the city anymore, half of it had been destroyed and pretty much everyone was gone."

"You did not return to your own home first?" She asks me, her voice softening.

I shake my head, "N-No... I... I was avoiding it as much as I could. It just made me unhappy being there plus... Misato was always at NERV and Asuka was in the hospital. There was nothing there for me so... I was happy to spend time with Kaworu,"

"When you were with Nagisa did the two fo you discuss NERV, did you maybe tell him anything that might have... unintentionally helped him?"

I take a moment to think about our conversations, it is strange but I can still recall most of the details of that day to easily. Finally, I shake my head, "No, he... he seemed more interested in me personally. He wanted to know about me and my friends, he asked me about my father. I... I told him, it was so easy to open up to him. I didn't feel like he was judging me for anything I said he just... listened to me."

"i see." She nods, her expression has softened a little bit when it comes to me. Everyone else in the room seems to have taken a backseat to allow her to speak, even the chairman seems completely silent, "So after spending the night with him, what happened next?"

My eyes wander to the table and I reach out to my cup to take a sip of water as the memories of those moments come back to me. I look around to see the other council members looking at me with some curiosity, aside from Tokita.

"In your own time Shinji." She prompts me.

I take a deep breath, "I woke up when the alarms were going off. I noticed straight away Kaworu wasn't in his bed. I... I didn't know why but I just thought he had gone on ahead to take on the Angel and not woke me up. I put on my clothes and rushed to Eva Unit 01... When I got there... I was told that he was the Angel."

"And how did that make you feel?"

Not quite as bad as finding out the two people you love are in a relationship, my mind quips as I prepare a response.

"I... I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it." I admit, "Kaworu couldn't have been the Angel, he was... so nice but... it was true even if I didn't want it to be. So, I was sent to fight him. When I caught up with him he was floating down towards the lower depths of NERV, he... had an A.T. Field and was somehow controlling Unit 02."

"So, he had considerable power?"

I nod, "Yes, I would say so."

"And when you caught up with him did he say anything to you?"

"Yes." I tell them, "He... He admitted he was an Angel, he told me what the A.T. Field was and I chased him... towards..."

I drop off and look around the room wondering how much I should reveal. Many parts of this I've never revealed to anyone. I've generally been told to never speak of these moments before but am I safe here? They knew about Lilith so they probably know.

The chairman nods, "It is fine, we know about the lower levels of NERV and Lilith."

I give him a dry smile, "Kaworu approached Lilith and then stopped. He gave me time to catch up to him after I had stopped Unit 02 and then he spoke to me again."

It hurts me so much to think about that day. I knew I would have had to but I didn't realize how much it would hurt. At the same time, I didn't expect to learn about Kaworu and Asuka, that isn't helping me but... I have to fight it. I'm going to let them know that Kaworu isn't a threat.

"Why did he wait for you? Could he not have just gone ahead and completed his task?" Another person in the room asks me.

"Kaworu was... not there for Lilith and he realized he had been lied to as well. He... said that I should be the one to live and not him... He... understood something that I didn't and I... still don't really understand but he..."

My voice starts to tremble as I speak and I swallow down the lump that has formed in my throat. I killed a person on that day, I killed a person and... I've never been able to come to terms with it. I've never wanted to remember it. I hate remembering it. Why have I agreed to this? Why do I have to feel this? It's all... too much. I want to run away but... I'm not going to, I won't run, I won't cry, not here. Not in front of these people and especially not in front of Tokita.

"Kaworu let me kill him... He wanted humanity to live on. He sacrficied himself because he couldn't find any other way. I... I don't think he really wanted to destroy us, when I saw him he was questioning whether humanity really had to die." I look around the room, "If he was still an Angel now... If he still wanted that he could have done it."

I take a moment to make sure I'm composed, "I know you all fear him. I know what it is like to be scared but... I don't think he ever wanted to hurt anyone and I don't think he does now. I don't think we should fear him. I... I'm not scared of him and I... I want to see him... so that I can tell him I forgive him. Please... don't let your fear get in the way of his life."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Berlin – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Asuka Langley Soryu

"Nothing at first, we went to the concert and would message each other a bit. It was only a few weeks later that we started to spend more time together." I answer him before turning my gaze towards the chairman.

"Did he ask you or did you ask him to see each other again?"

"Neither." I turn to the source of the voice, "I don't think any of us had the nerve to ask one another despite wanting to. The next time I saw him was after the goons' you people had 'protecting' him decided to beat him up."

I look and see the smile fade from the face of the chairman, he looks regretful. Good, so he should, all of these people should feel regret at that.

"Yes, that is something which... I think we all regret." He speaks slowly, "It will be of no solace to yourself or Mr. Nagisa but our screening process has improved and we will continue to do so in the future."

"You're right, it isn't of solace to me but I'm sure Kaworu would feel better at that." I bite back, perhaps I shouldn't have sounded so harsh but thinking about that incident makes my blood boil. I can still remember how he looked when I went to his apartment, I felt so bad, so powerless and all he could do was blame himself.

It does however give me something, "This does raise a point, if Kaworu was, what some of you think he was then do you not think he would have defended himself?"

"Hah." Tokita smirks at me, "It is something that has been considered but perhaps Nagisa did not want to reveal himself as of yet. Remember we are not just discussing the possibility that he is still an Angel, we are also discussing the possibility that he is still in contact with SEELE. Your point has already been considered and dismissed."

I really want to punch his stupid, idiotic and smug face but I can't help but feel he has brought up a good point. This whole thing, it hinges on uncertainty, how do we know he is or how do we know he isn't. The truth is we don't, just like I could be an Angel but not know it or Shinji could be. How can I fight back against something like that?

All I know is I believe in Kaworu. I believe he isn't a threat and I want them to see that. I mean, the guy can hardly put on a pair of pants without stumbling over, how can he possibly be a threat?

"True." I concede, "But then if he was still in league with someone like SEELE would they have allowed such an attack? Surely, they would not have wanted their agent to come to any harm. Those people you had were highly trained, they knew how to kill someone. It was a risk."

He simply shakes his head, "Again that is irrelevant. Nagisa was attacked and managed to run away. Yes, it could have been worse but it wasn't. Considering who Nagisa is, I'd say he was lucky."

"And what exactly do you mean by that?" I feel my hand slam down hard against the table, pain shoots up the side and I wonder for a moment if perhaps I've damaged something. I don't let them see any pain on my face, "Are you suggesting he deserved it?"

"Not at all." He waves a condescending finger in front of my face, "I'm just suggesting that, like you, if could have been a lot worse. I mean, considering who Nagisa is, it is difficult to blame certain parties for feeling they have to take action. Perhaps those men thought they were protecting us."

I'm about to get to my feet when suddenly a woman to the right of the Chairman speaks up, "I feel that we have spent long enough on this. Tokita, your men were in the wrong for what happened and have been punished accordingly, there is no justification for that shameful attack. Ms. Soryu, we apologize to yourself and Nagisa for what happened."

I look again at Tokita, did I hear her correctly? They were... his men? Did he put them in place to watch over Nagisa? It's not worth thinking about now, I can find out later.

"Ms. Soryu." The woman speaks again, "It is quite clear to us that you feel strongly about Nagisa's current state. We would like to establish more of a timeline regarding Nagisa. What happened after that incident?"

"We spent a lot more time together and got to know each other more." I answer calmly, the rage fading away from me slowly.

"Of course, and what did the two of you do?"

I give a small shrug, "Usual things that friends do I guess. We watched movies together, listened to list and played video games. We just enjoyed spending time with each other."

"So, when you were with him, did you ever feel threatened by him?"

I shake my head, "No, absolutely not. Kaworu always seemed to be frightened of me. He was... afraid of a lot of things, the attack didn't help that either."

"And did you ever notice anything... unusual about him?" She asks, "Did he ever vanish for an amount of time? Was he ever hard to contact?"

Again, I shake my head, "I never had a problem contacting him if I wanted to, as far as vanishing went, he might have went for a walk around the local area but that stopped after the attack. Aside from that he didn't really do a lot, it wasn't really until I showed up that he started to do new things."

"You alluded before to the state of his apartment when you arrived. Can you expand on that?" She asks me.

I nod, "When I first went into his apartment he had nothing but the essentials in there. He had food, a television, a keyboard and something to play music on. He had only been back for a few months and he didn't really know anything about the world. He didn't really know what to do, like I said he was alive but he wasn't really living a life."

"I suppose this made you feel bad for him?"

I nod again, "Of course, after everything that happened to me I... I recognized some of what he was going through. I had seen it happen with Rei as well and... well Shinji too."

"So, after this when did you both take it from a friendship to being something more?"

I can see her making notes with each one of my answers and I wonder what exactly she is thinking. It's hard to gauge her, she seems to be giving very little, if anything away. I don't know if what I'm saying is good or bad.

"It was a few weeks after the attack, Kaworu had invited me to his apartment for dinner." i start to explain, "I... Something happened whilst I was there and I ended up kissing him. I guess from there we realized we were more than friends. It wasn't really traditional."

"It rarely is." She remarks, "I think I've asked all I need to for now. Thank you."

The room now falls silence, is this the end of it? I look between them all as they all make notes. What do I do now? Have they made up their minds or do I still have some time left? I wonder how this is going to go, no, I know how this is going to go. They're going to go away and tell me they've reverse their decision and Kaworu will be able to come with me to Japan.

"Ms. Soryu, I just had a few questions about you." One of the men to my left suddenly starts to speak, "It's just regarding your service record. It would be fair to say that you had something of a troubled upbringing, am I correct?"

I nod my head slowly, I don't like where this is going already. What does my upbringing have to do with this?

"I know this might not seem relevant to you but we do want to explore all possibilities here. It's a sensitive issue so we would ask for your cooperation. Now, you were put into the Evangelion project from a young age, in fact it could probably be said that you were put into it as soon as you were born?"

"Yes, that is true." I nod again, "I was around the age of four when I was 'selected'"

"Our records do state that when it came to certain aspects of your training you were exceptional. You were remarkable in your studies, in fact I believe you managed to obtain a college degree at the age of 13."

I nod proudly, "Yes, my tutors thought I was very advanced for my age and I was convinced to study at that level."

"Quite a remarkable achievement for a young girl, you must have been proud."

I was proud, keyword being was but when I look back on it I was miserable. What did my degree get me? All it was, was another weapon I could use to inform people how much better I was than they were. What did it get me, aside from allowing me to feel more isolated from others? Proud? Not a chance.

"Whilst you excelled in these areas, your record shows that there were difficulties in other places. I think it would be fair to say you were something of a… problem child."

I look at him and give an embarrassed smile, "I was… a bit of a handful. I admit that much, what is your point?"

"His point…. I believe." Tokita does not give the man a chance to speak, "Is that you had a problem with authority. We know how you berated your colleagues and your superiors, how you often defied orders in training and treated your guardians poorly. It is of course understandable that someone in your position would have lashed out."

He pauses for a moment, "Revenge against those who wronged you, it's understandable and with Nagisa you have an opportunity to take revenge against a world that wronged you. How can we know that you are simply not just covering for him, or are even in league with him?"

I feel my hand clench into a fist at his words but I manage to restrain myself. That is what he wants, he wants me to lash out. Any moment where I slip will just give him a victory, I won't give him the satisfaction.

I reply to him, as calmly as I can but unable to keep the snarl out of my voice, "Whatever happened in my past is in my past. I've done as much as I can to move away from that and the hideous wreck of a person I used to be. Yes, I do hate a lot of those people, the ones who saw me as a tool and nothing else. The ones who aided in murdering my mother but those people… SEELE were among them, and they're long gone now."

I turn towards the chairman and look him firmly in the eyes. I'm done here, I have nothing more to say, "I have told you all everything I have to tell you. Kaworu is no threat to me, no threat to any of you or this world. If you refuse to believe me then so be it, you can live with your foolish mistake. I'm done here."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Tokyo 2 – UN Embassy – Shinji Ikari

My hand tightly grips the sides of the porcelain sink as I try to steady myself. I look up into the mirror and see my pale and shabby reflection looking back at me, I look vastly different to the person I was this morning. My suit is slightly more disheveled, my tie taken off and stuffed into my pocket, my jacket open and the top two buttons of my shirt undone.

I turn the cold tap on and lean in to splash more cold water onto my face. I rushed here immediately after that meeting. It was like some sort of trigger, the moment my feet reached the waiting room and that door closed behind me I felt the wave of nausea rush over me. My stomach clenched and I thought I was going to throw up.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to. I feel slightly better now, only slightly, after taking these 5-10 minutes to cool myself down but I don't want to leave the room just in case. It was all just too much for me, the heat of the room got to me followed by all the things they were saying and the pressure put on me. It was all too much.

I look at my face again, beads of sweat and water trickling down. My eyes look tired, I'm exhausted and it's not even halfway through the day yet. They... They did this, one meeting did this to me, I have a whole new respect for people like Misato and Fuyutsuki who interact with these sorts of people all the time.

Events from the meeting roll through my mind, the questioning of me, of Kaworu, of my sexuality and then of course Tokita telling me about Asuka and Kaworu. My heart sinks when I think of the two of them together. I didn't... I never thought... No... It doesn't matter.

I breathe deeply a couple more times, trying to clear my mind and steady my trembling hands. I lift them from the sides of the sink and start to make my way towards the exit of the bathroom. I think... I think I'll be alright now. I'll get myself a bottle of water and go home. I'll sleep, I don't want to do anything else but sleep.

"SHINJI!"

I'm barely three steps out of the bathroom before I hear a loud voice calling my name. I turn towards its source and see a worries Misato rushing towards me. I prepare myself but thankfully she slows down moments before colliding with me, she pulls me into a warm and gentle hug. I don't resist it, instead I allow myself to melt into her and bring my arms up around her back. I bury my face into her shoulder.

"Oh Shinji, are you okay?"

It starts, I was keeping it together until now but her being her like this and doing this, it starts it. I shake my head and pull Misato tighter to me. I can't stop it from happening, I promised myself I wouldn't cry here, I'm supposed to be an adult but I can't help it. The tears well up in my eyes and I let out a muffled sob into her shoulder as she calmly strokes my back.

"Shinji I... I saw everything! I had no idea, I'm so sorry."

Again, I say nothing, just allowing myself to remain in her warmth for a few more moments. I let myself get some of that emotion inside of me out. When I finally do pull away from her I find myself face to face with her worried eyes. She has a small smile on her face and reaches into her handbag to pull out a small tissue for me to use.

I mumble and embarrassed thank you as I gaze from the watch patch my tears have made on her suit jacket back to her. I begin to wipe my eyes and she guides me towards a seat and sits me down. We remain still, her hand on mine, gently squeezing it for comfort. It takes another minute before I feel I can actually speak again.

"Y-You... s-saw everything?" I stutter out, my body still trembling slightly. I haven't been like this in a while, I guess being there, trying to be that strong person for that amount of time had a bigger toll on me than I expected.

Misato simply nods but I see anger in her eyes, "Yeah, they hooked up a video feed for me and Rei to watch it on. I think Fuyutsuki was watching it in Germany as well. I... I'm sorry you had to go through any of that, I can't imagine how tough it must have been."

I let out a small laugh, "You... You dealt with helping us and sorting out NERV after Third Impact. You spoke for us, you must have some idea."

She smiles again, "True but... In not one of those meetings did I... Well In none of them was my personal life questioned..."

She pauses for a moment, "Okay well... they did have questions! I just... it was different. I was... I was prepared for it, the questions they had were the faults I already knew about myself. My drinking, my neglect of the pilots and my actions. I didn't... find out the person I loved was with another. What Tokita said and did... it was below the belt Shinji."

I look up at the wall opposite us as I try to go back through the meeting. It all seems like a blur but Tokita does stand out for me. From the very start of the meeting through to the end he seemed to have it in for me. Not only that but he seemed to actually enjoy my discomfort when he told me about Asuka and Kaworu. What did I ever do to him? Why was he like that?

"Who... is that guy?" I ask Misato, "I mean... I know he is the Japanese representative on the council but... why did he hate me?"

"By all accounts he is an unpleasant man to anyone who comes across him but... there is some history there." She begins to explain, "I've only dealt with him once before, a long time ago before he got himself involved with these sorts of politics."

"When?" I ask.

"Do you remember the Jet Alone project?" She asks me, "It was around the time you first started living with me, you would not have met him but I did. I didn't recognize him at first to be honest but then certain things started to fall into place."

I cast my mind back as best as I can before nodding, "Yeah... that was the big robot thing, right?"

I can remember it pretty clearly. It wasn't long after I had started living in Tokyo-3. It was after me and Rei had beaten the fifth Angel, Misato had to go on a business trip for it. At the time I was frustrated with her, I thought she was lazy and a slob and I think to be fair she was. I thought I hated it but in a way, she was showing me a reflection of the real her, that she thought of me as family she would let me see that side of her she wouldn't show others.

It was still frustrating though. The 'real her' could still have learned to clean up after themselves.

Misato nods again, "It was. The Jet Alone was supposed to be an alternative to the Evangelion. It was supposed to be better and more capable than the Eva's. Internal nuclear power and piloted by an onboard computer or remotely. It was an expensive recipe for disaster. As you saw it all went wrong and Tokita has harbored a grudge against anything NERV related since. He even stuck his nose in efforts to compensate you all!"

I shake my head, "Why? I mean, it wasn't NERVs fault that his stupid robot fai-"

As I speak I trail off to see Misato looking somewhat sheepish. She looks at me and shrugs, "Actually... It was. I suspected something had happened after the incident, the timing was too perfect. I found like later that your father with the help of Ritsuko and someone else had arranged to sabotage it. Tokita doesn't know this but... well he suspects it."

I let out a sigh as Misato puts her arm around my shoulder again. So that explains why Tokita had it out for me during that meeting. He hates me because of what my father did. I suspect because I helped stop the thing he probably blames me for it. Just another thing my father did that I'm paying for.

My mind turns to the things he said and I look up at Misato, "Was... what he said about Asuka and Kaworu true?"

Misato nods again and sighs, "Yes... I asked Rei and she confirmed it. She felt... really bad about not telling you but I told her she shouldn't."

Misato pauses, "That was... something I wanted to talk to you about actually. You... like the two of them, don't you?"

There is no teasing in her voice like there usually is when she asks questions about my love life. She is seriously, scarily serious.

"Yeah... I do..."

"I see..." She pauses again, "So... are you mad at them for this."

I shake my head, "No... I'm not mad... how can I be? They met and became friends I... I can't be mad at them for that. It... It does hurt but... it's been years since I saw Asuka and even more since I saw Kaworu. I don't have a right to be in a relationship with any of them."

Misato's arm tightens around me, "You're much more mature than I would have been, I'd probably be sinking my seventh can of beer around now and smashed up the coffee table as well."

I laugh, "I don't like beer and besides... that was an expensive coffee table."

It does hurt, it really hurts but mad? I can't be mad at them. I don't want to be mad at them. I want to do the right thing. I'm not... I'm not him. I'm not going to let my jealousy or sadness ruin other people's lives.

I look to Misato, "Do you think I did the right thing today?"

Misato looks to be lost in thought for a moment. I know this must be quite hard for her as well. I know how she felt about Kaworu. She didn't like the thought of him returning, I don't think she believed he was human either but... she supported me. After a few moments she turns to look me in the eyes, "Did you... truly believe those things you said about him? That he wasn't a threat? That he was human?"

I nod, "Y-Yeah... I did."

Then... Yes, you did the right thing." She answers, "You could have walked away at any moment. Even when Tokita told you about the two of them you could have easily walked away from it. You could have said you changed your mind or you were unsure but you continued and did what was right. You did the right thing Shinji, I'm... proud of you for that and you should be proud of yourself."

Pride? It's funny that every time someone tells me I should have pride in myself or they're proud of me it also seems to coincide with a time I feel like I'm being torn apart. I don't feel anything but an aching in my heart right now and a strong desire to go home. Fortunately, it looks like Misato also shares that desire, "I think we should go now. I'll get us some ice cream on the way home to make you feel better!"

I look at her for a moment and fight an urge to shake my head. Ice cream? Is she serious? She is grinning at me, she is serious. I let out a sigh, "Misato I'm not a child... Yeah, Okay... Chocolate chip for me."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Berlin – UN Embassy Exterior – Asuka Langley Soryu
I wind my foot back and line it up before letting it fly forward. I immediately regret my action as my foot makes contact with the solid steel of the skip. A loud bang echoes through the alleyway as shake my shoe off and grab my throbbing foot. Those shoes aren't made for kicking things and those skips are not made to be kicked. I'm not going to give the stupid thing the satisfaction of hearing me scream out in pain.

Instead I bring my foot back again. I know it's a stupid thing to do but I do it anyway and another loud thud is as foot meets steel. This time I reel back as intense, white hot pain shoots through my foot and lower leg. I lean back against a wall feeling a wave of nausea rush over me.

"D-Did things not go so well?"

I turn my head at the sound of the meek voice and see Kaworu stood at the entrance of the alleyway. He is looking at me like a lost puppy might look at its owner. His head is slightly tilted and his face showing his concern. I tenderly rub my foot as another feeling comes over me, dread at what I am going to say to him.

I fucked it up, didn't I? I fucked everything up! Stupid. Fucking. Me!

What the hell did I expect to happen? Of course, I was going to fuck it up! That's what Asuka Langley Soryu does! She goes in, fucks it up and fucks off. I don't even think the invincible Shinji can save the situation now.

So now I'm left to explain the damn thing to Kaworu, the very person I was trying to help. I have to tell him that I've ruined his life for him.

"No!" I hiss at him angrily, "It did not go well!"

I'm about to take aim at the skip once more when he suddenly dashes forward and puts his arms around me. Both saving me from doing more damage to myself and also giving me some meagre and undeserved comfort. I struggle in his arms for a moment to keep my balance, standing with my good foot on the ground, my exposed and dirtied foot hanging precariously over the floor. I'm beyond pathetic.

"i fucked it up Kaworu." I sigh into his shoulder, my eyes stinging with tears, "And... I think I might have broken my foot as well."

Kaworu says nothing, instead he wraps his arms a little bit tighter around me and runs a hand through my hair. He moves to kiss me on the forehead, "You did the best you could have done Asuka. I don't think you have done anything wrong."

The best? The best I could have done? If that was my best then my worst must be absolutely dreadful. I pull away and see his face, he is actually smiling at me. Kaworu is smiling at me with that stupid, cute, perfect smile of his! Does he not understand what I just said? Did the idiot not hear me properly? How can he be smiling?

"Kaworu you... you don't understand... I... fucked this up," I try to tell him, "It wasn't them... It was me... I couldn't keep control. I lost my temper with them, I let them get to me. I didn't even stay to the end of the meeting. I just... stormed out after calling them all fools. I have fucked this up for you."

Kaworu is still smiling. Is he that stupid or is he just good at hiding disappointment? I wonder if he has even taken something but I know that can't be it. This is just Kaworu, he... he is smiling because he means it. Why is he smiling?

"Kaworu... Please say something! Aren't you angry or mad at me? This was... your only chance and I... I've messed it up for you." My hands grip his shoulders tightly as I plead with him, I'm not even sure what I want right now. Do I want him to be angry? Do I want him to yell at me? I don't want that, I don't want to be told I'm bad but this... this feels worse.

I pray that no one passes and looks into the alley right now to see how ridiculous this scene is. A girl hopping on one foot, nearly crying and gripping onto her smiling boyfriend's shoulders.

"Asuka I... I could never be angry or mad at you for what you did or didn't do." He finally replies, "I love you, Asuka, and the fact that you even tried to do this is enough for me. Regardless of what they say today, whether I am allowed to travel or not I am happy because... you tried. You have no idea how grateful I am to both yourself and Shinji for this. I am... at peace with the idea that things might not go our way because... at least I have your love. That means more to me than anything else."

I look at him for a moment, tears still burning in my eyes from the pain in my foot and the emotion of his words. Kaworu does... truly love me but why? I'm a mess, look at me right now. I'm pathetic, begging for him to be angry at me because I can't accept that I might be a good person.

I look him in the eyes, does he mean what he said? Does he truly mean it? Yes, of course he does. Of course, he means it because for some reason he actually loves me. Despite me not deserving it and being a failure this strange but wonderful guy actually loves me.

"Can we go now?" I mumble, keeping my hands on his shoulders for support and biting back the tears.

"Of course." he nods and smiles as we turn to leave the alley. He shoots a concerned glance down at my foot, "I think we should do to a hospital first though and get your foot looked at."

"No I..." I shake my head as I start to set my foot back into my shoe. My words fade as my foot makes contact and sends an intense amount of pain up through it and my lower leg. I feel my nails dig into his shoulders as I try to not let out a scream, "Okay, yes... hospital... hospital sounds good just... please don't tell them how I did it."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Tokyo-2 – Misato's Apartment – Misato Katsuragi

I step out of the apartment into the much cooler evening. As the door shuts so to goes the sound of voices and video games. All I am left with now is the ambient sounds of traffic nearby and the noise of a couple of kids still out playing in the courtyard below.

Today has been a taxing day for me, but even more so for Shinji in there. He does seem to be a little bit better though. I don't know if it's a brave face because I invited his friends over or if he does genuinely feel better. It's hard to tell with people, especially him.

I feel so bad for Shinji, I really do. I can't pretend I know how he feels or what he is going through. I've had my heartbroken before, and I'm sure I've broken hearts. Generally, I'm the one doing the breaking up or just denying them. It all started with Kaji many years ago and... well there haven't exactly been a rush of men since but... it's all the same thing, right?

I know Shinji loved her and I was so certain she loved him back. Still, five years is a long time and life isn't a fairytale like we'd sometimes like it to be. If it was then... well Kaji wouldn't be dead. This is just something that Shinji will have to get over, it'll be tough but he is still young and there are plenty more fish in the sea as they say.

I will admit, I was quite shocked when I found out about Asuka and Nagisa being an item. It wasn't something I had expected, obviously I knew that they were friends but romance? I was so sure Kaworu was... well when I look back at how he acted around Shinji... I know he was deceiving Shinji but there are some things you can't hide. Glances, looks and blushes, Kaworu... had all of that.

I suppose when I think about it I don't really know who Kaworu is. All I know is what I think he is or at least what I knew he was. I met him for a such a small amount of time, Asuka has known him for months now. I will say this... if he ever hurts her then he will have me to deal with.

I let out a sigh, the person I'm out here to meet should be along in a moment. I hope he is bringing good news with him. I look towards the elevator, right on cue in opens up and Fuyutsuki steps out giving me a nod of acknowledgement.

"Katsuragi."

I nod back politely, "Fuyutsuki."

"I take it Shinji is inside, how is he doing?"

"Better." I reply, "He's got some friends with him, he seems happier but today did take a toll on him."

"Yes... I can imagine." The older man bows his head, he looks troubled and I wonder if maybe he has heard something already. My mind starts firing questions but I remain silent, it's best to not say anything yet. I wait for him to finish, "They allowed me to observe it from my office here in Tokyo-2."

"I see, so you saw the whole thing then?" I ask him as my attention turns back to the now empty courtyard. I'm aware of the frosty nature of my tone, I'm always on my guard when around the old man. I know I have no reason to be but despite all his changes and how much he has helped I still can't find it within myself to completely forgive him for his role in all that happened.

"Indeed." He stands next to me and places a hand on the railing also looking into the courtyard below, "Shinji handled himself very well in there. I don't think there are many who would be able to hold their own against a group of professional politicians like that. He came across very well, almost unflappable he reminded me of..."

"His father?" I finish the sentence for him, "I don't think that's a comparison Shinji would appreciate."

I scowl but also have to admit that Fuyutsuki was right. If it wasn't for who Shinji's father was it might have been amusing, the body language, the stare and the way he spoke. It was all shades of his father. For some that would be a compliment but for Shinji it'd be the worst thing he could hear.

"Of course not, it was just the musings of a foolish old man." Fuyutsuki answers "I apologize I did not mean to compare the two, it is just I..."

"No, I know..." I cut him off sharply, "I could see it too but... Shinji is thankfully nothing like that man. Shinji fights for others and not for himself. Shinji would rather put himself on the line even if it hurts him dearly to help someone else."

"I know." He nods, "He is so much more like his mother in that regard. She too would not wish to hurt another in what she did, she too wanted to fight for and help others. She would always try to look for the good in someone."

"Still." He looks at me, "I am sure you do not wish to hear me ramble about Shinji's parents. I wanted to meet with you because I have some news regarding today's events. I thought you might like to hear it."

"Go ahead." I nod back.

"The good news is that the committee were very impressed with Shinji today, at least most of them were." Fuyutsuki takes a moment to pause, "Tokita cast his vote immediately after the meeting."

"Will that impact the discussions?" I ask him.

He shakes his head, "No, they do not need to be unanimous in their decision. Still many of them are taking the time to re-evaluate their prior decision. All, with the exception of Tokita, are discussing the situation and re-examining all the data they have on Nagisa."

"I see, so Tokita has taken himself out of the talks."

"I'm not sure." Fuyutsuki replies, "I think it is more a matter of them taking him out of the talks. His views are clear, no evidence or discussion will sway him, so what is the point of him being a part of it."

"Do they not think he could have a valid point hidden under all that malice?" I ask.

"Perhaps." Fuyutsuki taps his finger off of the balcony, "Do you think he has a point?"

"I..." I look away for a moment, what do my feelings on Nagisa matter? I am not a part of the discussion, if Shinji supports Nagisa then I will support Shinji, "I haven't thought about it but... Nagisa was an Angel. His actions did threaten our world. Out of all of them he came the closest to ending it all but he stopped himself."

"Still... He hurt Shinji by doing that and... a part of me hates him for that but it's not like I didn't play my part in hurting Shinji either." I look up towards the evening sky, "I don't believe Nagisa is a threat. Shinji saying it is good enough to me but...that and my own feeling aside I've seen the evidence. I've seen the medical reports and he's as human as me or you."

Fuyutsuki nods and I think for a moment I see the old man smile, "I'm glad you of all people think so."

"Can I ask... why are you so keen to help him? You didn't know Nagisa, you didn't owe him anything and yet you seem so keen to help him."

"Because he deserves a life, just like any of us do." Fuyutsuki answers me, "Because he deserves better than to be defined by the legacy of his past masters. Nagisa is unlike me or many others. He was not given a choice in what he is or was, he was born for a purpose and raised solely for that purpose. He was no different to Rei in that regard."

"Rei was different though."

Fuyutsuki shakes his head, "Rei was different due to exposure to people like Shinji and yourself. through those interactions she was able to change and grow slightly putting her on a different course to Nagisa. Had Nagisa had the opportunity to live like Rei did then perhaps he would have changed too."

"From what I saw Rei didn't have much of a life." I reply darkly.

"I know..." He bows his head, "Rei's upbringing is something I regret but Ikari had his reasons. Still he allowed her to attend school and interact with others. In a way it is those interactions that led to his failure."

"Rei betrayed him in the end."

"Yes, she did." Fuyutsuki nods, "Perhaps Nagisa would have done the same but SEELE kept him on a tight leash. He had no life, he was raised to die and had I not stepped in the UN were content to imprison him and pin the sins of his masters on him. I could not allow that to happen. Raised to die, be given a second chance and then left to die."

I nod and I think I understand a little bit more now. I think about how unfair that would have been. I know Rei has struggled over the years to come to terms with her role in what happened. She and Nagisa... they aren't too dissimilar.

"Gendo and SEELE... they ruined a lot of lives, didn't they?" I muse.

"I played my part in that willingly." Fuyutsuki answers, "That is why I try to make up for it today but I do not wish to see those children take the blame for the sins of those that came before. That is why I am helping Nagisa and that is why I try to help the others."

I nod, "Do you think they will ever return?"

Fuyutsuki shakes his head, "No, I do not. In a way I feel it is for the best, whilst it feels the people who orchestrated it all did get away with it the circus of a return of either of them would risk upsetting the way the world is. Who would put them on trial? How would they be tried? People would demand blood and then... you also have the section of people who view them as saviors."

"Saviors?" I scoff, "Really?"

"They are out there, loose scattered groups who think Instrumentality was mankind's salvation. It seems crazy to think of but if one of their adopted saviors returns then it gives them something to latch onto, it gives them a potential voice it..." He shakes his head, "Perhaps I am overthinking things."

"Perhaps. but maybe you're right, not just because of the risk of cult uprisings." I chuckle, "We've made a lot of progress, Shinji and Rei have made a lot of progress and if he... if he returned it might be damaging to them... to all of us."

"Indeed." He looks down at his watch, "I should not take up anymore of your time anyway Katsuragi. Tell Shinji that I should have an answer soon and I will contact him as soon as possible."

I nod, "Okay."

He starts to walk away as I call after him, "What about Asuka, how did things go for her?"

He stops and looks at me, "There was... something of an incident with Ms Soryu. Tokita felt it would be appropriate to prod a little bit too much into her past."

"Oh dear..."

"Yes, but despite her reaction to it I do not think their case was hurt in any way."

I step forward fearing now as to what Asuka might have done. I know the temper Asuka has and if they probed too much then she will have shown them it. She has only allowed a very small number of people glimpses into her past, me, Kaji and Shinji. Tokita must have known this and that's why he tried to goad her.

"What... was her reaction?"

"An impassioned plea for them to understand that Nagisa was no threat to them before calling them all fools and then walking out of the meeting. It was... mild compared to what she might have done in the past."

"I see... And you don't think it hurt things in any way?"

"Not at all, if anything I think they were impressed by how passionate she was regarding Nagisa." He answers with a smile, "I will now take my leave, I will contact you as soon as I know anything more.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Berlin – Hospital – Kaworu Nagisa

I lean back against the wall and smile awkwardly at Asuka as she sits, a scowl on her face, on the edge of the hospital bed. I know she hates being here, there are a number of reasons behind it. Hospitals remind her of an awful moment in her life. I have spoken to her about those moments on a few occasions. Not many, she doesn't open up to me much but she had told me bits and pieces, more so than most people with the exception of Rei and Shinji.

I know her pride has been wounded significantly by having to come here and also admitting how she did it. It would be one thing if she hurt her foot due to someone else but this was her own fault. She is embarrassed by that and that only serves to make her angrier.

She also feels guilty. She feels like she has ruined our chances of reversing the council's decision regarding my ability to travel. I have tried to tell her I would not be bothered if they did uphold their decision. The fact that she even tried means more to me than anything else. I love her and that will not change.

My words have done little to help. I understand, sometimes it requires more than words. I have been on that side of it myself. Sometimes it requires a gesture, me holding or kissing her might help. Not really things I can do here but I have a plan. I plan for a night of cuddling on a sofa, ordering pizza and a large quantity of ice cream.

It is my belief ever since I returned that 99% of human problems can be solved by ice cream. If you are feeling sad then consume some ice cream! If you are too hot, consume some ice cream! If you are too cold, get a warm chocolate pudding and have a scoop of ice cream on top of it. It's that simple.

I look towards the clock. It has been hours since we came here and even longer since the meeting. Truthfully, I do not expect them to reverse their decision. I do not think Asuka's actions will have any bearing on it, nor do I think Shinji's will. I just think that the fear those people have of me is too overpowering that they cannot be persuaded otherwise.

I am preparing myself for that decision, I will of course be slightly upset and disappointed if it does happen. I did want to see Shinji again, even after all that has happened. I wanted to meet him and see him perform. At the same time, I have to atone for the sins of my past. I know I have been told many times I am not to blame and I do believe that but my actions still hurt people and there must surely be some punishment for that.

So, I would not be mad or disappointed with Asuka or Shinji for not succeeding today. It fills me with such a sense of joy that they have even tried to help me. I cannot possibly express to them how it makes me feel that they would try to help me. Especially Shinji, by all rights he should have said no straight away, and yet, he did not.

Shinji had been hurt by me and yet he still has that sense of selflessness and desire to help. Shinji had been hurt by so many people. He was a soul in such turmoil. He had been abandoned by his father and forced into a life of pain and misery. His friends had left or been hurt and yet there was still some light within him that refused to go out, even if he didn't realize it.

He could so easily have gone against a world that seemed to exist only to hurt him but he didn't. He resolved to move forward. I think that is why I found myself so drawn to him when I first met him. I was given a simple task but when I met him I felt something within I hadn't felt before. I know the feeling now, I've felt it and feel it now with Asuka. It is love.

"Where the hell is this doctor!" I hear Asuka suddenly ask, snapping me from my thoughts. These are the first words I've heard from her for at least half an hour, "He said I could be discharged and that it wouldn't take long! So, where the hell is he? I just want to go home!"

"I am sure he will return soon." I reply to her calmly and smile warmly at her, "He most likely got held up with something else. You know how these places can be."

"No, I don't." She snaps back in annoyance and resumes her scowling. I slowly walk over to her and sit down next to her on the bed.

"How is your foot feeling now?" I nod down at the bandages appendage as she lets out a sigh.

"Better but still sore." She replies, "I feel like a goddamn idiot."

"You were angry, it was an understandable reaction to that." I make some feeble attempt to reassure her.

"Kaworu, kicking a metal skip whilst barefoot is not an 'understandable reaction', it is idiocy." She replies and then sighs again, "I... I'm just sick of me. I try to do the right thing and then just mess it up."

"Asuka... You haven't done anything wrong." I put my arm around her, "I am sure if you had have done we would have heard back by now. Instead we are sti-"

I am suddenly interrupted by the vibration in my pocket and the sound of my ringtone. I pull the phone out of my pocket as Asuka looks at me, "You know you were supposed to turn that off right, they put up enough signs."

I roll my eyes, "I... forgot."

I look at the screen, "It's Fuyutsuki! Should I... answer it?"

"Of course, you should you idiot! Hospital rules be damned!" She answers, "let him tell us how I messed everything up!"

"Asuka I don't thin-"

"Just answer the goddamn phone Kaworu!" She cuts me off and I immediately accept the call, standing up and walking to my previous location against the wall as I do so.

"Hello?"

"Nagisa." Fuyutsuki's voice comes through clearly, "I hope you are well, we had a report that said you and Ms Soryu were near the hospital, is everything okay?"

"Ah yeah." I look towards Asuka and give her a sheepish smile, "Asuka just... had an accident and hurt her foot."

I hear Asuka mumble something angrily under her breath but I'm not able to catch it as Fuyutsuki replies to me, "I see, well I hope it is nothing too serious. I know Ms Soryu dislikes such places. Regardless I shall not prolong this, I have heard back from the council."

My heart suddenly starts pounding in my chest as a sickly feeling forms in my stomach. It hits me suddenly just how much I want to hear him say they have changed their minds. I want this, I really, truly want this. I want to see Shinji again, I want to hear him play for us. I want Asuka to see him again, for their friendship to return properly.

I try to temper my expectations though. Try to tell myself what the most likely outcome will be. I try to maintain that they will not change their decision, why would they?

"What... did they say?" I finally ask, my hand trembling.

"The council have agreed to reverse their decision." He does not waste any time in replying to me. It's strange, in a way I was expecting this moment to be like the one you'd see in a television game show. I imagine Fuyutsuki in front of an audience, an envelope in his hand which he opens up to reveal I'm allowed to travel, I've also won a selection of fine prizes and a speedboat.

"R-Really?" I stutter out, "S-So I'm... allowed to..."

Asuka looks up at me and sees the grin that has spread to my lips. I can see the shock in her eyes and she leap up off of the bed, letting out a yelp of pain as her foot hits the ground. She hobbles over to me and snatches the phone from my hand.

"Fuyutsuki! What happened?" She asks him, "They... changed their mind? Even after..."

Asuka switches the phone to speaker just before Fuyutsuki begins to reply to her, "Hello Ms Soryu. Yes, they have agreed to, even after you said those things to them. I will admit, I was concerned about your outburst as well. A similar thing happened to Ikari but if anything, the passion shown by the two of you aided them in their decision."

"You mean... that actually helped?" Asuka exclaims.

"Indeed, although I wouldn't recommend you engaging in any further acts of debate or diplomacy."

I see Asuka nod, "I think I'll probably retire undefeated."

"Good." He almost chuckles, "You should know that their decision was met with some resistance. Tokita will be fighting the decision but I don't think you have anything to fear from him."

I try to think of something to say at this moment but I can't. I'm simply stunned into silence and wearing a big grin on my face. They actually reversed their decision! I can't believe it, I was certain they wouldn't. I am... actually going to be travelling to Japan in December with Asuka. I will get to see Shinji once again.

"What the hell was that guys problem anyway?" I hear Asuka ask Fuyutsuki.

I actually hear Fuyutsuki chuckle at her question, "Tokita has something of a grudge against anyone and anything connected to NERV. It is nothing that involved yourselves, I presume you are both familiar with the Jet Alone incident?"

Jet Alone? I try to remember but nothing comes to mind. Asuka nods and then looks at me, I shrug at her, "I'm not, they probably didn't consider it important enough to tell me."

Asuka also speaks, "That was that big commercial robot, right? They wanted it to replace the Eva's. Some sort of automated garbage that ended up failing during a test and nearly blew up half of Japan."

I feel my eyes widen with surprise, I truly had no idea such an event had occurred or that anyone else had tried to produce a machine that could match what the Evangelions did. I imagine my masters would not have been pleased by such a thing existing.

"Yes, Tokita was one of the leads for that particular project. He always said the reason his machine failed was due to sabotage from NERV. Since then he's held a bit of a grudge."

I see Asuka roll her eyes, "Great, so I assume NERV did in fact sabotage it, didn't they?"

"The particulars of that incident are not known to me." Fuyutsuki replies quickly and calmly, "As it is, I seem to remember NERV being cleared and the Jet Alone project being halted immediately due to safety concerns. It is something we should put behind us."

"Right." Asuka says, "Well let's just hope he doesn't try anything else. So, is this it then, we can arrange the travel?"

"Not quite." Fuyutsuki answers her, "There are some slight details I think I should mention. Whilst the council have agreed to allow you to travel they have made it clear to me that you will be monitored more so than you are here."

"Of course." I reply, I expected as much but I see Asuka frown at the news.

"A lot of things need to be worked out but I think you can expect to have a security team escorting you at all times. Your movements will be restricted, likely to your hotel and the concert venue itself but I will try to persuade them to allow for sightseeing."

I nod again, "I see, thank you. You... You have no idea how much I appreciate this."

"Think nothing of it, it was Ms Soryu and Ikari who did most of the work. I merely arranged the meetings." He answers.

"What about Shinji?" Asuka suddenly asks, "Does he know yet?"

"Not as of yet." Fuyutsuki answers, "It is quite late here in Japan but I will inform him in the morning."

"How... did he do in his meeting?" I ask.

"He did well, he... well he reminded me of someone I once knew. Only in his case he was fighting for the right thing." Fuyutsuki replies, "Tokita did of course try to throw him off course. Even choosing to reveal the nature of your relationship to him."

"Shit..." I hear Asuka mumble under her breath. I feel the urge to say the same. We were keeping that quiet for the moment and waiting for the right time to tell him. Asuka continues to speak, "Did he really?"

I feel my heart drop slightly as the good feeling I had from being told the good news fades. That must have been tough for Shinji to hear. I can see Asuka is struggling with it too, her hand is now balled up into a fist and I can see her ready to punch something. I place an arm around her shoulder, hoping that I can save her from breaking her hand.

"He did, I understand you both wished to keep things quiet for the moment so I thought it would be worth informing you, just so you aren't surprised when you get there and everyone asks you about it." He replies to her, not seeming to be able to detect our awkwardness at hearing that, "With that said I must leave now. It is late here and it has been a long day. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

"Yeah, goodbye." Asuka hangs the phone up and looks at me, "So... He told Shinji..."

I hold Asuka closer to me as I try to go over it in my head. Shinji know this must have hit him hard. He loved her and now he has found out I am with her. I betray him and then return only to take away the one he loves. Not only that but I have allowed this to happen knowing how Asuka feels for him. I have managed to put myself into a situation I have no right to be in.

I am an interloper, a confused alien thrust into a confusing situation. I love Asuka and I hate the idea that she is hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Shinji either. Both these people do not deserve pain at all and yet, I do not want to be hurt myself. I want to live on and continue to feel this love that I do. If it were possible I wish I could... No, it isn't possible. It does not matter.

I no longer feel good about this. I feel sick now. I feel like I should call him up and apologize. The only thing I can take from this is that in his moment of despair he still fought for me. Thank you Shinji Ikari and... I am sorry.

 

[jcmoorehead]

10th​ October 2021 - Kaworu/Asuka's Apartment – Asuka Langley Soryu
I am here once again, my finger is hovering over the button and moments away from calling Shinji Ikari. In the back of my mind I have that voice there once again telling me that this is a bad idea. I should just leave him alone, I've done enough damage to him and me calling him… I'll probably just hurt him some more.

Who knows what state he is going to be in! Rei said to me that he was fine but I know what Rei is like. She is probably just saying it so that I don't feel bad. After all, how can Shinji be doing fine? I lied to him and kept the truth from him. I knew how he felt about Kaworu and I'm sure what happened must have hurt him. I know if… well if Shinji and Kaworu were together then I'd be hurt.

It isn't just Shinji that the voice is warning me about though. It's warning me about my own state. I'm running on barely any sleep, painkillers and caffeine. I'm not in a good place, in fact I almost snapped at Kaworu this morning just for daring to ask me how I was. Chances are I'll do the same to Shinji and then what?

It's all my own stupid fault too. If I hadn't have let them get to me I wouldn't have said the things I did. I wouldn't have kicked that stupid skip and I wouldn't have a stupid broken foot.

The only good news that has come from it is that Kaworu is actually able to travel to Japan in December. That did make me happy but then it had to be ruined by the news of what Tokita had done. From ecstatic to angry in just a few seconds, that must be a new record for me. I am happy that Kaworu can come with me though. I wanted him there so much and I'm glad I was actually able to do something.

I'm just frustrated that I can't even celebrate it because of my stupid foot. I've been told I need to rest it for a couple of weeks so now I have… nothing to look forward to.

All I can really do is go against the advice the voice in my head is giving me. My finger hits the call button and I set the device down onto the table, switching it to speaker. It rings a couple of times and Shinji finally answers.

"Hey Asuka!"

I regret this already but to my surprise he doesn't actually sound unhappy. If anything he actually sounds quite happy albeit slightly tired.

"Hey." I answer him, finding myself unable to muster up any sort of confidence in my voice.

"Fuyutsuki told me the news! They reversed the decision, you were right, we were able to do it!" Shinji speaks and I find myself still surprised at the joy in his voice. Why isn't he upset? Why isn't he mad at me? Didn't I hurt him?

Or was I… wrong? No… I can't have been. Not about this.

"Yeah." I answer, "I was a little bit surprised to be honest, I… Well I might have lost my temper with…"

"Tokita?" Shinji finished the sentence for me.

I feel a smile creep onto my lips, "Yeah… that guy."

"He was an asshole to me as well." Shinji answers and I admit I'm a bit surprised to hear him say that, "He said a few things that weren't very nice. He also… told me about…"

"Me and Kaworu?"

"Yeah."

"Look about that…" I start to speak but I really don't know what to say to him. I have no words to explain it to him, "I meant to tell you but…"

"Don't worry about it." Shinji actually cuts me off, "I… know you're a private person Asuka and… you didn't have to tell me. I'm really happy for you."

I listen closely to his voice for any trace that he might be lying to me. It's hard to tell from voice alone but it is Shinji and I… I can tell. He sounds sincere, he sounds… happy.

"I know but… you shouldn't have found out like that. We didn't mean to hide it, we just…"

I trail off again as I try to find the words. We were going to tell him, after the meetings to be exact but Tokita didn't give us the chance. We knew it'd be strange if Shinji saw us turn up holding hands and sharing kisses.

"I understand." He replies, "You're both my friends Asuka, I know… that sounds weird because of what happened with Kaworu but… I do consider him my friend."

"I lied to you though, for a second time!" I say to him, not sure why I'm so desperate for him to be mad at me. Why do I seem to want people to confirm the bad things I think about myself? I don't want to be a bad person, I don't want to be thought of like that, so why do I try to persuade people to think I am that person?

"You didn't lie." He answers, "There wasn't a lie, you… just didn't tell me yet. Why would I be mad about that? If you weren't ready then… I understand. I'm really happy you're together, you both deserve happiness."

I sink back into the sofa. God Damnit Shinji… You… You're too nice, you're too pure for your own good. I should have known all along that he wouldn't be mad about this because that is what he does. I should have known because if he was he could have just turned around and not agreed to help us after he found out.

"Thank you." I finally reply.

"I'm just glad it all worked out." He says, "I told Fuytusuki I'll arrange tickets for the two of you. You're still going to come right?"

"Of course we are you idiot!" I laugh, "We wouldn't have gone through all of that to just turn around and not come! We will be there, so you better make sure you're on top form. I won't accept anything less than perfection from you."

"I'll try…" He answers before pausing, "Hey Asuka, do you… do you think you could arrange it for me to speak to Kaworu again? I want to make up for last time."

I nod, "I'll speak to him when he gets back from work and sort it out. I'm sure he'll want to hear from you. What did you want to say to him?"

"Just that… I wanted to say sorry for not hearing him out the first time and I wanted him to tell his side I guess." Shinji answers me, his voice becoming more serious, "I… I don't know if I can say I forgive him but I want to still be friends with him and move forward. He… deserves that chance."

"I'm glad you feel that way." I continue to smile, it seems my plans are coming together, getting those two to talk again will be easier than I had first thought, "Well, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to speak to you."

 

[jcmoorehead]

October 11th - Tokyo 2 – Rei Ayanami

I listen keenly as the notes from Shinji's cello glide through the air as he continues to play through this song. I look at him and it is as if he has transformed into a different person before my very eyes, he is absorbed into the song, his face one of pure concentration and confidence. He makes playing the complex sequence of notes look effortless as his fingers dance across the board. His other hand moves smoothly as it draws the bow across the strings.

I admit I am not overly familiar with this song. I have heard it during Shinji's attempts to rehearse but it is not something I have listened to on my own. When speaking to Asuka she has informed me that this song is considered a classic of the genre. I admit the song is interesting, it is quite lengthy compared to most music I hear and it has a high level of complexity.

Quite curious is the fact that Asuka did express some mild annoyance as the songs recent popularity due to being used in a television show. This confused me, surely she would enjoy the fact that more people would hear this.

The song comes to an end and Shinji plays the final few notes. Almost immediately I see him go from the confident instrumentalist to the shy person I know him to be.

"D-Did I sound okay?" He looks up and asks me.

I nod at him and smile, "You sounded perfect."

I look at him smile back and he blushes, "T-Thank you..."

"You are doing well." I say in encouragement, "Are the reheasals with the rest of the group going well?"

He nods, "Y-Yeah... I think they are anyway. I had to miss the last few because of the meeting with the UN but they told me it's going okay and I've been trying to practice on my own. I can... play all of the songs now and I think everyone else can so they want to do a run of the show."

"That is good." I continue to smile, hearing my brother speak with confidence and passion is nice. He has gone so long trying to find something to enjoy and be passionate about. I hope this show is the first of many for him, "I am sure that everything will go well for you."

"Thanks." Shinji sets his cello bow down for a moment, "Hey Rei... did you ever try to play anything?"

I shake my head, "No... Not properly, when I was younger our father did try..."

I pause for a moment and wonder if this is really appropriate to tell him such things. I rarely speak about my childhood to Shinji, it is not a subject that tends to come up and with good reason. It is pretty clear to the both of us that we dislike the person that we call our father and any discussions make us uncomfortable. Still, he has asked me so I should answer honestly.

Shinji seems to recognize the issue I am having, "It's okay Rei... He was a part of your life."

"Okay." I answer him, "Our father did enroll me in violin lessons but I am afraid I was unable to take to the instrument. In fact, in my childhood I was not drawn to music in any way. It is only in more recent years I have come to respect an enjoy the medium."

"Oh, I see."

"I was however able to draw as a capable level. Although I did not take any art classes it would seem I had some natural ability in that area." I explain to him, "I would do portraits of father, Fuyutsuki and even Doctor Akagi during my medical assessments, I would also draw other things. There was always a lot of waiting around during those times so it helped occupy my mind."

Shinji looks quite surprised at what I have said. I expected this, I have never told him about my prior artistic endeavors. It is not something I have really done for a long time.

"I had no idea... I never saw you do anything like that."

He seems apologetic that he didn't know, "No one was outside of father, Fuyutsuki and Ms Akagi knew of it really. I had not demonstrated such abilities outside of that environment and by the time I met you I was not drawing as frequently due to the increased medication I had to take."

When I speak I can hear the sadness in my voice. When I speak of my past like this I realise just how little of a childhood I actually had. I was encouraged to a minimal degree but I was never truly allowed to be a person. I was kept under a steady course of drugs to dull my senses and keep me focused on my purpose. I only wonder what I would be now had this not have happened.

I was just a tool to be used, a means to an end. Not too dissimilar to Nagisa. Whilst I was given more freedom in my life than Nagisa was it was not enough to change my nature. Any changes in my nature would be curbed by altering the dosage of my medication. I was seen as little more than a workman might see a hammer of a screwdriver by my creator.

Unfortunately, for my creator, I was able to push past that and become more than they had intended for me.

"I see... I... wish I had gotten a chance to see them."

"Actually... You can." I answer him, "When Misato took me to NERV she found a lot of my old drawings. I can show you them if you want."

Shinji nods at me, "Yeah! I'd love to see them!"

I smile back, "I shall get them after you finish practicing. I... must warn you, there are some of father in there... there are also sketches of yourself and Asuka in there. They... were the last ones I ever did."

"T-Thats okay..."

Shinji picks up his notes and starts to go through them once again, picking out the next song he wants to practice. As much as I am enjoying hearing him play and aiding him with this, it is not the only reason I am here. I feel some remorse for what happened to him in his meeting the other day. He should not have learned about Asuka and Kaworu in that fashion. This is my fault, I should have told him. Once again, I have failed my brother.

"Shinji..." I start to speak before he can finish looking through his notes, "I... feel I should apologize to you for not informing you of Asuka and Kaworu's relationship."

Shinji sets his notes down and for a moment I see a look of sadness cross his face, he lets out a sigh and looks at me, "Asuka... already apologized for that. I told her she didn't need to and you... you don't need to apologize either."

"I do... I kept the truth from you and due to that I have caused you pain. I need to apologize."

Shinji shakes his head, "No... You don't have to apologize. I... I know in this case it is more complicated and they probably wanted to keep it quiet. You did the same with one of your relationships and Hikari and Touji wanted to keep their relationship quiet at first too."

I look at him in confusion, "But everyone knew they were together, it was obvious."

Shinji shrugs, "I didn't say it was smart."

"Does the news of their relationship hurt you?"

Shinji nods, "Yes. It does... I... I loved Asuka. I loved her but... she doesn't belong to me. It's been five years, that is plenty of time for her to find someone and besides... I don't know if she liked or thought of me in that way."

I feel pang of guilt in my stomach and heart as I hear him say that. I know how Asuka felt for Shinji, I know she loved him. She had confessed as much to me over the years I got to know her properly. Yet, she found and fell in love with Kaworu. The human heart is a fragile and complicated thing.

"What about Kaworu?" I ask him. I admit, I do not truly know my brothers' feelings for Kaworu. I always did wonder what his feelings were for the boy but never asked.

Shinji blushes but also shrugs, "I... I don't know. When he told me he loved me I... I thought I felt something for him. I do... I like him... I thought he was attractive so I guess because of him I figured out a few things I hadn't quite figured out about myself. Back then I... didn't know if it was because I was desperate for kindness..."

"But now you think it was genuine?"

He nods, "Yeah... I think it was. I like him... I don't know if I loved him then or even now but I care about him a lot. I want him to be happy. Thing is... even if I did love him not it doesn't matter, it's not like I can do anything about it."

"No... I suppose not." I lower my head and wonder if maybe there is. Asuka and Kaworu care for Shinji and Shinji cares for the two of them. It would not be normal by human standards but... if they care for one another then why would it matter.

"Don't worry about it, Rei." I look up and see him smiling, "It... It stings but... I'll be fine."

"That is... good to know. I am always here for you if you need me to be." I reassure him."

"I know... thank you Rei." He nods at me and continues to smile as he selects the next song and starts to play his cello once again.