Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

[jcmoorehead]

October 28th - Berlin – Asuka Langley Soryu
I am once again sat at the kitchen table and lost in thought as I stare at my phone. I'm doing the sort of thinking that can sometimes be bad for me. The sort that allows me to get lost inside my own head, makes me relive moments or play out moments yet to happen repeatedly until I don't know what to do.

It's so easy to get lost inside that spiral and I hate it because I let it happen to me so much and all the time it always ends with me hating myself just that little bit more. This time I'm trying to make sure I don't get pulled into that spiral, it's hard because I have to relive some moments of my past and work out how things ended up the way they did.

My path so far has been to start with what Shinji told Kaworu the other day. He admitted certain things to Kaworu and I'm annoyed that he spoke to Kaworu about it first rather than me. I was the victim, I should have been asked first but what is done is done. Shinji is an idiot and I'll let him know that.

So now, Kaworu knows that side of Shinji. He knows about the things Shinji did to me in that hospital and he knows about the argument we had after Third Impact started. Well, I told him about my side of it, I guess I still have some things I need to confirm about that. I've came up with questions and things I want to say to Shinji when I contact him today.

At the same time, I've had to ask myself a few questions, one I didn't think I had to ask. Yet, due to Shinji bringing this stuff up it has become necessary for me to answer them. I guess the first question I had for myself was, do I actually want to see Shinji again? When I take into account all of those things, the hospital room, being left to die and instrumentality itself, do I really want to see him again?

Yes, I do.

Secondly, do I actually forgive him for all that has happened? Do I forgive him for each and every one of those incidents? I think I do. Previously I just wanted to forget about them. I wanted to store those memories in a dark corner of my mind and pretend they never happened. I never wanted to face them but I know you can't run away from things forever, no matter how much you try to hide it, eventually it will catch up to you.

The worst thing is, a part of me still wants to blame myself for those three things. It wants me to say that I was in some way to blame and made him do it. I know its bullshit, I know I wasn't to blame. He is responsible for his own actions, no one else. I need to understand that and when I speak to him, I need to make sure he knows this.

Thirdly, and I suppose not related to those incidents but in the lead up, do I forgive myself for how I acted. I hate who I was back then. I hate the image of that arrogant Asuka who looked down on people at any opportunity. The Asuka who yelled at people and made demands of them because she felt so superior to them all. I was not a nice person, I crossed lines and upset people and part of this is me forgiving myself.

Not yet, I still need to work on that.

I let out the sigh I've been holding and switch to his contact details on the phone. If I keep putting this off I get lost further and it never happens. The phone only rings a couple of times before he answers and I hear his voice, "Asuka?"

"Hello Shinji, are you free to talk?"

I try to sound as neutral as I can, I don't want to sound too friendly in this situation because we do have important things to talk about but I don't want to sound too serious either because I don't want to scare him off.

A part of me wonders if we should be doing this by phone at all. I think I'd much rather do it in person but then if I continue to put it off I know how it'll weigh down on both of us. If we get this partly resolved now then it helps us both. I also... guess I don't want Shinji to have too much additional stress when it comes to his concert.

"Yeah... Is everything okay?" Shinji answers me. I can hear the nervousness in his voice as he speaks to me. I hope he can't hear it in mine.

"They're fine." I answer him, "I just figured that we should talk about... well those things you brought up the other day."

The line goes completely silent and I do wonder if maybe he has hung up on me. I take a moment to glance at the screen, the timer is still going so he is still there. It takes a few more moments before he actually responds, "Yes... We probably should. I... I'm sorry about bringing that stuff up. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking... and that's part of the problem. You've always been a bit like that. Not stopping to consider what you're doing. Either that or... you were thinking too much, which is another problem." I reply to him, again remaining calm, "But... it's out there now, isn't it? So, I suppose we have to address it. I guess, we should have addressed it a long time ago, so we do it properly this time."

"Yeah..." he pauses, "Asuka about... what I did to you in that hospital room... there is... no excuse for it."

Shinji's voice cracks as he gets to the end of his sentence and I give him a moment to compose himself, "it's okay, carry on..."

"I could... tell you that I wasn't myself or I could blame the things that had happened to me that got me to that point but the fact is... I had a choice. I had a choice on whether or not to do it, I knew it was wrong but... I didn't stop. I violated you Asuka and I... I am so sorry for that."

I feel my skin get prickly as I hear him say those words. It feels so weird to hear someone else talk about what happened to me. It feels weird to hear it out loud, it's like confirmation that it actually happened. I swallow and then answer, "I forgive you. I've said that to you once before, many years ago and I don't know if you believed it then. I guess not because I don't think I meant it back then. I was just trying to forget about it. I was just trying to pretend it never happened and run away from it."

I pause as I cast my mind back to that moment I 'forgave' him many years ago. It was a very quick and one-sided conversation, I don't remember him participating in it at all. I had stopped him in the corridor in our apartment, I think he was on his way to the bathroom and I was about to go out. I said to him I knew what he had done and to forget about it, I said I forgave him. I walked out before he had a chance to reply to me.

I can look back on that moment with clarity now. I know fine well that wasn't really me forgiving him. At that point I had made my decision to leave, so I just wanted to give him something to feel good about before I left. The real forgiveness comes now. It is only now that I'm confronted with his words and his apologies that I can exorcise this demon within me.

"T-Thank you..."

"Please, believe me when I say that. I do forgive you. You are right, there isn't any excuse for what you did. I... can't even begin to describe how it made me feel when I did find out about it. I think... it's time to let it go though, it's time we drew a line in the sand and moved on from it."

"O-Okay..." His voice is still trembling as he speaks but there is a little bit more strength to it, "Does... Kaworu hate me now?"

I shake my head and let out a small sigh, "No... Kaworu doesn't hate you but he... well he isn't happy with it either. He's not quite sure how to deal with this, he had a certain... image of you I guess."

"I guess... I've let him down..."

"And he let you down Shinji, by betraying you and nearly destroying the world!" I answer Shinji, "All of us... we're all answering for some of the shitty things we've done in the past. Some of us more than others. Just... don't worry about Kaworu, he'll figure things out."

"Does he... well do the two of you still want to visit?"

"Yes..." I let out another sigh, "You're not going to get out of seeing us that easily Shinji. We are still going to visit you and that means that you had better be at your best for it. I expect nothing less than perfection from you. If not... well then I will be mad at you."

I hear him laugh when I say that and allow myself a quick smile, "Thank you Asuka..."

I'm about to say goodbye to him but before I do I glance down at the floor and something catches my eye. The coffee that was spilled the other day has stained the floorboards. I guess this isn't over just yet, I still have one more demon to get rid of.

I've thought quite a bit about that moment, about that strange dreamlike sequence that existed on the brink of reality. It's another moment I've tried to not think of really, but it's another one that has been pushed back into my mind for one reason or another. I can remember those moments clearly, me goading Shinji and him attacking me. I'm not even sure if it was real.

"Shinji... I..." I begin to speak but my voice gets caught up in my throat for a moment. I take a brief moment to calm myself down, this isn't something I ever really wanted to talk about, "There was something else I... had to speak to you about. It was... just that... well, do you remember what happened to you during Third Impact?"

"Every little bit of it." His voice darkens as he answers me, "I... I still have nightmares about it Asuka. I can remember everything."

His admission doesn't really make this next part any easier. I'm scared as to how he'll react if what I say happened did actually happen between us.

"I... remember it too." I speak, "I guess... because of how close I was to it all, I'm a little bit different to other people. I'm one of the few, maybe the only one other than you who can remember it. I just... I guess I wanted to ask you about something that happened to me... I remember this moment with you and me... arguing in the apartment."

The phone goes silent again save for the sound of his breathing. My fear has been somewhat confirmed, it was real and he does remember it.

"T-That... was... real?" He answers, "No... No I... I thought that was a vision... I thought... I didn't think it was real... I remember but... Asuka I... I'm sorry... I..."

"Shinji slow down!" I quickly and sternly cut him off, "Slow down, what do you mean you thought it wasn't real?"

"I... I don't... it was... all so messed up... I... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I tried... I hurt you..."

"Shinji... calm down.", I feel a tightening on my neck but I try to ignore it. I need to hear more about this now that I have confirmation it was real. I've always been a bit uncertain as to whether or not it happened, whether it was really Shinji or just some vision sent to torture me and lead me towards what it was I thought I wanted, "I just want to know if you remember it... so I know if it really happened."

"Yes... Yes, it happened..." Shinji confirms again, "I was... I was in Unit 01, I had just seen you... well... you know..."

"Yes... I know..." I suppress a shudder at the thought of what those bastards did to me.

"It's all a blur but... the Eva series was moving around me and... Rei... Lilith appeared before me. I... think I passed out or something but the next thing I knew was I was in the apartment with you. I was trying to tell you I wanted to help you but you kept on yelling at me... I thought you were just there to attack me and hurt me, I thought it was just some vision to torture me... you... you shoved me over and I..."

I recoil once again as I remember what happened next, the deadness in his eyes as he moved towards me. I remember how my only thoughts were to encourage it and let it happen, "I remember..."

"I didn't... I didn't think it was real... If I did I... I wouldn't... I... Asuka... I'm so sorry..." His voice cracks as he apologizes. I shift in my seat uncomfortably as I feel tears stinging the back of my own eyes.

"It... It was real..." I answer, "Thank you for... confirming it for me. I... I'm sorry it upset you."

My hand reaches up to touch my throat as I run the tips of my fingers lightly across it. I hear a sniff from the other end of the phone that threatens to tip me over the edge.

"Asuka..."

"I forgive you Shinji." I reply immediately, "I forgive you... It happened and neither of us knew it was real. I just... I had to know it was real. I just... need to process all of this. Please don't... don't beat yourself up about this. I do forgive you, just... let I say, lets draw a line in the sand and move on."

"Asuka I... I'm so sorry..."

"I know Shinji... I know you are... I'll... call you later okay."

"O-Okay... goodbye."

The line goes dead as I sit and try to process the conversation we've just had. I suppose we still have a lot to talk about and deal with when we do get to Japan. Strangely though I do feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I just hope the same can be said for Shinji.

 

[jcmoorehead]

1st December – Somewhere over Europe – Asuka Langley Soryu

I look at my watch and see that we've been in the air for just over one and a half hours now. This is a flight that for the past five or so years I didn't think I'd ever take. A flight back to Japan, to visit those people I had once left behind.

I can actually feel butterflies in my stomach as the reality of it all is starting to set in. I'm on the plane, I'm in my seat, there is no longer an opportunity for me to turn around and go back. I can no longer run away from it, in ten or so hours both myself and Kaworu will step out of this plane, we will go into the terminal, collect our luggage and be met by them all in the arrivals lounge.

I've dreamed of such moments before, dreamed about it and had nightmares about it. So many times, I've envisioned what might happen, I'll see them all and then... they'll all tell me what an awful person I was and still am. I still have that fear, deep down, that this is what might happen but I know it won't. I just don't know what will happen, and I suppose that uncertainty frightens me.

Will I be as I am now or will a part of me regress into that Asuka of so many years ago? I guess in ten hours we'll find out.

I know things will be awkward, aside from Rei these are all people who I literally haven't seen since I left. I don't even know what any of them look like now. All I have of them is that image of how they were when I was fourteen. Misato, Shinji, Hikari... hell even the stooges, none of them have aged in my mind. It'll be strange to see them all again, will I recognize them? Will they recognize me?

Heh, stupid question, I guess. Of course, I'll get recognized, I don't think there are many redheads walking around in Japan, we do tend to stand out. Still... it is weird to think that will all look different to how they were when I last saw them. Shinji in particular, to me I can't imagine how he might have changed. To me, he is still that meek looking fourteen-year-old that I spoke to and left behind many years ago.

I admit, I have thought about how he might have aged. Will he have grown his hair longer? Grown any facial hair? Did he get much taller? Did he fill out? Is he more muscular? Knowing the way Shinji is I actually can't imagine him changing much, all I can imagine is him looking a little bit older but being exactly the same as I knew him.

Maybe I should have asked him for a photo when we were speaking. I could have asked him or Rei but the thought never cross my mind. In some way I'm glad I didn't, it'll be more of a surprise and more fun this way.

There is someone else I need to consider in this as well. I move my hand and let it rest gently on top of that person's hand, I let my fingers entwine with his and watch him as he turns around and gives me a nervous smile. I saw nothing as he turns back around to look out of the window, he has his earphones in anyway so he likely wouldn't have heard me, so I just gently squeeze his hand.

I wonder what he is thinking or feeling right now. He seems to be in awe of the sights outside the window. I suppose I can understand why, this is the first time he's properly seen the world from this perspective. He has been on planes before but they were military craft and he was confined to a windowless section. He's never been able to just... enjoy it.

I'm content to let him enjoy it as much as possible. I know he must be nervous about the people we're going to see and this whole experience. He is stepping back into a world in which he feels he is still seen as an enemy. I admit, I do share that worry a little bit. I remember how he was attacked by those supposed to protect him, I know that he might have enemies out there.

Still, I don't think anything will really happen to him. I think he's safe and it's not like Shinji or his friends are going to say anything. If they do... then I suppose we just tell them his story. We tell them why what happened, happened and explain it. People seemed to forgive me and my nastiness quickly when they learned of my story.

I know what Kaworu did is probably seen as worse than me being a bit of an asshole. He is someone who betrayed a person as their lowest point and nearly destroyed this world but... that isn't what he wanted and isn't who he is. I can't imagine this kind and loving soul next to me as getting close to doing anything like that.

Kaworu has... been invaluable to me since I met him. We truly make each other better people and I just hope the others can see that as well.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Kaworu Nagisa

I feel the warmth of Asuka's hand as she places it gently on top of mine and slips her fingers in between my own. I turn for a moment and shoot her a nervous smile before looking back out of the window at the land below. Strangely I'm feeling more nervous about this flight, I didn't think I would be a nervous flyer, after all I've technically done it twice before and I've piloted a giant bio-mechanical weapon.

Yet, this feels different somehow. Maybe because the previous two times I've flown it's been in military craft and I've been too out of it to care. The first time was when I was Kaworu Nagisa the Angel, Tabris and more dulled to emotion and fear. The second time I was too fearful of my situation and not in a craft like this to really think too much about it.

This time I'm in a proper domestic craft, I'm surrounded by people and I can see the land below me as we fly high over the Earth. Familiar fears creep back in, do these people know who I am? Some of them do, some of them are here specifically to keep an eye on me but I know nothing is going to happen. What can happen? Someone attacks me when I go to the toilet? I don't think so.

At the same time, despite my nervousness the view from the window is mesmerizing. It's a clear day and I can see the ground below without issue, I can see us flying over a town and it is so bizarre to me to know that in the few minutes it'll take for the song I've got on to come to an end I'll have flown over thousands of people living their lives.

I let my mind wander a little bit, to imagine what all of those people might be doing right now, to what those people might be thinking of feeling. Which of them are happy right now? Are any of them about to make a life changing decision for better or worse? Are they saying goodbye to someone or welcoming someone new into the world? Are people falling in love for the first time or perhaps more sadly moving on from love to something else?

Or are they simply just looking up as this plane passes overhead and perhaps wondering what the people on board are doing and where we're going?

These people... they would not be here today if I hadn't been stopped so many years ago. If Shinji hadn't have stopped me then the people of that town we've passed, the people on board thise plane... they would not be travelling, they would not be happy or sad, they would not be falling in or out of love, they would not be able to welcome someone new into their world. There would simply be nothing.

Naturally... my mind now wanders towards thoughts of Shinji, the one who did stop me, the one who did give this world it's second chance, who ultimately allowed for me to have a second chance, whether he knew about it or not.

My feelings for Shinji are still somewhat complicated I suppose you could say. I've been struggling over the last month to reconcile the Shinji I thought I knew with the Shinji I have been told about by Asuka and others with the Shinji he has admitted himself to be. I have been trying to remind myself constantly that one bad act does not define who we are going forward, it is a person's willingness to learn and grow from their mistakes that defines them.

Yes, there are perhaps some acts that are very difficult to forgive or perhaps cannot be forgiven but I do not think Shinji is guilty of such a thing and others do not seem to think that is the case either. Still, it is so easy to get lost within my own thoughts on these subjects. It is so easy to envision scenarios that are yet to play out and direct them a certain way based on my mood on that day.

The fact is that when it comes down to it, I want Shinji in my life and I want to see him forgiven for the bad things he has done. I view it no different now to him and others wanting me in their lives and forgiving me for what I have done. I want there to be a strong bond of friendship between the two of us. Perhaps it will be awkward and we will question ourselves and each other but I do not think it unachievable.

I am worried about how things will be initially between us though. I worry about what reception I will get when me and Asuka go into that arrivals lounge and see him for the first time. I wonder what it will be like when I meet his guardian and his friends. I am fearful that they will not treat me as fairly as he has. I am also worried... perhaps illogically about what will happen when he sees Asuka again.

It feels wrong of me to be concerned about such a thing. I don't want to be jealous of their bond and feel I have no right to be. What they have is special and I should be okay with that but I still feel some pangs of jealousy when she talks about him. I see her eyes light up, I see her smile and when I talk to him, I can hear the joy in his voice when she is mentioned. There is a spark between the two of them that has never gone out and sometimes I feel I am just in the way of what should be.

I have not, of course, ever confessed these feelings of jealousy to Asuka. I know they are mostly illogical conclusions brought on by my fears and insecurities. After all, Asuka has demonstrated her love for me several times and I know they were true. I know there is a strong bond between me and Asuka so those fears about her and Shinji are illogical and something I just need to work through.

Still... I do wonder, what if I am in the way? I have such love for them both and I want them to be happy? I do not wish to be without them but I also... would not want to stand in the way of their happiness either. If that spark were ignited... what would I do?

I look at the screen in front of me, it will do me no good to get lost inside my own head regarding this subject, especially not for the duration of this flight. Instead I will watch something and I will get some rest.

I will see you soon Shinji.

 

[jcmoorehead]

2nd December – Tokyo 2 International Airport – Early Morning – Shinji Ikari

My eyes look upwards towards the digital screen above me as I try to find their flight and its arrival time. I eventually find it and see that it should be arriving in just under half an hour. This is it I suppose, this is these are the final moments I'll have before seeing the two of them once more. I never expected that I would see either of them ever again.

I didn't think I'd ever see Asuka again, I thought she had left and would never be in contact again. I had resigned myself to that fact and didn't blame her. As far as Kaworu goes he... well he died. People don't normally come back from that, unless you're Misato... or Asuka... or Rei... did Rei die? I'm not quite sure that what happened to her counts as dying.

I suppose none of that really matters. All that matters is that the two of them are on that flight and I will be seeing them shortly. This is... a big deal to me and it feels surreal that the day has finally come. It's been rare in my life that I've looked forward to an event. Normally the days just pass me by, I never really get excited for my birthday or for Christmas. Those things are just days for me but today... today is special. I'm excited and... I'm nervous.

This year has been unusual for me. In a way it feels like I've lived most of my life in the past few months, almost like I've been drifting through life from the moment of Third Impact through to now. Since Asuka came back into my life I've dealt with so many things, I've opened up about so much, had so many uncomfortable conversations, learned a whole concerts worth of music and started down a pathway towards rebuilding two friendships.

It has all been so very awkward and many times I've felt like running away from it. So many times, I've felt like letting myself regress and give in to those voices in my head that tell me I'm only going to get hurt by opening up, give in to those voices that tell me I don't deserve love or friendship but I know Asuka... I know Kaworu and so many others are fighting that same battle, so I have to fight as well.

I'm scared about seeing them both in person though. Up until now we've only spoken by the phone or by e-mail and that has been difficult enough. Will it be harder now that we're face to face? Will I be unable to stop myself regressing? Will I be able to say what I want to?

"How are you feeling?" I hear Rei's soft voice suddenly behind me. I turn around to face her and nod my head.

"Yeah... I'm okay, thank you Rei."

She nods back and hands me a cup of coffee, I resist the urge to yelp out in pain as my fingertips close around the plastic cup. It is strange to me that with all the advances in technology companies still haven't developed a coffee cup that doesn't burn your fingers on contact. I was able to dive into a volcano in Unit 01 and come away with only a few superficial burns, yet my fingertips feel like they're about to be burned off by holding this thing for five seconds.

"They will be arriving soon. I am nervous." Rei states and admits as we make our way towards an empty set of seats and sit ourselves down.

"I'm nervous too... about seeing the both of them. It's been so many years." I admit to her, "I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing and upset them or I'll... get upset myself and... well you know."

"Yes, I understand." Rei nods her head, "I too was scared of such things when I managed to track down Asuka a few years ago. I was worried that despite my developments in interacting with people it would still not be enough to converse with her. I was concerned that she would still harbor negative feelings towards me. I had planned out conversations in my head that I feared would not pan out the way I wanted them to."

"It wasn't a waste of time though, was it?" I ask her, "I mean... you two became close friends after that, didn't you?"

"Yes, we did but things also did not pan out how I had expected. There was a lot more emotion on both sides than I had expected. In a way this was tougher but I think it was better. I think that... the three of you will be fine, much in the same way that Asuka and I were fine. It will be awkward for you all at first and I would advise you do not expect things to go as you might think they will but... I believe you will all be fine."

"Thank you." I answer her and smile, "You know it's funny but... I don't even know what they look like. I have an idea of it but I never got a new picture of them or anything. I keep on expecting Kaworu to be in the same thing he was when I met him. I keep on thinking Asuka will be the same as she was before she left."

I turn to see Rei smile, "Asuka is... a very beautiful woman. As for Kaworu he... well I have only seen pictures but he is very handsome. Neither of them have changed too much, they are much like myself and you in that regard."

"I see..."

I sip from my coffee as Rei takes a moment to look at her phone, "They should be landing in fifteen minutes. Whilst I remember, you are still okay with the plans for Asuka's Birthday, aren't you?"

"Yeah." I confirm, "I'll go shopping the day before and get everything I need to for the cake and food. You... You're arranged everything else, right?"

"Yes." She answers me, "I have contacted her hotel and booked the appropriate rooms, I have confirmed the event with Fuyutsuki, invited our friends and I have gotten the gifts and cards we discussed. I have even been able to arrange a trip for them during the afternoon, this should give us the appropriate time to go to their hotel and set everything up."

"Y-You've really thought this through, haven't you?"

She nods, "Yes but I also expect others to play their part, I do not want our plans to go awry due to one person making a mistake. That is why I have limited the number of people directly involved and is also why I have not informed Nagisa of the plans."

"S-Shouldn't he know?"

"Perhaps, but I fear, knowing what I do about Nagisa that he would let things slip. I have learned that despite his appearance and past, Nagisa has proven himself to be somewhat clumsy both physically and verbally. Therefore, I have limited his involvement to bystander." Rei replies calmly, "In truth I was hesitant to even let you and Misato in on my plans but Misato has access to Fuyutsuki and you are able to produce the ideal cake for the situation. I am sure you understand."

"I... I think so?" I answer, somewhat confused and hurt by her words but also... understanding them in some strange way. Still I can't help but be somewhat fearful of the way she speaks.

Not as fearful of what is going to happen shortly. It's dawning on me that this is actually going to happen now, even if I want to, I'd be unable to run away from it now.

My mind quickly goes back to my first meetings with them. The first time I saw Asuka was on the 'Over the Rainbow', we were picking up Unit 02 and as a treat Misato had allowed me to bring Touji and Kensuke along. I can still remember that first encounter with her in detail, I remember hearing her voice for the first time, I remember seeing her stood in front of us on that deck in her yellow sundress. I can remember at first thinking just how pretty she was.

I can also remember that gust of wind and the stinging sensation on my cheek barely seconds later. I had turned away as well! Unlike Touji and Kensuke but I guess that didn't matter to Asuka back then. That confirmed to me that she was not going to be easy to get along with. Not too long after that we were fighting side by side in the cockpit of Unit 02 and I was wearing one of her spare plugsuits. Not quite the best first encounter with someone.

Yet... she didn't leave my mind and the truth is that she was not easy to get along with. Especially not at first, she was everything I wasn't and went against everything I had known grown up. She was part Japanese but she certainly didn't show much of that side. She was loud and arrogant, she complained and questioned everything and she seemed so selfish. She was all those things I had been warned that foreigners could be.

A part of me liked it though because Asuka was... Asuka and she didn't seem ashamed of it. Yes, she could be slobbish, loud and obnoxious but I saw more than that. Asuka wasn't afraid to speak her mind, she pointed out when things seemed unfair or stupid. She didn't believe in tradition for traditions sake and I also saw moments that others didn't. I saw kindness from her, I saw vulnerability. I saw her strive to include everything, part of the reason our group was so close was because she made sure everyone was included. People forget that.

She was also... honest with me. She didn't treat me differently because I was a pilot or the son of the commander. She treated me like Shinji Ikari, a friend and comrade. She would push me to stand up for myself, she'd push me to get better scores in the Eva and challenge me to do better in school. It seemed like she genuinely wanted to help me.

When I met Kaworu I was in a very different place. Life was complicated when I met Asuka but it was even more so when I met Kaworu. I was in a dark place, it was just after Asuka had been hospitalized and I had learned some of the truth about Rei and the Eva's. I can remember standing at the side fo a lake in the Geofront, I had little to think about except for how much I wanted it all to end.

I can remember the moment I thought about diving into that pool was the moment I heard him humming a tune. I turned my head and saw him sat up on top of a rock, smiling at me. I can remember how my heart started to race on seeing him, I can remember how my first thoughts were how attractive he was. Kaworu saved me on that day, it was almost as if he was heaven sent... I suppose in a way he was.

I still blush a bit when I think about how I felt when I saw Kaworu, even now I can feel that redness coming to my cheeks. The idea of romance scared me back then, it does now to be honest. Relationships and sexuality weren't topics to be discussed, I grew up in a small town that didn't talk about things like that. Our society doesn't speak about things like that, I had no guidance in terms of relationships or sex, I never questioned it either.

Kaworu made me question myself though, on that day I felt something for him, I felt a genuine romantic attraction and that scared me. It was the same attraction I felt for Asuka, a desire to be around them, to hold them and be with them. All those things I was afraid of.

I never really believed it was wrong to be gay or bisexual, I was never brought up to believe it was a bad thing. I just wasn't brought up to really think of it as a thing. It was, as I said, just not spoken about. I just grew up drifting through life, I never thought about myself or what I was or could be really. So, it shocked me a bit when I started to have those feelings.

I've accepted over the years that I am bisexual, perhaps its bad but I still don't really speak about it. Misato and Rei know but I've never really pursued romance with anyone, so it's never really came up. Back then though, it frightened me, I was frightened of everything and that was just one more thing to add to the pile.

Kaworu helped to keep that fear at bay. There was just something about him that helped me feel safe. It made me feeling like other people and their thoughts and expectations of me didn't matter, so long as he was there. I was so comfortable talking to him about my life, my mother, my father and my past. I was happy to reveal things to him that I had not done to anyone else at that time.

It didn't last though, the next day Kaworu revealed what he really was and I was forced to kill him. In the time it had taken me to meet and fall in love with this person I had already lost them and love turned to something darker.

So now I stand here in this airport, looking at the time on my phone as I wait for these two people to arrive. I have no idea what I'm going to say to either of them, I have no idea what I'm going to do when I see them. I'm a little bit scared but I'm also confident that today will be the start of a brand-new chapter in all our lives, a much better one.

Just five minutes left.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Asuka Langley Soryu

I watch in frustration as more luggage slowly moves past me on the carousel. I've been waiting here for fifteen minutes now, watched as smug businessmen and irritating families have gleefully marched forward and gotten their bags without issue. I hope they haven't lost the damn things, they better not have lost the damn thing.

I'm starting to grow impatient, I barely slept on the flight over here. I've never been good at sleeping whilst in transport. When I was younger and I went on coach trips I couldn't sleep, when we brought Unit 02 over on the 'Over The Rainbow' I couldn't sleep and whenever I've flown long distance I've not been able to sleep.

Finally, I see what appears to be my luggage, I rush forward and quickly check the tags to confirm before pulling it off and away from its circular hell. I set it down gently on the floor and wheel it back across to a clearer area. A short distance away I spot Kaworu still looking out for his luggage to make an appearance.

As I wait, I turn and give a brief look towards the exit to the arrivals lounge. I try to look through the doorway as it opens for any sign of Shinji and Rei. Neither of them visible to me at this time.

My heart is beating so fast in my chest now as the nerves and reality of the situation take hold. It annoys me, why the hell am I so nervous about this? Why am I nervous about seeing Shinji again or being here? Why is this affecting me so goddamn much? I'm Asuka Langley Soryu damnit, stared down hellish creatures hellbent on ending this world with minimal fear.

I fought to protect this world. I fought until my very last breath. I shouldn't be afraid of seeing one person. I shouldn't be afraid of being here. This is nothing to someone like me.

It looks like Kaworu finally has his luggage, he sets it down and wheels it over to stand with me. I see the fear in his eyes as he looks at me, I give him a small smile and reach out for his hand to calm him down. We stand for a few more moments as he smiles back, "They're watching us, aren't they?"

We both look around and I see the reasons behind the fear in his eyes and the question. The 'they' he is asking about are much clearer now, they didn't even make an effort to blend in. Stereotypical black suits and speaking into radios. So, these are the members of the security team that'll be watching our every movement and following us from place to place.

I feel the anger flare up inside me as I try to resist the urge to go over and confront one of them. I feel like I should go over and tell them to leave us the hell along until we're out of this place. I should ask them if they really think something is going to happen but I know it'll achieve nothing. It'll just cause a scene and likely end up with us being asked to take the next flight back to Germany.

I nod, "Yes, they are."

"I hate this... I'm sorry." he whispers.

"Idiot, don't you dare be sorry." I snap back, "At least we're here."

"I know but..."

"But nothing." I lean forward and kiss him on the lips, "Pretend they're not there. Focus on me, you can do that right?"

He nods, "I'll try but... it feels like they're everywhere."

"They are everywhere." I confirm, "But just focus on me, think about what I'm going to do to you when I get you in that hotel room, you can do that right?"

I watch in satisfaction as a blush comes to his cheeks and looks around, "I... Yes... very much so..."

"Good. You're safe with me, now... lets go."

I take another look towards the doorway and allow myself one more deep breath. A strange thought enters my head for a moment as we start to slowly walk. At least this meeting won't be as embarrassing as the first time I met Shinji. We're indoors so no gusts of wind and I'm wearing jeans. So, definitely no repeat of that moment.

I can feel the eyes of the security teams on us as I take hold of Kaworu's hand and other hand takes hold of my luggage. I grit my teeth as we continue to walk towards the doorway, I'm sure behind us the teams are relaying that information and letting the next group know to get into position. So, this is how it's going to be on this holiday, security watching us at all times. Every meal we take, every museum we go into, every location... they'll be there. I won't even be able to use the bathroom without feeling like I'm being watched.

The doors slide open as we approach and I blink as the arrivals lounge appears before me. I look ahead and immediately spot them. It doesn't take me long, after all, there aren't that many people in the area with blue hair. I can also tell, from the way that Kaworu is suddenly squeezing my hand, that he has spotted them as well.

I ignore the pain as we continue to walk towards them. Rei seems to have spotted us as well, I can see her subtle smile from here. She nudges Shinji with her elbow and he turns to face us. As he does, I see his mouth open ever so slightly in shock. I can make out the nerves and emotion on his face as we get closer. Almost immediately, I feel a lump forming in the back of my throat. Swallow it down Asuka, not here, not now. Stay strong, you're not going to cry in a goddamn airport of all places.

We continue to move towards them, around us I can hear the chatter of families reuniting, of businessmen meeting with their drivers and of tourists figuring out where to go. With each step the emotion builds inside of me, the lump growing bigger, the burning behind my eyes growing stronger and the feelings in my stomach.

I don't even know why I'm feeling this way. I shouldn't be. I'm Asuka Langley... damnit, that's why I'm feeling this. I'm feeling this because of who I am, because of what I am and what I was. I'm feeling this because of how I arrived in this place the first time, what I learned and what I felt and did whilst I was here and how I left this place. I'm feeling this because of the years of built up frustration and emotion.

For a moment the pain in my hand becomes too much, I turn to Kaworu, my teeth gritted, "Kaworu... my hand..."

He slackens his grip instantly, "Sorry... I... sorry..."

We finally reach them, I stop barely a meter away as my vision becomes blurry from the tears forming in my eyes. I'm powerless to stop it from trickling down my cheek as my gaze wanders from Rei to Shinji. Just like the many groups of friends of families that are re-uniting here today, I too am unable to stop the wave of emotion. No matter how much that voice inside is willing me to not feel it, no matter how much I think it makes me look weak, I cannot stop it.

I look to see Shinji smiling at his, his eyes have betrayed him aswel. At least he has tears running down both cheeks, I still win... in some way. I turn to see Kaworu in a similar way, as I expected... it's only Rei who is keeping it together, her smile widening.

"A-Asuka..." Shinji finally starts to speak, his voice trembling and little more than a whisper, "Kaworu... I... Welcome home..."

I feel my hand release my luggage, I hear it fall to the ground. I take a step forward, positioning myself in front of him and stare into his eyes. I frown at him as I do so, I'm trying to look intimidating but it's hard to do so when I have tears flowing freely down my cheeks.

What do I say? I was going to be cocky and confident. I was going to make a joke and make us all smile. I was going to pretend to be arrogant and say something like, 'What are you stupid, what's with that expression, aren't you glad to see us.'

Only... I can't do that. That moment, that speech, those words are just a conjuration, a moment that I have control of but I don't have control here. It's just my minds attempt to preserve a ridiculous image that has served me no good. This is... reality, and I am not that Asuka, I am the Asuka who has dreamed of this reunion for so very long.

What was it he said? 'Welcome home'? I think about it for a moment. This country... was it ever really my home? I was here less than a year. I was raised in Germany and I always tried to identify as that but I... I've never really had a home, have I? Not one that I can remember. There was the time I spent with Mama but... I can barely remember that now.

When I lived with Misato and Shinji... that felt like the only true home I ever had. I suppose... in a way I am home. I give another look towards Kaworu... he's like me too. Someone without a proper home. I suppose... this is his home too, where he for a brief moment first felt alive. I look back at Shinji.

"W-We're home..." I whisper as we both move and embrace one another. I pull him towards me tightly feeling his warmth for the first time ever in my life. My hand cups the back of his head and I close my eyes as I feel more tears flow down my face.

We are home.

 

[jcmoorehead]

2nd December – Tokyo 2 Hotel Restaurant – Kaworu Nagisa

It has become quite the struggle for me to continue to keep my eyes open as I sit at the table and try to catch some part of the conversation going on around me. My mind struggles to comprehend a word, their words merging into one. The environment is a symphony of ambient noise that my brain has given up processing. I feel a strange disconnect from my own body, this vague feeling that I'm floating. It could be because of the wine or perhaps the jet lag, most likely it is a mixture of the two.

I try to regain some focus and turn, as I tend to, when I need some focus towards Asuka. She does not seem to be having the same struggles that I'm having. She seems full of life and energy and she is oh so very beautiful right now. Sat next to her is Rei, the woman has said little to me all day beyond the initial greeting. Next to her is Misato Katsuragi, she has seemed friendly enough but much like Rei has said little to me and is shooting me the occasional glare every now and then.

I cannot help but feel like an outsider in this situation. Everyone has been friendly enough but I know I am not really wanted here. I know the interest from those at this table is on Asuka and her return to this country. I know these people are Asuka's friends and I am the stranger. I am just here, an uninteresting and jet-lagged weird looking man, who also happens to be the one who nearly destroye dthe world many years ago.

Completing the group is Shinji, he is sat next to me. He, very much like myself, has said little during the meal. He seems to be as awkward and shy as I remember him to be. I could smile and laugh about it, if it wasn't for me being so tired and feeling like I was to blame for the awkwardness. I wonder... if I wasn't here right now, would he be feeling this way?

"Are you feeling okay Kaworu?" I'm jolted from this sleepy meandering through my mind by the sound of his voice.

I turn to him, my eyelids heavy and nod, "I am... fine, just tired."

"It's been a long day for you, hasn't it?" he asks me.

I nod back at him, "Yes, we flew overnight but I fear I did not sleep very well on the plane. I don't think I have slept properly for... over a day."

"Are you doing to be okay?"

"I will be." I smile at his concern for me, "I think I just need to get some sleep. I do not think the warmth in here is helping either."

Our little conversation seems to have drawn the attention of the others at the table. I can feel Asuka placing her hand on my arm and squeezing gently. I look around to see Misato looking at Shinji, Rei seems to be more concerned with her glass of wine, "I think we're going to be here for a while, why don't you take Kaworu out for a walk around the area?"

I feel my eyes widen ever so slightly in surprise at her suggestion. I didn't expect her to show any concern for me, never mind suggest that me and Shinji go out on our own. I look down at Asuka who merely nods, "Go ahead."

I think about it for a moment, a walk outside would probably do me some good. It'd allow me to clear some of the cobwebs in my mind, it'd allow me to get out of this stuffy room and reduce the risk of me falling asleep at the table. I turn towards Shinji, "Is that... okay with you?"

He nods at me, "Yeah... if it'll help."

I get to my feet carefully and almost immediately my attention is drawn to the few other people in the room who also stand up. My eyes wander to the entrance to the little restaurant and I see the man in the suit talking into something on his jacket. I lower my eyes and begin to sit down only for Asuka to take hold of my jacket sleeve, "Ignore them Kaworu."

"I can't they..."

Misato also looks around and witnesses the source of my discomfort, she turns back around to me, a frown on her face, "I told those idiots to not be in the room whlst I was here. I'm really sorry about this Kaworu. I'll make sure I speak to them in the morning, this isn't fair."

"T-Thank you." I bow politely, again surprised at her words and concern. All I knew about Katsuragi had led me to believe she would not wish to be in the same room as me, never mind show me actual concern. Then again, perhaps I was being unfair towards her, I know she has had a difficult life and done a lot to help Shinji and Asuka where she can.

Shinji gets to his feet as well and we silently cross the room into the hotel lobby. I try to ignore the security communicating to others and moving into position to better follow me. Instead I focus solely on Shinji and moving out of the hotel into the cooler night air. A cold breeze hits my cheeks immediately and I take a brief moment to savor it as my body starts to wake itself up.

"Is that better?" I hear Shinji ask.

"Much better." I turn towards him and nod. We slowly begin to walk down the street, away from the hotel. As we do so I'm still quite aware of the man, positioned near the hotel entrance, now communicating with the rest of the team. I'm aware of the sniper in position on one of the rooftops opposite us.

I try to block it all out, this is no different to the security teams that look after me and Asuka back in Germany. Except those teams are there to protect us and not kill me in case I do something. Those teams also do a better job of staying out of sight.

"It was... a bit much for me in there as well. I'm not great with crowds and too much noise either."

I feel myself smile as we continue to walk down the street and around a corner. I'm feeling the cold a lot more now but it is still a lot better than being inside that restaurant. As we turn onto the next street, I see a number of stores with Christmas lights up. Opposite us a group of people, around our age are excitedly talking and taking pictures next to an inflatable Santa Claus.

"it is... certainly very different to the first time we met, isn't it?" I ask, "A lot colder too."

"Yeah..." Shinji trailed off for a moment leaving me to wonder if I have said the wrong thing. Perhaps bringing up any memory of that meeting was not appropriate. I wait a few more seconds before he continues to speak, "Misato... said that after Third Impact the world changed again. She said that somehow the seasons here started to go back to normal and the damage we had done to the planet, even prior to Second Impact had been repaired somehow."

"Humanity was... given a second chance. An opportunity to move forward and perhaps learn from its mistakes, to do better." I pause for a moment, "That is because of you Shinji."

He stops and looks at me for a moment, merely shaking his head, "No... I didn't... I didn't ask for that... I didn't think to ask... I just..."

Without thinking I place my hand on his shoulder, "It doesn't matter what you asked for or what you thought. What matters is that you did something, your actions enabled this second chance. If you had done nothing then... this wouldn't have happened."

Shinji looks away for a moment down the street before turning back to face me, "Misato... Rei... Asuka... they all said the same thing."

"Then perhaps you should believe them." I remark as we resume walking down the street, "Our actions... have consequences beyond which we could imagine, regardless of intention. You on that day... you told Lilith what you wanted... Lilith granted your desire and gave humanity a gift, a gift that blessed even myself. Besides... when you think about it, it would have been quite a callous act for Lilith to have abandoned you in a dead world."

I can see by look on his face that my words haven't really convinced him but he nods, "I suppose... in a way you are right. I just... people try to look at me as a hero and I don't really feel like it."

"Then don't... just be you." I remark.

We continue to walk through the various streets of the city. I'm not sure if Shinji has a particular destination in mind or if we are just wandering. Either way this feels nice, walking alongside him, talking or commenting on various things I see, if is nice. One of my fears was that seeing him again would be awkward, and I won't deny that it is, but there is something natural about this.

We cross another road and come upon a large plaze, there are a few groups of people nearby. Some of them quite excited and taking photos on their phones. I look up and see why, in the middle of the plaze is a large Christmas tree. Decorated in bright gold and silver lights. At the top is a large star, and scattered at the bottom is replicas of giant presents.

"It is quite beautiful, isn't it?" I comment as we both stop and look up at it.

I turn to see Shinji, he's looking up at the top of the tree, his face serious, "Kaworu I..."

He trails off, causing me to prompt him, "Hm?"

"About those things I told you... I... I'm sorry..." he shakes his head, "I... thank you for forgiving me... I..."

"Shinji..." I cut him off and place my hand on his arm, "Please... don't apologize for this now. We have already spoken about this and... it is done. Besides... I am a little bit too jet lagged to process such things right now. Let's just... enjoy this night, if you do wish to talk about this then we always have tomorrow."

"Y-Yeah... You're right... I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I answer him, "For what it's worth I am also grateful to you for your forgiveness. It does mean a lot to me to be able to come here... to spend time with you and your family... and with Asuka. I feel... for the first time in my life like I'm somewhere I belong."

We fall into a comfortable silence as we look up at the top of the tree once again. I turn and see him smiling and I do the same. For a brief moment my mind flashes to another world. One where my life took a different path all those years ago. Where would I be now had that have happened? If I had been able to resist that call? Where would Shinji be? Asuka? Me?

My mind continues to wander, some of the fears I had before coming here are now coming to the forefront. My tired brain unable to combat them. I go back to my thoughts that I will end up being left alone. Maybe I should leave, so that I can allow Asuka and Shinji to fulfil their destiny.

A more selfish thought enters my mind. One that I quickly exorcise. My love for this man next to me, for Shinji is real. I can feel it, my heart is beating quickly, my eyes keep glancing at him. I keep wanting to smile when he looks at me. I feel that warm feeling in my stomach and it isn't from the wine. I feel for Shinji just as I feel for Asuka. In another world... I could be with Shinji. That is not this world though and I would not wish to be apart from Asuka.

Besides... I am sure Shinji does not have those feelings for me. I know his heart yearns for Asuka.

"Kaworu..." Shinji saying my name suddenly snaps me from my thoughts, "Can we... get a photo together..."

I look across at him, he's got his phone clutched in his hand and looking up at the tree, I nod, "Yeah... I'd like that."

We move into position with our backs to the tree. I put my arm around him and he does the same. With his free hand he holds the phone away from us and angles it so as to get the two of us in along with a good portion of the tree. I move my head a little bit closer to his, and we both smile as his finger hits the capture button.

"Wait... I want to get one with my phone as well." I announce as Shinji puts his phone away. We get into position again as I take my phone out. This time I find myself holding him a bit tighter, my hand gripping his side firmly, hugging him closer to me. I can feel his warmth on mine, I can smell the aftershave he is wearing. I can feel my face glowing redder as I smile and take the photo.

We take the photo and let go, our eyes meeting for a brief moment. I see his cheeks are glowing red as well and I wonder... no... it doesn't matter.

"We... should probably go back now." He says as I finish putting my phone away.

"Yes... we should... They will likely be done now. Thank you, Shinji."

 

[jcmoorehead]

3rd December – Museum Café - Asuka Langley Soryu

I sigh with some annoyance as we take our seats in the centre of the little café and wait for our food to be brought over. Directly opposite us I can see two members of the security team watching us carefully. I can sense the other two directly behind us at the doors and I'm fairly certain I saw another one sat at a table.

I've been here for barely a day and I've already had enough of them. I know we had been told to expect heightened security but this is ridiculous and not to mention highly obvious to anyone who might be watching. I just have it in the back of my mind that someone will figure it out. Some journalist or conspiracy nut will see the sharp increase of men in black around the city and make a big deal out of it.

Goddamn escorts, checking in and out of security checkpoints and having to eat with them watching. I'm sick of it. It wouldn't shock me if I saw one of them in disguise when I went to the bathroom at this point.

"I am sorry, I know their presence is annoying..."

I look up sharply at Kaworu, "Stop that. It isn't your fault. They said the presence would be increased but they didn't say it'd be like this. This is overkill."

Kaworu nods, "I do feel it is a bit... much. Didn't Miss Katsuragi say she was going to speak to someone about it?"

I nod back at him, "Yeah, she messaged me this morning to say that she had let them know it was a bit much. Whether anything will come of it I don't know. It's all Tokita's doing, so I imagine he'll want to make us feel as uncomfortable as possible."

"Tokita... he was the one most opposed to me coming here, wasn't he?"

"Yup." I frown remembering my encounter with that man, "He put in place the security for this trip as well. I had kinda hoped it wouldn't be this bad, Shinji and Misato went to see him a month and a half ago. Shinji made it sound like he wasn't quite as bad as we thought but... I guess that still bad enough to have this happen."

"I think it is to intimidate me." Kaworu answers, "To ensure that I definitely don't do anything."

"That's stupid!" I exclaim, "In a musuem as well! What are they expecting you to do here? Hijack a dinosaur skeleton?"

Kaworu laughs at my question, "It would not surprise me. I think despite what I have told them, their idea of that I was capable of is somewhat exaggerated."

"You know... You never did tell me, what exactly is it you could do?" I ask him, not quite sure if this is an appropriate place to ask or if I should be asking at all. At the same time, I know so very little of what happened that day. I guess maybe I should learn something.

Kaworu takes a moment to think about his answer, "Nothing that I miss now... but like the rest of my brethren I could manifest an A.T. Field."

"I guess that much, was there anything else? You know, could you shoot lasers or float?" I ask with a grin, imagining the ridiculous image of Kaworu floating through the air shooting lasers out of his eyes and hands.

He smiles as well, "Nothing like that... Well, I was able to levitate. My main thing, because I was created from Adam both body and soul is it allowed me to command beings constructed from Adam."

I take a look at him and recall what I've been told about that time, "You mean, like my Unit 02?"

He nods and his gazes wanders towards the floor, "Yes... Like your Unit 02. It was not complete control of such things, I was not able to command Unit 00 as an example, the soul within had to be dormant or hiding away. In any case I am... truly sorry about that."

"Don't be." I reassure him and reach over the table to stroke his cheek with my hand and bring his gaze back towards me, "It's funny though... Kaworu... the big scary Angel, that could command machines of so much power and that was virtually indestructible can now... well now you can barely put on a pair of pants without falling over yourself."

He laughs as a waitress brings over two bowls of soup with bread. He immediately tears off a bit of the bread and dips it into his soup, "I admit, now that I am completely human, I do have occasional issues with balance. There is no part of me that would want to give this up though. The abilities I had, being able to see people's feelings, feeling that power... I would not wish for it again. Now... my life is fuller, I no longer feel the emptiness I used to."

He pauses, "it is true that I spent a lot of my time being scared... feeling guilty of what I have done but I would not go back to what I had before. More of my life now is spent being happy, feeling genuine love for others and this world. This life now... it is what I want. I want to be with you Asuka... I love you."

I feel a redness come to my cheeks as he continues to speak. My eyes wander down to my own bowl of soup as I stir it around with my spoon, "Idiot... I was just going to make another joke about you being clumsy and then you have to go and say that."

"It is the truth." He continues, "It is true that there are disadvantages to my life now. I am certainly more fragile than I used to be both physically and emotionally but that fragility makes me feel much more alive than I ever was, and it is that fragility that makes me appreciate what I have even more."

"Stop it." I laugh in embarrassment as I break off some bread of my own. We fall into a comfortable silence as we eat our meal. For a brief moment there is only the two of us, the rest of the world, the other diners, the security, it all fades away. The insecurities, the doubts and fears I have, gone. Just blissful moments as we eat and look across at one another.

It's a moment ruined by my phone suddenly going off. The other diners look unimpressed by the sudden loud proclamation that Phil Collins can feel it coming in the air tonight, the security near us look over as if Kaworu is about to suddenly spring into action like some sleeper agent triggered by the sounds of a drum fill.

It's MIsato, of course it's Misato, that woman always knew how to ruin a moment, "Hello?"

"Hey Asuka! I didn't catch you at a bad time, did I?" Her tone is teasing and sleazy, as if she expecting to catch me and Kaworu at it during the middle of the day. Despite the fact that she knows our schedules and exactly where we'll be right now.

Still, it is MIsato, I should have expected this. She already decided last night, whilst Kaworu and Shinji were taking their walk, to get in a few digs about me and Kaworu. In one way I hate it, I don't really enjoy discussing my love or sex life, as fantastic as it is, with others or being teased about it for that fact. At the same time, I appreciated the jokes. I feel like Misato saying those things were her way of saying she approved of it and accepted him.

"Pervert!" I snap back, "You know exactly where we are right now! And what is it you're doing right now? Probably stumbling out of bed with a hangover I imagine!"

Despite the harsh words there is a smile on my face as I say them, perhaps once, a long time ago, there would have been real malice in what I had said. I cringe at the thought now but I know I always used to give Misato a hard time over her drinking habits, perhaps deservedly so in some cases but even when she did try I still persisted in doing that.

This time there is no malice, only friendly joking. It is slightly strange to hear those words come out of my mouth though. I hadn't seen or heard from her in so long I thought things would be awkward between us. There was no awkwardness though, it was nice... It was normal.

"I'll have you know I gave up hangovers many years ago!" She answers me, "Not the drinking, just the hangovers! Anyway, I won't keep you on the phone for long, I wanted to update you on the security detail you both have."

I look around the room and see several members of the aforementioned security, "Oh... them..."

"Yes... then. I made a few phone calls today for the two of you. Tried to case in a couple of favours I'm owed."

"And?"

She lets out a sigh, "Well the bad news is that you are still going to have to deal with it on that scale for another two days at most. The guy in charge of the teams and who put it all together won't budge unless he is given word from his superior... and his superior happens to be..."

"Tokita?" I finish Misato's sentence for her.

"Exactly. Tokita and this guy worked to draw up the plans for the security detail some time ago and he has the final say on it all." Misato answers me, "So... I contacted him directly. This is where the good news comes in."

"Go on?"

"Well I explained how I felt it was a bit too much and that I'd observed Kaworu and fully believe him to not be any threat." Misato starts to explain, "Tokita has agreed to slacken the detail on the two of you in another two days if he is sufficiently convinced that Kaworu isn't a threat. He has maintained that a few things will have to remain, appropriate sign offs and escorts but you won't see as many people around and should be a bit more comfortable. It's not perfect but it's the best I could do."

"No... It's..." I begin my reply, "It's great Misato, even reducing them a little bit is better than nothing at all. Thank you."

"Don't worry about it, just enjoy your time here." She answers cheerily, "Oh, Rei is going to message you later with the details of the restaurant for tonight. I was also wondering if you'd been in touch with Hikari at all?"

I shake my head, "No... No not yet, I... I'll do it later. We want to get used to things here first."

"I understand but make sure you do. She's been dying to hear from you. Anyway, I should go, enjoy your day, see you later Asuka."

"Okay, bye Misato and... thank you."

I hang up the phone and slip it back into my jacket pocket before looking up to see Kaworu looking at me with a nervous expression on his face, "Good news?"

I nod, "Seems so, Misato said that we'll have to ride out this wave of constant surveillance for another couple of days but... after that we'll start to see less of them and it might be more like what we have to deal with in Germany."

Kaworu smiles, "You mean she... was actually able to do that?"

I nod again, "Yup... We'll still have to have an escort and sign in and out of places but it'll be better than this. Unfortunately, that thing you wanted me to do will have to wait I suppose but I'm sure you can live without that."

I grin as I see the blush come to Kaworu's cheeks when he realizes just what I'm talking about, "Um... I... Was not being completely serious about that I mean... it would be nice and... the risk would but... I... Um... I..."

I let out a laugh, "Well... maybe when we get home and if you're very good I can..."

He blushes even more, "I... You are serious?"

I nod, "You know me... I don't joke about things like that."

"Yes... Well... I... in any case..." I watch as he fidgets in his seat and grin knowing the reasons why. I should feel bad for getting such a 'rise' out of him in public but I'm sure it'll be gone by the time we're finished. He continues to speak, "I am very thankful to Misato for doing that. I was... concerned that she would... hate me."

I reach over the table and take both of his hands into my own, "I know... but she doesn't hate you. She has her doubts, but she knows deep down you're not a threat. She has me, Shinji and Rei vouching for you and that is good enough for her."

"Thank you." He nods, "How was it for you yesterday... seeing them again, are you okay?"

I let go of his hands as I pick up my spoon and stir my soup for a moment, "It was... weird. In some ways it felt like I hadn't been away at all but there was little of the negative feeling I had when I lived her before. I just... I felt like I could be me around them. I don't know if it was the jet lag or whatever but... it was nice. I'm looking forward to seeing them again."

"Me too..." he answers, "It was... really nice."

 

[jcmoorehead]

4th December – Hotel Function Room – Kaworu Nagisa

"SURPRISE!"

I get the fright of my life at the sound of the sudden exclamation and the lights in the room suddenly being switched on. For a moment I stand there, my eyes wide open my mouth slightly ajar at the scene before me.

I finally turn my head slightly to see Asuka in a very similar state. Her face now pale, her mouth wide open and mouthing expletives repeatedly. I turn my head once more, the scene starting to make some sense. Before us is a group of people, all of them I recognize but some of them I haven't met as of yet.

Behind the group is a table laden with food, its center piece is a large chocolate cake with a number of candles placed in it. Hanging above the table is a banner displaying the words 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASUKA!' I can't stop the grin spreading to my face as I turn once more to see Asuka still in a state of shock.

My eyes wander to the group again, Shinji and Rei are stood closest to us in the middle of the group. They are smiling the most and I suspect them to be the ones behind this. Next to them is their guardian Misato and just to the side of Misato is a woman that takes me a little bit of time to identify as Ritsuko Akagi.

Ritsuko looks slightly different to how I remember, her hair a little bit shorter and also returned to its natural brown, rather than the bright blonde I recognize from her pictures. When I was within NERV I never got the opportunity to meet Ritsuko, the woman next to her is the one I met. Maya Ibuki. Maya is holding Ritsuko's hand, I think Asuka did mention something about the two of them being a couple now.

On the opposite side are four people, three of them I recognize but again, I did not meet and the fourth is Kodama, the girl that helped me so much when I returned and who I now know is Rei's girlfriend. The two guys are, I am assuming, Shinji's friends Touji and Kensuke and the other girl must be Asuka's old friend Hikari.

I feel Asukas hand tighten around my own as I turn to face her once more. She still looks shocked but she has stopped mouthing expletives. I continue to smile at her as I try to not let my own feelings of anxiety take over. This is an unexpected situation for us both, naturally I am scared but I need to remind myself that I am safe here, this is a secure place for me. This would have been organized for Asuka and both Rei and Shinji would not want to cause anyone any upset or see any harm come to us.

Still... as I look around the room, I do sense some slight unease at my presence. Especially from the friends of Shinji and Asuka. I can only imagine what they know about me and what they think of me.

"Did... did you know about this?" Asuka finally speaks, her voice hushed to that only I can hear it.

I shake my head and continue to smile, "No... I did not."

"I'm going to kill the both of them." She answers, a smile coming to her face, I can see the tears welling up in her eyes, "Going to this effort... all for me... Why?"

"Because they love you." I reply, it's the simplest answer and it's true.

"Why? I don't... deserve..."

Asuka stops herself mid-sentence and starts to shake her head as I squeeze her hand in comfort. Before I get a chance to say anything further and provide more comfort both Shinji and Rei move towards us. Both of them are still smiling and as they get closer, I loosen my grip on Asuka's hand to let her move towards them both and wrap them in a hug.

"I hope you like what we have done." Rei says as they break the hug.

"Idiots..." I hear Asuka choke out as I approach, "You know I don't like a fuss being made of me..."

I laugh a little bit at hearing Asuka trying to sound angry at the pair of them but fail completely. She brings up her hand to wipe away a tear with her sleeve. I look around the room again and can't help but feel slightly inept. Shinji and Rei clearly went to a lot of effort to plan and organize this. They made a cake, put out food, set up the room and invited Asuka's friends here.

Why didn't I think of doing something like this? I should have been involved in the process or even suggested it. Instead... I just did what was expected. I went with the basics, I got the flowers delivered to her room, I got her a package or new games she wanted, I tracked down the vinyl records she had been after I...

I feel a very sharp pain in my arm from where Asuka has just punched me, a lot harder than normal. I turn my head to see her glaring at me, "Stop it!"

"Stop what?" I ask as I rub my tender arm.

"Thinking those things that you're thinking. My presents off of you were wonderful and I what you did was beyond what I expected! You didn't know this was being planned either!" She turns her stare to Rei, "This was you... wasn't it?"

Rei nods and smiles back at us, "Yes. Until last night only Shinji was aware of what was happening. I had to let him in on it because I fear my skills with cooking are not as good as his. I did not want to inform the others until the last minute lest they ruin the surprise for you. That did include Kaworu as well."

"I wouldn't have ruined it!" I exclaim, somewhat offended but not shocked by Rei's bluntness.

"Perhaps, perhaps not. Regardless I did not want to take that risk." Rei replies calmly, "Also, given what I have been told in regards to your garment-based clumsiness whilst nervous, I thought informing you would have increased to risk of injury to yourself of Asuka."

Before I can reply to that, Shinji chimes in to quickly change the subject, "If it helps, she didn't even tell Misato about it until this morning."

"I suppose..." I concede, not really sure if knowing that does make me feel any better.

"He isn't that bad... he's doesn't always fall over now!" Asuka makes a half-hearted attempt to defend me through her laughter as she takes my hand and looks around the room. I feel myself tense up as I realize most of the, if not all, the eyes in the room are now on me. I take a few deep breaths as Asuka leans in, "Don't worry about it, we'll just greet everyone and introduce you. No one is going to say or do anything."

I'm not given a chance to reply before Misato steps forward and pulls Asuka away from me and into a tight hug, "Happy Birthday Asuka!"

Asuka looks up at her, "Thank you Misato, I... I really appreciate all of this."

"It was all Rei and Shinji's doing, they sorted out everything!"

Misato releases her grip on Asuka and then turns to me, "Are you okay Kaworu?"

I nod, "I am... good, thank you."

"Good." The woman smiles and nods, "Look, don't be nervous, they've all been warned beforehand and as you can see, no security in here. So just... be yourself."

"I will... try." I nod back, "Thank you."

Asuka now leads me towards the first two people, Ritsuko and her wife Maya. Ritsuko seems quite friendly and polite when greeting me. Maya on the other hand gives me quite an icy glare. I suppose I can't blame her, she was on the bridge when I did... what I had to do. She probably remembers that day quite clearly.

I mumble something of a hello and say I hope they're both well before Asuka moves us on to the next two people. The next two are Touji and Kensuke, Shinji's longtime friends. I've heard a little bit about the two of them from Asuka. Most of it has been her joking about them both being idiots and not worthy of her attention. It's always been in jest though, although their position as friends of both Shinji and Asuka for a number of years does make me wary.

Touji is the first one I notice and I suppose the one I'm most wary of. He's taller than us, muscular and athletically built. He's made an attempt to dress smartly but I can see from how disheveled the suit is and how untidy his facial hair and hair in general is it isn't something he is used to.

The reason I'm wary of Touji is purely because I know the details of his first encounter with Shinji. I know the guy can be somewhat hotheaded, it was in the reports I had read and Shinji himself had told me. I'm not quite sure what to expect here, should I expect him to punch me in the face for what I had done?

I know it seems illogical, despite knowing of that hotheadedness I also know Touji is a caring person deep down. Shinji also spoke of the way Touji defended him against classmates who tried to talk down to Shinji about being a pilot. He spoke of the way Touji looked after his sister and also of the way Touji forgave him after the Bardiel incident.

Thankfully my fears are unfounded as I get a firm handshake from the guy and he welcomes me to Japan. He invites me to go with the three of them for a drink during my stay here. I politely nod and say that if I find the time to do so I will.

I now turn my attention towards the smaller one, Kensuke. Kensuke has longer hair, some patchy facial hair and round rimmed glasses. He is looking me up and down as if he is examining some sort of alien creature. I suppose in a way he is doing exactly that, so I try to not be too weirded out by it. Asuka told me that Kensuke was the 'Otaku' of their group, during their time in school he was heavily into military things and the Eva's in general.

Asuka told me that he was the more annoying of the two, if anything because of all the questions and his constant need to express a desire to be a pilot. She said he was quite naïve and never really made an effort to understand what her, Shinji and Rei may have been going through. She was also quite annoyed that his reaction to Touji's selection as a pilot was not one of fear for the boy or to congratulate him but instead jealousy.

She also made some rather alarming comments regarding Kensuke's usage of his camera during the first couple of weeks of her living in Tokyo-3. It was my understanding that he did stop such activities after being rightly threatened by her and Hikari.

When I first met Shinji, I had learned a little bit about Kensuke from him. Kensuke was the smarter of the three, and buried beneath that surface was a loyal friend. He certainly didn't want anyone to suffer but he never really understood what was at stake. Both have warned me that if anyone is going to ask me any awkward questions, then it would be him.

"Hmm... You don't seem to be much different to us." I hear him comment and my stomach drops. I can't say I wasn't expecting it but I was hopeful that maybe it wouldn't happen.

I am also quite shocked when I see Touji promptly jab Kensuke in the arm and snarl at him, "Kensuke, not now!"

I smile at the two of them, "I am not that different to you, not anymore."

"So, what was it lik... Ow!"

Kensuke's questioning is promptly cut off by another punch to the arm from Touji. Touji looks at me with something of a sheepish expression, "Sorry about this Kaworu, he can't help himself."

I nod, "I... understand. I know that the two of you will have many questions for me and about me."

Touji shakes his head, "Not really, I don't really care what you used to be. People do dumb things, I know I have. As far as I'm concerned, if Shinji says you're okay then you're okay with me."

I'm quite taken aback by his words, if only because they do not seem to be representative of the person Asuka has told me about. I smile, "Thank you... I appreciate that."

I'm given little opportunity to say anything else before Asuka pulls me away from the two of them, shaking her head and cursing Kensuke as she does so. She leads me towards the final two people in the room. Hikari and her sister Kodama.

"I told you they were both idiots." Asuka mutters as we talk across the room.

I laugh, "They weren't too bad... They were a little bit different to what I expected but they seem like good people."

"Oh yeah, they're definitely good people... but they're still idiots!"

I'm still laughing as we approach HIkari but soon stop when I see the expressions on both of their faces. Asuka lets go of my hand and I step aside to give the two of them a moment. I can see the nerves written on her face and realize just what a big moment this must be for her. These two haven't seen each other properly since before Third Impact. Asuka told me how Hikari was there for her during her breakdown.

I look on as Hikari breaks down crying and rushes forward wrapping Asuka up into a tight embrace. Realizing that this is their moment, I step aside and make my way over to Kodama who acknowledges me with a polite nod, "Mr Nagisa, you are looking well. How have things been in Germany?"

"Things have been good." I start to answer, "They have been... challenging at times though. I have had so much to learn, new skills that I did not have nor did I ever think I would need. Cooking... cleaning... paying bills... using public transport and dealing with other people but it has been a positive experience."

She grins at me, "I'm glad to hear it! I was really worried about you when you left us. It's a scary world out there at the best of times but... in your situation. I knew you could handle it though."

"I've been quite fortunate in the support I've been given." I admit, "Fuyutsuki has been a patient and valuable mental to me, you gave me a good start and Asuka has been... well meeting her has been the best thing to happen to me."

"Sounds like things are going great then!"

"They are..." I nod, "You know... all of this... I couldn't have done it without your support at the start. You helped me so much... you helped me be a little bit less afraid of who I was. You taught me the basics I needed to know of this world. I... don't know how I can repay you for that."

"Repay me by continuing to live and continuing to be happy. That is the only reward I desire from my work." She answers, "So... did you like my gift?"

"The music?" I smile widely as I answer, "Yes, very much so. It was... a wonderful gift."

"I had hoped so! I know you... loved music but wanted to experience more of what the world offered so it was... "

"Kaworu, may I speak with you?" We are suddenly interruped by Rei appearing next to the two of us. She turned towards Kodama, "I am sorry, this will not take long."

"It's fine." Kodama says, "It was nice to see you again Kaworu, we can talk later."

"Yes, I'd like that."

I wait a moment as Rei kisses Kodama softly on the lips and tells her she'll also see her later. Rei gives her another apology before starting to lead me out of the room and through the hotel lobby to the outside. As the cold breeze hits my face, I begin to feel that familiar feeling of apprehension, I wonder exactly why Rei has brought me out here.

"Do not be afraid." She speaks, almost as if she was reading my mind, "It is just better that this conversation between us happens away from the others. I hope you are well?"

"I am, thank you."

"And you are enjoying your stay in Japan so far, despite the security." She also asks me.

"Yes, I am."

"Good." We stop and she turns to face me, a stern expression on her face, "Again, I apologize for bringing you out in this manner. There are two things I wanted to speak to you about. The first, is that I owe you an apology for my unfair treatment of you over the past few months."

"Rei, you don't have to apologize for anything."

"No. I do." She cuts me off, "When I heard of your return all I could do was worry that you would once again hurt the people I loved. I was unwilling to accept you as a part of their lives. I was unwilling to accept you as a potential friend to Shinji or a lover to Asuka. I could not see you as anything but that which you were back then, despite the fact that neither of us are what were. I could only see you as a villain and not a victim in all of this as well. I could not face the fact that we are in many ways, the same. What you tried to do... was very close to what I very nearly did."

I nod my head, listening to what she has said, "Rei, you don't need to explain anything. I know why you thought those things and... I do not know if I would do any better in that regard. I don't blame you for how you reacted. I know that... I had and have to do a lot of work to gain peoples trust and prove to them that I am not what they think I am."

"You have already done enough to prove that." She replies, "I have never seen Asuka as happy as she is now. The love that you two share... is so powerful. I no longer fear you hurting her, instead I am thankful that you came into her life."

I feel my cheeks turning red, "Rei... I..."

"I just ask that..." Rei fixes me with a frightening and cold stare, "you never... ever hurt her."

"I wouldn't! Rei... I love her, I can't imagine being without her, I can't imagine ever hurting her!"

"Good." She remarks sternly before softening her stance somewhat, "I am happy you feel that way and care so much for her. I would also like to ask... how do you feel regarding my brother?"

Her question catches me slightly off guard, not so much her asking it but the way she asked it and the way she is now looking at me. I can't help but wonder just what she means by asking it and how I should answer it. Should I be honest with her, and tell her about the love I also feel for Shinji or should I downplay that? Is this perhaps a test to prove to her that I would not abandon Asuka.

I look back at her, "I care for your brother deep. I am... truly sorry for hurting him all those years ago and I am grateful to him that I have been given an opportunity to forge a new friendship with him."

"My brother loves you, you are aware of that, aren't you?" She replies bluntly.

Again, she has completely caught me off guard and I feel a tingle down my spine and weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Shinji... his feelings for me, I never really thought about that possibility. To hear any semblance of confirmation... but it does not matter how he feels.

"I did not know that but... my heart is with Asuka. It is true that I once had feelings for Shinji... in many ways I still do but I would not betray Asuka to act out on them. I love Asuka... so much..."

I trail off wonder if this really was a test and also wondering if Rei was telling me the truth. I look into her eyes for any trace of a lie. I do not think Rei would be the sort to deceive another especially with a subject such as this. Which leads me to ask, why is she telling me this?

"...besides what he feels for me is surely an illusion based on what he thinks or thought I was. I know truthfully his heart is with... Asuka."

Rei nods her head, "You are incorrect, his heart... is with you both."

I shake my head as I see her smile slightly, all this Is doing is leading me to be more confused. Why is Rei telling me this? To hear that though, it makes me think about my own heart and feelings, have I not just thought a similar thing regarding myself, that I have these strong feelings for both of these people.

"Asuka..." I start to speak, "She... feels strongly for him as well. I can see it when she talks about him. Her eyes light up, she wears a smile that is so very beautiful and so very frightening to me. It's a confirmation of her love for him."

"And... that is what I see when I speak to her about you." Rei answers me, "It is quite interesting to me, to be a person who is learning to be human to witness such a thing. To witness this unique bond that the three of you share, to understand a truth that you have all been unable to admit to but all know deep down."

I look at her again, "What are you trying to say?"

"Are you stupid?" Rei answers me, in a tone that tells me that Asuka may have been something of an influence on her, "You know what I am telling you, that it is time for the three of you to stop this and take your opportunity."

"Why are you telling me this, why not Shinji or Asuka?"

"Because you are like me... you are a soul that was lost and is trying to find its way in the world. You are like me, you deserve to be happy and you are also like me. You are not originally of this world, you are no more bound to human conventions and traditions than I am. We may try to adapt to them but they are not ingrained upon us like they are to Asuka and Shinji. Therefore you... would be more understanding of such things."

I nod, "I... think I understand."

"I want my brother to be happy Kaworu... I want my best friend to be happy as well and you... you deserve to be happy too. Your time here in Japan is limited, I do not know what will happen after you return, it could be some time before you are all in this situation again, I would not want for you to waste this opportunity."

"Opportunity?" I repeat and think about what she is saying. I think about myself... about Asuka and about Shinji. About the love the three of us have for one another. I love Asuka and... I do think I love Shinji. Asuka... she loves me and I know she loves Shinji as well and Shinji... I was always uncertain of his feelings for me but I know he loves Asuka.

Would such a thing be possible though? Throughout human history there have been examples of it I suppose. It is not exactly seen as normal but then... there is little normal about me as it is. Would Asuka and Shinji accept such a thing though?

"I do not... would they accept it?" I ask Rei.

Rei nods, "I believe they would. Love is a strong thing even if it isn't traditional."

"But... I don't really... me and Asuka we just... sort of fell into it. It wasn't like I romanced her or she me, it just sort of... happened."

"Then let this 'happen'" Rei replies, "Just make the most of this opportunity Nagisa."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Hotel Exterior – Asuka Langley Soryu

The sun is now starting to set as I look out from my position on the rooftops over the skyline of Tokyo-2. I was able to escape from the party a few minutes ago, it was starting to get a little bit overwhelming for me. It's quite funny, my younger self would have loved all that fuss and attention, they'd have loved the cake and the presents. They'd have taken great joy in making sure everyone knew it was all about them.

Now... Well it's not that I don't appreciate the fuss and the cake was beautiful and the gifts were lovely but I'm happier to just be able to slip by and be invisible. I'm happy to just take a few minutes to relax and be all by myself.

It is nice to see everyone again though. Even Touji and Kensuke... I suppose for all the grief I gave them, they aren't too bad. I mean they are idiots and Kensuke does look ridiculous with that attempt at a moustache but they're loyal friends to Shinji and have looked after him. They've been a better friend than I could ever have hoped to be.

I have to admit, it was quite amusing to me when Kensuke started to talk about his excited that Mari Makinami's next book is due out soon. He's apparently ordered himself a signed copy and would love to meet the person behind it. Maybe I'll tell him... maybe I won't but it was funny to share a knowing look with both Shinji and Kaworu about the whole thing.

"Asuka?"

So much for being alone. I turn around to see Shinji standing a few meters away from me. Thankfully, there is no one else there, so I suspect someone noticed I was missing and sent him after me, either that or he noticed me slip away.

"Misato said she saw you slip away... she sent me to..."

"See if I was okay?" I nod, "I'm okay, just not used to a situation like this. It's been a while."

"I know what you mean." He laughs, "Not that... I was every really used to this sort of thing."

"No... You weren't." I laugh as well as I turn back around to look out over the city again. Shinji quietly takes up a position beside me, "It's strange isn't it. The last time we'd have done something like this the buildings would probably have been moving up and down."

I can see him nodding his head out of the corner of my eye, "Yeah... Tokyo 3 was... strange and beautiful in its own way."

"Yeah... it was." I nod in reply, "It wasn't that bad a place to live I guess... well aside from the daily threat of giant monsters but I think... we did alright in defending the city, didn't we?"

I see him turn his head, "Do you... miss that at all? Being a pilot, I mean?"

"No... Not at all." I let out a sigh and turn myself around to face him, "Do you miss it?"

"No. I didn't even like it when I was a pilot. I hated it. I hated wearing the plugsuit, I hated being in the cockpit, I hated fighting in it... I hated how much it hurt." Every word Shinji says mirrors my exact thoughts on the whole thing as well. For all I acted like I loved it, for all my training and words and for all I was damn good at it... I hated each and every moment of it.

"I know..." My voice is kept low as we stand there for a few moments in silence.

"Why did you leave Asuka?" He suddenly asks me.

"You already know why Shinji." I let you and a sigh and shrug, "I just... didn't feel like I belonged here anymore. I didn't feel like I deserved to be here. I kept on thinking about all the things I was and how I had acted and all the things that had happened to me and I just couldn't face it. I had to get away, to save myself and to save you. Besides, I thought you all hated me."

"Asuka..." He lets out a sigh of his own, "Misato... me... Rei... we never hated you... we... wanted to understand. I wanted to understand."

"But you couldn't understand me." I reply to him, "You could barely understand yourself, me being there too... it would have been too much. I think... it was better that I left. Do I regret it? A little bit, maybe the way I did it... maybe the lack of being in touch but I think staying would have hurt us all more."

I look at him as he mulls over my words. I don't know if he believes me or thinks I'm right. I'm not even sure if I know I'm right. A part of me wishes I had not left, to see how things would have panned out but I do think my staying back than might have caused me to regress, to resent Misato and Shinji more than I had done in the past.

"Look... the way I was feeling at that time Shinji." I start to speak again, "I wanted to stay, I wanted to be part of the family but I never felt like I was. You, Misato and Rei... were the family unit and I was the outsider. That was the way it had been and the way I felt like it still was."

"That isn't true!" Shinji starts to plead with me but I quickly cut him off.

"Maybe it wasn't true but it felt that way." I stop him, "Look at what I was Shinji... I was the soldier who was drafted into this at a young age. I was nothing more than a grunt if you think about it. Given my orders and told what to do, no greater purpose and no knowledge of the truth. Rei... she was made for a reason, she knew the truth and you... you found out what was happening because of who you were but what about me? I was left in the dark. Sure... I felt something was wrong with NERV but I never questioned it."

"I wish I could have told you..." Shinji adds, "But when I found out you were..."

"I know." I nod, "I wasn't in any state to be told anything but no one even thought to try. All that stuff about SEELE, about what the Eva's really were, Rei's origins... I found out after the fact and it was just a lot for me to take in. I had to face so much and I just... felt doing it with all of you around wouldn't help. I had to be alone. Like I said... I went about it the wrong way... I should have told you all I was leaving... I should have stayed in contact but I'm stubborn and a fool. I always feel like I have to do these things alone."

"I think... I understand." he replies after thinking about it for a bit, "I'm sorry you... felt you had to leave."

I wave my hand, "Don't worry about it, you were young... how could you have known what to do. Besides, you had a new sister to deal with and loads of other things going on. Just... know that I am sorry."

"Okay." He nods again, "You know that... even though you think it you didn't always hurt me, right? I know we hurt each other but... I'm grateful that I met you and... living with and being friends with you was one of the few good things I had back then."

This time I turn myself around to face him, his words striking a chord with me. I know that when I do look back on those times it wasn't the victories in the Eva, the praise or the pursuit of glory that made me happy. It was being with Shinji... It was being with Hikari... It was spending the night at Misato's watching dumb TV or even doing my homework. It was the comfortable silences we had in the front room and the smell of Shinji's cooking.

It was all of those moments, those fleeting moments in between the fear of more pain brought on by the Eva's, the fear I had of the terrors that struck me in the night time, that helped me through and made me feel alive. It was those moments that made me truly happy, they were what allowed me to hold onto the real me, the real me that was slipping further and further away.

It was a long time before I would ever see her again. I tucked her away in a corner for so long and I tucked away that other Asuka for years when I left Japan. Parts of her would come back to the surface when Rei eventually tracked me down but I tried to keep her locked up. I was so scared that if I let her out properly than the horrible and nasty side of me would follow. It wasn't until Kaworu came into my life and this whole thing started properly that I began to feel I was safe in being... me.

I look up at Shinji's face, a part of me ever so slightly irritated to see what he now has even more height on me than before I left. The sun has pretty much set now but the rooftop is lit up more than enough to let me see his face clearly. He's retained his youth well, on his cheeks and chin I can see a few cuts and scratches from where has has shaved, I guess I don't need too long to figure out his stance on facial hair.

I look up into his eyes and I can see the same thing I saw many years ago. Fear, pain, hurt, determination and that desire to be loved and forgiven. It's remarkable what can be seen in a simple pair of blue eyes.

"Asuka I..." he starts to speak again, his voice cracking ever so slightly. I can already guess where this is going and prepare myself for the discomfort, "I just wanted you to know that... I know those things I did to you were awful and there is no excuse for it. There is nothing to justify them and... I know I don't deserve forgiveness but I am... truly sorry."

I nod my head at him. I know to not be mad at him for this, this apology isn't just a reflex on his part like they might once have been. It's genuine and sincere. I reach up with my hand and gently cup his cheek, "I know... I forgvie you Shinji and... I know I wasn't the easiest person to live with. So... I'm sorry too, for the abuse I gave you and for acting the way I did."

I expect Shinji to say something in reply to that but instead he surprises me by wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a warm embrace. I let my arms wrap themselves around him as I rest my head on his shoulder. There is only us, standing on this rooftop, holding each other in the cool evening air.

We stand there for a moment wrapped in each other's arms until I eventually lift my head away from his shoulder to once again look straight into his eyes. Our faces are in close proximity now, so close that his breathing is actually tickling my face. I've been here before, haven't I? A long time ago, the time I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

It's be so easy to rectify that mistake now, wouldn't it? I could close that distance between us, press my lips up against his and get that thing I had been craving for so very long. I could let myself fall into his arms and not fuck it up this time around. How easy would it be for me to just let myself go, to forget about the rest of the world, everyone else and fulfil that one simple desire.

I can see the passion in his eyes, I can feel the trembling of his hands and I have to wonder if he can see and feel the same things from me. I have to wonder... is this desire I'm feeling or fear. Maybe it's fear of crossing that line and knowing what it would mean. Knwoing that in correcting one mistake I'd be making a band new mistake. A mistake with much worse repercussions. I'd be hurting myself, Shinji and most of all Kaworu if I were to cross that line.

There is a voice deep down inside telling me to do it. To forget about everything else, to fix that situation as it happens. That it's one kiss...one kiss that leads to another, that leads to another and before you know it leads to more. The line... it's so easy to cross, isn't it? We could do it right here and now, no one needs to know. Except we'd know... we'd know we crossed it and neither of us could life with that.

I'm not in denial about my feelings for Shinji. I have such strong feelings for him but I love... I love Kaworu and I'm with Kaworu. I couldn't betray him, not now and not ever. I've been hurt enough in my own life to hurt someone like this.

The line... I won't cross it. It's easy to cross it but bad things are easy and never work out as satisfying as they seem.

So... I'm sorry about this Shinji but... I'm saving us both by doing this. You know it's the right thing as well. You wouldn't want this. Savor this moment though, use it as a fantasy in which we do go further. I give you permission for that.

I let go of Shinji and take a step back. I look at him as he comes to attention also stepping back and looking rather embarrassed.

"We should get back to the party... they'll probably be concerned about us and... you know what Misato is like."

Shinji simply nods, "Yeah, we should."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Thanks everyone for the positive ratings and thanks Vajrei for the comment. It's much appreciated. As promised here is the opening of the next chapter.

Rei Ayanami

I lean in carefully and kiss Kodama one more time on the lips before my body gives way and I collapse next to her on the bed. I clumsily drape my arm over her and we both lie there for a few moments, the both of us riding out the waves of our pleasure, our bodies naked and covered in sweat, the only sounds are that of our breathing.

After a time, she turns onto her side, props her head up onto her hand and gives me that sweet smile that I couldn't help but fall in love with. With her free hand she idly traces shapes along my stomach and chest.

"I love you Rei Ayanami."

She traces out the shape of a love heart on my stomach as she says it. I smile back at her, my cheeks glowing red at her sudden declaration. I reply, "I love you too Kodama."

I lean in towards her and we kiss once more. As we kiss, I can't help but hope that Kodama knows how sincere I am when I tell her that I love her. I am aware that because of the way I speak, because of the way I look it is not always obvious that I am genuine in my declarations of love or emotion. It has been an issue with previous partners, either they have taken issue with such declarations and ignored them. They... do not make the effort to understand me.

With that said I... I feel like Kodama has made that effort. I feel like she understands me. I have never felt for someone the way I have done for her. So, I... am scared that perhaps she doesn't understand.

"You're so cute when you worry about things." She suddenly declared, snapping me away from my worries.

"How did you know I was worrying?" I ask her with some confusion in my voice."

She giggles, "It's subtle but I can tell. Your brow furrows just a little bit and I've noticed you tend to bite your bottom lip every so often."

"I... did not notice." I answer back, suddenly more aware of what I'm doing. Her words haven't embarrassed me though, instead they fill me with a sense of optimism. Maybe I am right in believing she understands me, "Then you... know that I am sincere when I say... I love you?"

"Of course I know that Rei! I would never question anything like that." She nods and grins before bringing her hand up to my hand and softly running it down through my hair. She rests her hand on my cheek, "Is that what was worrying you?"

I nod, "I am not... an outwardly expressive person. I have never been like that and I likely never will be. I know that this might be off-putting to another or it might lead them to not believe in what I am saying. To some I might even seem to be without emotion but... I do have emotions."

"You just express things in a different way. There is nothing wrong with that." Kodama replies to me, her tone gentle and calming, "You are who you are Rei and... I would never want you to be any other way. I love you and... you make me so happy."

"And you make me happy too." I smile at her as I playfully push her onto her back and climb onto her, snuggling my head onto her chest, "I can hear your heart, it's fast."

She laughs again, "It's still pounding because of you. You were... enthusiastic tonight."

"I felt like celebrating." I answer, as I run my hand up along the sides of her body. As I do this, I feel her wrap her arms around me and start to run her hands over me. I let out a soft sigh as her fingertips gently brush along my stomach and up to my breasts.

"Do Kaworu seemed open to the idea?" Kodama asks me.

I nod as I let out another sigh as her hands caress me. I try to ignore the stirrings within me for the moment, "I think so... I spoke to him about it and he seemed to understand but I am still... unsure about Asuka and Shinji. I know they all have feelings for each other but... I don't know if they would consider it."

Kodama's hand moves down to my leg and she slowly begins to slide it upwards, I let out another sigh as I anticipate her touch there, much to my disappointment she stops nearly inches away to answer my question, "We gave them the idea and a little bit of a nudge. I think that is all they need. Nature will take its course."

"So... we shouldn't do anything else?" I ask.

"No, nothing else." She shakes her head, "We give them the idea and the support but it's up to them. It's like you said... we shouldn't try to matchmake or force them. If they want to then... they do but if not then it isn't to be."

"Good I... would not be comfortable in any sort of manipulation."

"Neither would I, we just need to give it time." She kisses the top of my head before whispering to me, "For now though... I think that maybe we should celebrate just a bit more."