Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

[jcmoorehead]

Asuka Langley Soryu

I feel sick.

I almost kissed him. I was so close to kissing Shinji fucking Ikari. I was merely second away of doing it, our lips were centimeters away, my mind was only a few words away from convincing me. I was close, so very close and god, I hate myself so much for it. I hate myself for considering betraying Kaworu like that, if only for a second.

Even worst, I hate myself for feeling a slight tinge of regret at not going through with it.

The feeling has been there since it happened. It's gnawing at me, berating me for being such a coward. It tells me that I betrayed myself, that I betrayed the Asuka Langley Soryu who claimed that she wasn't afraid of anything, that she didn't care who she stood on or hurt to get what she wanted, not only what she wanted but what she deserved.

Yes, I betrayed her. I betrayed that version of me from the past because I don't deserve to kiss Shinji. I don't have a right to him and I sure as hell am not going to hurt Kaworu to try to correct some stupid mistake I made years ago.

Yet, the voice is there.

'Pathetic, you've been waiting years for a moment like this and you ran away. You coward!'

I didn't run away damnit. I saved myself, I saved Shinji and I save Kaworu from the pain of what we would all have to go through if we cross that line.

Yet, the voice shouts back at me.

'So what if you do betray Kaworu? Look at who he is, what he is! Look at what he did to Shinji all those years ago. He tore that boy apart! Do you not think Shinji deserves some revenge for that? Don't you think we deserve some vengeance too! He tried to take our Unit 2, he tried to take mama!'

I look at myself in the mirror and resist the sudden urge to drive my fist through it. My reflection stares back at me wearing a scowl and my features now turned the whitest shade of pale. For a brief moment I wonder if maybe I'm going mad, trying to answer to a voice in my head but I remind myself that everyone is going through this. Everyone has these doubts and fears, these ghosts of the past that try to hurt us. Shinji has them, Rei does, Misato does and I know for a fact Kaworu does.

Deep breaths Asuka... take some deep breaths.

The Asuka that I hear, the voices from many years ago. She is me and I am her. Those voices are a part of me but I know what they are. They're the result of fear, fear of being hurt and fear of being weak. Well I'm Asuka Langley Soryu damnit, and I'm going to kick fears ass!

I did the right thing. I knew fine well that coming here to Japan and seeing Shinji again wasn't going to be easy. I knew that it'd awaken the feelings I have for him. I didn't expect us to get as close as we did tonight but I also would never cross that line. I love Kaworu and regardless of my feelings for Shinji I am not going to betray him and I'm not going to leave him. I did the right thing tonight. I know it and Shinji will know it as well.

We got close tonight, maybe we allowed ourselves to get too close but it was natural. We ahven't seen each other for a long time and there is still a lot to be resolved. We've been in touch for a short while again and already so much has happened. Still, we didn't do anything because we both know that crossing the line would be wrong. Maybe things will be awkward as a result of this but it can help us. It proves we can be adults about certain things now.

As far as me considering kissing him and maybe feeling regret. Is that not natural? The mind... can wander but it's when you take action or let it go too far then it becomes a problem. We didn't take action and we haven't let anything go too far. We are exorcising those feelings for each other and yes... I do feel awful for considering but I didn't do anything.

I take a few more deep breaths to calm myself and go back over those points in my head a few more times. Each loop makes me feel a little bit more at ease. I'm not pleased or proud of tonight at all. I know it was bad for us to get close and I won't let it happen again but we did stop it, we actually stopped it and came out of it unharmed. I can take solace in that.

Happy Birthday to me I guess! What gift did I bestow upon myself? Guilt, shame and more to debate with myself.

I turn to look back towards the bedroom. Kaworu is fast asleep, no ide about what happened or at least, nearly happened tonight. He has no idea me and Shinji got that close. I have no idea if I should actually tell him. What do you say about something like that?

'Oh hey Kaworu, though you should know. Me and Shinji almost kissed tonight, but we did stop ourselves before so... never mind eh?'

Still I... I want to tell someone. I want to just make sure I did do the right thing and that I shouldn't feel this much guilt. I have to tell someone because... as much as I hate to admit it, I can't deal with this alone. I pull my phone out of my bad and quickly scroll to a name in my address book and type out a message.

'Rei, need to speak to you. Hotel bar in 10? Asuka x'

 

[jcmoorehead]

Speaking of angst...

Shinji Ikari

I'm the lowest...

I'm scum... I'm horrible... I'm a coward, a sneak, detestable...

I almost kissed her. I wanted to kiss her. Even though I know she has a boyfriend, even though that boyfriend is my friend I was so close to doing it, I wanted to do it. If she hadn't have said something to stop me than I would have done. I'd have committed the ultimate betrayal, after all that had happened, after he had forgiven me for the actions that I thought were unforgivable.

The worst thing is that... I actually regret not kissing her. I regret not reaching up with my hand, running it through her hair, cupping her cheek, tilting her head up and pressing my lips against hers. I regret not looking into her eyes, correcting the mistake from years ago and saying the words I've been wanting to say for so long.

I love you Asuka.

Those words ring in my head, of course I love her! I love her because I'm such a horrible person. That's all I'll ever be! Asuka has someone, she is in love with them and they are in love with her. I should forget all about her. I should stop these foolish thoughts. Only... I can't... because I'm the lowest of the low! I'm a horrible excuse for a human being. I'm...

I drive my fist forward in anger, it comes into contact with my pillow and I watch as the damn thing flies off the bed and lands on the floor of my bedroom. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate what I near did and I hate my stupid reaction to it.

My brain has taken wat nearly happened as the confirmation it needed to justify all those horrible things I've been thinking about myself. It's seen what nearly happened, what I nearly did and my thoughts as some confirmation that I'm this evil and horrible person.

What is it with me? Why do I have this need to hate myself so much? Why am I unable to see myself as anything other than a bad person? Is this your doing father? Is this the gift I got from you when I was born? You couldn't keep your own self-hatred within so it spread and branded itself onto my soul?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you and what you did to me!

All of this that I feel, every little piece of negativity it all goes back to you doesn't it father? You imprinted it onto me, the Rokubungi family curse. I hate myself just like my father before me, just like your father before you and so on. Fuyutsuki told me what your parents were like, he said they weren't good people either. This is what they gave to me!

This need, these feelings, they were always going to be there. Lurking in the background and seizing any opportunity. It's hereditary, runs in families, just like any illness.

I know the facts. It's an illness, no matter how I was raised I would have been susceptible to it. I could have been raised by two loving and present parents and had an amazing childhood and still that depression could rise to the surface. Only in my case my past helped it, the issues I fixate on are all influenced by it.

It feeds on the fears and feelings I had from a young age. He helped put them there. He feared other people, he feared hurting me and being hurt by me. So, he pushed me away but in him doing that... my depression... my anxiety fed on it. He abandoned me to save himself but it only sowed a seed within me that it fed on. I felt like I had done something wrong, like I was to blame and not worthy of love.

I let out a sigh of annoyance. Why does this have to happen now, why are these thoughts here now? I'm days away from this concert. I'm already nervous enough about performing in front of an audience that contains my friends and family without having this on top of me. I should be enjoying this moment and embracing it not... being like this.

Then again... they do say musicians perform better when under stress or some sort of trauma. If that's true then I'll be the best performer in the world in a couple of nights time.

I sit myself up on the bed and reach down to pick up the pillow and try to calm myself down. I need to break the cycle, I need to think about this properly... I need to do something but I don't know what. When I think about it logically I... I almost kissed Asuka but I didn't actually do it. All that happened was I felt strong feelings towards her but we stopped ourselves.

I know Asuka is with someone and it would have been wrong to do anything but I... I'm allowed to have feelings for someone, aren't I? It isn't wrong to love someone, it's how you act that changes things.

It was no different to when I was out with Kaworu the other night. I... I felt things for him. I envisioned kissing him too. We didn't get as close as me and Asuka did but we still got pretty close. I could picture kissing him then too but I didn't.

Logically I... I have done nothing wrong. As if logic actually matters when it comes to my brain.

I just... I need to go through this and keep reminding myself I'm not a bad person and I've done nothing wrong. My focus for the next few days should be practicing for the concert and if I need to speak to someone... maybe Rei? She'll know the right things to say.

For now, I look at my pillow and feel my eyes getting heavier. Sleep seems like a good idea, put tonight behind me and start properly tomorrow.

 

[jcmoorehead]

So sorry, been quite busy lately and totally forgot to update the thread here. This has actually been out on FFN for over a week now. Sorry!

----

Kaworu Nagisa

I look at the two of them, I smile and nod, "I love you Asuka... I love you Shinji."

It is Asuka who speaks next, reaching over to cup Shinji's cheek and softly stroking the boy's face, "I love you Shinji, I love you Kaworu."

I turn to see the deep blush on Shinji's cheek, "I love the two of you as well."

I feel only warmth as the three of us embrace one another and fall asleep in each other's arms. Each of us sleeping peacefully, holding onto each other for warmth and love. There is no more fear, no more negative feeling, we're all together, propping each other up and sharing the love we have for one another.

Those are the thoughts that run through my head at this moment in time at least. Those are the scenes that my mind has conjured up based on Rei's words. We embrace each other, give each other sweet little kisses and smile at one another, we deliver sweet declarations of love to each other.

I let out a little laugh, I know of course such a scene probably wouldn't be possible. If there is one major different between the portrayal of romance in the media and romance in real life it's that sleeping next to your partner is not an easy task. Sleeping with them in your arms or in their arms is night on impossible and if by some chance you do fall asleep, you usually wake up in some discomfort.

Still... the rest of it... the declarations of love... us all being together. Something about it just seems right. Would it be possible?

Since I spoke to Rei earlier tonight, I've gone over the idea a vast number of times. I admit, the idea is appealing, this idea that me, Asuka and Shinji could be in a relationship together. Still I have to ask again, is it possible? Would something like that even work?

It leads me to another thing I have learned, relationships are rewarding but they aren't always easy. They require work between those involved. For people like myself and Asuka this is certainly the case, especially when you consider the people we are. We have a lot of issues to resolve, we have a lot of insecurity to deal with. Would introducing a third person to this not just add to the complications we already face? Considering that person is Shinji, I do have to wonder.

Still, what Rei said to me is true. I do love Shinji and I do love Asuka. I know for a fact that Asuka loves Shinji and that she loves me. I know that Shinji loves Asuka and... I can see the feelings he has for me as well. I saw them shine through the other night when we took that walk together. I saw it in his eyes, I saw it in how he smiled at me, I could feel it in how he held me when we took that selfie. He was at peace, he was comfortable and there was a connection.

It was a much stronger connection than the one I felt many years ago. Of course, I was no longer under the control of SEELE, I was no longer influenced by the call of Lillith, I was not and am not here to deceive. I could just be me, I could be Kaworu Nagisa.

For a moment... there was even a part of me that could have leaned in and kissed him. I could have cupped his cheek, smiled at him and told him all would be alright and kissed him softly on his lips. Of course, I would not do such a thing. To do so would have been a betrayal of what me and Asuka have, it would only cause more pain for the three of us. I do feel for him, but no so much that I would or could jeopardize what I have.

Still... Rei's idea, if the three of us were together, If we allowed ourselves to face the reality of what the three of us feel then there would be no potential for betrayal, there would be no potential for hurting one another, there would be no fear of losing someone to another, there would be... us.

I am not so ignorant to think that perhaps similar thoughts haven't entered Asuka's mind concerning kissing Shinji, or that he has no considered kissing Asuka. I hope... I would hope that they would not do such a thing behind my back. I would be hurt by that but them thinking about it... it is natural for them to do so, especially when our feelings for each other are so strong... so why not just do this?

The seed that Rei has planted in my mind, it has taken root and is starting to grow. It seems like such a simple and obvious suggestion but I do have questions and reservations. Could it actually work? In an ideal world, yes it probably would. Yet, this world is not an ideal one and Shinji and Asuka are still human at their very core, even me and my alien upbringing and nature still clings to what can be seen as traditional human values.

The concept of two people in a relationship is ingrained in most of human culture. It is the 'default', the 'standard', the 'normal', so to speak. There are cultures that have or do practice forms of polyamory but they are usually met with suspicion or derision. It has unfortunately been the case that in some cases of multiple partners it is the result of manipulation or some form of abuse.

Yet I know there are genuine examples of relationships with multiple partners within this world. I know that there are cases where there is no power imbalance, no manipulation and what happens is healthy. So, I know that it can work.

I am also more than aware of the sexual side of multiple partners. It would seem that within the realm of pornography, threesomes and group sex are some of the more popular types of content. It is seen as something of an ultimate fantasy. I know that such videos are staged, the people involved very rarely in an actual relationship or in the cases in which the couple were in a relationship it was an outsider or someone they had no connection with.

The reality of a threesome seemed to be a bit darker. Many daytime TV shows or articles discussion threesomes gone wrong. A couple inviting a third person in and issues with infidelity or jealousy arose much later. Still, I wonder why things went wrong in these cases? Lack of communication? Lack of boundaries? Perhaps one of them was just trying to please their partner? Maybe they didn't realize the connection.

For us three... We would have that communication, that connection, we would be building this relationship on our love for one another. Away from the warnings, away from the pornography there are genuine examples of such things working. People can break with tradition and forge the path they want. So, I can take heart knowing such things are possbile.

Perhaps then, it could be possible for Shinji, Asuka and I?

Again, my mind goes back to that scenario I envisioned earlier. It goes through other scenarios. The three of us together in the apartment, taking it in turns to cook meals for each other, playing games together or just relaxing and cuddling on the couch.

Again, my mind throws up doubts. Asuka and Shinji are not like me. They are human and I am... I'm an alien raised by humans. They are perhaps not quite as open minded as I am when it comes to such things. For me love... is love but for them love might be rooted in tradition. For us, it could be the case that we might not be as equal as I think we would be. One might feel jealous of another, one might feel frozen out. What if one would argue and feel the other is taking sides? How do you mediate such a thing?

It could even be the case that by suggesting the idea would ruin the love me and Asuka share. It could ruin my friendship with Shinji. Asuka could see it as confirmation that I am looking elsewhere. Shinji could see it as me trying to manipulate him.

The scenarios, the fantasies are just that, they are fantasy. They're not practical and for each article that touts a success there is another that shows a failure.

Further to the point, how do I even suggest such a thing to them? Would I get them together in a room with me and tell them then? Do I speak to Asuka first or speak to Shinji first? It would surely be unfair to drop such a bombshell on the both of them together but it'd also be unfair to tell one and not the other would it not?

I admit, I have doubts as well. The fear of one being frozen out, both of those would have it and so would I. Perhaps it would be Asuka and Shinji who grow closer and I am frozen out, cast aside. Maybe... No, that is not it. I should not be suspicious of Rei. I do not believe her to be that devious.

What she has told me will be true and correct, at least she believes it to be true and correct. Yet, I do not know how to proceed with this information. What do I do next?

 

[jcmoorehead]

Update 2/2, let's revisit Rei and see how she is doing.

Rei Ayanami

I look at the clock on the wall to see that it's just turned one a.m, the hotel bar is pretty much empty save for myself, a businessman in the corner left behind to sleep away his drunkenness and a tired barman who has set himself the task of wiping away all the watery circles left behind by the glasses of this evening patrons.

I shift my gaze to the lobby and see a young family stood there with their suitcases placed on the floor, in the mother's arms is a young child wriggling to be put down and holding the father's hand is a yawning boy. I assume they're waiting for a taxi to come and take them back to the airport, so they can catch an early morning flight back to wherever it is in the world they're from.

Kodama is upstairs, having fallen asleep not long after we finished making love. I think about my girlfriend, how my life is so much better now for her being in it. It is strange how a chance encounter can lead to something so fulfilling, I was not even thinking about being in a relationship when I met her on that day and yet something about her stuck with me. The more we spoke the more I liked, she also seemed to be one of the few who understood me.

There are very few I know who do understand, Asuka is one of them and perhaps there was a time when I would have liked to have been involved with her but I know her heart has always belonged elsewhere and I am fine with that. Asuka however, is the reason I am in this bar at this time of night, she messaged me not long after Kodama had fallen asleep, just as I was drifting off to sleep myself.

While I'm waiting, I find myself just observing and thinking about various things. I think about this bar, this hotel, they are places that never really close. A person's shift will end for another's to immediately begin, there is no moment in which things are left unoccupied. The family I see in the lobby, they are waiting to go home but in half an hour another family might arrive and check in. Two weeks from now that family may leave and be replaced by another, the cycle repeats.

People will arrive here, they may be families, young couples, those travelling alone or as part of a group. It could be in a taxi or a coach load of tourists but they will arrive. They will stay in hotels like this, they will do what people do, go to museums, eat and drink in the local restaurants, get drunk, shop, make love, and then they'll return to their homes with a host of new memories. I only hope they are happy memories.

I take another sip of my drink and see Asuka finally enter the bar. She immediately spots me and slowly makes her way towards me. I study her expression as she gets closer, she looks worried about something? No... angry perhaps? It is difficult to tell. I already suspect something bad has happened, Asuka messaging me at such an early hour of the morning is not something I'd expect her to do.

I am worried that this might be my fault. My first thought is that something happened between her and Kaworu. He must have spoken to her about my suggestion earlier and the fool has messed it up! That has to be it. Me and Kodama must have been wrong to put our trust in him to do this. We shouldn't have interfered.

"Hey Rei." She sits down on the seat opposite me and lets out a sigh, "Sorry about this, I know it's late but... I needed to speak to you about something."

"It is fine." I answer her, "Is everything alright?"

She nods, "Yes.... Well No... I... I don't really know how to say this so I guess I'll just come out with it. It's... Urgh it sounds so stupid to even think about saying it. You're not even going to believe it."

She looks like she is almost about to laugh as she speaks. I meet her gaze and ask, "What happened? Has Kaworu done something?"

"Kaworu? No! Kaworu hasn't done anything." She looks up at the ceiling for a moment as my confusion grows, if this isn't anything to do with Kaworu then what could it be? Her pause gives me a brief moment to try to think about what it could be but nothing comes to mind, "God! It's... I almost kissed Shinji tonight."

It takes a moment for my mind to actually process what Asuka has said to me. I was half expecting her to mention she had an argument with Shinji or Misato said something to upset her if this wasn't related to Kaworu. I was in no way prepared for her to say this though. The shock of it causes me to almost spit out the water I'm drinking straight in her direction but I manage to contain myself.

"Could you please repeat that?" I ask her, just to make sure that what I thought I heard is in fact what I actually heard.

"I... almost kissed Shinji tonight." She repeats it, her face turning red and her eyes lowered towards the table, "I was on the rooftop away from the party for a brief time. He found me and we were talking... I..."

She trails off and starts looking around the room and fidgeting with her hands. The silence lasts for thirty seconds before I decide to bring her attention back to the conversation, "What happened Asuka?"

She lets out a sigh in annoyance and throws her hands up, "We spoke, we hugged and I don't know... there was a moment... a moment where we looked at each other and... well I don't know if he thought it too but I did... I was close... it could have happened..."

This is not... ideal for what I was hoping would happen between the three of them. On the one hand it does show that there are still strong feelings on the side of Asuka and Shinji, it is proof of that but if they have already ruined that then it ruins the potential for all three of them to be happy. I am certain that the three of them belong together, Kodama is certain as well but we agreed to only try to nudge one of them in that direction. We are not going to interfere in it, we want it to be a natural thing, not forced.

Still... maybe I should... maybe I could say something because of what happened. No... I should not for now. Instead my duty is to my friend and making her feel better. I know this will make her feel bad and I understand that completely. I would feel the same if such a thing happened to me. The facts are this though, they nearly kissed but did not. She does not know if Shinji also wanted to kiss her, he likely did but that is not relevant.

Asuka has committed no sin, I should remind her of this, I should also find out what I can about this and her and Kaworu.

"Does Kaworu know what happened?" I finally ask after taking some time to get my thoughts in order.

She shakes her head, "No, of course he doesn't know. How could I tell him something like that?"

We fall into silence as I try to think of something to say to her. I want to tell her that she has done nothing wrong because, in truth she hasn't actually done anything wrong. She was hit by temptation but she resisted it, that is commendable. I am just unclear of what to say after that, this situation has thrown me, I did not imagine something like this would happen.

"I was right all along, I am a terrible person." I hear her mutter.

"No!" I look up at her sternly, "You are not. If you had have kissed him then yes, perhaps you should feel guilt and like you are terrible but you did not. You and Shinji clearly have some feelings for each other and it is not easy to cast them aside, yet you both did not act on those feelings. You both made the right decision."

She stops to think about my words, I watch as she frowns clearly dealing with some sort of inner conflict. I continue to speak, "You and my brother both need to confront those feelings you have for each other. You need to come up with a solution which is best for the two of you and also for Kaworu. You need to think about what you want. You are in love with and have no desire to leave Kaworu, that is correct?"

She nods, "I wouldn't... I couldn't... I love him. I don't care how I feel about Shinji, I would never betray Kaworu like that."

I nod, "Good. I do not think Shinji would want you to betray Kaworu either. He has his feelings for you but he would not want to hurt another to act on those feelings."

"I know." Asuka nods before letting out a laugh, "It's funny but... coming here my fear was about Shinji and Kaworu and their feelings for each other. I didn't think... something like this could happen. I thought... I don't know what I thought... Maybe it was a mistake coming here, it's too... complicated."

"I do not think so." I answer her, "I think the situation is not quite as complicated as you maybe think it to be. The fact is you and Kaworu are in a relationship, Shinji has unresolved feelings for the two of you and you two have unresolved feelings for him, there are solutions.

She nods as I wonder if maybe I've said too much. I don't want to push them too much in this idea, me and Kodama agreed, it would only be Kaworu who we would nudge but after tonight's news I can't stay completely silent. I have to do what I can.

"I know..." She begins to answer, "I just... don't want to hurt Shinji any more than he has been. I know my only answer is to tell him that we should only be friends, we need to put the past behind us but... I know it'll hurt him."

It takes all of my being to not reach other, flick her on the forehead and call her an idiot. There is another solution Asuka! I cannot say anymore though, I don't want to influence this too much so instead I nod, "Perhaps... I feel like heartbreak can be avoided though."

"Maybe..." She nods before letting out a yawn and smiling, "I.... Thank you Rei. I think I... know what to do now."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Asuka Langley Soryu

I nod my head at the drive to confirm I'm ready and the car begins to pull away from the hotel slowly. I feel the familiar tingling of butterflies in my stomach as we round the first corner and begin the journey. The seat next to me is unusually empty, Kaworu isn't going to be joining me on this journey. Instead he'll be meeting up with Shinji and his friends to get to know them some more.

It feels strange, Kaworu not being here, I'm so used to his presence. I'm so used to turning myself and seeing his face there, either deep in thought, worrying about something or just smiling at me like there is nothing wrong in the world. I'm so used to seeing the look in his eyes that tells me he loves me, and I'm so used to reaching out and holding his hand. It feels wrong him not being here.

Also, quite strange is the lack of security following me today. I suppose they don't expect anything from me so I only have a small detail nearby. Kaworu on the other hand will have more people following him. It's actually something of a miracle we were able to do this today, I don't think they wanted us to have any days where we weren't together. I suppose I have Misato to thank for this being allowed.

I didn't want to do this with him there though. It isn't something that concerns him, its something I have to do on my own. I'm on my way to meet Hikari, the girl who was my best friend for those brief few months I spent in Japan the first go around.

As the butterflies in my stomach indicate I'm feeling anxious about it. This will be the first time I've seen her properly since those days. Sure, I saw her on my birthday but that was hardly a proper meeting. It wasn't arranged, we didn't get the chance to talk properly and it was in a very public place. This is an opportunity for us to catch up properly, for us to sit down and talk and for me to... apologize, I guess.

God, how I hate that word. How I hate having to apologize to people. I hate it because all it does is bring up the memories of that person I used to be. It forces me to repeat those scenes in my head, the yelling, the shouting, the taunting and the nastiness. It also forces my mind to revert for a moment, to yell at me and tell me how weak and pathetic I am for going against what I promised I would be.

Apologize? What for, she should have been honored to be associated with someone like you. Someone as beautiful and talented. They all should have been. What do you have to apologize for?

I try to talk myself through those thoughts. I know what I have to apologize for and why I have to do it. I know why my behaviour was wrong and I know the cause of it. I know why my mind is going to this, I know why that defense mechanism is in play. I know who I am, I know what I was and I know who I could be.

Problem is, I don't really know who Hikari is now. Sure, I saw her the other day but it didn't give me a good idea of anything. I honestly don't know how today is going to go. When I left Japan, I wasn't in a good place. When I left Japan, I did it without telling anything, not even her. In fact, in the months leading up to me leaving I don't think I spoke to her more than a handful of times, even then I don't think I was especially pleasant to her.

I would mostly avoid her and the others where I was able to. I couldn't avoid Rei and Shinji of course but it was easy to avoid Hikari and Shinji's friends. I could just hide in my room when they came over or I could pretend I wasn't feeling well so I didn't have to go out. I think I spoke to her a handful of times, and gave very little in the way of conversation.

It's not like I was very good before Third Impact either. I took her friendship entirely for granted. Used her for my own gain, to allow myself to be noticed. That's all people were to me, accessories so that I could be noticed and praised. Deep down... I wanted to tell people what they meant to me, I wanted to let them know I needed them but I never could tell them... I don't think I could now either.

I can remember other things as well. I can remember the week or so I stayed at her place. I had run away from Misato's after seeing my sync rate drop rapidly, after I had been beaten numerous times, after my mind had been violated by that Angel and I had had one too many arguments with Shinji. I remember doing nothing but sitting in front of a television screen, absent mindedly playing her games consoles all day. I said little, I did little, I barely even ate.

I remember one night breaking down in front of her, sobbing my heart out and then the next day I left. That's something I'm good at, leaving. I'm good at running away, from people and from myself.

I suppose I'm lucky, very lucky.

I've been given a big second chance, one more chance than I think I deserve. It's been so difficult for me to shake off the image of who I was. I always hear the things I said, I always remember the thoughts I had and I always see the way I acted and it just leaves this awful taste in my mouth.

I hear the driver call to me that we'll be arriving at the café in just five minutes. My thoughts shift quickly from my upcoming meeting with Hikari to what happened between me and Shinji last night. I had a restless night's sleep, worried that if I were to fall asleep, I'd probably end up dreaming about it. I felt this knot in my stomach all morning when speaking to Kaworu. I was on the verge of telling him numerous times.

I don't really know what I would say to him just yet though. I don't want to hurt him over something that didn't actually happen. I also don't think it'd be too fair on Shinji to tell Kaworu without him knowing or having a say in it too.

I knew that this trip would not go without some complications. I knew that it would be strange for all three of us but I was hoping the strangeness would just rear its head in the form of awkward silences, perhaps the odd comment or minor argument. I didn't expect to nearly kiss Shinji.

For the remaining for minutes of the journey I remain lost in thought. I go over the conversation with Shinji. I go over what happened when I last saw Hikari. I think about what I might say to her today. Do I apologize for who I was? For what I was? I wonder if Hikari even knows a thing about my past? Do I explain it all to her?

I guess I'll have to. I guess it's time for Asuka the writer to tell her story.

I feel the car slow down and eventually come to a stop, as it does the knot in my stomach tightens. God, I hate feeling nervous like this. I feel just like I did before I used to launch in Unit 02. I hated that feeling then and I hate it now. At least I don't have to contend with being launched upwards at a ridiculous speed anymore. At least when I get out of this car it'll be a friend I see and not a hideous abomination hellbent on destroying everything I know.

Still I can hear that voice in my mind trying to drag me down for feeling nervous, just as it did back then. Telling me how weak I am for feeling this way. How I had no reason to be nervous, how I shouldn't be nervous.

"We're here." I hear the driver announce to me through the gap. I thank him and reach forward slipping him a few notes from my purse. He looks at me, somewhat surprised and confused by my attempt to tip him.

"Take it." I tell him and look to see a photo on his dashboard of him and a family, "Treat your kid."

He takes the money and thanks me and I finally get out of the car. No turning back now. I'm barely out of the car before I hear the voice calling me.

"ASUKA!"

My head turns towards the source of the sound and I see Hikari stood outside of the café grinning at me. I shoot her a smile back and adjust my skirt before calling back, "Hikari!"

I make my way towards her and she immediately pulls me into a hug. I hug her back and she releases me and takes a look at the car I just arrived in, "Wow, you travel in style, don't you?"

"Well you know... I guess when you're as important as I am you have to travel like this. I mean, not only am I one of the saviours of mankind but I'm also a highly regarded author." I grin and boast back at her. I cringe inwardly at my own words as they leave my mouth, so much for the new humble Asuka. I just hope she knows I'm not being totally serious when I boast.

"A... published author? You?" She blinks at me in surprise.

I nod, "Yes! What are you surprised at?"

"Nothing I just... didn't expect that from you! Wow, we have so much to talk about it seems." She answers and I follow her into the café. We take a moment to look around for a suitable seat before picking one near to the window.

The knot in my stomach tightens as the reality of the situation fully sets in. I'm now set opposite one of my best friends, one of... my only friends after so many years of not seeing her. A friend... it's still a bit of a foreign word and concept to me. Hikari was really the first friend I ever had.

I had a very lonely childhood, that was of my own making. The younger Asuka Langley Soryu didn't need friends. She would push people away, at first it would be a gentle attempt to do so. A no thank you would generally suffice followed by turning away. Sometimes it would be a bit more forceful, calling the other person stupid, making them cry... the usual.

I didn't need friends. I didn't need a childhood. I didn't want to be seen or treated like a kid. All I needed was myself and I didn't want to deal with all that petty stuff.

This changed when I got to Tokyo-3, suddenly I had friends and I found it hard to push them away. Of course, me being me, I had to twist it. I didn't have friends because I wanted them, I didn't have friends because deep down I was fucking lonely. No... I had friends because it was convenient to do so. I had friends because I could use them to put the attention on me.

"How are you? It's been... a long time, last time we saw each other it was..." Hikari suddenly tails off as she likely remembers the last time we saw one another and probably after seeing the discomfort on my face, "...sorry."

"Was that the time I told you and the others to go away whilst in a fit of rage?" I ask her calmly, "Or do you mean the time before that, when I ran away from your fathers in Tokyo-3?"

She lowers her eyes to the table, "Sorry I... You probably want to put all of that behind you, don't you?"

"No, don't be sorry." I shake my head, "You're right. I do want to put it all behind me but... Over the last few years that's all I've been doing. Trying to put things behind me and all it's done is made things worth. I had to talk about it and I have to apologize. Just so you know... I do hate apologizing."

She smirks, "Well... I never once heard you do such a thing in the months I went to school with you."

I shrug and give a half smile back at her, "Well... I never had anything to apologize for, did I? It was always Shinji's fault, or whoever was the target of my ire deserved it, or... you know how it is. You know what I was. You even tried to call me out on it a few times but you never got through."

The smile fades from my face as the guilt of my past comes to the surface again. I've been over those moments far too many times. I've tried to justify my actions but the truth is, as I and Hikari know, there is no excuse.

I look over at Hikari who seems a little bit taken aback by my words. I don't think she was quite expecting me to respond in such a way. I don't think she realized that I have and am trying to make an effort to change. She reaches out and grabs my hand, "It's okay Asuka."

"I can't justify a single part of it Hikari... and believe me I have tried." I shrug again, "I'm sorry for it... I truly am, I was a... an incredibly fucked up person back then. I wasn't just a silly foreign girl who had issues adjusting to a new mysterious country. I wasn't just some girl with a superiority complex, I was... fucked up. I was a scared little girl who hid her fear behind anger and a lot of pride."

"Asuka..." Hikari's voice is barely above a whisper as her hand tightens around my own, "You could have spoken to me at any time."

"I know." I nod, "I know that, and I could have spoken to a number of people. Misato... Shinji... Therapists... but I couldn't do that. You have to understand that from a young age I turned my back on other people. I stopped relying on anyone but myself. I saw relying on other people as making me weak. So, I couldn't confide or be helped by anyone be it family, friends or professional."

I take a deep breath and ready myself for the next part of the discussion. Talking to her about mama and the various things I witnessed. Talking to her about my childhood. It's fine, I've done this before with Rei and Kaworu... I can do it again.

I have to wonder what she knows already, does she know anything? She shifts uncomfortably in her seat for a moment before looking me in the eyes, "Is it... related to your mother?"

I nod my head, "Yes, how did you know?"

"It was a guess... I suppose I kind figured something was up when you stayed at my place. You called for her in your sleep, every night you were there." She answers me and I feel myself cringe at how I must have seemed back then, "I kinda guessed but I couldn't find the nerve to mention it. I meant to bring it up later but again...I was scared to do so. When I heard that I thought that must be it though, you weren't alone Asuka. All of us... we all lost our mothers when we were young."

"When did you lose yours?" I ask her.

"When I was very young." She begins to answer, "Dad said it was an accident at the lab. A freak fire broke out and she was killed in it. It was probably far too much information for a child but we were told the body was scarred beyond recognition. I later found out that was a lie, the body that he saw... that we buried wasn't hers. It was someone else killed in a fire... she was..."

"Kills and absorbed into a spare core... in case you were needed?" I finish her sentence for her and frown as I watch her nod silently. Maybe it should have dawned on me earlier but I'm only just realizing now how dark my classes situation was. An entire classroom full of kids whose mothers had been taken away from them.

If there was ever proof needed of how evil SEELE was this is it. Mothers taken from children to be used as spare parts for those monsters we piloted. It's almost too much to comprehend.

"I didn't even know I was a candidate whilst I was in school. I was only told after Third Impact when they started to reveal some of the truth of it all." She speaks, "I just... our entire class... we all knew we had that in common but because of how horriffic Second Impact was and the state of the world I guess we never connected the dots."

"I had no idea... I guess I never asked." I reply, "I assumed most people had both parents... I didn't know it was everyone."

"Part of the reason I'm the way I am... the way I was... being the class rep, the honour student and all that stuff is because of losing her. My dad tried to raise us as best he could but he had to work all of the time to support three growing girls." Hikari begins to explain, "Kodama was the oldest of us, I guess it should have been her but she just couldn't get the hang of it and Nozomi was too young, we tried to shield her from any pain. It fell to me to be the one to do it. I was the one who cooked, cleaned and had the responsibility. I was the one who became the mother and it affected me."

"It must have been tough."

"Sometimes on an evening I'd look at myself in the mirror, see how serious I was... how uptight I was, think about how bossy I could be and all this responsible and want to break down crying but I couldn't. I had to be strong for those two and for father. Inside though... I just wanted to scream and tell it and everyone to fuck off!"

"Hikari!" my eyes widen in surprise at hearing her choice of words.

"I was the mother at home, the class rep in school, the straight A student. I hated it at times, I was friendless and had no outlets. I was sure most people hated me as well. One day you came into my life and you were... my first real friend. You didn't care who I was, you just saw beyond it."

I wish I could feel something good about her words but the truth is that the reason I became friends with her back then is because I saw her status. It was just the old Asuka trying to get herself noticed and latching on for her own gain.

Hikari smiles at me, "I know what you're thinking and don't worry... maybe you did use me at first but... is that really the truth of it? Is that really what you saw our friendship as?"

I take a few moments and shake my head, "No... I guess it isn't. I... had no idea you were going through all that as well. I... Shinji as well and I suppose all the others. We're all victims."

"What about you? What happened?"

"Well..." I prepare myself to tell her about my mother, "You're right... for me it started with my mother. I was barely four years old when it happened. She was working on some big project... and there was an accidently. Same as your mother... same as Shinjis and I suppose the same as the others. Only with mine... they found a body and my mother didn't die... not for a while anyway..."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Kaworu Nagisa

I lean on the barrier and watch the people on the frozen rink ahead of me for a few moments. I see the various groups of people skating around, most of them enjoying themselves. I see young children pushing large animal shaped objects for support, parents close behind them. I see couples in love holding hands and smiling at each other. I see a few people spinning in place and trying their hand at various tricks and I see others who are just content to skate around in circles and enjoy their time here.

A big part of me wants to try it out for myself but there is an equally big part of me that is terrified of the prospect. Outside of basic pilot training for the Eva I was never made to do or even allowed to do any sort of physical activity. I never played any sports, I never swam, I never ran... I didn't do... well anything really. My angelic body back then kept my form in good physical condition, I was an entity that didn't really need to ingest food or exercise for my wellbeing so never required exercise.

Now I have more to contend with, I have to be concerned with what I eat and drink, I do some slight exercise, I do tire and I can be hurt. I can see the scene now, I step onto the ice and five minutes later I'm carried off of it, my arm in a sling.

Still... despite the risk and worry, I really want to try it. Perhaps at a later time I can bring Asuka or maybe... if things do manage to work themselves out, I can bring Asuka and Shinji. Yes! I think that is what I will do, I will figure this out and bring the two of them.

"Nagisa."

A soft voice snaps me away from my thoughts of the three of us holding each other's hands and skating around the ice. I turn to see Rei stood behind me, her red eyes locked onto mine. I smile at her, "Rei, thank you so much for coming."

"It is no problem." She answers me before making her way to the barrier, "I had assumed you would probably have questions or things you wanted to say to me after our discussion yesterday, so I made sure to keep my schedule free."

"Thank you, I... really appreciate that." I nod back at her and take a look at the crowds of people around us. This probably isn't the best place for a discussion of this nature, "Should we go elsewhere? I saw a café as I came in. I will buy us some tea?"

She nods, "That would be nice, thank you."

We turn and make our way back through the crowds and towards the small café. I realized that if I was going to be serious about this thing between myself, Asuka and Shinji I should probably speak to Rei some more regarding the subject. I didn't want to rush into anything but I also realized I am on something of a tight timeline, me and Asuka will not be in Japan forever and then I might have missed my chance, we all might have... missed our chance.

We arrive at the café and go inside, I order us a small pot of tea and we take up a seat in one of the quiet corners of the room. Rei starts to pour herself some tea from the pot and looks at me, "You have not spoken to Asuka regarding our discussion last night yet, have you?"

I shake my head, "No... Not yet. That's... what I wanted to speak to you about really. I've been thinking a lot about what you told me. Thinking about how I feel for the two of them and how they might feel for me and each other."

"Good." She nods, "Despite my feelings towards it, it would not be wise for you to have rushed into anything. What conclusions have you come to?"

"You're right... I love the both of them and I think it is also true that they have feelings for each other and for me as well. I still have some reservations though, I guess... I do not see myself as fit for the both of them. I guess I feel that perhaps the two of them would be better off without me."

"I am sure given who the two of them are, they will also, quite irritatingly, share those feelings as well. I am sure Asuka probably feels you and Shinji would be better off together and I am certain Shinji feels you and Asuka and better off together."

"I... That is true." I shrug and give an embarrassed smile, "In that respect we are all the same and, in that way, we are all made for one another."

"I feel that is obvious to everyone except for yourselves." She smiles at me, "You only need to look at the three of you together for a few minutes to see how right it looks."

I feel my heart flutter a little bit at her words, "Do you really think so?"

She nods her head again, "Yes, although I do appreciate that it is probably not a normal thing people would consider."

"I know... that's what I'm struggling with. I... feel it's right but I don't really know what to do. I love Asuka so much and I don't want to do anything that might risk damaging what we have. I couldn't live with myself if I upset her." I answer, "But I know for certain how she feels regarding Shinji and I know how I feel about Shinji. We both love him and he... if you say he loves us then I believe that to be true. I just don't know how to progress... humans are... they are complicated."

"You are human, you are a part of that complexity."

"I wasn't always human... and neither were you Rei. The two of us have memories and thoughts that don't belong to us, that belong to beings long since left this reality. Beings for whom love has no boundaries because of what they were to become." I shake my head, "We also bear the burden of those who raised us and what we were."

"True, but you are human now and you are among humans. If you can deal with this situation then so can they, regardless of your origins." She sips from her tea, "I admit, I am unsure myself how to approach such a thing. I am aware that Asuka and Shinji are unlike us, they have not seen love in the same way, they have seen it weighted down by the society they were brought up in. Yet, I have faith that they can see past that societal baggage and see that love is... love."

I sip from my own tea, "Do you think it is something you and Kodama could ever entertain?"

Rei nods and sets her cup down, "Perhaps, if the right person came along that we both fell in love with then I believe we could make it work."

"I see..."

"Besides..." Rei continues, "It was Kodama who first thought to suggest I speak to you about it. So, I already know she is not against such concepts."

"Kodama... suggested you speak to me?" I look at her in some mild shock, I thought this idea had come solely from Rei. I did not think for a second that Kodama was, in a way, behind it.

"Yes, I was... concerned about Shinji after he discovered you and Asuka were an item. I was also concerned for the pair of you when you met Shinji again. I knew about the unresolved feelings you all had for one another." She begins to explain, "I expressed these worries to Kodama, and it was her who suggested to speak to you about the situation."

I smile, "She is... still trying to help me. Tell her thank you."

"She cares a lot about you." Rei answers, "She helped me come to terms with my feelings regarding you as well. She made me see that you and I... are not so different, even if at one point we were technically on opposite sides."

I shake my head, "We weren't on opposite sides by choice... we were used Rei."

"I know... and that is why I want to help you as well. You are my friend and so are they, you deserve happiness." She takes another sip.

"I'm just worried about getting it wrong, what if I suggest it at the wrong moment and it causes problems for me and Asuka. What if it causes them to drift further apart, the last thing I want to do is ruin their friendship and the last thing I want to do is ruin what me and Asuka have."

"Nor would you want to risk Asuka realizing she loves Shinji more and running off with him." She offers up another, heartbreaking, scenario, "It is a valid possibility and maybe you are right... acting on this could cause pain for one or all three of you. Perhaps your relationship with Asuka or the friendships you have. Yet... you were friends with Asuka before you entered a relationship with her, were you not?"

"True..."

"And there was a risk of that friendship being ruined was there not?"

"That is also true but that wasn't as if it happened because I asked... it just sort of... happened."

"in which case perhaps, this will also 'just happen'. When the right moment presents itself then I feel It will happen. As for the risk, love is always a risk but it is worth it, is it not?"

 

[jcmoorehead]

Asuka Langley Soryu

I can see the discomfort in Hikari's eyes as she looks around after my little revelation. It's been just under a minute, she hasn't said anything and I haven't added anything else yet. She won't know anything else that happened but I imagine she already knows none of it will be good.

She's probably thinking about what she could say to that. After all what do you say to someone in this situation? What do you say to someone who has just told you their mother died tragically and is about to tell you more, tell you about how it affected them deeply and fucked up their life?

'I'm so sorry to hear that Asuka'

Such a cliché. Said to me so many times and one I've said myself to people on occasion. Everyone says it because we can't say anything else. What else can we do but throw out a cliché? At least it shows they care, at least it shows there is support there. Sometimes the best way is to use a cliché, thank you Fish for that one.

"I'm sorry." She finally says after some time, "You... You know if you don't want to talk about this... we don't have to."

"I know." I nod, "But... I do want to talk about it. I need to talk about it, so I can set things straight between us and maybe help you understand who I am and why I'm the way I am."

"Asuka... you don't need to explain anything. I'm your friend and I always will be." She answers and gives me a little smile.

"I know." I say it again and nod again along with it, "I know, but talking is supposed to be good for you right? I... want to do this."

"Okay, just know that... if you want to stop and talk about anything else... we can." Hikari squeezes my hand as she says it. It's funny, once upon a time I'd have gotten offended by someone trying to do that. It'd have sent me into a rage, demanding that people don't touch me and telling them I don't need their support or pity. It'd have made me look 'weak', now... I like it. It feels comforting.

"I'll start at the beginning... my mother was one of the leads for the Evangelion project. Specifically, Evangelion Unit 02. It was her job to work with the others around the world and help develop what'd become the standard for the Evangelion series." I begin to explain to her, "She wasn't supposed to tell anyone but she told me all about it, as much as a kid could understand anyway. She told me that 'Mama was working on something that'd save the world' and one day I'd help her do it."

"Asuka..."

"One day something changed, she didn't come home in a good mood, she was... shaken up. I was too young to understand it all but I know now it was because she had just found out about Shinji's mother. Shinji's mother had done the first contact experiment with Evangelion Unit 01 and they lost her."

"Did she know Shinji's mother?"

I nod, "They studied together apparently and were good friends. They worked pretty close with one another. It's weird... Had things not went the way they had done me and Shinji could have been childhood friends."

"When did you find out about that?"

"Only in the last year or so and I doubt Shinji knows about any of it. I had to... ask and poke about a bit and I don't see him doing that. Although... maybe Rei has told him." I answer her, "Anyway... after that she spent more time working and less time at home with me and Papa. I think what happened to Shinji's mom scared her, and she wanted to avoid it or... she knew she was in danger."

I feel that ache at the back of my throat that signifies the closeness of tear and I try to swallow it away. I'm not going to cry in public damnit, I can cry later. Just... get this out for now Asuka. Hikari squeezes my hand again in support.

"I can't be certain but I think Shinji's mother knew in advance what was going to happen but she made peace with that... she was willing to carry that burden but I don't know if she wanted others to." I continue to speak, "I remember my parents arguing one night, my father screaming at her about her obsession and my mother only repeating that she had to solve Yui's problem. It was... my last memory of them together."

"She couldn't refuse to do the contact experiment could she?"

I shake my head, "No, no choice at all. I imagine if she refused or tried to run then the consequences would have been worth. So it was either figure out how to not recreate what happened to Yui or face worse consequences. My mother... she didn't want to die, but she didn't want anything to happen to her family either. So... she ended up doing the experiment..."

I trail off as the memories of those days come rushing back to me. I was so very young and the memories now are fragmented but vivid. I can remember being alone in a room, playing with some toys out of a box. I can remember the sound of alarms and being scared when I heard the shouts and screams from outside. I remember crying when I heard them.

I can remember when the people came to take me, their hushed voices as they spoke amongst themselves and shot me worried glances. All I could do was stand there on my own, cry and ask about mama.

I can remember my father, such as he was, taking me by the hand and leading me away. He told me there had been an accident and mama had been hurt. He lied to me that she would be alright and a moment later I saw him joking with one of the nurses and feeling her up. By that point my parents had broken up, my mother's obsession with fixing Yui's problem had torn a hole in their relationship.

I remember throwing up in the corridor and being taken away and cleaned up by one of the other nurses. A nice woman with glasses called Nurse Makinami. I always remembered her kindness and wish I could see her again. My writing name is a tribute to her, I don't know if her first name was Mari but it seemed to fit.

"What happened?" Hikari asks me, her voice quivering. She seems to be having as tough a time holding back the tears as me.

"Mama was... damaged. Incapable of recognizing me... my father or any of her co-workers. At first the doctors were optimistic that it was just a temporary thing. A sort of amnesia brought on by the shock of the experiment. They didn't know the truth though... they were just regular doctors in a normal hospital and this was far from a normal situation."

"What... was the truth?"

"Mama..." I bite my bottom lip briefly to try to stem the tears, I look around the room for a moment until I can find a way to speak, "...had been torn in two. The part of her that I knew, that I loved and that loved me... that recognized me was lost to the Eva forever and all that had been left behind was a shell. An empty husk that hated me... that did nothing but speak to a ragdoll and warn it about me..."

"Oh Asuka..."

"Mama had tried to solve Yui's problem by introducing a new stage to the contact experiment, she wanted to create a copy of a person's mind and implant that instead. Similar to the dummy plugs that were used later on but there was one flaw." I explain, "The Eva's didn't need a mind directing them... they needed a soul, a real... human soul."

Hikari's hand tightens around mine, "Asuka..."

"Mama... the shell that was left behind it... took its own life. I guess... I guess... I don't know... I was... I discovered the body."

Hikari lets a tear fall down her cheek and I feel myself blink several times to keep my own at bay. I choke out my words, "From that day on I... relinquished any sort of childhood I could have had. I decided I wasn't going to be a child anymore, I wasn't going to accept anyone's help or support. All I needed was myself and I was going to be better than anyone else."

"Asuka..." Hikari shakes her head and squeezes my hand.

"I was a goddamn four-year-old child Hikari." I hear the growl in my voice, "No one... not one person tried to stop me. My father he... made a half-arsed attempt but by that point he had shcked up with another family, had a step son that he didn't need to deal with in the same way he would me. So I was handed off to Gehirn. The commanders and people there were all too happy to have this item delivered into their possession."

"They just... took you in?"

I nod, "Of course they did, I was a perfect candidate to become a soldier. They could use my grief and my determination and mold me into the idea pilot and soldier. As long as I got praise from them, I was obedient. They stroked my ego, fed the flames and I excelled in everything I did. My attitude problem notwithstanding because in the long run they had what they wanted. An asset, a perfect little soldier that was ultimately expendable."

"You had no other family?"

"I did." I answer her, "But either they didn't care enough to reach out to me or Gehirn saw to it they weren't able to. I never realized it until I was older and looked back but all I was at that age was a frightened little girl, desperate to be held and lashing out in grief. No adult should have taken me seriously but my father ran and Gehirn manipulated me. They took advantage of me..."

"I... had no idea." She shakes her head, "I'm so sorry Asuka..."

"It isn't your fault and... I can't blame them entirely." I reassure her, "Maybe at some point when I was growing up, I should have saw what I was and what I was becoming. I should maybe have saw the damage I was doing to myself and reached out but I never did."

"Was there anyone you could have reached out to?"

I shrug, "I don't know... I guess I opened up a bit to Misato and Kaji but not as much as I should have done. With Misato you... well you know what she was like, I don't think she knew what to do or say. With Kaji he's... well he was a bit of a typical man and I only opened up to him because I thought it'd make him feel sorry for me and let us grow closer... silly childhood crushes."

Hikari takes a few moments to regain her composure. I have, through some miracle, managed to keep my tears at bay. The knot in my stomach is tightening though and I'm sure I would be crying, were I not in public.

"Have you told anyone else about all of this?"

"Yes." I answer her, "Kaworu and Rei know everything. Shinji knows... bits and pieces. I've obviously never sat down with him and told him it all properly. Given that idiots past I don't know if I ever could."

For a moment my mind flashes back to the 'near kiss' from last night. I wonder if it would actually be possible now to even speak to him after that, never mind unload all of this. I thought that, after speaking to Rei, I might have more of an idea of what to do but everything is so complicated because of it.

I wonder if maybe I should mention It to Hikari but as I look at the girl crying and trying to regain some composure, I realize it isn't wise. I've just unloaded so much baggage onto her I can't add anymore. This is supposed to be two friends reuniting after years apart. We should be laughing and making fun of our boyfriends.

No, I'll have to figure this one out on my own. I had an idea of what I should do but now I'm doubting myself.

"Sorry." I finally say after some time, "I didn't mean to bring you down or anything."

"No... It's fine." Hikari shakes her head, "You haven't I just... wish I had known at the time. I would have... tried to help."

"I wouldn't have let you Hikari." I answer her plainly, "I had to want the help, I had to be ready to accept help and back then I wasn't ready or willing. I'd have just pushed you away like I did to everyone else. Besides... you told me yourself, you had your sisters to deal with and school...it wouldn't have been fair."

"I understand but now... if you need anything, I am here, please... know that."

"I know..." I nod, "And thank you."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Now onto chapter 26, the *planned* second last chapter of the story. Aptly titled full circle. First up, is Shinji

Shinji Ikari

I bring the bow across the strings with my right hand, care to not add too much pressure as the notes ring out. At the same time, I bring my left hand up towards the top end of the cellos neck. I quickly move the fingers on my left hand into the correct position and press down. I bring the bow back and let the chord ring out again for a few seconds before quickly shifting to the next chord and then returning to the first.

Behind the sounds of my own cello I can hear the sound of the click track playing loudly in my ear to help me keep time with the rest of the group. Behind that I can actually hear the rest of my group, the live band and the singer. I try to make sure I don't focus too much on what others are playing or the words of the singer and instead focus on working through this chord sequence. It's one of the ones I struggled with in practice but I'm nearly through without any mistakes.

A few chord changes later and I finally arrive at the end of the sequence and to the end of the song itself. This also marks the end of the first half of the concert. Only another hour of playing left followed by the encore and I'm through this. I can feel the sweat on my forehead and the pounding in my chest as I take a moment to look up and over the audience who has risen to their feet and is giving everyone on stage a standing ovation.

I take this time to locate the row with all my loved ones, it doesn't take me long to do so, the trio of Asuka, Rei and Kaworu standing out among the more reserved hair colours of the rest of the audience. I turn quickly to see the others in my group, they're also looking out over the audience trying to locate their loved ones. Most of them with a mixture of happiness and relief on their faces.

My eyes return to my loved ones, they've all located me and I feel my cheeks glow red in response to their gazes. Misato is shooting me a big grin and cheering loudly, if she is this loud at the break then how loud will she be at the end of the show? Touji gives me a big thumbs up and yells something, this earns him an elbow in the stomach from Hikari. Rei smiles at me as she continues to clap politely. Next to her is Asuka and Kaworu, Asuka gives me an encouraging nod and Kaworu smiles warmly as the two of them applaud.

I feel a strange flutter in my stomach at catching their gaze but have little time to think about it as we receive the cue to leave the stage. I make sure my cello is placed correctly on the stand and slot my bow into a holder next to it before turning to leave.

It's been a few days since I've had the chance to see Asuka and Kaworu, something I regret but I've been busy with practicing and in my free time I suppose I... I've been avoiding them. What happened with Asuka the other day is fresh in my memory and I'm unable to shift this strange feeling of regret. Regret at it nearly happening and regret at it... not actually happening.

I wanted to kiss her... and I know that makes me a bad person because I know what would have happened and what pain would have been caused if I had done it. Yet... I still regret not kissing her because then maybe... she would have been mine. Maybe I would have fulfilled that desire I had for so many years.

If that sounds bad then... I suppose that is because it is and I kick myself for thinking it. I love her and I want to be with her but not that way. Not at the expense of another person, not if it involves hurting another person. I've been hurt so much in my own life because of another person's selfishness that I don't want to do that.

It is just the case I suppose that me and Asuka aren't supposed to be. I am... fine with this. I'm not especially happy but in time I will move forward. I am, if anything thankful for her friendship and I will always love her and support her. The same with Kaworu. Maybe it is better this way, I love them both and... I cannot be with them both.

I will move forward, I have been stalling for so many years because I've been scared to do so. I've been stalling because I feel so much guilt over who I was and who I think I am but I need to start to move past that. These past few months have been the start of a turning point for me and I don't want to move backwards. I want to live my life, I want to be happy for my friends and I want them to be happy for me.

I have not told MIsato this yet, nor have I told anyone else but my group and the band on stage have been offered a recording contract. They want us to record the songs from tonight's concert for an album and they also want us to write some original pieces with a look forwards a television performance.

The idea of it terrifies me. For so long I've been scared to be out in public because I feared people knew who I was. I couldn't walk down a street with two people on it because I thought they might recognize me. Tonight, I'm performing in front of a crowd of two thousand people and if this television performance happens it'll be millions.

I will be fine though. I know I will I just have to keep moving forward.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Misato Katsuragi

I am so proud of him.

I am so very proud of him.

That is all I've thought for the past hour as I've watched that young man on that stage and play those songs. Pride fills every part of me to see what he has become, to think about all the obstacles he has overcome in his life to get to this point. I only hope he knows how proud I am of him.

I just question if I really deserve to feel any pride at all, maybe I should be feeling shame because of how I've been and how little I've done to actually help him. I met Shinji five years ago and for those first few months that I knew him, when I took him into my home, I treated him like crap. If he wasn't doing every chore around the apartment and cleaning up after me, I was putting him into life or death situations.

If Shinji had walked away from me after Third Impact I wouldn't have blamed him. He could very easily have gone to live with another family, who would have been able to be proper parents to him. A family that could have supported him properly and let him enjoy some of his teenage years. I wouldn't have stopped him, after all he deserved better than me.

I was never really an 'active' guardian to Shinji, nor Asuka for that matter. I took in Shinji because on the day I met him I felt sorry for him, I saw his issues with his father and saw a kindred spirit. I didn't have a clue how to handle a child, I could barely handle myself. I could never even figure out what I was supposed to be for him, a mother? A sister? A commanding officer?

Same with Asuka. I took her in by default, just because she had nowhere else and I felt sorry for her. It isn't like I actually did anything to help her out though. I sent them to school, I sent them to NERV and I sent them to fight. That was the extent of my participation. Most of the time I'd just let them get on with things. I always thought that was why he and Rei decided to live with me after Third Impact. The two of them knew what to expect, they could live how they wanted and be comfortable. The only thing they had to deal with was me.

Who was I exactly? A disgraced military captain from a disgraced government agency. I was a drunkard that was driven forwards by some immature revenge fantasy. I was an immature woman who couldn't handle responsibility nor get a grip on her own life. I was a warmonger... who sent children out to die to avenge my father's death.

I was all of the above and I was also the closest thing any of them had to a mother. How horrible were their lives if the closest thing they ever had to a parent was a wreck like me?

Shinji and Rei made their decision many years ago to remain with me, Asuka made that decision as well. It was on that day that I made the decision to change my ways. I would cut down on alcohol and I would be there for all three of them. I would do what I could to support them in what they wanted to do. I would spend time with them, take them away and advise them. I would do what I could to be the mother they deserved.

Making those changes was not easy, it's been tough to alter my behaviour and I know it has been tough for all three of them. Shinji... that kid has been through so much, much more than anyone else should ever have dealt with. He carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, he was at the brink of the very end and he very nearly took us all over the edge.

I can't imagine what it must feel like to have been through that and also to carry the guilt from it. He saved us but he was very close to ending it for everyone, and that must eat away at him. Still, he has to let that go and he deserves this moment and the happiness that comes with it more than anyone I know.

Actually, that's wrong... Asuka and Rei deserve these sorts of moments as well, they both deserve happiness. Rei was... she was quite literally created just to be a tool. She was an accessory for a madman hell bent on reuniting with his dead wife. She had so many years of being treated as less than human, being told she was just for one purpose, she deserves so much more.

Asuka, when I met her, I was surprised at how well kept together she was for someone who had experienced something so horrific at a young age. I saw a lot of myself in her as well. She did confide me me about what had happened to her when I did ask but I guess I... I never really understood how much she was hurting. I never understand her bravado was her asking for help. I saw the parallels with myself but I never thought about what it was I wanted at that age.

Instead people just treated her as a kid with a bit of an attitude problem and I never even tried to look beyond it. Everyone blamed her for the way she was but none of us made the effort to break through to her. No one even tried to hug the poor child. I wish I could go back and do that.

I remember when we were in the hot springs together, she said something about me knowing all about her past and I said I did. I told her to just leave it in the past. I should have hugged her, I should have held her and told her that she could talk to me at any time. Instead I let her down, just like everyone else in her life. It's no wonder she left us to go home.

I look at her now though and I wonder if maybe that was for the best. Maybe that little bit of independence helped her to find herself and become a better person. I wonder what it was she needed back then, maybe it wasn't a mother figure but something more of a mentor or a big sister.

I was really quick to have her move in with me back then, I suppose I was immature and hoping her and Shinji would get along and be a cute couple. I should have maybe pushed for her to live next door or even for Ritsuko to take her in. Maybe that seems strange but I think the two of them might have been good for one another. Both were incredibly smart and gifted people, Ritsuko could be a bit detached but she would have pushed Asuka in the right direction and given praise when needed.

Plus... maybe something like that would have let Ritsuko see she was valuable outside of what Gendo needed her to be.

Asuka does at least seem happy now. Her and Kaworu seem happy together as well, it is an interesting couple. I was so certain that she and Shinji would be together but I'm no expert in love. If they make each other happy then that is all that matters I suppose.

I don't really know too much about Kaworu, his history was erased so we don't have records of him pre-his awakening at the start of the year. I'm not especially comfortable with him being her but I expect many weren't comfortable with me taking in Shinji, Asuka and Rei. If I could be given a chance then so should he.

It must be tough for Shinji though, to see the two of them together. I know how he feels for Asuka and I have an inkling he has similar feelings for Kaworu. I can't imagine that... to see the two people you love together like that. The poor kid... he'll pull through though. Shinji is strong, much stronger than he thinks he is and I am really proud of him.

 

[jcmoorehead]

The remaining sections of this chapter are fairly short, so instead of doing the character by character thing I'm going to group them together

---

Asuka Langley Soryu

My life has changed so much in the last year. I never thought all those months ago, that when I met that strange silver haired guy for the first time that things would have worked out like they did. I can still remember the night I met him for the first time, looking back on it, it's sort of funny. I had bumped into him outside of a store, he had dropped some stuff and it was Rei that told me about him. In fact, Rei didn't just tell me about him, she warned me about him.

Of course, I'm Asuka Langley Soryu and I have issues with taking peoples advice. So naturally I went to return his stuff and find out for myself. I pretty much forced my way into his apartment and I can't explain it, there was just some sort of connection. I saw the way he feared other people and saw myself. I saw how he lived and saw someone I... wanted to help. I guess I also saw an opportunity for a friend, I was lonely and needed a friend.

I invited him out to a concert that night, a Genesis tribute act. I didn't really put much thought into what it meant or could mean. To some it might have looked like a date, looking back I guess it was our first date but I never thought of that at the time. I wasn't interested in dating anyone and I didn't think it was a good idea for anyone to date me anyway. It wasn't like I had a good track record with romance.

The typical date stuff followed though, instead of parting ways after the concert I invited him back to mine. I didn't expect anything to happen, I never wanted anything to happen and neither of us made any moves. We had a few drinks though and he ended up sleeping on my sofa. I still get a good laugh when I remember the following morning, seeing how flustered he got scrambling for his clothes and thinking he had work.

We got to know each other after that, spent more time together. I helped him when he was attacked, looked after him and he cooked me a meal. We played games, went out together and made love. We got back in contact with Shinji eventually and made plans to come to Japan.

Now... So many months later I'm sat next to him in a concert hall in Tokyo-2. We're both applauding as the band and musicans leave the stage after the first half of the show. We're both keeping our eyes on one figure in particular, the man we both love, Shinji Ikari.

Shinji Ikari... Weak... Pathetic... The Favorite... The Daddys Boy... Spineless little Shinji... All things I'm guilty of calling him once upon a time. I cringe so much to think about me saying all of those things because I can hear those moments so vividly in my own head. I hate it because I know just how untrue it was and is and I know how much I must have hurt him by saying those things to him.

He is so far from those things, especially right now. He has been on that stage, playing the cello as part of this concert for thousands of people watching. He is... incredible. He is the furthest thing from weak, he is the furthest thing from cowardly or spineless... and I know he is not the daddy's boy I accused him of being when I didn't know any better.

He is incredible and I can't help but love him.

Next to me is another man I love and means so much to me. I turn to look at him, just as he does the same, he leans in and whispers to me, "I love you Asuka."

"I love you too." I reply and kiss him lightly on his lips. I pull away and feel my cheeks begin to glow red as I see Misato grinning at me. I put my hands on my hips, "What? Never seen a girl kiss her boyfriend before?"

As I sit back down those works stick in my head, my boyfriend, and I have to wonder how much longer that will be true? I have to question it because I can't do anything but do that. Ever since we arrived in Japan, ever since I nearly kissed Shinji, those questions and that insecurity has been eating away at me.

If something like that can happen between Shinji and myself then why couldn't it happen between Kaworu and Shinji as well?

When will Kaworu realize Shinji is a better person than I am?

When will I be left behind and do I only have myself to blame when I am left behind?

Being here... seeing these people again, it's something I like and something I wanted but I'm scared I'll be abandoned again. I'm scared that the things I've dreamed about, those moments where I see Shinji and Kaworu walking away from me and I'm left behind will come to fruition. I'm scared that they will both see the truth about who I am.

I picture the scene so vividly, they are talking to one another. They're getting closer and suddenly one of them reaches up with their hand. They run their hand through the others hair and cup their cheek softly. They look into one another's eyes and then they kiss. They forget about the world around them and when they come to, they realize the truth.

I hate picturing it and I hate the anger that is brought with it. I hate myself for entertaining the idea for even a second because I know damn well it isn't going to happen. No matter how much I imagine or dream it it isn't going to happen because Shinji and Kaworu aren't those sorts of people. Kaworu won't betray me like that and Shinji wouldn't dare try to steal my boyfriend.

It's all my own pathetic insecurities mixed in with my irritating guilt complex that is leading to this.

This thing is cut and dry, me and Kaworu are together and we love one another. We may both harbour feelings for Shinji but that is all they are, feelings and all we can do is support him as a friend. Our life has to go on.

---

Kaworu Nagisa

For the last hour my attention has been completely transfixed on by the musicians on that stage. These many talented musicians have transported me to other worlds, made me run the gamut of emotion, provided an experience beyond compare. I have felt shivers run down my spine, my eyes have watered, the hairs on my arms have stood on edge as these performed have delivered us their takes on this music that I have come to love.

If there is such a thing as a heaven, then I am certain that this must be what it is like. To me, such a thing is the ability to sit and view and appreciate moments such as this in the company of loved ones. To be together, like we all are in this one place to experience this one thing, that must be the closest thing.

My only hope is that the interval passes quickly so they can perform the second half of their show.

What of the musicians? My experience at going to live concerts is limited, but I have watched a great many with Asuka. The musicians are supremely talented. On the left of the stage is the main band, comprising a keyboard player, a bassist, two guitarists, drummer and a singer. They are a powerful force, I in particular find the singer to be quite captivating, she sings with a power and emotion rarely seen. It is also interesting to hear a women's vocals on what are typically male orientated tracks.

On the opposite side of the stage, the section which I find my attention drifting to the most, is the string section. Made up of twelve people in total, with Shinji in the middle row, on the side closest to the bassist.

It has been difficult for me to not pay attention to him throughout the entire concert. After all, looking at Shinji on that stage is like one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid my eyes open. I would not wish to do a disservice to the other performers on stage though, so I have tried to give them all equal attention. They have all worked hard in their own ways, they are all uniquely talented and worthy of attention.

This Shinji I see on stage though, I feel that perhaps this is the closest I have seen to the real Shinji. He is there, baring his soul for all to see. These songs he performs may not be his own but when I watch him, when I see the look of concentration, the way his fingers move on the neck and the way his hands slide up and down gracefully I can see how he injects his own personality into this music. I can see the way the music flows through him, I can see how he feels it, every peak and trough, every chord, every time signature change. He is at one with the music.

Myself and Asuka, we long to be one with him as well. We both love him and this night is only serving to confirm that. It also confirms to me that I must act as soon as possible. I cannot let the opportunity for the three of us to be together slip away. I know what I have to do, and how I am going to do it.

I turn to look at Asuka once more, I have noticed over the course of the show her eyes have rarely left Shinji. A few days ago, that might have filled me with the familiar fear and anxiety but not tonight. I know the feelings we all share for one another and I know there is nothing to fear. I know that we can all be together it is just waiting for the right moment.

After the show... our lives will change. Of that I am certain.