Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

[jcmoorehead]

Two quick updates in one day. I actually had all of this wrote up when I posted earlier hence the lack of time between the two posts

Looking forward to seeing peoples thoughts for this bit

Shinji Ikari

She finishes singing the final note of the song, holding the note for longer than we expected to and then she and all the instruments fall silent on stage. The silence lasts for not even a second but in my mind that second feels like forever. I look up towards the sea of people in front of us all, this faceless crowd of people I don't know and then I look towards the ones I do.

One by one, or perhaps in groups, the audience begins to stand up and applaud. I feel myself grin stupid as it hits me, we... managed to do it. We were actually able to do it, this group of people around me, this group who barely knew each other a few months ago have managed to perform a full concert. Week by week, session by session, we learned all of these songs. Chord by chord and note by note, we pieced it all together, we rehearsed it all and were able to do this.

We all helped each other out, when we saw one person was struggling, we worked with them. We all gave each other encouragement, we all wanted to do this and be the best we could be.

I... a person who was terrified of meeting people, have just performed in front of around two thousand people. I was so sure people would recognize me, would hate me because of what I nearly did many years ago but... Misato and Rei were right. I had nothing to fear.

All the ones I love were here as well to watch it. Touji, Hikari and Kensuke, my first real friends... ever really. Misato, the guardian who became my mother. Rei... my sister and of course Asuka and Kaworu, the friends that I love. Without any of their support I would not have been able to do this.

I need to make sure I thank them all properly after the concert. I wish I could do it now but all I can do is stand here and take in the applause as a voice on the venue PA begins to go through the names of all of us on stage. First, they go through the singer and the backing band, then they introduce all of us in the string section. I feel a strange chill down my spine as my name is read out and I am fairly sure I hear Touji yell something.

Finally, the announcer calls out the name fo the director of our group. He makes his way to the stage through the centre of the two groups and takes a bow before motioning for us all to join him at the front of the stage. We all leave our positions and move carefully to the front and bow with him as the crowd continue to applaud. Once again, I am sure I can hear Touji yelling something, in fact I'm sure I can hear Rei as well!

A few moments later we are given the signal for us to leave the stage. As I leave, I give one more look towards them all before quietly following the person in front of me and going towards the backstage area.

That realization is still flying around my head, 'We did it' and... I want to do this again. I loved doing this, I loved performing for this crowd, I loved being able to get lost in the music. I loved... just playing. This is what I want to do now, this is what I want so much, more than anything. I want to play more, I want to compose, I want to record.

I have to let the director know my decision, that I will be joining them for the recordings, that I want to continue but then... I need to tell the rest of them. I need to tell the ones I love, starting with Asuka and Kaworu.

Asuka Langley Soryu

I was so certain of what I was going to do, I was so sure I could fight through it but now my mind has been made up of what I should do. It is what I have to do.

I first started to have this idea a few days ago, it was just after me and Shinji nearly kissed and before I spoke to Rei. I went around and round with it but I tried to cast it aside. I figured that me and Kaworu are together and we should be, but right now I have to take a different path. It'll be painful but it's the right thing to do.

That isn't to say it hasn't been good and I wish things could be different. I loved each and every moment of the concert tonight. I also thought Bat Out Of Hell as an encore song was a very inspired choice. It's a song that I actually feel like I identify with. In the song the protagonist describes the world they live in as being broken and run down. They talk to the one they love and tell them they're the only pure thing in the whole wide world.

Only the protagonist can't stay, they have to leave that city and forge a new life. They tell the love interesting they're going to leave and so they do, riding away on their motorbike. They travel too fast and don't see a curve in the road, they fly off the road and end up crashing into a pit where they lay dying. All they can do is watch as their heart leaves their body and flies away.

Another parallel with me I suppose, when I fought those bastard Evangelions I never saw that goddamn lance coming, and I ended up dying alone. All I could do was watch before I was torn to shreds.

In some way that character is me. I'm the one seeing the world as broken, or I am broken and Kaworu and Shinji are the pure people that I love. I'm the one who has to leave though, I have to get away. Why? Because all I'll do is cause them pain. I know leaving will hurt them, and I know it'll hurt me too. My heart already hurts so much just thinking about it but I have to do it. I'm not the right person for Kaworu, Shinji is and I'm not the right person for Shinji. Kaworu is.

I'm sure in time they'll both understand. What I'll do is return to Germany tonight, get a flight back and send them both a message. I'll tell Shinji to make sure he takes care of Kaworu and I'll tell Kaworu I love him and I hope he understands. I'll say to them both I understand if neither of them wants to see me ever again. I know I'll be miserable at first but that's nothing a ton of ice cream and video game binging can't solve.

Why am I doing this? Because I can see the two of them from here. They're both talking to one another and laughing and smiling. They're both so happy and I just don't belong here. Maybe Kaworu is happy with me, I know I am with him. I love him so much and I don't think he'll ever understand what he means to me. The thing is, I know in time that'll fade. I know he'll come to realize what I am and what I was and he'll leave me. It's what I deserve and so... I'll leave first.

Goodbye Kaworu. Goodbye Shinji. Good luck to you both. I love you both and so this is the best thing I can do for the two of you.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Kaworu Nagisa

"Come with me."

I quickly move past Shinji, giving him no time at all to reply to my instruction hoping that he will just follow me out of the ballroom. As I walk towards the exit, I once again check the text message from Rei, just to make sure she did say what I thought and expected it to say. I glance over my shoulder and see Shinji is indeed following me, good, I need him for this.

We reach the doors leading out onto the street and almost immediately I see Rei waiting for me. Next to her is a car ready to take me and Shinji to the hotel. She spots me and smiles half-heartedly whilst shrugging her shoulders, "It is exactly as you said it would be Nagisa. Asuka left five minutes ago."

I smile back at her, "Thank you for letting me know. I had a feeling this would happen."

"W-What's going on?" I hear Shinji ask from behind me. We both turn to face him and see a confused look on his face, "Did Asuka leave? Why? Is everything okay?"

I put my hand on his shoulder to try to calm him, "Everything is fine Shinji, but we need to back to the hotel."

"Hotel?" He asks, again looking at both myself and Rei in confusion, "Do you want me to wait here whilst you bring her back?"

"No, you have to come with me. I fear that my effort alone will not be enough to bring her back." I again turn to look at Rei, "Thank you for this, truly it does mean a lot."

"I don't understand." Shinji says, "Why did she leave?"

"Asuka left because she is nothing more than an idiot who remains incapable of reading a situation and continues to act without thinking. Not dissimilar to a certain brother of mine." Rei answers with a mild hint of irritation in her voice, "Go with Kaworu to the hotel and bring her back. You can tell her I called her an idiot as well."

I laugh as I thank her once again and begin to make my way towards the car. Shinji seems to hesitate for a moment before Rei tells him to go. For a brief moment I feel bad for not fully explaining what is happening and why Asuka has left, but I feel it is something best left until the three of us are together. I sit myself down on one of the seats in the back of the car, Shinji getting in beside me and I instruct the driver to go to the hotel.

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as the car pulls away. So far things are going how I expected them to go. I had a feeling Asuka would do something like this, the fear she has of being abandoned winning out over common sense. Her idea that she isn't a good person winning out over the love I have for her and the love Shinji has for her. What this does is give me a chance to prove how I feel... how we all feel for one another and move us forward.

Yet, I have my doubts. I've gone over the moment in my head a few times, thought of key things to say and gestures to make. Questions to ask and answers to give but it could end up being that I am wrong. Perhaps Asuka and Shinji do not feel that way for one another. Perhaps Shinji does not feel that way for me. Perhaps... I would be unable to convince them.

No. This is not the time for that sort of doubt nor that sort of fear. I have to remain confident in my feelings and what is within my heart. If I want us all to be happy like we all can be then I can't doubt myself. If I start to doubt then that is when it all falls apart.

"Kaworu... What is going on? How come Asuka left?" I hear Shinji ask me again, "Was it something I..."

"No." I quickly cut him off before he can finish asking that question, "It was not something you did, nor was it something I did. Asuka left because... well I don't wish to be as harsh as your sister but she left because she is seeing something where nothing needs to be seen and she is not seeing that which does need to be seen. There are some... things that need ironing out, that is why I need you with me."

"I don't... really understand." He answers me but also nods, "But I will go to her with you. I don't want her to be upset or hurt."

"I know you don't." I smile as I reach out and place my hand on top of his, I feel him tense up and wonder if maybe I overstepped a boundary but he soon relaxes, "And neither do I. She is very precious to me Shinji, as are you. I would not wish for either of you to be hurt."

It takes very little time for the car to reach the hotel, for the rest of the journey I feel myself enjoying the warmth and comfort of holding Shinji's hand. Hopefully after tonight that can be a more regular occurrence. The car comes to a stop and we both get out; I thank the driver before moving quickly into the hotel. My chest feels tighter as we step into the lobby, the realization is dawning on me, this is the moment everything will change.

If I mess this up then... what happens to us afterwards? We've all be quiet about our feelings for one another up until now. We've all surely been aware of it but let them remain under the surface. When I put it out into the open then it creates either an opportunity or an awkward situation.

It's an opportunity we can all seize and make work. We can all admit those feelings, and realize they're valid. We can all realize there is a path forward where the three of us can be happy together. Or... we can let it pass us by. We can do nothing and then the situation becomes awkward. By doing this I could destroy the fragile relationships we've built.

Humans like tradition, they like to remain within their comfort zone and for many people, change is something to fear, not embrace. I understand this all too well. Change is frightening and can lead to pain. It can lead to being hurt be it physically or emotionally. Sometimes it feels like it is better to do nothing than to risk doing anything. I felt this when I met Asuka, the change in our relationship going from friendship to being in love. It terrified me because I knew there was no going back should things go wrong.

Asuka and Shinji... they both fear change. They both fear what will happen to them when they move out of their comfort zone. They have both been hurt so much in their lives... I am ashamed to admit that I have been a part of hurting them as well with what I used to be. I am however convinced that they aren't the sort who wouldn't be open minded in this situation, that they would both embrace love.

Yet... I have observed the fickle nature of humanity. I was told time and time again by my former masters how humans could be. I know a lot of that was dressed up to fit their narrative and secure my co-operation but there were elements fo truth within. I know what this race can be like. I know humanity can be wonderful, loving and caring but I know it can be dark, harsh and cruel. I also know that acceptance has its limits for some.

"Kaworu I..." Shinji starts to speak as soon as we enter the elevator. He was mostly quiet for the journey here but I know he has been deep in thought the entire time. Knowing what I do, I expect him to be finding some way to place the blame on himself for Asuka's actions, "Is this... my fault?"

I shake my head, "No Shinji, it is not your fault. You should not blame yourself for this. Asuka's actions are her own, not any fault of mine nor any fault of yours."

"But..."

"No buts Shinji." I quickly cut him off, "You need to cast those thoughts aside, you are blameless tonight. Instead we should focus on supporting Asuka."

The elevator reaches the floor with mine and Asuka's room just as I finish speaking. I quickly step out as soon as the door opens and begin to move down the corridor towards the room. My heart is about ready to burst through my chest as we reach the room and I slide the card into the socket. My hand rests on the handle as I realize this is the moment it all changes, this is the moment we've been waiting for.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Thank you all so much for the comments and kind words so far. I'll say more later but just... it means a lot to see people really enjoying and anticipating these chapters. I won't say anything more but I hope you do enjoy what is to come.

This is a fairly short segment before we get back to the main meal, those parts should come next week.

---

Rei Ayanami

I try to shake off the little feelings of annoyance within me as I watch the car pull away with Shinji and Kaworu in it. Strangely I'm not too annoyed at what Asuka has done, it's more the fact that I was wrong about it. When Kaworu came to me and told me that he expected something like this to happen I was... certain it would not. I was wrong... and I am annoyed that I was wrong.

Pride... it is another human thing that I seem to have inherited over the last few years. Tonight, my pride is somewhat wounded, I was convinced that Asuka would not do such a thing, that perhaps she had changed enough to not repeat a mistake from long ago. It turns out that my friend is both predictable and an idiot. I should really have expected it.

Kaworu saw it coming though, perhaps I should give him more credit than I have done. I was surprised when he came to me earlier today and told me about his expectations for tonight. For someone so... so... Kaworu, I was not expecting him to be as perceptive as he was. It turns out he is full of surprises and the more he surprises me, the more certain I am that the three of them can and will be happy.

"I saw Kaworu and Shinji leaving, is everything okay?"

I turn around to see Kodama standing at the entrance. I quickly move up and wrap my arms around her, greeting her with a kiss. I nod as I look down the road in the direction of the car, "It is fine. Asuka... tried to run away, they are both going after her."

Kodama's smile turns to a concerned frown, she steps out onto the street, "She tried to run? What happened? Should we do anything?"

"No, I think those two will be fine." I quickly answer to reassure her, "Nothing actually happened. It is just Asuka being... Asuka. I think tonight was... a lot for her to take in and drew out a lot of her anxieties again."

Kodama gives me a nod. She already knows the story about Asuka leaving in the past and should have a good idea of just what Asuka can be like. The look of concern does not leave her face though, "What about Kaworu, how is he taking it?"

"Kaworu expected it to happen." Kodama actually looks surprised, I suppose she, much like me, did not expect him to be quite as perceptive as he was, "I was surprised too, but he came to speak to me earlier today. He thoguht she might try to run, so he had me keep an eye on her. He's taken Shinji to speak to her now."

"So is he going to..." Kodama starts to grin, "Well... you know... will the three of them..."

"I hope so." I answer, "Asuka seems to believe Kaworu and Shinji have a stronger bond and that she would only end up hurting Kaworu int he long run because of who she is. Kaworu can... hopefully make her see otherwise. I just hope they don't.... fuck this up."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Not much else to say, the train rolls on...

Kaworu Nagisa

I open the door to our room and my mind begins to go over the parallels with this moment and the events of five years ago. I didn't quite understand what I was feeling at the time but I was so very nervous then as well. I knew that as I opened the door to that chamber everything, for better or worse, was going to change. Perhaps my heart didn't quite pound like it is now and my hands weren't as sweaty as they are now but those overwhelming feelings of unease and uncertainty are definitely akin to what I'm feeling now.

Am I doing the right thing?

Us humans... We move in patterns and cycles. The situations and scenarios ahead of us may change but our approach tends to be similar. We play things out in a similar fashion and repeat patterns from before, despite perhaps knowing it may not be the best approach. There does always come a time when we have to break that cycle. For better or worse we need to break the cycles which will of course lead to entering a new one.

Asuka... In a way she is coming full circle tonight. Right now, she is in the process of repeating an action she took many years ago. Running away because of her own fear of abandonment. Escaping because she feels she is unworthy of my love and frightened that she will only hurt others. Together, me and Shinji can stop her from doing this and break this cycle.

Me opening this door, this is an action I took many years ago. I opened a doorway into uncertainty so many years ago and did not know what the consequences would be. I'm doing that now, I know what I want to happen but those little feelings of doubt are creeping in. I know it isn't quite the same, this isn't going to end the world but... it is the end of something and the dawn of something else.

Shinji... I wonder if tonight has perhaps led to him breaking one of his own cycles. He told me that he had some important news for both myself and Asuka. Perhaps that is the breaking of a cycle for him, perhaps that is him moving beyond a pattern he is repeating.

I can see straight into the bedroom as I enter the corridor. Just as I expected, Asuka is stood there and is hastily stuffing her things into one of our cases. I quickly move into the room with Shinji close behind me. Asuka spots me straight away and her body stiffens, her eyes dart from me to Shinji and then back to me, widening with fear as she tightens her grip on the garments in her hand. I would laugh at the situation, eying the bunches of underwear she now drops to the ground but this is serious.

I wonder if the two of them can hear my heart pounding rapidly in my chest or the sound of me swallowing as I try to figure out what to say. I had this all mapped out moments ago but now... it's gone.

"Go away." She hisses angrily at the pair of us."

"No." I state as firmly as I can, standing my ground and hoping that Shinji is still behind me, "You're not leaving Asuka."

"I will do what I want to do." She snaps back, slamming the case lid down, "Now both of you, go away."

"No." I repeat as I take another step towards the bed, she shoots me a glare that stops me in my tracks and I suddenly realize something. I don't know what to do if she does try to leave. I can't exactly grab hold of her and restrain her nor would I expect Shinji to do the same. I cannot force her to do something here, so I have to say the right things and... I have to say it quickly, "I know why you're leaving Asuka and... You don't have to leave... Please, don't hurt yourself like this."

"You know why I'm leaving?" Hah, well isn't Angel-boy perceptive all of a sudden?" She tries to add some venom to her voice this time but I can hear the lack of meaning underneath it. I ignore the weak attempt to insult me, "Well then you should know that I'm doing this for you! I'm doing this so that you can be happy! Both of you you're... better off without me."

"Asuka you know that isn't true!" I answer her back, "I love you... You leaving wouldn't make me happy."

"I... don't want you to leave either Asuka." I hear Shinji speaking from behind me. Hearing his voices surprises me but also fills me full of relief, I am so thankful that he has found his voice, "You... shouldn't leave... I know what you're going through... I..."

"You have no idea what I'm going through Shinji! You-"

"Yes! I do!" Shinji interrupts her raising his voice, which catches both me and her off guard, I remain silent as I listen to him continue, "You're scared of hurting us because you've hurt people in the past! You're scared of letting yourself be loved because you think people will just betray you or abandon you! You think you should be left all alone because you're worthless! You're the same as me Asuka! You know this and you know fine well none of it is true!"

I remain silent as I look at the look of recognition on her face and then back to the emotion on Shinji's face.

"I want to run away from everything as well Asuka... I was terrified of what would happen when I saw the two of you step off that plane. I was terrified of what would happen when I spoke to you again. I was terrified of tonight because I thought one person in that audience would know the truth about who I was and what I had done. I'm always scared of myself, of people I don't know and the people I do know. I'm frightened all the time and I hate it."

"Shinji, you ha-"

"I hate it all just like you probably do! It's tiring, sometimes I'm exhausted in the middle of the day just because of it all! I hate feeling it so much and want to change it but running away isn't the answer and our past doesn't dictate who we are now and who we will be. Deep down I know... I deserve friends and I deserve to be loved!"

I had no idea all of this was within Shinji's heart, nor did I think he was capable of expressing it like this. His words are... inspirational and I suppress smiling at hearing the passion within him. Shinji is a truly wonderful man, amazing. I look towards Asuka and see her trying to form some sort of response to what he has said. I take this as my time to jump in.

"Asuka I... I know you're scared of hurting me in the future and I know you're scared of me hurting you in some way. I understand that because I'm frightened of those things too, I don't want to be abandoned and alone but I know it's just fear speaking and not reality." I take a deep breath, "We're all scared of the same thing Asuka, we're all thinking and feeling the same things but... don't you two see. None of us have to be left behind, there is a bond between us all... a chance that we can... we can seize."

The two of them remain silent as I say those words, pretty much as I expected them to. I can see them both thinking about it but neither of them wanting to ask me what I meant. Instead they just exchange glances.

"Shinji... Can I ask you something, please... be honest with me. Do you love Asuka?" Shinji looks at Asuka and I see the spark between them as their eyes meet. He turns to me again and I simply nod my head, "Don't worry about hurting me Shinji, be honest."

"Yes, I do." He answers me immediately.

I nod again and feel some relief at his admission, "Asuka... I ask you the same thing. Do you love Shinji? Again... be honest."

"Hah, love Shinji? You must be-" I narrow my eyes at her as she begins her bravado led tired, she instantly stops at the sight of the glare I give her and the look of hurt on Shinji's face, "Okay I... yes but-"

"Say nothing else!" I quickly stop her, "You do love me as well though, don't you?"

She nods her head, "Yes, I do."

I now look at Shinji again, "Shinji... How do you feel about me? Again, please be honest. I know that there are circumstances that might make it awkward but... be honest."

"I love you." He answers almost instantly, surprisingly so. I didn't quite expect him to be so honest and upfront.

"Okay and... I love both of you as well." I add, So... don't the two of you see? We can... all be together, the three of us. If we all love each other then... shouldn't we allow that to happen? Allow ourselves to be together?"

"You mean... all three of us in the same relationship?" Asuka looks at me, with some disbelief on her face.

"Yes." I nod, "Exactly that!"

"But that... isn't normal Kaworu!" She offers somewhat weakly.

"Asuka... I'm technically a clone of an entity that was sent to this planet millions upon millions of years ago by some ancestral race by a race of beings that doesn't exist anymore. I was raised in isolation by the leader of a cult whose aim was to reduce humanity to nothing and force their own evolution because of some misguided belief that this wonderful species had reached its peak. What 'normal' might be, I have never known it nor have I ever needed it." I answer her with a simple shrug, "I am in love with the two of you, and that feeling is amazing. I don't care if it isn't 'normal', to hell with normal, if we are happy then... who cares?"

Her eyes lower to the ground and then over to Shinji, "What about you... what do you think?"

"I... Asuka is right Kaworu... it isn't normal." Shinji answers her, "But you're right too... You've never known normal and neither have we. Those things that happened to us, the things we had to face... it wasn't normal but it all happened. This might not be normal but I'd... much rather be happen then not."

Once again, our eyes go towards Asuka and await her response. She has one hand on the suitcase and another down by her side. I watch as she continuously clenches it into a fist and unclenches it a number of times before nodding, "I need... this is a lot to take in... the two fo you? I... I mean I'd just have two people to hurt! You both know... Shinji, you know better than anything what I'm like... I..."

"Asuka! That was five years ago!" Shinji cuts her off with his voice raised again, "Stop being such an idiot about it! You're not that girl anymore and that was... that was never really who you were. You're a kind person... You're compassionate and you push us to be better. I know who the real you is and it isn't who you keep saying it is!"

"Kaworu..."

I shake my head, "Shinji is right. Remember how the night you met me? Remember how you were when I got attacked? Remember what you told me about the children's wards, the donations and signed copies for free? That's the Asuka I know and there is no trace of this person you keep talking about. There never has been and I don't think that person exists."

Silence falls again as we await her response, I continue to take deep breaths, my heart still pounding but my thoughts clearer. I look towards Asuka and see the emotion in her eyes, I see the faint form of tears in the corners and her rapid blinking as she tries to force them away. I was right, this is the moment, just a little bit more.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Okay so apologies for the double post, originally these next two segments were quite short but I wasn't happy with the original forms, so I scrapped them and rewrote them to what they are now. It now flows a lot better. So... enjoy.

----

Asuka Langley Soryu

Yes!

Yes!

Oh god yes!

Say yes you goddamn idiot! You know how you feel about the two of them so just agree to it! Say yes! Don't fuck this up! Don't let this slip away!

Any words I could possibly say are stuck in my throat as I try to blink away the tears forming in my eyes at hearing what the two of them have to say about me. I... believe it but I don't believe it, I can't believe it because I have this horrible mental blockage that prevents it but I know... I know somewhere that it's true. They wouldn't say it if it wasn't.

Still, that other voice persists. Telling me that it's only temporary, that their positive feelings towards me won't last and in time it'll fall apart. That eventually, I'll just reveal myself to be what I think I am, this horrible bitch that fucks everything up. Shinji, you were so goddamn right, this bullshit is exhausting, I'm so sick and tired of being tired.

This thing Kaworu has said, the three of us being together in a relationship, it sounds perfect. It sounds like a dream scenario and I am wondering if maybe I did fall asleep and this is a dream. I quickly clench my hand into a fist, digging my nails into the palm to elicit some pain. No... this isn't a dream. This is reality so then... it must be some sort of joke.

I look around the room for the cables leading to the hidden cameras. I listen out for the shuffling by the door where the presenter of some tacky show waits, ready to burst in. I stem those thoughts, what sort of prank would that be?

This is reality, those two men in front of me are deadly serious about this and I'm the one they're waiting on. Is this really what I want? Yes, it really is but fear is holding me back. The same fears that made me leave Japan, the same fears that made me stay away for five years, the same fears that threatened to not let me fall in love with Kaworu.

New fears enter the fray, will they just realize they're better off without me anyway and abandon me some time down the line? Will I take them for granted and revert into being some sort of monster? What if two of us argues? How will that be handled? Will we live together? I have doubts and questions and I need answers.

Shinji or Kaworu haven't moved in all the time I've been thinking about this. Shinji awkwardly shuffles from one foot to the other. Kaworu on the other hand keeps his eyes on me, awaiting my response. Shinji has already given his response it seems; he is all for it. It's uncharacteristically decisive of him but then... the adrenaline from the performance is probably coursing through him still.

My mind flashes back to the near kiss from just the other night. If I say yes then I could have that... I could have that and so much more. I could have Shinji and Kaworu together, we could all kiss and make love and be together. There would be no guilt and no shame... So why am I still hesitating?

"I..." I start to try to say something, desperate to end the awkward silence in the room but I'm not really sure what I could say. I look Kaworu in the eye and then turn to Shinji, before looking at Kaworu again, "...Are the two of you... really... serious about this?"

Kaworu nods firmly, "Yes... I am."

I turn towards Shinji and he also nods, "I... Yes, I would like it as well."

I let out a sigh, I want to say yes but now my mind has turned to other details. I look at Kaworu again, "And you have... thought about this, how it would work... I mean?"

"A little bit." He admits, "Granted I have not quite worked out everything, I felt it would be unfair to plan too much should you both decide to not go ahead and even if you did, I would rather have your input on how to proceed. After all if we are to be in a relationship we should all have a say, should we not?"

It makes me feel slightly better that Kaworu has at least thought about options and didn't just expect us to say yes. He must have considered that things would not be so simple with Shinji living in Japan and both myself and Kaworu being in Germany.

"Good." I answer him, "So you know... the distance would be an issue. Both of you know this right?"

Kaworu nods and Shinji looks at me, "I... forgot..."

"Idiot." I let out a laugh, "Just like you... jumping into a situation without thinking about it. It's a good thing you would have people like me to think about it for you."

"So, is it a yes?" Kaworu asks me, I feel my heart start to thump in my chest.

"We need to work things out first Kaworu I... can't just say yes like that. We leave Japan in a few days remember, so what would we do? Bring Shinji back with us, you can't quite do that can you?" I look towards Shinji, "And Kaworu... we can't just come back here at will. There is a process, you know that. Plus, you... have a job."

Kaworu nods, "I know, I had thought about that."

"If we do this..." I begin, "We do it properly, I want the two of you properly and I want the two of you to have me completely."

I suddenly trail off realizing what I have just said, I see Kaworu raise his eyebrow slightly, Shinji looks off into the corner.

"Perverts!" I snarl at them, "You both know what I meant! I just mean... I don't want anyone left behind, it's a proper relationship, not two people and their... part time lover."

"I... understand." Kaworu nods again, "I would not be happy with that either, I know the situation is slightly more complicated than it seems. I want the same as well and I'm sure Shinji would want the same."

Shinji looks at the two of us and also nods his head to confirm, "Yes, I want that as well."

"Honestly I don't quite know how we would sort it out yet." Kaworu admits, "Like I said, I thought it would be unfair to assume what either of you would want to do. I had... considered a few things and now that I know both of your feelings I could... look into that. If you will both allow me a bit of time, I can do that, it might also be good for the two of you to talk about this."

I nod back at him and watch as he moves out of the room, immediately I wonder just what he might have considered. Fact is, Kaworu has two jobs now, one of them as a piano teacher and the other working for Fuyutsuki. I know him, he can't just go back on either of those now, so that means Shinji will have to come to Germany.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Also putting this out earlier than I expected because I actually had it done much earlier.

Kaworu Nagisa

"Let's do it."

It takes a moment for Asuka's words to actually register themselves in my head. I had been sat in the bar of this hotel for twenty minutes now, trying desperately to find something to distract my mind. All I could do was go over the same scenarios over and over in my head, all the ones in which my offer to the two of them is rejected but none of them ending positively for me.

It started as soon as I left the hotel room, I thought I heard movement, my brain registered that was Shinji and Asuka making a move on one another. Their love for each other confirmed and now they could move forward without me. Throughout the twenty minutes my mind would return to that, the image of the two of them kissing, making love and then coming down here to tell me that it was a nice offer but they'd rather do things without me.

It was a stupid thought I know. The two of them are not like that, they would not betray me like that and neither of them could live with the guilt. Still, stupid thoughts are often the most pervasive.

Another scenario, and perhaps more likely, the two of them argue about it. They allow their old fears to resurface and push one another away. This goes on for twenty minutes until they both realize such a suggestion could never work. We all end up going out separate ways after that, my actions having fractured a friendship and a relationship.

Asuka's questions have also got me thinking about the relationship long term as well. I had given some brief thought as to how things might work. I had thought about how we could arrange a schedule to visit each other whilst we could not move to Japan or Shinji to Germany but admittedly, I did not think too much about the toll it would take on them nor whether or not they would be happy with that arrangement. I admit, I was somewhat selfish in my thoughts but then I also believe that love is powerful and the love we share could help us overcome that difficulty.

I appreciate my situation does complicate matters somewhat. I only just realized that not only does my role with Fuyutsuki hold me back but the scrutiny of the UN on my person also hinders things. The issue with Fuyutsuki is easily solved, he has told me of his plans to retire soon, I did not tell the two of them this year. I suppose I wanted to see if we could agree to do this without that knowledge.

As far as my piano teaching goes, I will surely miss my students but with the technology on offer it isn't as if I cannot stay in contact with them and I could easily teach piano if I moved to Japan. That is indeed, if we moved to Japan. I am making an assumption that Asuka would wish to make that move. In which case Shinji would move to Germany, a move I am not so sure he would make. He has stronger ties to this place, he has family he loves and friends. It is a complicated issue.

All of these things have helped to sew more seeds of doubt in my mind. I was strong... I truly was whilst putting the idea forward because I believe it is the best thing for the three of us. I know we all love on another and I believe we should all embrace that fact and let it happen. Reality is not always so kind though, and that is why when I saw Asuka and Shinji enter the room I was so very nervous.

Until she said those words. They took a moment to register but then I felt it in my heart, my body and my soul. Elation, pure joy and elation.

"Y-You mean..."

"The three of us... a relationship." Asuka answers me, "Yes, we spoke about it and we agreed it wouldn't be easy. There are a lot of things to work out but... yes. Let's go for it, we've faced the impossible before and won, compared to that this'll be... easy, right?"

I turn to Shinji, "You are... okay with this?"

"Yes." Shinji smiles and nods, "I... want this Kaworu,"

"You two... I... I don't know what to say. I-"

Asuka quickly places a finger on my lips, "Say nothing else. It's been a long night and there is a lot to work out but we can work it out tomorrow. It's late and... I think we're all pretty tired, right?"

I nod as she withdraws her finger from my lips, "Yes... I am."

"Good." She says as she leans in and kisses me on the lips, "Then I think we should return to our rooms."

I get to my feet and watch as she takes a step back and also kisses Shinji on the lips turning and grinning at me, "You have no objections to Shinji coming as well, do you?"

"None at all." I shake my head, as I step forward and look him in his eyes before kissing him softly on the lips too. I reach out with a hand taking hold of one of his hands, with my other hand I take hold of one of Asukas. I look between the two of them and see them take hold of one another's spare hands.

"Thank you... truly... I love you both."

 

[jcmoorehead]

And here we go, the final chapter begins. Thank you to everyone who has been with this from the beginning, thank you to those of you who joined part way through or who are joining now. Hope you have enjoyed this and enjoy these final few segments. I'll write a proper wrap up post when all of this is done.

For the record this will be two segments, followed by two Epilogues. So three segments left in total

---

Asuka Langley Soryu

I finish tying the lace on the boot, lift it and wriggle my foot around a little bit in an attempt to get used to how tight the boot is and the weight of it. I look up from the bench I'm on, and up over the barrier at the people skating, the sudden drop in my stomach tells me what a stupid idea this truly was. In fact, not only was agreeing to this a stupid idea but I've managed to once again open my big mouth and set myself up for humiliation!

'Oh yes Shinji, of course I've done this before! It's so easy!'

'Why yes Kaworu! I'll show you both how it's done, you'll both get to see how amazing I am!'

Why do I do this? Why did I have to open my mouth without thinking first? Why am I like this? Now, I actually have to go out on that ice rink and pretend I know what the hell I'm doing! I'm completely at a loss as to how I'm going to do that. It's not like I can bluff suddenly being good at ice skating. I can't just go on there and start doing spins and jumps like some of these people! If anything, just attempting that is a sure-fire way to break several bones in my body and end up looking like a tit in front of those two!

Gott! I have such a big mouth! Why? Why? Why? Why? It's not like I need to impress the two of them! We're all dating! We've all slept together for god sakes! They love me as I am! I don't need to do anything to impress them, least of all kill myself wearing this monstrous footwear with blades that can slide through a limb on them whilst moving on a surface people aren't made to be walking on!

Well, I have both boots on now and I can't back out. I place both my feet on the ground and push myself up off of the bench. I take a step forward, walking in these... it's not so bad, I'm a little bit wobbly but it's okay. I see Kaworu ahead of me, he's standing by the entrance to the rink, looking very unsure of himself as he struggles to keep his balance. I put on my best, and most confident, smile and walk towards him. A smile that I feel fading slightly as the fear of falling over sets in.

Honestly, I could hate Kaworu for suggesting this as a thing to do on our last day. Damn guy saw other couples doing it the other day and thought it'd be 'oh, so romantic', what's romantic about breaking your ankle? What's romantic about bleeding out on a patch of ice? Am I being over the top? Maybe, but after the life I've had what's wrong with sitting in a nice café on a hilltop having a cup of hot chocolate?

If my younger self could only hear me now!

My mind turns to Shinji, he's not escaping my ire either. Shinji... He went along with it immediately. He jumped at the chance! He was so eager to do it but I don't see him now, do I? Probably chickened out! Probably can't even get his skates on. This is the thing, I'm not just worried about my safety! It's theirs as well! How are Shinji and Kaworu going to manage something like this?

Still, if the two of them weren't so handsome then I'd really hate the pair of them. As it is, I'll just have to settle for mild annoyance. Damnit, what has happened to me? Allowing myself to be swayed by two... elegant and sexily dressed men!

I look across at Kaworu once again, he must have known what he was doing when he put on those clothes. The black jacket, the loose grey scarf tucked in at the top, the grey gloves and the dark and distractingly tight trousers... it's like he picked everything to make his silvery hair and handsome face stand out so much more.

Shinji... he's not so bad either. I presume Rei had a hand in that, maybe I'm being unfair but he doesn't come across as the most fashion-conscious person in the world. I still can't see where he is, but he's dressed well. A blue scarf, a lengthy cream jacket, brown-ish gloves. It all looks brand new as well.

I've opted for a dark red jacket that comes down to just past my hips, just as well for when I fall and bust my head open. I've got a pair of dark blue jeans on, no scarf and thin red gloves on. If I had known we'd be doing this today then I might have gone for something with a bit more padding. I was dressing for shopping and café visits with my boyfriend's not... an afternoon at the hospital!

"So, where is he?" I call out to Kaworu as I approach, "No, let me guess! He's chickened out hasn't he? He couldn't even get his skates on?"

Kaword smiles back at me but also shakes his head, instead he turns and points towards the rink, "Actually... It would seem that much unlike the other night; this is not Shinji's first time."

"Pervert." I jab Kaworu in the ribs with my elbow before looking out at the ice to see what he is pointing at. I feel the grin fade from my face as I see Shinji, it's far from the sight I expected to see as well. Instead of being clumsy and falling over, much like I imagine myself and Kaworu will be, Shinji is skating... and he's skating well. He's graceful and fast, I look on as he skillfully passes a couple of people without a care, "Oh..."

"indeed." Kaworu nods, "So I have to ask... you... haven't really done this... have you?"

I shrug my shoulders and turn back to face him, an embarassed grin starts to form, "Define... having done this..."

"So that is a no then." He merely laughs and turns top look at the rink again, "I'm glad, I thought that I would be the only one."

"Yeah well... Just keep it quiet will you!" I let out a sigh as I rest my hands on the barrier, "I already feel stupid enough about boasting to you both earlier."

"But why?" He smiles at me, "You know neither of us would have judged you."

"I know that but I'm me, aren't I?" I give him the honest answer, "It's not about the two of you judging me, it's about my pride... it's about me... being a goddamn idiot! Look, let's just get this over and done with. How difficult can it really be? I mean there are children here? Besides, if Shinji managed to learn it then I'm sure we ca-"

I'm not sure what I regret more, the words I'm speaking or the fact that I've just walked onto the ice without focusing on what's in front of me. Maybe both at the same time, maybe both contribute to this. The first step I take is actually fine, I get onto the ice and then I take a second step. That too is fine, but it's the third step, the one where I'm in the middle of mentioning Shinji and gesturing wildly that I start to falter.

My foot slips and I stumble forward, I try to regain my balance but the front of my skate feels like it gets stuck which causes my other foot to go. Time seems to slow down, like some silly old cartoon and all I can do is go into panic mode as I await the inevitable. Sure enough, it happens and a moment later I feel and hear the thud as I painfully land on the ice, backside first.

"Asuka!"

I curse under my breath as I hear the voice calling my name. It's not Kaworu but Shinji, I look up to see him skating towards me and stopping himself close by, "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" I snap back at him, "Stupid ice..."

I try to ignore the hurt look on his face as I focus on getting back to my feet. Fortunately, that doesn't seem to be too much of an issue thanks to my proximity to the barrier. As I get up, I try to ignore the looks of the other skaters and spectators. I lean myself against the barrier for stability and turn myself to face Shinji, he moves towards me holding out his hands.

"I think I'm fine here for the moment." I quickly say, he puts his hands down, and again I try to ignore the look of hurt on his face. I'm snapping at him for something that isn't his fault! He thinks I've done this before so he probably didn't expect such a harsh rejection. God damnit! Why did I have to be such an idiot? I quickly try to get him to focus on something else, "Go and see to Angel boy! He probably needs your help more."

I turn around to see Kaworu stood at the edge of the rink looking at the two of us with a fearful look on his face. I try to take some solace from the fact that his smug grin has faded but at least he, unlike me has been honest about this. I look on as Shinji makes his way to Kaworu and holds out a hand, "Here, take my hand Kaworu. Don't worry, it'll be alright."

It's hard to not feel jealous at the display in front of me. I look on and see Kaworu take Shinji's hand, I see the two of them exchange a smile and watch as Kaworu steps onto the ice hand in hand with Shinji. That could have been me, we could all have been hand in hand if I hadn't opened my big mouth.

"Thank you, Shinji." Kaworu smiles as he steadies himself, "So... what now?"

"What do you mean, what now?" I exclaim, "We skate around the rink, you know... the same thing everyone else is doing!"

"I am aware of that." he replies, "I just meant... how does one actually skate?"

"I-It's actually not too difficult." Shinji smiles at him and turns to face me, "We can show him, right Asuka?"

Shinji lets go of Kaworu's hand and pushes himself backwards a little bit so he is in the center of the two of us. He looks at me, awaiting my answer and I look to Kaworu to see only a sheepish smile. I let out a sigh, it's probably best I come clean.

"Actually Shinji..." I pause, "I um... haven't actually done this before either. I kinda... lied."

I see the look of confusion on his face spread as he looks at Kaworu who nods, smug smile on his face, and then back to me, "I... don't understand, what do you mean..."

"Do not make me repeat my words Ikari! What is there to be confused about! I lied!"

"B-But why?" He asks.

"Just teach us both how to skate!" I quickly cut him off, perhaps sounding a bit angrier than I intended to but my pride has taken enough of a hit today already. I just want to get on with this and at least do something.

"O-Okay..." he nods, "I mean... I've never really taught someone and I wasn't taught, I just kinda... picked it up. I don't really know what to say."

"It is okay Shinji." Kaworu moves to stem his fears, "it is only the basics we require, if you just go ahead then we can... watch and follow your lead, can't we Asuka?"

"Yeah whatever." I slowly and clumsily make my way in front of Kaworu, hugging the wall as I do so. Pride be damned now. What use is pride to me when I have a broken neck? I position myself with one hand hovering above the wall and the other down by my side. As I position myself I see a few people glide past us, a couple with a child in front of them, pushing a penguin shaped support.

"It is an adorable scene isn't it?" I hear Kaworu behind me.

I nod, unable to deny that it is quite adorable. I look up at Shinji who is looking at the two of us, quite nervously I might add. Why is it he looks more nervous than we do? At least he can skate.

"O-Okay... I will go slowly then." Shinji says as he turns and begins to move away. I keep an eye on his feet, watching how he moves and wondering how to replicate that myself. I keep my hand just above the wall as I push myself away and take that first proper step. My feet feel... weird as I slowly move forward, every now and then putting my hand on the wall to steady myself. I try to mimic Shinji's steps but have some difficulty, every so often I feel like I'm getting it only to slow down immediately or feel my boot getting caught.

Each step I take does build a little bit of confidence within me though, it isn't quite enough to fully let go of the wall and have my hand down by my side but it is enough to not use the wall every few steps. I continue to walk Shinji as he moves forward, his movements are fluid, he seems to be gliding along the ice with minimal effort, dodging around slower moving people without slowing himself down. He's confident, he's barely even thinking about what he is doing and he is... gorgeous.

I'm three quarters around now and realize that for the past quarter my thoughts have been focused more on Shinji and how he looked than my skating. Not only that but I've actually been moving faster and making fewer mistakes. That, I suppose is the key to it, it's like the Eva again, the more I think about what I'm doing the more likely it'll be I make a mistake. Kaworu teaches a similar thing with the piano, the more thought you put into it the more likely you'll make mistakes. You need to be at one with what you're doing.

It's something that is easier said than done, how can I be at one with the thing when it's all I can think about? Still, this... isn't so bad. Give me a few more goes and I'll be just as good as Shinji.

We finally get back to the entrance to the rink, I can feel my legs burning from the exertion but I managed to get around without falling over and making a tit of myself. I position myself close to Shinji and we both watch as a slightly frightened looking Kaworu makes his way towards us. His hand is still hovering just above the wall but he is moving in a good rhythm now as well. I suppress the urge to say something boastful, lest I end up falling on my ass.

"That was... quite fun." Kaworu smiles as he approaches, "But it was also frightening, I do apologize for being so slow."

"Don't be an idiot!" I reach forward and grab his hand, "It's not like you've ever done this before, besides you struggle with staying upright at the best of times. It's nothing short of a miracle you managed to make it around the rink."

"I do believe that is something of an exaggeration." He feigns a hurt look on his face as he protests, "I am not quite as clumsy as you make me out to be!"

"Oh really?" I raise an eyebrow, "Okay then, Shinji... Can you remind me of what happened to our resident alien last night as we were all going to bed... and can you remind me of what happened this morning as we were getting ready?"

Before Shinji can say anything Kaworu gives a sheepish shrug, "Okay... I concede that perhaps I do have my moments."

"Moments?" I let out a laugh, "Also, I'm sure whoever is in the room below us thought you had dropped dead."

"Well I am fairly sure they would have no issues believing you were alive, considering the sounds you were ma-"

"Um... Guys, we only have an hour..." Shinji chimes in quickly before Kaworu can finish that sentence and embarrass the three of us.

"Right!" I state, also making sure Kaworu can't finish that sentence. I often forget that he can sometimes have very little filter when it comes to discussing our sex life, "So let's go around again!"

Shinji nods and sets off. I follow closely behind and Kaworu behind me. It takes me a few steps to find my rhythm but I start off a lot better than the previous go. With each step I feel that confidence build up within me and the fear of falling fades away. As long as I keep this up, this simple rhythm and focus then I should be alright.

I feel my eyes on Shinji, every few metres he turns to check on me and Kaworu. I have to ignore the little voice in my head daring me to push and go faster to keep up with him. That little competitive voice that wants me to turn this into a race. Not now, not today, I can live without that.

Before I know it, the three of us are back at the entrance once again. Shinji stops with me stopping a moment later as we turn, we can see Kaworu isn't as far behind as he was the first go around. He still looks worried and has his hand hovering above the wall but it looks like he too has gotten a bit more confident.

"This is... not as bad as I thought it would be." he says, his voice ragged as he tries to catch his breath, "Although I must admit, it is slightly more tiring than I expected."

I laugh as the three of us look between one another, each one of us smiling and enjoying one another's company. I try to resist the sad feeling, knowing that this will be the last time the three of us can be together like this for a good few weeks. I wish we could stay. I really do but the reality is that me and Kaworu have to return to Germany, for work and because the UN only allowed us to be here for a certain amount of time.

"Asuka, are you okay?" I hear Kaworu ask me.

I nod my head, "I'm fine, say... shall we... go around together?"

I look on as the same couple from early goes back, still holding hands and moving in a slow rhythm. Shinji looks from them to me, "Are you... sure?"

I nod, "Why not? This is what Angel boy wanted, wasn't it? Seems to be a waste If we don't."

Kaworu looks at me, "True but... what if I... fall? I would not wish to hurt either of you."

"Then don't fall." I shrug, "I wasn't planning on doing that and I don't think Shinji was either. Now come on, hold my hand!"

I position myself in the middle of them. With my right hand I take hold of Kaworu's left. With my left hand I take hold of Shinji's right. I take a moment to think about what Kaworu said, if he falls down then we'll all go down together. Being honest, I can think of worse things than those two falling on top of me, although that is in slightly different circumstances.

I'm a bit worried about falling, but I suppose I just need to put my trust in them and they need to trust me too. That's it really, we take a step forward and trust each other. It'll be a bit frightening at first and we might stumble in places but we... we can manage it.

We take that first step, as I expected it's awkward. I feel Kaworu's hand tighten but we make it. We take another step and then another. With each step we move forward and the trust is rewarded, as it should be.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Shinji Ikari

At least this time I can say goodbye to her properly...

At least this time I can say goodbye to him properly...

At least this time I know I'll see the two of them again...

This isn't me saying goodbye forever... this isn't the end of anything... this is the beginning...

No matter how many times I repeat those things over and over to myself, it does nothing stop the sadness I'm feeling as I follow the two of them into the airport entrance. I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes and the tightness in my chest. I don't want them to leave, I don't want them to go back to Germany or at least I wish I was going with them.

I love them both so much and I don't know what I'll do without them near to me. I don't know what I'll do when I wake up in the morning and I don't see their sleeping forms. I don't know what I'll do when I wake up and I can't reach out to hold either of them. I want to be with them all the time, I want them to be around all the time. I love them so much.

We come to a stop near one of the ticket machines and I look at them both, first Kaworu... my boyfriend and then Asuka... my girlfriend. It's been just over a week since we confessed our feelings and said we'd give it a go. A week of... being together with them... holding hands, cuddling... going shopping, me cooking for them, going out for dinner the ice skating and making love to the two of them. We all knew this day would come and it hurts so much.

"Shinji..." It is Asuka who speaks first. I turn to see her looking at me, her bottom lip trembling and I see the faint form of a tear in the corner of her eye. I take her hand in mine as she looks away to compose herself, "...You know this is... not... because we want to go, right?"

"I know." I nod my head, "I know... You guys have to go back, the stuff with the UN and I can't go with you because of that too."

I try to mask the bitterness in my voice as I say that. Being angry at this point would be fruitless, trying to rebel against it would only hurt us all. We all agreed to the conditions the UN put forward and all we can do is deal with it.

"It's also going to be Christmas soon Shinji... you should be here with Misato and Rei... with your family and not with us." Asuka reminds me.

"I... I know that..." I answer, "I just wish..."

I shake my head as I trail off, I feel Kaworu take my other hand and I turn to face him. He's sad, he's been sad and silent all morning.

"it is... difficult to say goodbye to you once again Shinji..." He finally says, his voice low and in danger of cracking, "I suppose... at least this time it is under better circumstances. I am... very much alive, after all."

I let out a small laugh as I let go of their hands, "Yeah... That is something."

I look and see Asuka grinning, "And hey... at least I don't think I hate you all, I guess we've all made some progress."

I'm still laughing as I answer, "Yeah, I suppose we have."

"Are you going to be okay Shinji?" Kaworu asks me, the laughter fading as he places a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah... I will be. I'm just... not used to goodbyes like this. Usually people just leave me." I half smile and shrug, "You two... won't forget about me, will you?"

"Idiot!" Asuka punches me playfully in the shoulder, "We love you Shinji. The three of us are... we're all together. This isn't just me and Kaworu with you are the side dish, this is me... and you and Kaworu. We're equal and we are going to miss you so goddamn much."

Asuka moves forward wrapping her arms around me tightly and burying her head into my shoulder, I let her rest for a moment before bringing up my hand and gently stroking it through her hair. I feel her shoulders shake slightly and hear her whisper, "Idiot. I love you."

"I... understand what you are feeling Shinji, under the same circumstances I think I would... feel the same but Asuka is right. You are an equal part of this relationship and we could... never forget about you. You are beyond precious to us, we... love you."

I nod again, "I know, I love you both too."

Asuka pulls herself away from me and rubs her eyes, I reach forward and wipe away one of the still remaining tears from her cheek.

"We won't abandon you Shinji, as soon as we get back to Germany, we'll call you. We'll work out when you can come visit us or when we can visit you, I don't care which one. Just... don't think we're going to leave or anything."

"I... I know, I won't. Thank you."

Asuka moves forward again and we take a moment to look into one another's eyes before she leans in further, and our lips meet. We stand there sharing a kiss, before she breaks it and looks at me, "I love you Shinji."

"I love you too..." I manage to choke out, the emotion rising once again.

I turn myself towards Kaworu who takes both my hands into his, "I love you Shinji."

"I love you too Kaworu." We look into each other's eyes, much like Asuka and I did moments ago but the look lingers as we both become unsure. We're both not quite used to being affectionate in public yet, we both worry about the attitude of others might be towards it but then... this might be the last time I see him for a while. If I don't do this now then... I don't want to wait months for it. I step forward, putting my hand on the back of his head and pulling him towards me. Our lips part slightly as we begin to kiss, his hand on my side and the other running itself through my hair, our tongues dance with one another as for this moment there is only the two of us.

"Guys... GUYS!" We break the kiss on hearing Asuka calling our name. I sheepishly step away and see her glaring at the two of us, without saying anything else she marches forward, takes out of me and kisses me for the same length and passion that I just kissed Kaworu. On breaking the kiss she playfully shoves me in the chest, "There, something for you to remember the both of us by, until we meet again and do the rest."

I smile feeling redness coming to my cheeks, "Y-Yeah, it won't too long, will it?"

She shakes her head, "No, it won't. I promise."

With those words she lets out a sigh and looks up at the departure times. Kaworu does the same before looking back at me, "We should... go. Goodbye Shinji."

"Goodbye."

We say our goodbyes once again and share one final kiss between us before the two of them grab their luggage and begin to make their way further into the airport and away from me. All at once the burning of the tears in my eyes and the tightness in my chest returns as I see them get further away from me. I'm going to miss them both so much but I need to remind myself that this isn't the last time I'll see them.

When they finally leave my sight, I turn and make my way out of the airport back to a waiting Misato. Despite the tears I'm blinking away I actually realize I'm smiling. I'm so lucky, at the start of this year I didn't think anyone could or would love me and now as Christmas and the New Year approaches I have two wonderful people who love me and I love those two so very much.

Asuka... Kaworu... I will see you both soon. I promise.

-End-

 

[jcmoorehead]

June 2022 - Kaworu Nagisa

I feel the tiniest rush of excitement as I finish taping up the large box, grab a marker and write albums 1970-1979 on the side of it. I have a smile on my face as I pick up the box, carry it into the living room and set it down amidst the myriad of similar size boxes that have already been taped up. It is strange for me to think that in just over a week from now, all of these boxes will be sitting in our new home in Japan, waiting for us to unpack them.

In fact, just over a week ago none of these boxes were here. All of their contents were scattered across our home as they have been for the last year or so. Our video games, our albums, our consoles and clothing were all in their appropriate places, or at least in some sort of place. We had full bookcases and wardrobes, drawers and shelves. In the corner of the living room was my keyboard, that was one of the first things to be packaged up, it now lies hidden with everything else.

We had photos up on the walls, pictures of me and Asuka, pictures of me and Shinji, of Asuka and Shinji and some of the three of us together. We had photos of friends and of our visit to Japan. We had framed pictures of the cover art for Asuka's novels. Now, all of that has been packed away, the walls and shelves are bare, as bare as they were when I first moved in. As bare as they were up until Asuka moved in and I started to learn how to be a little bit more human.

The personality... our stamp on this place has been removed, it is now ready for someone else to move in and leave their mark on it. I only hope that they're able to make as many happy memories here as the two of us have made.

I'm about to go back into the bedroom and see if I can maybe pack one more box, surely one of the last when the front door suddenly opens. I stop as I hear Asuka and Shinji calling down the hallway that they're back, the two of them enter the room and I greet them both with a kiss. Shinji is carrying two bags of food from a local fast food place, he sets it down on the kitchen counter, one of the few free spots left.

"How did things go?" I ask eagerly as Shinji starts to get the food out fo the bag. I feel my stomach growl in response of the sight of the boxed burgers.

"It went fine!" Asuka answers me as she enters the room, throws some documents down on the ground and snatches up her burger and fries. She shoves a box aside with her foot, sits herself down and flips the lid of the box open before pouring her fries into the lid. She takes a bite of the burger and continues to answer me whilst chewing, "Everything has been sorted, we spoke to the UN representative, they're not going to interfere and put any restrictions on you. Said they'll have some bodyguards nearby but it'll be minimal."

I let out a sigh of relief, "That is good, I must admit I was still a bit worried that perhaps-"

"You had nothing to worry about!" Asuka cuts me off and throws one of her fries at me, it hits me on my shoulder before annoying landing on the floor. I shoot her a glare as she continues, "It was cleared weeks ago! They said there would be no problems, today was just the final confirmation. Besides it's not like they could say no, I mean with Fuyutsuki retiring and going back to Japan you had no job here. Ritsuko has already said the school she works at has a full-time position for a music teacher so it was perfect."

"I understand that." I answer her as I pick up the fry from the floor and put it in the bin, "But given their opposition to me going to Japan last time, I did worry that perhaps they would rescind their prior approval."

Asuka shrugs, "They were being idiots back then though, weren't they? Besides you proved them all wrong! We were there for a few weeks and you didn't do anything bad, no explosions, no creepy levitation, no hijacking giant robots, all fine! Tell him Shinji!"

I turn to Shinji, who has so far stayed out of the conversation and is instead focused on dipping a chicken nugget into a pot of sauce. He looks between the two of us and nods, "A-Asuka is right Kaworu. I don't think you had anything to worry about. I mean they already allowed us to buy the house and sort out your immigration, it would have been weird to turn you down now."

"I suppose... but you cannot blame me for being concerned. I still do... not trust those people."

"Neither do I!" Asuka adds, "But they know better than to mess us about with stuff like this. Look, forget about them for now. Focus on us and what we're doing, focus on getting the rest of this stuff packed up and then tomorrow it'll get shipped away. We go next week and move into our own place... the three of us."

I smile as she says that, "You are right... Thank you."

I take this as an opportunity to grab my food from the bag but also to reflect on how quickly we have gotten to this point. I think it's been a lot faster than any of us anticipated but then again, the last few months have also been harder than we anticipated. Neither me or Asuka were able to find an opportunity to go back to Japan over those months and Shinji was only able to fly out to see us twice before now.

There have been some arguments, there has been some upsets and a need to reassure one another greatly over the last few months but another thing was confirmed, we all do love each other, deeply and passionately. We speak pretty much every day and we're always sending each other photos and updates and there have even been a few... intimate moments shared across the internet with each other.

Next week I begin to write a new chapter in my life with these two amazing people. I feel so lucky and I hope I can give them half as much happiness as what they bring me. Once I feared the future but now not so much, because I get to share it with them and I would have it no other way.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Epilogue 02

I glance upwards at the apartment block and then back down at the address written on the small strip of paper. Maybe I shouldn't have done but I called in a favour to help me track down this place, unless they got it very wrong then it seems things have gone very well for Nurse Makinami over the last fifteen years. These aren't just high-end apartments, these are the sorts of places reserved for the elite. I'm sure if I hung around long enough, I'd probably run into a movie or pop star of some sort, either that or get escorted off of the premises for being creepy.

Nurse Makinami, she is the reason I am here. It was a dumb suggestion by Kaworu that took root in my mind. This idea that I should maybe make an effort to tie up any loose ends I had here. I had mentioned recently to him that she was the one person who was really kinda to me when Mama was in hospital, and that I would like to say thank you if I could, especially given that she gave me my pen name. He said I should do it, given our connections it wouldn't be hard to locate her even if that would be a bit... unscrupulous.

I walk straight ahead into the lobby of the block. It's a far cry from what I'm used to in these areas, it's well maintained, there are paintings up on the wall and plants scattered around. It looks nice, like a luxury hotel. There is some seating set up, around a table littered with high end fashion or car magazines. A coffee machine stands in the corner and a locked door blocks the way to the elevators and stairs.

To my left is a reception desk, standing behind it is a short and slightly snobbish looking man, his features reminding me very much of the detective Hercule Poirot. I approach and make myself known, "Hello, excuse me."

I get no reply, as he continues to look down at some booklets, I repeat myself only this time speaking a little bit louder. This does get his attention and he gives a little sniff and turns his head to look at me. He looks me up and down and I see his eyes narrow. I already get the impression he doesn't think too much of me, not that his opinion matters.

"Can I help you?" He speaks with a forced posh accent and doesn't even try to mask the disdain in his voice.

"Yes, you can, I'm looking for Miss Mari Makinami." I explain, "I was told that she lives here in number eight."

"I am sorry but I cannot help you, as you can see." He points to a sign on the wall behind him, "We have a strict policy restricting sales people, political campaigning or other unannounced visitors. As you can imagine we host a particular sort of clientele here, most of whom for their own protection do not wish to be disturbed. If you are here to make a mail delivery, please go to the mail building around the corner and they will handle it."

"Ah no, you don't understand..." I try to remain calm whilst speaking to him, "I'm not here to sell anything or deliver anything. I know... well I knew her some time ago. I wanted to speak to her."

"Mm-hmm..." I can tell by the tone of his voice and the look I'm getting that he doesn't believe me, I can also say that it's taking a lot for me to not dive over the table to tear the moustache from his face, "And how exactly do you know Miss Makinami?"

"I..." I don't, but I also didn't expect to deal with the door attendant from hell. I also don't really want to be revealing any details of my past to someone like him, "I was a patient of hers when she was a nurse."

It's a simple lie but he does seem to actually think about it. I decide to add more to my story just to see if I can push this a bit further, "My name is Asuka Langley Soryu, the name will mean something to her."

"I doubt that." He answers, "It means very little to me, and as mentioned we have strict policies in place that I am not willing to bend for the likes of you."

"Now listen here you, I didn't fi-" I'm about to launch full pelt into a rant based on how I fought oversized creatures in an attempt to save this world and therefore people like him to be treated like this when I'm thankfully cut off by the sounds of a woman clearing her throat.

"What is going on here?" I turn my head to see the source of the voice and see a grinning woman in her mid-forties standing in the entrance of the lobby. She's clutching a carrier bag from a local supermarket and from here I can see the bright pink rim of her glasses. She has long brown hair and her eyes seem to be focused on me.

"Ah, Miss Makinami, I was just telling this person of our visitor policies. They claim that they know you, but I am certain that cannot be the case."

My words get stuck in my throat as I take in the sight of the woman before me, this is Nurse Makinami, this is the woman I came to visit. It's not really going as I imagined. She continues to look at me and then I see the flash of recognition in her eyes, the grin fades only to be left with a shocked expression, "A-Asuka... It's... really you?"

I'm half tempted to laugh and gloat at the stunned mock Poirot next to me but all I can do is nod feebly, "Y-Yeah... You, remember who I am?"

"Of course! Of course I remember you!" She answers, "I just... never thought I'd see you again. It's been a long time. Please, come on up."

She moves into the lobby and swipes her card at the door leading to the elevators and again at the elevator. I shoot the receptionist a slight grin before following closely behind Mari, slightly stunned that she does actually remember who I am. Now that I'm here I find myself at a loss of what exactly to do. Like most things I'd just kinda gone in without a plan.

The elevator door closes and the journey to her floor begins. For a time, we're silent and I take the chance to look her over and also peek inside the shopping bag. She is smiling again and I have to admit she isn't quite what I expected. Between the grin, the way she stands, her clothing choices and the bag full of beer and instant miles I'm reminded very much of Misato.

"So, how did you find me?" She finally speaks as the elevator reaches its destination, "Was it Fuyutsuki?"

As we step out, I find myself caught in a stunned silence as she continues to grin, "Bet you're wondering how I know that name, aren't you?"

I nod my head and follow her through the luxurious corridor towards her apartment, "Yeah, I am and no... it wasn't him."

"Oh well, I would have expected..." She laughs as she reaches her door, "I suppose that can wait. I guess I'm probably not what you expected, am I?"

"Well... I guess not." I admit to her, "I mean... I don't want to be rude but... this isn't really a place you can get on a nurse's salary and seeing as you know who Fuyutsuki is... I'm guessing you weren't a normal nurse."

"No, I wasn't." She laughs.

I take a moment to try to let the shock of learning that sink in. For so long I thought her being kind to me was just a random act of kindness from a random nurse and now it seems like she was tied into everything as well. This spur of the moment decision has given me more questions than I had before. I wasn't prepared for this! I was just going to say thank you to her and explain how I stole her name for my pseudonym.

There is a small voice in the back of my head telling me that something could also be very wrong. I look up and down the corridor once again for anything strange. If Mari knows who Fuyutsuki is in relation to me then who exactly is she? Was she a friend or foe? NERV, SEELE or someone else? She didn't come into having this place off the back of a lottery win, so what exactly was she?

I follow her cautiously into the apartment itself, I feel slightly calmer at the sight of it, the main living space is as big as I expected, actually covering two floors a corridor off to the side for what I presume are the bedrooms and bathrooms. The view is spectacular, giving a great view of the city. Inside is slightly less tidy, empty beer cans are left on bits of furniture, I spot empty plates, and some discarded underwear.

"Sorry about the mess." She announces, without any shame as she leads me through the living room into the open kitchen. It's the sort of kitchen Shinji would love to cook in but I imagine, based on the amount of instant food here, that most of it goes unused. I also imagine that the amount of mess and unwashed dishes would give Shinji a heart attack, "I don't normally get visitors."

"It's fine." I say, my eyes are quickly drawn to a calendar on the wall and I feel myself blush as the sight of a woman with large exposed breasts and tight black leggings straddling another topless woman wearing tight red leggings greets me.

"You look like you have some questions, can I offer you some tea?"

I nod and she starts fills up a kettle and puts it on before pulling out two clean mugs from a cupboard. As I watch her, I try to think of something to say, I didn't really know what I was going to say in the first place but now I have more questions.

"I'm sorry for calling in like this. Your... receptionist seemed quite offended by me."

Mari lets out a laugh, "Oh ignore him, he's little more than a snob, all about the status and being seen with the right people. If he knew who you truly were then he'd change his tune. The world owes a lot to you, but I'm sure you've probably heard that before."

I nod and smirk, "Maybe once or twice."

"I wish I could have prevented all of that." She frowns as she sets down one of the cups of tea in front of me. She pulls a carton of milk out of the fridge, I add a touch to my tea and continue to listen as she speaks, "I tried but..."

"Wait..." I interrupt her, "What do you mean you tried?"

"Exactly what I said." She explains, "I guess there was little I could do at the time, after all I wasn't supposed to do anything that'd make me stand out and I suppose helping to orchestrate the disappearance of the prime candidate for the Evangelion project would have hurt that but I did try."

"Why?"

"Because I made a promise to your mother, that I would protect you." Her words hit me with the force of a fly hitting the windshield of a car. I can barely hear her say the next part, "And I am so sorry that I failed in that promise."

"Y-You... knew my mother?"

She nods solemnly, "I knew her... and I knew Yui as well. I met them both just before you were born, the three of us were friends. Look at this."

I watch as she makes her way over to a bookshelf in the front room and takes a photo down from it. She hands me the photo and I take it with trembling hands. It's hard for me to suppress the gasp when I see the three people on it. In the middle is a much younger Mari and to each side is my mother and Shinji's mother.

"This is..." I trail off and look up at Mari. Once again, I'm reminded of Misato in how she has gone from a lighthearted grin to deadly serious.

"That was taken about half a year before Yui disappeared and of course before your mother died." Mari informs me, "It was the last time the three of us were together, that was when I promised your mother I'd look after you."

"Were you part of Gehirn?"

"Not quite." She takes the photo from me and sets it down on the kitchen counter as she continues to explain, "I probably shouldn't show you that or tell you any of this but... you have a right to know. I was part of a special UN division tasked with investigating the truth of Second Impact. We wanted to prevent anything like that happening again and bring the culprits to justice. My orders were to infiltrate, find out what I could and if necessary... remove those responsible."

"Remove y-you mean... kill?" I feel my stomach start to churn as I speak those words. When I came here today I expected to find a nurse in her mid-forties, not some ex-agent of the UN. I feel even worse when she nods.

"If needed then yes, I was to kill." She confirms, "Not that it matters, the division was only a smokescreen. It was set up to give those with any doubts the impression that something was happening. What we didn't realize then was that SEELE practically controlled the UN so it was all set up in their favour."

"Did my mother know what you were?" I ask her, whilst making an effort to maintain my composure. I feel a little bit dizzy with what I'm suddenly learning.

"She and Yui knew." Mari explains, "Neither of them wanted Third Impact to happen and they knew that because of their work it would happen. They figured out what I was and came to be on their own. It was because of them I learned just how much control SEELE truly had. They helped me out, got me into places I wouldn't have been able to, shown me things I was never supposed to see, at great risk to themselves and to you and Shinji."

I feel some pride at hearing that and make a note to tell Shinji later. I always liked to imagine that my mother would have tried to resist SEELE and I know Shinji feels a similar way about his mother. Most of the information relating to the two of them has been erased so we've never known the full truth. I'm kinda proud to know that she did try to resist.

"Unfortunately, something went wrong, I guess they saw how close I was to the two of them and our mission was suddenly halted. Not long after that Yui vanished and... well you know what happened to your mother." She lowers her head, "Before she was forced to do the test, I promised her that I'd do what I could to look after you. I was going to try to get you moved elsewhere."

"What happened?" I try to imagine any sort of life different to the one I had. Who would I have become if I had been taken away from that situation? Would I have finally come to terms with what happened to my mother? Would I have been better adjusted? At the same time, my life... and my past is what made me the person I am now. I am better adjusted now, I have come to terms with what happened to my mother. I'm at that place, but it just took me a bit longer to get here.

"I tried... I had a plan to sneak you out when you were at the hospital and get you to America, some small town where you could blend in and no one would find you but..."

"That would have been impossible, wouldn't it?" I ask, knowing full well her plan wouldn't have worked.

She shakes her head, "Yeah, it would. As soon as your mother had the accident, they doubled the security on you and drew up plans to get you away as soon as possible. They also had me moved away from Germany as quickly as they could."

"And after that?"

"After that... Well, I knew something was rotten with the UN and I made it my goal to try to expose the truth. A couple of us banded together and started pursuing leads and recruiting others. Through... blind luck I guess, we were able to get eyes on NERV and SEELE again and more importantly for me both yourself and Shinji but... we were always too goddamn late."

There is a bitterness to her voice, one that I understand. I've always thought back to those times, if only I'd have been a bit smarter or if I'd have questioned things a bit more but I was so eager to play the good solider in pursuit of validation that I never stopped to actually think. I know that none of that is my fault though, I did what I could with what I had.

"You did what you could." I weakly throw out.

"I know." She nods, "We all did, some of us died for that cause. Your former guardian, Ryoji Kaji was one of my men."

"You knew Kaji?" I ask and again she nods to confirm.

"Yeah, he helped me keep an eye on the two of you. He lost a lot during the Second Impact and I think he was more desperate than any of us were to expose the truth."

"Idiot." I snarl out the word angrily.

Mari laughs, "Yeah, he is. He... certainly is. Losing him was one of my biggest regrets, I know how much he cared for you and Shinji and I... know how much you cared for him."

Mari grins as I feel a blush come to my cheeks, I'm instantly reminded of how ridiculous I used to act around Kaji, a pathetic example of a childhood crush. I expect Mari knows all about that, I just wonder how much Kaji told her.

"I was..."

She laughs, "No need to explain, we've all got our fantasies and crushes, I mean if you knew what went through my mind around Shinji's mother. I mean she was beautiful! I would have loved to pin her down an..."

Mari trails off as she gets a glimpse of my reddening face and what I am sure is a very shocked expression. I'm just glad Shinji isn't here to hear this woman talking about her fantasies about his mother. She shrugs, "Probably a discussion for another... more drunken time."

"Y-Yeah..." I shuffle my feet in discomfort and weakly try to steer the conversation elsewhere, "What do you do now?"

"Nothing." She shakes her head, "I saved up a lot during my time and was given a lot after it for my efforts so I'm mostly retired now. I had considered writing a book but it... seems someone has already written one for me."

She flashes me a knowing grin and I once again feel some discomfort, "Ah... Actually, that was one reason I was here."

"Go on..."

"When... my mother had her accident everyone at that hospital was... well they didn't really seem to care. You were, the only person who really took the time to speak to me or be with me, I always remembered that. So, when I wrote the book I didn't want to use my actual name, you know I didn't want someone to figure out who I was and I didn't want the publicity so I thought I'd... name it after the one adult who was kind to me back then."

"I see..." The smile fades from her face, "I... don't know what to say to that. Thank you."

"I haven't... caused you any trouble have I?" I ask her and she shakes her head.

"No, not at all. If anything I'm quite amused when I'm asked about it. It was a bit of a shock when I first heard of the book, wondered if maybe I got too drunk one night and became a literary genius. Would have been a kick in the face to my old teachers." She is back to grinning again, "I am honored Asuka. You know, your mother would be very proud of what you've become. She always wanted a creative child, if I remember correctly, she was very much into her music."

"Yeah, I got her record collection." I laugh.

"Is that all you have of her?"

"Yeah, my father... took the rest, same with Shinji's father. Neither of us have much of our mothers really."

Mari frowns but then suddenly leaves the room and heads towards a cabinet in the living room. She returns with a photo album and hands it to me, "Here, this isn't... well it isn't much. It's a few photos of my time with them. I can get them copied for you but it'll be for the both of you, to see your mothers as they were."

My hands are trembling as I take the album from her. I open it and start to look through, I try to stem the tears as I see the photos of mine and Shinji's mother. I smile as I turn to one page and see Shinji's mother holding who I presume to be a baby Shinji in her arms, the next page shows Mari and my mother smiling, and the photo after that shows a very nervous looking Mari holding a baby with bright red hair in her arms.

"You threw up on me shortly after that one was taken." Mari groans, "I was never any good around children."

I laugh as I continue to leaf through the booklet, more photos pass me by until I get to one page and stop. This photo is of Mari but it isn't like the others. This doesn't include me or Shinji, nor does it include our mothers. Instead Mari is a couple of years old and with her is a kid, maybe about seven or eight. They seem to be in a very posh and old looking room.

The photo itself would probably be unremarkable if it weren't for the look of the child. Pale white skin, bright red eyes and silver hair, this is her and Kaworu. She knew Kaworu as well!

"Kaworu Nagisa..." She mutters, "That was the closest I ever got to SEELE and their committee, helping to educate him. He was a sweet child, very bright and inquisitive. I always felt so sorry for him, he never had any friends or stimulation beyond what they set out for him."

"He did." I exclaim, "He... Kaworu, I... I know him, he is... my boyfriend. Can I... have a copy of this photo as well?"

I look up and see Mari nod, "Of course! It seems there is a lot I don't know. I was so sure that he... well I knew what he was. I knew what SEELE had planned for him."

I laugh, "Yeah... You have no idea. I don't really know where to begin."

"Well, I'm sure it can wait for another time." I pass her the book back, "I'm just glad he seems to have found a life for himself."

----

I'm leaving Mari's home some half an hour or so after finding out that she knew Kaworu as well. We've exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I haven't filled her in on the full details of mine, Kaworu and Shinji's relationship but I will do so when I can.

Truth be told I'm more than a little bit stunned by everything I have learned. I don't really know how to process it all, should I be happy about it all? Should I be upset or angry about any of this? I guess I can work all of that out at a later point, after I've spoken to Shinji and Kaworu. I'm sure they will be just as surprised as I am, especially Kaworu.

One thing I do feel with this is a sense of closure, like a huge chapter in my life is finally ending and I can move on with the next. I think this is the same for all of us, we're starting to accept who we were and what we are now and moving forward, and the best thing is, we get to do it all together.

End.