Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

jcmoorehead · Apr 19, 2018

1st October 2021 – Asuka Langley Soryu
I finish taping up the final box, when I'm certain it's properly sealed I pick up up and stack it with the numerous other boxes filled with copies of my book. As I set it down I look at my wrist hoping that the cramp will go away soon. This activity isn't something I feel like doing again any time soon. Unfortunately, in a few weeks it is something I will be doing as I've already agreed to sign double the amount of copies of the second book.
I'm still not entirely sure of my decision to do this. I wanted to remain completely anonymous, to not take part in any activities like book signings or media appearances. The only reason I agreed to it this time was due to it being for a good cause.

I must admit though, I am quite excited for the release of the second book. Rei was even able to persuade me to have a little celebration to mark the release of it when I go to Japan. Of course, the release date also coincides with my birthday. I've requested it to be a small affair, nothing big, just me and the few people who know it is me writing them. I don't want any balloons or fuss made. A cake would be nice but no more than that.

It does limit the number of people who would be there but I'd rather it be that way. It's more people than I deserve to celebrate anything to do with me. There is a problem that needs sorting out first though. The issue between Shinji and Kaworu and there won't be any celebration unless we can sort that out.

I shouldn't worry about that, we will sort out that problem. Despite my fears about what will happen I do want to make sure they can be friends again. I need to ignore those fears I have about the two of them, I know the feelings are there but I also have feelings for Shinji as well but I'm not going to betray or leave Kaworu over them. I don't think he'd do anything either and I damn sure know Shinji won't try anything.

I know my dreams have indicated otherwise but they are just dreams and to be honest I've never really been one for having good dreams. Most of my childhood was filled with nightmares and the years that followed haven't brought much warmth in dreams either. Yet, dreams are just dreams, they aren't reality and I should focus on that.

I move back towards the table where a sole copy of my book sits. I open it to the first page and grab the pen I've been using to sign the others. This is a special copy of the book, not one to go to charity but instead one I'll be sending to Shinji. I put the dedication at the top and then sign it underneath, for this one I don't use the signature I made up for Mari Makinami, I use my own real signature.

'To Shinji,

Sorry it took so long.'

I slide the book into a padded envelope with his address written out on the top. I'll have to go and post that later, after the courier comes to pick up all of these boxes. That gives me a few hours to spend doing something productive. I look towards the open door into Kaworu's spare room and see more stacked boxes, these ones containing things I've brought over from my apartment. I could be productive and sort some of them out.

Or I could play video games all day. It's a tough decision.

I walk to and pick up the controller but as I do so I hear the buzzer to the door go. I look across in confusion, the courier wasn't due to arrive until later this afternoon and Kaworu is still at work. Neither of us are expecting any packages and it's not like Kaworu gets any visitors. I pick up the receiver, "Hello?"

"Miss Soryu? Is Nagisa with you at the moment?"

I stifle a groan as I look at the receiver in annoyance, the voice belongs to that of Kozou Fuyutsuki. Why he is here I don't know. Also, I'm not sure why he is asking if Kaworu is here with me either. Surely, he'd know Kaworu is at work, unless... No, that can't be it, nothing could have happened to kaworu, otherwise he would know about it.

"No, he isn't here with me." I reply, trying to keep calm, "Did he not show up to work?"

"He did, but I told him he could take the rest of the day off when he finished his work. I was hoping I could get here before he came home. May I come inside, it's quite important."

I breathe a sigh of relief, nothing has happened to Kaworu, that is good but now I have more questions. Why was he given the rest of the day off and why is Fuyutsuki here now? I generally have little, if any, desire to speak to Fuyutsuki. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to him for helping me when I left Japan and in sorting out compensation for me and the others.

At the same time, I figure it's the least he could do for all we were put through as a result of the actions of him and the others. I would be very easy for me to just dismiss him but I should hear him out. If he says it is important then I can't ignore that.

"Fine, come on through." I finally say.

I reattach the phone and buzz Fuyutsuki through into the apartment. A few moments later he is at the door and I let him through. He stops a few steps into the room and looks down curiously at the number of boxes stacked nearby.

"Signed books." I begin to explain, "I was 'persuaded' to sign a few hundred copies for charity."

"I see." Fuyutsuko nods his head, "That is most gracious of you, I am sure that it will be appreciated. I must admit, I am surprised, I thought you didn't want any part of something like that."

I shrug, "I don't and I'm still signing the books as Mari Makinami not as myself. I just figure I should do something to help out."

"Understandable, well regardless it is a good gesture." He moves further into the room as he speaks, "I am also pleased to hear that you are back in contact with Ikari."

"I presume Kaworu told you?" I ask him, I'm not completely surprised that he knows. If it wasn't Kaworu that told him then I presume one of his people tracking us told him. I look as he nods and then continue to speak, "I just figured it was time to mend that bridge. I assume you're not here to talk to me about Shinji though?"

Fuyutsuki shakes his head, "No… I'm not. It is actually regarding Nagisa."

His tone turns more serious and that little bit of apprehension I was feeling earlier returns. I already don't like the way this is going and I haven't heard anything yet.

"Nagisa came to me not so long ago to speak about going to this concert in December. You see, Nagisa has to gain permission to travel outside of Germany."

I nod, "I'm aware, when we brought up the subject he did say that he would have to speak to you about it. I'm sure he gave you more than enough notice for you to give him the time off of work though."

"It isn't about me giving him the time off of work." Fuyutsuki replies, "I am more than happy to grant Nagisa time off whenever he requests it."

"Okay, so what is the problem?" I ask him, still not liking the direction the conversation is taking.

"The people Nagisa has to get permission from is the UN Security Council. In truth I thought asking them would be a mere formality at this point. It has been several months since his return but…"

Fuyutsuki trails off as I lean onto the couch and feel my nails dig into the soft leather. I have a strange feeling that the good mood I was previously in is about to be ruined. I take a deep breath to calm myself and try to remind myself that getting angry and yelling will achieve nothing. I need to remain clam.

"…well since he has returned you must have seen it. The tests he's had to do and information he has handed over. I thought enough time had passed and enough had been done to prove his humanity and for them to see he was no longer a threat." Fuyutsuki explains to me, I can hear the anger in his voice. It's not dissimilar to the time he told me and Shinji off during our first mission together, "Those fools sent me an e-mail last night, denying his request to travel to Japan."

"THEY HAVE DONE WHAT?" I yell loudly, I hear my voice echo throughout the apartment. So much for remaining calm and not yelling. I take a moment before I say anything else to try to put together something coherent. I speak again, not yelling this time but it is hard to hide the angry snarl in my voice, "How the hell could they do that? What more could he have possibly done to prove himself to them? He has complied with every single one of their requests and let's not forget this, it was THEIR people who attacked him weeks ago!"

Fuyutsuki does not disagree, "I know all of this and believe me I am thinking the exact same thing. You are not alone in your anger which is why I have come to you right now. I want you to know I am planning to fight this decision and will do everything I can. Yet I fear I cannot do this alone, I might need your help."

"My help?"

He nods and looks up at me, "I know you wished to have nothing to do with those people. I cannot blame you and I know you did not wish to have anything to do with me either but…"

"I'll do it!" I interrupt him immediately. I don't even take a second to think about it, "If it will help him then I'll do it. If I need to go before them and speak my bit and fight for him then… I'll do it."

"Are you sure?" Fuyutsuki asks me, "They might ask you questions about your past, about your time fighting the Angels. It might conjure up unpleasant memories. Are you sure you want to put yourself through that?"

No, I don't want to remember any of that but… I love Kaworu and I want to fight for him. So if it means reliving some of that to get them to recognize his humanity and let him travel freely then I'll do it. I nod at Fuyutsuki, "Yes… In fact… I'll go one better."

As I speak those words a plan starts to form in my mind. I've always been good at coming up with workable plans on the spot. Look at my amazing tactics against the ninth Angel! Unfortunately at the moment I just have the idea and don't know how I'm going to do this yet. Still, I lived with Misato for nearly a year so it wouldn't be the craziest thing I've been a part of. I mean hell, I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I don't do failure.

"I'll get Shinji involved as well! I'll get him to help with this, if we both defend Kaworu then they can't say no can they? I mean we're two former pilots! Add to which them denying the two of us won't look great for them, considering we've let them off fairly easy!" I say with a grin.

Fuyutsuki actually looked quite surprised at what I've said, "Would Ikari agree to such a thing? He has always seemed reluctant to have anything to do with the UN when they have asked before, nor has he really expressed a desire to speak with myself."

"Don't worry about it, you do what you need to do and I'll sort out things with Shinji." I reassure him, "I'll handle telling Kaworu when he gets in as well."

"I see." Fuyutsuki rises from the seat, "In which case I will take my leave and get in touch with the necessary people to appeal against this. Once again… I am sorry about how this worked out. It was my hope that Nagisa could live a normal life away from these sorts of politics but… it was not to be."

"I am sure he will understand." Again, I reassure him, "You just speak to whoever you need to and let me know what I need to do. I'll do what I need to here."

jcmoorehead · Apr 30, 2018

1st October 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa

I approach the front door to the apartment feeling quite different to how I did when I left to go to work this morning. This morning I felt like there was something of a dark cloud hovering over me, I felt regret at the situation with Shinji. I was finding it hard to convince myself that things would work out. I did believe Asuka when she told me that she would work on fixing the situation but I also did not want to rely completely on her.

After the conversation with Rei my outlook changed. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I took some time afterwards to go and walk along the riverside as I said I would and contemplated the situation more. If Rei is able to forgive me despite her admitted hatred of myself then perhaps there is a chance for the situation to be fixed.

I unlock the door and step through, announcing my return as I kick off my shoes, "I'm home!"

I step through the small corridor into the main living space and see it emptier than it was when I left this morning. The stack of boxes containing all of Asuka's signed books have now gone and Asuka herself is not in the room. A few moments later I hear a muffled shout from our bedroom, "Welcome home!"

I take a few steps towards the bedroom door and open it to see her kneeling down and stuffing a few items of clothing into one of the drawers. She looks up at me and smiles, I can see the sweat trickling down her forehead, "Give me a minute or two, I'm just finishing up sorting those boxes I brought over."

I nod and smile back at her, "Okay then."

I close the door behind me and the smile does not leave my lips. So Asuka has started to unpack her things and put them into the wardrobes and drawers. I was wondering if such a thing was going to happen. She has been starting here with me for a few weeks now, only returning to her apartment to bring more items over if necessary. As those weeks have gone on more and more of her possessions have been put out here.

What was once a spacious and barren flat, occupied by an alien and consisting of a single book case with a television, basic furniture and a piano has now been expanded. We've added a couple more bookcases, an array of games consoles and even a small fake plant. It not feels less like an alien lives here and more like it's inhabited by a person. I suppose that is true, when I arrived her many months ago I did not know how to be human, I was an alien and as time has gone on I have become more human.

My ongoing transformation is not something I have accomplished alone. I have others to thank for it, Fuyutsuki for giving me the opportunity, Kodama for starting me on the journey and of course the person who will be living with me and the one I love, Asuka. It is weird to think that she is living with me. It was not something we have ever discussed, it is just something that seems to have happened organically. I'm not sure why it happened in this way, I would have been more than happy to move to hers and it might have been easier, it's not like I had a lot of possessions. Yet she decided to move here.

I don't mind either way though. To know that I will be waking up every day to see her fills my heart with such joy. To know that I will continue to share meals with her, continue to play games, listen to music and watch movies, plan trips out makes me so very happy.

I sit myself down and wait for Asuka to come back into the room. A few moments later she does and I get another smile from her. Unfortunately, the smile fades fairly quickly and she lets out a sigh. I feel myself frown as I stand up to hug her, "Asuka, are you alright? Is everything okay?"

She nods at me, "It will be but..."

She moves away from me and makes her way towards the window and looks out of it for a moment. I wonder what could be wrong and a number of scenarios fly through my mind. I try to ignore them for the moment.

"...There is something I need to speak to you about. I wasn't sure when the best time to say it would be but I guess I should get it out of the way. I was visited by Fuyutsuki easier today."

I let out a sigh of relief as she says that. It is fortunately none of the scenarios that went through my mind. I am still concerned though, why would Fuyutsuki have visited her today?

"Fuyutsuki was here?" I ask.

She nods again, "Yes, he was here about your application to visit Japan in December."

"Ah... I see." I feel myself smile dryly and I can already guess from the look on her face what has happened. I suppose this explains why he wasn't at work today and why he said I should take the afternoon off. I go ahead and ask her to confirm it, "My application has been denied hasn't it?"

"I'm sorry..." Asuka lowers her head.

"Don't be..." I reply and shake my head. I find that for some reason I am still smiling, I'm not quite sure why. I'm not especially happy by the decision, I'm disappointed, I'm even a little bit angry by their decision. Yet, I also expected it in some way. I have known from the start that they haven't trusted me so this decision doesn't surprise me.

"I'm going to fight it though." Asuka says, her voice quiet yet containing a fierce confidence, "I already told Fuyutsuki. I'll do whatever I can."

"Thank you." I nod, "I appreciate that."

She looks up at me, "It isn't fair that you should have to be restricted because they refuse to see the truth."

I nod, "I know, I understand their fear… Humans are… fearful creatures, I have become well acquainted with the emotion myself since I have returned. I know how it can twist your logic, make you see things that aren't there but… I have also seen that it is something that people can overcome. I know you will make them see the reality of what I am."

"Damn right I will." She replies and smiles across at me, "It won't just be me as well, Shinji will speak to them as well."

"Shinji?" I look at her in confusion, "He agreed to do that?"

"Not quite…" Asuka looks away sheepishly, "I… Might have told Fuyutsuki he would, I figured if we had two pilots speaking for you then they couldn't ignore us right? I mean… I know I could do it myself without any problems but I don't want to take any risks."

"Ah… I see…" I lower my eyes, "So he…"

"Look…" She cuts me off, "Just… don't worry about it, I know we have a lot to sort out but… just don't worry about it. If I didn't think I could sort it out then I wouldn't have said it. Just leave it to me."

jcmoorehead · May 1, 2018

Okay so now for something a little bit different that I've actually been meaning to do for some time and that is talk about the 'soundtrack' as such for this fic. As I've pointed out a few times each chapter here is named after a song/album, the fic itself is named after a song and music features quite heavily within the fic itself.

When I write I always try to feature music in some way, it's a really important thing in my life and I guess I just like to share that with others in some way. Sometimes it's quite blatant and sometimes a little bit more subtle. I just thought it might be fun to go through the chapters an explain the titles, references and so on for you all.

Story Title: Braver Than We Are

So the title of the story itself comes from the Jim Steinman/Meat Loaf canon. Braver Than We Are is a song that has been floating around for some time, it was penned by Jim Steinman who is known for writing the Meat Loaf albums Bat Out Of Hell and Bat Out Of Hell 2, he is also responsible for Bonnie Tylers Holding Out For A Hero and Total Eclipse Of The Heart and people might also know him as the composer of the music for Tanz der Vampire/Dance Of The Vampires.

Braver Than We Are is also the name of the latest Meat Loaf album, a special album because it looks like it might be the guys last and also it's only the fourth to be all penned by Steinman. On this album the song Braver Than We Are actually goes by a new name of "Going All The Way Is Just The Start." In it you hear Meat duet with the two women he started his career with, the original woman lead on Bat Out Of Hell and the woman he toured with for that album. The song is a bit of a back and forth about how each person fears the other seeing the truth of who they are, and how they feel the other sees them as being this invincible person who soars and fears nothing.

I felt the song fit the characters of Eva so well, each one fears what they are and others finding out about it. The each see the other as beacons of strength.

Chapter 01: Subterrenea

Subterrenea is an album by the British Neo-Prog band IQ. It tells a story of a man who has lived his life in seclusion/sensory deprivation and is one day set free from his prison. The name of the track in which he goes into the world is also called Subterrenea as well. I felt that this song/idea fit Kaworu quite well in this chapter. This is him emerging into the world from his prison, he knows nothing of the world and how to be human. He is experiencing things for the first time really.

Fortunately for Kaworu he has a slightly better end than the protagonist of the album. In the album the protagonist finds himself falling for someone, only for them to vanish. He finds out he is being watched/followed by the people who imprisoned him, he vows to find the person responsible and discovered there are many more like him out there. His journey concludes with him retreating back into his life of solitude after all his negative experiences, I suppose this would be the bad end of Braver.

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Kodama's MP3 Player

At the end of the chapter Kodama gives Kaworu an MP3 Player filled with music from the 60s onwards. Kodama wasn't necessarily fussy about what she gave him. She gave him a selection of music from Japanese history and western history. I know little about Japanese music but on the Western side that included a lot of artists over the decades, Elvis, Beatles, Beach Boys, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Abba, Bee Gees, Genesis, Meat Loaf, Rush, Michael Jackson, Prince, and so on and so forth.

Her aim was to give Kaworu a good look at what was popular in each decade and to help him find what he enjoyed from it. She tried to get a variety of genre/acts on there.

Chapter 02: Both Sides Of The Story

Not really too much to explain with this chapter title. It's a Phil Collins song chosen because we're seeing what Asuka and Shinji are up to now in the present day.

Chapter 03: Lost Boy

Going back to Meat Loaf, I always had it in my head that a good song for their relationship would be Lost Boys & Golden Girls. This chapter is primarily about Kaworu and feeds back into that, Kaworu is the Lost Boy in this scenario. There isn't really too much to say about that but..

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Firth Of Fifth

We see the sort of music Kaworu enjoys in this chapter, he likes prog rock. Of course he does, I'm writing this fic so I go with that I know. Asuka also likes it too, and we see the first little bits of bondiing between them here when Kaworu plays a bit of the song Firth Of Fifth for her. I chose this song because it has a beautiful pure piano introduction. Genesis have a lot of amazing keyboard parts in their tracks and they too can be beautiful but I think the intro to Firth Of Fifth stands head and shoulders above them.

Chapter 04: Mr Blue Sky

The title of this chapter comes from the song of the same name by ELO, a lovely upbeat piece of music that stands in sharp contrast to how this chapter ends. There is a bit of optimism throughout the chapter, we see some laughter and smiling throughout it but of course we end it with Kaworu having been attacked. I picked the song because it was a contrast.

Chapter 05: You're Not Alone

This is a song by a band called Anathema, their album Weather Systems stands as one of my favourites. The track mentioned here is from their Distant Satellites album. It's an interesting track with some electronic components too it. The reason I picked it is simple, it's a statement for the characters, they are not alone.

Chapter 06: Telephone Line

This chapter title was actually picked by @Alex and it is another ELO song. The song title doesn't completely reflect the content of the chapter, but it does represent an important part of the chapter and that is Kaworu's phone call to Asuka.

Chapter 07: Any Kind Of Sign

This chapter title comes from a lyric in the Meat Loaf song Did I Say That? The song itself is actually more about the break up/ending of a relationship whereas the chapter is more about the beginning of one. I sort of took the idea of Did I Say That to be more of a crossroads though, it could go one way or the other, Asuka could have done/said something she regrets and it ends, but she doesn't and we get the beginning of the relationship.

Chapter 08: A Story Never Told

Now we go to one of my other favorite artists in Dream Theater, the lyric comes from the Scenes From A Memory album and the song Strange Deja Vu. Picked purely because I felt the lyric fit, no other reason. In this chapter we learn a bit more about when/how Asuka left Japan.

The song bears little relevance to the chapter really, the album it is from is a concept album about a man who undergoes regression therapy and discovers a past life in which he unravels the mysterious murder of a girl that has been haunting him.

Chapter 09: Get At The Truth

We go back to Meat Loaf again, and another Jim Steinman penned song Left In The Dark, the protagonist in the song is talking to his lover who they know has done something wrong, and they just want the truth. It fits with the direction of the story here, we are starting to see the truth reveal itself, and Shinji now knows Rei has been lying and wants to learn the truth about Asuka.

Chapter 10: Only When I Feel

Not too much to say, another Meat Loaf/Jim Steinman song. Chosen because it represented Shinji's mood during the chapter, he is hurt and in pain. He now has some of the truth and it stings because of the lies.

Regarding the song, this one was featured on the Braver Than We Are album but it has a longer history. Originally it was performed back in the mid 2000s and was supposed to be on the Bat Out Of Hell 3 album. It was performed as a lead in to If It Ain't Broke (Break It) but was absent from the album when it came out for some reason.

In this chapter we also get to see some of the artists Shinji will be performing tracks by. A little bit self indulgent but Shinji listening to and being familiar with the music will give him another link to Kaworu/Asuka. Utilizing these sorts of artists in orchestra isn't really a new thing though, plenty of albums exist with orchestral tributes to these artists and many bands have played with an orchestra. You will also see the joke about Meat Loaf being called Meat Loaf.

Meat Loaf was actually named Meat by his father due to the size of him as a child, Loaf was added later. In keeping with the themes of Evangelion, the story of Meat Loafs father is an interesting one. At his mothers funeral, Meat Loafs father actually tried to kill him. Chased him around the house with a knife in a drunken rage.

Chapter 11: Open Wide The Flood Gates

We switch from Meat Loaf to Spocks Beard for this chapter title. I picked this one because the name fit with what has happened in the story. The truth is out and these characters are moving forward in their own ways. Asuka/Kaworu are in a relationship, Shinji is back in contact with Asuka and has learned the truth about Rei. It just seemed to fit.

The album itself is about a young albino man nicknamed 'Snow' (Not to be confused with the Canadian rapper of the same name, famous for his early 90s hit 'Informer') Snow discovers he has certain abilities to see into the heart of any individual he touches. The album is noted for being Neal Morses last album as a full time member of Spocks Beard. It's a double disc concept album, some amazing music on there.

We also get a bit more about what Shinji likes from the playlist here. Genesis, Meat Loaf and Procol Harum. Procol Harum were one of the first bands to really bring classical influence into rock music and step away from blues influence with Whiter Shade Of Pale. Whiter Shade is considered to be based off of Air by Bach, so again fits in with Evangelion in it's own little way.

Chapter 12: Sound Of Contact

Sound Of Contact is the name of a band with one album to their name, the band does/feature Phil Collins son Simon on the drums and they released an album called Dimensionaut which is wonderful. Unfortunately they've broken up so a second album won't happen. Shame. I picked this as a title because this is Shinji and Kaworu making contact for the first time, it seemed apt.

Chapter 13: Realization

Asuka, Rei, Shinji, Kaworu... They're all the same in many ways aren't they? Each of them makes similar mistakes but reacts differently to it and this is the chapter where Rei especially begins to realize this.

The name of this chapter comes from the Ayreon album The Human Equation, it's actually one of the last songs of the album. The album is about a man who is in a car accident and whilst comatose becomes lost within his own mind, he meets personified versions of his emotions who guide him through his life and his mistakes to see what led him to the unpleasant individual he is today. Amazing album, highly recommended and has a great cast.

Chapter 14: Suitable Ground For The Blues

This chapter title is a King Crimson track, chosen because of the new Fuyutsuki delivers within the chapter. It's pretty much what it says it is, it's suitable grounds for them to be upset. I picked this truly because of name along but it isn't the only King Crimson reference in the chapter.

The song Kaworu is listening to is Epitaph by King Crimson from their first album. The song is sung by the late Greg Lake who would later go on to be part of Emerson, Lake & Palmer. It's a beautiful little ballad, from what is generally considered to be the first true prog rock album.

So that is it for the first 14 chapters. When the fic is complete I'll go through and cover the other chapters but I just thought it might be interesting to do something like this. I mean it possibly wasn't, I don't know.

jcmoorehead · May 7, 2018

2nd October 2021 – Shinji Ikari
It is a fairly warm day and I'm currently sat on my own in a small café near to the space we're using to rehearse in. We've just finished another practice session and I'm relaxing here with a warm cup of tea and my cello and backpack sat at my feet.

I look around and see it's fairly busy for this time of the day, I suppose people are wanting to enjoy the little glimpses of warmer weather before it moves fully into Autumn. It is a variety of people out from businessmen and women on a break from work, students or the general population just out and about. Some of them are with a friend, some in groups or just on their own, not a single one of them looks at me as they go about their business, not a single one glances at me or notices me. No one here knows who I am.

I... I do not feel afraid of these people as I sit here and sip my tea. I feel calm and safe here just as I always should have done. These people don't know who I am, they have never known who I am but for several years I've lived with that fear that someone or all of them will know. I've lived myself thinking that one day the world will wake up and know who Shinji Ikari was and all know of what it was he had done.

This is not the first time I have noticed the freeing of myself from that fear. It's been happening more and more recently. As I've been going to and from rehearsals, as I've been spending more time talking to others I find I'm no longer as afraid as I used to be. I'm finding I no longer have that reliance on needing a friend with me when I go out. I am... I'm fine.

Although, I do know that this feeling may only be temporary and I need to ready myself for that. I need to know how to fight it, I know that there will be moments where I feel that fear again. It might happen when I'm in a store and I suddenly see someone out of the corner of my eye, it might happen when I'm on a crowded street or waiting for a bus of the train. I might feel that anxiety come back to me but I am trying, and I am getting better at fighting it.

As I slowly start to combat one worry it is replaced by another. A more understandable one perhaps, the upcoming concert is making me nervous. Rehearsals so far are going well; all of the group get along fine and we are managing to progress with learning the songs and arrangements without much difficulty. There are times when one or a couple of us might make a mistake but we will get it under control.

I know on my end there are a few tricky sections to watch out for in some of the songs but I am practicing a lot at home so should be able to get it right. I even have something of an audience, Rei will sit and listen to me play and compare it to the original and she is even recording my playing to send to Asuka. It's not exactly the live audience of a couple of a thousand or so we're expecting when we put on the show but it is something.

I am worried about performing in front of an audience though. I've never done something like that before. Back when I started playing my teacher did try to get me to play for the class but I never wanted to. It was probably the only thing I refused to do, I was quite content to just practice on my own.

I guess I was worried about what would happen to me if I did though. I never really had friends when I went to that school, I was always seen as a bit of a weird kid because of my family history. People spoke about me behind my back in whispers. There were rumours about my father and what sort of person I was.

I guess it's no surprise I have issues with being fearful of people now. Even without what had happened five years ago it would probably still have been a problem.

So, I was worried that me doing such a thing, playing a cello, not exactly a fashionable activity would lead to me being bullied, more so than I was. Things will be different in November though, I'm not performing in front of a class of school children. I'm on stage in a theater, with a group and performing to an audience who wants to be there, who paid to be there.

Amongst those people will be people I know too, people who have given so much love and support over the last few years. My family, Misato and Rei. Although I might not be blood related to Misato she has been more of a parent to me than anyone else I've been put in the care of over the course of my life.
Rei, my sister, who has struggled over the last five years to find out who she truly is but has always been there for me.

My close friends, Touji, Kensuke and Hikari will be there. They were the first proper friends I had in my life. It was rough to start off with but they have all helped me so much and been there for me.

Finally, two more people will be there, people I haven't seen for a long time. Both of which I didn't expect to ever see again. Asuka... The girl I fell in love with many years ago, we had a... complicated friendship when she was here. I couldn't understand her and I don't think she could understand me. We both hurt each other and when she left five years ago I never thought I'd see her again.

Kaworu is the other person I never expected to see again. Kaworu died, people don't normally come back after death... well except for Asuka, Misato and Ritsuko but that was different, they were killed just on the cusp of Third Impact. Kaworu wasn't, he was killed days before so surely, he wouldn't have been caught up in it, right?

I guess it's too much for me to understand, maybe someone smarter like Ritsuko would make sense of it but does it matter about why? The fact is that he has returned and I will be seeing him again in December. I need to prepare for that, I just hope that things are... better between us by that time.

I do feel bad about upsetting him the other day. I... never wanted to upset anyone, I hate the idea that I could have been responsible for hurting someone. I hate being hurt myself so the idea of me doing that to someone else upsets me. Most of the time if I'm upset with someone or annoyed with something I'll just not say anything, I'll keep it bottled up.

I have argued and disagreed with people in the past. I've had arguments with Rei, Misato and when she was here Asuka but I hated it. I always felt awful afterwards and I was also the first to apologize even if I wasn't at fault.

This is how I feel about the situation with Kaworu. I feel awful for upsetting him and being angry at him even though I know I am justified in being upset and angry at him. Everyone understands why I'm that way, even Asuka understands that and she is his friend. When Kaworu spoke to me even he understood that.

What he did to me all those years ago hurt me, in fact it went beyond hurting me. His actions, whether he meant it or not pushed me to a point lower than I had ever been before. I realize now that it was not just his betrayal and then revealing himself to be an Angel that hurt me, it was the fact that he made me kill him. Kaworu... knowing what it was like to pilot an Eva asked me to kill him, after already hurting me he made me do that.

I felt every part of it as well. I could feel his body within the grasp of Unit 01s hand as if it was within my own hand. I could feel it as his body was crushed leaving barely a trace of it to clean away from the hand of that damn Evangelion. I don't think that he, no I don't think that anyone could ever understand how that felt. No one should ever have to understand it.

I have thought about those moments so many times. I have had nightmares about it and since I was told of his return I've had more. A part of me always wanted to be forgiven for having to kill him and another part of me always felt that it should have been me rather than him. I even felt like I should have been punished for killing another human, despite him not actually being human.

Kaworu returning was something I never prepared myself for. It was not something I ever imagined unlike the idea of Asuka making contact again. To me the idea of Kaworu returning would have been similar to the idea of seeing my father again, it just wasn't something that was going to happen. So, I don't really know how to handle it.

I guess, now that I've had time to think about it I know that I want to hear him out properly. I want to try to forgive him if I can. I don't want to hate someone, I don't want to go my life being angry at someone and I know... there is more to his story than I know. I just... I wasn't ready to hear it when I call him. When I heard his voice, when I heard him try to explain I got scared, I just couldn't handle it. So, I did what I do best, I ran away.

I know that I should speak to Asuka about it all properly too. I've been avoiding doing that since it happened though. I'm worried that Asuka is going to be mad at me, I'd understand it if she was. After all, I did upset her friend, if someone had upset someone like Rei then I'd be mad at them too. In fact, I was, I upset Rei the other week and spent a good amount of time being angry at myself.

I pick up my phone and scroll to Asuka's contact page. I hesitate as my thumb hovers over the call button. In the back of my mind I can already hear that voice telling me this is pointless, that she is probably angry at me and doesn't want to hear from me.

I hate that voice so much. My thumb makes contact with the screen and I wait for her to answer. It rings a couple of times and then she answers, "Hello, Shinji?"

"H-Hey Asuka, are you okay?"

"Yeah, pretty good. I was going to call you later on today actually!"

She doesn't sound mad at me when she speaks, I allow myself a little sigh of relief.

"Oh!" I reply to her, "I just... I know Rei already spoke to you but I thought I should apologize for upsetting Kaworu the other day."

"Really?" I can hear the confusion in her voice. I guess she probably doesn't think I have anything to apologize for.

I nod my head, "Y-Yeah... I... I shouldn't have contacted him immediately after you suggested it. I... I wasn't ready so... I'm sorry."

"You're right... you shouldn't have done..." Asuka lets out a sigh, "But I guess I can't blame you for being impulsive we all have our moments."

"I know but... I should have known better." I offer in reply before following up, "Also... I spoke to my teacher, I was able to get tickets put aside so if he wants to be here in December then... I'm happy to have him here."

There is a bit of a lengthy pause and I start to wonder if maybe the call has been dropped, I hear a small amount of shuffling from the other side indicating she is still there though, "Asuka?"

"I see..." She finally speaks, "That's good but... there has been a... problem."

Her voice has gone quiet and little familiar worries come rushing back to me. Has something happened to her? Does she not want to come anymore? Did something happen between herself and Kaworu? She sounded happy a moment ago and then I mentioned Kaworu and all of a sudden that was lost. Did he hurt her in some way?

I don't get a chance to ask anything myself. Asuka speaks again, only this time there is anger in her voice, "Kaworu has been told he can't go to Japan."

I wait for a follow up to her words, for her to reveal maybe this was some weird joke that I just haven't understood. The anger in her voice tells me that this is no joke and no follow up actually comes. Instead I sit in silence trying to fully grasp the meaning of what she has said.

"What do you mean?" I finally ask.

"Exactly what I said!" She replies instantly, the anger in her voice replaced by annoyance, "Kaworu has been told he can't go to Japan!"

"I know that but... why?" I ask her. I still don't really understand, why would Kaworu be unable to come to Japan. Who would stop him from coming over? This doesn't make sense.

I hear Asuka let out a sigh, "They, the UN Security Council have decided they don't trust him. Actually, they have never done, they don't believe he is fully human yet and think he is still up to something. So, they've said no. I was going to call you and tell you later."

"So... Does that mean Kaworu won't be coming?" I ask her.

She replies instantly, "No, Kaworu WILL be coming!"

"but you just said..."

She interrupts me, "I know what I said, but what I said has happened and what is going to happen are different things. Kaworu will be coming to Japan in December. You said you wanted him there, right?"

"What do you mean?" I can already hear her annoyance as soon as the words leave my lips.

"Do you want Kaworu to be there in December? Do you actually want to see him again? Do you feel comfortable with the idea of having him there? After the other day I need to know, otherwise there is no point..."

I take a moment to think about it. I've already said to her I want him there, I've already put aside a ticket but I actually think about it properly. Do I genuinely want him there? Would I be better off not seeing him? I feel like I should discuss this with Rei or Misato first but it also seems like I don't have that luxury. I have to go with what I said before, yes, I do want him there.

"Shinji?"

Asuka's impatient prompting brings me back to reality, I feel myself nod again, "I... Yes, I would."

"Yeah I..." I pause for a moment, even if I didn't want him here it wouldn't be right for me to say no. He has the right to come here, doesn't he?

"I know it didn't go well the other day but... I trust what you've told me. If you say he is worth listening to and you're his friend then... I can't say no. It'd be unfair."

"Good, that makes the next part a little bit easier then." Asuka pauses and I get a strange feeling of dread, "I told him and Fuyutsuki that me and you would get the security council to see sense and let him travel."

"Oh, okay then." I smile, that sounds reasonable and I start to lift my tea to my lips to take another sip. The rim of the cup reaches my lips and then I realize exactly what it is Asuka has just said. I slowly set the cup down with a horrified look on my face, "Wait... WHAT?"

"I said the Security Council would be made to see sense!"

"No, before that!"

"I was just making sure you wanted him over here." She expertly avoids the part I mean.

"Not that part, between you asking me and saying that they'd see sense, you said... me and... you?"

"Oh... Yeah I... Told Kaworu and Fuyutsuki that me and you would get them to see sense..."

She actually sounds sheepish when she says it, I on the other hand feel fear, "Me... and you?"

"Yes! I mean... I could of course do it all by myself, I am more than capable." She boasts to me, "But... I figured I didn't want there to be any risks, they might still refuse to hear me out. You know what old men can be like. I figured having two pilots there would be better than one and ensure they can't refuse."

"I-I see..." Her words make sense but do little to make me feel any less scared.

"It's not even like you'd have to do much, just follow my lead and it'll be fine. You know, just like you did when we beat the Ninth Angel, just there will be less acid I suppose."

I have nothing to offer in reply to that, I can feel my heart pounding rapidly in my chest with each word. What she is saying does make sense but... I can't do something like that. Even if I did follow her lead I'd probably still mess it up. This isn't like piloting an Eva, this is... so different. I mean, I messed up speaking to Kaworu so how can I possibly do this?

"I... I don't know if I can Asuka..." I admit to her and lower my head in shame. I'm being truthful though, I really don't know if I could do something like this.

I expect her to reply immediately and angrily, I expect to hear her shout at me and tell me to be a man. I'm being unfair on her but I can hear her old voice from years ago, asking me if I'm stupid or what kind of man I am. She doesn't do any of that though, I hear that shuffling sound on the phone again and I speak again, "I'm sorry Asuka but..."

I'm cut off, "Please... Shinji I... I can't do this alone."

Her reply surprises me and she continues, "I... I'm frightened I'll mess it up. I... Me and you... When we worked together, when we fought together there was nothing that could stop us. It'll... It'll be the same this time... I... I need you."

My mouth goes dry and the rapid beating of my heart continues, "But... I wouldn't know what to do or say. I don't really know who Kaworu is, how could I help?"

"How should I know? You think I have any idea of what to do or say either?" She asks me, "I don't know Shinji, I don't know what to do but I'm not going to let them do this. We just have to show he can be trusted right? We need them to see he is human and that we want him to be there. Think about who we are, we were hurt the most by what happened, so if we can say he can be trusted then... they'll have to take notice, won't they?"

"I... I guess... Do you really think I can help?"

"I know you can." She answers me, "Shinji you... You know who I am, you know how much I hate asking for help but... I need your help, please... I can't do this alone."

A part of me is still pulling to say no, to turn it down. I'm scared that I'll mess this up somehow but if she needs my help then how can I really say no?

"Okay I... I'll do what I can."

"Thank you."

jcmoorehead · May 10, 2018

Rei Ayanami
I feel a deep sense of unease as I step through the security checkpoint and look towards a waiting Misato. I do not yet know why she has asked me to come to this place. All she has told me is that there are some things here for me to see. There has been no indication of what these things might be as of yet.

I have tried to figure out just what it might be that is here but on the journey to this place I was unable to do so. I cannot imagine where might be left here for me in this city that I once called my home, in this city that was once my prison.

By all rights there should not be anything left of myself here. My apartment and meagre belongings were destroyed. The laboratories within NERV that I was created and raised in were also surely destroyed too. As far as I can see there is nothing left for me here, so why am I here? What could they possibly have found that has any relevance to me?

As I walk towards Misato I look around my environment. We currently sit on the outskirts of what was once Tokyo-3. The land here is tinged with a burnt red and the scenes before me show nothing but abandoned and half destroyed buildings. Most curious of all is that nature does not seem to have dared to reclaim any of this land, perhaps it is allowing the city to remain as a permanent scar upon the Earth, serving as a reminder to humanity of the mistakes it once made.

Truthfully, I am surprised that anything is left at all of this place. That which the JSSDF did not destroy when they attacked us must surely have been destroyed when I completed the forbidden union of Lilith and Adam within myself. Third Impact saw the Black Moon rise up, there should not be anything here. Still I would not dare to try and understand the strange sciences and logic at play on that day. Perhaps I should not focus on how or why this is, and just accept that it Is the way it is.

With each step I get a strange feeling within myself, as if there is something or someone watching over me. It is a familiar feeling but one I have not felt in many years. I try to ignore it, it is surely just my mind playing tricks on me as a result of my presence in this place.

Misato nods at me and we move towards a large 4x4 and get inside. The driver greets Misato and she tells him that we are ready to get moving. I put my seatbelt on just as the vehicle starts to pull away, ahead of us is another 4x4 and a there is a third one behind us. I look from the window to Misato, "Why am I here?"

As I ask her I see us pass a still standing building housing a familiar sight. It is a small café, I came here once with Shinji and Asuka. I had green tea and tried Black Forest gateaux for the first time. I believe I also had pocky for the first time on that day. That was day was a warm day but overcast with grey clouds, my memories of it are nice and it brings me sadness to see the state of the café now.

Misato speaks as our journey continues, "We found something when we were exploring NERV, a few things actually."

"And these things concern me?" I ask.

She nods, "Most of it, yes. The other thing... It'd be best to see if for yourself, I... I don't know if you will understand it but at the moment you're one of the only ones who could. I can't really say more until we arrive there unfortunately."

Her words pique my curiosity and I begin to wonder what could be down there. Nothing is coming to mind, as it was I had very few possessions. I am even more curious to learn about what this other thing is. It is somewhat frustrating that Misato cannot tell me now, but I understand the many layers of security in place.

I wonder what could be left of the NERV building, if these things concern me then I assume they were found in my old rooms amidst the lower levels. This means the laboratories that I was born in and visited frequently for checkups and testing, it means the Dummy Plug facility that was also home to the spare bodies of mine, it means the room that acted as a perfect mirror of my own apartment.

I am fearful of seeing any of those things again, unlike the memories of the café the ones I have of those places are not pleasant. The memories of needles and sickness, of lies and secrets, the memories of the tests and being made to stand naked in large tanks whilst I was poked and prodded. Worst of all are the memories of him, the father who abandoned his son, and the father who created a daughter from the ashes of his wife only to use it as a tool for his own gain. I do not wish to be here.

I suddenly feel a warm hand on top of mine, it squeezes it gently and I turn to see Misato smiling at me, "I'm sorry to bring you back to this place Rei, I know it is probably the last place you would want to be right now."

"That is true." I admit to her, "But... I know what you are doing is important and if I can aid in that I will do so. I would not want to put a barrier in your way."

Our journey continues in silence for a couple more minutes and Misato speaks to me again, "How does it feel for you, to be back here?"

"It makes me feel uneasy." I answer as I once again feel that strange sensation of someone watching me, "I did not expect there to be anything left of the city or NERV itself. Nor did I think I would ever return here, it makes me feel... uneasy."

She nods, "I know what you mean, we saw this whole thing be destroyed, it isn't... natural for it to be like this."

There is a pause before she speaks again, "To tell you the truth, I didn't ever want to come back here either. When we first started looking into this I had hoped there would be nothing left but a hole in the ground. I didn't want to come back."

Her words confuse me, as far as I was aware she had to go to a lot of effort to get the opportunity to come back here. Surely, she must have wanted to do so, "Then why did you come back?"

She shrugs, "It's something I've been asking myself for a while. I could have left it alone and not gotten involved but... I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Fear, I was scared that if they found something here then they wouldn't do the right thing with it, that it could lead to something bad happening. At least with me here I can try to make sure that doesn't happen... I can protect people."

"I see."

She lets out a sigh, "I guess... A part of me also got caught up believing that there might have been something here that could help the world."

"It is understandable, do you no longer believe that?"

She shakes her head, "No, I don't. I'm starting to agree with Ritsuko, I think anything we do find should be destroyed. Humanity can go on without the things that NERV created."

I contemplate her words as the car continues its journey through the city. I have noticed that we are now travelling downwards into the main Geofront itself, we move through a series of tunnels and I can see the vast underground space before me. There is a wide hole above where the centre of the city once stood, allowing sunlight to pour into the chamber.

From this point I can see the lake, now much wider than it used to be after the large number of battles that took place in and around it. Other relics of battle litter the landscape, fallen farmhouses and torn up fields. At the edge of the lake is the gigantic form of the NERV pyramid. My stomach twists into a knot as I lay my eyes on it for the first time in years.

"It is… intact, such a thing is impossible."

I turn to Misato to see her nod, "I know… We all thought the same thing."

As we creep closer the various things I was feeling intensify, the unease, the fear and the feeling of something watching. I wish I could leave but I cannot, I have to see this through now. Thankfully we soon arrive at the security checkpoint, we are moved through it.

Much like the parts of the city that remain intact I do not understand how this building is here. I saw the roof of it get torn off during Third Impact. The insides of it were blown apart and damaged by whatever the JSSDF did to it. How can it be that it is still standing as if nothing had been done at all? Was this perhaps Shinji's doing when he decided to allow us to return? Was it my doing when I became that being?

We step inside the building, armed guards flanking us further adding to my feelings of unease. Misato recognizing this places a calming hand on my back and motions for the guards to adjust their distance to us. As we start to move through the corridors I feel some slight relief to see the interiors are still in some disrepair.

Finally we come to one of the elevators, we step inside and I watch as Misato selects one of the lower floors. It was as I suspected, we are going down to those rooms.

"You know where we are going don't you?" She asks me, a look of concern on her face.

I nod my head, "Yes."

"Are you scared?"

"Yes." I answer.

Misato moves close and puts an arm around me pulling me into a hug, "I understand."

A few moments later the elevator comes to a stop and the door slides open slowly. I take a deep breath as I follow Misato and the guards out into the corridor. The feelings I have had since I arrived in the city are more intense now, as I take those tentative steps forward I hear a voice in my head, almost mocking me.

'Welcome home'

I try to focus on what might be waiting for me in this building. We seem to be going towards my former quarters but I do not know what could be there that would concern me. In addition I do not know what this thing is that Misato and the others cannot figure out. Any knowledge I had concerning NERV has already been shared with Misato and others, I do not know what possible help I could be.

We finally reach the door to what was the room made to mirror my home. Misato says something to the man guarding it and shows him her security pass. I show him mine and he lets the two of us into the room. I cross the threshold into the room itself, feeling sick as I do so. I take a quick look around, this place is exactly as I remember it. Every single detail from the look, the temperature and even the smell is as I remember.

I take a moment to silently wander around. In the back corner I can see the bed, the set of drawers with tablets and a jug of water placed on top, the dirty clothing and screen surrounding it. I feel embarrassed to think that I once lived like that. To think that I allowed myself to live in such conditions and not care. I did what was functional, I showered because I was instructed to, I cleaned clothes because I was instructed to, and I wore clothes because I was instructed to. Those things, they never mattered to me, I was not human. I was something that had been programmed.

In other parts of the room are worktops and carts with powered down computers and other medical equipment. I ignore them and wander over to the bed. To my surprise I see a number of things laid out on top of the bed, things I recognize but had forgotten about.

"Is this what you wanted me to see?" I turn to look at Misato as I ask her the question.

Misato nods, "Part of it, the other thing is out of this room but… I wanted you to see this first."

My hands are trembling as I look and pick up the first items on the bed. A small stack of A4 drawings that I had done over the years. To the right of them is a pink stuffed bear. I feel tears well up in my eyes as I look at the first drawing in the pile.

"You did these, right?" Misato asks me as I slowly look through the drawings. I recognize each and every one of them and I feel a smile come to my face as a tear slowly rolls down my cheek. The ones on top are from when I was very young, when I was in my first body. They are very typical drawings that would be done by a human child. Stick figures of me and the commander in a house, a sun drawn in the top with a smiley face. Some of them curiously have a third person, a brother that I had dreamed of and one that I didn't know I had back then.

I continue to go through them, and now see the drawings I made when I was in my second body. These are portraits, much more realistic than the childlike drawings of before. The first few are of myself and people I knew in the area. I remember they would sit for me to make these, there is one of Commander Ikari, one of Ritsuko and another of Fuyutsuki. Other pictures are ones I did from memory, they show Misato, Asuka and Shinji. I set the papers down and see Misato looking at me as I wipe away another tear.

"You were very good, I had no idea you were so talented."

I feel myself blush at her comment, "I never told you or anyone… I… keep it to myself mostly but I do still draw. I… I like to teach the kids art when I work at the school."

"I see."

"Thank you… for showing me this." I say as I now look towards the stuffed bear. I pick it up and squish it slightly in my hands. This was given to me as a 'present' by the commander. It served me well in my first body but I had no use for it in my second and I suppose I have little use for it now. This bear is a relic and not one I want. I have no place for this anyway, I have stuffed toys, gifts given to me by friends and loved ones.

Still… this toy is in good condition and it would be a shame to see such a thing left. Despite it no longer having purpose for me it could still have a purpose for someone else. This could make another child happy.

"I will keep all of this."

Misato nods again, "Very well. I will see to it that it is all packaged up for us when we return. If you are ready, I will take you to the other thing now."

I place the toy back down on the bed and follow her back out of the room. I feel her arm around me again as we walk and I try to not let my mind wander as to what might be waiting for me. The feelings I felt before have only gotten more intense, not helped by the wave of emotion I felt at seeing my childhood drawings and stuffed bear.

We continue towards another elevator which I know leads further down into Terminal Dogma. We will be travelling past the Dummy Plug facility, where my spares were kept and then destroyed. We will pass through the graveyard containing bodies of failed Evangelions. The knot in my stomach tightens.

"When we came back to this place, the first thing people were really interested in seeing was Terminal Dogma." Misato explains as we step into the elevator, "I suppose it makes sense. That was where NERVs darkest secrets were kept. We couldn't get down there immediately but we can now."

"What were you hoping to find down there?"

"Me personally? Nothing, I was hoping we would find nothing down there." She answers, "Unfortunately we did find something but… we don't know what it is. Ritsuko won't have anything to do with this place now and the rest of us don't know. We haven't got the MAGI online so we can't identify it."

"Why do you think I can help?"

She shakes her head, "Aside from Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki you know more about this place than any of us. You know more about… what this might be than any of us. As I said Ritsuko won't entertain the idea of anything and Fuyutsuki is in Germany, we can't risk transmitting anything to him, if it's intercepted by the media then they can stir something up."

"I understand." I nod, "Although I am not sure I will be able to help you. I will… do what I can."

As we get lower the feeling of a presence intensifies. It is not what I used to feel from Lilith but something else entirely. I do not understand how I can be feeling such things though, I am human now. Strangely the presence has a warmth to it, it seems to not want me to be afraid. I wonder though if it is just my imagination.

This elevator comes to a stop and we make our way out into the darker corridors of Terminal Dogma. I feel my body shiver, the last time I was here was on the day of Third Impact. I reach out for Misatos hand and grip it firmly as we move forward. We are still flanked by the security personnel and I can feel their unease as well.

It is not long before we come to the large double doors that once housed Lilith. Could it be that Lilith has somehow returned? No, that cannot be and if it was they would not need me. Still, there is something there, this presence I am sensing, it is behind these doors.

The doors slowly open revealing the inside, I audibly gasp at the sight before me. Ahead of me is the walkway up to the giant cross that Lilith was bound to. Lilith is not on the cross but something else is, it seems to be embedded into the structure.

I step closer to see it is a circular object held in place by a white pillar that surrounds the structure and spreads into the LCL surrounding the platform. As I get closer I can make up more details on the disk, I can see two identical shapes on it, no, not shapes but… creatures, embryonic creatures. There is what seems to be a rounded head, with an eye situated in the middle, the body extends out and spirals around itself. Both creatures are identical and seem to be joined in some way.

"This is it." Misato speaks, "We found it when we first came down here. We tried to get close but it's surrounded by some sort of A.T. Field. We don't know what it is or where it came from."
As I stand before it I feel that presence once again and I look towards the strange object. I feel like the eyes are looking directly at me but I sense no malice from it. Instead I feel something else, a sense of… gratitude. My mouth slowly opens in shock as I come to realize what this is, I understand why this is here.

I had forgotten over the years but now I remember. These beings were once separate but I brought them together. I felt them within me, I saw what they were, I saw their lives, I saw their purpose and I saw a glimpse of the ones who originally created them. Most of it I can no longer remember but I know what they are.

I smile, the fear is gone, "I… I understand."

I now understand what this presence is that I have been feeling. It is from this, it is from this union of the two beings. The former seeds of life that are now as one. They have been trying to express themselves to me all this time. In a way this is beautiful, these two beings that should not have been able to co-exist are now as one.

Misato looks at me with a look of confusion, "Do you know what this is?"

I nod my head, "It is… Adam and Lilith, unified as they were on Third Impact."

A look of fear spreads across her face, "Adam and Lilith? Are you sure?"

I nod again, "Yes but… they do not mean us any harm. Instead I believe they wish to… thank us. We have given them what they wanted, we have freed them from their loneliness, they are together… as one."

She still looks confused, "You know all of this?"

"On the day of Third Impact I unified the two of them, I saw their loneliness and that they wanted to end it. I do not know how but perhaps they learned through us how to accomplish that, they learned that much like humans they too could co-exist without hurting one another, now they live as one."

"I… I… See, so… what…. What do we do?" She asks me, "I mean… How do we explain this…? What about NERV and the city, I mean… this is… complicated."

"I do not know what you should do." I answer he honestly, "But I believe we should leave them be. I think… leaving the city as it is would be the best thing. Humanity has nothing to fear from them any longer and… we should not give them a reason to fear us."

Misato looks at the two beings, "So… we should leave them be? Can we communicate with them at all?"

"Yes."

"Very well… I will… Think of something to say in my report." She turns towards the door, "Thank you Rei."

jcmoorehead · May 28, 2018

5th October 2021 – Misato Katsuragi
"So, this is really it then?" She asks me, "You're actually going to turn around and tell them to walk away? You... are actually going to walk away from it as well?"

I can see the suspicion in her eyes as she speaks, I can hear it in her words and I know exactly what lives behind that suspicion. She needs to know that what I have said to her is the honest truth and after everything she has experiences I can't quite blame her for not believing me.

Ritsuko saw the huge amount of work and effort I put into getting this project going. Ritsuko was the first person I confided in when I told her of my plans and she was also the one who objected to it the most. She never wanted this to happen, she always said that it was best leaving that place untouched and when it came down to it, she was right. I had it when she is right.

I nod my head in confirmation and also go about setting my now empty coffee cup down on the table. As I do so her cat sprinting over to me, it puts its paws up on the table making my attempt to set the cup down somewhat difficult.

"Yes, It's true." I tell her.

I finally set the cup down just as the cat leaps up onto the table. If sniffs at the rim of the cup wondering if perhaps the substance that was within might be suitable for a cat. It then sniffs at my hand for a moment. Its curiosity satisfied it rubs its head firmly against my hand, demanding attention from me. I tickle the animal under its chain as we continue our conversation.

"I guess you were right all along Ritsuko, we never should have gone down there." I explain, "There was nothing for us and as you saw, what we did find we were probably better off not finding."

To my surprise Ritsuko shakes her head, "I'm not so sure about that."

"Oh?"

"I objected to you going there for personal reasons and because I was scared of it. There is nothing in that place anymore for me but memories, bad memories of all the mistakes I made. I feared the ghosts of my past that lived there, that maybe they would come back to haunt me in some way." Ritsuko admits, "But... From a more rational and logical standpoint going back in made sense. Your reasons for doing so made sense, to prevent others from making a mistake with what might be salvaged. Even then it is not just about what could be salvages."
She pauses to sip her coffee, "There could have been survivors there or something dangerous that we needed to know about. In the end the right course of action was to go back and you certainly should have been the one to do it."

I feel a smile come to my lips, "Thank you and... thank you for actually agreeing to help us. I know and understand you wanted to remain distant from it all."

"Remaining distant was an impossible task," She sets her cup down, "As long as I do not need to travel to the place then all will be fine. Besides this is... an important find, it would be irresponsible of me to not do what I can. How are the others taking it?"

I shrug, "It's mixed so far, same as it has been throughout the entire project. They didn't really want to believe it at first. They accused Rei of lying or just being wrong."

"I meant Rei and Shinji..."

"Oh!" I shake my head, "Rei seems to be okay with it it, a little bit disturbed and I... I haven't told Shinji yet. I will but... I don't really know what to say. I barely know what it is myself. I'm not a scientist I'm just someone who once told people to blow stuff up and then told others where to go and what to pick up."

"You're downplaying your own abilities there Misato." She smiles, "We're only alive because of some of the things you said. I'm sure you'll be fine at telling Shinji."

"I guess..." I let out a sigh, "It's just he... he has his own concerns with the concert coming up and of course him speaking to Asuka again, I know he'll be nervous about seeing her."

Mentioning Asuka's name draws a surprised look from Ritsuko, "So she has actually remained in contact with him?"

"She has." I nod my head, "I still... wish I could have done more for her. I feel like it was my fault she left, I never really treated her the same as Shinji and when I took Rei in she got more of the attention. Asuka was..."

Ritsuko looks at me and nods, "You made mistakes with Asuka."

"Yes, I did." I admit, "When she said she was strong and an adult I believed her.... No, that isn't true, I didn't believe her, not really. I knew she was hurting, how could she not be but it was easier and more convenient to just let her do her own thing."

I have had these thoughts many times but I've never really been able to speak them out loud. I don't really know why I'm saying it to Ritsuko now either. She isn't the one who needs to hear this, it's Asuka who does.

"Tell that to her then." Ritsuko speaks up, as if reading my mind, "Same as I did to Maya when I saw her again. Admit your mistakes and move forward."

"I will." I look down, now is not the time for this discussion, we have gotten sidetracked enough. I'm not here to chat about Shinji and Asuka, I'm supposed to be briefing Ritsuko on what we found and her role in this.

"We should discuss what we found. I know Maya has already told you but I should probably give you a more official version."

I reach into my satchel and pull out a handful of papers and set them down on the table, taking care to avoid the cat. I see Ritsukos eyes widen at what she sees.

"We have designated it FAR3, other suggestions were Adlith or Lilam, both of which, as I'm sure you'd agree sound stupid."

She nods, "You have of course confirmed what it is then?"

"Yes, we were able to bring in equipment to create a proper 3D scan of it. We could separate the two forms and see that one was an exact match for the embryonic form of Adam. We were of course unable to confirm Lilliths embryonic form as we had not encountered that." I pause, "It was Maya who did that."

Ritsuko gives a small smile of pride, "Oh?"

"She modified some of the systems we were using down there, originally we were looking for orange of blue blood patterns thinking. It was based on the UN early warning systems set up outside of NERV."

Ritsuko gives a nod, "Reasonable."

"But... NERV wasn't exactly forthcoming with the UN about other potential patterns. Probably to avoid questions like, 'Why is there a progenitor of life in your basement'? Maya did have knowledge of other patterns so was able to expand the range. Right away it picked up the hybrid as blood pattern red."

"She really is something special that girl." Ritsuko nods, "So. I suppose you'll need me for further tests that won't risk agitating the being."
I nod, "Something like that, something to ensure but it and our safety as well might be useful."

She lets out a sigh, "I shall... do what I can. I'm not making any promises though but I think I might be able to modify some of the old Eva tech to produce something. We lost a lot of it but there were other facilities that produced parts which we could use. After this though... I am done and so are you."

"Agreed... After this we both walk away. I just... I want to make sure this is done properly. I don't trust them to make the right decision. Unless I'm there then they'll either try to destroy it or use it. I need someone like you there to examine it, to learn about it and the risks. After that... no more involvement, it's truly over."

"Good." She nods, "In which case I'll help."

"Thank you."

"And after this, then what happens?"

I shake my head, "I don't really know. I don't want to be involved in this for much longer. I can't take all this bureaucratic crap any longer, it's just meetings about setting up further meetings without getting anything done. I just... I want to leave this behind and... maybe take a break for myself and actually spend some time with Shinji and Rei."

I lower my head, "I just haven't been there enough for them recently."

"You've done what you can Misato, all things considered you've done a good job with them."

Once again, the thought of how I failed Asuka flashes through my mind, "I've done nothing, I've just given them a place to live, they've done most of the work. Me? I'm useless, I can't cook, I can't really talk to them, I...."

Again, I shake my head, "This isn't important right now we should go and I'll introduce you to the team you'll be working with."

We both get up from our seats and move out of the front door of her house and we move towards my car. I feel significantly lighter than when I arrived here today. Having Ritsuko on board for this will make things that little bit easier.

jcmoorehead · May 31, 2018

9th October 2021 – Shinji Ikari

Today I feel a fear and nervousness that I haven't felt in quite some time. It's different to how I've been feeling for the past five years, it isn't a fear of people recognizing me, no this is a fear similar to how I felt before I would pilot. I feel unease in the pit of my stomach, I'm sweating and I keep pacing back and forth.

I'm not prepared to do this today but I can't back out, I can't run away. I just wish we had more time to figure this out, I wish we had been told more of what would be expected. Instead we were given very little and with it we were able to produce very little. When I spoke to Misato she warned me this is how it was likely to be, she gave me a few questions that she would ask me but said it might not represent what they ask.

I feel weird for being so scared and nervous, it's not as if my life is at risk or the fate of the world is at stake. If I fail then nothing changes for me. No, it's just the fate of a single person, to help them actually be able to live a proper life. Their future is in my hands, no pressure at all.

I feel sick.

I take a deep breath and try to remember that I won't be alone in this. Asuka will be playing her part in this as well, it isn't all on my shoulders. Fuyutsuki is doing what he can too. It isn't just down to me, and yet I feel like it is. I feel like if this doesn't work then I'll be at fault. Ironically, I feel like if we succeed then it'll be because of Asuka.

I wish I could travel there with Misato and Rei but they will both be meeting me there. Apparently, they wanted us to travel separately for some reason. Both of them have been supportive in this though which did surprise me, especially Misato.

I could tell it was difficult for her when I told her what I was going to do. I know what Kaworu must represent to her. Kaworu was not only the last Angel who betrayed me, the one she took in as her own son but he also represents the beings that killed her father. I feel like a part of her wanted me to have no part of this but she fought it.

I know that must have been difficult for her. The Angels were at times her personal white whale. She sworn revenge on them, she let her own crusade get in the way of her judgement. She put lives at risk for it. She wanted to see them all die because of what they had done to her. It really can't have been easy for her to accept this.

It seemed to be important to Rei as well. She asked if there was anything she could do but it seemed the security council didn't want her getting involved. I'm not sure why, we did ask but it seems they were only willing to hear from myself and Asuka. Rei however reminded me and Misato of what she used to be and how similar her upbringing was to Kaworu's. She mused that given more time perhaps the two could have been allies but it was not to be.

I am certain that Kaworu deserves a chance to live freely. We forgave Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko when they returned and they have had the chance to live their lives. He deserves the same. I would not want him to not have those options, regardless of what I did or didn't think of him.

I shuffle over to the mirror again in order to adjust my suit jacket sleeves. I'm not sure if maybe the jacket is too big for me but it just doesn't feel comfortable at all. I really dislike wearing it but I was told it'd be better to dress like this rather than how I'd usually dress. This is actually only the second time I've had to wear a suit; the first time wasn't a particularly happy occasion. It was on a day of remembrance held not too long after Third Impact.

I attended it along with Asuka, Rei and Misato. We had to sit through an uncomfortable speech about the bravery of the pilots who saved the world. We had to listen as names were read out and a statue dedicated to the fallen as unveiled. Afterwards me, Rei and Asuka were given medals in a private meeting with a government official. It was not a comfortable day or moment.

As I loosen my tie I hear a knock at the door. I immediately freeze up at the realization that this is it. There really is no turning back now, yet I look across at the open window and wonder if... No, I'm on the third floor. I close the window and make my way to the front door and open it. I almost gasp when I see the person standing across from me, our eyes meet for a moment and I have to fight every urge to not slam the door shut.

My eyes wander to the badge attached to his jacket. I see the logo of the security services there and underneath is his name. This is not some anonymous guard come to take me to the meeting today, standing across from me is a man named Hideaki, one of the violin players from our group.

"Shinji." He nods in greeting and gives me an almost embarrassed smile. I say nothing in reply and it seems that he recognized my discomfort, "I should... probably explain a few things, shouldn't I?"

All I can do is nod, I honestly don't know what to say. Hideaki is someone I have spoken to perhaps once or twice in the group. To be honest being around him makes me feel awkward, not so much because of who he is but because of his past. Hideaki lived in Tokyo-3, he had a wife and a son whilst he was there. His son was killed during one of the attacks on the city and shortly after that he started drinking heavily, he, lost his job, split up with his wife and his life had pretty much fallen apart

Third Impact came and went and Hideaki recovered to see that he has been given a second chance. He was able to reconcile with his wife and they even had a second child, a daughter. Hideaki got a new job and slowly started to rebuild his life. It was all of this that inspired him to learn to play the violin, his goal is to be able to compose a tribute to his son.

Naturally I felt awkward around him. I always wondered if he knew who I was and what I was. I always wondered if he blamed me and the other pilots for what happened. I always felt guilty about it, after all we were supposed to defend the people during the Angel attacks and we failed.

Before Hideaki can say anything else I finally find the ability to speak, "D-Do you know... who I am?"

Hideaki nods, "Yes, I've known who you were from the moment you introduced yourself in the first group session."

"O-Oh... And you... didn't say anything?"

"No." He shakes his head as he speaks, "I figured it would be best to not say anything. I figured you probably didn't want people to know something like that."

"I... I see..." I nod as I'm frozen to the spot, unable to move. I can feel myself sweating making this suit even more uncomfortable.

"Actually..." He continues, "I've known you for longer than that. You won't have known but I helped to protect you back in Tokyo-3."

It doesn't take me long to connect the dots, Hideaki must have been a member of Section Two. A member of the elite service that would follow and protect me, Asuka and Rei. I don't quite know what to feel, I have mixed feelings about Section Two. I disliked being followed but understand why it had to happen. At the same time, I have learned since that Section Two didn't always seem to have our safety at heart, their handling of Asuka when she ran away shows this.

"I... I had no idea..." I stutter out somewhat politely.

"No, you weren't supposed to, none of you were supposed to see us or know we were there." He explains, "I had actually hoped that you wouldn't find out..."

"Really, why?" I ask him.

"A number of reasons." He starts to explain, "I know... We all knew how much you hated piloting and I figured after all that happened to you and the others you probably wouldn't want to be reminded of it all. Also... Section Two didn't really shower itself in glory in a few cases. We weren't so much a security service but... Well I probably shouldn't say anything here but there were certain people who prevented us from doing our job properly, I thought... you'd probably hate me if you found out."

"H-Hate you?" I stutter again as I feel my hand clench into a fist and unclench, two nervous habits in one. I am surprised at what he has said though, why would he think I'd hate him after what happened to his son. Surely, we failed him?

He nods, "It was stupid I know, you can't really escape your past but I had hoped maybe in this case I could. Turns out fate had a different plan in store."

He half smiles as he finished speaking but I'm still in something of a stunned silence. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I want to say something to him as my mind runs through numerous questions and potential answers. In the end I just go for the usual, "I'm sorry..."

He looks confused, "Sorry.... For what?"

How can he look confused by my apology? He must know what I'm sorry for, because of what my actions lead to, he lost something previous to him, he nearly lost everything because of my uselessness. I struggle to say anything in reply and I see the confusion fade to realization. He looks away, embarrassed.

"I was a pilot and I... I failed..."I mumble just loudly enough for him to hear.

"Oh..." He looks back at me and kneels down slightly and places a hand on my shoulder, "Shinji... I... Look, you.... You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. You did everything that was asked of you, you fought with everything you had and you saved countless lives."

"B-But..." I shake my head barely daring to say the words, "Your.... son..."

He pauses and shakes his head, "What happened to my son... was tragic but it was not because of you. My son wasn't killed because of your actions, my son was killed by some two-bit thugs who decided to try to jump the queue when we were evacuating. They got in a fight with the guards and shots were fired, a stray bullet caught him and..."

He pauses again as his hand tightens on my shoulder, his voice sounds quieter, "It was nothing to do with you."

"I... I didn't know..." I lower my eyes again.

"I admit I was... a little bit vague when I told my story to the group but the details of it aren't really something you tell a group of strangers." He says, "The truth is Shinji I... I always wanted to thnk you for what you and the other pilots did. Most of us at Section Two knew that it was wrong, you three being forced to do that. We all knew it was unfair but we also knew there were no other options. We couldn't say it then and... well many of them won't get a chance now so on behalf of them... thank you."

Once again, I fall silent, I don't quite know what to say to that. I've never been thanked by someone like this before. When it came from that government official we were all thanked but it felt impersonal, like it was some sort of duty they had to perform. I've been thanked by those who came back but that was different as well, I knew those people and they did much as me.

With this it is so different, I don't know Hideaki that well and he doesn't really know me. I know that he was a member of Section Two but aside from that he was just a regular member of the public. He was one of the many thousands of civilians who lived in that city. Him saying thank you it... it feels weird, and undeserved. Why am I being thanked? He doesn't know what I nearly did, he doesn't know the truth about who I am.

I don't shake my head but I feel my nails dig into the palms of my hands as those thoughts infiltrate my mind. I'm supposed to be fighting those sorts of thoughts, we all are. I'm not a bad person, I shouldn't feel guilty because of what nearly happened. I should accept what did happen but I don't know how. How do you come to terms with the idea that you actually saved the world?

Finally, I speak, my voice no longer caught in my throat. The lump that has formed from hearing his words slowly going. I feel the sting of tears in my eyes but blink them away and I nod.

"Thank you, for what you did for us as well."

He stands up and nods before looking at his watch, "I think we've probably spent enough time here. If possible, I would like to speak to you more but this isn't really the time and place. If that is okay of course?"

"I... That would be fine." I nod again.

"Good."

I make my way out of the door and lock it behind me as I do he begins to speak, explaining to me what is happening today.

"I'll assume you haven't been briefed on the timetable for today?" He asks.

I shake my head, "No."

I hear him sigh, "Typical, well as you have probably guessed, I'm your assigned security detail for today. I know it'll be inconvenient for you but I'm so stay close to you at all times, I am to ensure that you are safe in everything you to today. The only time I will not be by your side is when you are in your meeting with the security council."

I nod, "O-Okay..."

"Downstairs there is a car waiting for us. It will take us about thirty minutes to reach the UN Embassy. When we are there we will enter via a specially prepared entrance, we don't anticipate any problems regarding the media being there but things have been leaked before."

"Oh..." I almost freeze up, I had never considered the idea of things being leaked to the press. Everything I have done has been well away from the press. Everything they know about NERV and the Eva's was specially constructed to ensure myself, Asuka, Rei, Touji and I suppose even Kaworu would not be known about.

He shoots me a look of concern, "Don't worry about it, as I said we don't anticipate any problems regarding the media. This is purely preventative, there might be some reporters snooping around, pay them no mind, they always hang around for something."

"I... See..." I say nervously, "So... If they see me..."

"They won't know who you are, unless someone has leaked something in which case we'd know about it before you arrived. They will however be wondering who this young guy is who has strolled into the UN Embassy, so just walk past, don't make eye contact and don't engage them."

"Ok, got it." I nod as we approach the car.

"When we arrive, there will be a brief security check for you and then you'll be escorted to meet with Miss Katsuragi and Ayanami. You will all be given a brief tour of the facility if time permits before you meet with the council."

"Right."

He opens the door for me and I get inside, it's one of those larger cars, not quite the size of a limo but spacious. It's black with tinted windows, he climbs in and sits himself down on the seat opposite me. He turns and says something to the driver and we pull away, my heart hammering in my chest. I have to wonder exactly what I've gotten myself into and also hope that I don't mess this up.

jcmoorehead · Jun 7, 2018

Asuka Langley Soryu
I hear a soft moan of satisfaction as Kaworu snuggles his head into my shoulder, his hair tickling me ever so slightly. In response I bring my arms around his body and run a hand down his back. I let out a satisfied sigh of my own as I try to ignore the little alarm going off in the back of my mind. I look over towards the clock on our bedside table, it's not as bad as I thought, we still have at least half an hour until the car picks us up.

We should really have been ready an hour ago but as it is here we are in one another arms, both very tired, very sweaty, very naked and extremely satisfied. If I had the choice I'd shut my eyes, fall asleep and just rest here with kaworu but reality is setting in. We have to get out of this bed, we have to put some clothes on and leave.

Damnit, why did we have to get like this this morning of all mornings? I'm not even usually a morning person, I prefer this sort of thing in the evening. I hate my body sometimes, Kaworu's on the other hand, I quite enjoy that.

I glance down at the melted form in my eyes, it seems cruel to disturb his rest. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, "Kaworu..."

I get a soft movement of his head as he snuggles into me some more, "Mmm... I love you Asuka..."

I plant a soft kiss on the top of his head as I blush, I'm still not quite used to hearing or feeling I deserve to hear those words, "I love you too Kaworu but.... we... have to get up. Like... Now."

"Why? It's comfortable here..." He protests and snuggles into me once again. I'd be slightly annoyed at his protests if I didn't want the same thing and if he wasn't so adorable and if what we had just done moments ago hadn't have felt so good.

"Because... A car will be picking up both up very shortly..." I speak calmly, there is no need for any of us to panic. We still have plenty of time to get ready.

Kaworu unfortunately does not share my desire to remain calm. He suddenly bolts upright, the back of his head almost connecting with my chin as he does so. I get the full brunt of his hair in my face and in one swift movement he throws the covers to the floor exposing us to the cooler air.

"Crap! I... I forgot... I... We...! Oh crap, oh crap! They... They're going to..." Kaworu gets off of the bed and looks around for a moment. He then hurries to his set of drawers.

"Kaworu! Calm down." I try to say something to calm my naked and pale boyfriend down as he flails around the room.

Unfortunately, my words have no effect on him, I watch as things unfortunately play out as I expect them to. He pulls a pair of boxers out of the drawer and starts to slide them on. I look on as he almost stumbles putting his leg through one of the holes. Normally I'd admire the display of Kaworu putting on his clothes but today his display is more amusing then seductive.

With his underwear on he heads to the wardrobe and begins to pull out his suit. I decide now might be a good time to try to calm him down again, "Kaworu... It'll be fine, we still have plenty of time!"

He shakes his head as he throws takes his trousers off of the hanger and puts the rest of the suit onto the bed, "No... No... If we're late then... They'll definitely say no, they..."

"Kaworu!" I call out his name as he scrambles to try to put his trousers on. Time seems to slow down as I realize exactly what is about to happen. I scramble out of the bed onto the same side as him, myself still completely naked. I put out my arms moments too late as he tries to put one of his legs into the set of trousers, he misjudges it in his haste and stumbles forward. I hear a small yelp from him followed by a loud thud as he hits the ground at my feet.

I glance down at him as he lies there with an embarrassed and dazed look on his face. I kneel down by his side, "Are you hurt?"

He shakes his head, "Only my pride..."

"Idiot." I mutter, "I told you to calm down."

"Help?"

I sigh as I stand back up and extend a hand to help him up, he averts his eyes from me sheepishly as he resumes putting on his clothes, at a much slower pace. At this moment I become more aware of my own nudity and some slight embarrassment creeps in. I'm still not completely used to Kaworu seeing me like this, it's one thing for him to see me or parts of me in the heat of the moment but another to be completely naked around him outside of that.

I move past him towards the drawer, as I do I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stop for a moment and look at the faint scarring on my chest, my only 'souvenirs' of my time as an Evangelion pilot. I don't even have my hair clips anymore.

"Asuka, is everything alright?"

I turn to see the look of concern on his face and also realize my hand has now reached up to where my scars are. I nod, "It's fine."

"Are... Your scars hurting you?"

I shake my head, "No, they don't hurt. They never have done I just... Never really noticed them before."

"Sorry." He mutters as I shoot him a look. He opens his mouth to say something but quickly mumbles another infuriating apology.

I take another look at myself before deciding to put some clothes on. The first time Kaworu saw my scars properly he nearly cried, I wasn't quite sure why after all it wasn't his fault they were there. He explained later that the Evangelion Units responsible for that were actually powered by a dummy plug with his data within it. He actually felt responsible, funny that, the two men in my life both feel responsible in some way for my death and scarring.

I on the other hand don't blame them for it. The dummy plug was doing what it was told to do and even if Shinji had been able to help me fight them would it have mattered? Those things didn't seem like they could be beaten.

Do I hate those scars? Damn right I do, they remind me that I lost. They remind me of the pain I felt and they remind me that I died. They also remind me of how lucky I am to get a second chance. They're a double-edged sword, well perhaps lance would be more appropriate.

I glance quickly at Kaworu again as he finishes buttoning up his shirt and start to put my underwear on. It is strange how I am starting to feel more at ease with certain things around him. I never used to imagine myself as being the sort of person who could be comfortable naked or even semi naked around another person. I never even used to be comfortable being naked around myself.

Yet there is something about being with Kaworu that just puts me at ease. I'm still not completely comfortable but I'm a hell of a lot more than I ever thought I would be. I suppose that is proof that I am progressing in some way towards what I... want to be? I've actually let Kaworu see me, all of me, my scars and all. I... Well I've certainly seen all of him, he seemed slightly more apprehensive about it than I did. Ironic, considering he told me when he was an Angel he felt no shame about that sort of thing.

I continue to get ready, both of us getting our suits on fairly quickly. I brush my hair, spray on some perfume and add a small amount of makeup, nothing much but just enough to hide any evidence of our prior activities.

It doesn't take us long to get ready, truthfully, I've never been someone who took too long to get ready. Well, that isn't strictly true. When I was younger, when I was 'her', I would have taken a lot longer to get ready. I had to have the perfect look, the right dress, the right makeup and the right perfume for the time. I had to ensure it was all fine to get the spotlight on me, and me alone. Now... Well it's not that I don't care about how I look, I do care but I just don't want the spotlight to be on me. I don't want people to notice me, it's the last thing I'd want.

I look back in the mirror and as if by magic my good feelings from earlier fade away and the doubt and nervousness creeps in. I fire a glance at Kaworu, I can see that he is nervous as well, sat on the edge of the bed in his suit and glancing down at the ground. He looks pale, well paler than usual.

I look back at myself and start to ask myself questions in my mind. What if I'm not able to do this for Kaworu? What if I do end up failing him? What happens next? I've been talking to Shinji about this and others, we've decided that this isn't just about getting Kaworu to be able to go to Japan for a concert. This is about allowing him to live as a free person, to not be restricted or watched like some sort of villain.

If I fuck this up then... he's restricted, he's scrutinized and he loses that power. So, the question is, if I do fuck this up then will I also lose him? Will Kaworu hate me for fucking this up?

I try to fight these fears away but another voice is there warning me that I've done it again. I've talked big without realizing that I'm powerless to back it up. It's no different to how I used to be, arrogance and overconfidence and no ability. I'm preparing to fail and I haven't even gotten there yet. Let's be honest though, I'm no strange to failure, I've been doing it for most of my life.

This time though... It's different because I'm not alone in this fight and for once in my life I'm actually accepting it, I'm actually happy about it or at least I'm actually willing to admit I'm happy about it. Truth is, as much as I said that I hated being team mates with Shinji and Rei back then, when the three of use worked together it was some of the happiest moments of my miserable life. I just couldn't admit it. Well I can now, I need help and as much as it dents my pride to admit it I need to rely on others.

This all makes me feel slightly better, I know that together... we can do this. We might not be seperated by half the world but we can do it. Me and him, like we used to be able to. When we worked together... nothing could stop us. The invincible Shinji... I used to call him that with such disdain but today I'm calling him it because I believe it.

Please Shinji... Come through for us...

"Everything is... going to be alright... isn't it?"

I hear Kaworu softly speak and I turn to look at him again. He's still sat at the edge of the bed, his hands trembling with nerves. I try to hide away any doubt and fear I'm feeling. If I show that then it helps no one. I realize that I have to put up that front for just a little while today, I have to try and become... 'her' once again.

As I make my way towards him I wonder, just who is she? I cast my mind back to that fourteen-year-old version of myself, that girl I used to be and the one I'm so very afraid of. I think of her like some sort of ghost that haunts me. I think of her as if she is a spectre that I've tried to exorcise but she never truly goes away.

I'm not the only one with these ghosts though, Kaworu... Shinji... Rei... we all have them. All of them take the form of these versions of us from many years ago but we warp and distort them. They are made up not of who we are but who we think they were, created by our fears.

They aren't bad though, they aren't evil and we shouldn't be afraid to accept them. I... I sort of understand this now. I understand that the person I think of myself as being isn't the full story and that not everything about me back then was bad. Still... I have that worry, if I allow even a little bit of that girl to slip back in... will I not regress and lose who I am now?

No. I won't do that. I can't do that, I'm not scared of who I am. Not anymore.

So with that I kneel down in front of Kaworu and grin, "Of course it will!"

"Are you... sure?" He asks me.

I look into his eyes and nod, "Are you kidding? With me and the invincible Shinji in your corner, how can it go wrong?"

Good, confident with just the right amount of arrogance. I can do this, I can channel her. My words also seem to have had an effect on Kaworu. He smiles back at me, "Are you... nervous?"

I nod at him and take his hand, placing it on my chest and holding it over my rapidly beating heart, "Yes, but... that's fine. I was nervous every time I would go out and kick an Angel's ass."

He smiles as he holds his warm hand in place for a moment, "I watched your old footage you know... You were really talented."

"Of course I was! I trained for nearly ten years to get that good." I shoot back, "It's going to be fine Kaworu, we'll make them see sense."

"Shinji..." Kaworu removes his hand, "He is really going to help us?"

I give him another nod, "Yup, and I didn't even have to threaten him."

"Y-You wouldn't have done?" He asks me with some horror on his face.

"No! Of course, I wouldn't You idiot!" I reply instantly, "It's like I told you, he did take some persuading initially. He wasn't sure he could really help us."

"I know." Kaworu looks down, "I just... Worry that he hates me and might not do this."

I squeeze Kaworu's hand as I speak, "Shinji doesn't hate you. In fact I... I don't think Shinji is really capable of hating anyone. When I was at my worst towards him he didn't hate me, I yelled and screamed at him, I... I never hit him but I threw things and damaged stuff and he never hated me."

I pause for a moment, "I... I don't even think he hates his own father. It's... kinda annoying in a way, I think some people deserve to be hated. Some people you... can't forgive."

Kaworu nods, he understands what I'm talking about, he has confessed to me his conflicting thoughts on SEELE and his upbringing.

"Shinji... doesn't know how to feel regarding you but he definitely doesn't hate you and he wants to help you. I think with him helping we can do this. In fact, I know we can, there is no better team than me and Shinji."

I grin once more as I say those words. It's funny to think of myself saying such a thing whilst I'm trying to channel some of the confidence of that younger Asuka. She'd hate me for admitting I need help from anyone but I know there is no shame in it.

Still I do feel a slight dent to my pride as I say it. Those ideals were chiseled into me over and over again for almost ten years. I told myself repeatedly I had to do everything alone, that I didn't need anyone else and it was weak to rely on others. It's hard to undo ten years' worth of damage and trauma in half the time it took to put it in place.

Being friends with Rei, being in touch with Shinji again and falling for Kaworu... Well I feel like that has helped speed it up. Maybe it is fine to need other people.

"I really love you Asuka." Kaworu suddenly speaks, "Thank you... For everything."

My hand squeezes his once again as I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips, I get to my feet, "I love you too Kaworu. Now... Shall we get this over and done with?"

jcmoorehead · Jun 27, 2018

Tokyo 2 - UN Embassy – Waiting Room - Shinji Ikari

I'm sat nervously in a small room waiting to be let into the meeting room with the council. My meeting should have started ten minutes ago but I've been told the group are running late. Misato did warn me that that would be likely, she said that in her experience these sorts of meetings never start on time.

So, for the moment I am sat, alone in this small room. I'm on a fairly uncomfortable seat and across from me is an old television playing a repeat of an old gameshow. I'm not sure how old it is but it's in English and seems to be themed around darts of all things. It has subtitles and I've just watched the contestants win a speedboat.

Would they even want a speedboat? What if they don't live near any water? How do they split a speedboat between them?

I'm not quite sure that frightens me more, the idea of this meeting or the badly drawn cartoon bull that has appeared frequently throughout the show.

I continue watching this bizarre terribly-yet-good show for a few moment minutes and finally the door to the meeting room opens up. A small woman steps through and smiles at me.

"Terribly sorry to keep you waiting, we had some issues with the tech. The council are ready to meet with you now."

I immediately rise to my feet and try to disguise the trembling in my body. I can't let them see any fear from me. I need to step through there and be confident in what I say and do. I can't afford to make any mistakes in front of these people.

"Okay." I nod at her and follow her through into the room, leaving the world of cartoon bulls and darts behind.

The meeting room is what I expected it to be, it is a wide and open room with a large circular table planted in the middle. The air in the room is cool, and I hear the low hum of an air conditioner. I see one seat set up in the room, in front of it is a bottle of water and a see through plastic cup. I presume that this is going to be my seat. The room is somewhat brighter than I expected, I see a few decorative plants in the corners, some bookshelves and the flags of the member countries on the walls.

I admit, I am slightly confused by the lack of seating in the room. Aside from my chair there are no others around the table, instead there are nine metallic blocks where the seats would be. I turn to the woman who brought me in, "W-Where is everyone else?"

She lets out a small laugh, "Oh, of course! I should have explained. The council are not going to be here physically, there are currently in Berlin and this meeting will be done remotely, the council will be represented holographically."

"Oh... I see..." I nod again as I take a few tentative steps forward towards the large seat waiting for me, it's one of those semi comfortable executive looking chairs. I sit myself down in it awkwardly and take a moment to adjust. I ask myself if the seat is comfortable enough. Should I adjust it? Can I adjust it? How should I be sitting in the seat? Should I have my arms on the armrests or on the tables?

In the end I settle for not adjusting the seat and just sitting with my arms neatly folded in front of me. The woman leaves the room and I take a few steady breaths and look around the now empty room. I realize, likely much too late, that I am... not prepared for this. I really don't know if I can do this. I wish I had someone here with me. I wish Misato or Rei were here. I wish Asuka was here. I can't do this... I can't face this on my own!

Unfortunately, I have little choice now, before I can even get lost in my own sudden loss of confidence I hear a whirring noise and one by one each of the devices around the table suddenly come to life. I see nine people appear in front of me. They are a mixture of men and women, of varying ethnicity. One of them, an older Japanese man situated to my right looks familiar but I can't place his face.

At the head of the table, across from me is a rather stocky looking bald man with a bushy ginger moustache. He looks directly at me and starts to speak, he has a German accent but is speaking Japanese, "Sorry to have kept you waiting Herr Ikari, sometimes the technology we use for these conferences does not always perform to the standards that we would like it to. Sometimes I long for the days of face to face meetings, they seemed easier but technology does move in but I am digressing. I hope you are well?"

I give a nod and I'm not quite sure what to say in reply to him. Do I smile and say something about the technology as well? Do I just say I am fine? Already I am thrown, this man is different to what I had expected, especially for someone in a position of such power. He seems jolly and so unlike the stuffier politicians I've seen on television or even the ones I have encountered.

I take a quick moment to look at the others on the council. A few of those look much more like I had expected them too, in particular the Japanese guy to my right who is, unless I am imagining things, scowling at me.

"I... I am fine, thank you." I finally reply.

"Very good." He announces, his booming voice echoes around the room.

As I see and hear this man I feel slightly more at ease, unfortunately the others don't give me that same feeling. I feel like half of them are scowling at me and looking at me with hate in their eyes, I feel like the other half are looking at me with admiration. It had dawned on me as I was preparing for this that the people I meet will all know who I am, this is the on situation where people where I can be sure of that.

I am trying to keep clam about that fact, just because these people know who I am doesn't mean anything bad can happen. Nothing bad can happen, these people aren't even here physically so they can't hurt me. I am safe and secure here and they have a job to do. What they think of me personally doesn't matter.

"We are here to discuss the matter of Mr Kaworu Nagisa." He speaks again, "it is the belief of this committee that both yourself and former pilot Asuka Langley Soryu would like to appeal against our decision to restrict Mr Nagisa's activities. This meeting will therefore be used to help establish whether or not we should reverse that decision, is this understood by everyone?"

I nod my head and look around again to see the others nod their heads and give murmurs of agreement. After this the members of the council introduce themselves to me, when it comes to the Japanese man who has been scowling at me he introduces himself as Shiro Tokita, again I can't help but feel like I have heard the name before but I cannot think where.

I get little time to dwell on it though. Once again, the man in charge speaks in his loud booming voice, "Well now that we have the introductions out of the way we can begin."

jcmoorehead · Jun 29, 2018

Berlin - UN Embassy – Waiting Room – Asuka Langley Soryu

I've barely been here five minutes and I'm already in a bad mood. On arriving here, I wasn't even given a chance to say goodbye to Kaworu properly, the security grabbed me and whisked me away from him and led me straight to this waiting room. It turns out Kaworu won't be a part of these meetings today, he isn't even allowed in the building.

Did they do this on purpose? Put me in a bad mood before the meeting starts so they can try to throw me off? Well it isn't going to work, if anything I'm just more determined now.

Although, as much as I hate to admit it, I am very nervous about this. Waiting for me in that next room are nine highly trained politicians. They are each going to look to tear me apart. It's nine against one, odds I've encountered before and... to be perfectly frank, things didn't go so well for me last time.

I am determined to do this though. I have to believe that I can do this. This isn't for me, this is for Kaworu who right now will be either aimlessly wandering through a part of town he's never been in or sat outside this building.

So, I will get this done, I'll go in there and speak to them all. I'll persuade them to overturn their decision and then we will get Kaworu what he needs to go back to Japan. We'll get ourselves to the concert and we'll see them again and have a good time.

With that thought comes another issue, one I have been thinking about more and more recently and one I don't really want to think about. When we go to Japan that will be the moment that Shinji and Kaworu reunite. I'm not an idiot, I know exactly how Kaworu feels about Shinji and I know how Shinji feels in regards to Kaworu. Despite their problems now they will feel those same feelings once again when they meet, it's inevitable.

So, what will happen to me after that? I guess... It'll be just like those dreams I had. Not the rarenice ones where the three of us are somehow together but the other ones. The ones where they both walk away and I'm left all alone. I don't want to be abandoned, I don't want to be alone, I want what I have now. I don't want to lose Kaworu.

I try to take a moment to calm down, I'm getting ahead of myself and being stupid. For a brief second one of the nicer images from my dreams flashes into my mind. I had a dream once we all lived together, I don't know what we were... but we were all happy and just enjoyed being around one another. It is just a dream though.

That is another worry of mine, telling Shinji about what me and Kaworu are. It'll hurt him and... I really don't want to hurt him. I... I lo-… No, I can't say that because I love Kaworu now, can you love more than one person? I suppose you can... The point is I don't want Shinji to be hurt and I don't want to be the cause of pain for him.

These are all thoughts for later though, we can deal with this when we have to. For now, I need to get a few things straight, Kaworu is not going to abandon me. I know that there might be awkwardness when we all reunite but we can deal with it there and then. All that matters right now is sorting out these ridiculous old men who have deemed it necessary to block my boyfriend from being able to live his life.

I remain in the seat for a couple more minutes in this stupid and silent waiting room. I hate this room, there isn't even a television in here to provide some sort of distraction just a crappy uncomfortable seat, four white walls, a fake cactus in the corner and a fish bowl sans fish.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity the door to the main meeting room opens. An older lady walks out to greet me, she's wearing a full suit, dour expression and a voice that would make Rei sound expressive.

"Ms Soryu, the council are now ready to see you."

"Finally." I mutter under my breath.

She gives me a quick glare as if she has heard me but then turns away, "The council are already seated, you will go to your designated seat and they will begin."

As I enter the room a final wave of thoughts washes over me. Have they already spoken to Shinji? Has their decision already been made? Is there anything I can do to tip them over the edge? Am I at risk of reversing their decision?

I suppose I won't know until after this is done. I walk straight into the room and I feel the cold stares of the council members. The room isn't very well lit and from a brief glance seems fairly sparse. The table at the center is what I expected, large, wooden and round. The chair for me is one of those large office chairs that reminds me of something from a villain in a Bond movie might have.

I sit myself down and allow a quick look at the nine representatives, my enemies for today. Directly opposite me is a round bald-headed man, he actually looks like he could be the brother of the man who owns the café near to my old apartment. His demeanor doesn't seem to be the same as many politicians but I know myself how deceiving looks can be.

The other eight are a mixture of nationality and gender, some seem to be more sour-faced and what I'd expect from a politician. One of them in particular is staring straight at me as if I was the biggest piece of trash in existence.

Well fuck you too.

"Ms Soryu, our apologies for keeping you waiting." The man who for now I'll call Obelix announces, his voice is loud and clear.

I give a confident smirk and feel that piercing glare from the committee members intensify. I imagine they will all know who I am and they will probably know who I was. I wonder if the person they see before the today is what they expect. I wonder if they're expecting 'her' or for me to have changed.

"Not at all." I nod politely, "I haven't been here for too long."

"It is the understanding of the committee that you wish to bring forth an appeal to our decision to block Kaworu Nagisa from travelling outside of Germany."

"That is correct." I reply.

"This meeting today along with our meeting with your former teammate Shinji Ikari will therefore aid us in establishing whether or not we should reverse that decision. Does anyone have any objections?"

I shake my head and listen to the others. No one offers any objections to his request and then they all move into introducing themselves and the country they represent. I feign interest but in truth I couldn't care less if they represent one country or another. I just want them to change their minds.

The last guy does intrigue me though. He's representing Japan and he addresses me with such disdain that I wonder if perhaps I have offended him in the past. I can't say I recognize him nor do I recognize his name. For all the trouble I might have been at NERV I did make sure to remember the names of the techs and people who helped me, I even donated some of my salary to them when I could. Shiro Tokita was not one of the people I remember being on that list.

"So, with introductions now complete, shall we begin?" The jolly man in charge announces and I prepare myself for what will come next.

Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

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