Braver Than We Are (NGE Fanfic)

[jcmoorehead]

Hello everyone, been working on this little section of the next chapter for the past week. It actually ended up being a lot longer than I expected it to be for this one section but I wanted to make sure all these things were in there. So anyway here is the first section of chapter 9. The title comes from a line in a Meat Loaf song called Left In The Dark.

15th​ September 2021 – Early Morning – Kaworu's Apartment

There are several thoughts running through my head as I pick up my phone and try to work out the time in Japan right now. Right at the forefront is what I'm going to say to Rei when I speak to her. I still haven't quite made up my mind about what it is I'm going to do regarding the e-mail, I want to tell her but then if I do that means I have to send the damn thing and I'm still not sure if I should do that.

There is also the ongoing situation with Kaworu to consider. I know I don't have to tell Rei about what happened the other night but I feel like I have to. I feel like I have this duty to tell Rei the truth about it. I feel like I'll be worse off in some way if I keep that from her.

At the same time, I don't even know what me and Kaworu are at the moment. Are we just good friends or something more? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? It's not as if we've sat down since we kissed and spoke about it. Yet, I know that we are something because of the way we speak to each other, because of the way we look at each other and the way that I feel about him. I feel comfortable around him, I feel like I can talk to him and tell him anything.

The proof of that was last night when I told him the circumstances of my leaving Japan to come back to Germany. It's a story I hadn't told before, it was a day I hadn't thought about for a very long time. I hadn't even told Rei about what had happened on that day and she is my best friend. So clearly that means me and Kaworu have something.

I am still apprehensive about what that thing might be though. I don't know if I'm ready for that sort of thing or if I can be the person Kaworu needs. I still feel like the only thing I'm good for is hurting him and other people, I still remember clearly that person I was before Third Impact and I worry that she is still there. I still worry that people will remember that person too and realize that I'm not worth the effort. I don't want to be alone, I don't want people to abandon me but at the same time I know what I was and if they did I only have myself to blame.

I wonder if this thing between Kaworu and myself is a good thing. Kaworu deserves someone nice and kind for him, he deserves someone who can provide warmth and comfort and support. Someone like...

I shake my head before my mind travels down that path. Of all the people I can think of who would be perfect for Kaworu it would have to be Shinji wouldn't it? Shinji does fit that bill though, sure he was a bit of an idiot and oblivious but he was kind, he was nice to be around and before things went downhill he could provide support. As Eva pilots we brought out the best in each other, I just didn't want to admit that back then.

Of course, Kaworu would have been perfect for him too. Kaworu is good looking, kind and able to listen. The two of them would actually have been a good couple were it not for the whole betrayal and one having to kill the others. I'm not sure that is a bridge that can be mended now and naturally there is Rei to consider, I dread to think what she would do if Kaworu approached Shinji.

I stop mid thought and shake my head, what the hell am I thinking? Why am I thinking all of this, why am I pairing this guy up with someone else when it's me who likes him and who kissed him. What the hell happened to me? Why can't I just allow myself to pursue happiness for myself? I want to be with Kaworu! I don't to actually try this and prove I'm not that person anymore, that's why I didn't run.

That's why I am still here right now, that's why I kissed him and why I spent last night cuddled up with him. That's why I told him the story of how I left Japan. I like this guy and... maybe, just maybe I actually deserve to be happy too.

I look down at my phone again feeling I can't put this off any longer. I scroll to Rei's name and fire off a quick message telling her to call me. I don't want to risk phoning her first and having Shinji answer, this time I'm doing it as we arranged. A minute later my phone starts to ring and I quickly answer it, "Rei?"

There is a brief moment of silence and I worry that maybe it is Shinji but much to my relief I hear her voice come through, "Hello Asuka, it's good to hear your voice."

I smile to myself, "It's good to hear yours too Rei, I was worried for a moment that it might have been Shinji?"

"Shinji is not here at the moment, he is out with Touji and Kensuke."

"Oh, that's good! He still doesn't suspect anything does he?"

"No he does not, at least he has not said anything."

"Good..." I nod my head, "I wouldn't want him to... find out about me like that. I want him to find out properly. That's... why I'm calling you actually, there's something I wanted to ask you."

"Are you ready to tell Shinji you are alright?" Rei's question comes quickly and I can hear the excitement in her voice.

I let out a sigh, "I... I don't know Rei, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I've got a few... issues that need working out."

"Yes, I am aware." I can hear the sarcasm in her voice.

"You know Rei, there is a time and place for sarcasm."

"I apologize."

"It's fine, I'll allow it... but only because you're my best friend." I laugh.

"What is it you wished to talk to me about?"

"It's about... Well over the last few weeks a few things have happened and it's made me do a lot of thinking. I mean you came to visit me in Germany and then we found out about Kaworu it just... made me think about the past and why I left Japan... I keep on thinking about what I've asked you to do, to hide the truth about me and I'm wondering if I should... contact them."

"If there is anything I can do to help I will do so!" Rei cuts me off, again sounding very excited by what I'm saying, "I can arrange travel and somewhere for you to stay."

"Wait! Rei... Wait..." I stop her, "I don't know if I'm ready for... anything in person but I... I wrote an e-mail to Shinji. I was going to send it and it was going to explain everything, like why I left and what I've been doing but it was also going to... I was going to mention you. I wanted you to look at it first and... Make sure it was alright I guess."

"I see." Rei pauses for a moment, "That should be acceptable, when will you send it?"

I freeze for a brief moment as I realize the implications of what I've just said. I feel that rush of nerves in side my stomach, there is no going back now.

"I... I'll send it this afternoon."

"That's great! Do you want me to show him as well?"

"No!" I quickly reply, "No, absolutely not... not yet. I just want you to look at it. I've... explained about you finding me and why I left and a few other things. Just take a look and tell me if you want anything changing, I don't want... to cause any problems for you."

"I understand." Rei pauses, "I am happy for you to tell the truth about our situation though. I am sure that he will understand and there will be no issue."

"I hope not." I hesitate for a moment before moving onto the next section, "Thank you Rei."

"It is not a problem, I am so glad that this is finally happening."

I let out a laugh, "Well... don't get too far ahead of yourself yet. I still need to send it to him and then... well we'll see what happened. Just don't think I'll be flying out there next week okay."

"Don't worry I will be patient but when you have sent it we should look at flying you over here to see him and MIsato and the others. I'm certain they'll all be so happy to hear from you!"

"Yeah..." I want to believe what she is saying but my mind just doesn't let me believe it. After the way I left and all the ways I hurt Shinji before that I can't believe he'd ever be happy to hear from me again. I'm also fairly certain that flying out there like Rei wants is probably out of the question too. Even if Shinji is happy to see me I still have to deal with the likes of MIsato and the others and I know that they'll probably have a less than favorable opinion of me.

Suddenly as I look at the phone in my hand I start to wonder what it is I'm doing. Should I really be contemplating sending this e-mail? Is this really worth it? What exactly am I trying to achieve? It's too late now though, I'd already said I'm going to do it and... I'm sick of running away. I don't want to run away anymore.

"I know you have difficulty believing that Asuka." Rei suddenly speaks, "But they do. Misato speaks about you often, she told us how she regrets the way she treated you and that she should have done more for you."

I shake my head, "She's just saying that..."

"No she isn't." Rei stops me, "She was really upset the day you left, she blamed herself for it all and was ready to do everything she could to get you back. The only reason she didn't is because Fuyutsuki told her about your demands. Even then she still tried to find you for at least a month afterwards."

I sit down on the bed, Rei had never told me that before. I always thought that Misato just accepted that I had gone. I wonder what I would have done if she had tracked me down, would I have gone back willingly? Would I have told her to go away? If she had tracked me down and found me it would have been confirmation that they did care but would I have believed it back then?

"Rei..."

"The others as well, HIkari misses her friend, she was looking forward to going back to school with you in her class. Even Touji and Kensuke missed you."

"Well I didn't miss those idiots!" I laugh, "Look Rei just... don't expect me to be back over there immediately. It's not that easy, even if I wanted to I have commitments here with the book and with... Kaworu too..."

"What about over Christmas then? It would be wonderful to see you over that time and Shinji has a performance with his new group that I am sure he'd love for you to attend." There is a brief pause, "I suppose... if he proves himself then Nagisa would be able to come as well."

"Yeah..." I trial off and think about it. It does sound nice, my book releases at the start of December and then spending time with them in Japan? Would I be able to do it? I'm not sure, I still don't know if I can send this damn e-mail yet and besides I still don't know how people will react. Rei is telling me these things about how I was missed and how people care but I don't know how true that is.

Besides... there is Kaworu to consider as well. Me and Kaworu... we are something now and we probably will be by then. I might be welcome, but would he? How would they react if we turn up as a couple?

"Actually Rei... I need to tell you about Kaworu..."

"What is it? Has he hurt you?"

"No! Nothing like that, it's just..." I sigh, "He invited me to his place for dinner other night for dinner and... it was really nice Rei and I... I kissed him. I... I think I like him..."

"You kissed Nagisa?"

I feel my stomach drop as the tone in her voice gets darker. All of a sudden, I get the feeling that I've just done something very wrong.

"Yes... I did."

There is a long pause from the other end of the line, "Rei, are you okay?"

"I am afraid I have to go. Goodbye Asuka." I can hear the venom in her voice as she speaks to me. It's frightening in a way. I've never heard her sound angry like that before.

"Wait Rei don-"

I try to stop her from going but I barely get halfway through my sentence before the line goes dead. I stare at the device for a few moments and feel my hand tighten around it. I stand up and try to suppress the urge to throw my phone at the wall in anger. Not anger at Rei but at myself, I should have known better than to tell her that.

A moment later my phone vibrates again. It's a message and I know it'll be from Rei. I don't know what it'll say but after hearing her hang up like that I almost dread to think about it. I should have waited to tell her about myself and Kaworu, I should have waited until she had the chance to believe he wasn't the person she thought he was.

Slowly I turn my phone around to look at the message. Just as I expected it is from Rei, 'I do not wish to continue this conversation or speak with you today. Goodbye.'

What the hell is that supposed to even mean? My hand hovers over her contact details ready to call her again and try to work this out but I feel like she won't answer. Maybe I can send her a message but with her like this would she even read it? Instead all I can do is grip my phone tightly in my hand and suppress the urge to scream out.

I can feel my arm starting to drop and get myself ready to hurl the phone at the wall but a soft tapping at the bedroom door stops me. I don't turn around as the door opens and Kaworu enters the room quietly.

"Asuka… is everything alright?"

"Fine…" I reply through gritted teeth.

"What happened?" He asks me as he enters the room.

"I… told Rei about us kissing and I seem to have pissed her off." I keep my back to him and shrug as I speak.

"I… It is understandable given her feelings about me." Kaworu replies solemnly, "I am sorry I have caused trouble for you."

"Idiot! Don't you dare! This isn't you, this is… that stubborn… argh!" I spin around and come face to face with Kaworu, "This isn't your fault Kaworu. You haven't caused any trouble, Rei is just being… an idiot."

"I do not think she is." Kaworu speaks softly, "Rei's fears and feelings towards me are understandable given what I have done in the past. I am… not surprised that such a thing would anger her."

"Well it's annoying!" I bark back, "It's annoying and she's a goddamn idiot!"

Kaworu steps closer to me and brings his hand up slowly to my cheek. I lean into the warmth of his palm and sigh, "I… The last thing I wanted to do was piss her off, she's been one of my only friends Kaworu, the only one who understands."

He nods, "I know and I wish there was something I could do to help, perhaps I could contact her myself?"

I laugh, "I doubt you'll accomplish much with that but… whatever, give it a go."

He smiles, "I will Asuka… I would not like to see your friendship with Rei broken in such a way. I… dislike seeing you hurt."

"Thank you." I continue to stand there letting Kaworu run his hand through my hair and down along my cheek. I reach up with one hand and softly cup his cheek, my hand runs along his warm and pale skin. I allow my hand to reach up a bit further and my fingers meet his soft grey hair.

We stand like this for a moment until Kaworu leans in closer to me. I'm surprised by his boldness and ready myself as he places a hand on my hip and draws me in close. My lips meet his as we kiss for a third time this weekend. I feel Kaworu's hand on my hip slowly start to slide upwards and I wonder for a moment what his destination for it is, I wonder if he would be daring enough for that. He doesn't seem to be as it moves up and then around to my back.

I continue to return the kiss and part my lips ever so slightly to allow my tongue to slide through and meet his. I feel a moment of hesitation from him, understandable considering our previous kisses didn't go that far but he soon gets the idea. At the same time I allow my other hand to explore what I can of his body, I run it up his side and to his back before moving back down to grip his firm backside.

I almost laugh when I hear the soft gasp leave his lips through our kissing. If this is how he reacts to me touching his backside I wonder how he'd react to… actually no, I'm not going to think about that yet. My body might feel ready but my mind isn't and I can't help but feel it's the same for him. For now this is nice, this kissing and light touching is nice.

We continue this for moments before I break the kiss and look up at him, "Shall we… make ourselves more comfortable?"

 

[jcmoorehead]

16th​ September 2021 – Mid-afternoon – Misato's apartment
"I'm home!" I announce happily to no one in particular as the apartment door swings open. I peer into the hallway and start to try to bring everything I'm carrying into tight space. In one hand is my cello, tucked under that arm are a few papers from the session, held carefully in my other hand is a box and I have a backpack on. I shuffle carefully into the small hallway and almost manage to trip over a pair of Misato's shoes that were left there, fortunately I'm able to catch myself before anything gets damaged.

Now in the hallway I set the cello and other items down and start to remove my shoes. As I begin to do so I'm surprised to hear Rei's soft voice call back to me, "Welcome home!"

I smile to myself as I finish removing my shoes and I snatch up the box from the ground leaving the cello and session papers behind for the moment. As I make my way out of the hallway and into the living room I hide the box behind my back. I look around the room and see Rei is sat on the couch absent mindedly browsing something on her laptop.

I have to admit I'm a little bit surprised but happy to see Rei is back already. Mondays are usually when she volunteers at the school and she generally comes back later in the day. I actually wonder if everything is alright with her, it does seem unlike Rei to have skipped out on something like that and for most of yesterday and this morning she's seemed distracted and... sad I guess? I don't know why, I know she went out on a date with someone the other night but she said everything went well. Unless something has happened since.

As I enter the room and take a look at her I can see she still looked a little bit sad now. It would probably be hard for others to tell but I can. Her expression is one I recognize all too well, it's one I've worn myself on many occasions. Rei... It's weird to think I never saw it years ago but she does look a lot like me and shares a lot of similar mannerisms.

The thing is I know I can't just ask her directly what's wrong. I know that she won't tell me because that's another thing we share, she'll just evade it and pretend everything is okay. Eventually it'll build up inside her and I know from experience that it can only make things worse when that happens. It happened to me a long time ago and it felt awful.

The problem with this is that when I'm down and people can tell they'll stick with me and ask me what's wrong, they'll coax it out of me and I can't do that with Rei or other people. I'm just not very good at it, I don't know how to do that and I'm always afraid of upsetting them or annoying them. It's the same for everyone, I just ask them what's wrong and if they don't tell me I shy away. I've been like that with Rei, I've been like that with Misato and I was the same with Asuka when she was here.

All three of those people though they're good at doing that. Rei can be stubborn, she won't leave my side or she'll just hug me and not let go until I finally relent. Misato doesn't quite go that far but she gives me an opportunity to talk freely and without judgement.

Asuka… I smile as I think of her, she wasn't quite as nice with her method but she had a way of coaxing things out of me. She always had a way of getting me to see the bright side or just feeling better about a situation, she always kinda pushed me. I just wish I could have done the same for her and helped her out.

Whilst I might not be able to find out what is wrong by talking to her perhaps I can try to find out or at least cheer her up in other ways. What I have held behind my box is part of that. On the way home I bought her a cake from a bakery that I know she likes. It's a double chocolate sponge cake with a healthy amount of chocolate cream between the layers and a round profiterole sitting on the top.

"Are you okay Rei?" I ask her as I enter the room fully.

I see her nod, "I am fine, thank you.

I open my mouth briefly to maybe ask the follow up question, to ask her if she is sure or to point out that she is looking a bit sad but I simply can't do it. Instead I just weakly move the conversation along as if I can't tell that something is wrong.

"How were things at the school today? I noticed you're home early."

She looks across at me, "Yes, they were taking the students on a trip this afternoon so I only had to attend the morning classes. It went well. How was your session today, was it more comfortable than the last one?"

"Yeah! It… It was really good actually." I smile, "We got split off into pairs, I was paired up with a violinist and we seemed to get along quite well."

"Did you play anything?"

I nod enthusiastically, "Yeah! We didn't really have time to prepare anything so we decided it'd be best to just improvise. We decided on a key to play in and I just played some basic chords over a metronome, she would jump in and accompany me with a solo on her violin! It was incredible, I think people were actually impressed with us!"

Rei is smiling at this point so I continue, "The others were really good as well. Some of them already had an idea of what they wanted to play. We heard people play some things by Bach, some Mozart and one pair even tried to play some film themes. You should have heard them Rei!"

Rei smiles, "That is good to hear!"

"Yeah! After we each played for the group the conductor gathered us around and told us a bit more about what the performance he wanted to put on. He had this idea to do a history of music from the 18th​ Century onwards, composers like Bach and Beethoven but also move through to modern day."

I remember what he shown us and smile, "He gave us a potential playlist, I'm not exactly familiar with a lot of it. The classical stuff I know and like because it was what I grew up listening to but I don't know the modern stuff. He played a brief bit of some of it and it sounds quite complicated, I didn't realize the arrangements for some of the songs could be so complex, the time signatures used and the compositions are…"

I look over to see Rei almost grinning at me as I carry on speaking. I feel my face turning red realizing that I'm just talking and not really letting her speak, "Sorry, I'm… Anyway, It sounds quite complicated… I just hope I can do it."

My words seem to draw a faint smile from Rei, "Do not apologize, it is wonderful to hear you speak to passionately and I have absolutely no doubt that you will be excellent. You are extremely talented."

I can feel my cheeks glowing red, "I… I just practice a lot. I'm… not that good really, I still make a lot of mistakes and there are some things I can't play."

"And that is why you continue to practice so that you will be able to play such things and make fewer mistakes. I have heard you and you are very good, you should give yourself more credit."

I swallow down the words I'm about to speak to further downplay my abilities. It's a habit I need to get out of, that I'm trying hard to get out of. Rei is right, I do practice a lot and the reason I practice so much is so that I can play more advanced pieces one day.

I mean in many ways I already do play some complicated material. I also have a good grasp of the theory behind it. I'm able to read music, I can play in a variety of more complex time signatures with ease and I can handle transcribing music fairly well. So instead of downplaying it all I look at say and speak words I'm unfamiliar with when it comes to a compliment, "Thank you."

I shift awkwardly from one leg to another and decide now would be a good time to give Rei the present.

"Rei I… I got you something on the way home."

She looks at me in confusion as I bring the box around from my back and hand it to her. She looks at it for a moment before smiling, "You… I recognize this wrapper!"

"Yeah!" I nod, "You mentioned this place a couple of weeks ago and… well being honest I thought you seemed kinda sad this morning so I wanted to get you something to cheer you up."

"You went into the bakery and got this yourself?" She looked at me in surprise, "You were alright getting this?"

I nod, "Yeah… I mean it was still scary but my session went really well and I guess that helped me not be as scared of others. It was… pretty empty in there too so I didn't have to pass too many people and like I said I wanted to cheer you up, I don't mind doing something scary if it'd help you."

"Thank you!" She begins to untie the ribbon and opens it to reveal the slice of cake I've bought her. I smile as I see her eyes widen, "This looks delicious, thank you Shinji."

"I hope you enjoy it."

"I will." She replies, "Although I must inform you that you have nothing to be worried about regarding me. I am perfectly fine, you do not need to worry about me."

I can tell she isn't telling the truth but I just can't bring myself to say anything else. I'm just not very good at this sort of thing, if people come to me directly and tell me they're upset then maybe… maybe I sort of know what to do but I can't get people to tell me what's wrong. If they're being evasive like… well like I would be then I simply can't do it. I'm just scared of annoying them and them being angry with me.

So instead of saying anything else I just go back into the hallway and bring my cello and papers into the front room. I set them down behind the couch and see that Rei has already made a start on happily eating the cake. If I am going to say anything else then I should probably wait until after this, I wouldn't want to upset her now.

I sit down near to her and pull out my music player and the list of songs the instructor has given us. The idea behind the performance seems to be a brief history of music from the 18th​ Century onwards. This means some music I'm familiar with from the classical composers through to more modern material. I know a few of the more popular tracks but a couple I don't know, so I want to load it all onto my music player to listen to before next week.

I always feel strange using this player, it's been a constant companion to me since I received it on my birthday several years ago but it's also the only thing of Asuka that remains in this place. At first I refused to use it, looking at it upset me but over time I started to think about Asuka taking the time to buy it and leave it for me. She'd be angry if I didn't use it and so I've kept it close to me at all times.

As I search through the store and start to download each track I glance quickly at Rei and see her sat and quietly focused on eating her cake. It's so obvious to me that something is wrong, it's the same expression that I have when something is bugging me and my inability to just say something keeps eating away at me. Why do I find this so damn difficult? Misato doesn't have this difficulty, Rei doesn't and Asuka certainly didn't! What am I afraid of?

'Being hated and abandoned by them. Losing friends and family due to saying the wrong thing. Pissing her off so she yells and leaves.'

I hate my brain sometimes.

"You are still concerned about me aren't you?" Rei suddenly speaks.

I nod, "Yeah… You just… You look sad Rei."

"As I said before I appreciate your concern but I am perfectly fine." Rei smiles at me, "Tell me more about the performance."

She's being evasive, I know she is because it's the exact same thing I'd try to do. I open my mouth to protest or counter it but I just can't, "Well… He wants us to learn and play tracks from classical composers through to modern artists, he seems to like a lot of rock music so I'm interested in how we're going to perform those."

"Well it just be your group or will you have others accompanying you?" She asks.

I shrug, "I think it'll just be us but I'm not sure."

"Then that should be interesting, I was not sure if you would be playing with an actual band or not for the songs."

"I don't think so but I think he might get someone to sing the songs." I reply, "Hey… If this does happen you and Misato will attend right?"

"I would not miss the opportunity to see my brother play for anything. Of course we will be attending."

"Thank you." I smile, "It's a shame that…"

I stop myself immediately from finishing that sentence. She's been on my mind a lot recently so I guess it makes sense for me to think that. I guess with finding out about Kaworu being back I've been wondering about her as well. I wonder where she is right not, I wonder if she is happy and doing well for herself.

I look over to see Rei frowning, "I know Shinji, I would have liked that too."

"Do you miss her too?" I ask.

Rei nods, "Yes I do."

"Is that what has been bothering you?" I ask, "I know hearing about Kaworu being back probably brought… certain things back."

She looks over at me, "As I have said, there is nothing bothering me."

"Are you sure? You just see-"

Rei suddenly stands up and snaps at me, "Yes! I am absolutely certain! There is nothing wrong with me at all, you do not need to keep on asking. I am going to go and shower now, thank you again for the cake."

I am given no chance to reply as she moves swiftly past me and into the bathroom. I consider following her and saying something else but I know it'll only make things worse. Instead I simply sit there and silently curse myself for trying to press her further. Maybe I was wrong about the whole thing and nothing was wrong, I should have just said nothing. I guess I'm just not very good at this sort of thing.

The best thing I can probably do now is apologize to her when she comes out. If there is something wrong then Misato can probably deal with it, she's so much better than I am. I should have spoken to her first. What did I ever think I was going to accomplish with it?

I let out a sigh and stand up to take my cello into my bedroom. As I do this I hear the sound of Rei's phone going off, I turn around to see it sat on the coffee table and wonder if I should leave it or take it to her. I listen out for the sound of running water, I can't hear anything so it seems safe to take it to her now and maybe I can apologize as well.

I grab the phone from the table and the screen lights up immediately in my hand. I take a quick look at the top of the message preview just to see who it's from and I see that it is from a private number. It's likely to just be rubbish, in which case I probably shouldn't bother Rei. I quickly check the top of the message to make sure,

'Rei. It's Asuka, please call me. I know you're angry at me but you have to let me explain. I'm free all day today so just call me.'

I feel sick. My stomach is churning as I read over the message again. My head starts spinning and I feel my body start to break out in a cold sweat. My vision goes blurry as I slow my breathing and try to process just what it is I've read. That… can't be true, it has to be some sort of joke right? That can't actually be a message from Asuka.

It just… It can't be! Why would Asuka be sending Rei a message? How could Asuka be sending Rei a message? Asuka isn't… Rei doesn't… They aren't… No… No No No No No, this doesn't make any sense damnit. This has to be a joke because if it isn't then it means something I can't believe. It means that Rei is in contact with Asuka, it means that Rei has been lying to me and Misato and… Rei wouldn't do that, would she?

Questions rush through my mind about the situation. Is this why Rei has seemed out of it for the past day? What did Asuka do? What did Rei do? How long have they been in contact? Why didn't Rei say anything to me or Misato? Rei knows how I feel about Asuka, she knows how much Asuka leaving hurt me so if she knew where Asuka is or that Asuka is alright then why didn't she tell me?

"Shinji?"

I hear Rei's voice from behind me and my grip tightens on her phone. The churning in my stomach hasn't ceased and I start to fear that I might throw up. I slowly stand up straight and turn to face her. She shoots me a look of concern but then looks from my face to the phone clutched tightly in my hand.

"What are you doing with my phone, is everything alright?"

"Y-Your phone… You… A message, I didn't mean to read it. I thought it was junk but…"

"A message…" She looks at me directly in the eyes and immediately I see a look of fear spread across her face, "From who?"

"Asuka…" I reply as I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes, "I-Is it really her?"

Rei looks at me and opens her mouth halfway before closing it. She looks terrified and stands silently for a moment before lowering her head, "Yes… It is."

Her admission makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut. So it really was Asuka who sent that message, it really was her. I feel like I should be delighted that she is alright but all I feel is anger and sadness.

"H-How long have you been in contact with her?" I ask trying to keep the tears at bay.

"Just over three years…" She admits, "I… The first time I went to Europe was to track her down and I did…"

"Track her down! You mean you've actually met her?" I raise my voice as I ask her, "For over three years you've been in contact with her and not said anything to me?"

Rei simply nods her head, I can see a tear rolling down her cheek, "Yes."

"Why? Why would you hide that from me Rei? Y-You knew…" My voice starts to crack with emotion, "After what happened Rei, you hid this from me? Why?"

"I… I can explain Shinji, it isn't…" She almost sobs as she speaks, "I didn't want to hide it from you."

"But you did! Why?"

Rei seems to hesitate for a moment, "She didn't want me to tell you… It's…"

If the admission before felt like a punch to the gut this felt like a punch and a kick. I stare at Rei blankly and try to take in what she has just said. I wait for her to maybe add something else but she seems unable to do so as she stands there sobbing. I feel tears rolling down my own cheeks and anger within me, "She… didn't want you to?"

Rei shakes her head, "I wanted to but…"

"Then why didn't you?" I yell back at her, "I'm supposed to be your brother! You knew… You knew how I felt about her and you hid this from me! All those times you spoke about missing her and how bad you felt about her leaving and you were speaking to her all along."

"I-I know…"

"I trusted you Rei… I thought I thought I could trust you but you… You betrayed me, you're… you're just like him!"

"Shinji please!"

"No!" I shout back at her, "Just… Leave me alone."

I barge my way past her and back into the hallway. I have to leave, I have to get out of this apartment, I don't know where but I just know I have to get far away from here. Behind me I hear her call out and sob but I ignore it as I shove a pair of shoes on and rush out of the front door. I wipe away the tears from my eyes and run from the apartment as quickly as I can. I rush down the stairs and out onto the street, I jog onto another street and into a nearby alleyway to stop for a moment. My stomach is still churning and I worry for a brief moment that I might throw up but I manage to stop myself.

I look back towards the alleyway entrance to see if anyone has followed me. No one has, at least not yet. I take a moment to try to think about what has just happened. Rei found Asuka three years ago and has been in contact with her ever since. I still can't believe she would do that and not tell me, I think about what she said about Asuka not wanting her to tell me about it. Why would Rei agree to that?

I just don't understand and I don't think I want to. I just want to get away from here. I check my pockets and see I've got my transport cards and phone with me. I have to get away from this place and this. I need to be alone where no one can find me and work this out. I need to get away from Rei.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Altered a bit of Shinji's scene, spoke to @Alex who said it might be a good idea to play up Shinji's enthusiasm with the cello and add in a bit more detail about that section. So I reworked a bit of the conversation between Shinji & Rei about the session and the instructors plans.

---

"Did you play anything?"

I nod enthusiastically, "Yeah! We didn't really have time to prepare anything so we decided it'd be best to just improvise. We decided on a key to play in and I just played some basic chords over a metronome, she would jump in and accompany me with a solo on her violin! It was incredible, I think people were actually impressed with us!"

Rei is smiling at this point so I continue, "The others were really good as well. Some of them already had an idea of what they wanted to play. We heard people play some things by Bach, some Mozart and one pair even tried to play some film themes. You should have heard them Rei!"

Rei smiles, "That is good to hear!"

"Yeah! After we each played for the group the conductor gathered us around and told us a bit more about what the performance he wanted to put on. He had this idea to do a history of music from the 18th​ Century onwards, composers like Bach and Beethoven but also move through to modern day."

I remember what he shown us and smile, "He gave us a potential playlist, I'm not exactly familiar with a lot of it. The classical stuff I know and like because it was what I grew up listening to but I don't know the modern stuff. He played a brief bit of some of it and it sounds quite complicated, I didn't realize the arrangements for some of the songs could be so complex, the time signatures used and the compositions are…"

I look over to see Rei almost grinning at me as I carry on speaking. I feel my face turning red realizing that I'm just talking and not really letting her speak, "Sorry, I'm… Anyway, It sounds quite complicated… I just hope I can do it."

My words seem to draw a faint smile from Rei, "Do not apologize, it is wonderful to hear you speak to passionately and I have absolutely no doubt that you will be excellent. You are extremely talented."

I can feel my cheeks glowing red, "I… I just practice a lot. I'm… not that good really, I still make a lot of mistakes and there are some things I can't play."

"And that is why you continue to practice so that you will be able to play such things and make fewer mistakes. I have heard you and you are very good, you should give yourself more credit."

I swallow down the words I'm about to speak to further downplay my abilities. It's a habit I need to get out of, that I'm trying hard to get out of. Rei is right, I do practice a lot and the reason I practice so much is so that I can play more advanced pieces one day.

I mean in many ways I already do play some complicated material. I also have a good grasp of the theory behind it. I'm able to read music, I can play in a variety of more complex time signatures with ease and I can handle transcribing music fairly well. So instead of downplaying it all I look at say and speak words I'm unfamiliar with when it comes to a compliment, "Thank you."

 

[jcmoorehead]

16th​ September 2021 – Early Evening - Kaworu's Apartment
This is a situation that I never expected myself to be in. It isn't even because of the person who I'm sat with but just because I never saw myself doing something like this. I could never see myself being the sort of person who would be sat cuddling with someone on a couch. I was so convinced that I was best off being alone, that I isolated myself from even pursuing that sort of thing.

The idea of it, well I guess it appealed to me. I've never really longed for closeness, I don't think I'll ever be an especially touchy-feely kind of person but I know how nice it can feel to just be hugged by something. I suppose that's why I always appreciated seeing Rei, she is someone who enjoys hugging people and it always felt nice, it was that confirmation that someone cared.

Strangely though I'm not the one being held right now. Instead it is Kaworu who I'm holding in my arms and who is cuddling up to me. I'm the one running my hand through his soft silvery hair whilst he lies on the couch. To someone more traditional it probably looks weird but I don't care, I'm not a traditional person and it's just nice to have him close to me regardless of who is cuddling who.

Unfortunately, this moment of bliss is broken when I begin to feel my phone ring in my pocket. Kaworu immediately lifts himself up off of me and smiles at me, "You should answer that, it could be Rei."
I nod, "Yeah... I know, I'll take it in your bedroom."

I get up and leave the comfort of the couch and the warmth of Kaworu behind and slip into the bedroom. I pull out my phone and see that it is indeed Rei and my chest tightens in anticipation. I know I asked her to call me so I should have expected it but I have no idea what she or I am going to say. The way in which she hung up yesterday and the tone of the message she sent me, she seemed so angry and a small part of me can't blame her for that.

I know exactly how she feels about Kaworu and her need to protect Shinji from being hurt. I know she sees Kaworu as an enemy and someone who caused nothing but pain and so the idea of me being a friend to Kaworu was bad enough, never mind me kissing him or being more than friends.

At the same time, I can't help but feel some annoyance with Rei. She didn't give me a chance to explain what had happened properly before hanging up. She doesn't seem to understand my side of things in this, does she really think that I'd be friends with or kiss someone who causes her and Shinji so much pain? She knows I care about Shinji and don't want to see him hurt myself. If I had even the slightest suspicion that Kaworu might not be what I say he is does she really think I'd be doing this?

I realize though that I should tread carefully regarding the subject. From now on I should probably not mention the fact that we kissed or my feelings for him. I certainly shouldn't mention that we spent most of yesterday afternoon making out with each other on his couch, nor should I mention that that is pretty much how we've spent this evening.

I ready myself to answer the phone and wonder if her anger will have subsided. As I mentioned before, Rei can be stubborn. I've never really seen her angry before but I know she can hold grudges against people who hurt her even if it is something simple. I remember a time she refused to speak to Misato for a fortnight after some of Misato's cooking made her ill.

So, I'm apprehensive as I answer the phone wondering if this is the phonecall that ends our friendship. I take a deep breath, "Hello?"

What I'm greeted by surprises no, no it actually frightens me because it isn't Rei's soft voice that I hear replying to me, it isn't the angry sounding Rei that hung up on me yesterday. Instead I'm greeted by a loud sob followed by a hysterical sounding Rei, "A-Asuka... Asuka..."

My chest tightens some more, "Rei? Is everything alright?"

I silently curse myself for asking such a stupid question. I can almost hear my older self-taunting me. 'What are you, stupid? Of course, she isn't alright, she's sobbing down the phone at you!'

As I hear another sob I realize there is something about hearing Rei cry like this scares me. Rei doesn't express emotion like this, her expression is slight and quiet. Subtle shifts in tone or the way she looks, she isn't outward like this. Many might mistake Rei for being emotionless but of course being her friend and knowing her like I do I can notice things. It's not like I haven't seen her cry before, she cried when I showed her my book and the character based on her for the first time and she cried when she confided in me about a former partner.

So, I'm frightened right now because I don't know what could have brought this on because this is not a subtle shift, this is a full-on torrent.

"A-Asuka... I... Something... Something bad... I... I don't know what to do... Shinji... He... He saw and... I did something bad... I'm a bad person Asuka... I'm sorry... I couldn't... I'm sorry... I'm Sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

Shinji... She said Shinji's name! My heart leaps into my throat and that feeling of fear grows. I rise up from the edge of the bed slowly. Has something happened to Shinji? I can barely make out what Rei is saying through her sobs but she said she did something bad. She couldn't have hurt him, could she? No, that's stupid, she isn't capable of that.

"Rei, please slow down, you're not making any sense." I try to calm the poor girl down and figure out what the hell has happened.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"REI!" I raise my voice to try to stop her from apologizing.

I'm sorry!"

"WONDERGIRL!" I raise my voice again and this time it seems to get through to her and she stops, "Will you please calm down and tell me what the hell has happened!"

I hear a small sniff from the other end of the line as she seemed to try and compose herself. It's at least a minute of hearing her sniffing before she speaks again, "I... Yes... Yes I... I will try, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you've made it quite clear that you're sorry!" I say sternly, "Now, what has happened Rei?"

I hear another sniff but she at least seems to have composed herself now and can speak to me. I wait for her to tell me what has happened with some apprehension. I fear to think about what could have
causes Rei of all people to be in such a state.

"Me and Shinji… Had an argument. I was out of the room and your message came through, he… saw it when he went to give my phone to me."

Shit.

"So… Shinji knows about me?"

"Yes."

I let out a sigh and shake my head, so that must be what has caused all of this. Shinji found out that Rei knew about me. I wonder just how much he knows, I wonder what she has told him and how she told him. I can only imagine how the poor idiot has reacted to all of this. I know he hates the idea of people lying to him and this… this is one hell of a thing to keep from him.

"I am so sorry." Rei speaks again, "I know you wished for this to be kept secret and I have failed to do that for you."

"No." I shake my head again and for some reason I actually smile, "It's okay Rei, you didn't fail. It… Wasn't your fault, now tell me what happened, from the beginning."

"Okay." I hear her take a few breathes of her own to steady herself, "After I… got angry yesterday I had been unable to shake that. I had been questioning whether I was right to be upset and the entire situation. Shinji… noticed that something was wrong with me. He… continued to ask if I was alright and so I got annoyed with him."

"Understandable." I nod.

"Perhaps but… he was right to be concerned about me. Yet I could not tell him because of what it was regarding."

"Of course." I agree, "So what happened after you got annoyed."

"I went to take a shower but I realized I had forgotten my phone to listen to some music. When I went back into the front room to get it I saw that Shinji had it in his hand. I had just received your message and he was going to bring the phone to me but he… had already seen the message at that point."

"I see."

I hear Rei start to cry softly again as this entire scene runs through my mind. My own carelessness has caused this. I put my name in the message thinking that only Rei would see it. I went against what we agreed again. I am the reason for Rei being so upset right now and also the reason that Shinji is… doing whatever Shinji does when he is upset.

It's weird but whilst I feel bad for Rei and Shinji I also feel a strange sense of relief that Shinji knows about me. I was always putting off getting back in contact with them, waiting to say the right thing or compose the right message. Perhaps even waiting for them to seek me out first. I was always putting it off though and stretching this lie out. It happening this way seems sort of apt for who I am and it feels like this weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

At the same time that weight has been replaced by a new one. The weight of guilt at what my actions have caused. This situation is my fault, I have no doubt about that. If I hadn't have asked her to keep that stupid promise, if I had have sent the e-mail sooner and not been a coward then this could have been avoided. I have to put this right, I have to fix this.

"I am so sorry that I have let you down Asuka."

"Rei… You haven't let me down. Don't worry about it, this is… this is all my fault. I should never have asked you to do this in the first place and… well I have been careless recently. Something was bound to go wrong wasn't it? I mean… this is me we're talking about, when doesn't it go wrong?"

To my relief I actually hear a small chuckle from Rei, "Please… do not say that. You do a lot of good things and deserve to have good things happen to you as well."

"Well what I do and deserve doesn't matter right now, this is about you and Shinji. What did he say to you when he found out?"

"He asked me how long I had been in contact with you and how. I told him what I could but he did not give me the opportunity to explain. He… did not take any of it well, he left but before he left he said that… I was just like our father."

I feel something snap inside of me as I hear Rei speak those words to me. Shinji… he actually said that to her? He actually accused her of being like that? The idiot! How dare he compare Rei to that bastard! After all she has done for him, after all the times she has been there for him, all the night she has spent caring for him! After all she has been through herself how dare he say such a horrible thing to her!

"HE SAID WHAT?" I yell and instantly regret it, Rei is upset enough without me yelling.

I hear Rei sniff again, "He said that… I was just like our father. I… I deserved it, he is right… I hid…"

"NO!" I cut her off immediately, "You listen to me Rei… You are nothing like that pathetic excuse for a human. I don't care how mad Shinji is or was, he had no right to say that to you. You are a good person and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. This thing… it's my fault. So… I'm going to put this right."

"H-How?" She asks me.
Good question, I think to myself and try to think about what, if anything I can do. Eventually an idea forms in my mind, I didn't quite expect to be doing this but… to hell with it. Going to have to go all in at this point.

"Did Shinji take his phone with him?"

"Yes… I believe he did."

"Okay…" I sigh, "Send me his number and I'll call him and speak to him. You… You go and calm yourself down okay. Go and have a bath and a cup of tea, go and do whatever it is you do to calm yourself and I'll sort this out. When does Misato come home?"

"Not until later this evening."

"Okay good, I'll get this sorted before she comes home." I sit myself back down on the bed and idly play with the edge of one of the pillows, "I'll speak to him, I'll calm him down and explain the entire thing. I'll sort this out."

"No… You do not need to. This is my fault! I ha-"

"Rei!" I cut her off sternly. It's perhaps inappropriate but I realize with some amusement just how much she actually sounds like her brother when she is upset, "Believe me… I do have to do this, I should have spoken to him a long time ago. I shouldn't have asked you to do any of this so just… let me speak to him. I'll put the idiot straight and get him home to you."

"Do you think you'll be able to?" She asks me, her voice still trembling as she speaks.

"I'm Asuka Langley Soryu! Of course I'll be able to!" I speak confidently, admittedly I'm not completely confident I will be able to but I have to try.

"Okay… Thank you Asuka. Thank you so much, I'll… send you the details."

"Good, I'll talk to you later then, you… just go and releax."

"Yes. I will."

"Goodbye."

I hand up the phone and sit for a brief moment in silence trying to think about what I'll say to Shinji. I'm given barely any chance to think about it before Kaworu enters the room with a worried look on his face, "Is everything okay Asuka, I heard shouting?"

I shake my head at him and let out a laugh, "No… Everything isn't alright…"

He looks at me in confusion, "I do not understand, how come you are laughing?"

"Because it's… absurd." I shrug, "Because… despite it being alright I also feel relieved I guess. Shinji… Knows about me now, he saw the message I sent to Rei and… she told him about us being in contact for the past few years."

"Oh… I see." Kaworu kneels down in front of me and reached up to cup my cheek with his hand, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah… Well… Sort of, I feel relieved that he finally knows but the way he found out has… caused them to argue. So I… have to sort that out."

"They argued?" He asks.

"Yup, Shinji… didn't take the news well. Not entirely unexpected, he saw it as Rei lying to him and didn't really give her a chance to explain. I can't exactly blame him but he said something pretty bad to Rei, he said she was like their father."

Kaworu lowers his eyes at me saying this, "I see… I can understand why that would be upsetting. I would also dislike being compared to those who might be considered my parents. It would be… very hurtful."

"Yeah… Bring up parents for any of us is a bit of a no go area." I bring my own hand up at his point and run it through Kaworu's hair and cup his cheek, "So I'm going to speak to him."

"What are you going to say?"

"I'm not sure yet. I guess I'll just have to explain it all to him and fix this thing between him and Rei." I frown, "I kinda want to yell at him for what he said but… I don't think that'll be a good idea."

Kaworu smiles, "No, Shinji is… fragile and likely to be in a lot of pain. I do not think it would help."

I smile back at him, "I will however have to be honest with him and tell him that he shouldn't have said that. I'll remind him of how much Rei cares for him and what she has done for him. I think… the problem is that Misato and Rei have gone from ignoring his issues too much to being afraid to push him and be tough with him."

"And you do not fear that?" Kaworu grins at me.

"Of course not, I wasn't afraid to be tough with you… was I?" I pull his face towards me and kiss him softly on the lips. As we kiss I feel Kaworu's hand slide down to my shoulder and gently start to push me backwards onto the bed. I let him guide my body as he brings himself up onto the bed and positions himself over me.

Our tongues dance as I feel the warmth and weight of his body on top of mine, I feel his hand go from my shoulder and run itself along the side of my body. I feel my body react appropriately to his passion and I can also feel his body reacting to it. I let my hands explore his body, one running along his back and the other firmly on his backside.

Unfortunately our impromptu make out session is broken when I hear my phone go off. I break the kiss and push him away playfully, "Guess it'll have to wait Angel Boy, I've got a phone call to make."

 

[jcmoorehead]

So this one comes with a song that I feel is quite apt for Shinji's mood at this moment in time. As with a lot of chapter titles it of course comes from a Meat Loaf song/lyric. The fic is named after a Meat Loaf/Jim Steinman song so going to keep up the trend as best I can

Spoiler

Tokyo-2 Outskirts – Shinji Ikari
I quietly mumble a thank you to the driver as I step off the bus and put my headphone back into my ears. The sound of cicadas gives way to the music of Beethoven as I stumble forward slight, my legs slightly stiff from nearly an hour of no movement. I pause for a moment in the bus shelter and feel tears burning at the backs of my eyes once more.

I could let them fall here, there aren't any people around to see me. This was the last stop for the bus before it went to the next town and it was so very hard to stay composed throughout the journey here. There were moments that I didn't think I've be able to keep it together but I had to. As long as there were people around I wouldn't be able to cry.

As I step out of the shelter I realize I don't really have anywhere to go tonight. I can't really go home now. Not with Rei there waiting for me, not after what she has done and not after what I've said. I can't go to see my friends, they simply wouldn't understand or they'd worry too much about me.

There was a brief moment when I was deciding what to do that I considered going to a bar and getting completely drunk. I actually considered just going in and drinking until I didn't feel any of this pain anymore. For a minute or two the idea did appeal to me until I realized how I'd probably end up, I've seen Misato do similar things in the past after all. So when I stood outside the bar I just couldn't bring myself to do it, besides I don't really like the taste of alcohol anyway.

So I've come to this place instead, right now I'm at the foot of a large hill that looks over the city of Tokyo-2. It's late in the day, just at the point that the sun is starting to set so there will be very few, if any, people around to see me. That's good, right at this moment I just want to be on my own, I want to be away from everyone and everything.

The track changes in my ears and I start to walk up the hill until I reach a small clearing that seems to have been set aside as a little picnic area. Whoever was here earlier today has left some of their trash behind and I move past it to a small scattering of nearby rocks. I prop myself up against once of the rocks and look out over the vast skyline of the city.

I've done this before, many years ago in a city that no longer exists. It was just after I had defeated the fourth Angel. During the battle I had disobeyed Misato's ordered, when confronted by her I acted like a brat. I felt she was only using me as a tool, I felt like they all were, I felt like all they cared about was getting me into that damn Eva so I could defeat the Angels. What did I matter to them?

I was wrong, at least… for the most part I was. Misato… She did care but I didn't make it easy and… I cared about her but she certainly didn't make it easy. There were other factors in my decision to run away then though. I had just seen my father for the first time in years and he was just as he always was, cold… distant and clearly didn't care about me. In school I had just been attacked for something that wasn't my fault, yet I blamed myself for it anyway.

It was all too much, there were too many things in my mind and I just had to get away from it. I had to isolate myself and just run. I wandered Tokyo-3 for an entire evening, sleeping in an all-night cinema and on a bench. I got on the trains and buses as far as I could until I found myself out of the city. I could have kept going but… I didn't have the nerve to or… maybe I didn't want to.

I ended up walking around some of the countryside and I encountered Kensuke. I thought he was odd at first, now I don't think he's odd, I know he is odd. Back then he was a military otaku, obsessed with the armed forces and even more so with the Eva's. He always used to say I was lucky back then, he wanted to pilot an Eva so badly. That changed after Third Impact, he actually apologized to me. He still loves the way the Eva's were and how powerful they were but he said he'd never want to go near one.

I let out a sigh as I sit myself down on the ground and continue to look out over the city. It's quiet and peaceful here, if I wasn't feeling so bad right now I'd like to come here on an evening and look at the stars. As it is all I can do is thinking about the reason I've ran. I almost expect to hear her calling after me to be honest. I don't think Rei followed me though, I think I was gone before she had a chance to come after me.

A part of me still can't quite believe it and yet I know it's the truth. Rei has been in contact with Asuka for over three years. She has kept this hidden from me for all that time. She has visited Asuka, she has spent time with her and in all that time she has kept up this façade of missing her and pretending to not know anything.

I'm just… I'm so angry at her for it. She knows exactly how I feel about Asuka. She knows what Asuka means to me, she knows how upset I was when Asuka left and yet she could do something like this. Why Rei? Why did you do this? Why couldn't you tell me?

I try to search for an answer and one phrase pops into my head. Rei said it during our argument, 'She didn't want me to tell you…'

Why? Why didn't she want you to tell me Rei and why did you agree to that? After all the lies that have hurt us in the past you thought it would be best to just agree to that even though you know it'd hurt me? Why didn't you speak to her? Why didn't you tell her you couldn't agree to that? You must have known it'd hurt me and you must have known the truth would come out eventually.

My mind now turns from Rei to Asuka herself, I can't really blame her for not wanting me to know about her. I know that in all likelihood I'm the reason for her leaving. I know just how much I hurt her before Third Impact, I violated her in her hospital room and then I left her to die against those damn Eva's. It was best she did get away from me.

Even when she came back, we both said that we were going to do more but then that changed. I made no effort to help her. I could see she was hurting, I could tell but I just couldn't bring myself to say or do anything. What right did I have to help her? How could someone like me have helped her? I know, I know I know I know how much of an idiot I am, I should have just spoken to her but I let her down. I don't blame her for leaving and hating me.

It's funny in a way but the night she left I had this strange dream. I dreamt that she had come into my room whilst I was asleep and she actually spoke to me. She said she loved me and wished me a happy Birthday. What a joke of a dream that was, as if Asuka would ever feel something like that for me. Still… When I woke up that morning she had left me a card and a gift, it made it seem like it was real.

I shake my head and feel those tears burning in the backs of my eyes again. There is no one here so I may as well let them fall. They silently trickle down my cheeks as I just sit and watch the city from afar. My anger has subsided now to just feeling completely rotten. I have a right to be angry, I know that but now I also feel sad and as I remember some of the things I said to Rei I also feel guilty. I suppose that just sums me up, doesn't it?

I sit for another minute and suddenly begin to feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I wonder for a moment if I should just ignore it, the chances are it'll be Rei. I take the phone out and look at the screen to see a number I don't recognize. It's probably someone from the music group but I'm not really in a fit state to answer so I cancel the call and put the device back in my pocket. Whoever it is can wait.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Kaworu's Apartment – Asuka Langley Soryu
I stare at my phone clenched tightly in my hand for a moment, completely dumbfounded and yet not entirely surprised by what has just happened. The idiot has declined my call, the goddamn idiot actually chose to cancel the damn call!

If I wasn't so angry at the situation I'd actually laugh because in all honesty I should have expected this to happen. I've spent years avoiding contact with him, I've spent so much time over the last few weeks agonizing over contacting him that I should have known this would happen. I should have known that when I finally make that leap there would be another obstacle! Of course there was going to be another one, this is exactly what being Asuka Langley Soryu is all about.

No… This isn't what being me is about, I try to calm myself down and think about this logically. This isn't because of who I am at all. This is because of who Shinji is and because of what has happened to him today. It makes sense that he would decline any phone call after the bust up between him and Rei. The guy is probably upset and doesn't want to be bothered by anyone, I know I would be.

Of course I'm not going to accept this, I made a promise to Rei that I would sort this out and if I have to sit here all night and keep calling him then I will. I don't care if it takes five or fifty phone calls, I will talk to Shinji tonight and I will sort out this damn situation.

I've already added Shinji as a contact on my phone so I pull up his contact details again. I take another deep breath to steady myself and hit the call button. I suppose this little period of waiting gives me time to figure out just what it is I'll say to him, although I imagine I'll probably say nothing of what I have in my head.

There is a brief moment of silence and then the phone starts to ring. It rings once and then it rings a second time. We make it to three and then to four. We're further than we were before, maybe he's going to answer it this ti- Nope, line goes dead and I know he's cancelled the call. I didn't even get to his voice mail. Stupid… Idiot… Shinji!

I bring the phone back down angrily and stare it at evaluating exactly what I should do next. First thing I have to do and I've already come up against an obstacle but what good am I if I can't overcome something like this?

I know if I try calling him again then he'll probably just decline the call, I can't see him answering it willingly. He doesn't know who it is calling him, to him it could be anyone and the worst case for him would be Rei. He wants to be away from her right now. Worst case scenario is that he just blocks my number outright, if he does that then I do have a backup, I can just use another phone but it's that sort of behavior that will earn me a restraining order.

Shinji probably needs to know it's safe to answer the phone and therefore I have an idea. It's simple and might not work but it's worth a try. I'll message him and let him know it's me. I'll try to call him again and he'll answer. Simple but the question is, will he even check his messages? After two phonecalls he might have just put it on silence or just ignore it. I'm wasting time thinking about this, it's now or never Asuka.

'Idiot Shinji, answer your damn phone! We need to talk! Asuka.'

I give him about half a minute or so to ensure the message reached him and he has a chance to read it. I grab the phone again and select his contact details and touch the call button. There is the brief moment of silence once more as we're connected and then the phone starts to ring.

It rings the first time… then the second, it's about to ring a third time when I hear a clicking noise and a found from the other end. There is a pause and then the sound of a trembling and oh so recognizable voice. Instantly I feel my heart leap into my mouth, I feel my body start to shake, I feel sweat forming on my forehead.

'I feel sick.'

"H-Hello?"

 

[jcmoorehead]

Tokyo-2 Outskirts – Shinji Ikari

As I put my phone back in my pocket I gaze out over the city once again. I look towards the side of the city where our apartment is. I can't make out the exact building from here but it's one of the quieter parts of the city only a short walk from the train station.

I manage to find the train tracks and follow it a little bit of the way, after three stops I stop following it and look around that area. Around there the buildings are larger and closer together, there is a large park separating two of the larger apartment blocks and ahead of that is the building for our group. It's strange for me to think that a few hours ago I was in there and actually happy.

I feel my phone start to ring in my pocket. I pull the device out and see it's the same number as before. I'm sorry to whoever this is but I really don't feel like talking right now. Please try again later. I cancel the call hoping that this time they get the message and don't try again. If it is one of the people from the group I guess I'll have to come up with an excuse for being unable to answer.

That can wait though, I put the phone back in my pocket and resume my gazing at the city. A cool breeze is starting to roll in now along with the setting sun. I'll probably have to leave here soon, the bus finishes serving this area in an hour and a half and it's a long walk back to the city. Still, I don't know where I'm going to go. I really don't want to go home but I also don't want to worry Misato.

I guess I could go to Kensuke's and stay there for the night. He wouldn't mind and I don't think he'd ask too many questions either. I could tell Misato that I'm staying there tonight and she wouldn't worry about it. I wonder if Misato is even home yet, she's been working quite late for the past week or two. If she is home I wonder what Rei has told her, if Rei has told her anything at all.

Rei might have lied about it and said I was out at a friend's. She might be playing innocent in front of Misato. Before today I'd never have suspected such a thing but with what I know now I can see it happening. A darker thought enters my mind, what if Misato knew about Asuka too? It's possible that the two of them were hiding it from me, after all Misato isn't one who likes being kept in the dark and she did try to find Asuka when she left.

No… I can't believe Misato would do that. She would have told me is Asuka is alright. She would have said something.

'You mean like she told you about Kaworu?'

No, that was different. She didn't have the opportunity and she spoke to me about him anyway.

'After leaving it to Rei, she could have known about Asuka all along. She could even have helped Asuka leave and just pretended to look for her!'

No, that doesn't make sense. Rei wouldn't have helped her leave, they barely spoke to each other then. I just don't understand it, I don't understand why Rei would not tell me. I don't understand why Rei would lie like that when she knows what lies have done to us.

God damnit Rei why… why would you do this? Why would you hurt me like this? Why would you betray me like this? I feel my hands clench themselves into a fist, my nails painfully dig into the palms of my hands but I don't mind. It's nothing compared to what I'm feeling inside.

My phone vibrates in my pocket thankfully putting an end this train of though. It doesn't seem to be a phone call this time and I wonder if whoever it was before has gotten the message and gave up. Still I wonder if I should look at it, it's most likely from Rei or Misato telling me they're worried about me and want me to come home.

I should probably ignore it. I should just let them worry about me but… I can't do that. I take my stupid phone out of my pocket and check the message. I see immediately it's from the person who has already tried calling me twice before.

I read the contents of the e-mail and as I do I feel my entire body freeze. My hand tightens around the phone and I begin to feel a knot in the pit of my stomach.

'Idiot Shinji, answer your damn phone! We need to talk! Asuka.'

No… This… This isn't real, that can't be real. This has to be some sort of trick or prank but… why? Why would someone do this? Who would even do something like this? I just… know that that can't really be Asuka. Why would she contact me, after all this time why and how would she be contacting me?

My hand starts to shake as suddenly the phone starts to ring again. It's the same number and I start to question whether I've really just ignored two phone calls from Asuka? Could it really be her? I don't know if I should ignore this one, what if it isn't and it's just some horrible trick to get me to answer but… what if it isn't?

I'm barely able to keep my hand still as I raise the phone up to my ear and accept the call. It takes me some time before I'm able to stutter out a feeble greeting, "H-Hello?"
I'm greeted by silence and immediately begin to wonder if this really is just a stupid joke. A few more seconds roll by before I hear the sound of someone sighing, it's a woman and my heart begins to pound faster in my chest. A moment later she finally speaks, she sounds barely any different than she did four and a half years ago, "Hello Shinji."

"A-Asuka!" I speak her name unsure as to what I should be feeling right now. A part of me still can't quite believe it, so I ask for confirmation, "Is… Is it really you?"
I hear what sounds like a faint laugh, "Yes Shinji… It's really me. Can we talk?"

My entire body breaks out in a cold sweat at that confirmation and my mouth goes completely dry. I open it to speak but no words come out so instead I feebly nod at her question. A motion I soon realize is completely stupid given that she can't see me. I open my mouth again to reply but I'm still unable to speak. There are too many things racing through my mind right now, I can feel my chest tightening as I struggle to filter any of it out.

I can't figure out what to say to her or what I should be thinking. I don't know if I should be happy or sad about this. I don't know if I should be afraid or angry. I don't know if I should start asking her how she is or why she left. I don't know if I should ask her what she has been doing or if I should talk about myself. I don't know if I should ask her if she knows about Rei or anything. I… I need to stop, I need to calm down. Too many thoughts… Too many thoughts… I can't think…

I take a deep breath and try to just focus on Asuka's question for now. Can I talk, not exactly but I can listen. I try to filter out everything else and just focus on replying to her, eventually I manage to mumble out a confirmation, "Yes…"

There is another faint laugh from her, "Heh, still not much with words eh? Well don't worry about that. I don't expect you to say much… if anything at all. After what I've got to say I don't really expect you to ever want to speak to me again but I ask that you at least listen to what I have to say."

"O-Okay…" I take in her words and continue trying to calm myself down. Asuka doesn't expect me to say anything, that's good because right now I can't think of what to say. I can listen for now.

"First of all… I should probably start by saying I'm sorry." She pauses for a moment, "I'm sorry I left you guys the way I did, I'm sorry it took me so damn long to get in contact and I'm sorry about what has happened between you and Rei."

I was starting to slowly calm down but hearing her say Rei's name sends a pang of panic through me, "You know about that?"

"Yes I do." Asuka's tone darkens as she speaks, "She called me shortly after you left her. She told me about what had happened and about what you said to her."

"O-Oh…" I glance down at the ground shamefully knowing that one of the first things Asuka is mentioning to me after all this time is that argument with Rei, "So… it is true then, you and her have been in contact with each other for… all that time?"

"Yes, it's true Shinji."

"How?"

"About a year after I returned to Germany she turned up. She had managed to track me down and she intended to bring me back to you guys." Asuka laughs, "She was so… unlike the Rei I had known. She had grown and she was determined to do it but… I stopped her. I wasn't ready to go back and I had a breakdown. I don't really want to talk about it but she was there for me and said she would help me."

Asuka… broke down in front of Rei? If it wasn't Asuka telling me this I wouldn't be able to believe such a thing had happened. She never really got along with Rei, before Third Impact it seemed like she hated Rei and after it they barely spoke. I know Rei always wanted to talk to Asuka, to try and be her friend and even missed her but this is not what I imagined.

"I needed a friend Shinji, I had been alone in Germany for a year and I was miserable and Rei… was that friend I needed. I asked for something in return though, I asked that in exchange for friendship she not reveal she had met me to you or anyone else… at least not yet. I wasn't ready to come back or have anyone else there."

I almost start to protest as I process Asuka's words. I almost suggest that maybe Rei could have persuaded her or done something else. I almost ask why it took so long and why Rei was comfortable lying to me for all that time.

"I understand you're mad at Rei but if you want to be mad at someone then you should be mad at me. I'm the one who left you guys, I'm the one who isolated myself and I'm the one who asked her to keep it all secret."

I can feel my anger starting to subside on hearing her words and they're replaced with a rotten feeling. Still I have to know more, Rei still went along with this lie and didn't say anything, I know she didn't want to betray Asuka but was it really that easy for her?

"Did Rei really… agree to it?"

I hear another laugh, "No… Not at first anyway. She wanted to take me back to you guys and thought it'd help me and tried to get me to think of another option but I was stubborn. I said it'd only be for a little while until… I was ready I guess but that time never came. She would ask a lot and try to get me to do something but I never would."

"I see…"

"You know… a part of me always wondered if she had secretly told you or Misato about it and you guys were just waiting for me to come back. I guess today confirms she did keep it all a secret."

"Y-Yeah… I didn't know anything." I confirm.

"I'm sorry Shinji… I know you hate being lied to and I know this is a pretty big one but please… if you're going to be mad at someone then be mad at me."

I shake my head as I continue trying to process this entire situation. I don't know if I'll be able to tonight or even in a week but the more Asuka speaks the more guilt starts to creep in about the argument with Rei.

"I… I said something horrible to Rei." I suddenly say.

"I know you did."

"I… I don't know what to do." I feel tears burning in my eyes, "I didn't… I had no idea about any of this and you… I didn't know and I said… I said she was like our father!"

"Yes… She told me." I can hear the anger in Asuka's voice as she speaks, "You have to do what you're good at Shinji, apologize."

"No… No I can't… I can't do that, she won't forgive me… I went too far."

"Idiot!" She cuts me off, "Rei wants her brother home and safe, she was hurt by what you said but she is more worried about you. She's worried you'll do something stupid and get hurt!"

I try to calm my breathing, "Yeah… You're right… I… I just can't yet. I need a bit more time."

"Well try to not take as long as I have." Asuka laughs, her comment drawing a smile from me as well, "Are you mad at me Shinji?"

"I… I don't know Asuka, I… I still don't really understand a few things. I don't understand why you left." I pause for a moment, "It was so sudden, I thought… I thought I had some something wrong, or there was something wrong with you. I know I hurt you Asuka and I know I could have done more but…"

"Oh Shinji, you idiot!" She cuts me off again, "It was nothing to do with you or anyone else there. It was me, it was just something I had to do. When I was there with you guys all I could think about was how awful I was, all I could think about was that horrible bratty girl from before Third Impact. All the things she had said or done to you all and I was frightened of being her again."

"A-Asuka…" I trail off and give her the chance to say more.

"When I looked at the three of you… It was like looking at a family, you had your sister and your mother with Rei and Misato and me… I didn't belong in that group. I didn't deserve to be a part of that group…"

"Asuka you…" My voice almost cracks but I manage to keep it in check, "I don't understand, you… You did belong with us. We all cared for you and we all knew why you did the things you did. We all forgave you just like we forgave each other. When we returned it was supposed to be a fresh start! You weren't that person anymore"

"I know! I know that! Rei has already told me enough times!" I can hear the frustration in her voice when she speaks, "But you know it isn't that easy don't you? She is there all the time, reminding me of every horrible thing I have said or done. It's always there when I sleep and I can't shake it. I know I'm not that person but… That doesn't seem to help! You understand, don't you?"

"Yeah… I do…" I sigh, "Each and every day I'm reminded of the mistakes I made before Third Impact and the things I did during it. I remember all the times I hurt people and feel like I don't serve to be here. I feel like at any moment someone will recognize me for what I really am and I'll get what I deserve."

"I hurt you guys so much so… I thought the best thing would be to remove myself so you three could be happy."

"Did you ever plan on coming back?"

"Eventually I guess but… I just never felt like I was ready to. The longer I was away the less I felt I'd be able to come back. Like I said, Rei kept on trying to push me to come back. She's always tell me things about you and Misato to try to encourage me to get in contact."

"Rei… told you about us?" I ask in surprise.

"Of course she did you idiot!!" Asuka barks back at me, "Rei was so proud of you! She always spoke about you and I was happy to listen, I wanted to know things about you and Misato and the others. I wanted to know you were all okay and it seemed like you were and in a way that… it just confirmed that I was right, you were all happier without me."

"But we all missed you! Misato, Hikari and even Touji and Kensuke did!"

"The fact that the stooges missed me doesn't exactly fill me with joy." She lets out a laugh, "But I appreciate the effort. Rei… told me that you've started playing the cello again?"

I smile, "Yeah! Misato suggested I… start taking lessons again so I got a teacher and he… he said he had a group of people who played various string instruments and wanted to put together an ensemble. I… agreed to it."

"Are you enjoying it?" She asks me.

"Yeah, I am… I, I really like playing and the people are really nice as well. I've only had two meetings with them but it's been fun."

"Good! I'm glad to hear you're doing something with the cello again. It always irritated me the way you put yourself down about it, you were very good when I heard you all those years ago."

"You really thought I was good?" I ask in surprise.

"Yes I did!" Asuka pauses for a moment, "You have talent Shinji and I'm glad you're actually doing something with it. In fact… I'd like to hear what you can do some time."

"Really?" I jump to my feet in surprise, "You... You'd really like to hear me play?"

"Yes, record something and send it over to me. I'll send you my e-mail address when we're done here. Rei also mentioned something about a concert?"

"Oh... Yeah... My ensemble... the guy in charge wanted us to put on a concert in December."

"That's great!" She replies and I'm surprised by the enthusiasm in her voice, "What will you be playing?"

"Um... Well a mixture of things really, he wanted to try and do some sort of music through the ages so... He's selected some classical stuff through to more modern stuff. I... I don't really know much of the stuff outside of the classical material like... I've heard of a few of the bands but I don't really know them or the music... I was going to listen to them tonight but then this happened."

Asuka simply laughs, "Sounds interesting. What bands did he have listed?

"Oh..." I pull the music player out of my pocket and for a moment I just stare at it blankly. This was a gift... A gift from Asuka before she left, I never got a chance to thank her. I should do that now, "Asuka I... The music player you got me before you left I just... Wanted to say thank you."

"You liked it?" She asks me, "I know you used to use your old SDAT a lot so I thought it'd be a good present. Do you still have it?"

"Yeah, I... I use it every day actually. Thank you."

"Don't mention it, so these bands he mentioned?"

I head to the playlist and scroll past the more familiar material. I expect Asuka will probably be more interested in the sixties and onwards, "Well... The Beatles are on it."

"Well of course they are, would be impossible to do a music through the ages without them. I'm sure even you know who they are though."

"Yeah... I know a few songs." I scroll down, "There are a few I don't know, Genesis... Pink Floyd... Queen... Procol Harum and... there is a guy here called... Meat Loaf? Who calls themselves Meat Loaf?"

My comment draws another laugh from her, "Look at a picture of the guy and you'll understand!"

"You know who that is?"

"I was raised in Europe, of course I know who Meat Loaf is! I have to say those are some good choices, will go well in a string ensemble I think, in fact a couple of them have already played with orchestras and have symphonic tributes."

"Really? I had no idea!" I reply.

"Of course you didn't! Tell you what I'll have a look through my collection tomorrow and see what I can find, if you send me the exact tracks your teacher is thinking of I'll try to send you the versions of the songs that have been done by or with an orchestra to help you out."

"You... You would do that? That... That'd be really helpful Asuka." I feel myself smile as I speak to her, "T-Thank you."

"Don't mention it just... consider it part of the apology from me okay."

"I... Okay..." I pause for a moment, "What about you Asuka, what are you doing now?"

"Me... Not much I... Um..." Asuka trails off for a moment and lets out another sigh, "I guess it's only fair you know too then, I'm a writer."

"Really? You... You're a writer?"

"Well don't sound too surprised! I can be creative too, I've even had my work published!"

I look at the phone in confusion, "What did you write?"

"Zero."

I can hear the pride in her voice as she says it but it only adds to my confusion. I'm familiar with the book, Rei loves it, she has a signed copy of it and Kensuke is a big fan too but the author isn't Asuka it's someone called Mari Makinami.

"But... That's wrote by-"

"Are you stupid?" Asuka asks me bluntly, "That's a psuedonym Shinji, Mari Makinami doesn't exist. It's me, I'm the author. Look at the book, the main character is based on Rei!"

"Oh! Why though... Why did you write under a fake name?"

She sighs, "I wouldn't have done a very good job of hiding myself from the world if I published a best-selling book under my real name would I?"

I laugh, "Oh yeah... I guess not. Rei... Rei is a huge fan of that book and Kensuke loves it as well. I... I never read it though..."

"Then you better go and do it."

"I will... Does... Rei know?"

"Of course she does, Kensuke is not to know though at all. Even when I visit he is not to know about it, I'm not having that crazed fanboy bother me."

We both laugh and then Asuka speaks again, her tone a bit more serious this time, "I want you to do something Shinji."

"What is it?"

"Go home... Go home and talk to your sister. Apologize to her for what you said and make things up with her."

"O-Okay..."

"I'm going to message her too but I want the two of you to talk to Misato and tell her everything as well. Make sure you defend Rei during it, make sure that Misato knows everything was my fault and it was all my decision. Tell her if she wants to talk to me or yell at me she can call me."

"Right... I can do that."

"Good, then go and do it." She pauses, "Again... I am sorry I took so long but it's happened now. Here I am... In Germany and you know how to contact me. We'll talk again soon alright?"

"Yeah... We will, thank you." I smile calmly as I slowly start to walk away from my position and back towards the bus stop.

"Also... Your concert in December... I want you to make sure you put aside two tickets for me and a friend. We... We'll be coming to it."

"A friend?"

"That's not important now Shinji, just do it. I still have a few other things to tell you but it's late and it can wait."

I don't want to say goodbye, I want to stay and talk to her all night. I want to speak to her about everything has happened to her since she left. I want to tell her about my life, not that I have much to tell her. She is right though, I should go home. I should apologize to Rei and talk to her and Misato about this.

I'm still not quite sure how to feel about all of this. I'm so happy that I now know she is okay. At the same time I still feel bad about this whole situation, I still feel like I'm somewhat to blame for her leaving. I still feel that she didn't want me to know about her because of who I am. I can still feel some anger at her and Rei for the lie.

I don't expect this to be resolved in an evening though. This will take time and at least we have a place to start from. I prepare myself to say goodbye to Asuka but I'm glad this won't be the last time I say it.

"Okay... Goodbye Asuka."

"Goodbye Shinji, I'll talk to you soon."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Berlin Streets - Kaworu Nagisa
As I feel the cold wind brush against my skin I so wish I had brought my jacket with me. I was in such a rush to leave I went out in my t-shirt and didn't realize how cold it would be. Still I suppose it does give me something else to focus on other than the unease that I have been feeling since Asuka said she would make that phone call.

Asuka… She will be talking to Shinji right now. This will be their first conversation in other four years and I am so… happy that such an event has occurred. I know that the two of them have shared and faced so much pain, I know all about the fragility of their hearts and it saddened me to know that they were no longer in contact.

Yet despite all of this I feel something else, fear. I fear what this turn of events means for me. I fear that I no longer know where I stand in this place. Deep down I always knew that this day would come, it is… I suppose you could call it destiny. I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon and so suddenly. Especially not after I had experienced such a wondrous event the other day.

Still, I suppose it is probably better that this happens sooner rather than later. I suppose it is better that it happens before this thing, I suppose you would call it a romance, develops further between myself and Asuka. If it happened later then it would perhaps be harder for me to accept and move on.

I am so happy for the two of them. They both deserve to find true happiness and I know that it doesn't in any way negate my chances of finding happiness. I just feel… I feel that Asuka was really special, she understood me and I felt that in some ways I understood her as well. Asuka has such a fierce personality but it is tinged with a softness and gentleness.

When I held her or she held me I felt a wonderful sensation skin to floating. When I was around Asuka I felt so very safe. She was oh so beautiful as well, each and every part of her and she had an infectious smile that never failed to brighten up my day.

So I, Kaworu Nagisa, am happy. I am really really happy. I want nothing more than for those two souls that have been hurt so much to find true happiness. So, despite the fact that I have this awful knot in my stomach and tears welling up in the corners of my eyes I… I am happy.

I continue to walk through the streets, this is a route very familiar to me. It is one that I've walked a vast number of times over the last few months. I've not walked it in the last few weeks, since the attack I ended up relegating myself to my apartment except for going out to work or for shopping. I felt that getting out this time was necessary, Asuka and Shinji needed time alone to talk.

I cross the road onto another street, this one isn't quite as empty as the others. There are a few people stood chatting outside of a café. I move part them and I know it's just my imagination and current mood but I'm sure I can hear them all stop talking. I'm sure I can feel their eyes on me. I do this a lot, I always wonder if people are staring at me, I stand out so why wouldn't they?

I pick up speed and move around the corner to an emptier street and my mind turns back to Asuka and Shinji. I wonder what they've spoken about. I wonder if she mentioned me. I wonder when she'll be going back. I feel the tears threaten again.

I get halfway down this street when I feel my phone suddenly start to vibrate in my pocket. I immediately pull it out and see Asuka's name on the display. As I see it the knot in my stomach tightens as I come to the realization that this is probably it. This will be the phonecall where this all ends.

I actually contemplate now answering it so that I can delay hearing the news. What would be the point though? It is going to happen either way so I should face up to it.

"Hello?"

"Kaworu!" I can hear the happiness in her voice and my mood dips some more, "I just finished speaking to Shinji, where are you?"

"I… Decided to go out for a little walk. I thought you could probably do with some privacy considering the situation and I wasn't sure how long you would be…" I speak to her all the while trying desperately to stop my voice from cracking, "Did everything go alright?"

"Hah! Of course it went alright! Managed to calm the idiot right down and he's going to go patch things up with Rei. Yet another victory for the great Asuka Langley Soryu!" She boasts to me and I can't help but smile.

"I am so… happy that it went well." I feel my voice crack slightly as I speak, I hope she hasn't noticed.

It turns out she did, "Hey… Is everything alright Kaworu?"

"Yes! Yes, everything is fine. I'm just a bit cold, I forgot to bring my jacket with me and I misjudged how cold it would be this evening." It's a feeble lie but I hope she accepts it.

"Oh I see… Well you should get yourself home quickly I was thinking that we should… celebrate tonight. Perhaps we should order pizza and… resume what we were doing before I had to make that phone call?" I hear her tone shift as she speaks the last part. It's teasing and sultry, not dissimilar to voices I've heard in certain… material.

My mind flashes back to those moments before I left. I flash back to the feeling of her lips up against mine. I remember my tongue dancing with hers and my hands exploring the curves of her body and her hands running themselves along mine. I feel my body start to react, I need to stop thinking about this, such a thing happening here would be… problematic.

Yet I am also confused, does this mean that her conversation with Shinji did not go how I was expecting it to? Am I wrong or is the inevitable just being delayed? I don't understand but I will return home and see what happens. Perhaps… Perhaps I am wrong and I do have the opportunity to be happy for a while longer.

 

[jcmoorehead]

Actually meant to reply to some of the above but didn't get around to it, sorry about that *blush*

As always thank you so much for the kind words from people. It's always super appreciated that people read this and seem to be enjoying it.

So in a change from tradition the chapter title is not a Meat Loaf track this time, it's in fact the title of a song by Spock's Beard from their album Snow. Which is an album I'd highly recommend, it's a story about an Albino boy who grows up to the age of 17 and travels to New York. He discovers that he actually has the ability to see and look into peoples hearts and help them via a single touch. It's a bit like Kaworu - The album really

Anyway, fic - Enjoy

---

Misato's Apartment - Rei Ayanami
I have just learned from Asuka that Shinji will be returning home and now I am frightened. Asuka has assured me that she has managed to resolve the situation but I worry that she was wrong and Shinji was only pretending. I worry that when he comes through that door he will still be angry with me. I worry that he will not step through the door at all and then what will I do?

If Asuka isn't wrong and he is on his way home then I have other, slightly more irrational fears. I am frightened what something will happen to him as he makes his way home. Asuka did not tell me the exact location Shinji had gone to, but I can only assume it is some distance from here. It would be easy for someone to hurt him.

Yet, I know this is not a logical thought to have. For I am aware of the security teams that keep an eye on us constantly, watching and observing threats. I am aware that very few people in this town know who Shinji Ikari is and even less know the story of Third Impact. Despite all of this there is still a tiny slither of doubt in my mind. I question how safe we really are especially in the aftermath of the attack on Nagisa.

I am also frightened that in his anger Shinji was actually correct in what he said. I worry that I really am no better than our father for what I have done. Asuka seemed to be very angry when she heard about him saying that but I wonder, was he right? Our father was a selfish man who lied and manipulated others for his own gain. Have I not done the same? Putting my friendship with Asuka ahead of the happiness of my brother and family?

I know this isn't true but I wonder if there is more I could have done. Perhaps I could have said more to Asuka to encourage her to return or at least communicate with Shinji and Misato. Perhaps I could have given Shinji some sort of subtle hint or even engineered a scenario that would have forced the two of them to communicate. Surely I have had opportunities over the last few years to put an end to this but I did not take or think about them. I have been passive when I should not have been.

I glance at my phone another time to see that only a minute has passed since the last time I looked at it. Shinji has been gone for just over two hours now. He has not contacted me in all that time nor have I contacted him. At this time I am much too afraid to do so. Misato will also be returning home soon as well.

Thinking about Misato also makes me scared. I am frightened of her reaction to this news, I assume that she will be told about this. After she hears this then she is likely to be angry with me. I wonder if she will still want me here after she finds out. If I am to leave then where do I go? I am able to afford somewhere on my own I suppose but it would likely take time to arrange. After what I have done I doubt one of our friends will want to have anything to do with me.

Another minute passes in silent contemplation with me sitting cross legged on the soft. Suddenly I hear a clicking sound from the hall way which causes me to spring to my feet. I rush to the entranceway and see the door opening and Shinji stepping through. He looks exhausted and the red marks around his eyes show that he has been crying. He enters the hallway and turns somewhat sheepishly to look at me.

I feel myself slowly back away as he speaks, "Hey Rei… I… We have a lot to talk about, don't we?"

In that moment I feel the fear of him leave me and I rush forward and throw myself into his arms letting out a loud sob as I do so. I feel him stumble backwards as he struggles to remain on his feet and I nestle my head into his should, between my cries I try to speak, "Shinji… I… I am so sorry…"

Shinji pauses for a moment as he recovers his balance and I feel his arms move slowly as if he is unsure of what to do. Finally though his arms wrap themselves around me and his hand gently rubs my back to calm me down. We stand like this for a few moments as I let out a few more sobs.

"It's alright Rei…" Shinji speaks softly, "Asuka… She explained it all to me. I… I'm not mad at you anymore, I… I'm sorry."

"You… You are not mad? But I lied to you Shinji… I… I was…" I unsure as to why I am protesting his forgiveness of me. It is that forgiveness that I wanted and was craving. I did not want Shinji to be angry at me any longer and yet I am trying to achieve the opposite of that via my words. I trail off and let him speak.

Shinji merely shakes his head, "I'm not mad… I know what you did was bad Rei but… I now know why it happened. I know what position you were in and… I am sorry for what I said to you too, I should never have said you were like him. You're nothing like him Rei, it was… I went too far."

Shinji's words do bring me the comfort that I needed and yet my mind immediately wants me to protest them some more. I do not know why, why can't I accept this?

"But I lied…"

"I know you did." His voice is still calm but with some weak trembling in it as if he is about to cry too, "I know… but I forgive you. I… forgive you Rei."

This time I don't protest him, I let myself thank him instead and we release each other from the hug. I wipe my eyes free from tears and I watch him do the same with some embarrassment. He removes his shoes and the two of us go into the front room silently and sit down, me on the couch and he sits on the nearby chair.

At this moment I am unsure of what to say to him. He looks to be thinking about something and I want to ask what it is but I do not feel I have that right anymore. I know he must be feeling a range of emotions right now. I know he must be questioning a lot of things and I want to say something to help but what can I do or say?

It is Shinji who breaks the silence, I look up to see he is smiling, "She… She actually spoke to me Rei… and… she said she will speak to me again."

"That is good." I manage to weakly smile back at him, "What did she say to you?"

Shinji glances downwards, "She… explained everything to me about why she left and you finding her in Germany. She told me all about the promise and that you were reluctant to agree to it, that you did try to persuade her each time but she refused. I… really am sorry Rei, I thought… I didn't even stop to ask for the details…"

"I… It is okay." I reply, "Did she say anything else to you?"

Shinji nods, "Yeah… We actually had a conversation."

This pleases me when I hear it. I do not recall the two of them having a proper conversation after they returned. I know they spoke immediately after Third Impact but they did not seem to communicate much beyond that. I know there was a time they communicated prior to Third Impact but even then that was a long time before it.

"What did you discuss?"

Shinji looks up and is still smiling, "She… Told me about her book…"

I find myself blushing when I realize what this means. If Asuka told him about the book then it is likely he also knows about the main character being based on me. Asuka will surely have told him of that. I look across at him, "I… Was shocked when I found out about it too."

"I can imagine." He almost laughs, "I… Had no idea Asuka had a creative side, she never seemed to show it when she was with us. I… I guess I never asked about it though…"

Shinji sounds dejected when he speaks so I move to reassure him, "Even if you had have asked her then she would likely have denied it. Asuka back then did not feel such things were worthy of her time, she strived to be seen as an adult and to her creative endeavors were not a part of that."

"Y-Yeah… I suppose." Shinju replies, "She also… said she wanted to attend the concert in December. She even offered to help me learn about the tracks."

I nod, "Yeah, it is likely that she will know a lot of the tracks you are to learn. Asuka is… passionate about music. She has an extensive music collection that she has introduced me to in the past, I find that whilst I am… fond of some of it there are certain artists that I find to be a bit too much."

Shinji lowers his head at my words and I wonder if perhaps I have said something wrong to him, "I apologize, did I say something wrong?"

Shinji looks up at me and shakes his head, "No… You didn't it's just… I know so little about her really. When she lived with us I didn't even bother to ask her about any of this. I didn't really talk to her about what she liked I just… reacted to things."

"You were a different person then, you were unused to her and she was not the easiest person to get along with either. Remember she shut herself away back then but now she is not like that." I say as I try to cheer him up, "Now you have an opportunity to speak to her and find out these things."

Shinji nods, "Y-Yeah… You're right I… I will do that. Does… She know a lot about me… Not that I've really done much."

"Yes." I answer truthfully, "Asuka asked about you a number of times, she always took an interest in you and the others."

"I see…" He mutters, "I guess she must have found it pretty boring then."

I shake my head, "Not at all, she was concerned about you if anything. She wanted you to be happy."

He smiles again, "Y-Yeah…"

"Did she say when she will next be contacting you?"

Shinji shakes his head, "Not exactly but it'll be soon I think. She gave me all of her contact details and she wants to send music to me. She also asked for a recording of me playing the cello. I… don't really know what to do, do I wait for her or do I contact her first?"

"Do whatever you think is right, if you record yourself before she sends you the music then contact her first." I reply, not exactly sure how to handle this situation myself. In the back of my mind there are other questions I have about what Asuka has told Shinji but I keep those locked away for now. I will contact her myself to find out how she will approach the subject of Nagisa.

"She also… asked us to tell Misato about her as well."

I feel my body tense up when I hear Shinji speak those words. Fear sets in once more as my thoughts about Misato from earlier return. The fears of how she will react to this and the fears of what my future is in this place I call home.

"Rei…" I hear Shinji say as he moves close to me, "It'll be alright, I… I'll explain everything to her."

I nod, "I would like to explain too… I should admit my part in this and face the consequences."

Shinji puts his arm around me, "Rei… There won't be any consequences for this."

"No… You don't understand, I lied to you both. I did not tell Misato the truth about my visits to Germany and she put her trust in me. I have betrayed her trust in who I am…"

Shinji pulls me towards him and hugs me gently, "It'll be alright Rei, Misato… She'll understand, I'm sure of it."

 

[jcmoorehead]

Misato's Apartment - Misato Katsuragi
Exhaustion is starting to set in as I finally reach the door to the apartment. I take out my key and let out a sigh, I feel bad... No, I feel awful. Once again, I'm late home from work and late home to see Shinji and Rei. I know they don't mind and are old enough to take care of themselves but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

We are supposed to be a family and I'm neglecting that fact but then I've never really been very good at this. I've tried but I've always had to ask others for advice or defer to them. I love Shinji and Rei dearly but I've hardly been the mother they deserve for these past few years. I let out another sigh, this... this is the exhaustion talking and I know it.

I've been working late so much for the past two months I've let it get to me. I've not taken the time to relax. Maybe... maybe I should make sure I come home early this Friday and we can all go away for the weekend or something. Just to get us away from this city.

Maya will be able to handle whatever is happening at work. We've made progress with our plans and are getting ready to send in the first teams to search through the debris of Tokyo-3 and hopefully what is left of NERV itself. I am nervous about what we might find in there to be honest but if anything could be useful to humanity then I would like to see it extracted.

There have also been questions recently as relates to the Emergence Facility built there. The last couple of months have seen activity at the facility with more people returning and there are members of the U.N. who are concerned about who might emerge next. They are worried about 'him' coming back and to be honest so am I.

Not necessarily for the same reason that they are. They worry for their jobs and status, they worry about the fact that many of them took backhanders and looked the other way when Gendo Ikari was the Commander of NERV. They worry that they might be exposed by a man who could be desperate to keep himself free.

My worry? I worry about the effect it'll have on Shinji and Rei if he returned. I worry that it could undo all the progress the two of them have made these last few years. I worry that his return would hurt the two of them. If he were to return... I would do everything to ensure he couldn't harm them again. I would protect them with everything I have.

I need to stop thinking about these things, I need to actually get inside the apartment and get changed into something more comfortable. I can warm up whatever leftovers there are and take a long bath. I finally open the door and announce my return, "I'm home!"

"Welcome home!" Comes the joint reply from Shinji and Rei.

I smile weakly as I make my way down the hallway and towards the front room, ready to apologize to the two of them but I stop when I see the two of them are already stood up waiting for me to enter. Both of them are wearing similar expressions and almost immediately my heart leaps into my mouth, "What's wrong? Has something happened?"

They both exchange a look and I see Shinji nod slowly. He steps forward, "Nothing... is wrong it's just... We both have something to tell you and we know you have had a long day but we thought it'd be best to tell you now, rather than wait."

Despite him saying nothing is wrong I find it hard to believe that, the tone of his voice definitely indicates that something is up. I look at Rei and she looks uncharacteristically nervous, she is struggling to make eye contact with me and unless I'm mistaken I can see her legs trembling. Something is definitely wrong with the two of them.

"Okay..." I slide off my jacket and hang it over a chair, "What is it?"

I follow as the two of them sit themselves down on the sofa, I sit on the chair and my mind starts to trick over the reasons as to why they're acting like this. Could one of them have been attacked? I can't see any visible marks on either of them so I'm not sure. It seems improbably though, after we heard about the attack on Nagisa in Germany we tightened security here. I would know if either one of them was attacked or threatened.

Rei seems to be the one most affected by this, could it then be something to do with her? I know she has just started seeing someone. Could it be that she is pr- No... That can't be it at all. Rei is seeing Kodama, Hikari's sister so there is no chance of Rei getting pregnant there.

What about Shinji then? No, I doubt that Shinji would get someone pregnant, I don't even know if he has had that sort of contact with anyone before and I'm not going to ask. This is Shinji though, I know if he would probably be careful if he were to do that.

I'm not sure why my mind leapt straight to the idea of Rei being pregnant or Rei getting someone pregnant though. It doesn't seem likely for either of them. I guess perhaps I do have some sort of motherly instincts after all, is that not what parents worry about?

I glance around the apartment. Nothing within seems to be broken so it can't be there. Unless of course they have been in and broken something in my room, in which case they'd probably be improving it. I really can't guess at what the problem might be. I still don't know if there is a problem, Shinji said there wasn't but from the way the two of them look and are acting I don't believe that.

"So, what exactly is this about?" I ask.

Again, the two of them look at each other and once again it is Shinji who nods and then speaks, "It... It's about Asuka..."

I realize I probably look like an idiot but on hearing him speak those word my mouth hangs open. Those are some words I enver expected to hear Shinji speak, I never expected to hear him utter her name, he hasn't said it since she left. If I was ever to hear something about her I was sure it'd be from Fuyutsuki or even from Asuka herself.

Hearing her name frightens me, it's been so long and I never expected to hear from her again. I had hoped we would but as time went on it seemed less and less likely. I start to fear the worst, the sombre tone of Shinji's voice and the way Rei is avoiding speaking.

"What about Asuka?" I start to ask frantically, "Have you heard something? Has she been hurt? Is she okay?"

"We... We heard from her today Misato and she is okay." Shinji replied immediately.

"You heard from her?" I exclaim in surprise, "How? What happened? Is she here?"

Shinji shakes his head, "No, she is in Germany and she... called me."

Asuka called him? My first thought bizarrely is how much calling Japan from Germany must have cost but then I realize Asuka was given a vast payout and can likely afford it. My second thought is to why and how she contacted Shinji.

I look towards both Shinji and Rei for an explanation and both seem to be struggling to come up with what to say. I have to admit I don't really know what to say myself. I want to feel happy that Asuka is alive and well, I had always feared the worst for her. When she left she cut off all contact, I had no idea what had happened to her, only Fuyutsuki's reassurance but after a time even he seemed unsure.

"How did it happen? How did she get in contact with you Shinji?"

Shinji looks up at me, "She… got my phone number from Rei… It was to… sort out an incident that occurred earlier today."

"But… How did she get your number?" I ask.

I see Rei flinch slightly but then she looks up at me, I can see tears in her eyes and she finally speaks, her voice is soft and shaky, "Perhaps I should explain."

I nod, "Please do…"

"Asuka was able to get Shinji's number because I told her it." She looks at Shinji who just gives her a small nod, "I was able to tell her it because I have been in contact with her for the past three and a half years."

I smile and nod and then the reality of her words hits me. I feel my mouth open in shock as I look between Rei and Shinji. I see Rei lower her head again and a tear roll silently down her cheek. I see Shinji reach for her hand and stroke it gently. I don't quite know what to say to that, "Three and a half years? Contact… how? When?"

Rei doesn't make eye contact with me, "When I went to Europe for the first time it was… to find Asuka. I was successful in my attempt."

I cast my mind back, I do recall thinking back then that it seemed strange for Rei to want to visit Germany all of a sudden. I didn't bother to pursue that though, after all if I was unable to find Asuka then I doubted Rei would have been able to. It seems that I was wrong, not only that, but Rei didn't tell me or Shinji about it.

I admit I'm quite mad at her, I trusted her on that trip to do what she said she was going to. If she had come to me and told me she wanted to find Asuka I would have supported her in that. I'm also mad that she didn't tell me or Shinji that she found Asuka but as I look at him I can only imagine how Shinji must have felt when he found this out.

I will remain calm for the moment, I need to learn more about this. I suspect there is more to this story than I have been told so far.

"So you found her, how come you didn't say anything?"

Rei hesitates for a moment but then speaks, "Asuka… asked me to not tell anyone. She said she was not ready for other people to know. I tried… I tried but she did not want anyone else but me to know about her and her whereabouts. I… accepted her friendship but continued to lie to you and Shinji. I… I am sorry."

Seeing Rei cry is an unusual sight and one I am witnessing right now. I watch as Shinji calmly puts an arm around her to calm her down. I decide to leave Rei for the moment and turn my attention to Shinji, "When did you find out?"

"Earlier today." He admits, "I… accidentally saw a message from her on Rei's phone. Rei admitted she had been in contact with Asuka after that."

"And then what happened?"

"We had… an argument." Shinji lowers his eyes, "I… left the apartment and not long after that Asuka called me to put things right. She wanted me to know that it was all Asuka's fault and not Rei's at all. She also asked us to tell you about it too… She said that if you wanted to speak to her you could contact her."

I nod my head, "I think I'll do just that then but it can wait. For now I need to deal with this, Shinji… could you please leave us. I'd like to speak to Rei alone."

I try to soften my voice to try to keep Rei calm but I hear a small sob escape her as I say those words. Shinji looks at her with a worried expression but after a time she nods, "It is… alright Shinji."

Shinji nods back and goes into his bedroom. I take the opportunity to move over to the couch and put an arm around Rei, "Rei…"

"I am sorry…" She sniffs between her words and I feel her body shake as she starts to cry. I pull the girl towards me and gently rub her back. I am admittedly lost for words right now, I don't quite know how to deal with this but would anyone know? It wasn't a situation I ever planned for.

"Are you mad at me?"

I nod and decide that it would probably be best to be honest with her. I'm certainly not about to yell at her or anything but she does need to know that I'm not exactly happy with this situation, "A little bit, I trusted you when I let you go to Germany for the first time. I expected your reasons for going to be exactly what you told me. I also expect that your other trips there and to Europe have involved seeing her too?"

"Yes, they have." Rei admits.

"I see." I try to sound stern when I speak but it's hard to muster up anything like that when Rei is crying in front of me, "I wish you had told me your intentions the first time Rei, I could have helped you. I would have helped and supported you."

"I am sorry. I did not… I did not think I would be successful, so I did not tell you or Shinji and then… I made that promise to her."

"The promise that you would not tell us about her?"

Rei nods, "Yes, I… I tried to persuade her to come back each time I saw her but she did not think she could. She… thought that you and Shinji disliked her for who she used to be. She… was frightened."
My stomach twists as Rei says that. Asuka really thought that I disliked her? The worst thing is I can't blame her, I didn't do a lot to help Asuka, not as much as I should have done. I treated her like the adult she thought she wanted to be despite the fact that I knew otherwise. I went down that same damn path myself, I should have put an end to it. I should have gotten her to talk but I… I didn't.

"What will happen to me?" Rei suddenly asks.

I look at her in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"I lied to you and Shinji, I was… disloyal and I am undeserving of your care… I… I will leave if you desire."

I look at her in a stunned silence for a moment before laughing, "Rei, I'm not going to kick you out and I don't want you to leave. Nothing will happen to you I… I just wish you would have said something in the first place but… this seems more complicated then you just lying. If you had have told us then… it would have hurt Asuka and she's had her share of pain."

"I did not like deceiving either of you, I know how much Shinji misses her. I tried to tell her but she…"

"Is stubborn?" I smile as I see Rei hesitate but also nod, "I'll speak to her tomorrow Rei and see what she has to say. I think… based on how you are now and this argument between you and Shinji you've probably been punished enough but in the future I want you to be honest with me, you could have been hurt or worse. Do you understand?"

Rei nods, "Yes, I do. I am sorry."

"It's fine. I'll order us food tonight after I've gotten changed. You can go and get Shinji too and tell him to decide what he wants."

"Yes, I will. Thank you."

I give Rei another hug and get up off the couch and slip into my room letting out another sigh. This was not exactly how I expected my evening to go. Of all the people I expected to deal with in the next few days Asuka was not one of them. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her really, I can't really be mad at her for asking Rei to promise that, it was up to Asuka and I don't blame her for not wanting to see me.

Still, I am relieved to know she is alright. The poor girl deserves happiness after all she has gone through and I hope she has been able to find it in the last four and a half years.

---

So I guess a few notes here on Misato's reaction to the news. I wanted to kind of get across that she is stunned by the news but also I didn't want her to react angrily to it. I already had Shinji react with anger earlier on in the day and to me Misato would be mad at Rei but she would also want to be in a position to learn more and take everything into account before truly expressing any anger. This is a Misato who for the past 5 years has tried to change her ways, she doesn't drink anymore and whilst she is still untidy and a useless cook she does actually make an effort to be there for Rei/Shinji, despite what her inner thoughts tell her.

So for me she'd take Rei to one side and be honest about how she feels but also not shout or get angry. I also think she'd feel relief at knowing everyone is alright too. Plus the argument between Rei and Shinji would have played a factor, she feels that Rei has probably been punished enough by having to live with upsetting Shinji and knowing that she lied. It's rare to see Rei cry, never mind completely break down like this so it's hard for anyone to be mad at her, it just makes people want to huggle teh Rei.